What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: If A Tree Falls and No One Hears It, is your Boyfriend Cheating?

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

Welcome back to Sasha Answers Podcast!On today's show: Do you tell your bff her bf is being shady, should you allow your husband to hot box your wedding night, and finally, how to confront your backstabbing friend.Thanks for listening and coming back to us each week! We so appreciate your support and feedback. Keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail], and hit us up on iTunes and Google Play. And as always visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment updates.Until next week,S.xx  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise. Hi, this is Lainey. Welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast where Sasha answers. Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

What's happening? Um, well, first can we, sorry, I don't mean to cut you off, but I just did. Um, I checked your Instagram and I saw that your tampon post, we won't dwell on it because I'm sure people are over listening to us talking about it. I'm not sure they are because tampons are like a woman's period is a constant source of conversation. Well, I mean, I would like to talk about it all the time, but I see that like it got a lot of play.

It got a lot of play because people love to talk about their period and commiserate about their period. And about the diva cap. And then period products. Yes. So I posted the ultra tampon, my discovery and obsession that we talked about last week. and then everybody chimed in on their period preferences. Right.

A lot of people didn't know that the Ultra existed. Yeah. And I'm here to tell you that it does, although for some reason it's elusive, like Mariah Carey, but not really like Mariah Carey. Yeah, I actually saw on one of the posts near the end where a girl seemed like she was going to fucking lose her mind in all caps. I was like, where do I get them?

Like it was like she might have been bleeding from herself at that moment and needed to be plugged up because she was stressed. Many people have told me that they, some of them send their husbands on business trips to bring them back with the ultras to the States because they're not stocked in every drugstore in Canada, which I don't understand why this has to change. And I'm wondering if there's something like fucking misogynistic about this, that you're not giving us all the products that we need. Or maybe it's just new.

Then other people. It's just new, right? I'm sure it's new because then I went online and apparently it has been around for a while, especially in the U.S., so I don't know. Anyway, then other people were like, you tampon people are dumb because the Diva Cup is the way to go, which I appreciate all of you who use the Diva Cup. Like, I've had many Diva Cup discussions now at work with women, some young women who are all over.

I just, I can't, like, I, the idea of the, the, the, the emptying. No, me neither. I wasn't also a douche girl either. Like I have a problem with things collecting and then me having to dispose of it and like pour it out or like squeeze it out or like it's just too much. But I really, I know that it's a game changer for a lot of people. Yes. And I know that we have a lot of people who are applicator free, which we've talked about

before, which is just like for me, pseudo masturbation, I think that's not what I want to be doing when I am on my period. I don't want to touch it. To each their own. Yes. To each their own. Yeah. Anyway, to each their own.

But thank you for contributing to our tampon and period obsession. But you got free product. Well, and I didn't. I am like, I actually am like so offended because I feel like I have always been the tampon talker and fucking, can we, can I brand shame these fuckers? No, no, no. You know why? Because you're not, you also are like principled and anti-social media.

Well, fucking get on social media then and like, you know, rail against this shit where someone actually hears you. Whatever. Grants, give me a tampon. Like, give me one tampon for free. It would make like me feel so much better about my life. Why would you need to when all you do is come to my office and get them? I know.

It's true, true, true, true. Okay. I actually wanted to talk to you about Christmas and this hilarious sketch that they did on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Did you watch? I didn't watch it. I didn't even tape it. They did this like, I don't know.

Emma Stone, right? Emma Stone. And I guess they don't call it digital shorts anymore because Andy Samberg's not there, but it's essentially a digital short. It was like a music video. And the music video was about that candle that you have sitting around in your house that you just gift to people when you have nothing else to gift them. And I thought of you because we've had a conversation on this podcast where nobody

wants the fucking candle except for you. I find that so surprising. I want a good candle. I don't want the shitty, like, shopper's drug mart candle. Like, the one that's going to, like, spew toxins into your face. I like, like, the expensive ones. If someone's going to give me something expensive, I'm not going to turn it away. And if it's an expensive candle, that means that's a good gift.

