What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Helping Lost Teenager

Episode Date: August 30, 2016

Welcome Back to the Sasha Answers Podcast!If you listened last week Lainey and I read a letter from Lost Teenager. She is a 14 year old who only a few weeks ago was raped. In the last week, I’ve been emailing with Lost Teenager back and forth and as strong as she is, she still feels victimized, still feels alone and still feels scared. So in our continued support for her, we wanted to dedicate this entire podcast to her with the help of life coach and rape survivor, Nova B Rutherford. Nova is a Personal Development Coach and Speaker and has shared her insights on CTV's The Social, collage campuses, and many other forums helping survivors cope and manage. We hope our discussion helps anyone out there who is going through a similar experience.Before you listen though, I want to thank all of you out there who sent in letters of encouragement, hope and most of all your own personal stories of abuse.Thanks for your continued support and keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail]. Check us out on iTunes and on Google Play to subscribe and leave your and feedback, and visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment updates.S.xx  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Lainey, and welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. And this is a very special episode Sasha and I are doing because it's a follow-up to our last podcast where we heard from Lost Teenager, who had been raped by someone she knew and was very confused and wasn't able to talk to anybody. we have asked our readers to write to Lost Teenager and we just want to thank everybody first for your messages. We've been passing them along. But Sash, I think maybe we should start with an update on Lost Teenager

because we have heard from her since and she's given us a few more pieces of information and we're going to go through that And then we're going to bring in somebody to help us tackle the situation. This is someone I met on The Social. She's a frequent guest on The Social, which is a talk show that I do here in Canada with three other hosts. And we have guests who come on and help guide us through everything from cooking to health to fashion. And Nova Browning Rutherford is a life coach.

Her website is novabrowningrutherford.com. She has experience as a survivor of sexual assault and abuse and experience as a teen mentor. Nova also speaks to students across campuses and has also experience in helping parents help their kids go through difficult times. So Nova is here. So we brought grade A level shit. That's right. To the table today.

Exactly. But before that, Sash, why don't you give us an update on Lost Teenager? Yes. So I have had some back and forth with Lost Teenager, and she still remains Lost Teenager. She's really having a hard time coping with this. She still hasn't talked to her parents. She still hasn't talked to any friends. She's pretty terrified of even going there.

She's not sleeping. She is having nightmares when she does have that bit of sleep. and she's just really having a hard time and I think something that has been the most troublesome is that the boy didn't use a condom. He didn't use a condom and right now she's also paralyzed with fear of doing anything,

whether it's talking to someone or going to Planned Parenthood to get the help that she needs physically. So I think there's just, it's a lot and of course there's a lot and of course there's a lot for her to wade through and yeah, this is why you're here to help her and talk to her and I think I want to use this as like a free first therapy session just so that

she and other people that are in similar situations to her understand that it's not this frightening horrible thing that you can get help and that help will help you and I think the first thing during our correspondence with Lost Teenager was the the thing that she appreciated so much was all the letters that were coming through she felt the support she felt everybody's all these women's love for her. But her biggest challenge was that she felt like a victim. She couldn't get over that. She was like, these letters are great, but I still feel like a victim. And that's the last thing I want to feel like. So I was hoping that you could kind of talk to that and help her through the fact that being a victim doesn't mean you're weak. A hundred percent. And lost teenager, big hello

from Nova. And just know that you've been on the mind of so many people all week. When it comes to being a victim. It's, it's step one of a long process and I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you at all because this is a place that I've been and this is a process. You're in week three and you're totally alone. You haven't talked to anybody and everything you're feeling is exactly how you're supposed to be feeling right now. What, what else would you be having dreams about? What else would be consuming you? This totally makes sense. And the feeling like a victim, that's part of the ownership of your process to getting to survivor. There's no lickety split to this. It's a process. And calling yourself a victim, just as you would if someone broke into your home

or someone hit you in a car accident, you would be a victim for a while before you were a survivor of that accident. You would be a victim because that makes him a violator. And that's what he is. He violated you. He broke into you. And I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this right now. And for everyone listening, I'm so sorry that there's so many of us in this group of survivors, but you're doing everything right. I've read through your letters and your thought process of calling it what it was, was what really struck me for a young woman your age and your early teens for being able to call it rape, to know what it was. You're so far ahead of the game just by calling it and admitting it for what it is and avoiding him and just taking the time to

