What's Your Drama - Sasha Answers: Women vs Women

Episode Date: March 14, 2017

Welcome back to this week's Sasha Answers podcast!On today's show we tackle why women can be so judgey to each other, how to de-escalate a dangerous relationship, and how to hang with your rich friends.It's another good one! And of course please join in on the converstations by emailing me at [e-mail] or tweet us at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip.Thanks so much again for tuning in and keep your questions coming to me! And check us out on iTunes and Google Play and let us know what you think in the reviews section.S.xx  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you keep hearing podcast ads, like this one for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise. Hi, this is Lainey and welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast with Sasha Answers. Hi, Sasha. Hi, how are you? Well, I'm better than you. I know. I feel like an old,

old person. I pulled my back. You walked into my house like a dark cloud. It was really, I mean, your movements were so slow. Yeah. I have never had a back pain like this before, but it was all thanks to... My favorite is the reason why you have back pain, so please share it. It's all due to the moves and grooves of Tiana Taylor and her workout video. I never, I,

it's the second day and there's like this weird jabby shoulder back and forth zigzag movement she does and I was giving her and I guess I gave her too much because I'm in so much fucking pain

because there's no, what's, so if anyone is interested into her fade to fit program, you've seen it, right? Yes. So it's all basically like kind of dirty

dance choreography and like some boxing. Anyways, it's good, but there's no warm up or cool down and there's literally no heads up on what you're going to do. All of a sudden the video starts and you're in the routine. Like she doesn't tell you, okay, we're going to do some like punching or like we're going to do some sidekicks or oh, you're going to twerk your ass back to the fucking moon and back for about 20 minutes. You don't do anything but just look and just you have to do it right away. So I think that that's like the only downfall, hence why I'm in so much fucking goddamn pain. Okay. But if any of you out there have seen like Tiana Taylor's body and videos, this is what the motivation for Sasha is. Yes. Her body is next level. Sickening. Now,

was she not the one who was Rihanna's lookalike and was hanging out with Chris Brown after Rihanna and him broke up? I remember Tiana Taylor going to a basketball game with Chris Brown. Do you Remember this? This is where I feel like… Yeah. And then I feel like that's how I first became aware of Tiana Taylor. And then she went away for a while. Like, there was no…

I mean, I wasn't feeling like she was out there in the public consciousness. And then all of a sudden, Kanye. And then Kanye. Yeah. Although, granted, I may just not have been looking at the right places. Yeah. But that's sort of where I see how it's connecting. And then, of course, Kanye, and we're all like, okay, who is this person?

Oh, that video was fucking… Holy… Dementedly crazy. …fucking shit. I remember watching it. We were downstairs in the basement. Jacek was watching. It was the VMAs, right?

Mm-hmm. And the video comes on, and at first he, you know, he's like, oh, video, I'm not going to pay attention. And then it went on, like, you know, within five seconds he was like, I like this video very much. Yeah, of course, of course. He what? What? He pre-me'd? What's a pre-me?

Like premature ejaculation is what he's talking about. Ew, that's so gross. He pre-me'd. Like within, yeah, by the 30 second mark, he was like, let's rewind this video. Let's, yeah, it was. It is crazy. Yeah, it's insane. Hence why I want her body. Well, you know, nothing comes easy. No.

So I look forward to seeing you sweaty. My six pack's going to be on fire. And writhing in about what, six weeks? Yes, exactly six weeks. I'll be prime. Can't wait. Can't wait. It'll be spring.

All right. Ready? Yes. Okay. So, first question. Good day, Sasha and Lainey. Good day to you. My question is this.

Why are some women such harsh judges of other women? Background. I was married for 30 years. We met in high school. Married as high school sweethearts. We have four boys. We had a happy, successful marriage. He, let's call him E, had an affair in our 21st year of marriage.