That's a good gift. Well, the whole point of the sketch was that a candle is a shit gift. Like, a candle is a gift that you give to somebody where, like, you didn't think of them at all, that you're just kind of, like, making up for the fact that maybe they got you a gift, and you were like, oh, here's a candle sitting in my closet, and you put a bow on it, and like, yeah, it's impersonal, it's, yeah, and then I was like, ha, I'm going to tell Sasha this. It's the perfect re-gift, though, but fair enough, I mean, there you go, send me your

tampons, also send me your candles, I will take everything and anything. It's free. Okay, let's get started with this week's questions. Yeah. First question, hi, Sasha and Lainey, I need your help delivering some bad news to a good friend. R has been my friend since elementary school. And while we don't talk, see each other that often anymore because we live in different areas, we still consider each other to be best friends. R has a boyfriend who lives in my city and they do a semi long distance thing. They were

together for a few years and ended up splitting because he cheated. They've since gotten back together after he spent a year pining and apologizing and even telling her he wanted to marry her. They've been back together now for almost a year. The other day, my sister came across him on Tinder. I am not the type of person who would not want a friend to tell me this information, so I have no clue how to go about telling her, but when R saw an ex on mine pop up on her Tinder a while ago, when I was still with him, she texted me to let me know. I strongly feel like R would want to know this information, so I feel like I can't just say nothing, even though I kind of want to. Given the history between R and her boyfriend, I would feel bad simply sending a

text to her and feel like it would be better to deliver the info in person. But since I don't know when we will get together in person next, a text message may be the most appropriate option. Should I tell her that her boyfriend came up on my sister's Tinder? I have no idea what to say or how to say it. Any advice would be really appreciated. Well, I don't think the question is whether or not to tell her because she did the same solid for you.

You have to tell her, right? Yeah, this is a weird question to me because it just seems like our writer is like a bit of a wiki when it comes to being in this friendship. I mean, yeah, your friend did you a solid, whether or not you wanted to hear it or not, which, by the way, why didn't you want to hear that piece of information? Did she say that? Well, she said, yeah, if this was happening to me, I wouldn't want to know, which is like, okay, you can still live in denial if you'd like, but not everyone else should

or wants to. Okay. Read that part. um doesn't she say that no she says that um she says i did i wouldn't want to know that information she said no i said i she said i strongly feel like r would want to know this information so i feel like i can't just say nothing even though i kind of want no she says i'm the type of person who would not want a friend to tell me this information oh my god yeah which Which is like fucking weird.

But it happened to her, right? Yes. Okay. That's why I'm like, I don't know. I feel like we should do therapy on the writer herself and not wanting to know when her boyfriend is cheating on her or on Tinder. So is she pissed that her friend did that to her? I don't know.

She doesn't seem to express that. Okay. Okay. But the short and long of it is, yes, you need to tell your friend, your supposed best friend here that your sister has stumbled across her boyfriend on tinder yeah no you don't fucking text her that's not the only option if you can't see her in person then you pick up the fucking phone and you call her or you text her first and say when are you free to chat yeah and then you have an honest conversation as and as easy as i really hate to be the person to have to tell you

this, but we, you know, my sister saw your boyfriend on Tinder. And then let her feel that, grieve that, do with it what she wants. But yeah, like it's really quite simple. I think so too. I think that you have the evidence that your friend R did it for you via text, by the way. So even if you were to text her, you almost have like a built-in like, hey, I'm actually doing the exact same thing for you, number one. Given the history here, though, this guy already has cheated once on R. And while having a Tinder profile doesn't necessarily mean he's already cheated, it's, you know…

It means you're looking to. Like, the condom is on. Yeah. Like, he's… The rapper is on the ground. The condom is on. He's, like, about to dive in. Yeah.

