What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: A Sh-tty Gifter, Abortion (non)Guilt, and a Quitting Volunteer

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

Welcome back to this week's Sasha Answers Podcast!On today's show: can you break up with a sh-tty gift giver, when is a good time to tell someone you've had an abortion, and can you ever bail on a volunteering commitment.Keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail] and as always, check us out on iTunes and on Google Play to subscribe and leave your feedback, and visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment updates.S.xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Lainey. Welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. And we're sorry we missed a week. Why did we? Well, I'm sorry. You're not sorry, but I'm sorry. It's because you and Yasik like had the bird flu or something, right? We didn't have the bird flu, thanks very much. We had a really bad cold together and didn't, you know, I don't think it's nice to invite people over to a germ infested home. No, I am appreciative of that. You offered and I was like, no, thank you. And trapping you in here. So yeah, we're sorry, but we are back. And it's almost Halloween. Yes. What is your costume? I'm sure it doesn't come to any surprise that I don't like Halloween. I don't like Halloween. I don't like New Year's. I don't

like forced holidays. And Halloween is one of those. I will be handing out candy, but I don't know what I'm going to dress up as. My husband and I… To dress up… Sorry, you don't know what you're going to dress up as to hand out candy? Yeah. Or like if someone invites me somewhere and I'm forced to go. Right. Corey and I watched St. Elmo's

Fire recently and do you… Have you seen that movie? Do you remember where… Like I haven't memorized. Oh, you do? Yeah. Okay. So do you remember when they go to the party and Rob Lowe is there with like some really weird fucking tank top? Yes. I think it has like lightning bolts on them. And a bandana. Yes. Yes. So Corey's going as that

and then I'm going… So Corey's going as Rob Lowe. Yeah. The hottest guy in the 80s. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We're not conceited. And you are who? Jenny Moore. No. Oh my God. Mayor Winningham. I'm going as the like nerdy one. The Mary… Mayor Winningham. Yeah. Like the one that pines for him. Yes. And in the big sweater. Yes. Yes. Okay. Because I found that I think that that's going to be really comfortable for me. So that's what I'm going as? What are you guys doing? Like that is, if somebody invites you, then that'll, that'll to go somewhere. Or will you pass out candy in that? Cause I'm not sure that no 10 year old kids are going to, no, they're just going to look at me like, but the parents might

and you're doing it more with the parents. Look, I am half Asian there. I'm not going to look like that chick at all. I'm going to be wearing a blonde wig with a bang on it. Right. Yeah. But like still at the end of the day, I'm not going to look like her, but Corey will, Corey will be Rob Lowe, Rob Lowe, which will be great. He was so hot in that movie. I know. Like when he busts in to save Demi Moore. Yes. He's such a beautiful face. It's ridiculous. And he talks about St. Elmo. He gives the cheesiest speech about how St. Elmo's fire lights up the sky or whatever. Amazing. What are you guys doing? That movie was so bad, but so good. I don't think we're going to be anything. Okay. Oh,

are we, I guess the thing is we're probably not going to, see, like, do we have, we have no plans? I don't think we collectively as like a group have no plans, but definitely we have to buy a pumpkin. Okay. Because last year we were ready to pass out candy. Fucking had the candy, had the door blocked off so the dogs wouldn't run out into the street. But the sign, at least in our neighborhood, is to have a pumpkin on the porch. Yeah, of course. Oh, great. Well, have you just come to Canada? No, no. Okay. I fucking said to Yassic. The day before, the day before that, I was like, go get the fucking pumpkin. Do we have a pumpkin? He's like, I don't want to get a pumpkin. Didn't go get a pumpkin because he's

fucking lazy. And what happens is that I'm fucking, I'm at the window. I'm at the window waiting. I can't wait. I'm like, kids, come to my home for my candy, but they don't see the pumpkin. They blow by the house. Then there's me, crazy lady in the window, luring children in my, like begging them by the window. They were like, who is the pervert? The 40 year old fucking pervert lady who wants us to come to her home. I looked at him and I was like, you better go get a fucking pumpkin next year. What did you think was going to happen? Don't look at me. Look at him. Why don't you look at him? Okay. Okay. So wait, he doesn't, he's saying he doesn't want ants in the pumpkin, but like, I think you can. There are no ants

in the pumpkin if you don't cut the pumpkin open. No. Okay. So this is what I was going to say. And I knew this was going to be your stupid answer. If you're going to have a fucking pumpkin, you're going to fucking cut it and you're going to put a fucking candle in it because that's part of the experience. You don't just put a pumpkin in. You have to carve it. You don't have to carve it. You can just put the pumpkin whole.

