Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson (sometimes) - Leslie Jones

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

This week Ted Danson tries keeping up with the hurricane of comedy and wisdom that is Leslie Jones! Leslie talks to Ted about her experiences working with SNL hosts, her love for the late John Ritter, her advice for young people who fear aging, why she feels she’s at the top of her standup game, and why she thinks she’d make a terrible president.    Like watching your podcasts?  Visit http://youtube.com/teamcoco to see full episodes.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If I did needlepoint, I would be needle pointing half of the things you said and hanging out of my wall. Jamie Fox said I'm a walking T-shirt. Welcome back to where everybody knows your name. I am very excited to be talking to the funny and fearless Leslie Jones today. Usually I meditate before these podcasts, but today I did some jumping jacks so that I had my heart pumping. You know her from five seasons as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, Ghostbusters, coming to America, maybe even her legendary Olympics commentary. She's currently touring in her new special called Leslie Jones Life Part 2 is streaming on Peacock Now. Here we go. Leslie Jones.

You know, we met. We did? We did meet. I walked into a room as a room full of celebrities, and it was some sort of, I don't know, we were from all of us. Maybe or? No, no, something. We were all selling something or whatever.

And I walked into the room and you did the meeting that you just gave me, which was so embracive and you just went, ah, and you were so sweet. And I was so chuffed. I walked around for the rest of the evening. going, oh my God, I am a somebody. And then I saw you do it to a few other people who walked in the exact same move. And I thought, fuck. Fuck.

I don't do it to everybody. Trust me. I do it to only the people that I want to give love to. You should see the people. I'll be like, hey, nice to meet you. I love, I love, I'm not putting words in your mouth, but I love funny, talented people. Oh, thank you. I hug people all the time because being part of this funny tribe, I'm on the different.

I'm on the outskirts of the funny tribe. No, you're a comedic beast. I've been around comedic beast like writing, and I'm good with funny writing and all of that. But the stand-up world, the Saturday Nightlife world is a different. I don't know. I think you would kill them. Have you ever been a host on S&S? Yeah, yeah.

Did you? Yes. I was there your first day. No. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I was there and it was the scariest thing I'd ever done.

Yeah. When they asked you, how was it? How was it? And it was like I had jumped off a building and somehow lived. Yeah. Somehow. Because that's exactly what it feels like every week. Yeah.

And we never know, too, when the, when the host come in, what their thing is, like how much they can stand, how funny they want to be, how far they want to take it. We don't know until we start pitching to them. And you could tell by the pitches if they laugh, or they don't laugh, or they just don't laugh. But none of the pitches, then we're just like, okay, so now we've got to ask them what they like. What were you looking forward to do here? And then we try to take that, make that funny. And then most of the time, a lot of people don't come in with any.

anything and then we just do, Lauren pushes us toward what we need to write for them. I think the people who come in who have, they know their own comedic voice, their stand-ups or their whatever, the Zach Allifan acts, they know what they can

and should be doing. I'm assuming that they come in prepared, or is that? Some, like, Zach, Zach will be like, he, you could tell doing the pitch like, he'll like this, he'll be like, oh, that's funny. Ooh, that's funny. But we have some people that'll be like,

Uh-huh, okay, uh-huh, and we'd be like, oh, shit, she's not responding to nothing, or he's not responding to nothing. Like, so then that's when the smart people come in, the smart writers come in and go, okay, this is what we're going to do for them. And the people that do come prepared, we change their whole sketch because we know what they want. We know what you're trying to do with this sketch. And then, like, I had Emma Thompson when I was pitching, I was getting ready to pitch to her. And she was like, I don't care what we do as, it's not. longer as me and you are fighting. I was like, Emma, you just met me.

What the hell? And she's like, no, I just want to beat the hell out of you. And I was like, okay, all right, we'll write something for you to beat the hell out of me. And it's just fun. Oh, I got to see this. Oh, my God, we did that. And it was like a three stooges type of thing because she was mess. And Lauren was like the whole time, he was like, he didn't like to sketch.

Because he was like, you're Leslie Jones. No one is going to beat you up. And I said, but this is like comedy. And Emma scares the shit out of me. Like, you know, she just, like the sketch that she did was, it was so good. It was so good. And I was like, no, somebody like Emma would scare me. And he was like, no, it's just not believable.

And I was like, we're going to do it. And we did it and everybody loved it. There was a couple of people that was like, I didn't like the white woman beating on you. I was like, go watch three stooges. Like, me and Tina Fey was so mad because we were like, so women can't be physical. Yeah. Like, we, which I just want to see us fighting in draws the whole time. So, and it was a really viable sketch.

It was like me, I was the cousin of the girl that was getting married to the prince. Yes. And I had to be taught like, so it was like, she's trying to teach me. The etiquette. Yeah, and it was like, one, so she was like, one to 12, four to, and I was like, one to 12, three to six. And she was like, and she would smack the thing out of my head. It was so funny. So funny.

By the end, she put pie in my face. Who doesn't laugh at pie in the face? That is like the original joke next to slipping on a banana. And both of them are still funny as fuck. If I say somebody slipping on a banana, I'm going to lose every bit of my shit. Oh, physical comedy. I don't care what situation is in I'm going to laugh at, the slipping on a banana. I didn't get that far in my hosting.