So, yeah, this hesitation, I agree with you, says more perhaps about the person who's writing the letter and why you wouldn't want… Want to know. Yeah. She clearly is someone who would want to know because she did you the same solid again. So, why wouldn't you want to know? This is… Yeah, I really…

I think this is just like a bigger thing, a bigger discussion, which is why women want to, why would they would want to live in a relationship in denial that something shady was happening behind their back? But that's really interesting. I think that it's that, it's a little bit like the, if the tree falls in the forest and nobody's, right, is if you are happy in your own happiness, then does it matter? Like if a situation can go on where you are completely content, I don't think you can ever truly be content or truly be happy when you know, when you have a seeking…

How can you be sad about something that you don't know? Every person kind of knows. I… No. Every person… No. After a while… Listen, there are clues.

Unless your dude is like a straight sociopath, which is totally possible, right? Okay, fine. Boyfriend sociopath, then yes, you might never know. But most dudes are kind of dummies and like something pops up. Something happens, the news gets broken at some point or clues are dropped. So I don't know. I don't think you can live in total bliss but also still be in denial. Like I don't, that's not, for me that's not possible.

True happiness does not exist in denial. I mean, I have friends, you know, I have, there are many, many stories I can give you where people have double lives and can maintain those double lives for years, forever. um and everybody is fine right um so but the added layer here with this chick is that she's like even if it was happening i don't want to know yes so sorry so she's like a different kind of strain of female right she's fine i i totally take what you say as the truth you have lots of girlfriends who don't know and they get totally blindsided oh my god relatives like it has been i have like a relative who's um don't you have some don't you know something's up no a bit strange no

okay what like 100 and i don't think it's fair to be like to say about those people where you missed it you were stupid like i mean listen it just i think that when people are able to deceive to their advantage they don't want anything to change so they deceive whoever they're deceiving because they actually like the arrangement and they can go about it in a very smart way. I agree. Listen, I don't, I'm not disagreeing with you on that, but what you were saying initially was that can someone still be in denial but also just live in their happy box?

That's what we were talking about. Yes. So I'm saying no, because if you are that person like our writer, then you secretly know that something's happening, you just don't want to know it. That's different from what you're telling me about the other women that you talk to. Because I know women – like, I was blindsided too. I didn't know what was up. So that's a different type of situation that I feel like I'm talking about.

Because I'm talking about – No, but she's saying she wouldn't want to know. Yeah. Like, she would just prefer that, like, a friend not tell her. Yeah. So that – To continue on living in a happy bubble. Which is strange because that bubble isn't happy at the end of the day.

I don't know. I don't know. I want her to check herself a little bit about that. Yeah. that kind of mentality, that kind of thinking, because that's sort of skewed and a bit fucked up and like a little bit head in the sand. So like, don't do that. I don't know. I'm not sure I agree with that. I think that like, I understand that. Me, my personality, yes, of course I would want to know. But my personality, I've begun to understand, unfortunately, is not everybody's

personality. And other people place a value on in the moment happiness that, you know, as long as you can preserve it for as long as you can preserve it, you do it. And I don't know, even though personally, you and I clearly don't agree with that path to life. I'm not sure that we can knock it. Like it's worked for, it clearly works for people. I don't know if it works for people. I think that, like, let's flash forward 15 years later. Like, are they still happy in that bubble? I don't think so. But then you've been happy for 15 years.

Like, here's how I wonder, I surmise, here's how they see it. Like, okay, fine. I'm happy right now. I like this guy. He likes me. You know, we are doing nice things together. Then suddenly, I don't have him. He doesn't have me.

And I'm alone. Okay. You know, and it's, you know, now, now that someone's forced the knowledge on me, now I'm alone. I'm forced to make this decision. I'm forced to say goodbye to this person and I'm alone. And for some people, being alone is worse. For some people.

