When Reality Hits with Jax and Brittany - Rooted Recovery Stories' Patrick Custer

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

Host of Rooted Recovery Stories, Patrick Custer, sits down with Jax to talk about all things addiction and the road to redemption. We have deals for you!! Hiya Health: Got growing kids? Get 50% off your first order at HiyaHealth.com/realityhits G-Defy: Need comfy sneakers? Use "Realityhits" for $20 off orders of $100 or more at GDefy.com  Nutrafol: Got thinning hair? Get $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping at Nutrafol.com and use code REALITYHITS RoBody: Look and feel your best! Start your membership at just $99 for your first month at Ro.co/realityhits  Wayfair: Your one-stop-holiday shop! Head to Wayfair.com to get your home holiday ready!

All right, hello everyone and welcome back to When Reality Hits. Jax here and I got a very, very exciting guest today. Patrick Custer is in the studio with me today to speak on all things mental health related. You may have heard of him as he hosts the very popular and respected podcast Rooted Recovery Stories. He's very well known for his contributions in the fields of mental health and addiction recovery. In addition to his public speaking and advocacy work

with the LGBTQ, Patrick serves as a communications liaison and national director of alumni at Promises Behavioral Health, where he plays a vital role in supporting many people on their journey to recovery. So welcome. Did I do okay with that? Yeah, you did great.

A lot of people don't know. So we closed all of our Promises locations in California and our headquarters is now in Brentwood, Tennessee, just south of Nashville. We don't have any in California anymore. Oh wow, that's such a popular one. I think that's the one that everybody kinda knows because I feel like it's a heavily celebrity based.

And it's crazy how people, I mean, because we closed them back in, I don't know, 2019 I think, but we're, let's see, Texas all the way over on the other side of the country from there. And is this, are you bouncing back now to Tennessee? Are you going? So I'll be out here. I'm filming some podcast episodes of my own over the other side of the country. Are you bouncing back now to Tennessee? Are you going? So I'll be out here. I'm filming some podcast episodes of my own

over the next couple days. And then I had to Texas for, we're having a big recovery festival there. And I go home for a day and then back to Texas. So yeah, I bounce around all the time. So when you say recovery, are you all things recovery? Alcohol, drugs, mental health, OCD, addiction,

like all things recovery? Yes, so, mental health, OCD, addiction, like all things recovery? Yes, so I would say about half of our treatment facilities treat the larger spectrum of behavioral health issues. The others are co-occurring for focusing on addiction with secondary mental health diagnoses. Just to back up a little bit, I just got out of a facility myself and I've gone to therapy before

and I didn't get much out of it. And the second one, the person I saw burned me and actually went public and talked publicly about who, they were like, oh, I'm Jax Taylor's, you know this. And then I just got burned and I didn't like it anymore. Then I just went to my- I don't think anybody would. Yeah, nobody would like that.

I can't, and it turned me off. Like they said, hey, listen, you should try therapy. And I was already turned off by that. I didn't wanna go. I'm like, I'm not telling somebody my problems. I'm just not. I bury that stuff down deep. That's just how I grew up

and that's what my dad told me and my grandfather. Obviously it's a different time now. But obviously when I went to treatment, I was going into therapy and I really liked it because the person that I was talking to has gone through it. They weren't just reading. They weren't just graduated from Harvard

and a psychology degree and read all these expensive books. They were involved in the world. They went through it. And I respected them more and I listened to them more because they get it. Well, so let me ask you this. As you talk about how they heard you, you felt seen, so much of the time it takes the individual truly and completely seeing themselves for the damage and the hurt and whatever's happened and whatever they've done as well, right?

Like what happened to them first and also what the damage that they've also caused. Because you can't feel seen until you see yourself. I think the natural order of things is that that takes place and then you're in a place where you just described somebody seeing you for the first time and it sounds like articulating that. So in terms of recovery, so you've been in recovery for how long? I think this'll be 14 years coming up. And if you don't mind me asking,

what were you struggling with? Well what got me in the door was alcohol and various forms of speed. Okay. And like many of us, my journey evolved over that time period of, the rest of the things were trauma and different mental health issues that started to, you peel the layers of the onion back

and you find more and more of that really underlying causes and conditions. Because the alcohol and the drugs, they always tell you, it's not the problem. There's other issues and then we use that stuff to numb us, right? So there are so many types of addiction, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex.