And I kept going every day. Do you have anything for me to look at for them? We will, we will. Saturday morning. And I'm so sorry. What about the table read? They had something for you at the table read, right? No.

You just read a whole bunch of... To be determined. Because I don't even remember a table read. Do you mean like the dress rehearsal? No, a table read. Wednesday, you sit down with all of the sketches, all 48 of the sketches written, and you read everyone. No, no, no.

Oh, you didn't... That must have been in a different time. Was Lauren there? Yes. Hmm. Wait. Eighty-nine. Maybe he wasn't there.

I got to hit him and ask him, y'all wasn't doing table reads and 89? Well, they didn't invite me to it. So maybe. Hilarious Ted. What the? But here's what happened. It was Mike Myers' first time, I think I've got this right, on camera. First time doing a big bit.

So he was playing on, for my podcast, I was. doing Ted hosting. And on a split stage, I couldn't see him, but the audience could see a stage in an alternate French universe. Yes. Where he was

very French and speaking fluent French and was wetting his pants because that was good French humor to get a laugh was you wet your pants in this alternative world. And so, I was doing the same thing and then wetting my pants.

But it was really Mike Myers' monologue. Monologue. Yeah. And I kind of was a handy prop. Like I was like, you're his co-star. Yes. Rightfully so. The dude was amazing.

Yo, what happened with Ted Fenton hosts? Because he might say he never hosted. He couldn't say. Oh, God. That would break my heart. I'd be like, oh my God, who's going to tell him? Okay, let's talk about your special just for a second, because I've been binging you for the last...

Really? Okay, which specials did you watch? I watched Life Part 2. Okay, so you haven't seen Time Machine? No, I haven't. Time Machine, I think it's still on Netflix. I think. I'm not sure.

I'm going in. Okay, I always tell people, and Problem Child, if you can find it. Problem Child was my first special. I like for people to see the graduation, because the next set that I'm doing, now, fire. I'm talking about... I watched fire.

No, it was... Okay, so there was so many things on that that we did it the night, the day after the election. I heard that. We made the stupid mistake. We just knew that she was going to win and everybody was going to be happy. So we scheduled it the day after election. And I'm telling you right now, I went as soon as we saw, I was like, oh, what, we were. And it was too in because I was going to.

It was like, can we push it back? It was just, so I was like, you know what? Your job is to be a comedian. Let's go. We have been working on that set for years. To me, I liked the set. I don't think it was the best version of the set. I'm so glad that I heard that, because I heard that,

I listened to you talking to somebody having an interview and it was a great interview, but you mentioned that. I'm so glad I watched it before I heard that, so it didn't color me because I was knocked out. Try what you did, yes. And let me tell you some of the things I absolutely fucking love is your use of your body. Physical comedy to me. I fell in love with Dick Van Dyke, you know, falling over.

John Ritter for me. John Ritter, yes. You also had Chris Rock prowl, the prowling the stage energy. And I loved like you made your body alone, what you did with it, non-stallel. movement and was just so joyful to me. I loved it. The other thing I loved was the audience went nuts for you. I know you said.

Because it's it's passion. When I first started doing comedy, I was like, let's figure out what it is that it's, it really is a thing that you just, how do you, you just, I can't explain it, but it's something that I know I'm sending happiness out. Yep. You know, even if I'm down, I'm bringing happiness out.

I'm bringing whatever's needed for the room. And now, right now, I'm pure joy. That's all I want to be now. It's pure joy. So if you're laughing, I want you to forget about everything you're thinking about, and I want you to come with me on a ride because that's what entertainment is. You just, just like when I watch TV, like, oh, my God, the show, wait a minute, The show when you was the God in heaven, like, oh, my God, I never remember.

You know what I'm talking about. Yes, the good place. Yes. Yo, my assistant wants to hug you for that because I turned her on to that. She watched it in two days. That's how good that. That show was so fucking good. And it made me feel so good.

That's what we do. I could just be in imagination land. And that's what I like people to do when they're watching me. It's just completely engrossed. And you can't stand still. and get that. Not to me. No, no, no, you can't. The other thing that you, when you watch a movie and thinking more about directors,

but it's true about actors and films or whatever, within 20 seconds, you know whether you're unsure hands or not and you can relax. You are so in command of the stage and what you're doing and your joy level and all of that, that the relaxation that happens when I watch that is, oh, I'm in really good hand. I'm in hands of a professional. Oh, she knows what she's doing. Yeah. That's, that is the best compliment ever.

Let me keep going. When you saw it, when they cut to the audience, they were, you know, having the best time laughing. You killed them. But what I saw, and this is what the mood I'm in nowadays, what I saw was community. You in that moment created community. You know, they are all there to love on and laugh with you and have a wonderful evening. And that's a sense of community. And I have a feeling because I haven't toured with you and seen you on tour.

But I imagine you do that. You go from place to place, commuting, making community, which nowadays is something that's my, new favorite word of something we so desperately need is community. We need to know that we're there for each other. You know, I've always been that way to tour and I always like to talk to the people, talk straight to the people. I always wanted to be the people's people, the, you know, the people's favorite. Because I am part of the people.

