Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (sometimes) - Joel McHale

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

This week actor and comedian Joel McHale talks to Ted Danson about his love of swords, his respect for fart jokes, growing up in Washington State, his experience hosting “The Soup,” sports cars, and more. The fifth season of Animal Control premieres September 27 at 8:30pm on FOX. Like watching your podcasts? Visit https://youtube.com/teamcoco to see full episodes. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A little bit of a bore, Joel, a little bit of a bore because you come out. We don't use that word now. Welcome back to where everybody knows your name. Joel McHale is a leading man in every sense of the word. Kind of an alpha male, actually, and you know how I feel about them. They suck. All right. I'm jealous because he's insanely talented, handsome.

You know him from community, the soup, and so much more. Joel stars in the fifth season of Animal Control, which premieres on September 27th on Fox. Just an all-around great guy, and I am very grateful that he made the trip to be here with me after doing Conan's show yesterday. Leftovers, but never mind, never mind. Joel McHale. Woody Harrelson sometimes. You saw the sometimes. That's pretty good.

I assume he's out. Yeah, making movies, seeing the world, inhaling the world. Yes. inhaling all the weed he can find. Except when he works. I was terrified to do this with him because I thought, oh, God, I'm going to have to be stoned every morning when we do them.

No, he doesn't. He doesn't? No. Oh, he puts out the, uh, he puts out that front. Yeah, because shortly after, he lights up, so I'm sure, you know. Does that part of a paleo diet, weed, guys? I know you drink. Like a fish.

Like a fish. Do you smoke ever? I don't. Never did? I never was a smoker. I had to smoke through movies and things. How about, are we talking about tobacco or weed? I'm talking about weed.

Oh, no, I never really was. Because it didn't. It didn't hit me the way that it hit everybody else. Yeah. I think it was my Irish or Norwegian. It wasn't like a moral choice. Oh, I think people who smoke weed should be executed. But every one of them.

Hello. But, no, it was more, I tried gummies one time to help me sleep. That was a terrible night. That was a night of spinning. I was like, this is a horrible thing. Yeah, yeah. This is not helping me sleep. It winds your mind up.

It's not. That's why. I take gummies now, but they're all melatonin. No weed at all. No. Does the melatonin work? Yeah. All right.

I mean, it did for me. I just stick to Ambien. Hardcore. That stuff works great. Drinking an ambi. Oh, yeah. Crush it up. I think this is the most now that we've spoken to each other.

This is. It is. Because there's airplanes? There's airplanes. There's several airplanes. France. Once. Wait.

Shit. Where were we? We were in, what do you call it? That little, it's part of France, but it's not France. You know, for that television festival. Oh, oh, right. Monaco. Yes, you're right.

Very good. Monaco. Monaco, yes, Monaco. Was I Must have been CSI It must have been And I was Probably

I think mine must It was It was community Yeah And then I met you Which is a great show God bless you For remembering

No no no No Gary Foster You remember Gary Foster He was He's a good friend And so I would Tell Gary hello

I will Yeah that was I remember first meeting you And I was like You gave me a trick You were like You kind of laugh a little bit while you smile.

You're like... Oh, for photos. If you're laughing, every photo works. Yeah. And yours was good. But then when I would do it, my wife would be like, you sound like a serial killer.

No, sir, I have that because total strangers on the street because I can't stop myself. Well, here we go. And they're like, we're going to be murdered right here. I'm going to be murdered by Ted Danson.

Right here. I also have a generic little chuckle, which means, I hear you, boy am I on your side? It fits everything. So if somebody goes, hey, Ted,

I go, hey, hey. Hey, hey. And it just means, oh, yeah. How are you? Yeah.

All right. Wish I could stay and talk. And then do you, then the person goes, no, no, I need to talk to you. No. Okay.

I think they're freaked out by my, Hey, Hey. Like, do you ever see the movie Smile? No. It's a horror film. Where? I don't do horror films.

You should, it's great. Yeah. Smile's really good. I mean, if you want to be freaked out. Like maybe turn it on at 10 o'clock, all the lights out. Do you ever, have you been in a horror film? Creep show. The first creep show.

Does Creepfield count as a horror? No. What is that? It's Stephen King. Hybrid. Yeah. Well, it was. Yeah.

You think that was good horror? Yeah. You're right. It's not horror. It's, what is Stephen King? I got buried up to my head in the sand and killed for my infidelity and then walked around like a dead zombie in the film. So, yeah, close. 1980.

Two? 80. 80. Yeah. With. George Romero was in it. I mean, directed it. And, uh,

Dan Aykroyd's in that? No, but close. Also, can he was in Twilight Zone. Yeah, shit. Who did airplane? Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Nielsen. Sorry, Leslie.

Genius. Genius who had just when I was making the film with him discovered a handheld bellows fart machine. Famously. Yeah. I mean, shamelessly, too. We sat once we were put on the plane first in first class. And everyone came by us. fill up the plane. Every third person, he farted to the point where we are asked to get off the

airplane. Wow. Stewardess, yes. We didn't. He stopped, but he was relentless. Good for him. Yeah. That's a commitment to a bit. Yeah. God bless him. God rest his soul. Can I just jump around a lot? That's what, as you can see, that's what I love doing. Coming up the stairs yesterday, you were, was it yesterday? Yesterday you were on Conan. And he said, look what, Look what Joel gave me. Mm-hmm. And he had this cane, this walking stick kind of beautiful thing.

And he out came a sword. Yeah. Yeah. Just in case. Weaponry is kind of a fascination. I do love weapons. I love edged weapons. Edged weapons.

Yes. More than powder and ball. More than guns. Yeah. Yeah, because, you know, as a child, what is a child? As a child, as you know, I was a professional sword fighter, a mercenary for the Norman army. No, I always have been obsessed with them.

I've always liked knives. From pocket knives on up kind of thing? Yeah, I got swords. I like automatic knives and switch blades. Switch blades. They are. I got drawers of them. And my wife is, I always had them out when the kids were growing up.

And she's like, you know, you're going to put those, they're not going to be safe. And then one kid did grab the blade of a samurai sword and cut his fingers. And then I was like, well, he's never going to do that again. And so that one was under my bed. So I was like, well, we had it under the, there is still one under my bed just in case. Because if we get home invaded or something, then it's going to be Pirates of Pan's ants all over the place. You probably have too many, though, because you'll probably go, oh, which one? Yeah.

I'll be killed while I'm deciding. Making choice. Oh, should I go at the Cemetery? Or, yeah. So I, yes, I've always loved them. And I don't, it's a prize. And so then it became a tradition that when I would see Conan, I should have brought you one. I did, because if I brought you a knife or something, it might be freaky.

But now. But now. I'm bringing you a knife next time. Maybe a brass knuckle. Man, I love my pocket knives. You do. Do you have one on you now? Not now. I don't anymore.

But growing up, carving was my outlet if I wasn't doing other things. I would sit there and carve and whittle. It was a big deal. And my father said, you keep this sharp because a dull knife is way more dangerous. Oh. How? Because your effort to make the cut you want on the wood. And then, which happened to me once with my best friend, Raymond, who was Hopi.

And we were sitting on this huge dog house that we had for our dog outside, but you could sit on the roof of it. It was that big. He was sitting next to me. We were both whittling, and his got stuck in a knot, and he went like this, and the point of the knife went into my head right here. He was, you know, horrified, took his hand off, and the knife went like this. And then fell out.

