Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (sometimes) - Kevin Nealon

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

In an alternate timeline, we might have been watching Kevin Nealon as Sam Malone on Cheers rather than Ted Danson! Kevin joins Ted to talk about why he’s glad things didn’t go that way, his journey to Saturday Night Live stardom, meeting his wife Susan Yeagley, and why he’s joining an effort to conserve the Appalachian Trail. Take a moment to sign the petition at TakeAHikePetition.org.Like watching your podcasts?  Visit http://youtube.com/teamcoco to see full episodes.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You know, because back then, nobody really used protection, right? You're asking me? Yeah, back then. What did you do back then? I, uh... Welcome back then to where everybody knows your name. From Saturday Night Live's weekend update to the happy Gilmore movies, Kevin Neelan has never stopped making me laugh.

He lives and breath. He hasn't gone literally more than two weeks without getting on the stage for a stand-up set since he started in the late 70s. He has a new stand-up special coming out soon, which we'll get into. And I encourage you, I'm afraid we talk about it, but I'm afraid you need to Google his artwork and take a look at it. It's truly spectacular. Like me, Kevin, is a huge lover of getting out in the middle of nature, and we're going to talk about that and his efforts to protect the Appalachian Trail. So here he is, Kevin Neeland. I thought because you have hiking with Kevin, that this was something you've done, hiked the Appalachian Trail before. Have you?

No, I have not. I might have crossed it at one point. I might have been on it and did not know it because it's the longest hiking trail only in the United States. Georgia to Maine. You know, my brother hiked on a trail in Spain called the Camino de Santiago Trail. It's a very spiritual trail. I don't know if you've heard of this.

But people go there that are going through things in their life, whatever it is. And my brother was just hiking and he meant his wife there. Not his wife, but he meant the woman who would be his wife.

His wife was home. Yeah, so, but this Appalachian Trail, I think of it as kind of a spiritual trail, too. It's, it's the 100th anniversary. of the trail and the, you know, the Appalachian Trail Conservancy has always been, you know, the stewardship of the whole thing. It keeps it, manages it and, you know, protects it and as the advocate for it. And it's a hundredth anniversary. Yeah. Coming up. Yeah, that trail's been on for

a hundred years. And I don't know whose idea it was, but it's brilliant that taking the phrase, take a hike. Yeah. Meaning buzz off is being turned. literally there's a petition to go to the different, right? It's gotten to that. Dictionaries where we're going to change the definition to go out and enjoy nature, truly take a hike. Yeah, and we're taking, we have a form take a hike petition.org, you can go there and. No, no, I signed it like two hours ago. For real, yeah.

Oh, oh, nice. Yeah, did you see my name on there? I didn't see your name on it. I'm a little confused. No, but it is true. It's, you know, it's always been dismissive. like, hey, take a hike. You know, it's like, you're annoying.

Get out of here. So we're trying to get the dictionaries like, you know, the Oxford Dictionary and Webster's to change it to more of a, you know, an invitation to go out in the wilds and the nature and kind of just restore all of your, you know, natural instincts in life. I, you know, I like to hike in the morning because I'm the most creative when I'm hiking. I think a lot. I meditate.

And I used to study my lines. in the morning because it is the clearest. What's a hike do you mean? Like 45 minutes, longer? Trails. Five feet of incline? Five feet of incline? I think it doesn't.

That is interesting. What is the hike to me? Because some people see, I have a hiking show on YouTube called Hiking with Kevin and I hike with a different, you know, a lot of different celebrities through the canyons, mostly of L.A.

And I interview them and, you know, Conan's done it. And Tom Hanks. I saw Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell was on there, yeah, Cheryl Crow. And so I like being outdoors. I like being, and I think that's one of the reasons I'm partnering with them because I'm a hiking enthusiast, but I don't own a, well, I do have hiking shoes,

but they're not the heavy-duty kind where you have the poles in your hiking, you know, and the, I still use the oxygen pack like the people on Everest do, but that's only for the canyons, high up in the cany, it's like, you're the Hollywood sign. the oh specifically are your interviews you ask like so how are you they talk for half an hour start huffing and puffing and you're controlling your breath and i'm usually the one huffing and puffing i i am i watch that i go people say who's the most out of shape of all your hikes i've done about 150 of these 170 i go it's me i look back at it i'm like because i'm talking you know and i'm walking up the hill and uh and and and everybody else

seems to be, I know when they're not in good shape is when they come with a cup of coffee. And then I hiked with David Spade once. It took me a while to get him because I'll hike, but it's got to be flat. And it's got to be in between rush hour traffic. And you've got to have some food for me because I'm hypolycemic. So we went and we hiked. And there was a 1% incline, I would say, 0.1. And he goes, are we going uphill right now?

But, yeah, so I love hiking. And the Appalachian Trail is something I always wanted to do. And I follow people on Instagram that do it. And it's really interesting. I think once you've done that, it's kind of changed your whole perspective on life. Were you a city kid growing up? No, not really. I grew up in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

So it was kind of on the outskirts of the city. But my friend and I, we used to, there was some woods nearby our house, maybe about half a mile away. And it's probably all developed now. But we both want to be Forest Rangers. So we would go there, we had axes, and we would build lean-toes, and fences, almost like, you know, in the pioneer days. It was really pretty impressive. We had the wood fences around, and we had the lean-to with the, you know, the branches all over it, and we'd sleep overnight there.

And, you know, we're only like half a mile away from home. And we'd cook, we'd have the burner, you know, the fireplace. That was my life. It was? It was? It was? In Flagstaff, Arizona. Oh.

We would go, we'd jump on horses, too, and go that away. for as long as we felt because it was just in the middle of... Oh, that's intense. It would get hot, wouldn't it? Was this in the winter? No, this is Flagstaff, which is 7,000 feet on up to 13. That's where I want to go. And I want to go to also, you know what, Sonoma.

Or Sedona. Sedona. Yeah. And Simona. Oh, no, Simone's a girl like that. In Sonoma. In Sonoma. Yeah.

We're going to be fine. Don't worry. But I've always heard about Flagstaff. And that is pretty. That is an altitude up there. Yeah, it's beautiful. And that was my upbringing, just playing. Wow, lucky you.

And you back then, you could, you know, your mother could say, be home before dark or you'll be in trouble. But that was it. Yeah. And you were off, just having a great old time. How was that high school up there? The high school, I don't know. You didn't ever went to school?

No, I went to junior high there. Yeah. And then I was, you got 15 minutes at the end of, the day to do your homework and you only needed about five minutes so the school wasn't particularly great back then and i was a horrible student very lazy so anyway i got i thought it was my idea but basically i got sent away to a kentz school for boys in kent connect connect connect connect i know that i know that area yeah yeah so and i got to play basketball are you a basketball player i thought i was until i went to Stanford and stepped out on the court, and it was like...

Did you go to Stanford? Stanford, Connecticut. Oh, I thought you was Stanford. I was going to say, you weren't a good student, but you wanted to Stanford. No, it was Stanford, but crappy. What? Stanford, Connecticut? No, sorry. Stanford? You did go to Stanford.

