Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Beth Stelling

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Santino sits down with Beth Stelling to chat about her new special "Girl Daddy" avail now on HBO max, doing her podcast with her mother, her heart shaped uterus, nair and dry shaving and so much more. COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. We gots a good one for you today. Beth Stelling, who has an incredible special right now on HBO Max called Girl Daddy. You gotta go see this. Go check it out. If you don't have HBO, get it, okay? I am on a tour. Dude, we're about to announce so many dates. But right now, go to andrewsantino.com, and you can see I'm going to Houston in a couple of weeks. I go to Madison, Wisconsin.

I go to Nashville. I go to Colusa, which is just north of Sacramento. I go to Boston. Denver is up there. Denver, baby. Denver, Colorado, one of my favorite places on earth. Also, we're adding, we're going to be adding Philly. We're going to be adding, I think Grand Rapids I think Indianapolis I think Columbus I think somewhere in Florida I'm going on the list anyway we're adding

and also we're going to be doing New Year's Eve I think in Phoenix those aren't up yet but just be prepped andrewsantino.com keep checking out for the tickets but sign up right now

go get that stuff the Patreon is patreon.com slash whiskey ginger podcast that's where I do the solo episodes. And I also do a Zoom with the top tier, which is so much fun. And if you're looking for merch, it's in the merch bar down below. Like it, subscribe it, tell a friend, send a comment out to the world

so the whiskey ginger love keeps spreading. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know if I should say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. A very old dear friend of mine.

Beth Stelling. Beth, cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Look me in the eye. You have to look me in the eye. Sorry about that. That's an old Irish.

Are we supposed to tap down? Yeah. Well, that's not. That's an American thing. But the Irish have to. You know why they do that? Don't leave. Please don't go. Don't leave. Do you know why people do that? Don't leave. Please don't go.

Don't leave. Do you know why people do that for real? Why? Oh, there's two things. I've heard this may be, this may be one of those old folktale things, but I don't care if it's fake. You used to clink glasses because if somebody poisoned your drink, some of yours would spill into theirs and some of theirs would spill into yours. Ooh. If that's fake, I don't care.

Do you know what I mean? It's so fun because you imagine an old pub where they'd clink those like wooden like big gulp things and they'd smash them together

and they would spill everywhere like bars used to be like just booze everywhere and then the eyes thing is another tell. If someone clicks and looks away, it's because they don't like you

or they're plotting to kill you or hurt you. Put some in your drink. Did you look at you went down? I went down a little. Why is that? I don't know. I felt too high up there.

Did you? Yeah, I felt like I was taller than you. You're not. I'm six foot one. I'm six foot one. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're five nine.

You're tall, but you're not that tall. Don't. You're not a six footer, dude. When I went to Ireland, but you're not that tall. Don't. You're not a six-footer, dude. When I went to Ireland, which you've been. A rude assumption, but you're right. Okay. A racist assumption, but you're totally right. I've been a few times, yeah.

Okay, I've only been to Kilkenny for the festival, the Cat Laughs Festival. Oh, yeah. Which I bomb at every year. Lie. It's annoying to hear that you say you bomb because I know you don't. That's an annoying. Don't do that anymore on this podcast. Okay, okay. Just say you didn you bomb because I know you don't. That's an annoying don't do that anymore on this podcast.

Just say you didn't do as well as you wanted to. I'm up there and killing. Okay, you're crushing. But I drank a ton of Guinness while I was there. I felt healthier. Did you like Guinness?

I felt like it cleared up my face. It did not. There's no chance. I really do like Guinness. But it's good. Actually, if you put it on your face, it's good for you.

Beer facials are good. I have never heard. I swear to God, we're going to Google beer facials right now. Well, I'm telling you, the Guinness made me feel healthier. Is there such thing as beer facials? Sometimes I ask Google stuff just to see. Beer facials. While we've heard of using beer to make our hair shinier,

beer as a skincare ingredient is very new. Carolyn Doe, spa director at the Umstead Hotel and Spa, says beer... In North Carolina? Yep, is an idea because yeast in beer works to balance the pH of your skin, targets bacteria, and helps to reduce breakouts.

Start putting beer on your face, baby. Spit it out. I felt like I shouldn't crunch anymore. You can crunch on this show. This is called Crunchin' with Beth. Whiskey ginger. Whiskey ginger crunchin' with Beth. And crunchin' with Beth.

Beth, let's give some context for people that don't know you. If you don't know Beth, she is an incredible comedian, a great writer, a great person. I've known you for, I would like to say, a decade. Yeah, I was going to say at least. At least a decade. Yeah. It's got to be, 10 years is always the breaking point.

Can you pinpoint the time we met, though? Because, like, we both, weren't we not on the same Comedy Central half hour season? Yeah, but we knew each other before half hours the half hours were in Boston in 2015

but I met you probably a couple years before that and my guess I'm gonna give a slick guess is at like an El Cid

or or what else was over there what else was another show that was like on Sunset or Los Feliz?

Echoes of Sunset. Echoes of Sunset, maybe. That could have been over there. Echo Plex. Best Fish Taco. Has that been going on long enough? I don't even know. Been around a long time.

But that's the problem with, that's really the problem to me with shows and comedy timeline. I was talking to Pete Holmes about this. I don't remember. After a certain, 10 years? Yeah, I know. I was talking to Pete Holmes about this. I don't remember. After a certain, 10 years? Yeah, I know. I'm trying to think. There's certain people, like when I first got out here,

I remember meeting in How and Why. But it's just so few. Yeah, well, it gets harder. Like Caperland. How did you meet Caperland? Jake Weissman.

Through Jake Weissman. I remember meeting Jake. Excuse me. Holy fuck. Yes! That's where I met him. Downtown Independent. I met Jake

and I knew Dave from something else. That's it. Anyway, let me do my bio for fuck. Yes. That's where I met him. Downtown Independent. I met Jake, and I knew Dave from something else. That's it. Anyway. That used to be such a fun show. Let me do my bio for you. Okay. Okay? Beth is an incredible writer, a great stand-up comedian, a great person.

She has a special, by the way. I'm doing a plug, even though I don't want it to feel like a plug, but it is. She has a very amazing special out right now. Well, you have a special out now, but you already have had specials, okay? Don't make it seem like she's never had a special before. This is my first hour. I've had half hours out there. But you have half hours. But don't you think that's just as valid? I don't understand why that doesn't get enough love.

It's changed over time for sure. Yeah. But there's a prestige with the hour. There is. That existed for so long and has been dashed by Netflix. But what's your opinion about it? Do you think it doesn't matter? I do think it matters. I still think that there is a prestige with it.

However, it's been ruined by Netflix. But do you value your half hours as much as your hour? I do. See, that's why. I take them just as seriously. Because they're great. But a special should be special. It shouldn't be an extended podcast.

Yeah. This is a special special by the way Netflix is buying these oh no the rumor is they're buying podcasts no I swear to god

that's kind of smart I mean they're just gonna buy us they want they're gonna buy us they're gonna put a bid on you and your house and your car

and you're gonna have to drive around Netflix sponsored fucking cars oh my god by the way I know that sounds it's gonna be real

do you you know how basketball players for years, the NBA fought to have advertisements on their jerseys? They refused. NBA said no.

No, but they did, they have them now. But for years they said no, right? Baseball still doesn't have them. Yeah. But the end.

NASCAR's got a lot of them. Well, that's all those people are, is their big advertisements. But I do think that's coming for comedy. Because you know how sometimes it's a show sponsored by.

Well, especially at like Jam in the Van. Sure. Behind us it's like Stone Road. Right, but I do think that's coming for comedy because you know sometimes it's a show sponsored by well especially at like Jam in the Van behind us it's like Stone Road right but I think at some point they're going to pay you to wear shirts on stage

but some comics already I feel like maybe the skater comics were already maybe that's because they were sponsored before like Chris Fairbanks does he do that?

well I'm not saying that he does that but I just feel like he just came to mind where I was like I feel like he would be sent something cool to wear on stage see but that seems like a cool version of it I'm not saying that he does that, but I just feel like he just came to mind. I feel like he would be sent something cool to wear on stage. See, but that seems like the cool version of it. I'm talking about like the...

You're right. Like Icy Hot. Like I have to wear an Icy Hot sweater during my set. No, like Whitmer Thomas or those guys that do cool shit. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool if they're sponsored by a dope skate brand. Yours is going to be Icy Hot? Yeah, Icy Hot.

I want Icy Hot. I use it every day. Mine's going to be O's by a dope skate brand. Yours is going to be Icy Hot? Yeah, Icy Hot. I want Icy Hot. I use it every day. Mine's going to be O's by Quaker. Ooh. Have you ever had that cereal? Love O's. So good. Dude, I actually like healthier,

healthy-ish cereals more than I like the sugary ones. No, even as a kid. I didn't love sugary cereals. What were your cereals as a kid? Easy setup for a joke here. You know what I mean? Shredded wheat.

Box of iron. Did you ever have a box of iron? You just chewed on iron for an hour and a half. What was my favorite cereal as a kid? It was always like, I liked Rice Krispies. It wasn't sugary. Yeah. I liked stuff that was like...

My cousins would sprinkle sugar on top of Rice Krispies, and I remember seeing it when we visited my aunts, and I was like, you need that. My mom was like, absolutely not. That's Midwest shit. You're an Ohio kid. Yeah.

That's such a, Midwest kids did really like, that was like Midwest trashy cool stuff was like pouring sugar on cereal, sneaking in snacks into the movie theater.

That's Midwest shit. Oh, really? Yeah, do you never do that? Of course I did that but I didn't know it was. That's our thing, Beth. That's the Midwest kids. I don't think they do that anywhere else. I think I mentioned it. I still do it. Yeah, of course. What do you mean? I've taken it. What's the weirdest thing you never do that? Of course I did that, but I didn't know it was... That's our thing, Beth. That's the Midwest kids. I don't think they do that anywhere else.

I think I mentioned it. I still do it. Yeah, of course. What do you mean? What's the weirdest thing you've taken in? Into a movie theater? It's not weird, but me and this girl Sarah in college snuck in 40s in a bag, and that was fun. It was just, it was absurd to have a 40 in a movie theater because it's so cumbersome.

Yeah, it is huge. It's not a cool thing to drink. It's just too big, and it gets hot by the bottom. Yeah, by the end, it's just warm. But not a cool thing to drink. It's just too big and it gets hot by the bottom. Yeah, by the end it's just warm. But we snuck in to watch maybe it was Kill Bill? I don't know which volume. What was volume? I think we just...

And then we drank 40s and watched Kill Bill in the movie theater, which by the way, highly recommend if it ever comes back. I don't know if I've ever seen Kill Bill. Are you serious? None of them? I don't think so, no. For shame, dude. I gotta watch them.

