Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Brad Williams

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

Santino sits down with comedian Brad Williams to chat about the greatest bit he's ever done in Montreal JFL, having a baby and leaving his podcast About Last Night because his co-host Adam Ray verbally and physically abuses him. Also, Santino tries to get Brad to admit that he's actually 6'3" and the short legs thing is all an illusion / bit. FOLLOW BRAD: https://www.instagram.com/bradwilliamscomic/?hl=en https://www.bradwilliamscomedy.com FOLLOW CHEETO: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/?hl=en TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com/ STAND UP DATES NOV 8-9 NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE NOV 10 HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA NOV 15-16 SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA NOV 21-23 INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA DECEMBER 6-7 BREA, CALIFORNIA JAN 9-11 EDMONTON, AB, CANADA JAN 16-18 DENVER, COLORADO FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER PODCAST ON INSTA https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ GET SOME SLEEP WITH THE BEST COMFORTER EVER https://buffy.co USE PROMO CODE "WHISKEY" FOR $20 OFF!!! STEP YOUR COMFY GAME UP https://mackweldon.com USE PROMO CODE "WHISKEY" FOR 20% OFF!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today is Mr. Brad Williams. Cheers, Brad. Hey, cheers. Clink. You have to have a whiskey when you're on the Whiskey Ginger podcast. Dude, I agree. So many people don't want to have them, but we like to have one.

I'm having some Eagle Rare, which is in my beautiful decanter there. Brad is having himself some Long Branch, which is quite delicious. You said before you're not a rye guy. Not a rye guy. I like the Angel's Envy rye. Tastes like heaven to me. Oh, yeah, it's good.

But every other rye just feels like a kick in the balls, which if you want to have a kick in the balls. Some people like kicking the balls. Some guys are into that. You know Steve-O, right? I think that's his thing, right? I'm finding out. How deep have you dove into Pornhub?

I'll make it make sense. Wait a minute, wait a minute. As in like have I not just looked at pornography and I've looked at other things on Pornhub? Yeah, like have you really looked into the weird porn that's on there? I don't know, man. I don't know what you mean by weird porn. I've looked at, there was a comedian,

I wish I remember who it was. Somebody put their comedy special on there and I thought that was one of the funniest things ever. You have to search it. I don't know who it was, but somebody put a comedy special on there and now I'm trying to rack my brain. That's so amazing.

But it made me laugh so hard. I was like, that's such a my brain. That's so amazing. But it made me laugh so hard. I was like, that's such a clever idea. That's so great. But tell me, what depth did I need to dive to to find out what you're going to dive into? Well, because when we talk about some people like a kick in the balls, you can go on to Pornhub and find videos of dudes just getting kicked in the balls. You can find... Are they hard for this?

The one that I saw was not he was soft getting getting kicked in the balls i don't i never understood that because i've seen i've seen those videos before yeah people are getting just like just i mean murdered yeah like you watch these women are kicking like pro football player i've been in a radio i've been doing morning radio where they were interviewing a porn star and a guy came in, got naked on air and the girl kicked him as hard

as she could with heels on. Nope, nope, pass. Right in the balls and it made him excited. Nope, gross. That's disgusting. What damage happened as a child? Did your father just pull on your nuts when you were a kid? What could you do? And now you mutilating my balls

makes me remember that daddy somehow loved me in a weird, fucked up way. Daddy did not love you, by the way. If daddy did that to you, he didn't love you. Well, and my thing with the strange porn categories is like, hey, I'm not, like, you do you. If it doesn't hurt anybody, I don't care. Sure, whatever. But at the same time, my question is like, hey, I'm not, like, you do you. If it doesn't hurt anybody, I don't care. Sure, whatever.

But at the same time, my question is always, how did you get into that? How did you find out that you like that? How did it start? Well, how about this? How do you get into strange categories? You fall down weird rabbit holes when you're looking at Pornhub sometimes.

Like, you know, I never thought I liked anime or animated stuff. Yeah. I just never cared. Right. And then I watched a few of them on like a whim. You know? Yeah.

Dude, they get you on the whims when it's like, you know what I mean? They get one animated thing and you're like, is that Lois Griffin? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. What's it like if Brian fucks Lois? Yeah, I'm going to find out. Is that a thing?

I'm going to find out. Okay, let's see. And then why am I masturbating to this right now? I clicked and I love it. I clicked and I love it. I clicked and I love it. There's a compilation I saw of a thing called Overwatch. Do you know what Overwatch is? That's a video game.

Yeah, it's a game. They do like, I think there's a ton, what I've seen on there is a ton of porn from Overwatch. Now, I'm not into like that kind of thing. The anime thing was like the Japanese thing. There's something about it that was sexy, but it's not my thing. My problem is i get

lost in the idea of comedy like i start to think comedically yeah because we can't shut this off so when the ad pops up like it's about to be halloween so when like an ad pops up and it's like a werewolf like fucking a chick you're like we see the comedy of that. I can't not laugh. Not the... Some guy is like, whoa. That's it. Some guy walks out and goes, finally. They're speaking to me. They know what I like. Yeah.

See, and that's why there's a few things in my life I don't try because I'm scared I'll like it. Ooh, like what? What are you talking about? Like pegging. You're afraid that you might be totally into it. Yeah. But wait, what's wrong with that then? I don't know.

Nothing. Because what if my wife hates doing that? Right, well then you would just get somebody else to peg you. Yeah. Not cheating then. Yeah, no. You won't do it, honey. If you're not going to peg me, babe, I'm going to find someone that will.

then yeah no you won't do it honey if you're not gonna peg me babe i'm gonna find someone that will like yeah there there's there's there's a few things like that that i go i don't think i should even try this because if i like it well then now that's my thing yeah i really like it you know what i mean like like have you um have you ever have you uh you never smoked cigarettes did you no never never tried one once right never tried. Yeah. I think you might like it. Yes. That's a thing you probably would like. My dad just took up smoking at age 75. Dude, I love your father.

He took up smoking. Your father is such a G. Dude, everything I've seen of your father, this guy is like a cool, old, smooth cat. Yep. And then he picks up cigarettes now because he figures, I'm on my last dance. Why the fuck not? Look, if it's the last dance, are you not going to do the robot, dog? Go out like a boss.

The man beat cancer. He can do whatever he wants now. What kind did he have? He had skin cancer. That's nuts. Yeah. And it got, like, because. It got bad?

It got bad. And, like, sometimes, because you find out with a lot of cancers that sometimes it's like, oh, I go, I drink this thing, or I do one treatment, or they burn it off, or they take it off. Or dig it out. I've seen that. That's wild as shit.

Yeah, he's had that done a few times. But then it came to him very aggressively, and it was like, no, we can't just dig this out. So he had to go do the whole chemo, radiation. And yeah, so here's this story. So he was going through the first round of chemo and it was really, really hard on him. I mean, as chemo is, it's fucking poison

that you're putting into your body to kill cancer. So he's doing it and he's going in for a test. And we know that the results of this test we find out does he have to do more chemo or which is

almost like, not a death sentence, but like, now we're just chucking Hail Marys at this point. Well, the more chemo you go through, inevitably the more pain you're going to be in. It exacerbates things. I'm not in town. I'm at the Denver Comedy Works, the South Club. The suburb one.

I've never been to the South Club. I've only been downtown. I'm back in the green room and I've been watching my phone all day because I know that this is the time, this is the time. In between masturbating in the hotel, you are watching your phone. And then all of a sudden,

this is the first show on a Friday. The phone rings while I'm backstage in the green room and I see mom is on the caller ID and I'm like, well, this is the call. Okay. So I'm like kind of gear myself up and I answer it and my mom just says,

doesn't say hi, doesn't say anything, just goes, he's in remission. And I'm just, I fall on the ground. I'm openly weeping. Yeah. Just crying my eyes out. And you hear hear ladies and gentlemen please welcome brad williams and i'm like like i'm trying to like drastically like wipe off my

eyes there's there are other comics back there that just saw me get a phone call about and fall to the ground crying they don't know what's happening. They think I just got the worst news in the world. They're like, Brad got AIDS. I told you. I told you. It was a matter of time. We knew it. It was a matter of time.

Yeah, someone will win some pool if I get AIDS. Someone will be like, yeah! Like the fucking Doug Stanhope death pool. Yeah, there's a Brad Williams AIDS pool. There's a Brad Williams AIDS pool. Guys, can we start one, please? Because really, it's about time. And if not, I'm just going to pitch that sitcom brad brad williams aids pool this year this month on cbs will he or

won't he get a from chuck lori uh so uh yeah so you get you have to get on stage do you address it on stage yeah because it's obvious oh yeah like i like my eyes are just like welted up and uh like my eyes are just like welted up and I kind of improved that set and I talked about it and I hadn't been talking about my dad fighting cancer you had never mentioned it on stage?

no it was too close I was going through it so then that set I got the recording of it and that set eventually became my second Showtime special called Daddy Issues. Oh, wow. Where I talk about it near the end.

Stuff I did that night ended up going in this – I mean, obviously refined after a few months, but that became the special. Wow, dude. Yeah. That's fucking wild. It was nuts. And then I had to look at the other comics and be like, no, no. Dad is in remission from – it's fine. Yeah, they just think that I just got the worst phone call ever.

