Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bobby Lee 3.0

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Santino sits down again with the slept king Bobby Lee to talk about the movie submissions, which comic would hide them from the law and his love for holding a grudge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm not gonna regret calling you today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What game are you playing? Are you playing Candy Crush? It's not Candy Crush. It's one of those games where I have to stitch- shut the fuck up kind of game. You have to focus and pay attention? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a 50-year-old 12-year-old. I'm not 50, but anyway, let's start.

You're a 49-year-old 12-year-old. I'm 47. You're a 47-year-old 12-year-old. Can you close that door? I don't like when doors are open. He doesn't like when the doors are open. Please close the goddamn door. Right now. Right now, he's gonna freak the fuck out. Yeah. Appease the guest. and you have to slam it

Fucking I'm also the other night when I was on my buttock when I went up on stage in the main room Yeah, I don't need your like sneaky little redhead in the audience like that What do you mean you don't need me in the audience? I was sitting and watching your sign I did I didn't like it because I look to my right I see this redheaded fucking figure With your face, so when you see people in the audience that you recognize, I don't like it. You can just keep going. Instead, he goes like this.

He goes, oh, hey, Red. Hey, Red. Interrupting your own joke to say hi to me. I didn't say it like that. What is wrong with you? Why did you attack me just now, my race? Wait a minute. This is so fucked up.

You're playing a bullshit game because you came in here with bad attitude. I did not. I was so grateful to be here, my friend. You're playing a bullshit game because you came in here with bad attitude. I did not. I was so grateful to be here, my friend. You and I are very good friends. I like everything about you. I do. I think you're a good work horse.

You have good work ethic. You have a good value system and morality. And when I see you, I just feel joy in my heart. I really feel joyous when I see you. And I just love your weaselly ways. Yeah. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk,

whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Whiskey Ginger podcast. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I actually mean it for my guest today. Yeah. Bobby Lee. How many times have I done this podcast?

Three. This is your third. You're going to keep doing it. Am I the most? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're the biggest returning guest. Everybody likes this. Yeah this is your third you're gonna keep doing it am I the most yeah okay thank you you're the biggest returning guest everybody likes this

yeah people like when we're together and you know what we owe the fans something because we put out an email that said hey we're gonna make a movie at gmail.com

and people sent in some some amazing we got some ideas oh my god let me hear some a shit load of ideas let me hear some ideas

I can't even count how many we got but I will say thank you for everybody who submitted just to give some I will say Thank you for everybody Who submitted Just to give some I just want to let you know I was doing

Pauly Shore's movie And I can't play The kind of part That I played in Pauly Shore's movie In our movie What did you play In Pauly Shore's movie

He calls me And he goes Dude You gotta be in my movie Perfect And I go I don't want to do it You just said I don't wanna do it.

You just said, I don't wanna do it? Yeah, and then he was like, dude, you have to do it, dude. You gotta do the movie, bro. So then I go, I'll call you back in a couple days, and then like three weeks went by, and my agent called me and said,

Paulie's been calling us, and you have to do the movie. I go, I don't wanna do it. But wait, wait, wait, wait. Why would he call your agent if you already said no to his face? I didn't say no to his face. I said, I'll call you back. Oh, yeah, wait, wait. Why would he call your agent if you already said no to his face? I didn't say no to his face. I said, I'll call you back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't pick up his things and his texts. And then... Why don't you want to do the movie? Because the part that I had to play was Chinese dumpling. That's what you are. We play what we are. I play a beautiful, handsome lead always.

And you play a, you know, a Roomba. If there was a role for a Roomba in a movie, you could do it. You know how that guy was in the R2D2 costume? You could be a Roomba. You could be a little vacuum that goes around. You know, back in the day when our people used to build the railroads. Yeah. Mine and yours together. The Irish, I could have killed you then. No way. No way.

I would have killed you. No, because we were stronger than you guys, by far. All the little Asians, you were the underling. You were the underbosses. We've talked about this before. Anyway, what are the movie ideas? Listen. I can't believe it.

So many cruise ship suggestions, by the way. There were way too many cruise ships. Everybody wanted us on a cruise together. Me, you, D'Elia, Sasso, Callan, Schaub, Rogan. People really loved cruise ships. Wizard Wars, that was one. Is it like, oh, Wizard Wars is good. Wizard Wars was cool, right?

Yeah, that's a good idea. They wanted us to be, each of us had different powers. Let me read you some of the, Adrian Lockhart, shout out. Adrian Lockhart, make it a comedy horror movie along the lines of Final Girl. The idea is all you guys are going to decide to run for president

of your respective states. Theo Vaughn, Louisiana. Shaw from Colorado. Santino, Illinois. Bobby from wherever the fuck he's from. The villain... Is that what it says there?

Yes, what it says. The villain, if you want to keep it to Joe Rogan, make it a plot twist. You're running, gaining notoriety. Someone starts offing us.

How about the... Let's go back to the boat idea. Yeah, which one? Just the cruise ship idea? Yeah, the cruise ship. Why don't we do this? They said Joe is the captain. No, we'll do this. I'm going to do a twist on it. It's basically Titanic part two,

but it's from the perspective of our characters. Oh. Right? So Jack and, you know, everyone's Jack. Leo's character. Is that his name? Yeah, I'm saying, who is Jack out of our Everyone's Who's Jack Leo's character Is that his name Yeah I'm saying Who is Jack Out of our friends

Who plays Jack No one Cause that story Is already That story is going on Already right Yeah We're on the boat

Right Yeah what do we do But we're like No one gives a fuck About our characters We're the people That died Yeah we died

Really quickly Like no one told us About it sinking We were in the Bottom level Yeah we in the bottom level. Yeah, we're the bottom level. The first people to die. Right, right.

So I work in the engine room. Yeah. You work in the kitchen. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shab. I would have to have an accent because back then in the, was it the 30s? Titanic had to have been in the 40s?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I have to say stuff like, no one ever told me about the, no one ever told me about the, it was a sinking. We're gonna die here. I run down to you because you're my friend. Right, right, right.

Red, red. Ming, Ming, we hit an iceberg. How come no one ever tell us about the iceberg? I don't know, but we gotta get out as fast as we can.

And then we die though. We die right now. We just gotta be slow. That 45 minutes has to be slow death. What happens though, we get stuck in the kitchen and we have to use

all the kitchen tools to get us out. Yeah. And finally as we get out, we hug, we're happy, we die right then. And then like- A piece of the engine

breaks and kills both of us, slices my neck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You die. So Titanic too dude. Can you think about, can you think how crazy that is that people,

those people on the bottom of the boat died so fucking fast? You're done. Did everyone die on the Titanic? I don't know the history of it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Tons of people survived. All the rich people that were on top of the boat.

They all survived? On the bottom? They all died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all died. Yeah. Let me tell you the funniest one that I heard. This was, to me, one of the funniest ones.

Shout out to this dude. This made me laugh so hard. Here, this is it. It's Mark Orndorff. orndorff whatever i can't remember but he had a great he had this was great he said a group of friends are going on their yearly camping trip all of us guys at the same time a bear kills a girl who has syphilis okay now a black bear on the smoky mountains has syphilis rage and is terrorizing campers hikers and nature enthusiasts and the guys have to save the day. So there's a syphilitic black bear.

Right. That's good. Running wild, and we have to stop it. Is it Eric Griffin? Is Eric Griffin the black bear? He's the black bear, the syphilis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the syphilitic black bear.

Yeah. And the girl that he had sex with that had the syphilis was? Who? Who do you think? So the girl that died, who had the syphilis. The girl that had the syphilis. Right. She was sleeping with her boyfriend, getting revenge on him. Yeah. Trying to give him syphilis. Yeah. But the bear stops it, kills her, eats her, he gets syphilis the girl that had the syphilis right she was sleeping with her boyfriend getting revenge

on him trying to give him syphilis but the bear stops it kills her eats her he gets syphilis who's the girl played by we gotta get a big name

yeah we gotta get a huge name so who can who can get like a one day scene with syphilis who do we know Natalie Portman Natalie Portman come on over

I don't know what you're up to right now I don't know if you're do you think she would do it no not in a million fucking years I'd throw some I know I know if you're... Do you think she would do it? No. Not in a million fucking years. I'd throw some... I know who we could probably get. Who?

Anna Faris. Because she's super cool. Yeah, I mean, I've done her podcast. She's a friend, you know? Okay, Anna Faris and who's the boy she's sleeping with?

Oh, we gotta get a big name. Yeah, get a big name. Chris Pratt. Pratt, done. I can call him up right now. Do you know Pratt? Nope, not a chance. Yeah, me either.

And also, they're divorced, so I don't think that would work. But that's why it'd be funny. Yeah. She's trying to get him back by giving him some. Right. Okay, so Syphilitic Black Bear is played by Eric Griffin. Yes.

And then... I just want to play a regular guy. No. I'm not Chinese Dumpling again. No, no, you can't be. Not for this. Okay, what am I? Korean Dumpling.

No. You'll be a sweet, regular dude. But your name will be No this. Okay, what am I? Korean dumpling. No. You'll be a sweet regular dude. But your name will be Noodle. We do have to call you Noodle. I don't want to be called Noodle. I'm Noodle? No, you can be a regular guy. Yeah, yeah.

Just Jeff. Jeff. I just want to be Jeff. Jeff Wong. Okay, that's cool because that's believable. That's a real name. Jeff Wong. But we'll never talk about my race.

Mm-mm, mm-mm. And a syphilitic black bear goes around Eric Griffin terrorizing. How about this one? Scott Brewster said, horse racing comedy. Andrew comes from a family who train and race horses. They're in financial trouble as they haven't had a winner in some time. Bobby Lee is the son of a very wealthy father who immigrated to America and has to win at all costs. And he has the best horses.