We were busy, both working and juggling a young family. I knew something wasn't quite right, so I just asked him, are you seeing someone else? He admitted he was having an affair. He then moved out of the family home for nine months with her. With conversations with friends about infidelity, I, like many women, understand that if my husband was unfaithful, that would be it. It would be over. Once a cheater, always a cheater, etc.

We had lots of counseling together and separately. My husband and I talked about what happened a lot. I needed details. I know this is not for everyone to help me process and deal with what happened. Our level of communication and honesty went to another level. The results of this counseling and talking was that we got back together. I'm fully aware and appreciate that this isn't going to work for everyone. I was judged harshly by a lot of my so-called friends.

They thought I was crazy, controlled, and weak for taking him back. Want to find out who your real friends are? This issue will sort them out. I learned that you have no clue what you would do until it happens to you. But we as women are quick and harsh judges of other women. And really none of it is based on experience. Fast forward, I was married for another nine years and they were great years. I don't regret what I did.

For me, it was the right decision. He left me for another woman, not the same one. He left to live with her on the other side of the country. Again, I was devastated. I had four teenage boys and my world and future fell apart. The circumstances this happened under is for another day. It was shit, but life goes on. Again, I had counseling.

It really helped me. I knew in myself that I could not forgive him again. E wanted my friendship, but my decision was, you have chosen her. You don't get any part of me. My boys have a good relationship with their dad, and I'm happy about that. Again, women friends judge me. Told me I should never have taken him back. You wasted nine years.

we knew this would happen, blah, blah, blah. I know what he did both times is wrong. I don't agree with infidelity in a marriage. But for me, taking him back in the following nine years were the right decisions to make, I still don't regret it. It seems to me that most men are nowhere near as harsh at judging other men, but women are. Why is that? L. Well, wow. Really good one. And I can You say that this comes up actually a lot in my inbox when people are referring to celebrities. Okay. Like most recently I had someone email me about Jennifer Garner and how she hasn't still officially divorced Ben Affleck yet and there are rumors and who knows about their

status and if they're getting back together or whatever. And the person who wrote to me was like, once a cheater, always a cheater. You have to leave him. If you don't leave him, there's something wrong with you. I can't believe she's not leaving him. Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, the judging, for instance. So, what do you think?

What's going on here? Well, I mean, God, it's a really heavy question to ask why women are more judgy, I guess, than men. And I mean, that goes back to, like, centuries and centuries of fucking bullshit that we have to put up with, right? If we're not being physically judged, we're being judged by, you know, how we must take care of our quote-unquote men, how we have to look a certain way. Like, I mean, we're pitted against each other all the time.

So, but beyond that, I think that women have different relationships with other women, right? Men don't typically get so involved in each other's issues. Girls do, right? We do. We pour out our emotions and we get our friends involved. So in a way, it's kind of hard to ask your girlfriends to be so involved in something as dramatic as you splitting up with your husband or maybe thinking about it because

he's cheating on you. And then being like, well, you just listen to me, hold any inner thoughts that you have and never tell me. It just, it's not a reciprocal relationship that way. Do you know what I mean? Do I think her friends were shitty for judging her and being assholes to her? Of course. But you can't tell someone not to have feelings because we all judge each other.

Do you know what I mean? I know something that I totally know and that it's so funny that some people are in the dark of all your friends talk shit behind your back they all do it's not all venomous shit but we all do um because we have our own thoughts we have our own feelings we have our own opinions about something um so that's sort of where i'm just like generally blanket statementing that out what but i don't know that that's just women though like i feel like men you know are annoyed and just as talk shitty about sure yeah i say boys too like it's i say the biggest gossips the biggest gossips sometimes are men he's such a fucking cheap ass we went out for beers the

other day and he fucking like, you know, skipped us on like three of the, like three pitchers or whatnot. Like, there's a great episode of Black-ish a few weeks ago. Jacek and I religiously watch Black-ish together. And Anthony Anderson, who plays Dre, reconnected with some of his high school homies and then, you know, was trying to give them all a hand up because all of them or most of them were not as, let's say, successful in a very conventional way as he was. So he would, like, lend money to one and got the other the job and whatever, and then they

