Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel - Esther Calling - Having Needs Doesn't Make You Needy

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

He’s in a new relationship and wants it to be exclusive, but he can’t get a read on his partner's feelings. It’s hard for him to have an open honest conversation about his needs without feeling weak, especially when he’s met with silence from her. Esther encourages him to feel confident in his vulnerability and to not mistake having needs for “neediness.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every season for Where Should We Begin, I receive thousands of applicants. And one of the most frustrating things is that I'm only going to be able to see 10 couples. And I've been grappling with this. How can I connect with more of you? There are so many powerful questions, so many pain points that I would like to be able to at least address with you, even if shortly. So this series is going to be different. It's you calling me with a very precise question, with your pain point, me calling you back. And together we think out loud and we go from where should we begin to where can you start.

Hello? Hello? Hello, hello. hello hello hello hello hi Esther how are you good afternoon I'm doing great much better now what is the question that you would like me to address with you Okay. I am in the first season of my life where I am actually dating for an extended period of time. and my vulnerability and my honesty and my authenticity while still preserving what's sacred. I don't mind sharing, but I suppose the question is, how do I foster reciprocation from my partner at an appropriate pace that honors both of our levels of intimacy and how much we wish to share. And I tell myself often that I'm giving much, you know, emotionally. And I don't mind taking the lead in that area and then, you know, waiting for a response. I'm taking, it's funny, I'm taking dance lessons. I'm learning about principles of like lead and follow,

you know, in a very tangible, physical way. What dance are you learning? I'm learning bachata, actually. So some of those principles I actually try to carry over, you know, to the courting process. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. But let me tell you how I understand your question. Tell me if I hear it accurately.

Yes? I met... Okay. It's a man, a woman? A woman. A woman. Okay. I met a woman recently.

We've been going out for a while. I feel clear that I want to pursue something with her exclusively. I'm not sure that I'm experiencing from her the same wish in return. I find myself often also more open with her, more willing to share of myself with her, more willing to bear myself to her. And I don't always feel that that comes back from her? And how do I continue to be authentic and be true to my feelings for her? But also, how do I protect myself in case we're not interested in the same thing?

Yes, that sounds very accurate. Okay. yes that sounds very accurate okay so what happens when you say to her i would like to be steady i would like to just for a moment to close the doors for a bit and it'd be just you and me that's the sharing that i hear you don't want to do at this moment, right? I don't know if I'm there yet. I think I'm more concerned about is the feedback that I'm getting, is it truly a step of trust and vulnerability or is it? Give me an example so I have a sense as to. Okay. So if I share something very emotionally intimate, maybe it's not perceived that way, but let's say I share my favorite, most romantic music and R&B songs, things that were formative in the development of my own romantic understanding and development if i share in a very open-ended way like that in a very honest transparent way i would hope that the next words out of my partner's mouth

would also be not just okay thanks for sharing but all right let me tell you a little bit about myself or a lot of bit about myself as well. And that's what I don't often get. Give me a name of one of the songs, for example. Never Too Much by Luther Vangeance. Okay. And you get a kind of a, that's nice type of response. Are you comfortable saying, you know, does that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like there's a demand suddenly put on you? Do you feel like this is going faster than

you want? In a way, to me, sometimes the very things that we think, but we don't dare to say, because we're afraid that if we say it, they're going to become real. Sometimes that's exactly what needs to be said. It's very scary when you fall in love, because the thing we want to know as quickly as possible is, is it mutual? Is it shared? Am I alone here or are you meeting me right there in this field? So it's extremely insecure. There's no way around that.

And sometimes it's about, you know, does this make you uncomfortable? And then if she answers you honestly and she says something that says to the word yes, then you say, is that partly, you know, does it feel like this puts pressure on you? Do you feel like I'm making it like I'm demanding something from you or I'm patient not to worry. I'm not running anywhere and I'm not rushing and take your time. It's very hard to say to somebody, take your time, when actually you would like to go faster. But sometimes it yields you more what you want. There is a certain way in which when you say this with confidence,

the confidence is that there is nothing you should apologize for. What you feel is beautiful, legitimate, and it's just very, very hard if it's not shared. But you don't have to apologize for it. So the confidence comes from, I have a sense that I may be further along than you. And then you sit and you wait for the answer.

And of course, your stomach is going to cringe at that moment. But be sure that her stomach is equally disturbed because you're actually asking a more honest question. But you can say, you know, it's funny. I kind of share with you things that I look forward to. And your answer is, I'm not sure how to interpret it. Help me. That makes sense. Can you imagine yourself doing it? Five minutes ago, no.

