Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel - The Arc of Love - Young Love

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

They met in college; he's a U.S. citizen and she's trapped in a cross-border limbo. Their young love complicated by immigration status and politics, Esther helps them appreciate each other's sacrifices as they contemplate marriage. What you are about to hear is a series Esther calls The Arc of Love. Each session centers around a couple’s story. Whether it’s issues of trust and betrayal, care and aggression, closeness and distance, repair and rupture, polyamory or monogamy. The episodes can be listened to in any order you want but were curated with a beginning, middle, and end. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What you are about to hear is a series Esther calls the arc of love. Each session centers around a couple's story, whether it's issues of trust and betrayal, care and aggression, closeness and distance, repair and rupture, polyamory or monogamy. The episodes can be listened to in any order you want, but we're curated with a beginning, middle and end. As always,

none of the voices in this series are ongoing patients of Esther Perel's. Each episode of Where Should We Begin is a one-time counseling session.

For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality, names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed, but their voices and their stories are real.

I guess in a nutshell, she has put her life completely on pause while mine still moves forward. And again, she's had to do that as a necessary sacrifice to make this work. The first couple that we meet is in its formation stage. It is a young couple in their mid-twenties. They have been together since college. We always say it's really strange that we went to Iowa to school to find the other Mexican kid. For the last two years, they live a long-distance relationship

where she lives in Mexico and he in Texas. I'm the one who travels. And if he can get a secure job in the US, then that's what we're going to do. That's my end of the bargain for now. When she's a citizen, things can balance out. But I feel like it's a lot. The circumstances of life are propelling them into a rate of commitment that they may have not followed if they both were in the same place.

There's this fear for both of us that immigration laws might be changed. I would want to give you the privilege of being a citizen and being established here. So it makes us act now because things might change legally and we don't want that to affect us. And so they grapple with the decision to get married and immigrate and to become a citizen and all kinds of things that sometimes seem to pit immigration against romance. It's just like so business, like, okay, this is what we have to do okay we have to go sign this paper and we have to you know get married okay great and where is the romance in that this is where should we begin with astaire perrell

every love story takes place at a particular time and place in history and geographically, and you are living that. But at the same time, you also have an opportunity to decide what you want to do with the external forces so that it doesn't just feel like a big hand is hovering over you and forcing you to do things? Or do you feel that you have no say? I think that part of the hand that's moving is that she's older and I feel like she is getting closer to the point of wanting a more stable life and wanting a sort of greater

commitment. So there's that hand hovering over at least me personally, but there's also the external forces of the political context. And I feel like I need to start delivering on a certain maturity level and a certain mindset in order to keep this relationship going and moving forward. All right, we have a lot to talk about. We have a one-shot deal.

But who's in the family? My mom, my dad, and I have two brothers that are younger. I'm the oldest. And you carry the traditional role of the eldest in the family? Do you translate papers for them? Do you sign for them? Are you also not only the firstborn,

but also the first American? Yeah, I gave my mom citizenship. My parents met once before they got married. They talked for like three months over the phone. And then I'm the oldest. I was born here. I gave my mom citizenship. So you've done this already once.

Yeah. To a woman. Yeah. That matters a great deal to you. Yeah. Yeah. to a woman that matters a great deal to you. But now that you make me think of it, it was actually a very big moment because my parents have a very traditional marriage.

My mom, she's here because he's here. She never really worked. And I mean that in a respectful way. Of course she worked. She raised three boys, which is a very hard job. But she never had a professional career. So over the last few years, my parents have had a lot of fights, relationship fights, a lot of relationship issues. And I've been thrown in the middle of it where my dad comes to me. Your mom did this. Your mom did that. My mom comes to me. Your dad did this. Your dad did that. And they only confide in me because I'm the oldest.

