What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Two Cheats and Happily Single

Episode Date: April 26, 2016

The questions keep on coming and God, you guys are dishing the drama. We love it!On this week's podcast: a cheating friend deals with guilt, an emotionally cheating husband and whether or not to confront the devil, and a chick who wants to live the single life. Enjoy!Check out all our podcasts on iTunes and keep your questions coming to me at [e-mail]. And of course visit www.laineygossip.com for all your entertainment gossip and fashion needs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting Acast.com slash advertise. Hi, this is Lainey, and this is the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. Hey, Sasha. Hi, how's it going? Well, we are 24 hours away from...

Oh, Jesus Christ, we're doing this again. yes uh yeah we are 24 hours away from lemonade by the time everybody listens to this we will know what lemonade is but i'm in a space right now where i don't know what it is i don't either i is it i was listening like is it watermelon like you know how yes i like drunken love yeah i i don't know, but I do know she's been giving us hints for months. That's why Beyonce is Beyonce because, you know, she's been leading us to this. She's been leading us on this journey to lemonade, to lemonade. And I mean, it's gotta be real good. It's going to be an hour. Yes. Um, for sure. Are we doing a viewing party? Um, I don't know. Are we doing a viewing

party like what are you doing i i'm not doing anything all i know is that at 9 p.m on saturday april 23rd 2016 you're in lockdown i'm with beyonce i i've already told yasik i said to him you know that night if you so much as breathe in my direction i don't want you to talk to me about your fucking golf i don't want to hear about the fucking hockey i don't want to hear about anything. If Barney or Elvis do anything cute, you better fucking videotape it because I don't want to hear it. Okay. Yes. I know how serious you are. Are you going to, did you buy any of that Ivy Park stuff or no? Cause you're usually a sucker for that stuff too. Thought about it. I put it in a cart, an online cart. I'm not going to do it. And then in love with it. So

I had it on the, in the online cart. I was about to click pay. And then I was like, I'm returning all this stuff i i just i don't know i want to wait for our beyonce concert merch that's gonna be i think so there was just a good stuff it's not that oh god i i didn't even i hope it didn't come sacrilege that what you just what i know shit um it's i just there was something that i needed i think i need to hear things before i can attach them with items of i sound like a fucking idiot. Yes. We should stop. We should stop. We should stop. I feel like I need to hear a song and have a song before I can attach it to an item. That's collaborated with the item of clothing, right? Yeah. Anyway, so now that I've established that I'm a fucking idiot,

how was your week? My week was fine. I have nothing really to report. I'm not counting down Beyonce days, but I'm with you. I will be there tomorrow in spirit if I'm not on your couch. And I should mention that our dogs, my dogs are playing right now. So if there's an occasional bark or squeak or whatever, we apologize. But deal with it because we're dealing with it. We record this podcast at home. And yeah. Okay.

So shall we? We shall. Okay. You're reading this week. I am reading this week. So first question, dear Sasha, I need your help and this may all sound dumb, but I don't know what to really do or say. The quick and short of it is I have done something horrible.

I kissed my best friend's boyfriend. I don't know why I did it. I don't even find him attractive, but we found ourselves in a drunken situation and I hate to say it, but one thing led to another and our tongues were down each other's throats. We have talked about it since and both agreed that it was so dumb and we are not even attracted to each other We have agreed to not tell her but I feel like i'm going to die if I don't tell her I feel like a shitty horrible person who should suffer for this But I don't know if telling her would do anything but make things worse. Please don't judge me. I just need advice jay

Okay, jay well She doesn't want to be judged, but I do think that Jay needs some tough words. Yes. Fair? Yeah. I love me some tough love. But you know what's actually quite refreshing is that Jay is judging herself, which I think

is important. I feel like she really does need to feel bad. I think she does need to feel like a shitty friend because the one thing, oh, the one thing you don't do is betray your friend, whether that's in any circumstance. That is the one thing that you need to hold true in a friendship and honesty, respect, and to have your friends back. And the fact that you did that, oh, it just saddens me. It saddens me because typically I like to put myself in the reader's shoes and just kind of understand where they're coming from. I don't understand this. And it's not that I'm like a better person or anything. I just would never,

ever, that would never, ever cross my mind to do. I could never stomach it. I could never live with myself. So I, Jay, I want you to kind of, I want you to suffer. I want you to feel the pain because you deserve to feel like shit right now. Yeah. I can't argue. Like I, I have, um, I have nothing to add to that. You said everything that I would want to say. Um, and now the question is what should Jay do? Should she disclose? Should she not disclose? You know, would you, should Jay tell her best friend? Yes, because the other part of friendship is being honest. And I know that there are some people who would just say, oh, it's a kiss. It didn't mean anything. But I feel like it's her friend's decision to make. Not only to make about whether she wants to continue this