I thought he'd hit me with his knuckle or something. So I said, oh, quit messing around, and he was just staring at this. night going like this stuck in your head yeah did it bleed no it puckered blood and that was it did anybody get in trouble no no you didn't you didn't sit next to him while we were whittling ever again but yeah this is in your early 30s yep yeah it makes a lot of sense where'd you grow up uh Seattle mercer island Washington so island it's an island but small island no it's the longest the longest the longest highway in America goes right through it. So it's, I-90 goes right through it. So it's not like it's remote. So it doesn't, the I-90 doesn't go and stop there. It goes straight through.

It goes straight through. So you can be, you can be in downtown Mercer Island and be in downtown Seattle in five minutes. Oh. So not really island line. Oh. No, but you'd be, I'm sure you've experienced, but you'd be, I'm amazed still how many of my friends remained in. my hometown and are still there on the island. I'm like, okay, yeah, my parents still there. So. When did you know you got to go? I'm when I was about four. They threw me out because I stabbed them.

No. When did I know that I knew that, I knew, well, I didn't go away for school. I went to the University of Washington, go dogs. So that's right near my hometown. Right. So you went to high school. I went to high school there and then college and then got married there and then went to graduate school at the University of Washington for acting and entertaining. And then, but I was on a TV show in Seattle called Almost Live, which I don't know if you've ever heard of.

That's where you'd have heard of Bill Nye who he came out of that show. And I, but I was like, I think I need to, if I'm going to do this acting, thing. I got to get good at it and I can't live in Seattle. So. When you say you got married that, Sarah? Yes. Yes. Yes. Wow. Good. Wow. Research. Thank you. 30 years. Actually, when I do research, the only thing I really look for is the person's wife or husband. Really, because from there on, you're good. Yeah. And she's going to, she's going to, she literally be like, Ted Dantz and knew my name. I'm like, yep. And the 30 years part. Yeah. Because I heard that I'm Conan. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Wait, you've heard. That's smart. Very smart. Yeah. Been together since. 93 was our first date. And you've been with married. No, 93.

Mm. Was our, you know, first date. Fell in love, boom, thing. Yeah. And then married in 95. 95. And you, 90.

96. Yeah. So, look, 31 years married, you've been married now? Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Look at us. Yeah.

It is a man. We've both been married once before, so we got over the bumps and the most of them, you know. Yeah. I had grown up a great deal by the time I saw her. Were you a maniac before that? A hot mess. Really? Yeah. On Cheers, you were maniac?

Hot mess. Wow. Yeah. Unexamined emotionally. Oh, I'm still there. Liar, all of those things. Really? Yeah.

You never have come off that way. Good liar. All right. No. I'm painting it a little dark to be cool, but dark, yeah. But, yeah. I grew up shortly before I met her. I went, okay, got to stop being an asshole or a liar or being emotionally immature.

Okay. And worked on myself. How did you do that? Therapy. All right, yeah. A mentor, clinics. I did the whole smear to say to stop being. And it worked.

Wow. I worked, you know, so that I... Did you join a cult or anything? Yes. Actually, I'm not afraid of cults. A good cult is a... There's some bad ones. The ones that are like, we're all gonna...

I love S. Was Ested way before your time it was? E-S-T-S. I had a lot of uncles and aunts in Est. Yes, because it was a West Coast startup, actually. Yeah, I was a kid. And then Est became... something softer and gentler.

Like the foundation or the power. Yeah. Can you guys look up what est is now? Landmark. Landmark. Yeah. Yeah. Now known as the landmark forum.

Forum. Yeah. So gentler kind of. I did the hardcore. Yeah. That's, you were like, I want,

I need some rules. I needed to get the joke in life. And I have to say, I got the joke of life. That's, the est was about the joke, like they were like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. In essence, you know, Life ain't doing it to you. You're doing it. It's kind of the joke in life. It didn't seem like they had the greatest sense of humor,

but maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, the presentation wasn't, ha-ha. But what everyone walked away with, that's where they won't let you go to the bathroom. Right. Yeah. And did you? No, no one ever wet their pants in S.

That would have been a good time for the far machine. And be like, hmm. Does your family, have you taught your kids well they're old now but growing up that farts were funny I feel that the fart is

the greatest possibly evidence of God because people was like no the beautiful mountains I'm not no farts it's the first joke it's the first joke it's a test to see if a human being is an actual human being

and so and it's inherently funny no matter what We have some friends who say they have never farted in front of their spouse, and I just am like, what? That's an alien. That's, they should be stopped. Or they're lying. There, that is such a lie.

Yeah. I had heard of, yeah, we knew, we had a friend who did not, she didn't fart in front of her husband for like the first year. And I was like, how do you, how would that, how do you do that? I think that was the first thing I did when I met Sarah. I made sure. I just let one fly. I've somehow trained my body to be odorless. Really?

Very audible, but odorless. Hmm. Yeah. How? Is this the... To be honest, I don't know, but it is happened. The paleo dietic did this? You would think not because it's, you know, you eat a lot of protein.

And usually meat is a good source of farts. It kicks things off. All right. Yeah. Woody Harrell says. Listen, let's talk, let's talk trash. Do you know Woody? I don't know him, but I am a gigantic fan.

Yeah, me too. He's an amazing actor, but let's talk track. Great. He became vegetarian during cheers years, and his farts were just astoundingly horrible. And he would come up to me, and is either during rehearsal or whispering during setups in front of an audience even and go, hey, I just need to talk to you about something. And I was because I hated and admired him so much, I would always stop and go, oh, wow, he really wants to share something I'm doing. He getting in close and look at me and he goes, so anyway.

And what he was doing, he had farted quietly. And he was waiting for the smell to hit my nose to watch my eyes turn. God bless. Like a killer, you know. Yeah, that's, I admire that. Yeah. And taking the time to do it. Yeah.

God bless him. What do you mean you hated him and admired him? Not hated. He was like a, I didn't have a brother growing up. And I was, I was trying to be nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I was trained to be nice and kind and sensitive and all that stuff. That would he was the opposite of that. And I got to have a younger, older brother and who I could compete with. But in a brotherly way. Yeah. That there's a, you have a safe word in a way. It was part. It was fine.

It was just a smell. Well, and then, you know, I mean, the show, the show fucking, I mean, it was one of the greatest shows on, you know, from the greatest shows on television. Community wasn't too bad either, man, my friend. I agree. It's better than cheers, guys. Hey. Why are they, your producers are a great? How's your ego as an actor?

Do you think you're a good actor? you take... No, I'm one of the worst. No, seriously. I know. Because you put that self-deprecating thing off, but you are good. You're very good. I...

But this is where I need to go to therapy is that I get... I can get in my head like nobody's business. And you can ask my... You can ask people I work with. I have to read this one thing. Oh, shit. Ask Vela Lavelle. I don't have...

I know. It was like your character is something about... Gosh, darn it. Wait, which from community? Or from... No, no. Oh, from this. I don't have it.

I do have it. Okay. You did... You're doing... For somebody of your stature and legend, you've done way too much work. No, there are 20 people who prepared this for me. Oh, okay.

And then I come in and do that, you know, rip it up, throw it off like I know everything. Like that. Okay, but this just was very cool. All right. So you play Frank Shaw, a bitter and cynical senior animal control officer. He was a cop who was fired from the force after discovering evidence of corruption in the precinct. Yada yada.

He is sarcastic and quick-witted, prone to making caustic remarks about his coworkers. Later episodes reveal that much of his behavior is bravado and he's actually very depressed and self-conscious. Yes. Anything there?

