Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Brian Redban

Episode Date: May 3, 2019

Santino sits down with Brain Redban to talk about the beginnings of deathsquad, Redban's love for massage parlors, wiping front to back and Norm Macdonald's ear hair Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Redband What's up dude, thanks for coming Thank you for having me You got your mints on, you got the mints today

I just noticed that I get more compliments on these shoes You're a big shoe guy, right? I mean, I just became became one and then i went crazy and then now i stopped i i have too many shoes yeah like now i get like how are you supposed to wear any of these shoes i haven't even worn half of them i know well i just fucking did that whole thing i just moved and i did that whole thing where you just got rid of shit so i donated a bunch of my old bullshit shoes i never wore and then i sold like every jordan i had except for

like threes, fours and three pairs of 11s. Yeah. That's it, dude. I was like, I can't have all these fucking shoes. What am I? I'm never going to wear all these shoes. Yeah. And I'm not a Fairfax kid. I don't do that thing where you wait outside of Supreme four days in advance. You don't have to do that anymore. Cause like those apps, I don't know why people do that shit. Well, I think that's people that come from out of town. It's always like out of towners and Japanese kids. That's all I see. Yeah. And Japanese kids fucking, fucking they i think they just love the culture of waiting you know yeah because they do that shit all the time in japan so like we'll go

wait that's like i can't i can't do that anymore like i can't even wait for like a a ride like a roller coaster ride like i was at disney road or disneyland and it was like oh hour and a half i'm like no way am i sitting here for an hour and a half that i took my i took my nieces to universal studios and uh anything i saw that was a long line i made everyone else go with them i was like oh i just i'm gonna take a break and hang out i was like i don't want to stand in a fucking line for a thing that i know is it's good for the kids like i want i want to like have some fun on something but but some of the like the harry potter thing i did that yeah that thing was like two hours really you just had to wait for like two an hour so you know it was what is that universal or yeah that's harry potter universal yeah i don't even know anymore what's

the difference but yeah i i waited forever for that fucking thing i saw cholos i saw like hardcore gangster ass cholos there like wife beaters tattoos on their neck and face and i was like dude the cholo's like fucking harry potter like even cholos like harry potter which is incredible to me i was like that's dope dude it's, I'm going to get a butter beer, eh? Today we're going to be drinking on some Long Branch Wild Turkeys. This is crazy. I've never, I've had, you've had Wild Turkey, I'm sure. Wild Turkey is actually my whiskey.

Is it? Yeah, I've never had this. I didn't even know that was a thing. So Long Branches is, this is their Oak and Texas Mesquite Charcoal Refined. It's a small batch, but it's aged in American oak casks. So, you know, it's not, it's not super high end. It's pretty fucking, it's a small batch but it's aged in american oak casks so uh you know it's not it's not super high end it's pretty fucking it's a pretty cool bottle i like that how does she taste it you know it tastes like a quality wild turkey yeah it tastes like wild turkey plus yeah yeah like a nicer version of it it does great oh that's really good it's pretty smooth um so long branch wild turkey have you always been a

whiskey guy yeah i mean yeah actually always i mean i never i hate tequila i've told i've said that before i fucking why do you hate tequila just the results i don't know yeah the flavor is just not i don't i don't like how it tastes you know i've never liked tequila and i started dating a mexican and then I started understanding. You date a Mexican? I'm sorry. Get out. That's why I'm wearing Jordans.

You swim in the ocean with those. That's why you're dating a Mexican. But she turned me on to, and I never liked it. I always thought it burnt my throat. I never liked it. But you take Patron chilled. Only Patron chilled, and it just tastes like water like i've never i know here people always

say they like patrol there's a bunch of high-end ones that i've had before that people have been like you but you haven't had whatever and i do do it but it's just it's not it's just not my shit you know like i whiskey scotch is okay to me too but um i've never got in the sky no it's okay it's like a late night sipping thing but i come from a bunch of irish drunks and so like my grandparents they're to this day my grandmother um who's the like the coolest person on earth she still drinks um uh manhattan's and the canadian club which is cheap bottle whiskey you know yeah and uh vermouth and maraschino cherries with a little bit of but they've literally my whole life i've known whiskey from my grandparents yeah my grandfather uh used to carry around a little tiny

um briefcase and it inside had his canadian club his vermouth and the wow and the because he would go to parties and they wouldn't have it and him and my grandmother loved it so much that he was like fuck it i'm bringing my own shit that's classy that's cool shit right so they would bring like a gift to the party for other people to have, but then they would have my grandpa's little briefcase. He would call it his computer back before anybody had laptops. He'd be like, I gotta get my computer out of the car.