work through the process yourself. I'm just, I'm really proud of you for that, for not feeling you have to push through it and get on with living or to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. You're grieving right now. This is a line in your life. It'll be a before this and after this. And every day after is the win that's our goal right now is to just get through one day at a time at a time at a time and uh you will transition to survivor but right now we survive so can i just go back to what you said a couple minutes ago nova where you mentioned that victim and violator so of course when she's uncomfortable with the word victim you understand and we we all understand And yet, part of being a victim is to put the responsibility on him, right?

100%. There's nothing weak in it. You didn't ask for this. There's nothing you did that would warrant this. He's a violator, and someone has to be the victim here. That's not you weak. You are a circumstance of this person projecting his insecurities and problems and anger, whatever bullshit he's dealing with, and put on you.

Unfortunately, that makes you the victim now. There is a process to this. but we're still in step one. That was what, when we spoke before, um, this podcast, that was what really resonated with me. And I shared it with Sasha and it was a tweak of understanding of the word victim, uh, because lost teenager feels that the word victim makes her feel weak, as you said, and vulnerable. And she, she sees herself as a strong person. And when you said to me that identifying as a victim is more placing the blame on that dickhead right um and associating it with his acts it at least gave me that perspective of oh yeah because we want to label him 100 and she

has and she is and she'll be able to later but you're a victim because he is a violator yeah so in order to reaffirm that all the time that he's the violator because that's where the point of focus is you have to be the victim right now as we're surviving, because you'll get to the strong part and it all start fading away at will. And we'll, and I'll talk to you about PTSD and cause that's exactly what you're going through post-traumatic stress. Um, you'll, you'll get to all of that after, but right now it's going to be the nightmares. It's going to be flashbacks. It's going to be hard to sleep, but the more as Sasha has encouraged you, the more you talk about it, think of letting air out of a balloon. It's just a little out and a little out and a little less

you carry every day. And I think that's it too, right? I think as women, we feel like we're these strong, we can survive through anything, we can push through, we can push through. And something like this, it's not a snap of the finger. No. You do have to give yourself time to grieve, to be lonely, to be sad, to be lost. So is, I mean, obviously there's no timeline, but what are kind of some of the first things that she should be doing um and maybe we go back to the fact that yeah this guy didn't wear a condom and that you know that is a gateway to many fucking crappy things be stressful period yes anyone any age having sex on the condom like just opens the gateway for a million questions and i will say them the best guidance that i'd ever been given

is that you can only work with the information you've been given so people can only help you one, when you give them some information about what's going on, where you're at, what happened and what didn't. And two, you be honest with what's going on, what happened and what didn't. So if you know, yes, I was drinking. Yes, I wasn't totally truthful about where I was going and who I was with. And yes, I said no. Yes, to the point I was slapping this person. No, he didn't use protection. That's the information you need to give a counselor or if it was your friend's parents or your older sister, because you do have some options to give them so that they know how to help you. It's, it's, uh, I know you're writing a lot right now. It's important to get clear on

what happened and what didn't and work with that information because that's how people will know how to help you. So I can't encourage you enough to go to Planned Parenthood or to whatever health centers in your area, um, to get the information you need to know, okay, I'm not pregnant. I can rule that out. I don't have an STI. I can rule that out and get that off your plate. You have enough to think about rather than adding more hypotheticals to be freaking out of what is this? what if this, what if this, get the information you need so that you're not stuck in this whirlpool of your head. Let some people in to help you out. For me, and of course, this is coming from somebody who hasn't gone through it. So I realized that perhaps my perspective is not, you know, as,

as true. But for me, when I think about that victim to survivor process, to me, taking care of my body, going to Planned Parenthood, seeing somebody about whether or not I do have an infection, whether I am pregnant, is something I can control. And I would like to recommend that to lost teenager because the best way maybe to take back that victimhood is to actually do something for yourself. Is that okay advice to give? 100%. Always start with what you can do because everyone can do, I can tell someone, I have options of who I can talk to. I can be alone right now if I need to. I cannot tell person A, B, and C. And when you start looking at what you can do, you start feeling empowered. Like, okay, I do have choices. I do have options. And that