They go head to head. But Andrew needs his help. Tom, Ari, and Joe are low-level mobster types who make a living fixing races. They hear about this and they come after us. It sounds like he already

wrote that script. Yeah, maybe he did. Some of these guys wrote scripts. No. Yeah, some of the people that fucking wrote it wrote scripts. Wait, they wrote a script in two months?

Full scripts. In two months they wrote a script? I got full scripts. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Dude, we have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds Are they good? Have you read them?

Yeah, I read all of them. Wait, hold on. There's one more that I thought. Listen, all of them, so many of them were murder mysteries.

The remake of Lost. They wanted us all on an island together. That's funny. Ghost hunters. Yeah. Because they would love to see you hunt ghosts. Yeah. People said Bobby,

especially. I have an idea. You want to hear my idea? 100%. All right. So I have an idea where you and I are like Christian pastors. I'm in. We're in a church.

I'm in. Okay. And you fuck boys and I don't. No, we don't. And I have to stop you from doing that. I have to stop you from doing that. Forget it then. I mean, that's.

Okay, I'm going. Why do I have to do that? I'm sorry. I'm going. You're right. Yeah. Sorry. I never would ever fuck a boy.

Hmm. I don't know why I just said that out loud. Why did you say that out loud? We're both pastors. Yeah, yeah. What happened? So you and I are pastors and we write like a kind of, we're in a rock band, like Christian rock band too.

Oh. Yeah, right? Are you listening or no? Yeah, yeah. We're a Christian rock band. Right. But we also like, we work at a, we're at a church. We're pastors who also are in the band Yeah we run the band as well

What do I play? Right You and I are just Friends that are What do I play in the band? Like keyboards I don't wanna play Whatever it is

Just listen to one of my fucking pitches Trumpet It has nothing to do with it Go ahead I play trumpet It has nothing to do with whatever it is I play trumpet go ahead Okay And

Yeah right Go ahead And we We put our music online Like on Facebook or whatever And we get like Whatever it is. Play trumpet, go ahead. And yeah, right. Go ahead. And we put our music online, like on Facebook or whatever. And we get like millions of like hits and downloads from an island somewhere in the Pacific, South Pacific. Ooh. Right? Okay. And it's basically, so then basically they say, you know, we love your music.

Can you come do a show for us? Right? So we get money to go. And also they're not Christians and we want to convert them too. Oh, that's why we want to go. That's why we want to go. What's the island called? It's some foreign island.

Because when I was in the Philippines. Punk Fong? That's what I thought. It's got to be like a remote island that takes like, you have to take a plane to Manila, then take another plane to Cebu, then take a boat to another island and another boat. It's so far out there. You have to take plane, plane, boat. Yeah, boat, boat.

And you have to ride on a guy's back for like an hour and a half. Because he's the only one that knows how to get there. But basically what it is, is they already have a stage and everything at this little island because that's what they lure people in there, right? And basically they're kind of like, they could either be vampiric or like, you know, in the island of Dr. Moreau, like these fucking creatures. But they feed on us. It's a survival movie. Oh, shit.

You know? But you and I, we break our Christian just to survive yeah we do all kinds of things like I suck one of one of the guys' dicks there do I have to do that? no you don't have to do that

okay good but I have to watch yeah yeah the one guy's like you gotta watch yeah but then but the year before there was a German

like kind of like heavy metal band and we think that they're eaten but one of the lead singers is there right survived he lives in the forest and he helps us

so the heavy metal band is our savior one guy Rammstein yeah yeah yeah They're eaten, but one of the lead singers there survived. He lives in the forest, and he helps us. So the heavy metal band is our savior. One guy. Rammstein. Yeah, Rammstein. Remember them? Like a tattooed German guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He still lives there, and he's going to help us.

Wow. Have you thought about this? No, I just pitched it. That's a great pitch. Are you lying? No, I'd watch that movie. I think it'd be a funny movie. I really do think that would be a funny movie.

Somebody else? You and I, in a survival on an island, right? And we're fighting these like indigenous creatures, you know? And I think there could be

a lot of funny comedy. Do you think you would, do you think you would, you think you would use your Asian-ness to like try to get on their side and then trick them? That could be too,

yeah. Yeah, you slip in. Right. You slip in one of their meetings. Right. You're like, look, I don't like that fucking ginger fuck. I'm trying to kill him too.

Right. Maybe these are people that transform into like some sort of animalistic beast. And I put like hair on my face and I pretend I'm like them too. You know what I mean? Just to trick them.

What makes them change? What's the thing that makes them change? Out of anger Or just Their starvation It's gotta be a thing A thing Something

Yeah I didn't really Think too much about it But if you're listening To me right now Write that script Write that script for us Yeah Cause that's a really good script

People wanted us in a haunted People said The comedy store is haunted Do something in the Haunted comedy store I don't know if I wanna do A movie that has Anything to do with comedy

Well no They just said it's haunted Yeah I don't wanna do Any stand up I don't know if I want to do a movie that has anything to do with comedy. Well, no, they just said it's haunted. Yeah, I don't want to do any stand-up. I don't want to get away from the store. They're saying, imagine the store is over. The night is over. We're out there just hanging out. And then everything starts to fucking happen.

Things start to go negative. Right. Like we can't get out of the main room? Yes, we can't get. We're stuck in the main room, green room. Right, green room. And then there's portals. And Leslie Jones is in there. Yeah.

And the lights keep going on and off. And she's just intermittently raping us. And we have to get out. It's a sketch. That happened, though. What? That used to happen all the time. What?

Leslie raped me half a dozen times. Leslie Jones did? Half a dozen times. She never raped me. Well, it wasn't rape. I mean, I was having a good time. I loved it. But it was...

I always thought that... It was sexual. Honestly, I've always wanted to do a 30-minute sex scene with me and Leslie Jones in a movie. 30 minutes? Like where we're fucking on the roof, right? And then you cut to and we're in a park somewhere. You want to do a 30-minute sex scene with Leslie? I think it'd be so funny.

Yeah, but I don't think you need 30 minutes. That's a long time. Whatever, 10 minutes then. How long does sex take for you in real life? Probably a minute, a minute, two. Be honest. Don't make a joke. Two, three minutes.

That's it? Well, I mean, I can hold on if I think of things. What are you thinking about? What would you think of? I think of my mom and dad first. So to make sure you don't come, you go mom and of? I think of my mom and dad first. So to make sure you don't come, you go mom and dad, mom and dad, mom and dad.

I don't think of, not their just faces, but like a scene of what they did. Like yelling at you when you were a kid? Like one time I was at, you know, in Painted Rock Elementary School, that's where I went. Uh-huh. The doors, right? All the doors, it swung open out

because it's an outside school. It's not an indoor school. Right. It's in San Diego, right? All the doors, it swung open out because it's an outside school. It's not an indoor school. It's in San Diego, right? Yeah. So when you open up the door, there's like a yellow line to show you how far the, so that you don't get hit by the door.

Right, to show you the line. Right, the line where, but I sat in that little, within that thing and the teacher said, the teacher said, get away from the yellow thing. And I go, no. Because I don't like when people talk to me and tell me what to do. Somebody get that, get away from the yellow thing. And I go, no.

Because I don't like when people talk to me. Somebody get that yellow thing away from the yellow thing. Yeah. And I go, no. And he goes, I'll count to three. Right? So he goes, he goes, three, two. And I go, one.

Next thing I know, I'm in the principal's office. And I look out the window And my mom's out there And my mom when she gets mad She bites the inner of her lip Right And she was so mad when she opened her mouth It was all bloody Right

And my mom used to hit me Backhanded open fist But like repeatedly If I did like rebellious shit like that Right in the face Right in the face yeah Wow in the face, yeah. Wow. And I remember that.

So I think of that moment. That helps you not cum for sure. No, but I still get hard. What? Yeah, so I have to go further. Yeah, I still get hard. What's below that? What goes deeper than that?

That's painful. Well, then I think of like when my dad, now he didn't do it to me, but I was there. I was sitting next to him and we had this family reunion where my dad's aunt was drunk and there's probably like 40 people on this dinner table

and my aunt said to my dad in Korean, I don't know why you married her. She's ugly. About my mom. In front of her? Yeah. Holy shit. My dad picks up a kitchen knife

and lunges across the table and nicks my aunt in the neck. Right? And then chaos ensues. Yeah. I remember like food flying on my face. How old were you? Eight or nine.

Wow. I try to think of that, but I still get hard. You still get hard? I still sometimes get hard. You go that deep in your mind yeah so then I have to go further and then what really does it is like if I think of like harlequin itchie OSIS or something you know what that is no but

it sounds fucked up if I think of a baby that has harlequin itchie OSIS is that a disease yeah I'm then I can get what is that I'll show you a photo Harlequin Ichiosis. Is that a disease? Yeah, then I can get a hold of it. What is that? I'll show you a photo. Harlequin Ichiosis? You don't know what Harlequin Ichiosis is? I don't know what that is. I've never heard of that.

It's a skin disease that babies are born with. Like progeria? I know what progeria is. Progeria is not as bad as Harlequin. Really? Yeah, I'll show you Harlequin. Progeria kills people like right away, right?

What? People die super young from that. There it is, Harlequin Ichiosis. Harlequin Ichiosis. Yeah, so when Harlequin Ichiosisiosis. Harlequin itchiosis. Yeah. So when Harlequin itchiosis babies are born, they look like this. That's not a real baby. Yes, it is.

That's not a real baby. That's a real baby. Give it to me. Yeah, yeah. And if I think of Harlequin itchiosis, then I start getting soft. That's the saddest

fucked up thing I've ever seen in my life. But they grew up like that way. I've never seen that in my life. They grew up that way. way. I've never seen that in my life. They grew up that way. They can zoom in on how fucked up that is.

Hold on. They can Google it too. They can also Google it. I know, but. I know. But then when they get older, right? They look like this. She's fine.

