Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bobby Kelly

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Returning to the show is one of our favorite guys in comedy, Bobby Kelly!! This episode was a blast. Sit back relax and watch these two pals beat each other up for an hour. #andrewsantino #bobbykelly #whiskeyginger #podcast ================================================ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT DISPLATE GET UP TO 33% OFF YOUR ORDER https://displate.com/whiskeyginger ROCKET MONEY Get Ride Of Useless Subscriptions! http://rocketmoney.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey ME UNDIES 25% OFF YOUR ORDER PLUS FREE SHIPPING! http://meundies.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome to the show. Welcome back to the show. Welcome to the show. Like it, subscribe it, pass it around, give it to a friend, let them know what's up. Bobby Kelly's on the show today. Robert E. Kelly. Robert Elizabeth Kelly, that's his full and legal name. Go see him. He's so funny. Bobby Kelly's one of my sweetest pals. I love him to death. They got cigar smoking, weirdo. And go see me. I'm doing a club run to do my new jokes for my new hour. I'm just doing a couple of clubs. I'll do theaters down the road, maybe at the end of the year. But I'm in Houston, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, San Francisco.

That's it. Houston, Europe first, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, and then San Francisco. Tickets are sold out on a bunch of different shows, so go get those right now at andrewsantino.com. Go to andrewsantino.com. Enough rambling from the old red-boned beardy boy. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean him once again today. It's the return of Robert Kelly. R.P. Kelly. Okay, let me tell you something.

First of all, you're wearing municipal sneakers I saw outside. Those are Mark Wahlberg shoes. This is his brand. You also lost a little bit of weight since last time I saw you. Congratulations. Have I? Well, you avoided seeing me when I was in New York three weeks ago. No, I did not.

Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. I tried to see you. You made it way tough on yourself. Oh, that's such a lie. I tried to see you made it tough on yourself. That is a lie. No.

No. Oh, you've learned so much living here. Let me tell you something, pal. You've learned so much. First of all. Let me tell you something. Who's more Hollywood than you? You're the one that shot.

I have a shoot today. I'm staying up at the so-and-so hotel. I'll be eating breakfast and then meeting with some Hollywood executives. That's you. You canceled last night because I was there. You know why I canceled? Yeah, because I was there. No, do you know really why I canceled?

Because my cat got hit by a car. Are you happy now? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. Are you happy? I'm not happy. Are you happy now? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. Are you happy? I'm not. Are you laughing at me? I'm not laughing.

My cat got hit by a car. Don't. I'm not. Don't. I'm not. My cat got hit by a car. Let me say, stop it. That's not funny.

It's not funny. Open your eyes and look at me when I say it. Just give me one second just to get it together. Okay. What happened? I canceled last night because my cat got hit by a car. It's so funny. I don't have a cat.

I don't have a cat. Oh, yeah, dude. But the idea of a cat getting hit by a car, why is that funnier than a dog? Because a dog, you go, oh, no. But a cat, you go, I don't know. A dog is just awesome. A cat is just like owning a squirrel. Who gives a shit?

Yeah, it's a little rat. Yeah. I mean, look, I like cats. I do. I know. I can tell. I like cats. There's a piece of you.

There's a little piece of a lesbian inside of you. That's why you like cats. Huge piece of me. Huge lesbian. There's a massive i want a suzuki truck so bad oh i do you need subaru no i want the suzuki you don't know about the suzuki you're like a japanese you know nothing about lesbians when that suzuki that's not true you know the jeep i will i'll be honest with you i thought that you were jessica kirsten that's

i thought that's who was coming today. Today? Yeah. Well, guess what? Hello. Also, I see something. Can I comment about this? What's going on?

I mean. Did you get a brand new timepiece on your wrist there? What? Show off, huh? What, the Sky Dweller? Wow, dude. The Sky Dweller? You're a big boy now, huh?

You're a big. I got Munises. You got on the Munis. I got the Munis. And you were in all black. You're very. I got some huh? You're a big... I got Munis's. You got on the Munis. I got the Munis. And you're in all black. You're very... I got some true classics. This is very L.A.

This is not L.A. This is. This is hip, cool L.A. This is not L.A., dude. Yes, it is. Not anymore. What is this? L.A. people are wearing weird shit, man.

What? Am I wearing weird shit? I'm wearing just slacks and... You know, you dress like a golf pro from the Midwest. Hell yeah. That's exactly what I wish I would be. That's your thing, dude. Well, I got... Because these are comfy. I like comfy shoes. They're a two pro from the Midwest. Hell yeah. That's exactly what I wish I would be. That's your thing, dude. Well, I got, because these are comfy.

I like comfy shoes. You're a two-color Pete. Two-color Pete. That's what you are. You're a two-color Pete. I got two colors at all times. And you're a one-color Paul. Black, white, yellow.

You don't wear a lot of colors. Look, I didn't say it as an insult. Don't make an insult. No, but two-color Pete does sound like an insult. Two-color, look it. White people like a couple colors. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

I like all the colors. Not at once. There's not one color person out there that I don't like. Whoa. What? You said white people only like a few colors. Yeah. Wearing pants and clothes. Not the people. I thought you were talking about people. No, no, no.

I'm so sorry. We only like one. I'm so sorry. Yeah, right here. Hello. No, we have to be careful because our skin tone, look, this is a bold leap, but it's just an accent. No, that's a very showbiz thing. Yeah.

You peacock with an ankle. Just an ankle sock. That's what you do. It's like two colors, pretty, you know, earth tones, and then pow. Boom. Bang. In a meeting, I go. Orange.

Whoa. Say that again? And then they go, oh, nothing. How much do you need? Yeah. 800 mil. Yeah. That's great.

I love those. So where did you get those? Oh, God. They shipped them to me. Who did? Zing Wang. Zing Wang? Zing Wang? It's a designer. Zing Wang. Those are Zing Wang those? Oh, God. They shipped them to me. Who did? Zing Wang. Zing Wang? It's a designer.

Zing Wang. Those are Zing Wangs? Yeah, these are Zing Wang. I didn't know that. Didn't Zing Wang just get a thing from Netflix? Yeah. Didn't they get a show, too? Zing Wang has a brand new show on Netflix.

A brand new show on Netflix. Are you on the road right now, by the way? What are you doing out here in L.A.? I don't even know why you're here. I'm going to tell you why I'm here. Please. My friend's niece, my other friend, Mike Calta's brother, John Calta, his niece got a scholarship. To UCLA.

No. To USC. No. Maybe. One of those UC somethings. UC Santa Barbara, UC San Diego, UC Davis, UC Berkeley, UC... You see these nuts. Hey! I don't know. Ac one of those yeah and she got a she won a grant one of the thing with her school she's making a document about her dad he quit his

job he's gonna start to stand up a little bit oh no what not for a career. Okay. What? I just, I guess my lifelong thing is your hobby, your throwaway hobby. No. And that's how I feel about you, too, because you don't take it serious. This is like a throwaway hobby to you. Why would I take this stupid thing serious? So he's going to do stand-up what?

Just as a bit? What do you got? I have a bubbly water. You didn't ask me for bubbly. You don't deserve bubbles. You brought your own coffee, and you said you wanted water. You said you wanted a cold, regular water. That didn't ask me for bubbly. You don't deserve bubbles. You brought your own coffee and you said you wanted water. You said you wanted a cold, regular water.

That's what that is. All right. I didn't know there was bubble. That's cold. Don't get chirpy with me, dude. Don't get chirpy with me. Is that cold bubble? Is that cold bubble? This guy's going to do stand-up and you're teaching him?

You lost weight too, dude. Well. It hurts when you say it. It's the ozempic. It's hurt, isn't it? I'm on the Oz. When a thin guy, when somebody says to a thin guy, you lost weight, was I fat? It kind of fucks with you a little bit, right?

No, I wasn't fat. To me, it makes me feel fantastic. Well, yeah, for guys like my size, yeah. You look good right now. Because I didn't look good last time you saw me? Nah, see, it hurts. No. You scumbag.

It really does hurt, though. I'm on the Oz, that's why. Why are you taking Ozempic? I'm trying to get down to 135. Back to my old weight. Go work out. It's unfair. That's for diabetics. No, I'm doing it. I want to be 6'1", 135. You're not taking

Ozempic. No. Are you out of your mind? Oh, God. I have to take everything you say with a grain of salt. You should eat less salt. That's something my doctor told me to tell you. You should? What? Your doctor knows me? He said, tell Bobby to eat less salt. Is he a my doctor told me to tell you. You should... What? Your doctor knows me? He said, tell Bobby to eat less salt. Is he a fan?

Yeah, he's a huge fan. He loves you. Dude, when you came to New York, first of all... I'll be back in two weeks. Okay, wait. Let's stop. We'll have dinner. You were there.

You were there and made the rounds. Yeah, I went around. Yes. Yeah, I did the rounds. I got it. This is why I get you. You're a fast talker. You're a slippery walker. But you know what? You ain't a fucking day stalker. I did the rounds. I got it. This is why I get you. You're a fast talker. You're a slippery walker.

But you know what? You ain't a fucking day stalker. I made that round. Didn't think I was gonna. It was pretty good. It was good. But you did it with a Boston accent. You did day stalker.

Stalker. Yeah, that's why it sounded better. Because day stalker walker wouldn't have been good. Day stalker walker. I made the rounds. I did the club. I asked Liz where you were. You made the rounds. And then you sent one of your fucking goons to see if I wanted to do the club. I asked Liz where you were. You made the rounds.

And then you sent one of your fucking goons to see if I wanted to do the podcast. He got in trouble for that. Did he really? Well, he's supposed to do that. I was going to say yes. He's supposed to do that. Yeah. But he saw you and he panicked and he didn't know what to do.

Should I ask him? And he just went for it. And he got a fucking hot one from Liz. Not from me. I was very nice to him. I liked the kid, but Liz yelled at him pretty fucking bad. But what are you going to do? That's what she does.

She's going to crack the whip. She is intensely fucking scary. Is she still on your show? No, she's never on my show. She popped in when I was there. She comes in once in a while. But she doesn't ever sit in more often? No.

When she comes on, she's great, but the last time she sat on with a comic, she made the comic very sad. Who was it? I forget. It was like a newer dude, and she was trashing his new special. Oh, no. Saying how stupid it was.

