What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Marry Me Now Or Over!

Episode Date: January 11, 2017

Welcome back to our first podcast of the new year! Thank you for tuning back in!On today's show: How Instagram can f-ck up your relationship, how to be there for an annoying friend, and how to get your partner to marry you.Hope you enjoy this one and please continue to send your letters to me at [e-mail] and of course please check us out on iTunes and Google Play. We love reading your feedback!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Lainey, and welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. This is the first of 2017. Hi, Sash. Hi, how's it going? Good. I noticed that you guys are still in the festive spirit. You have all your Christmas decorations still out. The tree is still up.

The tree is still up. Our outside lights. I don't know if the banister is even done. Our banister is still done. The outside lights are still up. That's me. Jacek actually, to his credit, wanted to take the tree down on Sunday, which was the Golden Globes. And I worked all night that night.

It was an all-nighter. And I was like, oh, can you not take it down? Because at 3 o'clock in the morning when I am fucking tired and like still have 20 articles to go, I want to look behind me and be like… And be twinkling? There's the tree and, you know, it's so pretty. So he's going to take it down next weekend. However, we like to keep our lights out for a long time. You're those people.

What are those people? I've never actually, you know what? I don't think actually being in presence of actual people that I enjoy who still keep their lights up. Listen, they're not going to be up until summertime. But as long as it feels like winter, then they're winter lights. What you hear there in the background is my dogs running around chasing each other and Barney trying to hump Elvis. Right.

That's nice. That's also festive. Anyway, so your tree's down. My tree's down. We take it. I've always taken it down on January 4th, the day after my birthday. Correct. Which is January 3rd.

Which I must say, someone, a reader, I forget her name and I'm a total dickhead for forgetting, but she fucking sent me an email to be like, I know that you've said in past podcasts that people forget your birthday. So I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Right. What a nice fucking human being. She literally is better than half of my friends who forgot. So thank you to that blessed reader. That's basically your way of saying, fuck you, Lainey. You forgot. Yeah, you forgot. We toasted you on Friday, though. You did. You did. We toasted you on Friday. I'll take that sloppy second happy birthday. That's fine. I'll take it. It was delayed. It was within the week, but like, yeah, let's see what happens when you

have your birthday next year. January 3rd. Yes. Yeah. Everyone has a fucking calendar. Just put it in. So, um, anyway, anyway. Yes. So, um, shit's still up. We wished you a happy birthday at our lady gossip team dinner, which I posted on Instagram and we had such a good time. That was so much fun. And yes, we toasted your birthday at the beginning. I'm just saying that many times so that I can make up for the shit that I'm in. Yeah. Anyway, shall we get started? Yes. Okay. So here is our first letter of the year. Okay. Dear Sasha and Lainey, I hope you both will have a lot of advice and opinions on my situation. Here it goes. Last weekend, I was out with my good friend. Let's call her Becky. Oh, when we call

someone… That can't be good. Okay. We've been friends for years, but I wouldn't say we're besties, but nonetheless, we go out and have fun together. We were out at a bar on Saturday night and had a drink… or sorry, had lots to drink and taking stupid pictures like girls do. Anyway, there was another group of guys partying a few tables down, so in our drunken stupors, we were posing with them. The night ended. I went home and woke up to a shit storm. I guess Becky had posted a picture of me on Instagram sitting on a guy's lap. Nothing happened with him. We were just being idiots. In fact, I don't even remember the picture, but when my boyfriend saw it, he got so mad at me. We've been dating for eight months and don't have trust issues until now. He told me how disrespectful I

was and he says he needs to think about what all this means. I'm freaking out and don't know what to do? I've apologized, but apart from getting on my knees and begging, I'm at a loss as to what to do to regain our friendship. Sorry, relationship. Can you help? Okay. Well, what are we doing here? What is the question? The question… Like how does she make it up to her boyfriend? Yeah. We said that in unison. That was really weird. Well, this is interesting because you mentioned the Lady Gossip annual dinner we had. And it's funny because I, as everyone fucking knows, what a yawn fest. I'm not on Instagram, but I always get people who text me to tell me that they've seen me on Instagram because I guess it's like very rare or something.