And I've exerted a lot of energy trying to help them out. And she's very dependent on him. So I think that giving me on my parents. And on you. And on me, yes. So it was very important to me that I was able to give her the ability to feel independent as she expressed it because now she can go out and

get a job if she wanted to leave him she doesn't have to worry about his money because she can go out and do her own thing so in that sense you know how deeply you feel that i think so i've told her you have yeah and as painful as it was it felt. Because I didn't like to see her trapped. Take this in. It's okay. I just love my mom. I don't understand relationships as well as you do or... Oh, God, I think you understood relationships from the cradle on. If you acted the way you did, and if you feel the depth

of feelings about them and her and the power structure and her being trapped and wanting to at least give her the agency to be able to leave if she wants, et cetera, et cetera, you have understood some major pieces about relationships. Without any degree, it's called life. Thank you. As an American born at the age of 21, a child can give citizenship to the parent. For this young man to give his mother citizenship was equivalent of setting her free, of allowing her the rights to decide on her professional life and on her very unhappy marriage.

In the aftermath of her becoming an American citizen, his mother is able to start a business of her own which she now runs with her husband and that in itself has created a major improvement in their relationship but also a massive shift in the power structure of their relationship. She is no longer economically dependent on her husband and she no longer needs to be as emotionally dependent therefore on her son. So you have already had to feel very responsible for a woman and her life choices. This is take two of a similar story. You've had to decide which man you were going to be

that wasn't going to be like your dad. And you took tremendous strength and pride in helping your mother be free, not be tied and dependent and without any options, and helping her to know that she was not alone and that somebody saw what was going on for her. She thanked me for it? Mm-hmm.

And you get along with her? Because that would be crucial. Yes, I get along with both his parents and his siblings as well. They love her. She and I see each other often, just the two of us. We'll go get coffee or I'll help her out with some of the business things so I think she enjoys because it's all all men so I think she enjoys having someone to talk a woman to enter the system yes oh my god so she I think she really likes hanging out and just talking to someone but I have a question to you. Sure. Because you have been a responsible son.

In many ways, you have been what they call in my jargon, a parentified child. It's sometimes the child who has to become a parent. I felt like that. And to take on the role of the parent and the responsibility of the parent in a family. And when you think about, you feel like it's more responsibility. A lot. And part of you says, will I ever have a chance to play in life? Is there ever a period where I don't have to be responsible? I do feel like that.

You do, right? Yeah. Do you know that? And this has nothing to do with how much he loves you or doesn't love you. You understand that? I understand. No do with how much she loves you or doesn't love you. Do you understand that? I understand. No, it doesn't.

It just... I started at my job that I'm now when I was 23, and I went out to get this job because I knew that, or I felt like my end of the deal was to make sure that as long as she can't work to the extent that I can, that there needs to be a roof over her heads, and there extent that I can, that there needs to be a roof over our heads and there needs to be food and there needs to be a car. I was happy to do that, obviously. That's my end of the bargain for now, right? Because this is temporary. Like, when she's a citizen, things can balance out. But I feel like it's a lot. I've had to work very,

very hard. And I feel like I'm 35 years old sometimes. I feel like I have kids, you know. Do you feel she gets that? Or do you feel that at this point each of you is in touch with what is hard for you? I think we're each in touch with what's hard for each other. And you compete for who has the hardest. Yeah. Yes?

Bingo. That's the problem. Bingo. And who wins in this impossible competition of the title of greater victim? Or who sacrifices more? Or who has given up more of their youth? I think no one's won lately.

Okay. Yeah. I know she has told me that I don't sacrifice as much as she does. And that's been very hurtful. Because I've never told her that her sacrifice is not important. I know it is.

You know, even just traveling here to New York and taking a flight, I tell myself I can't be doing this twice a month, and she does. I wouldn't be able to, so I understand. But I think she doesn't think I understand and that's very hard and how come I think that I know he understands logically he's an intelligent person so he understands what I'm saying what I mean is if you understood then you would change some behaviors of yours. So for example then there are times when he will work like he said many many hours and then he

comes home and he talks more about work and then he wants to go to bed. And for me it gets a little frustrating because you know he has work to go to bed. And for me, it gets a little frustrating because, you know, he has work to go to. He has other things to do outside of our lives. And then he comes home and he's too tired to connect with me. And I'm just, you know, I'm here because of you. I get it. Yeah. And what is your life like in Mexico? It's actually pretty great. When I'm in Mexico, I'm with my parents and my sister, who still lives at home. And I work from home, so I work at my computer.