Plus these people don't know the terminology, right? Like benign. You don't know malignant, benign. You don't know what these things mean. Right. And they all sound bad, by the way. Someone did a joke of like – I don't know if it was you. Someone did a joke where like,

they need to fix the language of STD results because it's like you call, you're like, the results are positive. You're like, oh, positive. Great. You're like, no, that means you have it. Positive means you got it. The positive result will be if you were negative.

No, I don't want to be negative. No, that's not me, but that's a good joke. I see that. Someone did a joke about that. That's very true about a lot of these things. Now my dad, he's beaten cancer once. He's like, fuck it. He started smoking.

My mom's trying to stop him. I'm like, mom, let him fly. Let him fly free. Do whatever he wants to do. He's 74? He literally turns 75 on Wednesday. You earned it, dude. Yeah.

You earned it, dude. Do your thing, man. You got two grandkids. Dude, I've always said it like this. I think we all do life backwards. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? I think we like work super hard and then you retire and then you're bored and sad.

That happens a lot to people. I feel like you just party as hard as you can. This is what I think the future should be. Party as hard as you can until you're 60 and then you start working. I bet you'd live longer, for real. I bet you'd live for like 100 years. Right, because now you have purpose.

Yeah, because before that, I got all my chaos out of the way, my drinking, my traveling, my party. I feel like you should be given money for the job that you're going to do in your 60s just think about it like that you have the job lined up, you have to do it I guess if you die, you die

yeah, because right now I guess the life structure is you work you have a childhood then you start kicking in hopefully at high school then you work in college, and then you have to work your tail off because you're making no money.

Get a real job where you're making shit. Yeah. Getting pummeled by society, the lowest rung, the most abused, the most overworked. And then around 45, you're like, ooh, I have some money now. Yeah. Now I'm going to do stuff. Things start to level out. Then you start to travel more.

But by that time, you have 15 more years of pain within a job that you can't stand or 20 for that matter right? yeah and then at 65 you retire like I'm feeling this with my parents that's the thing I see about my old man

that's weird to me is like he worked like a dog tirelessly for so long for people that the one thing he was always proud of he's always like dude you and your comic buddies man it's unbelievable

you guys no boss I mean sometimes we have a boss but it's like for the most part it's like you work for yourself you do what you have to do you don't answer on anybody and that's the beauty

because for years of answering to people I saw what it did to him his loyalty was never rewarded ever and I mean it my dad got fired I think I talked about it before my father got fired

before he could ever get his like pension or whatever the retirement plan or whatever what am I thinking yeah his pension from the company yeah pension yeah they fired him

before he could ever get to that point. And they probably did it on purpose too. Of course they do. Of course they do. To think that corporations give a shit about us is insane. They don't. But my dad was loyal to this company

for a long time. A family-owned company. Turtle Wax, by the way. I'll mention it. I don't care. Fuck Turtle Wax. Hey, fuck Turtle Wax. Fuck Turtle Wax.

If you're going to buy any kind of car wash, please buy Meguiar's. Yeah. Buy Armor All do not buy turtle wax I will go to the grave saying that because they did my dad so wrong

my father worked for this company tirelessly he was a good employee he was a great dude he was so loyal loyalty is lost I saw it be proof through him so it made me feel better even if I had

bad years, like when I was out here and I had a couple of bad years you know when you have some bad shitty you're not making good money you're struggling I was like this is better than any good year working for some schmuck that doesn't like me who can fire you at any point at any second, you mean nothing to him

it's so weird I don't know if it was somebody brought this up at the store at the store the other night yeah we're like a guy like louis ck does what he does what he does and now we're like he's banned from comedy relatively relative i know what you mean yeah but then he's um he's in a naughty corner yeah but then a guy like jeremy piven uh gets banned from acting, so then he does comedy. I was talking about this. That was you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was me, you, and Burr, and Norman. Yeah, I was saying how crazy that guy gets kicked out of his industry because of something that one of our legends in our industry got kicked out of, and he came into ours because of it and won from it. I don't get it, dude dude and here's the thing uh this is not me this is not me backing back tracking uh i'm not here to bury guys like jeremy pivott i don't really give a fuck about him but i also think that thing that idea of that frustrates me to no end oh dude you know what i watched uh

this is a good parallel um you know who stand up batman is on twitter yes okay i follow i i follow stand up so funny i love stand up if you don't follow stand up batman on twitter you should very very funny it's someone at the store and no one knows who there's a few of us that have an idea okay because i have guesses yeah yeah and i tried to out the person that i thought it was and it wasn't it wasn't okay all right well how about this either way either way yeah either way stand up batman is an anonymous used account from that I thought it was. And it wasn't? It wasn't. Okay. All right. Well, how about this? Either way. We'll talk afterward. Either way. Yeah. Either way.

Stand Up Batman is an anonymous used account from somebody that they talk about comedy. And they made a really good point because SNL premiered. And Woody Harrelson made Shane Gillis jokes. I mean, he made jokes about what you can and can't say. Right. And then, of course,

the cold open was undoubtedly Alec Baldwin doing Trump because that's what they always that's what they've done for the past two years straight and stand up Batman had a great tweet that was like good to know that SNL fired dirtbags like Shane Gillis but leave good people like Alec Baldwin and then he puts the article where Alec Baldwin called that photographer a

cock sucking fag or whatever he said. There's no rules. No, no, no. It's picky choosy. Whoever they decide to bury, that's who they go after and they bury. That's the same as your point. Jeremy got bucked out of

Hollywood because of his behavior, but for some reason he doesn't get any of that beef in comedy he just floats by the wayside ridiculous so they pick and choose Alec Baldwin the guy who's had so many public incidents of blowing up on people and being an asshole

he's not canceled and by the way not saying he should be just saying like if you're going to make a rule – Make a rule. Stick to the rule. Yeah. There was a great story I found out recently.

So ESPN College Game Day. You're familiar with it. Most popular college pregame show in the nation. Of course, yeah. College Game Day is great. There's a guy that holds up a sign, as many people do, behind the nation. Of course, yeah. College game day is great. There's a guy that holds up a sign, as many people do, behind the reporters. It says something along the lines of

I need beer money, here's my GoFundMe. Oh, wow. So he ends up raising thousands of dollars. People go and they donate money to this guy. That's awesome. He donates it all to charity. Gives it all to charity. Oh, gives it all away? Gives it all to charity. Oh, it all away? Gives it all to charity.

Some reporter goes, hmm, a kid giving a lot of money to charity? I got to investigate this. Looks back into this kid's tweets. Finds some tweets he made when he was 16 that have some slurs in it. How old is he at this point? In his 20s?

He's in college, so whatever that is. 20, 21 Yeah I need to look into the story Young 20s A little more Sure Calls him out and says Hey stop supporting this kid

He's not a great guy This is what he did He's trying to cancel him for He just donated a fuck ton of money to charity Which he did not have to do No he could have just kept the money Could have just kept it and said Thank you

And they tried To get people to stop donating To the kid that's Donating his money So then Stop giving to a guy that's giving. Yeah. And then the best part is that people

saw that and went, oh. And then looked into the reporter's tweets. Hey, this is getting good. Found some homophobic slurs in his tweets years ago. They're like, well now you should be canceled. And I'm just sitting back going, yes! It's happening.

Let them all eat each other. Let it just go around in a circle. Let everyone eat themselves alive. That's the problem. Dude, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Absolutely. I'm not a biblical person, but if any phrase I've ever been like, wow, that's a legit ass thing to say.

Yeah, you think you're perfect? Okay, man, let's check your shit let's go through all your bullshit and find out how clean you really are yeah i was talking dude i was talking to my wife about it today you know i was having a moment today about i was just having a tough time with some stuff and i don't want to get into it but we were having a really intimate conversation i know a one-on-one you and i have the same problem dicks are just too big it's just too big where can we put them? We hurt our wives. They're crying every morning.

Pain. The pain. I don't want to hurt her, but then we have to have a sex life. Well, what do you want me to do? I know. What do you want me to do? It's crazy. Dick's too big.

And that's why we go to the meetings on Tuesdays. Hashtag dick's too big. We had a serious conversation about this whole idea, this world of like everyone eating each other alive, trying to bury each other. For what though? For what gain? What does it do?

Because guess what? The older I get, the more I learn, everybody. And I mean it, dude. I mean everybody listening, everybody watching, everybody has issues as deep as the ocean. Like nobody is exempt. I've never met one person who's flawless. I've never met one person who like,

no, it seems to be all clicking and nothing is wrong. And by the way, if that is the perception, it's bullshit. It's bullshit. We're also very, very flawed. It's so funny. I would think that Conan O'Brien is one of the most well-adjusted, perfect people on the planet. And then I listened to his podcast with Stern,

and they broke down the performer's brain and how much anxiety Conan has and how even with all the money and the show and everything, still fucked up. And I'm just like, wow, so none of us are immune. None of us. And that's not just people inside our business. We're privy to that because of where we sit because of what we do. But dude,

that's every, as my dad would say, every Tom, Dick, and Harry. You know that's an old phrase, every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry down there. Now it would be like every Aiden. Every Aiden.

