What's Your Drama - SJP vs Cattrall and Sabotaging a Relationship

Episode Date: February 14, 2018

Welcome back to the Sasha Answers podcast.On today's show: Lainey talks about her Chinese new year health rituals and we put in our two cents on the 'drama in the city' going on between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall. Then we dive into your questions. First, someone who needs luck REAL bad after getting into a messy relationship situation and then we dig into another relationship problem that has some cultural ties that are making things difficult.Thanks for tuning and keep your feedback/questions coming to me at [e-mail] and hit us up on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course on iTunes and Google Play. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Lainey. Hi, it's Sasha. Welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. And I have some updates. Oh, okay. Okay, so you know it's Chinese New Year coming up. Yes. Lunar New Year is on Friday, February 16th.

And so for many signs of the zodiac, you need to go to the doctor and get your shit checked out. and, you know, yes, yeah, it's like my shit. So I've been going. I went two weeks ago to get my blood work done and then I was supposed to get my pap smear. I wish like it was a better name. But anything that's kind of a – like anything ends up being a feeling gross when it's –

I love – like I don't love it, but like I don't find it particularly uncomfortable. I'm just like, go in there with your – a problem either. Yeah. I know a lot of people don't like the thing, the clamp, the silver, and it's cold and it like spreads you out and whatever, but it's never bothered me. Anyway, but so two weeks ago when I went to get my blood work done, I was also supposed to get my pap, but then I was on my period, which you can't do it when you're on your period because like the results don't come back accurately. So I had to go back today to do it. But while I was there,

I have been writing down like questions I wanted to ask my doctor anyway. And I always forget. But then before she like went in there, she, and this is standard procedure, she was like, you know, I ask everybody. And I even ask people I know who've been in long-term monogamous relationships. And she also treats Jacek, like Jacek, she treats my whole family. So she knows I've married and I've been married for however long. She's like, but I always ask anyway. She said, would you also like me to screen you for any STIs? Which reminded me that on the social a few months ago, we had someone on talking about the HPV vaccine and how, first of all, people always think that the HPV vaccine is just for women, but in fact, 10% of HPV carriers are

men. So it was like this info session on HPV and whatnot. And so my doctor went a little bit more in depth with me about like the groups and ranges of people who may want to get the vaccine. And And she's like, of course, you've been in a monogamous relationship for almost 20 years. Jacek and I have been together since, what, 2000? Okay. She's like, and you've had many pap smears since then, so it shouldn't be a problem, but it's never a bad thing.

Yeah. It's like… And sometimes HPV can be dormant, but go on. That's right. And she did say that they do all these ranges of ages, so she kept on saying 46 years old that it goes up to. Anyway, so it was something for me to take away and think about. So I was like, okay, just do the pap and, like, screen me for whatever you want to screen

me. I figure, like, let's test it up. Yeah, full meal deal that one. I have no reason to believe, but, like, full meal deal everything. And then I was like, then I want to make an appointment to come back even if everything checks out to sit down and talk to you about like any kind of vaccine that I can… That you can put in yourself? Well, because I've never had chicken pox.

You haven't? So. You're that person? That's an anomaly. You know that, right? I'm that person. And so also on the social, we had this segment about chicken pox, but specifically shingles. And there's a shingles vaccine.

Yes, there is. Because you can only get shingles if you've had chicken pox. Yes. So technically, I can't get shingles, but I can get chicken pox. Right. Which is really dangerous, isn't it? As an adult, it's terrible. And my concern, I never used to be concerned about it because like in Vancouver, when we

lived in Vancouver, first of all, I didn't like hang out with that many people with kids. Yes. And if I knew that their kids had chicken pox, I'd be like, okay, I'll see you in three months. Right. Like we won't have dinner and I don't have to go to work and be around you. But now I work in this, our building, our work building with like hundreds of people and they already, I've already been getting the flu and whatever from all the nasty shit that they bring to work because of their kids and their nasty ass kids. And a lot of the people I work with are, like, have kids in that age range where the chickenpox will happen, although there is a vaccine for chickenpox that, excuse me, if you are out there and you have a child in the chickenpox vaccine range, would you please fucking do it?