See, the trouble with you is I can't tell if you're now bantering with me and I need to keep up. Oh, this is real. I've ever been in an interview. Stanford University, Palo Alto. So you were a good student. You were lazy. all of the above but not a good student but you were smart i was smart enough to relax and know that this was not going to be my life so yeah enjoy the test and who cares and did well enjoy filling out

those dots yeah yeah good for you what did you imagine i found a profound theater that's what happened to me at stanford so forever grateful yeah that's great man pretty up there palo alto too yeah used to be i i have one image of atherton which is right next to Palo Alto, which was where all of the computer stuff started. And I was raising, trying to get enough money to buy a $200 convertible with my friend. And so we were parking cars at weddings and funerals.

And I answered an ad to go to some kid's garage, parents' garage. And I sat there with a little dental tool, scraping out the solder marks that got a little too wide or big on a chip. It was a chip that was literally this big. And I remember seeing They're going

God, what a bunch of losers You know Obviously they own the world now I can't I have no idea I cannot comprehend how they could even I can't even comprehend how to build a house Never mind a chip

Yeah You know you need some metal I guess And some soldering irons And a friend You noticed I had to build So I was telling us I was coming here to do the podcast All a friend of mine

He's not really in the business I'm gonna go do this podcast With Ted dancing He goes oh body heat yeah yes body heat you guys see body heat

it's so good that was so good I still remember William Hurt finishing his run and they're taking out a cigarette yeah

that was such a good character trait there okay let's go back a little bit let's do the I love the cheer story it makes me feel good

you want to tell that story okay so I'm 26 I've been in Hollywood it for maybe two, three years. I was bartending at the improv. I had played football in college. I go for a interview at Paramount, an audition, and I got five callbacks over a period of two weeks.

The two producers and the director, Jimmy Burroughs. Les and Glenn. Yep. All those guys, Charles Brothers, they look at each other and go, and I heard them say this, we're not getting any closer than this. But I didn't hear him say, God damn. So I walked out thinking, Paramount, this is my new home. That wasn't too bad.

That wasn't that difficult. I don't know what people are talking about, you know. And a week goes by, I hear nothing. Two weeks go by, my marriage was calling. They go, well, they love you, but they've decided to look at an older, older actress for the part. You know, it's you and Fred Dreyer. Friar. William Devane.

William Devane. Shelly Long Somebody Julie Duffy Yeah So But they liked me Because I did play football

It was originally for a football player Yes it was Tight end Yeah I was quarterback Maybe that's why I didn't get it But And I was a bartender

And also Jim told me That it was originally supposed to be On the way out to Vegas The bar And not in Boston Yeah

You didn't know that I had this very, except for the ending, obviously, had a similar story. I went two or three or four times. I was shooting a taxi, and throughout the week, they would call me down in between whatever's rehearsals. And by about the third or fourth time, I was going, oh, no, they said to me. So don't take anything without checking with us first. Don't take another job. That's a good sign.

Yeah. So I said, so this is mine? no no no no just don't take anything and i walked out the back door of the office and coming up the stairs into the front door it was this line of actors so yeah older guys right oh yes okay i know i was the first older guy you were the young crowd okay yeah that was so you were doing taxi at the time yeah and who was that was any coughman there then um wait a minute he wasn't when i was at least that Okay, and Christopher Lloyd was great. Oh, my gosh.

I like it when they're taking that driver's exam. And he's... Yes, slower. So, go slow. What is the orange light meat? Those were so many great shows back then. I mean, everything seemed... I mean, they're all three camera,

but they were good. They were well written. Yeah, and Pardon me, and Paramount was like a factory. So there were so many, and the writers were all friends. And if somebody got stuck on a script, people from other shows would come over around midnight and help out. There was that kind of world back then. So wait, so, okay, go on. You want to tell a story again?

No. Well, just the part where I got. First, let me ask you this. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but how did they finally tell you that you got the park? I want to pretend what it sounded like. I want to pretend it was me. Well, first off, they went further. I don't know if you were doing the teaming up with reading with...

Chemistry? Yeah, chemistry reads with... I didn't get to that. Because the truth is, I got cheers. A big, at least 90% of why I got it was I was reading with Shelley Long. And Shelley Long just nailed that part. She walked in. She's great.

She was great. That was perfect. And I got teamed up in the three couples came downstairs and took turns auditioning in front of the studio and the network and this little makeshift bar and I think I got it because I was with Shelly. But anyway, back to you. Enough about you.

Enough about, no, we'll get back to me in a minute. So you're, you come to L.A. You're bartending, but doing stand-up at the same time. I was getting into stand-up. Yeah, I was getting to stand-up. And that's the other thing. Stephen Colsack. Yeah, Colzac.

Colzac. He was the casting guy, and he came out to see me at the Ice House, you know, as we were going through these stages. I've had the best set of my life, standing ovation. As I'm walking off the stage to the aisle, he goes, I just got here. How was it? Okay. I said, well, it went pretty well.

I got the part. In that moment, I got the part. That's right. That way, yeah, yeah. But what you were doing that then still, when you got called to do Saturday Night Live? No. You mean stand-up?

You were at the improv? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was not bartending now anymore. I had left that to do stand-up, which is a big leap because, you know, you made pretty good money bartending. So I left that and I started doing stand-up, and then I was actually, you know,

I did all the talk shows like Leonard Man and a Tonight show, Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin and Michael Douglas, Mike Douglas and I had just was shooting a pilot for a travel show you know

I was going to go there and say and here's that and this is why you want to come here and I got SNL and the producer was nice enough

to let me go and you go do it oh you had gotten the job I got the job I auditioned for it what happened was I'm a stand-up. I'm not a sketch player.

I don't do characters or stuff, you know? And Dana Carvey was my roommate. When he was in town, he had an apartment over the garage. We rented a house in the hills with a couple other comics. So he got selected to be on that show, rightfully so, because he has characters and accents and oppressions for that summer. It's for that upcoming season. This was back in the 1900s.

I remember. And so he, off he goes, I'm so excited for him. I'm so proud. I'm telling people how gay, Dana is. being in my buddy. And two weeks later, I got a call from him. Out of the blue, Kev, I'm out at Laura Michael's house. I'm in the back bedroom.

This is in the kitchen. Bill Murray. No. Yes. Anyway, Lauren's looking for one more cast member. I told him about you, and I think he's going to want to see your audition tape. I'm like, Bill Murray's in the kitchen. Do you see what I wasn't even buying into that because I know I never get it because

I don't do sketches or stuff. But I send it in anyway. It's free chipped in New York the most. And a couple weeks later, you're going to do. and call back, Kev, I'm back at a Lord Michael's house, guess it's in the kitchen, Steve Martin. What? No.

Because good news, Lauren, like your tape, they're going to fly you in for an audition. Steve Martin's in the kitchen. But, you know, I don't do accents or characters or, you know, I'm just a stand-up, a really, really good stand-up. You'll see, I'll show you. No, no, I've been watching all day, and you made me laugh. I'm kidding.