That's hilarious. Well, that's a hardcore Irish alcoholic. That's what I come from. My mom used whiskey growing up. Anytime she was feeling sick, she would take whiskey and put it in the microwave and just heat it up and then drink hot whiskey. put it in the microwave and just like heat it up heat it up and then drink hot whiskey and that's the only time she ever pulled out that bottle there was always a bottle of whiskey like just to have when she felt sick yeah well because

you know like hot toddies and shit like that people like hot whiskey and tea or you know i don't like irish coffee i don't really fuck with that i like coffee coffee i want coffee left alone i don't want to put you know whiskey and some people with baileys and stuff that's not my shit i don't fuck with that yeah i i like to separate my like separate those worlds do you know what i mean yeah like there's something about eating like combination of meats do you know what i mean like i love uh i love i love sushi that's my dad oh we trap him in the wall get out of there buddy get out of my house i love eating like different kinds of sushi but when they have like a roll where it's 15 kinds of fish on one thing i'm like come on dude yeah can i just do one at a fucking time like i don't need to have tuna and salmon and and snapper

it's like just give me one or two at the most i don't need 15 kinds of it so that's how i feel about combinations of things you know which is ironic because the show is called whiskey ginger and i usually don't drink with you i I just drink it. I like ginger. This just matched up. I like ginger. See, I always drank, growing up, I always drank beer. And then within the last four years, five years, I hate beer now. I can't drink beer anymore.

I feel bloated. I'll use it as I want to Gatorade in between drinks once in a while. I'll take a Miller Lite because that, to to me is like water it's gross and but now i always need a like i never drink it neat even though i always like it neat you know yeah i love it neat that's my favorite sometimes i'll put an ice cube in there just to dilute the water just to put a little bit of water in there yeah that's that's an old irish trick too they like to put a little bit of water in there uh they put a little bit of water just dilute it a little bit and it also it breaks it up a little bit you know it's kind of like putting milk and coffee the

reason you do that's for the acid right but i like it straight up this is actually pretty fucking good yeah um enough about this we're not gonna plug i feel like i'm plugging wild turkey and they don't sponsor the show they should they you know they wouldn't ginger your whiskey company is coming out yeah there's a few whiskey companies that have reached out there's a few people that have reached out that i want to connect with that want to sponsor but the thing is i don't think they can get a big brand can't get in line because they don't know my they don't know me well enough to go what if he says some shit that doesn't align with you know what i mean like jack daniels can't be like we sponsored the show and then we say some fucked up shit on here right you know

like i date a mexican and i'm like gross right jack daniel's like fuck that's true that's a huge market for us that's true and mexicans love jack daniel's no they don't at all they're not losing any business but there's a ton of mexicans listening to this being like we fucking love that shit dude fuck you dude yeah fucking butterbeer what was that dog go back to butterbeer talk um but anyway fucking it is it is delicious i want to talk about you've been on the road a ton for Kill Tony. Yeah. I actually went to Ireland.

Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, you did? Oh, that's right. I watched it. Dude, I told Tony I watched it on the way. I was driving up to Mammoth, and I watched it on my fucking iPad. I thought it was wild to see that shit. You toured around the world, then you came back, and then now you guys are going out

just in the States again, right? In the States, we got like Vancouver. Are you somewhere this weekend? No, nowhere this weekend, but we're about to go to Phoenix next weekend and Vegas. But we do go to like a little Canada stop. And then I think we have like Australia coming up. That's dope. You know, not announced yet.

You guys are packing shows so much now. It's selling out everywhere now. It's great. That's awesome. Yeah, we just sold out Gramercy Theater in New York, which I guess is pretty big. It's very big. It's the second show, and that's almost wow it's pretty insane yeah well i mean for people that haven't seen kill tony i know hinchcliffe was on here and we talked about a little bit but it's incredible because there's this whole vibe with the band and jeremiah and

and uh even though fuck jeremiah yeah i heard you guys are fighting yeah we're fighting i necked him last night dude i fucking really you really no hand no hands i just used my chin and i made him pass out that's hilarious you want to be a real tough guy dude wrap your head around another man's neck and push down on your chin and see if you can make him pass out over here i fucking put him down dude it was fun you just got to hold his nose and blow in his mouth really hard i heard his eyes pop out of his fucking head he's a good guy joel you got joel up there yeah i think it's i think it's a great it's a it's an amazing thing to watch people get judged doing stand-up and shit and i think it's a great opportunity. Joel, you got Joel up there. I think it's a great, it's an amazing thing to watch people get judged doing stand-up and shit.

And I think it's a great opportunity for people to come out and see more than just a regular stand-up show. It's really cool also for us because we get to meet all these new comics. And so I know so many people. I feel like we're almost like Mitzi's up there from the comedy store.

We know all the young comics now. Because they come through. Yeah, and not only Los Angeles, throughout the whole United States and the world you know like so we it's weird knowing that many comics you know it is a trip anytime i've done the show there's always a couple of kids that are like we drove from fucking wisconsin you're like what yeah today and they're like yeah we just got in man we fucking left yesterday and we got in we wanted to come here just for this and i'm like how long are you staying and they're like we leave tomorrow morning i'm like what the

fuck it's so ridiculous. I mean, I mean, it's amazing to think that there's that kind of fan base that's happening around comedy right now. I've kind of reiterated a ton, but I think it's so fucking dope. And we,

I have so many fans that hit me up through this. Um, I have a competition going on right now, uh, for our intro song. It's a, it's this dope instrumental. And I put it up,

we put it up on Spotify for free and people can, um, grab it, download it, rip it, do whatever you got to do. And then I wanted them to rip 16 bars freestyle over it, and we had a ton of submissions. And then next week, I'm going to play the best of the best. I do like your opening now, though, with all the cartoon clips. Well, that's what it is. We just took out some of the clips and made it instrumental for them.

