When Reality Hits with Jax and Brittany - In The Mind Of A Man with Kimberly Rae

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

Author, matchmaker, and dating expert KIMBERLY Rae joins Jax to call him out on all his bad habits! Check out our holiday sponsors!! Nutrafol: Got thinning hair? Get $10 off your first month’s subs...cription and free shipping at Nutrafol.com and use code REALITYHITS RoBody: Curious about GLP-1s? Go to Ro.co/realityhits to find out if you’re covered for free. Progressive: Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive!

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Starting point is 00:00:00 So welcome back to In the Mind of a Man. Jax here with a super exciting episode. This week I have a very special guest, someone I actually came across on social media that intrigued me. She's a matchmaker and a dating expert that has coached thousands of people on dating towards long lasting, committed relationships and avoiding wasting time in the gray area connections and situationships. I can't wait to get into that.
Starting point is 00:00:25 Can you believe this? I only found out about the term situationships a few weeks ago, which I did. And to find out there's actually dating coaches specializing in this area is truly fascinating to me. So let's welcome Kimberly Ray. She's actually sitting right in front of me. So this is not a Zoom.
Starting point is 00:00:41 This is even more uncomfortable than ever. She's in the studio with me. Kimberly, thanks so much for being here today. How are you? Thanks for having me? I'm sweating. I'm nervous. I'm turning red I'm gonna probably be lost for words because I've never sat in front of a dating coach before therapist Yes, but never somebody that's gonna like focus on this and find out all my flaws. So I'm super excited about that I'll try not to embarrass you. Okay, well tell me a little bit about yourself. First of all, I gotta ask, how did you get into this?
Starting point is 00:01:12 Yeah. I probably shouldn't be asking this later down the line, but I need to know how you got in. How does somebody get into this situation? And I hate to say this, don't take this offense, were you scorned in some way and you thought, you know what, I'm gonna fucking help these women out because I'm not letting this happen to them. Yeah, well I, you know, it's interesting.
Starting point is 00:01:29 I kind of always wanted to go into this space. Like even in college I was like, I want to be a dating coach. I interned with a dating coach and just thought it was really interesting. Did you date a lot before this? Yeah, I mean I was dating and I had been in situationships and I had my own experiences, so I had a lot to draw from. But then when I graduated, I went straight into matchmaking.
Starting point is 00:01:53 And so I had like... Wait, how did you like, you went straight into, like, did you start your own business? Or did you like... No, I started working for an agency. Okay. And so right from the start, I was like matching pretty high profile people and giving advice at a pretty young age. Really? In my early 20s yeah. And then yeah at the same time having my own experiences and like... Do you find it
Starting point is 00:02:15 therapeutic? Yeah. Do you find it like do you feel like really good after giving off a conversation like okay? Yeah. Yeah, well, I'll get into that. Okay. Okay, so I am, okay. I wanna be honest, I really wasn't sure what you're gonna say yesterday. If you were actually gonna do the podcast with me, I feel like I'm probably the exact guy
Starting point is 00:02:36 that you tell your clients not to date or be associated with. So in full transparency, I had my publicist, Lori, who is here right now, reach out to you and test the waters to see if you would be open to this. Lori told me she really laid out, you know, everything that you're allowed to say,
Starting point is 00:02:53 and you have full permission to call me out on anything you want, that's why I'm really nervous. So I really appreciate you coming in today, and I'm gonna hold, I'm sorry, I'm gonna hold to that, and I guess I'm just gonna let you ask me anything you want. Yeah. Well, I was telling Lori, you remind me of a lot of my male clients.
Starting point is 00:03:12 Oh, great. Because I work with a lot of women, but it's, I kind of tend to attract this like, just personality male, like the male clients have big personalities and they're similar to you where they've had Interesting paths and they're kind of ready to to pursue something serious or just kind of have that awakening of like, okay, I'm kind of Understanding what I did in the past. I want to try to Try to move in a different direction. So So yeah, you got a brick like if you deal with a lot of guys that are around my age, mid-30s, like
Starting point is 00:03:47 40s, it's so hard to break these bad patterns. And unfortunately for me, I have a lot of bad patterns. I don't want to sound conceited or whatever, but it was never really, dating was never really hard for me. It just came to me. And I just really wasn't, I just really wasn't the best person. Maybe it's because of my past and what I did for a living.
Starting point is 00:04:12 And I just kind of, I almost just didn't care. And it's just awful to say now, now that I can reflect back on it. I just didn't care. I just go through the motions. I don't know if I ever really truly loved any of these girls. I just think I went through't care. I just go through the motions. I don't know if I ever really truly Loved any of these girls. I just think I went through the motion. Yeah. Do you when you look back to like your early 20s?
Starting point is 00:04:31 30s were you dating differently than I don't even know I'm so God if we're going back to my early 20s 30s I don't even I mean I would not consider them like I was in love. I would consider them Yeah, girlfriends, but even, I just never took it seriously. I just figured this is what you do. You're supposed to get a girlfriend and this is what you had. And my buddies had one. So I'm like, I might as well get one. And because, well, I didn't want to be the one that was left out. So I might as well get a girlfriend. Regardless if I, wow, I really attract this person. I like what she does. I almost skipped all that. I was superficial. I said, you know what? She's hot. I had no idea of anything else.