So I go into New York. You're so funny, Kevin. Yeah. You really are. I should have had a show a long time ago. No. Put it limited you. Yeah.

I wouldn't be where I am right now. I wouldn't have done SNL if I got Cheers. Somebody else's jokes? Oh, I see. I went back to Cheers. I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, no. That's what I'm saying.

I didn't realize you were past that. No, no. I was referring to Cheers. If I got Cheers, I wouldn't be married now. I wouldn't have the kid I have. That's right. Does that make sense? Because everything I think happens in that order, I think.

So anyway, I fly into New York. It's a free trip. in New York. I do my little audition, and I don't even remember what I did. And I fly back to L.A. and three weeks later, I find myself sitting in a high rise in Beverly Hills across from Lord Michaels. He's offering me a job on SNL. And I said, thank you very much, Mr. Michaels. Let me think about it over the weekend. Did you really? I did. That's the way you play. And why? Because that is a bit that you really needed to. I wanted that job, and he knew it. And he said, you think about over the weekend we'll see in new york on monday and he did but um the truth is

and i look back on this now and i don't know how much of this was kind of behind the scenes we have the same manager it was uh brad gray at the time with brilstein right and so he handles he was managing burning brilstein would handle um Lauren and Brad was me and so it was almost like a setup Lauren gave his pitch I've taken it all in, and then he excuses himself to go to the restroom. Give us time to talk, right? And Brad goes, just tell them to think about it over the weekend. You know, just tell them to think about it over the weekend.

And I knew that they must have had talked about that before. I'm just the pawn, right? And he comes back, and it's killing me, because I don't want to say that. I want to say, I'll take it, let's go. So I go, he goes, so what do you think? I said, well, let me think about it. over the weekend. He said, well, you think about it over the weekend.

We'll see in New York on Monday. That's what he did. He did. And I was there on Monday. I love the story where I missed a subliminal. Subliminal was the first thing you did on air? That was the first sketch I did, yeah, that I wrote. And Michael came up to you, I'm sorry.

Lauren came up to you and said, you sure you want to do that? Well, he said something like this. We're like 10 seconds away from the commercial coming back. He puts his hand in my shoulder. He goes, are you sure this is what you want? I said, let me think about it over the weekend. Oh, so did he mean the whole career of SNL and fame and all that, you know? And that's like tense.

And this subliminal sketch is difficult to do because it's like two conversations going on at once. Right. Yeah, like I could be talking about Conan O'Brien, loser. and I would just fit words in there that nobody would know I was saying failure. You know what I was a bad example because that's kind of like what people say around here.

Maybe you're right. Wait, one more on that because I watched the one I saw was Marla and Donald Trump divorce headlines. Was that your first one or no? No, I'd done a sketch. I done a sketch first with Victoria Jackson and John Lovitz.

it was about an advertising I went to school for marketing so I have a degree in marketing so I knew about subliminal advertising and I co-wrote this with Al Franken and the gist was I would go in there and try to get people to do what I want

by inserting words very quickly in the middle of a sentence and Victoria was the secretary and John was the boss and I would come in and I would say hey is Mr. Manning's in no he's not but he'll see you in a minute

okay that'll be fine right away so let me ask you something we should go out the dinner sometime your treat and you know we'll have a good time it was i would love to let me buy oh that's all that's all right nice of you to say that and then i go in and i'm sitting down talking to uh love it's and i go hey um you know just thinking met's tickets are you going to uh you know out of town yes let me give you some met tickets you like to use my met tickets you know so it was that kind of thing it was more of a sketch and then it became more of a weekend update feature Who were the women there when you were there? The women there were Jan Hooks, who was so underrated, I mean, of all time.

Wonderful. So good. She was such a great sketch player. And to this day, I think she's one of the top three that have been there over the years. So, yeah, Victoria Jackson, Nora Dunn, and Jan Hooks. Though I did a scene with them the one time I'd, boy, I was not cut out for that. You didn't like it? I didn't like it, not like it.

I just felt like I was surviving. You know, and it's just so intense. I feel bad for the host because they're not used to that, especially hosts that aren't in front of a camera a lot. Right. If they're stand-ups and know their own voice, it's fun, I think. I had fun, but it was scarier. It's scary. It's scary.

I mean, I've heard of hosts just collapsing. And this is a crazy story. I had claustrophobia for several years from SNL. I went down to do in the makeup, because I was playing Jay Leno, so they need to make a prosthetic chin for me. So they got to do that life mask. I think it's called her a death mask. It's a plaster.

And I've never had it done before. And they cover you with plastic so it doesn't drip on you. And they cover up your ears and your mouth is closed. straws in the nose. Straws in the nose and they start putting plaster all over you and it starts to harden. And I never thought it would be a problem. It starts to get warm.

It's hardening, you're thinking, oh, my God, all this opens my nostrils. If they close those up, I'll suffocate. And I started to get panicky. And I remember about to pass out, I was going like this, take it off, take it off. And then the next thing I know, I'm smelling salts and I'm waking up.

It is. Similar, not as intense, but it is very skis. You think you can do it, and it'll be all right, but it's terrifying. So I did it again, because I didn't want to, you know, I wanted to get it done. I wanted to play Jay Leno, and I almost passed out again. But two weeks later, I'm stopped in a subway between stations. It's dark. I started getting that same feeling again, and it's just snowballed from that.

I started getting it more and more. It became almost agoraphobic. I thought it was over for me, you know. I have to fly. I got to be on a plane to go places. Even it got to the point where I was driving on the, like the 101, freeway and on the other side was backed up with traffic I think how am I going to get home I got if I need to get home it's so backed up um so anyway I worked through that over a couple of years now

it doesn't bother me anymore but here is the nightmare of all nightmares about a year later I shudder when I think about this Jeff Daniels is hosting the show and he goes down to makeup it's Friday night and Jim the head writer comes up to me he's kind of he goes Did you hear what's happening with Jeff Daniels right now? I go, no, what's happening? He goes, they can't get the plaster mask off his face. And I'm like, what? What?

He goes, yeah, somebody mixed the wrong, like somebody who used to work there, had a vendetta, and they mixed the wrong powders together. So that when they did this, it was, he had a five o'clock growth on his face, right? And he's got eyebrows and eyelashes. It all stuck to that. They couldn't pull it off. They could not pull it off. They tried pulling it away and pulling it away.

and pouring water down there because he's got the straws in his own and it just gave him a bloody nose there was bright red blood all over the plaster and he goes and if he panics and he throws up he'll drown

because there's no way for it to come out and they were trying everything so Lauren you know Lauren knows a lot of people he calls a couple of plastic surgery surgery buddies they're at a party you know it's Friday night they come over with their black

doctor's bag and they set up their camp there. They take out Xacto knives and they pull the mask away and then they cut the eyebrows off of the mask, eyebrows, pull it off to the hair, cut the eyelashes. Oh, Jesus. Get it all the way down to the beard and then giving him Novokane shots as they're pulling it off, pulling it off, pulling it off. He came in the next morning, splotchy face, red face. I'm not supposed to know this happened, you know.

