What's Your Drama - Why Pete Davidson Won't Ever Be Into Us & Crappy Friends

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

Welcome back to another installment of What’s Your Drama!On today’s show: Whyyyyyyyy don’t younger men look at me? Yes, I reek of desperation and Lainey tries her best to make me feel better. Then we move onto your drama and did you guys ever bring it this week. When is the right time to pop your new found cherry, how to navigate through trauma when your friends bail on you and finally, what to do when your husband lacks racism radar.We hope you enjoy the show and make sure to send us feedback on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Pandora, or anywhere you get your podcasts. And keep your advice questions coming my way at [e-mail]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hey what's your drama welcome to your drama i'm lady i'm sasha and we are um our dilemma today is how we can be old and have young guys attracted to us yeah and this is this is all inspired. That's our drama today. Our drama, which is why can I not reel in young dick? Why? Why? Why? What don't I have? And look at me. You can look at me in the eyes. What don't I? And look, well, today is not the best day to look at me, but what don't I have? Look, I'm not here to suck your dick, but I will say that you are gorgeous. You have the most beautiful hair, such beautiful skin your face dan levy used you in his campaign to model eyeglasses so i yeah like i don't know is it 20 year olds aren't looking at me and i absolutely try to see if they're looking at me

at this point there was this super hot dude at work we don't have sorry i this is horrible to say we don't really who was super hot dude so i don't know who he was because he was like this can you describe him he was like six four this beautiful black man who looked like he was like maybe a basketball player because he was super tall and was wearing like like athletic gear and I literally was paralyzed trying to get like how long ago I didn't see this guy this was literally three days ago oh no not three days ago last week where the fuck was I why did you not 9-1-1 text me because I was like where am I this never happens and I like I got like really flustered and I started to like weirdly pose like just kind of like trying to get

some sort of good angle for him to look at me but I realized he just wasn't what are you talking about me so like did you have the opportunity to talk to him or you just thought you would be in in his field of vision and started posing yes I just got really weird and wanted and just didn't know what to do with my body because I hadn't seen such an attractive man in such a long time also in our workplace which never happens and it was one of those moments where I was like fuck I can't attract I can't attract young men anymore. And I look and I really do make sure, like, I'm like, oh, this is like a group of young boys.

I wonder if they'll double take. Never double take. Because I'm old now. But the problem, what I need to know is how are people like you… I don't think you're old. I just think that, I think that like a 22-year-old, like, ballpark his age. Oh, he was probably like 28, 29. Okay.

Okay, so people in their 20s dress like in their 20s. I don't dress like a 20-year-old. That's what you're saying? Yes. And neither do I. Yeah, I think I came to that conclusion too. And that's maybe why like the Jennifer Lopez's and the Kate Beckinsale's get the young ones is because they dress like young ones and they're really pretty.

I know, I know, I know, I know. And there's that. And also like, you know, their bodies are perfection. Yes. Jennifer Lopez's body is insane. Yes. Kate Beckinsale's body, if you all have ever checked her Instagram, is bonkers. Yep.

So there's that. So their bodies can support. Because let's face it. Yeah. When we were in our 20s, our bodies were a certain thing. Yes. They were very tight. And could wear like crop tops every day.

Yes. Very true. But we can't do that anymore. No. So now no longer will people look at us. People born in the 80s don't care about us. People born in the 90s don't care about us. Obviously, this is all inspired by Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale.

And you guys out there might be thinking, whatever, Pete Davidson should be so lucky to get Kate Beckinsale. And sure, but like he's still a rich, famous, like funny dude who has a job on a TV show. Yeah, he checks a couple of boxes. Yeah. Like, I'm saying that his, the pool that he's, like, fishing in is still pretty good. I mean, to be quite honest, Kate Beckinsale looks like a more refined Ariana Grande to me. Like, if you kind of look at, like, their long brown hair, they have, like, these tiny little features. Like, they're not too far apart. Like, he obviously has a type. And she, as you said on your blog does really really really fall for the funny guy and we noticed that in tiff uh at tiff

like a couple years ago where you did an interview with her and she's really funny so we so you produced me um in an interview i had for a film that starred i don't even remember what the movie was about anymore but it starred cara delavigne and kate beckinsale yes and i don't think i hated the movie? I don't, it doesn't. Who was the guy in it? I don't even remember. Okay.

