Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Andrew Schulz 2.0

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Santino sits down with NY's finest Andrew Schulz to chat about the hidden side of Epstein's Island, Michael Jordan's dad's "accidental" death and the secrets of pumping more than once in a session and planning a standup tour in North Korea. TICKETS NOW ON SALE FOR THE WILBUR THEATER IN BOSTON!!! https://thewilbur.com/artist/andrew-santino/ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! MANSCAPED - Use the best tools for your tool Promo code WHISKEY for 20% OFF at https://www.manscaped.com KEEPS - Don't let your hair go www.keeps.com Use promo code WHISKEY for your first month of treatment FREE Check out SCHULZ: https://theandrewschulz.com For all things CHEETO: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ ALL STANDUP DATES ARE CHANGING AS WE SPEAK AND GET THROUGH THIS THING. Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Buy Merch: https://shop-andrew-santino.myshopify.com Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ & https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining us, welcome to the show. If you're on the YouTubes, hit that subscribe button, hit the notification bell, so you know when we're popping up with new episodes. This week, I'm super happy to sit down with my boy, Andrew Schultz, although he's across the country in New York, battling out the madness that is going on over there. Again, all the dates that we've been putting out,

rescheduling for the Andrew Santino Red Rocket Tour are online at andrewsantino.com. You can check it out. Things are being pushed around. We can't help it. We're doing our best, man. I'm sorry. But you can go to andrewsantino.com to see all the dates. And you can also go on there and check out, oh, Boston just got released. go on there and check out oh boston just got released boston i'm playing the wilba theater in boston october 17th so those dates are going to be up there you can buy them tickets i think that's safe enough to say october will be a great time uh for all of us i hope i hope i hope i hope it's my birthday weekend so i want to go potty in boston dude um go to andrewsantino.com for all those details, as well

as our Patreon and our merch. We got great, incredible merch there, a whole slew of stuff that you can buy, shirts, hats, also a hoodie. And our Patreon is there where I'm doing solo episodes for certain tiers and one-on-one Q&A chats. We have a lot of exclusive content we're going to continue to put up there as time goes on. I'm very excited to bring it to you. So go to andrewsantino.com for all of that jazz. But enough of me rambling. Let's get to the episode.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. What is this? What you know about that right there? Oh, yeah. McCallum's great. I got a bunch of that shit, dude. Look at the year, though.

Look at the year. What is it, 21? that's 21 bro okay 21 you know where i got what is it uh i know that's german bro i know mcallen i don't know where'd you get that who gave it to you i got this in a uh underground strip club in r. Come on, man. When? In Moscow, Russia. I was in Moscow, Russia doing shows, and we went to this crazy underground strip club.

It was across the street from the Russian courthouse, from the Moscow courthouse, and it was in a garage, and a wall of the garage just opened up. It was a cement wall, and it just opened up, and then we drove in, and inside were no less than 50 women

in wedding gowns but they were like bra wedding gowns like you see through lace wedding gowns screaming at the top of their lungs that we arrived like we're the fucking miami heat after their third championship going crazy losing their shit and um we were in there with this russian comic who's like he's he's huge out there he took us and we had our own little private room the room had a bedroom in it and a jacuzzi and a shower he's like any girl you want two hundred dollars i mean 200 bucks 200 bucks bro i mean that was his real cheap no no matter of fact he paid for everything he was like any girl you want is whatever you want. 200 bucks sounds ridiculously cheap. I mean, that's his deal.

He probably spent 20 grand that night. Jesus Christ. Minimum. Minimum 20 grand. I was like, how much should I pay? He goes, it would be more than the whole money you make coming here. I went from how much can I pay to, yo yo can I get that Macallan to go yeah

can you wrap up the Macallan for the table please I'll take some of the grape leaves those grape leaves cheers bro cheers to you sipping on that Macallan hold on but there's none left bro I have one sip left hit the one sip

let's do one sip together. Oh, bro. All right. Well, then hit the one sip. Hold on. Okay. Hit the sip. Let's do one sip together. What are you sipping on? This is a little bit of Eagle Rare. Buffalo Trace's. That's their older brother. Ready? Their oldest brother is Blanton's. Yeah.

Cheers to you, brother. Cheers. Cheers. How do you say cheers, man? Oh, yeah. Whatever. You say cilantro in Ireland. Cilantro.

Cilantro. Cilantro. Cilantro. Cilantro. Cilantro. I didn't do it. Let me do a proper intro, too. Weancher. Slancher. Slancher. Slancher. I didn't do it. Let me do a proper intro too. We're going to use all that stuff. My bad. No, you're good, dude.

No, I don't. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I meet him once again today. It's Andrew Schultz again. My man.

My man. You got the, Schultz, you got the racing jacket on. You know what I mean? You've transcended. Now, only black dudes when I was a kid could wear racing jackets. And now, now you rock it, bro. Only black dudes.

I had black friends that would wear NASCAR jackets and they would never go to NASCAR. Never. That's cultural appropriation, bro. Why didn't we call them out on that? Yeah, because, you know why? Because, uh, uh, all the people, I i think that's i think that's such an inside joke all the people that go to those nascar things hate black people so they wear the jacket to be like yeah i'll wear your shit oh you know i think that's them shitting on the culture being like

like a step above also black people like bright colors and they always had like skittles sponsors or like tide it was always bright shiny colors yeah, man. That relationship with Skittles went downhill, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, but you know what? No, Marshawn Lynch, you know, he brought it back. What was Trayvon? Was Trayvon eating Skittles? Skittles, yeah, it was, yeah.

But Marshawn Lynch, he was a Skittle guy forever, man. He repped Skittles hard. Yeah, he would eat them. Remember when he didn't want to do press conferences? He would just say, thank you for asking that question. Yeah. He would just go, yeah, thank you for saying that. He would start eating Skittles hard. Yeah, he would eat them. Remember when he didn't want to do press conferences, he would just say, thank you for asking that question? Yeah. He would just go, yeah, thank you for saying that. He would start eating Skittles in the middle of the press conference.

That was his response. I do kind of lose through a call there. I don't understand what they want from running backs in press conferences. What do you want from anybody? I just run straight or I run around. I've had this argument so many times. around. I've had this argument so many times. I don't

think athletes should be required to do post-game interviews. If they want to, they can. If they're that kind of guy that likes to be... Because otherwise, you get someone like Kawhi Leonard who gets in front of the camera who's not good on camera because they force him to be there. And then you get one of those memes

out of him that's like... Because he can't laugh. And then they loop it and spread it around. I think unless they want to speak to the media, why do I need to... Get one guy that represents the whole team, and then the rest of the guys, if they want to talk, they can. Otherwise, leave them alone.

I'm losing you a little bit. Are you losing me right now? A little bit, yeah. How's the Wi-Fi? Is that my Wi-Fi? No, I got you fine. You're good on my end. Okay, you were just getting a little blurry, and then it went slow for a second.

The technological flubs of this shit, man. This fucking sucks. How are you holding up in New York? What's going on? I'm fucking done, bro. I'm done with it. I'm not wearing a mask anymore. It's a wrap.

I'm over it. Let's get back to normal. It's time to get back to normal. I can't done, bro. I'm done with it. I'm not wearing a mask anymore. It's a wrap. I'm over it. Let's get back to normal. It's time to get back to normal. I can't do it anymore. So are you not wearing a mask at all, even when you're going into school? No, I only wear a mask. If the store requires me to, I'll wear the mask. But, like, I just think it's stupid.

I'm going to start shaking hands probably next week. Like, I'm just, I'm over it. I'm over it. I feel like we would have all gotten it now if we were supposed to get it you've been going around you've been hanging out you've been probably different people's studios and shit well here's well here's what i've been doing me and bobby bobby's the only one i see in studio did bobby get it i don't know i feel like he might be the source he's the fucking source so if you're the fucking source. So if you're not getting it from him, if you're not getting it from him,

you're good. Okay. Yeah. I feel like he's the one, man. Well, here's the thing in California. Yeah.

