Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Brent Morin

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

Santino sits down with Brent Morin to talk about his cooler, gayer brother, stealing booze in high school and doing whippets in desert motels. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you have an intro song? Yeah, dude, I got a fucking intro song, man. I got a fucking big intro song, dude. You want to see my intro song? Yep. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. There it is.

That's good. It's going to go. Wait. It's going to go now. Is this still part of the intro song? Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today on whiskey ginger is mr brent moran one of my favorite people in the world and i say that for all my guests so i do so who knows do you think i mean it when i say that yes with me i don't think you mean it with other people

that's right that is true there's been two other people on the podcast and i'll let you guys guess who i fucking didn't like that much but brent chris yeah that guy's a piece of shit so rich and stupid look at my fucking long hair and all my money my long limbs yeah my little legs he's limby seven cars probably seven he's got seven you know what he needs to do is he needs to fucking hit the leg machine dog fuck you man you fucking piece of shit piece of shit brent i do mean it when I say I love you because I've known you for a very long time in comedy. I know you a very long time. Very long, actually. When we were still doing like bars and shithole places.

We were doing bullshit shows. And now look at you. You just sold a show to NBC. The NBC, yeah. On top of the world. We'll see. You feel good? I feel good.

We have a notes call today, so we'll see. What's the show about? Can you tell us? I think I can. It was in the the trades hey um yeah don't pull that bullshit on my podcast to be honest i feel bad about it cut it um it's basically just about it honestly like the i gotta get used to doing this obviously if this show actually goes uh it's basically about i play this guy uh who ends up he gets divorced. It's a pass. I'm sorry, you guys. That's a pass. That's it.

That's how I pitched it, too. It's a workplace comedy multi-cam. I end up a character like me who's recently divorced and has a daughter who lost his job. Which is true for you. I mean, in a lot of ways. You're recently divorced and you got a daughter. I think I have a daughter. I mean, she said she was, but I didn't believe her.

I pushed her away. What would your daughter be named? What would your daughter's name be? Fast. Gotta be fast. Delilah. Delilah? What would your daughter's name be? Fast. Gotta be fast. Delilah. Delilah? What's your son's name?

Go, fast. Are you gonna name your kid Boston? No, I can't, but that's a good name because you can't even make fun of that. Nickname it? Boss. Boston, you know? Bossy.

You need names you could yell. Delilah! You know what I mean? Delilah's good. That's a good yelling name. Boston, get the fuck over here! Boston! Put it down! Sorry, boss! You know, there mean? Delilah's good. That's a good yelling name. Boston, get the fuck over here. Boston. Put it down.

Sorry. Boss. You know, there's something good there. Yeah, there's no way to turn that into a shit name. Buster. I should name my kids that. Come here, Buster. It's also your dog.

Boston, Buster, Brian. Buster Boston. Boston and Delilah. My kids are going to be... What are my kids' names? My boy's going to be called Axe. A-X-E. That's good.

And my daughter's going gonna be named No. No? No. You're gonna have an Asian wife? Yeah, yeah. No. No. Is that racist?

What are we allowed to say anymore? Dude, you can be as racist as you want. All my fans are racist. I could see it. You know that. No, you can say whatever you want. You can say anything that you want. We'll get into that in a second, I think.

We'll get into all that good jazz. Because I can't stand this shit anymore give it to me right now all right i will um why are we so pc why i can't stand it i don't think we are i think i think we're not that pc i think what's really going on is uh the the the the the the small amount of people that are yeah sip that right in the mic that's what i like to hear the small majority of people that are the small minority of people that are yelling yeah, sip that right in the mic. That's what they like to hear. The small minority of people that are yelling about something, they're not the big people. They're not all the people. Here's my problem. Yeah.

This is something, and obviously I'm not going to name names. It's going to be weird. Do it. I have a friend who has a son, and he was dealing with some things at school. And the argument that him and one of his best friends was having basically he accidentally like he didn't pants him or anything pulled his pants down by accident like trying to get him to sit in a seat when they're around girls and granted you're you're pre-teen teenager you're always going to be scared of women but didn't do anything caused a huge fight i'm going to go to the principal and say you sexually assaulted me

like they're throwing that word around 13 and i'm going yeah and i'm thinking about the time when i was in eighth grade and i'm in middle school and my only knowledge of high school was all those teen movies that came out yeah and i was like i want to be the jock because i want the girls totally so i bought those breakaway chicago bull pants and laker pants because i thought if i dress like a athlete then i'm an athlete i remember like the prettiest girls in school were walking by me. And I was like, are they looking at me? Because sometimes you felt like they were, even if they're talking shit.

They usually weren't. Yeah, they were looking through you a little bit. And my best friend, who's still my best friend to this day, I was best man at his wedding, he walks by me when these girls are looking at me and rips off my breakaway pants, my fall-forn breakaways,

and I still had Ninja Turtle underwear because it still fit my little penis. And so I kept it, and everybody laughed at me. me we hung out that afternoon this is somebody who just sits somebody down and now they're in this big back and forth talk and i was and he's telling me this because he's like my pseudo nephew and i was thinking like i've been in huge fistfights with my best friend where i've broken his collarbone yeah and i go to his house later that night and we're completely fine. Yeah, but dudes do that.

I just think that, I think these kids are getting so fucking sensitive and they're becoming a bunch of pussies. They're all pussies now, yeah. There's no, and it's so, so detrimental, I think, to the future because, to their psyche in the future

because when one person actually insults you, like, or actually hits you or attacks you, it's gonna be, you're gonna crumble you're gonna shatter yeah I think you gotta teach the kids that words don't mean shit

but also but the pantsing people is a whole different thing that was our generation pantsing someone was awesome yeah I had to pants this kid Matt in my music class

you had to yeah had to do it dude he had sweatpants on they were loose not tight oh yeah you have to I understood why he had to

tear the break away here's the thing about here's the thing about sweatpants that you're asking for you know to get the pants yeah if the if I can see that it's not tied because the strings are out over the top.

Sure. Dude, don't leave the door open if you don't want me to come in. That's on you. I de-pantsed Matt and I got his underwear as well. If you could back in the day. You got his underwear? Yeah, because back in the day, if you were able to get, because everybody back then wore tighty-whities.

So if you were able to get a grip tight enough, just right under his ass cheeks, I got right under his ass cheeks and ripped it right down. Like I could feel it, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grabbed the elastic, whoof and ripped it right down. Like I could feel it, dude. I grabbed the elastic, whoof, ripped it out. And his little cock was just waggling around. And everybody, we all laughed. He didn't, you know, he didn't.

But man, was that fucking fun. He's in a psych ward in upstate Illinois, man. Well, you know, you live and you learn. Killed 13 people. No. You know what? That means to me that seems like he grew some confidence. Yeah, he did. Well, he didn't grow a dick, though.

It's the same size. He sends pics from jail. Penises are always small when they're when they're when they're put out in public how are you how is yours fine now it's okay it's not a great cock what would you say what would you say average i'm not insecure about it yeah you're fine it's not something where i don't think a girl's ever gone whoa like you know you know the randy couture video that just came out of him jerking off do you know about this no you know who randy couture is right of course so randy couture has porn hub has a video of him jerking off do you know about this no you know who Randy Couture is of course so Randy Couture has

Pornhub has a video of him I think he was sending it to somebody yeah I know I watched it too but it's like him jerking off over the phone and he's obviously

sending it to some female or some shit yeah yeah yeah and um uh Rogan was like is that how was it

like was that fucked up and I was like you know what he's not gonna be happy about it being out But he won't be mad Cause it's a decent His dick's fine

That's nice That's a good position to be in If my dick leaked Yeah yeah yeah You know like in pictures I'd be like If pictures leaked I'd be like

Dude that's a bummer But I like I'm okay As long as it was a good pic You seem like you have a good penis I got a fine Very very fine penis I have some sex tips

From some exes And I You know One of them is get a bigger dick? Well, she said it. First thing, get a real cock. But I was thinking if this goes out, just the things I say and the way my penis looks, this is not, this is not a good look. Do you send dick pics ever? Never. I've never sent a dick pic. Never once? This penis is a personality. It's not a shower. You know, it's somebody who you could talk to. You're a grower, not a shower? I don't think I'm a grower.

Or you're not even a grower? I think I'm more of a grower. I'm not a Bobby Lee situation here. Oh, yeah. His is embarrassing. Yeah, but it fits him. Yeah, it does. It literally does.

That bulbous belly he's got, that fucking big rice bowl on his stomach. He looks like his penis. He does. He looks like his little tiny cute penis. He has a beautiful awesome girlfriend so life's good when I saw his dick for the first time

at the comedy store I thought it was gonna have one of those little like Asian rice patty hats on top of it I just naturally I thought it would just be on there

I remember there was a first time I saw his penis because if you're friends with Bobby you're gonna see it it's a fact years ago

I was in college too doing stand up and I was a buddy of mine Vinny Oshana who's another funny guy he's still around yeah he's a funny guy you ago, I was in college too doing stand-up, and I was a buddy of mine, Vinny Oshana, who's another funny guy. He's still around? Yeah, he's a funny guy. You made it sound like he died. Well, I didn't mean to.

