What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Good Control, Bad Control

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

Welcome back to the last episode of Sasha answers for 2016! Wow! Thank you so much for supporting us this year! I can't tell you how much we appreciate you tuning in and writing in!I'm on a plane writing this intro so I gotta keep it brief - but today's show is all about relationships and not the good kind.Lainey and I'll be back first week of January so in the meantime keep firing off your questions to me at at [e-mail], and hit us up on iTunes and Google Play. And as always visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment updates.S.xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale.

Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting ACAST.com slash advertise. Hi, this is Lainey and welcome to the Lainey Gossett Podcast for Sasha Answers. And this is the last one of 2016. The last one of the year. Yeah.

In the first year of the podcast. Yes. Because we started it January 2016. did we really oh yeah the 40th episode yes we've done 40 episodes we've done 40 weeks of podcasting oh which i think is that's off to us that's a lot yeah it is a lot there's a lot of problems out there that we have solved yes and not solved and a lot of times that we were fucking or i was a fucking cunt yeah i think actually you know what's great 2016 you in this podcast series you became a little, like you became uncunty, I find. Really? I was surprised that like you're actually

kind of a softie, something that people don't know about you and also that you don't like to put out there. But you actually do like, when I look at you, you have empathy. I have selective compassion. There are some people who don't deserve it and there are some people who deserve a lot of it. But either one of those spectrums, you are full in, right? Totally. I'm either in out. Yeah. Which is great. Not a maybe person. No. Congratulations to you. Jacek thinks what you're saying is fucking hilarious. However, the fact that his wife has compassion and empathy, like, you know, that's not the vibe you like to put out. But in actuality, I look at your face every time you read something and when something sad happens or mildly sad,

like you, it touches you. Correct. Yeah. Which is great. Again, I just don't think lots of people know that. On that note, that's what I know in 2016 about you. On that note, let's talk about what we hate about the holidays yes just to keep it on a positive tip well what i wanted to ask you because i feel like a big old cunty grinch when i get um those beautiful family cards that people send me with their kids all like the same outfit with like candy canes or like just like a nice family portrait and it's like happy christmas from the johnsons so nice but i throw it away. Because I think I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them. I'm not going to put them on my fucking fridge. I'm not going to frame them. So I leave them on the

counter. Frame them. Whatever. I don't know what else they want me to do with that sort of stuff. So I leave it on my counter for like a solid 24 hours. Yeah. And then I throw them in the garbage. Am I a horrible person? Do you do that? Because how long are you supposed to – the whole holiday season?

That's Elvis. That's Elvis trying to get attention. Elvis, leave it. I think we should leave this in the podcast, P.S. As our final episode, we are going to not edit out all the times that we are disturbed by my asshole of a dog. Elvis! Who's trying to get ornaments off me. Who right now is sniffing around our tree trying to take down ornaments because nobody's paying attention to him.

Okay. Well, I feel like that he's agreeing with me. He's tugging on those ornaments being like, yes, Sasha, throw that shit out. Well, I think that… You get them, right? I get them. And I think that it was something that people used to do way more in the past, right? And it was a custom and an expectation or out of politeness.

It's a nice thing. Just a nice thing to do, right? And I wonder, here's my theory. Was it done in a time when everybody had a fireplace and a mantle? Totally. Yeah, maybe. Right? Either way.

Okay. Because that's where you would put them. Yes. And you'd have this mantle on top of the fireplace and you'd go to people's homes and that's where they would put all these cards. Like I distinctly have like a vision in my mind, an image in my mind of going to all these homes and seeing all your friends' families' cards and all the Christmas cards they'd received that season up on that mantle.

Okay. And now not everybody has… Well, you have a mantle. So do you put that… Like you have no excuse. I'm looking at your mantle right now. I don't see any of your friends' kids out there. No, I don't think that we haven't gotten that many.

We've gotten maybe a handful. I don't see one of them up there. And a couple of them are up on the fridge. Oh, you do do that. No, you have one. And then there's one behind you. And then I do get a lot at work and I put them on a cork board at work. Okay, so you're nice.

However, I do think that… It depends, right? Some of them come from companies. Do you get a lot from the companies? Yes. And so when it comes from the companies, I'm like, thanks. I'm glad they thought about me. And then I might see you later.

I'm talking about your family and friends. What do you do? Okay. Let's say Duanna comes up with a card with her and Theo. How long are you keeping that? Until like January 1st. Wow. And where do you put that?