Every, every single store requires a mask. It's, it's, you can't, they won't even let you in. They won't let you in the front door unless you have a mask on. I mean,

New York is, it's gotta be the same, right? They're not letting you in the stores if you don't have a mask. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy. That's it. But I'm okay. I'm fine. We can wear a mask in the stores, but it's just like, we got to stop it. Like you're walking

out across the street, like, and somebody like sidesteps six feet away so that you're not six feet social distance. Like you fucking cuck. Just walk down the street regular little bitch. So I run, I've been running, i've been running every night and i get i don't run with a mask on because i live in the i live in the burbs dude i no one's anywhere near me beautiful house middle of nowhere beautiful house beautiful house no bro but i run in the neighborhood i'm near nobody and people once in a great while i'll see someone walking their dog you know like 20 yards away yeah and they'll give me like a look because i don't wear a mask when i run but i'm not fucking near anybody i'm not i couldn't i couldn't hit you if with a tennis ball if i tried it it's like i'm nowhere near you you're never gonna get you know but i

get these looks all the time when i run without a mask because i run seven to eight miles yeah they just they don't deserve they just give me this here's my thing if you want to be over protective i understand do your thing whatever but don't don't throw me looks because i'm running without a fucking mask also don't be over protective you pussy we got to get back to like remember when we called ocd people weirdos like okay we all did the ocd thing for a month eventually we got to get back to normal okay yeah and we're not going to get back to normal with this wash your hands 15 times are you washing your hands after you pee anymore i stopped to be real with normal with this wash your hands 15 times a day. Are you washing your hands after you pee anymore?

I stopped. To be real with you, I never wash my hands after I piss. I never have. Be honest. Right when it hit. Right when it hit. You still didn't? I swear to God, I don't.

I respect that. I only wash my hands. After I dookie, I wash my hands every, of course. But after I piss, I don't know. After a dookie, dude? Didn't Seinfeld? After a dookie i think didn't seinfeld after a dookie dude be honest after a dookie if you're folding four times and you don't puncture you're washing your hands after a dookie if you fold four times and you don't puncture if i don't puncture and it's a ghost shit and there's no no remnants there's no leftovers

then i might do like a quick real fast i might do no soap just water and then i get out yeah a little and then i move on will you ever will you ever i mean how confident this is gonna this is gonna talk about confidence how confident are you will you ever shit and be like i'm so confident that's a ghost shit i'm not even gonna wipe i'm gonna put my underwear and pants on and then go about the rest of my day. Have you ever been that? You don't seem like a confident man, Santino. Do you have that level of confidence?

There's a couple of days, bro, where I take such a smooth, clean go shit that I get up, I get up and I walk away and I leave it knowing it's going to ghost away into the toilet. I don't even hit the, I don't let it, I let it go away on its own. I'm not flushing it. I don't even flush it. I know it's going to disappear when I come home. Someone better take care of it. No, my, no, my schedule, but my schedule has changed of like, uh, what's crazy. Cause I used to, I used to get up first thing in the morning, I'd get in the shower and now I do work and then I go work out and then I shower or I won't even till the end of the day if I know I got to run that. Cause it's like, I feel, I feel dirtier now around the house. Cause I'm, I'm a weirdo with OCD cleanliness, but now because my schedule isn't get up and get out of

the house, that's really manipulated the way I'm like, that's, that's been my wash your hands 15 times a day. My consciousness over showering, because I just, I used to wake up and immediately get in the shower. Like do you shower first thing in the morning? I do whatever I can to avoid showering. What? What are you 15? I only, I only shower if I fuck or work out. Those are the only times I'll ever shower. Come on, bro. Sex or workout. That's it? Yeah. And I'm not having that much sex. So it's mostly working out. So I would say I shower on average, maybe four times a week tops. Bro. Come on. Yep. Okay. What about when it's the middle of the summer, when it's dead middle of the summer and it's hot as fuck in New York?

I'm just talking about corona. If we're not in corona, it's a different game, right? If we're sweating all over the place, if I'm on flights and shit, you're flying from New York to Tampa. Of course, I'm going to take a shower when I get there. But it's just me and my girl in the crib, and then I'm coming to the studio, and then we're in the crib. Like, what the fuck do we need a shower for?

What's her schedule? Has she noticed that? Has she been? You don't fucking know. She's just in the house waiting for me to come home. Got all the energy. I've been expending energy all day. I've been doing podcasts all day.

I'm talking all day. I'm creating content all day. And I open that door, and she is ready to fucking go. She is ready to fucking go she is ready to go tell me all the shit she didn't do that day just just just vomit just mental vomit just and you just have to absorb it just eat all that shit you just have to eat it i love it i love it my my my my my lady my old bag was you know she's in the mode of trying to maybe

put that get that baby circulating so she's like you know trying to set up some sexy fuck schedule are you painting walls dog? yeah dude

so listen to this are you painting walls? hold on yeah man yeah no A and no drip mats no drip mats

no drip mats I'm letting it go no I'm just broad strokes broad strokes okay I'm losing it go. No, I'm just broad strokes. Broad strokes. Okay. I'm losing it. I'm letting it go.

Now, I've never gotten a girl pregnant. When you bust, do you even stay in for the dribble that comes out after? Or do you just give her the first two shots that actually shoot out? No, you got to let it sit. You got to let it sit. You let it sit and you get soft in her. You just soften up. No, you don't soften up.

I got some strong genes. My old man, dude, one time in the car, I was like 14, and like a boner pill ad came on the radio or something like that. And I was like, what is that? And my dad is like, you know, guys, when they get older, they can't get their penis up anymore. And I was like, wait, really? And he's like, yeah, they can't get erections anymore. A lot of guys, when they get older, they, they, their penis can't get hard. And I was like, whoa, that's your dick just like

runs out of boners. My dad was like, no, just, you know, it's time. And he's like, you'll understand when you get older. I don't want to get into it. And I was like, do you still get, does your penis still get hard dad? And he's, and he turns to to me he's like driving like a fucking movie he just turns and he goes you're from good stock see i you know so i i was like i was like i won't have to worry about that shit but i stay hard for a long time dude after i'm done i'm still pretty hard for another like five to ten minutes oh no that i stay stiff i stay stiff i don't know because he's ready to go again just in case so i let it sit i let it sit for a little while and usually if i'm being courteous i let her she gets to take another ride you know hold on two for one how old are you 36 and you fuck you come

and then you fuck right again yeah not every Not every time, but I can do. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, I can't do that. Meat, potatoes, and whiskey.

I can't do that. Meat, potatoes, and whiskey. Yeah, dude. You know what? It's not every time, dude. It depends on the mental facets too, right? Yeah. How turned on I am.

But the other day, I ran seven miles, and she's being real sexy. I get to the house. There's like a note on the door it's real sexy come inside the room you know i get in there she's looking she's how do you make a note saying come inside the room sexy what does she think you're just gonna hang out in the living room of your own home you think after bro after you're right i got it weren't to go into your room and fucking change clothes. Dog. I got, hey, I have other rooms, bro.

I have other showers. Nice house. I got other showers. Nice house. Thank you. Yeah. No, I usually go shower in the other shower, right? God didn't know where she was.

Right. But she left a little cute note being like, come see me in the room. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da. And I get it. I take a shower. I get in there. She's looking fucking stunning.

And I'm so tired from running that I just, I start to try to get into it. And I straight up go, I'm not going to do it. I'm never going to be able to. Seven miles, man. My body was rocked. It's a lot. You don't just give her that back? I was like, you got to give me a couple out.

You got to give me some downtime. Maybe later. Maybe later tonight. Too hard, man. Can you. I was like, you got to give me a couple out. You got to give me some downtime. I'll maybe later, maybe later tonight. Question hard, man. Can you give her that back though? Can you lay on the back and then just let her do what she does? No, man, I'm tired. After running seven miles, I'm beat, dude. But you don't have to do anything. You just lay on your back. I know, but I still have to get into it, bro. You know, and getting into it is such a big, that's such a big step to get into it. You know, like I still have to get into it, bro, you know, and getting into it is such a big, that's such a big step to get into it, you know?