And he goes, did you hear what happened to me? I said, no, what happened? It was like my biggest nightmare. And I hope he hadn't developed claustrophobia from that. Oh, that's horrifying. Oh, my God. I'm telling you. It's, no, I can't even talk about it.

You did that nine years? For nine years. But, you know, by the way, they don't do that anymore. The plaster, it's all like, you know, digital 360 thing that going around you. I think God. I still have mine at home, by the way. The mouth is like this. Somebody, I had one of those made in a brother-in-law of mine,

turned it into like a chia pet thing where he planted, you know, this bush inside of my head. I like that. Yeah. That was the scared. I'd never been so scared. Do you ever look back on things that could have happened? but didn't happen

and there's something in my head right now that I cannot shake and this happened maybe four years ago I was on a precipice over the ocean kind of rocky you know in and out a little high up

high up maybe it was in point two and oceans down below with rocks and I'm flying a drone flying a drone and I started backing up and I'm kind of trying to find

I'm backing up and I was like this close to the edge and because I have a creative imagination to this day I picture myself falling off of that thing and what if I took one more step back and I can't shake that maybe I need to go back there and relive.

No, no, don't do that. I had so many near misses as a kid. I used to climb trees and I remember falling down, I don't know, 30 feet maybe falling down and the branches were kind of catching me on the way down. So it wasn't like a 30-foot, blam.

It caught me, and then the last eight feet, I landed on my back. But my, like, eight inches from my head on one side was this boulder, and the other side was a metal steak for some reason. It had been driven out of the ground. And there are just so many things that are just like. I know.

I know. Did you read that book, it's called, I think, The Anxious Generation, It talks about how the generation now is anxious because they're always on their devices. They're risk adverse, right? Because they're not climbing trees like you did or riding bicycles.

They're all inside playing video games and not taking any chances and nobody's making them take a chance. And that's another reason about the hiking thing. It's good to get away from all that and get outside and take some risks, you know. That was a big talking point in the things I was reading about the Appalachian Trail Conservancy

was the mental health aspect of it. And there's so much of people either undiagnosed or not treating it in this country. And as simple as taking hikes, being in nature. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of distractions in life, too. Maybe you've had the same thing, I hope so. I hope so.

You know, it's something that goes wrong with me. I like to talk to other people. And I like them to say, oh, I get that all the things. time. You know what I mean? That makes you feel good. It does. Yeah. Oh, I get that. That's nothing. So I poured a glass of milk and took the milk and went away. Probably had some cookies. And I go back to the milk. I can't find the milk. I tell you know where the milk is? That should be in the refrigerator. I can't find it. I'd go to get another glass out of the cupboard. I'd put it in the covered with the other glasses. That was the first time it happened. I didn't tell anybody.

Yeah. I took it out and I go, ooh, that's not good. Put your refrigerator. Wait until you get a little older. I'm almost 78. And I'll, if I'm, you know, if my mental health and my anxiety level is good. Yeah. It's acceptable. Then I, I pretty much remember why I went into this room. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But, but you're always questioning. Did I, I legitimately just have a lot on my mind, or is this welcome to my new life? So I, about six months after that, I'm on the road somewhere, and my wife sends me a video. The video is going down the cupboards, and then she opens the glass covers. The milk is back in there.

That's great. And, you know, that's not the only thing. I mean, there's other things going on, too. like I'll leave the car running because I had an electric car and it's quiet and you get out just you know and so then there's the hybrid car who's quiet too yeah and I get out and my wife again in the morning goes um you left the car running all night I said yeah yeah you're right I did you left the stone on uh yeah but it's just on small it's the pilot yeah people used to heat their houses by leaving it out it's nothing's going to happen so I was doing this benefit for

Alzheimer's, and there's a lot of neurologists there. And I said that when I told that one about the milk, when she goes, look, in this world, there's so many distractions. I say, yeah, right? Yeah, there's distractions.

He goes to the cell phones. Yeah, that's right. And so I went out and thinking, okay, that's good. I was just distracted, that's all. It's like when you walk into a party and somebody hands your glass of wine. You haven't even had a sip yet

and you knock it over by something happens in the while at fault. Everyone in the party turns and looks and goes, oh, Ted, yeah, really hammered, you know. And if you do this, your Alzheimer's, dementia's, right around the corner. My wife wanted me to go see a neurologist to see if I had dementia. We did that. We did that because we went, no, what we're reading is you can do things to be preventative.

You can exercise your brain. You can brush your teeth with the other hand instead. You do things that aren't habitual. Do things that surprise you and you don't know how to do. Learn a language. Play a violin, even if you can't. I tried to learn a language. It didn't happen.

Three years. No. Three years. Spanish with a woman in Mexico, city, twice a week. Because I always thought, I'm learning Spanish. I don't care, you know, what age I'm out right now, I'm going to learn it. And people always go, why are you learning now? It's almost like, you're going to be dead soon, right?

Yeah. I said, I want to learn it. And, you know, the problem is I didn't have a lot of time to study it. So I was just doing the classes. Three years later, I said, you know what, I'm going to take a break, you know. How are you with jokes? Jokes? I don't know any jokes, per se.

How are you with your story, the order of your stories that you're telling? When you do stand-up. I'm good. I've been doing it for 46 years. Right. Because they didn't get that job on Cheers. So fuck it. I had to.

Yeah. I did, and my brain's going. Yeah. Do you know that the postman, John Ratzenberg? John Ratsenberg, yes. We went to the same college, and he got thrown out of the college. Really? Yeah, Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I don't think he'd tell me that. No, he's embarrassed about that. I don't know what he got thrown out for, but then he went out to tell me how he I guess, you know, developed those little packaging things, like sitting at the bar. The little cardboard crinkly things, like an accordion.

For packing, so there wouldn't be all the plastic and stuff. Just sitting at the bar, cheers. He just had nothing else to do. It went into production, and they did really well. Yeah. Cizzle pack.

Is that the name of his company? Yeah. I love that. I mean, I don't like wasting paper, but the one thing I, I cannot, this is like my biggest pet peeve, you open a box and they got that styrofoam peanuts. Can't stand. They fall everywhere and they stick together.

You can't get them off. Yes. And it's like, I don't, I don't even want what's in the box. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Put those paper sizzles in there. He's an interesting guy.

I love him. Yeah, I haven't seen him a long time. We did, I think, Woody, you notice Woody's not here. I love Woody. I do too. Have you ever worked with him? Oh, Saturday Live. He was hosting once.

Yeah. And this is, I always remember this. I'm in the makeup room. I'm watching, you know, come back from a commercial, and I see Woody sitting at a desk at the classroom. And he's just flipping the pencil around. Somebody comes in and they go, you're in this sketch. You're supposed to be, you're supposed to be a right now.

