What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Problem Friends

Episode Date: January 31, 2017

Today on the show it’s all about friend dramz! How to make your friend have your back, how to de-leach a friend, and how to fade out a friendship. So if you’ve been listening long enough to this podcast you can bet your bottom dollar Lainey brings her pettiness strategies to the table.Thanks for listening and keep hitting me up with your questions at [e-mail] and of course please check us out on iTunes and Google Play!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. We're going to be upbeat today, right? We are. Lots of sad bullshit, and we are just going to talk with smiles on our faces. It was Chinese New Year this weekend. Yes. Gong hei fa choy. Gong hei fa choy.

And I went to dinner with my parents. We have to talk about this picture because, oh my God, we'll get to this some other time now that I'm on Instagram. But I got to see this picture of this family portrait, and it was so fucking funny. So Jacek and I went out for dinner with my parents and our friend Jess Allen and her partner Simon joined us. And Jess Allen and I worked together on The Social, which is a talk show that I do in Canada, for those of you who aren't in Canada. And Jess is like hilarious and awesome on her own.

And my mother is crazy and my mother. So the two of them together are just like a comedy team. But what's your, your mom's English is, isn't very good. Like she speaks like legit Chinglish, right? Like more. Yes. But like even less than Chinglish. Yes.

Less than Chinglish. So how do her and Jess talk? So somehow they communicate through the heart. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's nice. Jess made her this beautiful plant, wrapped it with mandarin oranges in like a ribbon. And my mother was really pleased about that.

My mother gave them red pockets. Wow. And then my dad and Simon and Jacek talked politics, talked Trump. Right. And then hilariously, you know, Jess at the end tried to pay. No, she didn't. Just, you know, to be polite. To pay for everyone?

No, to like. For her own. She pulled out her wallet. And then my mother was like, no, no, you no pay. And she's like, if you pay, I do not get 10% off. Oh my gosh. It's all about the savings, right? And then, no, I mean, it was, the food was amazing.

Yeah. We had Peking duck. I was just going to ask you, Peking duck. We had this special dish that they do at the restaurant that we like going to that's, there's our dogs again rummaging through their dog bowls. So, sorry, everybody. People know by now. Yeah.

They're loud assholes. Yes. People know that this is a grassroots production. um anyway so we um we they have this special dish at this this restaurant which is like a fried chicken but then it's stuffed like so the chicken picture the chicken is like fucking cut up yeah and then inside it's stuffed with fried rice oh i have never ever seen that oh jesus so you know The thing is, I don't like Chinese chicken. My dad always wants to take me to these chicken places in Vancouver, and they're always so

cold. Well, they're boiled. Typically, the chicken's boiled, and it's cold. I fucking hate Chinese chicken. This is not. Okay. So the skin is crispy. Yeah.

And then again, fried rice is stuffed into the fucking chicken. And it's the kind of rice where, it's the kind of grain that you get in sticky rice, like the wrap. Yeah. And so you have Chinese sausage in there too. It is, like, the craziest best chicken ever. Oh, okay. And then we had some beef and some tofu and some noodles.

I mean, the food just comes and comes and comes. I had told Simon and Jess to pace themselves. Like, when I go for this dinner at this restaurant, I don't eat all day. And the reason I don't eat all day is not because I'm, you know, saving calories or anything. It's because I need room to eat all the food. Yassic, like, barely eats that day because he knows that it's a lot of food. It was great. Well, hopefully you can give me the name of the place because I'd like to go.

Legend. Oh, it's Legend. It's called Legend in Thornhill, Ontario. Yeah. All right. I hope your mom gets a bigger discount now that you've propped them up right now. Anyway, SAG Awards were a couple days ago. Yeah.

You're the fashion person. You're the fashion. You've produced fashion for like a nightly entertainment show. For like a decade. Did you like anything? I am just finding it all really like a bit snoozy. I mean, I think the talk of the town and even on your site was that everyone bowed down to Nicole Kidman because it was fucking rad and so exciting and like so bizarre and cool.

