What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: A Like-Thirsty Friend, A BJ Past, and a BF Who Won't Commit

Episode Date: May 3, 2016

Welcome back!On today's podcast we get down with thirsty social media friends, a boyfriend who has bj blowing past and a reader who is deciding to sh-t or get off the pot. So yah, it goes without saying, this week is a good one!So please, listen and when you're done come back here and if you feel as passionate as I do about freeing the tampon - sign my bloody petition!And if you don't, then fine, check out all our podcasts on iTunes and keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail]. And of course visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment gossip and fashion needs.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise. Hi, this is Lainey. Welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. Hey, Sasha. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good.

Are you recovered from, I know we can't, we don't, we're not really allowed to talk about Beyonce. because you've talked about her too much, but you're okay. I don't think I've talked about her too much, but I have things to say about Beyonce, but I'm just not going to say it at the beginning of the podcast. Maybe I'll say it in the middle. Maybe I'll say it at the end,

but it's just not going to be in the beginning. Okay. Mixing it up. What's going on with you? Nothing. I have a period story for you. It's not really actually that interesting, but I got like the nicest little gift from like some tampon fairy today you know those machines

in your work I needed one I had like fucking 50 quarters in my pocket and it just wasn't letting me um put my quarter in so I couldn't get a fucking tampon and it makes me mad because I think tampons should be free or like there should be some tax incentive or tax return because it's not like I it's not just something that just happens to someone every woman on this planet gets their period. And I think that like, we need tampons for free. They're so expensive. Anyways. So I'm quartering it, I'm quartering it and I'm fucking just jamming the machine and it won't give me a tampon. I was like, fuck, like I'm fucked. And so I go to the bathroom and I'm like, okay, I guess I'm just going to have to load up on toilet paper. And then I come out

and there's a little OB tampon. So someone, some girl probably heard me fucking trying to rip the machine open and she left a little tampon on top of the machine. And so I was like, thank you, random person. And that's my story. Anyways, it was an OB tampon. I've never used an OB tampon before. That's another story. I have two points here to pick up on is that I've never, I do not use OB tampons. I am an applicator tampon user. I think OB. What's the point of OB? You just have to stick your finger up there it's i anyways so i just you know i don't i don't understand but i don't want to sound horrible i really have thank you to the person thank you it's great thank you the ob fairy the tampon fairy can always maybe and we are open to ob sponsorships yes ob if you

are listening i reverse everything i've just said about you if you can give us your money um but on this tampon note every fucking three months you have a tampon machine bitch story no i don't like you fuck you no i don't you are the one yes you do duanna told me once you had no it's that i want them free that's all no you are always talking about tampons and machines and how the fucking machines don't work or that you never have a quarter and that you only need quarters now for the tampon. And I'm like, Sasha, why are you always tampon poor? Like I know it's true. I am tampon poor. You're the only person I know who goes to that fucking machine. Like I carry tampons with me always. Okay. Well then I'll need to hit me up. Okay. But I also don't understand. Actually,

you know what? No, I'm going to call out, um, Cynthia on the social. She is also always tampon poor. Yeah. It's probably because she also has a bit of hippie in her too. And we just expect tampons to just come from the government because they should come in little monthly packs to every woman's door. Okay. Or be reimbursed. Until that day, can you just not be tampon poor? No, I'll just come to you. Can you be tampon middle class at least? No. I'm tampon ratchet. okay should we get started yes okay first question hi Sasha a social media question for you because you seem very passionate about your feelings my friend always asks me to like her Instagram pictures and posts and also makes me retweet them and it's getting annoying I only have a bit over

100 followers and we basically know all the same people I do it because she gets mad when I don't but it's my account and she's making something petty into something bigger than it needs to be What can I say to her so she backs off? K. Well, I mean, the fact that, yes. Well, I mean, I know what you're going to say, given how you, why don't you, why don't we remind everybody how you feel about social media and the state of our world and how you think that.