Like, I don't want to just lay there. That's no fun. Then she's like, fucking a dead guy. That's the best. No, I want to pump,

dude. I like pumping. Nah, dude, come on, man. Your boy likes pumping, dude.

I'm the Pump King player. Yeah, dude. You lazy Schultz. You're fucking lazy Schultz. No way, dude. I'm the pump king player. No, you got to get below and then just maybe, I'll do some pumps from below.

Yeah, but that's whack. That's weak. How hard can you snap? That right there. Yeah, a couple of bam, bam. That right there. Get that. Dude, that's my move.

That's serious. That's your number one? That's my move. the lily pad. I like being in control, bro. I want to drive it. I want to fly the plane. You can still be in control, man. You can still be in control from underneath.

When they're riding, when the female is on top, my whole life, I've always felt like I'm not going to get the last shot. I'm like, you got to give me the ball, coach. I, I got to switch. Let me on top. So I can, let me figure this out. Cause when I'm below it's good, it's good. It's good. But you know, you want, you want LeBron to hit that last fucking shot. So let me flip over. Let me hit it. Let me do it my way. I like them coming on top. They know how to work their own system. I just sit there and they use me like a vibrator. They come and then I start

to do whatever I want to do and have sex because I feel bad, I guess. I feel guilty if she doesn't come but I do.

I do feel shit. Well, yeah, but she's got, yeah, but dude, yeah, you always got to let them go first. Exactly.

You got to let them go first and then I let them get on top and I let them knock that shit out and then we start to have fun, etc i'm not gonna try to fuck it out of you it just seems so crazy it's like you know where it is yeah but you but once you've been with someone for a long time you communicate how they get what they need so you figure that out fast you figure that out real fast i go diving i go dive you like to go i diving. I go deep sea diving. I go sunbathing. Yeah, I figure. I like to just hang out on the beach.

Hey, have a good time. Hey, enjoy the water. Let me know how it is. I got my flippers on and shit and my mask. I'm walking down, kicking up sand and shit. My snorkel getting caught. You're just sitting on your fucking towel, chilling. Hey, man, enjoy it.

Tell me how the water is, bud. Hey, yo, speaking of this, tell me you heard this. Can I stop you and congratulate you real quick? Everybody keeps telling me how amazing Dave is. I know I told you privately. Oh, yeah, people like it. But Charlemagne just gave this big endorsement to it on the podcast this week. And Alex, the guy who does all the video stuff for me, he's like, yo, this show is amazing.

This at Taylorlor it's absolutely incredible so congrats man thank you man i appreciate it this is great we're the we're the uh we're the i think it's the it's the biggest comedy viewership since atlanta for fx which is wild yeah we're the black jewish we're the we're the uh we're the jewish version of of atlanta we're fucking we we're like the black jewish version of Atlanta. We're like the black Jewish version of Atlanta because he's embedded in hip-hop culture. Charlamagne was in the last episode, which was great because he didn't hold back.

He was shitting on Dave, which was fun to watch Charlamagne be Charlamagne. You know what I mean? I hate when somebody like Charlamagne goes on a show and they make him do a different thing. It's not worth it. So let him do what he's going to do. So he treated Dave kind of how he always treats Dave,

which I liked. You know what I mean? It was very obvious. And by the way, I still don't know if Charlamagne's a fan. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know if he likes Dave. I know he really likes the show.

I don't know. It's hard to impress Charlamagne as a white rapper. Yeah, well, dude, I mean. You got to, like, hard to impress charla as a white rapper yeah well i mean you gotta have you gotta like check off all these boxes as a white rapper for charlamagne i've noticed like anytime white rappers go in you know he's always like so what are you doing to like support black lives matter and all this shit and then when black rappers come in he's just like so it was good yeah but i mean that mean, that comes with the territory, bro. That comes with the territory.

I get that. But I've said this before on podcasts, and I get a lot of shit for it, but I've said it before. I prefer my rappers black. That's just me. I prefer my rappers black. I was never a big white rapper dude. No.

I mean, I like Eminem, but he was never my, like, Eminem like eminem but i was he was never my like eminem was never my goat okay he was never my goat you're not white angst no i never like i wasn't you are inside you probably would relate to like what a black rapper is talking about before you related to eminem yeah so i never like i was never i mean i admitted this common guy do you like common do you like like the poetry? The woke fucking whatever that is? I don't even know what you call it. Yeah. Dude, I respect common.

Isn't he from Chicago? Yes, I respect common. But I don't need a fucking... I don't need a TED Talk lesson. I want to listen to someone spit shit. My favorite groups or individuals when I was a kid was always gangsta naz uh i love fucking jedi mind tricks so i like dark i like dark ethereal rap like jedi mind tricks but i also liked just phenomenal lyricists like naz and i love gangsta because i thought premiere made the

just the greatest beats of all time and i think guru's voice was you know but that was more my those are kind of my clicks of hip-hop like i dude i used to joke around all the time my friends would give me shit i never liked the beastie boys i still don't like the beastie boys you can you'll never convince me that they're the group that everyone loved i get that they were early in the game respect you know respect that they were pioneers they They never hit with me. Ever, ever, ever, ever. I just never liked it. I never liked that stuff. Here's a question.

You don't like white rappers. What about white basketball players? And be honest. Who? JJ Redick? Who? You know what I mean? I'm just saying,

do you like them a little bit more? Do you rank them a little higher? No. Jason Williams. Dude, white chocolate was great, but also, he proved himself to not have longevity. So many of these white

ball players... What are you talking about? He got a ring with the heat. Dude, he had nothing to do with that. He didn't huge game five. Dude, he was great. He was flashy. Baseline jumper with four minutes to great. He was flashy. Baseline jumper with four minutes to go. Not like I remember.

He was flashy and he was fun to watch, but he just wasn't... He'll never go down in history as one of the greatest hoopers. There's no... I mean, I don't think any white ball player... Any white ball player will go down as one of the greatest hoopers. So that's my answer. So that's my...

It's like there's no white ball player that I'm like... I mean, that kid Tyler Hero. So that's my, it's like, there's no white ballplayer that I'm like, oh, I mean that kid, Tyler Hero, uh, Tyler Hero. Yeah. He's good. He's legit, but you know, who knows? I don't, he's never going to be Zion. Right. I have a question. How long were you in Hollywood before they made you hate white people? Dude, I've hated white people. I've hated white people my whole life dude how long before they sat you down and they were like listen you know we think you got a career ahead of you okay all we're gonna need you to do is diddle that kid and say you hate white people and you can have whatever you want you can have dave on fx also on hulu you can have it if you just

touch the right there's tom hanks look see he does it you just touch the right boys and girls and then everything is yours santino just admit admit they got to you hey that's why they got to you hey that's why i'm compromised that's why i'm third lead on that show i would be a fucking superstar if I touched kids and if I did all the things they wanted me I'd already be famous by now I didn't abide I said I'll hate white people

but I'm not going to touch kids and they were like well then you're never going to be a star so if you just hate whites you get third leads you get the side you get like the funny friend you get to be funny friend but if you want to be the lead. You got to touch kids.