weren't as, like, appreciative of him as he wanted them to be, so he started talking shit about them. And, like, and so it was a really good episode to, well, it examined many issues, but one of the issues was just a reflection that, like, hey, guys in their friendships are just as gossipy and bitchy and cunty and, like, backstabby and whatever. But as you said, but as you said, Sash, that's very normal. Like relationships, be it romantic or friendship, are not perfect because you're never going to get along with somebody 100% of the time, which is why…

And people are going to rub up against you. Of course. Like people are going to not behave in the way that you prescribe. So I totally get that point. I think that the extension of this is judging her or holding it against her. Like when you listen to a friend vent, it's one thing, but the decision she makes or he makes is his or hers. Yeah.

And then you have to back the fuck off after that. Yeah. Of course. Unless it's like, I'm going to rob a bank. Right. And I'm curious to know at what level were these friendships, you know what I mean? Like were they just being like caring friends that were just like, oh, you can't be with the guy who's cheating on you, you're, you know, you're, you know, like, exerting true

friendship and support and wanting to be there and have only the best? Or were these friends, like, mega hoes to her afterwards? Yeah. You know, I want to know that because that's interesting to me. Because I've had friends who have been cheated on. God, I've been cheated on. And I offer up my honest opinion. Like, if I'm going to put in the time to listen to you and support you, then I'm going

to have to fucking give you some of my two cents. You don't have to fucking take it and I will not necessarily, like, I'll probably judge you, but at the… but not in a bad way. Do you know what I'm saying? That's what I mean. Like, judgment is there all the time. We all have our own feelings and thoughts about a certain situation. But I would never be a dick.

Like, I would never, like, make… like, if Jacek cheated on you, I would encourage you not to be with him, but I would never shame you if you didn't take that advice. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think that what is here is that she's saying that these people were like, I told you so, I told you so, which I'm not sure helps by the end there, right? Like, you know, it's happened, nine years they were together again and he's left her for another woman and so now it's like, okay, saying to her, I told you so, is not… Helpful.

No. No. It's actually… it doesn't move anything forward. No, it's spiteful if you were to do that. So I think that's… and what she's asking is why this happens. And, I mean, you went through it. I mean, there is… obviously, since the beginning of time, we've all been conditioned to be harder on women than men.

This is part of the conversation we've been having for these years about equality and about, you know… And lifting women out. And lifting women out in a constructive way. Yes. And I also think that part of this is, if it were me assessing these kinds of reactions, it also comes from a place of fear. Like that is, for a lot of women, that's the worst nightmare, right?

Like a man in your life, your significant other, the one you've chosen to spend all your time with, to have children with, leaving for somebody else. It is easy to, like, pinpoint who the villain is that another woman came along because we also have this code, this code of women, this sort of, like, that we're not supposed to do that to each other. It's hard enough to, like, battle the patriarchy. You know, you don't want to be fucking looking around and thinking that your sisters are also not on your side. Totally. And so that betrayal becomes almost, like, emotionally deeper because, I'm putting this in quotes, women are supposed to know better.

So then when one woman, in a different way, quote, betrays the side, which is to not kick him out right away and not walk right away and instead give him another chance, there are some women who feel that that is also a betrayal of the code. Like, hey, like, you know, we're supposed to be strong and let them know that they can't fucking do this to us without consequences and you're taking him back. Like, isn't that undermining our value and our integrity? Like, you know, if women, if every woman took a man back, then like men would keep doing this to the rest of us.

That's part of it too, no? Absolutely. And there's some truth to that too, I will say. But easier said than done. I mean, my father cheated on my mom who knows how many times. Hi, mom. Sorry. I just totally aired your dirty laundry.