When I came into comedy, I just was like, I just want to make people laugh. That is it. I love when people laugh, you know. But I knew that there was going to be an important part for me to do as far as being a black woman also coming into a real masculine. It was very masculine when I came into it. It was not hardly any black female comedians that were. One yearish. Eighty-seven. 87 is right out of college. And I didn't have the same. I don't know. How can I, it's okay, let me be real with you. I came from Compton, you know, drug dealers, gang members,

crackheads, all kinds of stuff, seeing people get shot, all that. And then I step into a comedy club, other comedians are not going to intimidate me. Does that make sense? You're a fucking clown. I'll beat your ass. You know, that's how I started off.

Like, you're not going to treat me like the other women because I'll fuck you up. Like, oh, you can't tour with me unless you having sex with me. I wouldn't fuck you with my enemy's pussy. Sorry, I know you're going to have to cut all that. Oh, no. But do you get what I'm saying? Like, you're not going to talk to me.

Like earthquake used to say all the time He was like, you need to let me take you out. I'll feed you and I said, fuck off. Like, you know, I just, I've had a lot of comedians hit on me because I was a bad bitch when I came in. I was bad bitch, like beautiful, like long hair, all that. But I didn't have the same attitude as the other women. I was like, I'm supposed to be here.

I remember a comedian coming up to me telling me, how, why are you telling pussy jokes? That's not ladylike. And I said, who the fuck told you I was a lady? I said, I think you better step the fuck off. I was like, you talking about pussy, you shouldn't be telling pussy jokes. You got a dick. Now, I could see if you was complaining about my dick jokes, but you can't complain about my

pussy jokes. I'm like, A1 professional got a pussy. Like, and it's just like you have to, I came with that attitude. Anybody you asked as ever from my past will say, yeah, Leslie was always that girl. Because men, I hate to say it, they're chauvinness. They're chauvinous, especially the ones in that business when I was coming out there, just chauvinous. Oh, girls came. So when I came out, I performed like a dude.

They considered that performing like a dude because I was just, you know, I went on stage just as confident as another. And if you introduce me as a female comic, I'm going to beat your ass. Hey, y'all ready for a female? Oh, y'all ready for a unicorn? Y'all ready for a goat? Y'all ready for- Don't introduce me like that. You don't introduce the men like that. You don't say, hey, we're about to have a male comic.

No. I'm a fucking comic just like you, and I would go up there and rip that shit. So it's, I've always had the- And you came in that way. I came in that way because I had already been studying and didn't know it. I had already been studying. I had already listened to every Richard Pryor and Red Fox and Millie Jackson, and here come the judge, here come to judge, everybody get cuss, he comes to, I listened to everything.

I looked at everything. Buster Keaton was one of my favorite people just to watch his movement and the, just, all that. I already knew what I was going to be. I just had to work to get to that. I was good. I was already good. When I had the stage presence,

you see my first act, I had the stage presence, I had all of that. But what I needed was the jokes. You know, so I wasn't going to let nobody get in my way because that's how much I loved comedy. I'll tell you like this, people who was like, aren't you scared to do it?

I'm more scared not to do it. It scares me more not to go up then to go up. Does that make sense? No, 100%. 100%. Oh my God! I can't believe I'm sitting here talking to you.

This is insane. I usually, I thought before I, sometimes I go, I need to go meditate beforehand because my brain's all over the place. Just meditate. And I thought of between that before you came and I went, no, no, do jumping jacks, man. Do jumping jacks, man. Get your blood pumping, dude.

You can't be. be calm around me. See, I started getting hot too. We do need to do something someday. Man, I want us to do something like, and I want it to be physical. Well, I would do all the physical. Don't worry about it. Be gentle.

When you hugged me out there in the lobby. Did I hurt you? No, but you... But it felt good, you didn't it? You squished my right hearing aid into my ear and then a couple of my collarbones popped out. But other than that... Because I'm strong. You

I am strong. And can you believe I'm 58? Yeah. Well done. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry. No. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I know you're 58. No. I knew. Sorry. You know, I, nowadays, it's good to be a woman at 85. Yeah. My trainer, he only trains older clients. He has a 99-year-old client that be coming in there moving faster than me. Yeah. Going to his spots and stuff. stuff. You got to keep moving. And death is when you stop moving back. Yes. Don't you think, though, we're different, older people than our parents? Because my parents at 50 looked like they was, you know? Because they bought it, not bought into, they were hammered into 65, it's over. Now you can be a crone if you want. A crone is okay for you, but you can't still be hot. And that's crazy.

I know. And here's the thing that you do by doing what you do and also claiming 58 is you're, You're telling the younger girls out there in the world, there is no shelf life on your creativity and your ability to kick ass. How about there's no shelf life on life, period? I get so tired of talking to younger kids and they think that their life is literally over at 30. I was like, do you know what the fuck I was doing at 30?