Oh my God. Now try getting hard right now. Try getting hard right now. I know. Oh my God. That's crazy. That now. Try getting hard right now. I know. Oh my God. That's crazy. That's crazy. It's crazy.

Yeah. Bobby. I know. How do you know what that is? I've never even heard of that in my fucking life. You don't know what Harlequin-Eachosis is? I know all the diseases. You love saying it.

Harlequin-Eachosis. Sounds like a dish from a restaurant. Why do you have to do an accent? Our special today is Harlequin-Eachosis here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Yeah, that's a real disease, dude. That's so sad. Why do you have to do an accent? Our special today is how can he eat your sauce here? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Yeah, that's a real disease, dude. That's so sad.

I'm not making fun of the disease. That's insane. I've never heard of that in my fucking life. Yeah, I like watching like, and I don't, my girlfriend says it's tragedy porn or whatever,

but I like watching like babies when they were not born with weird diseases and stuff. Why would you like that? Why would you watch that? I don't like it. I just, I'm just curious. I like with weird diseases and stuff. Why would you like that? Why would you want to see that? I don't like it. I just, I'm just curious. I like to feel empathy and sadness.

I always go, oh, like that. Yeah, but you could do that if you walk in the street and see a homeless guy. You don't need to like look up on the internet. No, that doesn't do it. That doesn't. No, because when I see a homeless guy, I'm like, P.U. P.U. You know?

So you watch a lot of that shit. That makes you feel better? It doesn't make me feel better. It just. Like, do you know what my 400-pound, 600-pound life is? Have you ever seen that show? I asked Kalilah, and that's a thing. We make love with that show playing in a loop.

Shut up. We love fucking with that show on. Oh, yeah. Why? That show is like minor league, bro. But it makes me so sad. No. That makes me so sad. No. That makes me so sad.

They did that to themselves. Yeah, dude. But there's so many underlying issues. Like when this Harlequin baby is born, there's no choice there. That's helpless. Yeah, when they're like 700 pounds. You're right. You did that.

Okay, so you don't feel bad for people that they put themselves in those positions. You only feel bad if they can't help it. Well, I understand that it's a disease. Totally. And I understand that there's trauma or whatever that, you know. Yeah, you were an addict. Yeah, I'm an addict, right? But I've also, in sober 17 years, I'm not saying that, I'm not cured by all means.

I could go out at any moment. I'm not cured by all means. I could go out at any moment. But for me, when my life got bad, I looked at my whole life and I saw that, oh, in a couple of years, I could die. It's devastating. So if I change my behavior now, it's going to maybe give me some hope. So I stopped. Yeah, but you're lucky you had that perspective.

Yeah, sure. You're lucky. I think you're lucky that you had that perspective. I think so many people want to feel that way, and they just never get there. There's a lot of people that have addictions that just can't get there. Yeah, they can't be honest with themselves. Yeah, but you hit your bottom.

Some people never hit the bottom. Yeah, but your bottom isn't, it's different for everybody. What if some people just stay drifting just right in the middle of sadness? I have a friend, and I don't want to say his name, I so badly want to. I can't um it's it's different for everybody what if some people just stay drifting just right in the middle i have a friend i don't say his name i will so badly want to i can't do it say it right now i have a friend calisto calisto yeah yeah what is it this sounds like a conquistador and he lives in silver lake conquisto he's a cute guy talented guy but you know he just could never

own up to his alcoholism yeah Yeah, and he still drinks now? I think so, yeah. You just don't talk anymore? I don't talk to him anymore, no. How many people do you think are alcoholics that don't admit it? What percentage? At the comedy store? Comics, yeah.

Oh, I know so many. Yeah, how many that don't admit it? Top of the head, I know one right now that is doing okay. Who is it? I can't say his name. Is it me? There's no way. No, I don't think you're an alcoholic. I wouldn't be doing this with you. I just like drinking. You do it as a bit. I like

drinking. Yeah, but I don't ever see you drinking. I drink. Yeah, but there's no reputation that, oh, Santino got drunk. You know what I mean? He did this or that. Yeah, he couldn't get it together. But there's some people that you know that just are so, that are functioning. There are guys that are like

so obviously an alcoholic that still get spots at the conference. Ron White fucking parties hard. Okay, that's one maybe, yeah. He parties hard. But there's even younger ones that are like that

and I can't say any names. Well, you don't have to say names. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah, sure. Do you? I do. I'm not going to put anybody under the bus.

I understand, but you do. Yes, I know who you're talking about. Is he white? Aren't they all? Yeah, they are. Is he young? How about this? How about this?

My age. Is he West Coast or East Coast? East Coast. That's right. We know the same guy. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's so gross. That's so close. That's so fucked up. Yeah.

New York? New York? New York. New York or no? New York. No. No. No. Not New. That's so fucked up. Yeah. New York? New York? New York. New York or no? New York. No. No. No.

Not New York. Above it, right? Yeah. Right? That's it. That's it. That's all we can go. That's how far we can go.

That's how far we can go. Connecticut? Bobby? Yeah. We have to cut that part out of it. Yeah. I'm blushing now. That was funny though.

I'm blushing too. I'm blushing too. It's funny. We're both blushing. We're both blushing. I don't think I've ever blushed with you. I've never blushed with you. I'm so uncomfortable blushing with you.

Hey, you know what I made people do? What? I think you saw it. I made people call the hotline and leave us a voicemail. Yeah. We can't play it because it's not loud enough. People are going to be pissed off. Yeah.

The voicemail fucked up, but I wanted people to do this thing called rate my voice so we could listen to these, but listen, this is the problem. Yeah. I got all these voicemails and they're way too quiet because the recording thing fucked up. Okay. So let's try one. See if you can hear this. Okay. 714. That's your area code, right? No. Isn't that orange County? Oh, hold on here. Let's see. Hold on here. Let's see. What's up? Slap King, Cheeto Santino.

Joe from Long Beach. I can't hear it. What's up? Slap King, Cheeto Santino. The fuck is the best? He said, what's up? Slap King, what's up? Cheeto Santino. The Nintendo bit last time was the best.

He had a very fucking Long Beach talk. This sucks that we can't play these. I'm going to have to get up and do it again. Can I say something right now? Yeah. You should have just worked on it and then presented it.

I should. By you doing it this way, it's unprofessional. I'm showing my flaws. Yeah. But I'm being transparent with you that it's flawed. I just want to show you

it wasn't going to work so I'm not going to do it anymore. It's amateur hour. Oh, is this amateur hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is amateur hour? I mean, you should have something like a program that's like working.

I was trying to get it done. But if it's not working, they just don't bring it up until the next time. They wanted to bring it up. That's all good. It's unprofessional. I'm going to put out my flaws. I'm going to put them out there. Yeah.

So you're sitting at your house. It's the middle of the day. And you're like, I'm starving. I want a burrito and some whiskey. Good choice. Good choice. That's a great lunch choice. Burrito and whiskey go well together. So you're like, how do I get these things? Well, do I get in my car?

Do I go see people? Do I go be bothered all day long? No. Stay at home. Chill out. Don't move. Download the Postmates app if you don't already have it, which you should. But if you don't, it's kind of a good thing because right now, if you go download Postmates for the first seven days, the first week, they're going to give you a hundred dollars credit a hundred dollars a hundred smackaroons is going to go to you if you download Postmates and use the code SIPPING

S-I-P-P-I-N-G SIPPING get your whiskey and burrito on anything you can think of Postmates will deliver so download the Postmates app right now in the first seven days

they'll give you a hundred dollar credit on Postmates baby use the code SIPPING why didn't you all go on that audition the other day? you want to talk about that? they give you $100 credit on Postmates, baby. Use the code SIPPING. Why didn't you all go on that audition the other day? You want to talk about that? Yeah. Because...

Okay, I want to say something. Go ahead and say it. Bobby and I, we're going to go off for the same role. Yeah. So they really know what the fuck

they were looking for. Right. When you and I are auditioning for the same, it's like when me and Ian Edwards used to be in the same room. Yeah. And I'd go,

a skinny black vegan? I'm a 6'1 redheaded guy. What could we have in common? I get, I feel good when I'm doing it against with you. You should see what I normally get. Who do you go up against? I go against freaks.

Like a 500 pound Nigerian guy. But that's the same thing to me. A blind Puerto Rican. I get like, not other other. So I'm in a room with all these freaks. And I'm like, am I a freak? Well, no, you're not a freak.

They just know you're good enough at comedy, you could play a freak. I don't know, maybe I'm funny looking. But this audition was, I just ate it so bad. I know, you told me how bad you bombed. It shocked me. Well, but I don't think you ever bombed. I think people bad. Yeah, I know. You told me how bad you bombed. It shocked me. Well, but I don't think you ever bomb. I think people know.

People don't know, but you do that all the time, that you'll say something's way worse than it is, even though it's not that fucking bad. You do that constantly. Oh, this is bad. I'm sure it wasn't. Not as bad as you make it out to be. I'm sure it was fine.

You've made it this far in your professional career. I'm sure you've never done that bad. Oh my God. You have no idea what you're talking about, but thank you. I'm sure. I just can't imagine but I Bobby said why didn't you offer the role

yeah so you I know that you got an audition too so why didn't you do it why because I didn't okay do you want me to talk shit about it don't name don't name who's in it but you know well that's part of it that's why I didn't want to go out of it

listen it was a role yeah for a computer nerd tech nerd whatever yeah yeah and i automatically was like i've never gotten these i've tried to go out for them in the past yeah okay yeah and every time they're like very funny they def you look nothing like what they're looking for yeah that's what they say every time yeah they go he doesn't look like the guy that they want, but he did very well. Cause I, I'm funny in the room. That doesn't matter. I,

this, I'm not, it's not going to work. I'm not going to be that guy, that computer nerd. It's just not going to happen. They can, you can try.