That could just be, yeah, just replace that with my name and then we're pretty good. Wait, come on. You have to have incredible self-confidence. to be self-deprecating you need, because you can't be self-deprecating if you really think you're a jerk

or talentless or anything. You can't do it. You can't afford to do it. But it really sounds true if I'm like self-deprecating and then I actually don't. I do the same thing. Self-that, you do make people work hard.

It's a little bit of a, a little bit of a bore, Joel, a little bit of a bore because you come out. We don't use that word now. You, it's not false humility. Mine's kind of a false humility. humility because I really yeah no I wouldn't I have false humility up the wazoo I make I force people to give me a compliment for you you I've already well your hair is spectacular you know that when you were

God given that hair which is incredible but uh don't you think you have but do you when you walk under a room do you go like yeah I'm the greatest no yeah so you do have real terrified terrified terrified no I'm not horrified what am I I am I I am I I'm just sure shy tongue-tied, don't know what to say. I would never hang out with you, by the way, without a microphone in front of us. What would we have to talk about? Yes, because I'm a bore. I'm white bread.

I'm bland. I remember on the plane, once I saw when you and Mary were sitting as to each other now, and I was like, what do you been up to? And you were like, I've been baking. And I was like, oh, that's so great. What have you been baking? And you were like, muffins. And I was like, how are, how are they? And you were like, pretty good.

They were pretty good muffins. Here's the secret to a joyful life. Set your standards real low. Yes. Very low. And then don't be afraid of shallow. Shallow's a good thing. Yes.

There's, don't, yeah, if you want to, if the second you go, I'm going to sound smart here. Yeah. You're fucked. There's only a few people that are really smart And then can be smart And you're like, yeah That's why we went into entertainment I can't even play smart

I think you play smart I play smart I play Paul You were super I was like look at this intellectual He'll never get into any trouble Buried up to his neck See I look at your career

And what you're doing And you're doing everything that comes your way That tickles your fancy I'm assuming It has to tickle you It, yes, definitely. I still can't believe to this day that people are paying me money to do silly things. I still can't believe it.

Why do you think they do? Come on. Well, see, this is me poking yourself. Okay, no, I know that I'm good at it. Okay, thank you. And I'm not an asshole on set, so that helps. It does. Oh.

Yeah. I have gone so far by being a nice guy. Yeah. Is he talented? He's a nice guy. That goes a long way. Yes. And there are many examples throughout the history of entertainment of people.

Like, well, I don't want to work with that person. And then I was like, nobody does. And then they stop working. Yeah. Unless they're. Okay. Keep going. So it tickles you.

Yeah. I still, I was always like, the real job police will come to take me away someday. But until then, I'm going to run. Someone's going to give me the ball. I'm going to run until I, until somebody takes my legs out from under me. it feels like you work nonstop. Well, again, I agree to a lot. But yes, my goal is to never stop.

Because it tickles your fancy and you're having fun. I am, yes, but there are times when I'm like, are you having fun? Is it work? And then I'll go back and look at bloopers. And I'll be like, okay. See, that's the, that's the attitude that you got like, just playing and having fun.

And that I agree. So I do have a shit ton of fun. but after, you know, a lot of self-loathing leading right up to that. It's a great way to operate. Ask all, ask any of my friends. How come you not into drugs with all that self-loathing? Well, wine. Wine, okay.

I like wine, but I steered into exercise. Yeah, I was about to say, how are you? I'm 54. Yeah, that pumped and jacked at 54 is not that attractive. in a man. I have to just study it. It is not. Well, when you wear a shirt that's made for a child, then everything pops out, you know? I was the kid, my body's just weird. I was born without a pectoralis major on the right side. Really? Yeah, freaky. But my girl cousin, luckily, she had glands that covered it up, but it had the same thing. It's a genetic thing. I was born without a chest muscle.

Wow. And I was at 13 or 14. I was six foot and weighed 120. Very, very frighteningly thin. And so people say, hey, let's go swimming. And I go, oh, shit, this sounds fun, but I blew my knee out. And I can't, I can't swim. So I would never take my shirt off. No, no.

I was never, ever paid to be sexy. I was paid to make great jokes about being sexy. In body, you were pretty sexy. No, that was Bill Hurd. He was the blonde. I was the, no. You are, I, do we not? See, I'm doing it. Sexy leading man for decades.

See, I'm doing what I'm talking about. See, you're doing, yeah. False humility, and I got some nice stuff back. See, there you go. Thanks, right back in. Thank you. But I don't feel that way. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, which I, assume you do as well with your doubts.

You go, okay, this is, I'm not going to make money that way. I've complained so much to my wife that she's, and I'm like, oh, I'm just complaining about the same things for years. And then she's like, uh-huh, okay. Mary takes it up a step. She makes it so unworth my while to be depressed or freaked out about stupid things. She's just, you know, whoops me on the side of the head verbally. And it's like, oh, okay, all right.

She'll take it for a day, day and a half. And then it's like, you are so boring. You do this every time you start a job. That's what, yeah, that's, yeah. And sometimes I'll be freaked out and I'll be driving my fucking Porsche. And I'll be like, I'm in a Porsche. I'm driving a sport. I'm driving a car of my dreams.

What the hell's wrong with you? You idiot? Yeah. Complaining. Or I have recently I've had this thought as one age is, this is your life, Ted. You know, whatever your philosophy is, this is the moment for you to enjoy your life.

And you want to sit there and be moaning about, no, no. No, no. This is why, see, I don't go to therapy, which I should. Oof. But whenever I go to therapy, I'm like, I got, I don't have time for this. I got this other job I got to do. And yeah. But you got family that keeps you straight, I would imagine.

A lot, well, yeah, my wife is a freaking saint and a real adult. How old were you when you guys got married? You were 20, what? 24. See, that's pretty rare, I think. Not everybody, not every marriage works because not even if people are fucking up in a bad way, but just people change. Yeah. That's a lot.

Yeah. We. Good on you. I mean, you've all, I mean, you've, yeah, you kind of, you grew up together. Yeah. Or some people don't. I mean. Yeah.

Or they're, yeah. Yeah. But don't you think, I think the divorce rate is the same. It's about the same as every. Like, it's the same, like, average of divorce. If you married late or early, you mean? Like people over there are like, entertainment business. Yeah, I guess I'm slightly changing the, but they were like, the entertainment business.

It's so, like, how do you stay married and all that? I'm like, I don't know. Most of the people I know have stayed married. It's just the, it's just the once in a while, one divorce will get. a million articles about it and everyone thinks that everyone's crazy.

Press, take loves the shitty stuff. They love, yeah. And I'm like, I feel like, I mean, you're like,

I don't know, I got a bunch of friends that are lawyers. And I was like, you guys seem to all be getting divorced all the time. And so, yeah,

so people like, I don't know how you do in Hollywood. I'm like, I don't know. The rate is about the same in Seattle. Yeah.

I guess a bunch of tech bros are always getting divorced, but I don't know. Yeah, but we were, were married young. And because I knew when I met her, I was like, oh, man. Yeah. I got a hold on the, I got, I was like, this is the, I got the, I got the best one. Were your parents married forever or any divorce or whatever? No, they were married. My dad was seven, continues to be seven years older than my mom.