This is not me advocating for not being alone and being cheated on. I'm saying that this is the reality for people. Like, my whole thing is that I think that the point of this podcast is trying to like at least, you know, try and understand those perspectives. it's very to me to me that's sad and hollow but for them they must have a reason right I think the point of this podcast for sure is that but I also want to like make those people realize that that's not the way to fucking live either right the whole point of this too was like um I don't know that's fine that that's been your pattern for your life but it's not a good way to live

I just don't think denial is a good way to live I also don't think that being afraid of being alone with yourself is a bad thing either. So if that scares you, well, then you should, again, fucking check yourself and like learn to love yourself and all that kind of fucking cheesy shit because that's important. That's how you live a quality life. And if people don't get that, then, you know. I'm just trying to ask, like when I agree, I totally, I mean, obviously on the top level, I certainly agree with all the things that you're saying. Sometimes I wonder if like our perspective is shaped by non-single privilege or happiness privilege that we have like and the reason i say this is because in the last year i've met somebody who is a single mom and has

been alone for a long time and just has her work and um works very hard and is is is is very it's tough for her to be raising her child by herself and has always loved the wrong men and is currently, again, loving someone who's not right for her and who isn't nice to her. And I had this… I'm saying, you know, all the things that you just said about it's better to be alone and value yourself and, you know, and have dignity and whatnot. And she was like, you know what? The people who say that understand what it feels like on paper, but they don't understand

the loneliness of my day-to-day life. What do I do if, you know, and she's like, listen, I'm now in my forties. So to be superficial, I don't look good anymore. I'm not going to get like the kind of guys that other women have access to, but my skin, my skin is shit. Right. And listen, I feel like, you know, you need to like appreciate how I sat across the table from her and I couldn't, And I can debate almost anything. And I couldn't tell her all the usual platitudes. Love yourself. Be alone and love yourself.

It's not about that, though. It's shifting your perspective. So, no, no, but listen, it's like, I'm not saying be alone for the rest of your life because that's just, like, fucking, like, blissful. No, it's fucking sad. No one wants to fucking be alone. It does suck at the end of the day if you're fucking dying by yourself. I get that.

But it's like, for this chick specifically, be alone to figure out why the fuck you keep on inviting horrible men into your life. If you can fucking actually do some work and like figure out all that stuff whilst being alone, then at least fuck, you'll be happy when you realize that you deserve more so that you can fucking attract more. You can attract better fucking human beings into your life. Like what, who wants to be with a bunch of shitty men for your entire life when you have fucking kids and, and be miserable that you're being treated horribly day in and day out. To me, that's the problem.

So I think that's what's sad is that like life has been so hard on so many women that the alternative of not getting 100 from somebody is preferable to being alone is what I'm trying to say. That's the whole point of it. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, listen, my mom married a really shitty person and she had two kids and was a single mom for a really long time. And then she was single for a really long time until she realized that she deserved fucking the cream of the motherfucking crop, right? She would have

waited until her fucking deathbed until she got that again. So I just encourage women who are in that situation to like hold out for something good. And if you're not… and in the meantime, hold on to the fact that you are good enough at that point in time alone. Do you know what I mean? I do. I just, I think that that is the ideal fairy tale and how it's supposed to go. I just think that life, as we have seen, fucks up more people than it like rewards them. And I think that there's a long, sad list of examples where all those women just don't believe in that for, you know, their own reasons, which unfortunately it's hard to argue against.

um and you know the bigger picture here as i said is that like yeah the reason why women feel find themselves in positions where they kind of um take shit by degrees and measure what's either shit and diarrhea and prefer shit over diarrhea instead of waiting for the gold is because like sometimes they don't feel like they have options i'm not saying this is exactly what's happening to the person who wrote us, but I think that it's worth, it's worthwhile having this discussion because, you know, I do hear from a lot of people who say, like, who email and say, like, listen, everybody has those platitudes to give, but when you dig down into real life and like…

Yeah, of course, of course. I know, I know. Either said than done. But I also hope that, like, it would be a domino effect. When women start fucking waiting out for the good shit, then men have to fucking step up and be that good shit. Right now, dudes can like fucking piss in your face and you're like, great, I love you, let's get married.

Do you know what I mean? Because the bar has been set so goddamn low. But they just elected somebody in America who, you know, who grabs pussies and can take over the highest office in the land. So imagine what else collectively as women we excuse in just regular day-to-day men. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm glad that this turned out into a deeper discussion.

That was really rewarding. All right. So, yeah, text or call your friend, but you got to tell your friend because, yeah, she clearly is the kind of person who would want to know. Quick question. When was the last time a display ad changed your mind? Now, think about the last time a friend told you about something they loved. Different feeling, right? That's how podcast advertising works. A host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words, in their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. It's part of it.