It's not going to happen. Okay. So I read the thing. I read the lines. I didn't see any part that I could have been funny in. Yeah. Okay. At all.

Yeah. And then I thought, well, who's in the movie? Who's in it? I'm not talking shit. Yeah. But I'm thinking maybe it's littered with comedians and I'll just try to go in and do it. But it was Dakota Johnson and Tracy Ellis Ross. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Great future. No, no, no. Hollywood future. They're good. They're great actresses. That's not Hollywood future. Yeah. That's not the point. Hollywood Future, yeah, yeah. That's not the point. The point is, I thought if it was a comedy movie,

I would try harder. Yeah, but these comedy movies, right, don't have funny people in them. I know, but that's what my point is. I don't want to be in a not funny movie and also not be funny. I understand that, but I understand that. I don't want to be in a not funny movie

where I'm not funny. That's double negative to me. But the thing is that- Which is positive. I should have done it. But here's the trick of it all. The trick of it is is that Which is positive. I should have done it. But here's the trick of it all. The trick of it all is that like

but that's but when you do a comedy movie with all these unfunny people I'm not saying you're unfunny.

I'm just saying it doesn't read funny. It's not funny. Okay. It's not funny. Right. But you I know I'm funny.

So maybe I could steal the scene or whatever. No. Because the movie's not about you have nothing to do in that movie. I know. There's no business maybe I could steal the scene or whatever. No. Because the movie's not about, you have nothing to do in that movie. I know. There's no business for you in the movie. That's my point. Tracy Ellis Ross and Dakota Johnson.

I love them. Yeah. I'm big fans. Look, they're great. I was just reading it like, what am I going to do with them? It's going to be about them. Yeah. And I'm going to be a computer nerd who's like, the files are uploading right now.

And they're like, well, get it to us because we need to leave for the event and i'm like i'm trying i don't want to do that i don't need that it's just what does that do for me yeah yeah it you know what it does because i've done things before in my past that made me feel bad about myself then you go man i feel kind of shitty i feel shitty because i'm not i wasn't good it was i wasn't funny yeah i look like a loser i may have done a bad job just avoid it what I don't get is when they get you want to read this

I don't want to go in there though yeah so they go I go can I just put myself on tape what's the difference there is no difference I know but the thing is because when you show up there

you're on tape I'd rather just do it in my environment and this is a new thing that I do I go I'll do a tape and they still want me to come in i'll come in then that's smart because at that point then they saw what you're doing right they kind of like ballpark maybe they can give you some notes but i'm not gonna go in

there cold well yeah it's also like the irony is here you go this is super meta for people that some people have checked out but i mean like no i think people are interested no they are in the audition world i just think something that needs to be known is, here's what's crazy. When you book a fucking role, you get to try it in front of a camera, in front of a crew, a thousand times until you get it right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you go to an audition, you do it one time. How is that a measurement of what's going to happen during the day? Exactly. It's also, I'm glad we're talking about this

because I'm on Splitting Up Together. I don't know what's going to happen. No, it's a great show on ABC and you should really watch it. I love it. Splitting Up Together is a good show. Don't do that. I love it. It's a good happen. No, it's a great show on ABC and you should really watch it. I love it. Splitting Up Together is a good show. Don't do that. I love it.

It's a good show. I love it. It's a good show. It's a great show. I love it. But with Splitting Up, they just called me and they said, you want to do it? And I go, oh, you know what I do? They know what you do.

And then I go up and then a director will go, less on that. We like this. And then just quicken it up. Perfect. Then you go, okay, I'll do it. Right. You do it. And then just quicken it up. Perfect. Then you go, okay, I'll do it. Right. You do it. They go, okay, we're moving on.

You know what it's like? What? You know what I compare it to? What? Imagine a pro athlete gets traded to another team. Yeah. They don't make them try out again. Those are pro athletes.

If I get traded from the fucking Lakers. That's interesting that you say that. It's not like you go to the Knicks and they go, how you doing, man? Welcome. You're like, good. I feel good. And they're like, you do some layup drills real quick before we give you the contract. Wait, no, but I was a pro over there. Yeah. I just don't think you're still man? Welcome. You're like, good. I feel good. And they're like, you do some layup drills real quick before we give you the contract. Wait, no, but I was a pro over there.

Yeah. I just don't think you're still a pro though. You think I lost the skill? That is like that. That is like that. It's bullshit. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't lose the fucking skill from one job to the other. Yeah. And then listen, the only way that I think it's applicable, if you're like, if you're a, um, what's his name? The play Lincoln, Daniel Day Lewis. It's like, if you are so unbelievably in-depth and do these character role movies, I get that they need to see you change shape. Yeah, yeah.

But if they're wanting Bobby Lee to be the best version of Bobby Lee in this character, you know how I do that. Yeah. You've seen you do that. Also, I could just send them like a three-minute clip of all the movies and TV shows I've done. Yep. And just, that's enough. There you go.

Because I'm going to do basically, you know, a version of whatever these are. Right. Right. So that's why I don't know. So, so, so my beef with going out for things that A, I know I don't belong in. Yeah. And by the way, your intuition is always right. When I go, when I go, this will be bad, but I'll go anyway.

And then I'll go. I always eat the shit. I'm always like, fuck that. Every time I've gone, I like this. I could, this will be bad, but I'll go anyway. And then I'll go. I always eat the shit. I'm always like, fuck that. Every time I've gone, I like this. This could be something I could get. I've either gotten it or it's come close. My intuition has almost never failed me. Wow.

I have never, ever. Don't get so emotional right now. You're getting so angry. I've never gone out for something. I've never gone out for something. I don't even care, dude. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting emotional.

I love it. I've never gone out for something. Yeah. even care, dude. Yeah, yeah. I get emotional. I love it. I've never gone out for something. Yeah. And thought, I'm never going to get this. And then I got it. It's never happened. Yeah.

Not once. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Look at that. Where's the set guy? It's great. I did it with one hand. Just unhook bras.

I feel like you have a lot of... You know, you build these resentments up. No. No. I don't have resentments up. No. No. I don't have resentments. I just think I have a lot of resentments. I don't resent. You do have anger issues, though.

Yeah. Why? You want to know? I'll tell you what I see. Okay. Tell me. I'll tell you what I see. Bobby Lee Tell me. I'll tell you what I see. Bobby Lee wants to be my therapist.

In my honest opinion about you, I have a variety of feelings. Okay. Right? Most of them positive, some negative. Okay? I feel like you have underneath the layer of goodness, there's, you mean a hint of racism? Uh-huh. Right?

It's bigger than a hint. Right? And like you had been in a war or something. You think in my previous life? And somebody that looked like me wiped out your whole platoon. Probably. Yeah, but that's how you treat me? Like you want to try to like me, but there's like, you know what I mean?

You just killed. Because when I look deep into your eyes, I see the kamikaze pilot in you. I see the crazy kamikaze pilot in you. I see the crazy kamikaze pilot in you. Do you know they used to say that they were coming so fast and so quick to the boats at Pearl Harbor? They could see their eyes right before they hit the boat. See, I can see that when I look in your eyes. But there was two people, right? They could see the first fucking pilot.

No, but there was two Japanese dudes, kamikaze pilots, that bailed. Only two. And they did the injector thing. What do you mean? They got popped out of the plane. And they lived?

They lived, but then the Japanese government knew that they bailed and they killed them. They should have come to the United States and...

That's what I would have done. Yeah. Yeah. And I just made that story up. Jesus shit. I bought that shit. story up. You piece of shit. So. I bought that song.

I know. And it feels good. That was really good. It feels good to lie. That was really good. Thank you so much. That was really good. I know.

I lie. I lie all the time. Well, you told us in the poker game, in the ATC poker game, how much you lie. I lie all the time. Yeah. What in your standup have you lied about for years that you finally want to tell is the truth? What's the real truth in some of your bits?

I know you do a bit that's a complete lie. Tell me which one it is. They're all based on some sort of truth. Yeah, but you made one up so bad. You know what it is. Go ahead and say it. I know which one it is. I don't want to say it. Go ahead and say it. I'm not ready to say it. I think you should say it right now. I think it's a perfect time.

Say it. What's the difference? What is it? Say it. You say it because I don't think you know what it is. Are you going to put it on a special? What? Are you going to put it on a comedy special? Yes. You're not. I know you're not.

I am. You're not. You're too precious. You're too precious. You're precious. You're beautiful. I honestly don't know what you're talking about. Give me the hint.

You know what bit I'm talking about. I know what you're trying to do. You know what bit I'm talking about. I don't know. Here's what it is. I know what you're trying to do. I know exactly what you're trying to do, and it's really good psychology. You don't know.

Yes, I do. But you're pushing me so that I go, oh, yeah, it's this one. And when I say it, you're going to think, you're going to go, yeah, I told you. I'll give you a hint. Yeah. It involves a neighbor. You do know. I don't want to talk about it right now.

Come on, please. Tell my fans. Tell your fans and my fans. Sit back and pull the mic in and get comfortable. Yeah. I want you talk about it right now come on please tell my fans tell your fans and my fans sit back and pull the mic in and get comfortable yeah I want you to say it okay so

I want to defend it go ahead can I defend it first sure okay so I use the molestation okay okay all right

so all right okay so I've talked to my brother about it okay So I use the molestation. Okay. Okay. All right. So, right. Okay. So I've talked to my brother about it. Okay. So I say in my act that I was molested by a guy with down syndrome. Say what you say in the act. I say in the act that,

um, in your father's voice, in my father's voice, you know what I mean? I say Bobby was molested by a guy with down syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. By I mean? You say, Bobby was molested by a retarded boy. Yeah, yeah. By a retarded boy. A retarded boy.

A retarded guy, right. Right. And he tells, in my act, he tells like if I introduce him to like just a friend of mine, like a girlfriend from school, that's the thing he opens with. Right. But I talked to my brother and my brother remembers the guy. So the guy did exist. Yeah, that he's real.