Was it stupid, the special? And when you get orange socks. But you came in and did everybody's podcast. No, not everybody's. Dan Soder. One. That's it? Nope. Who else's did I do?

You know you did. Who else's did I do? Spit it out. What did I do? Say it. Ian Fidance. Bang. Two.

Who else? Come on. Come on. That's it. Nope. Who else did I do? One more. Spit it out.

I don't know. Spit it out. I don't know. Spit it out. No, I have a bad memory. You don't have a bad memory. You're fucking using that as an excuse. You have a photographic memory. Jessica, I don't remember who else. Bang.

What? Who else, Jessica? Good. You did one more. Who? You know what? No, I didn't. After two, it's the rounds.

I did Soder. You made the rounds. And Ian Finance and Jordan Jensen. That's all I did. You made the rounds. I did Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope. Boom. Bang.

Ding. Those are my boys, dude. Three. I love them. You didn't ask me. You didn't say come by upstairs. Buddy, you didn't tell me you were making the rounds. But when I sneak into town-

You sneak in. I sneak in and I just try to do a couple things and get out. And by the way, my real boys, my real down dogs, my boys, your boys, like Norman, he invites me to perform

at the Beacon with him. Not you. When was I at the Beacon? Exactly. Well, you want me to get better in my career? That's exactly right. Yeah.

I will work on this. Yeah. I will push my career to the next level. You get to a place more friends. Yeah. I will work on this. Yeah. I will push my career to the next level. You get to a place when you're playing the beacon, I'll come over. We're big.

Yeah, and then we're back. Buddy, fuck the beacon. I'm going to play Madison Square Garden. I'm going to make, dude, I'm going to make it happen. You think you're going to play MSG?

I'm going to make it happen. In how many years? I'm going to book it. How many years are you going to book it? It costs $250 to book it. I'm going to put a mortgage on my house. I'm going to book it. I don't are you going to book it? It costs $250 to book it. I'm going to put a mortgage on my house.

I'm going to book it. I don't care if I make $13 back. You're going to do it just to do it? Dude, I tell you what. You know how fun it'd be if we booked a stadium show but didn't sell any tickets? If we booked the Madison Square, if we just took a loan out, well, you wouldn't have to because you're loaded. But if you took money and I took a loan out and we got 200, I think it's 250 to rent the garden.

Wow. Something like that. One something, maybe 200. We rent it. Yeah. And we just go, look, we're playing the garden. We rented it already. Yep.

We paid for it. Yep. We have to sell these tickets. I think people would buy it just for the fucking hell of it. No. Huh? No. Huh? No. We would sell 1,000 tickets.

I'd have to lose my house. You would lose your family and your home. It'd be worth it. No, it wouldn't. Your wife is lovely, dude. Yeah, because them what we do. No, your wife is lovely. Them what we do.

Where are you going to go next? What's your turn to? You're not going to get on fucking Hinge. Can you imagine? I'm going to fucking produce this show. Can you imagine? I'm going to fucking produce the show. Can you imagine? I'm going to be a producer. If you get back on the apps, what a nightmare that would be.

What do you mean? I never was on the apps. That's what I mean. If your wife left you and you get on the apps, what's your profile picture? Dude, I get on Grindr. You haven't taken a good picture in 20 years. You get on Grindr, it makes it easy. Grindr's so easy, dude. It's not like that Tinder shit. They come to you. Dude, you don't go for the

same sex. Right. Not at 53. You go grinder. Yeah, you go grinder. I'm in the area. Put a little picture of my belly button, the hairy belly button. Maybe my little, my innie. You have an outie, though. I take a picture of bubblegum spitting to an afro. I go, this is me. You want some of this? You in for

this sloppy bottom otter? You're a dirty boy, dude. What are you really doing in town? You're shooting that thing? I told you this sloppy bottom otter? You're a dirty boy, dude. What are you really doing in town? You're shooting that thing? I told you, dude. I came in. My friend, look at me.

Mike Calta. Your friend's daughter's going to college. She got a thing. You shot something for her. Yeah, I did it. She wanted me to do it. So, of course, I'm going to do it. I love these guys.

You travel across the country just for that. No shows. Dude, let me tell you something. During the pandemic, Mike Calta and his brother saved my life. How? Mike Calta. I had 50 gigs canceled in one night. My agent called me.

He goes, they're gone. I go, what? All the gigs. I go, which ones? He goes, all of them. They're gone. I was like, and then I was literally faced with, oh, shit. Like, I'm not essential.

Like, I don't have, I don't know what the fuck to do like i don't have any some of us no well not many right and then my counter i called him up i go dude i don't know what the fuck to do he goes we're gonna do we'll do a podcast every day i'll get my fans you get your fans we'll do a patreon whatever money it is you take it wow we did that for a year and a half he did a show number one radio show and i know in tampa he would do his show and then we do our show for an hour or so seven days a week from new york or where he was he was in tampa we're on stream yard we did that and he never took a dime he just let me that's that's one of the nicest stories i've ever heard and i mean it i'm telling you

beautiful unbelievable so when they call and his brother i was in a shed i didn't even have a studio i had a fucking shed no heat what do you mean were you were your your studio was a shed out back amish mike made a shed built you a shed amish people amish mike built i had a shed i swear to god i had a shed that you could be in in the summer i was out there in the winter. His brother got me a heater. A little space heater? A little space heater, but a nice one. No. I swear to God.

There is no nice one. Dude, it's made of wood. It's got little flames going up. Old little fake flames. I've seen this. Nice one. Yeah, that's fancy. Sent me that, and then we did the show, dude.

I mean, literally, I was fine, But the psychological, like my gigs are gone. Like everything's gone. Like I'm not doing, I'm not going to do stand up in front of a green screen. I can't do it. I just can't. I was past the point of that in my career. So saved my life. So he asked me to do whatever you need.

You would do anything for him? I'm doing great right now. Fantastic. I got the bonfire with Big J. Right. You would do anything for him. I'm doing great right now. Fantastic. I got the bonfire with Big Jay. Right. You took over for Soder. Took over for Soder. I got asked to do that show with you guys.

Yeah, you did. But you didn't. Yeah, I said no. No, you had to do a podcast with- Well, there was one of the guys I didn't like on it. Yeah. Yeah. But Big Jay's a good guy.

Hey, wait a minute, dude. I'm talking about you. They asked me if I wanted to do it when I'm doing a press run when I come back to New York, and I said, sure. Yeah, yeah. I said, sure. Yeah, we got that. I didn't really replace Dan. I took over for Dan.

What is replace and take over? What's the difference? Replace means replace what was there. No. Take over means I'm going to take over the spot. Take over sounds worse. I didn't take over. I actually intervened. Take over sounds sounds worse. I didn't take over. I actually

intervened. Takeover sounds way worse. I intervened. Takeover sounds you took it away from him. I didn't take over. No, you replaced him. I didn't say takeover. Yeah, you did. I did not. I said replace. You said takeover. You said takeover and replace. Yeah, it's both. You said it. Well, you did both. I intervened. How about this? You did neither.

You did neither. You tanked the show. I did not. You popped in and you tanked it. I did not. Sirius called me today. They said the numbers are terrible. Numbers are up. They go, since Bobby has been there, it's in the shitter. Dude, numbers are up.

You know what they said to me? Get Kalta on the phone. Who's Kalta? He'll pump this thing up. He would. He's good. He's good. He's very smooth.

He's smooth No yeah that's great Big Jay's awesome I'll be out there And I'll say hi to you I promise I wish you'd come on dude You're one of my favorites

I bought with that Right there I said give me a cigar That Santino's dick You think this is the same size I go you know Santino He goes yeah Give me Santino's dick

That's what the guy gave me Honestly limp This is actually very accurate. This looks exactly like what it looks like. But it's funny because limp and hard, you're the same size. No, I'm not. I'm a grower, not a shower. You don't have a big dick.

I'm a grower, not a shower. You don't have a big dick. And you know what you are? You're a go-homer. I love you, dude, but you don't have a big dick. It's a regular cock. You don't have a big dick. It's a monster.

No, it's not, dude. This is annoying. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's not regular cock. You don't have a big dick. It's a monster. No, it's not, dude. This is annoying. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's not. Okay. What's your ethnic background? Nigerian.

No shit. Quarter. And American Indian. Well, it's got to be pretty thick then. It's massive. Since I lost the weight, I have an 11-inch cock. What was it before? It was three inches. But the weight's gone and all the weight. I have an 11-inch cock. What was it before? It was three inches.

But the weight's gone and all the weight went down to your dick? All my bush fat was covering it for years. I had to like, I had to clean it off

with a, Do you trim your pubes? With a power washer. Do you trim your little pubes? Like a deck. Do I trim my pubes? Um, no,

I don't. Last time I trimmed my pubes, I was going to Vegas, and I came out of the shower. I go, how do these look? She goes, why are you trimming your pubes? It's such a weird thing to do. And I was like, I don't know. She goes, who's going to see your pubes?

I was like, nobody. She goes, stop trimming your pubes. Don't do it. Yeah, I don't trim my pubes anymore. I cleaned it up a few times. I try to clean it up if it gets out of control. But she always makes fun of me when I do it. Yeah.

Because you look stupid. You look dumb. It looks like a little boy. You look like a little boy when you clean it up. Well, there's a certain point like when you, because I'm older. I'm older than you. Much, yeah. Well, not much.

Much, much, much, much. I mean, you just hurt feelings. Much, much, much, much, much. Hurt people hurt people. But it makes sense now. Because you're hurt. Oh, what are you in fucking AA? No, you're a hurt redhead, dude. I mean, you just hurt feelings. Much, much, much, much. Hurt people hurt people, but it makes sense now. Because you're hurt. Oh, what are you in fucking AA? No, you're a redhead, dude.

I know. I'm not hurt. In fact, when I see you, I'm the happiest I've ever been. You make me feel so good. You make me feel. You make me feel like a natural woman. Keep going. Yeah.

Is that a song about? I saw your buddy Bobby last night. Yuck. Yuck. Dude. What was he doing? I'm telling you right now. He brought me up.

