Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel - Say More - Esther Perel on Fantasy with Gillian Anderson

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

Recently, on Where Should We Begin, we've been focusing on the things we sweep under the rug in our relationships—conversations that we have a hard time having with ourselves let alone with others. Oftentimes, our sexual fantasies exist in this space and reveal us at our most bare, showing us not just what we want sexually, but what we want emotionally and psychologically. Even with a loving partner, it can be difficult to share our most personal sexual fantasies. There's often shame, stigma, and a fear of being judged. Award-winning actress, Gillian Anderson, joins Esther to discuss Want, her collection of women's anonymous fantasies from around the world. To purchase Gillian Anderson's new book, Want: https://bit.ly/3O8CVcZ If you have an individual question you would like to talk through with Esther, please send a voice memo to [e-mail]. If you would like to apply for a couples session with Esther, please click here: https://bit.ly/40fGHIU. Esther’s two new courses on desire are now available inside The Desire Bundle. Go to https://www.estherperel.com/course-bundles/the-desire-bundle to learn more about Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Recently, on Where Should We Begin, we've been focusing on secrets, the stuff we push under the rug, conversations that we are laud to have and certainly not in the public square, the forbidden, the hidden, the obfuscated, the unexplored, the unarticulated. And one such topic is the subject of erotic fantasies, especially erotic fantasies of women. The book that very much opened up this subject in my generation was Nancy Friday, My Secret Garden. The book that is now on many people's shelf is by Gillian Anderson, who's an award-winning film and television and theater actor. But she became very much a household

name in my house, for sure, when she played sex therapist Dr. Jean Melbourne, on the Netflix series Sex Education. And her book is called Want. It's an exploration of hundreds of anonymous women who have sent in the scripts, the descriptions of their own erotic longings, of their sexual imaginings. And one of them is actually by Gillian Anderson herself. So I wanted to have a conversation about the power of fantasy, the intricacy, the irrationality, the secret logic of the erotic mind, because it actually is one of the most fascinating parts of our minds and our bodies, but is how we conjure up those fantasies, those

plots, those sensations, those elixirs that are all meant to heighten pleasure and excitement. Sexual fantasies are sometimes so counterintuitive in some ways, so counter to our conscience, to the way we see ourselves, to our values, that they can baffle us. So we talk together about how we make sense of what we call sexual fantasies, how we come to understand them,

how culturally bound they are, how we don't always want to experience them in real life for sure. And what it means when fantasy is as if, it's play, it's pretend, but it's a powerful production in our mind. So I'm inviting you into my office to meet me and Gillian Anderson as we talk about sexual fantasies of women.

Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Autograph Collection Hotels. Autograph Collection Hotels offer over 300 independent hotels around the world, each exactly like nothing else. Hands selected for their inherent craft, each hotel tells its own unique story through distinctive design and immersive experiences, from medieval falconry to volcanic wine tasting. Autograph Collection is part of the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio of over 30 hotel brands around the world. Find the unforgettable at autographcollection.com. Do you feel like your leads never lead anywhere,

and you're making content that no one sees, and it takes forever to build a campaign? Well, that's why we built HubSpot. It's an AI-powered customer platform that builds campaigns for you, tells you which leads are worth knowing, and makes writing blogs, creating videos, and posting on social a breeze. So now, it's easier than ever to be a marketer.

Get started at hubSpot.com slash marketers. Women who are reading the book are starting to ask themselves, am I getting what I want sexually with my partner in our relationship, or my multiple partners, or whatever their life circumstances are at that particular moment. And if they're observing their feelings around it, around the thought of asking for it... Meaning, do I dare to ask for what I want? Do I dare to ask for what I want? And do I know?

And if I, do I know, do I dare to ask if I don't know why, if I don't dare to ask why, if I do dare to ask but I'd rather not waste time, not bother, it's too complicated, we've tried, it didn't work, you know, but it just opens up the conversation and women are also starting as they are engaging with the stories in the book. You know, you get quite a lot from the women who have written in.

