Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bobby Lee 2.0

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

Santino sits with Bobby to talk about eating animals, holding grudges and heyweregonnamakeamovie.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You what is wrong with you today, dude? What really this guy's irritating the fuck out of me, right? But don't but don't don't don't think about him. Okay. Yeah, but he's getting my mind right now. Is he? Yeah, so just switch just start here. Yeah, I was well, I don't know if I can shift that quickly. Yeah, you can in here We pour You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Mr. Bobby Lee. Robert E. Lee is your full name. Yes. You are a great grandson of Robert E. Lee, the Confederate soldier, correct?

Yes. Great grandson or great great grandson? What? Great great grandson or great great? Great great great great great grandson. Great great grandson. You know, if I was in the Japanese internment camps and you were like an American soldier,

you wouldn't slide bread underneath the fence to feed me. You don't think I would help you out? I don't think you would. In fact, I'll tell you why. Why? Because even coming to this fucking location, there was so much deception going on. Do you think I was trying to trick you on how to get here?

Well, this guy, Ari Maness, your sidekick. He's not my sidekick. He's my assistant. He's your sidekick? He's my assistant. He's your Robin. He's not really my Robin. He's like my little assistant.

Oh, your little assistant? He's like my little tiny assistant boy. This fucking guy. Nope. Back up, dude. Okay, you know what, dude? If he pops in again, dude, I will leave. And I'm telling you, if you don't think that I'm going to go through

with that, you're going to get another thing coming. Do you think in a fist fight you could beat him? I don't care. I dare you to come in again. Don't interrupt this, Ari. Let's start over, man. My energy. You're fine. Let's talk about the internment camps. This is where all the juice is for me. If you were in the camps, do you think I wouldn't help you out?

I would definitely feel bad for you. I'd be like, when are we leaving? When do we get released? And I go, listen, I talk to everybody. We're going to save a few. But you don't seem nimble enough to get away. Yeah, but I know how to, like, crawl.

I know, but you just seem, there's so much mass. You're just. So you're saying I'm fat? No, no, just round. Ah. And we can't roll you out of here. Yeah. But all I'm asking for is some bread.

I know, and you've asked for bread every day. So many days in a row that this is an issue for us. Yeah. So if you stop eating the bread, we can get you out of here. Okay, so let me ask you a question. Sure. We get no food. I would love to give you no food. No, but you have, you've been doing it. No, we've been giving you a little bit of here. Okay, so let me ask you a question. Sure. We get no food. I would love to give you

no food. No, but you have, that you've been doing it. No, I've been, we've been giving you a little bit of food. You've been eating other people's food. Oh, that's right. That's right. You keep eating other soldiers, other captives food. Right. So if you stop eating for say like an hour and a half, we can get you right out of here. How about like a tempura shrimp roll or something? Can you make one of those No Why Because We don't have any Of the equipment

Oh okay But listen We'll get you out Udon You don't have udon We don't have noodles here Oh I know how you guys like noodles

I love udon You guys being you Yeah Guys How about one of those Like beverages Where it's The ramekin

Yeah you pop it You pop the top What is that called You should know what that's called I don't know Is boba What's boba Tapioca balls Which was my nickname In high school Tapioca balls Yeah Wait a minute What is that called? You should know what that's called. I don't know. What's boba?

Tapioca balls, which was my nickname in high school. Tapioca balls? Yeah. Wait a minute. Is that not boba when you pop in the thing? That's not boba, bro. What is it then? When you pop in the thing with the drink, that little ball is just a bottle, like a solid glass ball.

You don't drink that? No. Well, you've never had the beverage? How do you know about that? Because I see little kids doing it all the time. It's just a fancy way of opening a bottle, but you don't actually ingest the ball. I see little Asian girls love that.

It's not Asian. Everyone drinks it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Oh, I like it. You're fucking, I love it. Yeah, they don't do it that way. And the way you Scream your eye

Yeah Look look look look I like it It's a drink Yeah You know what I don't Why do all Japanese commercials They jump and they soar

And Why do they have to go Because they're so happy When they take the product Because it's like Chocolate And they have to jump high Yeah why do white people

In like Diet Coke commercials Or whatever They take a sip And they just turn We go We go like this Yeah Yeah

Yeah I hate that Because what Because I don't buy the product When you're like that Well but you don't support Whites in general I fuck you I'm Mr. White

I love white people Who do you think is more white You or me I've eaten Who's more white I've sucked at white Penises Yeah you have sucked A couple of white people Yeah yeah And vag think is more white? I've eaten. Who's more white? I've sucked at white penises. Yeah, you have sucked at a couple of white people.

Yeah, yeah. And vaginas. Have you ever sucked black dicks? Never. Just whites? Yeah. Okay, cool. Maybe you do like whites.

Yeah, but I'm not gay. I know. All right. The audience knows that. Okay. Everyone's heard that before. You've got a beautiful, wonderful, loving girlfriend. Can I just say something?

My energy when I came over here Was so negative Yeah but you're good now I don't think I am So I just need a second To like catch up Okay You're just

You're so What if I sing you a song Fast mentally What if I sing you a song Sing me a song You ready Yeah Stop

Okay Before you go It can't be Please don't do no Asian bullshit No I promise I won't Because it really hurts my feelings Look at me I swear to God on my life

You know it doesn't hurt your feelings We're very close friends Why are you laughing at that That's your impression of Asian No that's not I have a pretty good impression Anyway don't do it Alright you ready

This is my song for you. Go ahead. Just relax and get in a better mood. I'm completely relaxed. Okay? Here, walking down the street with my friend. Doesn't that make you happy? Yeah.

Making me happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of you walking down the street makes me very happy. Well, the song goes like this. Oh, yeah. Tell me what the, because you did it on your Yeah. Well, the song goes like this. Oh, yeah. Tell me what the, because you did it on your podcast. Yeah. The song goes like this.

Me walking down the street, feeling so good to me. Yeah, yeah. Having fun with my friends. With my friends. To the end. To the end. Do, do, do, do me Walking down the street That's how it goes

God that's so sweet It's good I'm gonna record Oh You did it again You ripped it out twice I know You're gonna record what?

I'm gonna record that song Are you gonna do it too? I really am I'm gonna write the music And then record it And we were joking Before your brother has a band Would he do the music for you?

I can write the music What does he do? What does he play I mean? My brother sings And raps Does he play an instrument too? No I fucking love your brother

You know I've always loved your brother Are you being real? Have you done his show yet? No but he's never asked I've never bothered him But you You would do it? 100%

You know his YouTube shows Are doing good I'm sure they are Do you know how much We had so much fun When we went to Should I say the name of a restaurant That we really like or no?

Yeah go ahead Should I? Yeah Say it Park's Finest They are. Do you know how much, we had so much fun when we went to, should I say the name of a restaurant that we really like? No, should I not blow it up? Should I? Yeah. Say it. Park's Finest. Oh, the Filipino. So good.

You like it there? Oh, I loved it. Really? I've been there a few times since then. No, are you being real?

I swear to God. You came to my birthday party, right? Yeah. That's why I got that. That place was so low key good that I've taken two other people there. Yeah.

It's so good. It's mixed. It's half Filipino food and half. Just regular white people food. White people shit. Yeah. other people there. Yeah. It's so good. It's mixed. It's half Filipino food and half just regular white people food. White people shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool because the food's good there. It's simple. There's not a lot on the menu and it's still, you could, if you like Southern barbecue, you can still in your mind, you know, justify it. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have, if you, if you're someone who's not adventurous and someone says, oh, I don't know if I like Filipino food.

You could take them there and go, it's not Filipino food. Yeah, but you know what? I don't hang out with people like that. You know, I've taken girls out on dates before Kalilah when I was a date. And if they're, they're weird about food. Yeah. You know, it's like, this is what I love about Asian chicks. Okay.

White chicks. Yeah. They ask what it is before White chicks go Where are we going? Or what is this? What is this? What are we eating?

Is this duck? It's mongoose shoulders And they won't eat it Is that legal? Yeah right And they won't eat it Asian chicks eat it first And they go

What did I just eat? That's cool And then you're like Mongoose shoulder Oh it's good Oh I've had that before Yeah They have the then you're like, mongoose shoulder. Oh, it's good. Oh, I've had that before. Yeah. They have the balls.

I'll eat the mongoose balls right now. Yeah, yeah. Happy. It's a lot of white chicks when they're not adventurous in that way. Yeah. I can't do it. You write them off? Well, like, you know, there's a couple of comics.

