Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Akaash Singh

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

Santino sits down with Akaash Singh to chat about his new special "Bring Back Apu," how Ted Cruz retweeted him, geniuses in his family, getting in a car accident in Oregon and we praise Pete Davidson for his roster. COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SUNDAY Get that custom lawn care that is safe for kids and pets https://getsunday.com/whiskey20 FITBOD Get that tush in shape now! Stop being lazy Go to https://fitbod.me/whiskey/ Get 25% OFF!!! HUEL Get a full meal with tons of protein in one shake Go to https://huel.com/whiskey Get FREE shipping and a FREE shaker and t-shirt BETTER HELP Get professional counseling done securely online 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey done say. I think I should do a mustache at some point to get my Steve Harvey on. Show me I can't sing! Akash is on this week on Whiskey Ginge. Funny dude. Very funny dude. Watch his special right now. Bring back Apu. It is on the YouTube. Million and a half views right now keep it growing

keep it going also thank you guys so much for watching the show listening to the show however you're consuming the show like it subscribe share it and also you know hit the notification bell it pushes us around the internet uh when you share it and when you comment it helps the algorithm as we say i I'm on tour. AndrewSantino.com. AndrewSantino.com. We've added some new dates. We're adding more dates.

Bobby and I are going to be doing Bad Friends in Moontower in Austin. Then the next night, I'm doing Dallas. We're going to announce that this week. I think we just did. So I'm doing Dallas, Austin, Hawaii. I'm going to Hawaii. I'm doing Irvine, March 18th and 19th. I'll be in Irvine, Southern California.

Let's go. And then I'm also doing Las Vegas. Las Vegas at the end of March, the 26th. Vegas, come on out. AndrewSantino.com for the tickets. AndrewSantino.com for the tickets. I love you. I appreciate you.

Enough rambling from your boy. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. from your boy. Let's go to the episode. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is the first time. This is the hopefully inaugural. We'll do this all the time.

The birth of one of my new favorite brown people. Akash Singh, what's up, dude? Thank you, buddy. Thank you for coming. I appreciate it, man. I'm one of the few that's not in the industry. That's exactly right. Yeah.

That's exactly right, dude. So we're going to have fun. Real fun. We're going to have a little bit of fun. Real fun. A little bit of fun. We can't cost you your career, but I don't give a fuck about mine. Nah, it's fine, dude.

Bail on it, baby. We're not having anything to drink today. You don't drink, yeah? I don't drink at all. Never have? I have drank. I've never been drunk. I drank like two or three times in my life never been drunk been buzzed really yeah i grew up around a couple alcoholics but i well there it is yeah i um yeah i just i remember

i had two shots of jack i've been buzzed off like a couple of glasses of wine as a kid like when i was 15 yeah and then when i was in college i had two shots of jack back to back and i got buzzed off of that pretty nice and then that was it yeah and I went a little nuts not like whatever but I was definitely I saw what kind of drunk I would be and it would have been awful so obnoxious well what did you want to talk about the alcoholics around you or no you don't have to

if you don't want to no I have to I just grew up in a like you know I had some family members that were really struggling and it was like well I don't and I know I have a like when I'm fixated on some shit I am fixated on it. When I'm obsessed, I'm obsessed. Right. You'll go for it.

Yeah. So I was like, that's probably in me, that gene. So let's just not. Do you have any other supplemental addictions? Do you addict to other stuff? Food. I love food, bro. You're skinny, bro.

I'm skinny fat. Are you a skinny fat guy? I'm a skinny fat guy. I think you said that in your special, and I didn't understand it, because I was like, you're not... Do you think I look kind of normal size? You look great. But I'm 205 pounds, man.

I don't know what that means. I'm a big boy. Okay. I'm 205 pounds. Oh, you'd go like. You're a Chicago guy, right? Yeah, Chicago. Y'all be eating.

Y'all got the best food. I love your city. That's what happened. I was gone for a month. I spent, my grandma died. I spent some time at home. Then I went to New York and dude, I just, New York too. New York you eat, there's so much bullshit that you can eat that's just so not good for you

it's just too easy you can go get a nice dinner or go get a good meal Chicago you're just it's too cold it's too cold to walk yeah we take the cab

or we get into an Uber now you can't walk in the winter but in the summer real walking I'm there in June I'm so excited what are you playing in June?

Zanies Old Town? or Schaumburg? I think is it downtown? downtown? Or Schomburg? I think Is it Downtown? Downtown I think Because there's two I think I might be doing both

I know I'm doing Downtown Because Old Town The Old Zanies Is on Wells That's in Old Town Yeah Which I As a kid

When I was growing up Was not too far from there Yeah And I never do It's so funny People are like Oh you're a Chicago guy

I didn't grow up in Chicago Playing Doing comedy I started out here I grew up in comedy I started here, oh, you're a Chicago guy. I didn't grow up in Chicago doing comedy. I started out here. I grew up in comedy out here. I started here for like a year and a half. I moved from Dallas to here. Yeah, a year, but that's not enough.

You took off. No, this place sucked. This place sucked. Dude, come on, man. No, they just told me, black veterans in particular would say, you did this backward. You go to New York to get good, in LA to get famous. Yeah. And I was like, dude, I want to be good

before I'm famous, so let's go. For me, it was, I just, you know, I wasn't gonna stay in Chicago, so I needed to go somewhere where I would sink or swim. You know how good of an actor you are? You book roles as a white dude. Look at me. I just told you, I just booked

a new role. You said heterosexual? As far as you know. Stay after hours. Stay after the show booked a new role. You said heterosexual? Yeah. As far as you know. Stay after hours. Stay after the show. See what happens. You play heterosexual? Yeah. You know what's so funny? I played a, this has been circling around the internet now for, they redid the show

How I Met Your Father, and I was in the original remake of that. Right, right, right. And I was a gay dude. Yeah. And it's so funny to think they could never do that. Dude, they would be lit up if they cast me today. Oh, because you're straight. Yeah, are you kidding me?

They would have caught so much shit. My boyfriend on the show is gay. And him and I are really close in real life. Great dude. Phenomenal actor. He's got a show called The Other Two. Have you ever seen that? No.

Oh, bro, it's so good. Buddy, if you're not on a show, I'm not watching it. Really? All right, done. Watch only me. This is us us my wife and i love that you watch that and then you were on it and then i was disguising everything yeah and then dave and i was my wife and i love that show and then you're fucking great on that show thank you man if i'm not on it you're not gonna watch it i'm not watching it i like that it's not a good show but i couldn't get cast as a gay guy today there's no i mean dude they would be which is so hypocritical because they're like you know only gay dudes could play a gay dude but but you they booked me for that because i did a good job in the audition so why couldn't i but couldn't you eric stone street is gay on modern family i don't think

he would get cast today that show got booked 10 years ago yeah I don't think that show, if you made that show today, no way are you putting two, I mean, sorry, one straight guy in it. There's no way. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. You know, I feel a little bit of conservative in you, and I love it. I fucking love it.

I love it, dude. I grew up in Texas, man. This is what I know and I love. Bring out your flag, boy. I fucking love, when you call me boy, I got a little heart. Reminded me of home. I got a little nostalgic. What is it, Dallas, right?

Dallas, yeah. Plano. Well, I grew up in Plano, then I moved to Frisco. How did I know Plano? Why did I know that? Indian? There's only Indians in Plano. Now. Yeah. When I was growing up, there was a few. And then when I moved to Frisco, now even more Indian than Plano. Back then, I was one Indian and one Pakistani.

That was it in the whole school. Did you guys beef? Nah, I was so happy to have someone brown. It was the only dude? I love this fucking kid. No black dudes though, it was just white dudes?

Nah, there was a few black dudes but mainly Mexicans and white dudes and a pocket of black dudes and then just two brown people. Two brown dudes? Yeah.

And was he cool? He was, yeah, super sweet guy. I mean, he's nerdy. now or no? We, I think he came to my show in Dallas when I went. We connect a little bit here and there. And what's he up to? He's a fucking engineer? He was a super sweet guy. I mean, he's nerdy. Is he up with him now or no? I think he came to my show in Dallas when I went.

We connect a little bit here and there. What's he up to? He's a fucking engineer? He's in Pakistani shit. He's an engineer or some dork. Have you ever seen that clip of the little kids talking about what they want to do for the future of Pakistan? Yes. It's the fun, dude.

My wife quotes it all the time. He's a pilot, Greg! He's a pilot! Dude, it makes me laugh. Whenever I see that, whenever I want like a little boost. Yeah. If people at home have never seen this, you have to look this up.

It's basically like, I think it's almost like an elementary school, right? They got to be that young. Yeah. And they're talking about what they're going to do for the future of Pakistan. Like what the youth is going to do, their jobs, their hopes, their dreams.

And the mic is so hot. She's screaming and so are they. So you can barely make it out sometimes, which is why the internet, it caught fire. The internet loves that kind of shit. But sometimes they'll mumble so much they won't say anything, and then she'll go, okay, great!

It won't even matter. She'll fit it into everything. Like if I'm running late, she'll be like, he's running late, great! She does it all the time. She loves it dude. It's so good Pakistan and destroy India. Strong army. Wow. Great. I will open as much educational institution as possible and I'm proud to be

a Pakistani. The next generation of Pakistan is going to make Pakistan literacy 100%. Am I allowed to do an accent? I don't. I know you don't. You know what's weird? Only Indians can offend me only brown people can offend me because i don't i feel like i'm confident in my ethnicity so if you're secure

in that you can't say anything is really gonna bother me well people well here's the thing is like people don't people don't like i grew up uh uh when we moved to the suburbs i grew up next to an indian family yeah obviously i not going to mention their name but people that like I love these people they were so cool and I became good friends with their son and he just saw me in Chicago it was wild to see them and like

you know I would do the accent because I was learning it from listening to him and then as a kid I grew up doing it and people would cause the white dude that does it typical white dudes do like it's so bad

that's my issue it's like really you know it's the thank you come again I'll get a little like I get a little like annoyed if it's bad

but if it's good I love it it's so funny mine is really good sometimes I'm able to jump in and jump out of it that's not bad it's not good

it's alright right, man. It's, that was good. That right, that sentence right there, I caught it. I have to do the head. Yeah.