Okay, but that's pretty lazy and lame. So I'm just saying if you want to… I'm not cutting the pumpkin. I'm just going to stick the pumpkin, two pumpkins. I want two pumpkins on either side of the porch. So that will be the sign. Of course, the universal sign, people come to my home. Instead of me being by the fucking window begging children to come see me.

So that is obviously the better alternative. Goddamn molester. Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. Like, I was screaming at one point from the window, come across the street. Oh, Jesus. Okay. It was really embarrassing.

Well, I'm glad that this… Blame him. Well, I'm not going to blame him. I just hope that you guys actually carve a pumpkin. He's not going to carve the pumpkin. Okay. Whatever. All right.

Let's get into… Okay. Let's get started. If I carved the pumpkin, I would be in an accident. Like, I… Because it's so hard to… Gourds are hard to… Yeah, you should actually also, because I feel like your eye, then you got sick.

You got to avoid the third option, so no sharp things around you. Gourds are very hard to cut into. I would have an accident. Thanks very much, Yasik. Okay, ready? Yeah. First question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey.

I'm a listener in Ireland. Oh, hi, Ireland. And I love your podcast. Thank you very much. Okay, so I'm writing to you for advice on how to deal with a mean money-wise friend. Okay. I love money drama between friends. This friend met a guy three years ago and married him this past summer.

Since meeting him, she did the usual, friend's not a priority thing, and has been very mean with her time and effort as a friend, but our friend group gave her the benefit of the doubt, and since the actual wedding, things have improved a bit. However, the money issue hasn't changed. She quit her job and joined her husband in his business. They make a lot of money, drive flashy cars, and just had a wedding none of the rest of us can even imagine affording right now. We're all in our mid-20s. She often throws out comments about how her husband won't even carry notes less than 20 and will not carry any coins. And recently

she amassed a large amount of cash from counting up his throwaway change. The rest of us are in starter jobs that drive shitty cars, but we're young and happy and not looking to be in her position for another while at least. Cut to my birthday earlier this month. She made the effort to come, which I was really touched by. She even had a gift, a big insert expensive beauty brand gift box. Okay. So we don't want to name the brand. Okay. So a gift box, a gift box of beauty products. Let's call it like, let's give it a, so it's like Dior. Let's just, it's a Dior box. Fine. Just for sake of, yeah. Okay. I was shocked when I saw this because it has been something of a running joke about what gift she will give next based

on previous years, which have generally been shower gel sets from your local drugstore. I opened the box and inside was the Dior candle. And the rest of the space was filled with two bags of sweets. I love those. Keep on going. Okay. This sounds like a great gift to me so far. It was the candle.

Okay. At the time, I was so touched that she had bought me something so significant and I really was so grateful and told her so. About 15 minutes after giving the gift, she started asking if any of us had hand cream and then whipped one out of her bag, a matching one from the candle I'd just received. That got the cogs turning and I later realized that the large box had been a set and she had taken items out, kept them, and filled up the rest of the box with sweets and regifted to me. My suspicions were confirmed when I told my sister the story, and she said she'd seen a picture of the same gift set on my friend's Instagram a few weeks before. Okay, so the best

part is… Here's the Instagram. I'm looking at the Instagram photo, the gift box. She inserts it. Yes, okay. It's definitely not the first time she's done this, but it's the first time I've known for sure. Just a disclaimer, I really don't expect gifts from my friends. We don't earn much, but they always surprise me with something really thoughtful and sweet. I have about five really close friends and I'm happy to put aside at least 50 pounds or euro, sorry, yeah, 50 euro to treat them once a year on their birthday. This particular friend has also had expensive engagement and wedding gifts from me and my friends. And I have paid for two nights in the very pricey hotel her wedding was in too. It wasn't easy, but we made the sacrifices needed to afford to be part of the

celebration and give her meaningful gifts too. Yet when it's my turn, she regifts me part of a gift set, which she definitely got as a wedding gift. What should I do? Am I being a bitch? I haven't said anything and I laughed it off at first, but I can feel my underlying resentment now when she's sending us photos on our group chat of things she's bought and her expensive wedding video. I don't want to be bitter and for her to just think I'm a cow, but likewise, I haven't ever confronted her before over much bigger issues than this. Thanks guys. K. All right. Oh, this is so funny to me. Well, I mean, does having money mean that you have to give lavish gifts? No.

