Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (sometimes) - Conan O'Brien

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson are turning the mic on their podcast boss, Conan O'Brien! The guys ask Conan about where his self-deprecating humor comes from and what his kids think of his work. Conan offers some wisdom he's learned from his many years as both a TV and podcast host. Bonus: Conan and Woody share a genuine moment while Ted's out of earshot. Season 1 of “Conan O’Brien Must Go” is streaming on Max now. Listen to Conan’s podcast, “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend” wherever you get your podcasts. Like watching your podcasts? Visit https://youtube.com/teamcoco to see full episodes.

Ted seems to care about things and think about more than himself. And you seem like someone who's just devoted your whole life to self-pleasure, just living in the moment, good times. And I want to, I demand. I think that sums it up pretty good. No, that's not true. Hi, welcome back to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with me, Ted Danson, and Woody Harrelson, sometimes. For this conversation, we are outside up on the roof of the Team Coco office here in LA. It was Woody's idea. Don't ask me why. I think it's because he loves the sound of the Team Coco office here in LA. It was Woody's idea.

Don't ask me why. I think it's because he loves the sound of leaf blowers. If you don't know, Team Coco is the media company founded by today's guest, who also happens to be our podcast boss, Conan O'Brien. He hosts the hit podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, but I'm glad to say that Conan is back on TV. He has a new show called Conan O'Brien Must Go, in which he goes all around the world to visit his biggest fans who have called into his podcast.

All four episodes are out now on the Max streaming service. Anyway, Conan is a brilliant comedy mind, and it was such a treat to talk with him. And I'm not just saying this because, well, it's in our contract, which it is, but here's my friend, and now yours, Conan O'Brien. Oh, look who's coming. We're going to talk about you. He has five minutes for us. Ha ha ha. I got a lot to do. Okay, we're just reminiscing. It's not your turn yet.

About when we worked with you. I came on, oh, hey, listen, he's here. Why are we pretending? This is, we don't do pretend well, Woody, especially Woody. Wait, you're actors. That's essentially all you do. No, no, we do everything real. We don't pretend. No, we only tell the truth as actors. That's essentially all you do. No, no. We do everything real. We don't pretend.

No, we only tell the truth as actors. And the truth is, Conan O'Brien just sat down next to us. I did. So, hi. When I see you guys sitting together and I see a third chair, I am strongly motivated to sit in that chair. I really am. Oh, that's nice.

I adore both of you. This is a huge treat. So, thank you for having me. Seriously. This is why he's so good on his podcast. He's so good. Good at pretending to admire people. Pretending.

We're all here pretending, I guess. No, seriously. Here's what insulted me. We are, right now, you are doing your podcast at a studio that I have built with my bare hands. And this is my staff. And I come in today, everyone's smartly dressed and really excited because two big stars are coming. I come in every day and people are dressed like shit.

And suddenly it's like, well, you know, Ted and Woody are coming. And I said, I know, but come on. What about me? They don't care. They're very excited that you're here. By the way, you look dressed up too. You got the gray slacks. He wants to ask you about your underclothes.

Oh, let's hear it. Briefs or whatever. Well, yeah. Actually, Woody, that was private between the two of us. Oh, I didn't realize. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, let's hear it. Briefs or whatever. Well, yeah. Actually, Woody, that was private between the two of us. Oh, I didn't realize. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I just use an ace bandage. I wrap an ace bandage around my testicles and crotch. And so. That's a great visual. Thank you. Yeah. And then I can set the tension every day depending on what I want to feel. Or who you're interviewing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I can cinch tension every day depending on what I want to feel. Or who you're interviewing.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I can cinch it, get it real tight. What is the, it's the kind of the Catholic adjunct to that they do that kind of. Yes. Not even the Catholic, it's self-flagellating. Right. And what it is, it's this idea that we're're all i don't know how you guys were raised i was

raised uh very catholic you were raised catholic uh no watered down catholic you're so watered down catholic yeah there's no way right uh i you're supposed to suffer and feel badly and my mother used to start every sentence with i just feel so bad i just feel so badly that someone else didn't have enough cake that. I just feel so badly that someone else didn't have enough cake, that someone else missed the bus, that someone else, I saw someone on the street today and I just felt so bad. You're supposed to feel badly all the time. And so I think that was part of the- Pride goes before a fall. Yes. If you're miserable in this life, you will be rewarded in heaven, but you need to be miserable all the time.

Wow. I think there's something to that. I mean, you're joking about it, but it really is like you need to kind of, even not the extreme, but just the regular Catholicism or even Protestantism, there's a certain amount of mental self-flagellation. Yes. Yes. And the guilt over the sin and all of the, you know, it takes like, I talked one time, I remember years ago to Brad Pitt and I was saying, do you ever get out from under the guilt from religion?

And he says, I don't think so. No. And I don't know that anybody does. I can't tell if it was the religion I can't get out from under or my mother's interpretation of her religion. Well, I'd like to get a bead on. And by the way, I love the contrast in your styles right now. Ted, let me paint this for the listener.

Ted, you look like a very well-paid Dutch architect. You are wearing beautiful... Boy, nailed it. Nailed it. Wow. And Woody looks like he just washed up on shore.