He is real. And I've gotten the details about like, so I say I went there every day, three summers in a row. That's a lie. Why are you smiling? I just, I'm into it. I think it's funny. Right. And then sometimes I've said that he sticks his fingers inside me. That's not true. It's not true, I don into it. I think it's funny. Right? And then sometimes I've said that he sticks his fingers inside me.

That's not true. It's not true, I don't think. But he did exist. There was Fun Dip. There was Fun Dip, right? And I think I did jerk him off. You did. Yeah.

So there was like exaggerations around the line. But he does exist. Was it to completion? I don't think so, no. Because you can't when you're i don't think i could complete in fact when i completed the first time was i remember where i was where in my guest bathroom at my house in rancho bernardo it felt so good i couldn't believe it And a little Visine drop came out. And I remember getting an orgasm and go, Oh,

like, like making a noise. And that, and that to you was like, that was the beginning of the end. You were going to do that for the rest of your life. Every single day. Yeah.

Because it's, it's one of those, like you don't, as a kid, you don't know what, or what an orgasm is or what it scared me. So when you, yeah,

when you discover it, you go, oh, this is a reason to live. I can do this all the time. I wonder if I run out of these. I think I've told this before, but Pavlov is the Pavlov effect. You know the dog and you ring a bell and it gets hot. At the time, Beverly Hills Cop was a very popular movie.

Probably my favorite movie. I love that movie. Glenn Frey has the song in there. The heat is on. Yeah, yeah. It's on the street. Yeah, yeah. The heat is on.

When I would come, that song would get in my head. You knew who steals that movie? Huh? It was Pavlovian. That song, for some reason, was stuck in my head. So when I would shoot a nut, I would hear, The heat is on. I would hear the song. No. I'm not kidding. I swear to stuck in my head. So when I would shoot a nut, I would hear, the heat is on. I would hear the song.

No. I'm not kidding. I swear to God in my life. So when the movie would, when the movie would come out and I'd watch it, I'd hear that song. I would get a hard off. Really?

My dick was like, it's time. It's time. I don't have a song that does that. The heat is on. I mean, sometimes, like once in a great while,

when I come now, it pops in my head. It gives me a little chuckle right after I come. Really? That's so fun. Yeah. You know who steals that movie though? Who? Belki? it gives me a little chuckle right after i come oh really i just go that's so fun yeah uh you know who steals that movie though who bronzy bronzy pincho is by far the best yeah he kills

the art dealership right yeah he kills it so good in that fucking movie yeah why was he so good in that that's so funny because it stuck i said that belki yeah yeah bronson yeah he does a funny kind of gay but he's not gay he's not gay yeah but he does He does a funny kind of gay. But he's not gay. That's what's funny. Yeah, but he does like a feminine-y, kind of quirky with an accent, like an Eastern European-y. And he calls, and for younger people,

Beverly Hills Cop is one of the greatest fucking movies of all time. And Eddie Murphy plays a police officer called Axel Foley, which is the cool, I remember how cool that name was. And he couldn't say it. Bronson would call him Achmel, Achuel Foley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Achuel Foley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Achuel Foley.

Yeah, but that actor though, he, you've seen what happened to him later. Bronson Pinchot? Yeah, in life. No, I don't know what's up. Yeah, he's like,

he lives in like the East Coast in like a small town and apparently he is like a crazy recluse kind of a guy. Really? Like he let them all go? Yeah, he burned bridges. Yeah, he burned a lot of bridges

in Hollywood. Really? Yeah, a lot of these guys, they didn't know that, you know, you have to realize that it's cyclical, right? You can have,

like the 80s, right? You're killing it in the 80s. I mean, he was fucking, for people to know, he was on a TV show that was one of my favorite shows called The Perfect Strangers. Yeah, great show.

Great show. He was great in it, right? So, you know, he was killing in the 80s and in the 90s, it dries up like it does. A little bit. And you kind of have to kind of like, look at Piven.

I know Piven has a lot of weird things, right? But Piven is doing stand up. Yeah. And he's trying to figure out in this new Me Too movement how to survive. I know, but don't you think that's weird? He got Me Too'd and his show got canceled. Right? That's what happened.

He was on a popular show. He got Me Too'd, he got allegedly, and then his show got canceled. Yeah. Right. I'm just saying. I'm saying it's weird. It is weird.

It's funny because- Are you friends with him? No, I mean, I'm not not friends. We're cool. We're fine. I mean, I don't know him. I don't know him. Listen, listen.

You know, you know, people, you could, I've heard women, they have a story about him. I've heard friends of mine that have had stories. Okay. And they're terrible. About him? Yeah. I don't know him. Okay.

Okay. But sometimes you have to go like Louis C.K., right? Louis C.K. is nice to me. He's nice to you. Yeah. And Jeremy Piven has always been nice to me. Yeah. And it's like I know that there's some weird things that are attached to who they are.

Allegedly. That are allegedly. And there could be some things that are like unforgivable. Sure. But there is also the fact that they were nice to me or are nice to me. That's fine. But it's so weird to live in a world where, you know what I mean?

Where I understand, you know, is that wrong though for me to go? Yeah. He's nice to me. Say that. Is that weird to say that? No.

Look, it's maybe it's a little ironic. Those two names you brought up that Jeremy got Me Too'd and got into stand-up. Louis got Me Too'd and had to get out of stand-up. He got kicked out of stand-up. Yeah, it's weird. But look, you were friends with those people before you knew they did those things. I'm not even friends with Louis C.K.

Okay, you knew these people and you might have not known what's going on behind the scenes. So it's weird when something happens and you go, shit, I guess, what do I, am I not nice to them anymore now? Cause they've always been nice to me. I just didn't know that that was a part of their life. So what do you do? Do you change?

You stop talking to those people? Like if we saw you, if Lou, Hey, if we run into Louie. Yeah. And he doesn't even know my name. I'm just saying, I know he'll go,

Hey, Asian guy. I know. No, no, no. All I know is I've brought him up on stage a couple of times same and he shakes your hand looks and he goes what's up man like he's because he's always a nice guy

right you know chris rock is like that no no nothing not not that chris rock has a lot of anything attached to him i'm just saying that he's just a nice guy he's a nice guy and i you know and i um and piven's been nice i've have called him. We've talked. And like if I, if there was tomorrow, it broke, right? That I killed three people. Uh-huh. Right? Uh-huh. Would you, what would you say about me?

I'd say, give me the story. What happened? Did the people, like. There was three white kids and, you know know they were in a minivan yeah and the mom went in to ralph's yeah to get asparagus and i took the minivan and i drove it off a cliff wow and then i swam out and they all drowned okay what would you say if the reporter's like miss santino do you have any comments yeah i. I go, what did those kids say? What did they say to piss off Bobby?

I would say, Bobby obviously had a reason for doing that. And that's why I'm here. I would say, what did those kids say? And that's why I'm here. And I'd say, is Bobby okay? They go, the kids are dead. I go, is Bobby okay?

That's why I'm here. They go, is... Bro? Yeah? I'd defend you. I'm about to cry right now. I would defend the shit out of you. I'm about to cry right now. I would defend the shit out of you. I'm about to cry right now.

And you know what? You give me a call and you'd go, Santino, I killed those fucking kids and I'm on the run. And I said, listen,

I've got a guy named Mark. He's got some money for you. Get out of town. Honestly. I have a guy named Mark. I'll be honest. Honestly. Would you,

if I went to your house, knocked on your door and I'm running from the law and I go hey can you give me some clothes yeah and then can I have a grand

yeah I give you a grand right now no I know would you give me a grand 100% yeah I wouldn't even think I literally wouldn't think twice

if you knocked on my door and said Santino I'm in trouble if you said can I harbor you if you said Santino can you harbor me at your house i would go absolutely come on come come inside we'll hide you in the there's no way you would do that i wouldn't want i wouldn't want to put you in that position i'm telling you what i would do i'm i i wouldn't do that for you

but you know i wouldn't do that for you you wouldn't harbor me i would give you clothes yeah right i would drop you off somewhere and i would give you a grand see that's even dumber dropping me off then you're in the car with me now Now you're the guy that was with OJ. Yeah, but I, because all I can say, I don't know, he came over, he said his car broke down. He was panicked. He was panicking.

I don't know that he did anything. See, I just like the excitement. I'd want you at the house because I think it'd be cute and sneaky to always be hiding you. Every day, I'd play a game with you. I'd be like, we gotta hide you somewhere else. I think it'd be so fun. Right.

It's like hide and seek, and they're never gonna seek. Yeah. It's just always, I get to hide Bobby every day. So it doesn't matter what my crime is then? Not really. No, be real.

No, because I love you. Oh my God. That's, I don't, I don't think. Dude, you would have to do something so fucking insane. That's what I'm saying. What is it? What would be the thing?

Like if you Jeffrey Dahmer'd, like if you fucking like raped and ate people. Then I'd be like, Bobby. Come on. Yeah on yeah yeah yeah why did you do that I'm hungry

alright it would have to be so fucking bad yeah it would be weird it would have to be so fucking bad for me to disown you yeah yeah okay

you know why because everybody's fucked up and everyone's flawed yeah it's funny you have friends you and I both have friends

yeah that do some fucked up shit that we either know or don't know. And I'll tell you something. If you found out what some of the people did that we know. Yeah. The mean things or the awful things they do. Oh, I know some shit. Well, you'd go.

I know some shit. You know some fucked up shit? Of some people? Yeah, they do some fucked up shit. Yeah. Are you still cool with them? Yeah. So that's my point. Okay.

But, if you're on the run, I want to play this game with you. I'm at your door right now. No, what comics wouldn't help you? And I'm going to throw you some names. You say yes or no. Okay. And be real. What was my crime? You killed... I killed

a guy. You killed three kids. Oh, shit. You ran them over. Oh, shit. You ran them over. Oh, shit. Okay. Outside of a school? Yeah. Oh, my God. But I just kept going?