So you work from home in what sense? I work helping women, mostly women, start their own businesses and put their businesses online. So you have a career. Yeah, I do work. And you can do it from anywhere. Correct. It's not like you have put that part. Okay, I wasn't clear on that.

So the reason why I started doing that work was because… It travels with you. Yeah, exactly. But because of the travel, it's not like I can establish myself anywhere. It's not like I can have employees and grow and everything like that. So it's to balance, definitely. When did the pressure start to mount? How many years were you together in the U.S. versus apart?

It's about to be two years. Yeah, it's almost two years. And at this time, when you don't see each other and you get into arguments, you think it's because you don't get to be enough together. But then when we are together, you end up having arguments as well, and then you wonder what are we going to do. Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. So there's less and less joy, and there's more and more friction. You say, I do everything I can, and you say, obviously you don't, and then you break down and you say you have no idea. I'm killing myself at my job. I'm doing the old thing that men have always done.

I try to take care of you the best way I can. And she still comes and says, but that's not the way I really need you to. Yeah. And then you say, you know, what more can I give you than my entire life being, you know, dictated by our circumstances. But then when you come together, you don't get to actually experience the closeness because you're constantly arguing about the lack of closeness yeah yeah all right what are we gonna do I don't know because as is it's gonna wear you down definitely well I don't know which one of you is going to snap first and just say, I can't do this. I already did.

About a month and a half ago, at my job, I had gotten a really big promotion back in November. I felt like, and I told her this, she didn't like that I got promoted. First of all, we're very jealous people of each other. That's not a secret. Because one of the first things that she asked me when I got promoted was, so now there's going to be women messaging you. You're going to give them your number.

And I immediately thought, we're going to have problems. The way she expressed it was she felt like I loved my job more than I love her. In my mind, they were two different things. That description that she had before. Which one? He gives everything to work, and when he comes home, he talks more about work, and then he checks out. And on occasion, I'm left feeling rather lonely.

Fair? Fair. Okay. That's what we're talking about. It's not you love more. It's that when you are as absorbed as you are, and this idea of you love your job more than you love me, this is off.

Don't. Yeah, no. That's not what I meant. Okay. How do I find a way to love what I do, to be completely invested in it, et cetera? But when she visits, I change something so that I have something left inside of me to also give some energy to us.

Otherwise, I put everything in work and I bring the leftovers home. And then when I come home, all I really want to do is chill. I put my feet up and not have to make any effort and not have to talk. And then she says, what am I here for? You know, you're completely exhausted. It doesn't seem to make a difference if I come or if I don't come. I'm imagining a narrative like this. Yes, of course. Hot or cold? It's very hot. Very hot.

All right, fix it. What would you add to it? Um, because I think that he... That doesn't mean any of this is true, huh? Right, that's what I feel. Give me... Right. So I think that when I'm asking you questions about are people going to be texting you, etc. I know it's easier to think, oh, maybe she's jealous, rather than think she's just thinking this is going to take up

even more of my time and more of my attention. Now I have to be answering the phone when I'm not at work as well. Can there be both? Yeah, but I think that it's, like, we have tried to work on, like, the jealousy stuff. And I feel like when it comes to the work, that's not what's in my mind. Like, I'm just more concerned about. What is the jealousy? I think that it's, it was hard because it's always been, I was older than he was when we met.

I'm still older than he is, but... That won't change. Yeah, that's never going to change. But I think that I met him and I knew of him and I knew who he was. I knew stuff about him before we actually got together that's always stayed in the back of my mind you know he he's handsome you know he was he was popular people liked him and what was it like when he picked you I honestly didn't take it seriously and

and he will I did not take it seriously because people like my friends used to tell him like do you have no chance. She was smart. She was popular, intelligent, pretty, amazing personality. I've never felt like I was good enough for her. So I was always told that I didn't have an opportunity with her. So for me, it didn't make sense that why is this like player, why would he be interested in someone like me who's not doing? And the answer was? How have you answered it now that you know? Like, why he was interested?