I had to follow him at the store. Was that your spot? Did he take your spot? I was right after him. Right after him. So I took your spot. You took my spot, yeah. Or you were right after me.

Whatever. No, no. And Bobby then me. Bobby then you, then me. Yeah. And you canceled. I had to. Why?

I was out late at a dinner with some friends. And I got home. And my wife and I were like, you want to just have sex and not do your spot? And I said, I'd much rather do that. So we made sweet love and I skipped my spot. That's the God's honest truth. Really? Yeah, we got home after dinner.

We were feeling funky, and I was like, let's fucking go at it. So what was it, three minutes? Like three, four minutes? What happened? You know what, dude? Dude, you didn't take that long. You know what, dude? Don't.

You made love? Did you make love? How long was it? You want to make me blush? Yeah, we made a little love. How long was it? Well, we have to stop and start. Did you make love? How long was it? You want to make me blush? Yeah, we made a little love. How long was it? Well, we have to stop and start. We have to stop and start because I have to stretch. You have to stretch? Every 15 minutes when I'm fucking, I have to stretch. I have to do a couple of toe touches. You know my back issues. So I get on the... It's so weird that

you have back issues at fucking... 40? 40. That's when it starts. No, it doesn't. When does it start? I don't know. Well, when you're an athlete, you get hurt earlier. You have old Jew back. Oh, my God. It is. Every time I get up, I have an old man back.

And I'm getting hip injections now. For what? Stop doing stuff to yourself. No, man. I need it. It helps. This is good. This is good. I have a hip impingement. A hip impingement stuff to yourself. No, man. I need it. It helps. This is good. For what? I have a hip impingement. A hip impingement? Yeah. I like that word.

Hip impingement. I love impingement. It's impinging me. I love hip impingement. So I'm getting needles thrown in me with goop inside of it. What's that thing that goes sideways up a hill? A funicular? I like that too. Careful. A funicular? A funicular. A funicular? A funicular.

A funicular. A funicular. You know the things that go up the side of the hill? Oh, the little box? It's called a funicular. No, it's not. 100%. Bet me $1,000. Okay.

What's the name of the thing, Google? Don't ask. What's the name of the thing that goes up the hill? Funicular? That's fucking anything. That could be a groundhog. It derives the Latin word finiculus, meaning rope. A finicular is the rope.

And it uses the rope. No, but it's not the lift portion. Nice try, buddy. Do the fucking... 14 fabulous finiculars from around the globe. I got to tell you, that is beautiful. A thousand bucks. 14 fabulous finiculars from around the globe. Say that, 14 fabulous finiculars from around the globe. I got to tell you, that is beautiful. A thousand bucks. 14 fabulous funiculars

from around the globe. Say that, 14 fabulous funiculars from around the globe. 14 fabulous funiculars from around the globe. You have to use your mouth like Shea Shea

when you do that. 14 fabulous funiculars. Come on, cat. Come on, cat. Come on, cat. I took a funicular up in Palm Springs. You can take it from

Palm Springs. Palm Springs is hot, hot, hot. You go all the way up to the top of the mountain, and there's snow up there. Yeah, funicular. I took a funicular. I love a funicular. You know, you're one of my favorite funiculars.

You're a funicular. Don't funicular me, pal. I'll funicular you. Don't. I'll funicular you right now. Don't. I'm serious. With this finger. Don't funicular me.

I'll funicular you, you fucking funicky. It's a word that sounds like it might be racist or wrong or rude or mean, but it's not. Disgusting, yeah. Something sounds off about it. Funicular. It's the ic yeah. Something sounds off about it. Finicular. It's the icular. It's the word ick. What's your disease for fish?

Did you know fish get that disease? What? Ick. They get the ick? It's called the ick. It's the greatest name for any sickness ever. You got the ick? Fish get it, and it's called ick.

What is that? It's a disease that fish get. And what is it? It's called ick. What does it do to the fish? I'm not a fish doctor. They die. Fish gets ick and you die.

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You got too much going on, too many apps. Let Rocket Money help. rocketmoney.com slash whiskey. You heard it right. You got too much going on, too many apps. Let Rocket Money help. RocketMoney.com slash whiskey. Ginger. I like gingers. I saw your boy last night. This is how he brings me up on stage.

This motherfucker. Listen, man. The Chinese guy? I thought he was... He's Chinese. He's Chinese. Yeah. What noodle is that?

Is that the big ones? Farfalle? What noodle is that? Is that the big ones? Farfalle. The big cold ones or is that the little ones? Oh, udon. Udon, right? Yeah. No, he's ramen thin. There's ramen thick, ramen thin.

So racist. He's ramen thick. He brings me up last night. How? I mean, it's un-fucking-believable. Shows you a lot of love. No. Shut up. He goes you a lot of love. No. Shut up.

He goes, give it up for this guy. I've known him for a long time, for 25 years. He's a fucking guy. You've seen him on, you did a tourgasm. Brought up tourgasm. Tourgasm. Good. He used to do the Opie and Anthony show.

Great. Nothing recent. And you might have noticed, he was on the Titanic. He survived. I mean, this dude. They loved it, though, didn't they? They didn't know what he was talking about. Yeah, but once you came out there, they were so happy to see you.

I was like, he just gave me the oldest credits ever. You were on the Titanic. Torgasm. Torgasm, baby. O.P. and Anthony. Don't you wish you could go back? Torgasm? Yeah.

I wish I could. Don't you wish? Tell me that wasn't one of the best times of your life, though. Really. No, I mean, here's the thing with Torgasm. Yeah, what was it? What was the thing? I don't give a shit.

Are you working on a new hour? I'm trying. I can't wait to see a new hour from you. I'm trying, dude. I watch Collins. Yeah, but here's the problem with Collins. That he's a genius? Yeah.

What's the problem? He's fucking amazing. He's just, he's so... Good? Okay. Solid? Yep. But he's, he'll take these things and write about him and you just

don't it doesn't even make sense how do you make the constitution funny how do you make the bill of rights funny how do you make you know and he'll take these subjects and he spends so much time on him and he's just an asshole from brooklyn but he's so good yeah so fucking good every time i watch him i'm like I should just stop. You know what, dude? Let me get a thing in Vegas, or let me go to some island and do like a... Atlantic City, maybe, for you.

And you know what? While I'm down. While I'm down. Right in the fucking rib. You know what? You could do like... You could get a residency out here. I don't want a residency. Like Yamaha. Yamaha?

I hope your career dies. This is the beginning of it. Trust me. This is the one? This is the beginning of it. You know what I am a mush of? I am a mush of one thing. What?

Festivals. What does that mean? Swag. I'm a swag mush. You love swag? First of all, you're Swag. I'm a swag mush. You love swag? First of all, you're a swag. No, no, no. You're a swag.

You're a swag. You're a swag. You're a swag. I'm wearing swag. You are a swag. What do you mean you're a swag mush? I'm a swag mush. You know when you go to the festivals, you go to the things and they have great swag?

Yeah. Like a hoodie. Like a hoodie. Like I remember at the Aspen, like the year before they had great swag like a hoodie like i i remember at the um aspen like the year before they had like puffy coats aspen hbo i show up there's a hat and they didn't even give me one i had to go like beg for my hat because everybody had a hat it was like the one with the little buckle i was like can i have my hat they're like i don't know if we have any more i didn't get my hat uh the vegas the year before, they give out like laptops.

I show up, I got a fucking notepad. No pen. It's a notepad. I go to Montreal the year before, they're giving out fucking, you know, all kinds of hats and jackets and hoodies. I show up, I get maple syrup. Why do you think? And oil. They gave me oil.

Why do you think that they're screwing you over? I kill swag. I'm a me oil. Why do you think that they're screwing you over? It's not... I kill swag. I'm a swag killer. Why? I don't know. When I show up, someone does a budget, and they go, we don't need this. Get them oil. They just push you off like you're not important, like they don't know who you are.

Like they haven't heard your act. Because if they heard your act, you'd get good swag. Because they would hear your act and they'd go this guy could use a hoodie this guy needs clothes this guy needs some stuff sometimes I get sent stuff from people and honestly you do get swag sometimes

no I love swag but I get it sometimes and I don't know what to do with it because it's stuff that I probably most likely would never wear like what? like municipal shoes go fuck your slip-ons. Okay? I actually love those shoes.

I think they look comfortable. These are the most comfortable. Yeah, they look comfortable. Most comfortable sneaker. That Hoka... The Hokas are good. Hokas are great, but this shoe is so comfortable. What are those, though?

Which version? Are those the geriatrics? Which one are those? You know what? I hope one of your nipples falls off. I hope it gets taken off. I hope your cat does die. I hope you do get a cat.

I don't have a cat. But I hope you get one. I hope you get one. Okay. And the first week when it dies, just go like this. Fucking Bobby. Fucking Bobby. Bobby.

You have animals? You know, I have a dog. You know, I worked with Mark Wahlberg on a movie that bombed really bad. Which one? It's called Me Time with Kevin Hart. Did you think it was going to do good?

No, I think we knew it was bad. Really? You know what's so fuck when you know something's bad? Like, you know, it's the same feeling

of, you know, when you're on the road and it doesn't matter if it's a full house. Yeah. The crowd feels weird that night when you're like,

God, this is fucking weird. Like, what's going on? Right. And the opener of the host is like, sorry, man. Like, you know that feeling? And when you're like, I'm going to flip them. But why is this the mood that everyone is? Like, it's almost like they all came from different places, ate different meals, did something different during the day.

But they walked in the door and they all looked at each other like, mm-hmm. Yeah. Fuck this. Yeah, fuck this. That's exactly how on set we were like, it was funny, but we were all kind of like, is something wrong? Something was, you know, I don't know. I don't even know how to describe that.

Okay, but you can't. Here's the thing with that. With a stand-up set, you can pull the parachute. Yeah. You can just go, fuck it. You know, your face sucks, and just fucking, you ever blow a kid? I mean, you can just go into whatever. Blow a kiss.

You said blow a kiss. You said blow a kiss. You ever blow a kiss? Yeah, what'd I say? Right, you said that. I said kiss. Yeah, you said kiss. I said kiss. Sure, you said kids.