If I get, if I'm, if I'm around it a little bit more, I'll start to get into it a little bit more with him. Yeah. But it's also like, there's no malice behind it. No.

You know Raj Singh? Do you know Raj? Raj Sharma, I mean, Raj Sharma. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Raj used to make me do it all the time. He's taxi, he's Dallas. He's Dallas. Yeah, I knew him. He used to make me do it all the time he's taxi he's dallas dallas yeah i knew him he used to make me do it all the time and it was so funny because he would never he he loved it and was never offended by it but now if i if i'm do if i do that publicly i get clipped i get clipped if i did it as a bit on a thing you know we got to do we got to make america great again dude i. We gotta make America great again, dude.

You bring your hat? You bring your red hat? I don't have one. Let's buy you a red hat. I feel like you got one somewhere. You know I got two of them, dude. Hey, don't do it sarcastically. Listen, boy.

Put that shit on, bro. Put that shit on. The only conservative part of me is... In Chicago? I'm against, you know... Gay marriage. Gay marriage. No, I think the only conservative part of me would be money.

I'm fiscally conservative as fuck, dude. It's money stuff, yeah. Take everything but my money. Have all the rights. Let me keep my money. Here's the thing. I'm down to give some of my money away to some stuff, for sure. I want to give my money away.

You don't take my money and keep it for your dumb shit. Well, dude, stop living in New York and stop living in California. We're doing it wrong. I try to move shelves to Florida so hard. Let's go. When we went down there, I didn't want to go initially. I saw you guys spend time in Miami, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We went for four months, and I didn't want to go initially. And then when we were down there, I was like, dude, why the fuck are we going back? Live here. You're making real money. Yeah. He's making real money. No state income tax, my friend. Yeah.

But then sales tax and all the other stuff tends to be a little bit higher. Who gives a shit? To supplement for it. That's fair. If I buy something, I pay tax on it. That's how I feel. If I buy, I'd rather do that. I do like giving my money away. I do like to be charitable. That is kind of the liberal part of me. But I don't like it that they decide how much of my money they take.

No. And you have no decision on what to do with it. Disgusting. That, that fucks me up. If I got a big podcast deal, I would try to, I would force him to move to Puerto take. No. And you have no decision on what to do with it. Disgusting. That fucks me up. If I got a big podcast deal, I would try to, I would force Andrew to move to Puerto Rico.

Yeah. Not even Texas, Puerto Rico. Yeah, go to- Monaco, like we're doing something. My ass to Central America. Yes, yes.

Yeah, where I can live. Have you ever been down there, by the way? Never. All the money in the, Costa Rica, all the money you have, you'd be a billionaire down there.

You live like, you live like three kings. It's fucking nuts. Dude, we rented a house on the beach. Yeah. For what it would have cost to rent a house anywhere, in any beach in the United States. Costa Rica's safe, right?

Safe-ish. Safe-ish. It is. You shouldn't be caught in the wrong parts. Yeah. Why would I? I'm not poor. You know why?

Because there's fun in the wrong parts. Oh, okay. You go to the wrong parts, you're looking for some fun. Got you. But it is safe-ish. I mean, I just think, you you know you can kind of tell that parts get a little tough and i think they know that we don't they're like you guys shouldn't yeah yeah yeah we look like marks yeah yeah yeah yeah dude tag them yeah tag them yeah yeah they

know better have you traveled the world by the way i travel a little bit but not do you know where do you know where do you go i? I've been to Europe a decent amount. I haven't done South America, Africa. Obviously, I go to India. I've been four or five times. I'm trying to go again. You got family there? Yeah, I got a good amount of family there.

I think I want to go to India. It's great. I think I want to go. It's rough, but it's great. Yeah, that's what people say. It's not rough like dangerous. It's rough like can't drink the water. You can't eat.

When I go, my wife is good about this. She's like, don't eat raw vegetables. Don't eat anything that could be washed in tap water. Don't eat when i go my wife is good about this she's like don't eat uh raw vegetables don't eat anything that could be washed in tap water don't eat dairy don't eat and then i don't get sick because i listen what do you eat then hot food only gotta be fresh gotta be cooked and then you gotta be you can eat meat but again it's gotta be fresh and hot i'd be uh vegetarian while i was there 100 or vegan or whatever yeah i wouldn't eat meat while I was over there. I wouldn't eat meat anywhere like most places outside of you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah.

White spots. Give me white spots. Actually some of the best meat I ever had was in Central America. I mean they're the best cooks. By far some of the best. Not even close.

But it's also because like seasoning and they'll try different kinds of meat. We're pretty bland with our meat we're pretty regular you know like like i think if you're overseas and you happen to eat a dog okay if it's cooked right you're in are you gonna say anything when you come home i i couldn't i have a dog you have a dog yeah i can't do it yeah but i mean you know it's over there what kind of dog you got big ass dog no no dude you know what's funny we have a little dog we got a little dog that a friend of a friend uh got for us she found she found her with these other puppies at this dude that makes furniture in downtown la and the the mom mama dog

had the puppies and then left which means she's going to die. They say that if the mother gives birth and she disappears, it means that she knows she's going to die, doesn't want to die in front of the puppies. Oh, wow. Because apparently, their survival is higher when she leaves them. Oh, wow. But if she dies near them, they're more prone to death. Wow. Kind of crazy.

Yeah. But so, anyway, we got the run of the litter. But she's tiny. She's like 15, 17 pounds. She's small. Yeah. Little fucking furball. Yeah. What do you got? Small teaspoon. Little six pounds. Oh, my God. That's like, that's way's tiny she's like 15 17 pounds she's small yeah little little fucking furball yeah what do you got maltese little six pounds oh my god that's like that's way tiny here yeah that's real tiny love you do yeah what's it what's the dog's name happy happy yeah my wife got

him really real deep on the name calling huh yeah real real surface well i want to name happy i want a name that was indian and a good dog name. And happy. My wife is Punjabi. That's like a common Punjabi name. So I was like, done. H-A-P-I? H-A-P-P-Y.

I mean, you could do H-A-P-P-I, but we just went happy. That's a common name? It's more like a house name. Like you have like a family name. Yeah. And you'll see or hear that more, but definitely, yeah. Lucky, happy. At least Punjabi names cross over.

Sunny. Sunny, I think I've heard. Yeah. But lucky and happy? I have a lucky uncle from, he's not my actual relative, but one of my family friends, lucky uncle, yeah. Wow, bro.

Yeah. That is, I mean, that's terrible in a weird way. I mean, if your life is shit, you're fucked. Yeah. You're like lucky, huh? Yeah.

That's kind of like, like my father's name was Richard, but Rich. Yeah. Oh, that's tough. Rich is like tough. Dick. Who's Dick? Dick, but Rich is tough because when you're not rich, it's rough.

Oh, right, right, right. You know what I mean? There was nothing rich. Rich in here, maybe. Yeah. But not monetarily at all. I don't want to... Like if I ever have a kid, I don't ever want to give them a name that can be misconstrued

like that into someone using it against you. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to, like, if I ever have a kid, I don't ever want to give them a name that can be misconstrued like that into someone using it against you. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want that. You want kids? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I want kids. You?

Yeah? Yeah. You guys gunning for it? I'm gunning for more than she is, even. She doesn't want them? She wants them, but, like, I've been wanting them. I've, like, wanted kids since I was, like... How old are you now?

I'm 37. Right. It's for you. It's time. And I mean, I've weirdly always been, like, I can't wait to be a father. God, man. You look so much younger than me. It makes me feel sad. How old are you now I'm 37 right it's for you it's time and I mean I've weirdly always been like I can't wait to be a father you look so much younger than me

it makes me feel sad how old are you 38 you look great dude dude you look wet come on I've always looked 40 when I was 10

I looked 40 now I'm about to be 40 and I'm finally gonna maybe look my age nah dude you look great you look so young is your wife younger than you

I just don't have testosterone yeah she's 28. We got to get you some tea. Yeah. You got to steal some from some of those athletes, those college athletes. I was talking to Rogan, dude.

I tried to do steroids. They got seized at the border. For real? You got jacked? Anivar, dude. Got seized at the border. Where were you, in Mexico? No, somebody was shipping them to me,

and they got seized at the border. Damn. Bucked me up, dude. I was ready. I was on it because I was getting married in a few weeks. I was like, wedding diet, let's go. You wanted to just get fucking yoked.

I just wanted to get shredded. And I was supposed to help you get shredded. Right. I was like, no more skinny fat. Now just lean. Legit. But it didn't happen. Were you an athlete when you were a kid?

No, I was always a fat kid. But I looked like I'd be not athletic at all. And you'd be like, oh, this kid actually coordinated. And he's decent. So you were the opposite. It looked bad, but it was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do?

Basketball. Only basketball. I played tennis and I actually played tennis for the team when I was a senior or junior or something like that. Really? Yeah.

You just jumped on? Yeah. Last year of high school, you were like, I'll just jump on. Yeah, I was just trying to get, you know. Was there anybody who was good on the squad? There was a couple good people and they busted my ass,

but I held my own. You did? Yeah. It's so funny because you look like you're you were thin your whole life when you say not at all dude my brother and i mean god bless him he's lost a hundred pounds but he really struggled with weight obviously it was a hundred fat ass he was a fat ass what's his name i don't say it now yeah but i brought him you know who you are fat ass good thing you lost the weight chubby chunky bitch but if you do this it makes them want to keep losing the weight you see put down the candy fatty yeah i mean he's already lost 100 pounds bro 100 pounds more let's go is he tall he's 5 11 if i got his height dude i'd have been fucking thrilled unstoppable how tall are you?

5'7 it's alright how tall is your wife? 5'1 okay yeah we're tiny people you knew heels was

you know you were like I'm fine as long as I can beat her in heels she can have her 5 inch heels and I'm still good I can barely make it

squeak by I thought about this so does she want kids though? what did you say? she legit said to me this weekend I'm really excited about having a son which is weird she never said she wanted a son she was like i want one daughter

and that's it i think if we have one kid she's gonna be like let's have a second i know her i feel like most people that say they want to get one they want another one yeah i feel like i might be cool with one nah dude only children are weird are you an only child well i mean no no but yes but no like i'm the only from my parents yeah and, and then my sister's from my mom my stepdad Yeah, but the gap is huge. It's like eight or nine eight almost nine years I was done with college by the time she got to high school But that almost works better my brother and I were five years and that's weird eight or nine years It's almost like a parent thing. Well, it's too far. Yeah, you either want to be pretty close or really far away

Yeah, it's true. I was done with college and she was just getting into High school and it was just getting into high school and it was like, you know. But then it took us a long time to like create a relationship. You know, like then we became friends as adults. Yeah. Because before that it was too hard.