And it just, it was like, it harkened back to the days of like, remember when Charlize Theron would walk on with fucking big bows on her fucking neck? And like there was drama. There used to be so much drama at award shows. You want something to talk about. Yeah. Nothing. And even if it's bad or good, whatever, like something interesting.

I found that it's just all the same bullshit Amy Adams sort of like column dresses. You know, everything's just really plain Jane. So I wish that we could talk longer about it. But I will say that Nicole Kidman was like aces. And that's the thing. Like you have to be, I think that obviously we went bananas over Nicole Kidman's bananas dress. But there are people who are like worst dress.

She's on the worst dress list. It was parrots. Like, what is this dress? Jacek even was like, oh, what the fuck is she wearing? And I'm like, great. If Jacek doesn't like a dress, it means that it's high fashion and couture. So I feel like I judge you. If you're not into that dress, that's a problem.

Well, can I say who my worst was? For sure, for sure. Who? Sofia Vergara. Yes. Did you guys write about her today? Oh, my God. No.

Like, it was so fucking boring. Like, what was that dress? So bad. Strapless? T-length. T-length. And school on the bottom, right? Oh, it was so bad.

Horrible. Anyways. Horrible. But I mean, like, I don't expect much from Sofia Vergara anyway. And even Emma Stone isn't… She's wearing the same silhouette over and over again, don't you find? It's also a yawn fest. Anyway, so hopefully someone will bring their fucking fashion game on Oscar.

Okay, let's bring our advice game. You ready? Okay, here we go. First question. Hey, Sasha, I've got an issue that I've been grappling with for a year now. Last year, I decided to leave my husband after three very unhappy years of marriage. It was a tough decision that is ultimately for the best. Although there was no major blowout after we got separated, he did turn into a bit of

a petty asshole. I tell you this because I need you to understand that during our marriage and in the aftermath of the separation, he did a lot of things that hurt me. And although it wasn't anything dramatic, traumatic, like cheating or physical abuse, it was still hurtful enough that once I was separated, I couldn't wait to move far, far away from him emotionally and start a new life. I was so ready, in fact, that I quickly found and fell in love with a new man after I got separated, and I'm still very happy with him. My issue then has to do with my best friend, Samantha. Samantha and I have been friends since grade school. I'm in my

early 30s now, and I was the maid of honor at her wedding. During the eight years total that my husband and I were together, Samantha and I would frequently get together with our significant others. Very frequently, actually. Samantha's husband, Bob, and I also became very good friends. I felt like this couple were my siblings, not just my friends. My husband didn't get very close to Bob or Samantha over the years we were together. It was always me dragging him out to events. As a result, I got much closer to Bob and Samantha over the years, as well as their extended group of friends than he did. Fast forward to my husband and I getting separated. In the immediate days after I announced the separation, Bob went out of his way to hang out with my husband. The guys in

the group felt sorry for my husband and suddenly they got very close. I felt extremely ostracized by the group. There were plenty of awkward moments when the men in the group would be judgmental or sometimes downright rude to me about the separation and my new relationship. I stopped getting invites to group invites, but my husband still received them. All this hurt, yes, but nothing hurt more than Samantha's role in all of this. Basically, Samantha and I have had many talks over the course of the year where I explained to her that I am hurt that she's spending so much time with my husband. She always brings it back to Bob. She can't go against her husband's wishes because it will cause tension in their relationship. At first, I was juvenile and told Samantha that I

would really prefer if she didn't hang out with my ex at all. Then I realized this would be hard because her husband is indeed friends with my ex now. I just wish she was more vocal and supportive of me. Now our friendship is fractured because, of course, it got awkward, and I told her that I couldn't feel comfortable around her husband now that he's BFF with my ex. It's weird, even weirder because her husband has also been rude about my current relationship in the past,

so I don't feel comfortable around him anymore and that side because we were so close. I haven't seen Samantha in months. I'm always avoiding it because after seeing her, I don't feel good. I feel anxious and weird because she's hanging out with my ex and I feel hurt and betrayed. I don't even know if I have a right to feel this way. So now, Sasha, that I've droned on for a while, can you answer this? Did my best friend choose my ex-husband?