Kiss. Kiss. But you know, you just go crazy. In a movie, you can't pull a parachute. You just got to trudge forward. And if you say something you think is going to be funnier for the scene, it bombs always. There's no way to just stop it.

No. You just have to let it go. Is everybody doing that? I think you kind of collectively feel the mood of people when shit goes bad like that. Was Mark cool or did he get – It was nice, but I could tell he was kind of trying to get through that scene. So they would – like every day was like, all right, let's go. It was very let's hurry up and do it.

Really? Yeah. That's not fun. No, let's hurry up and do it. Really? Yeah. That's not fun. No, I mean, we had fun. You had fun? I had fun, but it was also like, this is the thing about a guy at his level. Same thing with Kevin Hart. Yeah.

These motherfuckers have 30 jobs. Who's Kevin Hart? He's the tall, skinny Korean comedian. Oh, the kid, yeah, on Kill Tony, right? On Kill Tony, yeah, that's Kevin Hart. Yeah. Hey, I'm Kevin Hart. It's, uh, he would fucking, comedian oh the kid yeah on kill tony right tony yeah that's kevin hart yeah hey i'm giving art it's uh comedy he would fucking he would be gone like the moment it was done he was gone you could

tell like he just was like when they're that famous it's another project like dracula he just turned into bats and just and then disappear yeah wow he They would just go. Because they have to do shit. Yeah, they're busy. We're losers. We're hanging. I'm like, you want to do more? But he used to be a loser. He used to be a loser.

He used to be one of us. Sure, I guess. No, he's still one of us. Stand up, but he's famous. He's fame. He's huge. He hates me right now. Why?

Because I call, I fucking- You talk shit about him? I texted him some shit because he didn't promote Big Jay's special and they came up together so I had his I had his real number I'm like one of the last few

that had it and I texted him I was like why don't you promote your fucking friend's special you piece of shit and he wrote back he was like

I'm sitting here in a movie set in a director's chair Filming a movie right now Maybe if you I didn't know How can you come at me like that

That Kevin Hart Pep talk Tony Robbins talk You don't know Da da da da da Da da da da da You don't know Right

You don't know He's good If I'm on a set How am I supposed to promote something If I don't know Well don't do it It's like a hip hop song Don't do that

And then that And then something if I don't know that it's going to be there? Well, don't do it. It's like a hip-hop song. Don't do that. And then that, and then... But I don't know! No! No! No! No! So now he hates your guts. Well, then he wound up promoting it, but he was like, you know, maybe you should not come at me, blah, blah, blah. Well, don't come at him. You know what? Fuck you. You're out of line. You're out of line. You're out of line.

It's not your special. You are in fame land. I'm not. I'm not famous, buddy. I'm out of it. You're as famous as anything. I'm going to tell you right now. Let me tell you something right now.

You know how many people I've called and I say, who's the funniest guy that you know in my group of friends? Yeah. You know who they say every single time? Who? Who do they say every time? Billy Burr. Shane Gillis.

Shane's funny. They do say you, though. Burr. Shane Gillis. Shane's funny. They do say you, though. God damn, Shane's funny. People love you. Shane makes me sick how funny he is. But anyways, I texted him that, and he fucking came back at me, right? Came back at me. Yeah.

Jay never texted him. Jay never stepped out of it. Yeah, he's above that. No, he's not above it. He's beneath it. Scared of it. He's scared of it. I'm not scared.

I step up for my new partner in crime. Right. Soda would have never done that. You know who did it? Not Dan. That's who did it. Scared of it. He's scared. I'm not scared. I step up for my new partner in crime. Right. Soda would have never done that. You know who did it? Not Dan. Okay. That's who did it. Okay.

Not Dan. Not Dan. Two thumbs this way, which I've done my whole life. This is not Dan. Not Dan. So I go and do it. I do it. I take a fucking hit.

I burned a fucking bridge. Big time. Big bridge, by the way. Promotes a special. Watches the special. Promotes it. Then has his on his serious or his podcast. So they, by the way. Promotes a special, watches the special, promotes it, then has his on his podcast. So they're like pals now.

I reconnected them, and I'm out. You're out. I'm out. You're out. I'm out. But you deserve it. Oh, God. No, you deserve to be out.

Then you'll get drawn back in. I'm trying to get you to fix it. You'll get drawn back in. I can't do it. I need you to get famous. You want me to call Kev? No. I'm going to call him right now. No. I'll call him. Oh, God. Go ahead. Call him. You don't have the balls. Really? No, you don't. I can't do anything. I need you to get famous. You want me to call Kev? No. I'm going to call him right now.

I'll call him. Oh, God. Go ahead. Call him. You don't have the balls. Really? No, you don't. All right.

Watch this. Did you really text him? I did text him. He won't pick up. I'm going to call him right now. How funny would this be? I'm going to call him. Let's see if he picks up.

He's not going to pick up. I'm going to try. There's no way he's going to pick up. He's not going to pick up. Your movie bombed. The movie didn't bomb Because of me It was partly Your fault

No I did Read the Read The reviews dude He's got to pick up This guy He always picks up

When I call Kevin Hart He picks up Boom Alright there we go That's You know what I bet he's Want me to call him

He's probably in a hot tub Let me call him How funny it would be If he picks up for me I would love it. How funny would it pick up? What's up, man? Yo, man.

Hey. Here we go. Hey. Let's go. You go ahead and call him and let's see. Welcome to Variety. Wow, right. I mean, that's fastest.

I mean, I'm on another thing. I'm on a... He put me on a... I'm blocked. Wow. I mean, I'm... Dude, that was fast. You're actually blocked.

I think I'm blocked. That's the saddest shit'm, dude, that was fast. You're actually blocked. I think I'm blocked. That's the saddest shit I've ever seen. I'm not even, I'm blocked. I'm on just send him somewhere else. That's a cease and desist over the phone. This is the problem with me, dude. No, there is no problem with you. Listen, it's a problem.

You're a beautiful, lovely, funny, sweet, caring, a great father, a great husband, a great friend, a great comedian. What else? Don't break the fucking chair. Don't shake it and break it. That's old school. You're too good of a guy for this town. In this town, I mean Hollywood.

I want you to quit the biz immediately. No, I'm not quitting the biz. Please get out. I'm going to become Hollywood Bob. I'm going to become Hollywood Bob. I've been talking to Colin Quinn about this. What do you want to be when you grow up?

What does Hollywood Bob mean? It says, hey, how you doing, man? Good, how are you? So good to see you, really. Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you. Thank you for having me on, man.

This is a beautiful studio. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that mosaic guy, right? Yeah. Fantastic stuff here, man.

Thanks, brother. I want to say this before we go any further that you and bobby lee together whoever whatever that is dude yeah that is magic lightning in a bottle and you shook it because it's insane and the tour you guys are doing man woof everybody's talking about time out yeah so here's the deal of hollywood bob yeah what you're saying is you by turning into holly Bob, you're saying all the things that you know to be untrue. Like, it's not a good studio.

The tour is not impressive. It's not lighting in a bottle. No, I'm saying all the- No, you're being facetious to a character. I am not being facetious. And I know you don't know what that word means, but you're being rude to a character. Dude, first of all, I know what facetious means. What does it mean?

It's, first of all, it's from the Greek word for Nicola. No, no, it's not. It means cat killer. It means what? Cat killer. Cat killer? Yeah. Okay, take a sip. Facetious means... Honestly, take a sip. Facetious means... Clear your throat for a second. Facetious means...

Don't you cut me off on your show. Facetious means to make fun of the facetiousism. I'm going to call him one more time. No, no. Call Kevin again and see what he says. It just can't go right.

God, I'm on something. I'm sorry, Kev. Have I ever not picked up the phone when you call me, by the way? I call you every time. You call me. I pick up every time. You do, man. Let me tell you, honest to God, can I say something real about you?

Mm-hmm. Let me move on to something else before you talk. The cigar thing. Yes. Is your wife cool with it or does she hate it? I want to say something. And here's why, I ask. Oh, you power fingered me.

Yeah, I'll do it. I'll power you. I did the power. I'm going to finger you down. See? Nope. No. Sit.

Don't you fucking treat me like you're a dead dog. Do you want a treat? Oh, your cat died. Sorry. When you get home after smoking one, does she care? No. Does she like the way it smells? Yeah.

Because some women are attracted to the smell. Yeah. Well, yeah. Old school women who fucking like men. Okay. Yeah. Not every man is going to smoke a cigar. That doesn't make you a man because you smoke cigars.

Yeah, it does. No, it makes you a man because you have a pair of balls. That's what makes you a man. Not today. And that's literally it. Not today. Yes doesn't make you a man because you smoke cigars. Yeah, it does. No, it makes you a man because you have a pair of balls. That's what makes you a man. And that's literally it. Not today. Yes. That makes you a woman, too. No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does. No. Buddy, I want to see something fucked up. Yeah, please. You going to show me, dude? No, I'm going to show you something right now. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Watch.

Oh, my God. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Watch Oh my god Oh god People at home There was a man There was a man saved on Javi's phone Who could stuff his nuts In his ass and farted them out

My producer from my podcast. That's someone you know? No way. No, he said it to me today. That's amazing. I was asking for clips from my podcast. And he goes, how about this one? And he said that one, and I'll never unsee it.

It's the greatest thing ever. That's probably the most impressive thing I've ever seen. It's such. To put both of your balls in your ass? Both of them in the ass and then shit them out. He shit them out. He had his balls in his ass and then pushed them out. Images in my mind now.

I keep thinking how impressed... That's so impressive. It's impressive. That's got to be on Broadway. You've got to put that on a show. It should be the end of every movie. That's all, folks. They should have that come up and go...

I went to this reminds me there was a show that used to be in West Hollywood called the puppetry of the penis yes they had it

in New York too did you ever go I did and I wanted to I heard it was great they can tie their cock in knots it's unbelievable you have to have a big

droopy nerd dick so here's what's interesting doesn't need to be thick gotta be long a lot of skinny dicks Ari Shafir exactly correct Big, droopy, nerd dick. So here's what's interesting. Doesn't need to be thick. No. Got to be long. A lot of skinny dicks. Ari Shafir. Exactly correct.

Fucking, I mean, he can make a sailboat with that. Long, skinny drooper. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, he can make a train. He could make a train? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can make a hamburger.