Like, you know this black kid named Trey? He works at the Comedy Store. He's a skinny white black dude. What about him? Do you know him? I mean, I don't know him on a personal level. But do you know who I'm talking about? Sure.

He lives with Ehsan and that other black guy, Derek. Sure, sure, sure, sure. So the other day, he was opening for me. It was in San Diego. Went to a nice restaurant. And then out comes calamari. Right? Just regular old fucking calamari not fried you're fried okay you

know with the you know they look like the rings and they have you don't have to get it fried though some people eat it not for i i've eaten in different different ways yeah yeah right okay so it comes out calamari comes out comes out what am i am i not telling the story fast enough no i didn't mean to interrupt you i was being polite yeah but what you're doing right now, I like. I cut you off. No, keep doing it. I cut you off. Go ahead. Okay. So, I love you so much. I don't know why I love you. Let's see. So, the calamari comes out and he just stares at it.

And I go, eat it. He goes, yeah, man, I don't know what it is. So what? First of all, I'm going to tell you what it is, but you're going to eat it. And he goes, it depends on what it is I go it's calamari He goes I've never heard of that Did you lie to him And tell him something else

No I told him It's you know It's calamari It's calamari We explained to him what it is He goes I've never eaten seafood In my life

What He's never had shrimp How do you not have shrimp Or lobster And any of that shit? All right. What? You're going to make me say something racist.

I've never met one black dude that doesn't like seafood. In the history of the U.S. I've never met a black dude. Every black friend I have loves seafood. Yeah. Every black friend I have loves seafood. Once they have it. No, dude.

Every black friend I know grew up with it. Right. Seafood is like a... I feel like I know more whites that are snotty about seafood. Because what you're saying right now to me sounds crazy.

Because I always imagine the opposite. Dude. It's like, this is what I heard. Do you think black people don't like seafood? No, yeah, listen to what,

when you go to the South. But listen to this, listen to this. Okay, go ahead. It's like you saying this. Okay. All my black friends know how to swim.

Well, you know that's not true. But that's what true but that's what i'm saying that's what it sounds like to me i'm telling you yeah i'm telling you right now every black dude i don't know any black guys that eat seafood no way yeah it's crazy to me i'm trying to think of one that we have mutual friend in common yeah but a few that i know two are vegan yeah i. Ian Edwards is vegan. Yeah. He doesn't eat anything.

I've had dinner with him. It's irritating. You know what? He actually turned me on to veggie grill and I've had that before. I like veggie grill. It's fine.

That's what I mean. But I'm saying that he could He doesn't have to turn you on to it. There's just a chain. Well, dude, I was against all that shit.

You were. I don't like tofu. I don't like chicken. Chicken. Yeah. were I don't like tofu I don't like fake Chicken Chicken Yeah I don't like chicken I don't like fake versions

Of the real thing Right The biggest problem I have With all that stuff Is that they shape meat To look like it's real meat They shape fake Why

Yeah I don't like that I think They're making like When they When they clone the meat now Would you eat that No I just need the real thing Right I want the real thing Or nothing at all When they clone the meat now, would you eat that? No.

I just need the real thing. Right. I want the real thing or nothing at all. Yeah, but it just makes me sad. I mean, we are hurting these animals. No, we're not. We're killing them. Yeah, but that hurts when you get killed.

And then it's over quick. I know, but it's still that initial. So is that it's okay to kill just anything that's alive? Things that we need for nutrition. Yeah. Yeah. But we can survive without it. Who can?

Humans. Why do you have teeth? To chew vegetables. To tear through flesh. Vegetables. That's why we have teeth. To tear through flesh. Is that why?

Literally, that's why we have teeth. Oh, so if like if we were just herbivores, if herbivores, like deers, right? Let me just ask you, fucknut. Yeah. Deers. Have teeth. Yeah, do they eat meat?

No. Exactly. But they have little baby bullshit teeth. We do all. We grew real teeth. I didn't know you were a zoologist. I'm a zoologist. A zoologist. No, but is that real?

So it's like... We have teeth so we can chew through muscle and flesh. Right. But let's... Okay, let's say this. Then someone could say... Then a vegetarian or a vegan would say, oh, yeah, but we've advanced now

and we don't need to do that to stay alive in the food chain. We're already at the top. My argument is that's fine. We don't need to do a lot of things that we continue to do. I like it. Right. Do I think there's ethical treatment of animals that should be done for me to eat food?

Sure. Do I also think There should be world peace Yeah Like what the fuck Let me ask you another question Too big Let me ask you another question Yeah

Are you against The Yulin dog eating festival Am I against it Yeah Is it a festival Where everybody eats dogs Yeah In where

Yulin China Yulin Yi Wang Yeah yeah There's this thing where? Yulin, China. Yulin. Yi, Wong. Yeah, yeah. There's this thing called the Yulin Dog Eating Festival. And they just eat dog. What breed though?

Well, that's the thing. That matters to me. If you look at photos and videos. You can't eat like a golden retriever. I'd be upset. Videos. And they boil golden retrievers alive. Alive. And they steal it from people's houses.

Wow. But there are poor people. Yeah, and they need it. And they need it. And's houses Wow But there are poor people Yeah and they need it And they need it And so With that justification Is that okay 100% Here's why

It's so funny That you say that It's not my culture Can I say something Yeah I guarantee you Yeah Cause I have videos

Of the way they treat these dogs If you can look At these videos From beginning to end Then I will believe you But I don't think you can look at these videos from beginning to end then i will believe you but i don't think you can they're fucking heartbreaking listen listen we both have dogs i tell you how much i have three dogs i love animals okay you know that well let's just say it out loud you just said it right i love it i love animals as well but uh-huh that's not my culture and those people are

starving i have no right to say what's wrong or right over in their culture, okay? That's all I'm saying. Wow. Do I think it's cool? Yeah. Do I like it? No. I don't think you should cook golden retrievers.

You can cook chihuahuas. I don't like those fucking dogs anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just think like, if I'm being serious, who am I to step into a culture thousands of years older than my culture and say the way you've been doing it

For thousands of years is wrong Well because we live in the modern age though I don't have But that's not my job I know but in Peru In Peru There used to be a cat eating festival Cool I fucking hate cats

I love cats Eat them all I love them Eat them all They're my I am part cat No that's That's when they see your Reddit

and fucking ugly face. I go, get the fuck out of here. And they go. No, no, no. But eventually they said,

what are we doing this for? Why are we eating cats? Yeah. And they stopped it. If they have access to other food, but if these other poor people don't have access to other food. Yeah,

they can eat other things. Maybe they love the taste of dog. Have you ever tasted golden retriever? Well, here's the, let me say that. Have you ever tasted golden retriever? Anyone that Let me say Have you ever tasted golden retriever Anyone that's been

I've talked to veterans Of world war two Not world war two Korean war My bad The Korean war It's such a big difference I've talked to veterans

Of world war two I'm sorry The cold war I've talked to veterans Of the cold war Can I just say this Let me And anyone listening to right now,

okay, I'm not a historian, but this is what I know for a fact. Yeah. World War II, what was the war right after World War II? What? The American War. The American War.

No, the wars that America has fought in, right? We fought in World War II, correct? The Gulf War. No, but what was the war right after that? After World War II. Yeah. The Korean War. Right. Yes what was the war right after that? After World War II. Yeah. The Korean War. Right.

Yes. Correct. So it's not that far of a stretch. What is it? When I said World War II and I meant to say Korean War, they're pretty close next to each other. No, one of them was a war involving the world and the other one was us and the Koreans. Big, big difference. One of them had hitler remember that guy dude i swear to god dude if you were a teacher and you talked to me like that you hear

as i talk to you as a teacher i would literally walk out of the class okay how about this we'll do a teaching exercise say mr sant Mr. Santino, ask me, hey, what's the difference between World War II and the Korean War? Ask me as your teacher. Mr. Santino. Oh, yes, Robert, yes. I was wondering,

what's the difference between World War II and Korean War? Everybody laughing, this stupid fucking Korean kid. Get out of here, you dipshit. I don't think you would do that. I would never. Yeah, yeah.

I could never be a teacher, though. I give them a lot of credit. But anyway, let me go back to the Korean War fucking thing. So, you've spoken to people who were in the Korean War. Yes, veterans. And they say, because back, soldiers, American soldiers, ate dog meat out there. Because they had to. Yeah out there Cause they had to

Yeah Not cause they wanted to And they And if They all Said it was great meat Yeah That's number one

And number two Yeah And just a little history lessons To you racists out there Those guys Yeah Yeah The word

The word gook Comes from the Korean War We talked about this. I know. So I'm just going to throw that out. I don't want to get into detail about it. But we never talked about this on anything that got out. That's on our unreleased episode.