And if so, how can we move past this? Thank you so much, Selena. I don't think Selena is her real name. I hope not. But it's a lovely name. Yes. Okay, Selena. Oh, well, this isn't a nice situation.

for anyone involved actually. I think this is common though like divorce not only do you kind of divide property but friends like this is a real thing. Yeah and it's kind of hard to have people pick and choose it's hard for your friends to pick and choose when you've had this long standing friendship amongst amongst the couples right so like our our writer was with this guy I think, for eight years, she said? Eight years total. They were married for three, and they've been apart for one, and she's with somebody else. Right.

But enough time that everyone's formed a bond. So it's kind of hard to divvy up friendships. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like Samantha, her friend, my feeling is that her friend Samantha's really just kind of stuck in a really shitty place and is trying to do the best she can and could be doing a bit better, but she's trying not to get in the middle of things because that's kind of where you want to be in something like that yeah you know what i mean like you can't be

fucking always like freaking out like at your husband like bob you can't fucking hang out with that fucking dirtbag because we've got selena's back like you can't you can't conjure all that fucking drama up or it's gonna explode in everyone's face yeah i mean i i'm not sensing here that Bob is saying to Samantha, you may never see Selena again. No, but she, he, no. But what's happening here is Bob's like, don't tell me I can't hang out with Selena's ex. That's right. Like we're buds. So I'm like bros before hoes. I'm friends with him and I'm going to keep on hanging out with him. Yeah. Right. And so obviously Samantha can't tell her husband who and who he can not be friends with. But I don't think that, is that fair even for Selena to ask

Samantha to ask Bob to do that. No, no, it's not. So yeah, I'm, I think Selena, I get you. Like I'm again, the pettiest person alive. So if this were to happen to me, 100%, I would expect all my crew to be on my side. Like your OG crew to be on your side. Totally. And there would be an edict. Like I would actually get it laminated and pass it out to all of you. And I would say, these are the motherfucking rules. Yeah. So I get it. I get why you feel that way. It's understandable. But that pettiness that you feel isn't reality. Well, I don't think that in this particular situation, since I guess somehow Bob and the ex got close, it's too late to turn back from that now. Yeah. But what's important is Selena and Samantha. Of course. I don't know that Samantha has said to

Selena that she doesn't want to be your friend. All she said is, I can't stop my husband from being friends with your ex, but I do want to be your friend. Yeah. And I, and I think that that's where hurt feelings and maybe misunderstandings and, and the feeling of rejection and being ostracized is, is starting to weigh heavily on Selena's outlook. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's clouding the vision. She's, she's upset, she's hurt. And I think she wants a little bit more from from her friend Samantha which is fair so what you need to do in those circumstances is not pull away from them not avoid her is to like move in closer lean in into the friendship a bit more and express that this is a really hard time for you and you just need her to step up in these

in these ways and it might be um you know it might not be fair to ask of these things but can she please please please do this because like you you just want to feel safe in this friendship again yeah you know what I mean like sometimes you can beg your friends to be nicer it is like it is weird, though, in the sense of, I mean, I know with us, with our group of friends, more often than not, we hang out just the women. Yep. And once a year or twice a year, if it's like a celebration or birthday or whatever, then everybody will get together with their, like, partners.