But she stuck it out, too, because she had two young girls, right? And I would never, I mean, she finally fucking divorced his ass, but it takes time. And that's what I really like about our writer is, like, this chick knows what's up. Like, she saw the trajectory of her relationship, knew that she wanted to work on it. They did. She had a successful, what seemed like a successful nine years before it crumbled again. And she doesn't regret her choices. Like, I think that's awesome, right?

And I get a lot of mail sometimes when we have these cheating letters because I'm always like, fucking ditch the zero if he's doing that. And women always write back, like, you don't know. you don't understand other people's circumstances. And I want to be clear. I think every woman, every person is entitled to make the decision that's right for them at that time. That's cool. If you want to take them back because you want to give it a second try, you have children, you're not ready to do so, then more power to you. It's complicated. And in many ways, overcoming infidelity and then making it work for another nine years after,

you could call that a success story. Fuck yeah. Lots of people aren't even together for more than two years. Where they want to get a divorce. So in its own way. I mean, listen, if I were Elle, our writer, I would be heartbroken, of course, that this happened not only once, but twice. And that this person that she was married to, you know, felt the need to address his unhappiness both times with, by stepping out.

Like that to me is just so, of course, it's such a betrayal. But I don't, I don't, I would never, I don't want to think that I would be that person who would ever, like, you know, see her and make her feel even more less than. Of course. By being like, ha-ha, told you so. Yeah. You should have fucking ditched him nine years ago. Yeah.

Of course. So, Elle, we're sorry that this has been your experience and, but if we're talking about women and supporting other women, I feel like these are important conversations that we have to continue to have because like unfortunately we're not perfect collectively yet and I think that we're all trying to catch up to the people we think are better than us and learning from friends like like the two people sitting here at this table are by no means like perfect women like I fucking make mistakes the mistakes I've made are documented on Laney Gossip itself. Like, you know, and so there are so many people I still need to learn from. And so I think

that what the Women's Collective has to do is for those of you who are ahead of us, keep dragging us forward. And for those of us who are behind, keep looking for people to follow and to catch up to. So Elle, you know, there's no judgment here. We support your decisions and your choices. And it sounds like you're in a really good space to move forward that you've found a way to to make your four boys or to make a life with your four boys and that your four boys are happy in their relationship with their dad that's a success but also don't i would i would encourage her not to be jaded that like all women they're just all haggie unsupportive bitches like that's not the case either right so i'm glad that you weeded out the last batch of girls that weren't doing you any

good but please continue to look for a wonderful new group of women because they're they're out there in droves you've got social dialed in search is doing its thing so why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago that's because you're fishing in the same pond as everyone else podcast listeners are a different audience entirely more engaged harder to reach through traditional channels and ready to act when someone they trust makes a recommendation We're ACAST, and we put them right in front of you. Browse thousands of the world's leading podcasts, book host reads or run your own ads, and track every conversion in real time.

Same skills you already have, brand new results. ACAST. ACAST.com slash advertise. Okay, next question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I hope you're both having a good day. I'm a big fan. Thank you very much.

I'm having some relationship issues and would really appreciate your perspectives. I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 22. We've been dating for just over two years and moved in together two months ago. He moved cities to be with me as he's still figuring out his career and I'm set in a new career. He's a caring boyfriend and we both love each other intensely. However, he has an anger problem. When arguments get bad, he will almost literally explode with rage, saying hurtful things and

breaking stuff. Recently, I didn't realize he's been frustrated about me unloading my work stress at home, and it all came out unexpectedly in a week of arguments that escalated in him losing it. For the first time, he physically grabbed me, pulling me off our bed by my ankles. It didn't get any more physical after that, but he was very threatening and I was scared. After talking to my closest friend and getting their careful advice, I explained to my boyfriend that he crossed a line, and I want him to take steps to see if he can deal with his anger since it's escalating.