No, right? So, I mean, most people are rich because they're fucking cheap. So this chick is just fucking collecting her money and using her hand cream. I don't know. For me, this sounds, this sounds really petty. And I don't think it's over a boxed hand cream. I think it probably is that she just really doesn't like this person as a friend. Yeah. No, I think you're right. What you're saying is that this goes deeper than just hand cream. Yeah. And candles. And candies. Or, sorry, bags of like drugstore sweets replacing hand cream, but leaving the candle because the candle is the worst part of a gift set. Like nobody wants…

No, I want a candle. I never want the fucking candle in a gift set. Oh, I always want the candle. I don't want the hand cream. That's why I was like, great, you will… I love the hand cream. Okay. So we're dealing with someone who likes hand cream.

I feel like most people would agree with me and not want the candle and want the hand cream over the candle. Well, but I feel the same way. Because you're a fucking hippie. That's why. No, I just… And you like burn shit in your house and pray to it and whatever. But who has time to…

A, that's true. I don't. But B, like, fuck, when do you pull out hand cream? Do you use hand cream? You know what? I should eat that shit because I know lots of people who use hand cream. I definitely use hand cream. Okay.

I have, like, three hand creams in my bag right now. Okay, fine. So you're right. I think this is deeper than just hand cream and it's about the fact that this friend has obviously disappointed them over three years and is obnoxious about her money and is obviously a show-off and a braggart and, you know, if you're the kind of person over group chat who's like, oh, look what I bought. Right.

You're a bit of a dick. Yeah. And then I guess, I mean, it's understandable why, hey, you're on group chat and you're like just buying new clothes and this and that and you had to fucking shove drugstore sweets into a box that used to have hand cream. I'd feel a little bit like cheesed too, but I don't think it's a thing that you can throw down over. No.

There needs to be something way more, like if she obviously is itching and wanting to confront her, but this is not the particular example that you're going to bring up to her about why she's a bad friend. Right? Like, she needs something way more substantial. But I think that at this point, it's time to maybe not be so invested in that particular friendship. Yes, 100%.

Like, you can't be disappointed if you don't have expectations. Totally. So I think it's probably time not to confront her with this particular issue, but it's probably time to, in your mind, start thinking of this person as somebody who just shows up because you all have history, but I don't think that you should be putting your, like, heart and soul into this friendship anymore. And she's actually in a really good place because there's nothing worse than having to break up with a friend, but it's really easy to fade out a friend.

So she's… our writer is, like, in a really good position to start fading her out slowly and that's how you deal with it because, like, if you get to the point where, like, yeah, as you said, you're more invested and, like, you start to get in more arguments and more petty shit goes, you know, gets brought up and then you have to break up. Like there's nothing worse than having to break up with a friend. Well, I'm not sure if breaking up or fading out is ever going to be an option because it sounds like this is a big group of people. They've known each other for a while and, you know…

But they went to their weddings and shit. What's that? Like she was like part of her bridal party and stuff. This is what I'm saying. So I'm not sure the fade out is ever going to be successful because this person is clearly part of a crew. But I think that emotionally and intellectually and spiritually, mentally, whatever, you have to start thinking of that person differently.

Like, this is a person who's just going to disappoint you over and over and over again. So, but again, you can't be disappointed when you have no expectations of them. Like, whatever. Well, you know what? And I totally hear you. It's just so much easier said than done. Like, you know, I've had friends in our friend circle that have time and time disappointed And like as much as you want to shrug it off, it still pisses you off.

Like it's hard not to be invested in someone that you see a lot. You know, you always hope. You always think like fingers crossed, oh, this person's going to get their shit together or they'll like fucking finally grow up. But don't you think that at a certain point you can come to a place where that person gives you the candle and the drugstore sweets in place of the hand cream and you laugh about it instead of being pissed? It's just the most hysterical thing, and it ends up being, like, almost the best thing.