So, uh, they're both alive? They're both alive, yeah. Are they having a great hoot out of what you're doing in the world? Uh, well, I'll get the, uh, the, uh, the sometimes they'll be, like, hey, oh, that was good. Oh, they're like, that was good. Oh, no, that was like, oh, that was, yes. Yeah, like, I was like, what about all this other stuff? That was fun. I haven't seen that.

But, yeah, they get. My wife kind of does that too, where she's like, oh, no, that was funny. And like, that thing you did. That, that was funny. My family who love me unconditionally, they're so sweet and they love Mary, but they vote. Not necessarily always blatantly. I've had to educate them. You know, we worked very hard for a long time on this, you know.

And so we need an atta boy or an atta girl, not a scientific peer review of our work. Yeah. My dad used to always go, must be nice. And I'd be like, it is. It is nice. Yeah, it's nice. And I remember when we bought this big house. And my dad was like, you're going to get all ritzy now?

And I'm like, I always, I always was, dad. I was, I was ritzy the day I was born, dad. Yeah, I like this shit. I like all this. Dear brothers, sisters? Two brothers. Older? Both and younger.

Oh, wow, wow. So, yeah. How do you sit with them, your fame, your success? Well, they've gotten a lot of free dinners out of it. Oh, you'll pay for that. Oh, yeah. A nougie coming your way. They're very supportive.

One's an Episcopal priest and the other's an electrician. So we, I guess you could say we're all kinds of different three types of different entertainers. But one of the, like I ask, my older brother was like, how to go today? And he'd be like, well, didn't blow myself up, so that's good. And I was like, yeah, that's high flying. That's high flying performing when you're dealing with electricity. Did you know anything about electricity? No, nothing.

I so admire anybody who can do that. Yeah, he'll come in my house and he'll look. He'll be like, you know, you don't have to do that. You can just do this. And I was like, well, you do it? And then he does it. Sometimes stupid fantasy, but wonder, you know, if I went back in time and could describe what's going on, you know, and become this self, you know, this genius amongst these people in the 1200s.

And then I would try to describe it. drive a light bulb, be like, fuck, I don't know. And then they'd be like, great, make it for us. Well, I think there's a key and a kite involved. And we got to get the... How about engines, no? Like, Porsche engines? Oh, no, I know nothing about it.

I know all my friends who are Porsche heads also. They know all that, but I'm like, I don't know how it works. I just know when I know how to turn it on. And then, boy, it really goes once you. hit that pedal. Somebody ruined Porsche's for me, and I need to get over it. Can I confess to you? Yes.

It's not Woody Harrelson, like, dropped a huge fart. No, Woody doesn't drive. He doesn't drive? He's driven. He rides his bike. He rides his motors. That only go. Okay, so wait, Porsches were ruined for you.

Yeah, because somebody said, who I respected, but in hindsight, whatever. He said, when I see a Porsche on. owner, they have to prove to me that they're not a dick. Hmm. I, I, I, I, yes, I will, I am happy to have that challenge every time. I will, what, but I mean, is this sound like, not stupid, but like, if you ever heard of people having a prejudice against Porsches, it's probably because not everyone can afford it. Yeah.

It's probably, New York City is where this happened. Somebody said that to me in New York City when I was young. And that you were like, oh. Yeah, maybe so. Because I couldn't afford one. It's interesting with Porsche because you can see a Porsche that's worth 60,000 or 70,000. And then that same shaped car will be a million dollars. So that was one of the reasons why I liked Porsche's because it's a little more subtle than some of the other supercars.

But as far as machinery, it's brilliant. that's why it is. Yeah, it's, because everyone's chasing them. Yeah. And like the people at Ferrari would probably be very, yes,

the people of Ferrari who are listening to this podcast. I'm big fan, by the way, Ferrari. Oh, you're crazy and you just did it. Is there a way? I'd love to have one,

borrow a couple for years. But yes, I agree. Like, when you drive a flashy car, it's noticeable. But you can do, there's a lot of different cars.

The only thing I have, Those Rivian owners, am I right? That's me. I know. You saw it? I saw it. Yes. We am a Rivian as well.

We love it. They're pretty cool. They're great. Here's my thing about cars is if I, I can't be afraid to have a dent or a scratch or a ding because I get them all the time. I put them into my car all the time. So if I had a Porsche, I would be, I'd be heart sick. First off, probably it costs a lot to get it out. But it's this beautiful thing.

So I got to have something I can't. Well, I know a guy that can get those out for a deal. His name's Frankie. He's great. Does he do leather too? Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, he'll, he'll, any stains in that thing that Woody Helson leaves there will be, can be buffed out. But what's the fanciest car? Did you ever drive a fancy car?

Yeah, yeah, of course. A, I'm trying to see if I can fawn this off on my second wife. Nah. It was me too. It was a Mercedes convertible. So, first year of Cheers. Yeah.

Yeah. Red. And you were like, stupid color in L.A. I mean, yeah, that's, it's like, pull me over and give me a ticket quick. Yeah.

And you had the top down. Yeah. So then it was like, there's Ted Dansen driving a red Mercedes. Pretty good. I mean, yeah. Flash, show it off. Yeah.

Stupid. It was stupid because of the number of tickets. No. That car's probably in the Peterson right now. I painted it black. Did you really? Yes, I did. For real.

And no more tickets. That's pretty good, that's... I remember you saying in an interview, this is going way back. Dwayne Cheers had become what it has, when it was the white-hot supernova of a hit, I remember you saying the conversation between the cast really changed because people were talking about it. who has the best personal chef. And I was like, oh, that is a good fucking problem.

That is a good, yeah. Let me clarify, personal chefs don't work if you have a family. I think we had a chef for like when Mary and I got together and we had four teenagers all at the same time, we thought, ooh, we need help. This will. And it doesn't work because every one of them calls up five minutes before dinner and goes, hey, I'm over at so-and-so is having dinner.

So all we did was have someone. prepare leftovers for us. And so that didn't last. I'm trying to say that we're regular folks. Yeah, regular folks who are wildly successful with hundreds of millions of dollars. It's fine. So many people just turned us off. Thanks, Joel.

It's great. I remember when people like, I remember Howard Stern asking David Spade, he's like, did you ever not want to be famous? and he's like, I don't want to go back. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I get it. No, that's a weird. No, I love fame. I love my fame.

Yeah, my fame is kind of good because it's not sexy or me being, you know, a manly man. No, no, no, no, but all right. No, I make you laugh. I don't turn you on. I make you laugh. You're like, I'm very turned on right now.

See, once again, I did it. Thank God I'm sitting. Thank you. Did you bring me a weapon? I was born without the right side of my penis, though. So it's a disorder that I think, yeah, when I went swimming, I was always like, I'm not wearing my speedo today. When I sit down with people like you and specifically you today, I thought, Ted, Ted, don't try to run with the bulls. Do not try to be banter. Don't banter with Joel. Says one of the famous, most famous comedians in history.

No, no, that, all right, now, all right, you just lost me, motherfucker. All those compliments now mean nothing because I'm not a comedian. Well, comedic actor. Okay, but that means, comedic actor means you have funny material to do. No, I was like comedian, I mean, meant like in the tragedy and comedy, classic masks of, you've literally built an entire career, I mean, a legendary career on a, one of the funniest characters of all time. Do you think I'm a national treasure?

I think you're an international treasure. I met you in Monaco. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, by the way, that's international. That's a good gig, isn't it? That's a good gig. Yeah.

They didn't invite me back after that. Can I do a quick Monaco story? Yes. You go there, and if you're a woman, they give you jewelry to wear for the event, and then you give it back, but it's a way to show off jewelry. Right. Mary went to the big event with Prince and everybody. We all did that.