Oh, right. Okay, yes, yes. Yes. I got you. I thought you were going to go, like, Jenny McCarthy and anti-vaccine me. No, no, no, no. I am not an anti-vaxxer. In fact, I object to anti-vaxxers, as I think you do as well.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Don't look at me like that. I know, because I was scared, because you've gone on this all natural. No, I haven't gone on this whole natural. Okay.

I was afraid you were going to goop yourself. No. Okay. I like a good vaccine. Okay. Great. So anyway, yes, there is a chickenpox vaccine now for kids, but people of our generation, we kind of missed it a little bit.

Like you're a little younger than I am, but that was the gray area in my generation. There are like two vaccines and some of us got just one. And anyway, my point is… What is your point? My point is… Snooze on the vaccine chat. My point is I'm really excited because in two weeks I think I'm going to be going to get like a whole bunch of vaccines. Well…

And I might even get my like my MMR, like the measles mumps and… Oh, I've had that. A boost, because some people need a boost. I'm fucking excited. I want to inoculate everything from head to toe. I want to be a shield. None of your kids' nasty-ass shit can come from me. There you go.

Congratulations. Well, no, no, don't congratulate me yet, because I'm two weeks away from it. Well, you're not going to get the fucking chicken pox in two weeks. Let's knock on wood. Sasha, fuck you. Okay. Why do you do shit like that? Knock on wood.

Fuck. Sorry. You'll be fine. But yeah, I think when I was getting… What's the matter with you? Sorry. Well, A, I think it's weird that you're, like, when you were in chicken pox range as a child, you, like, deserted children with chicken pox.

Why didn't your mom just, like, force you to be with them so that you would finally get it? Well, listen, my parents aren't like that. Like, they run away from germs. Okay. They just didn't know that that was the deal. Right. I'm going to call my mother tonight anyway, because maybe she's misremembered and I had

it. I feel like you must have had it. So, listen, I've never wanted to have had chicken pox, like, in the past so badly because I – because then if I had – like, anyway, this is a PSA. Everybody out there, if you've had chicken pox, you should consider getting the shingles vaccine. Yes. They say that you should only get it post-50, but anyway, you should ask your doctor about it. I'm thinking about that only because I know a few people who have gotten shingles that are my age, but that's brought out by stress.

I know someone right now. I know some… We know someone right now who has it. I don't know that person. And it's painful. Oh, it's really painful. Anyway. Can we just rewind for one second?

Because I do want to talk… And I know that you talked about it on your blog because on the way over here I was like, oh, what did you do today on your site? But I really want to talk about Kim Cattrall. Are we allowed to talk about Kim Cattrall? Yeah. That was one of the most insane shit I have seen on social media in a long time. Oh, yeah.

She busted some serious nuts in that one post. Oh, yeah. And if anyone doesn't know what we're talking about, obviously go to Lady Gossip and read it. Oh, I think everybody knows at this point. But everyone must know. Yeah. And I was reading it and I know what you were talking about in terms of defending Kim Cattrall and everyone kind of putting her in the doghouse for not doing Sex and the City 3, which, fuck,

right on fucking sex in the city too was shit um so why would you want to do another one but you didn't really touch upon that post in general and how what your take was on that oh yeah it was i first of all i think this is an awful painful time like yeah she is in a world of hurt standalone like losing her brother of course terrible so there's that hurt and then there's like, listen, 15 years of residual pain and trauma from being in a workplace. Like we've all been in toxic workplaces before. And that's a scar that doesn't heal very quickly. And so when you combine the pain and trauma that she's feeling from losing her brother with the lingering open wound of being in a workplace that clearly wasn't supportive of you and mean-girled you, she was like,

what the fuck do I have to lose? Hey, world, this is a person who has been mean to me for so long and you all think she's nicey-nice because, you know, she's Sarah Jessica Parker and you like her clothes. Yeah. And I will have to say both of those women, again, I do not know them well even remotely, they're not nice women. Kim Woo-chul? Yeah. Really? Nice. We should actually, I wish we could call a friend right now and call Dean