will give you the gateway to start exploring them but so always start with what you can do a hundred percent and for sure for me it's like when i was talking to her over email was like okay you can take your time with everything else but you have to go take care of the physical you have to you have to can't pretend does not exist so anybody listening who has gone through something similar like you that is like a must i'm forcing you to go see somebody to make sure that everything physically is fine because that's the first step rule it out rule it out it's one less thing to think about just rule that out you have enough on your mind let's not make it harder rule those things out and then we can get back to what the information i've got which is now okay i've got

to heal myself and start moving forward but we can rule out pregnancy and sti i can rule those things out then okay then i can get to the day-to-day caring of myself how do i get back into school do i tell my parents she is very fearful because school starts in a couple of weeks. If not, I don't know. Whatever. Start soon. And that is what she is fearful most. She's like, I want to be homeschooled. I'm going to talk to my parents about being homeschooled. I just don't want to go back. Just the fear of seeing him being around people. So what does she do about that? He's tried to contact her, by the way. And he doesn't feel like anything bad happened. In fact, he's still quite enamored of her. And he has been reaching out to her over text and is acting like

he's her boyfriend. Which is convenient for him. Yes. She texted or emailed him a link to the podcast from last week. We haven't heard back from her how he responded to it. So both Sasha and I are just a little bit worried about what it's going to be like when she gets to school for her and for that community, how she, you know, how she's going to respond to being in the normal again. And also, most importantly, we still are concerned about the fact that she has no one to share this with. So what would you recommend, Nova?

I would say start by telling someone because these triggers aren't going away. going to school, you're going to run into him eventually. You can't avoid this guy. He's going to show up at your door, text you enough, and you'll be triggered every time. So you need some support. You said that it was your older sister. It sounds like she's already gone through a lot in her own experience that it sounds like she's someone that you can trust and talk to. So let's just recap. Lost teenager's sister is 19 years old and lost teenager's sister was kicked out of the house because she got pregnant. So she lives on her own.

Remember, Lost Teenager has parents who are quite strict and who, because of her sister's quote-unquote behavior, had her removed from the house, and now she lives on her own. So for those of you who've written in saying, hey, Lost Teenager, just tell your parents. Your parents will love you through everything. Yeah, that's not that easy. Yes. We do not believe that that is actually an option for her right now. So that is not

going to be something we recommend. But Nova, you're sensing that perhaps her sister may be an outlet. It sounds like she at least has the reference point with the parents, right? And she was their sister you can talk to and has her own place that she can go to in a safe place that she can retreat to. And even being distracted by the joys of a nephew and supporting someone else and being in that loving environment that's huge that that is not to be lost on and then you also mentioned lost teenager your best friend's parents who know your parents and to seem really loving and supportive sometimes this advice can be coming can be helpful coming from another set of parents it's easy to to reprimand your child as the idea of how it should be because

that's a reflection of you as a parent but if it's coming one parent to another parent look she told me this is what's happening. She's trusting me. She's afraid. Sometimes that can help. But I would suggest the first course of action, I would say to speak to your sister. You have to talk to someone. Your sister knows your parents. You have a physical place to go that if things really blew up, at least you could be there and she's family. Yeah, I agree with the sister because I think a lost teenager did say that the reason why she didn't want to talk to her best friend was because she didn't want the parents to then go to her parents. Like she really doesn't want her parents to be part of this equation just yet right they will be eventually eventually but not now and

so yeah i totally agree that the sister would be um the first option and then obviously yeah therapy would that that would i would hope would get her into the next step of of getting back i like the sister too because as nova just mentioned um all the frame of reference knowing the parents but probably being kicked out while pregnant is a big deal too. So a 19 lost teenager sister has wisdom and experience and strength. And knows how to keep that shit on the DL. That's right. Yeah, really.