I probably didn't even see the movie. Okay. That's typically what happens during tip. And I remember I didn't hate the movie and I quite liked Cara in the movie. You dressed up for Cara that, that interview. I did. Well, I, like I wore a dress with cats on it. Yes.

That's true. But you were very excited to meet her. Which you girl crushed on her. 20 year old dudes are not going to. Yeah. That's also note taken. It was a baggy dress with cats all over it. Um, anyway, so we were in the room interviewing Kate for like 10 minutes and I remember afterwards

she left and all you could tell me about was how you couldn't stop staring at her face. Her face was divine. I've never seen, it's, it was shocking. She like illumined, like she had illumination within her. She glowed. I remember taking the picture, um, and like, of course you looked wonderful, but like she looked really good. Yeah, no, I looked, her skin was flawless.

I looked plain. no no you didn't look plain you look beautiful but no she really is a she's stunning she's she's stunning yeah i remember thinking yes she was funny she had like a she was quick dry she was yeah quick dry but also like cold which you also love that shit like you are also drawing to people who don't want to have anything to do yeah you don't i don't know what that means but it's like a very desperate desperate desperate quality of mind you were like she hates me so i love her You are right. That is really, really quite accurate.

So there is a vibe to her where you just want to please her or she maintains that. She plays hard to get. And yet without being like, but also combined with that sense of humor, there's something to her. Why isn't she more famous? That's interesting. I don't think she's a great actress. Oh, I challenge that.

What do you challenge that with? She was in a movie a few years ago called Love and Friendship, and she is unbelievable in that movie. Is it a comedy? This movie does not register. She, like, there was, no one saw it, or, like, not enough people saw it, but there were people who thought that she should have been nominated for an Oscar for this movie. Okay.

It was really good. She was really good in it. Anyway. But still, like, nothing that she does really hits the radar for people. Like, she hasn't, yeah, she hasn't had that big, massive. like, moment. I wonder if that has anything to do with kind of the personality and vibe she puts off, right?

Like, she's like a true Brit in the way that she is cold and funny. The one thing that, like, doesn't fit in about her is that she overdresses. I can't. Yes. I can't. Right? We both agree on this. Same dress, time, time, and time, and time.

Like, it would, it'll be like, I don't know, a rock and roll event and she'll wear Elisa a thousand times. Right? You're actually right. And maybe that's what it is. It's like, she's sort of so, she's so stunning, but her fashion is so basic that when she does arrive on a red carpet, there's not even like any intrigue to like talk to her. Cause you're just like, you're wearing the same goddamn dress you wear all the time.

And it's just princessy. Yeah. It's never anything interesting. Or she does like super tight body con lace cutouts. Sure, but more. That's still a snooze. Whatever. But I mean, I don't know.

Yeah. I think that that is the only part of her given how interesting she is in person. She is talented. that doesn't seem to fit the puzzle of who the maze of Kate Beckinsale is. Anyway, we are not Kate Beckinsale and we're not fucking, nobody walking by us under 50 is looking at us. I don't even think 50 is looking at me either. This is what's, oh, fuck you.

I'm not playing this. I really actively look and I will continue to actively look if anyone is looking at me again at like a lower age bracket because they're not and that's fine. That's fine. I'm not Jennifer Lopez. I'm not Kate Beckinsale. I'm not who else I'm not Halle Berry you're okay you're okay I've got Corey

there we go yeah yeah oh yeah I guess I have yeah yeah there we go the door prize all right so let's get into your drama okay okay uh hello Sasha and Lainey I'm a junior in college and how do I put this I'm basically a functional virgin several years ago I had a relationship with a guy several years older than me and we had sex one time. I was not comfortable then and I have come to realize the situation and the relationship were rather manipulated. I really do not consider this to have counted. Since then I have completely tried to avoid getting into any situations where a penis may come at me. But I met a guy a couple months ago and he was flirting with me and I have been flirting back. Our friends say that he's really into me and tease me because I do really

like him. I doubt he would take it any further than flirting on his own and I'm not sure how to encourage him or if I should make the first move. It's kind of hard for me since I'm a little afraid of putting myself out there, but I really do like this guy and I want to push myself to overcome previous experiences. How do I go furthering this relationship? And should things progress? How should I explain my previous experience? And why am I so freaked out about hooking up? This seems so adolescent. Thanks, Donnie. Okay, so Donnie is a born-again virgin. Yes. Can you remind me what age a junior is in college? So it would be the equivalent of third year i believe in canada because it's um freshman sophomore junior senior okay so we're talking like