That makes me mad, kind of. I've taken a Chipotle burrito in. That's the weirdest thing? I mean, I don't know about weird, but it was a full meal. That's big. Yeah, it is like you're really tearing up. Was it steak or chicken? Chicken. It gotta be chicken.

Gotta be chicken. I can't believe people eat steak from there. They've really gone downhill, though. They're gross. Yeah. Yeah. They're gross. They're gross. Yeah. Yeah. They're gross. This episode is sponsored by Chipotle and McDonald's family.

They used to own them. McDonald's. And they bought them. They sold them. They bought them. Chipotle, to me, is a little... It was a thing that we could do before we moved here. How about that?

Yeah. You can't do that now. No. When an adult tells me they're going to go to Chipotle, I get a little upset. I'm crying. Good. They're gross. They're gross. It used to be to Chipotle, I get a little upset. I'm crying. Good. They're gross. They're gross.

It used to be good. Many, many, many years ago. First trip there, I hated it. Really? I remember my high school boyfriend, Robert, loved Chipotle. Robert. Robert Palermo. Oh, does he ever.

Yeah. Everybody knows our palm. No. But now, then I turned a corner. You did? You shifted? I went chicken, black beans, pico de gallo cheese cheese sour cream lettuce maybe a little hot oh me oh the hot i went back i was a little hot everybody goes to hot and

then they go just give me the medium that the hot was too much it's insane a little bit of hot just a little hot and they and they put that fucking ladle yeah you're like what is that how much that's that that's literally like a, a full cup of hot sauce. I don't need it. But honestly, Chipotle for people in Southern California, it's a shame whenever I see people. You could go to a taco stand in a gas station, which is near my house, and get three tacos for, I think she's five bucks for three tacos. That sounds expensive. I have a huge crush on her.

Really? I do. She knows it. Yeah, I flirt with her every time. She's got it. She's like 60. Is she wearing a ring? She's in her late 60s.

She knows I'm not available either, but it's like a thing we have going on. Huh? She fit? You know, I'm not about that, Beth, okay? I don't care what she looks like. I'm just not sure how she's doing for her age. No, don't do that to me. She's, um... Guess her weight.'t care what she looks like. I'm just not sure how she's doing for her age. No, don't do that to me. She's, um...

Guess her weight. 286. Guess my weight. 226. Uh, no. She's, um... She's in good shape for a woman of her age. I think that's a nice way to say it. Yeah. I think so, too. She's also, her face, her skin. Beautiful. Man, brown people just have better skin than us.

Yeah, I mean, I've, whew. They just have better skin. Over the years, I've had I've, whew. They just have better skin. I've had so many acne troubles. Talk to me, kid. I had Accutane twice. You know what I mean? Yeah. I never did it because I was so scared.

Because they're basically like, if you get pregnant on Accutane, your baby will be like a tooth wrapped in hair. The image is wonderful. I just see a big molar just with tons of hair strewn around it and its eyeballs are all crooked. I'm a baby. You're like, oh, my God, that molar baby. You're already scared to have sex as a teenager.

Like, the last thing you need is to sign documentation. STD scares in health class. Then, plus, they're like, we're going to put you on face medicine to make you think you'll— Want to kill yourself. You'll kill yourself, maybe die from this. And your face will be on your pillow. Yeah. It will come from your face and then stick to your pillow.

Yeah, stick to your pillow. I did it once and then the second time I was about to start it and then the doctor pulled it away and was like, we don't know if it's safe to do back-to-back like that. And I know a bunch of other kids that did. My friend Sean did it twice back-to-back and he's doing really

well right now, to be honest with you. So maybe I should have done it back-to-back. He's got two beautiful children. He lives in Wisconsin. So they're fine. The kids are fine. The kids are fine. I opened this last special on acne material. Really?

Yes, because it's been such a thing. Yeah. Just say I love my acne. It keeps me young. I'm going to do bits about it. That's really funny. Thank you. Look, I have an adoration

for that time in my life because the troubles made me probably funnier or stronger. Yeah, but you also can remember the time where, I mean, I remember being in Chicago and seeing a girl from high school at Urban Outfitters, which I have such a love-hate relationship with. Why do I go in there? Still today? Well, I don't go in there anymore.

Beth, let's go. Can we go today? Yes. Let's go to Urban. Okay. Let's go to Urban. Okay. Let's go buy an Obey shirt, some Vans, and what else do they have? Candles? They have such random bullshit there.

I was going to say, I got, fuck, I can't remember the name of it. Damn. No, give it to me. Wait for it. I'm thinking of the album. Oh, the album. It's got the waves on it. God.

It would have been so good if I thought of it. You know when you have like, if you just said the joke. We can edit it out. We'll cut it. We'll go right back to it and pretend it never happened. Wait, what waves? It's not Sonic Youth. We're going to get there.

Is it like? Joy Division. Got it. That's how I come. Joy Division. Okay, we'll go to it. And he's like, what happened? What was that?

And you're like, I'm done. I'm good. Are you? I had my Joy Division. That's all I need. And he's like, what happened? What was that? And you're like, I'm done. I'm good. Are you? I had my joy division. That's all I need. What, you didn't finish either? That's what I would say to him. That's what you'd say to him.

I ran into a friend and I had acne at the time, no makeup on. I was just like, I wanted to hide. And it's so weird because obviously it's all you. It's more on you. Someone's looking, you know, from the outside. Did you have braces when you had acne? Never have had braces. Really?

Uh-uh. Look at those things, though. But I also learned how to smile. I used to smile like this. Like, as a kid, I would smile, like, full. You'd see it all. And then I quickly learned that you should. You don't want to give that to the camera?

Give that smile to the camera, the kid smile. Come on, do it for fun. Okay. There it is. That's a cute kid smile i used to smile like this when i was a kid my teeth wouldn't touch i always thought it was cool to i wanted to be in a movie i thought i was jim carrey so i oh my god i did too that must have just been like that's how i got my laughs was jim carrey ace venture at pet for sure because

we're the same age yeah This is Doubtfire. I would just quote those movies. Hello, dear. I mean, come on. Who's a run by fruiting? That's so good. He was so good. Where is Robin?

What are we having? He actually passed away. He did. Yeah. How'd he do it? Disappeared. He disappeared. Into a role.

Amelia Earhart did it. Yeah. Into a role, actually. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, it'd actually still be out there. Wow. Well, Daniel Day-Lewis, you ain't got shit on Rob. You know what meant a lot to me?

Yeah. After my Netflix half hour, because I was so obsessed with Rob and his daughter Zelda reached out to me. What? She's just like, I really enjoyed your special. I was like, I hate to be a douche. Because I'm the person who like, like I'll see a famous person and be like, I won't be over here.

I'm not going to bother you. But I was like, maybe it's cheesy I said, but I just got to tell you like. What did she say? She was like, he would have loved it. She just said something very sweet.

That's very nice. He, he called me a tool one time at the comedy store. No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. No, but he was at the comedy store hanging out one night

and working through some very dark stuff. Really? Yeah, it was kind of fun to watch. Well, it was probably when he was diagnosed or illness. Yeah, I mean, he kind of started to come back six years ago or something like that. It was seven years ago. And then I remember watching him work through that stuff.

And was he saying, I have a lily body? He said, no, he was just talking about divorce pretty heavily and how love is kind of a sham it is yeah but I mean when you hear it

in a comedy club that's why it's so upsetting it's hard I don't know god I don't like it's difficult is love a sham?

the way I see it it's like at adolescence we're poured a glass of wine and it's like have funcence, we're poured a glass of wine. And it's like, have fun. Hop on this roller coaster of life and love. And you're just like...

Oh, there's a spilling on this ride. You're spilling. And at the end of the ride, you just have like one sip left. And you're like, this is for me, I think. That's a really good... I get that. It's never as good as like the first time. But I've also always never been sure.

And I'm sure it's because of how I was raised or what happened with my parents. But I've always never been sure. It's like I've been madly in love, but there's always this little thing in the back of my head that's like, but is it the right person, the right one? I feel like a dog on a carpet that's like... Yeah. But the carpet's never going to move. Yeah, it's just carpet, pup. What are you doing, bud? No bed's going to form out but the carpet's never gonna move yeah it's just carpet pup

what are you doing bud there's no bed's gonna form out of the carpet but who could say that but a bigger being we don't know that though that's us

you're just doing it until you feel like you're tired and you go fine this fucking person's fine I know that's a sad way to look at it

because like look I also I think like the more positive way to look at it perhaps is it's a choice.

Marriage is a choice. Yeah. And you keep choosing that person. You choose them every day. And that's that. Yeah. And then you made it even more severe by putting a ring. Jewelry.

Yeah. Like jewelry and signing some stuff. Which, by the way, that's why I don't like the ring stuff because it's like. Do you wear one? No. No. It's like. It's almost.

I used to have an old bit when I was 22 about like. I don't know why, but I was like, I gravitate towards wedding rings at a bar because it's like, oh, you an old bit when I was 22 about like I don't know why but I was like I gravitate towards wedding rings at a bar because it's like oh you know how to commit right it's like an old

probably like an open mic joke still yeah but that was an early joke of mine where it's like you look for a ring because it's committal yeah

but also I just the jewelry even weddings in general are so yucky because I'm just like this is all for profit this wasn't about love. It never was.

Yeah. I know I sound like this. No, no, no. I was listening and I think I was listening to, yeah, Sarah's podcast and someone called in and was kind of just talking about this. Like, you know, and she, her entry into the question was feminist based. Like, you know, why would my friends who I thought were feminists like want to do this? Which is an interesting take, right?

Because, you know, feminism already has a bad rap these days when really it's just... They need a new PR campaign. They really need to re-up. Because of course I'm a feminist, and pretty much everyone should be. But the idea, what does it mean anymore, though? Here it's so different, though.

Right. If somebody said, are you a feminist? I wouldn't even know how to answer it, though, because I would say, what do you mean? Well, I guess what's the intention by the question? Do I believe in everything that all, every feminist rhetoric I've heard? That's impossible. So it's weird to say like, are you a part of a group that has no real grouping? It's like, I don't, what? I think it's like for a while there, it was a red flag to me when a woman would say like,

oh, I'm not a feminist. And it's like, gal. Well, that's just. All it really is is just saying, like, equal opportunity. Yeah. I think they're saying that to say, just to be. But we're in such a different place than what people before us had to even fight for. Sure. Sure.

But, I mean, I think women who say that. Excuse me. I think women who say that are doing that just to be, um, what's the word? Yeah, yeah. Because I'm dumb right now. They're just trying to be, you know, anti-authoritative, like anti-system. Wait, isn't there a new term for the get-em girl? Got-em girl?

What's get-em girl? Wait, damn it. I'm a bad feminist. You are. No. God. Got-em girl? There's some term for girls who are like, I'm with the boys.

