When Reality Hits with Jax and Brittany - Setting the Curtains on Fire in the Bedroom with Dr. Nicole McNichols

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

Brittany sits down with renowned “Sex Professor” Nicole McNichols to talk honestly about intimacy at every stage — from postpartum body confidence and dry spells in long-term relationships to dating after divorce, sex on the first date, and the difference between situationships and friends with benefits. Dr. Nicole shares research-backed advice on communication, emotional connection, and how to stop overthinking in the bedroom so you can build healthier, more satisfying relationships.Please support the show by checking out our sponsors!Cowboy Colostrum: Get 25% Off Cowboy Colostrum with code REALITYHITS at cowboycolostrum.com/REALITYHITSHiya: Hiya Health: Receive 50% off your first order when you go to hiyahealth.com/REALITYHITSPura: Get a free Pura diffuser For Home Diffuser when you subscribe for 12 months at https://Pura.comDiscover Your New Home at apartments.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And welcome back to another episode of When Reality Hits. I have a very amazing guest for you guys today who I am so excited about. This is Dr. Nicole McNichols. Hello. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you so much for being here. So I did a story on my way here. And at first I tagged because I was like a sex therapist.

And then I said America's number one intimacy professor. Which one do you prefer being called? No, I own the title of sex professor because I'm just about destigmatizing this word and this idea. And I know oftentimes on social media, we try to get around it by saying intimacy. But I'm here just to give you honest, frank information. So let's just call it sex professor. Sex professor. So we're going to do both of them together.

Combine the two. Perfect. All right. I'm going to read a little bio about you so our listeners know what's going on. This is Dr. Nicole McNichols. She is an internationally renowned human sexuality professor, author, and speaker whose groundbreaking course, the diversity of human sexuality, is the most popular in history of the University of Washington,

enrolling over 4,000 students annually. That is amazing. And you have your new book that's coming out today, correct? Coming out today. Yes. You can be having better sex. You know, you sent one to me. Thank you so much. I was in Cabo for my birthday and my nanny opened it. I love that. And she's just the sweetest thing ever. And she's just like, here's your new book. And I was like, thank you so much. Can you tell us a little bit about your book? Absolutely. So as you know, I teach this really popular human sexuality course. And what I realized was that I wanted to be able to bring really good information to everyone who's not able to sit in my classroom, whether you are single or dating or in a 20-year marriage like I am, and just be able to explain how sex is something that we need to prioritize and that there are research-back tools for how to improve passion in your long. long-term relationship or date with more confidence or understand your body or explore something like kink or if you're thinking of opening up your relationship. But primarily I wanted to be able to give information to people looking around at a world where so many of us are feeling lonely

and disconnected and maybe not so sure about how to make our sex lives better and really help people feel empowered and excited about this incredibly essential aspect of their lives that really deserves to be getting a lot more attention. I think it's so important too. I have been very open. I feel like I'm a very sexual person. I don't care to admit that. I love that. Like, I will talk about it day in and day out. You know, it was very, if you ever watched, I'm not sure if you ever watch any of the shows that I've ever been on or not, but on the Valley, I was going through a separation and stuff. And it was very well known that in my relationship for the past, after I had my son, basically,

I didn't have very much intimacy in my relationship at all. And that made me feel horrible. Like my confidence was very low and I just didn't feel very, like, good about myself. And I'm so proud of you for being able to show that vulnerability because there are literally millions and millions of women, and I am one of them. I mean, I remember, I have three children, and now they're a little bit older. I have two teenagers and an 11-year-old. But I remember what it was like when you have really young kids. And there's just this sense of exhaustion. And, you know, I breastfed all three of my kids for a year. Like, I was all in. I wanted to be the perfect mom.

And the problem with trying to be the perfect mom is, you know, I mean, not that there's any problem. We all want to be the perfect mom. Of course, but there's not a perfect mom. Of course. It's not a perfect mom. Yeah, that does not exist. Exactly. And you're getting into bed at the end of the day and you're so exhausted and you just any free time you have, you just want to be able to get a nap or get to bed. And I remember getting in a bed at the end of the night and just feeling so guilty if, you know, my husband were to reach out to me. And just feeling like, oh, my God, it's almost like I'm just touched out at the end of the day, you know, with your kids and just feeling exhausted. And you've had this horrible sense of guilt because it almost just feels like one more person's physical needs that you need to fulfill. And that is a horror, you know, this person that you love more than anything in the world.