You got to buy into the system. Okay. So you're saying little Dickie's been out there diddling. Where do you think the name comes from, dude? It's not his dick. Shit. Yeah, bro. shit yeah bro i i didn't buy into the system fuck that no i didn't come on they had to see you they had to see you on the come up they had to see you rise they had to sit you down and have a conversation with you they didn't have a convo with you they were like listen we see a future

they never let me in bro you weren't they never let me in they never let me nobody ever let me in no one trusts a redhead people they don't trust me either they don't know they i'm on the fringe of hollywood they don't look yeah they i'm a i'm a i'm a white irish catholic kid from chicago they don't want to let me in but you don't you don't identify as italian i'm italian and irish but to them i'm a fucking redhead. They don't get that. They see me as a Catholic Irish Chicago. That's what they see when they see me. I get the same joke every time I walk into any casting room or any meeting with some like producer or whatever, some big shot in Hollywood. They always do the same shit. They always go, Santino, I didn't

think you'd be a redhead. You know? Yeah. I didn't. That's not what I thought. And I go, yeah, you know, my father's Italian. My mother's Irish. That's, you know, that is what it is. And they're like, huh. And they're like annoyed by it for some like they like they expected like Michael Imperioli or some fuck it. You know what I mean? Like they wanted someone to look like wasn't Joe Montagna. They wanted someone to look like an Italian when they hear Santino. Hold on. Wasn't Santino in Godfather a redhead? Yeah. No, no, no. Sonny. No, that was Sonny. Sonny was not a redhead, but like a- He was strawberry blonde. Light brown, like a light brown maybe. I don't think it was close to red, but it was like a light brown. Yeah. Yeah. They killed his ass in a phone booth.

Hey, let me ask you this for real go did you hear about this festival did you hear about this festival uh i just read about this the other day don't say festival if you tell me there's a zoom comedy panama no no no no no i'm sure there is panama uh the last like a music festival happened in panama in in march or some shit and they got stuck. And now there's a ton of these people that are stuck in Panama, and the government won't let them leave. Like all these fucking hippie, you know,

these tribal fucking festival kids are stuck in this little part of this island off the coast of Panama. Do they have Kung Flu or no? No, but they're contained. They won't let them leave. No one can leave. So the government of Panama has got all these soldiers down there bullying them around a little bit kind of like keeping them keeping them uh stuck on this island all these what this is why

I love it this is why this is why white people love festivals and they get themselves in these situations and it's and that's what happens That's why you're never going to catch me flying somewhere to go be isolated with a bunch of weirdos who are on crazy drugs on a little island. Just listening to some dork music. No, never. What if it was Epstein's Island? And be honest. Have you been there? I've been.

I've been. It's fine. Don't fucking lie to me. Oh, you have been? Tell me. Yo, what happens on the island? Dude, I know that you're connected. Honestly, I know, dude.

All right, here's what happens. I know. Okay, I'll be honest. I'll be honest. Go. If you're very famous, you show up on a Thursday or a Friday. If you're my level, you show up on a Monday or a Tuesday. You got an off night?

You didn't even get the weekend. You got a one-nighter? They gave you a door deal at Epstein's Island. Dude, you got to play. I got to play three shows Monday, two on Tuesday. I got to do a matinee

on Wednesday. Oh, shit. And then I get to stay for the weekend. You got the Zany's downtown schedule. And on Epstein's Island, I have to stay in a condo

that's owned by an outside third party. The carpets are gross. It's just not as nice as you think, man, when you're not that famous. They let you on, but you know,

like those guys get served, you know, they get served Wagyu beef. I have a buffet. You know, there's different sections of the island for different people.

Don't make no mistake. We don't all get to break bread together. You don't get to sit at the big boy table, you know? Yeah. It's different.

Nah, I hear it, man. I fucking hear it, dog. it dog i hear i know what's going on down there i know what's going on in la dog we don't have that shit here in new york man we don't have that fancy pedophile party shit you know yeah you do it's different though oh what is different out there new york new york isn't into pet and they're not into pedophilia, but they're, but they're into, um, Puerto Rican. You guys are, you guys are into foreign manipulation of adults, right? Yeah. You steal Puerto Ricans and Cubans and you, and you fuck with their whole lives and you ruin them, manipulate them. You sexually abuse them. You use them as slaves in your economy. Yeah, man. Yes. Hold on. You're saying that people in New York use Latinos as slaves in our economy. Yep.

Where do you get your avocados? Everywhere, bro. Oh, Mexico. I get mine from Juarez. Hey, I really hope this—I want this podcast to get picked up and they're like— How many groups can we offend? How many groups can we offend? How many groups can we offend? What are we missing? UFOs? Should we talk about the aliens?

Yeah, let's talk about the aliens, man. Them motherfuckers came and they showed up. Are you into the aliens, bro? The CIA released all that footage. Did you watch any of that footage online of these UFOs? Man, come on, bro. Come on, bro. That wasn't the aliens, bro.

You didn't see when they hosed down the Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn. That was one of their hats. That's just what happened when... It got blown off into space? Dude, they were trying to have a funeral for this rabbi. They wouldn't go inside, and eventually they started hosing them down. One of their hats kept spinning out in the air. They got a little footage of that shit.

That's it, bro. That's all that was. Did they really do that? They hosed down a bunch of dudes? Is that really what happened? Yeah, dude, they were in the street and everybody was saying, hey, you got to be inside for corona and shit.

And you know, they don't believe in corona. So they were just outside doing their thing. And then they started hosing them down, apparently. Who, the fire department showed up and hosed him down? Alex, how'd they do it? I don't know which department hosed him down. I don't even think it was a fire department. I think it was a few black kids just from the projects.

They cracked a hydrant like it's summer? That's how we clean these motherfuckers. Cracking a hydrant like it's the middle of summer, letting it spray, putting your hand up to it to get direction and shit. Open it up. It's July. Open it up. Oh, shit. They were out there apparently because the rabbi died from Corona and they were just still out there all hanging out.

Oh, shit. I know. Really? Yeah. DeBlasio even tweeted some shit. He was like, yo, y'all need to stay inside, man, for real. But I respect what they're doing, bro. Just go out there.

You're good. You got a beard. It's going to block it. So let me say this. If you know someone's got it, someone says I tested for it, and they're in your circle, what are you doing? What's your response? Go ahead.

Someone that comes to the studio has got it. What are you doing? What am I doing to them? What are you going to do about it? What would you do if someone came to the studio and was like, yo, I just tested positive. I have it. I don't have any symptoms.

I might be asymptomatic, but I'm letting you know. I don't know. I've been coming to work for the past four weeks in the studio. I have it. What are you doing? What's the response? I'm asymptomatic, bro. You are?

I think. You think you've already had it? Or you're a carrier? Honestly, I think my immune system was not... I think it was just like, we're not dealing with this right now. You know what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying? This is not us right now.

We're not doing this today. Hey, we don't have time for this shit. You know what I mean? We got content to make. We got things to do, right? So if one of the guys on my team came through and he had the roans, I think that we would just be like, nah. I think that would be our approach.

I think he'd be like, I got it. And we'd be like, nah. And then we'd just keep on moving and then see what happens. I'm confident I could be around it and I can't get it. What about Alex? Is he nervous? He's sitting there. He's like is nervous he's sitting there he's like well you know that's you you know alex alex thinks he had it he had he was really he had like uh what he had he had like pink eye or some shit and he thinks i think he had pink eye and he was like i think it was corona it wasn't pink eye the whole time so he he thinks he had it. Mark.

Mark's girlfriend is a nurse. She's an essential worker. Oh, no shit. She's not coming home, though. He hasn't seen her. She comes home. He's hitting that raw dogging spiel. Dude, he's raw dogging that Rona. And we're still out here making content.

We don't give a fuck. Mark. Mark is. Mark's wife. Where does she work? What hospital does she work at? His girlfriend. Yo, yo, yo, chill, fam. Hey, chill, fam.

Yo, Santino, chill out. I want proof, bro. Show me the papers. Show me the papers, Schultz. Show me the papers, bro. There's some crazy people out there, bro. No, what hospital is she at? She works at Will Cornell.

Oh, wow. Shit. And she's seeing all these dead bodies? Is she seeing all these insane amount of dead bodies? Ain't no dead bodies. They're making it up, bro. No dead bodies? Dude, I mean, look.

Some people die, but people die. You don't live forever. When are you dead, Shelts? Say again? When is it over for you? When are you dead? I'm hitting dead, Schultz? Say again? When is it over for you? When are you dead? I'm hitting three digits for certain. No chance.

You think you're going to be over 100? You're nuts, bro. Hey, hey, for certain. Let me tell you something. No way. You got to get more beef. You got to get more beef on your body. You don't have enough beef.