And he just filled on the pencil. He knew I wasn't there. So I had to crawl into the cameras, right, and get up and climb into my desk. And that was like the only time that's ever really happened to me. but one of my favorite sketches with what he was I wrote this one he was in the hospital recovering

as a soldier and all you could do is see is his face and he goes doc how am I doing you're going to be right? I said yeah you're going to be alright but the bad news is you lost the leg what about my other

other leg is okay gone both gone anyway it went on and on until the only thing left was his face And I would hand him a cigarette. All gone. Likes, gone, arms, you know.

But yeah, he's great. Did you learn lines? Yes. Are you you into the cue cards? Me too. No, I don't like cue cards. Yeah. I see it a lot.

You know, and it kind of disappoints me because anybody could do that if you're reading off the cards, you know, and they're just on the cards. I mean, not everybody does. But I look back at our cast. It wasn't a lot of, like, going off the cards. Charlton Heston did it. He hosted once. I did it with that.

But we held the tablet for him. Lines were on the tablet. But anyway, yeah, we would learn the lines. And I understand how in between the shows on SNL, they make changes. So sometimes, you know, you're not sure what they change, so you kind of rely. But there's a way of looking at the cute cards

that's really... See, I was a good cheater in high school. Yeah. So I kind of know how to look at things without being noticed. And who was it? Dabney Coleman was on once. Oh, God, I miss him.

What a wonderful actor. Oh, yeah, he was great. He was a campfire scene. And he goes, can you just keep moving the cute cards around? So I'll be like looking around and I could just read it that way. I thought, that's pretty clever.

I like that. And Phil Harmon would be always give instructions to the host, cards how to find them and there was three you know one here one here one here so you always knew you could look anywhere so um that's definitely an art yeah it is yeah it would throw me into panic i did uh soap operas in new york when i first got there and that was back when it was almost live but not quite that's when you had to learn a lot of lines yeah like a 10 pages of actors nightmare and you got them the night before yeah yeah that's when they delivered them to your house on the

doorstep. Yeah. They used to have either cue cards or those little teleprompter, scroll like things or whatever. And I'd be doing kind of okay. I've got my lines. And then peripherally, you see the three union guys holding whatever is they're holding. And this guy was holding a teleprompter. All of a sudden, I see him look at it, turn around, shake it.

And I'm gone. You know, it's like, oh. Horrible. I never got past panic in soap operas. What soap operas were you on? Somerset. Yeah. Somerset. And the doctors for a few days. The doctors. You were a patient that died? No, I was the expert reassuring the parents, you know, and I was trembling and pouring

sweat, and they were very calm about their daughter who was dying. Why is it that whenever somebody comes across someone on the street that's dying or in a hospital, they always are going to be okay? You're all right. to be okay. For my sake, you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. Yeah.

And they die before they can even say the K. You're going to be okay. So wait, you're on the road now? I'm touring right now. I have a special coming out. It's called Loose in the Crotch. I know. I love that.

You like that? And that'll be out soon. And I'm touring. I'm doing a lot of stand-up. I'm doing that hiking show. And I'm an artist. Oh, God. Are you an artist? Seriously, somebody in the notes that said caricatures, and they're not, they're way beyond that. They're really wonderful. I love doing it. I've been doing caricature work since I was a kid, but never to this level. You know, I was just do a quick doodle of, you know. And over the years, I just started doing more and more. And right before the pandemic, I would go on the internet, on Instagram, and I would see some of these amazing artists doing caricatures. I thought, I never even went that for.

far so i started kind of studying them and um started drawing and practicing and and um just got to that point they're not i mean because character caricatures usually in my mind take some aspect of some feature and make it silly and big and you go oh yeah yours are really i don't know i'd be proud to have a caricature of me look like what you do i mean it's it's their art they're not silly. They're not making fun of or simple. There's subtle kind of exaggerations. I started doing this a year before the pandemic and also throughout the pandemic. And I found that it was really rewarding for me because as a stand-up, you know, you get

laughs. You make people happy. You get laughs. This was a non-verbal way of getting laughs. I would post it on Instagram and people would love it and they would get a kick out of it and they would laugh at it. Do, what is the medium? It's a mixed medium.

it's sketch and then I do a whackum which is a digital and then I paint with what oil or acrylic yeah so there are hard copies everything you've done is yeah and how big is it how big are you um it's I can make prints too and put them on canvas so that's what I do uh and I haven't done any in like a year because I when I did that book I was so burnt out from doing so many I've done a couple like, you know, friends that wanted something done. I did their father or whatever. But as far as a celebrity, I'm working, I'm getting, starting to go with Billy Joel.

It's my next one. Do you see that documentary? No, I haven't, yeah. I saw the first half, it's really good. Yeah. Really good. I'll send you a list of movies to watch. Don't worry about it.

I haven't. Do you have a, do you keep notes in your phone? Like, do you have the note app? I do. I use that all the time. I got like 8,000. notes and one of my notes is movies to watch that I hear from friends recommending them and uh and I got a slew of them and then I and then I have another place that I save in my

Instagrams where films that directors recommend you know because you know so do you go back and yeah I'll try to because you know sometimes you sit down in front of the TV and go what can I know you can't think of anything and you're scrolling through everything and it's like when there was Blockbuster. Remember Blockbuster? I did. It was so overwhelming. You walk in there and there's like, and I usually ended up renting something I already saw already. Yeah. And then you were grateful when you, this little envelope and it said Netflix on it and you take the one little envelope home and do it and then you mail it. It was easier.

I thought that was the most ridiculous thing. I don't want to mail something back and forth, you know? Yeah. That place is not going to be open very long. No. Do you think if you have a garage in your house, it increases your chances of inventing something? Because people always seem to develop things in their garage. Like Jeff Bezos, I think, came up with Amazon's garage, Netflix. We don't invent. We turn all of our garages into another room.

Have you ever had a car in a garage? Never. Me neither. They've wasted space. I've never had it. Get that garage door off of there. And I won't own a card that if I ding the door against some tree or something, I'm going to get upset. I grew up in a home.

My father's an aeronautical engineer and my mother's housewife. And there's five of us kids. And it wasn't a huge house, but my father designed it and built it with two off-duty firemen. so the sprinklers are great in the house by the way so um the garage never had a car in there there was a freezer for you know extra stuff that we had room for yeah and then there was just junk junk and my brother had a carmangea in there that was trying to change the look of by putting a lot of bondo on the outside trying to make it look like some new kind of car and just sat there We weighed like 800,000 pounds with all the bondo on it.

Never, and junk everywhere. And I would clean it out like every, maybe once every eight months. I'd clean it out because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even walk through there. So I cleaned it out and cleaned it. And to this day, if there's something out of place in our garage, I just, I can't have it. I can't have it. So we've moved a few times in the last few years.

So there were so many boxes in the garage. And I said, we got to go through this stuff. Because a lot of this stuff, we're just moving from house. house and I went through it and I got rid of so much stuff I got rid of so much stuff and um but things start accumulating again you know it's like stuff is not as hard as pieces of paper or photographs that go back to your childhood you know right that box takes you two days and a you know choking back tears as you go through it kind of the forces yes court cases Well, I will tell you that I did go through the photo albums and, you know, I was divorced once before and there's like pictures that I don't want to look at anymore, you know, but I decided that, especially after the fires, I'm, they're scaling down on things, you know, so I don't want to lose stuff.