In turn, I'm trying not to unload so much stress at home despite being in a demanding job. After five days of only happy talk, I talked a little about a difficult development at work. He was supportive at the time but later said that I'd been very negative that evening, which hurt. I'm worried that the resentment will build again and I'm not prepared to only talk about positive things to keep him happy. I don't know what to do now. I don't know whether his line crossing was as bad as I think it was. And I wonder if I'm just going to be stuck in a cycle. Any advice or perspective on this admittedly abridged situation would be so helpful. Thanks. Confused. Okay. Confused. I just, I want to give you a name. So let's, I, let's call you.

Oh, I have a good one. Good. Not to trivialize this, but Celeste. Okay, Celeste. This reminds Yes, Big Little Lies. Great. Which, yeah, again, don't want to trivialize, but this is very parallel to what we're seeing in the first few episodes of this show. That's a great… I love that you brought that up because we have gotten lots of emails, too, about the storyline on Big Little Lies between Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård and the toxic,

passionate, fucked up, at times loving, complicated… It feels very, very real. real relationship that they have and there are some people and there's been some writing on this that feel there's been some writing on this by people who feel that that depiction on the show has glamorized violence in relationships um there are some people who feel that it's very true to life and very realistic, as you just said. But what I appreciate about it is that it is not black and white. And as anybody who has been in an abusive relationship can attest to, it's never black and white. Like, you know, the person doesn't develop horns and turn into Voldemort

and it's that it's like that 24 7 interspersed between these bouts as you know Celeste our reader is saying are moments of tenderness and love and real passion and real connection and that's and that's not all the time but in many of these cases and that's why it takes so long or it becomes so confusing. And this is not meant to condone violence in a relationship. What it's meant to do, as we tried to do with the previous letter, is to get a very 360-degree portrait of what relationships are and to really understand that you can't just template, you can't just prescribe a one-way solution for everybody. Yeah.

And especially at one moment, right? Yeah. And what I would say, though, is the word that should never be in a relationship, like flat out, is scared. You should never feel scared with your partner. You should never feel like you can't truly express how you feel. You can't be, you just can't be, there should not be fear in your relationship with somebody. And so when she said that, I was scared.

That is never a feeling that you should feel. And I hope that she seeks some more comfort in talking to her friends. I hope that she finds somebody that she trusts, like a therapist, to talk to about this. Because while it does happen, while people are in abusive relationships, it by no means is normal. It shouldn't be something that you accept, it shouldn't be something that you should forgive, and it should not be something that you don't work on. I agree.

And I think that you said that the word scared jumped out at you, and you're absolutely right. For our Celeste, who wrote this letter, you expressed that you are not only scared about the next bout of anger, but that you are scared to share your life. You know, when you've had a tough day at work, you should never be afraid to come home and share it with the person that you love. It's a very basic comfort and benefit of a relationship that there's someone at home waiting for you who is going to be your biggest fan and who is going to be your advocate and who's going to perhaps be a counselor, if not a counselor than just a sounding

board, you have to be able to bring that home in a constructive way. And so the fact that you are not just afraid for your safety and your emotional well-being, but that you are afraid to come home to communicate, that is a red flag for us as well. And you also use the word escalate several times in your message. And so you're assessing yourself that this has been progressing in stages. It used to be bursts of anger that were limited to verbal abuse and outbursts of breaking things. And now recently that progression has resulted in physical harm or at least a physical manifestation of his rage. And so you yourself have labeled it as an escalation. So I would think clearly about escalating circumstances. Very rarely without interference and intervention do they de-escalate.

And so what Sasha said about therapy and counseling, on your part, 100%, but I don't know that the de-escalation is going to happen for him unless he gets some help. It's also very interesting to me the protocol that abusive relationships follow. It's like, it is like, it does not stray. It happens with exactly what you, just that, exactly what you explained and what our reader explained, that escalation of verbal, then physical. And then this is what's so interesting is that, that moment of where like a woman feels handcuffed.