22 20 20 yeah oh okay yeah okay 20 if if you go straight to college from high school okay 20 it's like 20 max 21 got it okay so uh born again virgin so the time that she had sex it was one time it It was one time with the man that she was with who was several years older and she felt manipulated. Right. So when you're describing a situation like that, looking back and you call it manipulated, I'm thinking there are some concerns here. And if there are concerns, there may be some trauma.

Yep. And there may be some processing you have to go through to be able to fully examine what happened there and what happened to you and probably the wrong that was done to you. Yeah. Right. I think that's my instinct too, is to first get at that. And I'm sure that you're in college, there's probably some really great guidance counselors or free kind of therapy, or maybe you should start talking to your friends about it.

Because I think once you kind of, it doesn't sound like you've, I think you're still fearful of whatever happened. You haven't told us, but it obviously wasn't a fun, happy thing to be doing. And then once I think you can come to terms with those feelings, then yes, I think it's important to push forward and this guy sounds really nice. And if you feel safe with him and the next step after therapy or talking with your friends would be to give this guy a chance. He sounds like a nice guy.

And I think the most important thing here is that you would feel safe with him. Yeah. You feel safe with him and you feel open to talk to him about your past experiences. I think that will lead to the groundwork of hitting the sheets. Well, I think this is also really good. Like, clearly this person has made you feel safe enough to reopen interest in flirting and getting to know someone and exploring all the weird, awkward dynamics of chemistry. And that's exciting.

I think you should be excited. Don't be scared. For sure, it's confusing, but it is always confusing. Like anytime anyone hooks up or is thinking about hooking up with somebody, it's never like, oh, here are all the answers. Let me just do this. And there's no reason why you can't start unpacking whatever it is that is residual from that previous experience at the same time as continuing to flirt and talk with

this guy. There's no rush. And I, but I feel like I sense that what your question originally was, was like tips. Like, how do you take this further? And I don't know that you can know how to take it further without going backwards and figuring out what happened to you so that you can assess what works for you, what cues you like and what cues you don't like. Clearly, whatever things that this guy's dropping right now, you're like into.

Yeah. Great. He's done great so far. So if you want to move forward, we have to make you ready for the next step of moves that he's going to make. Right? Yes. I also think there's like, I mean, you're 20 and I think people like really get scared about this whole losing your V card. Like what they're just trying to get at it. They just want to fuck, get it over with. And I don't think that that has to always be the case. Like you don't have to lose your virginity by a certain age. You don't have to do

it like the rest of your girlfriends or the rest of your guy friends. Like you don't have to lose your virginity now if you don't want to um you can take the time you know you're only 20 there's so we get so i get so many emails of uh women in their 20s who still are virgins as you say you're a functional virgin but um i don't think they're you don't need to rush it right now like i think right now is and he said is to like take a step back figure out what happened that trauma with your last relationship and then kind of play around with this guy like put yourself out there too. I think it's important. Um, you seem like probably a little bit reserved, so I think you should flirt back and really, and like go out on dates and, and, and see where it goes, see how it

develops. I also think too, that like sex gets better the more you have of it. So horrible the first time. Exactly. So all of this pressure that's put on this like first time or like first time with an asterisk next to it is like, I would stop thinking of it that way. In fact, I would actually think to yourself, Hey, the next time I have sex is definitely going to be consensual. I'm going to agree to it, but it may not be a 10 out of 10. It may be a five out of 10. Cause like you and this person have never done it before. And this five out of 10, the next time we'll go to five and a half. And the next time after that will be a six. And eventually, hopefully you'll get to a 10. Like people seem to think that every sexual encounter, like, and we're not talking

about consent here. Like we're talking about every sexual encounter, even that is consensual is like, yeah, as you said, fucking lit, fire, whatever. No, no, no. It's always awkward. Yeah. Sometimes you can agree and you're right there and you're attracted to the person. And then like, you're like, oh, well that was, you know, medium. Yeah. It's usually like, yeah, it's usually a five and then plateaus at like a seven for a little while and then it'll raise over time. But yeah, like I think there's this expectation that it has to be like so fucking hot.