It's not just the fantasy. It is, I've been married for 40 years. He hasn't touched me for 30, you know, or whatever, or I am in a lesbian relationship for all intents and purposes, but my fantasies are always about men, you know. Just there's a lot of variation and you get women are really identifying with the human beings writing in and identifying with particular aspects of their real lives, their needs, their desires, the complexities of both the fantasy, the desire, and the status quo. And so it's just bringing up a lot of questions and it's also, I've heard from a lot of women that they're making life

changes because of what the book is bringing up. Right. Because I think what I was thinking when I was reading is you get first of all a theory of desire. How is female desire constituted? And multiple ways, it's not just one way, but how is it articulated? And when I say desire, I define it as to own the wanting. But that's one piece, but I think the bigger piece that I have always thought about and that

I find confirmed here is that fantasies are not just sexual scripts or sexual enhancements and turn-ons. Fantasies actually reveal you at your most bare. And they tell truths about you that are hard to get at otherwise and they reveal not just what you want sexually but actually what you really want emotionally and psychologically. And once you understand that it is a coded language for some of our deepest emotional needs, wishes, fears, aspirations

rather than just plain sex. Then it reveals you in a way that is irresistible. Once you find yourself with a huge gap between the permissible and the possible, then you cannot stay in your seat. No, and you can't unsee that. No, and you can't unsee that. You can't. You can't, yeah. Yeah. I think that's what people are finding. And I always said to my students,

I say don't ask people what they do. Ask them what they think about while they're doing it. That's interesting. Because what they do, okay, they'll describe, we go this, we start, we do that, but what they think about with their partners, not when they're in the fantasy itself, but what is it that they're actually thinking about and who are they thinking about? And what is the creative resource of a fantasy?

Fantasies are enormously creative and imaginative plots, and they can heal you and they can repair and they can compensate and they can transform. I mean, they are that powerful because a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. Right? That's interesting. If in my fantasy I'm irresistible, you know, I may often find that in my real life I'm slightly more insecure and not so bold. If in my real life I have a hard time

asking for what I want, I can set up a fantasy where I'm with someone who knows exactly what I want. I don't even have to ask. I don't even have to know because they know better than me. It states the problem and it offers the solution. Can someone learn to fantasize? Can it be learned? Yes. Like, I think that if people read stories here, they will have some stories they say, hmm, I'm curious about that. What would that be? Or suddenly they find themselves moist, titillated, aroused, and they suddenly have to notice that that actually speaks to them. In others, they feel gross, crass, don't want to touch that. So it's a little bit like standing in front of

a buffet and deciding which foods, which tastes, which textures, which smells appeal to you. And then from there, it opens up inside of you. Fantasies are kind of the combination of your personal history and the broad collective sweep of the cultural imagination. So a lot of fantasies, you watch them in movies and you say, ah, you don't even, it's not consciously, but you register, this is a beautiful moment where this person experiences something at the hands of this other person.

Sometimes you read and then you realize, you know, the next time around when you are pleasing yourself, you're actually going back to that thing that you read back then. Most fantasies are discovered, stumbled upon, or learned. What percentage of fantasies have roots in childhood experience in some way? Are most of our fantasies linked back to something that's happened, either a first love or a trauma or a, you know,

there's, because many, but I don't think it's, it's very broad. Yes, you can have experiences in childhood of delight, of play, and you remember of biking, of sitting on a horse, of paddling, of sitting on your granddad's lap, or your father's or mother's lap, with lots of, it's not just trauma. But for instance, there are a few fantasies,

or at least in the initial submissions, there were a few fantasies, women imagining having sex while wearing a diaper. Yes. A nappy. Yes. Because it's been 20 years I've been kind of tracking this subject, the erotic mind, the erotic imagination.

And it's amazing ability to do a lot of things. It's unique because most other fantasies, if I say I want to go to Paris, my fantasy is to travel to Paris, I would like to make Paris happen. But sexual fantasies often exist as a realm of experience that transcends the restrictions, the boundaries, your sense of self, your self image, your moral and ideological convictions. It's the transgressive nature of it that is so powerful and not your desire to want to experience it in reality. Many of our fantasies we would never want to experience in reality. And that's the opposite of most other fantasies that we have,

most other things that we imagine. So how is it that in our mind, alone or with someone, we can create absolute delight and flight of fancy about things that would make us cringe in real life So I guess what I'm understanding is that the growth or the healing around? Fantasy is not necessarily about Finding a way to enact what is in one's mind. It's more about a way to enact what is in one's mind. It's more about finding a way to learn from,

as you were saying before, what your real needs, desires, and what the solution is to those feelings, whether it's about insecurity, or whether it's about needing, at the end of the day, to be held, or whether it's about needing at the end of the day to be held, or whether it's about, you know, that one investigates the fantasy for deeper truths about oneself as a healing path to that, as opposed to the healing path being a reenactment of it in some way.