I mean, I'm just off a period rant, so I'm very sweaty right now. But I will say that, yeah, like I'm surprised. It's really weird that this is the day and age that we're getting a question like this. You know, like there's friendship beef over whether or not someone wants to like an Instagram or retweet a post. Like, oh, I think my heart just fucking broke into a hundred pieces. It's a real thing though. I know somebody who does go around saying, hey, can you like my post?

Can you like my post? And then if like he doesn't have a hundred likes on an Instagram post, he will remove it. And you're friends with this person? Don't you want to just like, just scream, you're fucking lame in his face? Well, I mean, like I've expressed like, are you kidding me? But I feel like this is the world. I don't think that this is a unique to this person's friend issue because I've heard it a lot.

I mean, they've written articles. Every day I'm hearing articles about people who are basing their self-worth on likes and whatnot. Which is, so it's a real thing we have to confront. It is a real thing. And I guess that's part of the problem here is it's because it's so new, people don't really have the tools that they would have in other friendship situations. They're like, I don't know what to do.

Because I don't, frankly, I'm like, Kay, your friend's a fucking loser. Sorry. Well, what should she do? So are you suggesting that she should take a stand and actually be like, the easy way way would be like, okay, I'm just going to like it. Like, just like, what's, what does it cost you? I'm going to rewind because you actually, I don't remember what the post was, but you were saying how there was some stat about how children are like so bored now. What was that? You wrote about that this week, didn't you? Oh no. There was this study that came out that said that two

thirds of millennials are bored of like bored. Yeah. And it's because of this, right? It's like that they don't have to work for anything. It's so, everything's so instantaneous, right? That feeling of like, oh, someone fucking liked me and you get that adrenaline kick and then it goes away and then you're just bored, right? So that's why this sort of speaks to me in that same way. Like your friend just seems really fucking bored with life

if this is what she's concentrating on. But fine, she's your friend. So, and you can't, you don't want to fucking break up with her over this, I get that. But I think you should highlight to her that she might be a little too invested in social media and the fact that she's trying to stir up some conflict or stir up some drama with Kay is unnecessary

and she needs to back off. Can't she just be blunt and be like, hi friend, you're making a total fool out of yourself by making drama over me not liking your social media shit. No, I don't know. like here's, here's my question. I find it super annoying too. And our friends can be sometimes super annoying. We can annoy each other. We have friends who, you know, we laugh about the silly shit and the annoying, but you don't pick that battle all the time. You know, you don't

have to, you don't, you don't have to turn every minor irritation into a war. So for me, someone recently has taught me the phrase or to have a perspective based on what does it cost you. So what does it cost you to like a post that your friend has posted? Right. In terms of effort and how... In terms of effort and versus the cost of starting what will be an argument. Hey, I find it really annoying that you need me to like all of your posts. Why do you do that? we have the same followers. We have the same friends. This is my, but it comes down to bullying. I feel like, yes, I, if it was as simple as just like liking something, but then this, this,

this friend of Kay's is making it her job to be like her social media manager. That's, that's a, a really strange pressure that I don't think needs to be on a friendship. No, like, it's like, hey, can you come like my post? Hey, you haven't liked my post. Can you like my post? I mean, I don't think. Can you imagine if I did that to you? That's, I don't think that's bullying. No, no. Okay. Let's just, hi, lady friend. I'm going to tweet every day and I'm going to need you to retweet it and fucking like it. What are you going to do? I would, you would, you would be annoyed. No, this is what I would do. I would roll my eyes at you. To my face? Probably not to your face. Cause you wouldn't, you would probably text me. So I would look at my phone and roll my

eyes at you. And I would say to myself, like, what happens if I say no? If I say no, she's, You're going to be like, why? And then I have to tell you why. No, because I think, so I don't have the energy. To me, I would be like, this is not worth my energy. I'm just going to open up my app and be like, click. And then 30 seconds later, not even, I forgot about it. Right, which is so big of you.