Starting point is 00:05:06 She was hot and this is the person I want to sleep with. So there was no societal pressure of like needing to start a family or head in that direction at all. No, I had none of that because I guess, you know, living in Hollywood and the industry I was in, I'm in the entertainment world and I just, the last thing I was thinking about at that time was families. In fact, before I met Brittany, I never wanted to get married, never wanted animals,
Starting point is 00:05:26 never wanted a house, I never wanted any of that. I kind of just wanted to be somewhat of as a free spirit and just do what I wanted when I wanted. That's what I wanted, yeah. Well, you know, then I met Brittany and that all changed. I, you know, got married,
Starting point is 00:05:37 bought a house, got a couple dogs, now we have a son. And, you know, I guess it took for me to meet, you know, the right person at that time. But yeah, I guess it took for me to meet, you know, the right person at that time But yeah, I guess yeah Yeah, very interesting. So you you mentioned recently like you were kind of that three-week guy Like you I was a three-week wonder
Starting point is 00:05:57 Yeah You were dating them for three weeks and then getting the hell out of there like what made the difference of if you stayed longer than Three weeks. I was bored. I was bored like I have ADD really bad the hell out of there. Like what made the difference of if you stayed longer than three weeks? I was bored. I was bored. Like I have ADD really bad. I don't know if I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Starting point is 00:06:13 I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. I really haven't gotten that far in kind of doing my research on bipolar as far as relationships go. I assume it does, but I just really got bored. And I hate to say this again, I'm sounding terrible, but I'm gonna be honest here. I just, I really was able to get whatever girl I wanted.
Starting point is 00:06:32 Lori's probably gonna kill me for saying this, but I really, really was. I didn't really have a problem when it came to women. So I just felt like the world was kind of my oyster. I was a kid in a candy store. And I just kind of felt like, okay, three weeks, I needed and you know nine times out of ten we've already had you know sexual relations by then so I was kind of like okay you know I'm like I got what I needed and yeah you know and the girls that I was dating too you
Starting point is 00:06:58 know they were very face value it's not like they were like serious they wanted to find out about me they wanted to know what was going on in my life They wanted to meet my family. It was just very face value. Mm-hmm So they weren't coming to you being like I'm looking for something. No serious. What are you looking for? No, okay What do you think would have happened if someone came to you with that conversation? Um, uh Trying to think I That maybe have happened once or twice and that probably would have scared me off.
Starting point is 00:07:26 I don't know, just because like I said, this is just so, I can't believe you're calling me out. It's just so disgusting. I just didn't want to be stuck with one girl. I wanted to know what else, you know, the grass, they always say the grass is always greener, but it really isn't. But you just go, I was just going from one girl to the next.
Starting point is 00:07:40 I really was, I was just going from one to the next to the next. I would have, and this is another word I would have a roster Mm-hmm. This is terrible and I would go down my roster and who was busy tonight if they weren't busy I go to number two if they weren't doing that I go number three and then I would circle back to you know If I wasn't doing anything at night. I haven't talked to the number four girl on there Maybe I should check in with her just to keep them all there instead of saying being honest and being like listen
Starting point is 00:08:03 I'm only here for this, I was too worried to let them go because then I'd be alone. Yeah. So how are you prioritizing that roster? Like what made the difference? I'm not doing that anymore. No, I mean now, back then I wasn't prioritizing.
Starting point is 00:08:16 I was actually pretty good at it. They were all kind of equal. They were all equal. They were all, yeah. And I would just put them like, okay, who's busy? Who do I like the most or who I have the best time with? I would call her and like I said, if she was not there, I would go to number two and number three.
Starting point is 00:08:29 And then, oh, you know what? I haven't talked to number four in a week and a half. I better check in with her because she's gonna drop off if I don't. And you know, and I would, I'd be so smooth about it. I'm like, oh, I wasn't around or I'm so sorry, I was busy. And it was just such disgusting behavior now that I look back at it now
Starting point is 00:08:46 because I was just leading these girls on. And they thought it was more than it was, but I knew in the back of my head, this ain't going anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, and I think that's one of the biggest indicators in where we get into trouble when women or men kind of get into these situationships
Starting point is 00:09:04 or undefined connections where they're assuming that the other person's on the same page because they're showing up in a romantic way when they are connecting. Or when they are connecting, they're saying all the right things. That's exactly. You're being really smooth.
Starting point is 00:09:17 Love bomb, right off the bat. Yeah, so of course, if they're kind of relationship minded, they're thinking, oh, he is too. He's saying all this stuff. He's being so sweet to me. Like, I don't even need to have the conversation because of course we're on the same page. And that's where people kind of fall into that trap of assuming and just staying in it for too long. And in your case, I mean, who knows, maybe the women were also kind of casual, but I've never met and none of the girls I've ever met were like,
Starting point is 00:09:44 oh, I'm just seeing this to have fun. And none of the girls I've ever met were like, oh, I'm just seeing this to have fun. Like that would have thrown me for a loop. Like, see, I've never had that. Usually they want to let's get in a relationship right away. Now, if a girl would have done that to me, I would have been probably super attracted to her. I would have been like, this is the one right here
Starting point is 00:09:57 that's going to keep me on. The one that's not calling me back. The one that's kind of just leaving me hanging. The one that's kind of just messing with my head a little bit. And I've had a couple of girls like that. And those are the ones that are always in just leaving me hanging, the one that's kind of just messing with my head a little bit. And I've had a couple girls like that and those are the ones that are always
Starting point is 00:10:08 in the back of my mind. Yeah, cause it causes the mind drama of like what's happening. Well because I've been always used to it a certain way that I've gotten what I want and now these girls are playing me and playing me at my own game and I'm like damn it.
