Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

Santino sits down with the shirtless wonder the one and only Machine Bert Kreischer to talk about adventures on the road and so much more! #bertkreischer #andrewsantino #podcast #whiskeyginger COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com ============================================================ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://rabbitholedistillery.com/drizly ROCKET MONEY Get Rid Of Unwanted Subscriptions! https://rocketmoney.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey MIZZEN + MAIN $25 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://mizzenandmain.com/whiskey VESSI 100% Waterproof Shoes Use promo code WHISKEY for 15% Off & Free Shipping https://vessi.com/whiskey Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I love my dog, and she's incredible. She's also a little bit of a pervert, I'm not gonna lie. It's disgusting, she's so weird. Whenever we start hooking up, I can hear her collar jingling down the hallway like a prison guard with the keys when they know the boys are being bad, you know? Whenever we start hooking up,

she'll start running to the room, and we have to close her out. But still, she's persistent. You'll hear her under the crack of the door just... Like a detective. It's twisted. The moment that we're done, the moment we're done hooking up, I'll open the door. The dog will come in the room, jump on the bed and go right to the wet spot. And she's like, get her off the bed. And I'm like, let Scruff McGruff figure out the crime. Who done it, Scruff?

Was it the ginger general with the lead pipe in the ballroom? Who did it? Hey, this episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by rabbit hole distillery and their original works of bourbon this is the stuff that i've been sipping on for a while this is their cave hill what i love about rabbit hole is that they view bourbon as an artistic expression they're fancy people man they're artists a portfolio of a one-of-a-kind mash bills using signature malted grains and every one of their delicious small batch expressions is aged in charred and toasted barrels. Some people tout that they do that. They don't.

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What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. My man, Burt Kreischer's on the show, The Machine, The Shirtless Wonder. Love him. Very funny dude. Speaking of funny dudes, myself. Hey, watch my special on Netflix, Cheeseburger. Watch it right now. It's available everywhere in the world on Netflix. Please watch it, share it, talk about it, tell all your friends. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today.

It's the first time this gentleman has graced our presence on this show. Cannot believe it took this long. Two busy-bodied men, one of them touring the world, selling out amphitheaters, arenas, you name it. The other one, barely getting by in small theaters. It's Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming, sir. The fun of the small theater is the funnest part of the business. That's the best part of the business. No, come Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming, sir. The fun of the small theater is the funnest part

of the business. That's the best part of the business. No, come on. You love the arenas. No, I love the arenas. Don't get me wrong, but the most exciting

part of my career was the leap to theaters. It was the most exciting. It was where everything was brand new. I put everything, I quantify everything in, I'm going through

a big analogy phase today. Yeah, let's get all the analogies out we can. If a relationship, if your business is a relationship, then theaters is getting in her pants for the first time. It's that fucking, like, oh shit, she's letting me. Like, this is cool. And then you're like, oh, she's turned on too. Oh, fuck. I think we might have sex. But you're like, oh, she's turned on too. Oh, fuck. I think we might have sex.

But you don't know if you're going to have sex. Hopefully having sex is arenas. And you're like, oh, my God. Arenas is anal. And you know that. Arenas is anal. That's when she opens up and goes, peel me apart. It's open air.

Let's have a little bit of sip of something. Please. You didn't drink last night, so you feel good. I feel fun. I mean, so crazy how good. My whoop recovery is 98%. Dude, you're a whoop god. I am.

I love whoop. You guys are like whoop to the top. I love whoop, and I'm paid to say it twice a year. Like, I'm paid to say. So they pay you to do it on the pod? Tom and I do sponsored ads. I think we have to do twice a year. At the very beginning of October and the very end of October, they are sponsors.

Okay. But I wear it year round. Because you love it? I fucking love it. I love it. I'm a ride or die for them because it tells me how hard I... I mean, I could do a read for them right now, and I don't even need to copy. I don't even know what the fucking... We don't even have a call to action. They're not my

sponsors. But they're pretty good. They say the best one. They say the best one. They say the best, best, best thing you can get to deal with your sleep is the Apple Watch. Yeah, someone else said that to me too. There's also the ring. The Yuva ring. Nuva ring? Oh, I think.

Nuva is the one that girls. That's the one I'm thinking of. That'll help you sleep too though. Cheers, brother. So good to see you. Great to see you. Great to see you. Let's see if you like this. This is rabbit hole's finest.

It's, uh, this is double chocolate malt cast strength. Wow. I like it a lot. Founder's Collection, Kentucky bourbon, limited edition. I like it a lot. The boys over at Rabbit Hole sent that to me because I said, you got to give me something better to have for Bert. I can't just have regular, even though I have some good stash over there. You got a really good stash.

I really like this setup. Smooth and small and easy. I like it. I'm stuck on, and this is a little inside baseball, but if you're a podcast fan, then you'd get it. I'm stuck on the days when we just needed an H6 and a camera. Oh, yeah. Those, because, and I say this because the investment

was roughly around $1,200. Just about, yeah, a couple grand. A couple grand and you had a podcast. And then once you got funding, I remember the first time I got a sponsor, it was, I want to say it was maybe like, maybe it was $1,200 a read. Maybe it was less. Maybe it might have been,200 a read. Maybe it was left.

Maybe it might've been 750 a read. And I did like four reads. And I thought to myself, ah, I just paid off my, like I'm making money now. Making real money. And it was such a, and every day I did a podcast and I had a read. One read and I was like, I'm making money. It was the coolest coolest because in this business you have to get crowned.

That's the way this business used to run. You work, you have to get crowned and once you got crowned then they'd let you make money and they wouldn't even tell you when your money was showing up.

You'd sign a deal and you'd be like, so when do I get paid? And they're like, it's coming, it's coming. Take it easy, man. You didn't realize

that your manager was getting the money, putting it in his account, waiting for the end until the deal was over and give it. It was such a sketchy fucking business. So much of this that the second in this business we could make money for ourselves

and by the way the coolest thing i mean i'll tell i'll talk positively about rogan forever but he made sure it happened for everyone like he put everyone over the love he spread the love and he and it wasn't he wasn't stingy with it. But I, and I miss those days. I miss those days so much. Simpler times. That I have a hard time getting used to where we are today. Right. Like where you start adding employees and then you start going, what the fuck?

Like the big P that you brought. Yeah. Well, he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. That kid. Better than your wife or your kids? Definitely better than my kids. Definitely better than my kids. Definitely better than my kids. Those fucking chest weight vests.

All right, check this out. Gun to your head, and somebody's like, hey, man, your wife or pee? Oh, I mean, she's 52. The kid's got a life ahead of him. He's 27. He's fucking. Get rid of her. Me and him run pussy up and down the fucking coast.

Are you kidding I thought you were gonna switch teams against her fucking him he's fuckable though he's a cute kid he looks like Jon Snow yeah he does

he looks like Jon Snow and he doesn't know it he doesn't know that he's a good looking kid no he can't hear us okay but he's the best fucking guy

in the world for whatever reason whatever happened to him in his childhood he likes to take care of people. And I noticed that. I worked with him on Go Big Show. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you doing that again? No. And then one day, we were shooting late, and I was walking back to my dressing room. And he said, hey, they already did dinner. And so I just ordered for you. I ordered from three different places. And I got you a mix.

I figured you could sample a little bit. And he didn't know that I do that when I go out to eat by myself. That I order three meals. You do? Three entrees? Three entrees. And you just pick – you just try all and then the one you like the most you keep. What I do – no, I just eat a little bit of each.

I thought you were going to say I eat them all. I have eaten them all. That's how I started gaining weight is I was definitely ordering two. And so I sat down and it was great. It was shrimp. It was shrimp skewers, which was fucking awesome. It was Mediterranean food and it was a burger. And I was like, this kid thinks the way I think. And then when I needed an assistant, they were like, do you have any ideas?

I go, there's this kid in Atlanta that I'll reach out to him and see if he wants a job. And he came out. He moved out and lived with me in my tour bus. Didn't even have a house for like fucking six months. Just lived in my tour bus. And then we get him a hotel when he was here. And now he lives out here full time. He's the fucking greatest.

And I'll lose him. I'll lose him. Yeah, you will. He's too good. He's too good. I may snag him. Someone's going to snag him. Because he's good like that.

He's smart, and he works hard, and he thinks about other people first, and he's never once gotten upset. He doesn't get too drunk. The other night, we were doing edible roulette, where we put edibles in a basket full of gummies on the bus. Maddie Smith was with us. She was like, I say we do edible roulette. So we had other gummies.

So we threw these things in. It was 10 milligram gummies. That's pretty good. It was pretty strong, yeah. And so we put them in, we shake them up, and we all go in, we all grab one. And you had to close your eyes. And then you put it in your mouth.

And the second it went in Pete's mouth, he goes, I got an edible. And then it's in my mouth. I go, you can taste it? And then I taste it and I go, I got an edible. And then it's in my mouth. I go, you can taste it. And then I taste it and I go, I got an edible too. And Maddie's like, I did too. And Moses Storm's like, I got one. And so all four of us,

and there were other people that picked them and they're like, we didn't get them. We didn't get them. And then Maddie goes, oh, I misread the package. What? She goes, there are 100 milligrams. Shut the fuck up. Holy shit. I swear to God.

I swear to God. And he just goes, I'm going to my bunk, guys. I'll see you in the morning. Good night. Didn't say a word. Didn't get angry. Got in his bunk. Went to sleep.

Woke up the next morning. He goes, I'm still a little high, but let's get some shit done. And I fucking got in my bunk like I was time traveling. You ever see those fucking, you ever see that Chris Pratt movie? When everyone goes to sleep, but he wakes up early? Yeah. I woke up in the middle of the night like Chris Pratt

walking around going, do I wake someone up and force them to be in this hell with me? Or do I just fucking die by myself? Die by yourself, baby. Be a soldier. Die alone. Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz was in one of those.

Take the hit, cocksucker. Die alone. Joey Diaz, we did, I'm sorry, Joey, if you just said in the story you want Joey, if this isn't a story you once shared, but this is such a good story. It's such a good story. So Joey Diaz, we all go to do the first night of Fully Loaded

and Joey Diaz eats a ton of mushrooms. And I go, hey, Joey, we're getting on the bus. I mean, it's going to be... Are you sure? Yeah, cocksucker, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. It's a long ride, huh? It was a seven-hour ride in the bus. No, dude. And he's on mushrooms. No! And he's a bigger guy. It's a long ride, huh? It was a seven-hour ride. No, dude. And he's on mushrooms.

No! And he's a bigger guy. He's got a sleep mask. So he really is like Chris Pratt in that movie. He's got the mask on. He's in the bunk. And all I just hear is go, pull the bus over, cocksucker. I'm done.

Get me a fucking hotel room. He's like, I can't do it. I can't do it. And then we go sit up front sit in the front seat and he sits in the front seat he goes it's fucking right it's terrifying to sit in the front seat of a bus and it's not fun it's terrifying fun do you think you're gonna die at all times yeah it's yeah and then you look at your bus driver who's on the phone facetiming with some fucking chicken so and he's like yeah yeah uh-huh uh-huh yeah it was uh the rumble strip but that's how good he is he didn't even get he didn't even get

see i don't like getting too high on edibles and trying to lay down i have to live alive with it because people that can go to sleep no way when i lay down on edibles i feel like uh honestly dude i always feel like i'm tilting or tipping and it feels like i'm on like you know you know the moment you lay down on a water slide you know what i'm talking about the moment you lay down and it goes over the edge that's how i feel the whole fucking time like I'm on like, you know, the moment you lay down on a water slide, you know what I'm talking about? The moment you lay down and it goes over the edge, that's how I feel the whole fucking time. Like I'm continually being pushed over the edge and pulled back and pushed over the edge. It's a very good analogy. By the way, I rode water slides for a living, you know, for Travel Channel. I rode roller coasters and water slides for a living.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there is a moment when you, especially on a steep water side, when you lay back, you let go. You go, I'm out of control. I will be going as fast as this body can go. And there was one we did in Butler, Ohio, where you went and they shot you up in the air. That's awesome. And so they were like, I think you went face first. Cedar Rapids? No, Butler, Ohio. It's actually, it's not a park.