friendship, but also just as a friend, you should give your friend a heads up that, hey, you're also dating a real shade fucker too. You know what I mean? Like it's not the best friend that betrayed her, but the boyfriend, she has two people in her lives that just fucking heat scored the shit behind her back. So as a friend, if you're not even going to talk, like just not even talking about her own shadiness, you got to tell your friend the truth about the guy she's dating. Yeah. I know that there are some people who think that, um, and this would be a different situation, but let's say that there's a married couple and one of those people steps out and it's just one time. There are some people who their advice, and I've heard other, you know, perspectives

on this, they would say, don't tell your husband and wife if it's just one time, because actually, you know, the hurt that you level on your spouse and that betrayal is going to be so much worse. And there are some people who believe that, um, the ones who come forward and are like, um, revealing and confessing that it's actually absolution for them, you know, in, in a weird way, it turns around, um, they're kind of relieving themselves of guilt so they don't have to carry around and they're transferring it. And that's kind of unfair too. However, I don't know that this is that situation because Jay has information about herself and the betrayal that she committed. But as you said, Sasha, Jay also has information about this guy. And if your best friend is dating

a guy who got drunk and kissed the best friend, could he get drunk and kiss somebody else? Yes, probably. Who isn't the best friend and wouldn't have that information, that critical information to be able to share with the best friend and be like, hey, watch yourself. So that's where this is fucked and complicated and tricky, right? So, Jay, I think if you're asking what to do, it's to talk to your best friend, have that, you know, difficult conversation, and I'd barf up the truth to her and let whatever happens, happens. Accept. Yeah.

You might not be friends with her anymore. For some time. Yep. Or forever. But that's the price you pay for making a dumb mistake like this. Yeah. And then I feel like if she is gracious enough to forgive, she might have conditions. And some of those conditions might be, I don't want you to be around my boyfriend anymore.

And that's also another thing. Another reality is she might pick the boyfriend over you. Sometimes that happens. And that will hurt as well. My hope is that, yeah, that you guys can be friends again. and that she sees this as just a mistake that she can move past. And if that is the case, I'm very happy for you. But I do think that the reality, the possible reality here is that there will be a strain

in your relationship. She does need to know though. Yes. Because like who knows what this guy is doing with anybody else when he's drunk. Yeah. Okay. Let's move on. Yes.

Next. Hi, Sasha. My husband and I have been together for 15 plus years, married for 10. We've always had a very solid relationship. Last year around this time, I was flailing, trying to make life work with two kids, one not even a year old, a full-time job, and a husband who was working a lot more hours at a new job. I was out of whack and feeling like shit.

On the subject of my husband working more, I was uneasy about a woman with whom he worked. She was one of the only women in this male-dominated job and a self-identified guy's girl. She'd be considered attractive to a lot of men, big fake tits, and was pretty vocal about how unhappy she was with her husband. She also had a bit of a history of liking co-workers. My husband told me all of this before our own drama went down. I met her a few times and she was fine. I even danced with her at a party and we had some fun.

but the last time I saw her in person she couldn't meet my eyes. I knew something was up and long story not as long I discovered a shady texting and phone call situation between my husband and her. It wasn't anything overt but my intuition kicked in. He finally admitted there was a mutual attraction and his ass got kicked out to a hotel for a few nights. Well I just I have to take a break here because this is really intense and I feel for this person. Yes. During our short break, which I briefly considered making much longer, he and I talked a lot. He told me they had been flirtatious, but no touching or kissing or anything like that, not even lunch or dinner together. However, they would spend time in her office talking and sexual references were made,

mostly regarding her voluptuous body or how hot my husband is and he is hot. He said he basically got off on the ego boost and I admittedly was far from providing that at the time. They had cut the flirting off. My dog is drinking water right now. They had cut the flirting off before I found the texts. His guilt even registered physically. He lost weight he didn't need to lose, but my world was rocked. Fast forward to a year later and my husband and I are in a good place. We've been vulnerable with one another and it's opened up another dimension to our relationship on many levels. Wink, wink. With one exception. I hate her. I really don't hate many people, but I hold some serious hate in my heart for this woman. Admittedly, the hate is