Typically isn't. So that's also something to put in your back pocket too. But remember that too, that like when it comes, maybe it's going to be with this guy, maybe it's going to be with another guy. But when that time comes, like don't like, you know, get yourself in a position where you're like, if it's not like fireworks coming out of your eyeballs and angels singing that somehow it's

sucky and it sets you back that is we should keep that separate from all the other shit that you're dealing with and that you have to address from your past yes and i do think and i think we kind of touched upon it but i do want to reinforce the fact that i think it is really important that if you do take that step with this guy and things are going well and you're like you know i'm gonna do the fucking date with him, is to maybe have a conversation with him about your past experiences. Like, I think it's really important to be open. I don't think there's anything to be sheepish about when it comes to that. So that everyone's sort of, like, everyone's taking it slow.

Everyone's understanding of everyone's position. Like, I really do think that's important. So, yes, have a conversation with him beforehand. Get to know him. Because that's where the safety comes. When you feel like you know somebody and you trust them, then things go well. And also, yeah, see some counselors and maybe start talking about what happened to you because manipulated is a very interesting word.

Yeah. It's hard for both of us to understand what that means. Or ignore that you use that word. Given that you're telling us where you are in, we think, your life, your age, and if this happened a few years ago, now I'm getting a little bit, like I'm trying to put some math together and I'm feeling like this is something that may not have been a kosher situation. Agreed.

All right. Let's move on to another question. Hi, Lainey and Sasha. Going to try and keep this light as to not seem down or whatever. I'm quite a happy person in general and don't want to come off as though I'm emotional or mentally affected by this daily. So let's get the hard part out of the way. A few summers ago, my drink was spiked with something and I was sexually assaulted at

a late night concert. I remember going to the bar and buying drinks for my friend and the next thing I know it was morning and I was waking up in a hotel room of five men I managed to contact my sister and leave call the police do the whole report case thing it's still ongoing yada yada so here's the thing that Sunday I was with my friend let's call her Sarah we're quite close and had been for a couple years we go out together etc anyway we're with her entourage of maybe five or six people that I knew of but didn't ever meet before this night Sarah and another friend of mine let's say Tasha had an early morning flight to Vancouver the next morning for yet another concert that week,

and Sarah and I had planned on having a sleepover Sunday at hers and heading to the airport in the morning together. I got lost at the bar, and this is where I lose all recollection of what happened. Now, the next morning when I wake up, I see endless texts from Sarah, Tasha, my mom, and my sister because they had contacted them. Sarah had been texting me from the moment we lost each other. Over a three-hour span of that night, she texted me saying she couldn't find me, she was worried, she knows this isn't like me. After three hours, she sent a text saying she was getting a cab home and hoped to see me there, which I was not. Fast forward three more hours and it's around 6 a.m. and we should be waking up together to get ready to head over to the airport.

Obviously, I never made it to her place during that night and Sarah wakes up only to frantically message me even more as her, Tasha, and I had a flight to catch. This is where the drama for me commences. Regardless of losing the hours and hours the night before, Sarah and Tasha both blowing up my phone and further contacting my family, they still made the decision to get to the airport get on the plane and go on our planned summer trip trio all while worrying about me long story short they found out the majority of what happened while boarding apologizing for what i went through and did offer to help me pay a flight out the next day as i missed ours but i was no longer in the mental space to go they had an okay time they proclaim and felt remorseful for lack of

attention to my situation as well as heading to the airport before checking my whereabouts and i forgave them however over the last span of the last two years the two girls have become closer and closer without me whereas i usually would be equally involved especially with tasha who her and i have established friendship even before meeting sarah a few months ago i even brought up to tasha i miss her and our friendship and would love to reconnect a few days later on her birthday i sent her good wishes and asked her if i could partake if i could partake in any birthday shenanigans to which she replied there's nothing going on a few hours later both she and sarah were posting all over social media a party for tasha's birthday that was the last straw for me and i ended up