It's an adventure camp where kids go there to learn to skateboard. Like Woodward. BMX. And so it's fun as fuck, but they had a slide, and it teaches you how to control your body in the air. And you would go on your stomach, and I was like, oh, I just want to sit. And they're like, don't sit, because if you sit,

you're going to flip back and you're going to land on your head. Yeah. They would go on your stomach, and I was like, yeah, but I can't control my speed. And they're like,'t don't sit because if you sit you're gonna flip back you're gonna land on your head yeah they go go on your stomach i was like yeah but i can't control my speed and they're like that's not how it works i did one time i did uh we jumped off a um an arch the corona arch i think in in moab and they had what they had done is the arch is so the arch is i'll see if i can do this right it's like this right Or it's like this kind of, and then this is a big mountain and you climb up it and you get here and then they have a rope here that loops under here. Right.

So you swing that way. And then you tie onto the rope and you dive and you swing under, right? Right. So I'm putting on a helmet because in case I get hurt and the dude looks great and bared, he goes, eh, don't put on the helmet. I said, huh? Who is this guy? He's the expert.

And he goes, if something goes wrong, just die. I said, what? He goes, you don't want to have a head injury, get hurt, and be waiting for four hours as they try to get out to you. Be a vegetable while you see a helicopter coming. You don't want that in your life. Just go. Just go. Just go. Take the helmet off.

And I was like, I'm wearing the helmet because I have a bald spot. That's why. So I was like, I don't want to look bald. It's my baddest moment ever. Right. When you're all crippled and they're like, Jesus, I didn't know it was that bald. But yeah, he's a gangster. He didn't complain at all.

We all ate 100 milligrams. What's funny is when Maddie said that, Moses Storm was eating a second one thinking there were only 10 milligrams. Did this get off his head? Have you never met Moses? No, no, no. But I mean, what is he doing? If he ate one, stop.

Maddie goes, well, I can't let you go alone. She ate another one. No. Dude, they ate so much marijuana. It was fucking, and we laughed. We laughed so hard. did you ever have any moments of shakiness where you're like i'm too high i'm too high i'm too high so what i do in those moments is i just out drink it so alcohol is driving yeah you can always trust alcohol you're right though

this is this is our cocaine for guys like you and me like a lot of people will do a bump of coke to like you know center themselves i'll do a little bit of whiskey or something and i'll go all right i know where i am again even when i'm even like so like i have i have anxiety and when we did sober october i noticed joe and i both noticed we were texting back and forth a lot that my anxiety would go was gone it was gone entirely and i was like that's fucking crazy and then when i started drinking again and I started very slow, oddly enough, I drank a couple of times. It was my birthday weekend right after sober October. And then I went back on the wagon for like 17 days. And cause I was really, I was finding, I was very happy. And then I went on the road and I was like, I went on the road after I did my special. And I was like,

you're writing new material. It's got to feel like a party. You got to really enjoy it. I can't, can't feel like work. You got to be able to smoke weed to feel like a party. You got to really enjoy it. You can't have fun. Can't feel like work. You got to be able to smoke weed and drink after the show. You got to enjoy yourself. And then that's when we had the hundred milligrams, but this sometimes it writes the boat without even a buzz. Yeah. Like you get to the airport and you're like,

like, I don't feel good, man. That was a long night. I'm tired. I'm feeling sketchy. And then everyone's like, anyone want a bloody Mary? And you're like, yeah, sketchy. And then everyone's like, anyone want a Bloody Mary?

And you're like, yeah, I guess. And then all of a sudden you're like, you can just hear it go. And you're like, oh, okay,

I'm good to get on the bus. I can get on the plane. I don't even need a ton sometimes. Like the other night I had one double Jack on the rocks in the first class. Like I don't drink in the airports anymore. I try not to. And so I had one on the plane and it just went. It just calmed it down and I passed out.

And I sat for the whole flight and I was like, that's what I'm fucking talking about. Because you still got anxiety on flights. Yeah, bad. It's crazy. I wish I could get rid of it. After all these years. Do privates make you feel weirder? Because they're tiny.

Fucking horrible. Are you flying commercial at all anymore? Say no. Yeah, no, I fly commercial. I fly. I have a hard time. So I have a deal. This is going to sound...

I have a deal. Sit with the pinky up before you say that. I have a deal. I have a deal with my business manager that technically, if I fly commercial out, I can fly private home. Because that's the flight home you want. That's the private flight you want.

Sure. Round trip is more expensive or is less expensive if it's a day trip, if you're in and out. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. But on my flight home, I can always fly private. If I want to, usually. I mean, I would never pay to go from fucking Bangor, Maine to LA.

That's insane. That's deep. 85 grand to fly from Alaska to LA. I'm never going to do that. Never going to do that. I'll fly. I'll fly a connecting commercial flight through what you would call into Burbank. It's like so much nicer.

But I can. But I still don't because I have a hard time. I know I can afford to do it on most flights but i have a hard time because i just go but that's like one of my kids tuition like that that that i'll never be that guy that can't see or i could just buy a car when i get home like that that is so fucked up to me so i have a hard time doing it but i have done it i have done it i really uh but how many more years of kids tuition do you really have two more well well technically well two more i guess george is gonna have three more years of college four more years of college she's gonna make it

through i don't think isla's gonna go to college i think we'll invest in a business for her yeah she's not get her you get her something make it dream catchers and fucking Santa Fe. Is that her shit? Is she like that? She is just, she's very artistic and she's very, she's just a different kid. She was never the kid. She's not going to be a doctor. She's not going to be a doctor. She's not going to be a lawyer.

Neither are we. That's what the good thing was. Our parents were like, these guys are going to be something fun. Yeah. She would never be a comedian. She would make a great comedian only because the way her brain thinks is so bizarre. Like Theo? Honestly, yeah.

Like Theo, man, I got to be honest with you. I could do this for days. But I was at ground zero when Theo started becoming Theo. Meaning like when everyone started realizing how funny he was, I was there like, I want to say two years before. It was when we did Reality Bites Back with Amy Schumer. Yeah. And motherfucker, me, Amy Schumer, and Chris Fairbanks, each of us were like, there's something

special about this dude. Special is right. Like the way his brain works is so fucking off center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you couldn't help but go, honestly, is it a bit? In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, do you have unwanted subscriptions? Stuff that you're like, why am I paying for that?

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I like gingers. Like, is it a bit or is it him? Like, you could, like, and then you're like... I think they've blended. I think, yeah. I think he's become, I think he stifled a lot of the of that of his personality earlier in his career earlier in his life but i think now he's who he is who he is i think he's i think he's

brilliant i love that guy i love him to death dude my dad dude my dad we got high and did those we did theisms on the bus shit where i grew, we had two muskrats that fought a squirrel and they got paid $5 to let you watch it. He had a hat made out of tin. That guy was crazy. You know, we got struck by lightning twice. Get out, bro. Fucking my dude, dude, this is crazy, man.

My brother-in-law, and I didn't even have a sister, but this dude I knew next door to me, he used to eat scrap metal for dinner. For real. They'd heat it up. I'm like, yeah, his logic is illogical. That's why it's perfect. Wait, I need some advice from you, by the way.

Shoot. Me and the bobe, me and the little noodle are going to take a bus tour for Bad Friends this year, this of 2023. I love it. Give me the definitely do's and definitely don'ts for the bus. When? When are you doing it? March, April.

March, April is the tour. All of March, all of April. Oh, wow. What are we talking? No shitting on the bus. Okay, so who's coming with you? You bringing the whole crew? No, so it's going to be me, Bob, Juicy Jetski, the comic.

Do you know her? Do you know Jetski Johnson? Yeah, Juicy Jetski Johnson. I just saw her on Instagram today. I'm going to say two things. I saw her name like two months ago and I loved it. I was like, I'm in. I'm in. I don't even know anything about her.

I'm in. Today I saw her do stand up on Instagram and I fucking laughed out loud and I went, fuck, she's good. She's funny. She's got her own style. The cool part about her is her vibe is very unique it's it's her own thing it's extremely organic like it's not put on but so it's going to be her uh two members of our bad print friends production and then um two videographers and one sound guy because we're wanting we want to film the whole

fucking thing yeah yeah so i would do for number one for number one, I would do a crew bus, like all tour bunks, all bunks, don't do a star coach. Do all bunks, all sleep on the bus, all live on the bus. Yeah. It's favored nations in that way. And what will happen is, and this is what I did when we did Fully Loaded. And when we did Hot Summer Nights is when I came up with it is I was like, if you're all living on the bus, then first of all, you save money.

Everyone lives on the bus, you save money. Everyone lives on the bus. You save money. Yeah. And then it becomes very affordable. The second everyone starts getting hotels, and you can get hotels here and there, but the second everyone starts getting hotels, then a bus doesn't even make sense. Just fucking fly. Yeah.

That's my, and by the way, this is the way I do it. Everyone stays in their bunks. Everyone lives on the bus. Every now and then, you can get a crew hotel. You can get, meaning like, we'll get a hotel for the night if you guys need to shower,

clean up. Yeah, that's what I figured we would do. Yeah, but don't, if you get everyone hotels, it's a fucking nightmare and then everyone disappears and you're like, what are we gonna have the bus for?

Why don't we just get a fucking van? Have everyone on the bus. I would be turning out content daily. Do you have an editor on the bus? We're gonna have someone that's doing it there and dumping footage back to LA. So as long Do you have an editor on the bus? We're going to have someone that's doing it there and dumping footage back to LA. So as long as you have someone there who can do promos for the shows that need help, because

that was the game changer on Fully Loaded, is we brought two editors. We brought to piggyback, and they slept during the day, and when we drove, they edited at night all the video we shot. And we increased ticket sales on every venue just because our output, every video we put had every video had at least a million views. And it was all about the next night, where we were going the next night, how much fun we were having in the city before, what we did after the show, all the stuff.

And we were posting it on Instagram, and it drove ticket sales. We set record attendance in every ballpark we did. So that's the key is I look at it from business of like have them working and turning out videos to promote the upcoming shows, live on the bus and are you staying on the bus the whole time or are you flying back in and out? We stay on for the majority of the time.

We take one big break, have to come home and do a bunch of stuff because filming something and then go back out again. Film everything. You're going to have the best time of your life. Yeah, we can't wait. I mean, it's going to be, we already got into a couple of fights already,

which is me and Bobby for sure, but. Bobby's going to be tough. Trust me, I know. He's going to get a hotel every time. Yeah. There's no doubt in my opinion. Well, you got to make sure that like, like Joey, I mean, I'll say this, you know,

I told, when we did Fully Loaded, I said, anyone needs a hotel, I'll get you a hotel. Sure. If you don't want to live on the bus, you don't have to live on the bus. I'll get you a hotel. And there were people that definitely were like, it's not my vibe. Joey would be like, dog. Dave Attell, I'm in a hotel.