So this is lost teenager for us when we look at your 19-year-old sister and what she has been through, this might be someone who is a resource for you because she's been through all of that. The fear, the thing she's afraid of being judged, being stigmatized. I'm sure that would be for a young teenage mom as well. I'm sure she had the same fears. So while, and I'll say this to all the listeners, while the experiences may be different, the feelings are the same.

So feeling ostracized, feeling isolated, your sister gets that. Feeling disowned by her own family, even though she's pregnant with child as a teen. That's pretty cold, mom and dad. And I will say to mom and dad's listening or to older siblings listening, it's so important. You may not like everything the young people in your life come to you with, but they have to feel that they can. They've got to feel like they can come to you. You can deal with what happens later, but they've got to feel that no matter what, I can come to you. Otherwise, they're on their own without the coping skills, the frame of reference to deal with it on their own.

And that can look like a lot of things that aren't healthy and they may not know that they have other options that you do. so i would definitely say let them know they can talk to you but lost teenager i feel you have a resource with your sister so can i go back to the school thing because now i'm thinking about because you know fuck teens are horrible horrible demon fucking humans they're horrible yes and i really fear for the fact that that that whole rumor mill like uh everything like that's stressful just even thinking about it i'm not even in the situation do you think it's in her best um uh in her best interest to see someone to talk about that so that if people start calling her out, she already has like, I don't know, like kind of like these timestamps. Receipts. Yeah, basically. She has

these receipts for the fact that she, you know, went to someone because this was real. This wasn't a situation where, do you know what I mean? So no one can twist her words that she was just like this slutty drunk person in a car. You know what I mean? Like taking action that way so that if anyone calls you on it you're like nah i've been you know i reported it here i you know i went to see a therapist at this point and you're like you need your you need your allies i need my those we'd say in toronto my backative i need my like my people who have my back and we're and we're gonna get there right now we're in day one it's planned parenthood making sure all that stuff is fine yeah then we're gonna talk to our sister and perhaps our sister can be an ally okay now i

have someone next i have a situation i cannot avoid and that's going back to school is there a guidance counselor a resource person is there a health someone you and your sister can go and speak to together so that when this guy talks to you and perhaps goes on defense oh it happened like this blah blah blah I'm a hero she's a slut rah rah rah just to save face because what else is he going to say just to save face you know if nothing else you know that there's faculty involved there's it just has to be one person to have your back and I'm really hoping that it doesn't get there but honey brace yourself that it might that it might but if you have someone to talk to and someone knows what's going on over and above your parents you're you're already starting to get your

your team together you'll be so much stronger on the times you can't speak for yourself there's someone with you who can speak on your behalf and why is speaking to somebody so important because that's what i don't think our reader um kind of grasps yet you know she's like i don't i'm not ready to talk to someone. I'm not ready to talk to someone. No, no, no, no, no. So what are the benefits of that? Like how will this free her? It's giving it a name. And that's the challenge that we're seeing so much around when surrounding mental health, any kind of trauma, PTSD, I've got to give the feelings I have a name. So then I know how to deal with it. Otherwise I'm just consumed in the dark alone, long showers. I'm just living with it. If I say I was raped by someone I thought

I could trust. People know what to do with that, how to guide you, how to support you. You're giving them some information they can help you with. If you just keep it all inside, it's rattling around trauma. It's rattling around your past, your fears. It's just bouncing around and it's not helping you at all. You have to deal with it before it deals with you. And it will deal with you if you don't first. You have to, honey. You have to have to tell someone. It's been a few weeks and it's totally normal to, and I think really healthy to sit on this and grieve with it and gather it for yourself. This is a personal, personal experience. And I think it's very mature of you to be honest, but we're at the point now you've got some obstacles that you're going to

need some support, like going back to school, like finding the results of some tests and all the more reason for you to talk about it. Well, I don't, this is, this is probably a good time then, as you mentioned earlier to talk about ptsd because um our young teenager lost teenager is you know all of this has happened at a time of life where teens should not have to know what ptsd is at 14 before she turns 15 and so but here we are um and you talked about day by day healing what what we can do today. And then you talked about that process through somebody suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. So can you just kind of walk us through the basics of that? Sure. And I'm telling you this because I've experienced it myself. So in the first weeks