Yeah, you got, you have everything. Y'all have everything at your fingertips right now. if you have the energy of our generation ain't no telling where now I'm not saying that they don't move smarter because they do move a little bit smarter than us but the work ethics should still be the same I understand that you're moving smarter

but still put that work ethic towards what you're doing because that's going to make it better don't get lazy don't come up with fake it till you make it oh let's do less work and get that no fuck all that then you make that type of product and people see it

it. People love me because it's real product. When I come out on stage, yes, there's people there that goes, oh, I know her from SNA, I know this, but then when they leave that motherfucker, they go, oh, but she's stand up too. Because I'm a stand up. You know, stop, stop this. I hate that phrase fake it till you make. I hate that shit. How about make it? How about just make it? Fuck that. Do the work. Build the foundation. It's just like the three little pigs, build a brick house, not a house of stick and sand. Fucking have a reason that people pick you. And yes, that takes a little bit longer, but I swear to God, I'm so glad that I stuck in

there because I am a samurai of my shit. I'm a samurai now. They have a lot of chatter going in their ears about how to make it, you know, what it means to be a man, what I mean, you know, how you should be, all of the crap on the internet that they have to sift through.

You know what bothers me is the 50-50 shit. I was like, do y'all not remember your parents? My mom and daddy brought both of their checks home and they paid all the fucking bills. So is that 50-50?

What are you talking about? It's like you don't have a mama. Do you don't have a mama? Like, what is wrong with these mugs? Yeah. And I'm not going to be, I don't want to be, I don't want to be fucked up and say this, but yeah, it's in the home. It's in the home. Like, you can't just

stick a fucking iPad in the kid's hand and expect him to learn the things he needs to learn. Women, talk to your boys about sex and stuff. Men talk to your daughters about sex. Those are the that not the father shouldn't be talking to sons. Y'all stupid. Y'all stupid as fuck. But you do know what men say, and that's the information you can give you. And this is why I tell parents all the time. your kid out there ununiformed, untrained, and not ready for battle, you're the problem. They're supposed to learn rejection from you. They're supposed to learn how to treat a woman or a man from you. That comes from the home.

Why would you not gear your child up with as much information as they can so they can be able to fight the forces outside? Why wouldn't you be the first person that teach them about sex and about their body? Why wouldn't you do that? So they don't learn from the wrong people. I'm sorry, this men need to go in there and talk to your son, like women. Yo, what do you know about your dick? What do you know about your dick?

Talk to me. I'm trying to think of an answer. Ask this on the top. I asked men, when the last time you got your dick check? When? You're just walking out here with a dirty dick? Listen, you ask a woman when they got their shit check? They know the day, the time, the doctor, the test, what that receptionist wore, what that bitch was crying about in the receptionist office, all that.

Because if we don't take care of our shit, it'll smell like a foot locker. I wouldn't. But y'all out here, you know, slamming salami-o. Your nuts smell like lunch meat. She's talking about your neck, not me. Clearly, it couldn't be me. You're nuts. Click, clack.

How did we get here? Because you have, you have opinions. You know, you have opinions that are kind of spot on, not kind of, they're spot on, and it pisses you off that the world has forgotten all that shit. Let me ask you, did your mom and dad see you, Leslie? Did they see this version of you? My mom got sick in 87. She had a stroke, so she was bedridden.

I think she knew of everything I was doing. My father, well, when I came out of college, I had a scholarship. I lost my scholarship because I was doing comedy. And I called my dad and I said, hey, I lost my scholarship. And he was like, oh, no, no, no, you ain't lose your scholarship. I'm going to call the coach. We're going to get this straight now because obviously somebody, what are you doing out there? And I was like, no, Daddy, I don't want to play basketball anymore.

And then it was a quiet. And he was like, well, what are you going to do? Then what are you going to do? And I was like, I want to be a comedian. He was like, what? The fuck is you talking about? He was like, who the fuck told you you was funny? You have never made me laugh, ever, ever in your whole fucking life.

And in my head, I'm like, I made him laugh all the fucking time. What is he talking about? He was like, you're not a fucking comedian. You're not coming to my house talking about you're going to be a motherfucker comedian. I was like, nope, I'm not going to come to your house. I'm going to go live with my boyfriend. Click. So I ain't talked to him for like two years.

And then he saw me on BET. And he called me and he was like, God damn, you're funny. He said, I want to be your manager. And I was like, no. But he got to see his daughter. Yeah, he got to see that. Yeah, yeah. I really wish he could see the stuff now because he would be just like,

damn, that's good. Like, you know, it's so funny. I had a lady come up to me, and she was like, oh, my God, I love your show so good. You're so funny. And I was like, oh, and this way at first, you know. And I was like, oh, I'm good. I'm all right.

And she was like, what do you mean you all right? I was like, you know, I'm not as funny as Richard Pryor. And she was like, good. She was like, you're your funny. Like, no. And it made me realize, like, those are people that you learn from. You now are yourself. And now you're not, because when I first started, I was like,

I'm going to be like Eddie Murphy. I'm going to be like Richard Pryor. So that's the, you know. Do it, isn't it? I mean, it's not thinking until you make it. It's to emulate people who you admire, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because the John Ritter thing,

Oh, God. I love that. We just had Jason Ritter here. Oh, and I talked to him. When I talked to, I think I made that boy cry because I told him, because John Ritter saved my life. He, I was driving to New York to make it, you know, to be in the, and I was driving by myself. And I stopped at this hotel, and I was just scared. This hotel was very sketchy.