likely exacerbated by my overall dislike of self-proclaimed guys-girls, as my experience with these types of women is that they're really all about male attention and see other women as threats. I mean, I have several true guy friends, but I would never call myself a guys-girl. But I digress. While I know it's 100% on my husband to have the responsibility for protecting our relationship, and he didn't, I want her to have to look me in the eyes again at some point. We haven't seen each other since I found this out. She's easily avoided if I want to avoid her. My head is telling me just never see her again. Let it go. Be the bigger person. She's a non-issue that exists outside of my marriage. However, my heart and buried down

deep diva bitch who doesn't come out much is telling me I need to see her even just once. face the monster, if you will. Thanks. And she calls herself work in progress. So let's call her. I love work in progress. She sounds like she's got her shit together. Like why does she need us? Work in progress. Would you give her a great name for someone who's a work in progress? Like what's your favorite name in the world? Oh, I don't know. I'm not Duanna. Beyonce? Beyonce. No, we can't give her Beyonce. Okay. Work in progress. Um, it starts with W. So I'm just going to call you Wanda. Okay. I love the name Wanda. Fish called Wanda. I love that movie. Um, okay. Wanda. Uh, Wanda. I, uh, I love this email because we talked a few episodes ago about

the fact that marriage is long and it requires a lot of work. And in that long, hard work, there are bumps in a marriage and sometimes some dark months, dark years even. And you have to accept that in those times, there is attraction to other people. That's only natural. It's our choices with what we do with that attraction and then how we communicate and work together through it and how we hopefully can turn it into a positive to strengthen our relationships. And they've done that, which is so rare, but they've obviously done the work, which is so refreshing to hear. Um, but we got to focus in on this woman.

Yeah. Um, I, for me, I think the biggest revenge is not giving a shit. You know, when you can walk into a room and let's say she sees this chick in a work function, the best revenge is the chemistry that she will have with her husband. I don't even think she should give her, this other chick with big tits, like even a minute of thought anymore. Because when you've truly moved on, that person is released. They're no longer a shadow in your life.

Um, so I, I really do think as much as her inner bitch wants to fucking roar in this woman's face, um, I, I would always choose give and shade. Yeah. I, I feel like, I think, I think that, um, her, like Wanda's compulsion to get back at this woman, the guy's girl, which we should talk about. the guys girl thing in a minute but that but it's related to the whole guys girl thing i feel like the compulsion too is when these things happen to us we not only carry our own resentment and our own you know fucking i want to put a fist through that bitch's face but all women do you know what i mean you kind of carry it for all women like i remember um here's a story do you remember when Sandra Bullock that happened to her with Jesse James which was like horrifying fucking remember you had to interview I'm getting there right yeah so like so I you know that thing happened

to Sandra Bullock who and then he's fucking cheating on her with like everybody including that woman um Bombshell McGee right Michelle Bombshell McGee and Sandra Bullock was like I'm taking the high road and never trashed, dragged, never dragged or trashed him at all. Didn't drag any of those women was like classier than any of us would ever fucking be. Let's face it. Yes. Because if, you know, if your husband did that to you or my husband did that to me, I swear to God, I feel like all of us would collectively band together and knock some

fucking balls out. I want to ruin that chick's life. You know what I mean? And so Sandra was so classy about it. And then that Michelle Bombshell McGee was like doing press afterwards. I feel, oh no, she was hired by Ashley Madison to do press and I had to interview her. My heart went out to you for that one. The interview kind of like went viral if you want.

I mean, back in the day, like a lot of other media outlets picked it up and some people were critical of our decision, our show's decision to interview her and, you know, to go there and, you know, open up this conversation. and I remember at the time somebody asking, why did you do that? And I was like, you know what, in a way, cause I really went hard in on Michelle. I asked her tough questions and you could see on my face that I, you were angry. I was angry. And I was like, you know, why did you do that? Why did you cheat on her? Like, you know, are you a racist? Like all that kind of shit. Right. Like I was like, you laid it out there. Do you think Sandra Bullock knows you because of that? Oh,