So fine, I would like you to tweet and like everything. I would call Amy and be like, oh my God, like, Sasha is crazy about her. Okay, so not only are you rolling your eyes at me, you're then backstabbing me? Yes. Well, you're a fucking shitty friend. which is, but it's what we do in families, you know, like in a situation where, um, you have

brothers and sisters and you know what, maybe your brother, you dust it off. I get it. You dust it off. I get it. And then you call another sibling and you're like, Oh, Brenda's at it again. But you don't like confront Brenda. You're like, why do you do that thing with your teeth? Brenda at the table? Like, you know, these are the things. So to me, your battles is basically what you're the battles and what does it cost you? So I just, you know, the curious thing to me in this email from Kay was like, um, we know the same people and I don't know what, where's the exchange here? Like, so how come, like, I don't know, that person can't be like, Hey Kay, like my post. And why can't Kay be like, okay, can you like my post back? Okay. I have a really good solution. How

about this? Right. Okay. I'm just gonna take a deep breath. Okay. Okay. I think the solution, because I don't want to be a big jackass to Kay. I want to provide some solid advice here, which is I say you cut off your social media and go MIA for a bit. If those are no longer your accounts anyways, they're fucking dominated by your friends' retweets, then what the fuck?

Who cares? Why not just cut off social media for a couple of months and then you wash your hands of your friend and then she'll move on to someone else to make them retweet and like. then you get back on fucking social media and we're all aces. Well, I think that is a really good idea to compare what I was saying earlier about the cost. Yes. Right? Yes. Totally. So you have two choices here. What is a heavier cost for you? Just rolling your eyes and clicking on

the little heart with, you know, and then moving on to something else? Or is that going to cost does the irritation of having to do that costing you more than you shutting down your completely, your completely, your social media, then great. Then shut down your social media. But if shutting down your social media is the higher cost here, because you do want to be on social media and you do want to post your tweets, then maybe, you know, putting your thumb over the heart and then clicking on it and forgetting about it is, but this is like, to me, this is the most amazing. I feel like right now we are like parents who are listening to teenagers gripe about the smallest fucking teenage shit.

And maybe the overriding theme here is that Sash and Lainey are old bags. Oh, yeah. We knew that. That's old news. Old news that we're old hags. So there you go. You have some alternatives there. At least the question.

Ask yourself, what does this cost me? Yeah. And then you have two options. Okay. Hope that helps. Okay, let's move on. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it.

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i just want to let everybody know too that if you hear moments of disgust or fainting it's because my dog is so fucking flatulent yeah like elvis is farting us out of this room He just dropped a bomb. I feel like I can't even think. I don't even know how to answer some of these questions. This smell is so bad. Like, I don't know what to do about this dog, and he's fucking farting. Well, it should be noted here that your dog eats its own shit.

He does. And so it's like, it's not only just one gross fart, but it's like a shit fart. Which is like, I don't even know if, I didn't know that that existed. It's his own shit, and he eats other dogs' shit, and then it's going through him. And like, and we, I'm so, honestly, I feel a little. Embarrassed? No, no, I'm going to, I can't focus on anything else except for the assault smell that is attacking me right now.

Anyway. It's foul. But let's, let's get high off the fumes and go into this next question. Dear Sasha, I've been dating my guy for five and a half months and things are going great. At least that's what I thought until we were having the, how many sexual partners have you had talk? And he told me that he's had an encounter with a guy before. that encounter was sexual i tried not to have my jaw hit the floor but i couldn't help it

he said he wasn't gay but i can't get this out of my head it's one thing to be jealous over him looking at girls but now i have to worry about the whole male gender am i being insensitive do i dump him maybe you have a very angry look on your face so i'll just let you dive on in on this one how do you feel this makes you very i just i feel a little confused well first i want to say that I think that it's really interesting and fascinating that when a woman discloses to a man and they're in a straight relationship that she has had sexual encounters with women, more often than not, the man's reaction is, fuck, that's hot. Yeah, because it is hot. Like, fuck down with that. The fuck, that is hot.