who used to write for Lainey, a really good friend of ours. It was one of his worst interviews because she was such a major cow. Maybe she's reformed post Sex and the City, but she's really not the kindest of kind. And Sarah Jessica Parker is also… Has a reputation. Has a reputation of being very cold. So both of these women, it's not like you can be like one's better than the other or one's kinder than the other because they're both kind of cunty. Did you see that, this tweet that's going around? It's from a Twitter account called I am an actor and the actual like whatever handle is I'm a working actor. So this person tweeted on the weekend, I worked on Sex and the City as a PA when I lived in New York two times. And all I'm going to say is that Kim Cattrall was

a nice one. Really? Yes. It's been, look. Okay. You should post this with the show notes. And then below is all kinds of people who are like, yeah, I worked. Now this is like, I don't know, a random Twitter account. It doesn't have a check mark before you ask. They have just over a thousand followers. And if you check it, if you check it, there is, there are some tweets that are actorly and somewhat knowledgeable. Obviously, this person is quite anonymous. Right. But I believe that Kim Cattrall might not be the warmest person in an interview. I totally get that. Like, when I've interviewed her, she has never been the warm, fuzzy, hug type.

Which you don't need to be. You don't need to be. She's never been a full-blown, like, cow. I've only seen her in the most professional settings, but I obviously love Dean and believe Dean. Yeah. That said, I think that everybody can be an asshole to, like, somebody. Because people have off days, of course. Whatever. Even when you're not having an off day.

That's one issue. The other issue is the issue of, like, how Sarah Jessica Parker has professed to be, like, hey, girlfriends forever, friendship. and then behind the scenes you – it seems like where else was that information going to leak from that the movie was killed and – Of course, from her. From her. And how can you be like, oh, I support women when this woman basically was saying, this

is what I need and dragged her in public. The end. But we've talked about this before too is like take a beat and that's what I wish Kim Cattrall would have done. before like you're going through some really emotional personal horrible shit but to get on instagram and like slay sarah jessica parker and like dig her a fucking grave on instagram oh yeah it's just so uh it's just sort of lame and so it makes me think oh god kim cattrall who's like you know speaks with the british accent and is yeah you know supposed to be this mature lady

still gets – still falls into the trap of just not being able to keep her mouth shut. Like, you could have just – you could have just not said anything and it would have been better. Now this narrative is going to be dragged on for so much longer. Well, I don't know. Like, I think that there are for sure 99 out of 100 times I think you take a breath and take a beat. I think, though, when you are in a position where this powerful woman who you worked with, who's a producer on the show and has all the connections to, like, Andy Cohen and Michael Patrick King and all the producers of the show and has a deal with HBO, has tried to make it seem like you are a difficult person to work with and has smeared your reputation, what does she have to lose anymore? Um, I don't know. I just think you, I think you lose a little bit more by putting an Instagram post. Because then the people who have believed that maybe, yeah, you aren't the nicest to work

with, see something like that and they're like, oh, this chick has just kind of gone off the rocker. You know, like it kind of, for me, steers her in the wrong light again. Right? Like if she had… because in the post before, she'd be like, thanks, my Sex and the City colleagues. Yeah. I was like, okay, cool. We're good now. We can move on from this and everyone's taken a nice little nugget from that. But then she just, I don't know if she's fucking double, triple down on that shit. I would agree with you more wholeheartedly if I had any faith in the larger knowledgeable community. I think we live in an internet bubble, so we can see Twitter and we're online. People write to us and they're like, yeah, fuck SJP and I'm so with Kim. But if we've

learned anything over the last couple of years, there's a whole lot of people who vote differently. Yes, it's true. And those are the people who are like, Sarah Jessica has such cute clothes. Of course. And she's always been so sweet and she's friends with Andy Cohen. And oh my God, I just love her. And oh, Samantha Jones, Kim, what a fucking ho bag slut. And she was like getting naked all the time and attaching all of those other qualities to her. So I totally would agree with you if this was the world that determines things. But as we know, there are people out there who still like Justin Timberlake. Yeah. We always just somehow bring it back to Justin Timberlake. Yes. I know what you mean. Lots and lots of people don't know the

light and the way. Okay. Anyway, yeah. That felt good. I know it did. You know what? Anytime. Anytime I can fucking jab that fucking asshole. You did it. I know. Okay. And P.S., as a fashion expert, his pop-up is embarrassing. I don't. I can't.