Mm-hmm. Why you? I mean, at first I thought that it was like a game. Reaching beyond his... Yeah, like, I'm going to try and get this girl that his friends were telling him it's impossible, like, she's never going to pay attention to you.

And so I thought he was just seeing what was that. And at first, because we get along so well, it was an instant connection for us because it was like, you understand me in a way that a lot of people wouldn't because you understand my culture,

you understand my language, you understand a lot of things about me that people here at college don't. So for us it was always super easy to get along. Did you present yourself in a more American way in college? Me? No, I think we were just, because at college, he's Latino,

but I was international. So it's a different, we're different types of students. So I was the only student from Mexico, technically, like the only international student from Mexico, but there were other students who have Latino heritage or are Latino but are actually American, and because he has an American citizenship, he's not considered an American.

She was actually disappointed when she looked me up. I did like it. And she saw I was from Texas. Yeah. The first time I saw him, he was working at a store, like a cafe on campus. And I saw him and I was like, that guy's Mexican. Like I'm so excited. Like he's cute, he's Mexican.

And we have this database where you can look people up. So I saw his tag and I saw his name. And I looked it up and it comes up that he's like from Texas I was like no. Why? Why? What is the meaning of this? There's um I don't I don't know this is the right word but there's the whole like real Mexican and fake Mexican because there's a lot of people that grow up here in the States and they're Mexican but they don't really understand life and culture

over there. You connect differently. It's not to discount their identities because i know there are a lot of people now who who are in this gray area where in the u.s they're not american but in mexico nobody considers them mexican so they're searching for their identity i think that's the difference does that make sense yes of course so that's where we connected because she even though she was a little bit disappointed i was from Texas when we talked, she realized that I lived there and that, in fact, I did have that identity. And that he speaks Spanish, so I was like, oh. While they talk about who is the true Mexican,

I realized that for that part of their relationship, I am not needed. That is actually where they are complicit with each other. And of course, the background story of she was the unattainable girl and he was the player who was going to pursue her. That remains very central to the origins of their relationship and at the same time at this point one of the key conundrums that they grapple with exists rather outside of that context that story adds coloring to it but it is not essential the dynamic by which in a couple people compete for who should listen to who and who deserves

the empathy of who in which one person says I feel something and the other person says but I'm doing so much already that actually is a dynamic that transcends color origins and background stories. We have to take a brief break. Stay with us. I have a question for you. Sure. When she tells you that she feels something, whatever,

she says, I would love more attention, or I feel a little bit like I have to spend the whole day alone here and I would love to talk when you come home, or this is hard for me. Do you immediately feel pressure? I don't know if pressure is hard for me. Do you immediately feel pressure? I don't know if pressure is the right word. What would be the right word? Motivation. Yeah, like you have to do something.

Like I want to do something. Like you want to do something and you have to fix it. Yeah. Right. Partly because this kind of competence, instrumental competence, fixing things, I think is a little bit part of the way that boys are socialized. And partly because that's been your role in the family. If your mother has a feeling, you need to do something about it.

Yeah. And if you can't do anything about it, then you want her to understand you. Yeah. And if you can't do anything about it, then you want her to understand you. Yeah. And it instantly becomes whose sacrifice or whose burdens are bigger, rather than just simply taking her in your arms and just saying, thanks for reminding me. Or, you know what, let me take a quick break and I'll get some energy for us. Or, I know it's been a tough day. Or, I know that some days it must be lonely for you. And that's

about probably all she needs. She doesn't need you to fix it. She doesn't need you to become defensive about why it is that you have nothing left to give because you work so hard, because you're making sure that you can provide for her and for your whole family and that you're 23 and that you live like you're 40. In fact, she doesn't need the whole saga. First of all, she knows it, she appreciates it, but all she needs is just someone who says, I know where you're at. And that means you have to do very little fixing.

