What's Your Drama - True Colors Revealed & Strict Life Schedules

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Today we kick things off with my poo dreams. Yes, my poo dreams. If there are any dream analyzers out there my email is wide open to you. First up on the hit list is "Carla". Carla's best bud Molly has gone dark since getting a new boyfriend and Carla is over this behavior. So does she need to suck it up or should she just move on from the friendship?  Then it's on to "Hadley" who is losing her patience with close friends and family who have really shown their true colors this pandemic. I'm pretty black and white about issues like this but Lainey comes in with the right advice on this one.Finally, we end on "Petra" who is 23 and has some serious set plans for her future. The only problem is that her current boyfriend might not have the same family vision as she does right now. Lainey and I give Petra a little reality check.We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show!   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If he has fear that he might not be a good father that, you know, because of his upbringing or whatever is from his past, I mean, yes, history repeats itself. But also there are many, many times, in fact, probably just as many times where people are more loving parents because of what Even better parents. Yeah. Right. Hi, I'm Lainey Louie, talk show host and entertainment reporter. I'm also the editor of LaineyGossip.com and I am a BTS fan. Yeah, you are. I'm Sasha Tong. I am a producer at an entertainment show here in Canada. I'm also a fashion and beauty columnist on LaineyGossip.com and I am not a big BTS fan. But this is What's Your Drama? where we gossip about you.

okay so one of my biggest pet peeves i think you know is when people talk about their dreams right you know that about me right i fucking hate it when people were like oh my god i have to tell you about my dreams like no one fucking cares i want to tell you about my dream which is okay no but i won't go into don't roll your eyes see my face because i know i don't want to know about your dream no but but can I tell you about my dream um no because I don't want but I feel like this will be interesting to you because I want you to a um it's about poo which you love you love talking about poo okay but I also would love you to armchair dream therapy me because I was high one day and I was up in the bathroom going pee and I was like oh my god why have I

never like come to terms with the fact that I have like a reoccurring dream like I would say once a month. It's this reoccurring dream that I always have. And it's me trying to take a shit in a public place, like a stall, but I can never get to like a place where I feel comfortable. No, it's a fucking nightmare. So this happens all the time whereby I'm in a stall and like all of a sudden, like there's no doors or whatever. So you can just see my head from above and I'm trying to take a shit and I can't do it because it's like, everyone's walking past or I go to these stalls and they're really dirty and so I can't take a shit there but I'm desperate to take a shit like I have why why are you burdening me with this this is so like I now I have to picture this

fuck you but I'm no but the picture is I'm not going poo because I cannot but I'm going to all these stalls and they're just not yes the stalls and the stalls are disgusting sometimes they as I said they have no walls or doors oh what do you think that actually means and I'm hoping that I'm actually just really bring this up so that there is some like dream person who's listening to this who's like let me tell you but what would you say that is all about I think you have a blockage in your life a shit like toxic stuff I think that there is something yeah I think that if there if if there is dream analysis is a legit thing yeah the symbolism of you not being able to shit because there's all these obstacles and literally it's blocking you from expressing

your excrement. It means that there's like it symbolizes something in your life that is blocking you from achieving true release. Oh, see, this is good. All right. So that might be what it is. But I it is like really crazy that this happens all the time. And I'm talking about for years i've had this dream anyway that was it let me ask you i need more details when you're dreaming this yes do you actually feel like no no so i don't wait i don't wake up from the dream and go oh fuck you know what i actually do have to take a dump no that's not what's happening like i don't have to push a poo back into my body while streaming so it's not that It's not like I'm full. It's none of that. But it's like a need to release poo out of my body

and I cannot do it because there are too many people or the situation and environment is not ideal. Okay. So what you need to do is identify the thing in your life that you wanted to achieve and what are the obstacles in your way preventing that from happening? Okay. I was thinking, you don't think it could just be like i need to let go of some toxic things in my life but i'm just holding on to it that too i mean it's one in the same isn't it because i don't know i'm trying to get over something i need to unblock something correct correct okay what is that is it me is it me well i feel like that might be where we're at this might be our last podcast anyway i thought you would enjoy that because um poo is your favorite topic poo is not my favorite topic