And she was wearing a craplode, probably, you know, $300,000 a jury. And the event's over and she turns to the jewelry person and says, well, what do I do? And the jewelry person said, oh, just leave it on your bureau at night and we'll come get it in the morning. And what? This is so much. No, it's fine. This is Monaco. nothing happens bad in monaco and we're out okay and we did that and we're going to catch a plane early in the morning so it's four o'clock in the morning we get out dawn it's right next the hotel paris right next to the casino in monaco right and we're standing there waiting for our car to come pick us up and we hear this kind of happy but drunken singing stumbling couple come around the corner really drunk and they were walking by the the casino

And when they hit the curb, this quietly, this little police car with just a little flashing light and an ambulance come pulling up, they very quietly get out, put the couple, the junk, rowdy couple into the back of the ambulance and then quietly drive off. And it was like, oh, fuck me. Yeah, they're serious here. They're not mad. I didn't, that's good. I mean, that's bad. That's bad. But that's good.

That's good. Yeah. They were escorted probably up the hill. Okay. We've proven that we're shallow, you know. Yes, definitely. And focused on the wrong things in life. No, we focused on the right things.

Thank you. You're right. Caught me again. Yeah. Very good. I want to talk about animal control. Oh, yes, definitely. But if you, do your friend to this, like when you told your friends I'm going into acting,

like I'm going to be an actor, they are all. I'm assuming most of them were like, well, you're crazy. What are you a child? You can't do that. What comes to mind? And then all of a sudden, you got movies and TV. And then I was like, oh, that.

My mom was supportive of anything creative. Anything. Wouldn't let us have real weapons in the house, guns. She wouldn't even buy me a toy gun. But if I carved, wittled, a beautiful looking replica of a gun, she was fine about that. So she created everything. That's great.

Supported anything created. My father about acting said, well, maybe while you're at Carnegie studying acting, maybe get a degree so you can teach if it doesn't work out. You can teach acting or something. But when you asked me what my friends thought, I was studying at Carnegie. I was working at a continental can factory at night, the night shift.

And I didn't tell anybody I was studying acting because these were hardcore. Yeah. Great people, but hardcore. They had worked there before World War II, went off and fought, and came back and still worked in the same place. Hardcore people, real people. And I didn't want to say that I was studying acting, you know. And I did the last two nights.

I told some people that I, you know, studying acting because I was quitting the next day or something. And this guy went, hey, come here. Call me by these heavy machinery's places. So tell me, is it true that, that most actors are preverts and I was like I wow that's an interesting question

I have no idea but I think I sorry I hear my somebody calling my name got to go that was my first reaction to announcing that I was an actor prevert prevert yeah which is I guess before you become a real

pervert I agree a few said like it's pronounced pervert and yes we are Now get back to that machine, sir. Okay, sorry. Usurped the conversation. Not at all. This is the best way.

But how about animal control, please? It's as big of a hit as Cheers was in the 80s. I know. That's why I'm making the same amount of money. Oh, wait. Vela Levelle. Vela Levelle. One of the greatest.

I do love her. And she loves you. Yeah. She can't say any. She braves about you. She's pretty cool. She now has a baby that I haven't seen. Yeah, Julian.

With J.G. Yeah. Does she come to the set with her? Yeah. Oh, how wonderful. So the baby was on set the whole time this last season. So how did it come to be? Are you part of the writing?

Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they will get together. They'll lay next to each other. without any clothes on. Oh. Yeah. And then. I can't wait to. Bush shows up, drops off a baby nine months later.

How did it start? Did you have anything to do with producing it or bringing it into life? I got the role and then they started putting the part, different pieces together. And Rob Bob and Tad are great executive producers and creators. They had a bunch of ideas. and then Fox had a bunch of ideas, and they were, like, Vela was at the top of the list for the role. Like, they wanted her for that role.

And she, and I read with her, and she was, she's Bella Lavelle. I mean, she's so good. Anything to do with the writing? Do you write? I don't. I give a lot of notes. Do you? But, yeah, and, but, like, I always want more jokes in the show.

That's kind of my, yeah, and probably too many. But I'm always like, if we have. My thing was like if we get these heartfelt moments, which we need and theater development moments, then just make sure you're laughing and crying at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what I learned from community was that you earn those, you know, those heartfelt moments through, you know, really well-told jokes. Yeah.

So, but like, anyway, but fella was like when she's such a killer, she comes in and she's so good. She's so funny and she knows her shit and she's so kind. And J.G. Her husband's so great. And he's on the show this year. So they were in scenes together and so it's like, well, who's going to watch the baby? So we just didn't. We just let the baby lie on the street and it was a mistake.

Just as long as you write down in a diary so later when they're in therapy. Right. Where were mom and dad? Yeah. They were busy. Here's what we did, do you. Corralling chipmunks that we had captured. So do you leave it behind?

Do you... What kind of actor are you, Joe? Do you obsess over it? Do you... Is it in the same ballpark I was doing a game show? Is it all having fun in front of a camera? Or if you had your druthers and you were a billionaire, would you only do...

I am a billionaire. Yeah, a trillionaire, would you still do community? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I would. That's what you want to do. I could. There's nothing else I wanted to do and was good at.

So, like, I was just like, if I can do this, this is good times. This, if I can do this thing that doesn't seem like work. Yeah. I mean, it's still work, but boy, it's something that, you know, it's, I doesn't feel like a job. And so I've had a bunch of jobs, and I was like, I could do this, but I was like, this one, this is, being in entertainment and was, yeah, I was like, this is what I want to do. So if I had, you can ask my way, if I had $5 billion, I'd still would be like, you think I can get in that independent film that's shooting and. Have you ever developed or wanted to develop material for yourself? I've pitched a lot of things, and as you know, a lot of it just doesn't happen.

And like when the soup came along, that was, yeah, that was one of those things where I was, I knew that, okay, this is about me telling jokes about these things. And thank God we had really great writers that made me look great. But I knew that I was like, okay, what, this has to be about like my opinion of these things. And so that's, that was how that was developed on the air when no one was watching. But who came before? Were there a few other top supers? Yeah, Greg Kinnear was the first. First.

In 91. So, and then John Henson and Hal Sparks and then Naisha Tyler. And then at that point, it was a daily show. And then it was canceled. and then it was brought back as something with a different title. And then a new boss came in. He's like, this is talk soup, just call it the soup. And then that's what we called it.

It was huge, wasn't it? It, well, for E, yes, it did very well. I didn't know how well it was doing until I would go make appearances. I'm like, oh, people are watching the show. And so no, because no one watched it for the first year. No one did. I would literally name check people from my high school and see if they knew it. And that also gave us the fact that we kind of thought no one was watching that helped us to not put any pressure on ourselves.

That was great. And so we, yeah, that was the first full year. But then that's when E took off and there was all sorts of like that's when the Kardashians came on and Joan came on and Chelsea came on. And so there was a real, there was a lot of, a lot of, I read that 90% of the people are more got the joke and loved being called out by you. Yes. No one ever took offense. Only, uh, uh, what's it?

Uh, Tire Banks. Did you have to straighten that out? Uh, it might not even have been Taira Banks. It might have just been the production company, King World. Uh, but, uh, Yeah, she was the only, or that, her production was the only one that said, if you have to, you can't use clips from our show, but we could legally, but they were like, we'll make it hard for you to use any king of the show.

