What's Your Drama - Lainey Takes a Load Off & Deep Dark Secrets

Episode Date: June 13, 2018

Welcome back to the Sasha Answers Podcast!On today's show: Lainey, as per usual, feels like people want to hear about her poo so we celebrate her poo progress. But after that we dive into some real sh-t - your questions! What to do when you find cheating proof, how to unleash a horrible secret you've been holding and finally, what you should do when you find out your partner has a surprise child.Thanks for tuning and keep your feedback/questions coming to me at [e-mail] and hit us up on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course on iTunes, Google Play, and Spotify. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi it's Lainey. Hi it's Sasha. And welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. I'm really excited. Okay we're just getting right in. Yeah. I think that I am experiencing natural laxative. Okay good. Right because you for people who don't know but everyone probably should know is you have like problems defecating. Correct. Sometimes over the course of our relationship, Jacek has stood on the other side of the bathroom door trying to coach me because he doesn't have this problem. Yes. And he will once in a while be like, breathe, breathe. Can you be honest with how many times you do, you go to the bathroom? Like in a week? Four. Just four? yes and you don't get bloated i get very bloated like i have major stomach distension i mean it is

hard and painful and painful like if you poked my stomach it would it would feel like a balloon that's about to pop anyway so the social the talk show that i um co-host in canada for those of you who are not in canada the social is dark this week um meaning there are no shows meaning there are no shows. And so for the second time in five years, I've been able to leave our work building between the hours of seven and five. This never happens. Like I am locked and chained to that building from those hours. I get to work at 6.30. I cannot leave until five at the earliest. So I don't get to go get my own lunch. However, and we have, sorry, I should say we have a cafeteria in the building, but like…

It sucks. Well, I don't think it sucks. There are some go-to things. I love my breakfast from there. I love my tuna sandwich. However, after five years, and I do bring my lunch most days. Yes, I see that. But I see our hundreds of colleagues walking in and out of the building and coming back

with amazing lunches, and I can never do that. or I can never go get it myself. Okay. And there's a particular joy with going to pick up your own lunch. Like, I, okay, keep on going. Because no, I don't agree with you, but keep on going. Oh, well, when you don't get to do it, there's a joy in like going to get your lunch. I get it.

Anomaly for you. And I don't even have the joy of like signing up to the apps where you pre-order and then you just… Oh my God, get to your shit already. Anyway, Sasha. Yeah? So there's this place that I've never eaten at that has, like, bowls, you know? Yeah.

But not, like, fucking bowls of fucking Gwyneth Paltrow shit. I mean, we're talking Poke Bowls. And you can add on. So it's not one of these places where you just get your fucking whatever. You can, like, lump on the shit. So yesterday I had this thing called the Crack Slaw. Yes. And so it's this amazing slaw, but then you can add, add, add,

and I added double. I added chicken and shrimp. But the slaw is just like vegetables and cabbage and whatever. And I, today, so far, and it's going to be more, I've already shit three times. I mean, that's a lot for most people, right, who have regular bowel movements. So congratulations. That's what I should. Do you feel like a new woman?

But like really good shits where it's not like mega smears. It's clean in and out. Great. So maybe the problem here is you haven't been eating enough vegetables because obviously this fiber, this roughage is moving shit through your system. Yeah. I would say that I haven't had a great vegetable lifestyle over the last week. I had some burgers.

No, but in your life in general. Oh, no. I do. I eat a lot of vegetables. Okay. So what is it about? The reason this is so important, though, is because I have a big shoot tomorrow. It's not big for anybody else, but it's big for me.