What would you say are the main tools to help a person stop the cycle of addiction? Before I would say tools, I would say more like steps. It's just true. You can't get past, if you don't first identify and accept, you know, you are where you are. Yeah. And then it's the same situation for, you know, mental health struggle. You know, if you don't accept the space that you're in, what's going on, you can't start to ask for help.

Right. And I had, like I was learning to accept it. I didn't want to, but it was. And then, and man, I don't know about you, but I've had years into recovery for me. Sometimes, some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you want to take back whatever acceptance and surrender that you previously had. And that goes for addiction and or like my mental health diagnoses

and just be like this isn't fair. You just second guess stuff and I think that's just the natural state of the human brain that we tend to do that. But definitely the acceptance, surrender, and asking for help I think are the big first three because you cannot do it on, I don't care who you are, you can't do it on your own.

It's tough for men though. It's a different world, nothing taking away from women again, I wanna make sure that, but I think as men that are, at least I think our age, we're a little older, we grew up a different way. We were taught different things, at least in my household, 80s and 90s, we just buried it. So it's just tough to ask for the help, and it was for me. It was just tough to say I'm fucked up

Yeah, I need some help like it took me to us about 45 years old to ask for help because I was so scared I was so embarrassed. I was like, how did I get this far? How is all this happening? And where did it go wrong? And you know, it was just so fucking hard. It was really, really hard. Like for me, I had to get on a routine. I need structure. I need to get up, make my bed, have a cup of coffee, go to the gym, check my emails.

If I derail from any of that, my day's done. Like even if I miss making my bed, it's over. Absolutely. So all of those same things that you just said. And then I think that one of the biggest things is connection. And again, not to sound cliche, but it's the truth. They say that, you know, the opposite of addiction and really the opposite of what severe mental health does to us, which is isolation. So

the opposite of that is connection. And so various forms of that, whether it's, you know, with recovery pals or, you know, just people that are healthy relationships, you know, working on the ones that exist that are good for us. That was my next question. When you were going through your changes, did you have to get rid of people in your life? Yeah, but you know what? When you start working on the process of,

in my experience, when you start working on the process of working on yourself and doing better things for yourself, the people that aren't good for you tend to start falling by the wayside. When you start to heal generational trauma cycles, addiction patterns, and make better choices for yourself, that's no longer comfortable for the people that fit into your life like a puzzle piece.

And that might not be the same for everybody because there are gonna be some clingerons in some situations. I don't wanna write somebody else's story and, you know, whatever, but in many cases cases I think it's actually easier for those people they let us go as we grow into a healthier state easier than we want to hold on to them and not let them go right because we're already changing enough right right like this whole world you know you're going into treatment they're telling you everything's got to change about how you

do literally everything right and then change about how you do literally everything. And then thinking about ending certain relationships or just shelving them because you don't know if they're good or not. And sometimes that's what has to happen. I'm starting to notice that in my group now because I'm usually the center of attention. I kind of hold the group together, but it's always because we're going out or we're going here, I own bars and restaurants, things like that. I'm always, and I just, it's exhausting.

It's exhausting to be the center of attention all the time. I always say like, I'm the lead singer, and sometimes I just wanna be the bass player. Like I just, or the triangle. Like, you know, like I'm learning to do that. And I'm also learning how to be by myself. I'm a very codependent human being. So what sign are you?

Cancer. I'm a Leo, which is very all the things you just described. Hey Leo. Yeah, it's like it's where I'm comfortable and I like to be the... The natural state of being and that has been something that I didn't really start effectively working on to the latter half in my recovery, which is identifying how to be alone effectively. I'm not struggling with it, but I'm starting to like, starting to, I do enjoy my alone time,

but sometimes I get that urge, like, who can I call to come over? Who can I call to go hang out with? Or, and I'm just not even like, but just enjoy being alone. It's okay. I just have a hard time with that sometimes. Sure.