He's still fit. What does that have to do with anything? Jesus Christ. I judge men by appearance. I know you do. Oh, he's doing well. Look at his body. Anyway, I remember he was doing this thing like,

God, man, this hurts. And it was some weird thing he would do where he would act like he's like, oh, man, something hurts down here. And he'd pull out like his balls or something and act like it's inflamed and like and squeeze it yeah so now it's up and it'd be a funny joke and bobby saw that he goes how did you do that and he told him and then we all went to eat and i remember we're back at the improv getting our cars after we ate yeah places closed and bobby tries it but his penis was small and he couldn't get so his penis was small and he couldn't get

so his penis was out and he didn't know it was out so he basically was just showing us everything his whole penis he goes oh look

my ball's swollen and we look down and I go your penis is swollen that's your penis dude that's not your balls that's also your penis and the way he looked at us

and with slight embarrassment because he's never embarrassed and he went oh like that oh my bad oh I'm so sorry I laughed so hard i threw my hat into the street i've never done that before no you love hats you don't do that i know especially you know

if there's a breeze i don't want my no no fuck that hair out there i can't wait to get some awesome surgery dude i'm gonna look like sonic the hedgehog with the spikes huge spike it up and people are gonna be like what'd you do to your hair? Nothing. Sonic. I went to Mr. Sonic. I got to Sonic. My buddy in high school, Brian, this kid Brian, his, you know, some people have stretchier nutsacks. I don't know how stretchy yours is.

Mine's not that stretchy. Mine's kind of stretchy, but like, dude, he used to be able to pull it and do over his legs, you know, do the flying bat or whatever the fuck it was called. That sucks.

Yeah, but he could do that. I was impressed, you know? But see, I guarantee too, you felt a little insecure. Well, dude, I felt. If he could do it, why can't I do it? But see, I guarantee, too, you felt a little insecure. Well, dude, I felt... If he could do it, why can't I do it? Maybe I have small... It was less insecure and more about the fact that I couldn't believe he had so much sack skin.

I was like, damn, dude, you got so much sack... But then I thought... There's no kids in there. Now that I'm older, I know that his sack now is like a fucking duffel bag. It's a never-ending sack. It's going to be horrible. Mine's cute. Usually on this podcast, we have a little drink because it's called never ending sad it's gonna be horrible mine's cute usually on this

podcast we have a little drink cause it's called whiskey ginger but you know it's fucking earlier in the day and we fucked up

and for the fans that are mad that the last video we made didn't come out this one's probably gonna come out and we're late today on uploading

but shut the fuck up I've got stuff to do and so does Brent so we're having coffee instead but I do wanna know I do wanna try to hit on every guest the first time you got drunk. Do you remember the first time you got drunk?

Yeah. You do? First time I got drunk. I was late to the party. I was senior in high school, I think. That's not that late. 17, 18. I feel like that's pretty average.

Most people say around then. Yeah. What did you want to get liquored up at 10? Well, my first. Dude, I'm blacking out in fifth grade. First drink was eighth grade, I think. My aunt gave me that at a beach house. Once you tasted the sauce, boy, it was...

Well, that I was like, ew. Well, actually, I shared a Mike Hart lemonade with my little brother. It was my little brother who's a very flamboyantly gay man, even as a little child. We don't say gay on here, dude. You're right, homo. Yeah, a little homo. Gender something, blah, blah, blah. A little faganoid yeah only you get away with that i love your brother by the way he's

fucking awesome and he's always like this so me and my cousin were too scared to ask my aunt for a drink because we were like we're about to go to high school we gotta we gotta we gotta we gotta get one in yeah and so she walks over like quiet quiet, quiet. And my little brother goes, Debbie, can we get a beer? And she's like, yeah, well, sure. So Brendan had a beer and me and little bro shared a Mike's Hard. But I didn't get drunk until. You ripped a Mike's Hard though? Yeah, I didn't get drunk.

That won't get you drunk. No. You have to have like six of those. I didn't get drunk until I was a senior in high school. And that was. What was it on? Do you remember the liquor? That was beer.

Yeah, it was beer. Okay, not liquor. Yeah, they were like, dude, have some beer. Hated it. Yeah, I don't know, guys. I gave him the peer pressure. There were girls came over, too. It was a buddy's place.

Did you ever steal liquor? Did you ever do that? No. How'd you get it when you were in high school? Was it, hey, mister? Friends had it, because my house was a dry house. Nobody had beers in my house. But did you ever go play hey, mister?

You know what that is, right? Where you go ask people outside of a grocery store. You're like, hey, mister, can you go get me some fucking beer? No. You never did that? I grew up in Connecticut, so, I mean, my parents weren't rich but i had rich friends yeah and so they had wine cellars or you know oh shit or they had like full-on cabinets connecticut all that white money on business trips right right they're always gone fucking their mistresses and their second families we

played hey mister all the time hey mister was my favorite you just chill outside of a grocery store because in chicago you can sell alcohol grocery stores some places they can't do that uh-huh they can they do that in connecticut you say sell booze at grocery stores or no some of them you can yeah you can't serve you can't sell booze on sunday that's bullshit that's bullshit because it's god's day god invented it i know i never understood water to wine like in the see he was he was telling you he's like dude this stuff is going to fix a lot of your issues and cause more but abc stores in the South, that's what my dad grew up with in the South. ABC stores, you got to get government regimented liquor stores. You can't get liquor on Sundays.

God's day. So you know what they do? What? They stock the fuck up on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the difference? It doesn't matter. Yeah, you're not going to stop people.

It's like closing the bars at two will save you. It's like, no, man, you're just going to black out faster. Yeah, just legalize everything, by the way. Let it all go. I mean, alcohol is the only withdrawal that could actually kill you, by the way. Heroin, crack. None of that could kill you. Let it all go. I mean, alcohol is the only withdrawal that could actually kill you, by the way. Heroin, crack. None of that could kill you. Let's have it.

I bet it can. I mean, you could hallucinate, and then you can have seizures. You don't think a heroin withdrawal can kill you? No, I think the only one that actually can kill you from withdrawal is alcohol. Shuts down your body? Mm-hmm. You know what's so funny? We don't have anybody do research on this, but I can't wait until we get comments and

be like, that ain't right. Can I also tell you something? I'm the kind of guy who watches a trailer of like a World War II documentary and I know everything about it. So I really, I'm basing this off zero facts.

Yeah, no facts, no facts. But I committed to that pretty good, huh? You did. You sold me halfway. I do it all the time. You know, it's like if you go in a public restroom or like at a bar,

at a bathroom and they give you like a, there's an ad above the urinal and it has like weird statistics on it. You know, it's like 14% of people who drink at bars end up in car accident whatever yeah why do they have that at a bar because they don't want you to drink and drive well and you know what they're just saving their ass they don't care if you drink or drive nobody really they

don't care what they wouldn't have parking lots at some bars yeah it's an establishment for them yeah i don't know there should be a drinking and driving bar yeah yeah would it like you know you know in arizona they have uh drive-thru liquor stores you've been to those so fun yeah we were in college we used to do that shit all the time we would pull up in a pickup truck you'd order a keg of natty light for like natty light or keystone light no i'm not kidding when i was in college uh back in 1962 when i was in college a good time to go oh man when i was in college. That would have been a good time to go. Oh, man. When I was in college at Arizona State, there was a drive-up liquor store right next to campus. And my roommate at the time had a pickup truck.

And we'd go up, and the keg of Natty Light or Keystone was $39.99. Yeah, Natty Ice? $40 American dollars. Was it Natty Ice or Natty Light? Natty Light. Natty Ice was more expensive it Natty Ice or Natty Light? Natty Light. Natty Ice was more expensive because Natty Ice is higher in booze content. I remember just drinking that all the time in college.

Yeah, man. Garbage. The fact that we're calling it Natty Light is how much we were drinking that. It's around, I'm sure. I think it is. But now college kids are like, I'll take an IPA.

I don't think anybody drinks dog shit beer anymore. No, no. They don't drink dog shit beer anymore. They can't make fun of their friends anymore. They can't make fun of their friends. They can't drink bad beer. And they all have to You're all part of a movement. Yeah. And the way that they smoke pot now is really lame.

I've smoked pot for 20 years of my life. And I like smoking a little bit of pot sometimes. Sure. But now the kids with the way that they dab and all this concentrate. Come on, dude. It's always so funny to me. It's like these it's always like poor kids. This is mean. It's always like poor kids with no money that are like i'm gonna fucking smoke nine grams away dude it's like just smoke one and have money yeah you don't need to get that fucking high

that you that you just bake yourself for an entire afternoon get a little high on a little bit of flour yeah and be good yeah i don't know why the new culture wants to smoke so much pot i sound like my fucking dad isn't it amazing- You're smoking too much pot. You get a little older and then all of a sudden you kind of take over some things that your parents did. Dude, so many things. I mean, I don't have a family or a love or a wife or a girlfriend or anybody to rely on me.