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Starting point is 00:13:04 Quote at progressive.com to join over the 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive casualty insurance, company and affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Okay, so beyond that, like beyond them kind of messing with your mind, like what were some of the attractive qualities that actually made you want to stick around
Starting point is 00:13:27 versus like complete turnoffs from the very beginning? I think in the beginning, well, I think again, I was, I'm a firm believer that you have to be initially attracted to the person. So I was initially attracted to them. They got a lot, I always brought them around my friends. I always brought these girls around my friends. My friends always loved them.
Starting point is 00:13:44 I always got approval from everybody else. For some reason I seeked, approved, sought, seek, seek approval from everybody else. Like I told my friends like, hey, what do you guys think? What do you guys think? And they, you know, always they'd be like, oh, she's hot and this and that, whatever. Yeah, she's cool.
Starting point is 00:13:59 And that's kind of where I went with it. And then, you know, I would spend 24-7 with these girls for the first week, calling all the time like this. And then, probably that was the problem. I was a little bit, it was just too much too quick. And then, like I said, it would start to fall off. Because now I got these girls used to it. Now I got them liking this kind of thing.
Starting point is 00:14:19 And like, oh my gosh, I got a serious guy here. This is going well. And, you know, and then I got him trained for me calling all these times, I hate to say we're trained, but I got him, yeah, I would call them on a regular basis and it was going really really good and then I'm like oh gosh this is getting a lot and then by you know the next week and a half they're all into it, they're ready to go and then I'm falling off and they're like what the fuck. Yeah and they're completely blindsided. And they're
Starting point is 00:14:43 blindsided. Because like none of your behavior, fuck yeah, and they're completely blindsided. They're blindsided because like none of your behavior You know unless you're intent like actively thinking okay. This is this is what kind of love bombing Yeah, your behavior looks like you're totally interested and invested right right and so they have no idea They're completely blindsided after a couple weeks and I think that's something that people like like women especially, really need to pay attention to of like, just because someone in the early stages is showing up in this like smooth way. Well, all guys do that.
Starting point is 00:15:12 Yeah. Because you know what, if you don't, if you're completely honest, if I told them exactly what was going on in my brain, they would have got up and walked away two minutes later. So you were having like specific thoughts of like, I'm not intending. Exactly. And everyone's like, you know
Starting point is 00:15:25 What like now like you talked about you like just be honest just be open and yes, ideally that's what I want to do I like to be honest But if I told girls who I am or they know who I am they would be like Get the first uber out of here like they would be gone. Yeah, you know, and then I'm left with nobody So you got it and I'm not the only guy that does this you tell girls in the beginning what they want to hear Yeah, you tell girls in the beginning what they wanna hear. Yeah. You know?
Starting point is 00:15:46 So what would have happened if they asked you a direct question of like, you know, are you serious about this or like, what are you intending for this? What do you have just left? Yeah. Yeah. Are you asking the question?
Starting point is 00:15:58 Yeah. I never had that and that's another thing too. Like in all the relationships I have, I think no, none of the relationships I have, I think none of the girls I've ever dated really got to know me. Like I felt like they never kind of dove deep into my background or asked how I felt or what I'm going through because I was going through mental health for many, many years and it's just recently that I've kind of come to terms with it and got diagnosed and
Starting point is 00:16:22 you know got on medication and everything for it. But I think I was going through all these things and just kind of come to terms with it and got diagnosed and got on medication and everything for it. But I think I was going through all these things and just kind of not talking about it. And there was a lot going on with me in my early days, a lot mentally. And I think I was just such in a whirlwind of just going from girl to girl to girl and masking it and not dealing with my problems.
Starting point is 00:16:40 If I would have went to therapy in my 20s, I think I would have been a different person because I would have figured out why I'm doing this. Why am I doing this in relationships? Why am I doing this? Because there's a reason. Did I learn it from my mom and dad? No, because my parents have a healthy relationship. Where did I get this behavior from? Because this is not really normal. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not gonna diagnose, but it's interesting how even early relationships can,
Starting point is 00:17:10 or just relationships with friends or social dynamics can influence just how we show up. Also, from pretty early on, you kind of became a public figure, larger than life personality, and so that's gonna affect how women are showing up with you too. And just like how comfortable they are voicing things about like what they need and the dynamic.