You're putting that on your fridge? I'll put that, that space right behind you where we put Christmas pictures and it's essentially above the alcohol. Yeah. That is a lot of card placing. So you're going to put that there until… Yeah. You know which ones get me the most, though, are his parents are big on sending…

Jacek's parents are big on sending birthday cards. I mean, they always have to get a card and they always… And I feel like those need to be on display. They're not going to fly here from Vancouver. But just in case. Right. But that's a big-ass guilt trip on my mind where I know his mother would be like, you threw it out right after reading it.

Oh, and I think that he feels that cross-country guilt too and he would never let me throw it out. Right. Well, yeah. I will say that I like them in email form, but I just don't love them. I feel like also save a tree in this day and age. Save a tree. Here's what I will say is that I think that the responsibility for doing that in a household

is very rarely, and here's where Yassi's going to roll his eyes, is very rarely the man. Women think of these things most. And sometimes, we talked this week actually on our show on The Social about emotional labor. So emotional labor is the kind of work, household work that, I mean, isn't just washing the dishes or the laundry, but the etiquette labor, the sending of the thank you cards, the putting together of the Christmas cards, the remembering to buy the gifts for the teachers if you have kids, the remembering to buy all the gifts for, I don't know, like the cleaning service or that is

emotional labor. You don't get paid for it. And it is a lot of extra, extra on your day to day, right? on top of typically, because this is women, typically women have already all the things to think about. If you're looking at a standard family, two kids or whatnot, she's already dealing with her kids and then the babysitting and whether or not they're sleeping and feeding them and whatever, and then the emotional labor on top of that. And when we were talking about this, I kind of got really angry, shocking, because I have decided that that burden of emotional labor

which is so closely tied to etiquette, properly thanking people, sending Christmas cards, making sure the teachers know that you appreciate how hard you're working or they're working for your kids, that falls on women. And it's not fair. Yeah. I don't know when we decided to pick up the slack watch. I do know when we did, but I'm always very surprised that it still continues. Yes. And I don't know, like sometimes I just wonder, and I do think actually it is intrinsic in women to be more of a caretaker than a man. It just is, I think, in our DNA. We also… And we tell ourselves that too. We do. And we judge by telling ourselves that we judge. So it's not… I'll give you an example.

So let's say you and Corey are invited over to another couple's for dinner. Or you're just invited to another couple. You're invited to your girlfriend's for dinner. You don't show up empty handed because it is rude to show up to somebody's empty handed so you buy the bottle of wine

or whatever and you bring it over I bet you that if Corey was dropping by his buddies it's only beer for himself

correct it's always BYOD and or nothing or he doesn't bring anything and they don't judge what I'm trying to say is the friend

if Corey shows up empty handed doesn't judge like doesn't wait for Corey to leave and say to his partner can you believe that Corey

didn't bring anything over as a hostess gift for me. Oh my God. That kind of judgment comes from the women, us. And I wish that we could get past that because I'm going to think about you, my friend Sasha. And I'm going to say, if I invite you Sasha over as a hostess, my job is to only want you to have the best time. Right. Is to feed you, get you drunk, make you laugh and make sure you have a nice relaxing evening. That does not include hoping that you make a detour on your way over to buy me a bottle of wine. I think that that expectation is wrong. So I think that at a certain point, we as women have to work on not placing those judgments on ourselves, especially around

the holidays. I also find that those people who do those thank you cards, who are always like writing handwritten letters for whatever reason, fucking hate it. Fucking hate it. It's I mean, like pass down generation to generation and, you know, through their mothers, through their grandmothers, and it's something that they feel like they need to do. And for the most part, a lot of my girlfriends, I've even talked to them, are like, fuck, I don't want to be that person, but I have to send those thank you letters. And it's just so interesting. Because otherwise I'll get judged by women.

Right. Or by their moms. Well, women. Women. Yes. Right. I think that there are, yeah, there are some of these things where I'm becoming, I'm I'm objecting more and more to.

Only because I get it. It's polite and it's classy, but I don't think that it is fairly distributed among like genders. Yeah. I agree. And I think that if men felt this more, sure, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Then I would know that like the Corys and the Yassics of the world stress themselves over bringing a host's gift or a hostess gift.

But I know that they don't. So that makes it unfair, and since it is unfair, then I am lobbying to reject etiquette and emotional labor. Oh, dude, I don't fucking do any of that shit, so yay. Anyway, especially during this time of year. I mean, like, I have talked to so many women who are, like, their list is so long, and they're, it's supposedly the happiest time of the year. It's supposedly when you're supposed to relax and be with your friends, and more and

more the expectation for you to do things to look good is longer and longer. Yeah, and they're aggro. They're fucking aggro. Yeah. Anyways. Anyway, so there's our – that's totally of the Christmas spirit, I hope, so great. Ho, ho, ho. Shall we get to our questions?