He'd get on the bus, drive with us to the next city, but he wanted a hotel for the day. And I totally get it. Not everyone's me where I just want to be in the thick of it all time. Shane Gillis, I want to be in the thick of it all time. Shane Gillis, I want to be in the thick of it. Nikki Glaser, fucking Mark Norman, Big Jay Oakerson, in the thick of it. But, you know, you just respect everyone's boundaries and go, yeah, I get it. And then, God, you're going to have so much fucking fun. Are you getting wrapped?

Well, we were thinking about it, but then I said. Stop, stop, stop, stop. My only worry is. Stop, stop, stop. People are going to see your fucking shit. Aren't they going to come up to you and bug the bus? They don't come up to the bus. It's just fans, and it's not a pain in the ass. What you'll notice is like, it's made out to be worse than it is.

What'll happen is you'll notice, it'll be cool moments. I remember this dude one time, we were in Knoxville, and we're sitting in the bus. We're all bullshitting. It's like four o'clock, And I see this dude out with his, uh, daughter and his wife. And he's out standing outside my bus with his shirt off, getting a picture.

So I go, fuck it. So I sneak around the corner. I have my shirt off and I go, Hey man, no pictures by the bus. And he's like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so. And then his eyes light up. He loses his shit. And then his daughter starts crying and she goes, he loves you. You, we can't make it to the show tonight. We have,

we have to go to a prior engagement. But this, he made us drive all the way in here just to get. Those moments are fucking worth it. Yeah. And the fact that it's promotion. When you drive into the city. People see it. People see it and they're going to sell tickets for shows.

You will get people after the shows knocking on the door. You say no. You say, oh man, this is my home. You can't come into my home. But it's I would rap it, and I would make the rap so obnoxiously loud that it's a joke. Don't try to be cool. Make it obnoxiously loud. Yeah, ours is.

Our faces. Oh, and fucking rap it with Bobby half naked laying all the way down the bus. I'm telling you because what will happen is bus drivers will take pictures. Everyone will take pictures of that bus. Yeah, that's true. And then all their friends, they'll post it to social media. Look at these lunatics driving next to me.

And it all sells tickets. I mean, there's a method to the madness and then there's straight madness. I believe in the madness also. But like, I would definitely wrap it. All right, we're going to fucking wrap it. And we have pictures of him and I in lingerie. I would wrap it and then I would sell the

back, back, back part to someone's podcast. To somebody else's podcast? Yeah, I did it. I did it for my wife and Rogan mocked me forever.

Wait, you put her podcast? My whole wrap's on the thing on the back where all the smut comes. I put wife of the party.

So funny. Is it her face? It's her face. It's on the butt of our bus. She's the butt of your bus. Yeah, yeah,. It's on the butt of our bus. She's the butt of your bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the butt of your joke.

Oh, you're going to have so much fun. I can't wait. You're going to have a blast, man. Oh, I'm fucking jealous. Well, I mean, you live this life. This is your whole fucking thing. You're never not on tour, right? I mean, how did you even find time to go do that fucking movie?

Well, it was during the quarantine. Oh, that's right. Yeah. The question is the next one. That's the tough fucking cell machine two no we'll know the next the next movie i do is like trying to carve out time when i mean you know i mean you know more than probably anyone what a movie pays versus what the road pays yeah it's not even it's not it doesn't pay is what the answer is it doesn't pay and it almost makes it to the point where like if you said it to your dad, he'd be like, why do you do it?

Why would you do a movie? Well, yeah, it's hard to describe. It's because you're like – it's Bobby and I still have that – Bobby still has that old Hollywood thing where it's like he just wants to do stuff. And I just – I always liked making shit, TV and film. Yeah. Well, you're really good at it. Grazie. Like you are legit so good on camera that I go, yeah, well, yeah, that makes sense.

You have an opportunity to be a huge movie star. For the majority of us, for the majority of us, it's just tarpon fishing. Yeah. It's like you can't eat the tarpon. You just land it and then put it back in the water, maybe get a picture with it. Like you're going like legit, you're going legit tuna fishing every time you go out. You're like, oh shit, let's cut it up on the boat with some sashimi. I'm banging out analogies right now.

I know, I like it so much. Which by the way, you're a big Florida guy, you're a boat guy. Nothing like catching fresh fish, cutting that bitch up on the boat. Eating it right there, I got the fucking hiccups. It wasn't, we didn't do that in Florida. You never did that shit? Why? We couldn't in Florida. There are fish you can't just cut up and eat.

Really? You're not doing that with Spanish mackerel. What's wrong with mackerel? It's just a shit fish. It's like a shit fish. It's a shit fish. You're not doing it

with barracuda. I mean, most of the shit you can catch. Swordfish. Swordfish. I don't think you can catch swordfish in Tampa.

Really? Yeah. Definitely not swordfish. Yeah, swordfish, no. I don't know where swordfish, where do they live? Swordfish are in, I think they're in Hawaii

and they do bait runs where you can get in the water with them and they swim around the bait fast as fucking shit. I see that. But like, that's where you can do that

is Hawaii. Where you can do that, you can't, a note to the listener, you definitely can't do that with salmon. Don't ever think you can catch a salmon and cut it up on your fucking boat and eat it. There are worms in salmon, and you have to freeze that.

You have to flash freeze it first and then let it thaw to kill those worms to eat it. Don't ever eat salmon raw. That is my, if you take one thing away from this. Because you've done it. No, I had a friend do it. And bad news bears. Very sick for a very long time. And Rogan, the worst one is Rogan had it on Rogan's podcast.

Steve Rinella was talking about a guy who, they were all camping and the guy caught a salmon. And everyone else caught trout, so they were cooking it by the fireplace. So he catches a salmon, right? Flays it up. Butter, lemon, pepper. Puts it in the fucking wrap. Puts up by the fireplace. So he catches a salmon right plays it up butter Lemon pepper puts it in the in the fucking wrap puts it over the thing starts eating it and as he's eating it He's like what the fuck and it's worms crawling all out of it And he said he just tried to throw up He's just killed like a bunch of whiskey and just to kill the fucking worms and throw up and it still made him sick as fucking

Shit, don't every salmon but fucking shit. Don't ever eat salmon. But fucking tuna. I did it with... Tuna straight. I did it with tuna. I did it with... I might have done it. Actually, I did it with something in Costa Rica,

but it's the coolest thing in the world. I remember hearing about it for the first time the same way I heard about playing with a girl's tits, and I was like, I would love to do that. I was in seventh grade, and I was like, well, you can play with her tits? And they were like, that would love to do that. I was in seventh grade and I was like, well, you can play with her tits? And they were like,

that's part of the thing. Name the girl in sixth or seventh grade who had the biggest tits. First name. I don't have to have her last name. Julie. Natalie. Oh.

Everybody, dude, it was insane. It's like fifth grade when we got to junior high, the moment we all got there, everybody was like, what the fuck happened? What happened this summer? My buddy John was dating her.

And I remember thinking, he may be the, the way you look at a millionaire and go, God, man, that would be nice. That'd be so cool. I wouldn't mind being a millionaire. That'd be cool. And then you're like, I would love to play with tits. I would love to play with her tits. And I was like, I could never get those tits. Those tits will never be mine. It's better than me. Yeah. And now you're a millionaire and you get to play with tits. I would love to play with her tits. And I was like, I could never get those tits. Those tits will never be mine.

It's better than me. Yeah. And now you're a millionaire and you get to play with tits. And my wife has the best tits. She does. She has the best. There's a picture right here. Put right here the picture right here. Please. Someone please Photoshop it and just I can describe my wife's tits. My wife's got Selma

Hayek's tits. That's good. That's great. When I saw Teardro that's great when i saw teardroppy vanilla yeah a little teardroppy but when i saw vanilla sky and she got naked i went those are her tits i actually got your tits are on tv i got a lap dance from a girl that had my wife's tits the other day and i was with i was with all the people i work with maybe this is a bad story to tell we were at the Alaskan Bush Company. And this girl came by and I said to one of my buddies, I go, she has Leanne's tits. Those are Leanne's tits.

And he was like, oh, three-way lap dance. So we got fucking three strippers and all got lap dances from them. And I was like, keep staying over here. You got my wife's tits. She's like, I'm Crystal. You're Leanne. You should have been like, I want a picture of your tits to send to my wife. I forget her name. Do you want some more?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheila. Her name was Sheila. Nope. Her dad was in the military. I learned a lot about the strippers. How do you know so much about these women? I listen.

I talk. I'm not like a- See, I don't love strip clubs. I love them. See, you know what's so funny? I like if I can smoke a cigar and hang with people. I like if it's a crew, right? Yeah.

I don't go by myself. No, no, but you know what I mean? Sometimes a couple- I have gone by myself. Yes, we have. When I don't go by myself. No, no. But you know what I mean? Sometimes a couple of times. I have gone by myself. When I was younger. We all have. When I was younger, I would go by myself in umbros and be like, just try to take my pants off with your butt.

I just think it's like one of those things where it's got to be a big crew. I mean, I'm saying it's got to be like a party for me. It can't be like if it's me and one or two other dudes. I'm like, I want it to be a lot of people. So it's like part of the show do you know what I mean we're all doing the thing they brought me on stage uh I I took my shirt there was a you didn't take your shirt off of course I did I ruined strip clubs now I've ruined strip clubs for a long time because I was there was two two two parts of my career when I was on

Perth Conqueror the the television roller coaster thing. Yeah. All the strippers' kids watched it. Me and Brett Ernst went to a strip club and they were like, oh. My son loves you. Do you mind if I get a picture? And I was like, sure, I don't mind. Because I definitely wasn't taking pictures with people at the time.

And then they'd put on all their clothes and go outside and take a picture. And Brett goes, you're the fucking worst. Everyone's putting their fucking clothes on to take a picture with you. And then this last one, they didn't even put their clothes and go outside and take a picture. And Brett goes, you're the fucking worst. Everyone's putting their fucking clothes on to take a picture with you. And then this last one, they didn't even put their clothes on. I got a bunch of pictures of strippers and they're like, it was, by the way, for the record, pictures in strip clubs are, you can do that now, apparently. That's a thing? No one gives a fuck.

I have not gone to a strip club where someone didn't take a picture with me in a while. It's been, yeah. That's great i thought i every time i've ever been i always think they make such a fucking big deal about phones no sometimes they would come filming the girls well yeah yeah yeah but like they would and and i'm assuming taking pictures of but i've never had a problem they've always people have always taken pictures i mean i'm just didn't know what to do with it my cousin uh for a while was running the gambit uh working in strip clubs

and he would always, whenever I went to Vegas, he'd be like, come, come, you know, come hang out. Yeah. It's so funny to be that side of...

Wait, is it a boy or a girl? It's a dude. He's a DJ. Okay. But like, it's so funny to be on that side. Like, that would be weird to see your cousin naked.

Oh, yeah. Like, oh, no, no, you look good. I mean, technically, my wife's like, yeah, you're good i mean technically you're my wife said yeah you're kim but you ain't blood go ahead go home go ahead go home i'm on back it's funny to see it from that side because i see him go and he djs and it's like it's just wild to be inside baseball because then the girls treat you like they would if they met you out at a coffee shop

yeah and it's so funny because i'm not it's like i have that angle in but also i'll go there later and then if they don't know that that's my cousin they think i'm a they treat you like a customer do you know what i mean like no yeah play both sides of the ball it's kind of fucking wild to watch and how they treat you differently it's so interesting and then the shit that they'll tell you about which customers because they'll all be candid i'd be like well you know like who are you fishing for she's like oh we're both picking on this guy right here. And they know exactly what they can get out of it. Dude, they are fucking snipers.