Yep. But I do know circles of friends who they always get together with the partners and it becomes, like, couples. right? Like eight different couples. And so when all of that, all of those tentacles are, you know, mashed in together, it's hard to extract. But I guess what you're saying here is that Samantha and Selena can still have a bond. Of course they can. And you can still hang out on your own. And I guess we don't really understand how that works. Like, sure, Selena probably won't be able to go with her new guy out on all those couples nights. No, that is not

possible. But what matters most is what you have just with Samantha. That's worth repairing. Yeah. Agreed. And I think that that should be the focus right now. And less about what Bob says about you and your new boyfriend. Less about what Bob's doing with your ex. Focus your relationship on Samantha. And then once that's figured out, you guys are spending more time, you're bonding together a bit more then who knows maybe Bob maybe you can form another uh side relationship with Bob again but like maybe like that's in the that's in the distant future yeah if if it even happens at all yeah I think the priority here is just getting back on track with Samantha it's hard though friendships are um oftentimes I feel like we prioritize our romantic relationships and we

we kind of take for granted are other friendships and they're just as critical yeah and and in fact a loss of one of those hurts just as much sometimes even more than an actual romantic breakup of course um the other idea here too is that this is i think when when something like this happens you separate from your husband and then you find a new love and kind of you live you start to lead a different life. You can't have what you had before. And I think that's just the carnage and the reality of something that ends, right? As much as we want it to be the same, we've made choices and they're not bad choices, they're good choices, that you just can't have what you had in the past. And sometimes you just have to, well, you don't just have to, you have to realize that that is

what it is. You have to imagine a new reality. And you then put those other pieces back together and salvage what you can. And if you only salvage Samantha, that's fucking huge. But I agree. I think that repairing what's between you and Samantha and reimagining what you and Samantha will be like, one-on-one time together, not in a couple situation, and just existing as friends whose spouses, partners don't hang out,

that's fine too. And that's normal. My God, that's like even more fun. Yeah, fucking ditch the dudes. Okay, next is from… Okay, here we go. Hi, Lainey and Sasha. I'm going to try and make this as condensed and quick to the point.

I have a friend who is the kindest, most supportive girl around. Lots of friend drama today. Yeah. We've known each other well for over 12 years. If I had anything negative to say about her is that maybe she doesn't have much motivation, Hence why she doesn't have a full time job But hey it's her life And it hasn't affected our friendship until now

I've always felt like her bigger sister in a way So when we go out I typically pay for our nights out I'll get the bill for brunch Buy her some drinks after work Thing is she would always usually offer to pay her way But lately she doesn't even attempt to pull out her wallet I feel like my good deed is being taken advantage of What do I do?

What do I say to her? How can I get our friendship back on equal terms? Lillian Okay Lillian Lillian, stop fucking paying for the bill. Like, isn't that that easy? Yeah, Lillian. You're just splitskies.

I get it. You know, it is kind of, I get it when you might feel like, hey, wait a minute, this is not a given. Like, I'm not your bank machine. But at the same time, you conditioned her. Yeah, you set the precedent. So you conditioned her. Like, you're saying here, like, you felt like her big sister and so you got the brunch,

you got the drinks. And so when someone gets used to something, it's very, it's human nature to get used to things, to be accustomed to it. Yeah, especially when they're that good and cushy. So, yeah, this one's a very easy, like I think, sorry, what's the chick's name that wrote? Lillian. Lillian needs to realize that she has played a big part in this, this bad behavior from her friend. What is it called? Enabling? Yeah. Yeah. Enabling her friend to fucking have good times and eat food and drink. And now as simple as you gave it to her, you take it away. And you just, when the bill comes, you're like, oh, okay, I think mine's 17 bucks. And then that's it. Which will then tip off to your friend that she needs to pay her half. Yeah. I mean, that's

just how you're going to have to deal with it. I don't think there should be conversations about it. I mean, if it's bothering you that much, like, you know, if it's bothering you, you haven't mentioned here that it's like cutting into your bottom line. Like, you know, because of all the times that you pay for your friend, you're short on your mortgage or your car payment or whatever. So I'm guessing that when you treat her, which is all the time, that it wasn't like you were taking a hit. But if it's bothering you on principle, then sure.