It was just the gap was ridiculous. Yeah. Once she got out of college and started living her own life, I think it started to kind of like bond us a little bit closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first time she visited me,

we got stoned together out here when she first visited my old apartment in West Hollywood years ago. It was just wild because I like saw her like appear like a buddy. But before that, it was always my – she's still my little sister. Yeah. But before that, it was like, you can't smoke pot in my house. Now she's 30, old bitch. I know, dude.

It's wild. You call my brother a fat ass. Your sister an old bitch? Rather be You call my brother a fat ass. Your sister an old bitch. Rather be an old bitch than a fat ass. Are you guys close? Yeah, we're close. It's like a complicated thing because we love each other a lot, but then we get mad at each other a lot.

He's a brother, so you know what I mean? Where's he at? He's in Dallas still. Yeah. Yeah, he's doing financial planning. Is he your financial planner? No. You don't want to employ your own brother?

He don't believe in the shit I be doing. I'm putting a lot of money into crypto, and he's like, this is crazy. Oh, you're crypto'd out. I'm a crypto cowboy. How much is a lot of money? Be real with me. I mean, multiple six figures. All of it's in crypto?

Not all of it. Holy shit. Got a good amount in there. We're talking like a couple hundred grand. I'm like, I bought a hardware crypto wallet because I was like, I can't have this online. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you up to like $300,000, my god bro what are you doing what am I not doing you know I guess I guess it might be it might be the move it might be the move I just believe in it and I just trust my gut I'd be having these gut instincts and that's the one and I gotta listen to them I didn't listen to it on Facebook I ain't really having money but tesla at like 300 when it crashed after the pandemic i had six thousand dollars and i was like let me put this in tesla and then i kept waiting for the price to go down and down and then it didn't and that six thousand would legit be worth like a hundred thousand dollars no shoulda woulda i know i put a little bit of money in crypto and i got clipped buddy keep it just keep it there.

Don't worry about it. I don't also look at the thing every day. I don't either. You can't. I don't. I looked at it one time six months later and I was like, holy fucking shit. I don't really care. I'm not going to, I will say, I'm not going to start buying NFTs.

No thanks. You do that. I will. I haven't figured that out at all. I want to sell NFTs, dog. I just, I think real art. You don't think this would be an NFT? Yeah, but this is real. We talk, I that out at all. The ape. I want to sell NFTs, dog. I just, I think real art. You don't think this would be an NFT?

Yeah, but this is real. We talk, I've talked about this. Literally, someone said the same conversation about this is real tangible art. That's why. This to me has value because I know I can, someone can put it up in their home. Yeah. No, but an NFT, somebody's going to put in their metaverse home. Fuck that, dude.

Get over here. No. No. That shit is gay to you, huh? It's ridiculous. Like what? What do you mean? You didn't buy a house online.

You didn't. You SimCity'd. You didn't buy a house online. You didn't. You SimCity'd. You didn't buy a house online. I don't understand why people are paying for these things. Like, shouldn't the metaverse just be some shit that you get for free? You get all of it for free? Like, I don't have to pay to live next to Snoop. I should just be next to Snoop. Yeah, but Snoop wants that money.

Snoop doesn't want you living next to him real life or digital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, get the fuck out of here, dude. He doesn't want either of that shit. Now, I understand the world and why it matters. Yeah. yeah yeah he's like get the fuck out of here dude he doesn't want either of that shit now i just think i i understand the world and and why it matters yeah uh because it's new it's it's the new frontier of the internet is never going to stop trying shit but i just have a huge fear of the government getting there i mean if you can't pay taxes with it they're going to clip you

they're never going to let it grow and become real until they can profit from it. They're going to profit from it. Yeah, but then what does that mean for you and all your investments? And what do they... I could tax out my ass, but I'm going to make money. We'll see. I hope so.

You let me on your boat when it all works out. If it all works out, I'm going to get you a boat. Our generation will be dead before it all works out. I'm going to get you a boat in the metaverse. You and I are going to be putting on goggles, fucking sailing the fake Mediterranean. Akash got me a meta yacht. We're not playing anymore, dude.

78 footer, bro. Sailing the metabaltic sea. Just me as one of the, but the graphics are still real bad. You know, they're like 16 bit and shit. Let me talk, let me say this before I forget to talk about it.

You are, look, you're in town doing shows. You're also promoting this special that's out right now, which is, I'm so stoked to help someone that's doing it the new school way, which is just on your own. You just put it out on YouTube and you got one,

I don't know. It's like a million and a half or something like that. I don't even know. Three, 1.4. Now I think that's wild. We got a million in a week, which is crazy,

dude. Good for you, dude. And good for you for going solo thank you man yeah I just I mean I basically just followed Andrew

to be honest Schultz he's not the first one to do that you know what I mean like people have been throwing stuff out there I can't give Andrew any credit we're not gonna do it

on this show at all I have to fuck him fuck Andrew Schultz no it was a good no his the model was incredible and I'm glad that people

are following it and a lot that people are following it. And a lot of people are doing it now. When is yours coming out? I don't know. You know, someone just asked me about it. I don't know. I kind of, this hour that I've been doing, I'm so, I'd like, it was a little bit from before the pandemic,

a little bit after, you know what I mean? It was like, so I don't know what to do with it. I might just throw it out there. I mean, Tim Dillon, DeStefano, a bunch of those guys, I think are going to independently release. I don't know how it's going to be out there, but they, Tim Dillon, DeStefano, a bunch of those guys I think are going to independently release, I don't know how it's going to be out there, but they're going to

independently release it. And I think that's the move. You know, I wish I had the fan base that Louis did and I could put it on a website and make people pay for it. Yeah.

But I can't. That's so hard to do. Yeah, but also, you're just, we're trying to like, if you're selling theaters out because of a special,

you made the money that you would have made from Netflix or whatever. Sure. Yeah. No. That's, I just,

there is the piece of me that wants to like, I don't know, make, if I'm going to do another one, I want to make it. I don't know. I really don't. I can't put my finger on it.

I would love to put one on. Like, I'm not, I'll never do Netflix, but I was like, I know Netflix is not talking to me right now, so let me just get my shit to the people the way I want to do it. Yeah.

Give it to them. And then, yeah, I know my, the stuff I'm saying is not talking to me right now, so let me just get my shit to the people the way I want to do it. Yeah, give it to them. And then, yeah, I know the stuff I'm saying is not something the industry thinks will sell, so I'll just put it out myself, and I'll sell it, and then let's go. You did two, it was two different spots, right? I did three different cities. Oh, three spots. All cities where I've lived was the idea, but it was like, it wasn't worth explaining in the special.

So it was New York, New York Comedy Club, Stress Factory in New Jersey, and then Houston, where my parents currently live. Oh, that's great. So yeah, so I go visit them. What was it in Houston at the? The Secret Group. What is that? I don't know what that is.

It's like a comedy club run by comics. So they gave me a night, and they said, we'll put together two shows. You sell whatever you can sell. We sold them out. It was great. And then my guy Kevin, this big white motherfucker, Kevin Marcus Jr., he shoots all my stuff. He brought lights in a fog machine. It looks so sexy. That's great. It looks better than both the clubs before it. It was just great. big white motherfucker, Kevin Marcus Jr. He shoots all my stuff. He like brought lights in a fog machine and like he,

it looks so sexy. That's great. It looks better than both the clubs before it. It was just great. Yeah, go watch online. 28 minutes, 29 minutes?

20, 20 minutes. Okay. We had it to 25 and then Schultz, the day before I was going to bring it out, he was like,

yo, I'm free from 12 p.m. to 4 p.m. Come, I'll try to help you figure out like how to cut fat stuff and then he cut so much shit out of it for one bit.

And then we started watching it. And he stayed from 12 p.m. to 4 a.m. The guy stayed with us for 16 hours. It was very intensely, like, cut there, cut there, cut there. And then when we saw how that bit moved, how it was so much faster, we were like, yo, we got to do this for the whole thing. So then we spent the next three nights nonstop just cutting every second of fat we could cut off. And then it came out two days later than it was supposed to, but we got it 20 minutes tight.

Wow. Fuck Andrew Schultz, man. I'll say it again. Piece of shit. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, it's hard to imagine, but spring has almost sprung upon your booty. And your lawn is probably looking whack from the winter. And I got to tell you, as someone who's out there taking care of his own lawn, all right, I'm not Richie Rich.

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Ginger. I like gingers. I love him, man. You know what? He's got a good brain. And what he did was right online. And I'm glad that it worked. But I kind of knew it was going to work.

It was strange. I mean, he told me that you were going to do that. Yeah. And I was like, oh, it's so funny that that's kind of, it is the new norm right now of how to just get that shit out there because people want it. So just give it to them. And then you're going to, in any fashion, you're going to garner a new audience of people that have never heard of you. They got, it got shared online and you hope that they come around and buy tickets. The real thing that I think fans know or need to know is that we just want you to come see us live like all this is kind of a culmination of like

please see me live yeah you know like i've quoted this before but like leno had an interview in a magazine and they were like why don't you put out a special like all your friends of your generation he's like i just love live come see me live yeah he's like i don't want to cement anything right now and i loved that about him because it was like, yeah, go see him. Go fucking buy a ticket. I get that people love specials. They want to watch them at home. But like, come see me, man.

Fucking this is the thing we really want is for you to come see me do the thing. Every comic. We're all selfish assholes. Watch me do the dance. This is where I'm a selfish asshole. I love the idea of a special because it lives forever. Yeah. And I can walk away being like, I did that.

You guys have that. That's great. I mean, that is wonderful. But you want them to see you do it. But at the end of the day, I special because it lives forever. Yeah. And I can walk away being like, I did that. You guys have that. That's, I mean, that is wonderful. I'm proud of that. But you need, you want them to see you do it. By the end of the day, I need to see you live. Because nobody, no one is as good on a special as they are live. No. No one.