Yes. Okay. First one. Dear Sasha, I'm not really writing for advice, but I'm interested in hearing your and Lainey's thoughts. I'm recently divorced from a man, let's call him Chad, I've been with since I was 22. I've got a couple of kids with Chad, and I'm ridiculously overeducated.

My parents divorced when I was a kid and it was ugly. I was determined not to repeat that in my own life I thought that failed marriages were a sign of a weak mind a lack of stamina or something Anyway, several years ago. I started to notice how sad I was There were a lot of reasons i'd made serious sacrifices in support of my husband's career And I was starting to wonder when it would be my turn And I found it increasingly difficult to engage him in the normal couple stuff that I thought we used to enjoy Life was really lonely, and long story short, we split up. Fast forward a few years, and I'm with someone new.

Hmm, can we call him Martin? So the first guy's Chad, the other guy's Martin. Martin is just lovely, fun, ridiculous. He delights me in so many ways, and I'm really excited for our future. One day, about a year ago, I told Martin how great it was to have sex with someone who actually cared that I was awake for the process. It was a throwaway comment. I wasn't really thinking.

But he looked at me like, what the fuck do you mean? I explained how Chad would go through these periods where he would only fuck me in the middle of the night. I'd wake up to find him pounding away. I'm a deep sleeper and I try to roll away, but he'd just reposition himself, finish up, then roll over and go to sleep. I tried and tried to get him to stop because it takes me a while to wake up. I do things to slow him down or turn him off. I'd wear tight PJ bottoms or I wouldn't shower. I begged him to please not do it anymore, but all he'd say were things like, well, pardon me for being a selfish lover. Let me be really clear. I love sex. I mean, I really love sex, but I want to be awake for it.

I tried not to think about Chad's nighttime hobby. That's quotes, nighttime hobby during our marriage. I was afraid to push him about it because I worried that it meant he didn't love me, that he was pretending I was somebody else. I didn't realize that this was technically rape. Anyway, I just thought I'd write you because I thought it might be useful for other people to hear About the definition of consent and how it applies within marriage I don't really want to talk about it with friends in case they think i'm a bad feminist for putting up with it Or i'm making an issue out of nothing, but maybe other women have experienced this Maybe other men are ignorant about this as well

Martin thinks all men know that this is entirely wrong and can't understand how it would be a turn-on to fuck an unresponsive woman what do you guys think yours t wow so basically she calls it a nighttime hobby but really it's like it rape is what she she calls she sees it as rape yes by her own husband yeah did you know in the united states at least that it only became illegal across all 50 states for a man to rape his wife okay it's called marital rape marital rape became a crime across all 50 states only by 1993 by 1993 like the process of making marital rape a crime started in the 1970s right and of course it's state by state right so all 50 states got it down by 1993 which is not that long ago So if you think about it, in certain states, let's say in 1990, to make it a clean number,

it was still legal for a man to rape his wife. I just want to talk about how we haven't actually come that far on consent and, you know, men not taking advantage of women. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just… Where's the line? How do you draw the line? And this is always difficult when you're talking about consent in any form.

But like there's always that joke of girls always be like, oh, fuck, you know, you get that fucking major knock on your back door in the morning because your dude has like a boner, right? And it's like just like fucking drilling it into your back like we don't know what the fuck they want, right? And then some people though could find that they could feel like that is assault, right? Because you're like not wanting it but it's still coming at your back knocking at that goddamn door.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's interesting because it gets really murky when you're in a relationship, when you're in a marriage, when you're in a relationship with somebody. Well, exactly. I mean, Jacek likes to – he's – I feel like Jacek, who's sitting at this table, likes to get gropey also in the middle of the night. I feel like he's half asleep too. Okay. And he'll be, like, maybe having a dream.