But I feel like there's also a little bit of like, do you get off on the gratitude? Like you said here that you've always been a little bit of a big sister. Lillian has always been a big sister to this person and it feels good, right? To be somebody's bigger sister, to kind of be their mentor, to kind of be their boss, to kind of be their sugar friend. Yeah, to take care of somebody. And then you kind of expect a thank you, but at a certain point, does that turn into a power imbalance?

Quite possibly. Quite possibly. And you're talking about equality here, but I think that equality, definitely your friend should be more grateful in a certain situation. But I think that you also might want to examine the equality balance from your end. Does it, you know, when you're doing it and then now that you don't feel like you're being thanked for it, is it like, I don't know, I mean, I don't want to use the word control. You're fairly generous.

Do you ever feel like you've been taken… Like, I'm not generous that way. Like, I'm like, let's split that shit. Like, I'll take people for dinner here and there. But, like, you're very generous. Do you ever feel like you've been taken advantage of? No. Oh, that's good.

No, never. Like, I mean, I don't think that I'm… When we go out, I'm not paying for everyone. It's like, if we are hosting, if Jacek and I are hosting something… You're a very good host, yeah. …then 100% we expect that nobody is pulling out their wallets. And everybody's all, like, very gracious and, you know… So that's part of it, though, right?

That's what we were talking about. You like the… The graciousness part of it is part of it. Because if I showed up to your house and I was like, peace, after, like, you've supplied all this stuff, would you be like, oh, that was… She's kind of a fucking snatchy bitch. I think that's different if it's a one-off, though. Like, this is an established pattern.

Sure. Of, you know… I think that if it was… For instance, my best friend Fiona and I don't have any sort of money exchanges back and forth. In fact, if there is any money exchanges, I probably owe her so much for fucking food. Like, when I used to live in Vancouver, she'd live a few blocks away. I'd go over there.

I'd open her fridge and I'd just start eating. And I wouldn't say thank you. In fact, I'd be like, hey, can you pass me the cheese? Hey, can you get more of these crackers? Because you're running low. And when I come next week, they're not going to be there. And, but there is, to me it was because we're like sisters. It was just you give and take in different other ways and there wasn't like a power

thing there. In this case, something about the way this has been described, like the big sisterness and always paying and one person having no motivation, there's enabling. And then I wonder whether or not a little bit there's the imbalance is felt because yes, of course you want to be appreciated, but I want to examine why you keep doing it in the first place. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's interesting. I agree. Well, I mean, why she does it, why she probably started to do it was because she wanted to help her friend out, right? And a lot of the time, like, I know my best friend does really well for herself and she would always… she'll pay because she wants to have this certain kind of fun that comes with certain kind of funds. Yeah.

So she would be like, fuck that. No, we're doing this. I'm paying for this. Let's do it. Because she wanted to do the thing and she wants you to come with her. So maybe this chick is like, well, we're going to dinner because I fucking really want this fucking deliciousness. So you're coming with me and I'm paying for you.

Right? Yeah. Like that's also a thing as well. Like that could be another element of this. Like the places that you guys go. I mean, her price range. That's right. So maybe if that's something that's happening, maybe bring it down a notch where your friend

isn't being, felt like she's being put out. Yeah. But I mean, if it's bothering you so much, then, I mean, the simple answer is stop. Yeah. But, you know, before you stop, let's ask some deeper questions. And you, only you have the answer to that. Yeah. And sorry if, you know.

We're passing the buck over to you. Sorry if we've, or I've accused you of being, like, power hungry. Okay. So, last question. This is a long one. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes.

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Learn more by visiting ACAST.com slash advertise. Hi, Lainey and Sasha. Looking for some tough love here. Okay. Part of me feels sort of gross for what I'm about to complain about to you, but I think I need some perspective and advice. So let's start with some background. I have an old friend of mine.