Starting point is 00:17:32 Or I mean they may have been a little bit intimidated. And I've thought about it too. I'm like what are the reasons why I did this? I think if I lived in a smaller town, if I lived in where my wife's from Kentucky or where I'm from Michigan, I would have been happily married, I would have had the kids and things would be going smooth. I think a lot has to deal with, and people may disagree with me, that living in Hollywood
Starting point is 00:17:54 for so long plays a major, major role. You gotta remember, this is a melting pot for good-looking people, right? So everybody from, you know, the hottest girl in Ohio at her school ended up moving here. The hottest girl from school in Florida ended up moving here. Now you have a melting pot of everybody was told they were beautiful. All here, you got the clubs, you got the nightlife, you got everything going on in Hollywood, right? Why would you want to settle down with one person when you couldn't have done that in your hometown? Do you know what I'm saying? It's like a candy store here. It's like nobody really... And then the women like that try to date people like, I'm saying? It's like a candy store here. It's like nobody really, and then the women like,
Starting point is 00:18:25 they try to date people like, I'm never gonna date a guy in Hollywood because all guys think the same here. This is a melting pot for fun. Peter Pan syndrome. And I mean, not only does it attract beautiful people, but I think it attracts those personalities of people that like want more for themselves.
Starting point is 00:18:41 They want the big life. And so, yeah, you kind of are, maybe there's a little bit of that too, just like within your DNA. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm an open book and I really decided to launch this series Inside the Mind of a Man. This is kind of a new thing for me.
Starting point is 00:18:57 So to actually kind of help some women out, I own up to my bad behaviors and I feel like I can resource those struggling and maybe give some constructive insight into why men behave the way they do. And you know, helping women look out for all the red flags. And I've pretty much been a very large, I mean it's been pretty much a large part of my life and I'm the poster child for a walking red flag. So anyway, all that I have to say seriously, I really, really appreciate you for being here. And so essentially, you are the situationship guru and even offer a workshop for people struggling
Starting point is 00:19:34 in situationships to teach people how to completely transform their dating approach and ditch unhealthy situationships forever. Can you tell me a little bit about, like what do you think a situationship is? Because I'm learning what this is, I'm learning what all these words are. Now I've done all these things,
Starting point is 00:19:49 love bombing, gas lighting, situationships, bread crumbing, I'm learning, these have all been around forever, but now they all have terms. Yeah, yeah. Situationships, I define as any connection that's in the gray area, right? There isn't a clear container. It's not heading in a specific direction. Right. Maybe you think it is, but you haven't had
Starting point is 00:20:13 that conversation, so you're really just assuming. So it's really just this undefined connection. It's different from dating because dating is, you're dating towards a specific specific you're dating a direction. Well, how long how long When does it become a situation ship a weekend two weeks in three weeks in I think it becomes a Situationship as soon as you're not having those direct questions and you really don't know what's happening, right? It can be like pretty much every every Situation you've been in is a situation. Yeah, you've been in like hundreds probably. Yeah, and I've literally gotten girlfriends by like, oh my God, I have a girlfriend now. Because I didn't have a choice because it was either get a girlfriend or she's going
Starting point is 00:20:54 to leave. So I would just be like, okay, I guess we're girlfriend and boyfriend now. Yeah, and so it's, and like I was saying earlier, people get into these because they don't communicate. They don't bring up what they actually want. And so you just, you really don't know what's happening there. You're kind of assuming your mind's going crazy because you're like, okay, he's showing up,
Starting point is 00:21:17 really invested today, but I haven't heard from him for a week. And he's texting me a little bit, but where was he when I wanted him to meet my friends the other weekend it's just all over the place and so you're really just trying to like catch up and engage what the hell's going on right and so in this course I really teach like how to date black and white very like clear-cut no BS like no trying to fill in just the gaps with you
Starting point is 00:21:49 know considering the nuances of oh but you know he says this so maybe it's a little bit different. No. Like you were saying, you're either like interested or you're not. You either have a roster or you're not and it can really be that clear. Am I the only one that has this roster? No. I've heard this a lot of- No, and I mentioned the roster. It can be a ton of different things. This is a thing, the roster? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:10 Oh, I didn't even know that. I thought that was my own key phrase for this. Cause I was like, I was trying to look for the word of like having a list of girls and I wanted to use it. Like the roster, it's a roster. It really is. Yeah, it's called a roster. Okay, I didn't, I did not know that.
Starting point is 00:22:19 I'm learning, I'm learning. I didn't know. Maybe I should be in a relationship. Yeah. Maybe we can work together. Have you seen all the stuff on TikTok about all this lately? About, I mean, girls going on there like full on having meltdowns.
Starting point is 00:22:30 Oh yeah, I mean, my, obviously all my social media is like all dating stuff. Yeah. Because that's my field. So it's like, I see all those videos. And it's sad. It's sad, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:42 But the fact that they're taking it to social media is a little, I mean, it's, I get sucked into watching it just like, I mean, because you just want to watch it, and you're like, where is this going? Like, this person got on their phone, wherever they lived, and they said, you know what? I'm gonna break this down, and I'm gonna be emotional about it.