but it's your favorite topic so i'm fucking fascinated with my poo right now you always are i know but especially now because i i've been eating i've been eating a lot of vegetables lately and um like more than i ever have in my life trying to drop a little bit of weight and uh like the greenness of my shit is spectacular it's green oh yeah because i i'm eating something like so much foliage so much okay that like all my shits for the last two weeks 10 days whatever have been like green to the point of like it's really pretty oh okay like a little put that in a fucking vase it's like a bouquet of flowers like because because you know toilet paper is so white so it's such a pure representation of color

okay see this is gross for me i'm good maybe we should get to questions now i'm good i'm good Thank you, though. You started it. Okay. All right. Let's get to questions. First question. Hey, Sasha Laney.

I'm hoping you give me some advice on how to handle a situation with one of my best friends, Molly. Molly, Annie, and I, names have been changed, have been friends since high school. Best friends. We've always had a great friendship and love to hang out all the time. That was until Molly got a new boyfriend. Every time Molly starts seeing a new guy, she completely stops answering our group messages or making any effort to see us. It's like she becomes so consumed and dependent on whatever guy she's seeing at the time that

we are no longer a priority. Annie and I have discussed our frustrations many times, just the two of us, and have even brought it up with Molly in the past, but she always gets defensive or brushes it off as untrue. She likes to use the excuse that, quote, I'm just not on my phone much, so I don't see your messages. But then when the three of us do hang she's constantly on her phone likely messaging her boyfriend This makes it even more frustrating because we know she's probably seeing our group messages and just choosing not to answer

We're in our early 20s and this has been a pattern for her since high school as soon as the relationship ends and she goes Um, sorry as soon as she as the relationship ends She goes back to messaging messaging us 24 7 and wanting to hang out all the time But it's getting harder and harder for us to be her on-demand best friends that she only cares about when she's single Annie and I have gotten a lot closer through the pandemic and have really been there for each other through the continuous lockdowns. We live in Toronto too, but Molly got a new boyfriend in June 2020, so she really hasn't been a part of that support system.

I can feel us starting to drift from her a bit and I don't even think she realizes, so I'm torn as to whether I should continue trying to keep her involved and a part of our friend group, or if I should just leave it up to her to put in effort and fight for us. What do you think? Molly has been one of my best friends for so long and I want her to be in my life, but this endless cycle is just exhausting. Any advice is appreciated. You can make up a name for me if you'd like. C. Okay. So Molly, Annie, and the person writing is C. Give C a name.

I was going to say Carla, but Carla can be with a C, right? Sure. Carla, yeah. Carla with a C. All right, Carla. So what do you think? I mean, listen, I think you and I have both been there. I might've been this person, the Molly. I might have been Molly when I was like in my early 20s. Sorry, they're in their 30s now, though, right? Early 20s. Oh, still right in the sweet spot. Oh, this is all that.

Yeah, this this is what happens. Carla, I know this is frustrating because we've all had friends who have done this and it is exhausting. Or have been the person who's done it. Totally, totally. It's exhausting and it's insulting and it's fucking annoying. But I think something that when you were reading it, Lainey, I was thinking about, like, I've been Carla and what's the other person's friend? Annie. Annie.

I've been Carla and Annie before. And what I've done in the past, which I think is actually quite shit, is I've fostered that friendship and then and then gossiped about the Molly's and have made it harder for Molly to come back into the friendship because we've gossiped about Molly and we've like we've we've grown tighter because Molly has drifted. I've done that because I want to almost spite the person to be like, well, you're fucking missing out, bitch. like you chose your man and now you don't get to be what me and uh whatever you know so i just want before carla gets ahead of herself and like and and somehow creates more distance between her and molly i would just sort of like think about what i've just said and see if that's what you're doing too right like to kind of mean girl molly out of it because molly's like in love and has ditched you guys I get that but if you can remain like balanced and like and fair in this time then