I don't care who it is. Louie, you know, Burr. The best of the best, still better live. Yeah. By far. Chappelle is, I mean, I love Dave, but I think him live is something a special could never capture but the special captured was

how his brain worked yeah but watching him live was just I don't know it's something about that and I wish that can be conveyed but that's why I say you like what they do

if you like his special go buy a fucking ticket and watch him that's how I feel about it yeah no absolutely but it is good man and it's very racist you sing that KKK song

to begin the special I love that Whistling Dixie opening that's your song that's my thing that's my thing that's who I am at the end of the day

you came in on the General Lee car ba na na na na na na fucking crashed into the stage what's up brownies pew pew pew pew it is so funny I've said this before

but we always do that that the southern accents always like the the racist like oh yeah dude you know I fuck my sister

or whatever yeah but like there's way more dumb sounding accents in the United States Jersey Jersey sound like retarded people

fucking dude I love Boston all of it I love Boston yeah but Boston people sound- Fucking. So dumb.

Fucking retarded. Yeah, dude, I fuck my fucking sister, dude. Yeah, like that's more I fuck my sister than- That's a great bit, dude. That's a great bit. It's true, though. It's more- I fuck my fucking sister.

That's right. My fucking sister. It just sounds more than when we always go to like, because my dad is from the South. My stepdad's from the South. So like- What part? I would go to North Carolina. Oh, yeah. That's fine. I'd go down there and I was like

this is the sweetest nicest fucking I mean of course not everyone everywhere is good but I was always like why do these people get ragged like they're the dumb

cousin fucker that bothered me who's the dumb cousin fuckers of India by the way who gets ragged the hardest where I'm from

really? Bihar and UP are the two states that probably, like... You guys get shit on the most. I think so. I think so. What's brown trash to white trash? What do they call it?

What would they call... They don't see it that way. Like, my family's from, like, a high caste. Even though the caste system's abolished, it, like, still exists mentally. It's around. So, they're like,

nah, we're the best. And I'm like, we're really not, though. Like, we're really not. Who's the top dog? So the South Indians, the Christians in Kerala, I mean, they're obviously dumb because they converted, but they look at themselves, they have 100% literacy rate

in one state called Kerala. And so they're probably, my uncle told me one time, he said, if you go to South India, it's like the northern part of America. It's like a lot more evolved, a lot more progressive. And then if you go to south india it's like the northern part of america it's like you know a lot more involved a lot more progressive and then if you go to north india where we're from it's like darfur and i thought that was a very funny turn that is good yeah i didn't see it he's dude he's so funny he's the reason i'm a comic he was a doctor so i tried to be a doctor because of him because he's like my my second father uh but then he was such a contrarian

and he was so funny when i finally realized what he was such a contrarian and he was so funny. When I finally realized what he was doing, which is disagreeing with you and then finding out a way to justify it all the time, I was like, yo, this is the funniest guy

I've ever met. And I legitimately was, that's part of like my, that informed my humor so much. That's where your style or sense of humor comes from, you think? Yeah, and I've always been annoyed

by the loudest voice around me. So now that it's all like white male privilege I'm like what are you fucking talking about? White women are awful. They're there to hate and we're just acting

like they're with us? No they're not. White men are the best dude. Yes we are! But that's why in my special I open with I don't believe

in white male privilege like that's like we're going we're not doing this fucking and somebody snapped on the bit. I can't really hear

what the guy says. Oh, he said. But you clacked back at him really fast. He says I'm waiting for the punchline. And we're having a fun back and forth.

I'm like, shut up. Just let me do this. Like, you don't need to fucking chime in. I don't want to hear it. Let me just fucking talk to you. But it's also a thin line you got to walk

as a minority where it's like, look, I'm not going to be Candace Owens. I'm not going to be like, like they asked me to go on Glenn Beck and I was like, no. I'm not going to be your fucking puppet. Ted Cruz tried on Glenn Beck, and I was like, no. I'm not going to be your fucking puppet.

Ted Cruz tried to retweet it, and I was like, if you guys think I'm going to be that guy, no. I'm just going to be a reasonable person who's like, yo, this whole thing, here's what bothers me about the industry. Our whole lives as minorities, we were saying, just make it fair.

Don't give everything to white dudes. And now that nothing is going to white dudes and everything is going to us, we're not saying, hey, this isn't what we wanted. Just make it fair. We're saying, oh, I'm sorry, white dudes. And now that nothing is going to white dudes and everything is going to us, we're not saying, hey, this isn't what we wanted. Just make it fair. We're saying, oh, I'm sorry, white dudes. Are you not getting everything?

Did you hurt your feelings? And it's like, oh, you just became a white dude. Like, you became everything that you said you were going to be different than. Right. It's the fucking animal farm.

Right. So, to me, just no. Make it fair. That's what I want. If you have a role, let us tell our stories i also don't like that every indian audition i ever got i was either like gay or agoraphobic or like obsessed with white women and hated indian girl i was like tell let us tell our

stories don't just put me in a fucking role to fill a quota right let us tell our stories at the same time don't lock anybody of any race out of the role. Sure. Like, if you got to, I'm amazed you get to play straight white dudes. Man, that shit blows my mind. You must be so fucking talented that they don't make you gay on every role you do. They can't. I'm telling you, they can't. You won't let it happen, dude. I won't let it happen, dude.

Tie my tie tight. No, I think it's, for me, the business is like, I think the best should win. Yes. I just don't, I think the best should win. Yes. I think the best should win. But I do think the way you get there is that, like you keep saying, let us tell our stories. I think the way to get there is to have more opportunities for those stories to have a shot. That's my biggest beef with the business. The business will be like, we want more people of color or we want more women or we want more gay or

trans people on television. It's like fine, but then let's hear them make the story and see if it's good enough to get on television. I agree that everyone should have a shot to make their story, but give those opportunities then for the writers to be gay or trans or black or whatever, and then tell the stories.

And through that, then we'll, you know what I mean? Because the problem sometimes with the business is they're like, we want all these things, but they want their version of it. Yes, dude, that's a thing. There was a thing with brown people where it's like you could, I knew there was a way to get ahead in the business

by doing a woe is me thing. And it's like, yeah, I got made fun of after 9-11, but I'm not oppressed, dude. My feelings got hurt. That's not oppression. And there's like, yeah, I got made fun of after 9-11, but I'm not oppressed, dude. I get, my feelings got hurt. That's not oppression. And there's multiple brown people who have made entire pieces of content. And I don't hate on them. They played the game.

But it was, oh, white girls wouldn't date me or whatever the fucking sob story is. It's like, yo, that kind of sucks. But like, who cares? You're not oppressed. Right. You know what I mean? Was your special, the reason you did the Apu stuff,

was that an answer to? Yeah, a little bit. Well, I also thought, I want to talk to my people. And I know there's, I know my people. And as much as the industry wants us to, like, all love that,

and that whole idea of, like, we're victims and oppression, and all that, I know most Indians that I know don't give a fuck about that stuff. We just want funny stuff. And I didn't know an Indian who was really bothered by a poo my entire life. They might have thought the jokes were hacky and some of them were hacky. Sure.

And you could evolve with the character, but none of us had a big problem with it that I knew. So, and again, I grew up in Texas after 9-11. Like I'm not some fucking sheltered suburban kid. Right, right. So I wanted to talk to us with like, let's cut all the fucking bullshit out and let's just do the jokes and have fun and be funny. Right.

And I think most of us feel that way. Yeah, I mean, and here's the thing is, the other side of it needs to, I don't remember the dude's name now, it's striking me, that did the thing about Apu. Cancel Apu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I can't remember his name,

but I think that needs to exist as much as yours needs to exist. I think the beauty is I like that he does his thing, but then I'm even more proud that there's another side of it where you're like, great, this is the beauty of comedy. In the sense that Chappelle,

the trans community got mad at his last special. They have every right to get mad Chappelle has every right to like try to make these jokes I think both of these things can coexist you're allowed to be like I don't like that

and then move on get mad but don't silence well yeah but you're allowed to be like I don't like it it's like that's fine people are allowed to hate

a bunch of shit I don't like Asics shoes but I'm not about to go fucking lose my shit over there I just think yeah but you're not telling Asics to stop making the shoes no I don not about to go fucking lose my shit over there I just think yeah but you're not telling ASICS

to stop making the shoes no I don't give a fuck about the shoes you don't like you offended me you made ASICS shoes yeah yeah I mean if something

is vitriol and filled with hate and targeted it's pretty obvious in my opinion it seems like you can see it yes

it's usually not nuanced where you're like I think there's hate buried in those messages it's like they seem to be pretty direct. Hatred is usually dumb so they don't have the space

for nuance in their stupidity. Right. It's pretty right on the nose. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's, we kind of all collectively go, this is rough.

This is rough. Yeah, this is rough. You can tell. But that's why I think it's good to have all these different sides. Your, but also your special

has so much other shit involved in it. That's not what it's about. No, it's not about Apu. I try to use Apu as kind of a through line for this idea of, again, white male privilege to me is like, I understand, and this is something I had to find nuance in. Like, okay, I see this. Black people have been systematically oppressed in America. That's fucked up.

A lot of us are trying to make that struggle our struggle, and it's not. If you're an Indian American, you're so fucking lucky to be here. First of all, you're probably from a high caste family in India that probably does some oppressing. But now you come here, and you still got family that's fucking dirt poor back home.

And you're going to go to them and be like, that's the shit I got to go through in America. They're going to be like, fuck you, dude. You're in a two-story home with just you and two other people. Like, what are you fucking talking about? So the majority of Indians in America, you think, had to come from a family that had cheddar. I hear that a lot, and I believe that. I know my mom's family didn't have a lot of money.

My grandfather came here, worked his ass off, whatever. But for the most part, yeah, you are either that or you're really fucking brilliant and you went to like IIT, which is even better engineering-wise than MIT here. And people back in the day in the 70s were legit. Companies would go to kids in IIT

and be like, look, we'll pay for you to come to America. We'll finish out your education here. We'll give you a job after. Like, we'll pay for everything. Wow. Because you're that smart. So that's privilege in and of itself.