You'd rather not get the hand cream so that you could tell this story, and it's so funny. Like, right now, Kay here still sounds a little bitter and a little hurt, and all I'm saying is that eventually you get to a place mentally where it becomes a joke. Yeah. Like, I can't fucking wait, and this is so funny. That's true. And then if she is nice to you, you're like, oh, fuck, why didn't she be nice to me? Like, it's way better when she's a fucking disappointment.

It's awesome. Yeah. So in due time, Kay, you will find this very funny. Kay, also, one last thing that I, one last observation, at least based on my experience. There are things here that you describe about your friend that would say to me that she's actually not as well off as she's fronting she is. Just because of the flash? Real people who have money don't need to scrounge around for their husband's pocket change or

loose change. Like when money is that disposable, you don't have to look for it. You lose it and you don't miss it. The fact that she is scrounging around and putting together a whole bunch of cash, like I'm picturing her now looking under the couch cushions. The fact that she's doing that. Oh, that actually makes me sort of sad. Exactly.

This is what I'm saying to Kate. I'm like, you know what, this is, to me, this is a young woman who's met somebody who has some financial, some financial freedom, and suddenly she's living this life and she keeps showing it off to the point where it almost has become like an extra limb. I don't know. That is, to me, that says that she's compensating for something else. Yes. And then when you have to hold on to the only thing that you have of value is the money,

not the relationship, then that's a problem. And then scrounging for change in the couch or whatever is, like I said, people who are really well off don't miss money. Yeah. And they're definitely not scrounging for fucking coins. Exactly. So if you have any place in your heart, Kay, for sympathy for the asshole who gave you the candle but not the hand cream, that might be where you're looking.

But fuck, if you don't want a candle, give me the candle. I'll take it. I hate the candle. Okay. Next. So here's the next letter. Last year, shortly after my 30th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. It was a perfect storm of broken condom and morning after pill failure. Before getting to how I felt about it, I need to add this in. I am 100% pro-choice and I believe in being responsible about birth control. I also have a genetic mutation that makes me 30 plus percent more likely to get blood clots than the average woman. This means I cannot be on birth control with estrogen and a hematologist has told me if I ever wanted to have kids, I would

need to be on blood thinners and bed rest. All that aside, I'm a firm believer that only people who really want children should have them and I didn't and likely won't ever. Afterwards, in spite of knowing it was the right decision, I felt like the worst person on the planet. I felt hollow. I felt like someone who didn't ever deserve to have children or I ever to want them. And I felt selfish because so many people try to have kids and can't. Plus, I have friends who've had had miscarriages. In the days, weeks, and months after my surgery, I was experiencing full-on postpartum depression,

doctor confirmed. I saw a counselor who helped me work through it. And after eight years of on and off with my ex, I started slowly dating someone new, B. When B wanted to sleep together, I told him about my surgery, that I wasn't ready yet, and I needed to take it slow. I told him to see other people because I wasn't sure when I would be ready. He was very understanding and there for me, and we dated from fall into the new year on a very casual basis.

Just as I was starting to get over things and feeling ready to go all in, I got a random message in the middle of the night from a girl he had also been seeing. She told me I was a horrible person for jerking him around That I was a quote drunk mess That she was tired of being dragged through our BS Even though I'd never heard about her Because apparently he'd break up with her Anytime I gave him more attention

And oh, she'd had a stillborn So how dare I think I know anything about infant loss Something I would never ever compare to my abortion So obviously I let him have it for sharing my very personal story with an unbalanced stranger, painting a completely false picture of me, I'm definitely not a drunk mess, and told him I never wanted to see or hear from either of them ever again. And I haven't, thank God.

Although thanks to social media, I know they are now dating. I guess assholes deserve each other. My issue is, when I told my friends and family in my support network who knew about my abortion about this message, I got a fucking weird and disturbing range of reactions. My mother told me, although she supports my right to choose, she was so sad she never got to meet her first grandchild. My dad went off saying he doesn't understand why anyone is on social media, and I basically invited it by being on Facebook.