and months, you can expect to have the nightmares and the flashback and it being hard to sleep, social anxieties like going to school or being out in a group with friends, that will also feel difficult. You'll have new triggers. Maybe it's a smell or seeing that beer or that kind of car. Be aware of these things. I'm not saying it to scare you. I'm saying it so it's not scary when it comes because it's coming. This is a part of it. This is your body's response to it. You will feel an immobilization. It's when you go from that feeling of fight or flight, like I'm either going to run like hell or I'm going to run the other way. Your body, once you get on the other side of that, like, shit, I just escaped with my life here. You're

kind of stuck in the moment catching your breath and this is that feeling after trauma like what the fuck just happened here and that takes a couple weeks even a little longer depending on what's happened to you so you'll have that feeling where you're you're almost obsessing about it you're stuck in it and that again is totally normal but to move past that it's small things every day and when I said to talk it out it's also important to move it out when I went through this myself. My doctor said, if you do nothing else, just get out of bed every single day. And we call them small victories and get a small victory every day. It's getting out. I had a shower. I called a friend. I listened to someone else's problems. You've got to start getting this off

your heart, out of your head. And just even you'll have moments, five minutes where you had some clarity. You weren't thinking about it. That will help you throughout the rest of the day. doing some physical activity, if it's boxing, hiking, rock climbing, some channeling, even that anger and rage that you might be feeling, that'll also help you sleep at night, getting physical and outside of the day. And I think where you live is a place where you can take advantage of the outdoors to anyone who's listening. The water is very refreshing, being by a stream, looking at a lake, that can be very soothing, refreshing. The trees can be very grounding, grounding for you, just taking a walk in the woods alone and just having that solitude. Yes, you're in your head

about it, but just trying to do something in small ways for yourself, creating a new routine, just small victories. It's interesting you mentioned the trees because we actually on our show had a researcher on who talks about happiness and they've actually done studies about visual happiness triggers. And there are studies, so there's science to back this up. It's not just me pulling it out of whatever. They have done studies where when you go out in nature and you're looking at meadows and trees and forests, because the shapes of nature are not super linear, like skyscrapers and box buildings, that has an effect on our brain that somehow sends a message to your brain through your eyes that is more encouraging of happiness. So basically, it's not

just the physiological, oh, my heart rate is up and my endorphins are going. There's an actual visual response to nature cues that our eyes send to our brain that promote those happy feelings. 100%. And that's not to say, oh, hey, you're going to go on a hike and everything will be fixed. It's all better, no. But as you said, Nova, these are small victories. We want Lost Teenager to access as many opportunities for small victories as she can. And this is one of those things that, you know, we're hoping that you might consider, Lost Teenager, just if no other reason to take control of it for yourself.

A hundred percent. And those will really add up, those small wins. Because you have every reason to stay in the room with the lights off and the door closed. And no one's going to shame you for that. and you will have days where that's absolutely necessary. There's no shame in that to any survivors listening. You take your time. You take as long as it fucking takes

because it's going to take a while. But moving it out of your body, connecting with other people, not just talking about what's happened to you, talking about what's happening with them. That's a nice way to shift the focus. What's happening with you, little nephew? What's happening with you, grandparent?

With you, best friend? Shifting the focus off of you, getting out of your own head and taking care of yourself. That means going easy on the drinking, and the drugs, because that can often worsen the feelings that we're having. And when it's time to sleep, which I know is crucial, but so difficult, work on making a bedtime routine. You have a nice shower, you put on some music, there's candles. We're making this like, this is my time. Because

even just having that quiet time, even having control of what's about to happen next is you going off to dreams, that will really help you in the process. One night you'll have nightmares, the next you won't but you'll be starting the practices to looking forward to getting to bed to looking forward to sleeping rather than trying to avoid it so nova for for our young or lost teenager um the immediate we've talked about which is getting the information for her body and then the big hurdle is going to be school i think for her in the correspondence that she sent to us, she keeps talking about normal. Finding that normal. And we have heard from so many women who are reaching out to lost teenager who unfortunately have been through