I think that along with like starting a new way of life where you're like, okay, I'm actually going to be introspective now because you start to build these tools where you're able to have perspective and insight into your behavior patterns and why you're doing what you're doing. It causes you to ask more questions than you asked before because your emotional intelligence is evolving. And so those times when you, when I say you, I mean me too, when I'm like starting to look

in the phone book and be like, whoever, whatever, what are they doing? I have to also ask myself, like am I lonely or am I not wanting to sit with whatever feelings are coming up right now? That's a great way to put it, because sometimes I get in my own head, you know? And then you start being like,

I should be doing something, I should be out somewhere. And it's like I just I really have to really work hard and like fight my brain I have to fight it Mm-hmm and say just sit down on the damn couch and read this damn book or just it's okay to be by yourself Go to the gym come home go to bed early take a shower like yeah, you know And I'm trying to keep myself busy in the house. I just got this new townhouse. It's very big. I'm alone There's noises. I'm by myself a lot. And I'm like constantly trying to.

Are you, are you pretty sensitive to noise and like external stimuli? I have to keep noises. I have to have the fan on, the TV on, the air conditioning on. I mean, the vacuum cleaner, a jet needs to be going on just for me to go to sleep. Yeah.

I can't sleep to silence. That would be the worst thing. I can't either. But I need, I feel like I'm constantly in my home and I'm OCD. Like I, the, everything in my house is like, that's good. The remote control is like this. I can't, I can't. I'm constantly in my home and I'm OCD like I that everything in my house is like that's good The remote control is like this. I can't I can't do I'm constantly doing that keeping myself busy So I don't get my brain. Hmm, cuz once I sit down and I be by myself

That's when the problem starts happening, you know, I'm saying when I don't have the structure when I don't have anything to be going on That's when I start to derail and I'm like, okay, what can I do to sabotage my life right now? That's another problem. I do to sabotage my life right now? That's another problem I have, is myself sabotaging. Hair thinning affects approximately one in two women. It's normal, but it's certainly not ideal. Whether you're actively struggling with hair shedding or want to get ahead of the problem and improve your hair health, now is the perfect time to add Nutrifol to your daily routine. Nutrifol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair

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I think that typically the fallout is what happens afterwards because there's there's a disconnect between that regulator that says, just because I'm thinking about this doesn't mean that I need to take action. Yeah. And that's need to take action. Yeah. And that's not peculiar to bipolar. I mean like that addiction. I mean like a lot of us deal with that same like I don't have that that switch isn't naturally there. It's it's something that you know I've had to work really hard on. Do you still find yourself working hard every day? Is there days where you're just like

shit? Not to like so subset. I mean as I drink this monster. No, but As far as like not picking up a drug or a drink, yeah that that isn't difficult for me but you know something that we say and The the rooms of recovery and in the field of addiction recovery is that a relapse occurs a long time before the first drink or drug is taken in a relapse cycle, meaning that something has taken place to off balance the healthy patterns that are feeding someone's life and keeping it on the right track in the right direction.

And so I love that you mentioned all of those things that are like the structure, the exercise, staying, all of those things, waking up early, having a regular sleep is so important. Yeah, it may get my eight hours, going to bed early. Oh gosh, and having a consistent bedtime. Yeah, I love, I can't believe that. Lately, since I got out, I was like,

my favorite thing is to go to, if I'm in bed before 10, oh, you know, I'm up at 7.45. Isn't it crazy how, and actually, I've never asked somebody else this, but this is my own experience, and I have to think other people are this way. But like, I can get the same amount of sleep and go to bed at midnight and wake up.

But if I go to bed at 10 and get that same amount of sleep, I feel so much better. So much better. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's a completely different quality of sleep. It's hard when you have people that you like that call you and say, hey, we're doing something fun.

And you're gonna have FOMO if it means, you know. Okay, I'm gonna go, I'll have one drink or I'm gonna go but I won't have a drink and You know like for instance last night. I had to have a meeting last night I'm like, well, I'm gonna go but I'm not gonna have a drink and I want to make sure that I'm in bed by 1030 at the latest and I did but it's it's tough because you see your friends didn't they're like, oh, hey You want to just have one drink just relax and then you feel like you're letting others down and they think you're boring You know, that's another fear Why don't you just have one drink? Just relax. And then you feel like you're letting others down and they think you're boring. That's another fear I have.

I have a fear of not being the fun one anymore and I have a feel of like FOMO and being left out. And I was this. What do you think would happen if you weren't the fun one? I don't know and I struggle with this and I had this conversation yesterday and I'm scared that I've been this person, this quote unquote Jack's person for so long and

now I'm making this transition in my life where I'm trying to you know get a hold of my anger and now that I'm on medication I feel like I'm letting this medication by the way has been amazing I haven't had hardly any anger issues but I just also feel like I'm letting a lot roll off my back that I did it before and I feel like the jacks, I don't know, I don't want to say character, but the guy that made me who I am that I thought people liked is going to slowly fade away and people are going to be like, well, he's not as fun anymore.