Starting point is 00:22:57 I'm gonna be raw about it for the whole world to see. Yeah. Well, and that shows you just like, how far it can take you, right? How broken. Like, even a three-week Situationship can completely break you even worse than like a four-year long Relationship because there's so much emotion. There's so many so many like love chemicals involved and you're just You're just all consumed. And what do you tell the girl that you know kind of says I'm in this relationship
Starting point is 00:23:24 I like him a lot, he seems to be dissing himself. Like a girl that's kind of basically that was dating me. First of all, they should just run, run. If you see me coming, run. But like if you deal with somebody who's kind of like, yeah, they're dating a three week wonder, right? And they probably ask you why.
Starting point is 00:23:45 Why is he be dissing himself? Do you say, hey, can you explain to me how you guys acted? Is that how you? Yeah, I'd be like, how is he showing up? First of all, did you have sex with him the first night? Let's be honest. Yeah, like when did that happen?
Starting point is 00:23:59 How is he showing up? Has he communicated that he wants anything serious? Guys just don't do that. We're just, um, yeah. Guys just don't do that. We're just, we're men. We just don't do that. But some do. That's the thing. I've, I've like, maybe it's, I'm in this bubble in Hollywood where we just don't,
Starting point is 00:24:15 I guess maybe in different parts of the world they do, because it's a little bit slower. But I feel like men here in Hollywood, they just, and I'm not just saying in Hollywood, Hollywood They just don't they don't want to go there They don't want to they want to leave it very vague that way They don't have to talk about it because once you start going there once you start talking about it now You're being now you're leaning some ground rules And now it's gonna limit you from your life where you can if you put it off long enough
Starting point is 00:24:39 You don't have to talk about it, but is that your friend group or is that? all of Los Angeles, I don't want to say all. Man, it's just, yeah, some of the friends and some not. I feel like people just kind of want to keep leaving their options open. And then once a girl starts asking, where is this going? It scares them off. It scared off some of my friends, but my friends are mostly degenerates. So I mean. Yeah, that's why I'm like, because there Because there are, I have clients that are kind of having this conversation, but thinking women are the ones that are putting them through hell
Starting point is 00:25:12 and the situationships and stuff. It's, I'm seeing all kinds of things, and it's, and even if you look at my social media comments, the videos that are going viral on situationships, it's like mostly men in there talking about women doing this to them. Really? So it's kind of turned a little bit.
Starting point is 00:25:29 Yes, like it's, I mean, I don't know if it's turned, but it's like men I think are as equally a good amount of them thinking that this is happening to them. Well, because you think girls are getting smarter and are angling? Because I know when I was in my, I said I'm 45. Now when I was doing my dating, I felt like girls kind of held men a little bit more accountable.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Do you think it's gotten, do you think it's been, it's gotten, do you think girls are getting, I don't know what the word I'm looking for here. Do you think it's gotten, it's changed over the last five years? That's the best way to put it. Because social media has completely lifted a veil. I think like even the TikToks that we're seeing are like women are kind of like
Starting point is 00:26:06 getting angry and getting like okay we need to kind of stand up and communicate. So you think they're getting more just like assertive there you think women are standing up for themselves more as opposed because I thought it was a lot harder to date in the past because I felt like well maybe there's no social media much there but now yeah like you're right now with social media women can find out what's going on they can MacGyver it and go through your situations. You did this, you did that. So I guess social media, it's another one of those things that social media's ruined, is dating.
Starting point is 00:26:32 It's definitely lifted a veil of just like the dynamics and what's happening. I remember when I was in situationships, like the best book I read to kind of help clear things up was Attached, which was about attachment styles. But for some reason that like helped click things for me. Nowadays there's so many more resources and like you just open your phone
Starting point is 00:26:52 and there's coaches and therapists talking about relationship dynamics and it's just at your fingertips. Yeah, there is, there's a lot. Like once you get into like your algorithm starts picking it up, I've had a lot. Curious about Ozempic or Wegovi, but not sure if your insurance covers it?
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Starting point is 00:28:05 For box warning and full safety information, go to ro.co. slash safety, prescription only. In a world where we have every reason to give up, I'm here to show you that there is beauty and life on the other side of trauma. I'm Jessalyn Biederstat, host of Invisible Scars, a podcast where we dig deep into stories of resilience and transformative breakthroughs. Each week I sit down with incredible guests, trauma specialists, alternative healers, and
Starting point is 00:28:32 real people who have faced unimaginable challenges and come out stronger. We'll explore how they found healing and hope and how you can too. So listen to and follow Invisible Scars available wherever you get your podcasts. I've been asked this by a lot of our listeners. Can a situationship turn into a relationship? Can a situationship turn into a relationship? Yes. The thing is though, what people think is that if you stay in a situation long enough, it will just eventually
Starting point is 00:29:06 turn into a relationship because the other person will see how great you are and they'll just see how great of a partner you can be and more time actually just reinforces the current dynamic because clearly it's been working for for one person or the other right like if you're let's just do like male-female dynamic like if you're a woman that wants a relationship and you've been sitting staying in a situation ship and the guy hasn't been progressing things towards
Starting point is 00:29:39 a relationship it's because it's working for him right right like he likes it the dynamic how it is right now because he's working for him. Right. Right, like he likes it, the dynamic, how it is right now because he's getting his emotional needs met, he's getting relationship benefits without actually having to be tied down. And so more time does not work in your favor. More time keeps you just stuck and- It keeps her stuck.