Those girls, the veterans in that game, they know exactly what they can get out of certain guys. It's impressive as shit. There was a hot Puerto Rican one in Vegas that, man, as a pro, like I grew up in Florida, so strip clubs are different for us in Florida yeah and that we ended every night at a strip club like meaning girls and guys like West Palm if you went out West Palm everyone ended up at uh uh there's a strip club there that we'd all just go to yeah and everyone went there the girls and it was party and you get lap dances but like

chicks would get lap dances with you it wasn't't like a big deal. And in Tampa, that's the strip club capital of the world. I mean, the second you turned 18, that's what you did. Before you were 18, you had fake IDs to go to strip clubs. They never checked. And so like as a pro of a strip club, I got taken for so much money. What's the most you've ever dropped at a titty bar? Well, that's not fair. Well, the most I've ever dropped where it mattered was...

Yeah, before you got money. $1,500. That's a fuckload. Before you have money, that's a shitload of money. It was 1999 in New York at Scores. Scores. I was just going to say it had to have been Scores. And I had money.

I had some money from like TV. Maybe it was 2000, probably 2000. I had money from TV, but not a lot. And we went to a strip club and Chris Rock had just, someone had just done a champagne room joke, right? There's nothing happening. I think it's, I think, yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, I was like, I want to, I've never even heard of a champagne. They didn't have that in Florida because in Florida, literally it was like fucking no holds barred. It was like, there was no champagne room. They just, there was lap dances. It was full touch. It was full nudity. It was like there was no champagne room. There was lap dances. It was full touch. It was full nudity.

It was full alcohol. It was everything. Everything is a champagne room. Everything was a champagne room. And then when you go there, you're like, oh, so I just want what happens in Florida in the champagne room. And man, the time just got away from me. And nothing happened. I didn't fuck her.

I didn't cum in my pants. I didn't fucking play with her tits. It was just a different room where you just paid tons of money. And I just were talking. And then all of a sudden the bill came. And I was like, I remember being like, do you take credit card? And my buddies had gotten in there. And I was like, I got everyone.

It was just a fucking nightmare. But even like we went in Vegas. But even like we went in Vegas and the thing I like to do in a strip club, especially like I went with a big TV guy, big TV guy. I won't say the city or the TV guy's name, but I went with the big TV guy's son. Tyler Perry's kid. Go ahead. Tyler Perry's kid and I were in Louisiana. And he said, hey, man, my son's coming to your show.

Can you keep an eye out for him? And I said, yeah. If it's okay, can you bring him backstage? I go, I'll tell you what, if you're cool with it, I'll take him out. We'll party. And he was like, he will fucking love it. It's the only reason I know this guy is because his son's a fan. He told his dad, yo, you got to do a show with this guy. His dad's a pretty big dude. And so I saw, I take him out. So I take him out and it was a gangster move. And I liked, this is what I usually do in a strip club. Went over to the manager, and I said, here's $1,000. Can you have girls just keep everyone company over there? I don't need lap dances.

Just let everyone make sure, as many girls as that takes care of for the evening, for the next five songs, ten songs, have them keep company. If it's like, just make sure those guys are all in college, make sure they feel like they're studs. Yeah. If it's like, you know, just make sure those guys are all in college, make sure they feel like they're studs. Yeah. And he's like, gotcha. So I give him $1,000, and they stayed the whole night. These girls were fucking awesome.

They were beautiful. And they were like, do you want a lap dance? I'm like, I'm good. If anyone wants a lap dance, they can pay for it themselves. But, like, just stay around. And we drank. We had a good time. And that's my normal move.

That's Uncle Bert. That's being Uncle Bert. I do that every time. I like to go up, Mark Norman's bachelor party. I was just going up. I'd's my normal move. That's uncle Bert. That's why I do that every time I like to go up, uh, eat Mark, Mark Norman's bachelor party. I was just going up.

I give people a hundred bucks. We were good boys. We didn't do anything wrong. I give people, I give a stripper a hundred bucks. I go, uh, give him four dances and she'd be like done.

And then just go grab them. Cause that's the way you want to get a lap dance. Someone pays for it. Sure. And then you're like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,

Whoa. Okay. Okay. Okay. He did it. And so that was happening at Alaska Bush company is I was just doing it for everyone. I'd go, my cameraman, I did it for Pete. I did it for everyone.

I just go up to a stripper. Here's a hundred bucks. Grab one of the guys. Have you, nothing for you though? No, I do a lap dance every now and then. You do? Yeah. Yeah.

Like it's gotta be fun for me. Like, cause I'm not, uh, because usually I'm doing it with a big group you know so you you got to have like a little bit of like a little bit of decor about you yeah so like i'll tell you perfect this is a perfect lap dance this is maybe my favorite lap dance ever we're at uh i think it's i think it's uh christie's in uh in fort wayne indiana i mean fort wayne. I mean, I want to give the name a proper shout out because it was so cool. It was in Fort Wayne? Fort Wayne, Indiana.

I'm going to look it up while you say it. Hey, oh, he wasn't with us. I know. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, you know what I'm not a fan of? I'm not a fan of stiff dress shirts. I hate that. Sometimes when I go back to my dad's house, I ruffle through his closet,

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It's just I have such a fun time at those places because everyone's inhibitions are gone. Yeah, yeah. The second you walk in, everyone's inhibitions are gone. You're like, fuck it. We're having a good time. And usually what will happen is they'll hit us up at the show and be like, yo, if you guys want to come through, this will come through in a second. This is my favorite one. Manager and some girls come to the show.

They come to do the meet and greet. This is back when I did meet and greets and you do raffle tickets for meet and greets. And they're like, yo, we have a great strip club. Why don't you guys come through? And it was the last night of our tour and we were driving home. And so I was like, you guys, fuck it. And it started snowing. I was like, do you guys want to just go to a strip club?

And they're like, yeah. So we go there, and I do the same thing. I throw money around. I make sure that all the girls are paid and all the guys are getting dances and make it rain a couple times on stage. Have fun. It's minimal money. It's minimal money to have a really great time for everyone

for everyone yeah so then i'm talking to the manager and a girl comes by and it's snowing so she's in full fucking winter gear and she goes holy shit you're burke reicher and i went yeah she goes i was supposed to go see you tonight but i had to fucking work and i was like oh i'll be back i'm sure, again soon. And she goes, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wish I'd known you were coming here. I wouldn't have cut early.

I would love to have given you a lap dance. And I said, actually. Good news. Good news is I have a joke about this that I've been working on that's never worked. Because my problem with strip clubs is that they're already almost naked. But that's not reality. So, like, if you're going to find fantasy and tap into my reality, I want you to get totally naked. I want you to have a ski hat on, some boots, a belt.

I want to see the imprint of the belt in your stomach the way you do with a real woman. Like, those are the seconds. I'm waiting for this. Here's the name of the strip club. But, yeah, go ahead. No, it wasn't the Bush Factory. So, I said, so I it wasn't the Bush Factory.

So I said, so I'll give you a lap dance. It was a lap dance for 20 bucks. I'll give you a lap dance. I'd like one right now, but I want to see you take off your winter coat. And she was like, are you being serious? And I was like, yeah, but I had a bit about it. So I would like, maybe the bits are off. Maybe it's not sexy.

Maybe it's not. So we did it right by the door. It wasn't, I mean, it wasn't like anywhere. It wasn't even like anywhere intimate. It was right by the door. And she starts giving me a lap dance and she has a hard time dancing in her coat. Like she's just like, she's like, I got to take this off. But the second she said, I got to take this off. You saw the she said, I got to take this off, you saw the person.

You didn't see the stripper. You saw the person. Right. And I was like, whoa, that's really. Like when you see like a person being a person, then that's actually where you fall in love. And I go, that's the fantasy. Not the, do you want to suck these titties? That's not real.

That's not real. That's not a real fucking thing. Nobody says that. And by the way, don't suck their titties. Everyone sucks their titties. You're going to get a cold. Don't suck their titties. You're going to get a cold.

So she takes off her coat. She's like, hold on. Let me find a place for this. All regular things that a woman would say. And I was like, oh my God, this is like crazy. So then she's like dancing. And then she goes, let me take my shoes off. It's like she's talking to me.

And she's like, hold on. Give me a second. And she like bends over, does her shoes shoes and then she's dancing again and then she goes to take her shirt off and she goes oh shit my bra doesn't match my panties and I went this is the hottest thing I've ever fucking seen and we were laughing so hard that she

sat down for the rest of the song and we just drank and she was like I can't fucking do this I can't fucking do this this is way too vulnerable and I go that's the thing that's the fucking thing that's the it's you know someone told me that guys only go to a strip club to to tell hot girls no right because they never get to their whole life but that was so much better was like it was almost like saying hey can i go connect with a person for a little bit right because we laughed so hard and then the other lap dance i got there that night i go to by the way i

won't sit now i definitely won't say the name of the strip club. But I go over to the corner and then this girl, beautiful girl goes, this one's on the house. And I was like, what? And they go, it's from the management. Thanks for bringing everyone here. Because we also say at the thing, we'll be at the strip club. Yeah.

So it's fucking loaded. And I was like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah, sure. I got a lap dance. So what are the parameters? What are the rules? I just don't want to know. I want to know what's, and she goes, oh, you're famous. There's no rules for you. I was like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah, sure. I got a lap dance. So what are the parameters? What are the rules? I just don't want to know. I want to know what's. And she goes, oh, you're famous.

There's no rules for you. I was like, what? Jesus. She goes, yeah, you're famous. You can do whatever you want. And I was like, okay. And so I fucking FaceTime my buddy Cowhead in Tampa. She says, what are you doing?

I go, I'm FaceTiming my buddy. I'm just going to let him watch. She was like, wait, you can't do that. And I went, hold on. You said there was no rules. She was like, all right. And so he's like, hello. And I go, hold on, you said there was no rules. She was like, all right. And so he's like, hello. And I go, cowhead, I'm getting a lap dance.

I thought you'd enjoy this. She's like, why don't you just suck my tits instead? He's laying in his bed going like, huh? But I think that's the fun of it. Like my wife's totally cool with strip clubs, does not give a fuck. Because the whole thing is like. Because it's fake. I'm not, yeah, I'm not going there to replace her.

Well, you're also not going out on a date. You're not doing anything that's intimate. It's... You ever go to those plays, the interactive plays, like Sleep No More? Do you know what Sleep No More is? No, I don't know. But you mean like the dinner theaters

where like someone's murdered somebody. Yeah, and you walk through an entire... Yeah, I've done that. Like you're not seated. Dude, Sleep No More makes one of the best. There's one called drowned man that i went to in london and it was wild because they were like are you guys comfortable with um touching the actors may touch you they may bring you into separate rooms and like obviously everything is everything everything is pg-13 but they're just letting you know and you say yes you sign a waiver and all this shit this woman

pulled me into a room lifted up my mask because you all wear masks kissed me and then closed the mask and then pushed me backwards through this thing into this other room it was the hottest coolest shit on earth and my wife was like what happened and i was like do you want to know and she's like yeah i'm like she lifted up my mask and kissed me and threw me in this other room and she's like fuck i want that and then i want that. And then you're like, I'm the hunt. And you're like, you're making out with everyone in the castle. It was just so fucking, but it's like, it's like, it's all entertainment. None of it's like, you're not taking this home with you.

It's just a moment in time. And it's as, it's as fucking minimalistic as it's, you know, a small peck on the lips is like nothing. But strip clubs like that are to me in the same way. It's a joke. It's all a big, we're all in on the play. Well, there's something to be said for the, for the, like, what was the, there was a live experience that they had in Vegas where I fucking wish I remember the name of this, where they were all on bungee cords coming from the ceiling and they would punch through the, there was a paper ceiling.