Let's call her Z. Wow. There is been drama today. I really did not plan this. Okay. Okay, so Z and I have been friends for 15 years. We were friends just after university, both living in a new city, had a ton of fun together through our 20s, and remain total BFFs.

Fast forward 15 years. We both have babies, husbands, busy careers, and are proper adulating. Like, adulting? I don't know what that meant. Adulate? Okay. Anyway, so I'm guessing they're just proper grown-ups. Both of us over the past 15 years have been there for each other through breakups,

moving across the world for our respective careers, but stayed in touch and close, and now have been in the same city for about five years. She's a great person in many ways, but there's always been this sort of thing bugging me in the back of my mind that brings my inner fucking pettiness, and it's gotten worse over the years. A little about me. I'm super organized, and I think respectful of people's time, feelings, and my friendships. I'm very loyal, and I think a good friend.

I'm fun, supportive, but also get that we all have our own lives and children, and sometimes life gets in the way and time can go by and I haven't spoken to my closest peeps in a week or two. I'm also super judgmental and a petty bitch, so please take that into consideration. Well, okay, you're honest. So Z has always been a bit of a flake. Can't commit to shit. Won't commit to plans, going out, getting together, et cetera, until last minute.

She also didn't come to my wedding. She was in a different country, which is fair, but she did come back for her husband's friend's wedding, so that picked my ass a bit. She's missed kids' first birthdays, my birthdays, events. She's been here but cancels last minute or doesn't RSVP no until the last minute when his parent, something better has come up. The latest piss off is that a few months ago she invited us to her family cabin that is way up north.

So it was a weekend getaway. It was going to be great. A few different couples, some with kids, some not. Then she doesn't get back to me for weeks when I ask what's up with the trip. She eventually tells me they've invited another couple which puts us in a fold-out couch in the living room. I'm all about an adventure, but I have two very small kids. They can be assholes to sleep with.

She knows this. Also, the other couple she invited, the dude and I used to date, like, right before my husband. Whoa. We're fine, but it's super awkward. So, yeah, why the fuck would I want to go on a getaway to share a fucking bed with two kids under two years old, my husband and dog, and have to deal with my ex being in my face all weekend?

So, I politely say thanks so much for the invite, but I think we'll have to pass this time after all. Anyway, my point is, she always pulls this shit. The year before she invited us, then I never heard back. Then I see she's updated her Facebook with couples of them away with another couple. And on top of that, she gets all my kid shit because she doesn't want to buy her own shit. Keep in mind, she makes like six figures a year. I'm happy to pass on the goods.

Kid stuff is wasteful. So yes, it's great to be able to recycle, but never even a word of thanks, never a word of any recognition. She'll text asking me if she can have double, triple, blah, blah, blah when I'm done with it. Being her maid of honor was a fucking nightmare as well. Let's say, wow. Okay, well, girl just needs to vent at this point, so let's keep going.

Let's just say I got a detailed email of how she wanted her stagette to go, like a detailed bulleted document on what was not allowed and what was allowed, down to the type of rental property we stayed in, types of restaurants she wanted to visit, what cities were a no-go, had to be a destination, had to incorporate a certain theme, not to mention the 10K we had to drop to participate in the fucking wedding. The more I type and reread, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with her? But what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not sure how to deal with this.

It seems like a very one-sided friendship. That is on her terms, and I'm sort of fed up with it, but then we will have the odd night where we get together and have a bit too much wine, and it's all so great. I'm at an age and time in my life where I just don't have time for this shit anymore. I feel like my tolerance for people's bullshit has gotten less, and honestly, my relationships are so important to me. Being a mom, working a very demanding career,

so I look forward to the girl time, and it honestly really upsets me that she's so thoughtless, but I'm not sure how to address it without sounding like a whiny, needy bitch. I get that we all have our stuff and I'm sure she has some issues with me, but out of all my flaws, and believe me, I have many, I don't think any of mine are fatal. I generally think I'm a good person and try hard not to be an asshole generally. So Sasha and Lainey, if this were you, how would you deal with it? From yours in pettiness, TK.