And yet you just feel so tapped out and exhausted. And so that is a huge audience that my book absolutely speak. to. And it's just an experience that's just so relatable to so many of us. What advice would you give, like, specifically to mothers facing postpartum who don't really feel like their body is their own? I had a lot of that, you know, going through postpartum and stuff. I didn't, like, feel confident in my body. I didn't feel like I, you know, it wasn't my own body for a long time, kind of. And I'm so glad you brought that up because there's so much fascinating research around body image and just how that can get in the way of intimacy and what you do

about it. Yeah. Right. And so, you know, first of all, you know, I gained just a full honesty. I gained about 70 pounds. Me too. All three pregnancies. And I know what it feels like when you're like, oh my God, whose body is this? It just, you feel so disconnected. But you have to remember, you know, look in the mirror and look at your body and just remember. it just did something, can I swear on your podcast? Yes. It just did something. I'm like, aren't we can't? Amazing. Yes. I always say that too. Like I always am like my body did something amazing. But even whenever you try to tell yourself that, sometimes it's hard. Yeah. Sometimes it's still very hard. And that's what a lot of this research shows is that when, you know, because we've often been

taught through sort of the body positivity movement that we need to love our body. bodies and we need to constantly be thinking, I love my body, it's amazing. I look in the mirror and I think everything's perfect. And that's almost a burden, right? Because it just feels like such an unachievable goal for so many of us. And so, you know, when I talk about this in my book, really what we want to be doing is just trying to get away from having any judgment at all. You know, first of all, yes, do look in the mirror and do try to find some element. element of your body that really you still love and think is beautiful, right? Maybe it's your clavicle. Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe you have beautiful hands and fingers. Maybe it's your hair. Whatever it is,

find some aspect of yourself that you really feel proud of and really focus on that. I love that. And then beyond that, you know, view your body. It's incredible what it helps you do. I mean, it just gave birth. It helps you get to where you need to be. It's strong. It nourishes you. It allows you to accomplish everything you need to accomplish in life. But what often happens during sex is, and this is such a common experience that these two very famous sex researchers named Masters and Johnson studied this phenomenon where they'd have couples come into their lab and they would completely hook them up with sensors just to measure everything was going on physiologically. and then they would interview them about the very thoughts that they were having all through the sexual experience.

And what they found, Brittany, was that it is so common for people to start picking themselves apart during sex, particularly a woman, where instead of being focused and in the moment and present during sex, you're thinking about what your thighs look like or your stomach or, you know, what it must be like, you know, all this bouncing and thinking, oh, my God, here's my body. It's so much bigger. Yes. No, it's true. It's true.

And here's what's fascinating is that to really be able to enjoy sex, we need to be able to be present. And the very parts of our brain that are activated when we're judging and picking apart are the thinking parts of the brain in that pre-stance. in that prefrontal cortex, in the mid-centers of our brain that need to quiet in order for us to be able to experience pleasure, right? And so a really famous researcher named Dr. Lori Brato developed this technique called, that I talk all about in my book, and it's called Sexual Mindfulness. And the idea is just the way you would cultivate mindfulness in other aspects of your life, which is that during sex, you really want to be focused on the very sensations that are happening

in your body. And you're going to notice negative thoughts about your body or about how maybe it's not mapping on to that hot sexy you just saw the new season of Bridgetton or whatever it was. They can kind of get in her way. These thoughts that are so common that Masters and Johnson even had a word for that, right? They called it spectatoring. So you need to stop spectatoring, but at the same time, be like, you know what, these thoughts, they're going to come and go. And I'm just going to notice, oh, there's me trying to pick myself apart. And you're just going to let those thoughts exit out, right?

You're going to see them and you're just going to just be neutral. So in other words, it's not so much about having to love our bodies and think that we are just the hottest things ever, which is great if you're able to get yourself there. And in fact, you know, act, you know, feeling that way during sex can be wonderful. But you don't need to absolutely love your body to be able to experience pleasure, right? We can experience pleasure no matter our shape, our size, what we look like. It's about a moment of connection with our partner where both of us are centered in our bodies through that feeling of pleasure. that connection to your breath, that connection to all of the things that your body can do and feel,

receive and give pleasure, not all of these judgments that because of the culture and media were surrounded by, we're so tempted to have. So it's just kind of about like knowing you're going to have those thoughts, but letting them exit out of your head and always doing your best to bring your attention back to what you're feeling in your body. Okay. I love that. Also, I've heard, you know, for a long time that women especially, like it's harder for them to have an orgasm or anything like that unless they're really connected to the person. Yes. Do you believe that's true?

