What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Dickmatized and Confused, Mean Girls Return, & Raped and Alone

Episode Date: August 23, 2016

Welcome Back to the Sasha Answers Podcast!This week's show is a mixed bag. We talk about being dickmatized, how to deal with a mean girl group, and finally, things get pretty emotional for Lainey and I as we try to help a teen who has been raped. I won't lie, we had to take a few breaks to get through that one.And as promised in the podcast we wanted to provide a couple of links to our brave writer. The first resource is Rainn - an anti-sexual assault organization working with local rape crisis centers across the U.S., which also has a web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support. As well we wanted to also include the powerful impact statement from Brock Turner's victim who he savagely raped behind a dumpster while she was blacked out.Thanks for your continued support and keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail]. Check us out on iTunes and on Google Play to subscribe and leave your and feedback, and visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment updates.S.xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Lainey, and welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. Hi, Sasha. Hi, how's it going? It's good. You know, we are, I learned today when you came into my office that we are cycling at the same time. Oh, yes, we are, yes. You didn't feel very good this weekend.

I didn't, because of your period. I just wrote, I just dedicated an entire column in Flair Magazine to my relationship to my period. Oh. Her name is Maren. Oh. Your period's name's Maren? I did.

I named her Maren about 18 months ago when she started changing the dynamics of our relationship. Right. When she fucking started making you. Correct. And that's when I realized. I mean, I wrote about it in Flair. The draft is off, but I realized. You didn't let me vet it?

Your blood sister, your tampon sister, the one who, like, seems to be very knee deep in blood all the time. The fact that we are on the same cycle now. I know that. Clearly. And once again, this month, you are tampon poor. Because the reason you came into my office, again, is because you didn't have a tampon. I underestimated the flow.

I thought I was good times and then I realized that I wasn't and I needed an emergency tampon. Can you just… Can you… Can we talk about what you… You gave me an option of many tampons. Yes. I said, oh, just a regular, and you were like, oh, what kind of regular? And I was like, there's only one type of regular, but then you said there were big hole regulars,

which I'm pretty sure doesn't exist. I don't think Tampax has big hole regulars. Okay, here's what I mean by that, is a regular Tampax, I think, is a skinny. No, it's called a regular. I know it's called a regular, but I am only using a regular tampon on like a drip, drip, drip, drip day. Okay. I need, right now the biggest Tampax size is Super Plus.

You use Super Plus? Oh, fuck yeah. Marin is a Super Plus notch? Marin, listen, yesterday Marin went through a Super Plus in an hour. Oh, okay. That's intense. That's an intense flow. Marin, this summer, has gone through, not this whole summer, but like last month, and

my, Marin's only three days long. Marin went through a box of super pluses in 48 hours. Have you gone to a doctor? Listen, what's happening is called perimenopause. Yes, right. Which, I mean, I'm spoiling my whole column in Flair, but which apparently is the appetizer to menopause. Because why menopause needs a fucking appetizer is beyond me.

It is the most hideous, vile, cruel thing to do to a woman. But my understanding, the medical term, is that it is called perimenopause and it can be volatile and unpredictable. And that's why I've given Maren a name because she has taken on a personality. You know, it's not just… What is Maren to you? Strength? That sounds like a very strong…

Marin actually means, let me just play Duanna here. Marin actually means of the sea. She flows. She flows. Okay. Sometimes she's a gentle wave. Lately, she's a fucking cunt of a tsunami. Oh, you know what's going to happen now?

There's going to be a whole bunch of Diva Cup people who write us and want you to get on the Diva Cup. I guarantee there will be emails. Fine. My point is that we're on the same flow. She needs a super plus Diva Cup. If you're out there, do they make XXL diva cups? Anyways.

Anyway, I wouldn't even mind the flow. It's just that Maren causes dizziness and I fainted on the sidewalk the other day, which was awesome. Yeah, that's not good. Maren's a bitch. Okay. Are we ready? Yes.