You have nobody. I could disappear and no one would know for weeks. Hey, I would know. I would know. I would notice. That's true. Yeah. You'd be like, where's Brent?

I'd be sad. I'd go, where the fuck is Brent? No, you know what? It would take longer for. Yeah. You'd be like, where's Brent? I'd be sad. I'd go, where the fuck is Brent? No, you know what? It would take longer for you guys because you'd be like, oh, he's got to be on the road or something. Maybe shoot a movie. No, D'Leo would text me. Oh, really?

Yeah, D'Leo would text me and go, have you seen Brent? And then it would click. But you'd have been dead in the mountains for weeks by that time. Oh, 100%. Yeah. You know what it would be? It would be, I would have like a THC soda because I have no idea what that is. I'd be like, what is this thing?

And then next thing you know, I would jump. You know, Brent drove out to Joshua Tree and killed himself. What? Yeah, one THC soda killed him. He wrote a book, although he only wrote like one paragraph and the rest are just pictures. Like, what? Yeah, he wasn't a really focused guy.

No, not the smartest friend we have, but a really sweet dude. Really good guy. Oh, but you know what? We jumped for a second. Your first time you got fucked up on beer And you And you And you

Your aunt gave it to you No How did you get it That was That was like my buddy Drew and Alan And like everybody Was boozing

And they're like You gotta drink I was so scared To drink Because I like Looked up to my father So much And my dad

Has been sober 33, 34 years Has he really Yeah so I mean He was sober Before I was born. Damn. So the house was dry. Was it because you were born?

Like a lot of times the wives are like, no more boozing when we have kids. Well, that was definitely a part of it. That was something my mom did say when he held me. He was like a different man. You're the oldest. No. No, you, that's right.

I have a brother that's eight years older than me. That's right, you have an older brother. Yeah, my parents took a break And then you know Either way Dude that's tight But he would scare the shit out of me So I never broke curfew

Right You know he was a dad He wasn't a friend And then you know He would tell me If I ever catch you drinking You're not going to college Which I was like

A little counterproductive But also you might not Have gone to college anyway Because you're an idiot I was a fucking moron I spent five of my seven classes Senior year At a desk in the hall

That's true Really Oh yeah Because you couldn't Stop fucking around Yeah Because by then I didn't care I knew I was going to LA I spent five of my seven classes senior year at a desk in the hall. That's true. Really? Oh, yeah. Because you couldn't stop fucking around? Yeah, because by then I didn't care. I knew I was going to LA. I knew what I was going to do. And I was like, I just want to be in the hall.

So they would set me up in the hall and give me assignments. And my little brother's going for Val Victorian. He's a doctor now. And so he'd see me in the hall going, well, well, well. Look who it is. Somebody couldn't cut it in class. I go, shut up, Matt. I go, I want to be in the hall. Did couldn't cut it in class. I go, shut up, Matt. I want to be in the hall.

Did you finish your little assignments? I go, shut up. Let you go compete with another Asian girl for Val Victorian. And he did. Yeah. And he did and he won. Oh, he lost? Yeah, he lost to somebody named Chung or something.

And that's not racist. Her last name is Chung. No, it probably was. Connie Chung. Maybe it was Williams. Maybe I am racist. I don't know. It is. Who knows? It was a white dude. dude yeah so i had to act like i would be like i'm going to the movies and i'm sleeping at alan's place i always said movies i couldn't say i was going

to a party well the movies was great because back in the day if you went to a movies you could kill two or three hours of dead time when your parents were like i guess they're just in the movies yeah my dad was like now as an adult and i talked to him about that stuff he goes i know you weren't at the movies never he goes there's not that many movies in the theater. Nah. He goes, and you weren't at Alan's house. I knew you were at this house. And I was like, oh, because I thought he would like.

He's like, Alan moved six years ago. Also, the movie thing was funny. It was like if you had to meet somebody at the fucking movies and you were like, dude, you know, movies at 730. And you got there at 730 and nobody was there. And you're like, I guess I'm just watching this movie. Because there was no way to fucking be like, yo, are you guys not at the like yo i used to skip school to go to the movies by myself like did you i would leave my little desk in the hall sometimes and because by senior year dude i love the image of you i love the image of you in a fucking hallway doing shit and all the security guards like what up brent like everybody

knows you because that's your space i was sent to the office like i'd say like 80 something times senior year principal's office oh yeah but i used to go down there, and I never got in trouble. Did you ever get suspended? No, no, no. They wouldn't even reprimand me. My vice principal, who was like the disciplinary, she was so impressed with my ability to sing and dance and do stupid things. Yeah, you were a multi-hyphenate.

So I would just go in, and I would do jokes with all the secretaries and then the vice principal. So you'd use the cuteness and ruse them up and so they'd be like Brent's back like Brent Brent do something what happened this weekend and then they would ask me to sing and stuff you're looking at Mr. Suspension dude I got fucking clipped constantly dude I got clipped so much it was insane the one time this girl moved from England this girl Lisa yeah and she moved from England and you know I was such a piece of shit it was like my freshman year

and I was mocking her on the bus you know and I would just like do her accent and be this goofy bad British accent and you're good at accents

yeah and so the whole bus would laugh and then the fucking bus driver was like you boys me and these two twin brothers it's always twins dude it's always twins

they're either dorks or they're bullies yeah by the way they were both they were like dork bullies and she made us sit at the front of the bus right and we sit at the front of the bus, right? And we sat at the front of the bus

and then while we were doing that, we had a bunch of the fucking loose leaf paper and we were writing jokes and phrases on it and we would hold it up so the whole bus would laugh. And it was all sorts of

filthy, mean, fucked up shit. You know, like Lisa Johnson eats bangers and mash. Lisa Johnson ate my banger and mash or whatever the fuck it was. And, oh, we'll have to blank that name. Should have said a full name. No, this is years ago. What the fuck is it? mash or whatever the fuck it was. And, oh, we'll have to blank that name. Should have said a full name. No, this is years ago.

What the fuck is it? You know what? Fuck it. She's fine. Also, there's a lot of- She's a grown up. Yeah, she's a grown up now. But anyway, the point is, we're writing all these fucking mean signs to the back of the

bus, you know, to these bad British jokes, you know, like, I want to eat her crumpet, you know what I mean? And all that stuff. It was so bad. And of course, we get off the bus. I take mine in my backpack. One of the fucking dipshit twins leaves some of them on the bus bus driver notices what's going on she takes them to the principal's office the next day we get called in the dean sorry the dean's office and dude I'm not kidding

on my fucking mother this was the best suspension I've ever had because he had a stack of these fucking papers yeah and he's like you think this is funny belittling someone you think this is funny you think this this is what you guysling someone, you think this is funny? You think this is what you guys think is good and cool? He goes, I'm gonna read every one of these off and for every time you laugh, it's a day of suspension.

Come on, bro. You think I'm not gonna laugh when the dean of the school is saying I wanna eat Lisa's crumpets and shit? I wanna munch her crumpets? He's sitting there reading all these off

and they're filthy. They're getting filthier and filthier, you know? We're losing it. We're losing it. We're losing it, but I'm loving it. Do you think that he thought that would go, like that backfired on him and he had dinner with his wife later that night

and he goes, man, I really thought I was gonna get through to these kids and I started reading these jokes off. Well, what were they? Well, let me read them to you. Tell me if these are funny. And she's laughing too. Yeah, she's losing it.

It's pretty funny shit, man. Those kids are funny. No, he knew. He knew we could, you know when you hold in a laugh in school and it hurts but it feels so good? Do you remember that feeling? Oh, yeah. You'll never have that ever again, by the way. No.

That's youthful shit. And there were always the kids, like my best friend, well, he ended up, like his family had money, so he was such a mess up in middle school that they sent him to like a nice, fancy boarding school. Oh, yeah. Isn't that funny when you fuck up that you go somewhere nicer? Yeah. It's kind of like when you become a drug addict, they're like, you get out to malibu and fix yourself you're like i can't wait to do that yeah

dude i always say i go i need my show to be a hit before i can go to malibu and enjoy that isn't that funny yeah the worst off in life you get if you have money they're like you got to go figure this out but you got to do it in a very nice clean safe with four meals and brunch on sundays and yoga yeah and then go back to your place that That's why people relapse. They're like, this place sucks. I want to go back. I want to go back. But I remember I used to hold in laughs with him because he didn't care.

He was more ballsy than me. Yeah. And it would always be authority figures he would go after. And then, of course, because his family had money, he was able to go to a nice, fancy school. He got out of everything, right? When you got money, you can get out of everything. Yeah, you just send your kid to a $40,000 a year overnight boarding school.