With Acast, you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace. Choose the right shows, the right audiences, the right format. Then watch the data tell you it worked. You're not buying impressions. You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise. Next. Hi, Sasha Laney.

I need some advice because I'm pretty pissed off. Okay. I'm getting married in June. and recently something came up during a conversation with the fiancé. He mentioned that he will be stoned while we get married in church. Okay. I wish we could see Asik's face right now. I know. We need him.

Okay, so he mentioned that he will be stoned while we get married in church. He said he will be nervous, so he'll be smoking some weed before the ceremony. So I'm thinking to myself, he needs to be high to marry me? Why does he need to be high for this? Should I think nothing of this? I'm sure I'm going to be nervous as fuck, but also I wasn't thinking about smoking some weed before we take our vows. Do I have a right to be pissed off about this?

Any advice would be appreciated. If you say this is nothing to be pissed off about, then my ass will smoke some weed also before the ceremony. Well, thanks, D. Okay, so D is getting married and her fiance is really nervous. Yeah. Oh, fuck. See, this is the one and only time that Jacek should actually have a microphone here.

Fuck. Um, well, I don't know. Like, are you married to a fucking blunt smoking stoner? Like, or is he like just an occasional weed smoker? Like, is he going to get, like, what's he like when he gets stoned? Is he like super pie-eyed and fucking embarrassing? Or is he mellow? Like, I don't know.

These are all like, I need to know, I need to know what we're dealing with here. Like, is he a major heat score when he's fucking? Well, I think that first of all, we need to address why does he need to be high to marry me? And I don't think that is the case. I think he's told you… Taking the edge off. That he needs to take the edge off.

I had a glass of… I think I had like one or two glasses of champagne before I walked down the aisle. Well, this is what I wanted to ask you. Why can't it be that equivalent? Like many, many people have a shot or… Or, like, if D, yeah, her name's D. Hey, D, if he said to you, I'm just going to have a whiskey or a shot of vodka or whatever before, would you have the same reaction? Like, why is it that suddenly weed is, I don't know.

As you know, I think in this house, we are defenders of marijuana. But you know what's interesting is, like, I don't know, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't, I'm not, like, a chronic person, but I guess I just, I don't, I'm trying to think like I can spot like a weed smoker in a second like I couldn't tell you if someone took a shot of vodka but I think I could tell you if someone just like took a hit up from a bong do you know what I mean like the effects of visually are there right away it depends who I don't yeah like I'm trying to think like there are some people who have a drink a beer and all of a sudden they get like rage frat rape face right yes but like I'm trying to think if I

If I know… and I know lots of people who smoke weed, but I always know when they've just, like, smoked. Yeah. So, I don't know. Like, do you want your husband that day to look like a fucking total Snoop Dogg in all your pictures? Well, it… I mean, if it means that he's not going to, like, throw up and freeze up and, you know, be super nervous.

Like, clearly he's, this is somebody who is uncomfortable in front of crowds. Yep. So, and I think that… We all are in those days, for sure. I think that it's really interesting because at weddings, the focus is always on the bride, right? How's she going to look? Yeah. It's her day.

And as we should, yes, woman, yay, yay. But I think that, like, you know, for some people who don't like being in crowds, who are uncomfortable being stared at, But imagine, like, the woman wants to be stared at, number one. Yeah. Imagine for somebody who is super uncomfortable with that kind of shit, who, like, Jacek is actually one of those people. He's extremely crowd-averse. Yeah.

Like, he would never be able to, like, do what I do for a living. Right. I would imagine that you need a little bit of help. Yeah. So, I would rather him get the help than freeze up or, like, knock things over or… But for me, it goes back to what kind of stoner is he? Like, sure, you don't want him to like, I don't know, whatever those nervous tics would be, but like, is he going to fucking like giggle throughout the whole fucking ceremony?