And it's not always healing. Sometimes it's just fun. It's excitement. I mean, the primary purpose of a fantasy is to intensify excitement and arousal and pleasure. Yeah. Let's be very, very clear. That is the, its main function. It's what more can I add? And sometimes it's enacted. Sometimes it doesn't need to be enacted because it's enacted in

my mind. But the interesting piece about erotic fantasies is that they often include many feelings and experiences that do not get processed so easily in other parts of our lives. You talk about the diaper, infantile needs and wishes are very big in our fantasy world. Jealousy, possessiveness, revenge, power exchange, total surrender, passivity. I mean, there are many feelings that we would not want

to experience those in, I don't want to feel jealous in real life. But in my fantasy, if that jealousy becomes an elixir, it's fun, it's playful, it's pretend, it's a great theater. I mean, as an actress, it's really, you know, the world of fantasy is a theater. Yeah. You perform the play or you read the play or you imagine the play, but it is a theater. And it's extremely important for people to understand the pretend nature because that's

what helps with the discomfort, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. And people have to understand that fantasy is play. But because it reveals them to themselves, they often think, oh, what does that say about me? That I am imagining something like that. Why are the infantile wishes so prevalent? Because for many people, it's a time when they felt very secure, when it is about

the wrapped, warm, peeing in the diaper felt it was very warm, it was being held, being cleaned. There's a lot of, for many people, positive associations with being rocked, being held, being sued. And so what we have a capacity to do is to eroticize those needs, wishes, aspirations, experiences and turn them into erotic material, basically sexually enhancing material. I don't think anybody has ever fully understood how this works and why we do this, and do other mammals have them. Everybody has a sexuality, but not everybody has an erotic life.

And a central agent of eroticism is our imagination. It's this and not that. But for many women, I just say sometimes it's the time of day, it's the weather, it's the temperature, it's things that have nothing to do with plot and accoutrements and toys. It's just anything that enhances the experience. You don't have to think about it as an elaborate script. Sure. One of the questions that came up early with journalists and promoting the book was about the fact that we included a chapter called Captive and that we discussed... Force of Diction. and that we discussed. Forced seduction. Yeah. I mean, I know for myself a number of women who

have very violent fantasies. And it was important to me that the book included those because they're true and women have them. And I wanted to ask you about that, just in terms of, I mean, as you said a minute ago, that, you know, a woman would never necessarily want that to actually happen. No, I've never seen a woman who wants a split lip. Who actually wants it to happen. Yeah. No. But the fantasy of a level of violence, I'm not sure some may be rooted in trauma. No, but if it's not, then what? No. It may be. It may be. And when it is, I think it's always important to ask the question,

is it repetition or repair? Because sometimes it's repair. I reclaim it. I have turned this story into my own story because of fantasy you are the author Yeah, you are the character you are the playwright You know you're the performer you have every role in it. You're the director and Nobody makes you do anything. You don't want to do even if the plot is That somebody is making you do something, but that's the plot you're writing exactly Is that somebody is making you do something but that's the plot you're writing exactly So I think that forced seduction has

People have been delving into it and trying to understand it and I prefer to call it that and rape fantasies and all of that but To me there's something very ingenious about the forced seduction fantasy and it's this for most of history Women could never claim their sexual wants. And so what did they do in their imagination? Sometimes they created someone who made them do everything they wanted, but that they couldn't ask for. Because de facto, if I write the story, it's everything I want.

But you're making me do it. So I never have to say, that's what I wanted. I just did it because they wanted me to, they made me. And it was such an ingenious way to be able to experience pleasure and excitement without having to claim it and own it and bear the responsibility of it. Surely today that's not the same you would hope. But I think that the power of the fantasy is actually, you know, often, there is a sense today that people, the more power they have in life,

the more sometimes they fantasize about being able to surrender that power, to not have to be responsible, to not have to take care of everything, make decisions. Look, when the force seduction, you don't make a decision. There is another person who makes you do things, and he makes you do exactly everything that you have decided you wanted them to make you do. And you never hurt. Let's be very, very clear. Nobody hurts in a fantasy. Even if the fantasy is violent, you experience pleasure. Some people, when it is repetition, when it is a sense that they can only come, or they can only climax, or they can only get aroused if it

revokes the sense of fear or the sense of dread or the sense of danger. Then we sometimes think, is this really just plain fun or is there something here of a trauma reenactment that is being played out that should be examined? Can this person experience the same kind of pleasure in a different script or is there a rigidity attached to it and now it has become fixed and it's fetishized and this is the way I come and this is the way I like it. Interesting. We have to take a brief break.