So there is research showing that when women experience stronger feelings of emotional intimacy and connectedness during sex, that yes, that does increase the chances of. of orgasm, which is just one measure of pleasure. Right. You can experience, you don't have to have an orgasm to have a, you know, that's another topic. Yes. But to the extent that, yes, that, because if you think about it, right, in order to really experience pleasure, we have to have a sense of safety and trust and authenticity and feeling like we are, yeah, emotionally connected to our partner, right? And this is why I really encourage people, you know, especially young parents of young kids or newborn, you know, after those six weeks when you're not

supposed to have sex. Yes. To plan intimacy dates, right? Because I think one of the biggest myths about sex that gets in our way, especially as new parents, is that it has to happen spontaneously in order to be pleasurable, right? Actually, you know, think about the fact that everything else we do in lives that in our life that we look forward to, that's pleasurable, that's exciting. We put on the calendar, right? Whether it's a vacation or a girl's night or that shopping trip that you're, you know, excited to go on with your

friends or, you know, whether it's, you know, something to do with a hobby that's coming up. We put it on our calendars. Now, I'm not saying that this needs to be some kind of a contract where it's Wednesday night at 8 p.m. Time for sex. That's a very, very, unsexy way to, you know, go into a sexual experience. Back to this really important idea that you raised about how necessary it is, particularly for women, to have a sense of connection in order to be able to enjoy sex. This is why I recommend an intimacy date because you're allowing yourself time before to connect with your partner, to catch up with each other, not just in terms of what happened

during your day. But what are you enjoying in life at the moment? Right. How are, how are things going, right? What are your hopes? What are your dreams? What are you worried about? What are your anxieties? Because if we can sort of have that time that we set apart where, you know, we do the individual work, meaning we close our laptop earlier in the evening, maybe we plan a date night if you love, you know, my husband and I love food and wine. Oh, date night was a thing. That's always a favorite. Date night was a thing for me. So it was a, yeah, there was a whole, there was a whole scene where I said date night a million times and where I'm country.

It was like, date night, date night, date night. I was constantly asking, but I was constantly asking for date nights that never happened. So, you know, but, you know, I feel like you got to put it in the work. If you finally want to fix your gut, make your hair healthier and stronger and add some glow to your skin in 2026, you need to add. you need to add colostrum to your daily routine. Today's sponsor, Cowboy Colostrum, offers the highest quality bovine. That's cow, colostrum available in the U.S.

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couch, right? Or maybe it's a moment where you're, you know, you've put the kids to bed at the end of the day and you're just taking time to come back into your body. Right. I mean, this is why it's so important for mothers not to be the only ones that do the caretaking, right? Maybe at the end of the day, especially if you've been with the kids all day, right, encouraging your partner to be the one to step in and, you know, hold the baby, rock the baby. Well, you can just have some time to yourself. Take a bath, take a shower, charge your sex toys, right? Do whatever it is.

I love that. Grooming you need to do to feel in the mood because we need that emotional space to be able to transition, right? But I think that what happens with, you know, a lot of us and, you know, scheduling the date night and then it never happens. a lot of times, there's sort of one of two things. First of all, we need to understand how important sex really is, and intimacy really is, to our relationship and to our well-being.

I think it's very important. Say it again? I think it's very important. Yeah, it is. It is really important. And it's not surprising, right? Sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, when we look at thousands and thousands of couples are highly correlated.

But here's the thing. that kind of surprises people is that when we look at these longitudinal studies of couples over time, we find that the ones that spend time improving pleasure in their sex lives, right, find the things that really turn them on, bring them pleasure, lead to orgasm, right, that that later leads and translates to higher levels of relationship satisfaction, to higher levels of mental well-being, to higher level. of life satisfaction even because just generally pleasure is so critical overall as a category within our lives for human thriving.

So don't keep pushing off the date night or the time that you're just taking to have a glass of wine with your partner at the end of the day. That is critical time to catch up. And it's important to your relationship. And remember that it's also important for your ability to be able to show. up as the parents that you want to be for your kids. Yeah. It's not selfish.

Yeah. I think you have to be a happy parent to be able to be there 100% for your child. I've always believed that. Amazing. Yeah. You've got to put your own oxygen mask on first before, you know, giving it to the person, the kids beside you, the way every flight attendant has taught us. I know.