Every Hermione. Every Bryson. Every Bryson. Every Aiden. And every Carpaccio. There's always some weird way you're like, every fucking name you can think of. But yeah, every Tom, Dick, and Harry has an issue.

My father used to say that my dad was my YMCA basketball coach, and he would yell, he would say stuff, and it was hard for me to not make fun of my father. Also, it's my dad, and so I would get in the most trouble because he wanted to discipline me the hardest in front of the team. It wasn't like, oh, your dad, it's a freebie. Oh, no, dude. Way harder to play for your father.

Way more judgmental, way more critical way way angry at your the car ride home from practices are awful well that because he can he can kill you it continues yeah it never ends most dads aren't there for the practices they just go i was practiced no he was there no he was there he was there and he would and he would and he would call me out of my bullshit yeah it's like you were running half-ass you were doing those down and backs so half-ass you shouldn't play you shouldn't play next week oh that stuff hits home but he would say but he would say tom dick and harry uh and i i had to make jokes he used to set me up to win he would use these old phrases like that and it's like you think i'm not gonna you think i'm not gonna say tom is tom's dick harry you think i'm not gonna say that to my buds are you out of your

mind you just gave that to me like yeah yeah come on man that's my wheelhouse kid yeah you're entering the dragon bro it's like in every action movie they're still using over my dead body and you're like you think the guy's not gonna have a comeback for over my dead body so he's not gonna have a oh well you said it okay as you want as you wish anything like that when you for over my dead body so easy he's not gonna have a oh well you said it okay as you want as you wish anything like that when you hear over my dead body in an action film it's like uh when lebron has a breakaway and you're like well get ready when you see you're just like waiting for the action to happen yeah by the way are you do you like basketball side side note yeah do you this What's happening in Los Angeles?

Is this the craziest thing you've ever seen in your entire life? I'm so excited. Granted, I want the Clippers to suck because I'm a diehard Lakers fan. They're not going to suck, though. I know, and that's so depressing. They're going to be pretty good this year, bud. I think they're going to be great. Watching Kawhi Leonard and Paul George play together

might be cooler than watching AD and LeBron play. Oh, yeah. I just think it might be cooler than watching AD and LeBron play. Oh, yeah. I just think it might be cooler. I think it is because Paul George and Kawhi are also friends who wanted to play together. Right, right, they asked for it. You know what I mean?

They orchestrated it. Not necessarily because AD and LeBron have the same agent and he kind of... AD and LeBron is more like a Coca-Cola move. It's more like Coca-Cola could organize that, and Kawhi Leonard and Paul George seems like it'd be like RC Cola. You know what I mean?

It's out of left field. It could be good. I don't know. Jolt, remember Jolt Cola? Yeah. Is cola not enough caffeine for you? Is coffee not doing it? We got both.

We got both. We have a solution. Dude, that's yeah. They're like the, they're like the underdog. They're like the A&W root beer. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's why I think, I think a lot of Los Angelinos that have been loyal to Clipper Nation are

finally getting some payback. It's been too hard for them to sit in the Lakers world, even though the Lakers have had some just super subpar seasons. Abominable years. It just doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. The legacy is still so thick. And it's funny because on the day we're recording this,

at the Rams game, which was today at the Coliseum, they played the Bucs, got blown out. They introduced Kawhi and Paul George at Los Angeles Coliseum. Oh, wow. They were booed. Really? Yeah. Damn.

According to Rich Eisen. Isn't Kawhi Leonard from L.A.? I think so, yeah. Isn't he an L.A. kid?. Isn't Kawhi Leonard from L.A.? I think so, yeah. Isn't he an L.A. kid? Yeah. I feel like he's from L.A. What an awful thing to do to somebody. And so is Paul George.

He is? Oh. Because he wanted to play with the Lakers. For some reason, I think Paul George is. I think they both. For some reason, I think they both. I could be wrong. We'll be corrected on.

We could Google it. We'll be corrected on social media. They'll kill us. Yeah, they'll be like, cancel culture. He said Paul George doesn't deserve to work. That's Reddit. Reddit will have our ass. Yeah, according to Rich Eisen's tweet, he said they were booed.

They were booed? Yeah. Meanwhile, when you go to the Rams game and you see Danny Trejo on the sidelines, Danny Trejo gets more attention than half of the teams. People lose their minds. People love Danny Trejo. I had him on this podcast. He was one of the coolest, smoothest dudes who was just so, like, honestly himself.

I've never met a guy who wasn't at his career level and age level and experience level that wasn't a little bit phony. Do you know what I mean? I think once you go to prison before the success, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like once you do that,

you're like, what are you going to do to me? Right. Well, dude, I advise people to go back and listen to it and watch the Trejo interview because I got to tell you,

he told some incredible stories about he he found god and found hope and peace in prison and that led him to becoming an actor when he got out he didn't want dude he had nothing to do with it he was a boxer i don't know if you know this he was he was an incredible boxer like a like a um a very like city renowned boxer here in los angeles so was his uncle and um apparently like a friend of a friend was a stunt guy on a show and they were like dude they need someone to come teach these fucking actors how to fight these idiots don't know how to fight yeah these phony bitch actors

can't can't throw a fist so true so sure enough he got hired to be like kind of like a like a day player to like teach them how to fight and the director was like dude you're dope and he was like yeah okay and he was like do you want to just like be in the scene yeah and trejo was like, dude, you're dope. And he was like, yeah, okay. And he was like, do you want to just like be in the scene? Yeah. And Trejo was like, yeah, like, I guess. And like, cause he said, and he said like, he said like, I'm not trying to say like, oh, I just picked it up and I could act right away. He was like, but I didn't have to act for the first couple of years.

They were just like, just be, just say what you would say. Just say what you would say in prison. Yeah. Cause they would write these lines that were like, you better back up, bud. You know what I mean? Yeah, you better back off off man and i'll see you in the shower later he was like we would never talk like that like he corrected him he's like are you out of your mind nobody would say that so the so the authentic version of him you're right it was like he was so real that that's what kind of brought him to the forefront of like being who he is machete. He embraces every single second of it. He said a good phrase that I think I want to repeat

because if you haven't heard the episode, this was so important. He said, other people can think you're famous, but you cannot. I was like, ooh, that's very cold. That is very good. Other people can think you're famous. That's fine. Because the second you do, it's over. Now you're a dick.

You're a goofball. You're an idiot and you're self-indulgent. You think you matter more than other people. You're going to lose all sense of reality. It's over. It's over. now you're a dick you're a goofball you're an idiot and you're self-indulgent you think you matter more than other people you're gonna lose you're gonna lose all sense of reality it's over it's over that's so funny because other people could think you're famous as i because i said do you think you're famous yeah because i said you i said the way we talk you don't act like you're famous you don't have like a presence of fame like he doesn't do that thing where he doesn't do that that thing where it's like you know he introduced himself to everybody that was in the old studio as if they didn't know who he might be.

Do you know what I mean? That's a cool thing when he goes, hey man, I'm Danny. And of course everybody's like, I know. And not doing the thing like, hey, Danny Trejo. You know what I mean? He didn't pause and like, this is a huge moment for you. By the way, that would have been dope. I mean, we would have accepted it

totally would have been great but he but no he but that was impressive to me like when i whenever i see famous people that i know around my circle that i've either buddies with or nearby yeah when i see them do things like that i'm always like very cool very cool to like be humble and normal and not do the thing that i think like that that's what i find interesting about like old hollywood quote unquote they were so into doing that thing that i think i would have hated most of those people well at all but also when you think about old hollywood old hollywood was like 10 famous people totally like that was it it was like sinatra humphrey bogart it was like yeah it was like five women and five men yeah and that was it they were in all the

shit no one knew anyone else like now it's like oh very true like they're literally the guy that lives across the street from me is an instagram influencer has like three million followers i don't know who the fuck he is but he's but but he's but life's real good for him yeah and someone knows who he is and like now there's just too many famous people. It's like, oh, I have to know who Boston Rob is from Survivor. Who is Boston Rob? He's a person. That's a guy from Survivor.

Yeah, I have to know who the host is from that show where they make knives on the History Channel. Oh, that's great. You have to know all these people and it's like no no no like like yeah but back in the day there's like yeah five people yeah you 10 max well also they were famous there's not that many outlets right right yeah there's way more things to see five channels three movies like three movies that was who's the most this is really funny to me okay who's the most um quote most quote unquote famous person that you've met in that world that you did not know was famous?

In their world, they're mega famous and you meet them and somebody goes, do you not know that this person, because of that, have you met someone where you had no idea how famous they were? Because it's in their little nook niche world or whatever?

At the store one time there was and i still i because it didn't matter to me i don't remember their name but like it was some youtuber and like he saw my set and then posted a photo and then like my my nephew who follows him was like, you met so-and-so? And I'm like, did I? I don't know. Who was that? Maybe. Sure. And he's like, dude, he does the thing.