A kind of a low-rent Caribbean boat exploded and you washed up on shore. Something from Triangle of Sadness. It's not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got your flip-flops

and some... It looks like your shorts are something you made quickly yourself out of a handkerchief but you both i just love it you two are you don't match and yet you match perfectly that's right i have little snapshot memories in my mind that will never go away and i have a very clear memory of um i, I, it's a long, crazy story. Uh, and a lot of my fans know it, but basically Letterman's leaving late night and there's this crazy, they don't know who to get to replace him because he left them in a lurch. They didn't think he was going to leave. There's this panic. A lot of insane, crazy coincidences happened.

And they end up with basically auditioning this 29-year-old goofball, myself. And then they just say, we don't know what to do. Let's just give it to him because he seems to know what to do, which was a mistake. But I still, they picked me. I was 30 and I'm in a hotel room in New York

and I have like two months to put the late night show together. And I'm there with my friend, Robert Smigel, who's going to help me put this show together. And we got nothing, nothing. And all I know is that we're at, I think, I think I'm in the Riga Royal Hotel and we're on the floor with just ideas, sheets of ideas. The new late night show starring the nobody, this person no one's ever heard of, who's going to replace the great David Letterman. I'm in this hotel room and I've got sheets on the floor with just scribbled ideas and Robert's there and we turn on the TV and it's the final cheers episode party salute where it's just all of America is saying the greatest television show of all time

is now coming to a close. And I remembered feeling the disparity between where you guys were and that I was on the floor with shreds of paper and she was cheering and, and then there's this whole Tonight Show like salute to you guys. And it just, all of America was losing its mind.

And I then they were like, well, a great sun sets on NBC. But don't worry. In two months, we found a guy named Chip Whitley to come along and pick up the banner. I've never felt so such a chasm between where I was and where these other people were. And that chasm, I don't think, has never completely closed. But I still, it's so funny now to be sitting with you guys. That was 30 years ago. And to be sitting with you guys now and still be alive is amazing to me. Well, it must feel good to be our bosses and know you have control over our happiness.

Our destiny. That's true. That's true. I was very pleased to know that neither of you invested your money wisely. Damn it. These guys who are icons are living paycheck to paycheck from the podcast. Ted often shows up to get his paycheck in person. Oh, man.

Let me ask you, as you do your self-deprecating humor, where did that come from? Has it always been? Yeah, it's built in. I could not fake that. You do a mental, I think, kids. I think when kids are three, they're starting to do a mental checklist of what,

you know, let me back it up. If you're in a, playing a video game, you immediately know what your character's powers are. You know, like you can, I can, I got a, I got a bow and arrow. I've got two bombs. I've got a magical sword. Whatever video game you're playing, you're told what's in your arsenal right away. I think kids do a mental checklist when they're very young, consciously or unconsciously. And I came from a really big family, still do, and I'm in the middle of six. And I remember going through my checklist and thinking, girls don't seem that interested. I mean, it wasn't three. I'm going to go higher. It was like six.

That was the first thing on the checklist. It was pretty early on. I was like noticing. My nanny doesn't really care for me. I've made several advances on my nanny, and she keeps reminding me I'm four and that I can't take her to dinner and don't have a credit card.

I can't take her to dinner and don't have a credit card. I can't take another rebuff. But no, I was going through my checklist and realizing the first thing you realize is the way that a lot of, at that time anyway, guys got sorted was athleticism. And I knew I don't have that. There's just a lot of things that weren't. And I didn't like the way I looked. So I had bright orange hair, freckles. Tall at that point or no? No, still I had a late growth spurt, literally in my like late forties.

No, I got a great growth spurt quite late, like in high school, I got tall, but I was not, um, uh, you know, particularly tall when I was younger. So just super skinny, not that big, bright orange hair. I look like the Wendy's logo. And I was not, uh, I remembered hating, like I would see, remember that show Hogan's heroes and I see Bob crane. And I think that's what people are supposed to, a guy should have jet black hair, like Elvis or Bob, like you're supposed to have black hair and you're supposed to look like that. You're not supposed to have an orange bowl cut that your mother is giving you with the Sears and Roebuck haircutting kit.

Line you all up and you sit on the kitchen table now and it's your turn and like you're in prison. It's funny as you say it, but truly not funny in that moment back then. Yeah. Were you really like, I was that version of the same thing. I was, when I was 12, I was six foot and weighed 120 pounds. Oh, wow. Which is terrifyingly skinny. I mean, just terrifying.

My record was 6'4". When I shot up real fast, 6'4", terrible growth pains, like roll out of bed and your calves just lock up. And the only way to get it to stop is if you can somehow stand on both feet, which is impossible because it's locked up. It's in a shut position. You've got to get your leg open and stand on it. That's the only thing you can do. And people in my house would hear screaming from my room, screaming, which was either, uh, uh, you know, terrible, terrible lockup of my calf muscle or me masturbating. Uh, cause I used a Brillo pad, which I later learned is not something to do. But for two years it worked well. Yeah, and man, my penis was clean.

Amazing reflective surface. But... After he cleaned up the blood. Yeah, well, that just dries, Woody. I was 6'4", 155 pounds. Oh, that's... Oh, my God. That's...