I'm beefing up. You got to get more beef to get to 100. I have to lift more weights? Just more mass in general. You know how dads have beef to get to 100. I have to lift more weights? Just more mass in general. You know how dads have that heavy stock to them? They may look thick, but it's hard as a rock. You got to get that. You got to get more mass in there.

But all those guys have cardiac arrest. No, no. That's dudes with stomachs. I'm just talking about just thickness. Just beef? Like Alex Jones. Like Alex Jones. Yeah.

Let me tell you something, man. The fucking corona breaks. Corona breaks. Let me tell you something, man. The fucking Corona breaks. You gotta beef up. You gotta stop fucking around and you stop fucking hanging out with so many blacks. I mean, they're fine. They're fine to have near as buddies. I just don't think let them into your house and it's a bad idea. But just, you're a good dude. It's fine.

Dude, you know what? You want to know what's insane about this fucking dude? He said he was going to eat his neighbors and they blew it out of him. They interviewed him, and they were like, he goes, I'd eat my neighbor if I got hungry enough. I'd fucking eat him. I'd protect my children. I'd eat my neighbor's heads right off their bodies.

Dude, I saw the video. It was perfect. Yeah, it was great. But we all would. Wouldn't you? Yes. If it pushed him to shove, right? Yes.

Yes. You have to feed your children. You've already fed them your wife. You're eventually going to start feeding them your neighbors, right? That's who's left. Yes, yes. I like how you go wife first, wife first, and then neighbors. Dude, I'm locking up those kids in a heartbeat, dude.

That's the first thing coming off. Put that in the crock pot. Let it simmer for a little while. Let it break down. Put some enchilada sauce in there. Some green chilies. Titty fillets are up, kids. Let's go.

Titty fillets are up. Now, in all seriousness, could you eat? Now, I obviously protect the wifey. I protect the kids. Nothing can ever happen to them. Would you eat a human being if it came to that? I wouldn't even think twice. If I needed to survive, I wouldn't even think twice. If I needed to survive, I wouldn't even think twice.

You would. If I know I needed to do something like that. You know, some people say, what was that movie The Soccer Team Alive? You know, that they had to eat each other

when they crashed in the Himalayas or whatever? Yes. And a lot of people, they took like an audience poll at one of the testing groups and they had like something insane

when they tested the movie that like 80% of people said yes, but 20% said they just couldn't do it. It was like, who are these 20% of people that couldn't fucking eat someone if your life depended on it? Those are the ones who would do it even if their life didn't depend on it.

That's why they had to say no. They would do it no matter what. Because they're actually freaks. They got it in here. Those are the people. I don't see color. Yeah, you do. You see it a lot.

You see it vivid. HD. Okay? What I want to understand is-, you do. You see it a lot. You see it vivid. HD. Okay? What I want to understand is- Polarize. You see people polarize. He's super black. He's black black.

You're right. That's hiding something. But dude, how are they getting any meat on the bone? All the people in that movie alive are built like Neil Brennan. There's no way that they had any muscles that they could tear meat off of. Dude, first- You eat Neil Brennan, you're just getting bones and attitude. there's no way that they had any muscles that they could tear meat off of dude you eat you eat neil brennan you're just getting uh you're getting bones and attitude you hand neil brennan's thigh

to your dog that's the only person that can get some nutrients out of that there isn't a muscle on neil's body neil's glasses barely stay on his face dude Voldemort has an easier time peeping his glasses on than Neil oh shit love you Neil love you we love you

we love you who are we attacking next Tyler Perry let's go no let's talk real talk about fucking I know you're watching I know you're watching. I know you're watching Last Dance and you see all this stuff about Isaiah Thomas is coming at Jordan hard, man.

He's sour. He is hard. Sour. It's wild. How much? Now, you were there during it. They still hate each other. Yeah.

You were there during it. Yeah. Yeah. You are six years old, Seven years old in the beginning? When Jordan came to the Bulls, I was just out of the womb. No, no, first championship. 91, is it?

Oh, 91. Yeah, 91. Yeah, I was eight years old. Eight years old. Okay, so you're appreciating it. You're beginning to understand what basketball is. By the sixth one, you're a super fan. I mean, no.

This is the crazy thing about Chicago. My dad doesn't really love basketball anymore. He used to when we were young. And then he was just baseball and football. But when we were young, he was in love with it. And Jordan was... I mean, dude, we used to eat, we never did this other than when the Bulls were on. We would eat family dinners in the living room in front of the TV. We would never do that.

Dude, for anything, it could have been a presidential address about the world ending. We would have eaten dinner at the dinner table. My mother would never let us eat in the living room. But if the Bulls were on, we could sit in the living room in front of the television. My mom, my dad, it was like legit. The only time we could watch TV while we ate was if Jordan and the Bulls were on. I mean, it was my whole life when I was a kid. Now, around your family, right?

Did Jordan create like a ceasefire with racism, at least while he was playing? Do you know what i mean during that era mr n-word jordan you know what jordan did but you know what jordan did jordan did this thing Jordan, you know what Jordan did? But you know what Jordan did? Jordan did this thing. Jordan did this thing that, you know, Cosby had this effect where like Cosby did this thing that he was like, I'm dignified and I'm going to put that. He put down the black community for being culturally who they were. Right.

And like he got he got certain whites to get on board. I think I told you this story when we talked last time. I sat next to a woman on a plane who saw, I had a zany shirt on or something. And she's like, oh, you do comedy? And I said, oh, I work in comedy. And she's like, oh, I love stand-up. I say, yeah, is that right? And she goes, yeah.

I said, who's your favorite? She goes, Bill Cosby. I said, really? This old white lady. I said, why? Why Bill Cosby? And she goes, um, I just like how we would call out you know the call out culture and the youth for you know dirty words didn't need to be said you didn't need to dress

like a thug and she she was saying all the things i was like right this is this is this is why when black people were like fuck bill cosby he's bitch, is because this woman was like, he's teaching them the lessons they need to be taught. So Jordan did this weird thing where he was a well-educated, well-dressed, very, very keen with the media, like smooth and swift. And so white people and black people kind of both were obsessed with this character

because he was clean on the court and off the court he was squeaky clean to the media so he like broke these weird barriers of racism until years later you found out you know not everything that fucking glitters is gold you know what i mean you get your fucking dad killed you owe 80 billion dollars in gambling you know all the shit that nobody wants to talk about. You think he got his dad killed? Unequivocally. There's literally not a doubt in my mind that his father got killed at the hands of someone that he operated with and owed money to. There's no doubt in my mind.

Why do you believe that? Why do you know that? Because you're in on Pizzagate? Because I'm deep on Pizzagate. Because I stayed on the north side of Epstein's Island, dude. I told you that. No, no. Tell me why, for real.

I'm curious about the conspiracy. For a myriad of reasons. One, his father took a nap in his car on a road trip at a truck stop. He fell asleep in his car. His father was old. These are two young, very athletic, in in shape, young dudes that robbed him. They didn't need to kill him. So the murdering wasn't an accident. They set out to kill him. By the way, if they really wanted to rob him, why would you, why would you take whatever

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Go to manscaped.com. Type in that promo code whiskey to get 20% off. Have a whiskey, shave your nuts, and enjoy the episode, you know? I like tinctures. The dude is a hound like so many other people in his athletic prowess and ability. It's just the media didn't exist back then.

So they didn't know that he owed a lot of money to people. They didn't know he was out gambling constantly. I mean, so years later, they cover up all these secrets about his gambling, but it comes out, he owes tons of people money. It's just, who's going to get to him? Well, he fucked with the wrong asshole who had the right people that did a dumb thing. Those two kids, I don't think they were going to kill him. I think they were going to fuck him up. But one thing led to another and they decided to teach him a lesson at the hands of a bigger boss. They didn't snitch. Those two dudes that killed his father, it never came out that they worked

for an organization, but I don't believe it for a fucking second that they did. Oh, they found those kids? Yeah, those two guys got caught. I mean, well, that's another thing. That's another conspiracy that you can look up online. There are two men that got accused of the murder and put on trial for the murder. Who knows if they were the ones that did it? I don't know. There's no fucking cameras.