It had a pizza hut. I just remember the pizza up was so good. But it was a really scary hotel, and I had the door, I had the chair up on the door. I was like, oh, my God, I'm so scared. I don't feel comfortable. I'm going to someplace. I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. What have I done?

And Problem Child came on. That's why I named my first special Problem Child. Problem Child came on and it was like I saw John and I was like, nothing can happen. Nothing bad can happen if John's here. John's going to take care of me. And I watched Problem Child and went to sleep and was okay. And he, you could just, I was like, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you. He was like he was that kind of guy. But he, yeah, he was. all of us feel safe and happy and life, life will work out. And then he died and it was stunning. It fucked me up. I'm going to be quite honest.

It did fuck me up. I was like, no, it made me go get my heart check. Yeah. Because I was like, it just happened to him. So I was like, no. Yeah. That man was great. Yo, you know what his, he was so great in everything he did.

My favorite performance by him was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When he played the robot. I think that's what he got a, I think he got an Emmy for that. Shoot, I haven't seen that. Oh, go, do yourself a favor. Go watch it. He was a Buffy's mom's boyfriend.

So he was perfect and he was too perfect. And Buffy didn't like him. And there was this one scene when he malfunctioned. And he went, and I was like, John Ritter, you are fucking the bomb. Yeah. It was just so good. Slingblade?

Come on now. That was unbelievable. I didn't know that that was. him. No, yes, you're right. I know what you mean. No, no, it was. I thought it was Billy Bob Thornton. Yeah. I swear to God, I did that whole time. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, how do we, how do we not, like, that's what piss me off about people not wanting to know history. Like, how can you even be what you want to be without looking at the people who did it before you? Whenever I hear somebody say, like, I almost got into a fight with a comedian once that was like,

I've seen Richard Pryor, he was all right. I literally had to walk out the room because I was like, you're not even fucking funny. How dare you judge someone who's actually funny? Who's actually an ancestor of this? You've got to absorb everything. When I was doing

just black clubs, I had comedians going, you got to go mainstream. You need to go to all the clubs. You know what I'm saying? Because my whole dream was I wanted I wanted to make everybody laugh. And I love my black clubs, but I had to get to them white clubs, to the mainstream clubs, so I can meet different type of comedians that would give me different type of tags to my jokes.

And when I would do those clubs, I would tell those white comedians, go down to the black clubs and do those clubs. You become striving. You become a better comedian. You open up your portfolio. Portfolio just gets beautiful. Yeah, yeah. You know, when I went to New York, I was performing for Albanians. I loved it.

Albanians love black people. It was so wonderful. Like Russians and I love it all. I went to Amsterdam and performed for Dutch. I did no Dutch. I learned like three Dutch. Sucked it. And something else.

And I would put it in my act and they were just... It's so great. It's just great. And it feels great. And I love it. Yo, I'm just a big kid in front of a... In front of your parents when you dance. And that's all I am when I'm on stage.

You have a tour right now, right? Yes, sir. For the rest of the year, kind of? Yeah, I'm doing like dates here because we are strengthening up this set that I got, even though it's just, I need three more, I think three more punchlines, and it'll be perfect. Having a special. Yes. On TV.

Do you book that and then go, okay, I'm going on the road and finding that show? Or do you go on the road and you're working? shit up and they go. And then sell that. Yeah, it's okay. That's how I do it. That's how I'll do it. I mean, that's like getting your money before the work. No, I like that because I never know what I'm going to make up. Yeah.

I never know what's going to be the special. So, yeah, once it's perfected, then I say we can sell it. And that means some executive from HBO or someplace. No. Peacock, come and watch it. They come look at it. Yeah, yeah, whoever's going, who's ever offering to put me somewhere. You know, this time it was Beacon.

you know. And it'll take what, nine months to get it ready? Yeah. This last set was two and a half years. I don't like the rush sets, but I will say what I did smartly was why I was working on that set,

I was working on the set after it. Like the jokes that we knew wasn't going to go on this set, we made them for the next set. Why waste a good joke? Right, right. So now when I've started, now this set actually got ready faster

because we were already working on it. Because, oh, God, this next set, I'm talking about, is everything I wanted and more, you know? And listen, all of my sets I love. All of my sets I love. But it's like I'm getting better and better. I'm like becoming the comic that I've always wanted to be.

You know what I'm saying? Just like, I love laughter and smart at the same time, but just laughter. With a sad underbelly. What vulnerability? Or at least an experience of life that gave you sadness. But vulnerability. That's what I call that. I don't call it sadness. It never should be sadness. It should be a lesson in your life. This is very important for me to say, I hate when people think that they're normal. You are not normal. If you are a human being, you are not normal.