Yeah. Was I drinking? Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I'm going to, and then now it's three in the morning.

You're running around town. Panicked. Panicked, right? Yeah. And then, so I'm going to tell you what comics. Okay. And the thing is, a grand clothing, like we said. Yeah.

Right? Yes. And that's it. A grand in a clothing. Grand in clothing. And they say good luck. And good luck. All right.

D'Elia. No. Yeah. No. No way he wouldn't. No. Never. He'd call the cops on me.

Yes. He'd invite me in. Yes. And he'd call the cops on me. I'm being real. Yeah, he would. Theo Vaughn. No, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. He wouldn't even open the door. He'd call the cops on me. Yes. He'd invite me in. Yes. And he'd call the cops on me. I'm being real. Yeah, he would. Theo Vaughn.

No, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. He wouldn't even open the door. He'd be sleeping. I'd go, Theo, Theo. He'd go, what's up, man?

I'm on the run from the law. I need $1,000, please. Yeah, there's no way. No, man. You're crazy. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah. No, gone. Don't come here again.

No, don't come here, dude. You don't know me, dude. Two guys gone. Brian Callen. Yes, he would. I know. He 100% would. Callen, I know you would. Callen would give me money. He'd give me clothes. And not only that, he would find the best

route to get to where I need to go. He'd go, come in, let's map it out. Yeah, yeah. It would be a funny thing. I know a guy that you're going to say yes, but I know it's a no. Who? Joe Rogan. Joe would do it for me. For me, he would. That's a yes. I know it's a yes. Rogan would give you a grand. 100%. He would not give me a grand. He would give me, you, he probably would not.

No, because he would think that you're up to no good again. Right. Yeah, he would go. Right. He'd go, Bobby. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

What are you getting into now? Right. Yep. All right. For me, he'd go, Santino's in trouble. Right. For Bobby Diaz. He 100%.

100. He's a criminal. Yeah, but he's such a loyal dude. Yeah, he's loyal. If you were honest with him. Yeah. The only way that someone like Joey or Rogan, if you were honest. Yeah.

If you said, look, dude, I fucking killed these kids and I'm on the run. And Diaz would be like, damn, cocksucker, that's crazy. I'll fucking help you. He would help you out. Yeah, he would. Because you were honest. If you were true to him. If you lied. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you lied. You lied. If you lied and then he helped you out. Yeah. Then he'll fucking help you. He would help you out. Yeah, he would. Because you were honest. If you were true to him, if you lied,

if you lied, and then he helped you out, then he would come kill you. He would try to kill you. He'd fucking kill you. Yeah, and he would also kind of already know about it, I think. Oh, he would know.

Of course he would know. He'd hear it in the fucking streets. Whitney Cummings. No. Never. No. No, because she knows I eat animals. Right.

She put up a picture of her cute little pig yesterday on Instagram. Yeah. It took everything out of me to not write bacon I wanted to write bacon Seth Rogen

no no chance he would give me some names though okay Jenna Fisher no no she wouldn't I don't think so

people who know that is Pam from The Office who is also lead yeah I mean she wouldn't help you out? I'll tell you why, though. You've known her for how many years now?

Two years. I'll tell you why, though. Yeah. Because she has kids and married. She lives in Glen... She lives, you know, outside of somewhere in LA. Right. Okay, she lives in Los Angeles.

Yeah, Los Angeles. She has a family. There's no way. She has a family. There's no way. Really? Yeah. Give me another name.

John Cho. That was good. That has a family. There's no way. She has a family. There's no way. Really? Yeah. Give me another name. John Cho. That was good. That was a good one. That was a really good one. But no. Really? Yeah. Why?

I think the same thing. He has kids. Because the family thing? Yeah. So what? I named people with family. Also, I don't know where he lives. That has nothing to do with this.

We're not getting that deep. Oh, we're not getting that deep? No, we're talking about just would they. He wouldn't do it. If you arrived at his home. He wouldn't do it. Wow. Yeah.

Really? I don't think, dude, I mean, I could throw you, there's no way. I know, but you have, okay. I know. Okay, how about, how about, how about Adam, who, I'm not gonna say his last name, who runs the comedy store, the manager of the comedy store?

Eagot? Yeah. Why would he do that? Why would you even hide it? I don't know if people need to know that. He's even on the fucking internet. Okay, that's comedy store. Eget? Yeah. Why would he do that? Why would you even hide it? I don't know if people need to know that. He's on the fucking internet. Okay, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would Eget do it for you? Yeah. He would, huh? I think he would. Because Eget is, there are some shady things about him.

Really? Yeah. I don't want to say it. I don't want to get into his character defects or his things, but the guy has comic issues. Well, yeah.

He runs a comedy club. Sexual. And he has sexual ones. What do you mean sexual ones? He's had struggles with drugs and alcohol. Oh, right. Yeah. Right.

So I think that, and he knows that I'm sober. I think that if he were to have a connection, I think he would give me a grand. Oh, wow. But you would say not call in for a while. Okay. Yeah. I just mentioned Whitney. How about Whitney?

Would she do it for you? No. No way, huh? I would never even go to her house and ask. Why? I just, I just, I feel like it would always be able automatically. Here's a really good one for you. Yeah.

Jordan Peele. Right now, Jordan Peele. Not Jordan Peele six years ago. Jordan Peele now, today. Because Jordan Peele six years ago was a lot different. I mean, in this Hollywood realm. That dude that you just threw in. I would have to say yes.

You think he would? Today. Yeah, today. Married, family. Because I know his wife too. I know. In fact, when he was pursuing Chelsea, he'd call me and go, dude, I'm in love. Help me.

He would give me those kind of texts. Yeah. He would and go, dude, I'm in love. Help me. You know, he would like give me those kind of texts. Yeah. He would. And also Jordan, I knew him when he had nothing. I know, but they have,

he's a kid and like he's trying to, he's got to protect his life. Keegan, no. For sure. Keegan, no? Zero. Why?

I don't think he likes me now. Really? Yeah. I don't understand that. Because, you know, when we were on Mad TV, I would do things like, you know, he's a Christian, right? Well, yeah.

Like devout. Like born again. Like goes to church every Sunday? Used to be like a preacher. Really? Yeah. Wow. And I used to grab his dick.

Hmm. And he's gotten physical with me. Like, you know, I struggle with the Lord. Why do you treat me like, you know, like I remember those. What does that struggle with the Lord have to do with you? Because I used me like you know like I remember those what is the struggle with the Lord because I used to grab his ass dick and ass so what is the struggle no he's just saying

I'm a Christian why do you treat me like you know that I don't like gay shit like that but Christians do all sorts of gay shit all the time I know but you know I know but you're saying

traditionally I mean well I'm saying traditionally too yeah that's when they did all that fucked up shit but imagine if Ike Bernholtz would Ike's cool as shit so he would do it for you

huh Andy what time is it I have a show stop it what time is it On ITV, Ike Bernholtz would. Ike's cool as shit. So he would do it for you. Huh. Andy, what time is it? I have a show. Stop it. What time is it? He's fine. I'm fine. You got to leave in what?

15 minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Why?

This game is so much fun to me. It is? Yeah. That's enough because I think people are going to listen. Yeah, people are going to get upset. Tiffany Haddish. No. No?

She would for me. She would? I know she would because I've known her for years. Yeah, but I think that she has. Because you know how I met her, right? On blackpeoplemeet.com? No, no, no. When I first met Tiffany Haddish, I wanted to murder her.

Why? So this is before Kalilah. And I was on a date, okay? Who was the girl? I forgot even who the girl was. Awesome. But I was on a date, and I'm holding hands with her,

and I'm walking from the comedy store to the Laugh Factory. And I didn't even have a spot at the Laugh Factory. I just wanted to prove to this girl that I can get in any comedy club in la right trying to impress her so as i'm approaching the laugh factory tiffany haddish walks up and started going what's up ching chong and like doing like this asian shit but there was a behind it was like a prank show she was doing oh she was shooting a television show right but i didn I didn't know. You know, it's like,

I'm just going to the comedy store. Right. I mean, the laugh actor, I mean. Yeah. And she keeps in my face, you know what I mean,

going, Ching Chong, whatever, I forgot what the bit was. Ching Chong was the bit, it sounds like. Yeah. Right. And then I kind of

dragged the girl inside and I walked out and I yelled at her. Oh, you did? Because I didn't know who the fuck she was. Oh, you did? I'd never even met her before. I don't know who the fuck you are,

right? But I'm just doing this, you know, prank show through BET or whatever. I don't know what it was. And I go, yeah, but I don't, I'm not in on it or anything. I don't know you. Yeah, that's weird. Right? Don't ever fucking do that. It's weird to bring someone into your prank show. And so every day I would ever see her from then on,

I treated her like shit and hats off to Tiffany Haddish because she would still say sorry every single time and say shit like you know I fucked up I apologize

but you know I like you so much that I'm gonna fucking be so nice to you until you like me and eventually it happened it worked one day years later though I like you so much that I'm going to fucking be so nice to you until you like me. And? Eventually, it happened. It worked.