It started off, you sat in a room, everyone's in a room and it's a paper ceiling. And then all of a sudden music starts playing, light starts going on. You don't know what's going on. No one tells you anything about this. LaGuardia, I think it was like LaGuardia or something. And then all of a sudden someone

jumps through they're on a bungee cord from the ceiling they jump down they grab someone in the audience and they take them off into the fucking things and you're like what the fuck it was the coolest thing I've ever seen in the whole time they're running on the walls they're jumping from the ceiling they're all on bungee cords and they're i remember he grabbed someone from the fucking audience and lifted him out of the room and i went it was fucking insane but you're right there's something very primal it turns it into like hold on what is this like that's what i i gotta be honest with you i that like i remember feeling that when i first saw stand-up and you watched brilliant crowd work. Yeah.

And you were like, dude, this guy's just fucking talking? Like, how does, how do you get your, I remember the first time I saw it, seeing Chappelle and going like, how does he get his brain to do that? Yeah. But it's, you're right. I wish I could add that into my fucking act. You may. What about, by the way, speaking of Chappelle, have you seen Ingram, one of our good buddies,

comedy star Rick Ingram, open for those guys? He's opening for Chappelle. He does crowd work the whole time, and they follow him with a camera so the audience can see who they're talking to. Yeah, it's like super. I mean, I don't know if they're doing it at every venue, but from what I know, I just was texting with Rick,

and he basically, like, his the crux of what Rick Ingram does if you don't know who that is look him the fuck up he's incredible he's fucking brilliant he's one of the fastest sharpest

and also well formatted live joke writers like he's doing crowd work but he's also formulating the jokes as he goes and they'll have a camera where they show

who he's speaking to so there's relevance because dude in the venues you play same as those guys people can't fucking see who you're talking to that's it's impossible when you're like look at this fucking guy 16 000 people are like what where i mean i would say this i'll say there's a couple people rick ingram in bag there's a couple people that when they do crowd

work it's it's not bullshit crowd like if i do crowd work if you see me do crowd work it's bullshit crowd work it's me asking you a question i have a joke for right it's not real crowd work it's a setup setup yeah yeah i'm setting you up to set me up hey man do you eat pussy oh i do too i like to go let me tell you my favorite thing about eating pussy and then off into the bit yeah it's uh but like i get excited for rick ingram because it sounds silly that that like i was like i, yeah, one of the good guys won. Does that make sense? Yeah, because he's been at it for a long time.

And then you see him on these things. I saw him in a picture in a suit on stage with all those guys and I think a billy goat or something. Yeah. And I was like, shut the fuck – like finally someone's recognizing like those guys. I mean those guys because sometimes you'll see them pick guys and you're like, oh, they're all their friends or whatever. But then when you see that, you're like, oh, they saw him perform and they were like, that guy's fucking brilliant. I think Rock – I think the story goes that Rock saw him a few times at the store and was like, this motherfucker is – what a great, unique act. Like you bring out – I mean props to you seriously because you bring out so many fucking people on the road with you,

like talented people that you give platforms to and show off. So that's because that's, I think some guys, look, and it's not no criticism against people that don't bring out anybody, but it's huge, man. Like, it's supporting the game, the community, the thing. Well, I was the opposite for a long time, you know that. You never brought people out. Never brought anyone out because I thought the job,

our job was to foster local talent. So I was like know that's beneficial too it is but it's such a fucking shit show yeah you never know what you're gonna get and you're walking well never gonna know what you're gonna get and you're walking into a scenario where usually you're walking into a fucked up comedy scene yeah where everyone's fighting for the weekend with you and so all of a sudden there's this bunch of this infighting where everyone's talking shit and then there's drama and then you're in the bar at the end of the night and comics are fucking fighting and they're yelling and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want this in my life.

Fuck the drama. And then sometimes you walk in and they're fucking cunts and they're like trying to blow you off stage and they're doing all local material and you're like sitting there going, hold on. Like what? Am I the asshole? You're going long, you're selling merch in the middle of your fucking feature set.

Buy a shirt in the middle of Bert's show. Go to the lobby. Buy a shirt. Come back. And then there's the sweet spots where like I met Dave Williamson in Miami. I met Shane Torres. I met Shane Gillis in Philadelphia. I met Shane Torres in Portland.

I met Jesus Tre in Portland. I met Jesus Trejo out in Oxnard. So sometimes when you foster local talent, you find the dudes that are your ride or die. Steve Fury I met out in Oxnard, and you're just like, oh, these guys got really great comic insights. And you're like, oh, yeah, please come out on the road with me. If I can bring

someone, they can... And then you get some fucking total cunts. Dude. The biggest cunt move is when the fucking – the guy calls the club and he's like, hey, I usually open for Bert and I'm going to be in town. Is it cool if I host for him? And then you're like – and then they're like, oh, sure.

And then the club calls you and they're like, hey, man, we got da-da-da-da to open for you. And you're like, oh, cool. I know that guy. And then you don't realize he's working your weekends. And then you're like, oh, you're opening for me a lot. He's like, oh, I mean the club requested me. You're like, oh, cool. I know that guy. And then you don't realize he's working your weekends. And then you're like, guy, you're opening for me a lot. He's like, oh, I mean, the club requested me. You're like, oh. I don't like when they play each other behind each other's back.

They go, he said he already reached out to you. That stuff fucking through. It's the same guy. It's the same guy. It's the same fucking guy. By the way, speaking of dickhead, and I don't remember his fucking name, and I wish I did because I'd call him out. But when I did a weekend before, I deserved it in Ybor City in Tampa Improv.

I know his name. I know his name. I know his name. This dude who was there. Dude, look, I was a young comic. I know his name. I was a young comic. I was fucking wet behind the ears. And, dude, look, when you first start doing those rooms,

you're so nervous and whatever, blah, blah, blah. And I'm not kidding when I say this. I couldn't. This sounds fake. As he's doing his local bullshit and as he brings me on stage i am not kidding he shook my fucking hand and then he goes follow that and i was like what the fuck like i it didn't even shake you want me to say his name sure if you want to go ahead i feel bad i mean i it's up to you if you want i i don't remember his fucking name i know you know who he's talking anyway that fucking cocksucker it enraged me i still had a great set but i thought what a fucking cunt what a dickhead move to try to get in my head as i go on stage because

he looked at me like you're just some asshole from LA who can't fucking do an hour and of course even though I was a young comic had a great fucking set ripped did well yeah oh that killed me dude that irked me yeah that's and I had to be alone that's the problem I couldn't bring anybody so it's me and this dickhead he doesn't talk to me after the show so I'm saying you know

that this business used to be littered with those people and I'll give you a story I'll give you a story. I'll let you feel better about that story. Yeah. That same guy worked with me one weekend. And he said to me, he said, and I worked with him. I got put with him so much that I became friends with him. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah. And he's actually a really good guy. He really is a good guy. It's just he couldn't get past the fact that we were being brought in. Right. And he was there. Why wouldn't he do it in the weekend? And he came up to me and he said's just he couldn't get past the fact that we were being brought in and he was there. Why wouldn't he do it in the weekend? And he came up to me and he said, I just don't get it. I don't understand why I'm not furthering the business.

And I said, I'll tell you why. Instead of coming in and fostering friendships with all of us, you combated with all of us. Yeah. And now none of us want to help you. Yeah. None of us want to work with you because you make it difficult. And I'm at a place now where I go, you're not,

cause when you're young and you go in and it's intimidating, they crush and it's all local shit. And you're like, and then I go, you could have just been really fucking cool. You still were going to work. You could have bombed and you're, you're an alcoholic and they still work you.

And, and, and you could have been cool. And then you could work with all of us. And he was like, for real? And I was like, yeah. It happens for people. It happens for people.

I'm trying to think of a... I mean, think of the names I just said. Dave Williamson, I met him in Miami and he's funny as fuck. He could have just fucking done all local Miami shit, put the gas on and buried me. And he didn't. He was like, hey, you want to get lunch tomorrow? And you're like, yeah.

And he's like, oh, I know a great place. You know what they've done here? I'll pick you up. And you're like, oh, cool. And then all of a sudden you make friendships for life. Shane Torres, to this day, I remember working with him and he was like, you're friends with Segura, right? And I was like, yeah.

And he goes, can I tell you my favorite Segura joke? And I was like, please. And this is, by the way you my favorite Segura joke? And I was like, please. And this is, by the way, when Segura and I were not headlining. We were barely headlining. Right. And he told me a Segura joke, and I fucking laughed. And then I was like. You had a Segura joke?

Yeah. Yeah. Segura's joke was, and keep this in. He goes, it was when Segura was doing crowd work with a girl who was dating a black guy. And he said, where are you from? And he goes, Manchester. He goes, no, I'm in a real black guy. The kind that grabs his dick and licks his lips.

And I thought I laughed so fucking hard. I laughed so hard. It's so Tommy. Yeah, it's very Tommy. Because he grew up in South Florida. Yeah. And he played fucking football. So he grew up in South Florida. Yeah. So like he, and he played fucking football. So he only grew up with like that black dude.

So when he talks to like the guy that does F1, that's not the one he's talking about. Yeah, yeah. And so Shane and I became friends. Shane's like, you want to go to Strip Club after this? We went to the one in Portland. There was one right down the street, the Fairmont Lounge. Fairmont Lounge, yeah. And we went down there and we hung out.

I think Amy Schumer came down there, met up with us. She had Mark Norman with us. Mark Norman went back to my hotel room, cool as fuck. Yeah. Meet Mark Norman, become friends with him. Shane Gillis, when I went and did Philly, this is when I used to do the Call and Stick to Work show, and I was like, I came in, I was like,

I've been drinking on stage. Let's start on radio. We used to do shows, further you don't know, I've been drinking on stage. Let's start on radio. We used to do shows, for those of you who don't know, I'd go and do radio. I'd drink on radio. Courtney Love was there that morning. And I got fucking wasted on radio. Then I went right to the club. And I'd start drinking at the club.

Everyone would show up at like 10 in the morning, start drinking. And then the show would happen at like 11, 30 noon. And I got there at 10. I was like, to say to Shane, I was like, let's start drinking. Now listen, Shane could have very easily easily everyone knows how funny he is now but he could have very easily been like nah i think i'll just blow you off stage but instead he was like fuck it and we got wasted and he was like i bombed my ass off like and he didn't give a fuck about that show he gave a fuck about the meeting. He gave a fuck about meeting the headliner and hanging out with the headliner.

We partied all fucking day and we're friends to this day. I mean, those are the guys that fucking make... Do you think Rogan remembers anyone that tried to blow him off stage? No. It was the guys like us who just went up and did what we did

and we kind of fucking floundered at times or we did good and he didn't give a fuck. He was like, you're a good guy. Those guys never... They never got it. and thank god i was never one of those well you cared more about happy because you cared more about having fun and making the world of performing fun because when you do when you do that someone said that the other night when it becomes too much of a job when it's too much of a job you're not's too much of a job, you're not doing comedy anymore. When it's just a job, when it's just a job, when it's like this is a gig, it's like, well, then it's not comedy.

Then it's like saying you're a machinist. It's like, well, don't you want to – this is – like I used to say this to my old man a lot. My dad used to travel out here because his second job, the second half of his career because the first one he got fucked. He got fired. It was insane. Second job, the second half of his career, because the first one he got fucked, he got fired. It was insane. And he took this other gig and they were based here in Newberry Park, which is like way West Valley.

