Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel - Esther Calling - It Feels Like My Siblings Abandoned Me

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

In this Esther Calling, Esther speaks to a young woman grappling with the burden of caring for her ailing parents and the feelings of resentment she feels towards her older siblings. But the true cause of this family conflict goes much deeper than who is showing up and who is not. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So, lately I've been wondering how to resist resentment that can come from your particular role within a family system. For context, I am the youngest of three and was raised in a Midwestern Catholic family. And within the last few years, my parents have had numerous health complications. And with our family system kind of in crisis, I have kind of felt this responsibility to be a significant emotional support, but at times it can feel like a lot of pressure and also just kind of lonely. Sometimes I feel like my siblings can check out in different ways and I do want to honor their reasons for doing so,

but I find that it still kind of hurts to feel alone. And I guess I'm just wondering how to not let bitterness or resentment take over? Hi. Hello, hello. Welcome. Thank you. Describe to me the situation. Where is the family at?

What are the forces that impinge on the family at this moment? What are the requirements of the different family members? How have the roles changed or not changed enough? So, yeah, my senior year of college, which was, I think, three years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And following his chemotherapy, which he's healthy now, but like directly after my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And then there was a lot of tension even in that first diagnosis because at the same time, my sister,

who is very Catholic and wanted to get married and start her life, which she couldn't really do based on her belief system without getting married. And so she had moved the wedding date up. And that meant that my mom decided to wait and push her surgery date back. And it's kind of been a roller coaster ever since then. She really was like the alpha in our family, kind of like the center. And I think it really upended a lot of just stability for us. And then just the summer, to put on the top of her head to close it, which is like a very complicated surgery. And it ended up being like seven hours. And I was the only sibling in attendance for that surgery. And it was just really hard to be there by myself with my dad. Where was everybody else? And who is everybody else?

Yes. So my sister, she lives close to my parents now. She just moved in the last year. And she has two kids now, both below the age of two. So she's definitely very busy with them. And then my brother, who's the oldest, so my sister's the middle child, I'm the youngest, and my brother's the oldest. And he, I I don't know he kind of just checked out this round so let me tell you what I'm hearing and if this is if this reflects it um your family is organized in such a way that mom is the pivot and there are three children around your dad is important but not central and both of them have been going through major medical crises that have demanded that the children step in to help, but the primary person that has stepped in is you. You're doing it, but you also find it very burdensome and overwhelming and lonely to do it

alone. Everybody else seems to have explanations for why they do or do not show up. You can't even think about that because you have to show up so you don't even ask yourself. And you're upset or you resent it. And I'm curious when I listen to you, what do you sound like when you are angry? Because this is, you know,

this is a very, very gentle voice that says, I would like not to be resentful. It says it with the sweetest, kindest, most forgiving, most accepting voice I can imagine. So what do you sound like when you're not that sweet and kind? What is the voice you don't want to hear inside of you yeah i struggle with feeling angry um why in what way do you struggle i mean as in i don't have the permission to be angry everybody should do what their heart tells them or what their God tells them or what their values tell them. And therefore I have no right to ask for more. I mean, what's the rationale in your head

that is tripping you? Well, when I get upset, because I did express some concerns going into the surgery to my mom, like kind of wishing my brother would accompany me and trying to explain where I was coming from. and I remember her being like you just gotta get over that and because I have also kind of held on to that frustration with my sister it's not that I let it affect our everyday experience but when these moments of crisis come up again, because there's been twists and turns, like every time I think it's done, or we've reached the end, there's like another kind of setback. So I think back to that experience. And I just can never seem to understand why my sister made the decisions that she made, even though I do understand the belief system that informed those decisions. So let me make sure I understood this.

Your sister wanted to have kids. In order to have kids, she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her brain tumor surgery so that she could have the wedding first? Is that what you're telling me? A little bit. I mean, my sister wanted to be able to live with her. They can't even, like, her belief system results in... Yes, yes. She wanted to live with her partner, and for that, she had to be married first. She wanted to have sex with your partner and particularly maybe to procreate with that person. And so for that she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her surgery.

Is that what, or am I missing something here? Essentially, yes, but it was that the date was set first and then they didn't ask my sister to change it. And your sense is that they are more understanding and compassionate with your siblings than with you. To you, they say, get over it. And to them, they say say whatever you need? I don't know what the conversations sound like when they're with my siblings directly but I do sometimes feel like they know that I will be understanding or can understand these other perspectives. And I think that my mom and dad actually, like they really value family unity, which is, but like the kind that's more just as long as it looks like it's peaceful, not the kind that is actually, I mean,

I think they do value unity in general, but I think that they would just prefer things to be without conflict. And where does that leave you? They don't want conflict. You're reluctant to experience resentment or anger or aggression. You find it easier to be sad than to be mad. Mm-hmm. Yeah. to be sad than to be mad yeah have there been other major disruptions in the family um that required collaboration understanding action tough decisions acceptance yeah so I'm gay and that was a major upheaval for my mom and my sister in particular

and that's been really challenging. My sister's husband is also very homophobic and comes from a very large Catholic family. So it almost felt like losing her in a new way. That's difficult. And with her having kids, it raises new questions too. Because I recently wanted clarification and asked if I would be able to have my partner around her children. And she said, yes, only if they're viewed as a friend, because she can't risk her children going to hell, which is really frustrating. I don't even, I don't know how to negotiate that really. We have to take a brief break. So stay with us and let's see where this goes. You know, what I'm watching you for is your original question, right?