it'll be easier when Molly gets out of this love haze and wants to be friends again I just want to play that devil's advocate here because I've been Carla and I just know that it's kind of it's just sort of like a really negative place to be like you missed your friend but then you also like fucking stick out your hand for more distance because you're hurt too and so you want to hurt a little bit back. Does that make sense? Yeah. I agree. And I really like the way you're putting that because when you're saying you're hurt too, and you're putting that distance back, the thing with the thing, the difference there is that Carla in putting the distance, it's like actively and consciously deliberate. Yes. Whereas Molly is definitely hurting you,

but I don't think it's intentional. You're right. Yeah. Now, of course, we've all been talking about intention versus impact. Like people don't have to mean things to hurt people and that's true and that's valid. And so Carla and Annie definitely have a valid reason to be disappointed, to, to miss their friend, to be hurt. But then as you're saying, like, you know, actively punishing her is another level of unproductiveness. Totally. Um, you know, I'll talk from the perspective of I've been, um, I've been, uh, Carla, like you, like we all have the friend who you're like, Oh, right. Here we go. Six months. See you later. Right. And like more and more, you kind of get used to it. Like at the beginning, you're like, Oh, and then I

don't know, after two or three years of it, you're like, Oh yeah. Okay. See you in six months. whatever right yeah um but I've also been the molly now I can't say why this molly is does this with boyfriends but I can talk about why I did it with boyfriends and at the time it was like there was probably a healthy amount of insecurity there right you know there's love haze for sure and almost intoxication like you know you can't stop it yeah that's why they make movies and write when you fall in love, it is all consuming. So there's, it's almost, it's, and I think that that's why, um, and to a certain extent, I think we buy into that because either we've all felt it or we've all witnessed it. You're almost powerless against it. Yeah. Love is a drug, right? Totally.

That's number one. But then, you know, also in my case, like when I was probably at the height of my molliness was, um, I would say early in the university years, you know, it pretty much stopped after university, I would say, or it's, I started getting out of it. Right. But, um, and you know, there's a little, and so in this age range, it's a little bit of insecurity. You want to hold on to something you want to. And so that's part of growth as a person. Um, so for Carla, like our the dilemma here is what do you do what what advice do we give to Carla I think I don't know if I have any advice in terms of here's what you should do I think our advice here is just looking at the situation the way that we've described it and trying to be a like understanding

in all the directions yeah and I think the thing though that Carla might have um some legs to stand on here is that this seemingly has been a pattern with Molly you know when you were in the height of like your blissed out love in university it was probably like your first time that you felt love right and when that happens it's like fucking hook line and sinker like you're done like bye never see you again you like come out when it's like summer again or whatever right you hibernate um but seemingly this has been a pattern for molly even before this last relationship or sorry before this current relationship so i wonder if she if carla is like you know means what she says in this letter which is she misses her friend she wants her friend to come back she's annoyed by

this behavior then I think it's okay to like call that out and just be like I miss you and I just want you to know that like it's been really hard to have this friendship with you because um you're like vacant you're never around and this has just been a pattern you seem to choose people seem like you seem to choose your boyfriends over me and over friendship I'm not asking you to like be with me and be stable to me but I'm gonna need you to check in more often and by check-in I mean answer my texts or like come out and hang out with us like I feel like you're allowed to say that because if you don't say that then like more and more bullshit just starts to like fall into the friendship so I don't think there's any harm in just like letting

her know how you feel and being honest with the fact that you feel like she's dropped the ball especially when she's in relationships what what Molly does with that that's up to her But I think you can flag that. Carla said she got defensive about it. Carla said she got defensive about it. But I think that, you know, what you said, the key there, Sash, was to communicate it with vulnerability. Yeah. I miss you.

And I need you. Yeah. And can you just check in with me? So if you sort of reframe it not as you aren't answering my text, you are doing this, and put it on you being like, I miss you. Yeah. I need you. Yeah. I want to hear from you. I want you to check in. Yeah. If you make those I statements instead of

you statements, I think it may be received differently because then you're talking about your feelings and not her actions. Totally. Yeah. I feel like you might get results if you do it that way. So keep us posted. Keep us posted. But also, I mean, I'm sure lots of people listening to this will like be, you know, be quite familiar with the situation. Early twenties. I mean, that is, this is what happens. Not to minimize it, but it's almost like a, you know, a right. It's a rite of passage. It totally is. Okay. Next question. I'll try to make this short and sweet. Oh, and they did. How do you handle friends and family members who are not at all aligned with what you stand for? I think we can all relate to the fact