I don't, I don't think so. Um, but my point is, is that when someone asked me afterwards, why did you do that? You know, my, the reason why was because I felt like there was this, you want to defend women. You want to defend someone like Sandra Bullock. You can put yourself in her position. You can easily imagine yourself and you want to step up and get that out because she was too classy to do it. So I do understand Wanda, you know, wanting to just on fucking low, take a goddamn fucking dump wide up in that woman's mouth and like, be like, eat my fucking shit. But, and, and, and that's instinctual. And that totally, and all those feelings like wrapped up in guys, girls, like we all know, you know, guys, girls, but before I get into,

you know, what I think you should do, Wanda, I also just want to say that since you've come on, since you've come out the other side really good, maybe you could, you might be in a place to understand that oftentimes guys, girls are that way because they haven't been shown good examples by girls, girls. Strong women. Yeah. And in many cases, I have met women who have been marginalized, mistreated, and disrespected by other women. And they've been conditioned to believe that female friendships are not supportive and catty. And that makes me sad. So I'm not asking you to have compassion for her. I'm just asking you to have another perspective about guys, girls, maybe. Exactly. And I also think that, yeah, as you're saying, you're dealing this, and I don't know

this other chick, and it's easy to absorb your hate and project it onto her. But she's probably, as you said, like guys, girls are typically insecure. They're always running for someone else's attention. They are not fulfilled with themselves. And so if you know those nuggets of truth, then you don't need to give that any energy. So for me, I just go back to what I was saying earlier, which is when you've really moved on, that is the biggest payback. And it's just as easy as that. And I do think our reader, while she's conflicted and has those natural feelings of wanting to fucking, yeah, dump in this chick's face, take the high road. Take the high road, because that is the ultimate smackdown. I agree with you about taking, like, you know,

not necessarily taking the high road, but not engaging. I will say this, though. I mean, yeah, don't go out of your way and see her, but how about this as a suggestion? Never, ever, ever initiate any contact. As Sasha said, 100%, you don't need to be asking for a face-to-face. You don't need to be seeking her out. That said, she still does work with your husband and there may be occasions- Where there'll be run-ins. Where they'll be running. The office Christmas party, somebody's going away party, a wedding. In those cases, you know, that's not Wanda using up any energy. I mean, Wanda would go to the office Christmas party anyway. Wanda, but please, Wanda, for me, maybe not Sasha, maybe Sasha doesn't

care, just do for me, write me and I need to consult on your dress. I fucking need to consult on your shoes. I need to consult on your hair, on your makeup. I need to make sure that you are supported in every way possible by Laney Gossip to look like, foin, foin, like F-O-I-N-E. You need to look like I, you know, you need to be looking like, I just want you to have that. I want you to have that. And I want you to have the best night because you have, oh my God, you've worked on your relationship and you're going to this Christmas party or this wedding or whatever. Oh, and you're wearing like the best dress. I, yes, I need to be the consultant on that. Please, Wanda. So is that okay, Sasha? Yes. We will send pictures, send outfit options when that

day comes. Oh yeah. We will fucking Skype, FaceTime, like all that fucking shit. Cause like I am so down for that, but you're not initiating it. You're just going. Yes. Yeah. Is that good? I think that's great. Okay. Wanda, we really love you. Wanda. Oh, God. We really do.

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Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I've been reading, listening to Sasha answers for years. love every single question and every answer thank you your sex and body positivity opinions on feminism rights and rights okay so this is just compliments for us okay so we just that's just yeah we don't yeah we're asian we just we'd rather be like shamed and like we don't like we don't need the nice things keep on going get to the good stuff so there is one thing though i can't shake off whenever you tackle questions where a guy is a cheat an asshole an idiot too many you very rightly advise the reader writer to put pause on the relationship and, for some reason, always add

that she deserves and will meet a better match. I've been on my own without a man. I have a six year old daughter and I hope to adopt another child for four years now. I'm 37, a single parent, all my friends are married and have kids too. None of us goes to places with a finding a boyfriend potential anymore. No chance of meeting anyone at work either. I've been battling an autoimmune disorder and can't hold up a job. Even when I get better, I'm not sure I want to do anything that would require time away from my daughter as I nearly died last year and I now think I never wish to miss a second of her growing up. I am a fucking great mother by the way. I do leave home of course and even travel, but it's always with my child. On the rare occasion I do meet someone new,

they are all in steady relationships already. We're at that age. I have a family, a few good friends, and if I want, I know I can have a lover. I am just too tired most of the time. In my own mind, I have accepted and been feeling rather content with the prospect of not having a man. However, every single person around me makes it their job to be vocal about this and shake my feelings. It's okay if you grow old on your own. It's okay if you come home to an empty home. or is it really not? Because if it's not, what should I do? Is everyone scared of the single future? Marina, if you ever wondered how far your base stretches, I am Russian. Wow. Hey, Marina in Russia. And thank you for setting us straight because that is true. I mean,