Then you end up, you know, they pay until you get good grades. You go to a nice school. Was your town small enough? Because I know you came, it's not that big of an area, right? No, where I came from wasn't. And it was, you know, my parents are. Like how many people do you think are in the town? You know, it wasn't that bad actually.

Because I think my graduating class was like 1,200 or something. Oh shit, for real? That's a lot of people. Yeah. That's more than I thought. Yeah, it wasn't that bad, actually, because I think my graduating class was like 1,200 or something. Oh, shit. For real? That's a lot of people. That's more than I thought. Yeah. It was bigger. My parents were inner city high school teachers, but everybody around us was like people that would go to New York or Boston, you know, because we were an hour and a half from both.

What's the name of the town again? South Windsor. South Windsor. I made my best friend. It even sounds like you have to say South Windsor. You know what I love about it? Wikipedia. If you Wikipedia South Windsor, I'm a notable resident.

Are you? They have all these old school, like 1816. Man, there must have been nobody from there. No. There's like old school people I probably should have learned about. Not Ben Franklin, but one of those types. Alan Wakefield invented the candle in South Windsor. And Brent Morin is a TV boy.

You know what? Did you see me trying to think of a name? I couldn't think of one. Timothy. I was going to say Chalamet. Fuck. You only do famous people that you already know? Man, I got to read.

I was thinking about this. I have to start reading. Yeah, you know, no, no, no, no, no. I think I like where you're at. I like where you're at. Mentally, look, Brent, you're not going to get any smarter, but you're not going to get dumber. That's true.

And I'm okay with it. I can fake it pretty well. Yeah, look at how far you've gotten. Can I tell you something? I've learned this. There's's something about and I know people at home will think this too Like when you're because we've both been on television. We've both done talk shows both been comedians and entertainers Yeah, they probably think like oh man girls. They must they must come up to you and blah blah blah cute We're cute guys guys, dude. Here's what I learned my brother being a doctor I've been trying to find somebody that isn't an actress or model today in my life right and so i was like

well what if i made a doctor learn this i met this girl through my brother he introduced me to some doctors and i said what's her deal and my brother goes no and i go why he goes you're a clown she does surgery and i And I realize, oh, to other circles, we're jesters. They don't give a shit about us. She can't go to her surgery buddies and be like, so what's your husband do?

He's a Canadian. Can you pass the scalpel? What did you say? Well, he tells jokes about his dick. Can you just, like there's no way, how am I gonna get a doctor? While she's washing her hands,

you know how they do about a sink? It's like, so I heard you got married. Like, who'd you get married to? He was in the entertainment industry. What? He was in the entertainment industry. Oh. On a show on Datapoll.

They name all your credits? He was on Chelsea lately when I was around. He did a half hour on Comedy Central. I was viewed by nine people. He's a good dude. He's in a strip mall in San Antonio right now doing shows.

Could you pass? Yeah, you can. That's also true. I know. I talked about that yesterday to somebody about how people think they have money in the entertainment industry.

And people at home, there's a lot of people that think everyone that acts that's on TV is a multi-multi-millionaire. You're like, bro, opposite, opposite. In fact, real money,

I remember this. When I first moved to LA I was like at like a a party with like UCLA kids or some shit. Oh yeah. And another kid had said to another kid he's like what does your dad do?

And the other guy goes my dad's in plastics. That's it. I'm in it. So you know that's a lot of money. When you're in it what is that even fucking it's not like

Plastics. Yeah you're not like my dad like from the Midwest he'd be like my dad works for Rubbermaid you know like he makes the tops in it. So you know that's a lot of money. When you're in it, what is that even fucking? It's not like. Plastics. Yeah, you're not like my dad. Like from the Midwest, he'd be like, my dad works for Rubbermaid. You know, like he makes the tops for Tupperware. You know? No, this guy's like, my dad's in plastics, which means my father fucking owns plastics. Oh, yeah. That's real money.

It's real money. I've been around the same thing. Something happens in our business where people think, oh, man, you must be doing well. First off, when you're on the road, I would love any girl I've ever hooked up with on the road. Come see my apartment. Which've ever hooked up with on the road, come see my apartment. Which is about two or three. Yeah, oh my God.

Well, I lie about a lot of them. I didn't know how to do this. I lied. Yeah, you broke the mic. I didn't know how to. But I was like, just, you know what, you think you're, like, I'm gonna get you out of this small town, come see my apartment.

Come see my small town. And bring some quarters for the laundry. Because I've hung out with people who come for money and I'm like, oh my God. Have you ever fallen in love on the road, by the way? In the sense of, have you ever met a girl that you hung out with that you were like, wow, dude, fuck, I mean, I don't know, maybe.

Yes, but that's atmosphere for me because I'm a very, I'm a hopeless romantic and I think, not in the greatest way, I think I've romanticized movies as a kid. And so if I'm in a place like New York in the fall or when I was in London, I could go and I meet somebody pretty and we go on a bike ride and I'm like, I'm staying. I've had many moments where I go, I'm staying.

You're a Hallmark channel, bro. This is a movie from the Hallmark channel. And then you try to communicate when you get home and then you're like, this is it. The man from the big city comes out to just little town us. You know, when Chris and I used to go,

Delia, Delia, Chris Delia, by the way, for everybody at home. It's not Delia. Anyway, it's got an apostrophe

in his name. It's stupid. Delia. Delia. We used to do this thing when I was opening for him way back and we were playing

little shitholes, terrible towns. We used to have this running joke where we'd be walking through the mall because there's nothing else to do

when you're in a small town. You go to the mall. Walk around. So we're walking around the joke where we'd be like walking through the mall because there's nothing else to do when you're in a small town. You go to the mall. So we're walking around the mall and it'd be like a shitty mall with shitty people and everybody's ugly. And I'd be walking. Oh dude, you're making fans all over the country. I'd be walking, I didn't say the place.

I'd be walking or Chris would be walking and one of us would stop and go, like Chris would go, Brent, Brent. And I go, where are you? And I turn around and I go, what? And he would go, Brent, Brent. And I go, where are you? And I turn around, I go, what? And he would go, I'm staying. I go, Chris, no. He goes, I'm staying, Brent.

And we would do that all the time. Like we'd stay at a shitty condo and it'd be a terrible pool with like fat kids. And name the place. And I'd be floating around and I'd hear, Brent, Brent. And some kid's probably pissing next to him. I go, what? And he goes,

I'm staying. And it became a running joke to make it sound the best. What's the shittiest place you guys performed together? Do you remember? You don't have to dump on the place, but what was the worst experience?

Well, you know what? I would have to, he, when I was back then opening for him, I don't really remember playing a really shitty,

like a terribly shitty place with him. You were still in good shape. I've played terribly shitty places. Right. But when you guys were together, it was like fine. Yeah, he still was always selling tickets. So he was, I don't remember a time when he wasn't. That's true.

Did you ever do triple runs? Did you ever do those? What's that? Oh, you don't know that? No. Triple run was this guy, he created a bunch of BC rooms for kind of like you know up and coming

comics who had barely enough time and uh they were like speckled across the northwest so like you could make a run to like go through like reno and wyoming and all sorts of like you know south dakota and like a bunch of that montana had a room i did that i did that this this triple run fucking twice i think I did it two times and it was the most miserable shit on the planet I actually lost money because I got

two speeding tickets really? yeah one going up one going down cried cried in my car and then I did whippets with locals in Nevada

well you have to ended up under a pool table it was like one of the worst nights of my life I remember all those times some cute chick was like you do MTV? you do MTV?

yeah I do MTV oh so it's just punk time? yeah it was when I did punk oh wow yeah when I did punk time you do MTV? I said yeah and do MTV yeah I do MTV oh so this was punk time yeah it was when I did punk oh wow yeah when I did punk time you do MTV I said yeah and she goes

you wanna get high with us I said definitely definitely anything to forget this yeah whatever I can do to blank out from being here and I remember fucking sitting in my motel

motel room the motel times I remember those dude and I opened the fucking curtains and I looked out and it was a coke machine that's where my

that my window was a coke machine that was the saddest shit and it was a Coke machine. That's where my window was, a Coke machine. It was the saddest shit. Dude, it was so fucking depressing. Jerking off was sad. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

Where you're kind of outside yourself thinking about like. So depressing. Like you're thinking like, it even gets to the point where you start thinking about like old friends going, I wonder what Brent's doing right now. And you're in a motel with the sound of a Coke machine outside and just playing with your little penis. Yeah, the hum with bad internet. The hum of a coke machine when a windstorm was blowing through the desert

as I'm jerking off just sad, so sad. This is before internet porn on your phone. You got into my laptop. I was broke as shit. I'm jerking off

to the hum of a coke machine, the wind whipping across the window in a motel in the middle of fuck off Nevada and I'm crying a little bit. Even my jizz didn't want to come out. My jizz was like, this is pathetic. a motel in the middle of fuck off Nevada and I'm crying a little bit even my jizz

didn't want to come out my jizz was like this is pathetic we're staying in the nuts we're staying in the nuts we don't want to stay here don't kill us here this is embarrassing