deleting and blocking both girls off completely but to be honest i missed the friendship we had and i'm wondering if there's any way i could have handled the situation better or if the way if or if there's a way to still keep these girls in my life they were two out of the three of the close friends i have and it sucks to feel eliminated again sorry for this long and deep drama but that's my drama jay oh jay yeah i'm so sorry oh yeah that's a lot um i think much like our last um our last email writer donnie i really think the focus has to be on what happened to you um i i'm a little i'm just a little bit thrown off by the yada yada yada and that you don't want to be a burden and this isn't a problem and that you're really happy and let's not concentrate

on this let's concentrate on my lost friendships so that to me that to me makes me really sad and I'm not and I don't know the whole story I don't know if you've done all the therapy I don't I don't know how long this has been for you and how much how much you have gone through to get on the other side of it so if you have I'm a asshole I'm sorry but my focus really is I hope you're okay i hope you're in an okay mental space yeah both of us yes both of us i mean i you know if there was anything anyone could do to take back what happened obviously like this is horrible tragic and i hope that like you've pursued the legal means i hope it worked for you because we all know sometimes it doesn't i hope you've pursued the mental health aspect of it yeah

exactly. That said, I do think, unfortunately, that the two situations are related, not just because it happened in like the same space and that night and all of that, but because I think that your trauma related to the loss of these friendships is also related to what was taken from you that night so your physical being that was supposed to be safe was stolen violated and also your friendships which are the things that you held dear and which were safe to you were also in a way betrayed um and i i hope that you can continue to address that through the ways that you're addressing them if you are, because there must be some hurt and even anger there. I'm angry for you, if that's okay to say.

I'm furious for you. Like, I don't think I would have gotten on the plane. I would not have. And that's what I was thinking about when I was reading this. I have two of my best friends in Vancouver. They are, you know, they are my ride or dies for sure. I know for a fact they if I was MIA there is no way in hell they would get on that plane without knowing where the fuck I was yeah fine maybe some other plebby friends some other friends

who just like didn't really care and they were just like wanting me to go on a trip fine go on the plane we have no like actual solid ground but your best friends like you said these are the two two out of three of the people that you rely on the most in your life if those two out of three are going to take off because they think that they don't even know you're alive. Yeah. They don't even know you're fucking alive and they're going to get on their fucking trip to Vancouver and party it up. Are you fucking crazy?

Yeah. And it's a layer of betrayal that is on top of how the world betrayed you really in what happened to you and, you know, that you don't remember. And so I definitely think those things are associated. and I definitely think it's fair for them to be associated in your mind as you try and, like, as you said, Sash, get to the other side of this experience. Of course it wasn't their fault what happened, like, in that moment.

But the whole incident has become, like, this pit of despair for you because, you know, again, it's like a night of so many losses. Yeah. And I'm so sorry that, you know, this is, this has happened to you. And I'm so sorry that unfortunately now you're in the position to have to like deal with it and confront it. Like you never asked for any of it and now you have to do the work to get beyond it. Like it's unfair to you. And like, I want to carry that. Like, I wish I could take away that unfairness for you. It sucks. It's fucking horrible. And I think also what makes me even more angry about your friends taking off and you find,

like, let's say they were just like stupid and like hung over and made a stupid decision and went to Vancouver for this concert. But then they came, if you had told me they came back and they were like, oh my God, wow, that was a blind spot. Okay, let's be like, we're here for you. We're going to support you. We're going to like, there's no mention of that. And I feel like you would have mentioned that if that was the case.

So not only did they fucking leave you high and dry at probably one of like the most horrible experiences of your life, but they never came back to support you. They actually did the opposite. They cut you out of their entire social life. So it makes me sad and I get it. Like I'm sure you're just sort of like there's almost like an emotional whiplash here where you're like, what just happened? I've lost my friends.

How do I get them back? I miss them. Yeah. Listen, blessing in disguise. I really do think that like as hard as it is, like that's not true friendship. That is not true friendship. They might have been fun. Yeah.

They might have been really fun concert goers. But when you like that is like you need your friends to be there for you at the worst times. And if they can't fucking step up, then they need to step the fuck down. But, you know, I get it. I understand. And listen, we're not psychiatrists. And there are many, many ways to interpret how you might be internalizing what's going on.