All of it is… Everything he's doing right now… Like those capsules? Yes. The plaids and all that kind of stuff. Everything is just bad what he's doing. I hated his Super Bowl outfit so very, very, very much. Right.

I… Yeah. I looked at that capsule collection and I was like… It's a jank. It's fucking totally jank. These t-shirts are… it's what you… like, it's shit you find in a gift shop. Yeah. He needs a revamp.

All right. Okay. Ready? Yes. Okay. Hey, Lani and Sasha, I'm the dragon. My husband is the tiger. He cheated with his coworker, who was also my friend for years.

God, even at Christmas, she was printing off couple pictures of me and my husband for us. Okay. So when this person says she's dragon and her husband is a tiger, they… she means if you guys haven't been reading the blog lately. She was born under the sign of the dragon. That's her Chinese zodiac sign. And her husband is the tiger. Yes. And he cheated with his co-worker, who was also her friend. And this person also took pictures of them at the Christmas party. Wow. That's some serious toothpaste. I'll keep on going. You keep on going. Really? Yeah. Okay. I found out on January 3rd, and it's been fucking hell for me ever since.

January 3rd was my birthday. I just thought I would insert that. Go on. I started therapy last week and we are going to start going to couples counseling soon. Okay. So what is it today? It's February, like, 12. Okay.

I'm a very proactive person, but in this situation, anytime I try to do anything that seems proactive or whatever, it backfires. I've also made some huge mistakes in the aftermath, including inviting the girl over and having a threesome. I know. I can only explain it as not being in my right mind and absolutely desperate to feel loved and included and curious what they looked like fucking. Wow. I know it was a form of self-harm. Again, not in my right mind. Biggest mistake of my entire life. I need as much luck as I can get,

and it sounds like I'm supposed to have a really low luck year too. In your post, you mentioned a gold monkey charm. I did some Googling, but I couldn't find anything that looked right. I'm in Chicago, so I can't enter your annual contest for Chinese New Year luck charms. I live just a few blocks from Chicago, Chinatown. I'm going to be there for the parade. Do you know what I should be looking for in terms of a good luck charm? Okay. First of all… I love that that's what the question is. Can I find a charm? I'm going to call you Molly. Molly, I'll send you one. Yes, you will be getting… Dragons are the recipients of this year's charms from the Chinese squawking chicken. Dragons are getting

a charm. So we will make sure that Jacek puts one in the mail for you. FedEx and shit. Yes. You should also get yourself your own gold monkey. I mean, it could just be little and it doesn't have to be real gold. Just like fake gold is fine. Just carry one on you at all times. Right. But beyond luck. So this is what was so interesting to me because I didn't know if it was particularly an advice question or, or what, because really all she asks for is a fucking charm. But I really wanted to include this so that we could hammer out the actual issue at hand, which is what the fuck's going on in her relationship. Okay. So like luck's not going to

heal this one. I know you would probably differ on that seeing as we're leading into Chinese New but… Well, I don't think luck… I think that what will heal it is the courting of better luck. Yes. There you go. How about that? Okay. So I've posted my mother's forecast. I hope you've read it. And, you know, right now I'm looking back at the Dragon forecast and it says between February are in March, practice endurance. Don't gossip and don't get involved in drama. Okay. I think that the threesome was probably… A slight dramatic. A slight dramatic involvement. Yeah. Let's not do those things anymore.

Yeah. From March to April, think of the big picture. Don't be quick to anger. Long-term success or failure will depend on how you deal with this year. I mean… Yeah. It'll work out in the years to come if you bank. So as we saw, dragons have not a very like high luck year because dragons have spectacular luck. Like they're one of the superstars of the Zodiac, dragons and tigers, right? So you already know like that you've made some mistakes. And it makes me sad that you've acknowledged that it was self-harm. And I'm so sorry. Like we didn't mean to laugh. It was just shocking for me. It was just shocking reading it. It's shocking because I also, I'm just trying to

get into the mindset of being like the, the anger and the hurt and the betrayal of being cheated on and being like, you know what though? I mean, I really want to see, I guess I've just, it's so out of the box for me that someone would want to then be like, I want to fuck that chick and I want to see that chick fuck my husband. Cause somehow thinking that that will make shit better. And so I think that's tweaked. I'm sorry, but I'm really happy that you realized that it wasn't the right way to go and that you're going through therapy because I… But you understand the compulsion.