Take it again. Sorry. One more. Let's hear it again. He can make a tent. Are you excited to go on the show with me tonight? I'm not on the show with you tonight. You just said you're on the improv tonight.

I canceled it. Wait, seriously? Yeah, I got to make love to my wife tonight. Fuck you. Whatever. You're a piece of shit, dude. My cat died. I canceled because I wanted to be-

With your wife. You know what? Because I've been done too many shows. Yeah. I was burnt. I was working all day, and I said, i don't think i'm gonna make it she said stay home let's watch a movie in bed yeah and get frisky okay how do you turn that down you can't it's just hard these days i mean my wife doesn't do that at all but well i'll say this and here's why because i love your wife and i

respect her and i would never say anything negative about her. But I give her a lot of credit. You know what? I hope you choke on your own tooth. How's that? I hope you stick your own balls in your ass so they don't come out. I hope you try that later. I had a dream once, a daydream about you slipping, getting out of the shower. You have a tub with a high side.

Can I show you something? And I had a vision of you slipping out of the tub. Do you want to see something? And breaking the tub. Do you want to see something? And breaking your hip. Do you want to see something? Yeah. So I get into a fight with my wife the other day. Big fight in the morning.

You know, stupid, stupid. What's the first morning fight? What is it about? It's all me. Yeah, no shit. It's me. Oh, shut up. No shit.

I mean, you're just a... Well, from an intellectual level, I know you're starting fights over dumb shit. I know. That's true. First of all, don't ever call me stupid in a smart way. Didn't say that. You're just a... Well, from an intellectual level, I know you're starting fights over dumb shit. I know. That's true. First of all, don't ever call me stupid in a smart way. Didn't say that. I said she was smarter than you.

No, you said... I said from an intellectual perspective, you start the fights. I don't like the word intellectual. Well, because... So, dude. What did you do? What fight did you... I'm going to tell you. I'm going to set it up.

Let me set it up. Let me set it up. So, we get... It was about the kid. And she's... I'm aggressive. I'm always trying set it up. Let me set it up. Let me set it up. So we get, it was about the kid. And she's, I'm aggressive. I'm always trying to pull back. She's passive aggressive. Right.

Well, she just buries it for years. Smart. So it's not smart. No, it is smart. It's a bad way to be. That's how we all operate. No. Put it down, put it down, put it down.

Dig it down. Dig it out, dig it out, dig it out, dig it out. So she's, you know, huffing and puffing. You get Max, let's go. And I'm like, Max, you got to, I'm trying to do the things we talked about. out, dig it out. So she's huffing and puffing. You get Max, let's go. And I'm like, Max, I'm trying to do the things we talked about. It didn't work out. I finally go, listen. I rose my hand.

And she went, gave me some type of face and a huff. And I go, don't huff. I didn't huff. You just huffed. You know what I mean? I need a fucking camera. So we get into a fight, right? I think I slapped a wall beam.

I don't punch anymore because I'm too old. You don't slap wall beams. I went, fucking slapped it. Whatever. So I just, I'm like, I'm out. She goes to drop the kid off. I'm like, I'm out of here. I'm going to fucking show her.

I'm just leaving for the day. Where are you going? I don't know. I left, but I didn't have nowhere to go. So, you know what I mean? Yeah. So I went to the gym. I got my gym down the street. Good. So I'm like, I what I mean? Yeah. So I went to the gym. I got my gym down the street.

Good. So I'm like, I'm going to go lift. So I'm in the gym. I got, I'm cranking dumbbells. I'm cranking them. And I'm mumbling, fucking tell me. I'm the fuck. We had a thing.

But I'm literally mumbling, still angry, lifting weights. So this is why, I mean this, and I gave this to her as a gift because I apologized. One thing about me, if I fuck up, I apologize. I have no problem doing that. So I thought about it a day. I got this video and I said, listen, I want to say, and I got my son too. I want to say both of you.

Daddy made a mistake and I make those sometimes. I'm going to try not to make it again. Mommy, I'm sorry, blah, blah. But here's a video for you to have for both of you. So this is me at the gym. I want to see it. Give it to me. Just give it to me, you slut.

This is me at the gym, and I'm trying to do decline. Okay. I'm trying to do decline. Keep explaining. Yeah. Decline presses with 35-pound dumbbells. And somewhere along the way, because I'm old, I forgot how to get on a decline. You don't know how to get on the decline.

I don't know how to do it with the dumbbells. And I'm such an asshole, and I'm so mad at her that this happened. Oh, you get, yeah. I can tell you looking. Yeah, you're looking at it. I'm looking at it. So when you look at it, that's you trying to figure out how to do it. I think I got it, and I don't, and I'm mad, and I'm mumbling,

and then here I go, and there I go. Hold on. Is this security footage? This is security footage. All right, you get on, you get backwards, and you fall off. What did you do? Did you go to security, and you're like, I have to get that on tape? I just fall, and I got stuck between the other machines.

And you thumbed up. Some guy goes, you all right, bud? Old Indian guy. Hello, you okay? Are you okay, man? Are you okay, man? I was like. This motherfucker.

You have to send me that, please. I want to show the audience. Send it to me so they can see it. I will send it to you. Thank you. I mean, look. I sent it to her. I go, this is for you.

And yes, God is a woman. God is a woman. She made this happen. God is a woman. Doesn't that feel good to know? Didn't that make you immediately go, fuck, look. I said to her, I go, this is for you. And yes, God is a woman. God is a woman. She made this happen. God is a woman. Doesn't that feel good to know? Didn't that make you immediately go, fuck, why am I fighting over anything? It humbled me. Yeah, it's good.

Immediately. It's good. Yeah. There's two things that are very powerful. Drugs. Gratefulness. And humility. And humility.

Yeah. The two most powerful drugs, they will motivate you and clean any bullshit out of your life. As soon as you get grateful and humble, everything else, all the bad shit goes away. In here, we pour whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by BetterHelp. I've spoken pretty candidly and openly on this show about mental health, about depression and anxiety. Two for two on that, baby. And I got to tell you, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with talking about

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Ginger. I like gingers. You know what I mean? We do a thing called Grateful Gab. We take night walks. Yeah. And we do Grateful Gab. I'm being serious.

And we just talk about what we're grateful for that day. It doesn't have to be overarching. It doesn't have to be like my whole life. But it has to be what we're grateful for. And it can be small. Yeah. Like I did a great, what did I do that made me feel really grateful? There was a thing, oh, I, at the gas station, yeah, I pull into the gas station.

The guy is, there's a guy that's in there that I could tell he's frustrated with the customer. She may or may not be homeless. I don't know. She could be having a tough go. They're kind of like, I can tell that they're chirping at each other and uh and i had a gift card for gas i got a gift card from one of the casinos i mean you casino they give you like 200 gift card for gas to drive out there and uh he's like well it doesn't work and she's you know what do you mean try it again and, no. Try it again. And he's pissed off. And he's like, I've moved aside. And I thought, I'm grateful for the fact that someone gave me.

This isn't my money. Yeah. So I said, here, let me try maybe my car. And it works. I said, just put whatever is on there. There's a gift card. And she was like, no, no. I said, yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's whatever. Yeah. Whatever the gas was. Right, yeah. So then I felt like I was grateful. Yeah, right. Somebody gave it to me. then I passed it on. That's my grateful moment of the day.

Right, it makes you feel fantastic. I mean, everything goes away. Well, because it's like, I'm grateful that I had the ability to do it. Someone else gave it to me. Yeah. He's probably grateful that he doesn't have to see her anymore. Yep. And she's grateful that she got enough gas to go back to the dealer's house to get her next rock.

I was wondering how we were going to ruin it. I was wondering how you were going to ruin it. I knew you had to ruin it. How often at the... I know. I'm like, this is such a great moment. This is awesome. I had to fuck it up.

How is he going to... How often when you get off the freeway when a guy's begging, how often do you give money? Never. Be honest. Never? I don't give fucking homeless people money. Ever? No, dude.

That's disgusting. I give them food. I've given them food. Much time. Go to dinner. I'll go buy something and bring it to them. You'll never give them cash? Well, here's the cash thing for me.

I think that you're kind of killing them. You're just enabling these guys to go get drugs and alcohol. If you give them a little food, maybe, someone else is going to give them the money. What if they use the food to get drugs and alcohol? Suckers like you are going to give them the fucking money. What if they use the food to get drugs and alcohol? What are you going to get for this? There's a liquor store,

La Paz Liquor, in the valley here that takes pizza for, they'll give you a couple slices of pizza. La Paz's? La Paz's will give you beer. La Paz's? Do they? They'll give you beer if you try to trade you a couple slices of pizza. La Paz's? La Paz's will give you beer. La Paz's? Do they? They'll give you beer if you try to trade in a couple pieces of pizza. La Paz's is crazy. Do you never give money? I don't. I will not.

Now, in New York, I will give, there's certain guys, like homeless people in New York, it's like you gotta draft them. You know what I mean? There's a whole new team coming in. There's new players. I'm drafting. First of all, I got Crazy Mike's mine. That's your guy.

The guy who hits the golf, the milk cartons, he's mine. Yeah, what is it? Tiger Hoods? Isn't that his name? Over by this. Yeah, Mom McDougal. Right. He's mine.

He's not yours. He's mine. That guy's for the streets. He's not yours. You don't own him. I don't own him, but he's on my team. He's on my homeless team. Please don't say that you own a guy.

He's on my homeless team. That's dangerous. I you own a guy. He's on my homeless team. That's dangerous. I said about the white guy, homeless Mike, you said nothing, you fucking race baiter. So, yeah, I got the Vietnam vet. They're on my homeless team. Right. So if you're coming in, dude, you're on someone else's team. So you say they have to go to a homeless combine to be on your squad?

They have to qualify? Every year we do a homeless draft at the cellar. Keith's got the couple black guys. Old Keith's got them. Old Keith, yeah. Yeah, he's got the dude in the wheelchair. What do you make them do? Huh?

What do you make them do? No, it's just they protect us from the other homeless people. Oh, right. So if I walk by, do you got? He's like, yeah, he's good. And they tell you to move the fuck on. Oh, that's nice. I'm his guy.