There's no proof. The cops found them how they found them. How did they find anybody? I don't fucking, I don't know. Especially in that era, you know? I don't buy, I just don't buy it. And I don't think that, I don't think that i don't think that uh uh commissioner david stern or whoever who was it at the time it was stern right wasn't

it stern back then wasn't it still stern uh you know asks him to go play baseball for a while and then jordan covers it up and says uh my father always wanted me to i always wanted to play baseball and i want to take some time off. And it's like, dude, he walked away because somebody had some good knowledge and went to the league and was like, hey, if you don't make him go away, something bad's going to happen. So they had to make him go away so the heat could die down and the relations could get figured out. Question.

Yeah. Question. Yeah. Some people say, some people would argue that in order to be as focused as Jordan was, like to have that like hyper focus on success, it's very hard to have huge character flaws that exist at the same time. Like gambling addiction. Now, I'm not saying I believe this per se,

because I can make an argument for why he was into gambling for sure but like some people would say that because he's that singularly focused at his achieving his goal and he's so good at that it would hard to it would be very difficult to coexist with this severe gambling addiction right you? You're right. And that's what some people say. You don't believe that's possible. You think... No. I think in the same way that Tiger Woods was obsessed with Punani

is the same way that Jordan is obsessed with gambling. Tiger Woods getting pussy 24-7 had nothing to do with his golf game, the most singular focus in his life. You find out that when he puts the clubs back in the bag and they go back in the trunk, the moment he gets in the whip, he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, where can I get my dick sucked? Let's go. Where are you meeting me? You know what I mean? You find out that when a focus for the game is done, it doesn't mean he turns that off. He's going to think about it. He just has to feed the

addiction. And for Jordan, the addiction was gambling. And, and, but nobody, whoever has been around him has said otherwise. I know on a personal account, someone that, that I obviously I'm not, it's not my business to tell their name, but they've golfed with Jordan in Florida multiple times because they're friends with a couple of pro golfers. He goes golfing all the time down there where all those guys live. They, they never not bet. They don't not bet. Jordan doesn't play golf for fun with his buds. He's going out there because it's another way to get that gambling bug, that addiction bug,

that competition bug out. And by the way, Jordan beating you in golf, it's not fun. Jordan beating you and taking 50 grand from you in golf, it's a little bit more fun for him. You know what I mean? It's a notch he needs to make it feel that it's not fun. Jordan beating you and taking 50 grand from you in golf. It's a little bit more fun for him. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, it's a notch he needs to make it feel that it's worth it. Yeah, that was telling you, dude. That's how I kind of.

That's how I kind of justified it. Like he was trying to recreate the feeling of heightened competition. And the way you do that is not just competing the way you do. Like, for example, when you play a regular season game, it's exciting. And then once you've played in the playoffs, the regular season is a little less exciting. And then once you play in the finals, the regular season is boring as fuck, right? So he's like, how can I, I need to compete and how can I create the stakes? Ah, if I add the element of financial loss, now all of a sudden my heart is beating again.

So maybe that's what he's doing. Maybe life is boring. Right. That's why I've never wanted to gamble on sports because I enjoy watching sports and I'm concerned if I start gambling on it,

it will fuck up the experience for me. Dude, same. I played fantasy football back when it first started, you know, a decade ago when people just first started passing it around.

Yeah. And you knew a couple friends at a work, some guy had an office pool and he was like, you should play with these guys I work with. So I did it for a couple of years, maybe 15 years ago or whatever. And then I never did it again because after a couple of seasons of it,

I found myself like getting more obsessed with my little bullshit than enjoying any of the game. And I know a lot of my friends to this day, they argue with me. They're like, no, it's, you can separate the two.

And I was like, I can't, I'm not good at that that I would get so annoyed at losing in my fantasy football I wouldn't even give a fuck about watching the games anymore I'd be annoyed it would be over so that so that's your I think you're right on the money I think he I just think he needed to fill that feeling it's why these teams you look at a lot of teams to sport dependent but like you look at a lot of teams that win a championship the next, a lot of them have weird slumps or they have slow starts or they just can't get back because you won the thing. So it's like, how can I get this engine ready to start from zero? I got to the top of the fucking mountain. What am I? I'm going to run this thing again, I guess. I don't know. Maybe, but I'll do it on my own time. I think those guys are looking for something. Look at it like this. You can't name me one person at a pinnacle level, sports or otherwise, like a Jordan, like fucking Gates or Bezos or any of these guys, Musk, that are at the

top of whatever their industry is that don't have obsessive, addictive personalities outside of their business. They all do. Every single one of them. Whether or not you see it all the time is a different story. We're just more prevalent to it because of the media. Tiger Woods, if he did that fucking in Jack Nicklaus's era, you'd never know. The Golden Bear was probably dicking his dip in a bunch of stuff. I don't know.

You know what I mean? Like the media lets these guys have their addictions exposed now when back then nobody knew, you know? It was just a different time. I mean, you can't tell me someone that big doesn't have, they just don't have this chaotic addiction in their mind. They're upset. How else would you get up that high?

It would be impossible. Yeah, maybe it's a form of OCD. Maybe it's obsessive compulsive. Yeah, something. I mean, it doesn't mean that they're addicted. It doesn't mean they have to be addicted to women or drugs or gambling. But it's something. Do you know what I mean?

There's something that must occupy their mind so heavily that gets them to a place mentally where they're able to be very creative in these other or successful in these other realms of their brain i've never met a successful person in my life who isn't either neurotic or obsessive or extremely dominant and and and aggressive as fuck i've never met him i don't know i don't they don't there's no there's no beta there's no beta executives you're never gonna meet a guy who runs a fucking fortune 500 company that's like, oh, I'm sorry.

Did that bum you out? I'm sorry I said that. No way. That's a good point, man. That's just not the way of the world, man. As crazy as this is, look at Kim Jong-un's ass. He's so fucking aggro. He won't let people know he's dead. That's how dope. Even when he's dead,

he doesn't want people to know he's dead. He's that good. He's like, even when I die, don't let them know. Is he dead, you think? Oh, he's dead, dog. He's dead. Of course he's dead. Of course he's dead. I'm going to miss him, bro.

Yeah. Are you going to miss those visits? I fucking love that guy, dude. You and Dennis Rodman? I love that guy, dude. Yeah. That guy was a legend, man. Have you seen his sister?

Have you seen the woman that's supposed to take over? Oh, yeah. She looks like michael che dude her and michael j look exactly the same look at them they look exactly the same i don't care what anybody says dude i swear to god when they showed a picture of her i was like bro this bitch do a weekend update what the fuck's going on over here? Dude, no, she's going to hold it down. Shouts to her. What's her name?

I don't fucking, I don't know, Kim Jong Kim. I have no fucking idea. Kim Kim out of Kim Chi. I have no idea who she is. Chi? Dude, how does Bobby feel about all this? He's a little closer to it, right?

She, dude, he, okay, so her name is, Have you spoken to Bobby Lee about this? About Kim Jong Un? He hates, he hates all the comparisons people put online of of uh her name is uh kim yo jong kim yo jong kim yo jong people people always say that um people always make the jokes to bobby about uh korean stuff about about kim jong-un and it's funny, half of the time he like gets into it and then he'll like have a day where he just is, he's mad about it and doesn't want to talk about it. Like, I think it hits him in a weird, like he, he, like we,

we filled the studio with a bunch of like a little baby gong and panda bears. And I put a bunch of eucalyptus in there and we all laugh about it. And then once in a while, he's like, I don't want this fucking gong by me. But then it makes me know I'm going to get more stuff next week, more Asian shit to put near him. Every week, I bless him with some new Asian shit in the studio. You got to get like a Kim Jong-un bobblehead. That would be sick. Just put it on his desk.