And I got a couple of texts being like, oh, I saw you on Instagram. How was Lady Gossip's dinner? And so they always, this one particular person always finds it very humorous when they will send me the picture. And I remember looking at a couple of pictures that were posted online and I was like, fuck, these pictures fucking suck. Like I look, not my most ideal, okay? If I'm going to fucking, like, you posted one on Twitter. Yeah, we all looked nice, didn't we?

Okay, but wait, let me backtrack. I think it was the same. Let me backtrack. It was really the same. Let me backtrack because there was one picture that I was like, oh, that's really like not so flattering. But I will, like, fine, like, whatever. But it did cross my mind that, like, am I allowed to tell somebody, especially because

I am, I feel like, have protected myself that way, am I allowed to be like, hey, like, before you post a picture of me, do you mind telling me? Or is that not the age and day we live in? I think there are, that's a code that a lot of friends observe. Okay. So I've not, like, I've heard that before. So this code could have applied to this friend, right, before she posted, said, sitting on Oh, for sure.

I think on a night like that, this code, I mean, there are 80… Do your friends need approval, I guess is what I'm saying, before you post something on social media? There are like 80 things that we need to address here. Okay. But let's address the reader first. Yes. Oh, not me.

A lot of… There are a lot of people I've heard of who have this code and, like, they get approval and whatnot. I think most of the time, though, it applies to, like, close-up selfie. Like, you know, that, like, hey, do you look good here and whatnot. Right. I guess. I feel like in this case, though.

Yes. That's one of the things to address. Like, you know, do you need to sort it with Becky? Fine. Go sort it with Becky. But in this case, if you reverse the situation and then she was on Instagram and she saw her boyfriend with some girl on his lap, she would be, I feel like she'd probably feel the same way.

I would. I would. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't, that wouldn't be a dagger in my relationship. I wouldn't be like, I don't know if I can trust you anymore. No. But I think that you have to, you have to appreciate, Reader, did she give a name? You have to appreciate where he's coming from. Like.

Totally. That's going to ruffle some feathers. And that the excuses about like, oh, it was just a fun night. It didn't mean anything. A lot of times words against a picture are futile. So 100%, he's well within his rights to feel like this. On the Instagram note, like approving pictures and I'm just going to say like your issue about not looking good is exactly why you hate social media because you think people

are so vain right so that's why I didn't that's why there was no reason for me to say anything I was like meh like I was like oh do I take that down because I don't because I honestly just don't want pictures of myself up on Instagram but when they're ugly too you're like oh shit that's like a double whammy right but I was like oh I'm not gonna say anything because at the end of the day yes my whole mo is we shouldn't be subscribing to a perfect life anyway so I was like I look but okay fine um um but it just triggered that idea when when you read this letter is like oh yeah like what is that code i don't know what that fucking code is i didn't i don't know that i didn't know there was a code that's why i wanted to know i've heard that yeah i mean i've seen it

like i can i see it out in public like i'm in a restaurant or whatever and a group of girls are what and they'll pass the phone around and so i guess you should start establishing that with Your friends. I don't really care. I don't really care. Oh, you're talking about A. Not me again. And you.

And you. I keep on bringing it back to me. 2017 is like me just being really selfish. No. Me, I don't care. You don't care. My personal thing, like, I… Well, the uglier, the better for you.

You almost enjoy that. Correct. My dogs are back to humping, or one dog's back to humping each other, the other one. Oh. Oh. So, anyway, not that everybody needs a live play-by-play, but… Oh, they're actually… They're actually…

Oh, this is… We just need to, we just need to make sure that everybody knows what the sound is that you're hearing in the background. Do you not want to stop that? That's okay to just have sex with your brother? Well, it's not about sex. It's about dominance. It's about power.

There, see? Did you see that? Did you see him baring his teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, cool. Anyway, so establish the code with your friends and definitely, like, talk to Becky. but maybe Becky should be the one to fucking help you out now and do your solid.

Maybe that is the solution. But also I think the solution to, and sort of something you touched upon, is with your boyfriend, I wouldn't blow it off to be like, oh, get over it. It's just me sitting on another dude's lap. I think you just, you kind of have to be a little bit vulnerable and be like, you know what?