And he would come in and I'd be like, hey, let's meet the fuck up. You're in Chicago. I never see, you know, like when you come out here and he'd be nervous because he's like, I'm pulling all nighters with these fucking guys and they're making me work late and blah, blah, blah. And I was always like, this is your life too like that was a big thing for us to have to for him to reconcile i was like dad this is your life like i'm your son i live here yeah sometimes fuck the thing sometimes fuck it let's so of course he was like yeah yeah all right where where are you and i was like meet me at morton's there was a morton's in in like westlake village or something like that yeah i go don't drive because he had a company car i said meet me at fucking morton's i uber out to fucking morton's way out in westlake he ubers

there from his little his little and we sat by the girl who plays piano at mastro sorry mastros i know that one yeah yeah and we sat by the girl to play piano at mastro sorry mastros master i know that one yeah yeah and we sat by the girl to play the piano and we got fucking ripped he didn't even need a steak because he was drunk singing with the girl and of course he's like she's the most beautiful singer i've ever seen i'm like dad this is like my dad's strip club mastros the singer's like his titty bar he's like i'll take her home i'm like you're fine dude just chill out he was singing with her and he i mean i swear to god he might have put 300 400 bucks in her fucking tip jar because he was like she's the most talented singer i've ever seen i'm like dude i've done that so many times you're like i've hired bands to open for me i'll be like you're

like amazing but that was it i was like dude this is your life that's why i we like when i go my boy that you're talking about your version is chris o'connor and i became and him and shane are really good friends both you know philly together and chris and i met on the road in indianapolis and dude it sparked i mean he's i would say he's probably my best friend in comedy now and we met like that on the road he was cool as fuck yeah and i was like you want to go to st elmo's and you know go to steak and then he was like fuck yeah and i was like you want to go out fuck yeah end of the night ended in a weird way we we went to a couple bars we're with a local cop who i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say his name but we ended up going out and then they blacked out so hard they took my uber home

and i got a bill the next day for him and his buddy puking in my fucking uber i got a cleaning fee i immediately texted i was like hey man what the fuck happened did you fuck your buddy in my uber he was like oh bro i'm so sorry we threw up all over the fucking uber i mean because they were pounded them and i was like it's fine dude just venmo me the fucking 500 cleaning oh my god dude it's 250 of 250 per person they both threw up in this thing no i was like no no it should be more it should be more yeah it should be it should be more it should actually puking in an uber should cost you a thousand dollars it's disgusting that's somebody's car puke on puke on no no no you gotta be careful though because if you're a young comic like i worked with one dude,

I worked with one dude, I hope he hears this and I hope, I don't know, I don't remember his name. Okay. I worked with him in Madison, Wisconsin

and- Comedy on State. Yeah, and he was fucking hilarious. He was so fucking funny. So talented. Yeah. I want to tell you

one of his jokes but I don't only because then everyone will find that guy and go, yo, bro, they're talking about you. But it was really great writing. Really great writing. Really great personality. Big drinker.

Big partier. And we went out in the afternoon. We went and took a walk and we found a cigar bar. And I was like, hey, let's go have a cigar. And he was like, okay. So we sit down and have a cigar and they're like, you guys want a whiskey? And I was like, I wouldn't mind a whiskey with a cigar. Now,

I don't ever drink, I mean, I'm trying to lose my absolutes. I don't normally drink before a show. I don't like to get drunk and then go on stage.

Same, same. But I will have, like if we're in New Orleans, I'll go out and get a little lit in the afternoon, early afternoon

and then take a nap and do the show that night. Yeah, everybody does it. And in this scenario, I like this kid. I thought he was really talented. We had a cigar.

We had a whiskey. They came around. We had a second whiskey. That's the best one. Yeah. When it starts getting a little warm in your face and you're like, okay. You're moving different.

Yeah. And then I was like, I think I'm going to head out. I want to take a nap because I do want to work out before the show. He was like, I'm going to have one more whiskey and then I'm going to fucking bounce. I was like, cool. And we get to the Madisonville State and he just never showed up.

What the fuck? He just bailed? He got hammered and fucking. By the way, I've had a couple. That's happened to a couple people. They just got too fucked up? Yeah. Yeah.

And I just was like, because I think sometimes you can get i i have a i have a theory that you can get lost in the branding of me that like sometimes you go oh it's bert he won't care he's yeah or like he's doing the same thing not realizing that like it's not an accident that i'm uh that i'm working like i'm definitely busting my ass and i i have rules that i follow that i don't like to get fucked up for a show i like to go on stage sober i like to have a drink when i tell the machine story on my second show like i have certain rules because that's how the business runs so you have to have rules for your business i like to work out before i go on stage uh i like

to uh i like to take a nap during the day i mean like certain things that i go that's how that's how i know i operate optimally. And sometimes, man, you'll get guys that are like, especially if like, one of my favorite things in the world to do is they go, and I don't do this a lot. I don't do it anymore at all because I can't. But when you go like San Francisco and you're like, oh, they're playing a baseball game at like noon. Oh, yeah. 1.30. And you're like, oh, let's go to the ballgame.

We can do it. Have a few fucking cold beers. Have a few cold beers, cheap seats, get a little sun. Yeah. That would be fucking great. And then you do it, and then one guy gets arrested, and you're like, there goes my feature. You're like, dude, you couldn't hold it together for fucking a baseball game? He's like, dude, it was a day game.

I'm annihilated. Speaking of, by the way, side note, one of my worst strip stories is my buddy in San Francisco in Chinatown, one of my worst strip stories is my buddy in San Francisco in Chinatown, one of those shady little strip clubs. He goes, I'm going to buy you a dance, but they have to take you in a private room. And I was like, look, dude, I'm not into that. I'm just letting you know. I don't want anything funky.

If this is going to be like a tug off or a suck off, I'm not into that shit. He's like, no, no, no. They just have to do one-on-one dances in rooms. That's just like, this is a small little thing. Okay, fine. So he buys me a dance. This girl, this girl is like, she's like, you want me to rub on you? And I was like, oh yeah, you can dance.

Yeah, let's, you know, whatever. Yeah. And I'm not kidding, dude. She like, she grabs, it looked like a water pipe coming out of the ceiling. She grabs it and lifts herself up and has her feet on my lap and is rubbing my cock with her fucking feet what city was this but i was like i was like oh no i'm cool i'm thank you i'm cool i don't really i just want like a regular dance wait she was like she she just kept doing it but dude i was more impressed at some point i i backed out of my like oh you're rubbing my cock

with your feet like i was on my jeans yeah but like at some point i i backed out of my like oh you're rubbing my cock with your feet like i was on my jeans yeah but like at some point i realized this bitch is holding herself up with one arm yeah rubbing my cock i was like the acrobatics was impressive all right two quick stories yeah south africa into a strip club and they walk into the lap dance they go full touch or no touch i go who the fuck does no touch i go full touch definitely right we get there she goes take your pants off i go no touch i didn't know you were touching me i'm sorry fuck does no touch? I go, full touch, definitely, right? We get there. She goes, take your pants off. I go, no touch. I didn't know you were touching me. I'm sorry.

My bad. No touch. No touch. So the second one is we go to the Banana Room in Amsterdam. You ever been there? No. So we're flying to Tanzania to go do Travel Channel. I'm with my camera woman.

Her name's Laura, Lara, or whatever. One of those. Lara. Lara. Lara. And we get stranded in Amsterdam. We get our connecting flight. We miss our connecting flight. So we have 24 hours in Amsterdam. So I say, hey, what do you want to do tonight? She goes, we're checking into the hotel. She goes, I'm hungry. I said, okay, how about this? Soft pitch.

Steak dinner. We go to a coffee shop, get shop get high steak dinner smoke a joint on our way back whiskey go to sleep she's like deal she goes actually this is gonna sound weird and i know we work together but i wouldn't mind going to the banana room and i now i just shot a series for showtime uh we all did stand up but i went to to Amsterdam and worked and did like all the venues or whatever there. It was a serious, I don't know, you're going to find it.

And so I knew the dudes at the banana room. It's a place where they, the girl puts a banana in her pussy, she peels it with her pussy, she like cracks, breaks it open,

you know, break the tip, breaks it open and then puts it in her pussy, peels it back and you eat the banana out of her pussy. And so I knew that.

And they say America's the greatest country in the fucking world. We don't got no banana room here, baby. What are our soldiers fighting for if we can't have a banana room? She puts ping pong balls in her pussy. And pops them out of you. Oh, yeah, that's cool. The girl's amazing. So I said, I can tell you where it is, but I don't think I can go with you.

She was like, well, I'm not going by my fucking self. And I go, well, tell you where it is, but I don't think I can go with you. She was like, well, I'm not going by my fucking self. And I go, well, it's a weird work dynamic. Like technically I'm a producer on this show, executive producer. So I can't like go with you. And she goes, here's the deal. I want to do the banana thing. So just go with me. I want to do the banana.

I want to see it. I want to see how. Oh, I thought you meant she wanted it. No, no, no, no. She went, I go, I want to see her do the banana thing. I'll eat. I want to eat the banana. I want to do the banana thing. to see how it works. Oh, I thought you meant she wanted it. No, no, no, no. I go, I want to see her do the banana thing. I want to eat the banana. I want to do the banana thing. I've heard about this.

Yeah. My husband did it. And I was like, okay. So we go to the banana room. And as I walk up, they're like, the machine. And I was like, what's up, guys? And they're like, dude, you're back. It's so good to see you.

Whatever their accent is. And I go, so I'm with my work friend. And she wants to do the banana experience thing. And they go, of course. Bring the best girl. So we bring this girl. She's beautiful. You're at a bar, like a peninsula bar, right?

That's attached to the wall and kind of attached to a strip where they'd all walk. Right. So they're standing on the tables technically, and the girl sits down and sits crisscross applesauce, totally naked. She goes, okay, three-part experience. We got the banana. And I go, she wants to do the banana. She goes, we got the full body massage with oil. And I go, huh?

She goes, you massage my whole body with oil. We put oil on my body and you rub it through the whole thing. And I said, I think we're going to pass on that one. She goes, and then I got the facial massage. I go, oh, facial massage. She goes, yeah, it's a full facial massage. It's very nice. I said, well, why don't you do the banana? I'll do the full facial. And she goes, okay. And I go, so where do we start? She goes, well, we start with the full facial massage. Lay back on the table on your back. And I went, so I get on the table on my back, all the way back.

I close my eyes. I'm fucking high as shit. I'm thinking, how nice is this going to be? And she puts her pussy on my nose, asshole on my mouth, and starts grinding. And I hear, all I can hear is my camera woman going, you thought it was a massage. You thought it was a massage. I thought it was a fucking like rub your face Reiki. She's just fucking rubbing her pussy on my fucking face.

Trying to get me pink eye. Oh, fuck. I laughed so hard. Did she do the banana though? She did the banana. She did the fucking banana. It was awesome, yeah. God bless you, banana.

I'm going to Amsterdam. I'll be in Amsterdam in like three weeks. I've never played Europe and I want to go so bad. I've been there a bunch. I've never played. Every time it is going to happen, something happens. Where like I was filming Dave and then I was filming this movie and then I just couldn't go. And so I felt bad.

So now I'm like I need a gap of time when I can actually go to Europe and do like London run, Scotland, Ireland, you know? Full month. Full month. Yeah, I want a big run. You got to hit Greece. You got to hit Berlin. Hit Portugal. Yeah.