Oh, really? I like sports. Go get them, girls. What is this? I like sports. We're going to isolate that clip and put it on. Yeah. Please let us know.

If you could send us a letter. Send it to your senator. There's a term for a girl that's just like, I don't know. Trying to be one of the boys. Well, tomboy was when we were kids. I always felt that. Like, as a kid, I definitely felt that. And I will say, too, the career I've chosen, the life I've chosen, that still resonates with me in a lot of ways.

I don't look at it like, haha, I'm just one of you, one of the guys. Like, but I, if we are on a spectrum, I would lean more towards, I guess, my counterpart male's behavior. Yeah. But I don't think, well, okay. Let's just say that we're both comedians, and so we're that. I don't think it's one of the guys. I think you're just one of us, and one of us means— That might be it. One of us. All comics are one.

Join us. Why don't you? Even the ones that you don't like are still part of your world, whether you like it or not. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, they're yours. Gosh, I've just found so many people online where I'm like, oh, this is a comedian I've never heard of. Yeah. They're doing it.

Yeah, well. And then some ways that will also make me feel really lucky that I even like have gotten to have specials. That you're successful. I mean, I worked very hard and I feel like I know what I do. Not at all. And this is a lie about Beth. I've never seen her work hard once. I've never seen her do any sort of research or just putting her back into something.

She really just bails and she's been paying a team of writers her whole career. That was so interesting. Somebody commented on my page about like I just posted an abortion joke from my special and said like this guy, a more famous comic has the best abortion joke or something. And I was like

oh, yeah I love his writers and I follow them instead. You don't want to say it. Okay, well, you guys can look it up. It's on our Twitter somewhere. You can find it. No, but that's what's funny.

You know what would be really funny? It used to be such a funny question when people were like, do you have writers? And you're like, what? It's almost, I almost want to be like, where'd you hear that? It's like when a dad hears a kid cussing, you go, where'd you hear that? Who told you that?

I interrupted you. Sorry, what were you going to say? No, I was going to say, and when a dad hears a kid cussing, where'd you hear that? Who told you that? I interrupted you. Sorry, what were you going to say? No, I was going to say in this whole show it should be called Interrupting, trust me, because I do it too much. The fans are like,

shut up. No. I was going to say it'd be wild to think, and this is real, that like a writer on a TV show would also have writers

off the show helping them bring material to the show. I mean. That's a real thing. Yeah, SNL, right? Because I know someone that did it.

I feel like SNL has struggled that over the years. They were writing on a TV sitcom and they were paying. That's a real thing. Yeah, SNL, right? Because I know someone that did it. I feel like SNL has struggled They were writing on a TV sitcom and they were paying. Outsourcing? Yeah. I mean, you have enough money. I'll tell you off camera. It's such a weird thing to do, though.

I was like, what? Then you're not good. Yeah, no, you're not. You don't have anything to bring to the table? That's wild. Even if your ideas suck, bring them. Valid question that I've been asked

by, you know, younger comics is like, oh, are you worried about giving away your own material if I'm writing on a TV show? Yeah. Valid question, and I think I worried about it when I was younger, but no. No. It's not yours. It's not for you. Well, and also, it's gone.

Yeah. It already existed. It's gone. It's over when it's over. It's almost like when Ron Funches and I both had a similar joke and then— I've had that happen with other comics, too. Yeah. And we both talked about it. We both laughed about it, but it's like it already's almost like when Ron Funches and I both had a similar joke and then... I've had that happen with other comics too. Yeah. And we both talked about it. We both laughed about it, but it's like it already, it's already gone. The whole thing of it is gone. So who cares? I don't know. It's almost

like you can't hold onto that. I used to be so worried about it. I just think it might be a naivete thing, like early years. I'm not going to post this five minute set from the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago because what if somebody bigger steals it? It's like, oh, nobody wants that. You think they care? Nobody wants your what? Wild joke?

You think they care about that? That's your bad. That's a bad Hyundai joke. Nobody cares about that joke. That's a bad joke. Okay, by the way, give me one of your oldest, worst jokes. Bad, old, bad. Or even you know after all this time that you're like, I knew it was bad then, old, bad. Okay.

Or even you know after all this time that you're like, I knew it was bad then but I was doing it. Oh my, okay, okay, okay. Come on. Like bad for women?

Okay. Bad just in, that you know it sucks. I think it's a compliment when you get roofied. It means somebody wants to sleep with you. And then you'd have

a good story to tell your kids. You could say like, your dad and I met in a very non-traditional way. I was unconscious. But when I woke up, he was still there. And it was love at first sight.

Because it had to be. Beth, why is that bad? That's very funny. That's very funny. It's not a bad joke. I don't think I ever even put it on an album. That's a good joke. Thank you. Because it's a joke. That's truly 14 years old. But it's a joke. We know it's a joke. I think too, right? It depends on who it's an album. That's a good joke. Thank you. Because it's a joke. That's truly 14 years old. But it's a joke. Yeah.

We know it's a joke. I think too, right? It depends on who it's coming from. I've just talked about this with somebody. The idea when somebody's like, what if you say something and you get in trouble for it?

And I think, well, two ways to look at it. One, you've either built up a career where you say that stuff all the time, so your audience knows. Yeah. Or two,

it's unlike you to say something like that. And then you usually have to just like, you know, make a stance and go, hey, I didn't mean to say that stuff all the time. So your audience knows. Or two, it's unlike you to say something like that. And then you usually have to just like, you know, make a stance and go, hey, I didn't mean to say that.

That was a mistake. I took a shot. And then most likely people will just go, all good. It is what it is. I don't, I don't,

the other side of it I don't really believe in of like, yeah, what do you say something that's not going to get you? It's like, well,

I'm so sick of it. It's really annoying. You can't say anything. It's like, some's like well dude I'm so sick of it it's really annoying you can't say anything it's like some of these people have made a career out of like I resist and I say whatever

I'm like it's still not funny I mean you have to be funny you gotta be funny that's the thing especially if you have a writer you can say anything if you're funny it's funny

yeah Sarah Silverman also says it great which I think is if you were to get in trouble and people and you've been around long enough and people know your heart. And they know that you weren't there to try to hurt. You didn't mean that.

Yeah, exactly. But I also think it's just like. You keep mentioning Sarah. Who's Sarah Silverman? One of the great. She is, dude. Honestly, not as good as you, but I do like her. She's a sweet.

She's a sweetheart. But you can say anything and it's also about like perspective too I just feel like ugh don't one of the reasons

I like whatever it's prior 1979 Long Beach special that got put on Netflix and he has

everyone's like you can't tell rape jokes as a man it's like no he has rape jokes but he doesn't tell them from a perspective of a rapist yeah

turns out i mean if you're gonna i mean if you're playing a villain role or if like you're jeselnik or something and you have that that's what he does who you are and that's your he does dead baby jokes all the time dead rape baby jokes by the way when i opened for him at caroline's years ago oh the program said, Beth Sterling. And I was like, of course, I'm so sorry. She a friend? To say something.

But my name's Beth Sterling. The next night, Ben Sterling. By the way, that one you gotta let go because it's just them being funny. That's someone upstairs going, oh, really?

All right. Because I would be that guy. She said, it's Beth Stelling. And I'm like, is it really? Okay, Ben Stelling. But my mom and my sisters came to New York because it was like a fun experience, like, that I got to work Carolines many years ago.

And I just told my mom going into it, I was like, this is what he does. It's not real. They're jokes. So go into it not thinking about a dead child, like, literally in front of you. Just, no, it's a joke. Yeah. It's not real. They're jokes. So go into it not thinking about a dead child, like literally in front of you. Just know it's a joke. Yeah, it's not real. Did she enjoy it? She had fun.

Okay. And he's obviously very nice to her. Yeah. Well, he loves moms. They're jokes. You know him. He's been dating moms for years. Is that Jess?

I'm like, dude, he'll snatch your mom right up. I don't care if she's single or not. Andrew Santoro. I got that a bunch on the road. Santoro. My name was on a few billboards. And a big puss. I got that a bunch on the road. Really? Santoro, my name was on a few billboards. And a big puss. I never asked him to take it down.

I was too young in my career of new headlining that I was like, that'll do. I did it when I was a feature and I felt like, I'm sorry, but... No. I think it's because my mom was coming and I was like, can we get these programs right? I was worried they wouldn't... I was worried they wouldn't pay me. I was always like, God, if I bug them, they probably just would be like,

get out of here. You're not even drawing it. That was like my first couple of times when I headlined. I was, you know, seven people bought tickets or whatever. That's like the strange part of all of this. You really have to – I actually understand sometimes when people get really big and they don't understand their power because we started with nothing and so little. Yeah.

So when you realize you don't understand like the reach you have the influence you have and wield it semi-responsibly in my opinion i think you should yeah um i understand why because we were nothings for a really long time well also you kind of you kind of have to um you have to continue to earn your keep so it's weird that like if you get to a point when you no longer have to earn your keep, when you're so above everything and so rich or so successful that there is no humbling anymore. I think Rock said it, that he was like the worst thing that can happen to a comedian is too much money because then you kind of don't have anyone to tell you no. You know, then you literally have everyone around you going, totally, man.

Yeah, whatever you want. What do you want? You want a jet? You want a helicopter in? Yeah. Someone should once in a while be like, take an Uber, man. Yeah, whatever you want. What do you want? You want a jet? You want a helicopter in? Yeah. Someone should once in a while be like, take an Uber, dude. Yeah, or we need like a jury, right? The jury is like not allowed to know what's going on.

They couldn't have seen the news. Oh, that's good. We need like a jury for some really rich and famous comics because people I've seen even, like I know everyone's kind of starting, not everyone, but like I feel like you're in a really good place because you're about to tour. I feel like I'm, because I got the hour out, Girl Daddy on HBO Max. Go see it right now.

Stop the podcast, watch it, come back. I feel like I'm starting over and that's the worst feeling is building again. It feels awful. I hate it.

I'm bombing. But good feeling, right? I hate it. Really, Beth? Yeah. But sometimes when I am seeing bigger comics, it's like they need a jury

who's never seen them before. Because the shit that they are saying is, like I know, like again, they could be working it out. But sometimes I'm just like, that is because people know your cadence and how you talk and they like you and they know you. Do you want me to say his name? Pros and cons. Do you want me to say the guy you're talking about's name? On three. One, two, three.

Andy Dick. Oh, my God! That was... I was searching for a good name, and then I thought, I'll still end up saying a name that I regret saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Immediately. I was like, I'm going to say a name of someone that I'm up here with,

and be like, well, that was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. Bleeped it out. Yeah. But that is a pro and a con. I remember Hannibal was out of Chicago and we all looked up to him and he got Craig Ferguson

first. We just were cheering him on for years before. And then I remember one of my earliest years out here in LA. And by the way, it was well deserved. We were at Meltdown, which was one of the most fun shows in the back of a comic book shop out here. Oh yeah, rest in peace.