You're the fucking LeBron James of brains. You know what I mean? Like, you're not some fucking r that's privilege in and of itself. You're the fucking LeBron James of brains. Right. You know what I mean? Like, you're not some fucking rags-to-riches story, and you went through all this oppression in India. You probably didn't. Right. You probably had a lot of resources there to come here.

Did you have any smart people in your family like that? Nah, my uncle worked his ass off to be a doctor, but he wasn't born smart. And my grandfather, who brought us all here, worked his ass off. My dad is smart, but didn't do much with it. And I was not that smart, but I worked hard. Where'd you go to school?

Austin College. It's like an hour north of Dallas. It's not even in Austin. I was just going to say, is it in Austin? It's 1,200 kids. And you went there if you were going to be a doctor, basically. And then I was supposed to be a doctor, and I wasn't. Like it's a pre-med school. It is in a pre-med school, but it is like half the freshman class enters

pre-med and then like 20 make it out out of the 175 if you're gonna be a doctor what would you what kind what were you some easy shit family practice you know what i mean yeah some bullshit yeah like i wasn't smart enough to be a radiologist i don't want to be a radiologist i want to interact with people so i'd have been something like that but other doctors have been like this dumb motherfucker family practice get out of here. Yeah, what's that, well,

pediatricians gotta be the one, that's like the one that seems like the easiest. Oh, I would've done that. Yeah. No, I love kids, I would've done that.

Little kids, yeah, they're like, what's wrong? You're like, nothing, he's a kid. he's fine.

Get him the fuck out of here, he's fine. I mean, the amount of bullshit that we went through as kids, like, every generation, it's like,

I can't believe we're still alive, but truly, when I look back, some of the bullshit that we got into was crazy. I mean, like crazy shit. No supervision. Ever.

Yeah, it's nuts. It's nuts. I used to, and I joked to my mom. She didn't like it, but I lived far away from the school when we were in the city. It was too close to take a bus. Yeah. But too far, she didn't want me to walk all the way through the neighborhoods to get to the school. take a bus. Yeah. But too far she didn't want me to walk all the way through the neighborhoods to get to the school.

So there was like a family friend had a had this older couple that had a station wagon and they picked us up and drove us. I used to get picked up by a bitch I didn't know in a minivan. It was the creepiest shit dude. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it dude. Van was dirty fucking cheez-its everywhere. It stunk dude it stunk. Smelled I couldn't explain to my dad that this bitch is trash, dude. And he's like, don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. Just take the fucking ride. He legit, $3 a day.

That's what he paid. Yeah. You know how poor this bitch was? That she's dropping me off out of the way for $3 a day? That was pre-Uber. We were getting in strangers' cars. Yeah, dog. It was kid Uber.

And you know what the funny thing, people would sit in the back. If the row seat, which didn't have any seat belts. Yeah. If the row seat was filled with kids, people would have to get into the station wagon back. If there was, if the, if the row seat, which didn't have any seatbelts. Yeah. If the row seat was filled with kids, people would have to get into the, into the station wagon back. And it was crazy unsafe. Everybody wanted to be back there

because it was fun. Fun. But you hit a speed bump, your head would hit the ceiling. Yeah. Compress your neck. I got CTE from getting home from elementary school

when I was a kid. But it was, but all that shit, all that trouble we got into, I look back and think, I can't, I can't believe my mom let us get into these situations where we should have been dead or something nasty. We were taking the train, me and Chris O'Connor,

who comes to me. Do you know Chris O'Connor, New York guy? We're taking the train from Portland to Seattle this past week. And these little kids, it was like a little girl, seven, eight, and her little brother. And she kept running through the trains

and talking to people and yelling out and being like, where's the bathroom? Yeah. Just asking people. I love that. And I turned to him and I was like, this little brave bitch.

This little brave bitch is on a train. Her parents are like, our parents used to be where it's like, go find out. Good. But nowadays it's scary because I was like she's talking to all these strangers

on this fucking train she'll be fine because she'll probably learn how to fight yeah dude learn how to fight she's gonna learn or she'll get abducted

and learn her fucking lesson that's for sure you get abducted once you learn yeah that's all it takes you learn fast how to smoke them

yeah you know just get out of it she was you could tell though she was a street kid yeah her attitude was I'm gonna to tell you fast how to smoke them. Yeah. You know, just get out of it. She was, you could tell though, she was a street kid. Yeah. Her attitude was, I'm going to figure it out.

But I feel like today you don't really see that. Kids that are run arounds because parents are fucking, rightfully so, afraid. I can't, I get an Amber Alert every 15 seconds on my phone. They're like, kids stolen again. It's a couple of people fucking kids. You know what I mean? You're so arrogant to think your kid is fuckable? Yeah, mine would be.

Mine would be. Really? Yeah, my old lady's a babe, and I'm not bad. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, we've all got fitness goals. Right now, like I said, old fatty patty red bones in here is not doing too good. I'm about 10 pounds overweight. And those COVID cows got me. Okay. I was dunking donuts in all over the country while I was touring and I got to put away some of the sauce because you know, the old glug glug, uh, gives you liquor

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She's gorgeous. Yeah. But I'm not that good looking. No, no, you're fine. You're fine. You're fine. I would have a fuckable kid. All the good things and none of the bad things.

I would have a fuckable kid. You'd have a very fuckable kid. I hope so. Yeah, you would. I hope so. I hope everybody's trying to fuck my child dude like what's going on it's a high compliment yeah i pray well that's the business he or she will make it in the business without a doubt that's literally what the business is it's like adults who want to adults who want to sexualize kids and they do it's so funny and we don't want to talk about it but like, look at what they did to that, like,

the 11 girl from Stranger Things. She was like 13 and they sexualized the fuck out of her. They did all that shit. Drake was trying to fuck her, I think.

Dude, that was weird. Nobody talks about it. Me and DeStefano talked about it a little bit. He has a song where he says, like,

April 14th, that's the day of the glow up or whatever the date is. It was her birthday. Wow. You can listen to it. I was like whatever the date is. It was her birthday. Wow. You can listen to it. I was like, this is weird.

He was hanging out with her. She was 14, 13 or 14 or whatever, but they sexualized her. I've talked about this before. They sexualized Britney Spears when we were kids, even though we were kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a kid. She was 15. Yeah, dude, that was fucking awful. Oops, I did it again. She was a 16 year old girl. Yeah.

And your uncles were like, yeah. It was nasty, dude. But this business does that all the time. Yeah. Where they wag fingers at how nasty it is, but then you're like, why did you put that girl in a short dress? She's 12.

Hermione in Harry Potter? I didn't even think about this. She's kind of annoying now. Yeah. And then Miles on our podcast was like, yeah, but you got to think about guys were sexualizing the fuck out of her. So her experience on that movie was very different than the two guys who were just out there fucking whatever age girls they wanted and living the best life.

She's getting treated like she's 12 years old and people are talking about how cute she is or how hot she's going to be or whatever. Yeah, that's nasty. That's a kid, dude. It's nasty, dude. I don't get it. That's what I'm saying. Your good looking kids are going to be in the business, no doubt. Okay, that's good. Throw them in the business, dude. Throw them in's nasty, dude. I don't get it. That's what I'm saying. Your good-looking kids are going to be in the business, no doubt.

Okay, that's good. They're home in the business, dude. They're home in the business, dude. Hey, I got no problem sexualizing my child. Your wife, on the other hand, is like, we are not doing that. Maybe that's why she don't want to have kids. Right. It's starting to add up.

She knows because you're in it. You're deep now, man. Hey, man, let's get this kid some parts. You know what I mean? Let's get this kid some parts. Come on, I mean? Let's get this kid some parts. Come on, babe. Let's get him some roles. If your kid ever wanted to be in comedy or entertainment,

would you let your kids be in this? No, at a certain age. Not as a kid, though. Same. That's exactly right. Go through high school and maybe college. Maybe. And then from there.

Yeah, because I feel like there's a lot of friends of mine that are actors that did start as kids. And some of their lives are, the stories are amazing. And they're dope. And they built themselves well. And they were raised right. And they were around good people. But then there's a lot of them where you see so much tragedy when you make it as a kid.

Like, just heartbreak. And you're like, oh, man, I wish you were a normal kid at one point when you were young. Because then you would have some sort of leveling. It's already going to be hard for your kids to be normal. Why? Because you're on TV all the time. Yeah, but I won't be on TV by the time I have a kid. This is it for me, dude. I got one more year of TV. After this

podcast, it's over, dude. You're what? No, I'm the one that's getting my kid fucked, not you. You're on the right side of everything. No, you know what? You bitch. I think, I think, I think the one that's getting my kid fucked. Not you. No, I'm playing. You're on the right side of everything. No, you know what? You bitch. I think that my kid, by the time I do have kids, and hopefully that we do, if we don't, fine. If we do, I don't think I'll be living in Los Angeles anymore. Fuck this place.

Yeah, well, we're trying to leave. I loved it. It serviced me a lot. I do love a lot of things about it. Oh, you're trying to leave. Yeah, we're trying to leave, yeah. So you really are trying to get out the business kind of no i mean i just want to leave la where you want to go a lot of places i love colorado i love texas texas great not austin i would i don't fuck austin fucking sucks yeah i don't go to austin keep it fucking

keep it weird get the fuck out of here. Austin, you suck. You're a piece of shit city. You're not Texan. Nothing is redeeming about you. I don't know why people like you so much. The only good thing you got is some fucking wheel scooters. That's it. And that's just so I can get away from your fucking ugly asses quicker.