that this past year has really brought out the true colors of people. For example, I have friends who I found out are diehard Trump supporters, family members who think COVID has all been bullshit, in-laws who make racist remarks, my own mother sending me garbage that spews misinformation regarding the vaccine. Overall, I just feel like I've lost respect for people around me regarding so many of the issues we've been confronted with. I've also lost hope in their intelligence, their ability to empathize and be critical thinkers. Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer that in order to change people's minds, we have to have conversation and try to not come from a judgmental place. But holy hell, I'm losing patience. I just feel ick about these people and

go back and forth between wanting to put effort into them and also wanting to ask them for being so ignorant. Do you have people like this in your life? What do you do about it? Thanks for your take, Hadley. Thanks, Hadley. And again, another question. I do not think that this is unique. I I think a lot of people are probably living with this reality right now. Okay. What do you think, Sash? Well, I feel like this has been the year of reckoning. I feel like we've actually touched upon this a little bit in podcasts before, which is

like, this has been a devastating time, but oh my God, has it ever opened my eyes to just the people that surround me? And it's actually been like, whatever, like I hate saying this, but it has been a blessing in a way because I'm like, oh, I see you now. Oh, okay. Like, that's what you think? Like, it's been really great to be like, I will not forget this. This is your stance. I am glad that I know this now because I will no longer interact with you. So while it's been very disappointing, it's also been super liberating. And thankfully, like, I don't have any of my close friends that I'm cutting off, but there are definitely people, um, that I considered whatever, like acquaintancy friends, sort of, um, that I, um, no longer see, um, eye to eye with. And so it's been, it's been, it's like alarming, but I'm also just really happy about it.

Does it complicate it more when it's like your family members? Yes. But I feel like everybody's been in this situation. I feel like everybody's had like a close friend or family member that has like showed their true colors in this last year. Okay. I get it. But as you said, luckily it hasn't been someone super close with you, but for Hadley, it's

in-laws, it's mother. Mm hmm. Well, I was wanting you to touch upon this because you've talked about the past, like sometimes your your parents have gotten some like suspect information from Facebook or wherever. And so, like, I feel like you're the best to talk about what you do with your parents that way, because you've helped them kind of see the light, too. Right. With some misinformation. Not lots of things. They're still crazy about, you know, they're still like, I mean, WhatsApp is nuts. Whatever, you know, certain Chinese community people are sharing on WhatsApp is bonkers. Mm hmm. But, you know, I'm lucky in that my parents, especially my mom, like really, really believes in me. And yeah, when I yell at her and be like, stop doing that or, you know, stop saying that. But there are definitely in my parents and especially my mom, some like like long conditioned prejudices. like my parents are like racist same racist things all the time and i have to check it and like realistically do i think that my parents are um okay elvis that's my dog i heard a little there's a little tap dancing yes um trying to get my attention and wanting to be fed 45 minutes early so no um but anyway back to your racist mom here no jokes any sounds you hear will be Elvis

um so and so yeah I think that like that is the generational cultural those those issues and I'm like do I shrug it off of course not like yeah but at the same time I I just I also have Hadley's frustration, like how do you even deliver the resources to like, how do I even have the language to talk in Cantonese to my mom about like white privilege and white supremacist structures shaping other people of color? Right. Like my parents are Chinese and they've been discriminated against, but they discriminate as well. And how do I communicate to them that that is all because white supremacy has permeated every culture around the world. I don't even like I don't even know how to say the first two words of that in Cantonese.

Totally. Totally. Right. So they're like, you know, to go back to Hadley, like, you know, I think we're just sharing here our experiences and maybe finding comfort in have like solidarity that all of us have been through this um i also think that there is sorry i don't mean to interrupt you but i was just thinking about that like it's been like a really fucking weirdo fucked up year 15 months um i also don't think that we have to take on all of our family members and friends and try to teach them the right way to live like it's a lot right now like i feel like you can give that shit a beat. Take care of yourself. Process the fact that, yeah, your family's saying some weird shit and your friends have shown you their true colors or whatever. I think you can take that

time to just be like, okay, breathe. Okay, so this is what's happening over here and over here. And then kind of like piece by piece, figure out who you can tackle first. Who's the most important person that you need them to see the truth? Then funnel those links or funnel those articles to them. But it's almost overwhelming to be like, all these people are fucking jerk faces. How the fuck am I going to figure this out? It almost feels on top of an overwhelming year to be overwhelmed with the fact that you need to fix a whole bunch of people. So I don't know. I don't think you should ever keep your mouth shut. Call that shit out when you see it. But in terms of trying to change someone's whole entire perspective, that's going to take a lot of time.