One day, years later, though. So what? Years later, I saw her at the comic store, and I just couldn't treat her like shit anymore. So I hugged her, and we became friends. And then luckily, a couple years after that, she blew up. But isn't that nice that they buried all that bullshit? Yeah, but it was her. Because you do hold grudges you say i've got problems oh my god you hold grudges worse than anybody i've ever met in my life forever at your birthday party two years ago

two years ago three years ago at at park's finest yeah you were still holding grudging on someone i'm not going to talk about and it blew my mind who i don't want to talk about it i want i want you to say it and then we'll cut it out if you cut this we're not going to cut anything out we're cutting none of this out okay but who is it all the fucked up shit that you said on this we're leaving who is it nobody likes going to the doctor i hate going to the doctor it's so annoying it smells weird there's always old people there it's in uncomfortable buildings there's terrible lighting forget about all that man 70 of dudes who have erectile dysfunction who just can't get it up as much as they used to are afraid to admit it and talk about

it. And so they never go in and never gets diagnosed and they get worried and scared and they can't get the diesel up anymore. Well, put that to bed, dude. Cut that out. Go to roman.com slash sipping, S-I-P-P-I-N-G, roman.com slash sipping and go ahead and get a free online visit. You can talk to someone on there. Talk about your problems. Don't sipping and go ahead and get a free online visit. You can talk to someone on there. Talk about your problems. Don't get nervous and weird. You're behind a computer. So just like when you chat in those chat rooms or make negative or positive comments, you're protected. It's all good. If you've got trouble down below, it's not working out that well. Don't be nervous. You're not alone. Go ahead and go to roman.com slash sipping to get a free online consultation do it man i'm not going

to talk about him because i know the guy oh is it is he asian yeah okay that's all i need to know i know what you're saying but you but like that's my point is like you still hold crazy grudges against people for years i don't your birth no no here it was your birthday here here here okay dude look at how asian you're sitting right now Here, here. Here. Okay? Dude, look at how Asian you're sitting right now.

You had a cigarette. Or if I had a sword back here, right? That's live. Right? Yeah. But here's the deal, dude, okay? Is, I'm sorry, but these are facts. And it's really weird. I hate tooting my own horn.

Toot it. I'm going to toot away, dude. Toot it, dude. I'm going to do it right now, okay? I probably have helped more comics at the comedy store than any other comic. Okay, true. No, I don't agree. I got Shafir, all those guys, right?

Commercial agents. Did I help you? You helped me. Right. I got Shafir, all those guys, right? Commercial agents. Did I help you? You helped me. Right. Theo Vaughn, Eric Griffin, they're with C-A-Y, me. You. Trevor Noah, he's with C-A-Y, me. You.

Okay? And these are things I don't like to say them, but I want to say, okay. So I, and I've helped a lot of other comics too that I want to name names, right? That have betrayed me, right? So when I go out of my way and I loan you some money or I get you an agent or I set up a showcase and you're nothing, right? These are people that at one point had nothing going on, right? Right. Right?

And I go out of my way because I see talent and I want to help people, right? You fucking betray me one time, I hold a resentment. Forever. And is that a character defect? Big time. I know. Yeah, but that's okay.

I need help. No, no, but that's okay. I need help, I think. That's okay because you don't have a lot of flaws. I have so many flaws. You have very average though. They're average. That's a big one.

But other ones aren't that bad. How is that a big one? That's a big one. When you go out of your way. How is that a big one? That's a big one. When you go out of your way to help people and then like. Yeah, because you got to let things go. At some point, you just got to let it go. There's one kid, right, that. There's one kid that I helped get him into acting class.

Right? George Clooney. Go ahead. Whatever. Right? He goes, he just got off the boat. I'm a bus from some city I have no money

it's not an Asian guy I don't know why I say I don't know I know he got off the boat in Asia in Asia we use the boat reference of course

yeah so I got mixed up yeah got off the bus and one day he goes I have no money and I know that I have to take acting classes so I gave him acting classes

how much is acting class money back then it was like I gave him like $2,500 that's a lot of fucking money to give somebody. He paid me back years later. Wow.

But you know and then one day you know he's now a name and one day he goes come here come here I want to tell you something and I go what is it? And he goes

I want to let you know that you're not a real comic. You know that right? And I go what? He's like yeah you're getting sponsored because you got know that you're not a real comic. You know that, right? And I go, what? He's like, yeah, you're getting sponsored because you got lucky and you got on a TV show. What? But you don't have the skills. What?

Right? And I looked at him. In shock. And I smiled. I was in shock. And I smiled like this. And I turned around. And I walked to my car. i was like he's gonna die

one day he's gonna die right and i think about it every single day where is he now killing it he's doing well yeah i can't believe sebastian would say no it was never sebastian never sebastian no i know sebastian will always be an ally he's the best this guy's still doing well that said that mean shit to you yeah so my point is is that i have five or six of those and um i'm sorry that i get a little perturbed when these people you know me fuck you like that yeah doesn't kalilah try to help you get your shit right though she does she does a good job doesn't she does a really good job but still she can't get every like today we had a conversation because i read an

article about like that my show might not come back why would you write that i don't know i read it sometimes why would you read that i got don't know. I read it sometimes. Why would you read those? I got in a real big depression because of that audition that I went, that one that you missed. And I had a bad audition. So in my head,

I'm like, it's all, you know, what am I going to do? You know what I mean? That's why I'm buying a house too right now. And it's like so much money. So I'm like,

how am I going to pay? You know what I mean? And all these things come up. You have plenty of money. I know I have some, but it's fine. But my point is, is that.

It just gets scary. It gets kind of, you I know, I have some, but it's fine. But my point is that... It just gets scary. It gets kind of scary. You know, you go through responsibility shit. But in your tenure of being a comedian and an actor, you've never had a huge drought. So why would you think it's going to come? Oh, I've had a drought. For how long?

A year? No, from the end of Mad TV to Animal Practice. I didn't do one single acting job. Yeah, but you were still touring doing stand-up. And that was a four-year fucking... But you were touring doing stand-up. Yeah, but you don't want to be at the fucking Chuckle Hut Fuck Factory in Idaho. I'm at the Chuckle Hut Fuck Factory in Idaho next week.

I know. My point is, though, that when you go on TV... And I was talking about that earlier. When you go through a lull, right? You have to know that it's gonna come back around but I had a four-year lull and it was painful I remember one time Brian Callen I was like about to cry and Callen sit next to me and he said something he was trying to help me but he said something so fucking insulting and he goes hey man I go what's up?

He goes, yeah, I know you're bummed, right? I can't get any auditions. And he goes, hey, man, wait. I just thought about maybe learning how to act. And I look at him and I go, what? And he goes, yeah, take an acting class or something. You're trying to learn how to act. And I turn my body away And I go He's gonna

He's gonna He's gonna die I'm gonna kill him But you like Callan Back then When he tried to do that It was like I was so offended by it

No Because it's like Oh I'm sorry Brian I had already done Fucking movies And TV shows And shit And he wasn't

He hadn't done that much Oh he had done During that time I always forget though He's like 70 He's done done fucking movies and TV shows and shit. And he hadn't done that much. Oh, he had done. During that time. I always forget, though. He's like 70. He's done so much stuff. Yeah, he's 83. He's done old stuff.

He was in I Love Lucy, the original. Do you know that? Yeah, as a teenager. Yeah, he was a teenager. He was a teenager. But back then, he was in old school, remember? And then he... Yeah, yeah.

And he did... He was really good in that MMA mma movie was it called he was in he was worse and more stuff than he was good in that's what i'll say about brian don't say that brian's worse and he is bad and more stuff than he is good in stuff and that's a fact about brian yeah don't say that out loud brian callen i've said it once i'll say it a thousand times if he wants wants to fight, we can set it up. Yeah, he does things where he'll send me videos and he'll just go on a rant. He sends me ranty videos all the time. It drives me crazy, this guy. And I want to fucking kill him because of it.

Yeah, yeah. He thinks he's funny. Good night. Fucking Bobby. Yeah, yeah. That's so mean. I know it is. I know.

That's so mean. I know. I'm not saying anything mean. I feel bad for them. Yeah, but now I can't get that fucking image out of my head. Now I'm gonna be coming and that's gonna be in my head. You should see Harlequin Itchios' births when they come out.

I don't want to see them. There's some in India and they put like this like demonic music to it. Do you go to a website to find all this fucked up shit or how do you just find it independently? YouTube. Yeah, but how do you get there? Well, here's the thing, Mike. Actually, this is a good tell. Open your YouTube app right now. This is a very good tell. Oh, you're

not going to be able to tell from my... Well, I'm saying it's going to populate what you usually watch. It's not going to... Because the things that I watch, you're going to be like, you watch that? No, I'm interested. I'll show you. It's not... Harlequin. Let me read it, though. So which one? Where? Just give me the main page. do I do Give me the main page Give it to me right now

This is the main page right here Give it to me I'm not gonna fuck with your phone Okay I don't care if you fuck with it Okay so on Bobby's Main YouTube page You don't have the app

You have the app don't you No I don't have that You don't have the YouTube app No How do you not have that But it has that Okay But on your main

YouTube page it's Britain's Got Talent auditions Ellen Jimmy Fallon, American Idol, a family guy clip, somebody that you watch called Quick Bald Potato. Yeah. Do you watch Quick Bald...

Conan clips? Yeah. And then movie trailer. And then here's Asian stuff. And this came back up I'm not kidding I didn't do anything I literally popped back up All I watch on YouTube Is auditioning shows

American Idol and all that shit I love American Idol I love The Voice I love all that stuff You like that stuff? I love any show When somebody gets really nervous And they hit it out of the park

Oh you like success stories. I like when people, because I can't do that. I crumble sometimes and I want to learn to be able to hit the ball every time. So I watch these auditioning shows and I see guys fuck up on a,

like if they're singing and they miss a line and still regroup. Yeah, and they regroup and they find it again. I like it. Do you think they're ever playing it up? See, I think that's played up.

I think sometimes they produce that shit and they go, fuck it up a little bit and then a second time do it good. I'm telling you, I think they produce it. You don't know. I think they produce it.

You don't know. They go get out there because they always have a sad story. They go tell them that your dad was handicapped and your mom was blind and your brother's gay and he tried to commit suicide. They all have the saddest fucking stories on earth.

Where do they find these people with the saddest stories? Yeah, in American Isle, there's a guy named Jeremiah, right? Watkins? No, his name is Jeremiah and he's gay. Jeremiah Watkins. No. Go ahead.