That was, you know, really not cool of me to not think about that and think about how that might have made you feel. It means nothing. This dude was like gross and useless to me. But I understand that it hurt you. I want you to know that will never happen again. Like, I think you just fucking, you know, lie there and take it. And take it for as long as it kind of needs to be taken.

Yeah. Right? And I think, too, he's saying that he needs to take some time and think about what all this means. That's fair. If you need to, again, get Becky to vouch for you and be like, hey, I'm sorry, but nothing happened that night. But also, I got to tell you, when I go out with my friends, I mean, maybe I'm not 20 anymore, but we've been out how many times and I've been drunk how many times? You've never seen me climb on a guy's lap?

I've never seen you do that. I don't even climb on my… Oh, like I didn't know if that was a trick question. No, you've never done that. No. I don't even climb on Yassic's lap. No. Mostly you just…

I mean, the only thing that you've ever done really drunk is like show me your bra. And that was to me. Like you lift up your shirt. Right. And Jacek was there, actually. I think I was trying to show everybody my bra. You very much did. But yeah, it's an interesting thing when you're still in that kind of mind frame

that you need to like, I don't know, sprawl on dudes. Like, I don't know. That's a bit, that's a bit. I mean, I just, like, I would just, I understand what you're saying here, but I think that after you've sorted this mess out, established the code with your friends, asked Becky to help you out with your boyfriend, and maybe just think about whether or not you want to be in a relationship.

I know it was fun and like some guys were at the booth beside you and that's like totally fine hanging out. It's one of those nights. But just let's think about what happened in terms of like if you're sitting on a guy's lap, are you in that moment? Were you flirting? Did you want him to have the idea that like that was fun? Like, you know, because sitting voluntarily, sitting on somebody's lap is a little bit, you know, strange.

I wouldn't say strange. I would say suggestive. Okay. Like, lap sitting is, I think, things are touching. Fine. Yes. A bum is on something. Your ass crack is on his dick.

Okay. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. I actually but on the other side of it though is like I don't think

it should be inflated into this huge deal like she made a blunder apologized for it and if you are being sincere about it the dude will your boyfriend

will forgive you so I don't necessarily know if she needs to question like what this boyfriend means to her if she needs to be in a relationship

I would just say like the fact that you didn't remember taking that picture might mean like just dial back the drinks alright

happy new year it's January maybe try dry well dry February now by the time you get this. Okay, next. Hi, Sasha. I'm trying to strike a delicate balance with a friend.

Here goes. I'm just starting my second semester of graduate school. In my first semester, I became friends with a girl named G. She seemed great at first and she's a sweet girl who means well, but I quickly realized I'd made a mistake in getting close to her.

If ever there was a poster child for only child syndrome, it would be G. Excuse me. I am an only child, but fine. She does not know how to contribute to a conversation other than to tell a tangentially related story about herself and how unique and interesting she is.

After taking a hike with G and another friend, our other friend said, I heard her say one thing in three hours that wasn't about herself. It's bad. I know and love plenty of only children, so I feel slightly guilty about calling it only child syndrome, but she is unbelievably self-involved. She also has what I think are some pretty major insecurities

that manifest themselves as arrogance or condescension, something for which I have little patience. Just to give you an example, I drove her to the airport earlier one morning and she spent the entire trip telling me she speaks French as a second language after many years of study and work, that languages come naturally to her and she could become fluent in French super easily because she speaks Arabic, which is so much harder, and French is so easy that anyone could do it. And she grew up around French because it's her mother's second language.

And when she spent a week in Paris, she was understanding certain things. I could give you a hundred more examples of this kind of behavior, But suffice to say, it's very annoying on its best day. I have no interest in being mean to her, but I have plenty of other people I'd like to get to know better, some of whom have told me they can't stand being around G, so I want to gently create some distance. Here's the problem. G's terminally ill father was recently given a few months to live.