And I could... A memory I had when I was a writer on Saturday Night Live, I remembered... I think it was Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon said, hey, Conan,

come get lunch with us. So I went and got lunch with them. And I'm in my early 20s. And I go down and I could not gain weight. So I remembered I had, and Dana's just watching me because Dana's a runner, super healthy. So Dana ordered like a salad. And I think Kevin had like a diet, some kind of dietetic shake he had brought because they're both on camera

and they're guys in their thirties. And I ordered a triple cheeseburger with bacon on it, French fries, a Coca-Cola, large Coca-Cola, and an ice cream soda, a chocolate shake with pieces with like ice cream in it and whipped cream on top. I demolished all of that and then ordered an ice cream sundae for dessert. And Dana stared at me the whole time.

And when I was done, he said, how old are you? And I said, I'm 24, Dana. And he said, enjoy that. In this way, like I'm coming from the future to tell you this, this will not continue. But for right now, just enjoy that. Because I couldn't. You seem like you don't have a problem with your weight now.

I don't, but I mean that but i do work out i have to work out and i have to i have to uh watch what i eat i can't just eat anything and when i fall into old catholic habits of uh eating like six pounds of ham you know um just devouring it like in the refrigerator door right like a monster yeah it'll i'll pay the price so anyway it's just it's fascinating because i think we go through these checklists when we're kids and then to get back to it i was uh i realized that if I made fun of myself, it kind of just worked. And I watched a lot of old Bob Hope. Bob Hope was always, his comedic style was back on his heels. Like, ah, fellas, good to see you.

Like, everyone is bigger than him. Everyone's stronger than him. And he's always running into big guys and sort of touching them on the chest and go, ah, muscles. Nice with the muscles. Fellas, good to see you guys. All right, I'll just be on my way. And then I realized, it was only until he pointed out, but Woody Allen completely, he said, I totally ripped off Bob Hope. Early Woody Allen. It's all, fellas, good. Oh, look at the muscles. Officer, oh, he's got a gun. Nice. And I just picked that up and was constantly doing that kind of shtick. And suddenly I realized people are laughing.

They're asking me to do it again. Sometimes a girl is laughing, which got my attention. Like, oh, I can't catch a football, but I can make her laugh while she's still dating the football player. Why make life harder than it needs to be? With Consumer Cellular, you get the same fast, reliable nationwide coverage as big wireless, but without the cost of big wireless. And switching is easy. And I'm talking to you, Nick.

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is very happy. Uh-huh. Up to half the cost. He's watching the pennies. He is watching the pennies. Yeah. How's the service been since switching? I can tell you, I put it to a test because I live in a canyon and service is, you know, usually drops out like mad and I haven't had any dropouts. So that's pretty cool. That's a good stress test being in a canyon. Yeah. Like literally canyon. Literally. You're at the bottom of this huge. Not huge, but you know, uh, big enough to, are you trying to get me to tell you where I live? Can you post the address on the screen? Let's yeah. Let's get Ted's address up there. For a limited time, you can sign up with Consumer Cellular and save $50 with promo code TED50. Visit ConsumerCellular.com slash TED50 or call 1-888-FREEDOM and mention promo code TED50. That's ConsumerCellular.com slash TED50.

Promo code TED50. Terms and conditions apply. Savings based on Consumer Cellular's single-line 1, 5, and 10-gigabyte data plan with unlimited talk and text compared to T-Mobile and Verizon's lowest cost single line postpaid and limited talk text and data plans, January 2024. Woody, your break came so early, right? So you didn't, did you have years of thinking I'm no good or were you always a pretty confident guy who felt like you were going to be a success? Well, yeah, well, I, I, my, my period of doubt was condensed, but it was, it was hardcore. It was concentrated.

Yeah. You know, from when I moved to New York and it took me, there was a 14 month period of where doubt, not only doubt, but severe depression kicked in. Oh, wow. Because I realized, you know, when you're in, when you're going for it, well, I don't have an agent, but I can't get an agent unless they see me in something. And I can't be seen in something unless I have an agent to put me in. So it was like a catch-22, and I just like, I really thought I was going to come here and, you know, do well. And yet, you know, and then, of course, you know, eventually I did get a... And we were chatting just before this started,

and you mentioned that I'm always amazed by these stories. I was sharing that I got to talk to Harrison Ford on my podcast a couple of weeks ago, and he was very candid about this period in the 60s, late 60s, where he's doing, yep, you get to do a bonanza. Now you get to do a gun smoke, but he's living check to check and he's got a family and it's rough. And then someone sort of tells him, your name is no good and you don't have the right look. And he said they handed him a picture of Elvis Presley, circa like 1967, with the big black pompadour from one of the later Elvis films and said, go get this haircut, which he didn't do. But you hear it now and you think, wait, there was a period where Harrison Ford was sort of being kicked around. And he will tell you, oh, I remember the names. I remember the names of the executives

that said these things to me. I remember the names of the people. And he still has that feeling. And I think that's the revelation, is that you were saying, Woody, that you had someone telling you you got to lose the accent. Lose the accent and fill that gap in in the teeth.

Yeah. Yeah, but, and we were also talking about Al Pacino. Exactly. So bitter about they didn't want him for Godfather. He'll still to this day, he'll still to this day if it comes up, you know, so the studio, when they're putting together, they go, they didn't want me. They didn't want me.