Now, yes. Practice it with me. Okay. practice it with me okay so I've noticed that when I share my heart with you for example my dream vacation or the perfect date that there's not a lot of feedback given or response. And I wonder if you are processing, and I just noticed that you're quiet. And can you please help me understand if we're meeting in a special place or if you need more time to process that? That's very good. It's really beautiful. I would even say you can make it shorter.

Okay. You get silent. Silence can mean many things. How am I to understand this? Okay. And then you sit and you wait. And just so every time you think I'm so uncomfortable, all I can tell you is that she's equally uncomfortable.

You know, for all you know, she may say I feel none of it, or she may say I'm so touched of it. Or she may say, I'm so touched. I've never heard anyone say something like that to me. You don't really know. Okay. Sometimes she may say, I don't know if I can believe you. I don't know if I should trust you. The last dude I trusted who said stuff like that to be lied. But what I'm saying is that the answer may have less to do with you and more to do with her. Okay. And that I'm saying to you because I've heard the question posed from the other side. And the truth is we don't know. It could be that we're not in the same place.

It could be that she's not as interested in you, but it could be 10 other things that have nothing to do with you. Right. Right? I mean, I completely know, I can see why, but it may not be. Or whatever stories that people carry

about how much they allow themselves to love how much they allow themselves to be loved how much they trust that they are lovable all these things are entering in this moment okay are you in your teens your 20s or your 30s? I'm in my 30s. Yeah. Okay. Divorced with two kids. Okay. So this is a new beginning for you? Yes. And you haven't done this for a while? Correct. How many years, how long were you married? Or how long were you with that same other person um eight years together five years married did you come out of it very bruised yes in what way um depression panic attacks complete uh restart to my life spiritually, vocationally. Just a reset on every level, for sure. And she knows this?

My ex knows this, yes. No, does the woman that you're seeing now know this? Yes. Because I think it's totally fine to say, I haven't done this in a long time so I probably need some markers okay you know maybe not everybody needs those markers but I need them I don't know how much practice she's had where she's at in her life what she's coming out of but it's perfectly okay to say you know I lost a chunk of my confidence in the in my relationship or i've come out of my

relationship with some confidence bruised okay so that she knows that you know that she knows yeah that's something i would be very uncomfortable saying um i just felt so codependent in my last relationship um i don't know if to say those words feels the same as what I came out of. I wouldn't know how to engage that. Many people come out of a relationship with some bruises. It's not unique to you. And when you start a new relationship, when you haven't been out there and dating and meeting new people and establishing relationships from the start. And, you know, if you went to play sports and you haven't played that sport for a long time,

if you went to do an activity that you haven't practiced in a long time, you know, you would basically say, I'm out of practice. And if you do a false move, somebody would say, no, try it this way. You know, if you are with someone who you think from the start cannot understand that, then you're not setting up a good base. Okay. I don't know what happened enough in your marriage and what you mean when you say codependent, but what I understand is you have a feeling that what?

Give it to me. Tell me one sentence that helps me understand what you just said. I don't want to be perceived as needy. I want to give my partner something to follow, something that's inspiring, not something to take care of. When you tell your needs, that doesn't make you needy, just so you know that. Okay.

You have the idea that if I say I need this, then I come across as weak and vulnerable and needy, and it's all one and the same word, right? No. When you tell something that you need, you actually sometimes can come across as rather confident and self-aware and knowing and willing to communicate about it with someone.

Okay. That's reassuring. Because if you do not want to come across as something, it doesn't mean that you're not feeling it. So one of the better ways you feel not needy in a relationship is when there is a healthy dialogue about your needs and their needs. Okay. Does that give you a start? start yes it's starting to click that's okay not something i've

considered too much quite like that try it on for size i definitely will okay thanks a lot thank you so much, Esther. Bye. You're welcome. Bye-bye. Bye. So I'm looking for many ways to stay connected with you as I continue to help you develop greater confidence and competence in your relationships. This time, it comes in the form of a game. Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories. It's a game that helps you connect and reconnect,

deal with the social atrophy that so many of us have experienced, and unlock the storyteller within. So gather your partner, your friends, or your date. Grab a seat, pull a card, and be my guest in sharing the stories that you rarely tell. Let's play along. estherperel.com slash the game. Thank you.