That's why he was kind of smiling during the reading of this. Well, because he knew I was going to bring this up. Okay. Right? He wasn't smiling at this woman's situation, obviously. But he was smiling because he knew I was going to say this. Right. Because we have talked about this, where he'll be, and if you hear that, it's my crazy-ass

dog, Elvis, scratching at his dog bed. So anyway, he, Jacek, I mean, will be in the middle of sleep, and either he has a dream, like a sexual dream and he'll his hands will find his way onto my tits okay and i'm not sure how conscious he is how conscious are you when this happens well it wakes it wakes me up yeah right and then i'll be like oh go away and then i'll push his face and then he'll go back to sleep right i don't consider it a violation simply because um i don't feel like he has disrespected me in that way he was it's like almost like an ask for him in that way it's almost like a hey may I even though he didn't ask for permission for touching my tits but I mean like you know

you always have a line of consent right yeah and so as soon as he does and I'm not into it because I'm deep asleep at two o'clock in the morning I'll be like get your fucking hands off me I'm going back to sleep and then he'll roll over and go back to sleep because he's half asleep too right so I get what you're saying like where so many women have experienced the oh there's his dick in my back yeah and he's poking it yeah also like that move i don't know how they learned that no how tell me how that is learned across the board like what is that move does that move did why i like i wish we could give yasik the microphone when you make that move that in the morning night do you think that's like that do you think that oh let me stick my dick in your back and she's gonna get

wet like do you think that that's an automatic response oh now he doesn't oh he doesn't have a mic oh now he doesn't want to say anything what is that move what is that fucking move it is a shitty move and it's also uh yeah like no but it's so fucking annoying it's like someone tugging at your fucking jeans or tugging at your shirt to like get your attention it's really annoying but I also think it's really crazy that they all do it. Where did they learn that? Did your dad tell you one day, hey, son, like when you really want to fuck a girl, just fucking follow your dick on her.

Put your morning wood in her back. Like, what is that? That'll get her. That'll get her good. So strange. But anyways, we're done. Yes. I think, though, what's interesting about your circumstance, and that's good that you

define that, that it's so different, is because, yeah, like, and especially you say no, like, fuck off, Yassic, and he listens. What was interesting about, you know, with our writer was she would continuously say no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. She practically by the end, it sounds like she was strapping on a chastity belt before she went to sleep. Yeah.

Well, yeah. She was saying like really tight clothes and like not showering. She really didn't want it at all. And so, yes, I think there are probably a lot of women out there who have felt violated by their own husbands but don't know how to verbalize it or embarrassed that that would be something that would happen in their relationship. So I'm really glad that our writer wrote in and has put this out there because I think, yeah, like, I think you name it what it is.

And if it feels like fucking rape, then it's fucking rape. But you're also not a bad feminist for having experienced it and letting it continue. Like, it's, you know, your feminism is not even in question here. So take that off the table as something that you need to either feel a way about or, see as an obstacle to you sharing this experience. The person who would judge you as a bad feminist for not stopping your husband from making unwanted advances is, sorry to say, but not that feminist herself. Oh, yeah. But then I would also argue that it is really feminist. If you're going to write this to help other women, great. Then you are in definition being, you know, a woman for a

woman. Like, I think that's great. I think that these are the issues that we need to talk about because as you even, you know, if this was only past, you know, whatever, less than two decades ago, then yes, we are still having issues. And the reason why we're having issues with consent is because we never fucking talk about it. So great. I'm glad that we can talk about it. Well, it's that and we also still live in a world where men think that they can make decisions for a woman's body yeah um and that's not only in this case where there are chad is by far probably not the only dude who thinks that when he shares a bed with a woman who happens to be his wife he can do as he pleases um there are men like that and there are men who think that they can legislate

for what is best for a woman's body and the reproductive health decisions that she gets to make about them. So to me, maybe like other people, you're welcome to write in if you want to dispute this, but for me, that's one spectrum. All of those things are one spectrum and it comes down to misogyny and it comes down to us needing to fight harder and crusade louder about having autonomy of our bodies. A hundred percent. I could not agree more. So you wanted our thoughts on that but i would encourage you to continue sharing it with other people and thank your lucky stars that you're not with him and that instead you're with martin martin who sounds like a great guy who yeah who actually knows about when it's okay and when it's not okay to touch a woman t um but and

absolutely when you look back on this please take out bad feminists from the way that you describe bit because… That's not part of the equation. That's not part of the equation. And again, as Sasha said, I think that you opening up might open up a conversation for so many other women who may need to hear it. Okay, next. Hi, Sasha. When my boyfriend and I met a year and a half ago, it was under what we call a lot of false pretenses. Everything seemed perfect and within a month we were both thinking that we found our perfect half. We talked about marriage and how we both want kids and how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Fast forward to one and a half months into the relationship, he found out about the breast

augmentation that I had when I was 16. He was disgusted and wanted to end things. I begged him to stay and promised to have my implants removed. I did as promised and thought things would get better. Three months into our relationship, we moved in together. By the fourth month, he has this epiphany and decides that he now also is disgusted with my tramp stamp and rib tattoo. Keep on going.