No. Okay. No, I actually… I understand it in, like, a really abstract way. Like, I get that you would want to know, like, what was it about her? What was it that intrigued him? Is she better than me in bed? I get all those sort of things.

I get how your mind wants to go there. I just don't know how you could actually physically put yourself in that position. That is very… I've never heard that in all the times that we have read people's advice questions, all of my weird, wacky friends. I've never heard that before. You've heard of people when they find out that they're being cheated on, they follow their spouse to see them, like, having dinner with somebody at the meetups.

And they already know that they're being cheated on. They just need to see it for validation, for confirmation, and maybe as a form of self-harm. And because I, having, you know, having heard about these experiences and been through it a little bit, I mean, this is a long, long time ago, there's such a mystery gap, right? Like you're just picturing it and you want to fill in so many blanks. It is self-harm, but it's a compulsion. like you cannot fucking help yourself. And you want more of it. You want more details. Yeah. Yes. Again, agree. Checkmark, checkmark, checkmark. This is so extreme. But this is so

extreme. Yes. That you would be like, hey, female, come on over into my bed, into my house. Let me have sex with you and let me walk. Like that is some intense shit. But I guess that's what I'm saying. It's like, of course, I think what is the positive thing here is that you're going to therapy because I think that there is a lot to unpack with why you did this, what's going on in your relationship. You don't really tell us very much about, like, the history of your marriage. But, I mean, it's worrisome. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. We're worried about you. Like, and as… I think it's very… like, it's positive that you've acknowledged that you were self-harming and that was, you know, taking to… and, you know,

taking it to that extreme was a form of self-harm and going to get help is a really, really good start. At this point, when you're going to get help and to talk through your issues, one of the things I imagine that you'll be asked to explore is what the root of the self-harm was. Oftentimes, self-sabotage is because you want to create a situation where you can't go back. Yeah. Yes. Right. So that you see so much damage that you can't ever repair it. Yeah. And I think that that's one of the many things that this person may have to explore because if unconsciously you're sabotaging and creating a situation where you can't go back, then, well, then you don't want to go back. You don't want to be there. That's a really good

point. Yeah. And that's to come, right? That will be what she needs to do. We are not the professionals. Like, I would prefer, obviously, that a professional come to that conclusion with you. For me, if I'm trying to dig deep into your motivations and what's going on, yeah, that would be where I'm coming from. Yeah. Woof. Yeah.

Okay. So, anyway, we will be sending you a charm. Yes. So, get back to me with your address and all your details. Yeah. Look out for that. Okay. Okay. So… Next question.

Moving on. Hi, Lainey and Sasha. I'll make this as short and sweet as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He's in his mid-20s and I'm a few years older. My boyfriend is originally from India and has been in Canada for nine years. He is now a citizen. We met online, started dating right away, and we both fell in love quite quickly. We have a very healthy, communicative relationship. We are kind and respectful of one another. We talk through our disagreements and I see myself marrying him one day. The issue is his parents, who I have not met, expect him to move provinces and financially support them. They envision a joint family living

situation. His parents and his sisters seem to have an incredible influence over his decision making and lately it's been causing me to feel like I am low on the priority list, although he assures me that is not true. I'd do anything for him, including living with his parents on a temporary basis and or jointly financially supporting them once I'm stable in my own career, which I'm currently not, because I feel like that is what you do for the people you love. However, I feel like I would be compromising my own happiness by signing up for a joint family living situation if that was something his parents would even allow.