Starting point is 00:29:59 Yeah, it keeps her stuck. The guy's fine with it. Yeah, he loves it. He's like, great, she's not bringing anything up to me, she's making things really comfortable for me. But you know she's talking to her friends being like, should I bring this up? Oh, she's spiraling.
Starting point is 00:30:13 She's like in emotional warfare right now. And he's like, as long as she doesn't bring it up, like we're good, this is great. And so if it's gonna shift into a relationship, how you're showing up in the dynamic completely needs to shift. There needs to be empowerment. There needs to be just like more confidence in voicing what you need. You need to reduce like the relationship privileges that you've been giving and deprioritize that man, if we're talking about the women in this situation, you really need to pull away what's kept this dynamic thriving.
Starting point is 00:30:55 Right. I think when a woman pulls away, it makes me want her even more. I think when she is not so needy, which I'm saying this in a really good way, if she kind of just, you know, distance herself a little bit. I know it's hard, I know girls are emotional and they fall in love, I get that. But if they can just try and pull away a little bit and let him go after you, is, you know, because then he's gonna be like, for me anyway,
Starting point is 00:31:19 in the back of my head, why isn't she calling me? Where is she at? I thought it was going good. Like now you're role reversing. Yeah. You know? You want him to be a little confused. Right. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:31:29 I love it when I'm confused. A little mystery. It drives me more. Yeah. And it's, you know, you have to be careful not to play games because you don't want to complete, you don't want to like get into toxic territory where you're like trying to play games. But if you're really putting yourself first and you're deprioritizing someone that isn't
Starting point is 00:31:44 really giving you the time of day or isn't making you a priority, naturally you're going to reduce time with them. Naturally you're going to start breaking away from what the connection has been and they're going to be confused. And do girls, do girls like, do you think most girls nowadays do their research? They do deep dives on Instagram. They find out what, what's his relationship status? Why is he single?
Starting point is 00:32:05 Why is he this age and hasn't had a serious girlfriend? Like I'm like Not for myself, but I'm getting back out in that world. Well, I mean I'll get back into that but I'll get on to something else So what's your take on on ghosting? So I've also talked to a lot on this subject and it's kind of rampant in the dating scene right now I give him my reasoning as this to why I think do this. I talked about it last week actually. But I'm curious to know your thoughts. Why can two people have a few great dates, then a guy comes in super strong, love bombs, I mean we kind of got into this, then checks out,
Starting point is 00:32:37 then pulls away, ghosts, vanishes into thin air? Like I think we kind of touched on this a little bit, but I mean what what's your, I guess, short take on that? Oh gosh, there could be a million reasons, but I think the main thing is someone can show up in a way that makes it seem like they're super interested, even with doubts in the back of their head of like, mm, I'm not completely sure. And when they get to the point where they're like,
Starting point is 00:33:01 you know what, I'm just not fully in it, they just feel that it's more comfortable for them to just's more comfortable. Why can't they just be honest? Because it's that fear of right there. I'm gonna tell you why I don't be honest because if there's a fear there Yeah, like you just don't want to have that and then I just want to grow like you're fucking scumbag You're a piece of shit and like that's my fear. Yeah, I could be honest. It's a lot easier said than done I'm like, okay, I'm gonna be honest, but then when it comes to do that, I'm like Yeah, if I ghost maybe I I won't get that she'll just be like, uh Or maybe she'll be upset or maybe I just won't hear from again instead of hearing that you're a piece of shit
Starting point is 00:33:35 Oh, that's what guys don't want to hear you hear that's enough then after a while you're gonna start believing it. Yeah, you know, so What can some of these women do after they've been ghosted and they're heartbroken? How do they handle the ghost or if it comes back? Oh, that's a good one. I mean, let's be real, the roster of women is drying up. They're always trying to come back. And this is very, very true.
Starting point is 00:33:55 This is, I said this before, like you have a roster, for instance, you got four girls that you have on rotation, which is again, I'm sorry about saying this people, but I'm being honest. So eventually, I mean, around three, especially now social media, around the three, four week mark, it's they're gonna figure it out. They're gonna figure it out. Social media, friends, the world's small.
Starting point is 00:34:14 So there's probably about a three to four week, maybe a month window where you can keep juggling this. And then it's gonna, what do you, like what is your suggestion on that? If someone ghosts you, I think you have to mentally just like completely shut it off for yourself and close that door. Or you can send that text of like, hey, I'm closing this out.
Starting point is 00:34:35 Yeah. Like we're done. Right. Because they will come back, right? Especially- 100% they're gonna come back. And like we kind of have a sixth sense when someone's doing really well
Starting point is 00:34:46 and they're kind of prioritizing themselves and putting their needs first and going after life and doing well, we either see it or we sense it and that's attractive. It makes us kind of wanna come back and just even if we're not intending to come back for an actual relationship, we wanna like see what we can get. And I'm saying we're not intending to come back for an actual relationship, we want to like see what we can get.