So I scanned all the physical pictures. There's a company, the companies that'll do it. You send them the hard copies. You send them in they. Yeah. scan it. And it's like 49 cents a picture. So that becomes a lot of money. And I did half of them.

But you're looking through them, you're thinking, well, this is close enough to this picture. I don't need this one. Right. This one is just, because when you have kids, too, it's like, I've never saw my kid from, not from behind the camera growing up. It was always, it used to be, it used to be me, me, me, me, me, me,

then he was born, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, me. And now he's off to college. And now it's like, me, me, me, me, me. But, yeah, it really, I do have a problem with clutter. But I will tell you, I have compassion for people that are hoarders. I was stopped at a stoplight. And I looked at the woman across me in her car. She was a hoarder.

She had things stacked up behind her on the dashboard. I don't know how she even saw. But then I saw on her right side, on top. Hop to some box, I saw a package of Pepperidge Farm, Double Chocolate Molano Cookies, my favorite. And I thought, well, she's okay. She's not that bad. She's got something. Yeah, I can understand that.

So you grew up Catholic. I was, yeah, I was Catholic. So as to notice, Catholic, you went to church every? I went to church every Sunday, but we never got there on time. You had to get to the before the communion. otherwise it wouldn't count that's going to church. Was it a family affair?

No, my mother's Protestant. By the way, I just found out I have a half-brother. Wow. Yeah. Walk me through that. That just found out part. About a year and a half ago. You know, I'm on 23 of me, but I never check it

because in the beginning, you know, it's like, hey, I think I've got a second cousin that's related to once removed cousin. I don't have time for that, right? So my sister's still on it, and she gets, a message from a woman that says, hey, I think we have somebody a relative in common.

And this woman researched it more, and it comes back to my sister, my father's name, and then her father's name under it. So her father is my half-brother. And so my sister didn't know what to tell us, how she would react, we would react to it, because my father, he's like the greatest guy,

still is, you know, didn't really affect us. But we were all amused by it. That's crazy. And this was before he got married, a month before. Right. And so this guy is... So it was okay news for the whole family.

Yeah, we were fine with it. But for him, it was devastating. Because he woke up, all of a sudden, those siblings aren't his full siblings. The father is not his biological father. Right. And now he's got this other family that he doesn't know that are you know half and so he kind of got through that and we started communicating with him

and and emailing and talking and then he eventually came to see me in san diego as performing down there and we hung out and he brought a handkerchief because he thought he might get overwhelmed by you know not my material but by being you know in my presence and he even said once he goes kev now i haven't said anything about this to anybody because you know i don't want the i'm sure the paparazzi and everything i said dan you don't need to worry about the paparazzi anymore In fact, I encourage you. Put it out there. By the way, a friend of mine, I don't know if you get this.

A friend of mine, I do a TV, a radio show in Austin, like once a year. He's like the Howard Stern of Austin. And we usually go out to have lunch afterwards. The last time I was there a couple years ago, he goes, I don't know if you noticed that, but I've noticed that you're not getting recognized as much anymore. I said, you know what? I didn't think about that, but you're right.

It was a gradual boiling water. water. You get that? I do. I go, I can, because of a show called The Good Place. Yes. And young people watch that. So I have a little new crowd of younger folks. Or I get people, you should, you should do something. You should get back to work. Is Ted Danza still alive? I get those tests. Or the elevator. I got one today. Oh, you were in? And I started, I fell into the trap of naming what they might be thinking. Right. About four down the list, we finally got it. And it was like, I knew we could do it.

There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the half-brother, you know, we started kind of figuring out what it was. His father never knew. My parents never knew. They've all passed. And the mother, who was 97, the grandmother, the woman who found, you know, she went to her and said, I really want the truth. is Emmett, Neeling, your son.

Well, I was with him for one night, and it's possible. It's a one-night thing. Wow. And this woman, they grew up in the Bronx, and she used to live across the street with her family. And this is not complicated, but it sounds complicated. Her sister married my father's brother.

So there was connection with the families. and so Dan my brother would say I would go to these reunions because you know we're all part of the family that connection right there and I would see dad it was weird having him say dad because it's like that's your dad too yeah I would see him there I thought this guy's really cool

I like this guy you know and I'd see him a few times there and then he comes to find out that was his father you know and at first I thought well did we need to bring that out in the open. I mean, it wouldn't have been better just to let it go because everybody's kind of gone now.

But I think for his sake, it needed to be out. And I think for ours, too. We have family members, in-laws, that found out, same thing, he wasn't married, and so it was all, excuse me, it was all in the up and up,

but he didn't know about it. Yeah. And they are now, they're like family, you know. Really? has grandkids now with... Yeah, I mean, they are family, right? I mean, this, my brother Dan lives in San Diego.

I've lived out for 45 years and never knew he was that close, even. And he's a month older than my sister. And what happened was my father got back from Okinawa. This good-looking guy, you know, in the Bronx. And he had met my mother before, but he went back to Okinawa. And finally, he came back, and she was in Washington at the Pentagon, and working as a secretary for a general there so he would write her letters every day please come back i'm home you know and she's kind of pursuing her career and she went the modeling school too

and so the letters became less and less and then one night um he was kind of mourning the loss of his brother in korea who was married to this woman's sister he was killed by a sniper so he's kind of mourning that she had a fight with her husband for like four days so she came over i don't know if they had a couple of drinks, but it happened that night, and that was that. And then my mother came back from Washington, and they went up to Maine and got married a month later. I don't know if, I don't know if she was pregnant by my father, so they decided to get married back then, you know, you get married if you're pregnant. And then they moved to St. Louis for my father went to school. So that was the whole gist of it. And this guy, Dan, this guy, my brother Dan,

He looks more like my father than we do. He reminds me of one of my uncles when we were growing up at the reunions. You know, you see them all the cigars. So, yeah, so that was an interesting kind of piece of pie. And then I start thinking, maybe there's other ones out there. You know, because back then nobody really used protection, right? You're asking me? Yeah, back then.

What did you do back then? I hoped and prayed and found no need. You gave me the craziest look. I don't know what you're talking about. But he was in France for like seven months because he was in the merchant marines too, and the whole other ship cracked on the English channel, so they had to dock there until they got fixed for seven months.

I've seen home movies in Okinawa, black and white, you know, the home movies, no sound. And there's geisha girls walking behind them with the fans. So I'm thinking, I don't know, man. I should look at 23 again, 23 of me. Yeah. Which is now a dating site, by the way. Was that you?

Before you got married, were you all over the place? Did you have many loves? I mean France and stuff? No, no, many loves. No, I didn't. I was really shy. I did not date throughout high school. I didn't date in college.

Yeah. I was just, I was, I was timid. I was, I did not, I guess I didn't want to be rejected. Yep. If they kissed me, I got married, basically. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and also I was always, because I was raised Catholic, I was always instilled that if you got someone pregnant,

it's going to ruin your life at this age. It'll ruin your life. So I was so worried about getting somebody pregnant. I eventually lost my virginity to an elf. I was in the department store, Santa Claus. That's the chapter in the book. I lost my virginity. So that was in San Diego.