So I think you have to like kind of prioritize like how you feel about things and then next stage is like, okay, who do I need to concentrate on? You know what I mean? Instead of just dealing and healing everybody in your life. Yeah. So essentially what you're saying is like self-care. First. Yeah. And I think that's really important because if you're going to, as you said, of course, challenge it when it's right in front of you.

That is the job that we're all counting on each other to do. But when we do that, it takes something out of it. Recognize, yeah, recognizing that it takes something out of you. So the self-care part is super important. Like then, you know, make sure you look after yourself. You do the things that you enjoy that are healing. um and i because it's almost like reinforcement and readying for the next fight exactly right because we're all in like we're all gonna fight like we're all you know sash you have been super

active this year especially on your platforms like you're you know i see you you're constantly calling shit out like oh sure so are you though what ever been um but um you know there is blow back to that. I'm sure that you get the nasty blowback once in a while, right? And how do you deal with that? Well, you, yeah, you, I don't know, indulge in a gummy, you know. Totally. Or I just don't deal with it right away. Exactly. Exactly. So Hadley, I think that, you know, most importantly, what we were hoping to convey to you is, yeah, definitely take care of yourself because you're doing, you're fighting the good fight. You are confronting the things. But mostly too um Hadley I think that you're working on yourself like in in the the writing you know

what Hadley's written to us and um they you know they said you know um confronting things recognizing what needs to change that's internal like yeah you're doing the internal work and I think that's also where it starts so um I just want to acknowledge that Hadley's doing that That's actually what we're asking, not we, but we're asking of ourselves, everybody, is what work are you doing on your own? What are you reading? How are you thinking about things? Clearly, Hadley is starting to think about things on a wider lens and expanding what she, they felt and believed. And I think that, too, Hadley, you have to tell yourself that is enough.

Yeah. Yeah. Because lots of activists are actually encouraging everybody that's exactly what we should be doing. Yeah. And I think also too, is just to not, not to fear cutting people out of your life too. So I think there's a lot of like, I think, I think people are really confused with how they feel about like letting go of like a lifelong friend or like, yeah, maybe not talking to your aunt or uncle that often because they are not aligned even in the slightest to the fight you're fighting against. So it's like, I think that it's all a process and not everything has to happen right now. You don't have to cut off and educate everyone at the same second. So to

give yourself time, but then also realize that, yeah, like there are going to be an ending of some relationships. And for me, that's been fucking liberating. I wouldn't say that I'm as on board with the cutting off people as you are. Um, it depends. I mean, like someone, if you are, you know, if you're, listen, if you turn on TV and you saw someone, you know, on January supporters are done for me. Trump supporters are done for me. Sure. I mean, there are different grades of Trump supporters. Like here's what I'll say. Um, if you turn on the TV on January 6th and you saw someone like storming into the car by all means cut them off right like that is but i also think that and of course whatever marjorie taylor green like all that like fucked up crap for sure what

i'm saying though is that a blanket cut off of um certain people i think i think that negates another part of the conversation, which I think we've been learning more and more that there are quite some, there are quite sinister forces that are brainwashing people. Yes, of course. Like, you know, if you've watched all those documentaries, like the social dilemma. And recently I watched a couple of docs on Netflix. One was called, um, coded bias, which is about how, uh biased facial recognition is and how what effects it has throughout society in ways that you don't even realize like it's not just even police surveillance it's how we are like companies are biased on facial recognition and they gear certain marketing towards certain ways and we

don't even know it and then it filters down and then it changes our behavior and then there was another documentary called the great hack which was about cambridge analytica oh and cambridge analytica as you know like you know i don't need to get fucking all pbs and like um npr on this but people remember cambridge analytica like was making headlines immediately after the 2016 election when trump was elected for into like alleged like interference in the american presidential election and the ways in which they did that and the the the social media and messaging that they did through like facebook polling and facebook targeting it tells me or you know one of the takeaways is that there are people who have been susceptible vulnerable and brainwashed so