She's like a prisoner. It becomes, it just domino effects. And that's where I see our writer now is like, all of a sudden she feels like she's a prisoner within her own body. She can't talk about her, she doesn't, she's scared now to talk about her day because she doesn't want to ruffle his feathers. And so fine, if you don't want to see a therapist just yet, I would start reading books. I would start reading articles about women who have been in abusive relationships because

I guarantee you, you'll start to see bits of yourself in these women as well. Because the stories, while it's different, there's like a general thread of truth that every woman in an abusive relationship finds themselves in. So you need to educate yourself and read up on these things and open your eyes, which you clearly are. I'm not taking that away from you. But really, don't pretend, don't lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself that this isn't a problem.

You know, Celeste in the show Big Little Lies, she and Perry, so that's Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård, they go to a therapy session. And one of the things that is revealed in the therapy session, and they're such great actors, and I think the rules have been written so well, that Alexander Skarsgård ends up talking about what his insecurities are. And you remember, one of the things he talks about is, look at her. She's so beautiful. She's so smart. Everybody loves her. She's just basically this goddess. She's going to leave me. She's, you know, so much better than me. And he's a very successful businessman. You know, he, he, you know, she, for all intents and purposes, stays at home with the

kids. Now we find out that she used to be a lawyer, but, and he still looks at her as this person who could leave him at any time, meaning that in his mind he is inferior to her. And to parallel the situation, and of course this is, we're only, we're only able to use the information that our Celeste, the writer, gave us, your boyfriend is still figuring out his career path, he's younger than you, just like Perry on the show is younger than Celeste on the show, and he's still sort of trying to find his way in the world, and you have a great career, a very important career, and a career that's so important that it comes with its, you know, it comes with its own challenges that you bring home. And so there is an aspect to this,

a parallel there, where our Celeste is, our Celeste in his mind has it a little bit more together perhaps than he does. And all of that in combination with whatever issues that he has, we don't know him very well, are causing him to act out and push his own insecurities onto her and they're being manifested in the form of violence. That's what concerns me here too, is that not only is there an escalation of violence, but there seems to me, at least from the information that we've gotten, in his mind, an imbalance. And so because of that imbalance, he is trying to control it through conditions. I don't want you coming home and talking about work and getting all stressed out.

It's not fair to me. Physical control and power imbalance, where now he is using his body to adjust the imbalance that you guys have, perhaps, in his mind. So all of these things are definitely flags that you need to pay attention to. We're not going to tell you what to do except to take care of yourself. I think it's very encouraging that you've talked to a friend. Oh, and that you've reached out to us too. And that you've reached out to us.

I think it's very encouraging that you're not internalizing this, that you are involving your circle of support. Please continue to do that. Please continue to, like, make sure that your friends know. Please do not continue to do this by yourself. And please consider help, whether it's, you know, help with you independently. I don't know that it would be safe for you to suggest it to him. And that is a consideration and a concern right now, too.

I'm not sure. so I do worry about that but definitely continue to definitely continue to explore this and think about this and not push it away and talk to people about it and good luck

and please keep us posted and we hope that in some way that talking about it with us has helped a little okay last question hi Sasha want your insight on some friend annoyingness that I've been experiencing

I have a grouping of friends who I'm very close with but sometimes I still feel like an outsider with These girls make quite a bit more money than I do and can tend to live large. Fancy dinners, luxury vacations, expensive clothes. I work in a creative field and I'm very happy with my chosen career path in my life. I make good money, but I'm more conservative with it and don't need to be spending piles of money to have a good time or enjoy those I am close with in my life.