You are a specific piece of art that was created by God. So you have a job to do. You have a job to do, and that is to be yourself because God created you. So there was a reason he created you the way he created you. Find out what that is, and that's supposed to be part of community. We talk about community, right? If you can find that, I swear, when I found it and myself, it's just like happiness. You can't treat nobody bad. You refuse to treat people bad when you love yourself because you don't want that coming back. I'm telling people all the time, please find out that this is your shit. All your life is yours, your problems, your insecurities, your thoughts, your dreams. that is your shit. It's no one else's. It's yours. It's yours. If you wanted to look like a certain way, get your ass up and do it. It's up to you. And it doesn't matter how old you are, how poor you are. It doesn't, none of that shit should have a factor. It's in you. Make it happen. I think this is really important. It's truism. And it took me up. I feel like I am. I don't.

know where I'm stuttering. I feel like I have gotten to that point in my life that you're talking about. It didn't mean that I didn't get go be funny and grateful and be around creative people. I got that. And I'm so blessed and lucky and I got to do that. But doing this podcast, oddly enough, has kind of focused me what I feel I have to contribute to the world. And it is, and, I shouldn't speak for Mary, but as a couple, we kind of do this too. And this is, this is, you know, should never call out stuff like this. But is to spread love, hope, kindness. Kindness is a big thing to me.

And spread that. Because you got to treat people yourself is yourself. You are yourself's best friend. If you had a best friend and someone's treating a bad, you would curse that person out. You'd be like, don't touch my best friend. that's what you need to do for yourself. And it's also gratitude. I tell everybody gratitude.

Please be happy to where you are right now. It doesn't matter if it's a rented room. I had a rented room. Live with five rosters. Had my own little room. I had to do it $3.50 a month. You have to do it sometimes. But I swear to God, I appreciated that room.

You appreciate that ragged car. I sit at the bus stop and go, I don't care what kind of car I get. I just want a car. It doesn't matter. Love that car because you are not going to get blessed to the next level. not appreciating where you are. If you can't love that one bedroom or that studio or that little Ragley car,

why would you get anything better? Why would God go, I'm going to give you something better? You didn't thank me. Man, when I was in that little one student, man, that was my palace. I loved it. It's my own space.

Come on, Ragley car. I had a 79 Monte Carlo. Love that car. Love that car. You know how many gigs I went to? I had a car. And it was big enough to put stuff in. What?

Like you appreciate that And then that's when God goes Yes, now we're going to move you up And you may not move up much But it'll be better than where he was Appreciate gratitude, love yourself Look in the mirror every day and go Listen, I may not be perfect

But fuck, I'm you, damn, I'm you BOW! Nobody else is me 100%. Nobody else is me. If you're trying to be somebody else Who's trying to be you? Really good advice. Yeah.

And also just true. Yeah, very true. spent. It's how life works. I know y'all think I'm just saying the cliches and shit, but if you do not like yourself, if you do not love yourself, you cannot give it to anyone else. You're not going to be able to fully love someone else. You just not. You can't give what you don't have. And finding to love yourself, it's not going to be an easy thing. But it's yours. It's your experience. And it's your life. It's your life. Yes. Live it to the fullest because you don't want to get old and be like, I always tell people, think deathbed.

What would you say on your deathbed? You know what I want to say on my deathbed? Damn, I'm glad I fucked that dude in Paris. Mine'll be more rouge. I don't know why. I don't know why, but I like this. More ruse. They'd be like, Ted wanted more ruse.

I'll add another word to my life nowadays, which is curious. Stay curious. Hmm. Hungry. Yeah. But also, this world is a little crazy. Don't let it take your curiosity away or excitement about possibilities or what's around the corner. Even if it's dark, stay curious. But isn't that of what faith is? Faith is having hope and the things unseen.

Yep. That's what faith is. If you're thinking about the past, you're going to make yourself depressed. you can't do nothing about the past. If you think about the future, you don't even know what's going to happen, so you can't think about that. All you can do is stay positive

and have faith and stay in the present. Okay, time out, my turn, okay? Where did this come from? What do you mean? Everything I say? The wisdom. Experience, baby. Pain, pain, therapy.

When I was at SNL, I remember Lauren saying to me because I was just sad, and I didn't know. He was like, you got to talk to somebody. He was like, I tell my wife all the time. I try to talk to my wife about everything. And then my wife goes, this is really great, but I don't want to hear it.

Go talk to a therapist. And when I went to a therapist, I finally felt like I was getting the oil change done right. I've been doing my oil changes my whole life. And I was not tightening it up and not putting the right grease in there, maybe using some cheap guys oil. But when I went to a real mechanic, she did my oil change. correctly. Now I knew exactly why I was acting this way or why I had these fears, how many lies I was telling to myself, how much that I thought that I did like myself, but actually scared of myself. All the things that people fell in love with me about was the things I hated about

myself. And I didn't understand that until I found out, ain't nobody else going to be able to do it but you. Like Lauren used to tell me all the time, there is something about the way you deliver stuff that is just so good. If you could just find the root of that, you'll find yourself. And I did. And that made me so happy about life. It was just like, I got to tell everybody. Like, only thing you got to do is just like, like yourself, like go in.

I promise it's so awesome on the other side. Yes, it feels a little painful going through it, but it's like a good pain. It's like cleaning out the closets and seeing all your dirt and shit that you didn't kept. And you're going, I could throw that away. Oh, shit. I could, you know what? That don't even look like.

Even the people I had beef with, I would see them and I'd be like, I don't know what. Hey. How you did? And they would be like, oh, hey, hey, hey. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I didn't like you. Yeah. Maybe it's something in you I saw in myself.