I could have been a doctor I could have been a doctor it's like a slow comes out just yeah he's sad hey even the penis is sad

hey yeah you know girls don't is sad Hey Yeah you know Girls don't know about that Nah you know when you're depressed People don't know And you're trying to jerk off Cause you're like I gotta get this out

Cause I wanna maybe feel A little something Yeah something nice And the moment that you come Your dick goes soft That's how you know you're depressed Like the moment you come Your dick's like fine I'm done

You know like it goes right back to bed I like that your penis is gay Fine I'm done See this is why I couldn't date a doctor no yeah because with this kind of bullshit

at a restaurant please no but you know those days that I think doing those shitty those shitty rooms are so good for you

that whole joke that whole joke that whole like I'm staying man does that make you that humanizes you it's great when you have a buddy

like he was able like now I get to go on the does that make you, that humanizes you. It's great when you have a buddy. Humbles you. Now I get to go on the road and like, you know, I mean, Jason Collins I get to bring and it's great when you have a buddy because even if it's like a shitty ticket sale, that's the big thing we think about now. It's like, man, I want to sell tickets. Fuck yeah. In some cities you do in markets, you're like, okay, that's good. Right.

We all want to get there and it will happen, but it just happens at different times for people. It's nice when you have somebody like, Jason is the best ball buster, so he'll be like, dude, it is packed out there. And I'm like, really? He goes, yeah, take a look, take a look. And then I look, it's like 15 people,

and he goes, it's pretty good for you, right? And I go, damn it, Jason. He goes, no, it's okay, it's all right. You should quit. You need that. Yeah, you need that. We need our friends to do that kind of shit. He's been opening for Russell Peters, right?

Yeah. I see pictures of him at like arenas and shit. Now he's playing like where the Raptors play. And it's good because he's going to do the next leg of the tour. And like he's just somebody. He's one of the people that's so talented that I'm like, but you know, he started older and this business discriminates age. I do.

He started at 66 years old. That's nuts. Yeah. Age as well. He's got president hair. So I don't really feel bad about it. His kids could be president now. They're over 50. His kids are...

No, hey, are you doing a big tour in 2019? Are you going out or no? I'm trying to. Because you've got to work on the show. So if the show goes, you're going to have no time to go out. If the show goes, I'm not going to have time, but I'm going to try because I want to shoot my next hour at some point in the summer. That's what I really want to do.

Don't rush it. Well, it's been like, now it's been over two years. So what? Two and a half years. I know, but I have something to say out there, dude. Okay, that's more. I've been reading like,

well not like books. I know you haven't been reading. But synopsises of stuff. And I got things to say. You look at abridged versions of Twitter quotes. I know that. I was thinking about doing, I was just thinking about like,

the next special wouldn't be this, but I want to do a special where I want to call it reading. And it's where I actually read like the stuff that's on the summer book list, you know, that people had to read. And then. But you don't read the books?

No, I actually do this time. Because I never used to read the books. I used to speed read. Did you speed read? All the time. Or you read the, well, it didn't work that way for me. I'd read the first and last paragraph of every chapter.

Oh yes. And then you read the first sentence Of every paragraph in between That's called cheat read Oh okay Cheat read Speed read is when you put your finger Have you ever seen this? Oh yeah

Oh yeah That's like a legitimate way to read If you just put your finger on the words And go over them Can't You'll pick up every four words I end up going backwards Oh Brent you don't know how

Well I mean I'll be on page 10 I go back to page one Ba-dum-bam Oh no Look at that bit huh We'll be right back After this commercial break

Now get the fuck out of here Ba-dum-bam! Look at that bit, huh? We'll be right back after this commercial break. Now get the fuck out of here! Ba-dum-bam! From Triscuits! I couldn't be more overwhelmed. But so if the show goes, you'll have to stick around. You won't be able to do it. Yeah, which would be nice, because it's impossible to build any kind of relationship

with anybody when you're a traveling gypsy. Yeah, it sucks. It fucking sucks. I mean, it's okay now now because i'm back to like full single brent and that's fun because i single brent yeah because now it's like i'm i definitely want like the next person to be somebody i like actually have a freaking thing with and like maybe have a family with one day i would like that what's your longest relationship two years you know that's like the average length i think for for quote unquote when someone's like my longest

is two or three yeah that's always two years um and you're right and your ex died so that's a crazy thing that's how that's why it ended thank you whoops no but alive and flourishing alive she's great so so so no we're friends i hope she's doing well she's not watching this shit anyway no i know so so probably hanging out with some hot guy. Oh, come on. You were a hot guy. You know what's so fucked up? You're a hot guy. I actually took that as a compliment. You're a hot guy.

I actually was like, was I? Was I a hot guy? I'm on a stupid diet. I hate everything. You get older and then all of a sudden weight can go on so easily. I hate this. You're not drinking or you're not. I'm not drinking right now.

Let me blow your spot up because I texted Brent me and D'Leo were going out to get something to eat and I texted Brent and I said hey let's go get a coffee or food and he said I can't eat before 2 yeah I can't I'm fasting too imagine what your friends back home would say what would the Boston people say about that they're dead

the Connecticut folk what do you mean you can't fucking eat before 2 bro fuck that dude I eat 40 pancakes before 2 p.m., bro. How are you not in a movie that takes place in Boston? Because, dude, Matt Damon won't answer my fucking phone calls. You could have been in Stronger. Was that the name of it?

Yeah. Very nice. Could have been in that. But this sounds like anything else when someone's like, hey, man, how come you're not in movies? That's kind of like how my aunt was like, how come you don't do Ellen? You're like, how come I don't do Ellen? Fucking, you know. i don't do ellen fucking you know honestly you're 100 right that is exactly what people say to me how come you're not in a marvel movie by the way have you seen you know ellen has a new stand-up special i haven't seen it i saw a clip and it actually looked funny no i

haven't i mean not seen it but you saw that it's out it's coming out yeah yeah the new york times put out an article yesterday that was like um it was a great it was great bait it was great bait by the way New York Times shout out great fucking clickbait it said Ellen DeGeneres it is not as nice as you think she might be and and by the way then you open the fucking articles I was like oh shit is it gonna say some juicy shit nah it's an interview with her yeah where she basically says I can't be happy and dancey all the time you know fans come up to me and sometimes I'm like I I'm not in the mood to be happy. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. But that's not what I wanted to fucking hear. It's a great clickbait. You're right. Yeah. I wanted to hear someone go, yeah, dude, she's a fucking asshole. Like, I wanted to hear that kind of juice, you know? But they also did quote her money line, too.

She was making $85 million a year. What's that like? You know what it's like? Do you think you could ever? And she's married to fucking Portia de Rossi. You know how great? She lives like Every teenage boy

Wants to live That's like I married Portia de Rossi I make 85 million And I just get to dance And fuck around on TV And have a good time And I drive a Porsche

Porsches Porsche Or Porsches Ellen's living that life I hope this special's good man It's cool to see some people Come back and do comedy specials I think some of them

Are gonna be People like her That have been doing They were road comics For 20 years That I'm cool like that. I'm always excited. She's a,

she was a, she is a comedian. She is a comedian and she did it for 20 years playing all the shitholes we played and, uh, and play, uh, still play past.

And this weekend I'll be at what I can't fucking stand. It's definitely like who, like I don't care that much cause I end up telling myself who cares. I can't stand that stand because I end up telling myself, who cares, Brent? I can't stand that stand-up on paper is so easy. It's a mic and a stage that actors just start showing up at places that we spent six years to be in. Go ahead and name a name. Who?

Come on. Do it. Who? Piven. Piven's bothering you. I mean, I haven't seen his act, but it's the idea that, like, okay, I get it. If you want to try it,

you want to do it, fine. Because at the end of the day, whatever fame you have lasts about three minutes and then you got to be funny. Right. But the fact that you're

on this Saturday show at a top club or you know, it's like, really? Right, right, right, right, right. That people just do it kind of for fun.

Yeah, and then they, yeah, I did, I'm a comedian. It's like, no, you're not,

you know? You had to say, I can just do, I'll do it No I don't know If Piven tours or whatever I don't know his stuff I think he does tour

I think he does tour I'm using him as an example Because I see it happen You'll see actors That just get on stage Yeah And they might get a laugh Chris Hemsworth

He's touring dude He's doing the improvs To be honest with you He would crush The fucked up thing is I would I'd be such a hypocrite because I'd want to be friends

with him so bad what do you mean yeah he looks so cool who's your most famous friend most famous friend Prince no he's dead Brent

what the guy that just found out who is my most famous friend who's the most famous person that you've kicked it with that you're like I can't believe I'm kicking it with fucking XYZ

well I mean honestly athletes are my favorite athletes are yeah like blake griffin blake's cool yeah blake's cool well he does fucking stand up see there you go yeah but he's an athlete it's different to me that's so funny you know the lines that we draw yeah as a straight male because i've seen him get on stage and do stand up here's the thing with him though he's he's funny but i what i like about him he's funny because you like him a lot of comics do this game but uh but what I like about him. He's funny because you like him. A lot of comics do this game. But what I like about him, though, is that he likes to hang around comics and study comics. He does. He does.