And his dad is a pastor, right? Pastor. Whatever, preacher, whatever. Sure. And his storyline was, you know, his parents, you know what I mean, aren't supportive of him because, you know, he's gay. Right.

But then later, if you find out, he tweets like, no, my parents love me. I don't know why they did that. Oh, they produced it that way. Right, of course. Yeah. To come up with a story, right? Where they say, this guy, you know, his dad committed suicide a year ago.

His dad's like, I'm right here. I'm still alive. And his dad's there. Yeah, yeah. Playing the tambourine and stuff. The Pray Away the Gay thing, I thought that was going to be a part of it. Yeah. That was on one of these episodes.

You know where they get sent away to camp? Yeah. My neighbor, my old neighbor, got sent to Pray Away the Gay camp. And I was like to be a part of it yeah that was on one of these episodes you know where they get sent away to camp yeah my neighbor my old neighbor got sent to pray away the gay camp and I was like man that's so fucked up

religious camp to pray away the gay and you know what he said to me what the most fun summer he's ever had because you fuck all the time they fucked everybody

everyone got the fuck oh my god that's where all the fuckers are they sent them in the woods to fuck that's what it is what do you think these kids are doing out there

yeah and the camp counselors he was like they were the fucking they were the best gays because they were older and they knew how to keep, they knew how to like teach us how to keep secrets. Oh, they teach you the secret.

Wow. Yeah. They've been doing a few. They go, the camp counselors, why would you sign up for that? Yeah. If you didn't want to go back and fuck every summer. Before I leave, I want to say what I think the biggest sin there is. In just of all time?

I just think in terms of families. Yeah, what's the biggest sin? It drives me crazy when a family disowns their child because they're homosexual. Yeah. I find that to be so fucking appalling to me. Do you? Yeah, I mean, I couldn't agree more. I think disowning your children for almost anything is pretty tough if your kid was gay what would you say you're my son come out to

me right now dad yeah bud hi hi how are you i'm watching my show i mean oh i'm sorry okay that's okay i know you watch your favorite show but yeah what's going on anyway i just i i hold on let me pause two and a half men okay go ahead but you you have the box set that I got you for Christmas last year. It was very sweet of you. And I just, you know, Charlie is my favorite, so I got to watch this. Anyway, okay, good. It's really hard for me to say, but, you know... If you need money, just ask, bud.

I'll give you anything in the world. It's not about money, Dad. Oh, okay. You know how, like, in high school, I never went to prom? Yeah, that bummed me and your mother out a lot. Yeah. I got to tell you, I was really sad about that. You know, and.

I got my suit tailored just for you and your little five, six body and that cost me a lot of money. Yeah. So. And you know my best friends were all Larry and Butch, right? Yeah, Larry and Butch, your butts. Yeah, my butts. Yeah, they're really nice guys.

Yeah. And you know that they came out last year. They came out outside? They're gay. I told you that, right?, they're really nice guys. Yeah. And you know that they came out last year. They came out outside? They're gay. I told you that, right? That they're gay. Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned that.

Yeah. But I thought you were just joking around about it. No, no, no. They're fully gay. Hmm. Huh. Hmm. Okay.

You're not going to hang out with those guys anymore, huh? No, they're my roommates. Right. I'm saying, but now that they're gay you're no but i you know that they're roommates and you know that they were gay anyway i want to let you know that um you know that i'm i too am gay really Really? Okay.

Okay. You wouldn't do that? No. Of course not. You would kiss him on the forehead? I would say, so what? Right. If my kid said, I'm gay, I'd go, okay.

Do you need my help with something? Do you need my help getting through this time? Do you want any help? You would say it like that? You're so stern. I would say, what can I do? No, but say it in a loving way. He just was Do you want any help? You would say it like that? You're so stern. I would say, what can I do? No, but say it in a loving way. He just was just vulnerable in front of you.

I would say, I'm gay. Dad, I'm gay. Okay. Now I'm okay with that. Oh, thanks. I'm comfortable with that. You are? Yeah.

I don't care whatever you are. I'm still going to love you no matter what. That doesn't mean anything to me. That's exactly what you should. Whether or not you suck dick or eat puss, it doesn't matter. We'd have more in common if you ate puss because I got to tell you, we have some good box stories. Even your mom, I can tell you some great stuff about going down on earth. I don't want to hear about mom's box. But I got to tell you, bud, I don't give a fuck what you do with your time.

You're a grown man. You make your own decisions. Okay? Okay. All right, now get out of here, you little fag. Yeah. I would love to fuck out of my... Why would I care if my kids fucking get...

No. fuck out of my why do i care why would i care if my kids fucking get no but but i will say if i would have a harder time if my kid was an addict oh yeah yeah coming from the world that i come from especially that'd be harder for me oh that's different yeah approaching that would be way harder than any than sexuality because that would have that would be tough for me because it would break my heart a little bit also there's because because you know the old thing people used to go oh my kid is gay what did i do wrong i would never think like that of course not that's stupid yeah but the addict thing i would go what did i do wrong but it's also that you're born with that i know dude but i'm just saying like it it is it is a thing that it's

social it's socially a lot of addiction happens from a lot of social things as well so then i my brain would automatically go to, did I fuck up? Did I fuck him up? Did I fuck him up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just saying. Because I'm a child of addiction. So it's like from my head, that's where I go to.

Yeah, I think that, well, you are a child of addiction. Because I'm a drug addict, you know, and I also know a lot of dudes that are in AA or whatever, 12-step groups who their parents were sober since they were born. Oh, yeah. Right? So they used when their parents are both in recovery, right? And the parents, imagine having 20, 30 years of sobriety and your son or daughter is slamming heroin in your fucking bathroom, what would

you do? And then you have to use those tough love tactics of like, you got to leave the house, right? I can't give you any money until you decide to get some, you know, that kind of stuff. It's so hard. See, that's what I'm saying. That would be harder than my kid goes, dad, I'm gay. I'd go, okay.

That's why I said you need my help because I would say it in a way of like, are you telling me that in a good of like are you telling me that in a good place or a bad place because if he says it's coming from a bad place people are harassing me and fucking with me

and like I would immediately want to know what I can do yeah I'm happy that you told me that you're gay that's great

awesome I'm glad you trusted me with this part of your life what would you do if somebody was bullying my gay son no not even just that

go fucking kill him but you're like if like you get a call right you're on the road and you have a kid and five guys just beat your son to a pulp where his eye came out of his sock and he's on like critical condition yeah what would you do i'm getting on a flight immediately and they'll do what i'm gonna kill those kids yes i am i'm gonna kill those kids to kill those kids. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I'm going to kill those kids and I'm going to go to prison. You're not going to do any of that. You hurt my family?

No, no, no. You're not in the mafia, dude. This is not like... You hurt my family? I'm going to hurt you bad. No, your son's eyes popped out. He's not dead. That's right.

Well, then their eyes are going to come out. Then each of their eyes... They're all going to come out. That's what you would do? Justice. Oh, my... No, you wouldn't.

Yes, I would. No, you wouldn't. No, and I'd say that right to the judge. You little fucking faggot. You wouldn't do that. You little faggot. What did you say? Yeah, you wouldn't Justice Yes I would You'd be like No you wouldn't No and I'd say that Right to the judge You little fucking faggot Because they did that to my son You little faggot What did you say?

Yeah you wouldn't do it That was good Yeah You see that? That'd be so hard though If somebody If somebody fucking Bullied my son

Regardless of if he was gay or not If somebody just bullied my kid Yeah I would have a conversation with him Not the parents or the kids? No fuck the parents What the fuck Parents are bullshit I would go to the kid I'd go hey motherfucker Let's have a conversation with them Not the parents or the kids? No fuck the parents What the fuck Parents are bullshit

I would go to the kid I go hey motherfucker Let's have a talk About what you did to my son Parents What are you gonna do? You talk to the parents What are they gonna do?

Our Bradley would never do that They're gonna defend their fucking kid And the kid Oh so you come The kid goes Oh here comes the freaky Fucking redheaded dad Right

And I have a try To honest conversation When I say you know You said some shit to my son That I don't think is okay. What freak? What did you say? You freak.

What? I said. Freckly freak. I said, you said some things to my son. Yeah. I'm saying it to you now, you fucking faggot freak. Say that to me one more time. Faggot freak.

That's how it would go. Oh, wow. Right outside of the high school. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, yeah. And I would go to prison for punching a teenager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Yeah. I gave him a chance. Well, this is a very enlightened. All right, you got to go. Oh, wow. Right outside of the high school. Yeah, yeah. And I would go to prison for punching a teenager. Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit.

Yeah. I gave him a chance. Well, this is a very enlightening. All right, you gotta go. That was a very enlightening, you know. This podcast was great. I loved it.

You did a great job. It was fun. Hey, you wanna plug any dates? Yeah, I'm gonna be in Tempe soon. Improv. Love it. I have so much fun and Phoenix is one of my favorite

places in the world. Yeah, yeah. Go to bobbylee.com. Tempe. I'm also my favorite places in the world. Go to bobbylee.com. I'm also in Denver, Comedy Works Zone. Go to bobbylee.com. No, bobbyleelive.com and come see me. I'll put the link in the description below. Come see Bobby.

Go to Chito Santino on Twitter and Instagram. Andrewsantino.com for all my dates. I'm going to Vegas. I'm gonna be in Vegas first week of May. Second week of May, sorry. Keep plugging away, keep listening to us. Thank you so much for coming, Robert week of May. Second week of May, sorry. Keep plugging away. Keep listening to us. Thank you so much for coming.

Robert E. Lee, I love you so much. I really do. Give me a kiss. No. Okay. You playing a video game again? No, I'm looking at... I gotta go.

game again? No, I'm looking at... I gotta go. Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey! You are that creature in the ginger beard! Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.