And so I do get from a certain perspective how, you know, even though you were the one to cut it off and be like, I'm done with them, in your mind, you're still turning over. Is there something I could have done differently? Is there? And again, like, I wonder if that's transferred feeling about the other thing. And listen, again, I may be way off, we're not psychiatrists, but we all look back at terrible things that happened to us that we had no control over, but we say like, hey,

should I have walked the other way? Should I have like not taken that bus that morning? Trying to fix it, how to fix it. Exactly. And I guess, you know, that's what therapy is for, is to help you survive this by not blaming yourself by not asking what you could have done differently. You did everything perfectly. You reported, you forgave, you forgave your friends. Like you said, you forgave them and they let you down again. So, and then you said, okay, I'm not going to, that's not, I'm worth more.

Don't regret that. Don't question that. You've, you've like the purpose of your email is to actually say to us, I'm wondering if I could have done anything differently. So if you can take away anything from this, we're saying, no, you were perfect. You were like, you were just doing you and it was everything around you that was broken and flawed and there's nothing you could have done. Yeah. And it proves to me that you're actually a really good friend. The fact that, you know, you did forgive them. You did try to move forward. You did try to be like, hey, I miss you. Like you, you tried to extend the olive branch to be like, let's like hang out again. And then you finally reached your tipping point where you're like, fuck you a-holes. You're

not even like, now you're like disinviting me, excluding me, keeping secrets from me. Fuck that shit. Yeah. Your initial reaction to block them out of your life was the appropriate, correct decision. So we want you to know that we support you and we definitely support you going and continuing the work that you've done or if you've done it. If you haven't, please, please go see someone and talk to them. But hear this. You were right and it was everybody else around you who did you wrong. All right.

Last question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I have an issue that's been bugging me all weekend. To give you some background, I'm Filipino and my husband is Caucasian and we have three small mixed race kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like me. We went into Banff this weekend for a dinner after a day in the mountains.

As we were on our way for ice cream, the kids darted in front of another family. I followed my kids and apologized for them, saying sorry. When the guy made a snide comment while continuing to walk along. Good thing Chinese people are so short. It took me a minute for his comment to register to me. By the time it did, my children were already in the ice cream store and my husband was trailing behind me. When it did, I yelled back, that's racist, you fucking asshole, where he replied with a laugh and continued to walk along. Looking back, I really wish I had done more.

However, this is not what's been bothering me since then. I'm really disappointed in my husband. The fact that he did not say anything or stand up for his family is really weighing on me. A white man that stands 6'2", towering over the racist himself. It would have been nice for him to say something. The guy was obviously an ignorant fuck, and it would have been perfect for another white person to put him in his place. Since then, I have argued with my husband, stating my disappointment

and telling him he should have done something. My husband's defense is that it didn't register until after I had said something, and the guy was well on his way. He also says not to give the guy power and stoop to his level. I, however, would have loved to kick his ass. Is that too much to expect for my husband? When I tell people about what happened,

they always say they're surprised my husband did not say anything. I have defended him, even though I'm disappointed myself. I want to carry on with my relationship, but I can't help but feel let down by him. I'd love to know your thoughts being both that you're Asian

and married to white guys. Chrissy. Oh, Chrissy. after every I love how like immediately I was like yeah I know what's going to happen here or I know a version of what's going to happen here last year

Yasik and I went to play golf and we like you play golf in a foursome right so it was us and then I invited a friend she's white and then like another person and the like before you start your round

you check in with the marshal like you're like hey we're the 7 p.m or the we're the 7 a.m group right we're four we're foursome and the marshal just assumed that yasik and our girlfriend were the couple right right like it's that is white on white white on white right this is an older white gentleman and so it made me think about different forms of racism like is that the same as of like beating somebody up. Of course not. But these are what we call microaggressions, right? And microaggressions are also racist. Yes. And the accumulation of microaggressions can be just as hurtful and leave like lasting consequences as like, you know, overt forms of racism. So, you know, and by this point, like I'm, I'm where I am in life. So of course it's not

going to leave the, the, the scar that it would have done when I was younger. But these are the everyday things that people of color have to deal with. And it's fucking like the worst. Yep. And I hope everybody listening to this can, if you are in the position of being white, understand that. And we talk a lot about this and you talk a lot about this on your blog is having an ally and you sure as shit want the partner that you've chosen for the rest of your life to be a fucking ally I will say this though um and you kind of hit on exactly what I was saying like was what he said this stupid dumb fuck about the Chinese people being small was it like super horrible on the racist scale no um would I have and I and I don't want to knock our writer