Yes, you've been talking about it. And a lot. Do you want to tell people what you're doing? Okay, so tomorrow I am going on a shoot with Penny Oleksiak. For those of you who don't know, Penny Oleksiak in 2016 at the Rio Olympic Games won the gold medal in swimming when she was 16 years old. Yes. She's now 18 years old.

she will be competing in tokyo in 2020 she is six foot everything she is a gold medalist in the pool i'm saying this and stressing this so that people can appreciate the like when zeus created form when whatever god on the mountain of olympus or whatever created what an athlete should look like it's that's penny yes and i not only have to interview her but she is getting in the pool with me to swim and show me how to like do i cannot wait and butterflies and flip turns in the pool so i'm doing a shoot in my bathing suit but the poo gods have blessed you so that when it's time to put on that bathing suit maybe i won't be as bloated like because i can i'm already rubbing my stomach right now as you can see to get the intestinal activity going good so that

i can maybe get more shit out some hippie dippy shit that is something that well it's too late for me fucking now no you can do it tonight and fucking squeeze out and pinch out a fucking more shit for yourself but there's something called the l-shaped massage that you do on your stomach like when you feel bloated, when you have a stomach ache, and you like from your rib – like from – like I don't know how to explain it, but it's an L shape. So it's like an upside down L, basically. So you go across your rib cage and then down your colon and then across like where your fucking like lower stomach is.

You do that like three times. Okay. And shit starts moving, right? Because you're literally pushing the shit through your intestines. Come on. I do it all the time when I feel fucking bloated. Just do it. do it tonight

and I'll show you before I leave properly how to do it but for other people just look up L-shaped massage and it'll help you well happy shits

happy shits and you know wish me luck okay should we get to some questions yeah okay okay first question

dear Sasha and Lainey my fiance let's call him K and I were living a quiet life until September when we moved to Bangkok the first few months

were great together getting to know the city going to bars and clubs and settling into a new life then K started making some guy friends and going out partying and drinking

These late nights out have caused some troubles for us, and I began to wonder and worry about if he was cheating. Many times I asked him point blank, and he says that while he had opportunities, he has never cheated. The other night we were out late together and he passed out, so I snuck a peek at his phone. He had sent a message to one of his guy friends saying he had been out on a date with a girl two nights previous.

He told me that he was at dinner meeting for work. How do I know who he's lying to? Why would he lie to his friends about dating someone else? but if he's not lying to them, he's lying to me. I don't know how to bring it up without him knowing I snooped and having him get upset again because we have had so many conversations recently about his cheating and he swears to me he has not.

Please help. I need your hard truth. P. This makes me just like reading it was very hard. Hard truth? Hard truth. He's cheating on you. A thousand percent.

Yeah. What more evidence do you need than reading a text saying I went out on a date with a girl. Yeah. He's not lying to his friend. He's lying to you. Yes. Ugh.

I don't think that you need to investigate any further. And I don't think you need to be coy about the fact that you fucking looked up on his phone and saw the facts. Like, why do you have to be shy about being like, oh, like, I, you know, I look through your phone to see if you're treating when he should be the one who is like, like, embarrassed for his own behavior? Like, why do you need to be like creeping around being like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. He just fucking stomped on your fucking heart behind your back. This is not a trial where, you know, you have to, I don't know, apply. And hey,

if you're lawyers out there and you're listening to me and I'm speaking about this concept in the wrong way, feel free to correct me. But this is not like fruit of the poison tree where it's a piece of evidence acquired through not proper means and then you can't submit it in court. This is not a trial. This is your relationship. This is you finding evidence, I know, but like you finding proof that he is being dishonest. It doesn't matter like if he comes back and says, oh, I was just trying to show off for people.

Why does he need to show off for people? Clearly he has a problem with being engaged. And that's even more whack. Like that would make me be like, oh, you're such a loser that you would need to like show up for your dudes. Like that's lame. P, this is really, really hard to hear, but you wanted a hard truth and it's going to get even harder from here because you're engaged to somebody who's lying to you and you have

finally gotten the information that you need to, hey, not get married. Like at least not yet. like put shit on hold for a bit work on whatever is going on because it worries me too like if you're feeling um scared to talk to your partner about something that is like so fundamental in what a functioning relationship is all about then I don't think you guys are ready to get married anyway like you guys need to like get get to the bottom of this and it's interesting like I think there's we've had this this kind of question before where it's like I feel so bad that I looked at his phone. I think it's a problem for people. If you're, if you're like spying on your