And I'm just like, I have no idea who you're talking about. Yeah, right. And he's one of these guys who has like 40 million. And it wasn't like a photo of him and me. It was just like, hey, I'm at the comedy store. That was it. God, that's mind-blowing to me. It's truly mind-blowing.

It's mind-blowing to me that I can walk through an airport and 99% of the people don't know who I am. That's fine. I don't think they should. But then one person sees me and goes, oh my God. All these people don't give a fuck right but that one person gives a fuck gives a

fuck yeah they give a big they they go nuts and you're like wow that's so strange and i think like you and i are like at a great level of fame right now where the people that do recognize us we can actually give them attention and it's not sure and it's not annoying yeah it's not like hey yeah we'll take the photo sure why not my security guard shoved them away no yeah you know what i mean like we have time where we can take the time to like be nice to everyone that really recognizes us out in the wild well see i feel like in the wild when somebody says hi to me because of what you're saying because of like the uniqueness of our niche like my recognizability or whatever is very niche anyway it's to a very specific market somebody when somebody does see me i'm always like dope what's up yeah what up man and then

they're surprised i'm also that i say what's up yeah it's like oh you didn't like yeah you didn't snap your fingers and have a guy in a suit like come thrust my head into a sewer pipe like no no why would i do that it was a guy at the brewery the other day he kept looking at my he kept looking at me and waiting like like staring at me when i would talk and when i was done talking he'd go wow wow i was like what he like it was i think he's just like so there's worse they're so people are so used to hearing us our voices like this like that and then their headphones are in their car oh and that reminds me i should say this before i move forward uh there was a young lady who i met at um jfl 42 who drove super far to come fucking see me she came to the live podcast she was so incredible that she did all that i want to shout out to you and appreciate you very much i'm a

couple of fingers deep so i don't know i forgot her name because i'm a fucking idiot but she was so dope and so cool she knows exactly who she is she sat in the front row and asked questions and so afterwards we took a photo she was so cool she drove super far yeah not to negate everybody else who came i'm just saying it was one of those moments she came alone and she put up a post about like saying that she was like taking a leap and driving along and felt kind of weird about it. And I was like, thank God for people to do shit like that. Yeah, fuck it. How great is that? Do it.

Do it. Yeah, yeah. It's so cool. Like I'm still at a level right now where I can't believe it. And anyone who like is really excited. Anybody who supports us, yeah, great. Awesome. Fuck.

Like because you. Especially because you know about Brad's very, very shaky history, you know? Very, very shady past very shady like like you don't have to dive too deep but let's go pretty deep you do we do know we do know about your racism and now that you you married someone who's asian that's that's i mean is that hard for you because of all the racial epithets that you've yelled over the years like thank god she's not on twitter right she read all that stuff? oh my god I would have nations mad at me because you were the one that typed up that monologue for Shane Gillis

that was you right? I'm a ghost writer for Shane I'm a ghost writer for Shane's podcast do you know that? can you believe how many people are still mad about that on the internet that you're like guys I'm not going to read another article

in the LA Times about how you think there's a civil war. Somebody wrote that there's a civil war in comedy. It's the dumbest shit I've ever... I read that post too. There's actually still a civil war happening in America on very larger terms. Comedy is not existing in that term. People have real problems. Comedy is not existing in that term. Yeah, and by the way.

People have real problems. It's not. Yeah. Like, I have friends that have a certain perspective on the Shane Gillises and the Anna Gatsby's of the world. And I have a certain perspective on them. And we don't match on it. But when we go to a club, we're just, we're fine. Yeah, nothing matters.

You know what I mean? it's it's amazing that and granted they're just trying to they're just trying to sell articles it's like the vice writer that that that wrote you should not watch dave chappelle special aka watch it yeah by the way telling me not to watch it is only going to make me watch it and don't eat that don't touch that don't do that i'm going to do it is only going to make me watch it. Don't eat that. Don't touch that. Don't do that. I'm going to do it. That's been proven so many times. Elvis Presley's career was made because they only photographed him from the waist up on the Ed Sullivan show because they thought that his pelvic thrusts were too suggestive. So then when the crowd went ape shit when he was doing stuff, everyone was just like, what is he doing?

What is he doing that's making girls faint at the Ed Sullivan studio isn't that crazy that girls used to faint from that they get overwhelmed from that what would they do now now Chris Brown shows his fuck gutters on stage

his eight pack and his fuck gutters and girls are barely paying attention it's just like we're so we're so over sexualized overhyped yeah no one's ever gonna faint again at a live show unless they're on molly and they haven't had enough water give them water yeah that's is he freaking out because of so-and-so no no no no they had a bad they had a bad case of bad trip oh i thought charlie xcx was really banging up there whatever the fuck is that have you finally gotten because I've realized, because I remember when I was growing up and I would have, like, because I was like a teenager and I would have all these adults be like, man, music sucks.

Not like back in our day. Like Green Day is horrible. Offspring's horrible. Back in our day, they were real bands. I thought I will never be you. I will never be you. And now I'm 35 and I am totally them. Offspring's horrible. Back in our day, they were real bands. I thought, I will never be you. I will never be you. Now I'm 35 and I am totally them. You're that guy.

I'm totally them. I had a conversation with someone about this. I'm shooting that FX show with Lil Dicky. There's a bunch of rappers that come and go on the show. I had a conversation with this kid, Taco, from Odd Future. Do you know who Odd Future is? I don't know any words. Do you know Tyler, the creator? Do you know who that is? I know that name. He's part of a group from Odd Future. Do you know who Odd Future is? I don't know any words. Do you know Tyler, the creator?

Do you know who that is? I know that name. Okay, so he's part of a group called Odd Future. I don't know what he's created. Sure. Great music, great music, to be honest. He's good. Yeah, he's very, very talented.

Cool. But I think that like, anyway, him and I were talking about SoundCloud and the idea of SoundCloud rappers and that new age kind of version of hip hop and I was trying to say I don't want to be that guy that goes, eh, they're fucking

trash, but from just like a musical perspective I don't think it's as strong musically even if I don't like a message even if i'm not loving the lyrics like i just think sometimes musically talent wise i'm like this just doesn't add up to being yeah like some things i feel like are just objective right like like like uh uh

brennan has a great joke about beethoven's fifth symphony you know he's like if you look it up there's still like 10 000 people that gave it thumbs down on youtube you're like really really a deaf guy wrote a symphony it's almost like but anyway it's like some things are just objectively just brilliant because they're just they defy the times right they just defy everything that's happening around them and i just feel like we whatever's happening in music right now there's so much good music out right now yeah um because i know a lot of people like it's not what it was no there is a great shit oh there's just put out a new album and i think he's the fucking man like there there's great shit it's just i think there's like you said there's more famous people so there's more shit to sift through

how about that right there's just more we have more shit available to us it's not like it's not like our shit was better than their shit it's just no it's just back in the day like and and this is like when i say back in the day i mean five years ago stuff was so curated for us sure that like they said oh no this is the good shit right and we said okay and now now there's more access you how would you how do you vote on a grammy this year how do you even find well here's my thing is like how do you find so many artists like i'm surprised how many artists get found you know get made and get found oh yeah speaking of which that uh takashi69 that's guy you know they're putting him in witness protection program yeah good luck how many jokes can you write about oh i mean yeah yeah the joke is you you have like 69 tattooed on

your face all over 69 times it's like, how are you going to hide? Where will you hide? Although, for a lot of white people, he could just join Migos. There it is. They wouldn't know the difference. They would not know. But I don't think that's who's trying to kill him. White people are not trying to come after him.

Very true. I don't think there's a lot of white gang members trying to kill Takashi. And by the way, I'm sorry to offend all the white gang members out there. I know you guys are out there. You're doing your thing. We run the streets. All the white gang members are just like, hey, man.

It's all Theo Von. I tell you. Hey, man, you better not talk that shit, man. Are there white gangs? That's why I said that. There's probably white gangs in the South. I don't think there's any white gangs anywhere I live. How about that? There you go? That's why I said that. There's probably white gangs in the South. I don't think there's any white gangs anywhere I live.

How about that? There you go. That's fair. There's no white gangs near me. How about that? There you go. That's fine. Yeah.

I mean, you got a guy selling Oxy, but that's the closest thing you're going to get to. I guess. I don't know if that's a gang. Like the Hoover Crips, I know who those guys are. Yeah. By the way,

we work with some Crips and or bloods on on our show we don't really talk about it sure but um the presence of gang members on a set is very powerful gang members have the same thing that famous people have by the way like like big big big part big leaders in the gang they feel the same to me as when i meet someone famous they have a publicist they have two publicists one for the streets one for the freaks no they have um oh they just have the same presence dude it's hard to describe they have the exact same presence as someone who's very powerful that's famous um i wish i could encapsulate this in words it's very odd it's like

oh they are well you know they're very good at what they do. And you know something's different about them. Yeah, something's unique. You can look at whomever it is and be like, you're not like all of us. Others, right. You're not like us. And whether that be an athlete, a performer, or a gang member, you just go like, that's, mm. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Whiskey Ginger is brought to you in part by mac weldon mac weldon

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you want to be famous in your neighborhood in your streets they want to be famous it's just a different kind of fame you want to be recognized you want power you want respect that's what fame usually is

generally you just want to be known you want power so it's the same kind of idea that's why when they're like the one dude was saying his homies were like, bitch ass doing Hollywood bullshit. But it's like, they all want to do Hollywood bullshit.