because she reacted the way that she fucking wanted to react so props to you but I really do think now that I've gotten to this age and I've experienced a lot of these kind of microaggressions is I no longer want to lash back. I want to have a fucking conversation with these dumb fucks. And I would love to just put it on them instead of being like, you racist fuck. That ends the conversation that, that no one, no one gets anywhere with that. But maybe just stop to be like, excuse me, sir, you see my three children. Why would you say something like that? Just to put it back on the dumb fucks so that you can get an answer, so that you can shame them somehow. Because what happens when you lash out and call someone a fucking racist? They're not going to

take that seriously. That's not going to permeate their heart. But if you actually have a conversation and can maybe start a dialogue, I think that to me is more important. But I know that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about your husband. No, I think we're talking about all kinds of things because this whole issue is so layered. And I, I totally see your point. And I think a lot of people out there would think, okay, that's reasonable. We all need to talk more. I think that the fatigue that people of color have is why don't I have to modulate my voice and not say, fuck you and be the one to go up and be like, hello, sir. Do you not realize that, you know, you saying that in front of my children is like, once again, the burden is on people of color to

educate and to be generous of spirit. And it can be tiring. And that's what Chrissy is feeling right now. Like at a certain point, you're so exhausted by having to first take these microaggressions. Then you understand that like, oh, everybody says that for change to happen, everybody has to come together. So we have to be at the same table with essentially the people who've been our oppressors. That is really hard and exhausting. Yasik and I have this conversation all the time like we have had heated conversations about it where I say to him like I know like everybody should talk and talking is good but like you know black people especially and indigenous people they're fucking tired like why should they spend even more energy I agree you know like it

so it's very complicated that said this situation is about the husband yes I get it so what you wanted chrissy was for him to fucking go like full-on bar brawl and you know i don't think you want that that's what i don't want i don't need some dude beating up some old stupid ignorant fuck well that's you she does she said that but i don't think that that i know i i think that the difference here is let's not have a fucking maury povich brawl at the ice cream parlor let's i want her husband to stand up for not only her but her fucking children yeah but I don't think that like when she was like I would want his ass kicked I don't think that's the answer I don't want that I don't want that to be the answer look if it is the answer and if it's what Chrissy wants to be

the answer then I think that what we have to work towards is how she can get beyond this and make that happen unfortunately the next time this something like this goes down if there is a next time. Here's the thing, Chrissy. I don't know enough about your relationship. You haven't shared with us if this happens repeatedly and he let you down before, or if it was the first time you were able to explain to him, hey, this is what I want from you as my husband and the father of these mixed race children. This is what I need from you. I think that for you, I get it. You're so frustrated today, but this is where we do have to spend the energy, not on strangers, but in our homes, right? Like this is where you do have to sort of move him towards allyship

in your home because you share children with this person. You share a home with this person. Well, I think the thing here that we have to all understand is that white people just don't get it. Many white people. Okay, fine. The majority of white people do not get it. They're not conditioned to listen out and spot out every racist remark because that shit doesn't happen in their life. And it's interesting that Chrissy had mentioned that it didn't really register to her husband until the dude had turned the corner. Yeah.

Right? It was like a delayed reaction. Yeah. And so I guess, Chrissy, if this was the first time, then like in any marriage, you set expectations, right? Hey, I'm telling you right now, as your partner and fellow human being who wants equality, we need to come to an agreement as to how we're going to stand side by side next to each other. And this is, if Chrissy wants a throwdown, which is a different conversation. Okay, Chrissy, like, I mean, that let's, I'm not tackling that today.

But like, if that, Chrissy, if that is how you want this kind of thing addressed, then as your, like, as his partner, I think you have to set that expectation. And both of us have white partners. And so I think at this point, Yasik would know. But when we first got married and like the first microaggression, like, I'll give you, I think maybe I've told this story before. When we first got together, we went camping. well he took me camping for one night one fucking miserable goddamn night and so we go on this road

trip and we're driving through oregon and we're passing through like small towns and we went into a diner we were hungry and um i walked in and like it was a small american town in oregon so you can imagine like it might have been like three months since they'd seen their last asian right and so everybody turned to look at me i know you know how what that feels like he didn't notice he was completely oblivious to because it doesn't happen to him right right so i felt uncomfortable but i you know as we do as people of color you get through it you eat your meal and you leave and then i told him about it we were about six months into our relationship at this point and he was like what are you talking about i didn't notice like it wasn't rude he wasn't rude about it but