partner all the time and there's like no proof coming up or like you become addicted to like, um, you know, um, um, intruding on someone's privacy, I think that's wrong. But if you have those spidey senses and you're like, shit feels fucking weird. Like he's not telling me the truth. I'm trying to get, get him to have this discussion with me. He's not doing it. Then I think that you have the right to fucking do whatever you need to do to find out the information. So I don't think you need to feel bad or guilty um he's the one who wasn't presenting that information to you even when you've asked him so like i give you all like green light to go and look through his phone and you did and you found the fucking proof well what you're trying to say here is that she shouldn't

feel bad about her intuition 100 your intuition is as sash said your spidey sense and it's there to protect and look after you. So you don't have to apologize for, I don't know, a strain, an antenna inside of you that services you and you only. Not him, just you. And that antenna was beeping you and pinging you because it was telling you something is not right. Don't apologize for that and be happy that you had this intuition that something inside of yourself was giving you a neon sign saying, this is not for you. And it is just the beginning of what is not for you. This engagement right now is not for you. This marriage right now is clearly not for you. But it's a bigger illumination on where both of you are at. You've moved to a new

country. It's clearly been an experience. And things happen when you change locations, when different environments, different friends. Yeah. When you switch up one element in any equation, the conclusion sometimes is different. Like, you know, I'm all over the place right now with my analogies, but that's mathematical. And what the equation is yielding right now is maybe that he, the person in Bangkok, is not ready to be committed anymore. And that sucks for you. I get it. But the silver lining here if there is one is that better it sucks now before you get married and you sink whatever the fuck kind of money into the wedding and you really commit to this person better you find out now so you can peace out and both of you get your space clearly he needs some

yeah well that's i'm so sorry p but i'm sorry but i also think she's gonna be better off like and that's exactly you know you're right on about that is like if somebody can be triggered by their environment so much so that they like do something horrible like that like that that smells of like weakness to me and I don't think that that's someone that you really want to be with right now which is someone who could just like flip on your ass just because they're fucking living in Bangkok like that's fucking lame yeah I I really am having a hard time like I'm trying to see it from his position like it is exciting to go somewhere new and you discover new things about yourself and it's exciting to meet new people yeah that doesn't

mean you stick your dick in some other person's vagina but my concern is that like it wasn't even sticking his dick it was a date that is another level of discovery and intimacy that to me says that he right now is straddling he's like oh let me go and explore and experience these new things and these new people but let me have a safety net a back pocket my old girlfriend back at my apartment that like you know when i'm tired of this new shiny thing this new shiny life i can always go home to some security you don't need that shit no you go find something shiny and new Yeah, but just not behind his back. So, P, again, you wanted some hard truths.

So, unfortunately, we had to give it to you. This is not, I can't conceive of any way where this is going to work out. No. At very minimum, you need space. Yes. Press pause. Press pause, for sure. Take the space.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Next question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I have a weird retrospective question for you. My best friend from grad school, let's call her P, invited our group of friends to her family's beach house for a couple of days. We had a great day and then at night hung out and got all pretty sloppy. I wasn't really paying attention to P until one of our guy friends, guy one, yelled at me that P had slammed the door to another room with her and our guy friend M inside.

The problem is that P lives with her boyfriend of four years and is expecting to get engaged in the next year, while M has a girlfriend of about six months. I was really surprised I had never noticed any kind of flirtation between P and M in our years of knowing each other and P has never said

anything remotely close to hinting at an attraction to M Guy 1 insisted that we should stop them but then my friend Guy 2 said that we weren't responsible for their actions

P and M happened to be in the first floor room with no blinds on the window so we went outside to see what was going on they had kept the lights on and were making out

and went to third base I know we are creepy that's fucking totally creepy okay I might have done the same thing you would have watched going from first to second to third base like that's some peeping tom maybe it was already third i but i took jessica's nodding and i would have i would

have probably be like myself i could not have stopped myself and fuck you you would know i would not have stayed for first liar no i wouldn't no i wouldn't just stop okay but p and m are both the type of blackout after a night of heavy drinking and sure enough the next morning it was clear that they both had no idea that that had happened guy one guy two and i decided to never tell p and m or anybody else what went down my questions are did i have a duty to stop this from happening should we have barged into the room and physically pulled them off each other am i a terrible friend for letting it happen am i more terrible for not telling p what happened would love to hear your thoughts s oh this is so interesting this is such a moral quandary

big time. I mean, I know what I would do. I would have stopped it from happening. You have two friends who have really serious relationships, relationships that they're very invested in back home or wherever, not at this cottage. I wouldn't have let it happen. I would have at least tried to stop it. And at the very least, if I didn't, I would have told P, my friend, what had happened. You can't just live in blackout and just be like, oh, okay, great. Like, you don't remember. We're going to pretend like it doesn't exist.