Great. So our first question is, Sasha, we are open and good. Sasha, have you ever had a dick so good it made you forget your own name? Okay, I love this question. Have you ever had a dick so good you bought him an outfit, paid his phone bill, let him borrow your car, let him sleep over and keep a bunch of his stuff at your place like you're a damn storage unit? It's one thing if he was just great dick, but he cleans my house, hangs shelves, does

laundry and cooks like Gordon fucking Ramsey possessed his hands. He's a handy dick. He tells me I'm amazing and calls me out on my bullshit. All of my friends say wife him. So what's the problem? He is as broke as he is beautiful. He has a bunch of part-time jobs off the books, construction, bar back, etc. But says he wants to go back to school. He's 27. He's about to get evicted from his two-bedroom apartment that he shares with his deadbeat dad and deadbeat sister, her niece, and her clown car of drug-dealing boyfriends. I am not… This person is like a literary queen to me. I know. Okay. I am not letting him move in. No way. I can't date another loser no matter how good that dick is. I'm 32. I have a career, make loads of money, but not enough

to support a grown man. Am I being stupid? Please, I need another perspective. Dickmatized. You sure are. Okay, so to recap, he fucks real good. Got a good dick. He puts up some shelves. Yes. Makes some fucking food. Yeah, he feeds her. He washes her clothes. Yeah, I'm trying to find a problem here. Like, granted, yes, he doesn't have a really stable full-time job but he's 27 but like that dick be doing more than just some talking like it's doing some good shit around the house um it's taking care of her in other ways i'm sort of just i i i'm kind of down for this dick i'm down for this dick like i see nothing wrong with

this dick i mean he cooks he cleans has he built anything for her shelves oh right built shelves but he has no money so he can't contribute financially but he can't he could contribute around the house so so he even though you can't monetize his contribution his contribution is making a difference it's making her life easier um it is she's it's it's feeding her yeah in more ways than one my only thing is i'm down with you too i'm down with the dick too My only concern is, and I'm a naturally suspicious person, so is he doing all this now to get in the apartment and then once he's in, he's just a lazy dick? Or maybe is he like a good natured dick who just wants to like, you know, please his woman

and know that maybe he doesn't make up with it through money, but will do it other ways. Like that's actually to me quite a stand up dick. And we can't actually decide on what kind of dick he is, lazy or stand up, because that's a feeling, like that's a gut that you have to go, a gut feeling. Right. A dick, a gut cock feeling that you have to go on. Like, Digmatized, here's the thing, Sasha and I have laid it out for you that this dick sounds really accommodating and awesome right now. But if you have in your gut a suspicion

that this dick could turn once he gets in there… We're sorry. We're sorry. I'm sorry. There's just so much to do with dick. We can't tell you… we can't tell you what gut instinct is, right? I mean, you have to go with your gut instinct. She sounds like she's been burned before by guys, right? Deadbeats and all that. So I feel like you're carrying all that into, Digmatized, you're carrying all those old dicks into your situation with current dick. So if you were to remove all that baggage and all those bad memories, what is your gut telling you? Is he the kind of dick who will keep standing up and giving it to you good and doing the laundry and being helpful? Or do you feel in your gut that as

soon as he gets in there, that's it, all the good behavior ends? But then you can't really tell until he does, right? So that's why I'm sort of like, why not just give him a chance? And I mean, what's the harm in just seeing how he acts? It's hard to get a dick out the door. That's the problem. That's true. That's true. But it can be done. Do you know what I mean? I just think that like all… I understand And yeah, maybe she has been burned and that's why her back is up and she's a little bit skeptical of what the future will hold with this guy.

Yeah. But I do think like right now she hasn't really, like there's nothing really all that shady going on other than like, yeah, he doesn't have a full-time fucking job. But he's making ends meet. And is the question here, should she move in with him? No. It's just like, should she date him? That's all she's really asking, right?

Well, he's about to get evicted because his father's a deadbeat. So he's nowhere to live. But he hasn't asked. It doesn't sound like he's asked, but about to get evicted from his two-bedroom apartment that he shares with his deadbeat dad and deadbeat sister, her niece, and her clown car of drug dealing boyfriends. Right. I don't know.

I'm just sort of… My gut, if that's what she's asking for, which I think she is, is just to give this a bit of a go. Well, she says here, I'm not letting him move in no way. So there you go. If he's not stigmatized, then don't let him move in. Yeah. Take it slow.

Just keep fucking him. And let him fucking make you some food. Great. Call it a day. Yeah. Keep accepting the fact that he's folding your clothes and making shelves for you. And take that dick out for dinner once in a while. And, you know, if you have to pay for the movies for you and dick, great.

Like, a movie's not going to bankrupt you. I don't… Yeah. There's no problem here, stigmatized. Nope. If you've decided that he's not going to move in, then I don't see a problem with carrying on with good dick like the way she's been carrying on. Full dick ahead.

We're good. Full dick ahead. I like that. Okay, next question. Okay. Dear Sasha, I'm about to be a sophomore in high school. What's sophomore in Canada years? Probably like 15?