Take it easy, Al. You are, your face is on currency. Like, you've made it in every, they didn't want me. Have you seen The Godfather? It's good. Yeah, you know. No, give it a chance. And then there's a second one.

We know. How? Let's not talk about the third. Yeah. What was that for you? I think I got, it's interesting because I was really interested. I loved comedy and I loved making my friends laugh, but I was not a class clown.

I didn't. And, you know, my parents are both very serious, like my dad's and kind of scientist and my mom's a lawyer and these are very bright people. And I, at some point I remembered very clearly in the fourth grade deciding I like being in plays. I like making people laugh. I was interested in show business. But I live in Brookline, Massachusetts, right on the line. There's no, no one goes into, I don't know anybody. Once, I think, Robert Urich came to town and someone saw him at a restaurant. That's as close as we ever, and I was eight miles away and heard about it.

That was as close as I ever got to show business. And so I thought, well, I can't do that. And that's not the kind of people we are. So I decided I was going to really, and this is not a sexy story at all, but I'm just going to grind it out and be a really good student. And I know this is like the, it's nobody's, this is not a heroic tale but i just went up in my room and memorized masturbated got my brillo pad yeah um and i i just grounded out and then uh got into a a like a top college and and got there thinking well i got there at harvard and i, okay, now I'm here and I'm going to just grind it out here because the comedy thing is just, that's a pipe dream. And what happens, I get there, I'm there like three days and someone says, my roommate said, I'm going by the Lampoon, the comedy magazine. I was like, oh yeah, I've heard about the Lampoon. He said, I'm going to go by and check it out. I said, I'll go with you. So I walked with him. We go to this very strange building and they say, okay, it's an intense competition to get in. You have to write all these funny pieces. Most people get cut. You know, a lot of freshmen don't make it. I'm a

first semester freshman, but I try and I keep making the cut and I keep getting more and more into it. And then they come to me one day and they say, you're in. And suddenly I'm 18 and this place is run by 22 year olds. And at that time, a 22 year old might as well be a 55 year old. I look up to these people. These are adults. And so I start, I just decide, okay, I'm giving this everything I have. And I kind of ran the place while I was in college. And as I was getting out of college, there was this pipeline that was starting where people in LA and New York, Saturday Night Live was saying, hey, we got Jim Downey for SNL. Is there anyone else that could be good at SNL? And Jim Downey would say, well, maybe George Meyer, maybe, you know. And so there was nothing available at SNL, but my writing partner and I came out here,

got a job at a show called Not Necessarily the News. And it's the same thing you were saying, Woody, you can't get a job in writing if you're not in the WGA. You can't be in the WGA if you don't have a writing job. And suddenly, and there was this show that said, we'll give you a writing job for a couple of weeks and if you make the cut you can stay and it got us into the wga and we got to stay for like two years and um the first thing i did on my first day was called the groundlings and say because i knew i wanted to get on stage and said i want to do improv and they said we're all full up but there's a class in midtown in hollywood on La Cienega. And it's at the Coronet Theater.

And a woman named Cynthia Seghetti teaches it. And you literally just put like a $20 bill into a bowl when you come in. And you take this improv class. And the first day I'm there, I meet another person who's just out of college, who's really funny. And she and I click right away. And she says, Hi, I'm Lisa Kudrow. And I go, Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien. And we become best friends.

And I start writing TV by day doing improv at night. And one thing starts to lead to another uh but it's always been fascinating to me that i went to this college specifically because i had kind of said that's not comedy's fun you don't make your living at it so that's why i decided to get serious and go to this college which immediately the second i get, dumps me into this track where I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, writing stuff and getting to perform some. And it was just, it was magical. How did you pay the rent, as it were, during those years? Well, we got a writing job right away. That paid the rent.

The writing would pay the rent, and we were getting scale, but Writers Guild scale, when you're 22 and it's your first job, is fantastic. And also, I had a $380 a month apartment on Cochran Street in Hollywood. It was rent-controlled.

And I drove a 1973 Plymouth Valiant that I had bought from some surfer dudes down in a very sketchy part of Venice Beach. And it was a car that when you turned it off, it's called dieseling. It goes. So if by chance I did get a date, I'd pick her up in this car that looks like a car that they drove on Dragnet. Yeah.

It's really just an old lady car, but it was kind of in good condition. And I thought this is cool and kind of a meta way. Right, ladies? No. But if I got a date and they would go somewhere with me, I'd be the suave guy that wanted to run around and get the door for them. The car would diesel and the girl would be like, is that a deal? Just leave it alone! Leave it alone!

In those early, early years, I was so hungry to get where I thought I needed to go. And I didn't even know where that was. So it's like a salmon doesn't know it's swimming upstream to spawn. It just knows it has to go against the current in this direction. That's all because there's some tiny piece of microscopic zinc in its brain that says, and that's how it felt to me. I was very very driven so there was i didn't sit around a lot thinking about am i gonna have a family the

healthiest way to do it because i feel sorry for people who just want to be famous as opposed to no i just have to and i don't even know why well that's the culture now because i run into i'm sure both of you have but i run into a lot of people over the years that have said um hey i want to talk to you about how you got to do what you get to do and i'd say well tell me you know do you write comedy do you like to perform no i'd be like oh well do you act no they just want to be And I used to I used to say. Back in the 80s and 90s. Well, no, you need to learn your craft and you have to keep working at it. And I we're not wrong. I still think it's not. You want to find the thing that you do that gives you a real feeling of satisfaction and joy. And I don't think taking selfies 10,000 times a day can give you that. Well, hold on.