Like you got to, because those, I mean, look, here's the thing. The sweet spot is going to be UK, Ireland. That's the sweet spot. 100%. You could do, technically, technically you can do the UK and be in and be out, and you'll have a great fucking experience. But I want to travel too then. Well, the Oslo, Copenhagen, like that run through Scandinavia, like Sweden, Denmark, Copenhagen, whatever.

I can't remember what's the city and what's the country up there. But then that's great. Antwerp, Amsterdam, that's fucking great. Amsterdam's great. Antwerp, Amsterdam That's fucking great Amsterdam's great And then when you start getting into the Berlin

Athens, Portugal Like that's I mean I gotta be honest with you The first time I did it I would have bailed on I wouldn't have bailed on any of it Because I kept a lot of it in I bailed on what I would have bailed on

But like what was great was like Baths. I don't know how that might tour in. But like Manchester, fucking sick. All over England. England's the shit. Yeah. England's the shit. It really is.

Scotland, Glasgow is pretty fucking amazing. Really amazing. But England, London is New York, so it's going to be what it is. But when you get outside in there, like Birmingham, Manchester, Dublin. Yeah, Dublin. Dublin's next level. We were just in there. We were in Ireland. And of course, like a bunch of people were like, Santino, you're playing a show.

And I was like, no show. And they're like, why are you here? And I was like, to visit. And they're all like, okay. Like they're annoyed. They're like, you don't get to go anywhere if you're not fucking doing a show. I was like to visit and they're all like okay they're annoyed they're like you don't get to go anywhere if you're not fucking doing a show I was like we're just on fucking vacation. We went to the bar across the street from the venue I told everyone at the venue

I said I'm going next door to the bar I'll be drinking there if you want to come over and say hi or take a picture I'll be there I used to do that I used to do that it was so problematic I used to do that everywhere I went I would just

as soon as I get done I go we'd pick a bar first we'd usually pick it my tour manager would pick it and it would be a dive bar but not like

a tiny dive bar cool dive bar like a really bad bar like a piece of shit yeah or really close whatever we would walk to and so

we picked the bar in Ireland right across the street from the venue and it was so packed that they were 12 deep on the sidewalk. And I don't even know what the rules are, but everyone was drinking on the sidewalk. I couldn't even make it into the bar. By the time I got into the bar, it was fucking chaos and when i got up to the bar to get a i got a guinness the bartender goes you get the fuck out and i go what did i do and he goes you made this fucking happen get the fuck out and i go what he goes i don't need your business get the fuck out like he was like he

was like we were having a good night yeah and you ruined it i'm gonna give you twenty thousand dollars tonight he's like get them actually those dive bar guys want it to still be a dive He was like, we were having a good night, and you ruined it. We're going to give you $20,000 tonight. He's like, get them. Actually, those die bar guys want it to still be a die bar. Yeah, they don't fucking. They don't want to make the money. Dude, I have that. And that's almost like the coolest bar you go to is when they're like, I don't give a

fuck about money. Get the fuck out. These are my regulars, and now they're fucking crammed up against the wall. What do you think? I opened a bar to make a living? Fuck off. It's for me and my friends to get shit-faced at. Oh.

Yeah, no. Would you ever, by the way, would you ever own a bar? I was thinking about that yesterday. Because you, of all fucking people, why would you not? Burt's Bar, baby.

Burt's is such a great name. Are you guys going to Burt's? That's a great name for a bar. That is a great bar. I wanted to open a bar called Rickshaw's. Okay. Let's save that for Bobby Lee.

Open it on Ventura and just have a bunch of Rickshaw's outside, right? Okay. Like five Rickshaw's. It's always parked in the loading zone. Five Rickshaw's, really nice ones too. Okay. Old school where the dude runs it. Yeah, real Rickshaw's.

And then the rule, yeah, real rickshaws. And the rule is if you live within like half a mile or a mile, we will rickshaw you to and from. All you got to do is call us. That's pretty brilliant. And so then people will be like, you guys want to go to rickshaws tonight? Yeah, call them up. Hey, you guys got room for two?

And you're like, oh, be there in 10 minutes. And then you get a rickshaw and you know you can get back and forth. I just thought it was like the coolest idea. I was thinking about that yesterday. Yesterday I was driving through, you look at all these places that have vape shops, right? Yeah. And I was like,

I wonder if you could open a bar or a comedy club bar. Like if you could open up, I wouldn't mind opening up a small, very small, like I often think about like how much it would cost to buy the HaHa. Ten. I would love to own,

I would love to own a dive bar. Like, you know, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd did that. I would love, if Tommy still lived here, it would already be happening because he's, his business brain is so fucking quick that like the second I bring something to him, he turns around and brings something 10 times bigger. Yeah. He's like, okay, you want to do that?

Hold on. Let me, let me do my magic. We'd already own one. And I, but I would love to own a little dive bar. It would have to be close to my house. So it's going to be in fucking the Valley. What's wrong with that? The Valley's the fucking best.

Yeah. Pat's is a pretty great bar already though. Pat's wrong with that? The Valley is the fucking best. Yeah. Pat's is a pretty great bar already though. Pat's is great. You know it's a Packers bar? No, I don't like it anymore. I know. They just paint it outside. They're like home of the Packers.

And you're like, that's an odd mix. Yeah, no. Pat's is a great bar. Pat's used to be the local bar for all the black actors and comedians. Wait, what do you mean? That was their spot. That was their spot. That was their spot. That's where they would go party.

And so when you'd go in, you would see, I'm talking like everyone who was working, anyone that was on Black Panther was there. Like it was fucking everyone, everyone. And you'd go in and you'd, I mean, that was like every night you'd go there and I'd run into someone who was in like the MLK movie or fucking. Like just.

So, but pastor school, I used to live right. I literally lived like catty corner from that. I would go there all the time. Not anymore. You can't do that. You're too big to just go out to meander at bars now. I am not. Yeah, you are.

It's my favorite thing in the world. But when you go to local bars, do you you not get harassed no you don't uh yeah you do i'm trying to think i haven't been to a bar i'm saying you probably don't go out to bars i don't go out often now i mean now that i think about it like on tour it's been kind of chaotic and then and the play the venues we play are usually very isolated in the middle of nowhere yeah and so um so there's not local bars around there we went to a bar we went to a bar with sean patton in um love sean in fairmont fairmont fairmont in chicago rosemont oh rosemont in rosemont yeah we did the rosemont thing rosemont horizon or what do they call it now they call it something else i don't know but we did that and uh and sean patton was at zany zany's like right next door yeah and we didn't even know

that we went to this great tiki bar and sean patton was there and ended up partying with sean patton and no one harassed us me and sean talked the whole time uh his features were with him we just all hung out it was fucking great that's why it's great you go down to the city you're fucked probably maybe i don't know chicago's a different story well. Well, I think I've sold myself as a guy to be fucked. It's like, I'm like, it's like, come hang out with me. Come talk to me. Come meet me. I don't mind that.

I've never minded that. So I always enjoyed it. I was saying that today, like I enjoy, I enjoy the trappings of this. Yeah. Like the fun of it. The like people being nice to you. I enjoy that almost more than money to be dead honest with you. You,

you like the culture. I love the fucking, that someone's nice to you for no reason at all that you like walk up and like, like today, this guy just walked up and walked into where I was getting my medication and write it over on Riverside. And he just walked up.

He's like, Oh dude, I fucking love you. And I was like, Oh thanks. He's like, man, you made me laugh so hard,

man. And I was like, Oh thanks. He's like, keep doing what you do. And I was like, oh, thanks. He's like, man, you made me laugh so hard, man. And I was like, oh, thanks. He's like, keep doing what you do. And I was like, oh, cool. No one does that to other people in this world. No one walks up to a fucking cop. Dude, I fucking love you. Well, especially not a cop.

Dude, I fucking hate you, dude. I mean, but it's like, I actually got in my car and I was like, that was really nice. But I love the, I should buy a bar. I highly encourage it. Of all people that I think could work out, for you, it would, especially because I don't think you would be in it to make this – it wouldn't be a big business venture. Like LA is where – in LA, New York, any big city, it's so hard to make a successful restaurant or bar. For you, it would be something that would be more like a fun hobby to just break even on.

You know what I mean? How great – so what if I did what the Viper Room was for young Hollywood, I do for old Hollywood and Sherman Oaks. I'm just doing it for like dads who are in the business, a bunch of grips and fucking a bunch of cameramen. I think that's smart. Who are like, this is a good place to drink. You know, it's good whiskey.

He's got like, what would be your catch though? So like, if you open a bar, soft pitch, if you open a bar, where would you, like, you'd want to offer just a little bit more. Like, obviously we could do stand up there, but I think we then, we take away from the fun of just going there and disappearing. Yeah, I'd want it to be more fun than have that other element. I want it to be just kind of a getaway. Would you have high end whiskeys? Would you, what would be your,

if, if it was up to like, if I could have it, it is not feasible financially, but every single week, uh, would be featuring like one brand of whiskey and all of their different, like,

uh, subsets, right? Like the brand and then all their different makes and models and every year from the cheapest to the cheapest to the most high end, you know, like, or once a month you could do this, I guess. So people come in and they can get the lowest end

or they could get the most fucking fancy shit. And, you know, with all that comes along with it, like. Well, that's so funny. Our brains work so differently. I was, I thought you were going to say I get high end bartenders, like a celebrity bartender every week. We can do that too. Yeah, you get a celebrity bartender and maybe the tips go to charity.

So you get a bar where everyone's like – We keep the tips. Oh, yeah. We're keeping the fucking tips. I wonder if you can make much money on booze. Probably, right? Yeah, dude. Water it down.

Yeah. My buddies own two bars on Water Street in milwaukee and they were super successful and they finally got out but those guys were like owning a bar is so fucking i'd want to own a beer garden a beer garden beer gardens tight do a beer garden where you could smoke weed and i serve like chicken wings uh-huh i love chicken wings you do like what do you love off a menu and let's serve pizza i love pizza pizza but it's got to be pretty good for me bar food always is wings wings uh i mean but i love a good burger a bar a bar burger but wings over bar burger onion rings i really want matzo sticks are a big clutch and if the place has nachos, Papa's getting a big plate of fucking nachos.

What if you open a bar called Starters and it's just ass? Just Starters? Oh my God, let's do it! That's fucking brilliant. No main courses. No, just Starters. No salads. No soups.

No entrees. And every week you bring in new Starters. New Starters. Holy shit. I love it. I'm done. I'm sold. Actually, now that you say that, I might look into buying a bar. Because my wife's buying houses right now. new starters holy shit I love it I'm done I'm sold I actually

now that you say that I might look into buying a bar because my wife's buying houses right now that's her thing that's her game she is

she is not flipping them she's just simply acquiring them just let them go she's building a portfolio and so and so

she but I it's kind of my like my we got into a fight right before I came here. God bless. She wants to buy – we bought a house to do the podcast out of. Yeah, you told me that. And then she wants to buy the house next to it because it's for sale.

Holy shit. And so I was like – and I was like, hold on. I was like, I don't know. And we had just had a big team meeting and I was like, baby, I got five fucking minutes. I got to get over to Santino's. I got five, I don't know. And then, and we had just had a big team meeting and, and I was like, baby, I got five fucking minutes. I got to get over to Santino's. I got five fucking minutes. Okay. So if you can make this happen, make it happen quick. And she goes, I'm all the guts. You're all the fucking glory. Do you understand that? She goes, you get all the fucking glory. We're all busting our ass around you, but you're the one they celebrate. Okay. Well,

give it to the guts. And I was like, and I literally was like, that makes so much sense. She wakes up at six in the morning, gets girls to school, cleans the kitchen, does all this shit. And then her side hustle is she wants to acquire properties and, and, and she's been very good at it. And we, she wants this one to rent out. And she was like, I'll, I'll buy it. I'll know that it's right next door to us. So they don't need to know that we own the house next to it. I'll buy it and I'll rent it out. And I was just, I get panicked because I don't really understand money totally. So I'm like, is this a good fucking investment?