This dynamic where one person expresses a feeling and the other person experiences that as a burden upon which they need to act in order to fix it so that the feeling goes away is a very common dynamic in relationships. It is often a man who takes the role of the instrumental fixer. When I say you have to do very little, it is not that there is not much to do, but the doing isn't about fixing.

The doing is simply about making space and allowing the other person to express whatever they express. And that in itself makes the feeling, if you want, go away, rather than trying to fix it, not being able to do so, and then wanting sympathy for how hard you have tried because you are suffering with your powerlessness in making the feeling go away. It is such a common couples dynamic that we are addressing here and very difficult for many of us sometimes to just simply say, I hear you, I know it's tough, you had a hard day, and to think that that is actually equivalent to doing a lot.

You overburden yourself with your motivation. And in the end, she doesn't get the acknowledgement that she needs or that she wants because either you can fix it right away, either you start to become critical about how is, why she feels the way she feels because you're trying so hard and you're still not able to make the feeling go away. Yeah, that's how it feels. And that piece of you feeling that you are this person with all these people who depend

on you, your children in ways, that is not a role that you want to stay in. While I'm interested in the sense of responsibility that he feels over the psychological well-being of the women in his life, I'm also interested in how this young woman seems to be much more independent when she's in Mexico without him than when she's with him. Something happens to her whereby she relinquishes her choices, her ability to move, and she puts herself into the role of needing to be cared for. Like my fantasy at this particular moment is that

when you're in Mexico, you're much more independent than when you're here. It's like you give up all your resources when you show up here, and you plop yourself. And in a way, you say to him, now you do. I've done my part, which is to show up, and now you do the rest. And you are not the same person when you're here and when you're there. Yeah. No.

That's true. It's very true. When I'm in Mexico, my phone doesn't work, for example. So sometimes we don't even text or talk. And at the end of the day when I come back home, it's like just checking in and that's fine. And you do things in Mexico. Yeah. Besides work. Yeah.

And you have friends. Yeah. And you have fun. Yes. And none of that travels with you. So that's a problem. Why? Why do you get into this situation?

I don't know. He loves the independent woman but the independent woman doesn't come to Texas. She stays in Mexico. Bingo. It's like he loves the independent woman, but the independent woman doesn't come to Texas. Bingo. She stays in Mexico. Bingo. That's very true. That is true. I think it might be just an excuse, but I feel that I really think like it's,

like I haven't come to the acceptance yet that, okay, this is like, I'm actually coming. See, that's your version of what he does. You too stop living. Yeah. You have more than one home now. Yeah. You have two homes. And you need a life in each home. With your activities, your people, your habits, your schedules, and they both become your homes. You have freedom.

You can come, you can go, you can decide if you want to come less often, more often. But there is a part of you that does it and says to him, I'm doing all of this for you. Therefore, you need to... And that's a story that you're choosing. What would happen if you said, I'm choosing this for me? Are you allowed to make these choices for you? Or are these only things that a woman can do for a man? Are you allowed to leave home on your own terms? Yes. For things that have nothing to do with a man is waiting for me? Yeah, definitely.

You are? Yes. Okay. You know that? Yeah. You agree? You believe? We're on board?

Which is why I love her. Okay. It's like what I was describing her when she was in school. Her is right here. We're always so independent that the reason being with you makes me feel safe is because I don't feel like I have to take care of you. Like, I've never felt like you're going to be someone that, like with my parents, that just one of them doesn't work

and I have to take care of you forever. I've taken this responsibility because, and like I've told you multiple times, I know it's temporary, that you do want to have a career, that you're not just going to be bound to me, and I love that. But she's also that you do want to have a career that you're not just gonna be bound to me And I love that but she's also telling you one more thing. I Am very independent but on occasion I like a little bit of attention Without you thinking that that means that you have to take care of me, right?

Because you live between the two extremes Yes, he does. Say more. He... No, no, he. Oh. I think you do feel like I am working, I'm independent, and... Therefore I have no needs.

Exactly. And therefore you feel that when you come home, like, okay, cool. You know, we both work. We did our thing. Now let's go to bed. And I still want to, like, connect with you because I miss you. I mean, I love you. I want to be with you.