Oh, I have not talked about it? Do you know a lot of fans hit me up about our unreleased episode and I say we'll never let it out? I'd like to listen to it, though. I'll give it to you. Yeah, yeah. But tell me the meaning of the word gook. You told me what it out. I'd like to listen to it though. I'll give it to you. Yeah. But, but tell me, tell me the meaning of the word gook. You told me what it meant. Well, people think that gook comes from the Vietnam war. No, but it comes with a Korean war. Yes. Okay. I do remember this. So, um, wait, wait, you, you explain it to me the way you remember it. I think you told me, um, this is

going to get taken out of context. Santino says gook online. You told me that gook meant, me gook, me gook means white or American? American. Yeah. So when they would see American soldiers, they would say, me gooka, me gooka, which was like, the Americans are here. Yeah. Warning the village. No, not warning.

It's just a thing like Was it mocking? No it's like If If Like let's say Romulans Was helping us LA

Fight the Russians Sure And a Romulan Walked through a village Or Los Feliz Yeah We'd be like Oh dude Romulan

No You would just point And say or Los Feliz. Yeah. We'd be like, oh, dude, Romulan. No. You would just point and say, why would you just point? I would never like, a group of Mexican guys isn't sitting in East LA in Boyle Heights and then sees like

a Chinese guy walk through and they're not like, Chinese! Yes, it would be If you'd never seen one before Sure That was the preface You needed to

Preface that by the way Yeah They've never seen American soldier Ever So how do they even know What MeGook was then Cause

They Like We've never met a dinosaur Right We have a word for it right Who hasn't met a dinosaur You What You're looking at I've never met your mom Right We have a word for it right Who hasn't met a dinosaur You What

You're looking at I've never met your mom Is that what you're saying She's got a big Dinosaur pussy Your mom Whoa What does she have

Big dinosaur pussy Keep chalking this up Jurassic When these are Yeah Jurassic hole Is what we all call it But your mom was a pterodactyl

For sure She's fine. Flying through the air. Yeah, she's a fucking weasel geesey. Yeah. That's your family of birds. Fuck you, man. Fucking bitch.

I love you. Love you, dog. So MeGook was yelled at the Americans because they were Americans. Yeah. And then Americans took it back and racially threw it at Asians. Yeah, calling us gook.

Which is really strange because it's not offensive. It's not. So people that say that, not we, not me, they're calling Asians Americans. Yeah. That's kind of nice. It is kind of nice, but it's all in context, right? So we should say it more. I think that the N-word.

Which word? The N-word. Nice? No.word nice no no the word no nintendo nintendo no um the n-word you know friends black friends talk to each other right they say the n-word what's up my nintendo right hey what's up nintendo and they're like what's that right right right right right but then there are other situations where they go, let's hang that Nintendo. Let's hang that Nintendo. Why? Why, Bill? Why, Bill?

Because he's a Nintendo. You fixing to hang a Nintendo? Yeah, he's a porch Nintendo. Did you see what happened? What happened? We turned our back for 10 minutes and done Nintendo's moved in. Yeah. You know what we got to do? What we got to do our back for 10 minutes and done Nintendo's moved in. Yeah. You know what we got to do?

What we got to do? Hang them the mother fuckers. I'm kicking out them Nintendo's. I'll go over to that Nintendo's house right now. Yeah. I'll tell them, listen here, Nintendo. I'll tell you how we catch them. We take a bunch of bananas and some crack.

Right? You know what I invented? Crack? Crack dipped in watermelon juice Is that out By the way these are Do we have to cut that out No these are just characters

These are characters And we're doing a scenario We're mocking racist people But is that Gonna get cut out of the podcast No leave that in That can be Okay good

Why cause we're mocking racist people Yeah we are mocking racist people Yeah we're mocking racist people Yeah But yeah it's just about like so when if you know if an asian guy calls me a gook it doesn't offend me but it just depends on what your intention is but the n-word is used in the black community as a term of endearment that's right but but gook doesn't is not used as a we should we should would you like

to for real yeah is that something that you think would work like if if you called me a goop But with like a No see I wouldn't No but ending with like A hard If you ended it with a hard K Yeah if I was like That'd be weird Yeah But if you went

Ah I think Gua Yeah yeah That'd be good That'd be good That'd be fine Can we do that

Yeah yeah Gua White people don't have enough Well they don't have any Racial epithets And that's kind of lame Like every other race Has racial epithets But white people are such Assholes about it We don't have enough well they don't have any racial epithets and that's kind of lame like every other race has racial epithets but white people are such assholes about it we don't have any yeah

like you can't like cracker doesn't hurt me i think about why you guys like to occupy people's lands what is it inside you that don't put me in this category as if i colonize other places why did whites do that yeah because you look at they at, they did it, the English did it in India. First of all, everybody did it. It's all religion, if you want to break it down. Everything is based on religion. Land and separation, colonization, that's all religion. There's two people that did it, though.

Two men in the whole world? No, two types of people, like races, I guess. Two races? Yeah, whites. Okay. And the Japanese did it. Did they? Oh, they were huge at colonizing. Like races, I guess. Two races. Yeah. Whites. Okay. And the Japanese did it. Did they?

Oh, they're huge at colonizing. They did it in Japan, Korea. Right. They love to oppress and take over. Oh, the British were the best. And then we showed them, man, right? Yeah. Kaboom. Kaboom, dude.

In your face, nippy. No, that was awful. me something yeah do you think do you think asia is more racist to other asian cultures than america you know that to be true dude you know that to be true and you're just asking me that question so that you can catch me saying something time out do you think when you say time do you think america is still really racist do you think there's still really racist? Do you think there's a lot of racism still here in America? I think so, yeah. Tons.

Yeah. Do you think it's more than it used to be? When you were a kid, do you feel like it was more racist then or now? Oh, it was more racist then. It was. Because then... I think it's different racist.

It was a different kind of racism. Secret racism now. Yeah, it's bubbling up to the surface and it was because Of eight years of Obama Because you hated him I loved Obama I voted for Obama twice You told me you voted against Obama twice

And you said you voted for Trump That's crazy But you are a big Trump guy Now you're a big Trump guy You are now Why do you have the bumper sticker on your car What do you mean You gave that to me I thought that was

A nice Oh fuck Just again Hold on Why does that keep Is this popping out Yeah It's just sensitive

It's a sensitive thing Yeah Yeah I think it's Bubbling up to the surface And it's like I honestly Can I ask you a question though How does anybody

I get in the beginning Let's vote for him you think like oh you're you're saying like republicans were like yeah did this guy's he could be good well no i think people maybe voted for as a goof or like they just hated hillary so they're gonna vote for i think a lot of people hated voted him because they hated hillary exactly i don't believe that too but that happens a lot in elections people vote for the other person right can't stand but how at this point are people behind this guy i mean he's obviously here's why why here's how have you ever put together furniture by hand yeah like from ikea right yeah okay once you've gotten to like the third to last piece and you know you fucked up

you won't start the piece over you You're not gonna deconstruct the table. That's a very funny thing. You're just gonna be like, we're gonna go with this cabinet. That's a very funny thing. It's missing a slider, but we're just gonna stick it the fuck out. That's why.

Right. If you've invested so much into something, people have more, people have more anxiety about admitting they were wrong than just going deeper into a hole of being completely wrong by going no no fuck it well fuck you then it's easier to for people to to get defensive about being

wrong than it is about them to admit their faults yeah have you ever heard the phrase it's better to um beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission do you know that phrase well that's like the american way is like you keep fucking it up Keep fucking it up Keep fucking it up Consciously And it's better off That way for you Than it would be If you asked

Because if you asked They'll say no It kind of reminds me Of Jeffrey Dahmer And his dad He was such a funny dude Jeffrey Dahmer Oh yeah

His impressions So good He did a dead on impression Of Ted Bundy I know that Ted Bundy And his Ed Gein. His Ed Gein was good.

Oh, my dead on. I've seen it. Yeah. Did you ever see Ted Kaczynski's SNL audition? It was so good. No. Yeah. Blew up.