It's an awful situation, and she's understandably having a really difficult time. She considers me among one of her better friends at school and is leaning on me for support. I, of course, do not begrudge her that at all, and I'm doing what I can to be there for her. I can't imagine what she's going through, and I would never want to do anything to make things harder for her, but pretending to be her close friend when I can't stand her, and as awful as it sounds, that's what I'm doing, isn't good for either of us. I have a friend whose parent passed away several years ago who said she felt obligated for years afterward to remain close with the people who had been kind to her when her parent died, even though she didn't really like them

or want to be friends with them. My situation, though obviously infinitely easier in that I'm not losing a parent, feels like that in reverse. I wanted to separate myself from this friendship and I just feel like if I don't find a way to do it now, it'll get harder. Is there a way for me to have it both ways help? So G… G's, I guess, one of those people who just talks about themselves. And then, like, if you're like, well, I bought some carrots, she'll jump in and be like, oh my God, I'm so good at making carrots. Yes. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think what stands out to me about this letter is, and we do this on the podcast all

the time, we're like, oh, we need more details. Tell us about like, what is this person like? What's the situation like? We need more, more, more, more, more. And I commend our writer that she gave us lots of details. But this is one of those funny times where it's like, I don't even care about the details. I don't care about this only child. I don't care about all the bullshit she talks about. I mean, does she sound annoying? A hundred percent, yes. But for me, all that I need to know is that there is a person out there who is going through some shit and is reaching out. And to not help that person through that time is not just being a shitty friend, I think is just being a shitty person. And, you know, like that doesn't like, you know, I've taken this

vow, like I never want to fucking leave someone behind if they're going through some shit. And I think that that is something that we all need to do. So for me, I'm like, I don't care what you do in the future. Like, let's deal with that at another time. But right now, this girl is looking to you for help. And I think that is like the end. Like, you just have to be there to help her and support her and like, let her grieve, let her do whatever. Like, I just, you just have to be there. I mean, that's it to me. Like, I don't care that she's an annoying person. She's an annoying person who needs a friend. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, I agree with everything you just said. I don't think you can bail on somebody who's going through that, especially when they

consider you one of their inner circle. And frankly, I think that the scenario that you wrote about the attachment that happens after somebody loses a parent and they feel obligated to the people who were there for them. If this person is as selfish as you say they are, she's not going to be one of those people. That's actually a really good point.

Right, like you're making this sound like she is tone deaf. She is, she's narcissistic. She's self-absorbed. So I'm not really sure that those two things match up. But at the same time, the fact that she's reaching out to you and needing you says to me that maybe there's something more underneath this person that you haven't seen yet. And to your, like, you know, in your defense, she hasn't given you reasons to see it because she just talks about herself all the time.

But there might be a scenario here where she feels like she has to do that to fit in or to contribute. And she maybe doesn't know the best way to get close by asking questions, by listening. There are some people who feel like in talking about themselves, that's the way that they're relating to people. Okay. So I guess if you are able to, because neither one of us thinks you should be tapping out. Yeah. In this time where you are going to be there for her, maybe also help her work on communication. And you do that by talking about yourself when you're with her. Hey, can I just talk to you about, I don't know, oh my God, this paper that I'm writing is like really hard and, you know, I'm having a really hard time. And then if she starts talking to you about

herself, that's when you say, hey, I know that, you know, you have this story to tell, but right now what I need from you as my friend is just to hear me vent. Is that okay? That is a perfectly okay thing to say to a friend. Put it out there. Be straightforward. Like, there's nothing more direct than, hey, I really just need you to listen right now. Is that okay? I appreciate it, but can you just listen? Yeah. That feedback was given to me recently. Someone told you that? Because we were in a very, you know, I know somebody who's going through some difficult times and you know me, I'm like the kind of person who's like, okay, why don't we, have you tried this? Have you tried that? I was trying to provide solutions. Right. And she got

really frustrated and she was like, listen, I don't really want to talk about possible solutions right now? I just want to vent. Can you just listen to me vent? And I was like, oh, okay. Like, sorry. Because sometimes you're in this mode. Well, that's so interesting that you bring that up. The company that we work for, Bell, they do this thing called Bell Let's Talk. It's about mental health. The person who's kind of carrying that flame is Clara Hughes. She's an Olympian. Anyways, there was a commercial on the other day and she was talking about mental health. And if you know anybody who is struggling with that, don't tell them what to do. Just be there to listen. And that is so important because so many people, yeah, are like, well do this or like don't