It sounds simplistic, but it could be a blueprint for this country. Baby. We got to get rid of the pimple first. You know what I mean? I do know. We need to clean our face first. How's your heart? How are you dealing with?

Because so many people don't know what's going on. It's hard when I hear some of the stuff that because you go, God, I really believed in us. I really believed in us. Like, I really believed in us. But then it goes back to you have to do what you're responsible for. If you want to feel good about yourself and feel good about what's going on, make yourself part of it. Make sure you register the vote.

Make sure you're paying attention to the correct news, not the bullshit. Somebody said, you should be president. You don't want me to be president because I'm turning the TV off at 12th. Do you get ever saying, you remember when the flag, you just come on? I'm turning that off. Social media is off at 12th. I don't give a fuck what money you're making off of it. You could start again at 6 in the morning.

Sunday this shit is completely turned off because you need to sleep or spend some time at your family or go to church or whatever it is that you need to do. That shit's off on Sunday. So you don't want me to be, you don't want me to be the president. Because I'm going to do, I'm going to take the most highest salaries in the world is going to be the garbage man and the teachers. Yeah. Because those are the two most important. Like you want America to be great again.

Let's get educated. Racism is going to be against the law. You can't be racist in my, in my, there's too many different people from everywhere. How are you going to be racist? You can't be racist here. Go to another country. touching, feeling, hurting, anything to a child? Death.

Let me explain why. We have volcanoes. Why are we not using them? Throw their ass in a volcano. You tell the motherfucker, you throw a couple of motherfuckers in the volcano. We're going to straighten up out here. Why do you think we got volcanoes? I know it sound crazy.

Why we got death row? Why we got death row? I never understood that. I mean, I get it. There's some people there. That's not supposed to be there. That's why we bring in those prosecutions and the defense, and we go through that case to make sure that you're supposed to be here or whatever.

And then we, you know, I'm not saying everybody going to go in a volcano, but a lot of people going to be in their volcano. Okay, see, that's why I can't be present. I can't even run off of that. You know what I'm saying? As soon as I say volcanoes, people are going to be like, yeah, she's crazy. Get her to fuck out of there. But then again, I might win because I don't know how to banter with you

because there's enough truth. It's like, it's like, but maybe it's wrong. Wait a minute. This is a good idea. Just wait. I have to find a way to house your heart, tie it directly into volcano.

No, but my heart, my heart is, my heart, which is so weird doing all this. I'm so happy to be me. Yeah. I'm so happy that people like me, like they like me, and I'm being who I am. That is a fucking great thing.

Like, I'm, there's nothing, like, I'm not faking. Like, and I don't have to anymore because people like it. So I'm, my heart is just full. I wish I had a boyfriend. Sometimes. And why would you wish it and not just happen? Because I like being by myself. Oh, okay.

I enjoy my own company because I have fun. So maybe you don't need a boyfriend. Maybe just a lover, right? Can you hook me up? No. No. You don't know anybody? No. That's fucked up. Yeah. I would think that you would know somebody to have as cute as you.

Mary, maybe Mary. Tell Mary to get on it, please. Thanks. Yeah. Actually, I would love to marry Bad Bunny, but I wonder to want to see how bad that bunny is, you know. Okay, basketball, basketball. I love basketball. I know. I can't let you go without basketball because basketball saved my life at 13.

Yeah. I was not an academic. Yeah. And never was going to be one. Right. I tried very hard. And I found basketball at this little private school in Connecticut. And there were 300 boys.

And we got to play, I got to play basketball. And I was never that great. But my passion took me as far as I needed to go. I was, we, we won our championship. You love the sports for the kids. Oh my God, it may change my life. My mom knew, when you're little and you go through things and your mom knows that, my mom knew I was had a lot of energy and I may be crazy.

So she put me in everything. She put me in, I was a flag football, track, and all that. But basketball was the one thing I gravitated to it because my dad loved basketball. And I was tall. So I was in sixth grade and I was coming. running in the hallway and the coach was like, hey, and I was like, shit, I'm in trouble running the hallway. And she was like, because I was taller than her.

She was like, you play basketball? And I was like, no. And she was like, three o'clock gym today and been playing basketball ever since. How tall were you at 13? It's like probably how tall I am. I don't remember. I don't remember being short. I don't remember not being this height.

I was six feet and 120 pounds. You're probably just a big stick. I was a big stick. Bullies wouldn't hit me because they knew they would kill me. I would have shattered. See, it was opposite for me. I used to think I was protecting people from the bully, but then I found out I was the bully because I was bigger than everybody at schools. But basketball did the same thing for me.

It gave me, see, especially when I came to Cali and they took them way more serious than Cali than I was in Memphis. And I was like really good for, you know, and they was like, you're very good. for the youth you are, because my dad used to practice with me all the time. And it just brought, like, my coach, I love all my coaches because they were like, practice, you play like you practice. That's life. Isn't that life? You play like you practice.

You got to have passion. I remember my coach telling me, he was like, sometimes you play so freaking good. He's like, and then sometimes you play like crap. He was like, I could sit here and talk to him. I'm blue in the face. But unless you love it, unless you have a passion for it, I can't do nothing. And that was true about life, isn't it? Yep.