I think he just said one sentence and he was like, I rented a car. And just people started exploding with laughter. And it was magical. I wasn't angry, I wasn't, you know what I'm saying? But it was just like, he's like, I rented a car. However he says it. Say, I rented a car.

Yeah, and everyone's like, ahhhh. But I guess maybe you would be angry if you were bitter or something. But like, I love seeing that. Yeah. Because people were like, enjoying his essence and who he is. And that's a beautiful thing. Yeah. But then, again, pros and cons to that. Because you lose your edge and you need, what I'm saying, a jury.

You also, there is someone that I'm thinking about that started to become more of a prophet on stage and more like, and that's okay. But he's never going to get accused of giving a TED Talk where someone who's unknown and saying the same shit would. What is this, a TED Talk? He's like, oh, let's have him say it. For four hours. Good God. I never understood that when comics did four hour sets I was like you holding them hostage horrible

these poor people there's two types of comics I think it's the ones who show up to Dangerfield 3's or whatever and there's six people I'm sorry

let me rephrase there's two people two and they're like should we do the show and I'm like nah I'm gonna get out of here and there's comics

where like let's do it and I'm like seek treatment don't you guys have anything to do isn't there somewhere to go? Oh, my God.

No, they're like, this is home. This is my place. Yeah. No, I think, and I'm not being mean. I just think that, like, you kind of need, you know, we all need to continue to be humble or get humbled as we go. I feel like I am right now, just rebuilding. But that's not, no, you're right.

It is like you need that. And if you don't have that at all, dangerous. Because then I think you're going to get into a place when no one will tell you that the stuff that you're saying is not funny. I know. But people will laugh. Isn't that interesting? Well, that's why. Did you ever read Steve Martin's book or no?

I did. I loved it. And when he talked about it, he was like, people started coming for my material, but it just came from me. He's like, I got tired of that. I didn't like it that he was like, people started coming for my material, but it just came for me. He's like, no, I got tired of that. I didn't like it that people were like, you know, King Tut. Yeah. And he was like, well, I give other stuff. I'm doing other stuff now.

Grow with me. And they didn't like it. Or they didn't want it, so to speak. And then he just decided, yeah, I got to go. I think it's smart. That was smart, though. Well, I mean, he inevitably took a better turn. It was like stand-up where he's like,

well, I'll just write and direct films and be that for the rest of my life, and I can make funny in those, and books and music. He's doing whatever he wants. I know, I'm such a dumb singular. Like stand-up, if it wasn't for stand-up. You're not singular.

You're great on your acting shows. Nah, but I mean, you know, it's fine. I just left Wills, my friend from high school, and he was like, oh, I know him. He's great on Dave. Well, that's nice, but it's not true. I just think it's one of those things where I just... I crack this over your head.

Do it. If it wasn't for comedy, what would you be doing? Where's Beth Stelling right now? I've thought about it, of course, because I had that lane to go in. I could have gotten married and... If you had gotten married and had a kid in Ohio... I would be doing funny marketing in Cincinnati.

And you'd be so good. Oh, my God. By the way, you're a marketing executive. Beth Stelling. And everybody in town in I would be doing funny marketing in Cincinnati and you'd be so good oh my god by the way you're a marketing executive Beth Stelling and everybody in town in Cincinnati would be like

have you read some of Stelling's copy right and then Mark is like I'm reading it this stuff is gold I can't believe we're getting her

for the price that we're getting her for you know what I mean they're underpaying you like crazy but you're stoked because the dog is happy the two kids are happy

and I have a husband that loves me he's blind but he's a really good guy. He lost his vision. He lost his vision, but he's a sweet guy in that mill accident. And he works in the mill, doesn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. What would you be doing? Oh, my God, dude. Honestly, any time I talk about this, I always feel like I might be being diminutive but I'm not I understand what you mean because like if you say oh I do this job

it doesn't mean that it's the last thing it just means it's not like we have a no it means it's all I'm capable of extraordinary job it means I'm not good

at enough stuff to go I could just do that no I would probably be doing labor yeah because I know I can physically do labor yeah I'd be doing construction

which is hard of course yeah but I mean but I don't need to use my brain that I don't have. So it's like, it's good. As a guy who doesn't need to use their brain when they do stand-up, as you know, my stand-up's real trash. It is not. Garbage.

Stop. And because it's so bad, I'd be killing on the construction site, by the way. Big time. I'd be digging a hole, you know, and I'd go, I bet this one could go all the way to China. And they would lose it the whole site oh my god

what if he gets to China in that hole they would make you do the Monday night what was it called amateur night

at the comedy club oh yeah you'd somehow still be me and my construction buddies would go yeah but no

and I would do it once and they'd be like you should keep going I'm like come on dude I got the kids what are you talking about at this thick Chicago accent

nah you know Marsha's pregnant again, dude. Have you ever heard of a gander? We're nine kids. She's my wife. I can't understand that part. Nine. Nine.

No, yeah, that's. I have a, you'd think it's like generational or changing with time, but I have a friend who I think is maybe going on six or seven. Are they Mormons? No. Because Mormons are big into that still. But I, yeah, it's like you don't want to judge, but it's also like...

You do want to judge. Damn. What are you doing? Some people aren't even having kids because the doom and gloom of climate change in our world. Because we're going to die. Pretty soon.

Cross your fingers. It's coming. I think people that have too many kids, this is a rude opinion, and I'm sorry for some of the fans, but I think if you have too many kids, is a rude opinion and I'm sorry I have some of the fans but I think if you have too many kids right

more than five is too many fucking kids I think you're filling a void you're filling this weird gap you think this is gonna help cause there's no reason or I think I think about

well this is different cause it's a pet but I think yeah you're right I think there's something there yeah what are you missing that you need so many fucking look making a family

is important to people and and I understand it, and it's great. But having too many children seems irresponsible for some reason. Yeah, especially now. It's like my dad being obsessed with his dog, his wiener dog. It's like, oh yeah, it won't talk back to you and say something about your behavior.

And it will let you lick its lips and take it in the shower with you. Your dad takes the dog in the shower. One time I FaceTimed him, which is rare, and his wife handed him the phone while he's in the shower, and he's standing there with the dog under his arm. Why?

What's his excuse? Or his reasoning, I should say. He just loves the dog. No, but you don't need to do that. No. But does he wash it in there, or is that just to hang out? Yeah, he washes it in there, yeah. He does this all the time. And he, like you don't need to do that. No. But does he wash it in there or is that just to hang out? Yeah, he washes it in there, yeah. He does this all the time.

And he, like, wipes its butt and brushes its teeth. Yeah. He missed some time with us. Dad. Dad, there was a little bit of a gap when you could have been a dad. You're a dog dad now. No, you're a dog daddy. I guess that's okay.

Right, he's found some. But your mother is happy and healthy and who podcasts with you. And who is she funnier than you? She I would say so much of her humor comes from or her. For years, I use the word aloof wrong, actually, because I think it's her like obliviousness and naivete. Sort of like, oh, you know, that's aloof, though. But you know what? If you look up the word aloof, I feel like it's like there's a meanness to it.

There's a negative connotation? Yeah. Aloof probably means stupid. Yeah, that's what you mean. There's probably. Will you look it up? Yeah, there's probably aloof. When you were saying, what's your old jokes?

I thought of another one, and I chose the other one. Give it. My sisters used to say, like, Beth, you're going to find, because they're married. And I think I used to have some clever little line into it, like, I'm behind or something like that. And they're like, Beth, you're going to find, because they're married. And I think I used to have some clever little line into it, like, I'm behind or something like that. And they're like, Beth, you're going to find love when you least expect it. And I'm just tired of appearing aloof at all times. You know what I mean? But then I think I'm using it wrong.

No. Aloof means, well, this seems odd, but this is, Oxford says, not friendly or forthcoming. Cool and distant. Okay, cool and distant when you least expect it. So I guess the joke's still kind of comes up. How about this? Conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste. So there is a negative connotation.

Yes, yuck. Yeah, and my mom is not negative. She's all positive. Yeah, so she's... She's in Ohio. She's single. Oh, we're going to put her phone number right here, guys. If you can look right down below, that's Beth's mom's phone number.

My dad gave his cell phone on my Instagram page the other day. Why would he do that? Don't they pull it down? Oh, I don't know. Because somebody tweeted. I remember they, oh, Twitter does. If you put a phone number up there, they immediately pull it down. Interesting.

Well, because you could be. Oh, doxing happens on Twitter quite a bit. 100%. So you're like, oh, you can't just throw people's phone numbers up. That's crazy. But dad put it up there. Did he get some DMs or something? He's had people calling him.

He loves it. Is he getting some side D? Daddy getting some side D? He's just people coming out to see him while he's doing his characters on the street because he's a science spinner in Orlando. Is he really? He went out. He's been just promoting my special.

What's the cross streets that he's at? Wekiva and 434. Wekiva and 434. If you're in Orlando, get over there and say best-selling. He called yesterday like super guilty. Why? Because he was like, I didn't go out. I said I was going to go out.

I don't know. Tomorrow's the last day for Emmy nominations around voting. And why didn't he go out? He didn't give me a good excuse. Well, I'm a little pissed off at that. By the way, didn't give me a good excuse? Heard that before, Dad. Jesus Christ.

Do you want me to just sit on these steps all month, or when are you going to show up, pops? But that's the thing about my mom. She doesn't love seeing the videos of him on my Instagram. She hates him? She doesn't hate him. She doesn't like him at all. I would say doesn't like him at all, yeah.

Well, there's two kinds of divorces, as far as I'm concerned, from my personal experience and from my friends. You either... Hate's a strong word i understand yeah but you either have a strong dislike for the human being let's just say that where you're like i don't care if they're if they die because it doesn't matter to me anymore which should be fair if the guy outside dies across the way you know for i don't know him yeah i'm not saying i don't care but i don't care i'm like how could you connection yeah right so the same way so there's that divorce where you don't really care. I'm not saying I don't care, but I don't care. I'm like, how could you care? Right, so the same way.

So there's either that divorce where you don't really care about them anymore, where you're like, I hope they just live and life is theirs now. Or you are, some people say it's healthy. I don't, I'm still confused. Or you're kind of still friends. Yeah, that would be a tough one. I even tried to end, I guess it was maybe my last relationship before this. I did try to end it as friends.

It's hard. Yeah, I think that he just wasn't able to. I mean, I did the breaking up. I can understand pain and not wanting to talk to me. Time will maybe wrap that. My good buddy, who I just was with in Jersey, his parents got divorced, and they're friends again. And it just took some time.