Starting point is 00:35:05 Right. And I'm saying we just in general, like humans are kind of, you know, that tends to happen. And so you will hear from them again. You have to just not even engage. And what are the signs when you're dating somebody that, okay, they're a good match? Yeah. Yeah, I think there's gonna be like just with humans, there's gonna be some quirks and some things you don't like about someone. But if you can align on personality, like your personalities, you know, match fairly
Starting point is 00:35:41 well, not meaning you have to have the same personality type, but like you can communicate well, you have fun together, you have similar life goals, your lifestyle looks similar and you want to keep going down that path and you make each other feel good. Like you're not afraid to voice your needs or bring up something that's uncomfortable and you're met with the other person like, you know, putting you down or you making you feel bad for bringing something up like that. You need that safety. This is this is a question I'm just thinking about right now.
Starting point is 00:36:17 This and this is the date this this question goes way back and this has been a back and forth question forever. What are your I guess I would say rules on intimacy? That is a huge factor to some guys, well most guys. When is it too soon, when is it not long enough? Is that a kind of a personal, I mean is that a, how do you? It's personal.
Starting point is 00:36:40 But when I'm coaching women on dating towards commitment, first, typically no intimacy unless you've had that exclusivity conversation. You know that you're just focusing on each other and that can happen. I mean, it depends. A couple dates in, it can happen a couple weeks in. But like bottom line, if you're dating towards commitment and you're intending to be in a committed relationship through dating, like you need to understand if that person's sleeping with other people or just dating other people. Right.
Starting point is 00:37:13 And do you bring that up? Like on the date, are you sleeping with other people? That's another like... Yeah, I think a couple dates in you can ask like... I've had this question, are you sleeping with other people? Can you tell me? And it's usually a couple dates in and most of them will say, can you let me know? Can you tell me?
Starting point is 00:37:26 Yeah. Are you being safe? Yeah, you know, like, you know. I feel like that's a normal question to ask. Because you wanna understand, yeah, if you're gonna get intimate with someone, you wanna understand, like, what are they doing when you're not around?
Starting point is 00:37:39 Like, what's going on with them? How are you thinking about this connection? How are you thinking about dating in general? Right, these are the questions that you need to understand to be able to make an empowered decision for yourself of like, does this make sense? Or because women, when we sleep with men, like that's when we start to fall for them.
Starting point is 00:38:00 Right, like it just, we start to get in deep emotionally. Do you think intimacy has changed over the last five years in relationships? This is my own personal question. Do you think it's changed in the last few years? Is the new generation, are they as interested in sex as the generation that I grew up in that you grew up in? Is it different nowadays? Are people putting it as a priority
Starting point is 00:38:25 as opposed to like when they used to? Or do you think it's the same? I think it's the same. Nothing's changed when it comes to sex. Yeah, it's the same. Okay, I've also talked a lot about how people and myself gravitate towards toxic relationships. Almost needing those super highs and those super lows, I do.
Starting point is 00:38:43 What's your advice on that? And this goes with me, I need the super highs and super lows, I will get bored if there's no, and it's really, really terrible that I need that. I need the highs and lows, I need the constant, I can't just be like everything's going too well, and what I do, sabotage. Yeah. That's what I do.
Starting point is 00:39:01 I don't know if you'll like this answer, it might not be satisfying for you, but we need relationships, like the foundation of them to be boring. We need them to be boring because if they are on shaky ground, it's like trying to build a house and, you know, something sustainable on like still it's like those houses over the beach, like it's just going to fall apart and you can layer in the excitement and the intimacy and the chemistry on top of that like boring foundation, but but the the root of it needs to be really stable and really calm and
Starting point is 00:39:43 you need to feel really safe. And that's strange for someone like you and people that are used to the highs and lows and the intense excitement and just the intensity in general. You kind of have to train yourself to sit in it for a little bit and get used to the fact that, okay, this feels really calm, almost boring. And then that's when you start to layer in the excitement on top of it. Gotcha. Now, this is just a personal question for me, and a lot of people probably don't believe this,
Starting point is 00:40:19 but I in the relationship like to be controlled. I like to be told what to do when we're doing it, where we're going, I like that. I don't like to call the shots in relationships and I know a lot of women liked men to be assertive and like stuff, but I really like it when I'm told what to do. Is that, what do you, how do you feel about that? Like structure, I like, okay honey,
Starting point is 00:40:38 this is what we're doing tonight, this is what we're having for dinner, we're going to meet the Joneses at six o'clock, then we're going to Disney on Saturday. I like that. I like it when the woman wears the pants in a relationship. My mother wore the pants in a relationship. My grandmother wore the pants in a relationship. That's just how I grew up, so I don't know anything different. I think maybe that's because of why I like that so much. But my mom ran the show and the household was perfect. My dad went to work, paid the
Starting point is 00:41:02 bills, my mom ran everything else. Grandmother, same thing. How does that, is that weird for me? Should I change that up? That's hard for me though. I just don't like that. I don't like being in control. People have different preferences in relationships. Like I think that just kind of helps you understand what type of women that you need to be with. Yeah. But in the dating, just navigating dating, it's interesting because women really want to be pursued. Well, pursuing is something, but once you get them and then once you get them in a relationship and you kind of say, hey, this is how I am, then pursuing I think is a little different
Starting point is 00:41:40 as opposed to, well, not for me. I it's, unfortunately, unfortunately it's never been that way for me, I usually, I've had the women come to me and be like, that sounds terrible, but that's just how it worked for me. But I just, I really enjoyed that, like do you think, do you have, do you know a lot of men that are like that? Is that a normal thing, is that normal? I don't know if I'd say it's normal,
Starting point is 00:42:02 I think like every relationship. You think it's a generational thing? Do you think like it was a big thing and I know in the 80s and the 90s, that's what men went to work, the women stayed home and she ran the show. Yeah. And I'm an 80s, 90s kid.