So for that, you know, and in a way they're victims, like there is a, you know, and I get what you're saying. Cause I can see, I know you're generous. No, no, you're generous. I get what you're, I know what you're saying, but you know, if this continues, if we don't recognize this, those nefarious means will be used to brainwash more and more people. So what are we going to do? Like cut all of them off?

Like it's impossible, right? If they can be brainwashed one way, I think that like there is a conversation to be had about like trying to figure out how to be more responsible with this shit so we don't lose more people. So my point to Hadley is there is space in certain areas for compassion for certain people because the ones who are vulnerable to this kind of brainwashing and brain hacking were hurting themselves. No, I get it. You're totally right. I mean, I won't say who this person is, but we have someone who's close to our family, who's in our family, who was like slightly getting sucked into like anti-vax-y kind of QAnon-y stuff because their neighbor was, they love their neighbor, but their neighbor was QAnon and they just. Did you watch the QAnon doc? Which one? No, I watched something on 60 Minutes where like this guy was QAnon-y and like maybe. his parents QAnon-y but then he realized that he realized that it was all fucked up but then it's

too late for his parents and his parents are fucking still QAnon-y anyway um and so this person who shall remain nameless um it was like very hard to see them kind of start to like think that way and it's almost too exhausting to fucking try to get them out of that when they're like fresh fucking blood into that stuff that's why I'm like uh Corey and I were like we're gonna have to cut this if this person goes any deeper they they're like cut off for a bit because it's exhausting because you give them an article then they give you some wacko jacko article back like it's it becomes like like a like a circular a secular bullshit of like article exchanges and no one's reading what's anyone else's fucking giving them i'm just saying you're right you

should give some grace to people because we need to save these people who are uh brainwashed so yeah you're right but I don't think Hadley needs to save everyone no all at once no and again I want to reiterate before people get mad certainly we don't need to give grace to racist people like charging the capital on January 6th no yeah like that is not no good here no um so Hadley good luck take care of yourself and remember like it's already good that you're doing the work keep doing the work on you. Yeah. Last question. Yeah. Okay. Last question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half now. He's 29 and I'm 23. I come from a big, loud, blended family with a lot of drama, but also a lot of love and laughter. He's

an only child with a drunk, violent, deadbeat dad and was basically raised by a single mother. He's a huge mama's boy, which can sometimes be annoying as his mom is a bit too involved in our lives. I think she likes me, but has a hard time letting him go as it's only been the two of them for the longest time. We moved in together about three months ago and he recently brought up the topic of marriage. I love him. He's an amazing man and treats me very well. That said, I have two issues. The first major one is that he's not sure he wants kids. Given how he grew up, I can understand why, but I trust him and I know he'd be an amazing dad because of what he's been through. I want kids. I always knew I wanted kids and ideally I'd like to have them between 25 and

30 and I want them fairly close in age so that they can grow up together as I did with my siblings. My second issue is his mother. I'd really, really like her, sorry, I'd really like her to take a step back in our relationship. She always has to be right because she's older and wiser and she loves to guilt trip us, it works best on him, into doing what she wants, especially because he's all she has. She can be controlling at times to the point of giving unsolicited advice on what we should eat, how we should spend our money, how to take care of our apartment, and so on. She really has no boundaries. She even has a key to our apartment. She already had it before I moved in with him. My boyfriend would travel every now and then for work. So it made sense

that she had a key before, but she hasn't given it back since. And she comes over unannounced and has even walked in on us having a couple of sex. Oh my God. No, thank you. Has even walked in on us having sex a couple of times already. I asked him to ask her to give it back, but she just won't and pretend she needs them in case of an emergency. I love my boyfriend. I really like the man that he is. And I can feel that he's getting ready to propose soon, but I don't know that I can say yes, knowing that he's not a hundred percent sure about kids. If it was the only, if it was only the overbearing mother, I might be able to deal because I feel like at the end of the day, love and fear are motivating her actions, not malice. But when it comes to having children,