Don't be that surprised. So being the pushover that I am, I promise to have them removed. I love him a lot and I talk to him every day, multiple times a day through text that I'm ashamed and disgusted with my mistakes, the implants and tattoos, and things have been smooth. We no longer have our explosive fights and he no longer threatens to leave me. I know I love him a lot and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but it's recently come to light that he doesn't want kids.

I've wanted to have kids, or at least a kid, since as long as I can remember. He doesn't want kids because he practically had to raise his two and a half siblings by the time he was 17, and I can understand that, but isn't that a selfish reason to deprive me of having a child? Or am I being totally selfish? He says he will think about it and it's not a definite no, but it's definitely not going to happen in the next five years. I'll be 34 in five years.

He told me that he wants to love me and only me and promises to be loyal and loving, etc., etc., until I'm old and gray. And if his love for me is not enough to fill the void of wanting a child, then I should leave him. I'm so torn. Do I leave or do I stay? A part of me wants to leave, but it's terrible timing because we just found out last Friday that his mom has a tumor in her liver the size of a golf ball.

What do I do, Sasha? Baby fever. Oh, baby fever. Oh, baby fever. Yeah. Well, I think that this is an extension of our last conversation we were just talking about. Without…

I swear I didn't know that this next letter was following our last letter. I swear. And we were just talking in the response to the last letter about women having autonomy over their bodies and men, certain men, making choices for a woman about her body. And then we got this letter. Yeah. So baby fever, hopefully you listened to the previous response. But hopefully we can dig deeper on this one more specifically because this is so troublesome

and it goes even beyond like a guy trying to dull your shine. Like this is next level, next level in the works of being, if not already, like an emotionally abusive, fucked up relationship, for lack of a better word. Like I'm, there's not even like, like tiny little red flags. These are huge red flags. This person is demeaning your body, trying to take away your autonomy, which is something we talked about earlier, and is making you feel bad about all your decisions. And it makes me sad that you're focusing now on wanting to have a child with him and

also debating whether you're being selfish whilst he's trying to dictate how your life is going to play out. It's just, it's upsetting. it's upsetting baby fever it is upsetting i agree with everything that sasha just said this is totally emotionally abusive but i actually have hope because you know what i think that you wrote to us telling us the backstory for a reason you are starting to fight back you are starting to see the unfairness of your situation you could have just written to us and said, hey, my boyfriend doesn't want to have kids because of X, Y, and Z, and I want to

have kids, and I don't think it's fair. But you gave us the background. You talked about your implants. You talked about your tattoos. You talked about his reaction to them. And then you worked in how he is, frankly, once again, trying to tell you what to do and not to do with your body. So to me, these are the first signs of you reclaiming yourself because you have started to see this as one complete story where you are placed as a second class citizen. And that is the first awakening. Yeah. Yes. And thank you for coming to us with your awakening and asking us to give you more strength to keep on waking up. And that's what we're here for.

Yes, I hope that's what it is. I think though, and yes, you're right to be positive about this because, yeah, I think there are some subconscious things that are bubbling up in her letter that she knows that are not right and that are not sitting well with her. So I really encourage her, I really, really, really encourage her to, yes, focus on those things in the relationship because I think a lot of the time you see anybody in a relationship who has been beaten down, who is being told to be less than, and I love what you said about being a second class citizen in a relationship. Sometimes you hear that so much that you

take on that role and you don't see yourself outside of that role. So it's really important to know that what he's doing is so wrong and so toxic and so negative and so it's going to destroy you if you continue to be in this relationship. So to seek friendship and other relationships and really talk about what's going on, you can't have, you can't, he can't be your only source of empowerment and communication. Like you really need to talk to your friends, you really need to talk to your mom if you're closer, and really tell people what's going on in this relationship so that you can get other advice from other people and other strengths so that you can get out of this relationship. Because at the end of the day, you have to get out of this

relationship. Sorry that his mom has a tumor, but I could give two shits about that at this point. Yeah. And that's the hard line. The soft line is you've made it clear in your message how much you love him. And I think that that… I know. I know it's really hard for you to envision a life without the person that you love. The problem here is that baby fever, the person that you love loves you in a way that is not healthy and doesn't so much love you as controls you. Yeah, like it goes beyond just even conditional love. It's like controlled love. Yes. He is controlling you. The way that he controls you is to make you feel regretful over decisions that you have made in the past. And the fact that you feel like over text