Stay with us. Support for where should we begin comes from masterclass. There's often a lot of pressure to find the right gift for our loved ones. But this holiday season, why not give them a gift with the potential to last a lifetime? With Masterclass. Masterclass is the streaming platform that brings invaluable insights

from the world's greatest minds straight to you. Plus, there's no risk. Every new membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Personally, I'm interested in trying an all-new feminism Masterclass featuring Gloria Steinem, Adrian Mary Brown, Tina Tchen, and Amanda Wynn. Masterclass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com slash begin for the current offer.

That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com slash begin for the current offer. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com slash begin. Masterclass.com slash begin. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Babbel. Many of us, particularly those of us who come from immigrant backgrounds, know what it's like to have a language barrier between loved ones. Perhaps you have a grandparent you'd love to have a connection with, but you only know how to say hello and I love you.

There's never been a better time to learn a new language, especially if you choose Babbel. Babbel is a science-backed language learning app designed by real people for real conversations. Now I have been trying to convince my husband of that because I after so many decades together would love for his French to improve so that I don't have to continuously guess does he understand it or not. I would like for him to actually speak it.

So Babbel, I'm turning to you for French with my husband. Here's a special holiday deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babel subscription. But only for you at babel.com slash esther. Get up to 60% off at babel.com slash esther. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash esther. Rules and restrictions may apply. Support for where should we begin comes from Shopify. Some say we are living in an attention economy, or maybe we should say an attention deficit economy.

That means if you're a business owner, half the battle is getting your product in front of potential customers. And the other half of the battle is making it as easy as possible for the customers to actually buy your product. And for that, you might want to try Shopify. Shopify is the online commerce platform that makes it easy to buy and sell. According to Shopify, businesses that use their shop pay feature see conversions up to 50%, meaning way less cards going abandoned and way more sales going forward.

Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. You can sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash est slash Esther all lowercase you can go to Shopify.com slash Esther to upgrade your selling today that's Shopify.com slash Esther a couple years ago someone brought a study to my attention that was referring to a predominance of post-menopausal women turning to BDSM. In what capacity? To the degree that suddenly as a post-menopausal woman for the first time in their lives, they were enjoying it or going after bondage scenarios in a way that maybe, I was curious whether you'd ever come across that.

My question was, if that were true, that a lot of women or a greater proportion of women who are through or going through menopause are interested in BDSM than younger women, what is that related to? I had some thoughts just in terms of going through a stage in life where you're feeling so completely out of control of what's happening in your body and to your body that something about the power scenario within BDSM was satisfying or feeling like they were taking ownership of not just one's output, but also what's happening to that you are in control or that you declare control in that relationship. I was wondering whether you had come across that at all?

No, I have not, not as in post-menopause, but also I would probably have a different reading. I mean, BDSM is not just, and these are heterosexual women, bisexual women, pansexual women? I don't know what the study was. I was assuming that it was across the board. Right.

I think that I had a number of thoughts when you were asking the question. I mean, one is for many women, sexuality in a long-term relationship, I would say now more in heterosexual context, but I'm not sure it's exclusive to that. It's not usually the most interesting for a lot of women. It's often penis in a vagina. It's often a five minute drive by. It's not necessarily the kind of attention that they would like to have. Bondage makes somebody pay an enormous amount of attention to you. And you have to do nothing. And you don't have to take care of anybody. And you don't have to be responsible. And you don't have to make decisions. And this is a dream for many women. Working women, caring women for others, young ones, old ones, partners, you

name it. And I think a lot of the fantasies of women are often about either being able to want everything exactly as they want or not to have to make any decision about what they want. Because the fantasy comes to replace the social role. I have a thing that I often describe that I see primarily in straight couples. I see many male partners who tell me nothing turns me on more than to see her turned on. And you say loving, caring, nice, cares about the pleasure of their partner, et cetera. I have yet to hear a straight woman tell me that

in my office about her male partner. Interesting. Nothing turns me on more than to see him turned on. It's irrelevant. It's irrelevant what he's experiencing if she's not feeling anything. She's not feeling anything. He can be standing there with a major erection right next to her. It won't turn her on.

It will not do anything to her. What turns her on is what's happening to her. And in order for that to happen, she needs to be able to completely focus on herself. And many of the fantasies are set up so that she can focus entirely on herself and not worrying about the well-being of others, on caring for them, on feeling responsible for them, all of that. That kind of narcissistic investment in the very positive sense of the word is essential to connect her with her erotic self. I am free, which is what a fantasy is a script for. I'm sovereign, means I am not responsible,

worried, caring for anyone else's well-being at this moment. I'm thinking about me for a change. Bondage offers that, submission offers that. Fantasy in general. Fantasy in general. But you were asking me about the DSM. I think if you're not able to experience so fluidly spontaneous arousal, desire, and you are more in an entrance to your sexuality that has to do with willingness. I'm willing, I'm open. It's not like I'm turned on, I'm not excited, I'm not aroused, I don't yet have any desire, but I'm open to see what will happen. Fantasy becomes ever more important in post-menopause, because if it's not coming from the body, it will come from the mind, from our imagination. So that's where I think that a good story, a good plot can do wonders.