That was the only, and then Ted Harbord, who was the president, was really cool about it. He was like, just lay off a little bit. And then you can, you know, go back and just like, wait a month or something. And, but all the, like, reality show people, they were. were all happy to be mentioned, which was great. So they, because of reality, was this open frontier back then where there was no rules at all, it wasn't nearly as polished. And so it was, yeah, it was a brand new, you know, like Survivor obviously changed everything back in 2000. But in the mid, 2004, 2005, it was all these little shows that exploded and became,

gigantic hits and and so but you could just yeah you could we were like a news show show we just showed you could show any clip and not have to pay for it for a week so that's why so all the soup so so someone just put together all the soup episodes and gave me a little stick a little memory stick though them all i was like i haven't seen any of this stuff so it's great how was it on i can't remember every night or once a once a week but they would repeat it endlessly because that It's also the days of early cable, well, I guess mid-cable when no one would, there was no Writers Guild, there was no writing technically. Everyone was a producer technically.

And so no one was being paid royalties. And that was the, that was the way that E was, you know, could, could show all that stuff. And, yeah, going way back. That's, it's so weird to think how long ago it was. Yeah. I don't think we ever made fun of you. There's nothing to make fun of. No, but no, yeah.

You don't have a reality. You don't, you know, this is Wonderbred. Why would you make fun? You know. See? Yeah. Look at them. Do you make use of your fame to do stuff out in the world?

Like philanthropic things? Yeah. No. Do you do stuff politically? No, sometimes. No, I'm not. Anything. How do you absorb what's going on around you in the world?

Do you go, okay, I can't do anything about that particular thing? So I'm going to focus on the good stuff. Oh, well, no, we do, we do do a lot of charity stuff and, uh, mostly through AST. I thought, why is he going serious? Oh, he was trying to pull up AST. Here we go. Bam! Uh, here it is.

Uh, no, we, my wife is really a good person, so she'll, she gets behind lots of good stuff. And, and I host a lot of charity events. Yeah. Uh, and that way I can, that makes me feel better. myself and what else do we politically like I'll get yeah I'll get behind some

candidates I'm all for the Whig Party still going back and yeah and boy what else do I and then the rest of the time and just listening to I don't listen to the news as much as I used to

I just watch tennis yeah and I'm way through there yeah and I'll read it I'll read it but I can't watch Watch it. Yeah, I get the New York Times and I get that ground news. Do you get ground news? I love ground news. Ground news, guys.

It's great. Really? Where do I find ground news? Just on the internet. Groundnews.com. Yeah, okay. This sounds like an advertisement for ground news. It just takes all the stories and like it'll be.

Grides it down. If it does, it'll be like, all right. They'll be like the Nepalese, you know, like the disaster there. They'll be like, here's the top 200 places. the news the story is coming from. And then it gives you like, here's the left and the right and the center. Oh, oh, I want this. Ground news.

Ground news. It's great. I can't, I should be paid right now. Yeah. Guys, can you give me a check? I think the older you get, the more your nervous system gets a little frayed. So things look, because I look at my kids who are bright and smart and engaged. And they're not panicky.

Yeah. They're aware. They're concerned. They may not like stuff. And they may be trying to do something about it, but they're not my kind of. Yeah. No, and I, like, right now, when everyone's talking about AI and how it's going to ruin the world, I'm like, this seems like, this is how I don't know enough, but I was like, this seems like the panic when, uh, it's not of the same level, but like when VHS tapes and Beta Max tapes came in, people are like, that's it. No one's going to the movies again. That's it. It's over. Orrin cable. I remember all the old people going like, why do I need a hundred channels? The three I have are fine. And, And I was like, is this just old people freaking out? Or am I, should I be freaking out more?

I don't know. I don't know. I remember, like, getting a walkman. People are always like, you just listen to your headphones, just walk around. You don't pay attention to anything. I'm like, okay, I guess. Remember, maybe not, yeah, you were in New York, maybe sometimes. And if you saw somebody talking, walking to this, you know, by themselves and talking out loud, they were probably.

Insane. Insane. Yeah. Now, literally everybody is talking out loud. I remember one of my parents' friends going like, I don't know, these mobile phones, yeah, they were like, but walking down the street, having to talk on the phone seems like the worst thing I can imagine. And I was like, why would you need that?

And then I thought it with Apple Watches, and I'm like, why would you need an Apple Watch? It's right there. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I need it. Damn it. and I'd love another free one. Yeah. And a Ferrari. I'd jump in there faster.

I could have had it. I was right there in the room with him. I could have grabbed it. Yeah. Do you have a landline? Do you ever use a landline? When's the last time you talked on a landline? You know, something I'm a bear to say, I don't know even.

Yeah. We had one for a while. I mean, once a while it rings. Yeah. Which is disturbing. Very. I was like, who got that number? What's happening?

Here's my philosophy that's, say, me, although Mary says I should stop saying it because of grandkids and stuff. But when I get panicky about the world, I always calm myself down by saying, and Ted, then you die. So, wind up. That is nihilism, man. Well, no, I mean, you know. And you say your own name out loud?

Yeah, I like saying that. Oh, come on, you don't. I mean, just when you're looking in the mirror. Then you die. Just take a little big smile on your face. How much mere time do you spend a day? Well, at the gym. Yeah, yeah?

Yeah, I'm always. Goals? What kind of gym do you go to? Oh, I got a home gym, baby. Oh. Yeah. I used to go to Golds. Is it in the garage with your Porsche?

Well, I mean, it's in the multi-car garage. Ooh. Kid. You're lifting heavy weights is what you're doing. Yeah, during COVID, we really built the gym up. Yeah. And then we just stopped going to gyms. So I'm sorry, gyms out there.

So, yeah, because we build. Golds. Yeah, I used to go to Golds, the one in, the one in, no, the one in. Hollywood? Yeah, well, it's supposed to be the West Hollywood Golds. And Ike Barronholz pointed out that, you're like, and it is not in West Hollywood. It's off a coal near, it's near more, it's near more, near to here. But it was like going to like the bar in Star Wars because I remember that's why I loved it.

It was so the characters and the I was just like, oh, this is L.A. This is great. I don't know about the other ones, but Venice Golds, if you're serious, everybody welcomes you. It's not a, you know, it's not a silly gym. People are there to really work and work out. and I'm talking to people, I would never have the opportunity to talk to, you know, because they see that I'm serious. I may not be lifting very heavy,

but I'm serious. I show up. Yeah. It's pretty, there's a lot of eye candy in every direction. But you see the dudes that are jacked. I remember walking in the guy. The guy was,

one guy was wearing moon boots, sunglasses, like a half shirt, and like a very shiny, like, astronaut pants. and like benching 450 pounds. And I was like, this is very different.

Or like a wrestling singlet with pierced nipples out and just gigantic. And I'm like, this is so different than Seattle. Bobby, you're talking about Bobby, but go on. He's great. Bobby's great. But it was fucking, what a, yeah, I was just like, oh, we're welcome to. And then I remember seeing Sean Hayes at that gym and being like, Sean Hayes is here.

This is very exciting. I had to stop going. The diminishing returns. At a certain age, you don't build. And my joints are... What age? You got to keep going. Don't listen to that.