That's a really cool opening. Yeah, this guy, Rokom, did it for me, and he was the one that was like, we should just throw it up and see if people could do a beat. And people a really cool opening. Yeah, there's this guy, this guy, Rokom did it for me and he was the one that was like, we should just throw it up and see if people could do a beat. And people, if you're still listening,

this will be the last chance you get to submit, download it and then go, send me the song at imasantinofan at gmail.com. I'm a Santino fan at gmail.com. And ironically enough,

every time I say that, someone's always like, hits me up on Twitter. What is it? It's like, it's in the description. Everything is in the description. I promise it's in there.

For some reason, people get fucking angry. They're like, I can't find this and this. And you're like, it's right there. They don't read the description. I know, but every time you say it's in the description, just go, you'll find all the information. In fact, I'm so used to saying it that whenever I watch a YouTube video,

I just open descriptions naturally just to see what else they plugged in there. Just to be like, what else are they fucking fucking what else they go going on um for my fans that don't know this is what i want to do is talk like i'm interested in talking about death squad because i think people don't really people have a vague idea of what it is yeah but you want to fucking explain what it is uh well when he's pulling out a gun here we go here i die right on camera this is how you do this is how i fucking die i die here with you on camera. This is how you do the, this is how I fucking die. I die here with you on camera. Oh,

Ty, look at this. So what happened is, you know, a long time ago, I worked for Joe Rogan and, uh, who this, this up and coming guy,

you know, uh, yeah, young, young buck. Uh, but he, uh,

we started doing a podcast together. Like we decided, uh, me and him like used to sit in his house and just talk, like, on our laptop speakers. You know, like, you know, very low, you know, and that thing blew up. And then when it was blowing up, I was like, you know what? I know how to do it now. And all my friends, I think they would be great at podcasts, like Ari Shaffir and Tom Segura and all these guys.

So I was like, you know, I'm going to make a studio in my house and then start podcasts for all of them. So I, you know, hey, you want to do a podcast already you want Tom you and so I started doing all these podcasts out of my house and you know I started your mom's house Archie Fear Skeptic Tank Sam Tripoli you know I helped Joey Diaz I was gonna say Diaz right yeah yeah and so all the guys and my idea was that uh back in the day there was only podcasts and i was like you know what i should make this thing called a podcast network where it's like a radio station where you have different shows under it right so the idea for me was you have like on itunes it'll be called death squad and then underneath it you'll have all the shows listed under one feed so if you know tom segura

and you like tom segura you might be like oh who's this Sam Tripoli guy you know so then it just makes everyone listen to the same show if you like Tom Segura's funny stories and lightheartedness

about his relationship with his wife you're gonna love this guy that's a flat earther who's a conspiracy theorist that's Shih Tzu no I know

he's the funniest Tripoli might have the most conspiracies I've ever heard in my entire life and he really dives deep into that shit. Between him and Eddie Bravo, they could crack any other conspiracy theorist's mind with how much fucking shit that they go deep on.

Have you ever asked, I asked Sam the other day, is the sun flat also? And then he started talking about, no, that's where spirits are trapped or aliens. When you die, that's where you go, to the sun. You know that, right? Sam, you know there's no uh microphones right now you know he believes in all that fucking shit so the death squad network you kind of started all these things to like launch and like i've been so familiar with it over the years but i think it's wild because it's a part of the comedy it's a part of the comedy world and a lot of people know about it or don't really know what it is but they're super hyper aware of it you know yeah where did

you get the name the name was originally when I used to go, you know, go on the road with Joe all the time and do all that stuff. And one day me, Joe, I think it was Tate Fletcher of Caveman Coffee. I want to say Eddie Bravo maybe, but we were all walking into Opie and Anthony's studio. And this was like after 9-11. This is when there was all the, we're in war with Iraq. And they always say like- We went to war with Iraq? Something like that.

I slept right through that. But on the news, they kept on going, US found another death squad in Iraq. And blah, blah, blah. So it was all over the news. So we walk in and we just looked like this gang of thugs

walking into Opie and Anthony. And Opie goes, oh, Joe Rogan's here, and he brought his death squad. And so we all thought that name was funny. So we used to always be like, we're the death squad, like that. And so when I told Joe about my idea to make a radio station, a podcast, I was like, I might call it Death Squad. And he's like, that's perfect, because it's all our friends together.

So it worked out. Yeah, it was clicking. It just clicked. So you owe it kind of to Opie. Opie, out. Yeah, it was clicking. It just clicked. So you owe it kind of to Opie. Opie, yeah. Actually, he's the one that coined that. It's funny because I heard, and this is,

you may get annoyed at this, but one time I was listening to a bunch of old clips of Norm MacDonald and Norm was talking about the Death Squad. Have you heard that? He talks about me a lot. It is so fucking funny.