All right, TK. Wow. TK, well, fuck. I hope that made you feel good typing that shit out because… And having it read aloud. Yeah, it sounded… Like I feel cleansed. Yeah, I really did too.

I feel like, well, I don't know. I mean, have you ever had a friend, like this rings true for me for some friendships that I've had in the past. And I think what's interesting is you just have to figure out at a certain point if you're willing to take the bad with the good. Do you know what I mean? Like sometimes at this point you just have to accept your friend for who they are. If they're a flaky fucking, I don't know, the long laundry list of shit that she just

said about her friend if that stuff outweighs the fun good drinking nights then yeah like I don't necessarily know if this is like your ride or die friend it doesn't sound like you're supremely happy with where it's at or where it's been for the last couple of years um do you know what I mean by that like I just I think you just have to figure out if this is a friendship that you want to like does this friendship make you happy at the end of the day having all that laundry list of bullshit, still do you want to be friends with her? Yeah. I mean, do you, how much is it taking out of your life? I mean, I guess what my question is, is that you want us to tell you what you should do about this. And I'm going to ask you, how much energy do you want to put into fixing

this? It sounds like a lot of energy would have to go. Like, how do you even, how do you even confront your friend about something like that? Yeah. Like, you might as well fucking set fire to the friendship at this point if you ever think you're going to bring up any of this. I mean, exactly. And I'm not sure what there is to change. Like, you know, in terms of the trip to the cabin, okay, well, another couple was going, so you bailed. And like, great, go and have the end. But I mean, like, yes, then you had a wasted weekend. You could have made other plans that weekend. It could have been something else. And I get that. But I think that like maybe just a change in perspective or procedure with this particular friend will do the trick.

And expectation. That's the truth. Like don't expect much from this friendship or from this girl. Do you know what I mean? Like you know all her flaws. They're not miraculously one day going to fucking change. So don't think that you are going to get anything higher than what she has delivered to you consistently. Right. Like, you know what you're fucking dealing with. Exactly. Don't play your game accordingly. So your game now is going to be you're never spending the weekend away at the cabin with this friend. Like, never say yes. Any invitation for trips and cabins you've learned your lesson be smart about it so what what is that expression like the first time is you second came on me whatever so now you've you've you've figured

it out so anytime like an out-of-town cabin invitation comes in no not happening not happening so make that a rule um because you know right now i want to help her with practical like sure you know actionable things so never commit to out of town with this person ever as for like the taking of your baby clothes well as you said like you need to get rid of them anyway it's recycled that there's no that there is no yeah i don't think there's any downside she doesn't thank you for it well like think of it as like oh great like you would you you have someone to take like the things you don't want anymore so i think that's just a tweak of perspective and then like the occasional girls night that you have drinking well if they when they happen great

but clearly those are the nights where you don't have to put a lot of planning into it exactly and you you reap the benefits from that part of the friendship you have a lot of fun when it's just you and her shooting the shit drinking so just keep those as your isolated parts of the friendship and then all the other bullshit yeah you know what's up so just don't fucking don't just don't go there with her. And like for, like, like for events or plans that require advanced notice. Always have a B plan. No, like, so she, she's saying that this person doesn't RSVP until the last minute and whatever. I was talking about the flakiness. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so for those things, well, I mean like, yeah, put her on the list, but like make, look at it as like, I don't

know, whatever. If you come, you come, if you don't, whatever. Like big deal. I think that sometimes with with these kinds of things I don't know that you want a big confrontation because what's it gonna accomplish like are you gonna really gonna drag up like oh my god you were such a fucking cunt for your wedding and the stag get and whatever no you can't do that sorry no all of this anything that she would bring up would exactly be like you're a horrible person yes so now it's about you're not really doing the slide away you're kind of just changing the terms Because think of your friendship as a contract, and you are suddenly changing the terms in the contract without having to inform her.