constantly, you have to apologize for those things over and over again, is a form of him controlling you and making you feel that you constantly have to atone for things that frankly, I mean, I don't want to say this, but you've, quote, atoned for already. We can't change the past and the decisions that you've already made. But right now, going forward, baby fever, you love somebody who doesn't deserve the kind of love that you want to give. This is not a complete and equal relationship. So bringing a child into a relationship that already is unbalanced is not an ideal situation. And you also have to think like, you know, how would she feel if and when she has a child with this person, if he would ever do and talk

to and treat their child the way he treats her? Would that be okay? If she can answer that honestly. That's a great point. If she can answer that honestly and come to that answer, which is fuck no, then do not have a kid with this person. Do not have a kid with this person, do not continue this relationship with this person, right? That's a really great point. imagine that you do have a kid. Imagine she's a daughter. It's a girl. And imagine your baby girl because children make mistakes. Imagine your daughter goes and does something that is regrettable, but not that fucking big of a deal. And your husband proceeds or this guy that you're with now proceeds to strip your child away of all confidence, of all dignity

by reprimanding her and shaming her. And devaluing her. And devaluing her over and over again for a mistake of youth and innocence. And if you wouldn't let that happen to her, then don't also let that happen to you, right? Like, we need to keep the bar high. Keep the bar high when you're in a relationship.

In any fucking relationship, keep the bar high. The point is, Baby Fever, you've been in a relationship that has been on someone else's terms. It doesn't sound to us, in your description of this relationship, that anything that's happened has been because you decided or collaboratively decided. He decides. You don't have a voice here.

Yeah. And we feel that's really sad. And I feel like you're feeling like this is really sad because I don't think that you would be sharing this. So your question was, I am so torn. Do I leave or do I stay? You leave. You leave.

You leave. I don't think you're going to want to leave now. And I think leaving is going to be really hard for you. But most of the time, the right things are not easy. The right thing for you to do, baby fever, is to leave. But man, I know you don't want to. So I just want to send you all our best wishes and strength for you to do the right thing. Yeah. And I have a really, really good book that I will recommend and actually email you personally about that. I'll also post it in the intro to this podcast too. Okay. Well, it seems like we have a thread going with our… Hopefully this one.

Hopefully the next one. Okay. Last question. Quick question. When was the last time a display ad changed your mind? Now think about the last time a friend told you about something they loved. Different feeling, right? That's how podcast advertising works. A host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words, in their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. It's part of it. With Acast, you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace. Choose the right shows, the right audiences, the right format. Then watch the data tell you it worked. You're not buying impressions. You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

I'm 32 years old. I've met a guy who's 29 years old at a hobby sporting league a few months back in the spring. He acted interested and found me on Facebook, but didn't continue contact beyond that. Life, canceled games, and the end of the season helped time go by apart from one another. By the fall season, we had a handful of casual conversations, then finally struck up a more involved conversation about food recipes and I suggested he message me with some. We had fun messaging one another, but a couple of weeks went by without a recipe. I asked him why not and he suggested in a flirting way that he cook for me. I told him point blank that I've had a crush for a while and I was only interested in pursuing something romantic that

will become meaningful and exclusive. I also explained that at the rate that we've been texting, I will expect more face-to-face than what's been going on. If he wants to cook for me. He needs to clarify if it's as friends or dating. He was excited to agree that he also wanted to pursue something meaningful. It's been a month and a half of dating. He's followed through with everything. He's supportive, helpful, generous, kind, gets along with my son. We have many mutual friends, see each other regularly, and have a lot of fun. Our friends are very supportive of the match as well. We have not talked about exclusivity yet, but I will, and I am not worried about bringing up the topic.

This chick is like… I don't know why you need us, girl. You're a boss. Anyway, I'm just waiting on figuring out why he doesn't ask about me. He readily shares about himself and listens when I'm sharing, but doesn't ask for details or initiates interest in the topic of me. He's great otherwise, but I've brought it up and he references his lack of relationship experience.

Two girlfriends in 10 years. He had a demanding 70-hour-a-week job for 10 years that required travel. He quit it when we met and consults for the company now so he can set his hours and he claims he's rusty and awkward with relationships. But I can't help but feel this is a yellow flag verging on red. I asked him how he can even like me if he doesn't even know me. His response is that he likes the way things have been unfolding and getting to know me and likes the way he feels with me.