He does not, his quick wit is not there anymore and he's not, we don't really need him anymore. Like I just feel like, and I get worried sometimes about that because I feel like I've gotten where I've gotten because of who I was. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I think that like it makes so much, you know, like changing your life is scary, especially at my age. I don't think that this is exclusive to you either in a position of, of, you know, high

visibility. I think that people confront this on different levels in their own life as well because it doesn't matter. We live in a codependent society. And what I mean by that is, for the most part, some people live in their apartment and don't leave it and they work on a computer. I love those people.

You ever see them just go on Instagram and you see man go to log cabin be by yourself for a week ideally I would love that like why you see these cabins and like just go away go to Big Bear for the weekend get away I think I need my brain I love that idea but then you have you feel like an hour and I'd be like give me the fuck out of here no right so I think same right it would be like this is peaceful okay well for a first or I would I would take a bath Yes, I'm going to hike all these things. I'm like I do I just know it wouldn't work that way This is such a great metaphor for I feel like I'm like vibing with a lot of things of how your brain works

For just how we both described ourselves So we veered off on a trail and lasted just about as long as you or I would last in isolation. And I'm bringing it back. So where I was getting at with what I was saying is that, so I had asked you about, well, what is the fear? What would you lose? And so as you identified, well, they have this whole perception of who I am. And there's a lot of

what you believe people love about you from this character and what have you. And I was drawing the parallel between the fact that, you know, people in their own lives, there's absolutely a parallel to the average individual that doesn't have a certain level of fame because we live in a society where we have connections with other people. We have a personality that's developed. I talk to so many people that say, there's a huge part of me that believes that I'm in the job that I am

and I have the social status that I do because of either the charm or the people I know or the da, da, da, da, da, da, and it's all rooted in a certain level of imposter syndrome, right? So like I don't actually deserve this somehow I got here because of a Dot dot dot right and so but and if I really got found out whatever is underneath Which many of us are like, I don't even know what's underneath that layer of what's protecting me

And so many people have a Jax Taylor, just like what you're talking about. And they just don't have however many fans it is that you do, right? And so that fear I think is super common. But like what's beautiful is that, I mean, people spend 50, 100, hundreds of thousands of dollars sometimes trying to answer, trying to do just that and answer that question or have someone else answer for them which is

The task of removing pulling that away and then identifying what's underneath, but it's so fucking scary It's scary and it's so now you know it's been years because I know I was such a completely different person when I came out here As opposed to right now I like sometimes I'm like man I miss that guy where before I you know was on the shows that I'm on I was such a different human being You know and I felt like along the way I lost that guy, but you know what everybody was loving that guy So we're gonna keep it going adding more layers on adding more layers, and then I'm like okay. Don't worry about it I'm just gonna I'll be this person, but I'll be able to check back now

I forgot who that person was and I can't get back to the person that my mother and father raised you know and I I sometimes I lost my father five years ago and I just sometimes I look back I'm like I don't think my dad would like the person that I am today but you know this is how I make my living so you know I struggle with it I do like because there's there's so many things that I've done wrong that I'm like man, I Wish I would have you know made the right choice there But if I did made that choice where I would have if I made the right choice would have got me to where I am

Today, you know what I'm saying? I think sometimes I don't think that I think you can spend forever second-guessing shit in your past and and living in the like what ifs from the from that but And it will like what is it gonna do for you? Nothing. And I think that the answer, at least for me, has been fearlessly diving into the unknown and seeking authenticity and vulnerability. And it sounds, open up Instagram or TikTok

and the mental health reels that you hear constantly are you know how to be your authentic self out of your whatever but it's talked about so much because it's so freaking it it is literally foundational to the core of what the human a real human experience like if we we wanna be fully self-actualized, right? Not the character anymore. Not the, what do I have to think about because what's gonna keep me going? What's gonna keep you going is getting to a place

where you're able to let that stuff go and when you start to seek whatever's underneath and just a relentless pursuit of like pulling back those layers, what's next? Ah, y'all, I found out this stuff about me. And you know, this is what I'm working on. And I mean, like, it is absolutely not only contagious, but magnetic to be a part of someone's,