And go on podcasts and talk to comics about comedy. Yeah. He'll talk about comedy the way I want to ask him about practice. Yeah, but I don't get to go shoot around. You know what I mean? It's like Gronkowski, and I'm a New Englander and a Patriot fan, so I love Gronkowski. I didn't know he even tried stand-up. He just had a special come out. So I don't know if he just said. Who, Gronkowski, and I'm a New Englander and a Patriot fan, so I love Gronkowski. I didn't know he even tried stand-up. He just had a special come out.

So I don't know if he just said- Who, Gronk? Yeah. He had something on Showtime or something. Oh, right. He featured other people. Right, right, right. And then all of a sudden, he's just got a special.

How did that happen? I don't see him anywhere. On Netflix, right? I guess. Who cares? Netflix? Everybody has a fucking special. Kids from Stranger Things are going to do a goddamn sketch show.

You have a special on Netflix? Yeah, I know, but I earned a goddamn special. Ooh, look at that. Look at that heat coming off of Brad. You're smoking right now, dude. Yeah, you think this is Justin from Undateable? It is.

I fucking swear. No, but it is, though. It still is Justin from Undateable. There's no doubt. Actually, that's great character work, by the way. Justin didn't have a beard. That was the only difference.

And he drank lemon drops, and he liked Disney love and Brent was a very deeply disturbed Solov taking whiskey drinker at the time so but now you like lemon drops in Disney movies so it's back to square one man

see how this is cyclical see how it goes back around I gotta do a movie about heroin to get tough to get credit people go whoa this dude's tough that's kind of like Vince Vaughn

had a movie just come out last year or maybe it was this year in 2018 about fuck what was it called

people are gonna be like you know about like he went to prison it's like fighting in prison and shit oh yeah I saw that somewhere

Brawl in Cellblock 99 damn dude but I think it's because for so many years Vince Vaughn as we know him was this fucking hysterical

Fast talking character actor Who was like Amazing at that thing That's my number one I want to work with Swingers set the tone For what Vince would be For the good majority

Of his career Oh yeah Cause Swingers Was pretty much just a Freshman Freshman or sophomoric Version of what you saw In Wedding Crashers

Oh 100% It was the same character And you could see One of the things I do notice too. And it crushed by the way. And you see this with guys like Will Ferrell.

Actors who aren't necessarily funny. Yeah. Their idea of funny is imitating people like Vince or Will. That's right because those guys

are fucking hysterical. Yeah. But you know what's up? But are those guys like I suffer from the same thing in terms of like I want to be as funny as I can. Sure.

Like right now I'm shooting this FX pilot and I'm trying to be as funny as I can. But then there's moments where I'm like, you know, it's funny to be not funny too. Like Will Ferrell did a movie called Everything Must Go. It was really sad about an alcoholic father who was to sell everything on his lawn. It was wonderful, man. I really liked it. I don't think it got a lot of acclaim. No. But like sometimes funny actors don't want to be that funny because they're like, I just want you to see me as a dude sometimes. And it's easier for a comedian to go into a dramatic role than it is for a dramatic actor to go into a comedy, in my mind.

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's because comedy is hard to do. So if you already have the comedy, I still think you have to work hard to be good at drama as a comedian. Sure. But yes, you're right. I also think many people- think i read some drama scripts and i go what the hell can i what do i do with it what are you gonna bring to it yeah because i don't know what else to do

deliver me a dramatic line here's the line deliver me this line watch this um he drove away and i don't think he's ever coming back okay Okay. Turn away and give it to me. Where am I? Who am I saying this to? Oh, you want me to set up the whole tone? Yeah. Okay. So he drove away, and I don't think he's ever coming back. You're a young 18-year-old boy who now has to be the man of the house.

You have to run the farm. And your father, who's a drunk, has left home. Great. What you think is the last time. Got it. Yeah. And who are you, though? I'm your fucking mother.

Okay. Okay. So, okay, now I gotta run the thing. All right. Hey, Joe. Hey. He's never coming back. Oh, eat your fucking pancakes, you little bitch.

That's good. That was really good. Thank you. He's never coming back. I believed it. Because he's 18. He's not going to give up her full dramatic. Yeah, that's good.

He's going to have a wall. He's put up a wall. Mom, he drove away. He's never coming back. Let him go. Here's how I would do it. Nice. Here it is.

Ready? Uh-huh. And we're at breakfast. Great. That's never coming back. Let it go. Here's how I would do it. Nice. Here it is. Ready? Uh-huh. And we're at breakfast. Great. That's why I said a pancake, right? I mean, say, what do you think happened? You're my mom. Say, what do you think happened?

What do you think happened? Oh, no. Dad's gone. He's not coming back. Can I tell you something? Brilliant. Here's why. Because you're special, obviously.

Yes. See? And Dad's going to get you nominated. No, Dad's gone. He's not coming back. but I'm stoked about it. Oh, I'd be in a theater crying. It's like when I... Oh, he doesn't know.

To call back me skipping school to see movies. I remember I was on my outside desk, and I went, oh, radio just came out, and I went and saw radio. I'm radio. Remember that movie? I loved radio. I loved radio.

I was crying in that movie. Ed Harris, Cuba Gooding Jr.? Oh, yeah. He played a handicapped dude who got picked on by the football team. And that was good because he went full and it was still you

know it worked. He was so good. He was a great actor. Isn't it ever weird. He's still around. Isn't he got a resurgence now. Oh he's awesome.

No he's fucking incredible. Isn't it ever weird that comics get to play mentally handicapped people and we're like totally chill about it. Isn't it weird kind of

that we're like that like people you're like you get to live in this character so deeply and people like wow man that's awesome. but there are mentally handicapped actors you could just hire i was gonna say yeah you're right it's a little weird that is weird it's a little weird i mean it's kind of like it's kind of like if a white dude did blackface that's true and you're like there's black people dude and you're like i know but i want to do it it's like when they hire

a british a lot of british actors to play like american i'm so tired of these i'm so tired of this fucking business hiring motherfuckers to play like what stop this is my impression of most actors doing like a drama today they do it hey yo what up man and then cut to them in the interview with a scarf well slot when i did the role you know compton is something i'm like you don't even know how to say it when i when we were shooting um nwa um it was such a great experience cut to the scene he's like you better back the fuck up before i fucking chop your dick off motherfucker and that was a scene where i took a lot of my pent-up youth and aggression and basically i just reshaped some of the anger from uh you know me not getting you know when i was

playing tallywack over in cheshire square ch Cheshire Square. Man, I really know nothing. They don't let us play them as much as we let them play us. And I'm fucking sick of it. I think Bill Burr had a funny quote about how he was tired of foreigners making fun of America. Like he was like, I'm not trying to dump on. Oh, I think I heard this. You know, that kid, The Daily Show. He's like, I'm not trying to dump on him.

He's like, we can shit on us just fine. I don't need a foreigner to come and also shit on us. But it is true. It is weird how we- John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Jim Jefferies. Well, yeah, Jim, yeah.

There's a lot of them. But I like- Did he say something, he goes, don't act like your world, like there isn't fat people in Europe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because they're fucking everywhere.

Are you kidding me? In fucking England. These fucking whores. In England, they dip French fries in mayonnaise. I thought that was the weirdest. When I first went there, I was like, yeah, ketchup. He's like, no, we got mayo.

And I was like, for what? He's like, for your chips. I was like, no, I'm not dipping French fries in mayonnaise. You're fucking insane. Egg fat yolk on your French fry? Get the fuck out of here. Give me a tomato. Have you done London yet?

No, and you know what's funny? I put out a poll to see how many people wanted me to go where and London was huge yeah you would do well and I can't believe that you should do because I love that

fucking place and I thought maybe so great I mean you did yeah I did a week there

when we were in Montreal you were just had you were about to go to London yeah and I was so great that audience is great because they listen and you're a story guy like me

so like you gotta pay attention yeah because they listen, and you're a story guy like me, so you got to pay attention. Yeah, they actually listen. I remember trying to make jokes. Sometimes when you play a new city, for any comics out there who are new, when you play a new city, it's nice in the first two minutes to talk about where you are.

The city itself, yeah. Don't think about it. I mean, I don't think about it. I don't write it down. I might even be walking to the venue and see something and then bring it up on stage. It just brings them in. I tried that in London.

They could not give two shits about, they're like, just do your performance. Yeah, they don't like local bullshit. So the first time I was bombing for the first four minutes and then went into my act

and then they were just listening and going, good, this is a show. I'm gonna watch a show. So after that, I stopped doing any like, first time in London.