I hate that place. Yeah, I don't really play with Austin. I think it's fine. Over the years, I've been going there for 15 years, or 12 years now from either South By or Moon Tower. Austin has always been a place for comics to go, and we've been doing this for so long, and now I've seen it change, and what it used to be,

I actually kind of loved, and then now it's kind of like a shitty LA. It's like a shitty LA. You know what it is? It's San Fran. It's a city that started off as kind of like this jewel of the state, and it's like a shitty la san fran it's a city that started off as kind of like this jewel of the state and it was like liberal and cool and then a bunch of money moved in there and they try to pretend they're still that thing and it's like no you're not you're

you're tech now that's so much money yeah you're too much money you're way too much money yeah when you live when and also you can't that's the funny thing about san francisco and i love san francisco i really do like i love going up there i don't but it's the funny thing about San Francisco, and I love San Francisco. I really do. Like, I love going up there. I don't. But it's funny to see it and go, this dude has an $85 million house, and at the bottom of it is poop. Human poop is on his driveway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, could you imagine in any other part of the state that's affluent, or in the country, I mean, that has money in these affluent neighborhoods, they would never let someone poop down below them. No, no's weird kill them on site they think they care about the homeless people but and their whole solution is like just let them be as homeless as they want to be it's never like hey try to put them somewhere where they can't be homeless donate real money to them instead of paying such a ridiculous amount for rent yeah but they're just like no we don't call them bums well yeah we're not gonna we're not gonna degrade them that we're gonna call them street people yeah that nomad or whatever the fuck you call them just took a dump

on the street so what you want to do that's what portland was like we were just in portland and dystopian that i mean it really was sad it made me feel bad i mean i had a fun time doing shows and then when we were out i was like man it's a trip to see how much shit is fucked up like they fucked up that city and they left it like that. Yeah. Half of the spots were broken windows, boarded up and then closed down. And then also we would speak to the locals and they were like,

yeah, stuff closes at like 1030 now because of all the bullshit. I was like, that is so depressing to me. Yeah. What are they doing? What do they think they're doing? I don't know,

man. They do. That's why I said, I called that, that tour refund the police. All the ticket sales are going to... All the ticket sales

are giving money back to the blue, baby. That's good. No, you know what? They obviously laughed, but a piece of me was like, yeah, you say that, but we got into a car accident

on the way to the venue. We got hit. Our Uber got hit. You ever been in an Uber accident? No. It's my second one. Thank God, no. Dude, I got...

Well, we weren't going fast, but we got smoked. Yeah. And this dude had a... We were in a Nissan Armada. You know what? It's like a fucking tank. It's a tank, yeah. It's an SUV. Dude, I got, well, we weren't going fast. Yeah. But we got smoked. Yeah. And this dude had a, we were in a Nissan Armada. You know what? It's like a fucking tank. It's a tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's an SUV. Dude, we got out. This woman's truck was impaled. Really? Our shit, scratch. Yeah. Just like a little, like a little, a little, a little tiny scratch from her paint, trade and paint.

Yeah. But I felt bad for the dude. And he was like, he's like, y'all go get another Uber. You're good. You're good. I was like, I'm sorry, man. We get, we're literally, our show starts now. Yeah. And he was like he's like y'all go get another Uber you're good you're good I was like I'm sorry man we get we're literally

our show starts now yeah and he was like it's good man just let me get your phone numbers and all that stuff we trade numbers and we do all that

and then he's like the woman is acting up and she's like she's like I'll call the cops like it was his it was like so then my Chris

who was Chris goes alright like you're it was your fault. Like, you know this, right? You hit us. Yeah.

And she's like, yeah, we'll let the police figure it out. White lady, right? Yeah. White lady, right? Yeah, I'm telling you. We'll let the police figure it out. They're the problem, dude. They let you guys take the rap.

And this is another issue I have with them is they let you men take the rap. Well, I walked away. I was like, goodbye. They have framed you for society's problems as white men. Put the jail, me with the bars. You're the modern day black men. Andre Santino. Andre 3000 Santino.

We got smoked on the way and the guy was like, we want to, you know, the cops, they kept talking about calling the cops for the accident report. Yeah. And the first thing I kept thinking was, there's no cops out here. There's no, they kept talking about calling the cops for the accident report. Yeah. And the first thing I kept thinking was, there's no cops out here? There's no cops in Portland? There's no cops

that are going to come see this? Dog, you left a late show and they were still waiting, I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were still sitting there. You want to ride home, dude? Yeah, man, we'd love to snag one. But Portland and Seattle were great.

It was just, it was weird to see post-pandemic what all that shit looks like. I haven't been to either of those places in five, six years. So it's just wild to go back around the country

and to go back to what we were talking about. The more I go back to places, even at post-pandemic, like Colorado, we love Colorado. There's a bunch of different parts of Texas that I like. I wish I could move back to Chicago, but I can't because it's Crook County, man. Crook County. It's called Cook County, but it's Crook County, man.

They rip you off. It's fucked up down there. The taxes are as bad as what I pay out here, my parents. What my parents pay to live at their house is what I pay. Really? Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy expensive. And on top of that, Crook County is, they're robbing you blind, man.

It's a bummer. And the crime rate down there has gotten out of control. It's really sad. Yeah. Dude, my childhood best friend's wife on the way to the Chicago theater, no lie, got pushed to the ground by a fucking homeless dude. Wow. Yeah, dude.

I was like, of course, my old man's like, I hate going down to the city anymore. It's crazy. I'm like, Chicago theater's in a nice neighborhood. Nothing's going to happen. It's Magma, right? Sure enough. Wow. Boom. She got smoked, pushed Theater's in a nice neighborhood. Nothing's going to happen. It's Magma, right? Sure enough. Wow. Boom.

She got smoked. Pushed to the ground. She was fine, but I think he was trying to grab her purse or some shit, but he just checked her and threw her onto the ground.

So anyway, I'm sorry. I felt bad. He was like, my wife got pushed to the ground. I was like, my God, we have to start the show.

I was like, I'm sorry. I was really sad that she's running late. I was like, yeah, and she's not going to be able to get those will calls. We're going to release those tickets. I was like I'm sorry I was like yeah she's not gonna be able to get those will calls

we're gonna release those tickets yo shouts for doing Chicago Theater that's great first time man it was wild it was the biggest thing

I've ever done on my own 3400 seats or whatever that's crazy it was nuts man and I texted I texted Rogan

right before I went on and I said I'm gonna close the show with the n-word for you no I texted him and I said you know last time I was here I played this with you and I wanted to send him some love

he's the best and just say I just wanted to say actually I wanted to say I just wanted to be like hey man you know it won't mean anything to him but I was like

this was huge when I played this with you a few one of the stagehands was like you'll anything to him, but I was like, this was huge. When I played this with you, one of the stagehands was like, you'll be here someday. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, man, we'll see.

You know, like that kind of like, okay, bro. Like, you want to be like, you don't know what you're talking about. I know my career. I'm figuring it out. Right.

But it was wild and I just wanted to thank Joe a little bit for the experience and to bring me into there and it boosted me to another level to help me get to there. So, I was appreciative of it. Did respond no he left me on red no no he did he responded but it was i just wanted to show some love because it meant a lot when i

was there with him it was wild it felt it was crazy to to to like be in there do that like you know i mean you're you're you're you got to be growing now your venues are getting bigger and bigger well we're trying so again this is my first LA run. I know Irvine Improv is almost sold out. I think Ontario is doing well. LA is sold out. So that's cool. But I want to do the fucking, we're adding nights.

We're adding shows to the weekend. That's where my next goal is. And then I want to do so much of that that I have to do theaters. I don't want to do theaters until I have to. Sure. Because the deals are never that great from what I understand. Right. But I want to want to do theaters until I have to. Sure. Because the deals are never that great from what I understand. Right.

But I want to get to that point within the next year, hopefully. Do you have a place like, Chicago Theater was a big deal for me. That's why I got emotional about it when I did it because I was like, this was the thing when I was a kid.

Kind of the majestic because actually the week, like the week after Chappelle's show aired, I was a big Chappelle fan. Killing Them Softly came out when I was in high school. Yeah.

And I was like, yo, this fucking, this is the greatest thing ever. I had it on a CD in my car when I was in big Chappelle fan. Killing Them Softly came out when I was in high school. Yeah. And I was like, yo, this fucking, this is the greatest thing ever. I had it on a CD in my car when I was in high school. Oh, yeah. And I knew like every word. It was crazy. So then I went to see him at the Majestic right when the show came out. And I didn't know how much the show was going to blow up.

It was so cool. But that would be something cool. The Majestic Theater in Dallas. Because I saw Chappelle there before I even dreamed of being a stand-up. Or actually like right when I started dreaming of being in a stand up how many seats is that do you know

I don't even know it's big right it's real big I don't even know but I just want to do it cause that but I don't think

I would get emotional over any of the venues Chicago theater would be cool because I just you know whenever I go to Chicago we walk the mag mile

and you just see it I didn't even I don't even think I realized you could perform there as a comic and the idea of staying at the fucking hotel right there

and then cross the street is the theater I'm performing at in chicago an iconic city in america that'd be cool as fuck it's it felt wild i mean it's home for me so it was different it was you know like i know for new york guys like when they play you know radio city or whatever when they get to that level that i know that's a that's got to feel like what this felt like for us even though you know i don't think a lot i mean that's a tough thing to sell i think uh who would i just see uh hasan hasan is just did a whole run yeah of radio city right like six or seven i mean god no probably sell 30 of them yeah yeah yeah it's crazy i mean he was out here when he was out here i remember him and their group you know him and fahim who

i was just on the phone with right before you came in, and Asif and Aristotle, who's on SNL now. It's wild to watch all those guys kind of grow in their own way. It was nuts. That was a growth ratio that I kind of saw people, they were going to grow, but they all kind of went big in their own way, which is huge because that's hard to do. And any kind of comedy troupe group, you rarely see it where all of them are getting their own rise and completely separate to one another. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That's an impressive thing. Yeah. Fahim is a guy that I still love watching. He's phenomenal, man. He's the best. He's easily, in my opinion,

the best written comic in LA right now. The only guy I think that rivals him, writing-wise, and obviously these styles are remarkably unique, but Jeselnik right now. The only guy I think that rivals him writing wise, and obviously these styles are remarkably unique, but Jeselnik right now, some of his stuff that he's been writing is fucking so good. Obviously these styles are nothing alike, but his shit is just, Jeselnik had some shit last night where I was like, God damn it. And Fahim is a churning machine. He's making people, like, do you have people around you that you're, like, that you're inspired by constantly out there that you're like,

oh, this dude, he's writing so much? Yo, so I used to get nervous around certain people. Like, following Schultz, I'd always get nervous. And I didn't get to headline, honestly, until, like, right before the pandemic is when I finally started doing, like, a night when I would headline. And then I started getting weekends during the pandemic and after the pandemic. So I used to get much more nervous and I would like I didn't have a ton of like self-belief and I also part of that was I only got to do these 15 minute sets and then when I started doing these hours more and more I felt like now I'm like one guy who I think is so funny

Nathan McIntosh he's a fellow redheaded guy in New York. He can churn material. He's so in touch with his funny and how he's funny. Like, I remember we sat at a diner one time, and then he just went for 10 minutes on how much he loved diners. Buddy, I love a fucking diner. What do you want? You get anything. Goes for 10 minutes, and I was like, dude,

you could put all of this on stage right now. And then he never did. Because he just, that's just, he just, you know. This is what I do. But is he writing? He's churning shit over all the time. That's me? No, that's you. He's just turning over, turning over, turning over.