It was so good. No, but like Dahmer, just to the end of when he was in prison, his dad stuck by him the whole time. Because of? Because of, there's like yeah stuck by him the whole time because because because of there's like i made him yeah you know it's weird when parents stick by crazy when they're when their kids go nuts and they're like i think that they're getting misjudged this isn't who they are and you're like they shot up a fucking middle school and they're like that's not who he really is right yes it is but even but yeah i know exactly but even with dahmer's who he really is. Right. Yes, it is. But even, I know exactly, but even with Dahmer's case, he even is like,

he's crazy. He's a bad guy. I love him. He's my son. Do you think you would be like that with your son? I, yeah.

You do? Well, it's like my dog, Julio. Your dog, Julio. Julio. Julio from Gangsters Paradise? No, Julio with like a Mexican And Span and Mouse No no

Coolio Gangsters Paradise No no no Your dog is Coolio Hey bro Hey bro Yeah that guy That's Coolio

Yeah that's Coolio Hey bro Hey feed me dog Yeah Coolio Is the worst dog I could ever have He bites people Fine

You know he's He barks 24-7 But does he only bite people That deserve to be bitten No He bites anybody He has no He's just a bad dog

Your animals have never attacked me I know Because you're a beast master In that way That's right So Julio bites If you fear If they sense

If Julio senses any kind of fear He just He pounces He's just a bad little guy right Yep But I love him Yeah Because I raised him Since he was just a bad little guy right yep but I love him yeah because I raised him

since he was like a tiny little puppy and we had a guy come over if he killed a baby you're walking Julio walking down the street you're walking Julio

and a woman is like oh look at that dog and she's skiki skiki skiki got a little baby in a little carriage and she's like oh can we pet your dog

and you're like Julio's a little little giant oh come on it's not that Little giant She goes Oh come on It's not that big of a And he goes And rips the baby's head Right off of its body

And you both are sitting there And Julio And he's fucking Got the baby's neck Flopped off And he's biting it to death Yeah And the woman's like

Are you gonna defend the dog No I'm gonna say I'm so fucking sorry. I'm going to feel guilt over it and shame. Because the baby's dead. I'm going to feel guilt and shame. It's a white baby, by the way.

Oh, it's the worst. Oh, my God. Now I'm even. Because I was imagining like, you know, a Filipino baby. Right. It wasn't as harsh. Right. It's a white baby.

So do you care less now? No, I would care either, whatever baby it was. What kind? You'd be hurt either way. It would be devastating. But if they say you have to put Julio? No, I would care either, whatever baby it was, what kind. You'd be hurt either way. It would be devastating. But if they say you have to put Julio down, would you let him go? And I would agree.

I would agree because it's not as if Jeffrey Mott Dahmer's dad is like, he doesn't deserve to be in prison. He's like, he deserves that. He just still loves him. He still, so I would be there at wherever, at the pound when they put him down.

But you're like, he doesn't deserve it. And I'd be, it's okay, Julio. And I'd cry. I love you, Julio. It's okay, Julio. And then he'd go, no. And he dies. Right?

And then it would be devastating, but I would be there. You would? Yeah, and I would apologize to this person for life. Do you think animals have the answers to the universe? They have answers, yeah. Do you think so? No, dipshit. Do you think so? I answers to the universe? They have answers, yeah. Do you think so? No dipshit. Do you think so?

I just said no dipshit. They don't have no answers. I think a dog knows. I'll tell you why I know that that's not true. How come they know when earthquakes are about to happen or when rain is going to come? Because maybe they're... Why are they more connected?

It's not that they're connected? It's not that they're connected It's just that they have Their ears They can hear things And they can smell for miles Yeah But that's because of hunting And all that shit

I know but they don't need Those traits anymore Why do they still have them? That's why we don't have tails That's all gone So why can they still hear And smell so well? Like when I get in the elevator with my dog.

Yeah. And we go into this. Imagine a dog has no concept. Of being in an elevator. Being in an elevator. He doesn't know how it works. Well, neither do I, to be fair. Yeah, but you know that it's moving up and down.

That's kind of what he knows as far as I'm concerned. My dog knows it goes up and down. I don kind of what he knows as far as I'm concerned. My dog knows it goes up and down. I don't think he knows that. You think it just gets in a room and it takes you to a new place? I think he gets in a room. He thinks you're a magician. The door closes. And when it opens, you're in a different place.

I feel the exact same way. Excuse me? That's exactly how I feel when I get in an elevator. Really? I get into a box and I go to a new place. Yeah. Yeah. But he just accepts it.

He accepts it. Yeah. Do you clean up your dog shit? Something tells me you leave it often. In the house? Does your dog shit in the house, Bobby? Sometimes. Your dog poops inside?

It has. It has had accidents. And what do you do? Do you make a meat? I fucking clean it. Oh. Do you make a meat? I fucking clean it. Oh. Do you make a meat or rub it his face in? No, I don't do any of that.

Are you saying outside? Yeah, outside. Do you leave it? Yeah. Every time? I've never cleaned it. You're such an asshole. What?

You're just leaving poop all over the place. Are you out of your fucking mind right now? You're going to clean up poop. It's called fertilization, bro. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. It stays there forever.

You don't think that, you don't think, it takes so long for dog shit to break down. You don't think, because there's so much rich protein in their diet. Exactly,

and you don't think the little grass beads like it? They don't. They love it. It kills grass. I know, but the next generation. When people see you

leave the dog shit, don't they give you a look? The next generation of grass loves it. Oh, so you're thinking about the future. Yes. When people see you do that

Don't they go Hey Clean that up And I pretend I don't even know English I don't I don't Yeah yeah I don't

This is wag I work for wag Yeah Because I see other shits in the grass Oh so if they do it It's okay for you to do it It's fine That's an interesting way

I bet Kalilah cleans that shit up Yeah she brings those Little thin bags Yeah poop bags Yeah I don't know how I don't even know how to open them One end is open And the other end Have you ever gone grocery shopping

Can't open them Have you ever gone grocery shopping I'm your guest dude What's your tone about right now Have you gone grocery shopping Check your tone dude Yeah I have gone grocery shopping

Let me talk about something happy And exciting Everybody knows You're a big soccer fan Are you excited? About what? Soccer season? It's been going on

It's in the middle of it right now Are you excited for Arsenal? Not really Why are you talking to me about soccer? You don't know anything about it I'm a huge soccer fan You do Huge

What team do you support FSC Oh really they're great No you don't It's a topic that I don't want to talk to you about Because you don't know anything about it I like scolding FC What's scolding FC

You don't know scolding England No You've never heard of scolding FC No They're phenomenal They're not in the premier league Pika is there Yes

Pika is there No they're not in the premier league They're not in the Premier League Pika is there Yes Pika is there No they're not In the Premier League He's from Lithuania They're not in the Premier League Jenny Mai is there Jenny Mai is not a guy

Jenny Mai Oh Jenny Mai He's great Micah Jenna Mai Yeah yeah Yeah What's the manager's name Toklosk

Big fat British Yeah he's great Toklosk Toklosk is great Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Yeah Mumbai Mumbai He's great Toclos Toclos is great Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Yeah Mumbai Mumbai is great He's from Nigeria

He's phenomenal He's phenomenal But I can't believe He's blind He is blind Yeah that's true But he has the senses of a dog If you could have been a pro athlete

In any sport What would it have been? Soccer Really? Yeah because My honest feeling is Is that it's the best sport Ever created

I hate 90 minutes non-stop I hate football American football When I watch I don't like the fans That's pretty broad There's a lot of people

That like football I don't like the fans You don't like anybody That watches football They're gung-ho now Like I have I used to have a friend I used to have a friend

That had Everything was like A grayish star Because of the Dallas tattoos. That's like saying I don't like people that are gung-ho about anything. If you're gung-ho about anything, I'm a little weirded out. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Well, yeah, but that's not just football.

But soccer fans are nuts, dude. There's some soccer fans that are fucking. Can I tell you why, though? Yeah, why are they justified? There's some soccer fans that are fucking. Can I tell you why, though? Yeah, why are they justified? Because it's so deeply rooted into their culture.

So is American football. Not as, no, because the thing is that, look at England, for instance, right? Ugh, tough to look at. Go ahead. It's a sport that the world is playing. So China, Russia, and all that stuff has leagues, right? But on top of that, in England specifically, the sport has been there since the 1800s. Sure.

Right? Generations upon generations. So has American football. I understand that, but there's a bunch of sports that America's like. They like baseball. Baseball. Basketball. Basketball.