do this. Yeah. Or go do this thing and this will make you feel better. And like the, and it's out of love. Of course. The intention's good. But at the end of the day, like the only takeaway is just to be there to listen. Right. Because that person just wants to, you know, barf up every sad feeling they have that's right um but anyways yes getting back this is not exactly the same thing because this person is like talking about her prowess with linguistics and right whatever right um so i know that's not the same thing like she's not but again it's never a bad thing to just be like hey you know what i just can i just tell you my story or can i just talk this through with you and these are the gentle checks and direct checks that you can give after and after a time if she

doesn't respond then fine she's beyond help and you can like gradually put on a slow freeze down the line we can talk about that later but I don't think tapping out is the answer yeah yeah I I agree with you um and I think that that will that would work for me the only thing the only advice I have is if it's not really about trying to make this friend a better person I think it's for me how I take it is she's going through a fucking hard time the next few months are probably going to be fucking heart-wrenching so just be there listen grind your teeth and once it's all done then you'll figure out how this relationship will unfold. But also the other glimmer of hope is you might potentially grow to like her during this time because you might actually see what

she's really like. And, you know, when she's not talking about French and fucking Arabic, she might be talking about how she really feels, how alone she feels, how sad she feels during this time. So for me, that's the only thing I would focus on. Like, I get what you're saying, they need. I'm just sort of like, I don't know if that, I feel like that's going to complicate stuff and make things feel. I don't know. Like the way I see it is like, why be somewhere without seeing if you can invest something in it? Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. For me, I just feel like there's like this dire time right now and all that should be focused on is just trying to be there for that person without any other ideas of

what you can get or from that person or making them a better person, right? Like, that's the whole idea of that Clara Hughes thing is, like, just shut your fucking mouth and listen to the person. Be there for them. That's it. All right. Well, bottom line, be there. Don't tap out.

Okay. Final question. Hi, Sajan Lainey. What do you do when you want to get married but your partner doesn't? I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years and we have a great relationship for the most part. We live together. We laugh.

We like spending time together and things are good overall. We are as good as married, but I would love to make it official. I want the celebration to look back on. We have already discussed all this and he's fully aware of how I feel, but it's just not something he wants. He was in a long-term relationship for several years before me and he was not married to his ex either. Sometimes he hints that he would do it to make me happy

and sometimes he seems like he really doesn't want to ever. I brought up venues I think he would like. Told him it didn't have to be big or fancy. Told him I didn't care about a big or expensive ring. I actually don't give a fuck about all these details, but nothing yet. I'm just wondering what your thoughts on this are. Is the idea of marriage something I should just let go of? Am I being selfish for kind of pushing it, even though he doesn't?

I don't want to pressure him into anything, but I also don't want to give up something I want. Not sure what to do. Hmm. Was marriage a big deal for you? Was that like a do or die, make or break? Like, would you have been okay? It was, when Jacek proposed, it was a total surprise.

It wasn't on my mind. Okay. So you didn't have this like tick-tock, tick-tock. No, we were only together for like six months at this point. God, I love, don't I love your… Yeah. Six months. He proposed on October 2nd.

He proposed after six months of knowing you? Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. I did not know that. Your relationship surprises me so much. We met in January. Yeah. And we had, and then I only moved to Vancouver in May.

Then he proposed in October. Two months later. Oh, I see what you mean. So about six months. I mean, we met in January, but like we didn't start living together until May. And then he proposed in October. Oh my gosh. You met, you moved in within four months and engaged.

We moved in within 14 days because like we had, it was long distance. So we'd only spent 14 days together in total. That's so crazy. Okay. So yeah, it was very quick and it was a big surprise. So I don't know that I can. Yeah. How about you?

Like, were you, like… I wanted to get… Hey, Kory. Yeah. I was like, let's get a move on on this. Let's make this happen. And he was like, no, I don't really know if I believe in marriage. And I was like, well, we're going to have to believe in marriage if we're together.

And I am, like, more forceful that way, right? Like, and I for sure made him marry me. That doesn't work for everybody. I know that. Right. Because Kory's that type of person. before on this podcast where you're… Yeah.