But it's really strange. It's like, why the fuck does Norm MacDonald, because he was like, Death Squad, it sounds like a fucking group of fist fighters not a comedy crew you're like what he is so hilarious interesting here's what it is though to me he did a death squad show also so well he's he's talking shit because he likes it right he likes to mock things you only mock things

as a comedian that you enjoy like when we shit on each other we joke around about each other shit it's only because we fucking enjoy each other Otherwise there's no way to really know if you get along with someone, if you can't joke around. And I think he does that because he recognizes it. But it's like from a distance, someone could be like, dude, he hates those guys.

It's like the fact that he knows it is even more important to me. It's like, that's fucking incredible. It's funny. I had a show, I did death squad show in Denver at the Comedy Works. Such a good club. He was there the following day, but he came early.

He was just checking out the show. It was right before we about started. I'm like, he's like, hey, what's going on here? I'm like, hey, if you want to jump on the show, he's like, what is it? It's a Death Squad show. He goes, what the? He used to do it when I first told him about it. Death Squad.

That doesn't sound like a comedy crew. He's so hilarious. You know, better not say it say it don't not say it don't not say the name of this episode is going to be don't not say okay uh come on one of the most funniest things about this is so mean but one of the funniest things about norm is uh like he really helped me out with my uh hygiene uh uh hair hygiene yeah because that that night when I was talking to him, I look over to him and he had literally a black spite. It looked like a bush, like a woman's 70s bush coming out of his ear of ear hair. He had a pussy ear.

And it freaked me out. So that night I went home to one of those hotel mirrors that's really close up. I look and I had two of them. I'm like, oh my God, no one told me about this. And now i've always wanted to like tell him like you got like a quarter size bush well now i hope he sees this and he says i got a lot of ear hair fuck him but what if you want somebody to tell you yeah no you honestly dude you probably most of us probably want somebody to tell us but for the most part we're so embarrassed about these shortcomings that you're like yeah please don't

let me know about that yeah so now i'm freaked out about that and those hairs funny who gives a fuck right if a comedian can't take a joke about that shit i mean we're we're in we're in deep shit who designed this is what's more interesting to me is like the design of things right like we were talking about this guy that did this for me this edgar gonzalez that did that like who designed your i did i do all the you did all the death squad stuff yeah that's i mean that and you're you were into listen dude from if i saw this i'd go it's a japanese guy yeah i go a japanese guy did it right but you just love japanese shit yeah that's actually hitler cat yeah but it looks it's a japanese hitler cat i

mean chaplain yeah but uh no i actually that's so weird. I painted that before Death Squad. That's actually a huge painting that I painted. Yeah. And I was at one of those bodegas by my house

and it was like, you know how they have weird things? They just have toys in the middle of baked beans and these little convenience stores.

Because they sell drugs for real. That's what they really do. And so they had all these toys and they all had a layer of dust on them. And I always like

to look at weird shit like that. There was a little alarm clock that was one of those lucky cats oh yes yeah right yeah but it had the it had the the clock on in front of it i was like that looks like a bomb looks like somebody just put a bomb in the middle of this can be right so i bought it and that night i just painted it and that's then when i created did the death squad thing uh i was like that's a perfect logo for it it looks like a desk i mean it does it literally looks like a fucking it looks like the the the the symbol of the troops of the death squad you know what i mean it's like the cat waves and they go march to murder fucking people

and you guys don't have guns at your shows but you should you should from now on yeah and then this logo fun fact if you're ever in the back parking lot of the comedy store see it looks like a cat ears and the little the little nose and stuff but you're ever in the back parking lot of the comedy store, see, it looks like a cat ears and the little nose and stuff. But if you look in the back parking lot and you look up the hill, like to all those houses that are up the hill behind the comedy store, there's a house that looks exactly like that. And that's what I did this off of. That's where that came from. Yeah.

God, that's so weird. And that's my dream house. So, you know, one day I'm- Up at the top? That, this exact house. I want to go, I want to look at it when I go there tonight. Yeah. Look at it.

It's so funny. It'll freak you out too because there's a house there's a house at the top of um if you go up like all the way up fairfax megan ellison used to own it she sold it for like 38 fucking million dollars and it's you can't miss it if you're if you're ever in la you see it's this huge circular home and there's a lot of other circles that are around it she owns the whole fucking mountain megan ellison is larry ellison's daughter i don't know if you know who that is she's a hollywood producer um and uh every time someone's in town and we like go by that or whatever and somebody's like dude who fucking lives there without fail i always go it's alex trebek dude it's alex trebek's house and i stick with it because i'm always like that's

hilarious a part of me wishes it was his house right that he was looking over every because he's so judgy on his show that i'm like i would imagine he would have a house that's way up on the hill looking down every morning being like look at these peasants exactly that's what i think about this i was like yeah i'm on top of this mountain pieces of shit yeah i don't know if i've told this story before but that just reminded me of when seinfeld um i don't know if you ever heard this when seinfeld when mitzi told seinfeld that he wasn't funny do you know about this oh i know a lot about this yeah he mitzi said to seinfeld you're not funny she thought he was a hack right and seinfeld fucking hated her for that it was it was his the bane of his existence and here's how vindictive seinfeld is um people that this is the this is comedy store uh shit but the

comedy store um family owned a couple of houses and one of them was on Queens or Kings Road? That's Queens Road. Queens Road right there, right? Or Kings? That's Kings Road, right? They're both right next to each other. I don't know which one. Kings, Queens, Jacks, Offs, but whichever one, it goes right up the side of the Comedy Store. One street west, and they had a house there,

and Seinfeld was so angry that Mitzi, who was the godmother of the Comedy Store, who used to pass people, the owner, that didn't like him, that he stopped going to the store. And then when he did get successful, when he popped and his show blew up, he bought a fucking house above their house and like right up the street from their house. Seriously. Is this real? This is real. Obviously, he liked the home.