I also think that relationships are give and take, and I don't see the compromise here. To be honest, he is stressed about this as well, but he sees no alternative. I don't know the extent of his parents' situation, but I do know that they seem to place a lot of guilt and pressure on him. I've told him before that there are other ways to support your family, financial or otherwise, without all living under the same roof, but I'm not sure if he would ever put his foot down. He's the type of person that tries to please everyone and he is non-confrontational. Seeing me upset over this also makes him upset, but ultimately we never seem to be able to come up with a resolution that would make all parties happy.

We don't have the financial freedom to have our own house and also have a house for them, especially in this climate. Who does? I'm so torn about how to handle this as the thought of letting his parents dictate the fate of our relationship breaks my heart. He's everything that I could want in a partner

and this situation seems impossibly unfair. Providing him with suggestions has been difficult because I'm trying to be respectful and I can't imagine being in his position. Please help. She sounds so lovely. I know.

It kind of reminds me of that movie, The Big Sick. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Which is which at the end of the day, you hope that the person that you choose to be with is all the things that this guy is, like compassionate, a family man,

really wants to make everyone happy. But at the end of the day, you also can't be a pushover just because your family has certain expectations of you. And that's what I loved about The Big Sick is when he finally confronts his parents and is like, but I'm in love with this woman. Like, thank you for introducing me to all these other women, but this is the person I choose to be with because this is what makes me happy. And I think as hard as that is, sometimes that's what you have to do. Yeah. It's a hard thing to do. This is like not anything I would want to be having to do. I would never want to be in that situation, but it seems like they have a really wonderful relationship. And I think what our writer wants is her boyfriend to stand up

and fight for their relationship as opposed to doing everything his parents want him to do. Yeah. This is hard because I… in that movie, his parents were financially independent, and stable like he was the one who was able to go off not to like revisit the whole movie but he was the one who was able to like go and pursue his comedy career a comedy which is not well paying at all and and go home and because his home was so stable he was able to pursue this dream right and how many people make it in comedy like less very few less than like one percent probably In this situation, the parents like need financial support. But what I think is so interesting here is, and what's so frustrating actually, is that our writer is looking for

compromise, right? She's like more willing and thoughtful than I would be in this sort of situation. Most people would be like, fuck, I'm not living in, you know, like I'm not going to financially support your family. I'm not going to, like, cohabitate with your family. Like, that's a lot for people to wrap their mind around. The fact that she's even trying to find solutions to this, I think, is really wonderful. So if she's trying to extend all these different alternatives for them to make this work, then there has to be something that they're willing to do to meet her slightly in the middle. Well, they've not met her yet.

Like, this is just him. Like, she hasn't met the parents. Right. But from what I understand from this letter is that basically there are no… They want him to come home. Yeah. There's like no negotiation other than living all under the same roof. So you're right.

She has offered a solution or she has offered a temporary solution. I would do anything for him, including living with his parents on a temporary basis and or jointly financially supporting them once I'm stable in my own career, which I'm currently not. But then she goes on to say, I feel like I would be compromising my own happiness by signing up for a joint family living situation. I also don't think that relationships are… I also think that relationships are give and take and don't see the compromise here.

So, yeah, she would be the one compromising and what's the compromise on their end. I, I feel like, listen, I think culturally this is, this is a situation like I'm trying to picture myself. If my parent, let's say my mother was announced that she needed to come live with us, I don't think I could say no. No. And Jacek knows them very well. And like, I don't think, but you guys would probably set up a situation where she'd have

her own suite or something like that, right? Like she wouldn't be like bunking with you guys. No, no. And this is – that's why I wonder, like, can we explore those options? Yes, it is a compromise, but I think in these situations, like, if you love someone and you marry someone, I don't know that you can extract culture from it. Like, this is quite – like, this is not uncommon in many cultures. Well, I will tell you this.

So my mom and dad met in London, England, and then they had my sister, and then my dad was going to take over the family business back in Hong Kong. So my mom moved to Hong Kong. That's where I was born, and that's where they lived, and they lived with my grandparents. Granted, the house was big, all that kind of shit, but I will tell you that it was so insanely hard for my mom because, yes, she was living with a Chinese family and they all spoke Chinese and my mom was from Yugoslavia, so she didn't speak the language. She was like the only fucking white person there. Yeah. And they didn't take to her right away. Yeah. And she felt

incredibly isolated and she didn't have her family close by. Like it was – like it was pretty awful for her for a long time. Granted, like, she got used to it, but I don't know if that's, I don't know if that's like a pro out of any of this. Like, it wasn't, it was the right choice because we all came out of it, but it was miserable for her. Yeah. So I offer that just because I think that's a reality.