a similar situation. And some of them have shared with her that it has taken years and years and years, a long time to even get to whatever, what we call the other side or a normal. And this feels to her, lost teenager, she's a teenager. I mean, she doesn't have experience with this. Patience is not anybody's strong suit, let alone in your teen years. And it's, to be honest with you, it feels frustrating for someone like me. You know me, I'm an impatient person, but I am a, like, I like to get things done right away. And I feel like it's just so unfair. It's so, So unfair to me and I feel angry about it for her, on behalf of her, for me, for everybody that someone has to wait and go through years of sadness and depression for a decision that

they didn't get to make. That is so unfair, Nova. But can't we say how great, I know it's not such a horrible, no one would wish this on anybody, but I was watching this Tony Robbins documentary. I saw it too. Right? Okay. And so there were all these horrible stories of people being raped, people wanting to commit suicide. But he was talking about the fact that when you get to go through horrible

situations like that, the person you become out of that is like this spectacular, it's almost like a gift when you get something so challenging in your life. So young. Yeah. So challenging, so young. Yeah. And I know, Lainey, me too. I want to fucking kill this guy. Yeah. And I think it's so unfair that um she's being put in this situation but to kind of put a positive spin on it is like you are going to be one badass motherfucking woman when you come out of this right capital capital m capital f okay okay because that's that's a thing right because she doesn't have to be scarred for the rest of her life no no no and it's and the normal there's no normal anymore just like everybody else from whatever's going on whatever loss

whatever grease you have lose lose a parent lose a pet you're going to be grieving it's not going to be the same as you were before. A new normal, right? Absolutely a new normal. And you don't need to be scarred and depressed forever. How you're feeling now, week three, is not how you're going to be feeling in month three, year three, year 13. Not at all. Not even close because if you're letting it out a little by little, you're healing yourself a little by little. That adds up over time. Little by little, one walks far. And I will tell you that the benefit, and it's so hard to see right now, but at 14 years old, honey, you will be armed with a resilience at 24 that people will wait their lifetimes to achieve. You will have a backbone, a perseverance,

a tenacity, a knowing of yourself, of what you can survive alone, literally alone without the help of your parents. That's saying a lot about you and you're making that choice to do that. you've already done everything right. The resilience you have on the other side of this is mind blowing. And that's what you need to hang on to. When this happened to me and it were coming on like 14 years ago, I decided months after the horrible and the PTSD, once that kind of dissipated, I'd say eight, nine months afterwards, things kind of, the sun was starting to come out again and I just gave myself the time for that to pass knowing that I had to go through it literally through it but there was another side and when that passed I decided I was going to

celebrate that anniversary every year it was September 1st and the first year I took myself out for dinner and my friends that supported me in that time I wrote myself a letter my old self because I said I'm a year away from the worst day of my life and that was my choice my choice So I'm asking you to make a choice to just keep pushing till you get to year one and you can celebrate year five. And I'm telling you, you'll have so much to celebrate on the way because there'll be nothing that can rattle you after this. But we've got to get through the first steps first. First thing first. okay i i i wanted to have you know specifically this podcast with sasha and you nova to help lost teenager but in in sharing the story of lost teenager we heard from so many women as i've just said so many who's so many who've been through it and young men can i and young men you're right and young men who've been through it.

And you mentioned, Nova, that you will be heading out to campuses soon to speak during Frosh Week. And that in your experience, unfortunately, this is not new, rare. So we were hoping that we could broaden this out, that Lost Teenager's story could be helpful for not only Lost Teenager,

but other teenagers hearing this, their parents or other survivors who may be going through a hard time can you just share some of the the experiences that you've heard from in your work with young people a hundred percent and so the the encouraging thing that's happening on campuses across North America now is that they're really seeing that this is a problem because survivors are getting together and speaking out saying this happened to me and this is bullshit and I should not have to carry this with me anymore. This is not my fucking fault. And you need to do something about it, campus, schools, et cetera. And that the conversation around feminism and patriarchy and male's responsibility

and understanding consent, that's all starting to shift just in the last two to three years. We've really seen a shift because this has been going on forever, forever and ever. And the stats back it up is that 22% of all rape on campus happens in the first two weeks. The first two weeks. So what's the rest of the year like for that student and her friends away from home, coping with a huge transition, a huge transition in her life, being an adult, going into university with no reference point, no coping skills, questionable relationships with family, and then having to deal with the worst trauma you can deal with, oftentimes alone. So campus resources are stepping up. The support groups are there and it's becoming okay to talk about it.