Right. is real obviously he'd like the home right but he also loved driving down the hill to cbs radford and passing them and seeing a member of the shore family to remind them that he's like hey just going down the hill to get to work past you guys that's how fucking vindictive jerry seinfeld is he's at it's not that he bought the house just to do that but it's a piece of it and that's enough for me to be like, you fucking. You know, I love Jerry Seinfeld. I mean,

I loved Seinfeld, but that show, Comedians in Cars, Getting Coffee. Yeah, yeah, He is such, you could tell he's such a little cunt.

You know, he really is. You know who said it best? I think, I think, I think Louie, Louie said it best in, or no,

fuck, not Louie. I'm about to fuck this up uh yeah I think it was Louis sounds like it would Louis was talking about how Seinfeld's from Long Island right he's from Long Island or something like that and he and he was like what's your dream car I think that's what it was about uh or fuck maybe that was burr you know whatever but they were talking about like the car that you say is your dream car as you were a youth really like dictates what kind of class of people you grew up with.

Do you know what I mean? Okay. And Seinfeld kind of had this sardonic smartass remark of like, well, that's why you like that car because you're from that kind of class of people. You know what I mean? Right, right. Because he came from the idea of upper middle class, you know, the aspirations of the good old white man. Like, we can get it if we want it, you know? And I think it was just kind of a shitting on the working class. He's always had get it if we want it you know and i think it

was just kind of a shitting on the working class he's always had that air about him do you know what i mean like that's always been a part of seinfeldian's thought process but it's interesting because it appeals to the everyday man most of the most of the most of america the the the middle class the working class they love him because it's his his comedy is so everyday you know kind of the monotony of the day yet he's got 50 Porsches in a garage you know what I mean like he doesn't have any of that normalcy anymore I mean he had it I'm sure years ago but you heard what happened when he like he you know he never went back to the comedy store after that right you know and then he came back like a year ago and I was there that night yeah yeah two or or three years ago, I was there. Yeah, a lot of people

gave me shit at what I did to. What did you do? You didn't hear about this? No, what the fuck did you do? I thought everybody heard about this. No.

So, at the end of his show, he was like, I think I'm going to answer some questions. You know, like, and people were like, you know, asking the dumbest questions.

Like, what's your favorite color? Yeah, what's your favorite superhero? Spider-Man, you know that. And that, like, I'm wasted you know and all the comics kind of we all kind of piled in i'm like next to the piano uh in the or right and this i remember this table in front of me goes i think somebody would ask something funny or something silly or something i forget what she said and i was like oh i'm gonna do it so, hey, Jerry, do you wipe your butt standing or sitting down?

And he goes, what did you say? And I'm like, everyone's looking at me. I just remember Adam or somebody. I just, all these faces like, what the fuck are you doing? This is Jerry Seinfeld. Don't ask him that. You want to know, man. And so then I yelled it louder.

I go, do you wipe your butt standing or sitting down? And he goes, you don't have to yell. I'm right here. And I'm like, well, you can't hear me. And then I say it again it again and he goes what'd you say about my wife and i'm like oh my god now is he just fucking with me yeah and finally like i said it the last time and he goes oh okay i wipe my butt standing up of course i do then i walk around and then so many people got mad at me for that like for asking him about it comics i could tell people hated me i think why i think adam really hated me who gives a fuck like like you know tom zager and christina zitsky they were like sending me like you're the cool the best person

in the world thank you right and somebody recorded it and sent it to me like the next day and you have it still i i i bet if i look somewhere i gotta find that it is the funniest because he avoided the fucking question by the way he does stand up when he wipes his ass do you stand up or sit down no dude i stand up i gotta get a couple of wipes out right on the bowl then i stand up i finish then i got my my my uh from the back or from the front well my pussy's in the front so i gotta i gotta wipe front to back front to back so you go you reach like this and you're like from that i lift up a cheek and why see i i don't want any poop on my pussy i know i know i just i just can't like every

time i try to do that i'm just like how is this i can't what am i doing like i have to stand up put a leg up on the squatty potty get in there get it what you use myty potty, by the way, because I thought it gave me hemorrhoids. You think it gave you hemorrhoids? I know it's supposed to relieve it, but I feel like I was trying to clean myself out all the time. I was like, we got to get all of it out. I don't know. I was like, we got to get all these troops out. We can't leave any soldier behind.

I don't know what it was, but I just got in my head about the thing, so I had to throw it out when it moved to a new place. It's also, there's something a little annoying about when people come over to use your bathroom and then they see it tucked under the toilet and you're like, oh, this is just weird for people to look at. You know what I mean? Like I had one in the other bathroom too

and I was like, I gotta get rid of that shit. Yeah, you're crazy. I love it. Now I have a mechanism that it's tied to the ceiling and I put my feet in it and it lifts me up above the toilet and I just hover and I shit. Yeah, it's like an acrobatic.