How do I not let resentment get to me? And my one thought I have is is why wouldn't it get to you yeah like did you why wouldn't you be mad it's very different than just say frustrated it yeah so i'm not even gonna necessarily focus at first on the specific i i'm taking care of my parents i'm the one who lives far away i'm the one who travels home i'm the one who attends the seven-hour surgery where is everybody um and on what basis am i supposed to do this? And I'm not even accepted. And I do more than anybody else. And that's a whole subject we're going to come back to because it happens, you know, this particular transition of parents getting older and parents getting sick and how the

family organizes around this and how there is a role distribution and who's allowed to check out and who's allowed to have other distribution and who's allowed to check out and who's allowed to have other priorities and who's demanded to show up that whole thing but in addition there's something broader here that is a question that may not be related to specifics it's just that you're coming with a particular situation which is your relationship to anger yeah and i'm not talking about fighting and yelling just you know as in basically saying this this is not right or this is unfair or this is uneven or look you are going to do what you are going to do because you want your conscience to be clear. So you are going to show up

not because your siblings don't show up, but you're going to show up because that's what you choose to do. And one day you want to be able to look in the mirror and say, I acted according to my values and my integrity and I did what I felt was right. The fact that I'm also upset at the fact that my siblings just left it all out to me is added to this.

It's both ends. You're not going to do those things because of how they act. You're not going to be, how do you say, reacting just to what they do. You're going to choose your values and your behavior and how you want to be with your parents. But the broader story here is, what is the family's relationship to anger? And therefore, also, what is your relationship to anger? Yeah, I think I've often experienced if I'm angry or just upset because I don't know if it's interpreted as anger if I get to that point but I feel like it's just, you know, it disrupts the family system. And my mom, I think, is a huge I sometimes feel like I want to, like, she's always been sad that my relationship with my sister has been trying.

And sometimes I think that I work to... She wants you to be the one to harmonize. Yeah. Okay? The fact that she thinks you and your sister, it's too bad you don't get along is one thing. But who should make it better? You.

Or at least I think that that's your sense. My sister gets to say, I don't like this. I don't want gay in my house. You can't tell my kids who you are. I can't show up. I need to get married. Your sister gets to, and what makes you angry is the fact that you are forced to be good, beautiful, suppress your needs,

act according to the higher powers, and your sense is that your sister gets away with stuff. Yeah. For some reason, she's seen as the one who needs to be able to express, to explode, to say no, to say this is it. But you have to be higher than thou. And you have to bring in the holiness in the house.

That's how I'm hearing you. Am I off? Am I traveling in my own imagination? I don't think so. I mean, I guess that's how I at least view it or experience. And how much is coming out related to that or how much has this of that or just put more of those dynamics on display. I'm claiming something that is so not what my family stands for. I now have to be good in every other domain of life. I've used up my entitlement quota.

I think part of that was like, I was so afraid I was going to lose my mom. And I really struggled that summer I remember going home to talk to her just for a couple days after and it didn't go so well and after that I just remember feeling like so sad and like not sure what to do and I think with time and interaction of just not focusing so much on that rupture but just enjoying who she is because she's, I adore my mom. I hear you. She's awesome. And it did help.

But I think maybe knowing the depth of that fear of loss makes me wary of. I don't want to do anything that would upset her yeah and could make her more sick yeah so I want to save her as much as I can with her and I'll deal with my feelings about all of this another time. Yeah. I think there have been so many times within the last couple of years where I felt like I've lost her in different ways, but then that she's still here almost feels like a miracle and I don't want to take that for granted. But sometimes in the process of that that I can lose sense of my own

needs does your partner support you yeah my friends will support you and do you find support outside the family I do I have really remarkable friends they listen to me and show up for me in so many ways. I couldn't ask for better friends. Has anybody ever traveled home with you? No. Could you imagine that? Would you consider that? Yeah, I could definitely imagine it. It's a very remote place where home is. It's the Midwest, very small town. So it would be an experience for someone that's from the East Coast. It would be an anthropological field trip. It really would. There's one stoplight in my town but it would make you feel that you can savor your relationship with her and be supported by those who have some to give

yeah that sometimes waiting for your siblings to show up is a little bit like Moses and the rock. Yeah. You hit, you hit, but the water doesn't come. Mm-hmm. So you have water in your life, but it's not in your nuclear family. Right. Bring the water with you. We are in the a brief break, so stay with us. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one platform that you can use to build a website and help people find your ventures. Whether you're seeking