That's very indicative of america because when you go when i travel when you travel in the states dude the first thing out of your mouth if you're like pittsburgh you know what i mean and they're like they fucking lose it what is with you guys and your sandwiches yeah we do yeah we have sandwiches here yeah i think that i think that's funny london i do want to do there's a bunch of new dates that i'm gonna do coming up in the new year um i'm doing uh the the first date I do is I go to the DC Improv. I love that club. I'm sorry.

Arlington Draft House. Look at that. That's good too. Look at that. Look at what I just did. I just fucked up. We had just talked about it prior and so I got in my head. No, I'm doing the Arlington Draft House, which is kind of next to DC at the end of January.

And you know what? Like I'm happy that, because I usually don't go out at the beginning of the year, because I'm like, ah, the weather shit. The year's just starting. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing for the year. But I just want to get the fuck out and get out of LA for a little while. I'm going to Chicago for Christmas and then New Year's. I'm going to Vegas to see Gwen Stefani.

Really? Yeah, dude. Huh? Do you know her? Nah, it's none of your business. Hey. I just don't see you traveling for Gwen. Well, so here's what it is. Huh? Do you know her? Nah, it's none of your business. Hey. I just don't see you traveling for Gwen. Well, so here's what it is.

I feel like you would know Gwen. We got some friends. We have some good friends that are like mega fans, and it was kind of like a cute little get-together suggestion thing. But then afterwards, Dylan Francis, who's a DJ who did this podcast, he's in Vegas, and so is little Dickie. They're both performing. So I'm going to go and hopefully hook up with both of those dudes.

And when I say hook up, I mean have sex. I'm not gonna watch them perform. Well, of course. Yeah. Not a fucking loser. about having a good time. Dude, there's nothing gay

about fucking some of your buds. And actually, gay is a good time. Yeah, gay is a good time. I wish I was gay. The New Year's is not really my thing. Are you doing something

for New Year's? I have to go. Are you performing? I have to go. I'm going to Hawaii for Christmas and New Year's. Oh, boo-hoo. Because my little brother, the doctor,

his last year of residency, they send him to certain places. So they're sending him to the hospital in Honolulu. Oh, what a tough gig. I know, for five weeks. And my mother loves him more. So she's like, we should go be with him for the holidays. I'm like, oh yeah, I've lived in LA for 14 years,

but you've never come here. Sure, when do you want to go? She goes Christmas's eve or she goes christmas eve to new year's eve or new year's day i go mom what are you beyonce it's gonna cost thousands of dollars expensive expensive teachers yeah what are you doing oh you want me to try to pay for it i can't afford it i spend poorly are they are they uh are your parents still working or they're done yeah they went back you know they went back so they quit for a while and then they went back yeah they both wanted to teach again well my mom has uh she works with special ed kids now and then uh so i i go to see her a lot and uh but and bam good bit brent um and that i wasn't special ed not land i was in resource and i had to have ritalin crushed up in yogurt every day that was

a choice yeah it was good dude got me. Got me going. Got me going. Started snorting the red oil. Then I focused. They went back to school because they felt like they needed to? Yeah, my dad more. My dad loved it so much. What did they do in the summers, by the way?

Did they work? Bother me. Yeah, my dad, yeah they would. Because teachers don't get paid enough, so they would have to go work sometimes and do like summer schools or do like teach at a college. but then other than that it was just golf and bother me one of my favorite teachers and he would paint in the summer yeah i thought that was crazy because i was like i know he might need another job i get that financially but painting in the summer sounds

like a fucking nightmare like in the middle of the heat like july like fucking painting houses in the heat of chicago oh paint like I thought you meant like actually oh no man he was a painter he loved to paint I remember doing that my dad would work sometimes

we had tobacco fields near us and he would work the tobacco fields sometimes god your life is such like a fucking Norman Rockwell fucking I remember that

just a little bit but then he would teach college daddy was out in the tobacco fields he loved teaching too much they both did but uh

that's funny because you you're someone that doesn't really love to learn. It's amazing how much. You're not a student of anything, really. I hate being a student. I've always taught myself how to swim, ride a bike, ski, play the guitar, sing, everything. I hated anybody trying to tell me. Teaching you?

Yeah. I didn't understand why. Most comics are anti-authoritative. Yeah, I hate it. Yeah, we don't like that shit. I don't want anybody to teach me how to do anything. And then that's why I spent time in the hall. That's why you were a hall boy.

Yeah. The only time, speaking of getting suspended, I didn't get suspended, but the in-school suspension I had to do because the only thing they had to get me in trouble for is that I stole hall passes to get out of school from a teacher's desk. Weren't you the permanent hall pass? Yeah. Someone's like, where you going? You're like, I know Brent.

My desk. Going to Brent's desk. You know why they did that? Because my Spanish class was my first period class and my teacher, she was from like Spain, and she would say probably. She was from Spain. She, for no reason, even though I wasn't failing,

I had a C minus average in all classes. Okay, I made sure I got the C. She would say, Brent, you're failing in front of all the kids. And I hated that. How did she say it in Spanish? Brent. Estoy.

Estoy. I could do it. Estoy falalo. Whatever, dude. I don't need it. Dude, so many fans that are fluent in Spanish are gonna listen to this And be like

Falalo is What if Falalo is so racist Yeah You never know What you're actually gonna say Falalo means like Border jumper or some shit Falalo is real fucked up

And racist Thank god you took You took that Hey man I picked it up And I ran with it But I remember Falalo My Little Protest

Was it's first period My Little Protest Was like My Little Pony But that was It was actually A one man play I wrote in school My Little Protest was like My Little Pony, but that was a... It was actually a one-man play I wrote in school. My Little Protest. Welcome to My Little Protest. Anarchy, that's how it opened.

This is why I won't eat green beans, Mom. In the summer of 94, I remember my mom took me to the game. It's like, oh my God. Even my little brother's like, this is gayer than me. Shut up. Anyway, I remember my protest was,

I was like, I'm not ready to learn. I need my breakfast. So I brought a full thing of breakfast into the class. What do you mean? Like eggs and bacon and shit? Bacon, pancakes, orange juice. You deviant motherfucker. I got this other kid that I played baseball with who was a year younger than me to come

into class too. I said, leave your backpack in the hallway. I go, we'll get our backpacks when we're ready to learn. So out of spite, I was mad. So I sat down and she, cause she had already moved me to the front of the class. hallway i go we'll get our backpacks when we're ready to learn so out of spite i was mad so i sat down and she because she had already moved me to the front of the class and i remember silverware and she's teaching i put it all out i'm cutting up the i'm buttering the toast and she goes brent what are you doing i'll be with you after this

and i just remember i wouldn't she goes get rid of the breakfast the other kid like panicked and he went and got his backpack and i refused to get you're like i'm getting rid of it i'm gonna eat all of it right now and then she got so mad that she goes well you can't eat breakfast in this classroom and i said i'm not gonna be any good to you until i have my breakfast you're such a diva so that she goes well you can't eat breakfast in here so i said well then i'll eat breakfast in here So I said well Then I'll eat it in the hall And I carried my desk into the hall That was my protest

And then the other teachers Started doing that as punishment Put Brent in the hall So he could finish his breakfast Man I was a little shitty My parents are teachers too That was so shitty You are

That's a piece of shit move I never ate breakfast when I was a kid I had cinnamon rolls And you know what It was expensive I couldn't do it every day That was my protest Yeah it was expensive

My mom would leave me Like a couple of bucks on on the desk downstairs you know for like lunch and what i would do is i would save it every day yeah and i wouldn't spend it so i'd just steal lunch i would steal people's lunches or i would go i could see you get away with that but not in a bully way oh not in a bully way i would just go up to like people i knew and be like yo can i let me get that and they'd be like what but they were scared of you they're like yeah sure no i'd be like that that peanut butter jelly sandwich you don't want the rest of that right and they're like no so i'd have that and then i'd be like yo can i get that. And they'd be like, what? And I'd be like, yeah. But they were scared of you. They'd be like, yeah, sure. No, I'd be like, that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you don't want the rest of that, right?

And they'd be like, no. So I'd have that and then I'd be like, yo, can I get that fucking banana? Get the banana. I would just collect. So then by the end of the week, I would have the money, you know, a couple, you know, what is that, 10 bucks or whatever was left over.

And then I could have, I might have 10 bucks. They used to give me free lunch because the cafeteria ladies loved me. We didn't have, yeah, I got free lunch because we would steal all the time. Hoodies were great when I was in school because you could, the hoodie front pouch pocket,

man, easy for a cheeseburger to slide right the fuck in there. I was a thief, dude. Chicken fries, baby. I was such a piece of shit thief. When we were in high school, bro, there was a liquor store up the street from my high school

and we were puffy jackets in the winter. You know, remember the puffy jackets were crazy? Of course, you're in Illinois too. Yeah, cold as fuck. It's gotta be so cold. Missy Elliott. The Missy Elliott puffy jacket generation.