Oh, you mean more grade? Okay, so it goes freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. year. So freshman, I think, is ninth grade. So grade 10. Okay. So that's what, 15, 15, 16. Okay. I'm about to be a sophomore in high school and the boy I thought I was falling in love with forced himself on me. Jack, that's not his actual name, and I go to the same school. He's pretty popular, but not a jock. He hangs out with pretty much everybody, the cool kids, as well as the geeks and everyone in between. He's handsome, chill, smart, and funny. And I never thought a guy like him would be interested in a girl like me. Not because I have self-esteem issues but

because we're just way too different and I'm nothing like the hot cheerleader type he's known to go for. We started hanging out near the end of last year but I have very strict parents. Both raised Mormons. They no longer are but they have very strict rules. My older sister got pregnant at 19 and they kicked her out and haven't talked to her nor met my nephew since. We're not allowed to date until we're 21 and even then they have to approve of the guy first. Basically, so long as we're under their roof or financially depending on them, we can't date unless they're okay with the guy. So when Jack and I got close, I didn't tell anyone at home. I have two younger siblings we're close, but I felt weird telling them about him. Jack asked me out at the end of the school

year and I told him I liked him too, but couldn't date him and explained why. We still kept hanging out together and were growing very affectionate with each other. My friends knew about us and would cover for me anytime I'd go out with him. He was pretty much the perfect boyfriend without actually being my boyfriend. It got to the point where I started sneaking out at night and we would just sit in his brother's car and talk for hours. So two and a half weeks ago, I snuck out at night. He came in his brother's car and had a pack of beers with him. I never had a beer before but was curious so I had a few. I didn't like the taste but I still drank them and then we kissed and started making out. I wasn't drunk and I was actually enjoying it until he started feeling me

up under my clothes and that's when I started to panic. He asked me if I wanted to do it but I didn't answer because I thought I wanted to but at the same time I was also scared. Next thing I knew he was on top of me. That's when I asked him to stop and said I needed to go back home because my parents might notice I'm not there. He wasn't stopping so I slapped him multiple times and was struggling to push him off. He slapped me back and then raped me. When he dropped me home he said when he dropped me home he said I know we both wanted to and that he loved me and wanted us to be together. I said I'd think about it and left. I've been avoiding him since we've texted but I've been making up excuses not to hang out.

I haven't told anyone. It's not even an option to tell my parents, and I'm ashamed to tell my friends, because I usually act very strong and self-assured. I've been staying home a lot lately, and when asked, I tell my parents I'm just tired, but they're getting suspicious, and I just want

to stop feeling like this and go back to normal. Lost teenager. I think you need to leave one second. One second. Okay, so we have lost teenager, we're, thank you for your letter and we're here and we've heard you and we're still listening and we want to tell you that you are not alone and this is not your fault. I think that's the first thing that we really want you to know is that none of this is your

fault. And I think, I really want to say how brave I think you are to have sat in front of your computer the other night and let Lainey and I into this super personal moment and as horrifying as it is we really appreciate the fact that you would trust us with this and we really hope we can help you and I do also want to say how brave it is too that you've called this experience what it is which is rape and I think that is really single-handedly one of the most important things here is that you have clearly identified this for what it is and I think also that the fact that he took away your, your strength, your power, your voice in that moment, that, that doesn't mean

that from this point on, from this moment on, that he is able to take away those things from you ever again. And, um, you know, I'm really sad to hear that, you know, you're struggling with this. And I think whether or not, or whatever you do with this, uh, if you want to, you know, go to the police with this or not, the thing that, um, I know that Lainey and I are both vibing on right now is that you have to seek help and find support right now. You're right. And I'm not sure what the situation with your friends are, but if these are friends of yours who you love and who you trust, if you're comfortable with sharing it, friends are there to ride or die with you. That said, if that is not how you would characterize your friends, I get that too.

Right now in your life, you're figuring out who your friends are. You know, many of us don't have friends that we had when we were your age, so totally understandable. But Sasha's right. If your family isn't someone… or if your family isn't where you can connect and if your friend group isn't where you can connect, there are resources. we will post those resources for you connected to this podcast. They are resources that are set up specifically for people who are in your situation. But send us a follow-up and tell us about your friends. In many experiences for other women, sadly, who've been through

the same thing as you lost, their friends are the ones who have been their support and have been the ones who have advocated for them. So just think about that. Not sure how that is for you. Let us know and follow up and then we can, you know, give you a little bit more on that. Because you didn't mention too much about your friends. You just said that you're ashamed. Your friends are people who would never judge you. So even though you might be carrying that shame, number one, you did nothing wrong, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. And your friends being your friends, if they are true friends, they wouldn't give you a reason to feel ashamed either. And it doesn't have to be a group of friends. Just find one person, just one person that you trust