And when I realized that I don't want to play basketball no more, I want to be a comedian. You know? So I love sports for kids. I love sports for kids. And it doesn't have to be physical sport. It could be chess. That shit is... Oof.

Right? Like, it could be any of that. So I tell you, tell your kids about everything. You know what I'm saying? Ballet, everything. Let them do that. Because when you... And you know what?

But if you don't know what you want to do, go to a community college, or try to go to college. College is so, you know, it's kind of expensive. But even in that first year, you just see and experience so much stuff, it'll come to you. That's how the comedy came to me. You know, my friend signed me up for a contest. And I won. And I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to be a comedian, you know. And I would have never knew that if I didn't go to college.

So I'm not saying that, you know, just try. Even a trade school Like I learned something that you can make money off of If you're trying to do your dream Mine was waitressing and bartending And I was good at that shit And I made my money and paid my rent Pay your fucking rent

There's no such thing as homeless stars I'm so tired of y'all saying that's struggling arles shit Pay your fucking bills get a job Get two jobs If you really love what you do you're going to do it while you're working. Pay you fucking taxes. Don't starve.

You don't have to starve. It's just nonsense sometimes. People look at that Hollywood shit and think, no, there's no such thing as an overnight success. You got to fucking work. Mike Tyson had a thousand fights before you became a champion. I don't know how many gigs I've had. I was 47 when I got actually discovered.

And I've been doing comments since I was 18. So I can't even count how many shows I've done. Right. But you need to have that experience so you can be undeniable. Don't walk in a room faking it. That's the worst thing you can ever do. You are amazing. Everything.

Stop it. No, I'm going to, if I did needlepoint, I would be needle pointing half of the things you said and hanging out of my wall. Jamie Fox said, I'm a walking T-shirt. He said, you should have so many T-shirts. This is what I love about you. Every show that I can think that you've ever been on, the whole crew is, funny. Yeah.

The whole, every, you, every character on there you love. Yeah. And it's almost like you're, you know what I'm saying? Like you're orchestrating it. Like, you're the glue of it.

I'm the tall guy. No, you're the glue. But I am the tall guy. And then think about that happened to you because of gravitation. You are always going to be an actor. Isn't that great? Yeah. It was just

training the basketball. I didn't care whether in the beginning, whether I was in a class, whether I was an extra on a commercial. I didn't care where I was as long as I was acting. I just could not get enough of it. Yes. Yeah. And I wish that kids would just take the time, y'all just trying to grow up so fast. Take the time and live your life. Your cortex is not fucking fully developed until you're 25. So if you're 30, you're five years old. Seriously, When I meet these kids They'll be like, I want to be a millionaire by 21

Bitch, you will be dead by 22 Because you don't know what the fuck to do with money But that is something that we should teach our kids But you're just dumb Like I'm not saying dumb You are, you're a dumb white, wet behind the ear Fucking kid And the society puts so much pressure on you

Your 20s is supposed to be lively and fun and just uncurious and traveling and going to spring breakwoods. That's your 20s. Your 30s is when you start going, yes, this is why I want to do this now. I want to get you know what I mean?

It's a, it's a stop believing that your life stops at 30 and 40. That's when that shit get good. Yo, when I turn 50, that's when that shit really got good. Yeah. And, And chasing money is sad. Chase, you know, I have to say this to myself now because, you know, the train behind us in my life, Mary and I, it's big.

So it does take money. Yeah. But when I go, oh, oh, if I even dabble in, oh, oh, about money, it's either Mary smacks me or I smack myself because it's no, you stay creative. And you stay, you know, trying to make a difference in the world. And healthy. You focus on that. And healthy. Because it don't matter how rich you are, if you don't have health, you poor as fuck.

Yeah. Buddy pal. What a hoot. Thank you so much. This was so fun. This was way funner than I thought it was going to be. Way better than Conan O'Brien, I might add. I'm not going to say that because we're like in his house.

So, but Conan, yeah. Yeah. That's true. He's my hero. Oh, all right, never mind. No, you're way more handsomer than Colin. Actually, take a look at it. Take a look at the man stands tall and is very handsome.

Yeah, but he got that like windy thing going on. Yeah. His hair is not attractive. His hair is not attractive. I talked to him about that. It was like you look like a little boy. You look like Opie. Yeah.

Can we cut that into a commercial, please? Hey, I love you. Thank you so much for having me. This was great. My heart is definitely pounding. That was amazing. Thank you, Leslie Jones. Please check out Leslie's most recent stand-up special Leslie Jones Life Part 2,

streaming on Peacock Now. She's currently performing stand-up around the U.S. Tickets can be found at justlesley.com. That's it for this week. Special thanks to Team Coco. If you enjoyed this episode, please send it to a loved one. If you're new to this show, I recommend checking out some of our past episodes. Helen Hunt, Matthew McConaughey, Carol Burnett, W. Camau Bell, just for starters.

Once again, you can watch our full-length video episodes at YouTube.com slash team cocoa. See you next time, where everybody knows your name. You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Leow. Our executive producers are Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer, engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel

with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grawl. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Battista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Yen, Mary Steenberg, and John Osborne.