No, no, no, keep going. 100%. But you're not going to be building a lot of muscle at post-75-ish. You just aren't. You can keep your muscles toning all of that. But I was starting to ache so much. much from my workout in the last, you know, two days afterwards that it was kind of diminishing returns. Pilates. I'm now doing Pilates and I am happy. Happy as a clam. Have you seen what

Rick Springfield looks like right now? Pull a picture of Rick Springfield. 77. Rick? Yeah. Jesse's girl. Yeah. This is this week. This is yesterday. I can't even fathom that. Wow. Yeah. I mean... Okay, I get the muscles. How did he do the skin part?

I mean, that's a lot of spray tan, which is the greatest invention in human history. Thank God. Yeah. Pilates. Pilates. I'm hooked. Do you do it every day? Three times a week when I can.

When you work, it's hard to work out, isn't it? How do you fit it? It is hard. But I do it after work usually. Wow. If, unless they're crazy days and then I don't. And then I just don't eat. Is there a lot of where's daddy?

Where's my husband? They've gotten so used to it. Oh. That they're like, I'm so I'm gone more than I'm home. So they're like, and now I try to, you know, try to get him to come along. But, you know, they're like, what do we even do while you're working? Do you have any heroes in life? Yeah.

Bad word, tough word, but do you have any heroes? Yeah, like Spider-Man, Superman, the Hulk thing. Yeah, I mean, they seem to have One more past. Credible powers that... Heroes. Anybody? People you look up to, forget heroes.

Or I want to emulate or who you'd like to go to. As I was walking out of the house, I mean, telling Sarah, we were talking about, you were all like, I'm going to be fucking Ted damn. What did Sarah say? Because she's more real than you are. She'll be like... No, what did she say today? Oh, no, we were talking, we were talking about you.

And she was like, yeah. Yeah, we're like this crazy world where Ted Danson's going to interview me. And I was like, this is great. This is just what, how did that happen? Because we would, you know how many people, like, I never saw Cheers. It was only Becker. Kidding. See what I did there?

I did. You just slam. Oh, good. You came back. See what I did? Yeah, you did. Becker was on for six years. Becker was a hit.

Yeah. Real hit. But no, I'm just like, I can't believe this. And like when Eric Idol came on... Eric Idol. Came on the soup. You got to me. Oh, wow.

And he dressed up as a woman. And my friend who was on the soup with me, Dominic, who I knew since fifth grade, we're like just sitting there like, doing a fucking sketch with Eric Idol right now. John Cleese came to be on cheers and we barely rehearse. We were just gobsmacked. I've met him a couple times. I'm like, I can't believe this. How about rock stars?

Well, I remember meeting. Elvis Costello years ago. And he was like, oh, my wife and I watched your show. And I was like, wow.

What's happening? What in the world is happening? Sports stars. That's where I get nervous. Right. I get nervous now. Give me some. I just interviewed,

well, that was a few months ago, but Mike McDonald's, who's the coach of the Seahawks, and I'm like, I cannot talk right now. I cannot believe. But like, going way, like I could, like Dave Craig going way back, Jim Zorn.

These are all Seattle Seahawks, yeah. So, but like when I got, like, I did a show with Gary Payton and I was like, what the fuck is happening? Wow. I'm here with Gary Payton. You were very close to football, right? Yes. I played college football.

Very badly. Which is whatever. It is very close to pros. Those guys were. I was great at practicing. What were you? Titan, very. Yes. I looked a lot different.

I looked at your body and I went tight end. Yeah. But the tight ends in front of me were the, I was a walk-on. So I was like a mascot. I was there. I didn't get killed. So I was like, I remember the coach going, well, you didn't, you're not, I don't feel worried for you anymore.

And like, the coach was always like, I thought you're going to be killed out there. And I was like, okay, yeah, okay. When people, coaches would comment on me in basketball, it was, you got a lot of heart. You've got a lot of heart It's pretty good Yeah It's I used to get invited to

Celebrity For like the Lakers Started inviting me Things because Jeannie Bus was a fan of the suit Oh wow And I'd go to these things And I'd be like

Who was playing then It was like Kobe Yeah Yeah And like Kobe what I was like Fucking Kobe Unbelievable

Magic would get up there And I'd be like What is happening I retired from being The Lakers during You know Showtime

Magic. Yeah. I was just, I would live and die. My week really, I would be in a real clinical depression if they lost. It really, I was impacted that much. When Magic retired, I think I retired a little bit. And then Kobe brought me back. Yeah, and Shaq.

But now I'll watch any game and enjoy good playing college almost more than pros for some reason. I mean, it's, yeah, I mean, there's nothing better than March Madness. I mean, when that comes around, it's so freaking exciting. Give me more people you've interviewed that are, got to sit down. I met Roger Federer in an elevator, and I was just like, couldn't believe it, could not believe it. And he was so kind. And Boris Becker was his coach at that point. I was like, okay.

Well, I can't. This is ridiculous. And, yeah, those are. Right now, tennis stars are like I get really excited. I'm trying to think of people that I met that, like when I first was on Conan, like when I've told Conan this. And he's like,

and you can tell him, he does a thing where he's like, okay, yeah, yeah, okay, great. And I'm like, no,

no, no, Conan. And I literally told him, was like, you're the only show I ever wrote a letter to. And, and because I was so blown away by this bit that he did.

And then like, I mean, yeah, the fact that we're friends now, I'm like, don't print it. Don't let him hear any of this. I try to make fun of him, but I can't. I have so much respect for him. I mean, and this whole building is filled with people who've worked with him for years. This is the sweetest, kindest, funniest building to walk into. And it's because of Conan. He's just, he is remarkable. And he came on in the 92, three, and I remember just being like, oh, he's, this guy is, we're close in age, and he's got this show. I didn't quite get him in the beginning.

Oh, my gosh. I went, wait, this is different. As a young, I was just like this, I was like, oh my gosh, he's speaking. Yeah. He's speaking to me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and then, like, before that, like, David Letterman, when, like, I couldn't put, like,

yeah, I was also was, like, so enamored by, like, the fucking shit. Like, that's when I was a kid. Like, I was like, oh, John. Carson's my grandpa, Dave Letterman's my dad. Yeah. And Conan's like the cool cousin. That's exactly right. Yeah.

Yeah. And then... Did you hear his Mark Twain speech, Conan's? Yes. Yeah. No. He's one of my heroes. Yeah.

Don't tell him any of this. No. Don't. Yeah. He hates it when I say that he's my boss, but he really is. I mean, that's why I'm... That'll get him to... Yeah, it pisses him off.

I was trying to... Like yesterday, doing this, but like, I was talking about his travel show. I could see that he was trying to change this subject. And I was like, no, no, no, no. We're going to talk about you in India. And it was so funny. I still have this image yesterday of him coming up the stairs with this cane,

this beautiful looking walking stick cane. Yes. And he said, look what shoulders came me. And I've got this sword. And I was like, just in case. Just in case. Now, see, I would have to like. If you get attacked in 1850 in the.

Streets of London, yeah, you want one of those. If I had gotten that gift, I would have known to pour a little super glue at the end of it and stick it back in so it could never come out and hurt me. How would it come out and hurt you as if it was possessed? Yeah. Like it was enchanted and somehow, like it's a spell? No, that I might think I could be good with this sword, you know. That, I did that way. I have so many cuts on my hands from my pocket knife.

Still? Recently? No. The scars are still there, but not recently. I used to, I love bullwips as well because of, you know, I have a ton of bullwips. And so, uh, I used to Sarah know all of this. Oh, yeah. She just makes me, now I just have them in one room. Yeah. And it's just piles of weapons in this room. Yeah, it's real. But I used to whip around a bullwhip because of Indiana Jones.