That's like security. I'm more his guy than he is my guy. Yeah, it's homeless security., he's good. And they tell you to move the fuck on. Oh, that's nice. I'm his guy. That's like security. I'm more his guy than he is my guy. Yeah, it's homeless security. It's exactly it. Homeless security. I hire homeless people to pick me from other homeless people. Do you ever get security when you go to like, if you're on the road and they give, no, no, but they give you a security guy.

I don't use it. You say no thank you? I'm a grown man. What are you going to do? Subjective, I guess. What are you going to do? What are you going to come up to me and beat me up? You think someone can't beat the shit out of you? No, yeah grown man. What are you going to do? Subjective, I guess. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Come up to me and beat me up?

You think someone can't beat the shit out of you? No, yeah, but I don't care. Okay, listen up. If you go to a Bobby Kelly show in the next couple of months, beat the shit out of him right after the show. You can. Run up to him and beat the living shit out of him. Just come up and do what you got to do.

Yep, do it. You know why? I'll fucking take it. Say it with me. Because I want to live. Because hurt people hurt. No, I want to live. That's why.

I want to feel. Oh, you need it. You're like Fight Club. You're like a sick, twisted. I want to feel. Oh, you need it. You're like Fight Club. You're like a sick, twisted. I want to feel. Yeah, you need the pain. I get the shikty out of me for the next year. I got to come back on it.

Dude, take the spell back. Where are you touring? Are you out after this? Yeah, I'm doing Mothership, which is just... What he did, man, with that club is so funny because he's just you know you go there and just sell out yeah it's just crazy yeah like they book you and you're like oh i can count on that money if they book you once a year it's like oh my god if everything else dies in my life i still yeah make a nice i mean that's such aan did something special. He really took care of the

comics. Well, the old thing was he wanted a comics club for comics. Yeah. You know, that like the truth of four comics by the comics, run by the comics, organized by... Nothing is outside. Well, that's what it should have been. He just had the money to do it.

Turns out all you need is a couple hundred million. A couple hundred. that's all and then a couple hundred billion no oh less more less more less more oh down i got it down he's got a lot of money all you need is a couple hundred million yeah all you need is a few more than that but yes yeah and then you can fucking open up a club to to be everything you've ever ever dreamed of. It's it's it, you know what it is, but what Rogan created is what it's the same way. I look at what Sandler did in terms of with his friends. Yeah. It's like,

you fucking, yeah, you're giving all your buddies work. It's the greatest. It's the, it's the thing we all dream to do. I'm being genuine when I say this, my dream would be to make shit and call you and go,

dude, you get to come to this thing with me. Will you come do the same with me? Yeah. I would love to only hire my friends, get enough power to hire. That's the goal. Well, Louie did it to pay your friends. Yeah.

Well, they fucking snatched him out of the business. Um, but pay your friends is the dream. Yeah. It is the dream. Yeah, it is. It really is. You'd only write her. I'd rather write a check, a big check to people that I love rather than paying into the machine

at any time. Yeah. No, that club is, and it's so easy. It's such a great club a big check to people that I love rather than paying into the machine at any time. Yeah, no. That club is, and it's so easy. It's such a great club. So I'm doing that. I'm going back to Boston. What do you play when you're there? You play Laff?

I do Laff. Say hi to John for me. John fucking Tobin. Bobby. Say Tobin. I fucking love that dude. He's like, meet my fucking son. Dude, why don't you and all the boys come down and do the medley tent in Cape Cod this summer, kid?

He's awesome. He's a great guy. Did you ever play Wilbur or any of that other bullshit? I do the Wilbur. Yeah, I've done the Wilbur down and do the medley tent in Cape Cod to sound like a kid. He's awesome. He's a great guy. Do you ever play Wilbur or any of that other bullshit? I do the Wilbur. Yeah, I've done the Wilbur. What about the Wang? Never did the Wang. Can't sell it?

No. But you're a hometown guy. Don't you think you can? Can't do it. I bet my bank account you can. I sell better in Tampa than I do in Boston. What? I don't know why.

No. I swear to God. Well, there's places I don't understand why I sell. There's places where I go, why do I sell so good there? I have no connection to that place. But maybe people in Tampa love you. Tampa loves me. Boston's good to me.

But, yeah, I would never be able to do the Wang. That's a wild thing to me because you're getting it. Like, I'm watching it with you right now. Okay. You know what? I know this is going to be an insult. I feel it from a mile away. Go ahead.

You're so damaged. Yeah. Look at just a wall of alcohol. Come on, dude. Take a sip. Take a sip. No, I'm doing good. Take a sip.

These are all half empty. Take a sip. Get out of here. What if I fucking did? No, don't. Please don't. Please, please, please, please. I'm teasing.

Yeah, tell them not to beat me up at my shows. Don't beat him up. Don't beat him up. Don't beat him up. Don't fuck around with me. He's good friends with Kevin No, don't. Please don't. Please, please, please, please. I'm teasing. Yeah, tell them not to beat me up at my shows. Don't beat him up. Don't beat him up. Don't beat him up. Don't fuck around with me. He's good friends with Kevin Hart. Don't.

He's best friends. Don't, don't. Tell me you'll put me on everything you do. I'll put you on everything I do. I'll put you on everything I do. Write me in. I'll write you in.

You're going to save it. I will. Stop. You're going to put, me and you do bad friends. You're dumping Bobby. Okay, I'll dump him. I'll dump him.

Say it. I'm dumping Bobby on, you're on my bad friends. You're my new bad friends. Say it in Chinese. Okay, I'll dump him. I'll dump him. I'm dumping Bobby.

You're on my bad friends. You're my new bad friends. Say it in Chinese. Say it. What were you going to say before I cut you off? You could do the wang. And I want my fans to go see him when he books the wang. And let's not book the garden. Let's book the wang.

Let's just hope for the wang. No, I'm saying we go for it. I think, you know what?'s not book the Garden. Let's book the Wang. Let's just, let's hope for the Wang. I think, you know what? I'm not even kidding when I say this. No. You and I should do a double headliner show

at the Wang. Because I sell great in Boston. I love Boston. I love Boston. Let's do a double at the Wang. Will you? I'll do anything with you. Okay.

And I'll say that seriously. No, but right now, I've seen it, dude. I've seen ups and downs. I've seen, you know, this business goes up and down for everybody. We all have it.

But you're at that point right now where you're popping off it's about to go down yeah starting to do theaters you know the thing with you and Bobby is fuck

you guys together I mean it's just a match made in heaven your show's hilarious thank you even though he has no respect for me but the thing he doesn't I mean why

he really doesn't he really doesn't no you know what it is no I don't he's jealous and he said that to me before. He's jealous of what? That you have a family that you love, that you have a career, that you have a...

What do you mean? He's jealous of stuff he could have if he just... No. Why can't he have it? I'm going to call him and ask him why that he doesn't like you so much. Yeah, call him and ask him. I want to call Kevin again. I'm pretty sure...

Call Kevin and see if he'll pick up. I think so. Will you? Yeah, I'm going to call him right now. Hello? Hey, you're on my pod. Bobby Kelly's here. He wants to know, what's your beef with him?

What is it about? There is no fucking beef. What the fuck? I said, I don't know. I saw his set last night. No, I said you... I fucking laughed at all his... He said you brought him up in a way that was demeaning and rude and you didn't like him

and that... I said, I said, he's a tough crowd. I said, tourgasm. I said, best comic New York, Opie Anthony. I did everything I could. Yeah. Oh, you're saying

you couldn't save him. It was his jokes that put him in that mood. No, his jokes were hilarious. I mean, the crowd doesn't get it, I guess. What?

What? What? What? What? I love you, buddy. You killed it. Oh, you killed it. Yeah, you did good.

No, but does Bobby really think that I have a beef with him? Yeah, he does. No, you killed it. Yeah, you did good. No, but does Bobby really think that I have a beat with him? Yeah, he does. No, it's Bobby. Yes, he does. Bobby. I've been trying for years. Bobby.

Bobby. Fuck him. Bobby. Fuck him, Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. All right, bye. Bye.

That's it, dude. Let's play these games. Interesting. Let's play these games. Let's play these games. Well, it's not a game. Let's play these games. It's not a game.

Let's play these games, dude. You want to play these games? Yeah, let's play these games. Well, it's not a game. Let's play these games. It's not a game. Let's play these games, dude. You want to play these games? Yeah, let's play. Let's play these games. Welcome back to Call Your Friend. Where is he? Are you calling Kevin Hart again? Right there.

I'll call Bobby right now. Let's call Bobby right now. Go ahead and do it. Let's call it. Right now. Let's see if he picks up. You're going to hang up on me. He'll pick up.

He'll damn well pick up. Mess around. You want to play a game? Bob. Right now. Let's see if he picks up. You're not hanging up on me. He'll pick up. He'll damn well pick up. Mess around. You want to play a game? Bob. Bobbo. Bobby Ree. Yeah, I said it. I said it.

I made the L and R. You got it, dude. Ree. He's going to pick up for sure. There's no doubt. I feel like when you call someone, they're going to pick up. Hey, this is... Please leave a message.

That's Bob Marley. I messed up. I'll just kill that. They're going to pick up. Hey, this is... Please leave a message. That's Bob Marley. I messed up. I'll just kill it. Bob Marley, a legendary Boston comedian. You know, this is one of these guys. I'm being genuine when I say this. I don't know him.

I never met him. But the legend of him is bigger than I think anybody can get to in these days. Here's a guy... Where you're famous, but you're so famous to a group that you've been famous to, the loyalty is unmatched. He sells out every time. I'm going to tell you what he did

and what more comics should do. People think that you do this until you become Chappelle. Or you become that big. If you don't make that, then something happens. You do it to get Rogan status or somewhere in that realm

of millionaire thing, right? But what a lot of comics should do is know their worth. And Bob Marley was like, I know my worth. I know I can keep trying here. I got millions of pilots, took all that money from holding deals,

bought real estate, and then he was like, you know what? keep trying here. I got millions of pilots. Took all that money from holding deals. Right. Bought real estate. And then he was like, you know what? I'm just going to go and be Bob Marley in Maine, in New Hampshire. The best in the Northeast.