I think time, too, right? Well, they also have kids together, and they're like again. And it just took some time. I think time too, right? Well, they also have kids together and they're like, there was no vitriol hate. It was just like... Which is good because that's the scariest part to me about marriage is quite frankly the inevitable turn to vitriol. It's basically like you're building a case against, you know, every single thing about them.

Yeah. And then you can, if you're... And then you do go to a court. If you're mad or evil or whatever you are or your feelings change, you can truly use it against them. Yeah. You go to a court and you go to your honor. It's like if you're like, hey, I've been thinking about taking my life and I was there for you. We're married.

We have kids. And then it's time for the divorce. And I'm like, I don't think he can have the kids because he wants to kill himself. And you're like, that's horrible of you to say. I've just seen it. I mean, that's not a specific example, to kill himself. And you're like, I said that one time. That's horrible of you to say. Like the things that people, I've just seen it. So that, I mean,

that's not a specific example to be honest, but I just think you have an awful thing for someone to do to somebody else. And it's like, you shared that with me. I care about you. You're fine. You figured it out. But in a court of law,

I'm going to use it against you so you can't see your kids. Like that person who I'm speaking of in a different example is dead to me forever until they like show marked change or apologize to me and my family. But even still they won't. Yeah I'm just like you're that shows who you are.

Yeah. You can't do that to somebody that's crazy. That's angles man. People have people do that all the time. But that's why I think one reason I don't want

to get married is just the inevitable I know that sounds so dark but it's just like I don't want to deal with that. I think just have a relationship as long as you can and love each other. Marriage should be like athletic contracts. I feel like you should be like a five year and then you re-sign again at five. I think that's smart.

Yeah, seriously. I think it should be like one of those things where you're like. It's the hardest part is letting go. Is it not? I mean, I have trouble letting go of people I know I don't want to date anymore because I care for them. And well, cause you're still a human. The idea that because you aren't like, you know, like when friends get divorced, I have a lot of friends that get divorced and whatever and, and get married. And you're like, when they do get divorced, I always go, well, there's this assumption that like the, it all fell apart. And you're like, sometimes people just don't, aren't working and that's just okay. Right. That's a thing that happens. Or in other other cases, it is toxic as shit

and people need to stop. But either way, there's always, for some reason, there's always an assumption that you're like, ooh, what kind of crazy shit happened? Yeah.

Like sometimes... Sometimes it just fizzled. Stops. Yeah. It's so hard, I think, to let go. My sister, my middle sister loves to get married.

How many times? She won't stop. Three. Girl. Once in the quarantine and I was like, where's the fire? Three times? In some ways, it's admirable right because you think it is difficult to be no no she's not an admirable oh it's admirable because you're like it's hard to be

vulnerable like that yes and trust again and put yourself out there and believe in someone again yeah that's true but But. Not for her. She's pretty good. She's good at it. Well, how many kids? Four. Two, two? Two, one, one.

Two, one, one. Everybody loves a two, one, one. Spread it out. A two, one, one. A two, one, one. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just sort of like, yeah. So she has a couple of different varieties of kids and it's, to me, truly no judgment.

I love my sister no matter what we had the type of relationship where i would say like oh um my boyfriend did this something bad and disrespectful and i'd be like and i hate it and i should leave him she's like yeah you should and then the next call i'm like we're back together she's like yeah yeah like i will never judge you because i'm just here for you to listen and And I'm going to tell you what I think, which is definitely leave him. Right. But you should never be scared to tell me that you went back. Sure.

I know that sounds demented, but. No, what do you mean? You're human. You shouldn't lose humans or relationships because they're sick of your shit. Like, you got to figure it out for yourself. I mean, dude, do you not? I mean, I have this with your own family, like your parents where you're like, I still love them. But there's days when you're like, I still love them.

But there's days when you're like, I'm going to show them the news of the most annoying people I've ever heard. I don't like you as people. It's blood and I can't stand you. It's weird that you feel that way sometimes. And then it washes away when you realize, dude, I listened to a car. I was driving my parents back from, we drove up to Carmel and Pebble and all that stuff. And I was listening like this cheesy stupid like it's a dude it's a terrible song it's like a song a singer songwriter

song from like a coffee shop where i'd walk in the coffee shop because i needed coffee and i'd leave because i'd be like i hate that shit but it came on and i almost started crying because I was like, I'm torn. I'm out of faith. This is how I feel. That's it. That was it. No, the song was, I don't remember, but what I was like, whatever. And then they were in the car and I almost started crying because I was like something about the moment of when you're annoyed with your family or whatever. But then you realize that you're like, well, I got them. Like I have a family and that's a cool thing. Sometimes thing. Sometimes in the past what's worked for me is I will just think of something extremely dark. Like, my mom will be dead one day, and my life will be ruined. No, she won't.

I say that to my mom all the time. Do you know that? She goes, well, we'll die. And I'm like, you're never going to die. I was like, you're never going to fucking die. Stop. Don't ever say that ever again. I've heard people who lose their parents say there's a before and after.

Like, you'll never be the same. But look at me in the face. They're never going to die. Okay. My mom's me in the face. They're never going to die. Okay, okay. My mom's never going to die. It's never going to happen. Not as far as I'm concerned. I know it's gross to think,

but I'm like, this is gross and selfish and weird, but like, I'm also like, I'd want to die first so I don't have to know that she dies. Because I'm like, I don't ever want to see her die.

I've said that before. Just let me die first so I don't have to know she dies. And my mom will be like, Beth, no. Well, because they've lived lives and they always say that thing where they're like we we already did it we're done i wonder sometimes what's next for my mom because she is like she's been single since i was 18 and wait seriously beautiful 20 years and i think i'm not 30 a little younger than that how old are you 36? 36. Okay, Beth, 18 years. I mean, fuck off, dude.

It's round up. Round up. I'm 37. I'll be 38, okay? Don't, don't, don't. Are you scared of 40? No. Your career's great.

You look great. You feel great. Your friendship circle's great. Your hair's great. What do you need? Be 40. Say, I'm Beth Stelling and I'm 40. I'm Beth Stelling and i'm not 40 yet

but someday i will be and i'm not scared of it why is 40 a thing with women i don't think it is it is okay but also i date younger yeah and sometimes that feels i got so hot i was looking for a fan yeah there was no fan are you really that hot i don't know i think it's that hot for me what happened did i talk about something I think the lights are brighter. Over there? No, they just got brighter. They got brighter? Yeah.

We did. How's my hair now? Stevie, did you turn off the lights? There's nobody here. Nobody here. Your hair looks good. No, listen. Let's go back.

Let's go back. Let's back it up. I think I'm hot. You do have thick hair, man. You got great, great hair. It's kind of a redness. Your mom's not going to die. It's never going to happen. You pulling out all your hair?

That's good. To the side is good. Beth. Let's fix your... Beth is going to fix her hair for one second. Shake it out. Pull it back. Are you naturally curly?

Yeah, but I have too much product in it right now. Yeah. Too much Prada in it? Yeah, product. Damn, you product in it right now. Yeah. Too much Prada in it? Yeah, product. Damn, you're fancy. Prada. You look great. Just relax.

Over? Yeah, over. Let's see it. No, other way. You look like high school. That's like a high school hairdo. Okay, it's so special to not be able to see what I look like. You're fine.

Okay. That looks good. Now put it on. This is a headphone dilemma. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Don't do anything else. All right, well, that's the show. I got the hot flash.

Yeah, why did you get a hot flash? I don't know. I'm not even 40 yet. Are you pregnant? I hope not. Wait, what if you are? I mean, we've been trying, but I'm on birth control. So how are you trying?

That's an old joke of mine. My boyfriend and I have been trying and trying and trying, but I'm on birth control. So how are you trying? It's an old joke of mine. My boyfriend and I have been trying and trying and trying, but I'm on birth control. It's a cool joke. But you're an anal queen. You've said that to me multiple times. There's no... Shit falls out of my head.

Yeah, man. Come on. Back door only, baby. We don't use the front over here. What are you doing, man? Get back there. No, I am on birth control. I should be good.

Do you do the one that goes in and did like the machine? I did until I found out that I have a bicorn at uterus explain What could that be? Okay, so Hey, I'm so yeah, you did get hot. I don't know why I don't know either. That's alright Okay, I think you're having too much fun. Okay, that might be it. Yeah, and the booze might be maybe a little hot There's no way. I don't know.

Do I make me that hot? I mean, you don't look that. I don't think the viewers can know that you're hot. I'm ready to answer the question. Okay. I feel cooler. It could be the dress. I just need to get some air in.

Can I be honest with you? I look like a third grade teacher? No, but it is the dress. It's probably a lot of fabric. It's holding it in. Yeah, we should have worn something more comfortable. I'm wearing this dress because I thought it was going to be hot and boxer shorts. Boxers.

That's what it is. Don't wear boxers. Women's boxers. I know, but that two fabrics on top of each other is what's going on. I'm not wearing any underwear. I never do. Really? Stopped wearing them a long time ago.

Pre-pandemic. I never wear undies anymore. Have you noticed a mark change in your balls? Stangling longer? They are a little bit longer. Just curious. But also, I don't care. Yeah. What do I need short balls for? As long as they're not in the balls. Dangling longer? They are a little bit longer. Just curious. But also, I don't care. Yeah.

What do I need short balls for? As long as they're not in the toilet. They are. I've had to pull them back. It's nuts. When they get sucked in, I got to yank them back as hard as I can. No, but honestly, why do you need short balls anyway? You don't.

But answer my question. Okay, bicornate uterus. Bicornate. Wait, say it slowly. Bicornate. Bicornate. Bicornate uterus. Bicornate uterus. But answer my question. Okay, bicornuate uterus. Bicornuate. Wait, say it slowly. Bicornuate. Bicornuate. Bicornuate uterus. Bicornuate uterus.

Thank you. Yes. I have Googled it. Essentially, it means I have a heart-shaped uterus, which is so neat. How cute. And I have an arrow-shaped penis. It's perfect. Right through.

Maybe we should. Okay. So. So, wait a minute. It's a perfect-shaped heart uterus. Yeah. Now. So, but before that. Sorry, I. So wait a minute. It's a perfect shape heart uterus. Yeah, now, but before that, sorry, I'm thinking in joke terms. Maybe nine years ago, I was told I had a tilted uterus. Oh, at lean in.

It's on that lean. And the joke I told on Conan was like, oh, so you're telling me even my uterus is like, eh. But then I had the AUD forever, got it removed. I thought I'm going to, because I was had the IUD forever, got it removed. I thought I'm going to, because I was trying to clear my acne, and it worked for a long time, and then I started breaking out.

Who cares? Yank it out. And I said, you know what? That didn't help. I just get another IUD. I'll just get another IUD. Grab me another IUD.

Shove another one up here. Go ahead. And the woman, my new guy I know out here, said, that's not going to work for you. And I'm like, well, it worked for seven years.