Football, right? There's a lot of things that they like. Right. And it's not as integrated into their culture. Well, we just have a lot of different sports because we're more dynamic.

Also, England is such a smaller place. It's a tiny little spot. And every little town has a football club. Scalding FC. Whatever. That's not a real thing.

Yes, it is. Scalding FC is a real team. What league are they in, though? It's Canadian league. Ah, yakata. Yakata. Ah, yakata. Anyway, I don't want to talk about soccer anymore.

I'm not being mean about it. It doesn't mean anything to me, but I wanted to hear your thoughts on it. Because I don't think a lot of people know that you're a big fan of soccer. I'm a big Arsenal FC fan. Yeah, people don't know that. I love. People might think you like soccer a little bit. You've talked about it.

No, I'm obsessed with the team. I know everything personal FC fan. Yeah, people don't know that. I love. People might think you like soccer a little bit. You've talked about it. No, I'm obsessed with the team. I know everything about the team. I know. Who's the worst player on the team? Carl Jenkinson. Fucking Jenkinson. Yeah. Is he a white guy?

Mm-hmm. He's a right back, I believe. And he doesn't play that often. But when he does, he shits the bed. It's not that. It's not that. It's just that he doesn't play that often. But when he does, he shits the bed. It's not that. It's just that he's just not world class. He doesn't deserve to be on Arsenal.

No, he's a huge Arsenal fan. And he's very talented. It's just that he's no Bellerin. Nobody's Bellerin, bud. He's cute. He's a cutesy patootsy. I know. I love him.

He's on the national Spanish team. He's great. See, that's what I like about you. Did you see Bird Box? No. You know why? Why? I have a thorough level of anxiety in my life. I have extreme anxiety.

I have bad anxiety, like clinical depression and anxiety. And my anxiety is really, really bad. Like it keeps me up for days. And it's so bad that if I watch a movie like that, I might kill myself. Okay, can I say this? Watching that, what the trailer gave me such anxiety, I had heartburn.

Because it was like, blindfold, in the woods. It's too much. Okay, can I say something? Mm-hmm. I'm a huge Sandra Bullock fan. Are you? I like her. What's your favorite Sandy movie?

I mean, I enjoy her. Blindside. Yeah. That's my favorite one. You just love her. I just like her. I think she's likable. In this movie, she's phenomenal, I've heard.

She's great in it. I love John Malkovich. Huge fan. Yeah, he's phenomenal, I've heard. She's great in it. I love John Malkovich. Huge fan. Yeah, he's in it too. Yes. It's a piece of shit. They should call it shit box.

Shit box? It's terrible. Because people like that. I don't know who. Who are these people? 46 million, according to- People saw it. Yeah, a lot of people watched it. My girlfriend and I turned it on, right?

It's one of those things where you this is good you look at each other you go this is good yeah you get excited 30 minutes in it's good right

45 minutes in what's going on there's a script right you whisper mhm an hour in this is fucking terrible let's finish it

hour and a half in I fucking want fucking terrible. Let's finish it. Hour and a half in. I fucking want to kill myself. There's two hours of this film? Dude, it doesn't make any fucking sense. But you finished it? Yeah. Is the ending a good payoff? Because of the fact, no.

That's what it fucked me up to. Yeah. The ending? Yeah. You're not gonna tell me what it is! You're not gonna tell me what it is! Oh my God! It was like that. That's how mad you got. Yeah. You're not gonna tell me what it is? You're not gonna tell me what it is? Oh my God!

It was like that. That's how mad you got? Yeah. Furious. You have to tell me what it is! But they didn't? They didn't. It's like watching Jurassic Park.

And an hour and a half in, you're like, there's no dinosaurs! There's no dinosaurs! There's no dinosaurs! That's what it was like. Yeah. Yeah. So you would- Watch Star Wars. There's no stormtrooper!

So you wouldn't recommend it? This is not- I think I'm screaming too much. Sorry. That's fine. Everyone's working here. I apologize. No, they don't care.

The bit's done. Hey. The screaming bit's done. So you wouldn't recommend Shitbox? You should watch it. Watch it. Can I tell you? I walked out of a movie.

What movie? Put that below you So it doesn't block Your pretty face I watched I walked out of a movie And I'm not talking shit But I felt so bad

Because I love Both of these guys But I took My little sister And my mom and dad To see Watson and Holmes Holmes and Watson Will Ferrell

And John C. Reilly Great It was Great So bad Watson and Holmes, Holmes and Watson, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Great. It was so bad. It got a six on Rotten Tomatoes. 6%. Six. My God. We had to leave.

You left. Yeah, I walked out. I haven't walked out of a movie in like a decade. Yeah. And I walked out. It was really bad. Yeah.

And I love those guys. Yeah, it was just not there But do you when you go to the movie? Do you know you do you look at Rotten Tomatoes? That's what I did. I look at Rotten Tomatoes. I did this I didn't have any plan on seeing the movie my sister said let's go see a movie my parents were fighting my dad's already Gonna go fuck it shit if I whatever complaining so we all got fine fine We just went at a time and we said What's playing close to the time My little sister said What if we see that

That's Will Ferrell And I said That doesn't look that great And my mom said We'll see it No what you do Is you Google it And you see what it got

With my parent They're old It's like What you just gotta do it Right And also any movie I would wanna see They're not gonna wanna see

Like we went to go see The Favorite They didn't wanna see The Favorite Yeah yeah yeah But it was like You were at home you're in the midwest wherever you're from chicago chicago yeah yeah and anyway oh let's go see a movie it was only five dollars to see a movie in chicago wow so when you when you're watching it and you're you're seeing how bad it is i mean when did it get bad my mom and my dad fell asleep within like 10 minutes and i turned on my little

sister and i was like oh is this bad she was like, this is, I don't get it. Like, we didn't get why it was so bad. I couldn't put it together. Because the comedy was trying. Yeah, yeah. But something was so deeply missing. Yeah. It was just, so within 35, 40 minutes maybe we left.

I love really bad movies like that, though. Different, though. This isn't the same, it's not that kind of good bad. Like, my buddy texted me and he said, you out of homes and watson i said yeah he goes keep in mind you stayed for the entire tyler perry's medea boo chris boo halloween i stayed for the whole boo tyler perry's medea boo yeah and that was terrible yeah but it's so bad it's good yeah this isn't so bad it's so funny that you say that because i'll watch it even when it's so bad it's bad. There's a movie called Saving Christmas. Saving Christmas.

You know what that one is? You watch that movie. I've seen it 30 times. Why? Because I love Kirk Cameron. It's such a bad film. I know. It's so bad and it makes me feel so disgusted when I watch it. I hate even the

props. But what do you win go watching it again just little details like when kirk cameron drinks the hot chocolate it's obviously there's nothing in it like this yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you can see him like tip it and there's nothing in it but he does the acting thing where he swallows it and he pretends he enjoys it fuck that guy i fucking hate that guy so much no you don't oh dude if kirk cameron was here i would go he'd say hello and i would look him right in the eyes and go fuck yourself ladies and gentlemen kirk cameron if he came in right now i'd suck his dick i'm a big fan i'm a huge fan Kirk I'm not gonna lie Do you know

Do you know Did you ever do We talked about jobs before But I'm interested In asking you about this Did you ever do A job Before comedy

That you thought Might be The rest of your life Yeah I mean I used to I mean In a good way Or

In a panic Like this is gonna be The job Oh kind of in a good way Like I'll give you a good example Like I a panic, like this is going to be the job. Oh, kind of in a good way. Like I'll give you a good example. Like I don't know if you know this, but Kurt Russell, his dad was Bing Russell. It was Kurt Russell's father. He was a professional baseball player and owned a minor league team in Portland. Kurt Russell played on that team and was going to be a pro major league ball player.

And I got to imagine he was like, I could do this forever. And the acting thing happened. His father was also an actor but there's a piece of me that thinks I've done a few things that I thought that was so fun what if that I just didn't keep going at comedy and I was like I'll just do that hey did you ever have a job that you were like this is kind of tight I might just stick it out no that's why I was depressed Because the thing is Is that every job That I had Was hard physical work All manual labor Yeah I mean

I had I mean waiting tables Is manual labor You're running around It's slam I don't know if I call it Manual labor I mean it's

I've done it It's not fun Well I used to work At a restaurant Where it was Your section was like 15 tables Chili's And they used to No it was a nice restaurant What was it your section was like 15 tables. Chilis.