with this. Because I think that the most important thing here is to not feel isolated, to not feel that this is your problem because it isn't and and I think it would be you know I wish that you could work through this on your own but the fact of the matter is you can't and you you need to talk this out you need to work through the emotions you need to understand why you're feeling the way you are and you need um the resources to make yourself feel better to get back to that powerful woman that I know that you are and um you know again finding um a rape counselor in your neighborhood if you can't find that of course email us and we'll search that out for you but you know these are the people like this is what they do for their living they help

victims that have been in your situation and so that's really important for you to do that is that's step number one that's really step number one and I really hope that you're able to do that and we will help you of course and then Sasha has a great recommendation for you to read a link that we will post to this podcast. And this was the victim impact statement from the Brock Turner rape case. So Brock Turner was a swimmer at Stanford who raped a young woman he met at a party who was unconscious. And the case went to trial. He was found guilty. And before his sentencing, his victim read this statement out in court. And Sasha has a part of that for you. This is just the last part. Yeah, we definitely encourage you to read the whole thing because I

think that it'll really help you. So she says, she wraps up her long statement by saying, and finally to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought every day for you. So never stop fighting. I believe you. And then she goes on to say, I hope that by speaking today you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can't be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important unquestionably. You are untouchable. You are beautiful. You are to be valued, respected undeniably every minute of every day. You are powerful and nobody can take that away from you.

To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you. So, Lost Teenager, we want you to know, first of all, please read that if you have a chance. And we want you to know that we believe you and that we are with you and we hope that you can find the resources who will be able to say to you in person that they're with you too. They're out there. We promise they're out there. You are not alone.

All right, let's make a hard turn into our final question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I'm hoping you can shine a light on a situation for me. Here's the backstory. I met my husband about eight years ago while on a trip that a mutual friend organized. We dated for about eight months before breaking up. A few months after our breakup, we all decided to do the trip again. We had remained friends and I thought it would be okay, but I was wrong.

The ratio of men to women on the boat for this trip was two men to ten women. My husband, who we'll call A, a friend, and I drove up together but were the last to arrive. When we got there, the party had already started. The core group of women on the trip, who were in their early 40s at the time, I was 28, started hitting on A and were all over him. I tried not to let it bother me since we weren't together, but it still stung. There was also a new girl there who had sparked his interest, so he was spending a lot of time with her over the weekend.

He never did anything physical with her, but it was more of an emotional and intellectual connection I was witnessing. Eventually, it was too much for me and I couldn't eat anything or be around anyone else and I was highly emotional. My reactions that weekend painted a really bad picture of me and those who I haven't seen since that trip probably still think I was a head case. A and I had a huge blow up at the end of the weekend and didn't speak for a good six months after that.

I came to find out later that the women in their 40s baited me and before we got there agreed to be all over A to see what I would do. That hurt a lot because these were people I thought were my friends and I knew that the way I acted was out of character for me and felt disgusting about it. A year after this unfortunate trip, we reconnected and fell in love. We were together for a few years before we got married and have an amazing child together now. So here's my question. Last week, my husband received an email from that same mutual friend about doing this trip again.

It said something to the effect of, I know it's a year away, but is there any way you can get a pass from the wife to come with us next summer? Maybe I'm just being sensitive since that whole memory is a big trigger for me, but I feel like this was totally inappropriate of her to ask. especially since there was no mention of bringing me along. I'm going to add that we haven't been in contact with this friend for a few years, so it seems totally out of the blue. Also, my husband doesn't seem too interested in going

and actually laughed it off when he told me about it. These weekends were always filled with drinking and sex, which to me is no place for a married man, even though I trust him 100%. Should I be okay with this? Would you be okay with this? I just feel really irritated that she asked him again. Give it to me straight, ladies. Much appreciated. Irritated wife.

Okay. Well, I think irritated wife, we can all admit, was like a major buzzkill the last trip. Yeah. Right? I mean, she wasn't with A at that time, but obviously got her panties in a twist and like, you know, created some drums. Yeah. I don't know.

I've been sort of like, is this even a problem? Like her husband doesn't even really want to go. So I feel like just a bit of her insecurity is popping up here and she should just fucking suck it up and deal with it. Sorry, I don't have much empathy right now. Well, I mean, I get it though when you feel that a group of people have targeted you and set you up to look like a crazy person. Those people were dicks. Those people were dicks and now hearing back from those people or one of those people and then being referred to as, hey, get a pass from the wife, I get it.