To me, that isn't fair to anybody. So let me tell you, aside from the fact that I'm nosy, why I would have creeped. I do think that we're in a new era now of consent and Me Too and understanding who is capable of giving consent and when. Yes. And part of me wants to defend these three people for going and looking in the window because they wanted to see what was going on. But these two people are, they just, she described it as black, the type to black out.

Yes. So the reason why this is so uncomfortable and we have to have these conversations and debate them, I don't know that we can come up with the right answer here, is because Because this is what we're talking about, not just on campus and not just, you know, in horrible situations. Nate Parker, for example, is the director who got into trouble and, yes, was tried and found not guilty, but his victim, who has since died by suicide, clearly believed that she was in no position to give consent.

even though certain witnesses were like I saw them and they looked like they were full on into it and so my my thing here my leaning towards what I would have done in this time of understanding and us having all of these conversations and really digging deep and unpacking issues around consent is that like you know these two people are fucked so consent is so murky at this point They didn't remember what happened. Did they really understand what they were doing? And before they can get into that position, is it our responsibility as friends, as family, as community, all of us, is it our responsibility to identify times when consent is not readily given and stop these situations from happening so that people don't get hurt, people don't get

depressed, people don't feel guilty, people don't feel triggered. It is really, really a scary issue and I feel deeply, deeply, profoundly disturbed by this. And so I agree with you. I think on that level your move of barging in there and being like whoa let's just slow this down you guys have had so much to drink if you want a bone tomorrow and you know after breakfast when you've sobered up no one's gonna fucking stop you you guys make your own decisions and we won't interfere but right now should we all as a community i don't know step in it's the same as like, are we bartenders at this point? You know, you stop serving somebody? Are we, I don't know. I don't know the answer to that one, but I know what you're saying and I respect that a hundred

percent. I mean, I will say that their intentions when they went to go look in the window, the blind list window was they just wanted to be like, they were just being like snoopy people, right? Being like, oh my God, what's going on? Oh my God. They were probably laughing like the same way that you reacted to that, right? Was like, oh my God, I would have totally done that too. No, but guy one was objecting. Guy one was like, the door just slammed. They're in there. Should we do something?

That came from a place of concern, for sure. Concern probably because they're both with other people. Other people, yes. Yes. But it's still a place of concern, which is a good place to start. Oh my gosh. A thousand percent. I agree with you.

I just feel also like it's just your duty as a friend to always have their back. You know what I mean? like you just, if you can, you want to intervene if you're seeing a bad situation unfold right in front of your eyes. Like for me, you know, like there wouldn't be the next day to feel guilty about it. I would have stepped in and I am sad that that wasn't your instinct. And I'm sad that you've still made the decision to not tell her, not let them know what happened. Like it just feels super dirty feels really um like dark and dirty the secret that you're holding um and i don't and i and it's it's disappointing to me it's messy all around and she clearly knows it

because i mean neither one of them remember and so now the ramifications are like what do you do you're now you're gonna break up relationships now right now there's gonna be some carnage Or there's like guilt and there's on both sides and then there's like on both sides, if I'm either one of those people, I'm like, did I really want to be there? Yeah. And how did I let myself get there? What did I do? What am I responsible for?