I want to. Kim Yo-jong, dude. Kim Yo-joon. What a woman, bro. What a woman. She went to the Olympics. I want to Kim Yo Jung dude Kim Yo Jun Kim Yo Jun what a woman bro what a woman she went to the Olympics she went to the Olympics

and uh I think the most ace shit she did was like you know when they stand up for the other countries or whatever and they zoom in on her and her face was

like stoic as fuck no emotion whatsoever that's who you need to run the country no emotion someone blank as fuck you're gonna have someone take over

would you let her get on top would you let her get on top and ride that fucking red rocket 100 100 yeah because she knows exactly what she's doing yes because and by the way let her be in control yes because i know that all she wants to do is is is is make sure that i come the best i've ever come because if i ask her you know we're fucking and and i'm like don't you know don't you want to come and she's like i don't come that's for weak people and i'm like oh shit you know what we're fucking and I'm like, don't you know, don't you want to come? And she's like, I don't come. That's for weak people. And I'm like, oh, shit. You know what I mean? She just puts me in my place. She thinks coming is a weakness for women. She's like women who come are weak people. Now, when you finish, does she give you one of those like warm, moist

towels? Like how exactly does it work when you go? No, no, man. She's real direct. When I went, as soon as I'm done, as soon as I'm done, she gets up off me and she goes, get up, wash yourself, go wash yourself. Now she makes me wash and she stands there while I wash. Right. Feet, feet, more feet, more feet. I wash off my feet and she goes, okay, change. We must leave now. She's direct with me, dude. She's got, I like it. I really, I gotta be honest. I enjoy my life with her. Yeah. We have a good little time. She, I'm not her bitch but you know she does boss me around dude we gotta go to North Korea man

let's go bro let's go let's go how do we get an invite over there you don't need an invite you just show up you go to that DMZ and then you just walk across that's it dude you don't

have to show your allegiance do you have to do you have to do so we should get tattoos we should get north korea tattoos to be like bro we're serious about it you know you can see right here we're dead serious let's go i will we should go there we want to go put on a comedy show let's do a comedy show we'll do a comedy show and you know we won't charge money we'll just say you need to bring like three high chews and if you bring like three high chew snacks then you get in and then and then it's lit as simple as that i'm really down with that dude i'm all about that eat some bing bing bop let's go that north korean bing bing bop you know it's gonna bing bing bop is so good the north korean bing bing bop, you know it's going to slap, bro. The bim bim bop is so good. The North Korean bim bim bop? That sizzling egg, bro.

Yeah, man. That's what we serve at the shows. I'm in. Let's go. I'm down. I'll do it. North Korea. It'll be me, you.

We got to bring... They only like whites. They're racist. They don't want any non-whites, right? No, you could bring blacks. Dennis Rodman was a black. Not really, though. So you need to bring trans blacks.

We've got to bring a trans black. If you're going to bring a black guy, he's got to have lip piercings and lipstick. He's got to have the whole thing. Yeah, he's got lip piercings and lipstick. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's got to be a Jezebel article. Who's the gayest straight black comic that you guys have out there in LA? The gayest straight black comic would be like... That's tough.

Who is it in New York? I mean, who's the gayest straight black comic? Gayest straight is it in New York? I mean who's the gayest straight black comic? straight black comic who's the gayest straight white comic in New York? is that one? oh fuck the gayest straight white comic?

yeah who's the gayest straight white comic? oh it was Harrison Greenbaum I don't know who that is i have no idea i mean like he he said he was straight and he also did magic and uh and uh that's it stop you're done that's it that's it he did magic that was it his stand-up and he had like a super gay voice which is his it's that's what i understand about the gay voice like that's up to you right yes dude i watched a documentary that got a lot of criticism called The Gay Voice.

You can look it up. I think it's on Amazon. Yeah. And it was done by a guy who's gay. And he got so much hate in the gay community because he did a thing saying he talks. It's a fake voice. Yeah, he has a very deep voice. And he's like, that's cultural.

That's just cultural influence. That's like that's cultural that's just cultural influence that's all that is that's cultural you're choosing to talk like that because you speak with the accent from wherever you're from right like if you're from new york you have a new york accent from chicago you have a chicago accent right yeah so why is it that somebody is from new york they're from bensonhurst brooklyn and they're like yes like you wouldn't hear that sound ever in benzer and hurst brooklyn right like it's like hey you want to get a pizza at the corner yes i got a pizza it makes no sense right yeah man it's cultural it's his call hey it's his cultural and this guy talks about the documentary and a lot of gay dudes in it get mad at him and it's like he first of all he's exploring the idea that's all

he wasn't shitting on he's saying i believe because he goes i talk i speak with a he's like from kansas and he's like i speak with a very like farm midwest slang he's like i don't have the gay voice and he goes i get criticized in the gay community other gay dudes are like you know he he talks to domineering and he's he's he sounds like he like, you know, he talks too domineering and he sounds like he's, you know, like he's better than us because we have this accent.

It's like, no, dude, fucking, some people adopt those things and others don't. Dude, if you go to London for long enough,

you start turning into Madonna where you get like the little like, this fucking weird British accent that comes out. Yeah. Yeah.

Just talking about that. So, so I guess my question is where is ron funches from ron is ron what ron is he got that accent bro ron is from the south side of chic Chicago and then they moved to Portland. Ah. Come on. Like Portland is the most white hippie. White hippie weird like. Rudest city I've ever been to in my entire life.

Couldn't agree more. When they told me Corona was there I rejoiced. I rejoiced. They said the first cases of Corona are in Portland and I went like this. I went like that. I literally I balled up a fist and i just went like that you know what's funny though

rudest city i've ever been to here's my thing though i love the pacific northwest i've always loved seattle i've always loved vancouver portland there's a beautiful cities up there but for some reason rude the culture in portland so judgmental, is so fuck. It's like there is this there's this very holier than thou attitude. I mean, fucking Fred Armisen's show, Portlandia, in a nutshell, explains that it is they judge the fuck out of everybody. You are up for judgment. It is social justice heaven, dude. It's crazy.

It's crazy. We went to this restaurant, right? It didn't have any like seating, really uh yeah i asked the woman that worked in the restaurant i was like uh hey could you recommend a restaurant where we could have like like some table service or something like that in the area and then she goes um she goes oh she was uh she goes yeah do you have a phone and she goes do you have a smartphone i go uh i go. And she goes, why don't you try typing it in that? Fuck you. Fuck you.

Although, by the way, props on that slap because she slapped you hard right there. Dude, she slapped me hard. She slapped me hard. This social justice warrior bitch. And then I'm sitting there with Alex. You know Alex, right? Yeah. He does all the video for me. He's black, right?

And loud in the restaurant. I just go, why'd you call my friend the N word? Hey, I go, why'd you call him the N word? That's inappropriate. That's not nice.

Bitch. That's one of those things I wish I did in the moment, but I actually just tucked my tail between my legs and I walked out. She slapped you, dude. She slapped you hard. She was like, get the fuck up out of here. Dog, I was, I couldn't believe it. I literally couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. But there is a weird attitude in Portland that, and here's what's strange about Portland though. Like I said, I love the Pacific Northwest. It's fucking gorgeous up there, man. Some of the best days I've ever had were in Seattle with my buddy going to this

little beach that he took me to out there drinking beers on paddle boards and shit. It's gorgeous up there, man. Some of the best days I've ever had were in Seattle with my buddy going to this little beach that he took me to out there drinking beers on paddle boards and shit. It's gorgeous up there, man. You go to rural Oregon and rural Washington, different world. It's crazy how different it is. You're talking Portland is like, if Portland is fucking, you know, the tip top of social justice, you go to fucking rural oregon that's back country hunting fishing fucking fighting trump shit it is the polar polar opposite in in country bumpkin oregon nothing like nothing like portland not even close it's a different world it's different east washington different world man i have a buddy who's from out there it's it's hunting and fishing it's it's conservative as fuck.