Interesting. I have a couple more questions. Yeah, me too. I have one for you now. Because I think one of the things that you do and that I do in Where Should We Begin, so I do sessions that are anonymous. Your stories were collected anonymously. You inserted one of you anonymously in the book wand.

And the assumption is there is a freedom that we feel when we can reveal ourselves to our fantasies in an anonymous way. Yeah. What did you learn about this anonymity? Anonymity, I have to imagine that, you know, I did a book reading last night and a woman came up while I was signing and said that she wrote a particular one in the book. And I was so, it's the first person that I had met, a real human being who had

written. And I was so, you know, obviously grateful to her and, and amazed that she felt free and courageous enough for me to, you know, take a picture of her with the book and the fantasy. And I have imagined that many, many women did it purely because it was anonymous. And had it not been, and had we asked for more detail, that they would have been much shyer or maybe would not have sent them in at all. And that's even Western. I'm not even thinking about women in countries where fantasy is illegal, you know, various forms of imagination even would be considered punishable. And certainly

for the one that I put in myself, I was grateful for the anonymity of the book. Has anyone identified you? I mean, if they did, I would not. I mean, I think it's important that mine remains anonymous. I think it's a beautiful idea that you did it, that you threw yourself in the lot, so to speak. You said, I'm one of yours. I'm not just a collector of your stories. I'm part of the stories. And you swim with the fish.

Yeah. It was hard. I was really surprised at how challenging I found it. Not even the fact that I was going to be handing it to somebody else, but the writing down particular words all of a sudden felt, I keep thinking, dirty, which on the one hand, I feel like I'm not particularly square. I feel like I can hear anything and say anything, but there was something about the act of writing it down that felt

much more pornographic than the visuals or than my imagination, which was interesting. I found that interesting. Did the fact that you wrote your own change how you read the ones from the others? It made me be much more impressed by the courage that it took for women to write it. And did you write it in the beginning? No, I wrote it at the end. I kept putting it off. And then a couple of times I tried to write it while I was on airplanes and I found that

I was too paranoid about people, you know, that I couldn't do that. And then eventually I just sat myself down and did it. We are in the midst of our session and there is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break. So stay with us. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Bombas. It's not uncommon for me to hear couples describe how one of them typically likes to put their cold feet on the other one's warm body.

And that's where Bambas comes in. They have made the coziest and most giftable socks of the season. So you don't have to put your freezing feet on each other. Bambas socks are made with premium fabrics to guarantee that they'll be the warmest, comfiest pair in your drawer, like long staple cotton and merino wool. I've tried Bambas myself, from compression socks to small socks to exercise socks to the slippers. I have actually quite a bunch of them.

Plus, for every item you purchase, Bambas donates one to someone experiencing housing insecurity. So, ready to feel good and do good? Head over to bombas.com slash esther and use code esther for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash esther. Code esther at checkout. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Mint Mobile. We've all been there. You're expecting one price, and when the time comes to pay,

oops, there's an extra fee. Well, with Mint Mobile, when they say you'll pay $15 a month, they mean it. All Mint Mobile plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text, delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can even keep your own phone and your same phone number. Our producer Jessie Baker ended up trying Mint Mobile with her teenage daughter. And Jessie loves the affordable price point, which makes it a great option for her family. To get this new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month,

go to mintmobile.com slash begin. That's mintmobile.com slash begin. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash begin. $45 upfront payment is required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speeds slower above 40 gigabyte on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Autograph Collection Hotels. Autograph Collection Hotels offer over 300 independent hotels around the world, each exactly like nothing else.

Every hotel in this collection is inspired by a clear vision and a story that makes it individual and special. Guests are offered unforgettable experiences that leave a lasting imprint, from practicing medieval falconry on an Irish country estate, to exploring ancient Costa Rican mangroves to tasting volcanic wines on the Greek island of Santorini. Hands selected for their inherent craft and distinct perspectives, each hotel tells its own unique story through immersive design. Whether inspired by the horse and mule barns of Texas or the 13th century monasteries of

Prague, there's something for everyone. Autograph Collection is part of the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio of over 30 hotel brands around the show. We sort through thousands of applicants each year to pick the stories that we share with you. And the conversations that I have with couples start off as three-hour sessions. And then we thoughtfully edit them to one hour and then go back and listen to them at the notes and sometimes even a critique of the session.