Because it just exposes you to have more clout, more rep. You know what I mean? Exactly. More rep means everything. When you were growing up and you were a gangbanger. When I was a gangbanger, right, in the mean streets of Fullerton, California. Orange County. Orange County, yeah.

What was the name of your gang in Orange County? What were you guys called? The Four Foot Fighters. Yeah, it was all dwarves. All little people? All little people gang. Did you guys have custom made weapons and shit? I mean, yeah.

You couldn't do brass knucks because the thing was too small. You know what I mean? It didn't work. So we had to go get custom brass knucks because the thing was too small. You know what I mean? It didn't work. So we had to go get custom brass knucks made. Now, we still used knives, but they were like katana swords. You know what I mean? We had a knife.

A kitchen knife was like a katana sword? Yeah, yeah. We're like, ah, big swing! It was a whole thing. Did you guys murder people? I mean, you can die from stab wounds to the knee there's some arteries down there

yeah you cut off the main artery you can bleed out slow if you guys punched me in my tibula which one's the big one? the fibula? I think the fibula's the big one save your tweets if you crack this, I die.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. I'll fucking break you, son. Plus, you're right at penis height. Yeah. It's so easy to use your, like a punching bag. See, I wish if I had had.

And I've told my audiences, by the way. Yeah. You used to be tall. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just did this for the hook. It's a good bit. Yeah.

It's a great, like, I'm doing like some advanced Andy Kaufman shit. It's a good bit yeah it's a great like i'm doing like some advanced andy kaufman shit this is a good bit i i'm doing some advanced andy kaufman you're really committing really that's all the way in yeah i remember one time i i got i got off stage and uh there there was a comic who just went like man man, you're so lucky you got that. And I'm like, fuck you. What kind of – really? I don't want to get into it because you'll probably tell me who it is and I'll just eat him alive. Oh, it's not anyone who's famous now.

Okay, okay, okay. It's fine. But just an idiot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fucking – You're so lucky you got that. A comic that can't write a joke. Yeah, right.

So he would need something like that. I know who it is you're lucky you got that yeah and you're like do you and i just stopped and went do you want all this yeah because i mean if you want to be disabled let's switch we can do it let's switch like where's the genie where's the magic we can fucking freaky friday this shit that's what i was like freaky yeah yeah yeah yeah let's both pee in a fountain and have a lightning strike hit let's go let's go get a monkey's paw at a weird shop let's make it happen wish on his ultar machine yeah yeah let's switch a room baby let's do the switch and guess what by the end it, by the end of the story, when you're like, wow, I've lived your life,

and now I'm very thankful that I have my life and the things that I hated about my life, I now will great. No, I would stay in your body and say, fuck you. You are still a midget. But you probably want your penis, so you don't want to give it up. So that's the problem. See? That's the problem.

I can't lose any dicks. You can't? See? See? See? I mean, don't get me wrong. My wife would love it if it was smaller. Yeah, right. Love it.

Right, yeah, it would make it easier. It would be so much better for her. So maybe I would keep it just to make her happy because I'm sensitive. Yeah. Well, you are. You're a sweet guy. You're thoughtful. People don't know, but Brad's got a, we call it tuna can.

He's got a tuna can. It's not long, but boy, is it wide. It's not long at all. It is wide. Woof. Yeah. By the way, when you said Andy Kaufman, the first thing, the only thing I can think of is,

I always go back to the fact that Kaufman, two things. One, worked at Cantor's Deli while he was on Taxi, which is the craziest thing. I always think about that. Whenever I go to pass Cantor's, I go, wow. Andy Kaufman was on a hit network television show. Back then, they made a ton of money. It was absurd.

There was four channels. It was disgusting to a degree where when we joked on I'm Dying Up here that took place in 1971 this showtime show that i did we would joke that the that some people on tv were making 30 or 40 000 an episode back in 1971 dude yeah in 1971 they were making 40 000 an episode so when your character when one of the characters on the show was Benny the Mailman and instantly moved into a mansion in the hills, you want to be like, yeah, that's what would happen.

Actually happened. Used to happen. Now you get on four TV shows and you get a modest house in the valley. A very modest house in the valley. You do alright. But it's true. The difference is amazing. Andy Kaufman was working at Cantor's.

Cantor's, if you don't know, is a Jewish jelly on Fairfax. One of the best. And he would work there while he was on the television show Taxi because he just didn't want to lose... Well, I don't know his reasoning. I assume it was because he just kind of wanted to stay in this weird man-of-the-people zeitgeisty thing. Like what Bill Murray does. It's almost like Murray took took a few notes from him do you know what i mean like he

still wants to be a man of the people it's like andy did that constantly so anyway the other thing i was thinking of is what what's happening now i wonder if andy would have been so quickly moved away from the business because Andy would wrestle women. You should look it up if you don't know Andy Kaufman. He would wrestle women on television and he would do this brooding, sexist character. He was being a villain

because he was a huge fan of pro wrestling. He wanted to be the heel. He's like, oh, I loved how the bad guys would do it. So I'm going to be the bad guy. And he did it. And then people wouldn't put two and two together. First of all, they thought it was real. Yeah.

Which is insane. That's true. Isn't it weird to think when we're like, man, I mean, humans are pretty smart. We're the smartest and the dumbest. Dumbest by far. I think we're still dumb. We didn't fully acknowledge that. Some of us are smart.

Yeah. Yeah. Some of us are smart. Some people build stuff. Vast majority. Right. Like, I just watched the Bill Gates thing on Netflix. You're like, okay, Bill and his people are going to save the world.

We're fucking it up. They're the only ones that can. They're going to try to save it. But yeah, you watch that. Pro wrestling didn't become acknowledged that it was fixed and fake until, like, 98? wrestling didn't become acknowledged that it was fixed and fake until like 98 like it was not too long ago it was wildly well it used to just kind of be like we we all knew but no one talked about it yeah the thing but like now when they they they buy more into it yeah they push

more of the rhetoric of like it is quote- unquote theater, fake, or whatever you want to say, but the physicality is real. Oh no, and I'm a huge wrestling fan. So that's the defense that people have. I don't give a shit about wrestling. It's not my thing, but also I don't want to get even fake choke slammed by a six foot eight, 235 guy.

I've run the ropes, and the ropes will leave huge bruises. Oh, they hurt. They're not rubber bands no it all their elevator and people like the canvas that canvas that you land on it it is not soft on your body no this isn't pillows with you and your buddies and when you're young and you're wrestling and yeah yeah your living room yeah no this is yeah this is it's hard this isn't you taking a bump on a fucking trampoline. No.

I've been in wrestling rings before, and I'm like stomping going, this isn't giving. This is concrete. At all. This is hard. Yeah, we made it out of bricks. Yeah, you're like, oh, but it's got one spring in the middle, so land there. Land there. I think Bud Kaufman and his wrestling thing, he would have been fucked today.

You think about that. Oh. that wrestling women this character he played even if it's a character they still would have been like there's so much subtext here he really does hate women well he's a sexist he's a racist i mean he did all these things mocking yeah mocking somebody there was a wrestler uh post 9-11 oh post his name was post 9-11 so post malone's buddy that would have been a great wrestling name ladies and gentlemen post 9-11 oh my god it's post 9-11 you want to tell us something brother his finisher is the crumbling tower crumbling towers yeah crumbling towers the two guys on each side so there's this this guy, there was this wrestler.

His name was Muhammad Hassan. Muhammad Hassan. Yeah, and he was post 9-11, and he was sort of like a 9-11, like, how do I describe him? He wasn't a Muslim terrorist, but he was definitely anti-American and Muslim. And Muslim. Yes, and from the Middle East. So WWE was rocking a hot place.

The hate against this guy was so strong. Well, yeah, dude. They had to kill him. They had to kill him out of the WWE? yeah the did he come back as a new character uh i don't believe like i i think he started wrestling like indies and stuff yeah uh undertaker power bombed him like off the stage so you couldn't see him and it was just like he's dead that's it he's dead who's the guy that jumped off the top of the thing uh mankind mcfoley and he died no no no no no who's the guy that jumped off the top of the thing uh mankind mick foley and he died no no no no no who's the guy that died that jumped off the top of the uh owen hart owen hart was coming in as an

entrance and then his like the cable snapped right and he fell and they kept doing the show yeah they didn't know he was dead no they knew shut up because i heard jim ross was the announcer that night jeff ross's brother uh jeff ross's brother jim ross he's the wrestle master general uh he was he was on a podcast and apparently in his he said this story where in his earpiece he had he had a guy saying hey guys just letting you know uh owen is gone oh my we lost owen but we're gonna keep going and we're back in three shut up and he's like what the fuck no way dude like i'm all could you how could you keep going i well that's like um there was a comedian that died last year on stage. Yeah.

For 20 minutes. People thought it was a bit. Yeah. What is his name? I know that Super Dave Osborne and Albert Brooks' dad died at a roast. Super Dave died at a roast? No, no, not Super Dave no i was like he did die yeah last year but uh so super dave osborne and uh whose real name is uh bob einstein

and uh albert brooks whose real name is albert einstein but he had changed it right i guess there was some other one uh there was never heard of him so their dad was like a cat skills roast comic and was and was it was doing a roast did his set sat down put his head down and died wow like he killed yeah he yelled and he died he sat down on the stage and died on stage at the dais oh my god so he sat down on the stage and died on stage? At the dais. Oh my god. So he sat down on the table and just went. Oh my fucking god. And then just like put his head down and then died. Then died. Damn. How do you...

So they stopped the show. They stopped that show. I don't know. You gotta roast him a little bit. You know what I mean? I mean, I think Milton Berle had a couple of lines probably like, my dick can revive him or something like that. I don't know. If you know who Milton Berle is, that's actually a good improv joke that's right up the line of milton burrell right there what's uh i'd have to look it up what would be your what would be your uh what would be your worst and best way to go oh well it's like you know you've

heard the story like matthew mcconaughey constantly brags about uh his dad died having sex with his mom do you know that no but that's mcconaughey's father died on about his dad died having sex with his mom. Do you know that? No, but that's... McConaughey's father died on top of his mother having sex with his mom. Wow. And as the legend has it, I don't want to inflate more of fucking Matthew McConaughey's ego, the Lincoln commercial guy who can't take a joke. He says that his mother, when they were carrying out the body,

his dick was still hard. His dad's dick was still hard. And she removed the tarp from his body and was like, let people see what he's got going on to see how big his cock was. Right? That's the legend that they would like to throw. I doubt that actually happened. That's exactly what I said.

But okay. But that's very Matthew McConaughey. For purposes of you, Matthew, we will say that. I mean, I won't. I don't give a fuck about him. I don't know the dude. I just think it's such a hacky fake. There's no fucking but that's very bad for purposes of you matthew we will say that i mean i won't i don't give a fuck about him i don't know the dude i just think it's such a hacky fake there's no fucking way that's real anyway that's of course he says he wants to go what is your way that you'd love to go like what's that what would be like that's my way yeah i mean sleep you want to go in your sleep but like there's something about have you ever just had a show or done a thing where afterward you're just like,

I'm completely at peace right now? With the happiness of how satisfied I am? Or the fact that it was so bad that you're like, I could just go. I've had a couple of shows. After I shot my second special daddy issues if I went to sleep that night

and not woken up I'd be like yeah fine with it that's cool that's wild there's certain milestones you hit like now my wife is pregnant we have a daughter on the way

so now it's like no I can't I have so much more to do now but I'll take care of your kid Papa Santino My wife is pregnant. We have a daughter on the way. So now it's like, no, I can't. I have so much more to do now. Yeah. But I'll take care of your kid. Yeah, of course. Papa Santino. Uncle Santino.

Uncle Santino always smells like liquor. Tell me stories of my tiny father. I'm sorry, sorry. But your dad was a great man, but the whole being short thing was fake. That was fake. It was a hook. By the way, you know that's a that's like a running joke for me that i get to say to friends i do that all the time like if some if your name comes up in conversation yeah and someone will say your name and they'll go oh you're

friends with brad yeah i'll go yeah yeah i am yeah i love brad and they'll go yeah he's yeah it was to say something they'll say something complimentary and then i'll go and then i'll go i don't know i just think like the fake in the legs, like the being short thing is such a phony, it's just like a bad phony bit. Or I'll say, or I'll go, you know Brad, you know Brad used to be tall and this whole thing is ever since he moved to LA, Orange County, he wasn't that way. He went Hollywood. There's yearbook pictures of him on the basketball team.

He used to be black. Yeah. Very different. on the basketball team. He used to be black. Yeah. Very different. Brad was very different. He had that whole surgery. No, no. People say that I, for the record, I do not see it. But people say that I look like a mini Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I had to close my eyes for a second, but yeah. Yeah, people have told me that. Oh, yeah, I'm seeing it. I'm to close my eyes for a second, but yeah. Yeah, people have told me that. Oh, yeah, I'm seeing it. I don't see it, but some people see it. Okay, fine. So, like, maybe that's what you do. He was like, oh, no.

That's Brad. Like, Mac, all of a sudden. This whole thing? He does this at night when he leaves set. Brad Williams is his dwarf comedic persona. By the way, think about if you had your dwarf alter ego. Your max dwarf.

So we played a prank at the Montreal Comedy Festival. By the way, you never told me how you want to go. After a good show? And how do you want to not go? What's the worst thing you want to do? You know people say burning or drowning.

Yeah, those two are pretty bad. That's it? I always say stabbed oh stabs pretty bad too because i feel like you feel all of it all the way out well because like a kid just got stabbed here in hollywood uh it was on the news the other day and all i could think to my wife i was like just fucking shoot me right please fucking shoot me gun back of the head i don't want it like i don't want to feel it like leaking out of me right fucking shoot and it's usually like it's a slow thing oh my god it's over and over again oh yeah like yeah like i would hope that the brain would do something like if you're burning alive that the brain you know it does shut shuts down well

no you know it does when you drown too you know it releases like all of your serotonin levels yeah you do it's a flood yeah so you get really kind of stoned you kind of black out and get high that's what they say yeah so they say the brain does that so i would hope that that would happen in those scenarios so maybe drowning is not that bad because you're like i think it probably is dude it's just the panic yeah the panic would kill you yeah i i don't want to go in my sleep well the water in your lungs kills you but yeah the panic's pretty bad too so i don't want to go from um stabbing that's my worst but i do want to go from uh or are you saying my prep my preference would be as i lay down you know you know when you're over traveled and so tired that you're like

you know when you you know when you're kind of lethargic from from being so tired when you're over-traveled and so tired that you're like – you know when you're kind of lethargic from being so tired that you're almost like high or drunk? Like you're so tired, but it feels really good. You know what I mean? You're almost like giggly and weird. Yeah, and it's like that's when you're so tired you can't sleep. Yes, yes. But you're just laying in bed.

You know you have to catch up on sleep, and it's just not happening. It's not happening. You're just like lucid and weird I want that right then take me when I'm like overworked and like my body's shut it feels like I'm shutting down you know what

when I have a 6am flight I have two shows on Saturday night and I have a 6am flight and I get back to the hotel room at midnight or at like 1 o'clock in the morning and I have a 6 a.m. flight and I get back to the hotel room at midnight or at like 1 o'clock in the morning and I have to wake up at 3 a.m. to make

my 6 a.m. flight. As I'm, like right when my alarm goes off and I go, ah fuck, just bullet to the head right then. Bullet to the head. I've always made the joke like, when I wake up in those scenarios like you if you told me like

hey you could go have sex with Emily Ratajkowski right now or go back to sleep I'd be like sleep. Sleep? In a second. Because I can fuck her in my dreams. Yeah. The real thing comes with so many

consequences. I'd rather yeah you know i had to lose half my shit my wife finds out it's not good fuck that yeah yeah like that moment yeah i like that when i wake up and go fuck like i gotta get up to go to this flight and like my whole day is playing out in my in my head just take me out right right then yeah that's true i feel even strangling me, I'd be excited. Because you wouldn't really feel it. You'd just be going like this. You'd be smiling.

Here we go. What was the prank you played in Montreal? I skipped over it. So we talk about us being like, oh, I'm not a real dwarf or whatever. Because you're not. Totally true. So there's a puppet act out of australia called oh yeah that guy i saw that guy randy felt face

yeah randy felt face yes purple yeah uh so it is an actual puppet for those that aren't understanding what we're saying there's there is a man that man's a puppet who actually does stand up and was on the roast was the i, it was part of the roast battle. Yes. So he's doing the roast battle and I had gotten eliminated. I roasted the Sklar Brothers. I was there for this, by the way. The Sklar Brothers won because it's two against one.

It's a literal handicap match. They're handicapped? Yeah. Twins. From Missouri. It's just their eyes. Twins. From Missouri. It's just their eyes. So the puppeteer for Randy looks at me and goes,

hey, do you want to do a thing? I go, yeah. You're so down for bits. Anything. I know, I love it. Yes, and. That's why I love you. So they walk out a piece of cardboard in front of him.

For more visual structure, for people, there is a table with a drape on it so people don't see where the puppet is coming from. You cannot see the man. You don't know who he is. You just see the puppet. The puppet lies above the table doing his shit. It just looks like a puppet is sitting

on a picnic table. I crouch down, walk out with Randy, and I'm waiting there. Underneath the table. By the way, nobody knows. Nobody knows. Not the audience, not any of the other comedic talent, none of the producers, nobody knows.

K. Trevor Wilson, he was roasting K. Trevor Wilson. He didn't know. His competition was K. Trevor, and he had no idea so and by the way watching that whole process from behind that thing holy shit is this guy talented yeah he's very good he's insane i have so much respect yeah people should look him up he's very very funny seeing him do the reaction at the angle that his body was at while talking into his headset mic and doing fucking a yeah brilliant unbelievable so uh he's doing that and then uh so he loses the roast battle yeah k trevor beats him and k trevor says and he and randy says i don't want you to shake the hand of the puppet or hug the puppet that's

dumb i don't do this i'm going to come out and reveal my and reveal myself so you hug the man and not the puppet puppet goes down i pop up i lost my and the place went nuts they're like what fire and like because it was so good because because Randy has a hard Australian accent like it's there's no question where he's from it's very obvious and I obviously don't what?

Roy! there it is, that's my Randy you popping out I pop out, the place goes nuts I hug K Trevor I kneel back down behind the table puppet pop i know yeah to talk to the judges and at the very end we did it one more time the look uh i talked to i was just on pete holmes's podcast yeah and i asked him i go did you think i was the puppy he goes a hundred

percent i thought you were the yeah yeah i was sitting right behind him it was me and michael chay were sitting right there and we thought i was too yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sitting right behind him. It was me and Michael Che were sitting right there. Che thought I was too. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Clearly I didn't because I know you. Right. I'm friends with you.

Yeah. Yeah, but everybody else thought, they were like, holy shit, did Brad really do that? And I just kept my mouth shut. I was like, I'm not going to fucking ruin this for me and them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Lil Rel comes backstage. Yeah, he was a joke. And he talks to me and he goes man brad oh shit

that was crazy that was funny because but like i was talking with che like you're not the puppet right and here's where like i used to work at disneyland and the one rule of disneyland is like you never you never break yeah do i ever yeah you never so when someone says like hey is it hot inside mickey is hot inside the Donald Duck suit? You go, well, he's got feathers. I mean, that's pretty hot, but he's not wearing pants. So, you know, that's a lot of air up there. There you go.

Yeah. He's fine. Like you do stuff like that. So Rel comes back and goes, but you're not the puppet, right? I go, no, no, I'm not the puppet. Randy. Randy's the puppet. He's a puppet.

Yeah, he's a puppet. And he goes, goes wait but you're but but you're not controlling him right i'm like no one controls randy he's doing his own thing like i'm yeah i was there for like you're feeding him the bullshit you're talking to a child his eyes got so like what the fuck is happening right now he just saw the math equation for fucking goodwill hunting in his head he's like well wait a minute this can't add up this motherfucker yeah and he goes like but you you were you weren't controlling the puppet i go no randy randy does his own thing he does everything he goes he goes but who controls the puppet i'm like i don't know the voices in randy's head i mean like who tells you what to

do man yeah probably right yeah people i can't believe how many people just were like in in complete awe that didn't know that that was you i was like i mean awesome fun but i was also a little nervous i was like these guys vote thankfully not in our country no that's right canada i mean but we're we're even worse so we're way fucking worse i just came back from canada i was just what a what a place oh yeah you were in toronto right oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's awesome dude that country's i don't it's dude it's toronto's a great city it's awesome i i can't say enough good things about it honestly yeah i i thought every time i go to montreal it's fantastic everyone who goes to vancouver says it's like the greatest city ever i'm supposed to go to vancouver toronto's i'm supposed to go to vancouver i've

been to vancouver before i've never done a comedy there but i'm supposed to go did you go to the hockey hall of Fame in Toronto? no dude I went to dude I went to Kensington Market which was really dope I jumped around

I talked about it a little bit on the live show about all the stuff that we did because we did a live show with Ronnie Chang and Esther it was fun but speaking of

getting your getting your feet on the road what are you doing right now? are you touring? touring like a goddamn man what's going on? tell me some dates what's up? are you doing right now? Are you touring? What's going on? Tell me some dates. What's up?

Are you guys doing shit coming up? Wednesday's coming out, more or less. In a week. Not this week. Next week. All right. Well, just go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. Yeah, go check it out.

I tour all over. You're constant. What are the next couple of dates you got coming up? You don't even know. Dom and I are looking at your phone. I find out the week. You know what I mean? looking at your phone. I find out like the week. You know what I mean? It's that thing.

When does your kid do? Kid is due January 18th. So I'm taking January through March off. Why? So I can be home. For what? To see the baby.

Dude, Papa is a rolling stone. Hey, you gotta see the baby. Jerry. Hey, you gotta see the baby. You told me, and you've said this very adamantly yes you go to

bradwilliams.com and look up all the dates bradwilliamscomedy.com bradwilliamscomedy.com he's phenomenal we'll put it in the description below or I won't and everybody will get mad

I do that every time but you've said this to me before multiple times you hate Jerry Seinfeld why is that there's no fun to bury someone and do that

the director of Little Dicky is this is jeff schaefer i don't know if you knew jeff and jackie did the league they they oh yeah brilliant yeah and jeff also did this entire season of curbing enthusiasm which great your boy santino is in the new episode of curb in january but jeff i do this to jeff all the time i love fucking with him and in front of the entire video village i'll go up up to him and I'll go, I don't know. Everyone's quiet. And I'll go to Jeff.

I'll go, I don't know. I don't dislike you because you voted for Trump. I just think it's not. I don't know. I just don't know why you don't want to talk about it. And he'll get really weird and nervous and locked up. And everyone's kind of laughing, kind of like, what is he talking about?

And I go, I don't care. I still like you as a director. I think I'm friends with you. It's your choice to vote for Trump. And he doesn't know how. There is no way to get out of that without sounding defensive, which sounds even more guilty. Or if he plays into the bit, it could get bad for him.

It's a lose-lose yeah because so watch what i did what i just did to you right like you told me so many times that you hate jerry seinfeld oh yeah see oh yeah totally because he because you hate you think he's a dog shit comic you go he's not funny he's not a well-written comic and he thinks he is he thinks he is he kicks midgets in his spare time people think good turn people think he has porsches good turn in those garages yeah midgets all midgets cages he picks out his favorite one to kick every morning he also has a garage filled with midges and cages so that's a good turn if you go if you go there but even still someone on the internet or someone around you go i bet you brad does hate yeah when someone puts something

on you like that there's no you lose there's no way you have to go like steer into it go hard so like when you go to your buddy and go yeah uh like i can't believe trump and if you want to vote for him that's fine man yeah you love him huh he he has to fully dig in he has to go in fact i help build the wall myself yes i'm going there um in fact i hired uh, a bunch of Mexicans to link arms where there is no wall. And they act as the wall. And they protect the border. They protect it.

They'll do anything for money. There you go. See, everything. Now we're going to be misconstrued. This is going to be a New York Post article on Twitter next week. It's funny you bring up Seinfeld. I was, in addition to the fact that I hate him, obviously.

You've always said you hate Seinfeld. I was at the Miami Improv, and I'm about 45 minutes into my set. I'm about to close out, and the manager runs up, hands me a note. No way.

And I open up the note. It goes, and it says, Seinfeld here wants to go on. Damn. And I'm like, okay. By the way, that's so many words. He could have written that in good English. You know what I mean? It's not like that Seinfeld go on.

Seinfeld is here. He's thinking about going on. Could bring him up. Just missing one word. Seinfeld here wants to go on. Should have said Seinfeld bring up next. Yeah, bring up Seinfeld. So I go, okay.

Miami? Miami. And I go, all right. And I had one more bit to do so i did a abbreviated version of it stop and you didn't want to show off you didn't want to show off in front of his iphone i didn't i would have shown i would have fucking i would have gone over and i would have crushed on purpose i didn't think he'd actually be watching because i think he'd be like no he'd be watching if he's a drop into your show yeah of course he's fucking watching there's a nice green room back there well like i think he's gonna come in i did my go i want to go on after this guy's weekend spot and go sit in the green room i bet you he watched you well i mean if

he not for the whole set but i'm sure he watched from when he was ready to go on yeah the last 10 minutes yeah i did about probably like seven minutes after five to seven. So still a bit. You do your shit. It was a good closer. I like that part. Then I go, hey ladies and gentlemen, we're in Miami, Florida. Anything can happen in Miami, Florida.

Please welcome to the stage Mr. Jerry Seinfeld. Now I'm saying this not knowing if this is a prank. That's funny. And it's Miami. It's not New York. It's not LA. It is a prank. Ah, that's funny. And it's Miami. So it's like, why would he, you know, like it's not New York. It's not like LA. Yeah, but Florida, Jewish. So I go, God, he better be here.

So like I go, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld. And the audience kind of goes, what? Yeah, they don't get it either because it's your show. Yeah, and they're like, I don't. And then Jerry walks on. Wow, and they lose their shit. And they go bat shit insane either because it's your show. Yeah, and then Jerry walks on. Wow, and they lose their shit. And they go bat shit insane. He does like 20 minutes.

And then when he was done, he went back to the green room. Oh, here's the fun part that I always like to mention. This was like my... You can talk shit if you're ready to talk shit. Either my Thursday night show or my Sunday night show. It was about three-fourths full. But by the time Jerry's set was done, it was sold out.

Yeah, of course. And you're like, how did that... Was he cool to you afterwards? Yeah, he came off stage. Because comics had formed back in the green room. Yeah, everyone sent a text. Yeah, everyone sent a text, get over here now. So there was a bunch of comics back there.

And yeah, he took photos with all the comics that wanted photos. Everyone sent a text. Get over here now. There was a bunch of comics back there. He took photos with all the comics that wanted photos. He talked to me and he talked to my opener for a little bit. Who's your opener? Eric Myers that weekend who is a crusher. Do you take him all the time? Not all the time, but when I can. I have a stable of four that kind of rotate.

You did this. Do you not know how many people four is? That's four, right? This is five. What? You're the thumb. I'm going in the midget numerical system.

Is it different than hers? My fingers are less value than yours. It takes me five fingers to match your four. Your fingers are each worth 1.2? Less, like 0.6. that's how the number system works so I just do five fingers and that makes four

see sometimes I forget that I'm talking to non-dwarves so you guys don't know the code sucks I don't know the code just send me the fucking PDF so I can study it before you come over no problem I have like four openers I don't know the code. Just send me the fucking PDF so I can study it before you come over. No problem. But yeah, I have like four openers.

Your four. That felt like Inglourious Bastards. It did? That scene where he's like, we'll have three scotches. It's like, ah, you did that. You should have said that. That's exactly right. Yeah.

So yeah. But he came back and he was cool to you? Yeah, he was great. He was great. And his material was funny. He was there on vacation and just wanted to do time. Oh, miserable. I would never.

People say that all the time. They're always like, oh, you're going to do stand-up or wherever. I'm always like, no. Is that the fucking reason for me to leave? Is to acquire some of the things i need to get yeah excited about standing when i get back like i don't i don't fucking i want to be in fucking italy with my family and then be like you know i'm gonna pop in yeah to the palazzo comedy club i don't want to do that shit like that no fuck that no way well if you are ever in italy and you want to do that shit. No, fuck that. No way. Take a fucking break. Well, if you are ever in Italy and you want to do some time. You got a gig in Rome or something?

April Macy and her husband own a bar. I know. April Macy might as well be Carmen Sandiego. Right. She's got the red hair. She looks like Carmen. If people don't know, part of my audience is like, who the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?

Google it. Yeah, Google Carmen Sandiego. There was a show. It was a geography game for kids. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? And it was brilliant too because I found out how little I knew about geography. Yeah. I watched it.

I was like, holy shit. I don't know. Do you remember that there were like kid shows that were like smart? That were smart, way smarter than fucking me. Watch Animaniacs again and you're like, oh my God. Oh yeah, Pinky and the Brain. Yeah. These were like smart shows I think a lot of kids humor tends to still be pretty smart

We just don't When you're young you see the goofiness of it And then you get older and you see the subversive meta Adult jokes The Simpsons is riddle It is an adult show Even though kids loved it Some of the best comedy when I was a kid

Was not realized until I became an adult because Eat My Shorts was funny when you were a kid. Eat My Shorts or whatever Bart's catchphrase was. Yeah, the fucking prank calls to Mo. Totally, yeah. So it's like those were so funny for kids.

I need a man to hug and kiss. Is a man to hug and kiss here? Guys, you know all my life I've been looking for a man to hug and kiss god it's so good so good some of those bits were just so funny as kids because you thought it was goofy but then you see the other stuff and you're like oh shit this was really for adults it just happened to be good for kids too because cartoons break colors you know like it just it just worked yeah like A friend of mine Memorized the Countries of the World song From Animaniacs It was Animaniacs

He could name you all the countries of the world He starts doing it It's not in alphabetical order No, it's all over the place It has some rhyme scheme to it United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama Haiti, Jamaica, Peru That's the only part I know.

Right. But yeah. They would do shit like that. I couldn't name more than 20 countries. And there's how many? There's 70 maybe? More 80? Something like that.

See how dumb we are? Yeah, don't even know how many. We're dumb guys. I know the capital of Djooty is Jabooty I know that one should we close on that? should we close on Jabooty? the capital of Jabooty is Jabooty

that's the lesson today that's the name of this episode is Jabooty baby go to bradwilliamscomedy.com I have one more really cool thing to plug oh plug it baby cause I am on the About Last Night podcast with my podcast partner, Adam Ray. We didn't talk about this.

I'm so annoyed. We talked about it before. My heterosexual life mate. Yeah. Hey, give or take. He's a good hetero life mate. The About Last Night podcast is a great podcast with Adam Ray and Brad Williams, two buddies of mine.

And Brad is? Leaving the podcast at episode 500 to be a father, to have more time. But even though I'm leaving, because this is one thing, like you leave, like when bands break up, it's always like, oh, they hate each other, or like they're not getting along. And you guys are the same.

So to prove that we are definitely hating each other, no, we are doing a cruise together. Shut up. Yeah. What do you mean? What kind of cruise? We're doing a cruise where we're doing stand-up, and we're bringing the goddamn Comedy Jam band on.

What? What cruise is this? Is it like a... It's going from Long Beach to Mexico. A carnival cruise or some shit? Yeah. Let's not say carnival because it may not be. Who planned it?

Who did this? There's a guy. His name is Parker. He does stuff with the Adam Carolla Cruise. You go to travelbyparker.com. Let's not say Carnival because it may not be. Who planned it? Who did this? There's a guy. His name is Parker. He does stuff with the Adam Carolla crews. You go to travelbyparker.com. Travelbyparker.com. He does all these cruises.

You guys are going to do a cruise. You guys, Josh Adam Myers and the goddamn Comedy Jam crew. Yeah. And who else? That. So it's you guys together. Yeah. We're going from Long Beach to Mexico and we're doing it Halloween weekend of 2020. A year from now.

Tickets are on sale so you have plenty of time. I think it's Adam and Brad's Halloween Spooktacular at Sea. We're going to have costume contests. Just go to his website. Go to bradwilliamscomedy.com and you can see exactly all the details that go on in this um yeah i'm not gonna go but i think people have fun we could pay you i don't do boats i don't do boats you don't do boats i do boats for leisure not for not for a long time like like i'll go out on a boat around the lake i'll go water ski yeah like a wakeboard okay i don't want

to live on i don't want to sleep on a boat i don't want to sleep on a boat you've never done you've never done a cruise never done a cruise we'll never do andrew santino will never do a cruise fact fact fact i've i'll take a boat to an island yeah i thought cruises were bad until i did the chris jericho rock and wrestling rager at sea yeah that was fun huh that was fucking great it's not that it's bad it's just not for it's not for old red it's not for the red rocket red Rocket does not want to be on the boat. I don't want to sleep on a fucking boat. I don't want to wake up with it. I just think, I don't want to, there you go.

That's my don't want to die. I don't want to wake up with a boat drowning. Oh, okay. A boat is sinking. It's like you hear the siren or whatever. Yeah, that's like, to me, that's like, what? I could have prevented this. I could have stayed ashore.

I could have just not been on this boat. Yes. Yes. That to me is like you know the risk is not worth the reward for for the red rocket no you know what i can't say never but indefinitely for now i'm not gonna go until i do i won't until i do i won't i'm not gonna i'm not gonna fucking do it but i do think the fans should go because more people are uh don't give a shit. Yeah. And I think you should go. Go see Brad and Adam

and the Goddamn Comedy Jam and Josh Adam Myers who also has a great podcast called The 500. All these guys are great performers. They're incredible. Brad's leaving Adam, truthfully, not just because of his kid,

but because he hates Adam Ray. You do. You hate Seinfeld and Adam Ray. You know what? You say Seinfeld is the Adam Ray of the older generation. Yeah. That's what you say. I say it all the time.

Same guys. It's on a t-shirt that you can get at my website. BradWilliamsComedy.com. Go there. You'll see all kinds of hateful t-shirts. You'll see it all. Anti-Semitic stuff. It's great.

Go check it out. We're happy to have Brad. Brad's going to be a dad. Say congratulations to Brad on his Twitter, his Instagram. Wish him good luck raising a daughter because you know she's going to be a stripper. You know she's going to be

a stripper. It's the Chris Rock bit. That's my only job. You will not fail. If I do see her at that little strip club next to the airport Van Nuys, I'll tip her well. How about that? If I do see her in 20 years, I next to the airport Van Nuys, I'll tip her well. How about that? If I do see her in 20 years, I'll tip her well.

That's all I ask. That's what you need. Just tip her well. Give her a C-note. Take care of her. Send her on her way. Hey, I've told her. I haven't told her.

She's not born yet. You've talked to the tummy. I will tell her, whatever you do in life, just do it full. Do it to the best of your ability. So if you are a stripper, you better be the best goddamn stripper. Full nude. Don't go to those ones where it you better be the best goddamn stripper. Full nude. Don't go to those ones where it's just boobies. You better be full nude.

Bikini bar? Tassels? Come on, lady. Pansy. Take it off. Go full. Dad, go home. Take it off.

You know my dates. I'm on the road in November. Go to andrewsantino.com for all the fun stuff. Cheeto Santino. Get me Unshadowband, dude. Fight the good fight. Spread the word about Cheeto Santino. Get me Unshadowband, dude. Fight the good fight. Spread the word about Cheeto Santino on Instagram. Agreed.

So people know what's up because I can get Instagram from stop putting me in handcuffs. Thank you, Brad. I love you. Love you too, buddy. Give me one out. Go say one phrase as I get up to turn off the camera. Go ahead. Hamster nipples.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Hamster nipples.