That stigma isn't there anymore. Like we're seeing with the, using the term survivor. I'm not a rape victim. I survived. I survived that shit. My choice every single day, every relationship afterwards, every time I took off my clothes and stood in the mirror and took a look. You go through that process of it's starting with yourself and again that strength really ripples out. I see it how young women see themselves, see each other and I've taken it upon myself to create these ladies nights on campuses so women can talk about toxic relationships and how that can manifest. Maybe I don't feel deserving of love again or I feel like I don't have anything to offer or some women go one way to become very promiscuous thinking this is all that I am and now I'm just an object and

I guess that's all I'm good for so they become very promiscuous and then that all the effects from that or they can feel very isolated and never feel that meaningful relationships that they should be having in the prime of their lives being sensual and feminine and having sex and having fun and exploring themselves it's all very important but so heavy and hard to do when you've been raped when you've been assaulted so it's happened to you it is not you it was put on you It's not who you are. Who you are is what you do next. And you've reached out, lost teenager.

You're receiving guidance, lost teenager. You're trying. You know that you don't want to be here anymore. And that's half of it, is just knowing this is not acceptable. And I'm going to start talking to people, even if I don't know them. That's half of it, is just calling it what it is and asking for help. Yes, it's going to suck. Yes, it's going to take a while.

but no it's not forever it's not forever i promise it's not forever what are the things that we can say because right now is all aftermath yeah but the the flip side to aftermath is prevention yeah what can we say then to people who were raising would-be rapists like i mean i I don't know. Like, how do we, we are seeing, you just called out these statistics. 22% did you say? Crazy. Like, how is that, yeah, how is that happening?

And that's reported. That's reported. That's right. That's who said it. That happened in the first two weeks. Two weeks of school. So we have seen case after case. Brock Turner.

You know, the latest guy was David Becker. I named them. They're all up and down all over LaneyGossip.com. In fact, we are coming up, this Friday will be September 2nd, and September 2nd is reportedly the day that Brock Turner will be released from prison. Oh, yes, that's right. He has served only three months, and this was the outcry. So when I talk about prevention, how do we make sure, because we're hearing more and

more of it, and that's maybe because the media is more willing to report it, the women are more willing to come forward the support systems are more willing to support the women but it doesn't address the fact that it happened already we need for it to stop happening isn't that part of it is like talking about it is having these women speak out about it because the more that that becomes vocal then dudes don't think they can just fucking do that anymore right and get away with it they get away with it time and time and time again yeah you have to call let them give it a name you ogling me then pinching me then texting me non-stop and being all in my face at a party it's it's it's not okay it's not just like this is what guys do and like that's bullshit

that's not all right people are tired of it it's been happening long enough and it always leads to something else you know uh i'm i'm i'm raising young girls and your old toddlers will play with each other and touch each other and they're curious and this and that yeah well it's it's of someone on the playground here and someone at school there and the neighborhood boy there and by the time you're eight nine ten everyone's had a little nip everyone's had a little piece and so when I get to university and I'm 17 18 19 and someone press pushes themselves up on me groping me or raping me I've already been desensitized to my personal space being violated since I was a child young women are realizing that this is not okay and really standing up for themselves and

for the young men it's about owning your feelings having an outlet and not putting your like bullshit insecurities anger paranoia privilege on other people to deal with because that's not my fucking problem that's your problem and there are places you can go to talk about it and whoever you're mad at you should deal with but we don't just spread that venom out to other people it's the same thing when someone hurts themselves when someone commits suicide that pain isn't gone it's just out to everyone that knew and loved them it's just spread out that pain that whoever Brock Turner was feeling whatever deep down in his slimy soul that he put into that other woman now it's spread out to everyone who's read that letter and everyone who felt her words but how encouraging