everybody's been a part of your falling apart story. Right, yeah. Let them be a part of the. Getting back to, yeah, pulling it back together story. Yeah, but what's funny is putting it back together doesn't necessarily, like that's what we call it, but it's not necessarily that. It's more of the pulling apart,

because you're healing as you're pulling the layers out. Right. Because those layers. And it's new too. Those layers were there to protect you for as long as they could. There was a purpose for all of that. There was a purpose for absolutely every single piece that was either your character,

your dysfunctional coping mechanism, and while yes, it may have hurt other people, it was protecting the you that's on the inside of you as long as it needed to and it could until it started spilling out over and damaging your life and the people around you. But you look back at all of those things and I guarantee you can tie a straight line to how it was protecting you until you were ready to finally take a look. There are certain parts of you that you're not ready to look at right now.

And you won't be ready to look at until those layers are peeled back. But it's layers for a reason. I still have a problem being honest, not only with people, with myself. Absolutely. That's where it starts. I have been committing things. That's for all of us, Jax. I have a problem with that.

Yeah. You're not alone. Absolutely. That's where it starts. I have been permitting things. That's for all of us, Jax. I have a problem with that. Even though my friends know that, they'll look at me like, you're full of shit. Why can't you just be honest with it? And it's like, I just have a problem admitting it to myself. You know, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassment. And it's just kind of like, that's a hard thing for me to do. It's important to take care of your body.

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say it's time? Oh, they said it's time. Yeah? Yeah. And it's, I love that you asked me that, right, as we're talking about this, because the whole not being able to admit things to yourself. Yeah. Lying to myself, lying to other people, like not even keeping up with my own lies,

not even remember what I said. Yeah, I was 24, I'm gonna try and do this in a bullet point fashion so it doesn't go on and on forever, but so I was 24 years old. I'd been in nursing school and I dropped out because I just couldn't keep, I just couldn't keep anything together. At this point I was doing,

I had stopped being the life of the party. My drinking buddies I was even isolated from, so I was just on my own. My parents didn't, I was living at home and quote unquote going to college. Wasn't going to college. I would put on my lab coat and my scrubs, still leave the house every day,

and say hello to our parents, and they thought I was going to school. And I kept up that charade for over two, like one and a half semesters. The lies were insane that would come out of my mouth. But I was drinking around the clock. I mean, my addiction was so strong that like I couldn't I couldn't sleep more than two hours without waking up because I would start going through delirium tremens and

It was I mean like it was it was rough, but I wasn't like stumbling ever You know, I was you get to a certain point in alcoholism that there's no getting drunk anymore it's It's purely keeping the DTs away and you know I don't know if you ever heard the saying before for people like me but like it's fun until it's not fun anymore and there's a crossover that happens for all of us and and mine was definitely that year it just I mean you know when one thing led to another and began with the morning drinking yeah and and the everyday like they the shame and guilt that I think a

company when when you stop being able to complete The the tasks of daily living right that are normal right not just aspiring like Just go a life everyday life stuff that should be you know most people do on a Pretty regular basis when you stop being able to do those things It raises some red flags to people around you and they start to know something's up. You know, and, but I, I mean, I was at a point where like, they could have smelled me in the other room,

you know, because you drink that much and it comes out of your pores. And so, it was, it was just very, I, I was, I was a skeleton walking. And so I try to paint that picture because I had gone from a really, I was a political, I had been a political science major, super active in my community, volunteered,

done everything quote unquote right, very outgoing and what have you, to wouldn't even answer calls from my drinking buddies because they had started to make comments to me about being concerned about how my state of being. And the survival of the disease in me was like, okay, well that means you can't be around them anymore. You can't let them in. And so I had literally isolated myself to the point

where that was my state of existence and I would leave every day and I would go drink wherever. Thank God I never got in a wreck, hurt anybody or anything like that. God, I didn't, I never got in a wreck, hurt anybody or anything like that. Um, and you know, that carried on till February 16th of 2011. And my, um, I carried a lot of shame about around about this for, for quite some time. My dad almost died as a medical incident. Um, he had like a giant pulmonary embolism, had been in the hospital for a couple days and

but the whole thing of me, I knew I smelled the way I did. Like it's not something you can bathe off of yourself, you know? And I could not be in close proximity with family members that were going to raise a raise a raise, you know? And so there were certain stories I told I can't remember to explain away why I was staying at my parents' house. I hadn't been at the hospital at all. It's like you're telling these lies

and you know they can see right through it. As you're telling the lie, as you're telling them. No, I believed, yes, and I had to. I think that the part of me on the inside, like I needed to think that the deep down inside, like the person that I believe myself to be, the good hearted person, I needed to think that the deep down, like the person that I believe myself to be, the good hearted person, I needed to believe that that person was still there.