I'm just going to go do it. I know my worth. I can sell out all these. I can do the math. I can make this much money. A lot of money. I'm going to sell all my shit here. I'm going to buy a massive compound down there.

And I'm just going to enjoy my life doing what I love to do and that's what he did which is great a lot of guys don't have that that moment in life with the like i what am i doing i've had that moment in life where now i'm like you know i do my comedy i go away the last two months of uh the year uh i mean in in july and august i, I go up to my lake house up there and I hang out with them and I do, you know, little gigs here and there

and then whatever else comes up, it comes up. So you know your worth. Well, it's, you can't, we spend a lot of time

just fucking trying to get to that thing. We don't even know what we're getting to. You don't even, it's like, dude, your kid grew up. Your wife doesn't like you anymore. You don't even know what we're getting to. You don't even, it's like, dude, your kid grew up.

Your wife doesn't like you anymore. You haven't seen your family in years. You have no friends outside the business. Yeah. It's just, dude, you see. And it's like, you gotta, you can't wait. Like my therapist, he goes, stop trying to retire. I'm trying to make so much money.

And when I get there and I'm a gazillionaire, blah, blah, blah, then I'm going to take time off to enjoy my life. No, this is it. This is it right now. Yeah. This is it right now. That's why me and you get along. We're very similar to that.

Well, because I do feel like this is it. I used to say that to my dad. It bugged me a lot. My father traveled for a living. And I'd be like, oh, did you do, you know. I would go now to the same cities that he used to travel to when he was in sales. Right. And I'd go, did you ever go to blank, blank, whatever in so-and-so city?

No, not really. We never left the hotel. And it makes me sad. I'm like, man, you could have just gone out and fucked off and did all this stuff. You were there. You were there for three days. You didn't get up one day, go want to go see something else. I have a hard disconnect with comics that don't want to go feel the city.

Because you're like, dude, this is your life yeah your life is the show at night as much as it is the thing during the day it makes me sad when guys like nah man it's fucking airport hotel show hotel airport yeah well that gives me anxiety i feel like i'm gonna die then then i'm gonna die in a tragic sad way yeah so i like living because we're this is it now like look i i'm going to die in a tragic, sad way. So I like living because this is it now. Look, I'm going to Scotland this year for fun, no gigs. But every time you say you're going somewhere, somebody goes, are you going to do a show? No, I'm not going to do a show.

I'm just going to go. Yeah, but you'll be there for a week and a half. You don't want to do a show? They don't get it. No, I don't want to do a show. I just want to go fucking hang out for a little while. Yeah. I don't have it in me.

I don't have it. I said, what's his name? The great Matt Rife was in New York. Matt Reich? Rife. Who was that? Young guy.

Gorgeous. Never heard of him. Really good looking guy. Matt Reig'd? Rife. Matt Rife. Matt Reif'd? Yeah,

what about him? The Third Reich is in New York right now. He is Hitler's dream, that guy. He looks exactly like what he would love. Here's the thing about that guy. Gorgeous. I like a gorgeous little chiseled jaw on the Matt Rife.

Hitler, we got your tickets to Matt Rife. Someone get on the computer and buy Rife tickets for us tonight, please. Hitler's a gay debutante that loves Matt Rife shows. He was definitely gay. Well, how about that, though? You know how people are deadheads? Yeah. Hitler was a Rife head.

Just rocking in his chair like this. I can't wait to see Matthew. Please make fun of me. Look at my mustache. I bought your merch, Matt. What did you see, Matt Rife? Go ahead. Go back.

No, he called. Someone fell out, and he actually hit me up on whatever. He's such a sweet kid. He's a great kid. He's like, would you like to come down and open at my Carnegie, whatever the fuck. He played Carnegie, yeah? Carnegie. And I was just like, no.

I'm with my kid tonight. Yeah, with my children. Me and my kid are watching fucking stupid videos. I bet your kid knows who Matt Rife is, though. Don't have wings. Yeah, he does. Of course. But it's like, I'm at a place where, look, maybe 10 years ago,

whatever, maybe I would have been like, I got to, this is the number one, maybe this will, I got to, it's going to do nothing for me. I'll go and murder and kill, and they'll still go, that first guy was all right. He was good. He was funny. Is that Matt's uncle?

Who was that? Every time I killed in front of Dane on arenas, and you know what I mean? You got nothing out of it. Dude, I go back to that city and it's like hey we're a little light on sunday it's like i just did 30 000 people i murdered not one of them went what's that let me just put his name down what's his name but what was social media big on when you were on that tour it well my space and stuff like that was big but it's not that it's

like when people stick they stick and you don't Dude, you've been doing this for how long? 15, 16 years. And now they're stickers, dude. You hooked up with fucking Bobby Lee. And it just, it sticks. It happened. Bang. All of a sudden, now you're touring and now you're. Well, it was like we created our own audiences, him and I.

And we definitely have different audiences. 100%. And then there were these like weird pie chart crossovers of people that liked us both. And then people that like maybe just him or just me. And now they've blended, which has been truly a blessing. Like a weird, beautiful... You know, my wife used to say all the time... And by the way, just to reiterate what you said, I'm very happy.

You're the happiest I've ever seen you. But I don't fucking try... I don't have the goal of like, I to do what louis does or yeah or even in my generation it's like shane like i'm not trying to like dude that guy i don't nine jokes you both could have said about that joke about what i don't want to do what louis does i don't need to sell out the guard like that's never been my i never had when i was a little kid i never had that like making a living doing comedy was all i wanted and i'm doing it so i'm like this is great yeah if it stays here this is great right so i'm grateful because of the it that it's real yeah people don't understand

that like i never had that dream we make so much money well you, you do. Even on the lower level. You do. You make more money than me. No. Are you fucking... By the way, 80% of my money goes to charity. Or, well, the church of Scientology, but it's charity is what we have to call it. I hope because you said... Well, I write my checks to Will Smith directly. I hope because you said that...

And he cashes them. They come and take it. No, you make great money. I see you. You're driving out there. You're driving a Lambo, directly. I hope because you said that, they come and take it. No, you make great money. I see you driving out there. You're driving a Lambo, dude. Oh, yeah. Fucking Lambo. Yeah, I brought my Lambo today.

It is. It's a nice car, dude. It's actually the car that I like. That's the one car that no matter how rich somebody gets, when they buy that, I'm always like, that's a shame. What's the one gift? That's a shame. It's the ugly.

Lambos suck. I think a Lam like, that's a shame. What's the one gift? That's a shame. It's the ugly. It's the ugly. Lambos suck. I think a Lambo's better than a Ferrari. Well, so you're wrong, but also, I mean, you're wrong. Who are you talking to? You. Did you just call me a Jew? No. What the fuck are you doing? No, dude, it's horse over bull all day. Ferrari's such a beautiful car. Lamborghinis

are so much better than a Ferrari. Lamborghinis are for goons. They're for goons. It's for like rappers and goons. It's a, I would, Lamborghinis, so much better than a Ferrari. Lamborghinis are for goons. They're for goons. It's for like rappers and goons. Yeah. Oh, actually, you do look goony. Yeah,

there you go. That, that's a perfect Lambo guy. That is a perfect Lambo guy. Um, I love a Lambo. Let me ask you a question. What's my dream car?

What? No, no, fuck the cars. What? Fuck a car. I mean, you can pick a car if you want.

What is your, what is, if you had, whatever the, if I right now, I could buy you whatever you wanted. Tax you want. What is your... If you had whatever... If I right now, I could buy you whatever you wanted. Tax, nothing. One thing that you'd be like, dude, can you get me this? Right now.

That you could just put on a watch, a car, a house. Right now, if I'll get you whatever the... Look at me. Anything you want. Anything. You think I'm lying. I swear to God, there's nothing.

I don't care. I don't... One thing. I don't want it. Play the game. I don't want it. Play the game. Something simple.

Like a... You know what I want? Like a G7 private jet. Something simple. If you said you had unlimited money Unlimited dude And I genuinely Whatever you want

I do not need shit I have a nice little humble house I have my bullshit toys I honestly Yeah It would be a plane I'd be like

buy me a plane then so I can just fly that for the rest of my life That's it I would And you know why I'd want the plane for practical reasons i want to do more i'd be able to go anywhere for comedy do more and you can rent it out and pay for it and all that i don't care about that if you're telling me i own it and i pay if it's free and clear right if you said what could

i it's travel then i can bring friends on the road with me and be like we're jumping on a plane yeah thanks to bobby kelly and we're going to. Right. I mean, a dream to me. I remember seeing pictures back in the day. I think back in the day they used to take guys to Aspen on a private jet. They flew out. Yeah. I remember that. Right.

Yeah, it's awesome. They would never fucking. Today it's like JFL is like, you got to pay for your own ticket. I remember going to JFL the first time and they're like, we don't buy your ticket out. What? Yeah, when I did New Faces. Oh, New Faces. Years ago.

Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, I was like, what? I can't even afford to fucking i think that lunch that changed yeah they had to because they got already changed that yeah it was absurd it was like dude yeah pay for my own ticket i lived with four people i can't fucking afford how the fuck i was gonna take a bus i was like did the buses go yeah do buses go to montreal 14 day trip i'm not even kidding i was like do buses go to Montreal? 14-day trip. I'm not even kidding. I was like, do buses go that far? They do. A train, I thought.

But yeah, I saw those photos as a young comic of like, you know, I don't remember who was on it. It was like Patton maybe and those guys were like, you know what I mean? Whatever. And I thought, man, that would be the coolest thing. On a plane with like my best friends going to do comedy. And it's not the private jet of it all. It's just like on a plane with all your friends would be the coolest thing. On a plane with my best friends going to do comedy. And it's not the private jet of it all. It's just like on a plane with all your friends would be... So yeah, if you had any...

Buy me a jet so I can do more comedy around the globe. What do you want from me if I had unlimited funds for you? An island. I want an island. I want an island. It's kind of an unsavory thing to want this time. Why unsavory? The last guy that had an island that looked like it, they got in some trouble.

Yeah. I want that island. You want a fucking island in real life? I want to whip it back up again. Revive it? I want to revive the island. What would you really want if I had all the money? An island.