Is he going to fucking be reaching for fucking cake and like eating it? I don't know what kind of stoner this guy is. Like, if he's cool, if he's cash, if he's going to fucking like take a couple puffs of a joint before, no big deal. If the dude's going to be a fucking embarrassing mess and like look like he needs to take a nap, then no, you can't let him do that. I think that to me, like, yeah, 100%. It's, of course, like, what's he going to be like?

Yeah. And she should know. She's marrying the fucking dude. Yeah. But if he's just going to be a little bit more chill. Yeah. And most importantly, if it's going to make him feel better on your wedding day, feeling better and comfortable instead of feeling knotted up and nervous, that's the most important

thing. It's about how he feels. Yeah. Which is more important than how he looks. In pictures. If he has good… I'm sorry, but like, you know, if we're trying to get down, to drill down to what's real in life, then how a man feels about his wedding day…

Is just as important as the bride, for sure. And more important than how the pictures are going to turn out. Right. And to our bride, like, I don't think you should smoke weed because truly, like, your face gets… Everyone's face gets a bit jank when they're high. So, like, I feel like it's important for her not to… Fine.

Her husband can look like a piece of shit in the fucking pictures, but she doesn't. I love how, like, you know, Sasha, Sasha's, I love your contradictions because hating Instagram and filters and, like, people focusing on their looks and then, like, oh, wait, make sure he doesn't look bad in the pictures. Well, come on now. It's not just in the pictures, but, like, fucking meeting your, all your extended family. Like, I don't know. Like, you want to have, you want to have your game face on that day.

You want to have your game face on. Hey, listen, I'm saying smoke a fucking joint if that's going to take the edge off. But don't smoke the fucking joint if you're going to look like a weirdo lunatic on your wedding day and embarrass everybody. Hopefully he's not that kind of stoner or whatever. I mean, I feel like it's probably not like a thing. It doesn't sound like he's doing it for the first fucking time. Or if, I don't know, I was just going to say, if he isn't a regular weed smoker and he's

like, thinking that he'll just smoke a joint to take the edge off of him and that's going to work, that's terrifying. Have a trial run. Yeah, totally. Yeah. There you go. Have a trial run. Yeah.

Instead of making this into, like, some, like, argument that it doesn't need to be, like, yeah, do a fucking trial run with him and see how it is. Like, have fun with it. And then you can take it from there. See what he's actually like. If you don't know, which it would be strange if you don't know. I will say that, like, I think that to go back to what we were saying way, way back or what I was saying way, way back is like people's pearl clutchiness about weed and

almost their lack of pearl clutchiness about alcohol sometimes is like shocking to me because so many, I think, worse outcomes come from alcohol. Oh my gosh. I've been to a couple of weddings that… Oh God, yeah. From drink. And it's so horrific. It is.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this one guy, the groom, got like shit canned and it was just so embarrassing. So embarrassing. Yes. And like people fight on alcohol. Yeah. How many stoners have you heard of like get into crazy fights, you know, start a fight?

You know those guys in fights or guys in bars that inevitably like you know you can pick out who's going to be the fighter? Why are you talking to my girlfriend? Yeah. Why are you standing so close to her? And then all of a sudden bottles go flying? Yeah. That's alcohol.

Oh, yeah. That is not weed. Yeah. Anyway, so obviously I think that we've made it clear our feelings on weed. Okay. Final question. Oh yeah. So yeah, let him, if he is used to being on it and is pretty chill, if he's never done it before, do the trial run and have fun together. But it sounds like both of you are getting stoned at your wedding together. It's going to be great. Next. Hi, Sasha, I am in need of your unbiased opinion. I too am a petty bitch like Lainey. Thank you. And sometimes find it hard to be objective about my own feelings. So here's the story.

My husband, I'll call him T, and I recently celebrated our nine-year wedding anniversary with a quick weekend getaway. Happy anniversary. We have three small children and have been going through a rough patch. I have confided in a friend, I'll call her A, who is recently single, thinking she would offer a great perspective. T and I had a nice relaxing couple of drinks in the hotel bar and then a beautiful dinner overlooking the ocean. And then A, my friend, texts us as we are leaving, not knowing where we are, to let me know she's going out with a new guy she met.