She's like, no, because they did an ultrasound. You have a bicorner uterus. And I was like, what do you mean? She's saying, if the IUD moved to this chamber or this chamber, I could have gotten pregnant in the other chamber. Whoa. So for seven years, I was just. That thing was just like. Please.

Please, no. I'm working so hard all the time how many guys are swimming up here this is insane wow so now you can't do that

700 shots on goal all rejected the best goalie of all time so do you so now I take oh a pill god yeah

which is so crazy to do at my age like to start the pill in October I was on Yaz and I became a different person. Well, why don't you do no pill and get the thing that you can do in the morning, the Japanese thing. You take your temperature every day and it tells you your high days and your low days and all that. Do you not know this machine?

It's incredible. I need to get that. Yeah, you should get it. It's called the Daisy. Okay. But honestly. Because I currently am battling now. I mean, I had a really rough fall with the birth control.

I was trying to clear out my face. I didn't want to get pregnant. And I was having a partner. So I was just like, excuse me, dealing with truly, it sucked. Birth control is wild.

Did you move changes and all that stuff? I walked by this place on Bronson Canyon and I'm like, that's where I scream cried to my sister. I mean, like, ugh. Like, it was awful. And these are things, like, thousands, hundreds of thousands of women are taking. Yeah, people don't know.

It's really bad for you. Yeah, so then I change, and it's better. Right. I like being in touch with my emotions. I think it's messing with my, yeah, just regulation of them. Do you think men would take a birth control if it came out and was available? Of course. I feel like that happened and there was a bunch of jokes going.

Oh, Cara Clank had a great joke about it. She's like, oh, you want my husband to remember to take the pill every night? He didn't even know his pajamas were glow-in-the-dark. Something like that. That's, I was about to say it's funny, but it's not. It's not that funny. She tells it better. No, no, it's good.

It was something like, she's like, oh, that's glow-in-the-. She tells it better. No, no, it's good. It was something like, she's like, oh, that's Glenn Durkin. I think men would, particularly if you told them about, I think men, okay, look. I was going to say that's not funny, but it's not.

Okay, I think men would. Men use condoms a lot in the fear of STD. If you put fear in men, they'll do something, right? If you say, women are done using birth control because we're sick of what's going on. I'm tired of the hormone changes, the weight gain, the da-da you say, if you say, women are done using birth control because we're sick of what's going

on. I'm tired of the hormone changes, the weight gain, the da-da-da, whatever, blah-blah-blah. Emotional instability. And if you say, we're not doing it anymore. So if you don't take the thing or put on a condom, it's over. Unfortunately, we're still stuck with it. Like, that's the thing that's stuck. Sucks. Yeah. I always, again. Well, we should make a colony

for you. We should make a little island for you guys to be on. That's the thing that sucks. It's like, even if I did put my foot down, I'm still stuck with it. Men, like, again. Well, we should make a colony for you. We should make a little island for you guys to be on. That's the thing that sucks. It's like, even if I did put my foot down, I'm still stuck with it. Men, like, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna joke about it. Men are garbage, but women are the can. You sure are. We're stuck. But you're the can, but you're the New York graded can one,

because shit still falls out the side, you know? You guys are garbage, but you only retain what you need to retain. We keep the big stuff. Yeah, you do. And let the liquid slide. You let the little stuff go. But the little stuff is nearby, so don't fucking tempt me. What's your oldest grudge?

Ooh. You don't have to mention a name or anything like that, but you can just mention a scenario. There's a couple girls who are younger than me in Chicago by like, I don't even know, a year or two, who started after me, basically. Lisa Traeger. I've started just darting out names I know from Chicago. or two who started after me basically Lisa Traeger

I've started just darting out names I know from Chicago and they just were like weird mean girls to me I'm like I'm older than you

but why mean in what way stuff would just get back to me like Beth's I can't wait for Beth to leave oh really

to LA so we can take her place what a backhanded compliment but that means I can't wait for you to continue your success I can't wait for you to continue your success. I can't wait for you to get that.

Yeah, that's like. I was texting another comic about, this is what got her friend up in arms. Who's her? Oh, we're not mentioning who it is? Okay. There was a situation where a comic and I, we liked each other. We had affinity for each other.

Never kissed, but we would hang out a lot. He kind of wanted something to happen. I had a boyfriend at the time who was a civilian and I had made a rule hard and fast when i first started seeing up that i wouldn't date another comic that i wouldn't repeat a joke and then i wouldn't take a notebook on stage man you've broken all those rules a time and time and time again but at the time i hadn't broken the first ones and um and then you know kind of shot a I was like, nah. And then he dated this other girl, her friend. And at a roast, one of the other comics said,

I watched your stand-up like Danny fucks you. Closed my eyes and wish it was Beth Stelling. Oh, man. That's so good. So mean. So good. So that's the oldest grudge. That person doesn't like me.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I get that. But nothing happened. Like, he's like, what happened? Nothing. Just a mean joke. Feelings happen. Feelings, you're right.

I mean, you can't deny that. No, feelings happen. Hurt. But that still exists. So when you turn up dead, I'll know. I'll go, I know where this happened. I know where this stemmed from. But it's like, how is that still real?

I'm cordial to the person. I've seen them. Doesn't matter. And it's just like, she interrupts. Like, I was talking to someone, and I saw her at a picnic recently or like a friend's gathering. And she just came over and interrupted and took the person from me. And I'm like, okay. Ugh, weird.

I'm sorry, but you're a grown woman, and I hope you find happiness. We're getting too old for that stuff. That's crazy. It's not so wild and so cruel. It's just like, babe. Grow up. It's okay. You gotta grow up.

I'm gonna see her again. A lot. She's my friend. Yeah, that's weird. I mean, the other girl that she cut off. I'm just sort of like, okay, bye. Yeah, but that, you know, I don't, with comics, I mean, well. You have a friend?

Well, I I don't, with comics, I mean, well. You have a friend? I honestly don't. I mean, I have friendships that ended over the years from people that I just thought weren't good for me anymore or whatever. And they probably hate me. But it's more just because I was like, I don't really want to fuck with you anymore. It was more like, ah. Almost like protection of yourself? Just because I just didn't think't think like that the friendship was, you know, like there's, there's, there's someone that I know that, um,

whenever he hits me up, it gets pretty disingenuous and stuff. And I just can tell. I have, I, I can understand what you're saying. I've, and it was never, it wasn't a moment in time that like I held a grudge from specifically, but it was always, but it was a few moments that I've kind of collected over the years that I've gone, oh, you're not my fucking friend. Yeah, I get that. You're not even like, you're not even an acquaintance. You just know that like I'm available sometimes for you because we have history. That's kind of how I feel about certain people.

And I go, this is bogus. On the beginning ends of that, I've had people sort of like, let's be friends or whatever. And it's sort of like, I'm picking up vibes that this might not be like a symbiotic relationship. I'm going to keep you at an arm's length. I'm not rude to you. Right. That's okay.

You're just being cordial at some point. Right? I mean, although Nikki Glaser had said to me, which was interesting because I've never taken advice from someone like her. I mean, you know, she's, you know, what am I going to do? Anyway, no, but Nikki, I know, I love Nikki. But she said to me, she goes, she's trying to live more truthful. And she started now to, she says if there's people in comedy that she doesn't get along with or whatever,

and they see each other, she just tries now to not fake the thing. And I said, well, you've been doing that for years? And she said, yeah, I have. She's like, I'm trying to not fake the thing and I said well you've been doing that for years and she said yeah I have she's like I'm gonna I'm trying to not fake the thing hard to break yeah to go you know look I know there's people I I certainly didn't stand didn't stand on that because like there's probably people I'll see tonight or tomorrow that of comics people that I don't like that I just go hey yeah I don't care I I don't care enough to be honest about the fact that I'm not a fan I know it's hard that is really hard to do and it's sort of I guess you just weigh the lies are okay you weigh it because I'm okay with being like or what does it result in the

conversation oh what did I do that I don't want to have is like if the person's like oh you just changed what did I do and it's like oh you've just been yourself for the last 10 years and i was faking it it's so weird yeah well what's the alternative is to is is that you well then you you you tell them everything you need to tell them and it still doesn't help so you're in the same weird place so it's just i you know but think about it too there's people who do stuff on stage that you're just, either like you're saying, you're not a fan of, or is like detrimental or problematic or whatever it is. You're just like, ooh, that's not helping. Or annoying.

Yeah. And that happens. I don't know. Well, in my opinion, I'm not going to go up to them and be like, I'm not cool with you anymore. I'm just going to just continue to exist. By the way, that's what my dad said one time. He was like, the idea that you're going to like everyone you work with is

insane. Yeah. Because my dad was like, the amount of people that he worked with that he hated, he was like, what do you mean? You think you're going to work with fucking all your, we're all co-workers. You think all your co-workers are going to get along with? Walk into any office. You're right. Are they all buds? You know, is everyone chumming? No, of course not. There's a few people in the office that you're like, fuck Steve. He's annoying. He ruins the thing. Yeah, that happens.

But you just have to show up to work and work and go, hey, Steve, and then keep moving along. Yeah, be cordial but not be, yeah. I feel like that's better. No, what am I trying to say? My mom has a great saying and I can't remember it. Do an impression of your mom again. She's like, oh, fuck. What did she say? My mom has a great saying, and I can't remember it. Do an impression of your mom again. She's like, oh, fuck. What did she say?

Something like, cordial? I love when you do your mom. Just do your mom. Just be cordial, but not friendly. Friendly, but not something like that. Friendly, but not friend. She's so soft, your mom. She is lovely.

Why is she so soft? Why does she have that? She's airy? Yeah, she... I know it's my mom, so I'm going to be biased, but I just have always felt like she's like an angel. Yeah, she's soft. I would go up to...

She would take a little nap after work. She was a teacher, a music teacher, and I would come home from school, run upstairs to her bed, and lay, you know, probably in her arm or something, and look up at her nostrils, and they're heart-shaped. Shut up. Like your uterus.

Yeah, runs in the fam. A lot of heart there. Yeah. And you would make sure her chest was... that her chest was, yeah, run the fam. A lot of heart there. Yeah. And you would make sure her chest was? Still moving. Oh, mom, don't die. Yeah, basically. The whole time, just don't die, don't die, don't die, don't die.

But also, well, you can say I'm wrong, and this is annoying to ask you this, but you feel like a kid, you feel like when you were a kid, you would kiss your mom on the lips. Yeah. You did. But it was always very tight-lipped. But I know, but you did, didn't you? I did.

I know there's two kinds of kids. But there wasn't, and now we don't, and now it would be weird, actually. No, no, no, I'm just saying. Yeah. When some kids kiss mom on the mouth, yo, that's it. Really tight.