Starting point is 00:42:13 Like with the social, with the social piece and keeping, managing your calendar and what you're doing. Right. Taking care of the kids, managing the home. Basically they're, you know, they're the queen. They take care of everything. The guy goes out to work and does his thing. And that's how, yeah. And like I said, my parents stayed together, but then again, I don't know basically they're the queen, they take care of everything. The guy goes out to work and does his thing.
Starting point is 00:42:25 That's how, yeah, and like I said, my parents stay together, but then again, I don't know if it was in the 80s, 90s, things in women are now changing, I don't know. And I feel like sometimes that's gonna hurt me because I have met some girls that wanna be like, I wanna be told what to do, I want you to order dinner for me,
Starting point is 00:42:40 I want you to do, you know. Yeah. I mean, okay, we've come towards kind of the end of this and I feel like we could go on forever But as I told everybody I'm gonna hold my end of the bargain here as promised and let Kimberly take the floor here with some Hard-hitting questions, which I'm very nervous about Okay, let's go. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'm ready. I'm nervous, but I'm ready Do you think women's perception of you right now is accurate today?
Starting point is 00:43:07 Yes and no. I think I've changed a lot over the years being married. No, I don't think so. I think I'm a lot different and I've been told that everyone they meet me in person, like, wow, you're such a different person than you were on TV. Well, again, you're seeing a very edited version of myself on television.
Starting point is 00:43:25 You're not seeing the true person that I am because I've done a lot of great things that people haven't seen. And I am a caring person and I will do anything from everybody. Have I been the best towards women? No, I haven't. And I'm getting hit with all the hard truth
Starting point is 00:43:39 that I've been going through, especially going through the facility that I went in and breaking myself down and seeing all the toxic traits that I've done. I'm like, I've done that, I've done that. I'm just like, oh shit. And I didn't realize it. So I think I'm getting better.
Starting point is 00:43:51 I think it's still gonna be there, but I'm definitely more aware and getting better about it. Yeah. Yeah, it seems like it. Since you're more aware with dating now, I don't know if you're currently dating or if you're looking into that eventually. I'm not really sure if I'm there yet. Like I don't, starting over dating after 10 years
Starting point is 00:44:09 of not dating, I don't even know where to begin. The dating situation, apps and all this and going, I don't know if I want to do it. I just don't, and I also, I don't know if I'm ready to be a good person for somebody. I'm still trying to fix myself and I'm going to be a work in progress, I say this all the time, for the rest of my life. And I just don't think that I'm, I can give myself to somebody like they need. I don't think I can give a woman the love that she needs right now. And I couldn't give it to my wife. So what makes you think I'm gonna give it to somebody else? That's great awareness. That was gonna be my question. Like if you are dating, how
Starting point is 00:44:41 have you been treating them differently? But it sounds like you haven't really had that opportunity. No, I gotta work on my brain right now and get that right before I even entertain dating. Yeah, that's really commendable. Okay, biggest regrets from just past dating relationships? Just the way I handled girls, the way I treated women, the way I kind of do this disposable. I just don't think I was a very good person. I wasn't in it for the right reasons.
Starting point is 00:45:05 I was there strictly for why most reasons are, why most guys are in relationships. Again, I was living the Peter Pan syndrome. I didn't want to grow up. I'm living in Hollywood where, you know, it's just lights, glimmer, clubs, partying. I just didn't want to settle down. And when I did, I would get caught in a settled down moment
Starting point is 00:45:24 and I would move on after three weeks I should have just stayed single. I should have just stayed single. I shouldn't I've been honest Yeah, it probably would have sucked a little bit more, but I think people would respect me a little bit more I think I lost a lot of that Yeah, yeah, I think you're getting a lot of it back though now. I'm trying. Yeah, I think you are it's hard for me, but I'm trying I'm trying All right. Okay guys. I hope I can have you back by the way
Starting point is 00:45:51 I hope we can hit some topics that are some serious because we kind of were very broad here But I hope like we can hit like a topic that it's trending right now and I hope I can I'm really excited about this. Absolutely, you know in the mind of a man. So, all right guys I hope this episode was helpful. Kimberly. thank you so much for chatting with me. Guys, make sure you check her out on her Instagram and TikTok. Handles are the same, kimberlyray.life. And if someone wants to book your personal session, how can they do that? They can find me just through the link in my bio. Okay. You can book a coaching session or check out my course, Stitch Savvy. Okay, great.
Starting point is 00:46:27 Thank you so much. Thanks for listening, everyone. Have a beautiful day, guys. And we will talk to you next week. ["Petite Mère"] Pluto TV is a place for movie fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and it's free.
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