I know. But honestly, if I was on a plane, I could not see myself not giving cruises on oxygen mask first. I know that's crazy. I know that's not how it's supposed to go, but I think about that, and I'm like, Ah, yeah. Like, if you're passed out, no one's putting it. Exactly, exactly.

I know. I'm kind of joking, but, you know, my son always comes. You know, my son always comes first. So, so I'm glad that we're talking about that because I have so many people in my life who are either going through postpartum or, you know, still working on their relationships. And I did that for many years. I was with my ex for 10 years. but now I'm separated going through divorce that'll hopefully, that's been, you know,

happening for over two years now. So I'm single and I'm like in the dating scene again. Love it. Yes. But also challenging. Yes. And new. Yeah.

Challenging and new because, yes, I am a mom. And, you know, you have to like kind of find time to hang out with somebody or anything like that. So I would like to ask you a couple of questions. about dating. Please. Okay. What do you think about sex on the first date?

I have a lot of friends who had sex on the first date and are happily married with multiple kids and you would never imagine it. Yeah. So I don't believe that you need to be following certain rules. And I think it's just, I mean, you do have to ask yourself, right? Like if I go out with this person and we have sex and it doesn't work out, right? I don't, you know, then am I going to be really devastated? Right.

And if the answer to that is yes, you need to honor that and hold space for that with yourself, right? But what you shouldn't be doing is saying that you're not going to have sex on the first date because we live in a culture that has shamed women for having sex outside the context of relationships, right? Yeah. Like, forget that. Forget that, that ridiculous arbitrary rule about what we should and shouldn't be doing, right? This is about what makes us happy. And so, you know, from the perspective, first of all, you know, should you be doing it to begin with? If it makes you happy and you feel confident. And, you know, when I talk about this in my book, you feel confident, speaking up during the experience about what feels good to you, what you want to do, where you want to do. it's really an experience where you're both committed to mutual pleasure, absolutely go for it. But, you know, to this, you know, a heart of the question of do I think that if you have sucks with somebody on the first date, that it's automatically keeping you from being able to settle down

and have a real relationship, I mean, there's no data to support that. And anecdotally, I will just say, you know, I have lots of friends who met that way. Yeah. Do you, okay, so another thing that I feel sometimes is that men can be very intimidated by strong or successful women, which I am finally like, you know, I have a great career, you know, I can do whatever. I don't need a man for anything. I want a man, but I don't need a man. Do you know what I mean? Right, exactly.

If you're telling them also like what you want in bed and stuff, will that kind of like hurt their ego? If it's like a new, if it's like a new thing, a new relationship. Do you know what I mean? I don't. I absolutely know what you mean. But you have to remember that what those guys really want is to feel like successful in a sense. Do you know what I mean? not that I want to ever frame sex as something where you are out to achieve anything,

but it's really about their ego is probably going to be fed by you seeming like you are really enjoying yourself. True. And so I think so long as, and the reality is that you are likely going to be enjoying yourself more if you feel like you can really ask for what you want and they're receptive to that and responsive to that. And if they're not receptive or responsive, then that, that says a lot about them, not just as a sexual partner, but as just maybe a person in general.

Right. That should be a red flag. That should be a red flag. Yeah. Okay. So I think by speaking up and remember that in addition to asking for what you want, then, you also really need to be giving feedback, right? This is why, you know, one of my most viral TikToks with millions of views is literally called

make noise during sex. Oh, my God. I will say if you are with somebody and they are silent, it is the weirdest. Oh, it's my word. Like, don't do that. Don't be silent during sex. Like, they don't say anything until they're like, oh, I'm both to. I don't know if I should say.

It's so on. Like, I hate that so much. Like, do not be silent until you're about to do it. Like, that's awful. Yeah, and men have such a hard time with that. But it's really just about making sure that. that asking for what you want, but using sighs, moans, you know, vocal expressions, they actually serve a lot of purposes. First of all, they, you know, calm your nervous system, which allows you

to experience pleasure even more. It can also help you to get in the mood. I mean, Brittany, every now and then, being a tiny bit of a drama queen can kind of help you get in that mindset. And I'm not talking about huge performative sex. I never want to advocate for that. But if we're using sounds to express how we feel, it's going to come back to this idea of allowing us to be present focusing on pleasure instead of activating that part of our brain that's all about picking ourselves apart. Yeah. No, I agree with that big time. Like, if any guys are listening to this, do not be silent during sex because that's weird. Exactly.