And she won't give a fuck. No. It won't even phase her. That's what the great part about this is. Like, as long as you don't have any, like, brewing bitchiness towards her whilst doing this. Yeah. But if you do this with, like, a straight head, know what you want out of it, only check

off the parts of the friendship that you like, then she fucking won't know about it. No. She'll be, like, still flaky and fucking whatever. You have to have hard limits. Like, again, no away trips. And with the, you know, parties and RSVPing, you'd be like, hey, I haven't heard from you. Assuming you're not coming, so giving your spot to somebody else. Hi, have fun.

Bye. That's a hard limit. Yeah. That is a hard limit. Nobody can fault you for that. Hey, I've been leaving this space open for you. The RSVP is today. I haven't heard from you.

I can't hold it. Thanks. Later. Later. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do we dare take a page from Donald Trump and be like, not America first, but you first? You know what I mean? Like she kind of has to take a little bit of that kind of attitude,

which is just like, you want to take care of how you feel in this friendship. It's really interesting about like friendships like this because she's described herself as a no-nonsense person. She's so fucking organized and she sees her own flaws. She's like, I'm petty. I can be this. I can be judgmental. And yet, even the strongest people and the most organized people and the most, the people who get it together the most have that one person in their life who just is, steps all over them.

But everyone, doesn't everyone have a friend like that? A friend who steps all over you? Yeah, like one time, one moment in their life. Have they not, have you not all experienced that? I feel like everyone has. I think that, yes, but at a certain point in your life, you kind of either edit those people out or you redefine their level of friendship in your life. Totally.

So that's what you're doing. You are re… You're re-ranking this friend. Yes. You're demoting this friend. This friend has gone from an A, put her down to a C. Yeah. Yeah.

Pettiness has spoke, man. the master of pettiness has just answered your question. I mean, God, there's nothing I love more than ranking and grading people. I did not know that. Okay. So she's a C. You put your friend down to a C, C plus. Okay. Yeah. Congratulations. Don't send her a note like in your head. Like, but that might be fun. If you are a petty person and it sounds like you are, you're just like me, this is a really fun game to play. Like whenever you say hi to her or you see her or she calls you be like, oh, my friend ranked a C is calling me. But you're such a fun game to play in your head.

Your pettiness has to be genuine, right? This is part of it though. Like you are making these demotions, these contract changes out of purity, like because it's going to help you. You're not doing it out of spite because I think that is what is the differentiating thing that's going to make her break this continuing of the friendship. Do you know what I mean? she has to have, she has to be genuine about these feelings. This is, yes. Okay. This is the

best thing to do for you. It doesn't mean, but my point is that it's the best thing and you can have some fun with it. Sure. Okay. Like there's nothing more fun. Like go look at a picture and if you want, you know, do you, can you on iPhone grade? Like, you know, if you have, I don't know what you're going to ask me, but I feel like the answer is going to be no. You can't grade people. In your head, think of her as a C, a C friend, not an A friend. And I really think that, I really think this will be fun and enjoyable for you. I think the other side of this is it is kind of sad and kind of a bummer that your friend can't step up the way you want her to.

For me, I would feel sad about it. Lainey, you would feel like this was fun. But I feel, I feel, I feel our writer's pain. Like it sucks when you come to… I don't think she has pain. She has frustration. Yeah, but that frustration is fucking annoying and sad when you realize, oh my God, my friend kind of sucks and she's not that great of a friend.

It kind of, it's sad. No? I feel like she, like it's less sadness here than she needed a release. Okay. Yeah. Well, fuck. She definitely fucking splooged out her feelings for sure. Yeah, exactly.

So here's release by ranking. Have fun. Bye. Keep your questions coming to Sasha at LadyGossip.com. And check us out on iTunes and Google Play. See you next week. Bye. Bye.

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