I have the tendency to do that, to say, don't worry, you'll find someone better because I believe that if you want to find someone, you'll go on that mission to find someone and ideally a better person than the cheat, than the liar, than the asshole. Having said that, I know a lot of people in their late 30s, in their 40s who are single and are happy and don't need a man, don't want a man or have dated enough that they're good. And so something that just pops in my head now that's similar. Like I feel your pain in that way of the judgment is when I was trying to have a kid and that just didn't work. And you know, that's still something that I'm dealing with. And the pressure that you feel from everybody, when are you going to have a kid? Why

are you going to, you know, it's the same thing as when are you going to get married? Have you met someone? Um, so I totally understand that. And what has, what's been really helpful for me is knowing that if I never have a child, like the same way as if you never find a husband, you'll be okay. You know what I mean? I'm fine now. I've gone through, I've figured out what my life would look like if I don't ever procreate. And I will be okay. And my life will go on and I will create other dreams, other loves that I can invest in. So I just sort of, I feel where you're coming from when you feel that outside pressure. But if that's your reality and you're healthy and you have a wonderful child, then you're good. Like you have all the aces in

life if you're happy now. Yeah. I mean, I think that... It doesn't seem like she wants... It doesn't seem like she's looking for someone. You're good. You're good. Marina, I think that for the people who, when we give them advice and we say, hey, there's someone out there who's better for you. It's because what they're projecting to us is that they do want to be part of a relationship. But if what we're hearing from somebody straight up is like, you, I'm happy. I love my kid. I'm always with my kid. I don't have time. I'm tired. Then yeah, you do you. Like we are not at the end of this podcast going to be saying, Marina, you'll find someone better. Um, having said that, I think though that what, when your friends or, you know, whoever wants to

say to you like, oh, you know, you should find someone else. There is like the motivation there because they're worried that you'll be lonely because your kid, like, you know, when your, your kids, when kids don't need you anymore, then what, right? Like right now, a lot of what you're saying is, I'm really busy with my kids. So when your kids get older, your current child and your future child, as long as you have, you're going to have that contentment. But who's to say that if you had a partner, that partner wouldn't kick the fucking bucket? Yeah. True. I'm just saying what the motivation is. You know what I mean? Well, your friends, when they say that, they're only saying it because they care about you. Exactly. They're not trying to do it to shame

Exactly. So I just wanted to give you, you know, an alternative perspective on why they might be worried about you asking that. And I know, too, that from personal experience, that's what, you know, I get a lot of that because I've made it a personal choice with Jacek that we're not going to have any kids. And so one of the things that comes back to us is, what if you're going to be lonely? Who's going to look after you when you're older? All that. So underneath that, it comes from a place of concern, right? Yeah. So yeah, I would just, I just want you to look at it that way instead of being like,

you know, as an option for being annoyed with nosy fucking people who know it all and whatnot, blah, blah, blah. That said, I also, if you're interested, would like to recommend a book. um i recently had the opportunity to interview this author her name is rebecca traster that's t-r-a-i-s-t-e-r and the book is called all the single ladies unmarried women and the rise of an independent nation so rebecca has written a book she's researched the fuck out of it and she has looked at historically the impact of single women on society and what they've been able to do through history and what that impact is right now. There's a growing number of women

who are just like you, Marina, who are choosing to be single, who are choosing not to be in relationships. And they are wielding more economical and political power than ever before. In fact, they're saying that in the upcoming United States election, 25% of the vote up to 25% of the vote will come from single women. And these single women look different. They could be 20-year-old single women who are still in college. They could be like Marina, who are in their 30s, early 40s, have a family, don't have a partner. But all of these women are rising to become a nation that's changing the face of society. So Marina, I would encourage you to read this book. I think it's going to be really empowering for you. So interesting. And there's a chapter in

the book that's directly related to, I don't know if you watch Grey's Anatomy, but there's a chapter in this book directly related to female friendships and how your closest best friend and your female friendships are almost supplanting the need for like a conventional partnership, man, man, woman, whatever, whatever. And it's true. Like we have talked so many times in this podcast about how I have said so many times that my best friends, you are just as important to me as Jacek. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like Joanna, like Jacek is not the most important person in my life because without you and without Fiona and without Joanna, I would be unhappy. Um, so Marina read that. Cause I think that that's going to really help your perspective and you know, you'll feel

a sense of community. And set you on your path too. Yeah. You'll feel a sense of community and I think you're really going to get a lot out of this book. So All the Single Ladies,

The Rise of an Independent Nation by Rebecca Traister. And let us know what you think of that. You should read it too. It's so good. It sounds amazing. All right.

Well, I think that's it for our podcast. Thanks for everyone writing in and keep your questions coming at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. And check us out on iTunes and don't forget

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