And I feel like if, you know, you're trying to feel more comfortable, like letting them know that something feels good or is working for them. that's just going to motivate you and make you feel better about what you're doing and not focus so much about the things that you don't like about yourself. Exactly. Exactly. And back to your original question about if you're really forthcoming, about what you want in bed, if you're giving all of this positive feedback about how good it feels, trust me, they're going to feel amazing about themselves.

That is going to be good for their sexual self-confidence, not anything that's going to disrupt the feeling of connection or trust. I love that. Couldn't agree more. Okay. So another question, because this has become a thing that a lot of people talk about these days and it's happening to a lot of men and women around the world. What do you think about situationships? Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I talk about this in my book a lot and I've had so many conversations with my students because I think they can, you know, the problem with these ambiguously defined relationships, right? Where, I mean, I'm thinking of a situation as something where neither partner or at least one really has a sense of clarity

about what the relationship means or where it's going or what the intentions are. And that can lead to a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of confusion, a lot of resentment, a lot of anger, a lot of frustration. But, you know, the problem is that we live. in what I described as a culture of chill, where it's almost, you know, there's almost this sense of if you express needs in the context of a situation ship, if you ask for clarity, that that is somehow needy, right? And that you're expressing a want for codependence if you're trying to ascertain where things stand. And that's just ridiculous, right? I mean, that's absurd. We need to be able to speak up and say, you know, where does this stand? Or be able to honestly communicate that

you're not looking for a long-term relationship and is the other person okay if this is just for fun. Yeah. Right. I mean, because part of the other problem here is that we kind of shame, we put so much stigma around just casual sex in general, right? Which is sort of a shame because when we look at the data, it's really very mixed, right? Some people, do have really horrible, disappointing, frustrating experiences with casual sex, whereas others have exciting, adventurous, thrilling, pleasurable experiences. And when we look at the data, what really, what we see in terms of what predicts which kind of outcome is the motivation, right? In other words, if your motivation truly is excitement, adventure, a little bit of the chase, you know,

seeing where things going, the novelty of a new partner, you're much more likely to enjoy the experience, then if you're entering into it, hoping it's going to lead somewhere, not quite sure, but afraid to speak up and ask for clarity about what you really want. Yeah. Right? And so, yeah. You need to be upfront in a situation ship about like what you're wanting, you know? Exactly.

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Welcome to Beach Too Sandy water too wet, the podcast where we do dramatically. readings of the most wild and off-the-wall reviews on the internet. We read real reviews about everything from Vegas weddings, matchmaking services, and Trader Joe's to caves, toddler beds, and Spirit Halloween. You won't believe the things people think absolutely must be said on the internet. How else would everyone know that some caves don't have Wi-Fi? We hear about the good, like the time a couple was happily married in a Vegas Denny's. And the bad, like who knew people stole from pet cemeteries?

And the ugly. Because when there's soggy lettuce in the Chucky Cheese salad bar, can get pretty ugly. Join us every Wednesday wherever you listen to your podcast. I feel targeted by that Pet Cemetery's comment. I was about to say, wasn't that you? That was me. So I really try to differentiate between this situation where it's ambiguously defined. One person typically, it's like this game of whoever's the most frustrated loses, right? And it's just, or whoever's the most confused. And I really, you know, that can be really hurt. hurtful, but a friends with benefit situation where both people are completely on the same page

at the experience. It's just about sexual pleasure. Do you think there's a difference in friends with benefits and a situation ship? Okay. Tell me what the difference is in those two. Yes. So with a friends with benefits, both people know that the experience is just about pleasure and sex. And both people are on the same page that maybe they're just not in a place, in life where they're looking for a long-term relationship. Maybe they just came out of a long-term relationship and are not yet quite ready to settle down and they're trying to see what else is out there. Maybe it's that they eventually might want a long-term relationship. And this is a person that they sexually connect with, but don't feel like they're compatible with at a level where they'd

want to have that relationship. If people are able to talk about that and express that that's what they're looking for. And honestly, withhold the friends element of that arrangement and the friends with benefits, meaning you care about the other person's emotional well-being. You truly are friends, right? And you agree on things like, okay, are we just getting together for sex? Or is this going to be that we hang out as friends outside the relationship, right? Or what are we going to do? You know, is this situation? Is this friends of benefits relationship exclusive? Or are we allowed to also have other sexual partners. And if we do, do we tell each other? Right. Right. So there kind of needed to be a lot of sort of clear boundaries and, you know, for lack of a better word, rules set up with the friends with