Another difference we share, I'm married. A few of my friends in this group are single, but we always hang out together, just girls, and I don't bring my husband along to our girls' nights. I would never do that. So the problem that I'm having is that a lot of the time I find that these friends don't invite me on vacations or weekend trips with them. Last summer I tried to plan a girls weekend to visit wine country because I thought that would be nice, but I didn't really receive much enthusiasm from them about it and grew

frustrated so I just dropped it. But then I would see that these girls would go on other trips either together or with other girlfriends, trips to Montreal or abroad, as examples. Recently I was out to dinner for one of their birthdays and she mentioned that our other friend had invited her to go on a yoga retreat with her. I sat there screaming inside like, what the fuck you bitches? No, I love yoga. Why the hell wasn't I invited? The most frustrating part was that I had specifically made sure I would be available for this birthday dinner because I prioritize things like that. Our other girlfriend who had invited the birthday girl on the yoga

retreat was away on a wine excursion with another friend. So my question is, why do they never invite me? It's very hurtful. I see myself as a very good friend. I'm someone who's always there when a friend is in need. I often host parties or girls' nights at my place, but then it feels like my affection for them is not always reciprocated. I'm wondering if it's either because they just assume I'm too poor to do anything fun with them, like go on a trip, or if it's some weird thing having to do with me being married. Do they just assume that I'm attached to my husband at the hip and want to spend all my time with him? Like I said, he literally never comes out with us because I wouldn't want to spoil the fun of girls' nights,

and when he's there, he usually is cooking dinner for my friends. I'm very independent and make my feelings very clear to my girlfriends. I value my female friendships very highly and often consider them like family. These girls were bridesmaids at my wedding, so I thought we had a really close bond, but sometimes it feels like I'm in a second category of friends to them. Sometimes when I try to make plans, the answer is always tentative because it often seems like they're trying to see if better plans might come along from some of their ritzier friends.

So again, like, I'm second tier. Any advice? What the fuck? Yours, C. Oh, I like C. She sounds really nice. that sucks that sucks that she is being disinvited or just like not included in at least the potential of a plan uh for her to be a part of I don't know I would say something I would just say something I

would just uh well first I want to know does do you get the sense that she's able to go on these trips even if they asked her um like find the yoga retreat but like can she you know can she still go on these creative, I don't know, creative, can she still go on these trips to Montreal and abroad? I don't know. Because if she can't, then I'm sort of like, okay, well, what do you want these girls to do? Just ask for you to then say no?

I don't know. I mean, it sounds like you, she could have gone on the yoga retreat or that she wanted to go and would have made that happen. So, I guess the question here is, these girls were your bridesmaids, so. So… We would assume her ride or dies, right? Yeah. Like, that to me is, I think, where the jumping off point has to be.

Because if they were just assholes, then they're assholes and find new friends. The end, you know, peace out. Right. So, clearly you… Clearly what I'm saying is that these people have value. Of course. That they're friends worth having. You have love for them.

And so my thing would be, as you said, Sash, you kind of have to just say it because right now I know that the anger, like it's, you know, I know that we can get caught up in our anger and be like, fuck them, fuck everyone, assholes and whatnot. But on the flip side of that, you have to consider that these people are your ride or die. So on the ledger, you know my favorite thing, on the ledger of, you know, keeping score, I would imagine that their ledger is still on positive, that more good things, that there are more good things about them than shitty things.

There are shitty things, yeah. So I think unfortunately then that if the ledger is working out in their favor, then And you kind of have to re-examine what the situation might really be. You mean the flip side, what they're feeling about her, right? That's right. Because maybe you have said so many no's in the past that are like, well, you know what, there's no point, right? Because even if they're like living their ritzy ditzy lives, they've probably wanted

you to come on so many trips and they might just find that it's a buzzkill that you say no all the time, right? So their feelings, in fact, might be hurt over the years with that. so it's worth your while to yeah at least talk to them and don't be passive aggressive and you know you're obviously like what the fuck bitches so don't get in that mood you have to like transition out of the anger phase and then when you're having like a nice like girl wine night I think that's when you bring it up you'll be like I really wanted to go on that yoga retreat like next time don't you know I know that I've said no in the past but please keep on inviting