It's kind of what is in my head as I listen to the session that I didn't say in the session. We create original music and sound design to bring the sessions to life. Where Should We Begin? involves a whole team who have been there since the beginning with me to bring my office to you. It's about eight years that we are telling the stories of raw, intimate encounter between people that you are invited to listen in, like a fly on the wall. It's an expensive and quite time-consuming effort to create Where Should We Begin, and which we gladly undertake because you tell us time and again

how valuable these conversations are to you, how they accompany you in critical moments of your life, how you see yourselves even in stories that have nothing to do with yours, and how it has helped you. And that is probably the most affirming thing people can come and tell me. So now we need to ask you for more and for your help. And you can do your part not only by listening, but by joining my office hour subscription on Apple podcasts.

A subscription to Where Should We Begin gives you an ad-free version of these sessions and all the Esther callings. And more importantly, a way to continue the conversations with me on all the topics that come up in these sessions, from sexlessness to work conflicts to infidelity to secrets to betrayals, all sorts of relational betrayals to ending relationships. And we offer follow-ups with the couples because people always ask me, you know, do you see them again? Do you hear from them? Do you know where this session landed? So I go back to the couples and I ask them for a follow-up, which they share with us and which I then share with you.

And just like our relationships, what you say isn't as important as what you do. So I've heard you say how much you enjoy the program, how much it adds to your understanding of your own relationships. But now it's time for me to do an offer and an ask, which means click on the subscribe button to the Where Should We Begin show page. I'd love to see you in Esther's office hours. Is it only or primarily for women or with people who identify as women? Yeah.

Or can men? It's for everyone. Oh, absolutely. Like, can I learn about myself by understanding and by reading you? That should be able to be translated to any gender and any... Exactly. And I mean, it was important to me that we asked Only Women for this particular book to send in fantasies. I have heard from many men how much they're learning from reading it.

Obviously, and what's bizarre is this never occurred to me because I was really only initially doing this for women, but men, you know, buying it to be turned on. But it is for everybody. And men, a couple of men have said that they're buying it for their daughters, for their teenage daughters. One said to counterbalance the toxic masculinity that's out there to other ideas out there about what is possible and what is okay and what other women think about. I mean, actually speaking of males, you have two sons, is that right? Yep. Yeah. I'm curious. I also have two sons. How you, when they were of, you know, of the ages

that you would have, might have had these conversations, how you taught them about, as you say, relational intelligence, how you talked about sex with them or about what women, if they were wanting to be with women, what women might want of them or what you expected them to be aware of in their relations with women? I wrote Mating in Captivity when my oldest was 11 and my youngest was 8. We had talked about sexuality basically since they were four. At four I had the first book that explained where babies come from. Because at four is when children become theologians and they ask, where do I come from and where does grandma go when she dies? And so the French general

books were started then and it was about the chickens and the elephant and the kitten and the people and how each one of them gets their little ones. And so that's how we talked about it. We talked about, you know, how it's when you like someone, you like to hold their hand, you like them to touch you. And when you don't like them, you sometimes feel like, you know, your neck goes up and your shoulders tighten. So it was woven into the conversation. There was no sexuality that didn't also include relationships.

It's one whole. And then they would sometimes like someone in the kindergarten and then in elementary school and then you talk, do you have a little girlfriend? And you normalize this. This is not necessarily the most common way in the United States, I have to admit. But then one day I was writing,

and in the front of the house were all the books that I needed to read, and there were many, many books about sexuality. And my older one came home one day and he said, "'Could you please cover all these books "'cause I have friends coming over?' And I said, if I was writing a book of weapons of mass destruction,

he would not ask me to cover anything. So we're not covering. This is normal. We're not making this an ooh, ah, ee subject. And we're not cringing around it. This is just part of life. And if your friends have questions, then we'll talk about it. And at first it was a little,. And then at one point, one day I came home and I heard him sitting with a bunch and they were talking. And then one of them finally said, how do you know this?