And they used to, no, it was a nice restaurant. What was it called? It was called the Brockton Villa. Oh. In La Jolla, at the La Jolla Co. Oh my God, I know exactly what that is. Yeah, I used to work there. The Brockton Villa, that's fancy.

It's fancy. So you made good money. Like great money. Yeah. And what I loved about it is because the owner of the restaurant, Megan Lee, she, this is when I started doing standup, and one day she calls me up into the office, she goes, listen. Megan Lee, she, this is when I started doing standup, and one day she calls me up into the office,

she goes, listen. Megan Lee, Chinese? No, she's Asian, white. What? Yeah. L-L-H? I don't know, I don't fucking know, man. First of all, Robert E. Lee was white.

He was Chinese. No, he wasn't. He was 100% Chinese. So Megan Lee. So she pulled me up Into the office And she goes Listen I know

You're doing stand up Like you're doing Like open mics and stuff I go yeah She goes She goes If you If you really need

A shift off I'll let you do it Day of That's awesome And I go Really She's like yeah I think that you can make it

Wow Did she ever see you Or just knew your personality She just knew my awesome And I go Really She's like Yeah I think that you can make it Wow Did she ever see you Or just knew your personality She just knew my personality And I would go on the road Like I'd open for Pauly Or something And every time

I'd come back into town I knew I had a job That's amazing And every time I see Megan I've seen her a couple times Since then She can't

Her and her husband Came to my show Maybe three or four years ago In San Diego And I walked up to her And I had tears in my eyes and i just thank you wow man yeah she really helped me out megan lee changed your life yeah i i remember those kind of gestures when i was struggling and i would but the stuff when people got in my way well or try to fuck me i remember those as well well you remember those A little bit more Me knowing you

You're You like grudges That's one of your favorite things I'm a huge grudge guy But I also do No I honestly The good gestures I remember for a lifetime

Like when Jimmy Schuber I tell you that story No but I love him I love him too What's his What he did a good gesture for you When I first moved to LA My friend Kalista

Was getting a place in No no no What happened was Shayma Tosh You know Shayma Tosh? Daniel Tosh's sister No Twin sister

Shayma Tosh There was a girl named Shayma Tosh No I don't know She was a comic She opens for Carrot Top In Vegas

But back in the day Shayma I knew in San Diego And she had a roommate. He was going to move out in like three or four days. So I had three days to find a place until, and that was going to move

into Shama's house. So I slept in my truck at the comedy store and my truck had no window. Pickup truck? It was a pickup truck. A white. Datsun?

Toyota. Toyota. Yeah. And it was, it was cold and no money yeah absolutely no money and one morning i get a knock on the door the car door yeah the car door and i get up yeah and jimmy schubert it's like 11 and i rolled on the well because one the one with with no window was against the wall where the vines are. Sure. So I opened up that one, and I go, what's up?

He goes, when's the last time you ate? And I go, I think yesterday, early yesterday. And he goes, you hungry? I go, yeah. He goes, lunch on me. And he took me to lunch. That's really cool. And I will never forget it. Yeah. took me to lunch. That's really cool. And I will never forget it.

Yeah. And you shouldn't. That's a really cool thing. Yeah. What did you order? It was like a sandwich place, you know, sub sandwich or whatever. He didn't want to take you to somewhere nicer? It's a thought.

It's a gesture. Well, sometimes. No, it is. Other times he could have really stepped it up for you. I don't think he was even there to do it. He just saw me in there. Let me tell you a story. It's a good gesture story? Yeah, I was walking to the comedy store.

23 years old. Cold. I didn't have a jacket. Sebastian Maniscalco. Why don't you got a jacket? I said, I can't afford a jacket. He goes, come on.

Took me to Barney's. Bought me a leather coat that afternoon for six grand. Then took me out to the Palm for a steak dinner. Okay, if that story is false, it'll break me. Because you almost had me crying. It's fake Okay Okay It was a fake story

Can I say this? Don't do that again Because Because I love him I love him And when you said I think the palms Was a little weird But the $6,000 jacket don't do that again. Because I love him. I love him. And when you said,

I think the palms was a little weird, but the $6,000 jacket, maybe, right? But then 23, I was like, how old? Because he only started making money like the last six or seven years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in my head, it didn't make any sense. Who's done a nice thing for me? Can I tell you?

Yeah, let me ask you. Let me ask you. You want me to do a real one? Well, I wanted a real one before. I'll give you a real one. I'll give you a real one. This wasn't even that long ago. I don't believe you.

I swear to God in my life. Good. There we go. I was a little bit down about whatever in my life and my career. My Showtime special had come out on Showtime. I wasn't getting a ton of traction, didn't get a lot of ad space. Showtime didn't really advertise it except for on their network. I was bummed about it. I wasn't getting a ton of traction. Didn't get a lot of ad space. Showtime didn't really advertise it

except for on their network. I was bummed about it. I was sad. I also like was anxious about the special. I was like, I hate that. I fucking hate that joke.

I was ripping myself to shreds. And I had a little bit of support from the comedy community. But you know, to each their own. But I got a Bing on my phone. And I read the text.

And I went on my patio and i swear to god i cried because it was from bill burr and he just said saw your shit you fucking killed it keep doing your thing and it i swear to god it meant so much to me because it was just him being nice and recognizing an accomplishment and and it wasn't anything more than that. And that really did mean a lot to me because I respect him and I love him. Are you sleeping? Did you fall asleep on my fucking show?

I'm listening. That's it? Great. Are you falling asleep On my show No that's great Is my story not good It was good Is my story not fucking

Good enough for you It just was It was missing some elements What was it missing Drama I don't know Surprise Okay I got a text

I hit my old lady Here we go The cops are on their way There we go I pull out my gun There we go I shoot my dick Right off my body There we go I The cops are on their way. There we go. I pull out my gun. There we go. I shoot my dick right off my body. There we go.

I put it in a pot. Are my eyes open? Huh? Are my eyes open? Well, barely. I put it in the pot. I stir the pot. I cut up my dog.

Yeah. I put that in there too. That's a great story. No, I'll be honest with you. That was a great story. The cops come to my house. I got a text message from Bill Burr, but what am I doing? I'm eating my cock and my dog butt naked.

There we go. Wife's all bruised up. Yeah, there we go. Anyway, the text was nice. That is nice. Who's Bill? I love him. That was a word of encouragement. That was a great one. That's great. It means a lot. It's so great. Do you ever reach out and tell people nice shit?

Bro, I'm the master of that, bro. You know that. I have a black belt in that. You've never done it to me. Fuck you, man. You've never just texted me out of the blue. It's so fucking funny that you say that because when you first came to the fucking OR, I already told you this. All right? You're going to fall asleep?

No, go ahead. All right. No, I want to hear it. Me and Chris D'Elia saw you perform. Yeah, it does. You know what By you doing that It made me realize What I did was wrong

Wrong and rude Rude and wrong And I apologize Can you pinky me on it And you'll never do it again We'll never do it again Thank you God you have dry fingers huh

I know dude I should use lotion But I don't really care enough But whites are weird About lotion We don't Do you put lotion on No Never have Do you put lotion on?

No. Never have? Do you just have naturally nice skin? My skin is so pure. Yeah. Evolved. I have hairless. My body is like super soft and delicious.

And you've never put lotion on? I don't use lotion or any kind of creams. In the shower, do you use bar soap or do you use body wash? I do a combination of things. Bars on the feet, body on the body? No, no, no, no, no. What do you use body wash? I do a combination of things. Bars on the feet, body on the body? No, no, no, no, no. What do you use on your pee pee? I have a thing that the doctor has me put on. What? I can't get into it. Please. No. Bobby, please. Andrew, no. Don't leave us hanging. I'm not leaving anyone hanging. So what is the thing that the doctor gave you you have to use to wash your penis?

Go ahead. Bobby, you obviously have a medical device to wash your penis. What is it? It's from your doctor. What is it? I don't want to get into it. What is it?

I don't know exactly what it's called, but I had to go to the prescription place and get it. What was it? It's a cream. So you have to cream up your penis in the shower? Yes. Why? Because if I don't do that,

something happens. Your dick falls off? No. Does it go if I don't do that, something happens. Your dick falls off? No. Does it go back inside? Itchy-loo, itchy-loo. Oh, itchy. Yeah. And my girlfriend,

my girlfriend. Does your penis ever recede into your body? All the time. But all the way where you're like flush like you're a Ken doll? Yeah.