Hold on. Does fame irritate you? Do you, how do you deal with everyone knows who you are kind of thing? Yeah, you know, it's funny. I have, I think I'm part Irish Boston politician because I'm around people that are, I have, it's not a choice.

I just am fortunate that I am very comfortable. And I think it does help to be tall or big. You're looking down on people. In every possible way, Woody. Looking down on those peasants. I wasn't even talking about height. I really just, no, I feel, when people come up to me and say,

hey, Conan, first of all, what's different is we should acknowledge that the two of you have made your careers being these other people. And I've never done that. I've done sketches where I'm someone else, but it's a cartoon. I'm not an actor. I don't even understand that process. So I'm just myself. So when I'm walking somewhere and someone says, hey, Conan, I go, yeah, what's up? And then they say, oh, I didn't expect to see you. And I say, well, I didn't expect to see you either. And they, whatever. And then I, what I have, I like to talk to people and I'm okay with it. And sometimes a little too okay with it.

Meaning there've had times where people got their selfie and they're ready to move on. And I asked them more questions and they say, I really have to go. It's like, you know, so I, I'm, I'm very much okay with it and I like to normalize it. Yeah. And I think the most normal thing to do is ask people about themselves and it doesn't have to be long, but just literally say like, oh, thanks a lot. And what's your name? Yeah. You know, my name's Bill. Bill's real. It's a pleasure to meet you. And it's real. It's just real. And I like them to know that the person they hear on the podcast

or saw over 30 years of clips, that that's me. That is me. It's no big deal. And I do think you have a responsibility to at least match their... Yes. I mean, if they're rude and assholes,

you can not. But I mean, if they're genuine people, you need to match their energy, their excitement, their appreciation. It's mirror what's being brought to you. And like I say, it is a very different thing. there's no one's, if someone's goes into a restaurant and Jack Nicholson's sitting there, Jack Nicholson has carefully curated this Jack Nicholson thing. Don't come up to me.

Yeah. And, and if they do go up to him and he says, fuck off, he's just made their day. They're like, Jack Nicholson just told me to fuck off.

Well, I'm not, I hate to break it to anybody. I'm not jack nicholson just told me to fuck off well i'm not i hate to break it to anybody i'm not jack nicholson they don't they don't they haven't seen me on like a 50 foot screen being an iconic character they i've literally been in their bedroom yeah and some of them say i watched you all through high school or college or medical school and you were on late at night and nothing was on and you were on and then you and then I didn't like you at first but I got used to you and I built up a tolerance and then there's this like oh this is but this is this is there's no way if I said hey fuck you uh it would be a betrayal of the whole thing.

And it's also not how I feel. I had to go make a speech at Cornell about oceans, which is something I do periodically. And I used to always start my ocean advocacy speeches with, I know it's strange that the guy who played Sam Malone is going to be talking to you about oceans. And I did this, I did this in Cornell. This was about five years ago. And I saw this total blank, you know, I played Sam Malone and people are looking at me and I went, okay, let me back up. up um in the latter half the past century i was on a show called cheers you know it's what you used to base your identity in a bad way but nevertheless you did

all of a sudden vanishes because people don't know about it was wonderfully in a good way humble is bring up the good place and then then you're like, so you need to keep, you know, it's You have to keep current. You keep resetting what you're known for. So, you know, it's funny how my whole identity for 30 years was that guy on television with the hair that looked like a dessert. And then suddenly I have young people coming up to me or even older people that looked like a dessert. And then suddenly, uh, uh, I have young people coming up to me or even older people that are like this podcast. I really love this podcast and I really enjoy it.

And then I find that there's some stuff on YouTube where you have a desk and you think, okay, I don't, that's okay. Whatever. It's all good. Yeah. As long as, uh, you know whatever it's all good yeah as long as uh you know it's they're still imbibing whatever they're still finding some value in what i'm doing just in a different way right plus you never go away now on the internet you can see everything anytime you want my early work in pornography i've seen it yeah i have seen it and i was impressed what do you what did you think we were both watching. That big bandage he had wrapped around it. That was rude. My nickname was Ace.

I was Ace. And people thought, then they saw why I was called Ace. They were all disappointed. He has a very average penis wrapped up in an Ace bandage. That's why he's called ace i prefer to leave it in a roll because it then i understand okay i understand i don't think we need to get into it i don't think we need to get into it yeah hey i i do have a segue oh that has nothing to do with what we just said is that a segue still no sure um anything is whatever we want it to be man i think you live this and you demonstrate it throughout this entire conversation and you demonstrate it when you're on air doing whatever you do but what is your guiding principle in life what what do you

hinge your kind of moral stance in life on oh wow he went he went there he went um but you're you're leading a purposeful life and you are there's a kindness i was gonna say acquire real estate uh but now that sounds hollow hang on to it and then only let it go when the price is very high. Um, uh, I, I will say I can't,

I have, uh, parents who are still with us at 94 and 91. And it was, um, paramount to them that we're be good people. And that was something that was sort of drilled into us. And I know that that can sound corny because I'm not always a good person. Nobody is. But I do think if when presented with a situation,

if I can discern what I think the right thing to do is, this is kind of a good place, you know, episode. But if I can discern what the kind of a thing that is probably the right thing to do is, I will not always, but more often than not not try to do that thing. And that's just not me. That is parents, uh, drilling stuff into me at an early age. And so, um, I, and, and, you know, people can say like, oh, that sounds really noble. But there's a side to it that's not noble, which is I think I hate the feeling I get when I've upset someone or hurt their feelings.