The only question he's literally asked about me is what my favorite flower is so he knows what to buy me. Help. Am I overthinking? Any tips? Okay. I love like this. I love you. Like, yeah, you're, you are, whoo, really great. I love this. She's like, I will tell him what I want. This is so amazing. I, well, one of my biggest pet peeves, I didn't think this was actually, like I was reading this

along with you and I was like, oh, this took a turn because I didn't think that this was going to be her gripe. But that's my biggest pet peeve. I hate when people don't ask about you, like about who you are. And so many of our friends, like even our, well, I won't say her name, but our friend who was going on lots of Tinder dates, that was her biggest complaint. She would go on all these dates and the guy would only talk about themselves and never reciprocate. Sorry, I've just whispered the name to Eleni. And so I don't know. It's like, are people just really, I don't know if like rusty, are you rusty at being social? Like, is that a thing? I didn't know that that was a thing. I think you can be. Okay. I think that when, I mean, she laid out his

situation. He's not that experienced. Two girlfriends in 10 years is, I wouldn't say he's rocking and rolling. Who cares? It's about talking. It's about curiosity. Curiosity isn't a prerequisite. He's a workaholic. So he was quite always traveling, just doing the work thing. I do think that dating can be, you can get rusty at it. Like I know that the thing is just be a human being, but like, listen, being a human being and then being in a dating situation is, it's hard. You're like, you're always, there's never a dating situation where you're not filled with self-doubt. Of course, but it should come naturally when you're spending a lot of time with someone to get to know them right it's like it's like knee jerk like you just want to get to

know the person so you ask questions so that you get to know like isn't that just what what fucking happens having said that though but I will just say that um before I forget the feeling I was getting from this letter writer was that I think she's a little bit a little bit aggressive with what she fucking wants and and I like that but I feel like she is trying to map out what this relationship needs to look like now. Like it feels very, I don't know, just feels a little bit, not aggressive. I don't want to say aggressive. It's just like a little bit pushy. Like I feel like she wants him to show her everything right now. And you know, not everyone is built like that. Not everyone like just oozes out emotions all the time. So I feel like she just needs to

like give it a hot second, let him find his footing in this relationship and then see. Because it hasn't been very long, has it? I forget how long she said, but it doesn't seem like they've been dating forever. I think that you've set it up. I think that you've set it up well in that I love that like boss here has set up the parameters. I love that you've done that. You're like, hey, I have, she has a kid.

So clearly she's like, I don't have fucking time to waste. So I'm down with you. We met at the sports league. If you want to spend time with me, please know that I'm not just like, I'm not here to bang, right? I am looking for commitment. She laid down what she wanted. She set the parameters.

He was like, hey, I'm down. He didn't run away. He was like, yep, that works for me. So great. So she laid down her parameters. I love this. But within, when you start, when you build your parameters, and clearly you've done that, you also have to allow for some spontaneity.

And I think that these are the things, the spontaneous unscripted. scripted. I think what you're trying to say, Sasha, is that you can't script the way a relationship unfolds because otherwise it would be perfect. And what relationship is perfect? So yes, this is his minor flaw that he doesn't initiate questions about you and clearly doesn't ask follow-up questions. But what's encouraging to me is that she said that when she talks about herself, he listens. Like he's like, hey, no, no, no, no. Like enough about you. Can I, let me tell you what the time I went to Hawaii, went golfing with my buddies. Oh my God. Like it was so good. Like I think that's encouraging and then when she clapped back at him like you don't ask me anything

about me which it also again didn't put him off no he was like oh sorry I just am a little bit inexperienced like he's being honest these are all really good signs yeah yeah I feel like she is with somebody who if I'm reading it right well I think we're both reading it right like she seems like she's whipping that boy into order and it seems like he is doing what she wants which is like key to success in this kind of relationship. I'm not sure this is a red flag or a yellow to red flag. No. I think that first of all I'm not sure that any red flags come into your life because you seem like the kind of person to take care of the seeds of any flags before they even grow because that's how much of a fucking boss you are. And congratulations to you. However,

within all the bossing that you have laid down as a form of self-protection and as a way to get what you want, you go, girl. Life does come with its unscripted moments. Otherwise, you should build a robot. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it would be worth it to just soften up just a tad when it comes to this like if this continues to be a problem fine then that's fair let's talk about it later but I really do feel like he is he's expressing to you that yeah he's a little bit rusty and that he is willing to try like I think this guy has a lot of try in him for sure I think that let me share my my marriage communication Jacek is a really simple guy he has very few interests, but those interests are his passions. He loves his golf game. He loves the sports that