What am I not responsible for? It's really, really scary because this is, again, another problem because I'm now worried about my friend that if I tell her or him, I put her in a position, am I triggering something that will lead to massive amounts of hurt and guilt and who knows what kind of a reaction. But you still need to know about your behavior, right? Like it can then rectify moving forward. Like, you know, then it's, of course it wasn't their fault that they were drinking and that happened. But part of it is like, okay, like I need to fucking slow my roll a bit. Like, why did I do that? Or like, okay, I've really got to temper my fucking alcohol intake because I

can't have that happen again. Like these are all things that one should learn from, right? And it's, and yes, of course it could, it could go really bad, but like it was her body. It was her, you know, interaction with this guy. This was all happening to her and this other guy. Like they're, it's their right to know what was happening. Yeah. And if it hurts their feelings, if it hurts their relationships, well then that's the shit that they have to pick up. Yeah. It's like I said, I don't think that this is the end. This is like maybe just the beginning of something. Oh, drama will ensue.

Really, really messy and really hurtful and perhaps traumatic. So, and at the very least, as a friend, whatever you do and whatever you decide, tell, not tell, I think going forward, this is not a good place to be with any friends where they end up drinking to that point. Like, you know, it's – when you – and if you are on a night where you drink to that point, the reason why you feel that you can is because you've got homies, like, with you to make sure. Like, the last time I drank to that point was at a birthday party.

You were there. Was I? Oh. I wore a onesie. Yes. And I carried you fucking home. You carried me home. Yassic was there.

Like, I got blitzed that night because I had, like, later on I was – street oh yeah yeah it was fucking a mess um it was just like three years ago yes then i slept in the bathroom yes but like later on or the next weekend um people were like oh remember last week you were like you jumped on the bar and um your fucking wednesday almost came off and i was like really i don't remember that like but i had friends there to be like no no you don't want to do that you want to get off the bar i think i crowd surfed yes you did um but i had people to catch me that people would yeah figuratively as well yeah like i did not end up doing anything i regretted i don't regret jumping on the bar like but so i think going forward i this is

definitely if it's the minimum that you do then you should probably make sure that your friend doesn't get to that point. Yeah. Ugh. This one was heavy. Good luck. Okay, yeah. Good luck and keep us posted.

Last one. Dear Sasha and Lainey, I'm four months pregnant and my fiance recently found out he has a six-year-old. The mother says she doesn't want anything from him just that her daughter

kept asking about her dad. Whoa. So she had no other choice. Back up the truck. Yeah. He just found out six years later that he was the father?

Yes, a daughter. Oh my God. so um she apologized to him for not telling him about this child and they're trying to work out something so that he can be involved in his daughter's life he's still processing the whole thing and i support him stepping up i am though taking a step back to let him figure things out and decide however much he wants to be involved but truthfully i'm having a very hard time with this whole situation i haven't told him how i feel uh i have a bit of a hard time opening up sometimes i don't like that he has another child i hate that our child will have a half sibling

i'm an only child my mom was the other woman my dad had a family and never showed me any interest in getting to know me i was a very angry kid i hated my mom for turning me against my dad i hated my dad for not wanting me it was a struggle growing up but i've been working on healing my pain with the help of my fiance my fiance is amazing he treats me well and is very open smart funny and affectionate i'm sad frustrated and mad um sorry i'm sad frustrated and mad and I feel bad for feeling like that. My fiance is a genuinely good person. As sappy as it sounds, I'm madly in love with him and I love the person I've become

since being with him. He's my best friend. I know he'll be a great dad to both of his children and I don't want to be the cause for one to grow up without all her dad can offer her. I don't like feeling like that. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Elle. Okay.

Well, Elle, you know. You know. You know. You've, you know, you know. You're that daughter. Yeah. You're the six-year-old daughter. So it's very interesting that she hasn't put those two pieces together.

But she's getting there. She's getting there. But that's as blatant… like that… Yeah. That's like throwing up a mirror in front of her face. I'm surprised that she… that hasn't really clicked for her yet. But it's hard because like when you were that person and you were neglected and someone didn't want you, there's a fairness issue, right?

And when you've been on the receiving end of so much unfairness and then you become become the person who has to be fair yeah it sucks it is so shitty what your parents did to you like that is fucking bullshit and you are allowed to like be mad and fuck yeah like and say fuck them but but alternatively yeah your instinct should be reaching out to this six-year-old because you know what she's going through more than anybody else does in the family. Yeah. Like, you're the one who can, like, nurture her and be another mother figure, someone for her to lean on.