Yeah, no. Although, again, I'm thinking of old jokes because you made me. I do have a joke. My mom was my first kiss. I mean, I think I watched Far and Away, and I was like, I'm going to try that. And my mom went to tuck me in, and she goes to give me a kiss, and then I held her head up against my head for a while, and she's like, Beth, what was that?

And then I was like. Pretending to sleep. Same thing I did when I shaved my legs way too early. She's like, shave your legs, and I was like. Does that work? She just leaves? Pretending to sleep. Same thing I did when I shaved my legs way too early. She's like, shave your legs. And I was like. Does that work? She just leaves?

I was in the top bunk. So she had to stand on my chair. Path. Good night. Did you ever use Nair? My sister used to use Nair. I wish. I used a freaking daisy razor at the bottom of my ankle.

No water or shaving cream. Why? Torture? I don't know. What are you, a masochist? No, I'm a dum-dum. Yeah. My sisters came in and were like, unlock the door. When you had sisters and nobody helped?

I was too young. I was like, I saw them doing it, and I was in second grade, and I locked myself in there. And then when you do something bad like that as a kid, you're like, oh, no, I'm in trouble. Instead of like seeking help. Free bleeding out. Bleeding in the tub? Oh, my God. And then I just had like a hairy leg

with just this much of hair gone. Chunk missing. And skin. Skin and like this much of hair. I love that image. My sister used to use dare. Look it up. It's funny that she's still my little sister.

I mean, she's 30. Yeah. But I'm like saying this thinking she'll probably hear this and then go, and then be like, my instinct is to her, she would be like, Andrew, why would you say that? But I'm like, no, she's 30 now. and then go and then be like my instinct is hurt she would be like andrew why would you say that but i'm like no she's 30 now she doesn't

care i know but i still feel that vibe because she used to be get mad at me for saying but she used to use nair and the smell of nair anybody knows nair it's like hot burn it's burning hair yes and it's also like um sulfury or something yes it's like eggy factory it's like egg fart factory and it also mixed with like soap from the tub and shit but i remember going into our And it's also like Sulfury or something Yes it's like Eggie factory It's like egg fart factory And it also mixed with Like soap from the tub And shit But I remember going

Into our bathroom We shared a bath And I was always like I could tell when she Started doing it But she was so embarrassed Because I'm Yeah

I'm eight years older We didn't help each other Well I'm eight years older So it's also The gap was hard So it wasn't like We were close in age So I was older

And I'd go in And she hated That I knew That she was doing Anything too girly and then i would smell it and like an asshole brother i'd be like oh you're putting that coop on your legs you're like a jerk she's like shut up you know she hated that i but i but the thing that stood out the most was the stink was so strong that like you know how like if you had too much of a booze and you smell that smell or that kind of chemical-y thing

it's like makes me nauseous I bet because I would shower with it I would say most women don't use that like your wife probably just shaves or waxes or gets lasers

hair no never shaves her never hair nothing she keeps it all there hair no

always all the hair are you being real I want all the hair who's a real feminist Beth razors made by men

pigs I say more hair the better no laser she does laser yeah I need to get my legs lasered

because I'm just sick of it well let's right here there's a link below called laserbeth.com go to laserbeth.com and please donate to laserbeth

go fund me laserbeth.com by the way laserbeth is a great name for a special. Laser Beth. Crystal Beth. Is that your stripper name?

Beth Metal. What's your stripper name? Is it like Pootie Monterey? My first animal in my street? In your street. Yeah, Pootie Monterey. Pretty strong. That's hot.

Pootie Monterey? Yeah. Your dog's name was Pootie? Cat. And its full name was Poodles, but we called it Pootie. So you? Yeah. Your dog's name was Poodie? Cat. And its full name was Poodles, but we called it Poodie. So you named a cat a dog breed. Poodles. And then it turned into a fart nickname.

I get it. It's all making sense. Poodie. I never had a pet as a kid because my parents were evil. No. But also you're a city kid. Yeah, but I have one now. It's called Cubby.

That's her name. Oh, wait. Have I ever seen a pet? My little puppuccino. Oh. Well, she's got her eyes covered because she's in the witness protection program. I can't have you see her eyes. I'm sorry.

No, Cubber. That's the Cubster. So mine would be, mine would be, wait, you're. Well, Cubby. Wait, but it's your street name? Is that what it is? I think it's your first pet and your street name, childhood street name. Okay, so it'd be Cubby Dearborn.

You were on Dearborn. Cubby Dearborn. Pretty cool. Was it cool to be on Dearborn? It's a great street. Yeah, it was actually. You know? It was behind the Viagra Triangle.

People that don't know, in Chicago, that's an area where old men- I almost got a job at, was it- Gibson's? It might have been Gibson's. Frog Bark? Hugo's was over there? What else was over there? Big Bull used to be over there.

Lou Malnati's. I got sick from Big Bull one time and barfed to the top of the Hancock Tower on my mom's 60th birthday. Pound it. Wow. What a cool moment. I rode right up to the top like this. It was shooting up the elevator.

I was sinking into the corner and my sister Hannah ran with me to the bathroom and held my hair back while I Big Bullbowled everything into the toilet. Big-bowled does seem like a place that puts too much together that you would get sick. So Hancock Tower, you puked? Top of it. Wow. What's it called now? Didn't they change it?

Oh, you're right, Willis. No, no, no. Let's not even acknowledge that. Willis is Sears. It better be Hancock still. But you know what they just changed? They just changed Lakeshore Drive. No.

Swear to God. To what? Swear to God. To what? Swear to God. The guy who... Barack Obama. Barack Obama. I keep forgetting his name, that man. The guy who...

No. They changed it to the guy, one of the guys who founded Chicago. Truthfully, he's all over the city. Daly. No, no, no. Mayor Daly. No, this is like one of the original guys

that settled Chicago why would they change now unless Lakeshore Drive Lakeshore Drive didn't hurt anybody changed to it did though

oh hey so Lakeshore Theater was one of my first formative experiences opening for someone look at that hold on finish that story

in one second renamed to honor the black settler Chicago by the way people don't know was settled by a black man. You see it all over. Oh, I love this, actually.

Jean Baptiste Pointe du Sable. You know du Sable. You see du Sable all over. I love this. They have the library. I'm down for this. Do you not know du Sable, by the way? It's all over Chicago.

You've seen this name. Look at how I say it wrong. Du Sable. There's a street. I haven't seen that. They have a library at du Sable. They have a school. They have a... Anyway, du S they have a school they have a anyway

DuSable is all over Chicago but I didn't know what it was I'm happy to see this this is a black settler here you go Chicago City Council voted Friday to change the name of Lakeshore Drive

to the name of a black man recognized as a key settler of the city he was the original key settler so they say there were others but he was from Haiti

Haitians shout out whoop whoop and he had a successful trading post in the 1700s he died in 1818 he died at a young 90 years old uh he died oh that's a long time to live he was incorporated in town and it was chicago was incorporated in 1833 four years later anyway uh i'm rambling i'm rambling but isn't that isn't that wild that they disable getting his own street disable out here getting his own street in

this bitch i have a newer bit about that, because Dayton is the birthplace of aviation. Is it really? Well, Wilbur and Orville Wright have a house there. Their house is close to a high school. But they were North Carolina kids. They built the airplane in Dayton, right? Then they took it to Kitty Hawk,

North Carolina, to fly it for beach, wind, the conditions. That's why North Carolina's license plates say first in flight and ours say birthplace of aviation. It's a real war. You say that on your plates? Ours say birthplace of aviation. I didn't know that.

But they also had a bicycle shop. Anyway, my point being, I have a new joke that I've been trying to work out, and it's fine. But it's along the line. It's just I'm saying all the firsts, like, we have to you shouldn't, we have to redo them. Were you really first if you're the only one allowed to do it?

Oh, that's interesting. You know what I mean? Yeah, or, or by the way, who, who'd you steal it from? That's what it should be called. Who'd you steal that from?

Like, remember when you were a kid, well, when I was a kid in Illinois, we'd go to the first McDonald's, the first McDonald's. You know where the real one is? Where? Here. In LA?

San Bernardino, dude. Wow. McDonald's, Ray Kroc stole it. Because we're talking about the one downtown on, No, no, no, no, no, McDonald's was out, dude. Wow. McDonald's. Ray Kroc stole it. Because we're talking about the one downtown. No, no, no, no, no. McDonald's was out. Not Rock and Roll McDonald's.

No, no, no, right. No, but God bless. I think that's gone. Somebody told me that's gone. No, the McDonald's is out in Illinois. Not Plainfield. Anyway, it's out. Okay.

But the original one is here in San Bernardino. The McDonald's brothers are farmers from California. Weird. Ray Kroc stole it. Can you imagine? Stole it, this fucking guy. Can you imagine the real McDonald's brothers going in and be like,

this is what it's become? They sold it for nothing, too. Poor bastards. The McDonald's kids, I'm friends with Marcus McDonald. Do you know him? He's a comic. No.

I'm kidding. It's insane. Heir to the McDonald's fortune, but his great-great-grandpa gave it up. Okay, the last thing I was going to say about Lakeshore Theater, which is now the Laugh Factory. Correct.

But one of my formative comedy experiences was opening for Mike DiStefano, who's passed now. Mike DiStefano? Oh, man. Yeah, but he was so great to me. His moth was one of the best moths of all time. Yeah, he was so great to me. I lived three or four blocks from the lake shore.

And I would go to Soup Bowl. What was it called? Soup. Box. Soup Box. And I went there for lunch, ran into him because he was probably staying nearby the theater. And he's like, let me get your lunch. And I was like blown away.

Wow. Because like, you know, that's a big deal when you don't have a ton of money. And he sat and talked with me for a little bit. And then he like blown away because like, you know, that's a big deal when you don't have a ton of money. And he sat and talked with me for a little bit and then he signed one of his books for me. It was just like a great, who was like the first

formative opening? Mine is definitely another beautiful story about one of the greatest comics like yours. So thanks for setting me up for disaster. No, your story is-

You're like Pauly Shore side splitters. He tried to fuck me. Tried? I let him I wanted more time on stage by the way

for people that don't know comic fans Mike DiStefano was and I say DiStefano because of Chris because of Chris I know it's

no no no but it is DiStefano you're right and DiStefano is Chris everyone knows Chris and he's and Chris is a Brooklyn

piece of shit but Mike DiStefano was a brilliant comedian. If you ever get a chance, go watch his Moth. The Moth. Go watch. Just do The Moth. He was so dynamic. Yeah.

And just to add to it, when we shot, we filmed Crashing season one. We were in a gas station on Long Island, I think it was. And we're talking. We're in between. I'm on set as a was. And we're talking, we're in between, I'm on set as a writer, and I hear this voice. I'm like, that sounds like Mike's voice. And I turn around,

and it looks like Mike's freaking face. And it's his brother. Oh. He just was like, are you guys sure you're closed? Because we shut down the whole gas station and he needed gas. Wow.