Really? My dick is so small. Could you put your balls, you can rescind your balls and also... No, not the balls. The balls are there So your nuts are always

Hanging out Yeah But your penis You can push all the way In your body I can stick it in my body Right Yeah and it just looks like

I have nuts But my dick though Is not The best part of my body No no that's fine Are you sure I use cream Yeah and I use a little cream

You use a little cream To clean yourself up It's not really The dick or the sack. It's like in between the thigh and that no man's land. Oh, the nifkin. The nifkin part, yeah. Does Kalilah ever shower with you?

You guys ever take shower together? We used to do that. We don't do it as often anymore. We used to have sex in the shower. Really? Yeah. Like I would just lay there and she was, you know, I'd stick my dick in her. Well, yeah, that's how that works.

Is it? Well, I mean, most of the time. Yeah. Do you tub together? Do you ever bath? We used to do it, but not anymore. Why? You know I stick my dick in her Well yeah that's how that works Is it? Well I mean most of the time Yeah Do you tub together? Do you have a bath? We used to do it but not anymore Why? Why is all this stuff gone?

Because the thing is Is that I And she made a good point The last year or two I've kind of let myself go Like I used to keep my You know my pubes tidy Okay

But now it looks like just Jay London. Why don't you just clean it up? Just crazy down there. Why don't you just clean it up? And I've gained a little bit of weight. How much? A lot. I've probably gained probably 20 pounds.

What do you weigh? You think? 175. And you're 4'6"? Yeah. That's not good. And yeah, so I think I really want to make more of an effort of changing in that way. Of improving yourself for her benefit.

Yeah. Not for you. Yeah, let me ask you a question real quick because something happened today and I would – fuck, man, this thing. I know. What happened today? I'm going to show you. I'll tell you.

Hold on. Is it a text message? Yeah, if I have my phone. Yeah, where is it a text message yeah if i have my phone yeah where is it i i i'm gonna i'm gonna okay i'm gonna hold on there we go okay so i'm gonna show you something that happened today yeah show me so here we go so So here This is Okay this is a text Yeah

Okay so my agent Called me nine days ago Okay yeah Matt That's how long it takes To get home with you Three times Yeah

I haven't called him back yet Yeah You know That's how I'm like Yeah That's what I'm like Trust me I know all too well Dalia hates it

I'm just not a phone guy I fucking hate it too I hate it And so if you text me And I don't text you back right away And I can show you Like listen Jordan Peele

He has a new movie coming out right Yeah it looks great Called Us It looks great right Yeah So He did Get Out He did Get Out yeah

So I texted Jordan I don't know where it is It's way back But I texted A long text I said Listen If you do a screening For us I don't know where it is It's way back But I texted A long text I said Listen If you do a screening

For us Kalilah would love to go Because I'm huge I love you And I'm so proud of you And what not He never texted me back Right

Am I Personally Hurt by that No He's a busy fucking guy Yeah but it's also Him sending you a message What

It's just him sending you a message. It's not sending me a message. It's just saying like, hey, I'm an Academy Award winner. You're you. That's not, no, no, no. Well, that's not how I perceive it. Okay. Okay.

You take it how you want to take it. Right. So then this guy. So your agent said. So this guy, now this is a different guy now. Hi, Bobby. I'm not going to say his name. Can I see it though

So I can see Yeah Hi Bobby It's Is there any way I can open for you In March At the Schomburg Improv

I've been stuck in Chicago And I want I wanna do props I have a decent 15 minutes of jokes And could really use The work Please help me

I love you He goes No props I just wanna I just I just talk about I don't know what that means let me see and then and then and then a couple days later he goes can you please call me i thought we were

friends man what the let me see and then a couple days later hey buddy can i at least come to your show on the guest list and bring my girlfriend i don't have to work with you buddy i just want to watch you perform then a couple of days later hey i'll see you there then a couple days here i've not texted him once Well he's gonna fight you Actually I thought you Liked me This makes me sad

How you treat people And then I texted him today This morning I had enough What did you say? Hey you Have you lost your fucking mind? That's what I first started with Have you lost your fucking mind?

I was gonna get back to you When I had time But I'm super fucking busy My agent from C8 C8 called me Nine days ago And I haven't even called him back Relax dude

Relax dude And then he goes Jesus love you bud Sorry Well he's the one that started it Yeah Let me see who it is I wanna see the name

I don't think you know him Do you know him I'm gonna try to I can't see the name I'm not gonna I'll him Do you know him? I'm going to try to I can't see the name I'm not going to I'll say it and then you just I'm not going to blank it out Okay here

Okay sure Do you know him? Not on a personal level Have you heard of him? Yeah I know who he is Yeah yeah We don't know each other Yeah yeah

He's a good dude Sure It was Chris D'Elia by the way For those of you that are listening It was Chris Why does this fucking little munchkin Come up every now and then He goes there because he likes

The way you look I like him He thinks you're a cutie patootie Yeah So wait But you do that all the time Yeah is that bad It's nice to send a text

At some point How many days worth of text was that About two weeks Two fucking weeks Maybe we can have Bobby send a fucking text No no no Send a five second

Yo I'll get back to You know what I do I say I'm busy Can we talk later That's just a nice way Of being like hey I'm busy Can we talk later Yeah

How many texts Do you have in your inbox That you haven't opened Or answered No I open all of them I just don't answer back Like Jay Davis just said You available this weekend

For the Hollywood Laugh Factory Right Nothing No Brian Monarch in him. Are you calling out all these names? We're not going to black out all these names. I don't care. We're leaving them in. I know you're busy, so I wanted to check in again and see if

Saturday might work. Main room. Hot show. Right? Nothing. Nothing. Because it's like, every week he sends me that. Yeah, but do you think they're obviously doing this because they want you. It's like junk mail. Oh, this is like junk mail to you. Yeah, spam. It's like Every week he sends me that Yeah but do you think But they're obviously doing this It's like junk mail Oh this is like junk mail to you

Yeah it's spam It's like spam mail to me So people sending you text messages Trying to offer you spots on shows Now with you right Well I had a bad exchange with you last week I got upset But then I learned about your family issues

And I got over it Yeah But I was What do you mean Your family issues That your dad is gay And everything's changing Yeah yeah yeah

He's divorcing your mom Yeah yeah And all that stuff Anyway But listen You gotta be better At texting people dude You should

You really should You don't give a fuck No How's your TV show going Do you like it? Bobby's on TV Splitting up together On ABC Yeah here's the deal

Yeah The deal is this Is I just had Like a month and a half Hiatus from it And in that month and a half You kind of leave the show Sure

And you literally go Okay You start booking road dates Yep Trying to figure out How you're gonna Get some more cash flow coming in

cause you let it go cause honestly it doesn't feel like I'm on a show but didn't you know it was coming back or no it is coming back for five more

no but I'm just saying didn't you already know that before I did know it was coming back but then when I came back and I was actually there and we're doing table reads and hugging everyone

and this and that you feel like oh yeah but at the end of the day i don't think it's going well you think the show is bad i don't think the show is bad i think that no one's i don't think enough people are watching it for me to justify me being excited about it i love the people on it i love my bosses i love everything about i love my part. But it's like, you know, when you're getting a.8,

how's that gonna survive? Tell people what.8 means. I don't even know what that means. I don't think it's good though. How many people? 800,000. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, when we got like a 1.5 last year. Yeah, that's a good number. It was like,

okay. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. For people that don't know, that's a good number It was like okay Yeah that's good Yeah For people that don't know That's a good reference point Would be like Johnny Carson would get Like 30 million

That's how That's how Small TV was back then There was three channels Four channels Oh dude Back then Now if you break a million

That's a big deal Dude If I was on like Different strokes Right As As The Asian Arnold

Yeah What are you talking about Who is this Right different strokes. Mm-hmm. Right? As, as, as the Asian Arnold. Yeah. What are you talking about? Who is this? Right? So, when you're on like, different strokes,

the day you, the night it airs for the first time, the next day, you feel it. Well, you're famous. You walk down the street, and people are stopping their cars,

love the show. Yeah. Right? You can't, you go into a a restaurant you don't have to wait in line right you literally feel it yeah now it's like being in community theater or it really is or i did a youtube yeah i did a you know a semi-popular youtube video right right that's what it feels like. But the money though is the same. Right. Which is great. Well but here's something

that's a little bit strange. People were getting paid the same kind of TV money in the 70s which is a little weird. They weren't making as much. No they were making a lot. They were?

A lot of people were. Yeah a lot of guys were making a ton of money which is why now a lot of those old TV people are so beyond fucking rich because 20 grand back then is worth like 80 grand now as a nobody TV person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, I mean.