It really bothers me. And I think I hate that feeling. Or if I feel I sold someone out, I hate that feeling so much that it's sold someone out, I hate that feeling so much that it's pain avoidance. I'm working backwards from that. You know what I mean? So it's not like I am a great person.

It really is. I'm trying not to have that terrible feeling. I'm over the years. I remember once, I think I made a joke about Aaron Spelling. I said something kind of just derogatory about Aaron Spelling shows on my monologue. And a couple of days later, I got a letter and it was from Aaron Spelling. Hurt.

And he was hurt. And I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Yeah. And I don't know Aaron Spelling, but he basically just said, I really enjoy your show. And I was watching it with my family. And that really bummed me out.

And I was devastated. I mean, I felt terrible. Because I don't want to make somebody feel badly. Did you respond? I did. I wrote him a letter and apologized and said the truth which is i do a volume business i'm out there every night and i filled a name into a slot which is what i do and you got dinged and it's uh that, that's not an excuse, but that's what happened. Right. And didn't come from a personal place. And I'm really sorry that that happened. And I'm sorry that you saw it

because I know I apologize. That ended up called me so ecstatic. And then I got the impression, wait a minute, he's writing angry letters every day. I'm just the first guy. Because he was too happy. He was like, you wrote me back! You grand son of a bitch! You're the best ever! But anyway, it's working

backwards from, and I noticed it too in performance. I hate the feeling of being in front of people and they're not amused so much. It makes me sick to my stomach that if I find out there's an event I'm supposed to do, I prepare a lot and I ask a lot of questions and I try and think of things and I ask people, is this funny? Is that funny? And it's, you could say, well, that's very noble that you're so hardworking. No, it is avoidance of a bad, terrible feeling. I don't want that feeling. So I'm going to do these things to minimize my chances that I'll have them. Right. Hey, this is going to sound like a change of subject, but can we talk about aging and things that are diminishing? Actually, why don't you talk amongst yourselves while I go pee?

Oh, I see what he did there. I see what he did. That's well done. That was very well done. You and I can, you know, I feel like he's kind of dominated the conversation. Have you noticed that? I mean, to be honest with you, Woody, I came here to talk to you. Yeah. I told you, you destroyed it in Triangle of Sadness.

God bless you. Absolutely destroyed it. And you are, whenever you show up, one of my favorite movies, as I told you, is No Country for Old Men. And I loved you in that movie so much. And I talked specifically about that scene. So I was geeking out with you,

and then I find that fucking Ted Danson is part of this whole thing. Yeah. And my heart... That happens to all the guests. I see it. It's kind of the... He goes on and on about...

When I was speaking at Cornell about the ocean... Who signs up for that lecture? That's a real self-aggrandizing you know i care about the environment okay great i get it i get it there's the ocean's job to take care of the ocean i do you know if the ocean doesn't like all that plastic we throw in it it should expel it to the tides there's an order to things so i't know. I was looking forward to him urinating, and I could see him very uncomfortable for the last 20 minutes.

Because I think he's not just urinating, being honest with you right now. I think a lot's happening. Yeah, because of that whole earlier discussion. Yeah. But I'm just happy to have now, finally, it's two guys who can wear a similar vintage. Two, well, real men.

Real men. Oh. Here he is. No men. Real men. Oh. Here he is. No. Here he comes. But you know what? He's back. And you know what?

The oceans are sacred. And if we don't care for them. Oh, wait a minute. I mean, they are. If you think about it, without the oceans, it's all just one continent. But with oceans, suddenly we have continents. Yeah. Because they divide up the space of the land.

And that way we can, you know, war with each other and all the fun. Yeah. This is fascinating conversation. I'm sorry I missed it. No, no, no. I don't think it would interest you. We were discussing our passion for the ocean while you were urinating. But now, Woody, I mean, do you care about the world at all?

Because I'm curious. I'm going to drill down on Woody here for a second. Ted seems to care about things and think about more than himself. And you seem like someone who's just devoted your whole life to self-pleasure, just living in the moment, good times. And I demand. I think that sums it up pretty good. No, that's not true.