Did you say anything to him? Oh, of course. We have a picture. I put it on my Instagram years back. Wow. I was like, I knew your brother. He's one of the first people I opened for. And he was like, oh, my God.

That's crazy. His story, I don't want to give away the moth. Yeah. You can hear it, but his story is nuts. I'll give you, for anybody who wants to give us a hint, he died in a fist fight. It was one on 50. He fought 50 men and women. It was nuts.

He beat the shit out of everyone. The last person had a knife. He was very funny. Who was my first performer? I didn't have, you know, I've always kind of been this, I don't want to give myself credit and say I'm an enigma in this world, but I am to a degree that I didn't have a very traditional past. So, like, I don't, I headlined young.

I did punked, and I got to do, like, D rooms, C and D rooms. So I had, I've told this before, but Billy Gardell. Billy Gardell, I opened for them. I hosted for him. It was the first hosting job I ever had at Brea, Irvine, one of the down southers. And I was in the green room and he came in with like two of the dudes, like big, you know, Italian dudes.

And then, oh, what's wrong with me I see a oh my god this is so annoying I hate it when I do that anyway anyway but they all come in Jimmy Schubert

Jimmy Schubert Jimmy Schubert and Schubert comes in and he's like you know Schubert-ing around and I notice that I'm in the green room and they're all chumming it up

and so I get up immediately like fast and I get out and Billy grabs me by the arm and I was like oh fuck I like fucked this up already and then he's like where are you, and I get out, and Billy grabs me by the arm, and I was like, oh, fuck, I, like, fucked this up already, yeah, and then he's like, where are you going, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here, you know, it's your green, I'm gonna go stand in the back, so rare,

and then he was like, that behavior, he's like, what the fuck are you doing, what do you mean, this is your green room, too, and I was like, oh, so I'm gonna go, I was, like, still, like, this is a test, I was like, I'm not standing, so he was like, no, no, I was like, no, but I was just to go. I was like still like, this is a test. I was like, I'm not standing. So he was like, no, no. I was like, no, but I was just going to go pee. I was kidding. I was going to go pee. Lying, lying, lying.

Then I go pee and I never went back in there. And then after he did a set in between the first and second show, he came up to me and was like, why are you standing out here? And I was like, oh, I'm okay out here. I was like drinking a Coke in the corner. I was like, I'm fine. He was like, dude, come in the room, will you? So I finally did.

But it meant a lot that he kind of like took the time, because the other guys were kind of like, get the fuck out. Yeah, some, I've been in those scenarios too when I was opening where it's just like, why are you here? I mean, it sounds so cliche, and like what I had to deal with is nowhere near what some of the other women who came before me had to deal with, but truly people were saying stuff, why are you here? Oh, because you're a woman?

Like, some of the old Chicago guys would literally say that to me. And it's just like. Yeah, but then when you ripped harder than them, what did they say? Well, I actually bombed. It was the St. Charles Zanies. I was opening for. Never have done it. It was like a Christmas party.

I was kind of set up to fail. Oh. I'm not their fault. I mean, it just was drunk people. And I was new. I get it. I'm not their fault. I mean, it just was drunk people and I was new. I get it. I was opening for a really, Dobie Maxwell was so kind to me,

but it was his buddies that showed up and were so cruel to me and the host was so mean to me and stole a joke of mine. Really? And did it on the show. On the show?

And then mine bombed after. Who's the host? Vince Maranto. You know who the fuck you are. It was wild. Vince Maranto? I'm Maranto. Is he dead? I are it was wild Vince Maranto I'm Maranto

is he dead? I had to work with him since and I ended up headlining and I I still couldn't be mean to him years later yeah it's cause you have a good soul that's because you have a heart shaped

it was uterus uterus that's why but wow I mean that was wild to me that they said and did to me you're here because you're a woman

and you know Burt likes to headline him early and and not in a he didn't refer to Burt in like a, a sexual way of headlining them early. He just meant, like, because you're a... I don't even know. Novelty, I guess.

But they were just... But Dobie was not like that to me at all. He was always kind and, like, happy you're here and staying positive and you'll get better. That's nice. Yeah, but... I try my best. I don't bomb every show, but... You do. i read the reviews

beth bombs every show bbes it said bbs beth bombs every show in kilkenny who's this who's this lump of shit but what you were doing is rare because i've i've also had plenty of comics just like be in the green room talking really loud eating ordering food and i'm kind of like i don't need total peace but but I've clearly put off putting together what I want to talk about at the last minute. Yeah, but definitely what I do now is I have people that, I take someone with me now, and I make it very apparent that I'm like,

let's respect the rules of I'm about to perform type of shit. Yeah. I just kind of want a little bit of, if I'm having a good time and it's a party and it's like family and friends. You'll know. You can all feel it. Yeah. But if I'm sitting there in a book, like writing or whatever. Yeah, I've definitely had people like, as you're writing yourself, like, hey, what's

up? What are you doing? And I'm sort of like, don't make me a bitch. Yeah. Because I'm about to do, I have to go talk for 45 to an hour. The thing I'm writing in? Yeah. Just let me do that.

You see what I'm doing. And then talk to me after the show. Yeah. Also, don't talk to me after the show. Yeah. Also, don't talk to me after the show. Get the fuck out of here and never come back.

All right. I appreciate you being here. Yeah, we gotta go. And I know you have to go to your laser appointment. Lasers? You're doing two, right?

Two laser appointments? Three. Get Beth, laserbeth.com right here. Please promote. Please sign up. God, I was just going to say. Oh, do you have

come out music? Do you have walkout music? Do you prefer? What is it? Pretty Ugly by Tierra Whack. Wow. Every comic does. Do I need to do this? Every comic I know has a song. I didn't used to, but all the people I open for do, and it makes it very fun. Fuck, I need to do it. I usually just be like,

whatever. Yeah. I wish I could remember Sarah's right now. It just slipped me. it very fun. Fuck, I need to do it. I usually just be like, whatever. Yeah. I wish I could remember Sarah's right now. It just slipped me. It's fun. Sarah's. Silverman. I don't know her. Silverman's walk-up music has got to be.

She also ends on a great one that's very fun for everybody to dance to at the end. I can't believe I'm not. Wop? Is it wop? Sarah comes out to my neck, my back, eat my put. What a good song, by the way. I should come out to that. She comes out to, welcome, this is a farmhouse.

Just fish. Just strolls out. You know what? Actually, you know what I came out to in Addison, Dallas? I came out to, there's a country artist who I really like, and he hit me up on Instagram. He's like, dude, thanks for promoting me.

But he's like country and I don't really listen to country, but the song is hilarious. It's called Dick Down in Dallas. Oh, I know it. And he wrote a song about his girlfriend cheating on him. Yes, I know it.

It is funny. Oh, dude. And I hit him up. I go, dude, this, I go, no offense. It's so funny. I'm not a country fan. It's not my thing,

but I was like, what a great way to get back at you. Because she cheated on him with someone he knew, apparently. And so the whole song is, she's getting dick down in Dallas. She's getting, like, ass fucked in Austin. She's getting butt fucked in Boston. And his name's always- And it sounds good, too.

Oh, it sounds really good. I can't think of it, but I remember it. She's getting butt fucked in Boston. Yes. Dick down in something else. I can't think of it but I remember she's getting butt fucked in Boston yes dick down whatever it is but dick down in something dick down in Dallas

butt fucked in Boston triple weight in Tennessee whatever it is anyway that's what I came out to I gotta pick a new song you gotta help me you can text me

email me let me know what song you want me to come out to anywhere everywhere just tell me I'm going to Houston next

Boston I'm going to Houston next. Boston. I'm going to Boston. Everywhere. Speaking of which. I like What's the Difference. What's the difference? Dre and Eminem. Oh, what's the difference between me and you? Me and you. If I would do hip-hop because I'm a hip-hop head, my fans know this, I would

do old school. It would be like, and by the way, rest in peace Gift of Gab from Blackalicious, who died, who I won a talent competition imitating his ABCs. What? I did when I was in high school. That's really crazy. I didn't even talk about it on the last show, but yeah, Gift of Gab died from Blackalicious, who I absolutely love, is one of the best MCs. I would probably come out to like a tribe song. That's kind of, no, I don't know. Oh, I come out to like a tribe song. That's kind of cool. No, I don't know. Oh, I'd come out to Sean Price or like Big L

or just like an old school hip hop song that's hard as fuck. Yeah. Like a hard as fuck song. I get that. Because I'm not hard as fuck. But sometimes you have to like eight seconds in

because it like, it depends. Yeah, because it's a build up. Yeah, sometimes. All these bitches and all these hoes here's somebody here. Yeah.

So I guess that, I'll come out to that. I'm going to come out to you you ain't got to say too much. By looking at your eyes, I can tell you want to fuck. Oh, man. You ain't got to do your food. We're 40. Stop.

We're 40. We are 40. Beth, it's a pleasure to have you on the show. I'm happy that you came. How about let's do this. If you have dates, please tell them right now. Don't have any? Don't have any dates. Not touring. They're going to happen soon.

Maybe. You don't really care? I don't feel like touring. You don't need to. Fuck it. I'm sorry. What do you care? Yeah. Yeah. No dates, but please, please, please. I know we're a hot minute late because I was gone. We couldn't promote the special for when we wanted to promote it for. But it's okay. It's called Girl Daddy. But please just go watch

it right now on HBO Max. HBO Max is HBO Go. It's the new one, right? No clue. Isn't that funny, though? Why do they keep changing it? Leave it alone. I don't know.

It's HBO. If you have HBO, which is HBO Max, the online platform, which I hope you do, because if you have AT&T, it comes with AT&T, and if you don't know that, call AT&T. You know this? No. You get it for free. I'm an AT&T customer. I get HBO for free. I don't know that, call AT&T. You get, you know this? No. You get it for free.

I'm an AT&T customer. I get HBO for free. I don't pay for it. If you have AT&T, if you're an AT&T cell phone user, they'll give you HBO Max. You have no fucking excuse not to go watch Girl Daddy

on HBO Max and if you're not an AT&T customer who fucking cares, still get HBO and watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max. Best telling. You're the best.

We end the show the same way. You look into that camera, you say one word or one phrase. It's going to end the episode. This is going to cement you in Whiskey Ginger history. So make it count. That camera, one word. A phrase? One word or one phrase. Because sometimes I get people that go, I don't know a word. I don't want a word.

So I say, okay, say a phrase that you want to leave people with. But would you prefer a word or phrase? I'm thinking of two things. Okay that you want to leave people with. But would you prefer a word or phrase? I'm thinking of two things. Okay, you can do both. There's no rules in this fucking house. Wow, the word is evergreen. Ugh.

And the phrase is, in taste there is no argument. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.