Like, is this a, and then I was like, I want to bring, because I don't have any offers to invest. I don't have like, I don't have anything to say to like what about this or what about that I can just go I just go no and then she goes yes

and I go okay so like I don't really I don't have any like counter offer of like what if we invested but if we invested in a bar oh there's no way she's letting me invest in a bar

come on starters starters we're making starters cheers to starters starters let's make starters I want to make it nice outdoor fucking people can smoke weed yeah I want to make it nice outdoor fucking

people can smoke weed yeah I want to we got to have more outdoor space than indoor space by the way my dad always said that he'd come to LA he's like how the fuck

does this city have more indoor space than outdoor space you're spending the time outside all year round I never got it some of my favorite bars I'm like why can't I go outside like COVID did that

it helped a lot where they expanded patios Yamashiro Yamashiro up at the top of the hill yamashiro is now outdoors i took my daughters to eat there i hadn't been there forever took my daughters to eat there before we went to some fucking play or whatever and there's outdoor seating and i was like oh why hasn't this been here forever this is the most beautiful view in los angeles it was the best thing kobe did was make us get outside outdoors space find it zone it, zone it, buy it.

You got to buy it. Yeah, you got to buy it. You got to buy it because you want to own it. Because then once you own it, then you're just making money on money. Yeah. Okay, so ready? Five comics that you buy a bar with. Like if we were going to start a corporation and all buy a bar.

Now, here's the catch. Can't include Rogan. Can't include anyone that doesn't live here. Okay. That's so funny. Can't include Rogan. Can't include anyone that doesn't live here. Okay. That's so funny. Nobody here drinks anymore. No, no. Me, you.

Yeah, me and you. Can't go do Theo. Can't do Burr. No. Can't do... There's a lot of people you can't fucking do. Jessalyn probably wouldn't because he doesn't drink enough. He drinks, though.

He enjoys it once in a while, but it's not a part of his culture. Yeah, but God, he'd be so's not a part of his culture. Yeah, but God, he'd be so good at a bar. Well, you know what? He's so, he's so sexy when you see him

sitting at the fucking back bar at the store. His leather jacket. And he's just cool. He's always just sweet. He's so fuckable, that guy. He's so,

he's not, not to hate, not to hate to ruin his career, but he's not the cunt you'd think he'd be. He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. Yeah, he's so sweet. Yeah,

he's like, hey man, how you doing? How's everything been? How's the road? And he looks you in the eye when he speaks. Yeah. He's very like slow and calm. So he's not the cunt you'd think he'd be. He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. Yeah, he's so sweet. Yeah, he's like, hey, man, how you doing? How's everything been? How's the road? And he looks you in the eye when he speaks. He's very slow and calm. So he's listening. I don't know.

Dude, honestly, who else in this town could we buy a bar with? Are we the last drinkers? Yeah, we're kind of the last ones. I mean, if you can think of somebody else. For now, listen up, America. Let's tip in. Starters will be opening in the next year or two. Let's tip in the celebrities.

Is there a celebrity we can get involved? Who's the big drinker celebrity that you know? Does anybody like to party anymore? No, everyone's fucking pussies. This is like two frat guys who are at the house after everybody left. And they're like, I guess we have to clean up. What the fuck happened to these punks? No. No. I'm thinking. I guess we have to clean up. What the fuck happened to these punks? No.

No. I'm thinking... I'm trying to think. No. Nick. Nick. Nick Swartzen. That's a bad idea. Nick Swartzen would be the best to buy a bar. That'll backfire. It'll backfire. It's gonna backfire on all of us one day.

Nick Swartzen's in. Nick Swartzen's in. All right, so me, you, Swartzen. Me, you, Swartzen. I'm trying to think. No? No. Nobody. Every time I go to somebody, I'm like, no.

No? We could have Marin just run security. Just check IDs? Yeah. No. No. See, New Yorkers have a better

opportunity at this. Yeah. Like Sam Morrell, Mark Norman, Ari Shafir. They all drink. They all drink. They're all fucking fun.

What happened to our fucking scene? Did Rogan really ruin it for us? When he left... COVID and him leaving. COVID and Rogan leaving. It was like this dual thing that happened and then people moved and people left and wait is it upon us

to fall to find the next like you know how like i don't mean to say this like this is gonna come out weird but like you know ari and bobby Bobby Kelly and and all those guys that are a little older in the New York scene kind of fostered the like blowing up of like the like they were like the first ones to call a rogue and be like yo you gotta have Legion of Skanks on you know or they were the first ones to call and be like you gotta have Mark Norman on you gotta have like Big J on you gotta have Shane Gillis on that was the scene that kind of and this is obviously a little buzz. So if it sounds like, if you're hearing this and you're like,

that's not how that happened. Everyone's lied to their opinion. This is my opinion. But like that, they fostered that scene by really, New York's exploding right now. And what's crazy is like guys like Bobby, guys like Legion of Skanks,

like Shane, like Are You Garbage, like KFC radio, like Big Cat, fucking Barstool. They're all kind of fostering young talent because they're doing podcasts and they're in the know. Is it our job to do that in L.A.? Because no one – what podcasts are left in L.A.? Me, You, Bobby, Bobby's other show. Yeah.

And then – Oh, this is rude, Bobby, Bobby's other show. Yeah. And then. Oh, this is rude because I know there's other great ones. No, no. Neil Brennan just started a podcast. I don't mean great. I just mean like size-wise, we're pretty big. Yeah, and comics that are in the know, that are in the clubs. Neil Brennan just started a podcast called Blocks, but he's got a lot of huge celebrities on.

But he needs to have young comics on. Yeah, should. a lot of huge celebrities on, but he needs to have young comics on. Yeah, should. And so then, and so then I got,

I guess if, I guess ultimately you got to be in the clubs every night watching comics and going, you're funny as fuck. Like,

like Joe did to Laura Bites. Yeah, same thing. That's how she broke through. And he was like, she's fine. I was with him that night. Yeah.

We got high as fuck in the back and we were like, we should go in and watch a little comedy and we sat down and Laura just got on stage and she fucking murdered and we were crying laughing and he was like what's her name and i was like i'll find out and i went and got it and then i text we both followed her on

instagram and he dm'd her and then but that's joe joe's really good at that i'm not that great at it i i try it's super hard too because it's everything is severed and all right and you're busy so who are the who are the best comics for i'll tell you guys i'll tell you people i can tell you two people i saw that uh that are maybe are not la but one is who i'm gonna say i'm gonna say this the best comedy special i've seen on youtube. And all my friends are on YouTube. And I just say this. Pull me apart from all of that. I love every single one.

But the person who made me laugh the hardest for 48 minutes, Jackie Cation. Oh, she's so fucking funny. Her special is a different type of funny. It is a different type of funny. It is a different type of funny. It's an old school funny that, like, for me, it has hints of, like, Louis Anderson, hints of, like, Midwest authenticity. Oh, yeah. She has a chunk about her dad, Russ, that is so fucking funny.

When she's talking about her 85-year-old dad, Russ, it is so fucking funny. She is so good. Oh, yeah. And she's been doing it. You know, here's the real secret sauce to, I'm buzzed. I apologize already for what I say. But here's the thing. For guys like me and you, for a white guy.

I'm white we're not we're not like we get success later in life usually or you get it right away yeah there's not like

a lot of like and sometimes for women they get it right away or not at all right yeah but the thing that makes the thing that you love

about Bill Burr I'll just say this is that he got to kind of like fuck around and find his way and he didn't get really like great at comedy great at for the masses until he's like 45 or something or 40 maybe i would say early 40s yeah early 40s the thing that's brilliant about jackie is she's been doing it as long as

bill burr but now she's just starting to pop and you see the fucking textured or, or just original material that is like authentically fucking amazing. It's the best special I've seen. It's so top to bottom. One of the fucking hardest hitting specials I've ever seen. When do you have a special coming out for yourself? Um, I can't announce it, but next year.

Fucking hiccups. Yeah. Yeah. How'd you get hiccups? That should take it in that end. I put an air in my throat. Derek Stroop. Derek Stroop?

Do you know him? No. Fucking. Just like Jack Keisha. Young comic? Young comic. I just was sent his hour. I don't even think it's on YouTube, to be honest with you.

And it's D-E-R-R-I-C-K Stroop. S-T-R-U-P. All right. Look up Derek Stroop. Fucking. Watch Kaysian. Also watch. I really love fucking Ari's Jew.

I was at Jew. Oh, listen, listen. Jew was great. I don't need to promote Ari. Yeah, he doesn't need it. Everyone knows Ari, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Sam Morrell's got a new special. These are all my best friends. I love those guys.

I might just sit and promote them all day long, but you've already heard that. I want to tell you someone you haven't heard where you go, oh, shut the fuck up. This guy, Derek Stroop, man, so talented. He reminds me so much of Ron White, but in a different vein that I was laughing hysterically at him. Jackie Cation, man. She fucking – I mean, like, I'm glad I hadn't seen her special before I shot mine because it would have

fucked my head up. Why? It's that good. Damn. It's that fucking good. Can you tell me, are you going to put it on Netflix or are you putting it on somewhere else?

It's on Netflix, yeah. Okay. My next one's on Netflix. Because I do see people moving away from Netflix now. Yeah. I've got to be honest with you. I can't believe I didn't notice the business move earlier.

I watched Burr's first special on Netflix on YouTube. Someone's like, why don't you watch it on Netflix? And I was like, who has fucking Netflix? I didn't realize everyone did. Yeah. And then, and it's so easy to watch a special on Netflix. It's so easy. I would literally, Jackie Cation, I saw one of her clips.

One of her clips was on Instagram and I thought, that's funny. I go, that looks like a special. So I went to her link in her bio. I clicked it. And then it took me to her special, and I went, oh, I'll watch this. And I watched it, and I was honestly blown the fuck away. I have very seldomly watched an hour of – 48 minutes. I think it's 48 minutes.

I watched the whole thing sitting in my bed just watching it laughing hysterically. It's so good. It's so good. And it's not dirty. And there's a little bit of like – a little bit but not really but like political stuff at the end. But not really but kind of. Yeah. But it's just – it's for everyone.

And I love that kind of comedy. Moses Storm's special is amazing. He's on HBO Max, I think. He's super good. Yeah, but I think, I mean, I think. Mine's out right now. Well, when this comes out, it'll be out. On what?

Netflix. Oh, yeah. Oh, I just saw the promo for it. January 10th. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Fuck yeah. Dude, everybody's like, why Cheeseburger?

And I'm like, well, that's the whole point is for people to see it to find out why the fuck it's called Cheeseburger. Fuck yeah. Dude, everybody's like, why cheeseburger? And I'm like, well, the whole point is for people to see it to find out why the fuck it's called cheeseburger. Watch cheeseburger right now. Watch these specials. Watch out for the new bar that's coming called Starters. Bert and I. Bert, I love you. Thank you for coming on the show. Brother, I am so bummed I haven't done this until right now.

I know. I'm mad. So I'm building a new podcast studio. We're going to be up and running in February. I'll be there. I'd love to have you. I'll be there. We end the show the same way.

Look at that camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the show. It'll be cemented in history whenever you're ready. Cheeseburger. In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.