benefits. And if there are and both people are aligned and it's handled with care and sensitivity, it can be a great situation. It can be fantastic. Yeah. You know, because the reality is that the average age of marriage right now in America is 31. Right. It used to be like 22. Yeah, no, I know. Whenever I was growing up, I thought I was going to be married by 24, started having kids and, you know, it worked out differently for me. And now I'm single. I just turned 37. So, oh, happy birthday. Oh, thanks. Exactly. One quarter of people 40 years old and older are single. So, you know, for a whole bunch of those people, long-term monogamy, or maybe at least at this moment, isn't what they're looking for or isn't right for them. Right.

And so can't we start to normalize sexual relationships that maybe aren't just about long-term relation, you know, just that escalator of monogamy, as we call it, but are just about short-term pleasure. And yes, as long as there's communication and everyone's on the same page, they can be fantastic. They can be fun, lusty, amazing experiences where there's not sort of the other, all of the work and all of the expectations and burdens that can come with a more long-term form of monogamy. Yeah. But again, it's where one person's hoping it leads to more or think it's leading to more and the other person is really not doing a good job about communicating the fact that to them it's not. Right. Right. Or is like future. faking and, you know, making all of these promises.

Love bombing, all the things. All the things. Yeah. Which is really a form of manipulation, right? I mean. 100%. Yeah. So I think when people can treat each other with respect and be on the same page.

And if you have to truly ask yourself, am I okay if this is just about sex, right? Am I okay if this is not going anywhere? Right. Do you agree that women? are going to be more emotionally attached to someone that they're having, like, sex with multiple times than men would be? So, I mean, it's tricky because in some ways, yes, simply because we are socialized to want to connect and have that level of emotional intimacy and, you know, achieve that level of safety

before we can have sex with somebody else and really enjoy it. But many women don't need that, right? I mean, that's sort of the beauty of all this is we're so incredibly, beautifully diverse, right? I mean, what makes some women actually have what we call high levels of sociosexuality, which is a term you used to describe the fact that they might have more orgasms and better sex if it's unattached. and there's not sort of this emotional burden to it. Yeah.

Right. And so we need to make sure that women who have that experience don't feel ashamed for having that. Right. Again, as long as there's clarity around it, it's totally fine and healthy. It can be empowering. But we also need to not shame women who feel like that's just not for me. And I know that I'm going to need a level of trust and emotional safety and intimacy and connection

before, you know, and that that's the kind of thing that when I have sex multiple times with a partner, you know, I mean, that neurotransmit or oxytocin, it certainly kicks in. But, you know, men can get really attached to you. And I've had plenty of men reach out to me over social media or end up in my office hours where they really did kind of feel like they were having sex with somebody and it led, you know, a woman and it led to something, you know, that, you know, they realize that the, that their partner wasn't really attached to them. And then they felt like they were the ones in the relationship that wanted more. So it absolutely can go both ways. But I would say that, you know, simply because there is a sexual double standard where women do continue to be judged, right, even though they

shouldn't be for casual sex. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. Yeah. Exactly. Like it's 20, 26. Let's get over that. Right. Exactly. Exactly. But. But, you know, yeah, it's, you know, sex is always going to be a relational, psychological, emotional experience no matter what. It's never just two bodies smashing together. Right. There's always a sec, even if it's just for a night. Yeah. So, but there are ways to handle in casual sex experiences the next day with a level of care and checking in and reflection. And even if it's just, you know, a text the next day that's like that was amazing last night. Like, you know, I mean, just something that's that's just kind, right?

That's going to be a whole lot better than just having sex with somebody and just kind of emotionally disposing of them the next day, which, you know, I argue in my consent manifesto in my book is just not something that as a society we should keep tolerating, right? It's just kind of behavior that's cruel and that we're normalizing because we think that it's needy to ask for more, but when in fact it's not, right? Oh, I love it. I love it. Okay.

I love all this information. Okay, so you mentioned that you've been married for over 20 years. Yes. That's amazing. Obviously, we know why. I know, I'm just kidding. But I just want to know what drew you to becoming a sex professor in the first place. Okay.

So random, Brittany. So random. Were you already married? Or was it before? I was already married. Okay. And I spoke about this actually at UW graduation a couple years ago because there's some people who come out of college.