Did you get really good at the snap? I was really good at it. Because that's not easy. No. And then I pulled it out years ago and almost took my eye out. And so I'm like, you know what? I probably shouldn't be doing this. You should start with a much shorter whip and maybe just calm down.

Yeah. Maybe just a towel in the dressing room. Yeah. So that one, because that thing can whip around and I freaking take your eye out. Harrison Ford. When I met Harrison Ford. Now, that was, that's one of those people. Yeah.

That's very impressive. And you can see, yeah, you've, you're of. the same era and the same there are like three franchises that you can mention and I can't remember which one it was probably. Probably Indiana Jones or something. I brought up something about that

and I could hear him kind of put, not sardonic, but sort of a quote around that Indiana Jones, that he couldn't just say it straight because it was so huge. Yeah. You know.

And he's Han Solo at the same time. Yes. Yeah. And so I think I'd be that way around Keanu Reeves probably as well. Because, yeah, he's, he's, I'm a person that has, I've grown up with, like, not grown up, but I'm like, oh, you're just a part of, you're part of my brain. I, I just stayed away from John Wick until one day I didn't and became, like, binged it. I mean, it's, very cool. Yeah.

And that was after the Matrix. Yeah. After Bill and Ted's excellent. I mean, out of three huge franchises. I mean, fucking hey. Mary was, yeah, in parenthood. Yeah. A very young Keanu Reeves.

And also a television series. Wait. Yeah. NBC ran that for... Parenthood. Yeah. Yeah, but not Keanu Reeves. Not Keanu Reeves, no.

But that was a great movie. Yeah, it was. Diane Weist. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that was a great movie. I remember seeing in the theater. Do you know my wife besides the airplane thing?

Have you ever, you've never? We have met once on the plane. Yeah, that was it. When you were telling me about mother. Well, she said to say hi. I don't have any idea why, but it was a memorable. See, there's something about you. You do remember you.

Oh, I'm relentless. Oh. This is why because Conan brought up because my wife takes vacations. alone. I read that. Now, how does that work? She does. I'm assuming you do not take vacations on your because you're not an idiot. Well, I don't take vacations. But no, I'll go on vacation with my, but yeah, but she's like, I need some space. Yeah. Yeah. And so she goes like and does yoga for nine days in Iceland and that's how, yeah. And so she can get a little breather from me and me and our sons. So it's, yeah, she does it's like twice a year. I mean, I mean, I

This is a lot. Yeah. Me. Yeah. Do you have the same comedic rhythm at home with, with Farah, or do you tone it down and? No, I tone it down because she's over it. Yeah. If I can get her to laugh, it's pretty remarkable.

Oh, isn't that? But don't you, making Mary laugh is just make, it's such a turn-on. It is the best thing in the world. Yeah, it's not a turn-on for her. But, no, no, no, for me, hearing Mary laugh is just like, oh my gosh, yes, it's the greatest. People say, have you ever been jealous about, you know, anything Mary did? And it's like, no, I'm so clear about her love for me. If she starts laughing around somebody a little bit too much, I don't want to say things like Will Forte or Jake Johnson, you know, but I'm a little jealous when she finds people really funny and laughs.

Wow. Yeah. I'm always like, damn, I wish I was that funny. Hmm. I go petty. Will Forte. You got to see this movie

that I was in with him a futile and stupid gesture. It'll be right up your... Really? Yeah. He plays Doug Kenny, who started the National Lampoon. And he's fucking brilliant.

As usual. Yeah. It's great. I've been in a lot of shitty stuff, but that one is not. So, Mary, because I remember seeing her in the Back to the Future, the third. Right. Yeah, and I remember, yeah, well, that was 95, four.

No, pre-me, so. Three? Probably 90. 90? Pretty good. Yeah. I mean, it's a rare combo, obviously, when you, like, yeah, she's got that movie star thing. When you're like, oh, she's a tremendous actor and looks like that.

and you're like, wow. You just got her, man. She's yours for life. That's very sweet. No, it's true. I know. You also got it too. You know that.

People just walk around like this. Yeah, you're right. Hey, you know, I do love being me. I don't know why I do this bullshit. I do love being me. I love the amount of fame I have is just perfect. People see me and they smile. because they remember something funny I was part of.

It's a great way to go through life. And your genetics are holding up real well. Yeah. Unless you've... Pilates, my friend, Pilates. My wife does that. I don't stretch at all. I haven't stretched in years.

If I try to touch my toes right now, there'll be a loud bang. It'll be a, it'll be a hamstring snapping. And you'll be like, what the fuck was that? And you'd be like, that was his hamstring. That, yeah. It's, yeah. It's good times. How long have we been talking?

I feel like I've taken up this. No, no, no, no. But I keep wondering what? Why? Who are you the most unfunny around? Who are you, who are you the most? No, no, no, no, no. See?

My kids don't laugh at anything I do. I'm trying to be Barbara Walters here and find that. I'm trying to think of something I could cry about. No, no, no cry. Just. But we, you know. I can't imagine me not trying to be funny. So why am I trying to see what you'd be like, not funny?

Oh, I mope around all the time. At my house, I mope around. A little depression? Probably. Yeah, but then I started exercising. I'm like, all right. Yeah. But like my 18-year-old's leaving for college and I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

That is hard. Yeah. I'm like, here we go. Have you already done the college trip? Does he know where he's going? He knows where he's going. Don't tell me. But.

It's, I'm trying to think of a joke. He's going to Hogwarts. I don't know. When I'm around younger, funny, very funny people, and there are a handful of them and they're buzzing and funny and repartee, I can find, I can feel myself crying. There's the joke. I don't know what the joke is, but I know that that's the timing. It's right there. That should be right here.

I'm always like, ah, 30 years ago, I would have had one ready to. to go. Shoot. I'm going to say a barber college. I so enjoyed talking to you. Ted Danson. We probably won't go out and have a beer. No, you don't even drink, right? Not anymore. You should start up again. I got to drink last night, so. What did you have? Spritz, this don't count, really. We went to the Magic Castle with friends from Japan, and Mary and I both had a, oh, let's have a drink moment. Wow. Two sips, and I was bust. Good for you. Yeah.

It takes me two bottles. Good for you. Just, just. Do you want to tell us what brand you're drinking now? Oh, well, Chateau Margot, 1976, would be great. Yeah, they're not going to give you that shout. How about a 58 Petrus? That'd be nice.

So you're not really just doing it for the money. You're doing it for the free access to free booze, right? McCallon Scotch is one of my favorites, guys. I love the 12, the 18. Why is it smoky and all that stuff? Well, it's, you know, I think it's a perfect balance. It's got enough peat, but enough, kind of that buttery richness at the end to, you know. Joel McHale.

For McAllen. For any price. Thank you, Joel. That was fun. I'm expecting some form of weaponry coming my way. I mean, after all, that's what you gave Conan. Uh, slowly I turn. The fifth season of animal control.

premieres on September 27th on Fox at 8.30 p.m. That's it for this week. Special thanks to Team Coco. If you've enjoyed this episode, send it to a loved one. Subscribe on your favorite podcast app and maybe give us a great rating and review on Apple Podcasts. If you like watching your podcast, all our full-length episodes are on YouTube. Visit YouTube.com slash team cocoa. See you next time where everybody knows your name. You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Leow. Our executive producers are Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and myself.

Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer, engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grawl. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Battista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Yen, Mary Steenbergin, and John Osborne. Thank you.