I wanna get a Japanese toilet is what I want. Well, those things are the illest. Ron White, you talked to him about those things. Yeah. It warms your ass. Yeah your ass yeah it um shoots it in there it spread it it's the it's a bidet and also my this is my favorite one in japan if you've been you know they play music or sounds or something weird it's like it's supposed to like make you get into piss mode right and not feel embarrassed by the way, I had a meeting yesterday and there is four urinals, four.

I'm at the first one like a gentleman, right? So this guy could take the third down or the last one. Yeah, the fourth one. This guy fucking walks all the way into a stall. And I'm thinking, honestly, guys, think about that shit. Where are you pissed? I'm pissing and I see him do it. And I'm thinking he's going to go to, you know, push a you pissed? I'm pissing, and I see him do it, and I'm thinking,

he's going to go to push a grumper out. He leaves the door open, and he pees. He just pees. I do that. You don't pee at the fucking urinal? Not if there's a stall open. Really? Yeah.

Why? Are you just not comfortable running under the door? No, it's just like, you know what? As a courtesy, instead of doing the third or fourth urinal, I'm going to do one more and just go in a completely different room. What if I want to, you know, see your cock? You know, what if I want to fucking see what's going on? That's Seinfeld.

What if I want to see his cock? I've always been like that. I've also always been the guy that in high school that would not change in the locker room. Did you not poop at school either? I don't think I did, man. A lot of kids wouldn't poop at school. I don't remember pooping at school. I always had to find my place to poop in the school because i couldn't poop in a regular bathroom that's insane everybody knows these are everybody's shoes right

but i would go there was a there was a bathroom up near the gym like up in the workout room above the gym and i'd poop in there because nobody was there right nobody was there so i could go sneak and poop in there in the auxiliary gym so for all the fucking kids out there looking for, go to the aux gym pooper, dude. That's by far the best. I was listening to one of your, I think it was Tony podcast, but you were talking about not pooping for like a couple of days or something like that. Yeah.

Like how crazy. I've talked to people like on average poop every four days, every three days. And I think that's ridiculous. Men? I poop like four times a day. Men? Yeah, men.

See, sometimes they say women can go longer than men can, but I've never met a dude that poops once every five days. I have to poop at least twice a day. I'm more like four times a day. I'll give you an embarrassing story. Right. You ready? You know how kids sometimes hold in their poop?

Yeah. You know, it's like kids are holding their poop because it kind of feels good, but it hurts at the same time. I did that a few times when I was a kid. I used to do that when I was a kid. I'd be at my grandma's house and I held in a couple of poops. I don't know why.

It's weird. There's got to be a trigger inside the brain that's like, it feels good a little bit to hold it in for some reason. But man, is it terrible when it has to come out. I tell you, holding your poop in is actually cool. Because, you know, if you have a night of drinking. Wait, hold on. Holding your poop in is kind of cool.

Yeah, because it makes it solid. Like I've noticed if I don't go anytime I feel like I want to go, like, if I go, you know what, I'm going to hold off a little. Like, I notice it makes it more solid. It's more tough, huh? Yeah. It's a ridiculous fucking conversation. Every time I get a fan that's like, dude, I love your stuff.

It's so funny. I listen to it sometimes at work. And also, it's real tough when you get talking about some foul-ass shit because I have to, like, turn it down when I'm talking about shit talk anyway yeah don't hold it in guys please let it out you should not be holding in your poop i know this is a lesson that we we really shouldn't be pushing out of the world but have you ever pooped and had a hair like attached to it and it comes out it's like a slide whistle it's like whoa that felt oh yeah oh yeah come on i've been eating hair now just to get it.

Just to get it. Yeah, I better just go to barber shops and just take all their fucking hair. I'll just scrape the shower drain. This is got, we could get to one of the grossest podcasts ever. Let's talk about gingers. You know, I used to date Ginger

and she told me a lot of facts I didn't know about gingers. Give them to me. What are they? Like if you get anesthesia or whatever it's called. Anesthesia, right? Yeah.

You have to have less or more. I think it's more. We have more our pain tolerance pull this down a little bit yeah pull this pull this mic down a little bit uh which is crazy like i had no idea about that that we have to have more yeah yeah man we fucking well i think it's like we have a higher pain tolerance naturally it's something like that we have a higher drug tolerance a higher higher pain tolerance but yet girls who are gingers have way more sensitivity during sex like they are like they can feel anything well that's why they say their sex drives are through the roof female I guess males are too but that's just a natural thing for men to have fucking a super high sex drive but they say redheaded women's sex drive is way higher yeah I also can't have epinephrine I can't have epinephrine I don't know if it's for gingers but epinephrine is like um what they put in like novocaine you know I can't have epinephrine i'm not i can't have epinephrine i don't know if it's for gingers but epinephrine is like um what they put in like novocaine you know i can't have it i can't have