They know exactly what they want and they go straight for that career. And they actually do it. I took a very circuitous route. I was not even a psychology major. But if you just go back to when I, you know, eventually when I got my PhD in psychology, I came out of grad school. And what I thought I wanted to do was help solve the loneliness epidemic, right? I was looking around at people who sort of clearly were disconnected.

A lot of that, I believed, came from just social media, technology, our sense of just distance from each other, stress in the world, everything. And so my heart really was in helping people feel more empowered and connected to themselves. And so those were kind of the primary types of classes that I was teaching at the time. And then the professor that had taught my class, the human sexuality class in his prior form for many, many years, two weeks before the start of the quarter, fell and broke her leg. And an SOS went out in the department begging for somebody to step in. And it was crickets, as you can imagine. Everyone was kind of did not want to go touch that subject of having to teach a sex class to hundreds of students and, you know, it's viewed as, you know, very awkward, full of landmines.

And so I was trying to establish myself in the department. So I kind of stepped forward, Katness Everdeen style offering myself as tribute. Yes. I love it. And I stepped in and I kind of never looked back because I got in. I, you know, started just diving so deeply into the research. And it was kind of like the more I learned and the more I could bring this knowledge to my students and the transformation that I saw in my students by, you know, taking a topic that there was so much fear and shame and anxiety around and just giving them and empowering them with this information and seeing that they, became more confident, better able to express their needs, better able to take time to understand what

they wanted, and that that was a skill set that showed up both in their sexual lives as well as in their lives in general, right? Because those are all, you know, communicating what you want, your boundaries, your needs. That's an important skill set for life. Yeah. And so that happened. And, you know, the same time, I felt like everything I was learning about my body, about relationships, about the psychology behind different forms of sexual expression, it improved my own sex life. Right? I mean, at the time when I was, when I stepped into the class, I mean, my husband and I were having sex, but we weren't exactly sitting the curtains on fire.

And I'd say that I improved that you can have the best sex of your life, even 20 years. Go, girl. Go, girl. I love that. Oh, depression. I love that. And honestly, I bet, you know, that helps your students so much because, I mean, I didn't really have a class like that in college, but in, you know, you get it in middle school or high school. And it is nothing like the way that you speak about it, which I admire so much. It's more like the ends. And, you know, this is this, this is that. This is how you get pregnant. There's condoms, STDs, blah, blah, blah, like all the ugly stuff. It's all about the fear. It's all about what can go wrong.

There's no conversation about how wonderful it can be and how do you communicate what you want and what does a healthy relationship look like. So, yeah, I try to really focus on all the joys and benefits and, you know, understanding your body and pleasure and all of it. So people aren't just left with this picture of sex as being skilled. and leading to all these horrible outcomes, right? Understanding that it's actually critical to our well-being. Yeah.

I wouldn't call it a sex therapist or anything like that. I mean, maybe it was. I don't know, but it was on one of the seasons of the Valley. And it was like just a lot of breathing and stuff like that. But it wasn't really like talking about much or it was like breathing in and out. And I don't know. It was nothing like. Opposite of what I.

Yeah. I like this better. Like I feel like this would, you know, I would learn so much more. How can partners start conversations about sex that feels safe and respectful? Okay. You need to start with the basic premise where there's just two central truths. One, this is a really awkward topic to bring up, right? Especially if you're in a relationship or marriage where you feel like you've kind of drifted apart.

or you're going through a dry spell, or maybe it's just been a while, or maybe you've just been having kind of the same sex for a while, and you just kind of feel like, is this it? Can, you know, can there be more? Right. So acknowledging that it's a tricky, awkward topic, but at the same time, acknowledging just how important it is, important to you, important to your well-being,

important to your relationship, your marriage, to your kids even, but your parents have a good relationship. So I think you kind of need to sit down and have a conversation that just sort of starts with those two fundamental truths. Like, I know this is awkward and hard to talk about, but it's really important. So let's have this conversation anyway, right? Let's try to make our sex life better because it's already great or, you know, there are already certainly aspects, right? I mean, I do generally believe leading with the positive, right? There are aspects that are great or that used to be great. And I think it would be really wonderful to try to build on those.

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To claim this deal, you must go to Hiahealth.com slash reality hits. This deal is not available on their regular website. Go to H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-H-E-A-L-T-H-H-H-E-L-T-H-H-E-H-E-L-H-E-H-E-Lity Hits and get your kids the full-Bodynourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. Check them out. So I think it has to start with a conversation where you're framing it in that way. Okay.