Right. When a woman in a straight relationship discovers that the man that she's with has had a flirtation that is gay, it is alarm for the most part. Me, if I'm picturing it, I'd be like, you know, sometimes the dirty books I read are like dude on dude. And like I get off on that. Like picturing it, the sexual tension and like the sex scenes, it's super hot to me. But don't you think that's really interesting?

And why is that? What is the underlying social caught, like social explanation for that? I don't have an answer for that, Lainey, but it's true. That is exactly the split feeling here is, yeah, when it's girl on girl action, it's hot and guys can get over it, but girls can't seem to get over it when they found out that their boyfriend has had like gay interactions. Well, I have probably a whole feminist theory about why that is. And it's, to me, it's because sexuality and the defining of sexy and the whole industry around sex is male driven and has been for a long time. So it's men who dictate what's okay. So don't you think they would dictate that it's okay for them to fucking suck each other's dongs?

Of course not, because it's about the male gaze. So with the male gaze, for men, pornographically, for example, what desire is, what acceptable desire is, for many years, centuries, that girl on girl thing has been like, hey, two dudes walk up to each other and say like, fuck, I just saw two girls like going at it. It was so hot. That is like, that is a holding up of traditional, quote, masculinity, right? It's a preservation of conventional, historical masculinity. Whereas like, if, you know, two dudes together, a man can't find that attractive because he might have his masculinity threatened. But what's interesting is... And then women have started to buy into that because we have all been raised, We have all been conditioned by this patriarchal, male-driven, misogynistic society. I agree.

But what is interesting, though, and something that Dean, a contributor to the site, has always said to me is that all growing up, he would make out with straight boys all the time. So it's interesting. Yes. Yes. You're totally right. But behind the scenes, all these fucking straight dudes who are calling the shots are also getting

their fucking dick waxed on as well. Yeah. So it's interesting. Um, but what I do, I do want to just get back to our reader and just make this one point that stood out to me, which is, um, the whole, oh, now you have to worry about girls. Now you have to worry about guys just because your dudes had a past of, you know, given some BJs doesn't mean that he's any, he's not more likely to cheat on you or to stray because he's had that past. That's a very, very unfair, uh, thing to put on him and to put on your relationship. So if anything,

I highlight that point that our reader O needs to fucking suck that shit up. Like she needs to check herself because that is the wrong perspective to be going in on this. Yeah, I agree. And so is that her main concern, though? I think she's probably shocked. Fidelity, shock. She probably had an image of what her boyfriend was, was this like super hetero dude. And the fact that she's found out that he has, you know, has had gay sexual encounters has probably shocked her a bit, has shaken her, which I kind of want to, that's fair when someone, when you're going to be surprised.

Yeah, to be surprised. And I think that that, and maybe that's what she's going through right now. It's a bit of a major surprise that someone that she thought had a history of just having chicks has some dudes that threw her off her game, which I think is fair. um but what she does with that does she continue the relationship yes if you like the fucking dude you should well you certainly don't end the relationship because you have increased anxiety about whether or not this person is more prone to cheating because he has had sexual encounters with you know the same sex that is as you said sasha like absurd um and frankly you know let me just give you some real talk. Really stupid. So you brought up the cheating point. Now I not only have to worry about all the women in the world, I have to worry about all the men in the world. I don't understand this at all. That's ridiculous. I, in my mind, sure, surprise is valid. Like,

yeah, you think you, you know, surprise is valid, I guess, for an older generation. But I think we're moving into a time when it's not only more realistic to expect that people are going to be more sexually fluid, but that we are more accepting of people who can reveal and share their sexual fluidity. I feel like we are trying to get there. I think it's really cool that you're with somebody who is so comfortable after five and a half months with you getting down to say to you, okay, yeah, I've slept with this girl, that girl, this guy, maybe another guy, this girl, this girl, this girl. Like the fact that he is actually embracing the new world. This is someone who I'm quite interested in. Yeah. If anything more interesting. Um, and, and to shame him for

his openness or to shame him from his sexual history, which is like wonderful, falls on you, oh. So I really do think that you should- Not only falls on her, but it says more about her. Yeah, than it does about him. Yeah. He has come to you and has in this conversation and has been quite open and- And the key word here being honest, right?