Yes, I told my parents because they were freaking out about what was going on with me. A male friend, who I would say was one of my best friends at the time, told me to never share that information with another guy until I was sure I wanted to marry him. I told him I was mad at him for saying that. and although we've spoken since and put this incident to the side, he has essentially gone mute and now we barely speak. I know this topic is super sensitive for a lot of people, but I am not ashamed of my decision. For health reasons, for personal reasons, for myself, this was the right choice. I know that, but I still feel heartbroken over the fact that I even had to

make the decision in the first place despite taking precautions. So to have people who I thought were close to me tell me that I should keep my mouth shut or that they were hurt in some way by my decision just makes me feel devastated all over again. They will never understand how complicated my feelings were about it, how hard it was to do, and how much I want to move on. As one year since the surgery creeps up on me next week, I wonder if I should just let it go and shut up. Hardly anyone is willing or comfortable to talk about it or those that do pass judgment. When is the right time to disclose this info to a new BF or even a friend? I thought I had been choosy about who I told, but maybe I need to pipe down.

My feeling was if a guy isn't okay with it, our relationship would never work. So it's better to get out of the way. Also springing that on someone who I've been with for a long time seems like a lie of omission. But maybe I'm being naive about how disapproving people really are. I need an objective opinion. Thanks for the help. This person's also called Kay. Okay.

So there's a lot going on here. Wow. Kay sounds like the only sound human being amongst her family and friends. I am quite shocked that that is the response that she got from her best friends and from her family members. I mean, I just hope that Kay knows that you and I, who are complete strangers, not only support her decision, but whatever she chooses to do and however she wants to tell people, She has every right to tell them when she feels comfortable.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be, like, to hide behind. People go through shit. And she made a decision that was right for her. And yes, as she says, anybody who would be conflicted about that or judge her or not want to be with her or not want to be friends with her are fucking dicks. That's just how I feel. I don't know.

I know that's, again, easier said than done to do. but you have to stay true to who you are and you sound like, I don't know, pretty rad and pretty like level-headed here. Yeah. I feel sad too. Like, I mean, sometimes our parents are just going to have asshole reactions that you can't control. I mean, I know you have like a perfect relationship with your mom, but like my mother is an asshole and asshole things come out of her mouth all the time. Okay. So yeah, speak to that then. How do you deal with that? There has been a huge shelf, and you can go, there's a huge section in the library, in all of literature, about the complicated and shitty things that parents and children say

to each other. Sure. You know, television would not exist. That's true. That is true. If that's not based on something that other people can relate to. So, you know… You're not going to, obviously, disown your parents for this.

You can't disown your parents. And I'm sorry that both your parents had such shitty attitudes about it and weren't more loving and supportive, although it sounds like your mom tried to be and just was expressing sadness over not being able to be a grandmother, which, I mean, I guess there are grandmothers out there who would be able to relate to that too. It's very complicated, but, you know, but yeah, she's getting the one-two punch from different sides, so that's why it makes it more annoying. So I can't, I don't know what I can say to make you feel better about the fact that

your parents weren't as 100 about it as you would want them to be. But at the same time, maybe it might make you feel better to know that like, hey, Lainey has some asshole mom. Parents say some fucked up shit. Sure. Constantly. Yes. In fact, I just started watching Gilmore Girls. And one of the people's favorite elements of Gilmore Girls is how the grandma… So there's three women, right? There's Emily, Lorelai and Rory Rory's the youngest

Emily's the grandmother and Emily and the middle like Emily and her daughter are so mean to each other that's an essential component of the show and that's one of the reasons why people love the show

it's a realistic portrayal of mother-daughter relationships that are fraught or parent-child relationships that are fraught with conflict

and being mean to each other what was that Julia Roberts movie with Osad something Osad County what's it I'm fucking up August Osad

that was a great film exactly again Meryl Streep right Right? In that. So, you know, who can explain what happened? Okay, so your parents.

People have disappointed you. Your friend, that dude friend of yours who gave you the advice not to tell any guys about it until you're in a deep relationship. I think that that is maybe a disservice to men or nice men because I think that, I don't know, if you've met someone who really is like a stand-up person, I'm not sure that he would go running. Yeah. The hope is that you present something that you've been through that's a challenge,

that they're not going to be like, oh, bad decision, see you. Like, whether or not they agree with it or not, they will still stand by you if they like other parts of you and want to get to know you. Like, if they would bounce from hearing that, then yes, they're fucking lame. Like, you should move on anyways. That's a great… Yeah. So I don't know that they're… to answer your question, when is the right time to tell

people? I don't think that there ever is going to be a textbook schedule, you know, fifth date after the scallops have arrived. Like, it's never going to be… it's when you feel comfortable telling somebody. 100%. So I don't ever want to impose anything on you that dictates to you when you should, you know, when you should be on somebody else's timeline to disclose something that matters so much to you.