And then the best kind of, and I lay out sort of this cycle of sexual communication in chapter five of my book where it's, there's so much research showing that couples really quickly, very quickly start to feel emotionally connected when you engage in sort of this back and forth of question asking where you're each taking turns, sharing really vulnerable information about yourself and that through the progression of the questions is sort of getting increasingly more personal, vulnerable, increasingly more spicy. Yeah, I love that. Right.

And so it's going to start out. And again, I generally, you know, I mean, I don't need to tell you that the research supports this. It's probably intuitively obvious that when we use the positive as our springboard, as the foundation, and lead with curiosity from there, it's going to go a lot better and be more productive than if we start by just listing all the things that we hate in our sex life. Yeah, I think that that would be the wrong way to go about it completely, especially with people's egos like I kind of talked about earlier.

Yeah. Yeah. And so questions about what's the best sex we ever had and what, you know, what was involved, where were we? What positions? What techniques? What kind of a mental mindset were we both in? Right? Because that can lead you to ideas about how you can recreate those aspects, right? And then

getting into questions like, what's a sexual fantasy that you've always had that maybe you've been a little bit nervous to tell me about? Yeah. Right. Or what's something that maybe you've always wanted to try in our sex life that maybe you've been a little bit nervous to bring up, right? So if you're both taking turns, answering those questions with each other, and again, setting time apart where you're don't have distractions. You've acknowledged it's awkward, but you're doing it anyway, right? You can kind of set up those conversations to open the door, right? At the same time, you want to be engaging in other forms of intimacy besides just sexual intimacy, right? We tend to just equate intimacy with sex, but actually things like non-sexual physical touch are huge, right? Even actually as a tool to help people

with body image issues. There's so much research coming out now that just physically, affectionately touching your partner, whether it's a hug or a caress or shoulder rub or foot rub, whatever it is, it sort of unconsciously sends this message to your partner that you like their body, right? That you want to touch their body. Like I think love languages are very important. Yes. I agree. And I know most researchers are like, oh, there's no evidence to support. But they can be a really useful framework. Yeah, to at least know what your partner likes. Yes, exactly.

Exactly. So, yeah, and, you know, talking about the future together, which is one of the reasons why if you're, you know, future faking and creating a false sense of intimacy can be manipulative. If there's not, you know, the context of a long-term relationship, but in a long-term relationship, yeah, talking about the future, things you're excited about together, planned. And I'm not just talking about teamwork of what's going to happen. next day and who's going to drop the cat off at the vet and get the kids to their dentist appointment. I'm talking about long-term things you're excited about, that vacation you want to go on, the trip you might want to go on, the class you might want to take. So if you can really be focused on that, as well as, you know, I talk about this idea of

aesthetic intimacy, whether it's enjoying a beautiful sunset or a painting or a beautiful meal together, intellectual intimacy, right, sharing ideas that you bounce off of each other. Spiritual intimacy, which is really about connecting about your worldview. It can be faith-based or it can just be about things that you really believe are true in life. In other words, if we foster those other types of intimacy in our life while also prioritizing the types of conversations that open up and create a dialogue with our partner about sex, about what we want to try, we create both the right as well as a path forward to having better sex. I love it.

Nicole, I know so many of our listeners are going to love all this information that you are sharing. We are running out of time, but can you please tell everyone where they can follow you on Instagram? I could talk to you for hours, so I wish we had more time because I love all this information. I know it's going to be so helpful to so many women and men and relationships and partners and marriages and single people, everyone. So, yeah, if you could tell everyone where to find your book, where they can find you on Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff to get more information.

Absolutely. Okay. So my book, you could be having better sex, is out today. And it's available at every bookstore and retailer. So go grab your copy. And then you can also follow me for more fun educational content on Instagram or TikTok at Nicole underscore the sex professor. So I hope to see there. Oh, or go to my website, Nicole the Sexprofessor.com and sign up for my newsletter where, you know, I won't spam you.

I send you once a month, just fun information about sex tips and advice and the latest finding this that can help you have better sex. Everyone go get her book and go look her up, follow her on Instagram, TikTok, all the things. Check out her website. You have been amazing. It was so wonderful to meet you. It was so wonderful to meet you. YouTube, Brittany. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. Thanks for coming on and thanks everyone for tuning

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