he was like no i didn't notice that yeah but when i pointed it out to him gradually he started noticing. And now sometimes he notices before I do. So the next time, like five, six years ago, when we were driving across, I was going to bring this up. Yes. Five or six years ago, when we were driving from Vancouver to Toronto to move here, we stopped at another small town. I think it was in Dakota or something like that. And we stopped for gas and it was a small, small white town and people in pickup trucks, the kind that like ride in the back, like in the, in the cab or what, what is it called? The flat part of the pickup truck. Like they were riding that way. And he said to me, scoot down, get down, do not let them see you. Like he, he just was

very pre-protective. Like maybe those people were like members of like the NCAA. Maybe those people donate to like the NAACP and like we misjudge them, but out of, as a precaution, because now he's been with me for so long and he'd seen the microaggressions he was like get down yeah i'm gonna just fill up the gas real quick and we're gonna get the fuck out of here but just scoot down i remember texting you when you were driving and you were like i am so scared and yasik won't let me out of the car and i was like hey great like and that's what it is right laney has trained yasik to be aware yeah and protect her and this is what we are hoping that your husband will do not only for you but your fucking children right yes and i think that is the most important thing

here is like you have these like cute little beings who don't know what the fuck is happening and then all of a sudden they hear their mom yell and then their parents are fighting because some fucking person called them short like but Chrissy let me give you something that will maybe be hopeful for you as frustrated as you are when this communication starts to happen and when hopefully your partner like my partner not just comes around to it but sees it it is incredibly validating because as people of color sometimes we're told that we're crazy for feeling that way. What are you talking about? And so for Jacek, he's not doing it just because I asked him to. He legitimately has felt it. So he didn't imagine that those situations might have been

dangerous. He knew as a white person, he was like, yep, I'm not imagining this. This is legitimate. And there's something so rewarding. You finally feel seen. And there's a bond that is created where when the person you love says, yes, I understand now or I'm beginning to understand like how you have felt, it confirms your experience and there's something tremendously healing in that.

So Chrissy, I look forward to that for you. And I think Chrissy will get there. I think, and that's what, you know, she's like, I don't know what to do. I like him, like I love him, but I'm, you know, I get your anger, but I think that if you do express to him like what what you've gone through in your life and then for him to start actually opening his goddamn eyes and seeing what's going around

I think you will find an ally in your husband for sure can I talk about one really quick thing yeah what do you think just because this popped into my head while we were reading this question is do we not think that chink in the armor needs to go um like ever heard another racial slur be part of like common cute little phrases well the thing is is that i think chink in the armor as an expression is way older than the slur right but we now know what yeah means and also do do we like can't we just say like chip in the armor yeah that's great i mean it's it's it's kind of like gay like how we don't say we're like that's so gay anymore. Like, listen, we grew up in the eighties and that was a thing we've all said

before. Like that's so gay. I had to train myself to not say that anymore. Pejoratively. Like let's call out our own flaws. But like a hundred years ago when like uppity, like classy people, when they use the term gay, they would be like, what a gay party we had last night. But then people stopped saying gay. But the word changed. And so I feel like chink and PS, we can say chink. if you are not asian you can't say it it's like the n-word okay it's but that's what i mean every nothing really gets me like shook until i hear like someone say oh the chink in the armor i'm like what why why do you say that like i really do think that it would be really nice if we could phase that out and i don't want to be like every word is untouchable if it's offensive to everyone

yeah but like you actually have a racist slur that people say all the time and i'm not saying don't say the ch part you can say that just say chip chip instead of chink that's where i'm at right now can i just leave it up maybe yeah let's leave it there and maybe let us know what you think we i would love your feedback on that like you know there are other ways to there are other ways to describe a piece of armor that has been damaged yes i feel like there are alternatives that's all that's all i wanted to say especially when colloquially the word chink oh everybody immediately knows like what that's

supposed to mean yeah and once again I would like to stress we can say chink I can half say it but it is Chinese New Year

today but nobody else if you're not Asian can say it don't write in nope yeah

say like yeah C dash dash dash K yeah totally we will accept those alright thank you for sharing your drama with us yep

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