It's just the coast. You know? Coastal cities. That's what I'm talking about, bro. They get it. You want to get out there? I want to live on a lake. I want to retire one day on a lake.

I want to die on a lake. That's what I want. I want to die overlooking a lake. That's my dream to me. When I'm done with LA, I want to go to a lake somewhere. Get a house on a lake. That's the most Chicago shit ever bro I love lakes bro

I fucking love because of course you do dog of course you do where do you want to die bro you want to die you want to die in Manhattan you want to die in that fucking

overcrowded congested city you want to die there I'm not going to die baby okay bro alright alright okay respect I'm gonna play this soul too santino i'm going to mars with elon bro i'm not playing around i'm gonna leave y'all on this earth you're not leaving me bitch you're not leaving me i got a ticket to ride i got a ticket to ride

yeah i called elon i called him up i said bro scoot over put me in the put me in the back at least put me in the caboose of that bitch put me me by the flames. I'll scoop and shovel to keep that thing moving to space. I'm going. I'm out. As soon as we can get out, I'll go for sure. I can't believe, you know how many people already have that ticket? I would love to see that list

of how many people have the exit ticket. You know what I mean? Oprah. Fucking. But real talk, would you want to go or would you want to stay and see this shit just fucking devolve? That'd be dope too. No, I'd want to go or would you want to stay and see this shit just fucking devolve that'd be dope too no i'd want to go i like i want to go my favorite genre of

movies post-apocalyptic like i love what happens when there's no rules like let's let's see some real shit go down yeah but here's the thing when you're up there with them they have a feed so you can see everything going on down below you can it's like that's a movie yeah that's movie night that's movie night they're like every monday we gather to watch earth crumble it's a new every week is a new episode and they produce it like it's a tv series like you got you they pay producers down there in drones to shoot this shit and send it back up to us i love it yeah i love it yeah we yeah yeah i love it we're doing that shit i love it we're doing it i love it yo are you are you have you rescheduled all your dates for traveling um pretty much like when are you

gonna start going back out for real uh i mean i'd go back out tomorrow if they let it happen i don't really want to do like the half full shit i think that could really affect shows if like this if there's a lot of space in between the seats and just people are connected and together but i i'm a little bit more bullish than most people right now like i really think once people see it's okay to go outside then everybody's gonna run outside because we act like we're afraid to go to shows go to these things the second they open up the salons every one of these girls gonna get their pussy wax and their eyebrows done their fucking hair done etc so you're not really that concerned to be in

a business. The second you're in that business, you're like, all right, I'll just go to this restaurant. I was in a restaurant with all these people. Fuck it, I'll go to the show. I think we'll deal with some masks and shit in the show, but I'm starting to think within two months of us being open, I think we'll be back to normal.

Now, the government might not allow it, But if May 15th We open up I think I think by July 15th We should be good to go Yeah I hope dude

I just Something inside me I don't know if I know How to do stand up anymore To be honest with you I haven't done stand up In so fucking long bro Everybody over here

Well here's the other thing They're doing all these Online stand up things And I keep People keep offering me And I'm like I can't I just No I can't done stand-up in so fucking long, bro. Everybody over here. Well, here's the other thing. They're doing all these online stand-up things, and people keep offering me, and I'm like, I can't. No, I can't. That is not. No.

No, thanks. I can't. I can't. It's not stand-up. No, it's not. And to think that we're going to be able to even get the satisfaction from that, it's methadone. It's methadone to heroin.

I need the heroin. I can't have the methadone. It's going to make me just want heroin anyway. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to be jonesing so hard. It's Advil to heroin. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not, you know what I mean? It's not even close because, you know, we like the laughter. We like the reaction. We like the connection. And we're not getting any of that. Right. Right. So, I can't do that shit.

No, I know. And I've been, a few people have talked to me about doing them. And I said, no, you know, no, thank you. I've said no, thank you to like three, four people already. And you know, I get it. Some look, look at it like this. Some people don't have any other streams of income. And this for a lot of standups, they got to do something to make a couple of bucks. And you know, I don't blame anybody for doing what they have to do. It just, it's not, it's, I can't, I can't, I know I'll hate that feeling. You know, I'll, I won't be able to do what I do. So I just can't, I just can't, I know I'll hate that feeling. You know, I won't be able to do what I do.

So I just can't, I just can't do that, man. I can't stand up there and talk to a computer of audience members I never see. I just, it's not for me. I mean, they're trying. There's a dude that's doing one where you can see the audience on a feed. That's weird.

He pitched it to me. Somebody gave me an email today, some company, one of these big fucking companies. You know, that's the he pitched it to me somebody gave me an email today some company one of these big fucking companies you know that's the other thing all these companies these media companies they're going to be trying to expand during this time

by thinking of new shit you know like hey let's jump aboard what's happening and I think that's going to tank them even harder because they're walking into water that they don't they got no business swimming in

it's like you don't you've never no business swimming in. It's like, you don't, you've never done this. Why do you think now is the time to capitalize on it? You know? Right. Yeah. By the way,

when are you doing, uh, when are you, when are you doing this year special? When are you shooting this big special that everyone can't stop talking about? We rescheduled it for November 13th and 14th, uh, at the Orpheum.

But who knows if the theaters that size will be open? Who knows if people will be able to travel? There's so many who knows, man. What is the Orpheum? 2,500 or something? How big is that? I think it's about 2,000, maybe a little less than 2,000. Maybe 2,000.

Maybe a little bit more. Something like that. 2,000. Around 2,000. But who knows? They might do a nobody. No venues over 1,500 can be open until 2021. We're going to figure it out. Honestly, I wanted to do it in a big venue. They might do a nobody. No venues over fifteen hundred can be open until twenty twenty one.

We're going to figure it out. Honestly. Yeah, I wanted to do it in a big venue. I think specials actually are better once you film and once you watch them in more intimate venues, because the pacing is more similar to how one person would listen to a joke. Right. When you're telling two thousand people a joke, right? When you're telling 2,000 people a joke, the pacing is much slower. But only one person watches that joke in their home, right? So when you're talking to 50 or 100 people or 200 people in a room, the pacing is a lot more similar to one person watching at home.

So it just kind of blends easier, in my opinion. So if we have to shoot it in the fucking belly room, I don't give a fuck. I stand by the jokes. I don't care. But I kind of just want to do it so we can go on to the next, you know, the next tour and the next. Do you feel like any of the jokes are going to be a little burnt by the time you put them out over there? For sure.

I mean. That's a worry. That's a big worry. Yeah, but you know what it is? It's like I'm hoping that one, I'm going to have some new stuff once we hit the road again. And once I'm able to get back on stage and I'll have some bits about Corona and how it's affected me, et cetera. But I think what happens also is the jokes you have morph and they're affected by the experiences we've just had. And all of a sudden I take those experiences into the jokes so they feel kind of new and fresh again.

But, man, what I've realized is, like, people have a special. It comes out. It looks like it, like, is going to change the world. And then two weeks later, it's as if the special never came out. So you've got to keep on producing. You've got to keep on churning out content. So for us, we're not going to stop putting out clips every week. Right.

We're not going to stop this. The special will come out and we're going to continue to do all the things we're already doing. So the special is like one part of that. So. Right. It is cool. Well, when it does come out, I want to go all the things we're already doing. So the special is like one part of that. So it is cool. Well, when it does come out, I want to go watch you film it. Please, yeah, if you're in town. I think you need some honest friends there.

So in the middle of a joke, if people are laughing, you need someone to go, no, no, no, no, no. That ain't that funny. That ain't that funny. Relax. You need someone to calm it down. Boo! Boo!

Yo, look, I love you to death. Next time we can meet up, I can't wait to see you again and hang out with everybody. I miss hanging, dude. I miss seeing people. It's a bummer, but I'm glad we got to do this.

I appreciate you. We end the episode the same way. I miss seeing people. I know. It's a bummer, but I'm glad we got to do this. I appreciate you. We end the episode the same way. I'm going to walk off camera. You say one word or one phrase into the camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Go ahead. Okay. Epstein.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.