So funny. And he's a guy that I used to get intimidated by a lot. And now I'm like, dude, I would love for you to open for me so you can get seen by more people. But it's like, it's cool to be in a position where it's like, no, I don't get as nervous. But he's a guy that I watch and I'm like, I want to be as in touch with my funny Tim. I mean, that's, it's, it's humbling to hear you admit it too.

Cause I'm sure he would think that you're, you know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, Oh, you're trying to shout him out on Rogan. And then it got cut off hard by something. But like,

he's a guy that Canadian dude, but he, I'm like, this guy should be fucking huge. He's so funny. Yeah. Dude. It's,

it's nice to find, I keep kind of trying to find as many people as i can you know around that are like on their on their growth because it's i think it's harder now who knows but i feel like it might be harder now to be a no name and to start cracking through because the the way it used to happen has changed so much where you know comedy, Comedy Central was a place that did give a lot of people shots. People, a lot of people shit on it. But Comedy Central gave a lot of people shots at a lot of young ages.

I shit on them because they didn't give me a shot. Well, there you go. Yeah. That's my whole, that's my whole. Well, they're dead in the water now,

but I mean, back then they really did give a lot of people some shots. And I think for, for our generation or the young, young, our generation specifically, that's how I found out about a lot of people, a lot of comics before I even started.

That's how I found out about Patrice. Yeah. I watched his half hour and I was like, dude, this guy's funny. What is happening? Swartzen, that's where I saw Swartzen's half hour, which is to me one of the best half hours ever put out. But it's like that doesn't exist anymore.

It's only self-made internet shit for that generation now. And it's just harder to crack. I think it feels like it's- It's flooded. Yes, it is flooded. Hard to hard to break through yes so what's the next thing what do you got in your mind tiktok is big i know there's you're into it huh i'm not into it i wish i was nimash patel is a funny comic indian guy i see him on there all the time he cracked off dude he got there early first to market michael blaustein you know mike i know i know me to you we did you we did him and i did punk together.

Punk together, yeah. And first time I met you was you guys were just hanging out after punk and you came to the Village Lantern where we performed. Yeah, he's big on TikTok now too.

He's putting out a lot of content. 1.4 million. Him and Trevor. Yeah, Trevor. Yeah, Trevor, because they do their show together. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of wild to watch.

That's like the next, to me, that might be the next turn of- It's the only thing so many people watch. Yeah, but is that going to get inundated or is that going to get cut down? It will get inundated, but right now that's where everyone's going. Like in terms of, that's the social media. Somebody said it well.

He said TikTok is the apex predator of social media apps. Like my wife will get in a wormhole for an hour and i'll just hear her laughing non-stop swipe bust out laughing you have to see this i don't i'm too old i don't get it i don't care about it right but like people are fucking obsessed with tiktok and they just swipe and swipe and swipe and then i think that'll be even more comics can break through kind of because you're swiping so fast if i like one guy i'll like and then I'll see more and more. I hope it does carry some people through that need the push.

Like I said, I don't know if there's a lot of places to get pushed now. Even our generation, it's hard to get a Netflix special. It's hard to get any kind of boost from any kind of online thing now. So if you can make it your own, hopefully it doesn't get too spoiled. You know what I mean? Yeah, Nimesh, I've heard him a bunch on there

or I've seen him a bunch on there, I should say He's got like 600,000, Laos got like 1.3 million. Wow. Yeah. What do you got on it? I got like 85,000 Let's go! You know what I mean? I'm fucking trying and I don't get on it as much as, I don't get it like, I understood YouTube, I understood

like, you title a video like this and people are more likely to watch it. Bring Back poo is a sentiment I have but I also know that's a special that you'll be like I'm scrolling through YouTube I'll be like oh what's this good what's this about bring back a poo stand up what is that Indian kid what's that about and you're more likely to watch it you know like titling the videos and the thumbnails and all these things I learned TikTok I'm just like I don't I don't get it yeah I don't understand it I think it's harder to wrap it's harder to wrap your head around a little bit yeah because I mean it's not us yeah I think I'm learning that stuff more and more you're like well it's not me I like it yeah

I think it's funny as fuck I sit on the shitter and I thumb through it but I don't know how to navigate it the way that I think it needs to be navigated also the stuff that catches on there is sometimes you're like how the fuck is it like there's a video now that I think it needs to be navigated. Also the stuff that catches on there is sometimes you're like, how the fuck is it? Like there's a video now that I just saw. That's like, uh, uh,

you know that song? Oh, you know me. Yeah. There's like a little, there's like a little Mexican dude that like he flips the phone from down below to like him singing it in the mirror and people have duetted it a bunch, but there's nothing to it.

I don't. Yeah. Other than he's a goofy looking dude. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah. there's nothing to it i don't yeah other than he's a goofy looking dude yeah and that's it yeah that's it's kind of wild you're like fuck that caught yeah like that i don't know why but i also liked it that's what's funny that you're like i like this i don't even know why this dirty mirror weird sink looking fucking dude made me get into it but it's harder for me to target why that's funny, which is what I feel like when we were kids and your dad is like, why do you like that?

And you're like, you don't get it. I understand why a bit is funny though. Even like, well, Beavis and Butthead, I rewatched and I was like, what the fuck was I laughing at? Yeah, your dad did. Your dad, your parents were like, this is fucking dog shit. Yeah. You were like, you don't get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was inventive at the time. I think what Mike Judge did was like, he stereotyped dumb pothead teenagers. And it was a beautiful view of that for an adult. But for a kid, the voices were amazing. Yeah, that's all I was like. They were so imitatable.

Yeah. It was just imitatable. Yeah. It's the same thing with South Park too. It was like South Park has deep messages, but it's, have fat ass. It's such a catchy characters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, that's also why, by the way, Simpsons, go back to your Apusha, that's why Simpsons was so beloved. It was so, the characters were so catchy. Yeah. It was easy to imitate and want to be in that world of Springfield.

Remember when your parents saw Bart Simpson was offensive? Oh my god, yeah. Yeah, eat my shorts. Eat my shorts was offensive. They were like, that's disgusting. Yeah.

Disgusting. Kiss my butt? Kiss my butt? He better watch his mouth now. Ay caramba, how dare you? How dare? How dare you?

That was cultural appropriation. You're right, you're right. You should have clipped him for that big time. Nancy Cartwright selling those shirts. You know her, right? The voice of Bart, Nancy Cartwright. You know about her? I know the name. selling those shirts. You know her, right? The voice of Bart

Nancy Cartwright. You know about her? I know. I know the name. That's it. She's like a known Oh.

I think. I think. I think online and she's donated tons of money. I always get scared when they get that famous and rich

and they become sclantologists. It's the fucking weirdest thing in the world and they low-key, everybody's afraid of them in LA. Oh, dude. I'm so scared of them.

I'm so scared of them. Hey, hey. Because they live near us. Hey, you're fucking weirdos. You're fucking weirdos. And I don't respect you. And I'm a religious guy. But your shit is weird.

Just two bullets, you're out. Yo. No, we're not afraid of them. We just, it's weird to talk. You're like, I two bullets, you're out. Yo. No, we're not afraid of him. We just, it's weird to talk. You're like, I don't want to get near it because it's very strange. The world is weird. You're a cult.

It is, yeah, 100%. But we're a cult. Hollywood is a cult, my dude. Yeah, yeah. We're in a cult. I'm not in it, though. That's the thing. I want to be.

You are, though. By proxy, you are, absolutely. Being in any form of the business, you're in it. You're feeding this entertainment machine by being on TikTok or being on Instagram or being on YouTube and having material on a thing. You're a part of a machine. Yeah, but it's a different machine, I think. I guess.

It is its own machine. But it's all fucking Google. And it's not healthy, either. I mean, robots are going to kill us, and this is going to help. But the Hollywood machine is separate I think from this machine and this machine

is the new machine. It's killing this one. Yeah it is. And I'm not saying this is better but I am a part of this one for sure. But you do know

that they're secretly in cahoots. I'm sure Hollywood has got its fingers in whatever and it's going to figure out how to get real estate here but the old Titans Viacom used to be everything. MTV Hollywood has got its fingers in whatever, and it's going to figure out how to get real estate here. Right. But the old titans do.

Viacom used to be everything. MTV, Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, whatever the fuck. It was like crazy how many people were Viacom. UPN, I think, was Viacom. Like, everything was Viacom. Yeah, that's right. Everything. Yeah, they did own everything.

And now it's a dying thing. It is dead. They're cultivating libraries, so I wonder what that is going to be for their future. It's kind of like owning masters for music. They will have money in perpetuity because of all this old... I'm sure. All the shit that they've got.

Yeah, but if I piss off Viacom, I'm not worried. Right, well, you're not getting better at that. The old monoliths are gone, and they're going to find their way in this new thing, but they're not going to be what you're not getting the old monoliths are gone and they're gonna find their way in this new thing but they're not gonna be what they were right it's kind of like though like yeah the old system finds a new way it's kind of how snl has rebranded itself every every couple of years intelligently so it's like pete davidson was the most brilliant move lauren michaels has ever made in his entire life yeah like ever ever i'm serious for that show yeah because the show was kind of in this mid-level point

of like kind of losing its social, you know, notoriety or even its social grasp. Yeah. That kid is a revitalization of the youth of that show. Yeah.