And the fact that she's already anticipating that she's going to be not happy with that decision is something to think about. Well, my parents weren't in your similar situation, but it wasn't like completely different. So my dad is from a family of 10 and he and a sister came over to Canada first with my mother. And then like they were bringing in everybody else in the family, including my dad's parents. And so for a while, my dad's parents lived with my mother and my father before they divorced. And the stress from taking in my dad's parents was one of the contributing factors to their divorce. Like she felt that her parents-in-law, like my dad's parents, my grandparents treated her poorly.

Right. And it led to a lot of stress. I can definitely understand that. But I think that if I were to ask her, what would you have done differently? There wasn't, there wasn't anything she could have done differently. Like culturally, that was the expectation. Yeah. Big Chinese family, everybody's immigrating, you know, in a wave, in stages.

And it was like the expectation of, on the people who were here already to like, hey, take in the family members, take in your brothers and sisters, take in your parents. I think the difference, and this is maybe something she should think about as well, is like there was an exit plan. There was an exit plan for my mom and my dad, right? They moved to Vancouver after whatever, X amount of years. And same with seemingly what happened with your parents, right? Like they moved out or something happened whereby they found their own home again, correct?

So it's like, is there another layer of compromise here where you do it for, I don't know, five years? Yeah. And then once everyone gets their finances all sorted, because really she could be saving quite a bit of money all living under the same roof, there needs to be an exit plan in this. She's not going to be happy. She's just not going to be happy living in this family for the rest of her life all under one roof. Here's what I will say even before the exit plan, though. Like, I hear what you're saying.

You love this guy and you've been together and you're so happy. It's been three years. My concern is even before you even think of an exit plan. These are the things that you say about your possible life partner. He's the type of person that tries to please everyone and he is very non-confrontational. Seeing me upset over this also makes him upset, but ultimately we never seem to be able to come up with a resolution. I have to say it's a little bit… it's bothering me that you describe him as non-confrontational.

Listen, I'm not saying he should be the kind of guy that starts… That's not the worst trait. I'm not saying that he's the kind of guy that should, like, start fights in a bar. Like, nobody wants that guy. But non-confrontational doesn't have to be not assertive. This person doesn't sound assertive. And I think that for this to work, he, even if this happened and you have an exit plan, if he's not assertive, she's going to get walked all over.

He has to be the guy who stands up. So my question for you, and this is going to be really hard, is before you even consider what your options are and getting married and where you're going to live, is to really think about this partner that you've chosen and the way you've described him. Sorry, he sounds like a noodle. Right. But a nice noodle. And that's going to be hard for her to hear, to be like, this is like the person that I

fucking love and want to be with the rest of my life. And she probably wouldn't change anything about him. The only thing she would probably change is the fact that she doesn't want his parents to make her move in with him. Yeah, but in 10 years when the noodle is still a noodle, it's not going to be so nice. Well, right. And I totally agree with you. I think there's two things that can happen here.

Either you're – there's actually two options that just kind of have to happen. Is A, wet noodle needs to grow a set, right? And place some boundaries and think about his future with this girl. Or seemingly they seem quite young. They've only been together for three years. They don't really have their career, so I'm just… Yeah. I'm thinking they're probably in their 20s.

This probably won't be the guy that you're… this is probably going to be the thing that ends you guys, right? Just you might not end up being with him. You might love him, but he might not be the person for you, especially if he's going to take your life off the course that you… that would make you happy, right? She's being super open, she's up for compromise, but if at the end of the day she knows that if she moved under the same roof with these people that she would be miserable, then you have to remember that constantly because that would be a deal breaker.

I already think it's a, like, I really do think that if this person isn't the kind of person to stand up, then you're going to be in trouble. No matter what. Like, parents or no parents. If you don't have a partner who is, like, behind you, beside you, equally as – I keep on saying the word assertive. Like, he has to know what he wants. Non-confrontational is one thing.