This is your timeline. Yeah. So whenever you are ready to tell somebody, give her. Yeah. Yeah. Like when you're comfortable, it shouldn't rely on someone else's comfortable zone either, right? Like if you end up making someone feel uncomfortable, that's on them, not on you.

But this is a bigger discussion, and I've read articles lately about a woman's right to choose and abortion. and, hey, everybody has their reason to have an abortion or to not have an abortion. And everybody has their right to feel about it the way that they do. That said, there is, and I have to, I cite this article, a few articles that I've read lately, there is almost a pressure to feel a certain way after you've had an abortion. And the movie Obvious Child, have you seen it with Jenny Slate? Where she doesn't give a shit.

That's right. The movie Obvious Child deals with this very well. And Kay, if you're still listening after we've shit on your parents, and if you haven't seen it yet, definitely go rent it, Netflix it right now. So it's about a woman who has an abortion after a one night stand, right? And the whole point of the movie is, hey, she had an abortion and didn't feel bad about it. there's a lot of like social language about the fact that the expected feeling after a woman has

an abortion is to be sad and to feel regretful and to have to justify it. And you know what? The whole point is we fought so hard for the right, and some people are trying to take that right away from us. We fought so hard to choose what to do with our bodies. If you don't feel bad about the decision that you made, you don't have to. And people don't have to sort of add to that. But wait a minute. That must have been really hard. You have a condition that, you know, makes it really hard for you to do certain things or have certain things happen to your body. So why should you… I don't know. I feel like there's this whole social expectation that anybody who has an abortion probably has to live through, like, sadness about it. And if they're

not sad, it means there's something wrong with you. God, I hate that. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like some forced mourning period that you don't need to have if you don't feel those feelings. But our reader Kay did feel those feelings, right? Yes. Every right to you. And if it did take eight months of therapy to get through this, then that's great that she, you know, went out and seek that out and had to deal with that. But now that she's come out of it, as you say, there's no need to feel now added pressure, added guilt from other people. Like that is their issue. Like they need to fucking, if they're going to sling shit, then I don't know. I just don't think that shit should stick on you and you need to be strong enough and to be

like righteous in your decision that you made the right decision for you. Like the end. Fucking period. Full stop. That's it. I feel like that was more… like what I just said was more for people who are listening who aren't K, who either are going through it, have to make the decision, and are like, hey, but I didn't feel bad about it.

Is there something wrong with me? Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. That's good to say. And for people who are listening to be like, hey, if your first inclination is to feel

bad for someone who did it, maybe don't. Yeah. Just wait to hear how they felt about it first. Yeah. Agreed. Okay. So we have one more to go and this is a dilemma. Okay.

Dear Sasha, my friend, let's call her Penelope, is amazing. She has three children who are all wonderfully behaved, a great husband, and powerful career. and did I mention she's such a reliable friend? She's also involved in community work and is on the board of many charities. Now to the dilemma. She's asked me to participate and volunteer at one of her charities once a week.

It's a great cause and all in all, it would take about three to four hours of my time a week. She asked kindly and I didn't have the guts to say no because what kind of selfish person would I be to say no to people in need? But after two weeks of it, I'm exhausted. I have two daughters of my own, run my own business, and barely feel like I have time to myself.

I think you can guess where I'm going with this. Can I quit? What do I tell her? Or do I have to see this commitment out because Penelope is such a good friend and I'm doing good by doing this work? But even though it's stressing me out, please, any advice would be helpful. Tony. Okay.

All right. I have an example that is very parallel to this, but I first want to talk about the fact that you are very open and love the fact that you work like a bajillion jobs, right? You love that. You love telling people that you have like 8,000 jobs and you thrive off of it too, right? Yes. It's called busy bragging, I've learned. Okay.