Like I couldn't reconcile those two things. Yeah, I had a difference where I was, my friends were asking me something and I was trying to BS them. I would stop halfway through the story and I'm like, I don't even know where I'm going with this story because I'm bullshitting you right now and I'm just like, this is what's going on. I got to the point where I would stop halfway through the story and I'm like, I don't even know where I'm going with this story because I'm bullshitting you right now. And I'm just like, this is what's going on.

I got to the point where I would just stop mid-sentence of bullshitting and be like, I'm just lying right now. And I would be calling myself out. I'm like, this is not what happened. This is what actually happened. That's where, for me, where I was like, okay, it's time. Because now I'm not even believing my own lies

and I'm trying to tell, you know, make someone believe my shit, but halfway through my story, I'm not even buying it. And I'm like, how could they buy it? You know? No, absolutely. And that's why I was like, that's why I was just, I agreed, I'm like, okay, you're right, it's time to go.

So my siblings came to my parents' house like a couple of days, and my dad, thank God, you know, he's still alive, and he made it through his medical nightmare. And they did an intervention on me, and they were they were like listen we know you're not in school we know that you know da da da da da da you got two options mom's not bringing dad back to the house with you here so you can go find somewhere else to live or you can go to treatment and so I chose to go to treatment but Jax it wasn't

until two weeks into being in treatment like I could not accept that I was an alcoholic even with all the things that were I thought I had cancer like I had physical symptoms of my I had lost adneuropathy and was like losing feeling in my like from my elbows down and from my knees down to my toes which is not that uncommon for people who both things with with amphetamines and alcohol addiction it really screws with your nerves and nervous system but also your nerves and so in advanced stages like that. And so but Google searches right like I think that I had seen something about that but of

course like that couldn't be it had to have been cancer. So in my head I thought at the time I was like I think that I had seen something about that, but of course, like that couldn't be it. It had to have been cancer. So in my head, I thought at the time I was like, I just thought I had cancer. I wasn't doing anything about it because I couldn't, right? And so, you know, I'm in treatment and it was two weeks in till they had a, like I called the, you know, come to Jesus moment where they, you know, my parents had called them and been like, the sheriff showed up at our house and there was a warrant out for Patrick's arrest. Oh, geez. Hadn't been honest about like, you know, they ask you when you go in, do you have any legal

stuff that we don't know about that we need to know about? And I was like, no, I did. Yeah. You know, and they put their foot down. They said, Patrick, you know, you, you haven't acted like you want to be here since you since you got To treatment you know you're in a group full of guys that you know They are behaving in a way that they they want to be here You're the bad apple out of the bunch, and we don't know what we're gonna do with you and it's

You're in there, and you were like yes It's scared it scared the shit out of me at this point So you go when you're in you know AA meetings or or any type of 12-step meeting You know we introduce ourselves and then my specific ones are I'm not supposed to you're not supposed to say the name press but You know, I'm Patrick and I'm an alcoholic But I was so my pride was in such a state and I could not surrender and accept the fact that I was an alcoholic. I thought I was winning by taking the I'm an, out of that statement and I would just say Patrick alcoholic

because we had to introduce ourselves in such a way. Right, like when it, and so that's the level of non-surrender, non-acceptance and pride that I had going into treatment and it took me that long. But I thank God every day that two weeks in that burning bush or rock bottom for me, because that was truly, I think, the spiritual experience or rock bottom

that forced me to, that moment, the rest of that day, I was so scared. And all the defense mechanisms that had been holding up my fragile little ego Started to melt away and what changed then was From then on I was like, okay I don't have any of these answers and I'm scared but not scared like I'm gonna go operate out of fear scared as in I'm scared therefore I have to ask for help.