They happen to be in the same vicinity. Do we want to meet up for a drink? Sure, sounds fun. We hardly ever get to grab a drink together with friends. She proceeds to shit all over Girl Code by railing on me to tea and in front of this poor date of hers about how I don't put out enough. She actually said my husband should withhold money and goods from me unless I give him a blow job.

Wow. She apologized to him and said, sorry, I don't know what's wrong with her. I'm glaring daggers at her and T who looks like he wants to agree with her but doesn't want to die a public death

when T went to the bathroom I asked her what the fuck she was doing and she just laughed it off I pressed her on it by saying she knows our history and our issues

and she should be on my side she said proudly to her date that she's always on the guys team who is this shitty friend so I'm fucking pissed now and hurt and just can't get out of there

fast enough T and I get into a huge fight back at our hotel when I asked him why he didn't stick up for me. He says he was so uncomfortable he didn't want to be rude to my friend. I get it now. I didn't even stick up for myself properly, so I was putting some of that anger on him. So this scared-ass husband of mine and I have made up at this point, but I haven't spoken

to Ace since. She's texted and called every day, but I just have no clue what to even say. She apologized if she, quote, said too much. Am I talking to her yet? Okay, so give it to me. How would you approach this? I am the least confrontational person I know. It's probably my weakest personality trait.

I'm constantly regretting not speaking up in the moment and could kick my own ass for finishing a drink at that table with her without flipping the motherfucker and walking out. I honestly feel like cutting her out of my life completely. The betrayal I feel cuts deep. On the other hand, we've been friends for 20 years, over 20 years, and this is the first serious fight we've had. Ghosting her isn't going to work forever. Thank you.

Appreciate any insight. See. Okay, well, I don't know what this friend was all about, but… Yeah, all of a sudden her friend just turned into, like, a raging cunt. Yeah, like, this was… Like, but has no history of being, like, a ragey cunt in the past? It sounds like, according, if you're just going to go by this email word for word, then this was the first time she cunt raged.

Yeah, but I… It almost sounds like she, A, probably had too much to drink, like we were talking about in the last question. She should have smoked weed. Yeah. She would have been much more conciliatory. Totally. Yeah.

And maybe showing off in front of the guy that she was on a date with. Like, I'm the kind of girl who puts out, like, I suck a mean cock. I love sucking dick. Yeah. I love sucking dick. I'm like, I love dudes. Which you should, but just don't, like, use your… Don't sell your fucking friend out.

Yeah. Don't use your friend as the barometer of your dick sucking skills. Yeah. Like, I mean, yeah. So I feel like maybe if, yes, there is no history of her being a fucking twat, then maybe that is why that happened that night. Still doesn't make it excusable. I still think that's, like, such a shitty, shitty thing to do to somebody, to your best

friend. I don't know. Like, you're the… Is it a friendship deal breaker for you? Let's say… No, it wouldn't be a friendship deal breaker. I would have to sit down, have a conversation with her and like, no holds bar, tell her how I felt in that moment. And I wouldn't, if she came back with that same wet noodle apology, then I would contemplate whether or not cutting her out of my life.

Yeah. I mean, in many ways, this is probably not, again, this is not a question about your friend. It's a question about you. As you said many times in your email, you are not a confrontational person and you didn't stick up for yourself in that moment. So I kind of want to address that. Yeah. Good.

Good. I like that. Let's put aside whether or not you should be mad at your friend. You should. We agree there. But now let's talk about how you are going to stick up for you. You had somebody you care about totally humiliate you in, like, on a night where you should have been really happy and celebrating.

What are you going to do about that? So you're saying, I am not a confrontational person and this is the weakest thing about me. Well, if there is one time that you should be a confrontational person, this is it. like this is it and confrontation as you know as a spiteful little biatch is that it's not a bad thing being like confrontational doesn't mean that you have to be uh like fucking swearing and fucking like cat fighting and all that kind of shit it's like you have to confront how you feel and dole it out to the person and like it can be calm it can be like a bit spirited but standing

up for yourself isn't a bad thing no ever ever yeah a bad thing and I think we're all in those situations where something fucking jaw-dropping happens and you don't say it in the moment how you feel that doesn't mean that you can't go back that doesn't mean you can't go like relive that moment after the fact and talk about it you know a lot of the time we're taken off guard when someone says something really shitty to us but I don't think we should just fucking eat it and deal with our emotions and feel horrible about it and hate that person and like, you know, cause distance, like confront it. Yeah.