Honest. If she's scared about the potential of his dishonesty, i.e. cheating, then right, she has someone who's just been totally, fully open with her, which is wonderful. And modern. Yeah. And really embracing diversity and fluid, like sexual fluid, like, I mean, and sex positivity. I mean, that's so great. So I feel like her reaction, oh, your reaction says more about you than it says about him. And this may be a time for you to examine what your own values are and what your own

attitudes are about sexuality and what you are, your expectations. but I feel like I, I hope that in, Hey, we don't, we're not perfect. So sometimes we have to be confronted with the parts of ourselves that we might not like. Um, and that's okay too. But if you don't decide, if you decide that Sasha and I are full of shit or particularly me, I'm full of shit. And like, this is what you do. This is what you need. This is what, who you are, then that is going to tell you and define for you who you are and what you define as acceptable sexual behavior. Yeah. And then from there, you'll come to your decision as to whether you want to be with him or not be with him. Yeah. But I hope what you define as acceptable sexual behavior is open-mindedness.

Amen. All right. Let's move on. hi i'm a long time fan of sasha's advice column and i finally have gotten the guts to send you guys a message the issue is i feel stuck and i don't know what to do i'm 30 years old i've been with my boyfriend for five years we live together in a rented apartment and are generally happy the problem is i want to move forward i want all things the house the dog the babies the marriage i have plentiful savings and a good job the problem is my boyfriend who's 31 doesn't he's had health challenges in the past and isn't where he wants to be career-wise he might be a tad stunted for his age he says he generally wants those things but isn't ready like isn't even ready

to even give me a timeline of when he could be ready for those things meanwhile i feel frustrated and stuck i never thought i'd be one of those women but i'm starting to feel like shit or get off the pot bud this is obviously causing issues in our relationship especially because everyone around us is either engaged or having a baby i love him i want to be with him but every time the future is even remotely discussed it doesn't go well he feels pressured and i feel increasingly irritated that we're not progressing. What do I do? Am I being a demanding cow? Do I wait it out and hope he catches up? Seriously, what the fuck do I do? Thanks. Timing's a bitch. I don't think it matters what other people are doing around you. So I hope that that isn't one

of the factors. Yeah, because you guys are still young. And that always puts people in precarious situations, when you feel pressure. Pressure isn't a good time to make decisions. You know, you should be making decisions when you feel like they're the right thing to do. And so expel yourself from these people so that you're not feeling so cornered into making a decision. And also I would listen to the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If he's not ready, I mean, he's not ready. He's telling you that. And you kind of have to listen.

You got to listen to that. You can't force him into a situation as well. Yeah. I was totally, I mean, I'm totally on board with why you're feeling this way. When I was reading your letter and you were listing off, you want the dog, you want the kids. You want the marriage. That's valid. Those are the things that you want. And I don't want to take anything away from you. The moment that you started saying that it doesn't help that everyone around you is doing the same thing, that's when I sort of wanted to hit pause on that

because as I said earlier, I don't think that that should matter. I don't think that that should increase your want or take away from your want. If what you want is what you want, let's start there. So yes, you have an expectation of how you want your life to be. You do want the marriage, the kids, the dogs. You love him though, and you want to be with him. And as Sasha said, he's not ready. And you mentioned his career. His career isn't where he wants it to be. And he's also struggled with health issues. And he's struggled with health issues. And that he's a bit stunted. She did say he was dead. So even if tomorrow she woke up and there was a ring on the table, it still wouldn't