And so I feel like when you come home and you're just like, you're good, you know, and that's it. But there were things that... Hold on one sec. What did you hear her say just now? I heard her, I heard you say that I'm there but I'm not there mentally. No, no, no. That's a paraphrase.

You know, when we are in a rebuttal and we disagree on stuff, generally we can tolerate listening to 10 seconds before we forget what has just been said because we're busy with our response. Yeah. So say it again and just listen. And then before you answer, just say what I'm hearing you say and repeat it. All right. Let it land on you before you go right out with your rebuttal.

The problem, I think, is that when you are with me, you are not present. All right, I'm going to give you a frame, a structure. X, Y, Z. When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z. Because then you're talking about you and what your experience is, and you're not busy describing him for which he will then become defensive because none of us want to be defined by anybody else. So when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z. are still thinking about work and other things that are unrelated to our relationship. When I am with you, I feel completely lonely and ignored. What I'm hearing you say? What I'm hearing you say is that when I am thinking about work

and things that have nothing to do with our relationship, when I am around you, you feel alone. Is this it? You can ask so you know that you captured it. Is this it? You can ask so you know that you captured it. Is this it? I think I feel more lonely than alone. Lonely. I don't engage you, so you feel lonely.

Do I rebuttal now? I don't know. Can you respond without rebuttal? Meaning, you don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to counterattack. You can just simply say... I understand. I do.

I know you said don't defend yourself. I'm not trying to defend myself. I do understand how you feel because I do genuinely feel that if the roles were reversed and we were living in Mexico and you were working all day and coming home and I was trying to engage you maybe on a book I read or something and you just were checked out, I would probably feel lonely as well. Great. That's a wonderful answer. I would probably feel lonely. I would. I feel lonely when you're not here and I've told you that.

Even when you're just not here and you're traveling, I feel lonely coming home to the apartment. So I understand that that's probably how you feel. The focus is on switching from reactive to reflective. And so I introduce a way for him to practice reflective listening. And for her to speak in a way that takes ownership over her feelings and speaks about her without it becoming statements about him. What do you do for fun? I watch soccer. And when you are together?

We try to find... We try to make every Friday date night, so we try to find, like, maybe a food that we want to try, like Moroccan or something, and then we go to a movie. Mm-hmm. And then on the weekend... You visit his parents. We might visit my parents, or we'll stay inside.

I'll admit that I don't know if you do that for me. Like, if you just say... I mean, I know you want to stay in, because you. And you spend most of your time just the two of you? Yeah. And where are all the college friends? Gone. Where? Well, her friends live in different countries.

Right. And I just barely interact with mine. They live in different states. You're like a cactus. Explain. different states you're like a cactus explain it means you you lack connections with others that are playful friendly easy light fun that in itself is going to suck the oxygen out of both of you because you're expecting everything from each other. Yeah. If your only value for being here

is measured by his acknowledgement, and if he's the only one that can tell you it's nice to see you, that's too much on one person and not enough for you. I realize that we've been talking for two hours about their challenges and the difficulties and the burdens of their relationship. And there's a major dimension that has not been addressed. These are two young people in their 20s. Where's the fun? I want to make sure that we don't forget that erotic dimension of their relationship,

that feeling of aliveness, of vibrancy, of vitality that one hopes to find throughout a relationship, but certainly in the beginning of a relationship. We are in the midst of our session and there is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break, so stay with us. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one platform that you can use to build a website and help people find your ventures. Whether you're seeking a location for your podcast,

teaching language courses or selling handcrafted ceramics, Squarespace has all the tools you need to create a home on the web. You can create a polished professional place that connects people with whatever you are excited about. Squarespace also supports all forms of connecting with those people. Whether you're selling products online or in person, or offering memberships, you can make your website look exactly how you want it to be. They even have tools that help you create a custom logo. And they make it easy to create a place where people can schedule an appointment

with you, browse your services, or learn more about why you do what you do. Visit squarespace.com slash Esther for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Esther to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. So how do we first of all create a social circle for you? This is not good ecology. I feel like I haven't created a social circle for myself