Well, you busy brag. Apparently it's not an attractive quality, but fine. Listen, I find it incredibly inspiring, but I choose not to have that life, right? I don't want to work, you know, five million jobs. And so for me, that kind of is speaking to that a bit from Tony. It's because like just because Penelope is like this mover and shaker and can juggle a thousand fucking balls in the air doesn't mean that you have to or that you should or that you can, right?

Because some people are built for it and some people are not. Yeah. I agree. Okay. Some people are built for one… and no one is better than the other. So 100%. Do you think you're better than me, though, that you do a bunch of jobs? Maybe a little bit.

So there you go. No, it's just… but that's my nature. Like, if I don't deal well with… as Jacek says, like, he worries that when I don't have enough to do that he might, like, something bad might happen to him. Oh, my gosh. because I'd be at home so bored and then I'd just be mad at him. Right, right, right. And I have a temper.

Right. Yeah, see, he's nodding. Okay. So I just… I'm one of those people who needs to be busy all the time. But not everybody's built that way. Yeah. And probably, like, it's better not to be built that way. And then so now the second layer, though, is service, right?

Like, what kind of person are you if you don't, you know, offer your service to the community? I don't know. So this is what rung true for me. So two years ago, everyone knows, blah, blah, blah. Very sad. Sad, Sasha. Very sad. Felt really depressed. Felt really sad for myself. And then I was like, fuck this. I have to stop doing this. I need to get back to the stuff that I love. So last year, I started to volunteer for this organization that I had wanted to for fucking ever. Like literally since I had moved to Toronto, I'd been trying, I'd been setting my resume. And finally I got it and I was like, fuck yes, I can now do good and stop thinking about my stupid self all the time. And so I did it for about three or four months and

it was only once a week. It was like fucking three hours, no big deal. I thought I could handle it and then I fucking couldn't handle it. It was so stressful for me. I dreaded it every Sunday. I had to do it every Monday. Every Sunday I'd fucking like have a panic attack because I was like, I don't, like, I just wasn't in the right mind frame to do what I thought I was. I thought by, yeah, giving my time to someone else, I would feel better about myself and at the same time help people. And so I had talked to my friends and Corey specifically about this. And I was like, I think I have to quit. And he was like, you're a really horrible person if you quit. Like, you're a bad person if you do this, right? Like, he's like, you can't 90% something,

especially when there are these children on the line like what kind of human are you and I was like okay yeah you're right like I'm a fucking horrible person um out on the depression I'm a really bad person but then I was like fuck you Corey and fuck all my friends because like my I whatever it is is just like everything in my body and my cells are rejecting this so I went and I told them I couldn't do it anymore I was like whatever I wrote this long email um it is like the best decision I have ever made. Truly. Because I was finally like, I just got real with myself. I was like, this isn't something I can do right now. Not in the right mind frame. I don't have the fucking time. And I can't, like I'm supposed to be there for

these children. And if I am being so selfish, thinking about my own problems still, then I'm not really being there. I'm not really being of service. And so that's kind of what I want to say. Like, if you're only, to our reader, Tony, if you're just half-assing this, then that's kind of shitty too. Like, if you're really going to put the time and put the work and volunteer somewhere, then you put the time and you put the fucking work and you fucking volunteer 100%. And if you can't do that, then you're just, you know, it's an injustice to the people that you're trying to help too.

And so I would say, like, be honest. Be honest with how you feel and be honest with fucking Penelope and tell her you can't do it anymore and outline the reasons why you can't. Like, listen, Tony doesn't sound like a dick, right? I think we can all agree that Tony doesn't sound like a selfish asshole. So I just think that you bow out. I think sometimes you have to bow out of things if they don't feel right. That's kind of how I feel. I can't argue with that in the sense of I used to work in social services. I used to work in fund development. So I worked at Covenant House Vancouver. We helped street kids with programs that help them hopefully turn their lives around and we had a very

active volunteer program and there were volunteers who were super engaged and wanted to do more and were the light of the organization. I mean, there were certain jobs that we just didn't have enough paid staff to get to. Right. And it was awesome. And then there were volunteers who maybe weren't that reliable, but when they showed up, that was great too. Okay. But I'm sure some people bowed out, right?