change the fact that he isn't happy in his career and isn't happy with his physical health. And perhaps that's affecting his mental health. That's not a good place to be either to sort of make these huge life decisions. So I think it's more than just whether or not he wants to propose and eventually whether or not you guys are going to get married and have kids, I think that he's being really honest about, hey, I'm not where I want to be right now, me. And isn't it more ideal to come into a discussion about the future when both people feel whole? And he clearly doesn't feel whole right now in terms of life satisfaction and self-satisfaction. But I do understand her, her, um, anxiety about that, right?

Is he ever going to be ready? Yeah. And so that's something, yeah, shit or get off the pot. I mean, I like that. I love that saying because it's true. You gotta, you have to make that decision for yourself. Um, if he's telling you he's not ready and he doesn't know when, um, if that's a deal breaker for you and it is for a lot of women, then yeah, like then yeah, you would have to

think about that and see if he really is the one for you. Maybe he isn't the one. Maybe he will be stunted. Maybe he will always be confused. Maybe he will always be flailing in life. Is that the type of guy you're with? Like that would be what I would want to know. Like I know for me, my husband is also stunted. Um, but I, and I know it's like unglamorous and like not cute to say, but I totally was like, we have to get married. And he was like, no, like, I don't know. And I was like, no, like you and I are getting married because he's the type, I know him so well, truly. I know him so well that I knew that I had to force him to do that shit. Um, because he, that's the type of guy I'm with um cut to our wedding really he did that it was like the best time of his life

and he loves marriage the same thing uh so for him like I knew the person he like loved his wedding yes your wedding but like I feel like a lot of it was his wedding right he hit the best arm but it's that idea of like I knew who I was getting in a relationship with I knew who I was forcing to get married to me and I knew that he would like that I think you're dealing with the complete opposite. If you force this guy into an engagement, into a marriage, you're going to be left with someone who is very unhappy. And he's telling you no, and he's telling you no because of, yes, mental health issues, all this kind of stuff. But I don't know. That's your decision to make. You need to know what kind of guy you're with. Does that make sense?

I think that, yeah, I think you're totally right. She needs to know what kind of guy she's with, And she also needs to revisit why they're together. Because after all is said and done, she also did say, I love him and I want to be with him. Why do you want to be with him? You know, like what are the things that are still holding you strong that are there? And do they outweigh, you know, waiting? Do they outweigh waiting?

Do they outweigh waiting? Right? Like, you know, because there comes a time when someone asks themselves, shit or get off the pot, at a certain point, there's a dissatisfaction in more in what that relationship is, right? Maybe he's like, okay, he's not happy with where he wants to be in his career and he's not fucking doing anything about it. I'm sick of it. Is there that aspect to it? Yeah. Or he's not happy where he is in his career and, you know, he needs to figure it out and he's still finishing school or whatever.

And you see that he's making effort to figure that out. Yeah. I don't know if I have that information about this guy. But I do know that, you know, she is saying she loves him and she wants to be with him. So what is that? What are the pillars? Yeah, what are the pillars? I think that, you know, I feel like, as Sasha said earlier, you need to remove the influence of other people getting married and doing their thing and that pressure.

and really just look into the relationship that you have now and see and weigh where all those things are. Yeah. And I think then you'll come to the decision of what to do. But there are a couple of layers here, right? Yeah, you're right. Peeling back. There's peeling back of the pressure from people and then there's peeling back of the actual person you're with. You got to make some decisions on who you're with and if he is capable of sharing the same dreams as you are long-term. Yeah. All right. I think that's good. Yeah. Keep us posted and keep your questions coming to Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. And check us out on iTunes and don't forget to leave comments. We will be back next week. And oh my God, I didn't mention Beyonce once,

but I will mention that I really do think we should start a petition about free tampons. Peace. Bye. do you keep hearing podcast ads like this one for example but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise.