Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Brad Willams

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Get ready for laughs with the true short king, comedian Brad Williams, as he shares hilarious stand-up stories and takes us on a rollercoaster of humor and heart. From early career challenges to memorable moments, enjoy this engaging conversation with the pint-sized powerhouse of comedy—with a quirky twist of coins popping out of Hornswoggle after a stone cold stunner and a showcase of Brad's famous feet on the show! #bradwilliams #andrewsantino #shortking #podcast ======================================================== SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: RABBIT https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow ROCKET MONEY Cancel unused subscriptions and save hundreds! http://rocketmoney/whiskey SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey ===================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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They've got four distinct expressions. You go get them all near you. Go to rabbitholdistillery.com slash buy now and use promo code RABBIT for $5 off your first order. rabbitholdistillery.com. rabbitholdistillery.com is where you can find it. If it's available near you, it is. Drink up responsibly. Have fun. What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, TheCannotBeHungryCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistrictCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCannotDistCann to check out Brad Williams' brand new special. Okay?

I'm working across the country trying to put together a brand new special. Me and Bobby Lee, Robert E. Lee, we're doing our final run of the Bad Friends Tour. Badfriendspod.com for those tickets. We're going to be in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then we're going to Salt Lake City and Reno and Sacramento or Wheatland or whatever that is. But it's Sacramento. Long Beach, we're doing Temecula. We're doing Tucson.

And then we're finishing off this whole thing in Vegas on 420. Also Canada. We're doing Niagara Falls and Hamilton. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets, badfriendspod.com. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Weed's Key Ginger.

My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today, it's Brad William! The only guest where you get to look at the bottom of my feet. Yeah, you get to see the bottom. Look at those things, huh? While I sit in this chair. Sketchers, baby. Are you a big sketcher guy?

They fit. Do sketchers customize... Is there a little people shoe company? There is not. There should be. Oh, it sounds like we just found a new business. Hey, dwarf shoes. Wait, seriously.

There's no little people shoe company? No. Look that up. I have to go to the stores that like- Oh my God, that's so cute. There's a company called Pretty Small Shoes. This is- PSS, Pretty Small Shoes. That's so cute.

I feel like this is such a specific fetish. It's just like, hey, I have a foot fetish, but not for adults. Not with those adult feet. Not with those fucking kid feet. Those little tiny kid feet. Most people that go to this website don't actually wear the shoes. They have them at their home to look at. To just look at. These are jerk-off shoes.

So let's make dwarf shoes, Brad. What are we talking about? Why can't we make little people shoes? So we can have the Air Jordan logo, but it's me just trying to grab something from a shelf. Just trying to open a drawer. Just me struggling with a jar. That's the logo right there. I got to tell you, I got jealous when you pulled into the parking lot because that handicap, man, is that great.

It is sweet. Laminate. Lanyard? I love it. Some people go, but Brad, you're not really handicapped. And I go, the U.S. government says I am. Yeah, wait a minute. I've seen people who get it for like...

Oh, you can get it for dyslexia. Right, you can get it for anything. Yeah, you just be like, I have high anxiety. I have a limp. I have a bad limp, and they'll give it to you. Yeah, exactly. So no, I'm taking the handicap placard. And I tell you what the best part about the handicap placard is.

I don't even really park in the handicap spots that often. What's great, you can park at a meter and not have to pay. Wait, you don't have to ever pay for street parking? No. Fuck you, Newsome. Wait a minute. You're not getting my money. You never have to pay for street parking?

Never. Give me one, dude. Please. I want that so bad. You probably say you're handicapped as a ginger, right? Oh, know what dude is this is this how we're gonna do the show is this how we're gonna do all day we're gonna fucking do this all right well i'm gonna open it up then okay no yes i do have a i am i am the rarest of of human i was actually what's the percentage of ginger versus little people what percentage of the world is a little person oh i mean you have

the entire country of ireland so it's like oh first of all we're more scott more scots and english than we are in ireland we're scots and english world population of gingers two percent of the world okay two world population of little people let's see all right you guys have to be more holy shit you're only 651 000 not even a million but the U.S., they're not you in the world. Globally, right? Globally. Global. Yeah, globally. Let's see if that helps, though. No, it said 651,000. That's what it was. 651,000 in the world.

Wow. Wow, that's nothing, dude. That's not even my hometown. So what do they say? How many people right now are there? 7 billion people on the Earth? Is that what it is? Yeah, way too many. I don't know if it's that many. What's 7 7 billion 7 billion times what did i say there was two percent of gingers yeah so that's 140 million that's so many of us wow we're at some we're growing way faster than we need to be i was thinking about this the other day okay because i i knew i was coming on

this podcast with you yeah now, I don't know if... Now, I'll be honest about this. I suffer from seasonal depression. Seasonal depression, like winter comes around, less daylight. I get really bummed out. It sucks. Do gingers do that more because you guys don't ever go outside?

Like, is that part... Is this what it is all day? Let me tell you something. When the show is over, I'm not going to help you out of that chair. You keep this up. I'm not helping you out of that chair. You're not going to give me a... No, because normally... I was going to put phone books on there, but I thought that was rude.

Normally, you get me out, but you hand me that putter, and then you pull me out of the chair. And then I have to get on rollerblades. Yes, you do. And then we just go. I stay out of the sun as much as I can, and so should you, Speak of the Devil. You're not fucking olive-skinned, pal. No, I'm like, I have a ginger beard. Yeah, you do. You do get a little gingery

in your beard. So I'm like part ginger. When I first met you, I feel like your hair was even lighter for some reason. You've gotten darker, which is weird. Yeah. And I'm starting to get a few grays in here. It's gonna keep going, dude. I'm okay. You're gonna get grayed out. I'm okay being a silver few grays in here. It's going to keep going, dude. I'm okay. You're going to get grayed out. I'm okay being a silver fox.

I think dwarves, when they go gray, we look more magical. Right. But you still have three wishes out of you guys, right? Yeah. It's still just three. You don't get bonus wishes as the grays come in. But we just look like we know more. If a dwarf with gray hair came up to you and was like,

look behind the tree in your backyard, you would run to that fucking tree. I'd run to the tree. You'd be like, I'm taking a chainsaw to that tree. I'm finding candy. My hope would be some of his other friends were back there working on something for me. You know? Building something magical. In a little workshop? If we find out time travel is real, dwarves are doing it.

I know for a fact that little people are working on time travel. Thousand percent. There's just no doubt in my mind. And we're not telling you. You think it's the Chinese. No. It's the dwarves. Well, what about a Chinese dwarf?

Are there any? My daughter. Oh, that's right. She's a Chinese. Oh, my God. Yeah. My daughter's a Chinese dwarf. Dude, that's got to be.

And like actual. I didn't rent one. No, no. He made one. He made one. I made one. He made one's a Chinese dwarf. Dude, that's gotta be... And like actual, I didn't rent one, you know. No, no, he made one, he made one, he made one. I made one. He made one. I'm dwarf, my wife is Chinese, we made an Asian dwarf baby. But is she half Chinese or full Chinese? She's half, so we got a quarter Chinese baby.

She's half Chinese and half what? Deadbeat dad. Oh, yeah, yeah. Runaway, she's runaway, yeah, runaway. One of those. Milk dad. Yeah, so we have a quarter Chinese dwarf child, which is just like, everyone's like, all right, you got to save it for college.

I'm like- College? No, I don't. No. Quarter Chinese female dwarf. She's on the brochure. That's a brochure, baby. She's getting them on.

I'm already getting the offers. Stanford, Harvard, bring it on. See? The problem is, even if she's an idiot, they'll let her in because they want that profile. Yes. So she's never going to have to do anything for the rest of her life. No. She's going to get jobs.

She's going to get the best jobs. Dude, okay, so I've thought about this, and this is a joke that my wife has told me I am not allowed to say in the act. Well, let it rip. Never said anything about podcasting, though. Yeah. So here we go. Here's the thing.

Asian dwarf baby, right? Asian dwarf female baby. If I'm the best father in the world, she changes the world. She introduces something, invents something, is just a pinnacle of intelligence and everything like that. If I'm the worst father in the world, we get the most revolutionary porn star of all time. I like that joke.

It's a great joke. I think it's a great joke. Do not put that in the universe. I'm like, dude, I just found out. First of all, you're a great dad, so it's never going to happen. That's the joke. I'm around. Yes, you're a very present father. I'm a good dad.

I walk her to school. We played for two hours this morning. How long is that walk? It's two and a half blocks, but for us. That's forever. Yeah. That's a long walk. Did you ever play Candyland as a kid?

We pack a Sherpa. Did you ever play Candyland as a kid and go, this is me. This is me. This is my walk. This is my walk. Every time I walk. You know how in the Billie Jean video, like, the squares lit up? Lit up, yeah.

It's just like that, but with dwarves, it's just candy just flying out of the tiles. It just flies out. It's great. I think that joke is fantastic, and I love your wife. She's wonderful, but also she doesn't know what she's talking about. That's a great joke. That has to go in the special. I think it's going in.

Like, it's not going in the special that's currently out. Yeah, go get it right now, by the way. On Veeps. V-E- now by the way. On Veeps. V-E-E-P-S. Veeps. Like the show Veep with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, except Veeps plural with an S. Veeps. Is it veeps.com? Yes, veeps.com slash Brad Williams. They have a bunch of concerts there

and comedy specials. David Cross has one there. I'm up there. And you don't have to subscribe. You just go. You pick out what you want. You watch it. It's free. The special's not free. But, I mean, it's up there.

Yes. I mean, you don't have to subscribe to Veeps. No. No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. You just pick it out. You buy my special. Because I wanted to bet on myself.

You should. I wanted to bet on myself and say, you know what? There's enough people out there that want to see a dwarf tell jokes. Oh, my God. Do they ever. Look at this right now. Let me see Veeps. Go to veeps.com slash Brad Williams.

See, they got Alicia Keys concert, Kings of Leon, David Cross. Some band called Dirty Honey. I'm sure they're great. The Postal Service, very good. And then I'm there somewhere. Brad Williams, there he is. There it is, Starfish.

Starfish is the name of a stand-up comedy special available right now. Why Starfish, buddy? Because that's the move I do when my wife makes me sleep on the couch and I'm like, no big deal.

Dwarf couch. That shit's still a king-size bed. Right, that's actually true. And then I just hop on straight Starfish. Oh, that's cute. I'm just spreading out.

People think it's a joke about the anus. Yeah, well, chocolate Starfish is what the anus is commonly referred to. Thanks, Limp Bizkit. Now my special is associated with butt-fucking.

You could just say thanks, Limp Bizkit, for everything that they've done. Thank you, Fred Durst, for everything that you've done for the community. Yes, and we released a special on December 21st. Why did we choose that date, Andrew Santino? Because that's the first day of... That's the winter solstice. It's winter solstice. The shortest day

of the year. Is it really? Yeah. That's so funny. Marketing! That's really smart, actually. Look at that! That's the winter solstice. Winter solstice. The shortest day of the year. Is it really? Yeah. That's so funny. Marketing! That's really smart, actually. Look at that! That's smart. Every winter solstice, you're gonna think of Brad Williams. But let's go back for a little bit, because you got a little bit of seasonal depression, speaking of winter. A little bit. Do you really? You getting low lately? Yeah. You know, everyone's going through it. I just

had a conversation with my buddy about this. We had a, I can't say who, but just a friend in our business who's going through it. Like he's just a piece low and i was like top i think yeah so i don't leak my shit i'm sorry no it's just a just an old good friend of mine that and he was just going through it and i said i think everyone's going through some shit it's tough because even if things are going well in life yeah for people it's weird because it's family time holiday travel it's overwhelming the new Year's coming. You feel all these weighted things that you

kind of don't take into consideration. No, and my dad had seasonal depression as well pretty badly. I even bought him one of those lights that's like a fake sun. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're supposed to just sit in front of it. They sell it to people in Alaska. Yeah.

And stuff like that. He never used it because it involved an on and off switch. Dad's not going to use that shit. But it's nice that you got it. I tried. Where was he? In Denver? He grew up somewhat in Denver and LA, Texas. He was all over the place. Thankfully, always in the home. I'm going through a little bit, but I'm trying to surround myself with things that make me happy.

One, my daughter, she's always great. She laughs. Got a 90-pound pit bull. That's cool. Yeah, bigger than you. Yeah, way, way bigger than me. The photos are hilarious of you with that dog. People always ask me, they're like,

are you afraid ever when you're out on the road by yourself? I'm like, I sleep next to a 90-pound pit bull and a wife with multiple black belts. I sleep great, and I'm not fearing in that scenario. Both of those people, my dog and my wife, if they decide to kill me, nothing I could do. Yeah, it's over for you.

Nothing I could do. But who cares? Whatever, it's been a good run. Hell of a run. A few comedy specials, a few nice dinners with you. Yeah. That's a good... We got some more nice dinners coming up, by the way. We got a few nice dinners with you. Yeah. It's a good... We got some more nice dinners coming up, by the way.

We got some more nice dinners. We were lacking pretty hard. Yeah. We usually do a boys dinner every... Once a month or so. I would say, yeah, it's every couple of months. And everyone's been traveling so much, which brings me to my next question to you, truly, is everyone's touring constantly, nonstop.

Are you touring again? Are you starting right up in the new year? I have New Year's Eve 2024 booked. Yuck. What are you doing this New Year's Eve? Where are you going to be this New Year's Eve? This New Year's Eve, I had the first New Year's Eve off in my entire career.

Good for you. I got a couple days before. I'm at Cobb's in San Francisco. And then we start the theater tour, baby. And then January 6th, it starts off. Great date for our people. I was going to say, that's one of my favorite. I know where I'll be this year, January 6th.

Dude, storm it. Storm it. And we'll see there. Use promo code WHISKEY if you're going to be storming the Capitol this year. Sure. You're going to get yourself 40% off hats and shirts. But yeah, we're doing theaters this year.

So go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. You can see the whole tour. And we're doing different countries. We haven't announced those dates yet, but we're going. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Australia. And yeah, it's like all year long.

When are you going to Australia? It'll be in the... I don't know if it's called the fall there. Is the fall there? No, it's not. The fall there is like. It's like summer. Yeah, it's a flipped. Yeah, it's like flipped.

Yeah. So I don't know, like September, October. Good shit. About that time. So I'm stoked. I'm stoked to be doing the tour. But yeah, come see me now because 2025, not going. You're done, huh?

You're going to be. Yeah, you say that. Fuck that. You'll go back out. Everyone's like, I'm taking time down. And then we never do. Because we all come from that mentality where we were doing open mics and traveling. Like, I once drove like four hours to make like 50 bucks.

Four hours? Dude, I drove to Montana. Montana? And I lost money. Because I drove there, I got a speeding ticket on the way there and a speeding ticket on the way home. Fuck, I lost money. We all have stories like that. Yeah, it's dirty.

So when someone calls you up and says, hey, do you want to go to this place and you want to do this for, and then they show you the check, you're like, I can't say no to that. Well, it's work, and we worked so hard to get work, so it's hard to say no to work when your whole life was working to get work. Yeah. It's a weird system that we've kind of embedded ourself in and i thought about that the other night when i was leaving the store of like uh working out new shit you know it's almost like you're like you guys are watching me make it build the thing yeah and then by the time i'm done building things sometimes you're so tired that someone's like Do you want to showcase the thing?

You're like, not really It took me so long to build that model I'm so exhausted Just put that Lego in the closet I'm fine I'll pull it out at some point Yeah Now, are you the guy where like

Because this is starting to happen to me Where people watch a special And then they'll write me and go Hey, I saw you last year Same material As the special you're like oh right yeah that's what i was doing with that i was building that hour yeah when oh see i know what you're saying right when you're touring it like say you're touring it now and then the special comes out the end of the year and they watch the special and they're like i already saw

that you're like right you saw me making it yeah you saw me make the model and then you were surprised when the model came out also i'm sure it wasn't identical that's what i would say because stuff always changes and also uh this new tour will be different uh a different hour than the special that was like so you just went through that with cheeseburger yeah were you just like trying to get material just throwing shit at the wall and just seeing what worked yeah i mean dude i now i've got mean, I've got a ton more time now that I'll probably shoot in the summer maybe. But I want another six months to work it all out. Yeah. But it's tough, dude.

That's the hardest, like just the, because you've pushed the boulder up the mountain. It's there. You make the special. Yeah. You're like, I fucking did it. And then they go like, hey, all that work that you put in for the special, now the hard part. Yeah, it's there you make the special yeah you're like i fucking did it and then they go like hey all that work that you put in for the special now the hard part yeah it's gone because now you gotta go on tour you guys yeah and you need a new hour right you gotta start all over buddy no i know but it's

hard because you're trying out like you're trying to push as much new shit as you can while you're working out other stuff yeah and it's a weird balance i think america's pretty privy to it comedy fans in particular, I think they're well aware of what the process is like now. Yeah. You know, and I think I've had people say

that it's fun to watch you build the thing. Like, Brennan was helping me build something the other night, and I said, you know, I had this idea about retweeting the N-word. Like, is it,

like, am I, So not quote tweeting. Right. So you never typed it. retweeting the N-word. Like, is it... Am I... So not quote tweeting. So you never typed it. No, I just retweeted it. I hit the retweet button. Right. Because I thought if I hit the heart, that's condescending, you know?

I have to put it back out of the... But we compiled it. That's how it started. And then Fahim and I went to go eat and we were talking about it. And then by the end of the third set i had changed the intro and said one of my favorite rappers yeah read uh my favorite rapper tweeted this quote of his and had the n-word in it and i retweeted it i don't know how to feel about it yeah do you guys think i'm gonna get in trouble

and people kind of murmur and mumble in the end i, I just go, I don't know, man. I really like Jack Harlow. What can I do? But it built as the night went on. The first set, it was different. Second set, it was different. That's the fun part. Yeah. So I think some fans really like to watch that happen.

Some people are like, what the fuck, man? I watched you do that on a thing. It's like, look, dude, when we build it and we put it on the special and we're done, we're done. But we also have to keep making new pieces. We're not like a band. I thought about that the other night. You write one song, some of these bands, and they're good for a decade.

Yeah. It's like, no, dude, I have to write a thousand fucking jokes over ten years. A thousand jokes. What I wouldn't give, the only one who ever did it was Burt Kreischer for a while. Just going like, nope, I'm doing the machine story I think the only other person that had one joke that took off as hard as it did was Angela Johnson that joke went viral before

viral was a real thing in the comedy clip page space that thing I think it accumulated at one point somebody told me over 50 million views everyone's seen the joke and they want her to do it hey i tell people like if you come to my show and you're like i wanted to hear the urinal bit i'm like

fucking yell it out oh you like that i don't give a oh so don't yell at my shows i'm gonna i'm opposite of brad yell at yell no don't yell at my shows tell him to do the entire cheeseburger special word for word i don't remember any of because you in that weird too i don't remember any of it when you do, it's just like you. It's gone. You were doing it every night of your life. Yeah. For years.

And then all of a sudden you put it out there and you're like, all right. Yeah, you can't. Well, it's kind of like you get to wash yourself clean of it a little bit. That's what's really nice. It kind of, like, you get to, like, clap your hands. You're all good to go. Yeah. Like, I feel like that's what I liked about putting something out.

I don't know how quickly I'm going to put out another one, but how many is this for you? Five? This will be two are on Amazon Prime right now. One's on Netflix. This is four. Four? Yeah. How many do you think you'll do?

Do you think you'll keep doing them until your career is done or no? See, that's the thing is I'm not fascinated with being done, but I fantasize about being done. Oh, that's interesting. And just saying, I'm good. What's your retirement plan? I just bought a mushroom. It's big enough to hold my whole family. Doing stick.

Doing stick, Andrew. Dude, I fantasize about being a cruise ship comic. I do. Really? I do. That's why. I mean, you can be that if you'd like. It's there. As long as they let me be dirty. Well, no, that they don't let you do. You gotta be clean on those things. I know. And that part sucks. But maybe Dirty Dwarf

is kind of like a sell. I mean, just with the alliteration. Yeah, Dirty Dwarf. Dirty Dwarf. You guys going to see the Dirty Dwarf tonight? Yeah. Piling on food on their plate. Did you see Dirty Dwarf. Dirty Dwarf. You guys going to see the Dirty Dwarf tonight? Yeah. They're fucking piling on food on their plate. Did you see Dirty Dwarf on the third tier? He's so good. So like, all right. So have you ever done a cruise?

Have you ever played comedy on a cruise? I've never played one and I've never been on a cruise. Okay. I have a thing. Do you not like water? Do you not swim? No, I love boats. Okay. I don't love cru No, I love boats. Okay.

I don't love cruises because of the people. Okay. Well, I just get anxiety around like if it's a massive group of people, like a festival. Yeah. I don't really like those because I get nervous. I get it. And then if I can't leave, that's like my fucking panic attack. So a cruise is like if I get high anxiety around a lot of people and it's like I can't fucking leave yeah that would give me the creeps okay so it's a phobia so you're waiting

for jeff besos to have his luminati meeting on a yacht and say cheeto here here's your cabin on the billionaire yacht yeah here i'll go on that yeah you can helicopter off of it yeah oh okay so that's what you're into I've done a few cruises I do one every year I just can't I get so anxious I mean I've been offered Burt I think

Well I couldn't do it Because we were on tour But the few times I've been offered To do the cruises I just I get panic attacks man Dude

I do one every year I do the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at Sea Shut the fuck up Do you really? Yeah every year Chris Jericho Throws a cruise ship party sea. Shut the fuck up. Do you really? Yeah, every year. Chris Jericho throws a cruise ship party?

Yes. It's wrestling. It's metal. They wrestle on the boat. They wrestle on the boat. It's amazing. See, this is actually interesting to me. This is better than just a carnival cruise.

This is way better. Right. Yeah. Chris Jericho is rocking fucking. Yeah, look at that shit. That's nuts. It's that boat It's the same boat that Burt actually took out for his cruise

It's the same fully loaded boat or whatever Yeah look at that thing That's fucking wild There's a wrestling ring in the middle of the boat There's heavy metal concerts There's stand up comedy How many people go on this? How many people are on this?

I don't know How many people do you feel too how many people are on this anything oh i don't know but how many people do you feel like you're performing for on any given night uh about like i do two theater shows and that's about i think it's like 600 each okay that theater i don't know but it it's awesome man i love it and people like yeah but you can't leave your cabin because you get mobbed dude the wrestling fans are cool as shit. Like, I walk around and everyone just is really cool. They're buying me drinks. Last, you

can look up this video. Last cruise, I actually got to get in the ring and give a stone cold stunner to that son of a bitch Hornswoggle. Wait, you got to, they let you participate in the wrestling yeah were you dry you dressed up uh no no well they're like yeah they they looked at me like do you have any gear

and i'm like gear yeah gear you think i came to play i came to do shows no i came to do comedy there's no gear for comedy that's the best part about it you gave you gave a stone cold sonar to who hornswoggle hornswog. He's a dwarf wrestler. Oh, shit. Yeah, and I don't know if you know this, but like- I mean, I definitely don't. Whatever it is, I don't. You can find the video. I give Swoggle the Stone Cold Stunner, and just like when Sonic gets hit, all the rings

pop out. Yes. That's what happened. All his gold just flew out. Now, do you get to collect his gold? That's the rules. Right. Once one dwarf drops a gold, another one is-

Yep. So if a dwarf drops a piece of gold, he's not allowed to pick it gold? That's the rules. Right. Once one dwarf drops a gold, another one is there. So if a dwarf drops a piece of gold, he's not allowed to pick it up. Somebody else has to get it. Then you have to wait for another dwarf to get it. That's like that movie, that Justin Timberlake movie where you take time from other people. What was that? Oh, yeah.

Timeless or limitless? What? In time. That was called In Time? It was called In Time. I feel like there's no fucking way that was the name of that movie. In Time. In Time. That was the name of the movie. You're correct In Time. That was the name of the movie.

You're correct. Look at that. Look at that. Cillian Murphy. Cillian Murphy just... Johnny Galecki. He fucking... You know what's so funny about these guys that have had hit after hit after hit after

working their whole life? Because he worked as a kid. Yep. He was on Roseanne. Yeah, he was on Roseanne. Big Bang Theory. Big Bang Theory. I mean, come on.

Huh? Yeah, Christmas Vacation wasanne, Big Bang Theory. I mean, come on. Huh? Yeah, Christmas Vacation was rusty. Just keeps coming with the hits. He's been working so much since he was a kid. I thought about that the other day when I saw the new TV show for, what's the kid's name? John Cryer from Two and a Half Men, you know? Yeah. It was like he cashed all those checks and now he's got another hit network television show.

I don't know if it's a hit yet, but you think about that, you're like, dude, fucking save some room for later, Augustus. Give it a fuck. Let someone else do it. You already did it. I'm always fascinated with comics like Gabriel, Sebastian, Bert, where I'm just like,

if I had one year like that where I made, let's be honest, then Forbes comes out with the list, so this isn't like hidden knowledge. They make between $20 and $40 million a year. Those guys make a lot of money. Yeah. If I had one year like that, you're not seeing me. You say

that, dude, but your wife is Chinese. They spend money, dude. Nah, but she'd be buying property and jewelry. She's like the frugal Chinese. Frugal Chinese? Yeah, frugal Chinese, which sounds like a really good thing on the menu. I was just going to say, how good is the frugal Chinese? It's a new special.

Oh, okay, good. But yeah, man. I wouldn't be done, but I would just be. Well, then tell me what it is. You said in your retirement plan, in your perfect vision in your mind, what's Brad's retirement plan? Oh, my perfect vision is that I'm essentially Argus, and I just go up at the comedy store all the time.

That's it. So you're kind of retired, but you just kind of, and I just go up to the comedy store all the time. That's it. So you're kind of retired, but you just kind of pop in when you feel like it. Yeah, do the creative. And then, like, if there's some cool gigs, like, okay, I want to go see the Broncos play. Great. Let's pay for it. Do a show, like, near there. You know, a couple gigs in Hawaii.

Oh, this was great. I did Hawaii last year. You played the Blue Note? Yeah. Yeah. And I'm doing it again this year. And I take the family. We go to the Disney Resort there. Oh, yeah. Awani. Oh, this kid. She can never complain for anything. I was just going to say, you're spoiling her, perhaps. I'm absolutely spoiling her. Do you keep her caged up at home at all or anything like that? You let her run wild? It's a short leash. It's a very short leash. Literally a leash. It's an actual leash. Yeah. Now, the dog, he can up at home at all or anything like that? You let it run wild. It's a short leash. Yeah. It's a very short leash. Literally a leash. It's an actual leash.

Yeah. Now, the dog, he can go around. He's proven himself. Well, yeah. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. He's fine. The kid, you know.

You got to house break that kid, dude. The problem is that my wife was like, I might put up a baby gate over the stairs. I'm like, no, you won't. Because then that's a Brad gate, too. Yeah, it's a Brad gate. But that's maybe what she wants. I'm pretty sure. A little bit of peace around the house. I'm like, no, you won't. Because then that's a Bradgate, too. Yeah, it's a Bradgate. But that's maybe what she wants. I'm pretty sure. A little bit of peace around the house.

Yeah. Yeah, that's how I know that we had a big fight that day. It's like, is it come home or just the baby gate in front of the bedroom door? I'm like, motherfucker. I can't get in. I got to learn how to pole vault, Andrew. Dude, I mean, you're athletic. We can get it done.

Yeah. I'm sure we can. Yeah. So you just want to just chill out. just go pop in once in a while. Yeah. Take it easy. Yeah. That's my dream.

So everyone buy the special on Veebs. Yeah, please buy it so he can retire. So I can just retire, spend time with the kid, you know, and watch her do cool stuff. Is this one of one for you, or are you going to have another one? You guys done. You're good. Yeah, that's good. One's enough, right? It's the law of diminishing returns, my friend. Right. Well, or are you going to have another one? You guys done. You're good. Yeah, that's good. One's enough, right?

It's the law of diminishing returns, my friend. Right. Well, you're not going to get anything back from that, unless she cures cancer or some shit. Which she might. Yeah. I don't know. Asian dwarf baby. Do dwarfs get cancer as much as we do? You'd think that God would be like,

okay. Yeah, let's not give them cancer. You got enough. Dwarf. Yeah, let's not give him cancer. You got a dwarf with cancer. I just figured you're lower to the ground. You don't breathe all the air that we breathe as high up as we are. Oh, yeah, we never got COVID. How many dwarves have cancer? The cancer-free dwarves of Ecuador.

How one man's youthful rebellion may unlock a cure for cancer. So the secret to cancer is in little people? Well, it's got to be. I mean, I imagine if we drink your blood, there's got to be something that does nice for us. Someone's going to come with like a keg tap and just start like tapping little people. Tapping little people? Yeah. Can you imagine when you donate blood and there's just glitter in the vial?

And they're like, wow, I had no idea. It comes out looking like the mojo from Austin Powers. Yeah. It's like purple and pink and you're just like, wow, I had no idea. It comes out looking like the mojo from Austin Powers. Yeah. It's like purple and pink, and you're just like, oh, shit. That's right. We could kill cancer. Yeah, we could kill cancer. We just get the blood.

Ooh, this is nice. Your little cockney accent. This is Michael Caine. Michael Caine. Because he was in Austin Powers. This is really good. Isn't it okay, Michael Caine? Yeah.

It's very easy. You sound like a baby doing it, though. It sounds like a little... It's a baby. It's basically a baby with a four-pack-a-day habit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A cochlear baby with a four-pack-a-day habit. Network, God, now I almost slipped into Jason Statham.

Because, like, so Michael Caine, he's up here, right? It's not like you have fucking shit in your mouth. That's the secret. My cocaine. Okay, all right. Here's how you do. This is an old joke. It's not mine.

This is how you do a Michael Caine impression. Say the words my. My. Say the words cocaine. Cocaine. Put them together. My cocaine. There you go.

My cocaine. My cocaine. It's got to be more my cocaine. The internet is sure that I use Adderall and or cocaine. My cocaine. It's got to be my cocaine. The internet is sure that I use Adderall and or cocaine. The internet constantly is like, Adderall Santino, add it again. You know what's so fucking- That's a fun one to play like, what drugs are those celebrities on? Well, you know what the funny thing is?

I've literally never taken Adderall once in my entire life. I've never tried cocaine. I've never tried Adderall. You and I both. Isn't that wild? I've never taken an Adderall pill. Never once. Let's do it right now on this podcast. I kind of want to try Adderall. in my entire life. I've never tried cocaine. I've never tried Adderall. You and I both. Isn't that wild? I've never taken an Adderall pill. Alright, let's do it right now on this podcast. Bring in the pile. I kind of want to try Adderall

because people always say how they love it. People fucking love it. But also, I'm already a booze bag. I don't need another vice. I have my shit. Yeah, same with me. I'm always scared I'll really like it. Ari Shaffir has been trying to get me to do mushrooms for as long as I've known that man.

I do like mushrooms. I've never done them. Really? I've never done mushrooms. I'm worried of like I go to a place and then I can't come back. That's what I'm scared of. I'm a little worried of doing mushrooms with you. I mean, yeah, because what do I morph into at that point?

No, not morph. It's just I need to get all the secrets out of you by the way he knows i know he knows this is why god did this right now he put us together because he's going to tell me all the things i need to hear this is why he has all the answers hell he doesn't even get cancer ari will ari will uh ari will convince you to get into some trouble he's very good at that yeah yeah he Yeah, he was talking to me one time this is back at the store and then Brian Simpson heard him say that he wanted to get me to do Mushrooms

and Simpson came in like, okay Brad, no, I've got you. And he just like, he had like flow charts like he was like really into it. So many comics just wanted to get me to do drugs. It used to be when I was younger everyone would just try to get me drunk. It is fun to get you drunk. It is fun to get you drunk, though. It is fun.

You are a funny drunk. And the N-words are so cute when I say them. Okay. We'll be right back. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, I got a lot of subscriptions, okay? Far too many. I don't want to name all of them, but you know you're subscribed to all that stuff.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash whiskey. That's rocketmoney.com slash whiskey. Rocketmoney.com, I think you heard it, but just in case, it's slash whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Often I have talked about Squarespace because they're the place if you're creating a site. I've created my first couple of sites using them, then I hired other people to do it because they're smarter than me, and I'm an idiot, and I don't have the time to do it, quite frankly. But if you are creating your own site on your own,

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You are very fun to get drunk because you, the way you hobble wobble and bounce around, it's just, dude. Yeah. It's like those, you know those balloons that you'd punch? You know those like pound balloons you'd punch and they wobble? Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down. Yeah, that's right.

You never fell. Low center of gravity. Don't fall, but man, do I get close. Man, you wobble, but they don't fall down. Yeah, that's right. You never fell. Low center of gravity. Don't fall. But man, do I get close. Man, you wobble, dude. Do I get close. People just watch me like that screensaver where the square is going around the corner. You're like, it's going to hit the corner. It's going to hit the corner. It never does.

See, I'm like, Brad's going to fall. Brad's going to fall. But you don't ever fall. I've never seen you fall down. Even when I've gotten really tanked with you, I've never seen you really like. No. Big ass. Anchor. Yeah, that ass is so thick. That's why. When you got a tuchus like that, you, I've never seen you really like... No. Big ass, anchor.

Yeah, that ass is so thick. That's why. When you got a tuchus like that, you're never going to... It's not going to... And even if I fall, who cares? You bounce right back up. Yeah. It's like a darn balloon, that thing. It's crazy.

It is a big puffer. For people at home, there's got to be pictures of it on the internet. I mean, this thing is like a fucking shelf. I can start an OnlyFans. Why wouldn't you? Between my ass and my feet, I can make some money and never have to actually get naked. Yeah, dwarf ass and foot? Yeah.

Dwarf ass foot? Go to OnlyFans.com slash... There it is. There's my dumper. Guy's got a big shitter. You know what's so funny is you could actually start an OnlyFans and be very successful and not have to show anything nude. No.

Okay, so I have really disgusting feet. I have a hobbit foot. I got hair coming on the top. Do you have hair on the top of your foot? Yeah, on my toes, but it's not excessive. It's just a little bit. Yeah, I got a hairy top of the foot. You have a Sasquatch foot?

Yeah. Holy shit. It's a very small Sasquatch foot. Yeah. Well, you're not a hairy guy, though. Are you really? I got hairy-ish. But look at your arms. Yeah, but that's not that bad, but I got hairy-ish.

You got hairy-ish. I got a hairy back. Hairy back. It's not. I got hairy feet. You got little hairy feet? There's got to be a fetish for that. Somebody loves that shit.

All right. You know what? This is what we're going to do right now. Oh you know what this is what we're gonna do right now this is what we're gonna do right now we're gonna break the damn internet Andrew and now I'm gonna this is how nice little ad for Haynes this is how

that's not that bad that's not that bad but then I got these little raptor toes you do have such little tiny feet look at those unbelievably tiny little feet. This is why

I'm wearing the Skechers. It's really hard for me to find the good shoes that don't have cartoon characters on them. I get it. Do you want to put your shoe back on now? I don't want to throw up on the show. I'm feeling very free right now. They are freaking me out, I'm not going to lie. Something about them is tripping me out.

I don't even know what it is. No, don't do it! Get out of here! Brad, get out of here! Brad, get out of here! That is so funny, man, that your feet don't look like they're your feet. You know when you're super fucked up and you look at your hand and you're like, whose hand is that?

Whose hand is that? Yeah, no. My foot looks like that. It's just like my foot looks like whatever is attached to it is definitely going to make you solve a riddle. Yes. Like that's. Yeah. Are you good at anything like that?

At crosswords? Or are you good at Wheel of Fortune? Oh, you know what? I'm addicted to this thing now. Immaculate grid. Are you good at anything like that? At crosswords? Are you good at Wheel of Fortune? I'm addicted to this thing now. Immaculate Grid. Do you play Immaculate Grid? Immaculate Grid? Immaculate Grid.

Okay. I never heard of this in my entire life. It's a cell phone game? It's an iPhone game? I do it for football. So you do it for baseball. It started off with baseball. So you do it for football. Okay started off with baseball. But yeah, so you do it for football.

Okay, so here's a grid right here. So the top left square, you have to find a player that played for the Patriots and the Bills. Okay. And then you put that person in. But you only get nine guesses, and you've got to get all those right. So this is like, what's that game called? This is like the word game that people, Wordle or whatever. Yeah. This is like the Wordle for sports.

Yes. That's kind of cool. So for Raiders and Bills, you could do Marshawn Lynch. Right. So he played for both. But now you can't use Marshawn Lynch again anywhere else. Ah. And you only get nine guesses.

And do you solve the Immaculate grid every time? No, but it's just fun. That's what I do every day. This is kind of keeping your brain fresh? Yeah. Does it tell you when you're wrong? Yes. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah, so I do it for football but they have it for NBA.

NBA, in my opinion, is really easy because it's just Vince Carter every time. Yeah, it is. They do plays for like every team. Ten teams. Well, also, NBA, no one has a loyalty to a city anymore. They all play. Yeah.

I mean, LeBron's played for what, four teams? Three. How many teams? Three? No. Well, yeah, he did Cleveland twice. Right. I guess that doesn't matter.

That's still the same one. Yeah, but then you got guys like James Harden that's just with a new team every year Yeah, it's crazy I like doing football It's a little bit more challenging Yeah, and then you go deep dive where you see that little percentage right above Marshawn Lynch's name

38%, that's how many people got it correct? That's how many people chose Marshawn Lynch Oh, cool Of the people that got it correct that's how many people chose marshawn lynch oh cool of the people that got it correct that's how many people chose marshawn lynch wow that's why so you try to get your number really low to where like if you if you can find an offensive tackle that like played for both teams you're like fuck yeah that's really hard to do yeah but if you're that kind of guy you're that kind of guy yeah so you're a denver broncos fan though aren't you? Yeah. Bummer. I mean, dude, I'm a Bears fan. I'm not bragging.

No, it's a bummer. We're coming back. Well, you've got Mr. Unlimited. Mr. Unlimited. Maybe one of the most embarrassing videos I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. Mr. Unlimited. Mr. Unlimited, for people that don't know, it's the head quarterback of the Denver Broncos. The head quarterback.

The head quarterback is the best way to say it. Because he's not what he used to be. No. Russell Wilson did a whole thing called Mr say it. Because he's not what he used to be. No. Russell Wilson did a whole thing called Mr. Unlimited where he was doing a promo video. He wanted an alter ego. And he was like, I'm Mr. Unlimited. It might be the most uncomfortable video I've ever seen in my entire life. Here we go.

Everybody has to have an alter ego, right? And I've been thinking about what my alter ego would be. And I think I have an alter ego. His name's Mr. Unlimited. You've got to be unlimited. Turn it off before I throw up. an alter ego. His name's Mr. Unlimited. You've got to be unlimited. Turn it off before I throw up. Turn it off. I mean, dude, it makes me nauseous.

It's so fucking uncomfortable. It's insane. One of my favorite things. Mr. Unlimited. There's no way. I can't believe he recorded that and then was like, fuck it. Yeah, I'm putting it out. By the way, I love it when people just say a statement like it's just a just an easy fact when you're like no and like politicians do it

all the time they just create the problem that doesn't exist so they can solve it but right there is a prime example where he goes everyone needs an alter ego right no no what no one does no nobody does no one needs an alter ego what are you doing yeah you're good and he just says that like yeah everyone just goes around and has these alter egos. Tiger Woods had one too. His was like called Big Daddy T. Yeah, but that one

I'm okay with. The guy stormed through fucking every Waffle House employee in the United States. Yeah. Big Daddy T wears like a Raiders Santa hat or something like that. I don't know why. I do like Big Daddy T as a nickname.

I'm not going to lie. Big Daddy T. There he is. Damn. So that's his Christmas persona. Big Daddy T. It is kind of crazy that this guy was a fuck machine. I mean.

You know what I mean? Like this guy was a fuck machine. He's such like, I mean, like, this guy was a fuck machine. He sucked like a sweet nerd from the public eye. Yeah. You would never be like, that guy's not a fuck machine. And he didn't have, like,

social interaction as a kid. Like, he just was on the golf course, like, all the time. I don't know if you saw the Tiger Woods documentary. Oh, yeah, it was dark. Yeah, it was dark, man. You're like, oh, yeah,

I get how this guy got, like, when he's, like, asking Michael Jordan, like, how do you talk to women? And Michael Jordan goes, well, first of all, dark man you're like oh yeah i get how this guy got like when he's he's like asking michael jordan like how do you talk to women and and michael jordan goes well first of all you say hi i'm tiger woods yeah that kind of does everything like that kind of helps yeah just a little bit that's a not that's a nice status point to reach where you just walk up someone be like hi i'm your name i'm tiger woods and then that and they go, yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

What's the tallest woman you've ever dated, Brad? Oh, 5'11". 5'11", she was a volleyball player at USC. 5'11"? Yeah, and I'm 4'4". So how does this even happen? How does this happen? How does this happen? How does a 5'11 girl is like i love my

short kings but i love my so if a short king you can't be a short king what are you no because like that's i i hate that term short king because like you have like five foot five guys being like i'm a short king it's like you're a foot taller than me you're a fucking taller. That's like that's like when like the like Kate like Kate Upton will be like oh I feel so fat. Oh right.

You're like fuck you. Fuck you. Like if you're fat what's like Say it. Go ahead. Mama June. I thought you were

going to go down like Lizzo or something. I thought that's what you were going to do. So I was like Ah Lizzo. That's the go to one. That was kind of

like a little bit of one. Yeah yeah yeah. Well it's a little easier. I'm not being mean. It was right there. That's right there. I thought that's what you were going to do. I was like... Ah, Lizzo. That's the go-to one. That was kind of like a little bit of a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's a little easier. I'm not being mean. It was right there. That's right there. I mean, what the fuck? And plus, Mama June lost the weight anyway.

She did an old mommy makeover. Who the fuck is Mama June? Am I insane? Mama June Carter? Honey Boo Boo's mom? Oh, sure. Right. Honey Boo Boo.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the greatest cultural icons of our time. Yeah. She lost a ton of weight Yeah she got a mommy makeover That's not the same fucking woman How much weight did she lose?

She did surgeries What's the other one called? Ozempic She's on Ozempic On the Oz So to me that's what it's like when short kings are like Oh I'm a short king. I'm 5'5".

I'm like, what? You can still do everything. Pants are in your size. You're not a short king. But although someone was talking to me about this the other day where it's like, they said, Brad, you have the advantage. Because a 5'4 guy, they're just tiny. Yeah, tiny guys. They're just tiny.

It just looks like they didn't try hard enough. Well, it's not their fault, Brad. I know it's not. Jesus Christ. But that's what they look like. But then me, it's like, oh, no, he's got a condition. There's a reason why he's that small. Right.

You're a gift. Yes. And it comes all the way around from being bad to all the way around the circle and comes back to being good again. It's good again. Yeah, so it's like, I had that. But I'll say this, though. Short king is a weird term because who was the tallest king? I bet you kings were all that size.

Okay. So when you go short king. Tallest king. Who was the tallest king? Xerxes, according to the 300, which is a completely accurate movie. So he's my size. 6'1"? Who was the tallest king?

I'd love to know who was the tallest king. There's nobody that's accurate. Yeah. How? How not? The Bible's still around. What the fuck do you know, McCall? Yeah, exactly.

I mean, the term of foot. The tallest measured British monarch was Edward the, what is that, 6th? One minus four, soall? Yeah, exactly. I mean, the term of foot... The tallest measured British monarch was Edward the... What is that? Sixth? One minus four, so... No, fourth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whose skeleton measures six feet four inches. Records indicate that when fully clad in armor, he would have been about six foot seven, an exceptional height for

any man, especially at that time. That's fucking dope, my dude. By the way, that's terrifying. A guy coming at you six foot", armor. That's so cool. I would love to know who's the shortest king. It's not Napoleon. Who's the original short king?

Yeah, because everyone thinks Napoleon was short. He wasn't actually that short. No, he was 5'5", right? Shortest height king. 5'4", see? See? Charles I. Yeah, there you go.

He's 5'4". 5'4". That's a foot taller than me. That's the shortest king. That is a short king, though. A foot there you go. He's 5'4". 5'4". That's a foot taller than me. That's the shortest king. That is a short king, though. A foot taller than me. I'm not a short king. You're not. It's something completely different. We need a new term.

Big Dick Magoo. No. What was the one we sent for the cruise ship? The Dirty Dwarf. The Dirty Dwarf. I do like the Dirty Dwarf. I don't like the connotations of that. Yeah, the Dirty Dwarf. No, no, you know what I mean. The shortest British monarch in adulthood was Queen Victoria. She was five feet tall.

Five feet tall. Still, six, seven inches. Seven inches taller than me. God, dude, both Edward Longshanks, what a name, and Richard the Lionheart were over six feet. Edward Longshanks. They were the ugliest fucking people. They fucked so many of their family members, they just looked so misshapen.

But they still had height. They got that jaw, though. They got that inliest fucking people. They fucked so many of their family members, they just looked so misshapen. But they still had height. They got that jaw, though. They got that inbred jaw. Yeah, inbred jaw. Yeah, it always looks like an English bulldog. Yes, you come full like this. Like everyone inbred is going to be named Nigel. Nigel.

Oh, you're going to do great in England. Do all this stuff in England. Give me an inbred name, Nigel. Yeah, what's. You're going to do great in England. Do all this stuff in England. Give me an inbred name. Nigel. Yeah. What's the most inbred name? Cletus. Cletus is probably a pretty common inbred name.

What's the most inbred name? This Google history. America's inbred family. How the FBI hasn't just descended into this room based on this Google history. Everything we're searching is stuff that's already been searched. That's very true. That's what's funny. When you search something like that, you're like, well, somebody already looked at it. Yeah. The Whitakers.

The most inbred family. Look at this. This is great. The extremely inbred family. This is as depicted in the video. From West Virginia? What? Get out of town. No. Oh, yeah. Soft White Underbelly did a whole thing about them. I've seen this. What? Get out of town. No. Oh, yeah. Soft White Underbelly did a whole thing about them.

I've seen this. Yeah, it's pretty sad. I think Bob and I have talked about this on Bad Friends, these people. Okay. It's a most inbred family. It's crazy. Most of them can't even speak or communicate. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, that's the Hills Have Eyes. Oh, no. Oh, that's the hills have eyes. Oh, no. Yeah, it's wild. That is, oh, my God. And the wild shit is. And they just keep doing that. Yeah, you gotta.

Once you start, you can't stop, I guess. It's like Pringles. Inbreeding, it's like Pringles. Once you start, you can't stop. It is kind of fucking absurd that that's a real thing. Oh, man. Can you imagine when they finally made inbreeding illegal? You know what I mean?

Like, for years, it wasn't against the law. Yeah, it was just fine. And then finally, somebody was like, okay, enough. Enough. This is enough. We can't do this. Yeah. When did it become illegal?

When did they make it illegal? What year? Well, I'm sure it's like states' rights. It's fine. Wait, did federal government abolish the prohibition in 2010? Arguing the few cases where a person is convicted of incest, three since 1984. Wait, so it's been abolished now? You just googled the legality of incest.

Why are they not descending on this room? Why is Chris Hansen not just opening your door right now and be like, have a seat? Sit down, can I talk to you for a second? We have your laptop here. Have a donut. The best part is I make him bring his laptop to the show instead of mine, which is great. We used to use mine, now I'm like, nah, bring in yours. Nah, bring in yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is kind of absurd

to think about that, though. It took him so long to be like, okay. This is a bad thing. Cut it out. It still varies by state. It still varies by state. That's disgusting. So some states, it's still legal? So you just look at your sister and be like, all right. Ukraine, it's legal in Ukraine. And that's why we should stop funding these people. They're just promoting it while they got it.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. We're giving these people money? They're fucking their sisters. They got to make more soldiers to fight Russia. That's why they're doing it. Thailand, it's legal. Not surprised. South Korea, not surprised.

You ever fucking hung out with Bobby Lee for 15 minutes? Bobby. And his brother get along really well. Dude. That is absurd how many countries it's not illegal. That's fucking insane to me. We're just like, wow, you do you. It's like, well, you kind of are. Yeah, you are.

Yeah, you do you. That's where the phrase comes from. You do you. You do you is's where the phrase comes from you do you you do you is for incest you don't have etymology of all these phrasings i saw on the internet this morning somebody told me there's phrases that we use colloquially but they're racist and we don't even know it sure someone said there's one the tipping point you know and like when something's that is tipping point right do you know what this is in reference to this could be bullshit okay but somebody said the tipping point etymology was when um well this says in the condom the term tipping point became sometimes with white flight right okay this is what i was literally gonna say this is funny it means when when enough uh minorities had moved into a

neighborhood it was the tipping point of percentages where people would leave the community and i was like that can't be true but it fucking is right there middle of the 20th century the turn tipping point begins to announce with white flight neighbors started to started to uh desegregate white people reached a tipping point when they would think there were too many black people present in our community fuck that's real so i saw on the internet this morning i thought how many people use the term tipping point in a business room setting yeah you know what i mean I mean? And you say it so passively. So casually.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like a racist. It doesn't sound like it comes from something racist. No. To me, it just sounds like you're on a scale. I think breaking point. Tipping and breaking to me seems like the same. Seems like the same thing. No, but we can't use it anymore.

No more. What's breaking point from? I don't know. I'm at my breaking point. That can't be. I feel like if you look. Etymology. I feel like if you look at the

history of just about anything it's gonna come back with some racist it's coming back bad well yeah you know for sure when for sure when something is like uh you know when it's something sounds uh you know when someone's like um la-di-da you're like that's gotta be fucking you know what i mean when anything is sing-songy it's gotta be racist well racist. Well, la-di-da. It's like, that was what they called mentally handicapped people. La-di-das are over there. Yeah, fucking la-di-das. Look at all these fucking la-di-das outside, chewing on their shoes. Yeah, that's what's so funny.

You know all these sing-songy things for sure came from something negative. There's so many. And then, as a white person, we know that if you look back into the family long enough. Not me, dude. Not you. Maybe you. Well, yeah, my mom's from Georgia, so. Yeah, maybe you, pal.

Not us. Dude, my mom moved from Georgia. Don't throw me in your pool. What? It's a kiddie pool. It's fine. It is a kiddie pool. Yeah, it's the only one I can touch the ground.

Yeah, it's funny. That's the only one I can touch the ground. Dude, I went to a holiday party with my daughter and my nephew, and they had all this stuff for kids. They had all the bounce houses and stuff. Sure. I was the only adult going in there. Shut the fuck up. You went in.

I have a video on my phone of me going down the slide. I climbed up. I wanted to race my nephew. Yeah. So I'm going up there, and I'm going down the slide i climbed up i wanted to race my nephew yeah i'm going up there and i'm going down the slide did you win and uh no my nephew's god he's good he's got skills he's gonna be a he's gonna be something that kid but uh yeah but you saw the other dads just like looking at me like son of a bitch like well everybody wishes they could do it yeah you we outgrow it like the ball pits that used to be at McDonald's. Yeah.

If somebody saw you in there, it's like he's a grown man, but he looks like he's having fun. Yeah. And I feel like I should just let him jump in the ball pit a few times. Yeah. The sign just says have to be below this thing. A certain height. That's right. They don't say have to be below 14 years old or whatever the hell thing is.

So I'm just popping in. It's great. Cake walk. I do know. I've talked about this. Yeah, no. What's cake walk? Why can't I use cake?

No, no. This is actually, I've talked about this on this show before. Oh, no. Black slaves would mock the way that white people danced. I've talked about this on this show. Oh. Yeah, because they would have these dinner parties and the cake walk would, it's actually not racist. It's the opposite. Is it black people making fun of white people danced. I've talked about this on this show. Oh. Yeah, because they would have these dinner parties and the cakewalk would...

It's actually not racist. It's the opposite. Is it black people making fun of white people? Yes, exactly. Making fun of... Well, that's okay then. Right. Cakewalk is actually the opposite.

It's actually funny. Oh my... Dude... They would mock the way that white people would dance after... When cake and tea were being served and dancing would start, they would mock the way the whites danced.

Oof. Which I gotta tell ya, all for it. That's funny. That's just fucking good old-fashioned punching up. You know what I mean? That's good old-fashioned punching up. Dude, okay. I'm surprised Tarantino hasn't made a movie called Cakewalk.

Oh, that was his last one. It is funny. You look back, you're like, this guy is obsessed with racism. He finds a way to say the N-word. In every movie. Every movie. Yeah, every movie. every he just hides behind it's the art man hey man it's art like well i mean and also he's notoriously in defeat as well so he's probably watching that video that he's probably watching this podcast looking at your fucking yeah look at the foot like i could put him in a film a little door i can make that foot walk across cookies oh my god

just squishing the chocolate chips in between you know what cookies you'd be walking over I can make that foot walk across cookies. Oh, my God. Just squishing the chocolate chips in between. You know what cookies you'd be walking over. Oh, yeah. Something the Keebler Owls. Keebler. Yeah, Keebler Owls. Fudge Shop, baby. Fudge Shop, baby.

Fudge Shop, baby. Oh, my God. That's going to be my only fan. It's just my hobbit foot squishing Keebler cookies. Just getting chocolate all over them. Making feet so disgusting. Brad, here's the one thing I'll say about you. We've known each other for so long. And whenever we do go out to dinner, I am shocked, stunned, impressed of how much you

can fucking eat. Yeah. Like, every single time I'm always like in my mind rudely i'm like brent's gonna eat half of that he's not gonna eat that fucking whole thing oh you'll get a 32 ounce steak i throw it down and fucking eat it and also have the fucking seafood tower yes and salad soup yes four fucking alcoholic drinks yes dessert yes i'mert I'm like dude this guy I put it down It's crazy dude

Here's the thing you get to experience As a little person that's very cool Is you get to experience Anytime I accomplish something There's always an average sized person next to me Like motherfucker I just make them feel like shit Like okay so I fly a lot next to me like, motherfucker. I just make them feel like shit.

Okay, so I fly a lot. So oftentimes I try to stay brand loyal. I get the upgrade. They throw me up the first class and I get the upgrade. I love it. Not because of my experience. I love just sitting there and watching everyone board the plane and look at me in a first-class seat with all the wasted room that I'm not using and just sitting there like, what will I do? What will I do?

When the flight attendant comes down, does she try to tuck you in the overhead or no? You're like, no, no, no. Please put the dwarf sideways. Yes. Put him vertical like a book. Yes. Vertical like the book. Heels first.

Heels first. Wheels and heels first, please. You got to turn them. Yeah. That's my favorite part about getting upgraded. You're in first class. You know what's funnier? You in those fucking, the lay flat seats. Like when you know the global lay flat seats.

Oh, the global lay flat seats. That's a bed. That's a fucking twin bed for you. It's a bed. It goes out. I throw like my bag down by my feet. I got room. It's a bed. That's a fucking twin bed for you. It goes out. I throw my bag down by my feet. I got room. It's like another storage facility for me down there. Oh my god.

If you go to my car right now, because I have the pedal extenders that go up. Oh yeah, I remember the first time I saw that when we first knew each other. And I was like, you gotta let me look in the car. I go, dude, you gotta let me see how the pedals come out. I gotta see what they look like. Yeah.

So like the pedals go up. So oftentimes I use that bottom area storage. I just throw shit down there. Yeah, because what, I mean, well, also be careful if something gets stuck under the brake. That has happened. Oh, Brad. I've had some. I've had some.

And cars don't have e-brakes anymore. No. They're all digital now. They're all like. Where's the fucking button? I miss an old fucking e-brake. Yeah, dude. Just just a yank we used to yank that on my first car my friends would do that we were driving which is not good not good but it was fun as fuck to do that oh my god break still it's gotta see i'm i'm sure one car one guy that was like and it was like an engineer was having a

was driving down the road having a fight with his wife and she just grabbed the e-brake it was like an engineer, was driving down the road, having a fight with his wife, and she just grabbed the e-brake and was like, fuck this, and yanked it. He's like, no, we're getting rid of these things. That's right. Never again. Never again. It's going to be a button on the far left side, way far away from you. It's funny.

My car, now it's not even a button. It's a, it's like in the program. It's an Alexa command?lexa save my life it is fucking crazy that you can't visit the shit oh it's a oh shit break my dad used to say the oh shit break but like now if there's an oh shit moment you can't even fucking do that for safety isn't that weird to think there's no because if you push the digital button of your e-brake now while you're driving i guarantee guarantee you it wouldn't activate. No, it's like some sort of lock system where it's like, well, yeah, but we have the sensors that will sense if...

Yeah, fucking right. Yeah. Yeah, fucking right. I'm not... I don't get behind any of that. Like, all my friends that have Teslas and all that stuff that are like, oh, dude, the self-driving, I'm like, no fucking way. I just... If I die at the hands of the wheel, I want to be responsible. That's me. I don't want the machine to kill me on accident because it forgot to fucking whatever.

No thanks. I don't fear death. I fear a death where right before I die, I go, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. Like, just this is how it goes. Well, like, you remember when you were a kid and you were, like, either, like, skateboarding or rollerblading on a bike or, like, something with wheels? And you know the moment you hit something and you're about to fall and your brain goes damn it like that that feeling of like fuck this is gonna hurt yeah that that's that that's you can't you don't want to die like that no we're like the

last thing is you know where i'm like yeah i got this new e-bike i don't have to wear a helmet yeah then as soon as i hit the thing like right before my brains get scattered over the paper i'm just like god damn it you know and here's the thing i think about constantly is and i'm giving your i'm giving your listeners viewers i'm giving you guys all permission whenever i go in whatever the social media is twitter x whatever is popular who cares yeah let it fly Let it fly. What do you mean? Make fun of you. Make fun. Oh, yeah, shit on you.

I know that that's going to happen. No matter what happens to me, no matter how I go, like, if I... I'm already thinking of a few right now. Yeah, like, if I die in a car accident, someone's going to post a video of, like, a micromachine running into a shoe. Or, like, something like... Here's footage of Brad's car. Like, that's going to happen. I know it's going to happen.

Okay. Now, yeah, so many are going through my head right now. I mean. Do it. But, well, bless you. He's three feet down. He's three feet down on the ground. A shallow grave, just a regular grave for you.

Just a regular grave. And I saved so much money on the coffin. He was digging a shallow grave for his dwarf victims. Yeah, covered him up pretty good. Man. I don't want you to die anytime soon, so please don't will that into the universe. Neither do I. Stay alive, will you?

I got it. I got an Asian dwarf baby to raise. And an Asian baby to raise. Yeah. Yeah. And also- I'm not going to let? I got it. I got an Asian dwarf baby to raise. And an Asian baby to raise. Yeah, yeah. And also... I'm not going to let the internet do it. For the 50th time... Yes.

People, please watch the special. Yeah. Go to Veeps. Support comics who are making their own content. We had a conversation off camera before this about all these big streamers and Netflix and Amazon and all this stuff. And I think what's tough these days is there's so much noise that we're trying on our own now to self-produce like you're doing.

Yeah. So we can have a little bit of like a rose coming through the concrete a little bit. It's trying to separate yourself because it's super hard. It's so saturated right now. Yeah. And how often do you get mistaken for Matt Reif? I forgot to ask that up top.

You guys are kind of the same guy. Dude, all the time. All the time, right? With these cheekbones. Oh, my God. Can you imagine someone going to your live show and they're like, what? I thought that was Matt Rife. It's a fucking dwarf.

By the flyer, I thought it was Matt Rife. I thought it happens so often. It's really annoying. It's funny how his name has become so embedded in the comedy culture now particularly for kids like his age like the young the young kids know him the most i've been a comedian for 20 years yeah no never in my life as a comic have more family and friends asked about reached out to me about getting tickets for anybody than Matt Rife. That's wild.

They're just calling me like, so do you like know Matt? Like all the time. And yes, I know him. There's actually a video right now. It's out. I did a Dr. Phil. Oh, you did the Dr. Phil with Adam and him? Yeah.

Oh, that's right. So I'm a disgruntled elf. Is there any other kind? No, actually, there's not. And I'm sitting next to Matt Rife. As we're recording, I don't know if it's out, but we did it. That was a good time with you and Dr. Phil, huh? Yeah.

It's out? It'll be out right now. By the time this is out, it'll be out. Yes, exactly. And that was so much fun. Your guys was fun. I watched yours. Bobby and I had a great time.

It was so much fun. You did horrible things to Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, well, dude, what yours. Bobby and I had a great time. You did horrible things to Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, well, dude, you know, what are you going to do? He's there. Went in Rome. Gotta take advantage of that kid. That's half of the whole fun, you know? There he is, dancing around. There's cute little Brad

dancing around as usual. Oh, and then as soon as the show ended, right now we're looking at the end, there's like balloons falling. There were girls rushing the stage. To go say hi to Matt. Yeah, to just rushing the stage. Well, it takes off some of the onus on you because all the girls that rush your stage. It's kind of nice they're finally rushing his stage.

Thank God. They're finally, you know, because now you have the real Matt Rife there. the old joke that uh kat williams had where everyone uh everyone thinks the chrysler is a rolls royce phantom until a rolls royce phantom pulls up that's right that's yeah that's you and matt right yeah everyone thinks i'm matt rife until matt rife pulls up you're like oh not a dwarf ah right yes yes that's matt rife you know i feel like if we say his name enough times in the podcast it gets into the algorithm, and then it'll like... Right, that's right.

Yeah, so we just got to say Matt Rife a ton, and then we got to say things like, how about that Taylor Swift? There it is. That's very smart as well. Hit episode. Right. It's going to be on all of them. Yeah, you got to embed all the words that you know are going to be clickbaity.

Yeah. Like trans rights, that's got to be in there. Sure. San Francisco, for some reason is always trending always that fucking city is uh is on fire and i think no one's gonna do anything about it it's kind of nice for the first time for la to be like the uh lesser of the two evils yeah we're like oh we're we're not that bad we're good yeah that's pretty cool yeah i mean yeah we we have our unhoused you know whatever, going off on fentanyl.

Yeah, whatever. Not like them. Not like them. We're in a better mood. We're fine. We have more sun. Yeah, way more. We have way more sun.

Do me a huge favor again. Please go watch Brad's new special on Veeps. Yes, sir. We'll put the link in the description down below. And we end the show the same way. I love you. Thank you for coming. All right, hold on. Happy holidays. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's in the description down below. And we end the show the same way. I love you. Thank you for coming. All right, hold on.

Happy holidays. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's when the cameras are off. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera right there and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready,

this is going to be embedded in history for the rest of time. So whenever you're ready, go ahead. Hamster nipples. In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.