Like, if anything, I would feel like that would be, like, I don't know, not to be cheesy, but, like, kind of your calling. Like, talk about a moment that you can, like, kind of heal together. Like, it's such an important thing that you could do to this, you know, young six-year-old. and like I hate that you think that your your new child would have a half sister I mean that's fucking dope like that's exciting to me who wants I mean I know that you're an only child but all children you know kind of suck so it's kind of great that I'm the only child I looked at you directly when I said that um is it so nice to have someone that she can grow up with like I think that

as complicated as it will probably be and as complicated as it feels right now it's actually hate to say it kind of a blessing kind of a blessing yeah it's hard to get there though I sympathize yes I know

I have a lot of sympathy here I'm just cutting to the chase for sure I think though what what is clear here

is that your anger is being misdirected correct you have every right to be angry once again that anger has to be directed

as you said to your dad your mom the six year old is not the recipient of your anger and should not be. So this is… Or the abandonment. Yeah.

So this is obviously something that requires more work. Therapy will probably help you or hopefully it can help you redirect where that anger should be and then maybe replace that anger with empathy, as Sash said, like a calling. you more than anyone else can understand what this six-year-old has in front of her but how lucky she could be to have a dad who finds out six years later and wants to be a part of her life clearly like wow you described your fiance as like the most golden person and he sure sounds like it yeah like how lucky are you that you've been through such bullshit with two people who clearly didn't have your best interests at heart your parents and somehow this person came

into your life that is the universe's way totally of equaling it up for you that is the universe's way not to be a dick and I don't mean to be insensitive but like two letters ago we're dealing with a woman who has a fiance who's over in Bangkok going on secret dates right you have a fiance who adores you and who, when he found out that he had a secret six-year-old, was like, game on. I want to be part of this child's life. God, that's an amazing soul. Yeah.

I mean, let's not give too much credit. It is the right thing to do. Yeah. Yes. But we've seen that there are a lot of assholes in the world and clearly you are in love with not an asshole. Yeah. It's a great…

It's the universe saying to you, like, hey, we kicked you around. We're sorry. We're not going to give you any more people to kick you around. Instead, we're just going to bring more love into your life. Also, it's the universe, peace, love, sorry that we're hippie-ing this, but, like, of being like, oh, finally you can start to work through these issues because clearly you have not. You even say in your email that, like, you have trouble expressing yourself.

Well, this is the perfect time to fucking express yourself. as Lainey said therapy therapy is what you actually fucking need right now and so you can talk about your past you can talk about how that affects your feelings present day and how it can how you can kind of channel that and foster that with this you know young six-year-old girl like this is like yes I know it's hard to wrap your mind around and I am like looking at it like rainbows and sunshine I get it but I really do think this is like a growing opportunity and a healing opportunity for you in this stage in your life. So I don't know if we've helped in reframing your situation for you. And at the same time, yeah, your reaction might be, well, fuck, what

else are you going to say? Because this is really the right thing to do, the only thing to do. That said, there's a lot of beauty here too. There's a lot of beauty here and your child having an older sister, like someone else that will love your child and your child having two parents who are so great, like you're going to be a great parent. Your fiance is clearly already going to be a great parent. Things are okay. Things are okay. And in fact, they're more than okay. And so hopefully you can get the help you need to begin to see that and keep us posted. Have a great pregnancy and let us know in five months about your baby. Congratulations.

Yes. Keep us. Yeah. And this is an exciting time, right? Like don't get too bogged down by all this. Like this is all very exciting that you're now maybe going to be the mother of two, which is daunting, but exciting. You are basically your Giselle.

Yeah. You just got to like push out your kids. You're Giselle. Your body is still intact. Like we on this podcast are calling you Giselle Bündchen. Yeah, take that. Take that. Run with it.

We can't call ourselves Giselle Bündchen. She's annoying, but she's also Giselle Bündchen. So enjoy it. Yes, and keep us posted. And have a wonderful, wonderful pregnancy. That's it. But keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. And definitely keep leaving us comments.

Google Play, iTunes, Spotify. We are back next week. Bye. Bye. We'll see you next time.