a location for your podcast, teaching language courses or selling handcrafted ceramics, Squarespace has all the tools you need to create a home on the web. You can create a polished professional place that connects people with whatever you are excited about. Squarespace also supports all forms of connecting with those people. Whether you're selling products online or in person, or offering memberships, you can make your website look exactly how you want it to be. They even have tools that help you create a custom logo. And they make it easy to create a place where people can schedule an appointment with you, browse your services, or learn more

about why you do what you do. Visit squarespace.com slash Esther for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Esther to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. What I'm hearing you say is I experience all of this in such precariousness right now. It's so fragile. I don't want to jeopardize anything. I don't want my mother to be surrounded by strife. Which is your choice? You'll deal with your siblings afterwards. You can basically think to yourself, at this moment my priority is to be with her and i'll and i'll organize myself in a way that makes that possible for me if you want to have a conversation with your sister or with your brother you can

my question to you is is there a part of you that wishes that your mother would stand up for you? Yeah, I do. That's the other resentment. You see, there's a part of you that says, I should not have any needs because she takes up all the space at this moment and she's the priority. And there's a part of you that wishes that she would actually stand up for you yeah and that's a conflict that's less about resentment and that's more of a conflict how do i ask for something how do i express or have any needs without experiencing my needs as crumbling her and so the only way that I can preserve her is by suppressing any need that I have. Yeah, that feels very true. Say it in your own words.

My... If you said it to her. I think I would say, Mom, sometimes I just want you to have my back. I just want you to see things from my vantage point and in a way that I see you do for my sister and my brother. And I don't want to feel like my feelings are too much or that they're going to break the family system. Keep going.

You've had this conversation in your head many times. Yeah. going you've had this conversation in your head many times yeah i sometimes think that you think i can are too disruptive or destabilizing, but all I really need is for you to say, I hear you and I see you, and that would be enough. Mm-hmm. And that would be enough. And while I try to do everything in my power to keep you alive, the anticipation of this recognition, this feeling heard and seen to never happen, feels like the loss that would be the other loss that accompanies death. I will lose you as my mom, but I would also lose never having received that recognition from you.

Yeah. received that recognition from you yeah and it may demand guts from you to say to her you know we are on treacherous ground and I'll be there for you. And it would mean the world to me if I could feel from you that you see if you would have my back. I can imagine in the future, if one day you're not around, that this is gonna to be the last that will be the hardest for me. It's like I could accept your going if I know that I have had you in that very special way.

That I have had from you, your back, your eyes, your ears, your understanding, your empathy, your compassion. Yeah. How does that register with you? I think that is what I look for. And she did write me a thank you card and it meant the world to me. It made it feel like it was all worth it. And I think knowing how significant that is really points to that desire of mine to feel recognized by her fully. Did you answer?

I called her and said that I really appreciated it. I find writing her is actually one of the best ways to get all my thoughts out I that's actually how I came out to her I was too afraid to say it and well actually I didn't want to hold her accountable to her first response I kind of wanted her to have a moment to process it so pick up exactly there yeah you have the card write back and say I know I said how much I appreciate it but I'm not sure that I actually told you what it means for me. Yeah. Why I appreciated it so much, what I'm after,

and why this meant so much. And you have the entrance door right there. Yeah. I'm thinking about, she also put this image on the front of the card. And it was me, my friends had come to visit. And someone got a picture of me jumping through the air and the fact that she loved that picture and it's funny because it's kind of me feeling free and fun and happy and I think that that also in a weird weird way, meant a lot too, that she values that. Mm-hmm.

And I would jump even higher and feel even freer when I feel that you have my back. I don't know if I've ever told you how important that is for me. See, if you focus on your sister, you triangulate, you think your mother cuts her slack, that she doesn't cut you, that you are in the responsible role, and all of that may be true, but it's not the priority in the moment. Yeah, that's really helpful because I think in the past, I've used my siblings as points of comparison and it does complicate it and detracts and distracts

from what we're actually trying to emphasize. That's right. Leave the geometry of the family aside for a moment and focus on what you need from her. Your mother got it. She responded to you. She sent you the perfect picture. You know, you are that child for her. You're the one who left. All the others are in small town. You're the one who's having the life that your mother didn't have you're the one going to school you're the one making very tough choices you're the one claiming your identity etc etc you're far more of a bigger picture than you think you are you don't know if to smile or to cry yeah that happens to me quite a bit I do laugh through like hard times and cry but that's definitely a way that I manage things sometimes.

When you write me a card like this, I melt because... And then you tell her how important this is and how she is the mother that you need her to be. This was an Aster calling. A one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world. If you have a question you'd like to explore with Aster, it could be answered in a

40 or 50 minuteminute phone call. Send her a voice message and Esther might just call you. Send your question to producer at estherperel.com. Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media Podcast Network in partnership with New York Magazine and The Cut. Our production staff includes Eric Newsom, Destry Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Thank you. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller, and Jack Saul.