The vengeful side of me and I am, that is always the first side of me to react, understands why irritated wife would feel a way about this. Of course. The husband doesn't seem to want to go and laugh it off. So I don't know. I mean, you're right. Do we need to worry about this? what is this really about? Yeah. I think that that's the core of this. I don't know. It's sort

of what we've talked about before. It's like, oh, I don't know. Like if there's shitty people in your life, cut them out and move on. And the great thing here is these people are like in her periphery, not even, right? Like they're in the background. So I just wouldn't, I just wouldn't refuel old feelings. I wouldn't refuel old insecurities. And I wouldn't refuel any separation that you're going to create between your husband now. Like, everything's good. Like, everything's copacetic. You've got a fucking kid.

You've got the guy. And he doesn't even want to fucking go. So I feel like just don't make it an issue. Yeah, I wouldn't go out of my way and make it an issue either. And that's coming from Petty Bitch. She just said she wouldn't make it an issue. But only because she said that he laughed it off. Yeah.

But I want to give her outs for, you know, he might have laughed it off initially, but this is a year away. He might just be laughing it off because it's a year away. So in six months, if he's like, oh, hey, remember when whatever, like, emailed and said going on that boat trip, I just want to, you know… You say, no, you don't get to go. I want to look ahead for her. I want to look…

Because if I… If there's another thing that I am is I am petty and vengeful, but I'm also pre-petty and pre-vengeful. Like, I look ahead. This gets even more interesting. Jacek's nodding. I look ahead and project about things that I might be mad about, even though people haven't even done it yet.

Like, there are things that I'm mad at Jacek about that he hasn't even… he might be two months away from doing it and I'm already pre-mad and I've already told him about it. How do you live this life? It's really satisfying. I know it is. Okay. So, what…

Okay. So… So, I'm just projecting ahead, right? Because, you know, she's asking about it. So if there's any chance that he starts shaking around and changing his mind, to me, yes, she acted, irritated wife, yes. As Sasha called it, you were a bit of a buzzkill last time. Maybe more than a bit of a buzzkill.

And your behavior, as you called it yourself, was pretty embarrassing. So on the other part of that, you were set up. So now that you're his wife, to me, it completely changes it. I think that this is about respect. These people have disrespected her in the past and they're kind of disrespecting her again by inviting him and not inviting her and then saying, hey, can you get a pass from that fucking crazy cunt that you married? Which to me is, so this is not about insecurity.

To me, the issue is about respect. If you value this guy and want him to show up on your boat trip, then you should give him the courtesy of respecting the life partner that he's chosen, who is the mother of his child. So for me, if I'm irritated wife and this comes up, I'm going to say, listen, this is how I feel. I know that I was a buzzkill last time. That said, I'm different now and my identity now is your wife and they have disrespected me. Out of respect for me, I would prefer that you didn't go. You have to articulate what you want. Irritated wife clearly does not want him to go.

You have to be able to say the things that you want. Okay. I'm actually… You know what? It's so interesting. When you get angry, you can take me on an angry journey. Like, I actually didn't care at first. And then now when you were talking about respect and fucking, like, people disrespect…

I got, like… I got actually really angry. Yes, Sash. I don't want to become you. But that was actually, like, inspiring. So yes, I do, I totally agree with you. I mean, and take it one step further, right? If you want your partner to have your back, which is what we all want, is to write back

to that email and be like, peace, motherfucker. No, I'm not coming because A, you didn't invite my wife and B, you treated her all like shit the last time. Like, that would be nice for me. I would like my man to step up for me as well on that front as well. They set a trap for her. Like, it was one thing for her to get there and be mopey and then they were like, oh my God, this mopey girl, like, whatever.

But they pre-planned a fucking trap for her to walk into. So there are some issues here that I, yeah. So, but the bottom line is, yes, you have to set your boundaries and you have to articulate the things that you want. And, you know, if you don't share that, then there's always going to be a question mark. At least if you share what you want, then you can see what the next step is going to be. Right.

Okay. So only if he changes his mind. Right. I mean, remember, this is planning ahead. Yes. This is just fuel. Just a heads up. Just a heads up.

If you want to get angry, we have that solution for you. That's right. You know, and it's always good to pre-plan your anger. You always, listen, being organized and prepared is never a bad thing, even when it's about being mad. I can't co-sign that. I'll co-sign that last bit of advice, but not your fucking ragey, rage-filled heart. No.

Okay. I think we're good, right? Thanks for writing in. Keep us all posted and keep your questions coming to Sasha at LadyGossip.com. And check us out on Google Play and on iTunes. Thank you so much for your support. See you next time. Bye.

Thank you. We'll be right back.