And then I lost a little bit more of it in San Francisco. And then a little bit more of it in Stanford. Well, I don't know if I want to get this, but as far as, you know, I was raised Catholic, but it wasn't like a stringent kind of a Catholic, you know, and I love Christmas and stuff. But I think I'm at that point now where I'm kind of like agnostic, you know. As far as the God thing, what is your, what's your center, though, your moral center, your guiding light kind of thing? Is it your wife?

You're talking to your wife? Money. It's money. Money. Yeah. Okay. We all can understand that now. We have a good example.

No, it is, it is, you know, I'm better than, I think I'm a good person. And it's, you know, I think you, you're raised, my parents raised me, right? Yeah. My son is great. So I do think religion is good because it gives you hope and it gives you something to hold on to when you're going through hard times and prayer and all that. But I think the longer I live, scientifically, I think that it's a long. shot, you know? I listen to some of these people that talk about it and very knowledgeable about it. Like there's 300,000 religions, but your religion is the right one. Well, that's the

insanity. That's the insanity. Because it's a, faith is this living pathless kind of thing, I think. But again, I am all four people having faith because it helps them get through difficult times. for me i don't i i really and i never thought i'd say this because i grew up you know in that in that religion but i it makes sense to me now that and any kind of how did the world start how did this all what was first you know i don't think we're even capable of comprehending that or what or even maybe there wasn't even what it was first you know it's just too we're just we're such minuscule yeah that's yeah you know this huge universe and all the

universes. And we think we have the answer. I know. My dad was an archaeologist. He was? Yeah. I grew up around, you know, as little. Three, four. Now, when you say an archaeologist, did he have a metal detector? And that's what he did.

Yeah. No, he was the real deal. Digging holes in the ground and finding stuff. Villages and people and things. I love that stuff. Yeah. This was in Tucson. But anyway, I had my share of skulls and bones and all of that surrounding my growing up. And it was kind of a clear, I played hard with my friends, so I didn't soak this up.

But it came back to me over the years that there's a lot that's come before us and a lot that will come after us. This time's not about you. It's about your stewardship of what you've been given, which brings us back to the Appalachian Trail, which you're I seem to know so much about. Oh, my God. It's a great trail. I am actually going to audition and take that away from you. I think I should be the spokesperson.

They're looking for someone older still. I'm sorry, Mr. Eland, but, you know, we need somebody who actually hiked on the trail. Oh, that ain't me? Sorry. Yeah. But you're a hiker, aren't you? You don't like that? We walk, 45-minute walks up and down hills.

You and Mary? Yeah. Where do you live? Underneath where you used to live in the palace that we're... I mean, I need the exact address. Oh, your fire was that? Yeah. Did you get hit with the fire?

No, we got hit with the smoke. We were all out for like three months, but we were very lucky, very blessed. You know, it really makes you aware of what is valuable to you in life when there's a fire coming your way. Like, we were in the evacuation warning zone, and I was out of town at the time. This is Palisades, though, right? Yeah. My wife was in Palm Springs with our son. and I see what's happening

that we're in the evacuation zone now, warning. So I called, my friend, I said, would you do me a favor? Would you run up to the house and get those five external drives and that Gibson guitar, you know? Gibson guitar. The next day, the fire is not there yet,

but it's getting a little closer. I said, we go back and get that fender guitar and that mechanical pencil on the table. It got less and less valuable each time. There was an apple I left on the counter And oh, oh, the cup, open the cupboard, don't be a glass of milk. There's a gallon of milk in the cupboard. But, but, yeah, so now I, I know what's valuable to me now.

Yeah. And I keep it by the door. And we also have the evacuation kits. We have the fire kit, the earthquake kit, you know, food in it. The one that it's like 120 pounds and you killed yourself trying to get it off the shelf. We got a little radio that you want. mind up because it doesn't require energy, electricity, and

I've been eating out of that earthquake thing. Like, sometimes we're not having food in the refrigerator. All we have left, I think, is a can of tuna in there. But I'm not telling her that. She'll find out. We'll never get out of the house anyway. Come on. What do you do when you

finish your set and you're in? Well, you know, I've been touring with Adam Sandler lately. and after that, it's like 11.30 at night. It's restaurants, steakhouses, big meals. He's not that much younger than us. So what the fuck?

How can he get away with that? He plays basketball every day. So what I do typically is I've been doing it a long time, and I used to kind of maybe go out to clubs afterwards, you know. But now I spend most of the time at the hotel. I don't go to the mall and see a movie because there's Netflix and things, you know. And also, I edit a lot. I edit those hikes, and I paint and I draw, and I use the gym.

So it's really everything I need. And usually, sometimes there's people in town that I know. And they always invite me to their house. I don't want to go to somebody's house. I want room service. I don't want to stay there. I don't have to make my bed. Yeah.

You know? So that's pretty much what I do. And I read. The time you wake up. This is silly, but I can't imagine doing theater or anything that takes place creatively after this morning too i woke up at 5.30 this morning yeah and i was out uh doing stand-up last night i don't need a lot of sleep um but i just need patient people because i'm not awake and i don't what i'm talking about

but i only need like five or six hours of sleep how about you i get up early six is cutting it but six is what i guess is good i think the older you get the less sleep i know your body says move Your body is saying, hey, you only got so much time left. You want to get up or do you want to sleep through it? I know something you don't. Get up. Yeah. Yeah.

When you get to a certain age, you really start kind of thinking, you know, what really makes me comfortable is seeing these guys like Mick Jagger. You know, and Paulson, all these guys that are into the 80s now, they're still rocking it before. You know, when we were growing up, that was like you're in a retirement home then, you know? Stay creative. guessing. Stay creative and keep moving. Stay engaged. I keep telling my father when he was older. I said, Dad, you've got to keep moving. But there comes a point where you can't move anymore. Tell me about Susan, or do you guys not talk about each other? Which Susan? Fuck, did I just get your wife's name wrong? Yeah, that's her name. Susan is amazing. We've been

married for 20 years. Met? How? Oh, it's a good question. I have been divorced for three years. Right. and I was wondering if I would ever have children again. You know, I always wanted children. I never had children before, not with my ex-y. And I was hosting a show at the time called The Conspiracy Zone, where we know we dealt with different conspiracies. And my friend, John Henson, invited me to be a guest on this talk show pilot.

So I got there a little bit late, and it was me and Kevin James and Ray Romano as the guest. And I got there late. The show had started already, and I go into the makeup trailer, and Susan is sitting in the chair right there. Bored. She was like the comedic fashion correspondent for the show. Bored. I see her. And like I said, on the way over, I'm thinking, I wonder if I, you know, I'll love her have kids. And because I knew that. Seriously. You heard that thought. Yeah. And I, because I knew that actors, you know, women can adopt a kid, single women could adopt a child. And you hear

about that all the time. Can an actor, a guy do that? So I go past her. I say hi. I think she's cute. And two chairs down is my makeup artist. I sit in there. And I said to her, I said, You know, you hear about women adopting a kid, single women. Can a guy that single adopt a kid? And she kind of looked, says it looked. She thought it was either the best pickup line or the worst pickup line. And we just hung out that night. You know, they were running behind.