Yeah, you see a lot of guys like, you know, like I do sometimes NCIS Los Angeles. Oh, nice. No, I just, what do you mean? How are we going to solve the crime? Yeah, yeah. Get the little Asian keyboard, kid. No, I just, what do you mean? How are we going to solve the crime? Yeah, yeah. Get the little Asian keyboard, kid. No, I play a CIA agent. Oh, really?

Yeah, which is funny. You play a CIA agent? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I first did it, I'm like, are you sure? The Central Intelligence Agency. Yeah, I'm like a certain department. Like I'm into like- Janitorial services?

No, I'm more of a foreign money laundering kind of a CIA department. Like I'm into like. Janitorial services? No, like I'm more of a foreign, like money laundering kind of a CIA guy. Where I know different languages. Have you been like the evil little Korean money guy? No, just a regular American agent. You're not American though. I am. Well, I mean legally.

But when I, you know, when I see like, you know, the people on that show, that show's been on for 10 years. Forever. They're making so much Fucking money So much money Yeah

It's incredible Good for them We should have some But This is what I'm gonna talk to you about And I'm glad we're here Give it to me And I'm trying to get this rolling

Yeah I was hanging out with Theo Vaughn The other day Got it You know him? No I'll be honest. Do you like him?

Theo? Yeah. Theo. No, be real. Hey, man. Yeah, do you like... I love Theo. What do you mean?

You love him, right? Yeah, what happened? I love him too. Yeah. Did something happen? No, we were talking the other day and I go,

why don't us podcasters, you, me, Andrew, D'Elia, all these guys, because we all can, at Call guys Because we all can At Callen We all can act as well Yeah Don't you think that we could get the money To do a movie

It has nothing to do with podcasting Let's just write a movie A regular script Right And then just put it out And then plug it on our podcast See what happens Well you could put it out

Through the podcast network We could do that Or it could be A real credible company Like Warner Brothers Doing it And then when it comes out We just

You know We plug the fuck out of it Use our audience to plug Yeah and we also It can be straight to iTunes I don't care Well that's

I mean that's That's probably what it would be anyway Right Right but anyway But and also But also Get a credible writer Sure A credible director Sure That's probably what it would be anyway, right? Right, but anyway, and also, but also get a credible writer. Sure.

A credible director. Sure. Really make a really good movie and let's just see what happens. Involve all of us. But we involve everyone and we give people, you know, the gang.

People send in what you think the movie should be. How about that? Let's do that. Let's have people start sending in what you think the movie's gonna be about. Let's give you the ensemble is Bobbyby lee andrew santino brian khalen brian khalen brendan shobb brendan shobb delia chris delia rogan joe rogan maybe no for

sure hopefully no he will okay he'll play the villain rogan yeah maybe ari shafir for a pop-in would be oh it would be in it we're gotta put some women in there too Nikki Glaser Segura Nikki Glaser Kreischer Yeah The whole gang Zitzke

Christina P Yeah so Basically what it is Is also And we can get like Little We can get like Tiffany Haddish

A bunch of Leslie Jones We can get people to do it Our friends Yes Yeah So we'll get a bunch of guests And it's

Think of this Yeah There's one for Caddyshack Oh I loved Caddyshack I loved Caddys guests. And it's, think of this. Yeah. Remember Caddyshack? I loved Caddyshack. I loved Caddyshack too. It's like one of my favorite movies ever made. And all the people that are in it, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, just splattered. People sometimes have, in those older movies like Cannonball Run, people would have one or two scenes.

But they were awesome. They were awesome in it. You played to their strengths. Right. So we just do a gigantic ensemble movie. Let's just see what happens. But we get a credible script where we're all behind it. Right.

Get a great writer. We get a great director. Right. Somebody that knows how to make a movie. And then we put it out. I think that's it. I honestly think it would work. Given what's going on right now,

I think that would work. In fact, you know how crazy this is? Before I was coming here, I was uploading some files. I was going through an old drive that I have and I shot a pilot years and years ago and it was so fun and it wasn't going to go.

It was a hybrid of... It was kind hybrid of, it was kind of like we all play these characters in a real restaurant. But it was real, it was live. But they didn't know. It was crazy. It wasn't like a prank show. It was like we were having these,

it was like an opera happening in front of people. I think I heard about this. And it was me, Tiffany Haddish, Monica Smith, Asif Ali, Brad Morris, you know Brad Morris. Yeah, I know Brad. I know Monica too. Asif Ali, Brad Morris. You know Brad Morris. Yeah, I know Brad. I know Monica too.

Yeah, awesome, awesome. Steven Garino, Nicole Payone. There were so many great sketch and improv people in this thing. I was looking at all the photos. It was blowing my fucking mind. I was like, wow, if only this could have happened in this time period, it would have worked. It just wasn't right for the time. And Troy Miller did.

I don't know if you know Troy Miller. I know Troy Miller very well. Yeah, he's awesome. He did it. Dakota. Dakota Pictures. It just didn't click because the time was weird. And I think CBS was like, I don't even know what this is.

It just didn't click. I've done stuff with Dakota as well that were like More experimental stuff Yeah That we actually shot Yeah That never went anywhere Well we shot this too I don't know I never saw it So yeah

But that's not What I'm talking about here No I know You fucking I mean No my point is We had a great cast It was just the wrong time

I'm saying This is a great idea This is different This is a great idea With a great cast Completely different It's a good time Yeah

It's a good time Because what I'm saying now Timing is everything Because before Because that Yeah Are people that They became great later

Some of them were great then They were great then They were all great then Brad was phenomenal They were all great then But in terms of like Tiffany Haddish Now

She was Tiffany Haddish then But she just wasn't Tiffany Haddish Right So what I'm saying is Is that we're doing it With all the people that have an audience now. Correct.

So fucking send it in. Everyone. I'm talking Tiger Belly fans, to fire the kid fans, ginger whiskey, whiskey, ginger fans, like everyone. So here's what I want you to do. Put this on your podcast. I'm serious. Put this out.

I have. No, but I'm saying, tell people now to send it. We should make Either an email Or something that People can mail in Yeah To say here's the idea Of the film

That I think it should be And I'm dead ass serious So what I'm gonna do is You gotta think Ensemble You can't be Two guys You know

No Try to think more of like It all happens on a boat Sure Use the podcast world That you know Yeah And here's what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna make up the email Right now I'm hoping this is'm gonna make up the email Right now I'm hoping this is real But let's just do Hey Hey Hey we're gonna make a movie At gmail.com

Okay Hey we're gonna make a movie At gmail.com You know what I always thought In my head Email that The storyline And I wanna say this too

Before you even get I think that what would work Horror would work Horror is fun Horror Comedy horror A comedy horror would work horror is fun horror comedy horror comedy horror would work yes and secondly um i could even pinch it to monkey paw which is jordan peele's company i think it's a great fucking idea and so there are people that we know that we can pitch it to yeah we're credible company companies so what you're doing listen to us right now what you're doing right now isn't gonna

if Ari Maness is not in it cannot be he won't be in it wow fuck you dude alright don't ever

fucking treat me like that friend hey go to hey hey hey we're gonna make a movie at gmail.com I'm gonna get that I'm gonna get that

and if it changes I'll change it here somewhere we'll have someone change it and if you we do this and you cast Ken Jeong over me? I'm gonna. Hey, are you going to go on the road?

Do you want to plug some dates before we get out of here? No. You're good? Yeah. Okay. Well, when this comes out tomorrow, I'll be in Bakersfield. Oh, doing that bar gig? Yes.

I love that gig. In Bakersfield. You better come the fuck out tomorrow. That gig's great. Temblor Brewing. It's the 19th. It's tomorrow. You better get your fucking ass out.

Come out Bakersfield or anybody that lives in centralized California. And then next weekend, I'll be in Arlington, Virginia, aka Washington, D.C. metro area at the Arlington Draft House. Go to andrewsantino.com and Cheeto Santino on everything. Bobby Lee Live. And watch Bobby's show on ABC because it's very good. Especially this. We have a Valentine's episode coming out.

Don't spoil it. I'm not going to. But it's literally in the whole thing. It's about my character. I really need help with that one. Support Bobby Lee Live and send an email to heyweregonnamakeamovieatgmail.com and hopefully we'll be able to put it together. Okay?

You hungry or no? Yeah, you want to go get food? I think that we should try. Let's go. Okay, bye. Bye. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.