because I have felt like it would be unfair because I'm going to make you feel like I'm just trying to get away from this relationship and I'm going to make you feel like I'm just trying to get away from this relationship and I'm tired of you. Mm-mm-mm. I mean, personally, I like to stay in

because I'm tired, but, like, I also... No, you need friends. You're holding each other too tight. You're holding each other too tight and everything gets personalized. I don't want you to feel X, so I'm going to deprive myself of. And in the end, you're going to suffocate each of you. You need more than one

person in life. And you need people with whom you have other kinds of interactions. And then when she comes, you can say, I have this group of people, let's go and meet such and such. And maybe she'll meet somebody there, and then she makes a new friend as well. And each of you feel multiply supported, irrespective of the borders, irrespective of the travel. That, people, you don't need any INS to help you change this. You can do this on your own.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, there are big things which you may not be able to influence, but there are small things that are just as big, actually, that you can change as of today. You don't prove anything to her by going into a sensory deprivation tank and experiencing nothing of life as a way to show to her that she's the only thing in life that

matters. Does she put guilt on you? You feel that she or do you feel that you cannot separate yourself? I think that when you talk about your sacrifices versus mine and it frames it in the context of your sacrifices are greater you make me feel guilty so yeah I think you two put guilt on me. So when I when I talk about things that I'm sacrificing you feel that's me trying to guilt you into? I don't think you're doing it on purpose but that's just how I am. I feel guilty and I start feeling like maybe I should be doing more to make you feel better. Okay, we're going to suggest something.

When you feel guilty, in this particular instance, it's a noble feeling and it's useless. At the best, you should be appreciative. Instead, if you feel guilty, it still is about you. If you are thankful, then you're saying to her, I'm a lucky man that I have a woman who's willing to travel across the border with all of the, what that means, twice a month to be with me. Man, I'm going to savor this.

Can you imagine this? twice a month to be with me. Man, I'm gonna savor this. Can you imagine this? Wanna try it? I always thought I'm the luckiest person in the world. I know you sacrificed a lot. And you, and I'm thankful. Yeah, yeah, from a place of I owe you. It's a very different feeling when you just say, I'm so appreciative because you make this possible for us. And that will make her feel, A, special, two, acknowledge to acknowledge three that what she does has meaning

and it will make you feel that you are important to her and it's a win-win on every front love comes with an element of entitlement in which I feel deserving of the fact that you love me. And when you do all this for me, when you travel for me, one would hope that he would feel appreciative, thankful, and good about himself for being that important in someone else's life. Unfortunately, at this moment, he still feels that he has to tell her, I'm working hard for this. I'm not just receiving. I am meriting what you're giving me.

I do my share. And part of this he acknowledges is that he still doesn't feel good enough about himself to just appreciate the entitlement of love rather than the conditionality of love. It's very hard. Because I don't feel appreciated. You're stuck. I am. You're stuck. You don't feel like you deserve this

until you tell her what you're doing for her too. Yes. Rather than just receiving this. It makes you feel not good enough. But no, it should make you feel marvelous. Yeah, you're already good enough. So, will you tell him one more time how much you give things up to be with him? Try it.

It's really hard to structure my life around our relationship, and I do it every month. I get on planes, I cross the border, and I do it even though it's really difficult. Thank you. That's all I need to hear. Like honestly that is all I want to hear. Just thank you. What is your nickname for her? I call her Wapa.

Wapa. Princess. So that's where you wanna start. With that word. Gracias, Wapa. Gracias. Say it again. Gracias.

Gracias. What is beautiful about this couple is that they come in the beginning. And so many times couples come, often when it's too late often past due date here everything is still in the make and so the dough is still hot and it can still be baked Thank you. To apply with your partner for a session on the podcast, for the transcripts or show notes on each episode, or to sign up for Esther's monthly newsletter, go to estherperel.com. Esther Perel is the author of Mating in Captivity in the State of Affairs. She also created a game of stories called Where Should We Begin? For details, go to her website, estherperel.com.