it for my heart and shit like yeah i think i think that's i might be all gingers it gets me all fucked up i don't know why there's a message for all the gingers if you can't have epinephrine holler at me but every time i get novocaine at the dentist or whatever i always have it without epinephrine yeah i think she was epinephrine is essentially you know like epi pens yeah that's what it is like if you're trying to if you know EpiPen is all epinephrine in there it's like it's basically it's like a rush it's a rush for your heart

you know what I mean it's like speed so what happens if you OD in like you know meth or you know I'm dead if I did meth once I'd probably die

wow they can't bring you back no they can't bring me back I mean they probably could try what if it killed me again wow like I'm alive for three seconds and then it hits and then I'm dead again

like it worked it didn't it didn't he it hits and then i'm dead again like it worked it didn't it didn't he's dead he's fucking he's out like a lie that was your first ginger that you dated uh you dated the rainbow huh yeah yeah what race of what race or color or creed or person have you not dated have you gone all over the place uh i've not white black asian japanese mexican i've dated them all yeah i think i've dated them all that's pretty great look at you huh yeah you don't discriminate you like everything yeah but your favorite is you should say you Mexican. I've dated them all. Yeah, I think I've dated them all. That's pretty great. Look at you, huh? Yeah. You don't discriminate. You like everything.

Yeah. But your favorite is? You shouldn't say Asian. I would probably say Asian, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, Jews are the best. They're the horniest and craziest and bad. Really? Yeah. Are you Jewish? You're not Jewish? No, I'm German. Das ist guten. Actually, I'm German-Irish.

I'm actually, when I'm in Ireland, my last name's Reich, you know, like Third Reich. But when I was in Ireland, it was called Richelly. I'm Richelly. Look at that, dude. But Jews are the best. Do you think that's... I don't know what it is, but I've been with a few,

and they've always been just crazy in bed. Fun. Ridiculous. Super fun. Super fun, super horny, just ridiculous. I dated a Jewish girl when I was in bed. Fun. Like, ridiculous. Super fun. Super fun, super horny, just ridiculous. I dated a Jewish girl when I was in college. Ugh, this is so mean.

But whatever. She's probably dead anyway. I hooked up with a Jewish girl in college, and she did the dead fish thing. Oh, really? It was the weird,

I've never had it ever again. It was the strangest thing I've ever, ever experienced in my whole life. It was crazy. She just dead fished it. And it creeped me the fuck out and i was like and after we hooked up for the first time i was like well fuck that you know and then she talked she was like why don't you why don't you ever want to hook up again and i was like i mean i thought you didn't want to hook up again because you definitely didn't like it she's like i loved it

i was like oh fuck i had that happen once you know what i thought it. She's like, I loved it. I was like, oh, fuck. I had that happen once. You know what? I thought it was... She was just chilling. I thought it was like... I think that's like you have to be molested or something. Something weird. Yeah, because the girl that I was with, Dead Fish 2, almost to the point where you're like,

are you okay? Yeah, I got concerned. Stiff as a board. I got concerned. Now, granted, I did knock her out. I punched her as hard as I could before we hooked up. Oh, yeah, I choked her. I thought that was a part of it.

But it was just so weird. That was the weirdest thing I'd ever experienced. I was like, I was like, is my dick that fucking small? I was like, fuck, man. I got a tiny dick and she hated it.

And then she was like, no, I had a great time. I was like, oh, I just have zero awareness of what you're going through because she didn't, she didn't talk about any of it. She just was like,

I loved it when it was all over. I was like, oh, okay, well. Are you sure about that? We can't do this anymore yeah right she's like i loved it uncle mike i'm like wait what oh yeah i know i hate i hate that like i had a girl that used to always say daddy all the time no i fucked that and sometimes i could see it's cute once in a while but this girl every word that she would say was daddy daddy daddy to the point like she even said her dad's name at one point she's like hey jeff oh daddy jeff daddy jeff it's i love you my mom's second husband i love you

that's so weird so weird that is such a weird that's a weird trigger right that's a strange i don't know where that comes from i mean i get it when it's like fucking puerto ricans or cubans and shit they love that you're Dead poppy and all that bullshit. Yeah, but I mean, that's, I think, that's just fun. I don't know why with white chicks it's weird. Why is it with like Cuban girls, you're like, hot, dude. But with fucking white girls, you're like, what the fuck is wrong? Did you fuck your dad?

I mean, what if guys start going, oh, mommy. Mommy. Oh, mommy. I'm sure that happens, by the way. I'm sure. I saw one of those things on Netflix about the guys that like to get like domed, you know, dominatrix shit. That tripped me the fuck out. These dudes, they like to get

kicked in the fucking dick and spit on and told to go lick the dishes clean. Dude, it was the weirdest fucked up shit. And the girls, you know, more power to them. Fuck it. They were getting paper. They were like, he pays me money to beat the shit out of him. What the fuck? It's like, yeah, dude, fuck it. Fuck that dude. He likes it. I mean to beat the shit out of him what the fuck it's like yeah dude fuck it fuck that dude he likes it i mean whatever i used to

date a couple of those girls i did a girl that would step on high heels on guys balls come on look at this guy's balls like he's she's just how does that not bust your nut you know i don't know man i i really don't know it doesn't rip their sack like it should i it probably does but she like would get paid great money and these are like rich beverly hills ceos of companies and she would just come over their house with high heels and step on their dicks and punch them and kick you know what you know what you know why that is something i think i have this theory about when you get so rich and you run out of all the normal fun things that's when you get into shit that's like you may not be gay like look dude will smith may not be gay whatever but he also ran out of pussy

and he's probably like i guess i could have a guy suck my dick i don't know that's why i think like robert kraft got caught at that sex shop not because he was like begging for a tuggy because you just ran out of shit and you're like i guess I'll go to this weird seedy massage parlor and get my butthole licked. You know what I mean? You've never done that, have you? Never, never, never, never, never. I've never gotten a tuggy at one.