I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. That would just not be fair to him or the children. And so where does that leave us in our relationship? We both know how we felt about having kids before moving in, but he's always told me that he doesn't know what might happen, but he knows he doesn't want to lose me. I feel the exact same way, but having children isn't something I can compromise on. I really don't know what I should do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Well, what's her name? Can you give her a name? didn't give didn't give go give me okay um let's go with uh petra oh i hate when you keep on giving names like that i can't will never remember okay petra duanna i know you totally are um it's hard

because like petra kind of just like asks the questions and then answers it herself like she's like you know the answers she knows the answer which is if it's a deal breaker for you to be with someone who is unsure about having a child or children, then I kind of think that like, isn't that the deal breaker? And I don't think that you can go under the assumption that he'll like change his mind unless he has said, well, let's continue dating and like, let's see how it goes. And maybe I'll change my mind. Like then I think you could like extend the expiration date on your relationship. But if he's like, I was traumatized with my father and I do not have the capacity to be a father myself for fear or for whatever, then you have to respect that which

Petra is. But then you also have to respect where the relationship is and where it ends, which is that point, which is if he doesn't want kids and you do, then sadly, you have to move on from each other. But while I'm saying this, they're not ready to break up. Right? Like I know they're not ready to break up Petra is not going to break up with him right now over this so I think her best kind of a way of dealing with this is to have this conversation with her boyfriend and tell him not to like they're not ready to be there they're no proposing yet no proposing yet no marriage yet I know she has a fucking deadline of like 25 popping out a fucking kid but that might change because they still need to figure out what's going on with their relationship before anyone gets on

their fucking need to propose. We can talk about the mother-in-law, but I'm kind of like the mother-in-law just needs to give her fucking key back and he needs to tell her, give me the key back. And then that might solve some of the problems. What's your take? I think there's a lot going on here. There's a fucking lot. Yeah. Let's start with the mother-in-law. Change the locks. Right. You're not going to give them back. Locks are changed. But even Petra said, even Petra said that if it was just the mother-in-law, it does sound to me, Petra sounds quite gracious about the mother-in-law and understanding, you know, especially that line where she says that the mother-in-law isn't coming from a place of malice.

Yeah. So maybe I should just, like, let's leave it there. Really, this is about the kid's issue. Yeah. I kind of disagree with you on your perspective on this. From my understanding, just from Petra's interpretation of her boyfriend's attitude about kids, this is coming from a place of trauma and pain. Yeah.

Yeah. That is unresolved. Yes. And so to me, this is the perfect scenario. Not perfect. I don't want to say perfect, but this is 100% why people go to couples therapy. Mm-hmm. Like, this is, I think that the fear, if he has fear that he might not be a good father,

that, you know, because of his upbringing or whatever, is from his past. I mean, yes, history repeats itself. But also there are many, many times, in fact, probably just as many times where people are more loving parents because of what even better parents. Yeah, right. So I don't think the boyfriend has been able to sort that out yet. And this is why there are professionals. This is why couples therapy works to help people figure out, um, some tools for communication and to figure out when, when they can come to a place of, um, togetherness and unifying on certain issues before becoming more serious and deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. it's been said like couples therapy when things are good is a good thing for a relationship and this is you know so petra i think this is a like a perfect opportunity if you're sensing that he's going to propose soon for you to not stop that but be like hey we're getting more serious and

i i want to like make sure our relationship is as healthy as possible let's go to couples therapy Because I do think that there are things we have to work out, including our vision and our hopes for what our family looks like, what this marriage looks like. So I would encourage that, number one. I totally agree. Sorry. Yes, you're right. And don't decide on the conclusion before you find out what happens in therapy. If therapy happens and some healing can happen and he still is like, nah, not for me, then for sure.