100%. That's a great point. No matter how many funny people you put on that show, that kid is a cultural icon from the show. Yeah. And they haven't had that

in a long time. I don't know if anybody's gotten more out of an SNL credit since Eddie. Yeah, you mean post-show? Yeah. He's just a rock star. Well, but he's also,

I mean, he was in a different time. I mean, I would say Will Ferrell had one of the biggest careers of all time off that. 100%. Will, like, yeah.

Mike Myers and Dana were great, but they had built stuff off of it. Sandler. Yeah, no, it created stars. I'm not saying it's the best career since then, but I'm saying a sense of like, yo, this kid is just a fucking star from this show in a way that, like Will Ferrell is a comedic genius,

and Mike Myers is a comedic genius. These guys are brilliant comedic minds. I'm not saying Pete's not, but he's just a star more than anything else. He is a star. Yeah, that's what I mean. He's like a cultural item. He's like a cultural icon. In a way that I don't know if anybody's been since.

Like, Eddie influenced the culture. Will Ferrell influenced comedy. Mike Myers influenced comedy. Pete influences culture. It's fucking crazy, dude. It is fucking insane to think about. His dick has influenced the entire world. It is crazy.

Good for him. There's a weird amount of hate for him, but I've always loved him. I met him at JFL years and years ago, and he was a good dude. It's so funny that

him and I were up against each other for that job. Really? Yeah, dude. I tested that year against him. But I was also 30.

30. I heard Lauren said to him, I, yeah. But I was also 30. 30. I heard Loren said to him, I have no idea what I'm going to do with you, but you're a star. Oh, 100%. He knew. He was a kid. And Loren told me, he was like, I have no idea. He's like, you'll be fine.

Yeah. You'll be fine without the show. He's like, you're fine before the show. You'll be fine without the show. And he's like, you're not the puzzle piece I'm looking for. Which I think was like the nicest way of being like, he flew me back out

to kind of tell me to my face was like, you're great, but. Shane said he's the man too, Lauren. Yeah, he treated him,

I mean, dude, look, yeah, Lauren is, Lauren knows what the fuck he's doing. Whenever somebody says he doesn't,

you're like, I don't know shit, dude. That guy is a magician. He turned Pete Davidson into an icon from a show. You're not giving Pete's dick enough credit. Yeah, his dick did a lot of work.

His dick did a lot of heavy lifting. His dick is that thing. Also, imagine I get on that show. Put that in the Smithsonian, man. Fuck. What are we talking about? The dick that changed the world. Frame it.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what? The kid picked up the old Kanye slack. It's strange to me. I don't think I've ever seen a roster like that in modern history. Period. It's fucking crazy. He's one Beyonce short of everybody's dream.

Yeah, exactly. If he fucks Beyonce, it's over. If Jay-Z, if they let go of each other and she's free for an hour. It's Pete's. It's Pete's to take. It's Pete's for the taking. I'd be upset if she got with anybody else. Right, I'd be bummed. But Pete, I to take. It's Pete's for the taking. I'd be upset if she got with anybody else.

Right, I'd be bummed. But Pete, I'd be like, you got to complete the set of everybody's dream girl. It's almost a callback at that point. Like, we need you.

You're free now. We need you to come back into the thing. 100% dude. Who's your hall pass? You got one of these with your wife? I don't have a hall pass.

There's a Bollywood star that I'm just, we're just openly, like, she's so hot. Deepika Padukone who's I've never seen her but she's this beautiful girl say it slower

Deepika is the first name Deepika yeah Padukone Padukone yeah very good you did have an Indian friend

so put her here Joe who edits the show I want to see her so the audience can see her but this is the girl who if she came up to you and was like I gotta I have to fuck

you i honestly i don't your wife let you dude she's very my wife don't play that shit but with her she might be like this is one maybe if there's one that's the one yeah she's you get this would be the i don't have the one we've never talked about like the superstar girl that was like the because you're also in the business. So like it's attainable. Not that it's like... But it's not though. Proximity wise it is. I mean that's hypothetical,

but it's really not. There are two degrees of separation from Beyonce. No, but I mean I'm not that... I'm not... Look, I may be in the business, but you have to be like a part of the business to even want to be in those weird worlds. It's strange, man.

It's different. They're different. They're very different, these people that like... Like they get in... Like they all date each other kind of shit and all that ah that's even if i was single i don't know if that's i just don't want to fuck you married you getting married i'm married oh you're married oh okay i didn't see the ring my bed i threw it away oh i you know i never wore one and it's funny it's like girls are always the first people to say

some shit about it yeah it's like how come you down it's like call her ask her you know what i mean yeah do you you ever think it's like also i think you'll know women are as evil as men are there's no woman who's gonna see a ring and that's gonna stop her if she's an aggressor that's just not true i didn't at first it was just it felt so weird to me and now it feels weird to not have it on no i get that a lot of people i just you know i don't like jewelry yeah i really don't. I didn't want it. But then when I started wearing it now, I'm like, ah, I love the ring. I don't even wear watches anymore,

which is kind of sad because I used to love watches and I just don't. I'm just getting into it. My cousin is obsessed. Like, he loves the movement. So he's like, Omega is the best movement. Rolex, it's a great watch,

but I think it's a little bit better marketing than it is actual movement. He like, is obsessed. So Omega's a great watch. I used to, I got a couple of, like a Longines and a Breitling and I've got a few watches

but I just I stopped wearing them because I never liked jewelry something about it it's too gay for you correct yeah you're not gay

that's what I take back out that conservative dude yeah dude okay so listen let me say this you're people that are gonna listen now are gonna miss your dates

that you have been here. You have stuff coming up? Yeah, I'm going to be in San Antonio March 18th through the 20th at LOL Comedy Club. Have you been there before? No. Okay. No. I'm a Texan, so I'm excited to go back. This is your first time back, huh?

Back to San Antonio. I've been to Dallas a few times. I'm going to be back there again in June, I think, at Fort Worth. San Antonio, go see my boy. Toronto, I'm excited about I'm doing my first theater at the Royal Theater 22nd and 23rd

we got four shows if they let you in Canada yo Canada these motherfuckers don't arrest you in the street yo I'm

honestly I'm doing Vancouver on Canada Day and I'm gonna run for office what's Canada Day they need me July 1st it's a long time but they need me

Canada you guys need me and you know it Tampa Improv April 8th and 9th, and then we're adding a bunch more shows. It's funny, when you do Rogan, all of a sudden people want you at their club. But April 12th through 14th, Tacoma, Washington, Tacoma Comedy Club.

And then Austin, June 8th at the Vulcan. I was supposed to be in April, but they're retards who booked me. I've never done the... I've never... Well, actually, no. I did stand-up at the Vulcan once. Not like a weekend but

i did like a pop-in set how was it i had a great time i mean it's an interesting the stage is mad high it's crazy high it's crazy high but i mean i had a good i had a really good time i always love going to austin and having fun it is great down there we shit on it but like every time i go there i have a great time all the comics that are living down there it's good to see people that i haven't seen in a long time like i do have fun i don't want to live there but i have a great time all the comics that are living down there it's good to see people that i haven't seen in a long time like i do have fun i don't want to live there but i have a good time i did kill tony at the vulcan and dude seeing tony and i like came up together like our first year we knew each other but seeing him and his element i was like oh fuck yeah he loves it this guy is oh that show he's so he's a little cowboy oh yeah he's a little cowboy dude he loves it out there

yeah it's not for me man i i if i was going to move to Texas, I'd probably move to Dallas. Dallas. Dallas, dude. Dallas, Fort Worth is fire. I told Joe he belongs in Fort Worth. You might also. I'm not as sure, but Joe for sure. Dallas for sure to me is my spot.

It's a great place to raise a family. That deep elm down there, we had so much fun down there partying. My brother lives there. Does he? Yeah. Love it. You like hip hop? Yeah, of course. We went down there to a um all right all indian dudes like hip-hop yeah it's the thing all indian dudes have like a little bit of i'm i i i you know i i talked about

i've talked about this before but when you're indian you there's like a white identity in america there's a black identity in america and there is no indian identity there's no like hey here's how you act Indian. So growing up in a white suburb, kids would tell me pretty clearly I'm not them. So I'd be like, I guess I'm one of these black people.

And then I would, so people would be like, why do you talk so black? And I'd be like, well, tell me how to talk Indian and I got you. I will do that. Right.

You think what people say, you talk black? Yeah. Like, why do you act so black? Do you think you talk black? Definitely. Definitely. I might've been more white with you just because you're, you black? Yeah, like, why do you act so black? Do you think you talk black? Oh, definitely. Definitely. I might have been more white with you just because you're, you know.

Yeah, because I'm white. Yeah. Thank God. You're like really white. Like, you're like white. Well, my color is white. My culture is not. Yeah.

I'm cool as a motherfucker, bro. But you're a cool white. I'm a neato, neato white. You know what I mean? Like, you're on a show about a white rapper. Like, that's... You know what I mean? And I've said it before. I like my rappers black.

I like my rappers like... I am white rapper racist. Lil Dicky won me over because of the show. He's great, man. He's super talented. Yeah, clearly. I joke with him all the time. I'm always like, you know me and rap.

I like it black. I've always liked... I sound like Trump. I've always liked it black. If it's not black, it's not rap. If it's not black, take it back. If it's not black, take it back.. If it's not black, take it back. If it's not black, take it back. Dude, what's your website, by the way, so they can go see you?

AkashSingh.com. It's A-K-A-A-S-H. Yeah, A-K-A-A-S-H. AkashSingh.com. Real quick, I was told you would be upset. God damn it. Dude, I saw a piece of it, and I thought that's what it was. A tiger belly shirt.

Burn that bullshit. Throw that in the fire. I've been waiting. I took this off slowly. I didn't see it. I've been trying to angle my body. It's funny because I thought that's what it was.

I saw you eye it for a second. I was like, is that a Bobby shirt? But I couldn't see Tiger Belly at the bottom. It just came from there, you know? Yeah, Tiger Belly's a shit show and I hope you didn't watch it.

I hope you watch only this show because his is trash and ours is way better. We know that. That's my little Bobo. I love him so much. He's my little dumpling. He's the best.

I love him to death. The best. We end the episode every time the same way. You look in your camera right there and you do one word or one phrase that's going to close out the episode. Make it count whenever you're ready. Bitch. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.