Where though? I want an island in the Caribbean, like in a tropical place. i want like a johnny depp type island all right with you who is that i don't know who the fuck it is i want i want like an island yeah and i wouldn't mind like some stuff on it to let other people come so like you'd be like hey bob i want me and my wife want to go to the island for the week dude the, the island's there. The staff is ready to go, so just show up. You're good to go. So you're not there. I can go without you.

You'd take your jet, though. Your jet. Well, it'd be your jet. I guess. Then it's my island. It's our jet and I'm- It's our jet and I'm- Dude, I said-

See, this is how it started with Epstein. It's our jet. It's our island. He was pushing that narrative. It was our kids. I say, this is the sitcom we pitch, right? Called Our Jet, Our Island. Yeah.

Dude, an island? How great would that be? Yeah, no, no, no. Not for me. Why? Look, look, look. You know? You think I'm sitting at the beach?

You think I'm sitting at the fucking beach, dude? Look. What are you talking about? Can you never do that again? Please don't do it again. I'd rather see that guy tuck his balls into his asshole again i'm never gonna the beach to me you know what i'll show you pictures of me on vacation i'm in a full long sleeve with a baseball hat on

i swear to god dude and i'm under an umbrella dude no i like to go to the beach but why am i can't i come on i mean look like look this is me you, but why am I... Come on. I mean, look. Like, look, this is me. You're just a bore when you go on vacation with your wife? No, no. I'm drinking, but I got a long-sleeve shirt. I have a long-sleeve shirt on. You look like a piece of cod. I am.

You have full everything on. I have to. I burn. What am I doing at the beach? Put some stuff on. Spray your body. I do, but I'm always afraid that stuff... What are you?

You're Irish, right? No, I'm Cuban. You're Switzerland? No, I'm Cuban. You're Switzerland? No, I'm Dominican. You are? Papi! You're Dominican? I'm Italian and Irish.

Italian, Irish, half and half? You know what I am more than anything? What? American. You're goddamn right, dude. Greatest country on Earth. God bless. I love America so much.

Yeah. Name me a better place. I dare you. Go. Aruba? Jamaica. Ooh, I want to take you to Bermuda, Bahamas. Come on, pretty mama.

To Key Lago, Montego. Baby, why don't we go to Coca-Cola? We'll take it fast and then we'll take it slow. What did that mean? What did that mean? Take it fast and take it slow? I'm going to hold you down. Have sex and take it slow? I'm going to hold you down. Have sex and sleep.

Yeah, I'm going to date rape you. Okay. What, no? No. No. No. I'm going to take it fast and I'm going to sleep slow. I'm going to take it fast and I'm going to sleep slow.

Yeah. I'm going to take it fast. Did you ever read that book about Beach Boys? About Brian Wilson? No, I saw the movie though. Yeah, you can't read books. What am I talking about? And I know better than when I ask you the movie though. Yeah, you can't read books. What am I talking about? And I know better than

when I ask you about book stuff because I know you don't read books. I read... Jack and the Beach Dog is not like a... I never read that book. I know. I saw that movie though. You did?

I'm more of a visual guy. I actually have learning disabilities. I just got I got tested. I have learning disabilities. Yeah, we've been saying this for years Who's we?

The boys Who's the boys? That was the biggest insult When I lost the weight Is all the people Would come up and do We were worried about you I'm like

Never told me Yeah Were you guys just talking Behind my back Secret meetings about you? Yeah dude I fucking hate Well let me tell you

I was never worried about you Yeah you were Yeah you were Yeah you were were. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. Don't ever wink at me again like that. Your wink is. I was never worried about you. Please don't do that.

You're a fucking side-eye. I hate it. I'd rather look at your belly button again. Dude, what is it? What is it? Yeah, dude, I mean, it's funny because comics, we have side, we all have these side things going on. Side conversations about other people's shit.

It's so weird. We're such mewling, gossiping. Because we have to be. Yeah. I mean, it's just that thing. Because our whole life is predicated around meeting up with these strangers who have to become our peers and sometimes friends do the same job, which inherently invokes jealousy, envy, competition. So we're going to be little gossip girls.

Well, it's funny because you're sitting at the club last night and it's like someone comes in and I'm doing this and that. And it's like, oh, wow. I'm just sitting there. You know, cool. As soon as they leave, fucking whatever. Let me use fucking. It's an amazing conversation, wow. I'm just sitting there. You know, cool. As soon as they leave, fucking whatever. Let me just fucking. It's an amazing conversation.

Like this fucking. But sometimes it's just because that's how we love each other. We hate each other when we love each other. Yeah, it is. A little bit when sometimes there's a couple of people that I'm like, that fucking guy. It's so funny. Last time I had him like three times.

Three times. Say the names and I'll blank them out. Huh? Say the names and I'll blank them out. I don't trust you for a fucking. No, my editor'll blank them out. I don't trust you for a fucking... No, my editor will blank it out. I don't trust that little guy. I don't trust you at all.

You go off. You're like, Ali Wong. Fucking Jim Jefferies. Ali Wong. That's funny. She's like the nicest person. She's a sweetheart, man. And Jefferies, same thing.

I love Jim Jefferies. You know what's funny with Jim is like... I say that because we were on the show two nights ago together. With Jim quit drinking, he's as strong as he's ever been. And I remember one time he was saying how that was his worry, was like without getting loose and chilling and feeling like himself that he was not going to. Yeah.

It's strong as, I think, you know, I hate to say that stuff when someone's like, yeah, right. It's like stronger now than I think I've ever seen him. His stuff is fucking phenomenal. Yeah, I mean, he came in. I did my first Nasty show with him, Louis C.K., Nick DiPaolo, and Dave Attell. Where was this at?

At GFL. Oh, we were right. That was the show. The Nasty show. It was probably the best Nasty show ever. That is a great lineup. It was crazy, but he came in as that fuck-up. That guy.

Drinking and partying. Yeah. You know, he, but to see the evolution of him, I think he's the best he's ever been right now.

I mean, except for his jackets. Yeah, we have to talk to him about the jackets. Yeah, we don't wear earth tone leathers.

Stop it. Is that clay dyed? You gotta cut it out. He's gonna be watching and be like, these fucking assholes. Worst accent ever. Fuck Bobby Kelly. You know to cut it out. He's going to be watching like, these fucking assholes. Worst accent ever. Fuck, Bobby Kelly.

You know who I hung out with last night? Jason Ellis. Oh, yeah? Speaking of that accent. Sweet guy. Great guy, yeah. He can put his balls in his ass. No.

He does stuff like that. I don't think so. I don't think he does. I don't think so. Dude, all Australians can put their balls in their ass. I think it's just that one guy. Dude, that video. Show me again. I'm going to show you again. Before we go, show Australians can put their balls in that rant. I think it's just that one guy. No. Dude, that video.

Show me again. I'm going to show you again. Before we go, show me again. It's a crazy video. I am impressed by stuff like that. I know that's disgusting, and people at home are probably grossed out by this, but I got to tell you. Let me see. Here we go.

Boom. And wow. Oh, my God! It's unbelievable how low they hang. Do you hang low? Sometimes. You do? I love it when they hang low.

Would you ever sit on them? Have you ever sat on your nuts? I pissed on my own nuts. That's a size problem. No, that's a both problem. That's when two worlds mix. You got long balls and a small little pecker, Peter. My nuts were very low.

This is your penis. This is your penis right here. You kind of look like my penis. You actually look like my penis in full. No, no, no. That looks exactly like my penis. Nervous? Who's that?

Who's that little guy? Oh, I need to trim. I see little guy? Oh, I need a trim. I see all that facial hair. I need a trim. Would you ever do Fu Manchu or just a goatee? That's what your penis does. That's your penis. Don't ask me stupid questions.

Do a Fu Manchu. Don't ask me stupid questions. Do a Fu Manchu. I thought it's your other guy. I don't do that. Are you hungry right now? Hungry for for love scum uh you wink at me again i'm gonna poke the eye out and i'll be winking forever well i have a uh no no you don't dude i hate winks stop winking at me i swear to god i'll dig it out what if i just went i took it

and i threw a camera i talked about you last time i was uh Soda Show, and I spoke very highly of you. I loved you on Soda. I thought that'd get back to me somehow, but it didn't. It didn't. It didn't. Not a big deal. All right, plug your fucking dates. Hey, man, don't do this.

No, plug your bullshit dates. No, because the way you said it was so mean. It's like you don't care about me or nothing. No, this is what you do. You do this every time. Go to Robert Kelly. No, no, no. Go to Robert Kelly Podcasts or whatever it is.

Instead of feeling it, what you do is you get negative. You know what, dude? Yeah, see? Now you get negative. Just look into the camera and say, man, this is awesome. Why did you say comedian and actor on your profile? Because I am. Say it.

Say it. Say it. Say, hey, man, this is great. Feel it. Look at me. Look at me. Comedian and actor? Look at me. Don actor look at me don't

disconnect from me did you did you change your picture that was on your main page no please please don't okay no no no please please please don't look at me don't use tell me yeah tell me yeah how much of a good time you had best tell me best how much you love me a lot more than i love almost anybody on earth except for my mother it. It's you. Mom, you. Mom, you, wife. Dog, cat. And I give my plugs. Go to robertkellylive.com.

You can go see him. He's everywhere. He's all over. With a better tone. I want better tone. Please go to robertkellylive.com. You're going to see him at the Comics Roadhouse at Mohegan Sun. Then he's going to be at Tampa, Florida.

Side splitters. Go ahead to Huntington, New York, the Paramount. Then at Poughkeepsie, New York, he's going to be at Laugh It Up. Then Ryan, Comedy Festival in Houston, Comedy Mothership in Austin. Club 337, not a real place. What is that? It's a real place. He played a strip club. It's a great club. In Lafayette, Louisiana. Then he's in Boston at Laff Boss in Sarasota. More

and more as the year goes on. Go to RobertKellyLive.com to go see him. PunchUp.Live. Watch my special for free. Go watch his special for free at punchup.live. Robert Kelly. Put that down. I don't want you to have that in your hand. It makes me uncomfortable.

We end the show the same way. Go to robertkellylive.com. Go see him. I love him. One of my favorite friends. You're one of my favorite people in the world. Look into that camera and say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, go ahead.

Balls. in my asshole. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.