I would go to the liquor store. We'd have some kid in there distracting, like just being a fucking asshole. You know, and I would walk down and I remember everybody loved flavored Smirnoff. They still do all these fucking flavors, but like flavored Smirnoff and Bacardi. Oh, Bacardi and Bacardi different flavors.

And I would slide the bottles of booze in the arms of my jacket, of my puffy jacket. I'd get two or three in there easy. Wow. Yeah, and I'd walk right the fuck out. That's impressive. Yeah, we did it all the time. I was too scared to steal.

I stole so much stuff because I was like, I want it, but I can't afford it. So I stole it. I kidnapped, but that was it. What? Mine's way better. Kidnapping people? Yeah, because, you know. Yours is a felony no no no it was

you know we all we all settled it maybe you found out i was no no no the guy you know hey hey hey it's a kid it was a kid it's a kid we can we stole money didn't get money kid got stolen kid returned you bet you make it so basic look he owed me money didn't pay me money we get the kid we tie him up with a gun in his mouth. We knock on his teeth. Yada, yada. You get it. We gave him back. Bullets in the gun.

Teeth grew back. We're good. We're good. We're good. Yeah, I stole so much stuff. I was really bad. I don't know why. Did you ever get caught?

Honestly, dude, not really. I mean, like, and if I did, it was like. This is what I like to hear. Yeah, it's like minor shit. I'm sick of, like, repercussion stories. Yeah, I didn't get sometimes bad things

happen and you nothing happens to you nothing happens you know that show I almost got away with it you know what that is

where they talk about like people that like try to it's usually moving drugs across borders sure I want to make one called I got away with it

yeah I got away with it and just tell the fucking story I got away with so much bullshit when I was a kid that's actually a good little Netflix show I got away with it you could got just tell the fucking story i'm like i got away with so much bullshit when i was a kid we i mean like that's actually a good little netflix show i got away with it you could start with like things like that and then another episode could be like an actual jewelry heist and you just kind of black them out you know or you're just like a full-on murder you know we just get people to be like dude look i'm a murderer dude and they haven't caught me if that

wouldn't if that didn't win every p-body or every award if you found a way to get murderers at it to be comfortable enough to be like yeah i killed her well like. Well, like this, they're in this kind of environment. They're like, dude, listen, she was talking shit, I fucking, anyway, dude, but I'm a good guy! And I got away with it. I just had this conversation with a friend the other day. We were watching something, some movie, and I said, you know, it's amazing how many people,

how easy it is to get away with murder. I bring this up with no context. And he goes, what are you talking about? They always get caught. I go, no, are you talking about? They always get caught. I go, no, you only hear about the people that are caught. That's right. People have been murdered so much. I go, right now there's somebody sitting down

that's completely fine that murdered somebody 10 years ago. Yeah. I mean, there's no way that there isn't so many more unsolved murders than there are solved murders. There's gotta be someone getting murdered right now. And there's gotta be somebody,

maybe in this office, that's murdered. You think? You know. You saw some of the guys when you walked in. There was a handshake I didn't trust. I can see it in the eyes. I know exactly who it is. I know exactly who it is.

I knew somebody that was, the guy competing for Class Clown with me, he's in jail now for murder. That was the competition? Yeah, for like 12 murders. We competed for Class Clown? He was, but I think he had killed people in high school, because he was one of the kids that came on the bus from the city.

He was a drug dealer and a pimp in high school. A pimp? Yeah, he was a pimp. Pimpin' out all the high school girls? He was that hoes, yeah. Damn. And he used to walk the halls, because he'd already been shot.

He's seen God, so he was like, I don't need to learn math. And so he would just come up to my desk in the hall and be like, what are you doing? I was down in the office talking to the girls. And they say that you're brought up for class clown. I'm going to get it. I go, no, you're not.

I'm going to get it. That was a superlative at your school, class clown? Yeah, I was really, but they got rid of it our year. Yeah, you had to. Probably because of us. And then he was like, prove it. So we would go to each classroom during class. And he would flirt with the teachers.

And I would make all the kids laugh. And we would ask who they thought was funnier. And then. And teachers were like you're funny Brent but this guy's got a nice hog and he was really

confident man yeah he probably fucked a few teachers yeah he had to I mean this guy had it and he was built like Martin Lawrence but he was like

you know he was built like Martin Lawrence he was a little man but he was Gina he had this car with all these hoes

after school like yo B I'll see you later I'm like yeah and you're on your bike and you know yeah I'm a white guy so any black kid that said what up b i was the coolest thing in the world i'm b mom call me b shut the fuck up brent go eat your cheerios did i hear you had another breakfast this

morning well you know i gotta start my day and then i a friend of mine sent me goes hey did you hear about uh do you i'm not gonna say his name did you hear it i go what he goes he got arrested i go for what multiple homicide apparently he's like a drug kingpin oh he had climbed the ranks which i thought you know good for him good for him not all stories end uh and then he got acquitted because people were too scared to testify because hell yeah getting killed and then finally now he's in jail for so come out and clip but point to that story i am funnier you're funny and it's working plug where people want to see you

and look up all your stuff brentmoorne.com my apartment come to your fucking apartment here's a side note for anybody who knows me I need this

to be out there stop giving me shit for the website the website is bad on purpose because I haven't done anything to it what is it

brentmoorne.com it's brentmoorne.com you can type in net anything I don't give a shit it will show up is it? BrentMoran.com? It's BrentMoran.com. We're going to go look at it. You can type Annette, anything. I don't give a shit. It will show up. I'm going to put new tour dates before Christmas time for January and February.

Good. And it's going to fill up like crazy. Also, I did a movie called The Outdoorsman that I was 30 pounds heavier for. Go watch that. When does that come out? It's out on Amazon and all those streaming sites. Pay to see me. Go watch that with Shashir Zamata. Very funny girl.

Oh, Shashir Zamata. From SNL. I like her. And Rick Shapiro who's a hilarious comic. Also funny. Could not stop making me laugh

when I did it. And Rick Glassman, our beautiful autistic friend. Yeah, artistic. Well, no, he's on the spectrum now. Yeah, he is on the spectrum.

And I was over his place yesterday. He had shoulder surgery. His mom flew out for that. Mama Glassman. I was with her last night. Oh, they said hi, by the way. I fucking love those people.

Hey, I come here last night, but I didn't. Nah, we worked it out. What else do I got going on? Plug your Twitter and your Instagram. What is that? So people can come follow you and all that bullshit. Brent Morin. B-R-E-N-T-M-O-R-I-N.

Okay. I'm going to look like I'm following you right now. What if I did? Okay. By the way, you ever deal with that? It's such a Hollywood thing where somebody that used to follow you,

you didn't even know, unfollowed you and then you hang out or shoot something with them and then they're on their phone like, you know, you're talking about something and they're like,

yeah, so anyway. Yeah, they follow you. I always call them out. I go, you unfollowed me? And they go, what do you mean? You just followed me.

That's how it goes. It's the life we live. It's the life we live. Come see your boy, Chito Santino. Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. In January, kids, I'm going to be January 19th. That's a smart move. January 19th, I'll be in Bakersfield at the Trembler Brewing Company.

Bakersfield. And then January 24, 25, 26 I'll be at the Arlington Draft House come see me out there go online get your motherfucking tickets do your thing wait one second

I gotta do this do what you did see this is why people don't come yeah you gotta they gotta know where you are dude you gotta tell them

oh and I'm gonna do a podcast sometime nah maybe yeah maybe I said that like the kid that like works in like the small town

I'm gonna do a podcast one day I'm gonna get out of here boys I don't know what kid that works in the small town. I'm going to do a podcast. One day I'm going to get out of here, boys. I don't know what time he lives in. All right. Here's where I'll be. January and February. I don't need to promote a lot of these.

We're going to cut all this. All right. Yeah. I'm going to be at Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio on January 18th to the 20th in Texas. I know somebody just asked me if I'm going to be in Texas. That's where I'll be. Oh, St. Louis.

I'm looking forward to that during Valentine's Day. Ooh. February. It's like my reps know I have no one. At Helium. And then I'll be at

Mohegan Sun again, which is like a home. I don't need to tell you. Connecticut. Basically hometown. Yeah, but I played at a bunch. Oh, Punchline in Atlanta. Denver Comedy Works

at some point. Well, that's in the summer. All right, Punchline in Atlanta. Denver Comedy Works at some point. Well, that's in the summer. All right, so just go to BrentMoran.com and keep all these dates. Just go to the bullshit there and just shut up. How about that?

How about you go fuck yourself? Hey. And go see us at the comedy store at the Improv, the Laugh Factory. We're there every weekend. I love that. You know,

because we're going to go make people laugh. Thanks for coming, Brent. Dude, I'm staying. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.