I think that you need to definitely address it with your friend at some point, but before then you need to address it with yourself. So how did, how does she get to that point? Well, I don't know. Are you like Issa Rae in Insecure and are you talking at the mirror? Like I love that show. That show is so good. That soundtrack is coming out, too, for that show.

I cannot fucking wait. Anyways, yes, keep on going. The show, you know, Issa Rae in Insecure, once an episode, right, goes to the bathroom wherever she is. Like, it could be her own apartment. It could be, like, at the school and, like, starts talking to herself. And those conversations are more about self-confrontation, really. What are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? I would do that to you, yeah. So the first thing I think would be to, you know what works for me is I first get mad at me. Like you should be mad at your friend, but also take some time to be mad at yourself for not sticking up for yourself and really do some exploration. What is it that you are afraid of when you know you are 100% in the right and you still can't defend yourself? That is the work that needs to be done right now.

And once you get past that work, then you'll find a way to then go out there or not. But most importantly, I don't want this to ever happen to you again. Yeah. So I want you to fight you right now. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. You also don't want to give too much time, though. Like, you want to, like, have that conversation with yourself pretty quickly, work through

those emotions within a few days. But you do want to kind of nip this in the bud pretty soon. Yeah, I would want her to, but I don't know what the deep-seated reasons are. You know, sometimes it takes a lot of work, self-work to really get to the place where you, I mean, look, for how many years and centuries are women not stepping up for themselves

in the workplace, in the home, right? So this is, 100%, I agree, Sasha, like this is, you want to do it as quickly as possible. I don't know if it's an overnight thing, but I think that the priority is really getting yourself to the point where nobody else

makes you feel like that again yeah because I agree I think that that person knew that that was who you are

they've known you for 20 years so clearly she knew she could like stop on her she knew that she could get away with it and she would come

out of that without being like have a drink thrown in her face right because imagine if she had done that to you

I don't you know what to be quite honest with you I kind of I do actually feel like I would probably have reacted the same way that our writer did um because I would have

been just so shocked that someone would be so fucking rude um but I I I totally would take your advice I would fucking be mean to myself and be like why would I let someone ever fucking do that but I would I wouldn't I wouldn't wait too many beats before I fucking confronted that shit so that's what I'm saying I think what you're saying is like kind of a a long journey of like trying to figure out and to make sure that you stand up for yourself in this situation, ask that question quickly. The answer is don't ever let anyone do that to you and talk to your friend about it because that's some bullshit.

That's some bullshit that should never be in a friendship. And let her know you won't accept that from her ever again. Yeah. And as a friend, I would let her know that you have been doing work on yourself and that you have been like, you know what? You were in the wrong, but I wronged myself for not challenging you on the day. So I want you to know that I am no longer that person. Yeah.

So mind yourself. Yeah. And then you can threaten her by shaming her on Facebook. Can we do that? No. Oh, come on. Why does she get one step psycho? Like, no.

No, again. Come on, where are you going to let me? You were like so heartfelt and wonderful in that moment. Like it felt really warm and cozy. And then you just fucking put stank on it. So no. Loved how you ended that. Thank you very much.

the threat be looming no okay that is not a good friendship either look why would i fucking i have to live up to my reputation as quote a petty bitch yeah but no you were really nice there for a hot second so let's just let you have let's savor that moment bask in just like pure loveliness for one second okay okay thanks for writing in and keep your questions coming to sasha at laneygossip.com yeah save your candles and send them to Sasha too and your tampons the ones that you don't want um yeah check us out on iTunes and on Google Play and as Sasha said leave uh comments we love them and talk to you next week bye do you keep hearing podcast ads like this one for example but always wonder how you actually

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