I know we shouldn't be doing it, but let me pick your brain about podcasts, right? Woody and I being new at this. Do you sit there and think, wait, I don't want my kids to hear me be this way or tell this story, or my mom and my dad, do you censor yourself? Not really. I don't, and I'll tell you, and this is going to sound like a joke, but it's not. My children have no interest in listening to my podcast. And I take that as a healthy sign. So they will never hear this because they care about themselves and their lives and they i am a figure you know like a sitcom dad is always a figure of ridicule i am a sitcom dad when i go home they're not interested i'll say something and there's a lot of eye rolling and yeah dad that's what it's called a

gif no it's gif you know whatever i'm the idiot there's a laugh track and my parents don't they don't consume podcasts at their age and so I don't send so much so you can say what you want

yeah I mean unless it's about spelling but you can no you don't want to insult him

no I feel badly about that. He made some good shows and then some other shows, you know, but whatever. He was a good man and who am I to say things? What do you do when you have a guest that's like pulling teeth? Because this has been a real challenge today for me and William, to be honest. I know. This is the most taxing challenge.

I am withholding. Holy God. What do you do with people, though? Seriously. I just start. It's so funny because we would, I learned this from years and years of doing the late night show. It hasn't really happened on the podcast

because on the podcast, you don't make as many. The real challenge was do a late night show, and I did end up doing like whatever it is, 4,000 hours of broadcasting, three guests a night, or sometimes not even music. challenge was do a late night show and i did ended up doing like whatever it is four thousand hours of broadcasting three guests a night or sometimes not even music sometimes three talk guests a night and you you do the math and you realize there's so many times i was out there with the seventh lead on a wb show that you've never heard of that lasted three months named Saz Bickler. And I'm like, here he is.

And he's 19. He's had no life experience. And he plays Chiz. So here, you all know us. He's Chiz on You Better Not. Saz Bickler. And he would come out. And he's just, you know, six weeks ago was working at whatever, polishing trays at Chipotle.

And now he's just, you know, six weeks ago was working at whatever, polishing trays at Chipotle. And now he's sitting there. And, yeah, sometimes lightning strikes and this kid has amazing things to say. But there's a lot of times where they've got absolutely nothing to say. And so I would just start talking. And fortunately, he had a sidekick. Andy Richter is really funny. And Andy would be sitting on the other side. And I'd be like, you know, Saz, it's funny because it says you worked at Chipotle.

Now, I was at Chipotle once. And I have to say, and then Andy would go like, oh, don't get me started on Chipotle. And we would go and Saz would be laughing and then the whole thing would be over and I'd say, Saz, fantastic. You know, oh, no, you better not. Check it out on the WB. And everyone would applaud. And then my producer afterwards would say, you know, you were worried about him.

I thought Saz did pretty well. And I'd say, Saz didn't say a fucking thing. He didn't say a fucking thing. Look at the fucking tape. It's me and Andy talking about Chipotle and big laughs. And Saz just giggling along. But sure enough, people would be like you know i saw sass he's a raconteur he's a real richard burton so i would do a lot of talking that's kind of on

cheers i used to think uh in the beginning oh it needs you need to have the funny line and then i realized no you don't need to be the one delivering the funny line. You need to stand next to the person who's doing the funny line and you'll come across great. And it's what I learned watching The Greats. I learned watching Jack Benny and Johnny Carson who learned it from Jack Benny and Jack Benny learned it from someone whose name we'll never know because they existed before it could be recorded.

Pre-podcast. Yeah, pre-podcast yeah pre-podcast um but uh uh i swear to god some of my best moments that people really love i'm reacting yeah by doing very little so someone next to me is telling being very inappropriate and the cameras on them and they're going on and on. And it's a, uh, a woman going on and on. And it's about this very sexual, sexy thing. And there's just a cut to me looking slightly constipated and that gets a huge reaction. Yeah. I didn't say anything. They just know. Yeah.

They're uptight Catholic. They know my part at a certain point and they know that. So yes, it's, uh, the person who, I think it was someone once noticed in a script that Jack Benny, who was the biggest star in radio in the 30s and 40s and then

a tv of 50s i mean massive star someone went through his script and said jack you don't have any of the laughs on tonight's show episode they went through and they looked at it and they said jack you don't have one laugh and he went my name's on the show. If the show is funny, who cares? And I always had that feeling that I love it when people would come on and Norm MacDonald and any of these iconic people would come on and destroy. My job is to get out of the way. Get the fuck out of the way.

I'm here tomorrow night. Get out of the way and only step in if I can be of help. What is your, oh, I can really unplug, where do you go with your family? You don't have to tell me the location, but do you get to go take your family and totally unplug?

Oh, yeah. You do. Yeah, I love to go. I mean, to be honest with you, as I said, like if I'm, you know i'm not uh michael jackson or taylor swift i'm one of those people who people see me and they recognize me and they say hello and more time very often say something nice to me and will want a selfie and I'm more than happy to do it. And then I'm at REI looking at the canoe like anyone else

and deciding whether or not I should buy it. I didn't. I don't need a canoe. But it was a wasted trip. But I should have decided that before I went to REI. But I really like, one of my favorite things to do is skiing. I love skiing because I just love being outside. And so I love to go skiing. And also, as you know, when you're skiing,

like you're just, no one cares. When you're skiing, no one cares. Do you know what I mean? They're like, oh, Conan's in line with us. And you got goggles and maybe that's Conan, maybe it's not. No, my goggles say I am Conan. I had them made. Right across the top.