Yes. And some people bowed out. And I can say that at least from our perspective at Covenant House, we understood when people bowed out for a variety of reasons, whether it's scheduling, whether or not it wasn't something… whether it was something that, you know, they realized it wasn't… Too heavy for them to do, right? It was too heavy for them to do. I don't think that we took it personally and we wouldn't judge. Because as you said, within the organization, you want volunteers who want to be there. Because in particular, you want that kind of energy. And you can sense the kind of energy that is, as you said, going like half-ass or only

a certain percent. At the same time, the only thing I would recommend is, you know, when you bow out, do it in a way where maybe they've been able to backfill you. Yes. Don't leave them high and dry, right? Exactly. Don't leave them high and dry. Give them enough notice just like you would for any job.

And then maybe once you've had the time to process, Toni, the stress and come down from it and, you know, at least regroup, maybe that particular charity wasn't or that organization wasn't meeting your needs. Because a volunteer philanthropic experience is also about match. Yeah. Right. And this is one of the things that I learned as a professional person, like working in the charitable profession, is it's about relationship building. You know, when I was in particular a fundraiser and we never called it asking for money, we called it developing a relationship between the donor and the organization. And that relationship is not based on just cash. It's based on what both the donor and the organization are able to add into

each other's lives. And sometimes it's not a good match. So if that helps at all, Tony, for you to look at it as some relationships work and some relationships don't work. And it doesn't look like this particular relationship is working for you. It's okay for you to step away from it. But But I wouldn't swear off relationships, period, in general, forever. Oh, God, no. And that is… Yeah, like, it comes down… And that was why I wanted to share my shitty experience is because it came down to timing.

If this was to happen now in my life, I would be, again, really full on. Like, I've volunteered my time many times in my life and saw it through because I was in a better time in my life. and so if your life feels chaotic right now right you just you can't even manage your fucking kids which is fair enough um then that's okay that's okay to be honest and be honest with your friend and be honest with yourself that you can't do it but yes like for sure don't be a dick for the whole your rest of your life like definitely volunteer when things slow down for you again services is a super important uh element in your life but um yeah like I don't think there's

anything to feel, I mean, yeah, you'll feel bad, but like you shouldn't feel ashamed of saying how you actually feel about something. And on a final note on that, like, you know what? We're approaching the holidays. We're, what, almost, we're mid-October exactly. So it's going to come up real fast. Yeah. Which is traditionally the biggest time of need for many charitable organizations. And I know this sounds, there's no non-gross way to say this, but since I'm not saying it on behalf of one charity, I don't feel bad. Donations are never bad. Yes. So give all your money. I know that people, you know, want to be there in person and it's so great that volunteering definitely is an important aspect of service and life. But you know what? Speaking of

somebody who's worked for several charities, we like the check too. Yeah. Okay, so that's a nice thing. Yes. So you say to Penelope, I'm so sorry, I can't do this. If it's possible for you, Tony. Sure. And if it's possible for Tony to cut a little bit of dough, she can give that to the organization

as like, I'm very apologetic. But this isn't just a general, not just for Tony, but for everybody. Yes. Some people feel like, oh, I have to show up and, you know, help serve the turkey dinner and whatever. And I'm just saying, if you don't have the time and you don't want to show up, come Cutting a check for 20 bucks works too? Yeah.

No, that's true. That's true. Yeah. Okay. So I think that's it for us this week. Yes. So we promise that we'll be back next week. We're healthy and we're moving forward.

I'm traveling though. Oh, you are? See you Calgary this weekend. Where are you going? Calgary. For? An art gala. Oh.

Yeah. Who are you that you're going to a fucking art gala? I'm hosting it. Oh. It's called Look for Contemporary Calgary. And did this happen after you told everyone that you were like some, like after your Chicago trip where you were talking about how you're so artsy fartsy? No, it happened way before that.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, good. I'm not like a fucking art expert. In fact, I don't know much about art. You shouldn't say that. You're going to be hosting an art event. They know that.

Okay. I'm not some scholar, but it's a fundraiser for art to raise funds for art appreciation and particularly contemporary art in Calgary. I love that. I'm really excited for it. So yeah. But anyway, I won't be doing anything because I'm a horrible person. But keep your questions coming to Sasha at LaineyGossip.com.

And don't forget to check us out on iTunes and Google Play. And we will be back next week. Bye. Bye. you