We had a lot of laughs. And I invited her to come out and have drinks with all of us that night. She goes, I wish I could, but I get up early in the morning. What she didn't tell me was she had to go home and break up with her boyfriend. On again, off again, boyfriend. Do you think as a result of your conversation? Yeah. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, totally, yeah. I mean, this was not a true boyfriend. It was on again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nevertheless. So she told me this later. She goes, do you know, I went home and I recently called my mother. I said, Mom, I just meant the man I'm going to marry.

Wow. And I went home and I told my wife, I said, hon, I just met the one I'm going to leave you for. But that's how I met her. Yeah. Yeah. And then we got. We got married in Bellagio in Italy on Lake Como. It was beautiful.

And that's a story in itself. I'm divorced, but the settlement is not complete. Been there. You happen? Yes, literally. Oh, really? Yeah. You've been to Belasio?

No. So I'm trying to keep it on the down low. I got engaged, right? We go off to, it's just me and her. We go off to Italy. we stay in the coma for a few days then we take the boat over to Belasio I'm thinking this is great

nobody's going to know if there's a settlement it'll be great we show up to that little library in that plaza and they had the mayor there with a sash on and we hired we gave 20 euros

to two local people to witness it, sorry and we're getting married and as we getting married I look out the window and there's a throng of photographers out there. And also there's a photographer

inside and nobody knows who he is. And he's got a camera. And I come out and I, there's not a picture. I said, what happened was Matt Damon was there like a couple months before looking for a place to get married.

They heard an American celebrity was coming to get married. So they thought it was Matt Damon. They all took the boats over to the Bellagio. Oh, you mean like a crap load of photographers? Oh, a lot of photographers. Yeah.

You know. Matt Damon photographers. Yes. That level. And I come out and they're taking pictures and I am not Matt Damon. I'm not Matt Damon. And we're walking down and, you know, the people in the restaurants are throwing as flowers and the photographers are taking pictures.

And I'm like, horrified. I'm like, this is going to be a real costly wedding. and we wake up the next morning we're sitting by the lake in a cafe and this guy next to us reading in the Italian newspaper and there's a picture of us on the front and it says non-Adam Matt Damon

I still have that paper by the way and of course she found out yeah and it was an expensive wedding it was an expensive wedding yeah but it was beautiful yeah how wonderful so anyway yeah so the Conservancy 100th anniversary of the

The trail is still there after 100 years. Do you know, I see, damn it, I wish you had been like their spokesperson for years because like I want to know how many people actually died? They're called, no, they're called through hikers. People do the whole thing. I wonder, because a lot of people go do. Segments of it. Virginia or did it or whatever.

Yeah, I don't know. But it's something I should have told you before. I did this hiking show on YouTube, hiking with Kevin. I was doing a hike three days before the fire, hit Will Rogers. And I'm doing a little intro. And I'm just walking and the leaves look like it was autumn. And I was just talking about the trees. I'm saying, what are the odds that these trees would all still be here in 2025?

Wow. And sure enough, three days later. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you, so you, I read you were like the honorary mayor of, That's right. You were not in the fire zone, but you must have been burned. Our house that we used to own there burned down. Uh-huh.

And then we had another house we bought up in the highlands. Right. It was the only house left in the cul-de-sac. But, you know, smoke damage. Are you there? Are you back there? No, I mean, we didn't, we sold that one, too. We got out of there a couple years ago, you know, before the fires.

But, yeah, that was a, it's like Pompeii. I know. I haven't yet, to be honest. I haven't yet driven through. Oh, I did. I did. And the views are amazing now without the houses.

You can see the mountains and the ocean. But it's really surreal to go up there and to see that. And now I guess they've kind of cleared out all the lots and they started building. Right. I have so many friends. I'm sure you do.

Wow, you must, having lived there. Yeah, a lot of people. Oh, I want to ask you one thing about the archaeology thing and then I'm going to let you go. Oh, that's right. It's your show. Why do they have to dig these things up? How did they get buried over the years with dirt and, you know? Some of the cultures would build on top of each other.

Oh, really? So, you know, they'd tear down and build on top. So there's that, then there's just, yeah, I don't know, erosion, mudslides, whatever. Yeah. But a lot of them, like in southern. in the four corners area of the southwest are cliff dwellers. They would, you know, there'd be these erosions along a certain strata of these box canyons or whatever that the rain would erode.

So they would have these roofs, natural roofs over their head, and they would carve steps up from the, you know, to protect themselves, they'd live in the cliffs. They'd go down these carved out steps to farm down by the water or whatever. right right so it depends but yeah that's interesting i always wondered that why um yeah why couldn't they just there's a great um app or instagram thing um that shows you know present day sites and then what it looked like before oh i i i have to go what is it i love that i have it somewhere i'll let you know what is yeah you better and then with the ai they also show it's like like a moving it's people on chariots going down the streets and stuff and you know i love that stuff me too i love the whole new york new york series yeah before i'm new york manhattan became manhattan

yeah yeah yeah but um yeah i love that stuff um i'll have to find out where that is and let you know like you know what did this studio look like before conan ruined it oh yeah is he's still in the, oh, he's a horrible man, horrible man. I tried to block him in, but... He's actually, how long have you known him? I mean, clearly... Forty years? One of the sweetest, funniest, nicest people I know. I don't

really know him that well. I was on a show a handful of times. Obviously, you don't know him that well. Yeah, because he's a dick. That's a facade he puts up. You know, he's fooled a lot of people, but I know the real Conan O'Brien. No, he is a nice guy. He's a sweet guy. Yeah. So are you,

Kevin. Thank you very much. How are you? Nice to talk to you. You too. Thanks for having me. Thank God you didn't get cheers. Seriously. Your life would be so fucked up. And you would have been doing soap still? Yeah, because I'm not a funny guy.

I would not be doing stand-up. You were very funny in that show. And it wasn't just the writers. No, we were all good. That was the best show ever. Thank you. Okay, buddy. Travel safely.

I will. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin Neeland. I really enjoyed that. It was like meeting an old friend when you didn't know you had. If you took anything away from our talk, please let it be the reminder to protect the Appalachian Trail for future generations. Take a moment right after this episode to sign the petition at take a hike petition.org. That's it for our show this week. Special thanks to our friends at. Team Coco. If you enjoyed this episode, send it to somebody you love. Subscribe on your favorite podcast app and maybe give us a great rating and a review on Apple Podcasts. If you're watching your podcast, all our full-length episodes are on YouTube. Visit YouTube.com slash Team Coco. See you next time where everybody knows your name. You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name

with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Leow. Our executive producers are Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer. Engineering and Mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grawl. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Jane Battista.

Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Yen, Mary Steenbergen, and John Osborne. No. No. Yeah. You know. ...heas. ...

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