And my older one says, cause my mother is writing a book about it. So I said, okay, we're good. Now we can go forward. And then at first there was a little discomfort. What is this mother who writes a book? But then when the teacher came to school holding the book in hand, then they said, my teacher is reading your book. So it became respectable and everything. It took a while, took a while. On their own, one day one of them called and wanted to ask if they

could come and bring someone. And I said, you can bring bring her but I want to know her name and I want her here for breakfast. She's not coming here furtively lying to her parents not telling them where she is and then leaving this house afterwards and going home. This is not how we're going to do it. She has a name, she's dignified and and she's invited for breakfast. And then after she left the next day, which we did, and then I came into the room and I said, shall we chat? Now I know, I did said that. And I said, you don't know much. Most people in my office know very little. And the older they are, that doesn't always mean they know plenty. If there is a subject people don't know much about, it know plenty. If there is a subject people don't know much about its sexuality, if there is a subject people lie about its sexuality, is the topic

that men lie about by exaggerating its sex and women by diminishing. So shall we chat? And then the basic first, first thing was it's not a performance and an outcome based thing. It's an experience. Sex isn't just something you do. Sex is a place you go. So where do you want to go? Do you want to experience a deep connection, a spiritual union, a transcendence, fun, naughtiness, mischief?

What calls you there, you know. And more importantly than anything else, slow down. Slow down. You will always go too fast for now. Yeah. And that was kind of the first conversation we had. Can you teach boys respect for women? Absolutely.

But you also... And so what would the language be? How would you, you know, particularly in this day, this time of Andrew Tate's, et cetera, how do you begin that conversation with them knowing that there is the other dialogue going around about it? So that they listen and don't. Does it matter to you what she experiences? She, they, he.

Yeah. Yeah. Does it matter what your partner experiences? Would it make a difference for you if your partner said this was a wonderful moment. And that you would know that you were the source of that in part. I think that that will give you a whole different experience of sexuality, partnered sexuality. And then if you tell me yes, I wouldn't mind, I'd like that. Who would say no to that kind of thing?

Then I would say here are ways that you can demonstrate that and that you can invite that, would that intrigue you? Never give away what you know before you have the buy-in. Make them really want to know. Because I didn't just talk to my sons. I talked to the whole group of friends around. You know, it was like the mother you can talk to. But it's not like you sit down for one conversation and you teach.

It has to be an easy integrated flow of conversation. It's not, I sit you down and let me tell you what you need to do. There is a way of thinking about sexuality that's very different from most of what you're gonna see. You know this thing porn that you may enjoy, lots of people get turned on to it. But just so you know, for a lot of people

that is the last thing that they really want. so you know for a lot of people that is the last thing that they really want. And before you begin to bring all what you watched on screen, take your time to discover it with the other person. Get to know them. Get to know how they like to be touched. Get to know by them holding your hand how they like to touch, how they give touch and how they take touch, how they please you and how they please themselves. Get to know them. Be curious. Don't think you need to know. I remember one of them, I said, you're not expected to know. You didn't learn baseball in one day. You didn't learn baseball in one year either. So this idea that you have in your mind that you should just know, know you know squat.

And then at the end it was like, do other kids talk like that? I said, I don't know, but I would feel really bad that the world wants to talk to me and not my own sons. Or their friends that I've known since they're born. So that's the way you teach. You weave it in, you normalize it, you make it comfortable. You don't accuse them of anything. They're boys, they're not supposed to know.

Yet. Yet. to know. Yet. Yet. How would you apply relational intelligence to the concept of fantasy? Let's say in my relationship, I've been married for 20 years, my partner, my husband, let's say, has never quite been able to satisfy me in the way that very often I take myself off alone afterwards and satisfy myself for another time and that's how I get pleasured. But because of reading this book, I want to address the subject. No, don't. Not like that. I guess that's my question. You don't start from your book. If you start from the place which you just described.

I live with someone who basically I've never really come with them. I enjoy it somewhat or not at all or I wait for it to be over or I actually enjoy it but I've never come etc. etc. You don't start with a fantasy. Because you don't even know if the other person, I read one like that this morning. I'm with my partner for, I'm think 20 something years. We have zero romantic relationship. When I want to tell him, he instantly feels criticized. I probably do because by now I'm so frustrated, so fed up. I think the first thing, I just did a desire bundle, these two digital courses on sexuality. And one is really starting from the place of we're stuck.

Nothing's happening. That demands one kind of conversation. The other one starts from we have a flicker, we would like a flame. That one could start with your book. The first one, you first write and you just say, I've been thinking. And I think it's writing. You write a letter by hand and you put it wherever they will find it. I've been thinking, I've been thinking about us and I've been wanting to bring this up for many years and I actually don't always, don't know how.