then be like, well, our lives are going to diverge because what we want is different. Go in your separate ways. Right. Yes. But don't call it before you like you get someone, you get the expert help and start building to start working on the building blocks of your relationship. Totally. I should have been more clear. I guess I was saying more like do not let him propose to you before you figure out what it is that he actually wants. But yeah, there is trauma and this is as you said a perfect opportunity to like hash that shit out like i don't even know like maybe it's not about going to couples counseling just yet maybe he gets his counseling and then you guys revisit together yeah to talk it out because you know that that's

some traumatizing shit that is majorly personal not to say that he hasn't right talked to you about it or doesn't trust you but he needs to figure out that decision for himself and not you sort of like breathing down his neck being like you good you good you were ready now like yeah he needs to come to that on his own and he has to come to that like authentically without feeling pressured. But yes, if you do get the sense that like proposal is right around the corner, I would really have that discussion be like, we're not ready. We're not there yet. We're not there yet because there's still a lot to figure out. And like, listen, we all have time right now and there's so much online therapy going on that if you are in a place of lockdown, then you can access

so many resources that way too. And I also think it's not just him who needs the therapy. Petra, girl, let me give it to you straight. Oh, you were going to tell Petra to check herself? Well, listen, Petra is on a schedule. I want to have kids between 25 and 30. I want them to be this far apart. We all have those plans. But if I know anything, even though I'm not a parent, I have observed people in our lives. You and I both have, you know, if there's one thing that's unpredictable, it's children and having them and how you'll feel after them and during and before. And like, yeah, this is if there's one thing in life where there's no guarantee and that it's impossible to schedule, it's this because Petra you're 23 right now. So let's say that you do

leave your boyfriend. You love him right now, but like, because you're on this, I want kids between 25 and 30 so let's say at 20 let's pretend petra is 23 and a half you know just to be fair right yeah so you're gonna ditch this guy you're still in love with him so generously then you're gonna fall in love with another dude in six months you probably want to be together for at least six months yeah generous right you know you want to be together for at least six months if it's the first guy you meet then like after the first six months are you gonna be like you don't even know what his attitudes on kids are right what if what if you meet another perfect dude and the dude's like, yep, I do want kids, but my age range is more like 30 to 35. Right. Right. So then you

have another perfect guy who does want kids, but his, like, you know, Petra, you know, I think that that rigidity, like the holding onto your timeline is also a little bit unrealistic. Nobody's saying you need to throw your dreams of being a parent and having two kids out the window. Of course not. But I think that you might have to revisit this pressure of this timeline. Oh, it's not going to fucking happen. Well, it might happen, but most likely like if you can't dictate a relationship through a schedule. No, nor can you. And we're not even talking about your relationship with somebody else, but your relationship with yourself. Oh yeah. Like, you know, these are, these are things that you're holding yourself to

that might not be fair to you because yeah yeah right listen i thought i was gonna definitely have children that was my plan so much so that i probably squeezed my ovaries to fucking death and they weren't able to fucking do it because of the no but because of the planning because of the scheduling because it had to happen it didn't fucking happen but then you learn other things and you cope you cope in different ways and you fucking are totally fine afterwards but that's what my point being is just like the schedule let go of the fucking schedule a bit like yeah that puts pressure on everybody and it doesn't do anybody good especially you Petra so I remember her name Petra I would work out why you you feel somehow that is weighing on you

that's what concerns me right like that's why I think it would be beneficial for you to talk to somebody about this schedule this you know when you were laying it out 25 to 30 and this is how many, you know, I, I worry about that for you. So I think couples therapy, single, like individual therapy is definitely a way, like definitely recommended, um, and a way to, you to work things out. So hope that was okay, Petra. Maybe it was a little bit tough love, but, um. I thought that was actually really gentle. You'll be fine, Petra. Grow a set. You'll be fine. All right. Well, that's it for us this week. Yeah. Keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com.

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Was it about you or me? It was about me. The ones about you, everyone fucking loves you. Everyone. And listen. And I'm not going to do this because everyone's been generously and super kind. But as I said, there was there was one that really fucking pissed me off. And I tried to as I said, I tried to look her up and I couldn't find her.

Why do you even do this? Because I have no life. My God, you should I should start sending you some of the shit I get on the daily. I get some of the shit you get. It's atrocious. Anyway. Anyway, thanks, all of you for listening. Even even the ones who are listening and hating hate listening.

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