You, like, make Corey do things because he is… Because I know he will enjoy them afterward. Right. Right? Like, he does… He had the best time at your wedding, I think. Every time I looked at him, he was… Yes.

It's every… Like, it's, like, the same thing. It's, like, Corey, eat this. You will like it. And he's, like, no. And I was, like, trust me, you'll like it. And he will. Yeah.

So, but I… And that's what I've said before in podcasts is, like, I know who I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with someone who is slightly delayed in life choices. So, we're good, right? I know I need to take care of him that way. I don't know about this certain reader and this question because, you know, aren't his feelings just as just as your own, right? Like, she's like, I don't want to get – I want to get married.

He's like, I don't. Like, he gets to feel that way and he is no less wrong or – than she is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I don't know. I don't know what one does here other than to say, like, if it's something that you really want and it's a make or break, then you've kind of got your answer. Well, she said here, we are as good as married.

So this is, I'm assuming that he has committed to you. In every other way. In every other way except the ring and the piece of paper, which she doesn't care about the ring either. She doesn't care about the ring. She doesn't want a big fancy wedding. She, oh, I want the celebration to look back on. That's what you said.

At the end of the day, it's the proclamation that you, this person has said to the world, I love you and nobody else is coming in between us. So she doesn't want it to be big or fancy, but she just wants something. She brought up a few venues he would like. So you want the party. I think that's, I think she's pretending that she wants the party, but what she really wants, for some reason, like lots of us women, is just having that be the seal of the deal. Right.

It means something for some people. It meant something to me. I wouldn't have been okay to just sort of be in just a committed relationship. Right. I wish, I mean, here's another case of, like, I kind of, I want more details. Because even the way that she's describing to it, like I've said, or you've said, is she, I don't know that in the way that you're telling him, if you're telling him the way you've told us, then you're kind of, you kind of have gone backwards and forwards a couple times, right? You're like, hey, I don't want something big and fancy. I just want a celebration to look back on.

Hey, but I don't want a big, expensive wedding. I don't want it to be in fancy, but I've been looking at venues. Right. Yeah. So if you are at all, um, communicating to him the way you're communicating it to us, then I wonder if you haven't been as clear. Like if you haven't like sat down and been like, this is something that I need. Yeah. Um, that will fulfill me. Cause I think that right now it really sounds like maybe you're just kind of like hey hints what about this yeah yeah yeah doesn't this wouldn't be great to have a party here sure right i'm not do you get the same read

from this i think she's trying to not be too pushy with but at the same time kind of being pushy and i don't think um you get much accomplished when you're not being direct yeah i i yeah i i i wonder like i don't know if you've been as direct as you needed to be as i really Do you feel that you care about this more than you're letting on? Yeah. So maybe that is the first step. And let's see where that goes. If it means something, you know.

What did you say here? She said, sometimes he hints that he would do it to make me happy. And sometimes he seems like he really doesn't want to ever. See, all of this is so vague. Yeah, it doesn't seem. Seems and hints and whatever. So I don't know that you guys have really hit this. Yeah, I think you're right.

that's a good call. You really read that properly because yeah, they're both kind of dancing around the issue and not being totally clear with what they want. And that, yeah, with Corey, I was like, you must marry me or we over, right? Like I had to spell it out and maybe you don't have to talk like that. I don't think that we over needs to be added to that, but it can be, it can be Um, just as direct, but not as harsh. Yes. Agreed. Agreed.

But you know best how to communicate with your partner. I mean, Corey obviously needed that, like messages in only five words, must marry now or over. Was that five words? Must marry now or over. Yes. Five words. Maybe you can use a few more words.

Yes. Um, but yeah, I, I just, the both, like both of us just get the sense that you just haven't really addressed it completely directly fully. So address it and then let us know what actually comes from it. Yes. And then we can go from there. Yeah. Great.

I think we're done. All right. Wrap it up. Keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. And check us out on iTunes and Google Play. And, well, you can check me out on Instagram at Lainey Gossip. And Sasha will be on there periodically. Yeah.

Look at all my ugly pictures. But she's also on Twitter. I am. That's true. But I only really ever just promote this podcast, so it's not that interesting. Okay, bye. We'll be right back.