Yeah, I get very, if I'm not recognized, I get very ornery. So all my clothing makes it very clear. I'll tell you one thing I don't tell anybody, which is I do have a motorcycle, which I've had for years. And I just ride it like on back roads away from people. And I love that. And I have I'm super try to be very safe about it, but I just stay away from, you know, I like to get outside Los Angeles and drive places where there aren't a lot of cars. You don't ride it in the city.

No, I don't drive in the city. It's weird. I ride a bike in the city, like a bicycle. Yeah. Oh, really? But I don't, I don't know. I don't, I just feel like I'm, you know, it's too, I don't know. I've just not, I've decided I like back roads.

I like taking it way out. Did you ever drive up to Ojai? I have back roads. I like taking it way out. Did you ever drive up to Ojai? I have. Yeah. Did you ever go to my friend's, Guy Webster's bike museum? No. Yeah. I haven't.

Is that in Ojai? Yeah. Was, was. He passed away, but he had the Italian race bike collection. Oh, wow. To end all collections. No, I've done that trip over the hill i love going up that pass yeah casitas pass yeah and then you come down the other side and it's very freeing

to to to do that and there's a kind of anonymity and also a kind of feeling like well if i have a credit card i could i could keep going and it's that it's that sort of jack kerouac I could keep going. And it's that, it's that sort of Jack Kerouac. I could keep going and I could find a, you know, motel somewhere. I love that. I did a big drive, not on a motorcycle, but in a, in a truck. I did a big drive two weeks ago and I went up the five and I pulled into a truck stop and I stayed at an inn that's right there on the truck stop. And I asked them, is there any place I could get a bite to eat? And they said, yeah, there's a restaurant right in there. So I went in and I sat at the bar because I'm alone. And all these guys came over and sat next to me and they all work in agriculture. And they were all like, you know, at first they were asking me, why are you here?

Yeah, yeah. And I said, this is my hangout spot, which it wasn't. But I said, I love it here. I love this truck stop. But I hung out there. What made you say, okay, I'm going to get a room. But I wanted to get, I had a destination up in San Francisco, but I wanted to get, uh, uh, I had a destination, uh, up in San Francisco, but I wanted to stop halfway. I didn't want to do the whole drive. And so I just kind of halfway said, Hey, there's a

truck stop. And I pulled in and cause I saw that there was a, what looked like, uh, it looked like a Spanish mission, but it had been built to look like a Spanish mission in 1962. That's what it looked like. And, um, I don't know, hung out, ended up talking to all these people and then really got into this conversation about water usage and like what they're worried about, which is why does LA get all the water? We want the water. And I was listening to them and we had a really great conversation. And then I said, guys, I got to go. And they're like, you got to speak for us, Conan. Speak for us.

I said, I'm not a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a comedian. No one's going to care what I say about water usage in the Central Valley. But. And besides, you think ag takes too much water. You can say it. Well, yeah, I wish you were there. You know, I wish you were there with me. Yeah.

No, but i am here's what i am you remember them uh i become whatever i am so if i'm with a group of people saying you know we gotta save water i'm like you bet we do i mean we gotta keep the water here you bet we do fellas this is my two cents i think your guiding principle is to be kind. I think you're one of the kindest people I've ever met. Oh, Jesus. And it comes across even when you're, you know, doing comedy and all over the place. You really are a kind gentleman.

And I think that's really cool. That's a nice thing to say. That's true. Now I feel like I have to live up to that and I won't. Like, I always think that's a thing you put on people and then they're like, I mean, there's going to be a photograph of me slapping a nun tomorrow. It is a conversation, Andrew. I'm sorry. Well, I'm thrilled. I have to say everyone here in the building,

and I say this with great annoyance, gets all excited. Ted and Woody are coming. And then I open up the refrigerator here at my company and there's three shelves of the refrigerator that say, for Ted and Woody, special yogurts,

weird fruits I've never heard of, a book in the refrigerator about oceans. It has to be kept at 44 degrees. But no, you guys, it is not a task to sit down with you guys and shoot the shit. It's a real joy.

It's really fun. Good. And I'm just, I'm happy you guys know who I am. Seriously, that's the place I'm coming from. We know who our boss is, that's for sure. Yeah, that's right. Sit up straight, hippie. It really has been.

And no more flip flops. What is with these chairs? But anyway, it really has been a pleasure. I can't, it just naturally. You are the most relaxed looking human being I've ever seen in my life. Many thanks to Conan for making our day. And don't forget to watch his new show, Conan O'Brien Must Go. All four episodes are out now on the Mac streaming service.

That's it for this episode. Thank you, Woody. And special thanks to our friends at Team Coco. If you enjoy this episode, please send it to someone you love. Subscribe to our feed and leave us a five-star Apple podcast rating if you're feeling extra nice. We'll have more for you next week, where everybody knows your name. You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Liao.

Executive producers are Adam Sachs, Colin Anderson, Jeff Ross, and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer. Our senior producer is Matt Apodaca. Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Graal. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Gann, Mary Steenburgen, and John Osborne. Special thanks to Willie Navarie.

We'll have more for you next time, where everybody knows your name. Consumer Cellular offers the same fast, reliable nationwide coverage without the big wireless cost. Freedom calls. Sign up with Consumer Cellular at ConsumerCellular.com slash TED50 and use promo code TED50 to save $50. Terms and conditions apply.