he loves. He loves me. He loves our dogs. He's not a big reader of books. He doesn't watch that much TV. And so there was a time, and we've been married 15 years now, so I'm not going to pretend to everybody that over the course of this 15-year marriage, things have been perfect and we haven't hit some lulls. And a few years ago, there was a lull because I am a talker and frankly, I found his conversations fucking boring. He would spend a long time walking me through his golf game. Right. I think I've talked about this before. A golf game is 18 holes. Yeah. He would actually tell me on the first hole, I drove it 300 yards and I put it in the rough. So then I thought to myself. I have to make this. Exactly. You're about to die. You are about to die. So it got to the

point where our friend Q, who's married to my best friend, Fiona, outlawed and banned Jacek from talking about golf within Q's home. He's like, when you come over to my home, you're not allowed to speak. And we all love Jacek. It's part of his charm. Like you're laughing and it's adorable, but he wasn't bringing anything new to the relationship in terms of conversation material. And so we had to have this really hard conversation where I had to feed back to him, hey, we're going to be married a long time and I love you, but I also want to continue finding you interesting. So, you know, it's always kind of me who's coming home and being like, you know what

happened today? And you know what I saw today? And you know what this person said to me today? And it's not like those things don't occur to him because he does read a lot, just not books. He reads The Economist, whatever. it just didn't occur to him to bring in other things bring bring the things that he's seen yeah aside from golf and hockey and soccer into our conversations yeah he needed to be prompted

um now sash you're saying like earlier you were like well isn't that just a human being like he's a very well-adjusted human being it's just that sometimes you kind of get stuck in your own patterns. And I frankly also will say that his parents have always been interested in Jacek no matter what he has to say. Like they've encouraged. They've been like, what happened on the ninth hole? Whereas my mother has been like, if you are not capturing my interest within 30 seconds, stop talking to me. So it's a difference of like, you know, upbringing, family life. And so I quote fed that back to him. And it was hard to have this conversation. And I feel like I was an asshole a little bit too. Like I was basically saying to him, you're boring. Yeah. But what I

was trying to say was, I want this to last. And I need more. I need more. And now like over the last few years, oh my God, he's probably more interesting than I am in terms of like what he talks about. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Well, and so this is not a red flag. It's just, this is your way of saying, hey, you need to ask about me. Yeah. You need to show me that you're interested in who I am as a person, which you've done and keep at it. Yeah. It's not a flag. What's really interesting is it's an opportunity to push the relationship forward, right? Like sometimes, yeah, people need to be told. And I mean, even when I, when I'm listening to you say that, oh, talk about Jacek. I mean, I think about Corey. Corey's like basically a mute

human being right to get him to like he is but you would agree with that right he goes through spurts of talking but he's very like he's like an artiste like he's very insular and there are my biggest thing with him is when he um yeah like I hear about his day like all about everything like every boring fucking detail about his day he never asks how my day is until that fucking started to really piss me off yeah so now I walk in the door and I just wait I wait in silence until he asks me like that's how I like just to trigger some fucking normal behavior is I'm like no you're just gonna how how was my day like ask me about how my day is um and I think yeah like I'm I unfortunately have to train my husband with these sort of things but yeah like would I break

up over it? Obviously not. But it is, again, an opportunity to make our relationship better and to function the way I want it to function. So yeah, I feel your pain. Listen, I think that, you know, what's really interesting is that I said earlier that you like, you can't script a relationship, otherwise build a robot. But in a way, maybe you are building a boyfriend. But the more accurate thing would be you're building a relationship and you're setting down your expectations, which you are very, very good at. So this was just an extension of setting down an expectation of communication style. And that is totally normal.

It's not a flag. Nothing you've said here alarms me. No. It sounds like she's in a really good situation here. Keep doing what you're doing. You're an inspiration to all of us. And on that note, all of you have been inspirations to us because you keep writing in and sharing some very sensitive and personal information.

and we really um we really we feel the privilege like we're so honored by that and you've been doing it all year and thank you so much for that yes thank you and to yeah 2017 oh my gosh to another to putting away this shit fuck asshole of a year everyone felt like that right i don't think it was like a shit smear of a year it was the worst yeah yeah it was very bad so to 2017 to 2017 but we still want all your drama so still send that

to Sasha at LaineyGossett.com during your holidays because I'm sure there will be some freaky shit that happens and check us out

on iTunes and Google Play leave your comments and once again thank you for listening this year and we look forward to coming back

next year have a great holiday happy Christmas happy new year bye bye We'll be right back. quick question when was the last time a display ad changed your mind now think about the last

time a friend told you about something they loved different feeling right that's how podcast advertising works a host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words and their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. It's part of it. With Acast, you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace. Choose the right shows, the right audiences, the right format. Then watch the data tell you it worked. You're not buying impressions. You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.