me because I really do want to come to these things I do feel left out and I don't want to feel that way. And if they are these nice people, then of course they're going to be comforting. Of course they're going to, at least that'll elicit a conversation to find out actually why they haven't been inviting you. I agree. And I think too, like, as we get older and our lives change and some people get married and some people aren't married and it's really unrealistic to do things in the group all the time. Like, it's actually, In my experience, and people correct me if it's not your standard experience, but let's say you have a group of friends and there's six of you and you used to always do things

together, all six of you. The way life progresses… Are you trying to tell me something? No. Like, I'm not trying to tell… But… Yes. The way it works is that then as we get older and our schedules change and some people move

to different places and don't live in the same neighborhood or whatever, then what happens is that like more often than not, yeah, on the bigger occasions, maybe eight times a year or six times a year, you do still all get together, the six of you. But then there's like, it's really normal to have peel-offs. Like two people in one combination will go see a movie together and then another two people will go on a trip together and then another two in a different combination might, you know, go out for drinks. Right.

And I don't think that that's bad either. No, but there are some people who are uneasy with that when they're so used to a pattern or a form, right? I mean, that… I was joking was because typically in groups before it's been you, me, Amy, Duana, and Lara. Typically that's how we've grouped it in the past. Amy and I never have anything to do.

So we're always like, let's do work. Cool. You guys want to go away this weekend? We can always do something. Right. The three of you, you know, do has kids, is like writing 18,000 books and writing for shows and galore. Yeah.

Lara has two kids, is like a fucking baller. You have 18,000 jobs, also equally a baller. And have so many things to do that we can't always, like the past was the past. That shit isn't what happens anymore. Yeah. But yeah, but it's like an end of an era sometimes. It's harder to work through, like I think that a few weeks ago we, the six of us had an email exchange.

Do you remember that? we wanted to go out for dinner and like, it was like, this Saturday works for me and it worked for three of us and then it didn't work for the other three. And then the next Saturday worked for the other three, but not the other three. And so when two people decide to go out, it's way easier. It's two schedules. Totally. But like, just to run off your example, I know that you and Lara sometimes meet up for a walk. Yeah. And that's like, it's, and it would be, I think like to call myself out in my 20s, yeah, sure. I'd be like, why didn't they call me? I would have gone out on the walk on Saturday with them. But like now you get older and it's

kind of like, oh, well, you know, Duanna and I will like did a thing on Friday together and you and Duanna probably hooked up for a walk like a few weeks ago. I love that I'm only on walks. Why do I only go on walks? Whatever. And that's what happens, right? But what would be different is if all five of us went out and left you out the fucking door. It was always the one person who was feeling… Yeah, which is why our writer is probably like, fuck you hoes.

I shouldn't say hoes. Fuck you, bitches. You're leaving me behind. Sometimes, though, there is another person who feels the same way. Do you know what I mean? Like, it is human nature for us always to be inside our own heads. Of course. Like, we're all narcissistic, self-involved individuals.

I'm not saying see that that's you. I'm just saying that that's why we all have to work on empathy and we all have to work on looking at things from different perspectives. And all work on communication, right? That's right. Because if you don't express yourself, then no one knows what the fuck you feel. That's right. And then you isolate yourself.

So don't do that. Have a nice conversation with these, you know, wonderful group of girls that have been in your life for a really long time and see how it goes. I mean, write us back if they say something horrible, then we can offer other advice. But for right now, it seems like the first step would be communicate. And don't, yeah, open yourself up to being surprised. Like, their reaction might surprise you in a good way. Like, I'm excited for you.

Because if these are as close friends as you've said they are, then they will come through. As friends always do. Yeah. And if you need someone to go to a yoga retreat with you, ask me. Because all I do is go for walks. So I would love to go to a yoga retreat and mix it up. You guys just live closer together. Like, you and Lara and Duanna are all within, like, five block radius.

Yeah, we don't just walk. Okay, well, thanks for that. See? Anyway, thanks for your letters. Keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. And check us out on iTunes and Google Play. And we'll see you next week. Bye.

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