I don't find my words. I'm afraid you're gonna be upset that we're gonna end up in an argument. That's the least thing I would want. What I really hope is to create the deeper connection between us because I know that we really care deeply for each other. But I know that we really care deeply for each other. But I know that we've never really been able to have an adult conversation about sexuality.

We will talk about renovations of our houses, umpteen times, but we will never talk about the renovations we could have in our own relationships, home improvement, you know, of our own sort. And before I even say anything, I was wondering, does that even interest you? Would you be open to that? Can I invite you into this conversation? And maybe just answer me in writing. We may not be ready to have a face-to-face conversation, so we'll do it side by side.

That would be the opening. You do not come and say, you know what I would really like that would get me off is this. No, no, no. Yeah. I think I meant just as the result of having read it, one decides that they want to have the conversation with the partner and how did they go about doing that. So that's fantastic. I think most people start from a very different place. They've never, you know, how is it? It works.

What does it mean? We both come. And how is it? It works. Right. So I'm trying to think, I, before we enter the fantasy world, that doesn't mean they can't go there.

But sometimes it starts with, if you could have a mini-session where each of you could just show exactly how they would want the other person to touch them. And all you do is you guide them. And you can even do it with your clothes as in a good sense of focus. But it is about having someone who is completely attentive and attuned to you.

That in itself is a fantasy too. And then you sustain it. Yours are advanced. There's a lot of fantasies in there where it's, you know, the bottom line is a woman wanting to be loved for exactly who she is. Yes, and seen and seen and heard and adored and cherished. Yes, cherished. And I see a lot of cherished spouses and famished lovers.

Interesting. So it has to start, it starts much more basic, you know. But we have to stop, so I was thinking, what's this like for you? Because they usually interview you, you and he would do it. It's really fascinating. I've had some fantastic conversations with women. One thing that I want to make sure that we speak about before we finish is the area that I think I'm most interested in what's coming from this, which is about a new sense of empowerment in starting this conversation in this community that's developing because of the book.

It's encouraging women to find their voice. Right. But what you just highlighted when you talked about cherished and adored and being loved for exactly who she is, is that that's not always how she experiences herself. Correct. She experiences herself with much more of a critical voice, a comparative voice, a competitive voice, a voice of abnegation, and so the fantasy of being received and loved as she is stands in contrast. Exactly. So that's the fantasy that repairs and compensates. The power, I think it's empowerment and self-acceptance

are interconnected. Absolutely agree. And so when she finds her voice, if I ask her, this is a very different level of question, just like I turn myself on when or by, which is different than what turns me on is or you turn me on when. Yeah.

And sometimes it starts with I turn myself on when I walk in nature, when I listen to music, when I dance in the bathroom, when I pamper myself, when I go out with my girlfriends, when I read a good book. It's basically I give myself the permission to attend to myself. It's the personal version of the same in the fantasy.

Is that the first step before being able to ask that of somebody else? I don't know. I imagine for some it may be me first, you next, and for others it may be you first, me next. I don't know that there is a one size fits all. But what I do know is that when you ask women, how do I turn myself on or off? The answers are not sexual in nature. They have to do with empowerment. They have to do with what you're highlighting, with self-acceptance,

with body image, with sensuality, with pleasure, with nurturing oneself, with attending to oneself. And that in itself is the first level of adoring myself or particularly adoring and cherishing. And so much shame. Yes. Yeah, we did that. We can't have this conversation without using this word at least once. You know, because you paid a lot of attention to that. Yeah. And I think that that cherishing myself, attending to myself, is on the other side of the shame. Absolutely. Where should we begin with Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media Podcast Network in partnership with New York Magazine and

The Cut. Our production staff includes Eric Newsom, Destrie Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller, and Julian Att. Original music and additional production by Paul Schneider. And the executive producers of Where Should We Begin are Esther Perel and Jesse Baker. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller,

and Jack Saul. Do you feel like your leads never lead anywhere, and you're making content that no one sees, and it takes forever to build a campaign? Well, that's why we built HubSpot. It's an AI-powered customer platform that builds campaigns for you, tells you which leads are worth knowing, and makes writing blogs, creating videos, and posting on social a breeze. So now, it's easier than ever to be a marketer. Get started at hubspot.com slash marketers.

Your own weight loss journey is personal. Everyone's diet is different, everyone's bodies are different, and according to Noom, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Noom wants to help you stay focused on what's important to you with their psychology and biology-based approach. This program helps you understand the science behind your eating choices and helps you build new habits for a healthier lifestyle. Stay focused on what's important to you with Noom's psychology and biology based approach. Sign up for your free trial today at Noom.com.