and how strong did you feel after reading that because I know that I did because she described eloquently everything that a survivor feels and I think it's calling young men out and letting them know like you can talk about your feelings and deal with your shit before it gets to this point you don't have to smother it in alcohol or hide it in sports or video games there are outlets for you and the idea of what makes a man is changing it's absolutely changing and it needs to because when they're free I am free and when he doesn't feel he needs to control me then I don't need to be controlled and uh and that's a big part of the conversation that's changing yes it's a woman's conversation but men have to be a part of it otherwise we're just reacting to the outcome

what are your what are your gut feelings now about lost teenager um having read through her letters um having you know given her case yeah lack of a better word some some if you could be if you could be in her small town how would you hope to see this play out talk to your sister write down what you want to say to her. Perhaps it may be hard to look her in the eyes and tell her, you said you were doing a lot of writing loss teenager. Again, perfect, perfect, perfect. You're getting it out. If it's hard to say, write it down. So maybe write her a letter, tell her what's happened, give it to her or read it to her, but get this out. Second, start exploring or have her start exploring the resources available to you and rule out any other scary shit that might be

happening, pregnancy or an STI. And finally, we've got to start putting placeholders for the next step, which is school, which is encountering this young man. And even further, if he tries to bother me, start rumors about me, we have to be proactive about it. And you can really only do that with some support who knows what's going on. Your parents are going to have to find out eventually. I like to always say is try and get the answers to the questions before people ask them. Well, what happened? Where were you? What'd you do? Are you pregnant? Have all the answers. I've saw, I've talked to someone. I'm not pregnant. I've done these things. Have the answers ready before you get nailed with the questions. Otherwise, it can be really overwhelming

to hear yourself saying, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. So again, arm yourself with information. Take your time. And for you, just small things every day. A small victory every day and those will really add up. I love this. This makes me feel so positive for, I mean, I already knew that Lost Teenager, I know she has it all in her. She does. She does. She's a tough one. She's a tough cookie, but she's still a cookie. Yeah. Victim to victor, right? She's going to make this happen. And I know that. And we will continue to support her, all three of us now. I'm here now. And anybody else that has been going through the same thing that Lost Teenager has, I hope that we've helped you here. Well, I mean, but one of the reasons why Nova has been

so illuminating is I didn't even notice the writing, but you picked up on it, Nova. And now that you've mentioned it, now when I go through the writing and the messages that she sent us, Lost Teenager, you are a great writer. You are so expressive. And for you to be able to articulate these feelings into words and sharing them with Sasha. And when we read your messages, it is so clear to us what you are going through. That is definitely a gift. Yes. So keep using that gift. Keep writing. If you've already noticed that it's healed you, it's already cathartic for you,

do what works. Work what works. If it's the writing, yes. If it's the long showers, yes. If it's the exercise before bedtime, yes. Work what's working for you already in these early days and just build upon that as time passes because it'll pass you will you will get to another side of this again you are 14 years old and life is very very long but i'm telling you you will be standing in a place at 25 at 35 giving this guidance i hope to no one else but to someone else who's grieved and who's lost and who felt alone and they will know that do know how they feel. And that's a gift.

Thank you so much for being here today, Nova. Thank you for trusting me. And for being our guest. Obviously, everyone, as you can see now, why Sasha and I wanted Nova to be with us. She's awesome. If you would like to know more about Nova or to access more of her services,

you can reach Nova at her website, NovaBrowningRutherford.com. And you'll be able to know more about her background, know more about her services and her expertise and look at her awesome picture we have loved looking at Nova I know I do

her skin, her lipstick how does she do her hair that way you'll understand when we post a picture Sasha good? I'm good thank you so much for listening to Lost Teenager thank you for sharing your story with us and for being open to having us share your story with others

in an effort to help others And please, if you have more messages for Lost Teenager, continue to send them to Sasha at LaineyGossip.com or other questions for which you need advice, definitely email Sasha at LaineyGossip.com and check us out on iTunes and what is it? Yes, at Google Play. And leave comments.

Thank you so much. And as for next week, we are taking a break for the Labor Day long weekend, so we will be back a week after that. Have a great end of summer. Bye. Bye. We'll be right back.