And what that looked like for me was every day asking the staff, asking, you know, others that had been there longer if they had recommended. I mean, I had to reframe my entire existence, way of being and how I showed up in life in general. Same. Like I said, we're very similar as we got there, didn't like it, and then I started to be the leader. I started really enjoying it.

Like once I, like I said, surrender is probably the right word to use. Once I surrendered to the fact that, okay, I have a problem. Now let's just go face first and let's be honest about it and let's do the work instead of fighting it. You hit a point where, you hit a point where, you hit a point where you just let it go.

There's like a switch, right? It was like a switch at some point during that thing where you just kind of like, you turn it around. And I think you and I kind of share the same thing. We just kind of said, okay, we're gonna surrender to it. And it was like, once you let yourself surrender, it's like, that's a great word to use, I was like, I said let go, but surrender is,

it's just so, it's just so, I don't know, it's very, it's a beautiful thing. And I feel like I'm losing my masculinity when I said that, I feel like I'm turning into such like a sap when I say this, but it is a very, it's just a very beautiful thing to let yourself go. And it's hard for a lot of people, especially,

I keep saying men, but it is hard for a lot of men to let themselves go and be vulnerable and be emotional. It's very very difficult especially for me. I think what's so what I would say to that is that I think that it just letting go looks so different for men and women because for men, for a lot of men, it's like what you described, letting go meant embracing and or showing your emotions more for women and not to speak for women, but just in my experience because I've worked in the field for so long, you know, a lot of it is being able to get honest about,

you know, trauma that's occurred to, and a lot of it is that, because there's a lot of stored up stuff that, I think that it is easier for a lot of females to be in touch with their emotions and embrace those more, but the stuff that comes in conjunction with that is the, what has either happened to them, what's going on, and home, you know, things that they don't feel like they can be honest about.

So like, I think the letting go just, it looks completely different for many people in the different gender categories. Well, I have to say, this has been awesome. We've learned so, I definitely wanna have you back again. For someone, I have to say, this has been awesome. We've learned so much. I definitely want to have you back again. For someone listening to this podcast today and really wants to get some help,

can you, where can they go? Can you just get some ideas to where they can go or what they can do? Promises.com. Promises.com. Yeah, go to promises.com. And if you're a chat person and don't like to talk on the phone.

Right, what if people don't have a ton of money where would you suggest? No, and things like that and I would absolutely suggest suggest meetings if it's mental health that you're struggling with Yeah, you can you can Google what mental health groups and then what what types of things you're struggling with? even if it's I'm struggling with sadness is there a 12 step group for that right or I'm struggling with da da da da da. I mean anything right? Sex, gambling, drugs, alcohol, mental health, anger. And you can find a 12 step group. I would absolutely suggest that.

I would suggest that you need to find, if you don't feel like you have anyone in your life that is safe enough to tell, do your best to find someone that you can tell. Do not keep whatever it is that you're struggling with to yourself. Get honest with someone about it. And then ask for help. Ask for help from someone. That's, that's.

For someone. There's, but, but the, as far as the, the issue of payment is concerned, there, it, it just depends on where you are. There's, there are nonprofits in every city that, that do, you know, good work. A lot of insurances. Medicaid, Medicare. People don't know, insurances cover a lot too Cover a lot to people don't know that I didn't even know that until I found out later I thought it was like okay This is a you know it's strictly a cash thing but a lot of insurance is cover it too and and there's there's a lot

Of like you said like AIDS out there, too But I just wanted to you know ask you but I just I just really want to commend you if you know for being so So open about yourself and having so many others on your podcast share their struggles You know it's it's you know really an incredible that you use your platform to empower so many others that have these difficult You know these difficult conversations that are you know that aren't easy to have and you do it really so seamlessly actually You know, i've listened to it. So I just wanted to say thank you You know as someone who battles with you know, many things on a daily basis, you know It really helps me to to i'd say listen to you know

A lot of your stories and and not feel so I guess alone would be the best yeah not feel so alone you know I'm sure you know a lot of people feel the same after listening to your podcast so again it was such a pleasure having you on please make sure to listen to Patrick's podcast Rooted Recovery Stories and you can find him on Instagram at Patrick underscore Custer that's Patrick underscore Custer C-U-S-T-E-R. Thank you so much for being here. I really, really enjoyed having you.

Hopefully you can come back again. Absolutely. And have a great, great day. Thank you, you too, and everyone else.