Not being able to – and, you know, this is my trigger. Your trigger was, like, your mom's situation and everything. My trigger is my dad at the time was too weak to stand up to his parents and protect his wife and be like, hey, that's my fucking wife. Don't talk to her like that. don't make her do all that shit. And at the time, if I asked her, would you change anything? She couldn't change the circumstances. So they would have had to move in with them. But what she would change is for dad to be stronger. And that's why she left him. But then came back to him because

he probably realized that he needed to be stronger. Did he become a stronger man after all that? He did because she like left him, dumped him with me. And then he had to like put himself through school and be a single dad and look after me. Right. So that is, that's what the situation is, I wrote about all this in my book, and I don't want her to find herself in a situation where, yeah, she does make this compromise, and I don't blame him. Like, I'm fully supportive of him if he's like, this is my culture, and this is what I want to do for my parents, and be assertive that way to her, and then say, but here's where I can promise you that if we do this, I will support you in every way, and we will

make a happy life together, and if we aren't happy, then we will find another solution. And that's not what he's coming up with. But the problem is he's not coming to her, to the table with that. He's just like, oh, you're sad and I'm sad and I don't know what to do. Like, that's fucking, you know. And so that to me, like, let's not even go with the move and the parents. I kind of want you to really, I know you love him and this might be hard to hear, but maybe see him the way I'm seeing him and I'm getting you to come around, Sasha, to see

him. I can tell you that because that was one of my triggers. I walked into my marriage with Jacek where I was in the non-Polish, marrying into a family of all Polish people. And when Jacek's parents and I had disagreements, it was a no, like, it was a deal breaker. He had to be with me. But that's what marriage is. And it's the same way with my parents.

I have such a hard time choosing, and that's why I have empathy for her boyfriend. Listen, again, I agree with everything you're saying, and I think, yes, this is – that's how she should roll this out. But I have empathy because I would choose my family too. I know that I'm in a marriage, but I guess what the thing is, my – they don't put crazy pressure on me, my family. I don't have, like, these expectations to fulfill. Yeah, you don't need to be put into a situation where you have to choose.

No, but you know what I mean? I still would – I'm still, like, a mama's girl that way. Like, I would still probably choose what my mom said over what Corey said. Like, I understand being kind of a pushover when it comes to family. Yeah. I just, I don't think that this is… No, but, like, if your mother was abusing Corey, would you be like, yeah, mom, anything you want?

But what we're saying is culturally this isn't abuse, right? Like, this is what… No. No, this is not abuse, but this is somebody who's going into a family situation where she may find herself not, like, not having a voice. Because already she doesn't feel like she has a voice. And then that's a major problem. And there you go.

You've hit that fucking nail. Yes. Because that is what it is. You don't want to be entering into some lifelong relationship. Yes. Commitment whereby you feel silenced. Yes. That is, like, just not the way to go.

I believe in his devotion to his family and his culture. But I think that he needs to assert it in a – like, on the one hand, he could be like, hey, this is what I need to do, but I also want to be with you, so we will figure it out. I just don't think he has the strength to do that. He's not taking the reins. And I think that that might point to what I was insinuating before is that they're probably pretty young still.

Yeah. And so he hasn't found that pushback yet in him. Yeah. So I think that that is kind of phase one, to see if he will push back and be, as you said, assertive and take control over something that he needs to for the sake of this relationship. Because if he can, I think they can be happy. I think you can be happy. If he is the kind of person to give you the confidence going in there saying, hey, we

can make a life out of this. We're together. I'm with you. You're with me. I don't think that she would be feeling this way. The problem is, is that like, you know, he hasn't come to the table with anything. And that's on him, not on his family, not on his culture. it's on

like I'm sorry his weak ass so we're really sorry that we're asking you to maybe look at your boyfriend in a different light but I do think

that that's where the answer may lay yeah good luck keep us posted let us know and keep sending

keep sending questions to me at Sasha at LadyGossip.com and check us out on Google Play and iTunes and leave your comments

and we are going to be on a break for a week because our audio engineer is traveling yes so we will be back the following week bye