Have you? You love it, huh? I mean, they're everywhere. Yeah, but I can't, I don't want to, why do I want to get tugged? Do they blow you? Full sex. Yeah, okay.

Guys that just go get jerked off is weird to me. Most places, it's hand jobs and butt stuff, like fingers in the butt. Licking ass? No, while they're giving you a handjob, they're fingering you in the ass and massaging your asshole. And then there's blowjob places, which are a little bit more rare, just doing that. But then there's the full sex places, which there's, I mean, in walking distance from here, there's probably like 10 massage parlors within five minute walk that you can go to and have full sex and they're all they're all yeah

they're all they're all brothels yeah yeah i knew i knew about blow but hand jobs are almost every massage that's how most of them yeah yeah but i mean that's fucking oh why do you want to get tugged well it just you know some people have what i think it is i think some people have an asian fetish so when they're getting a massage and they're like this is a hot you know filipino girl she's like looks 10 you know she looks she's 46 yeah i think there's something about you know when you're getting massaged and they're just rubbing you around that you know you start going what do they massage for like five minutes and then they're like come on tug tug no no the good place is actually do a full massage and then when they flip you over which is usually like they're

in the front they usually don't do anything but when they flip you over usually they go uh you know and you're like yeah yeah yeah my dick is hard right have you do every regular massages now or you only do no i used to be i used to be addicted to them i used i mean to the point where i was going to the gas stations getting the boner pills you know that you see the rhinoceros a hologram on it yeah and i'll take it before i go just because i wanted to be like oh look at this monster you know like Godzilla Godzilla come on yeah i mean it was it used to be like a real addiction because i didn't know that was a thing what are we talking every? Yeah. How many times a day? Twice a day sometimes. Wow. This website will kill you. Well, tell the listeners. Rubmaps.com.

Rubmaps.com. Yeah, it's like Yelp for massage parlors. And if your Rubmaps is thinking about sponsoring whiskey, Ginger is going to drop us a fucking email. I mean, I've talked about this a million times, but it's... Weedmaps, Rubmaps. Rubmaps. And it literally, like, you type in the massage parlor that's near your house,

they'll tell you, like,, oh yeah, I went there, got a handjob for 40 bucks, but wait, there, got full sex for 120. You know, like it's, Sex is 120

and handjobs are 40 bucks? And below jobs are 80. Jesus. That's what I'm saying. Why would a guy pay 40 bucks for someone to tug him up? Just go jerk off at the house. Oh no,

I get it when guys want to go fuck hookers when they're like, I want to fuck a hooker. That's what I do now. I get it. Right. Right,

but I'm also like, but jerking off is such an annoying, weird thing for someone else to do to you. I just don't get it. It really is. How I looked at the jerking off thing was that, like, you know, you just had an hour massage, hot, you know, Asian chick,

and then at the end, it's just like a little dessert. It'd be cool if it was an Asian chick who gave you a massage, and then just a big dude came in to fucking jerk you off no that's the one i want to go like there was there was one place a big samoan guy comes in just rips your dick right off your body there was one place on van nuys where it was connected of course it was on yeah and it was connected to a weed shop that same owner. And on the left side was just Cubans, girls, like fresh off the boat, 20, 21 years old,

like big ass butts and just hot as fuck. None of them had massage licenses or anything. So when you go in there, you're like, oh yeah, I'm definitely getting the extra 40 bucks, you know, for this. I mean. I like how you're like, they don't have massage, they don't have driver's licenses,

let alone fucking massage licenses. They just came here. What's your name? Whatever you want it to be. I'm tugging dicks here in this weed shop offshoot off Van Nuys. It's connected to what is it with the galpin or what's the old Keys, Keys, Keys. Rub me in the thighs. Keys

massive car dealership. If no one knows Van Nuys, they got like 50 different car dealerships. I'm sure they own that. They own that whole fucking street. You know, Van Nuys used to be the hot spot in Los Angeles. Like, that's where you would go every Friday and Saturday night, and you would cruise down the street in your car. I did hear that. And that's why all the dealerships are there.

Well, you can see when you go way up north on Van Nuys, those old big buildings with huge, huge facades, right? Because they look like you've seen this in films too it's like these old picture perfect like storefronts hanging out with big to big high facades that really look picturesque it's really kind of a cool look they're all bullshit now it's like always like a halloween shop and a couple of broken down halloween town halloween towns yeah it's always like this you know how like a chris rock or i mean i mean chapelle was talking about years ago and especially when he said gun store liquor store gun store liquor store damn where you're taking me it's like van nye's is like halloween town uh napa auto parts

yeah a cbs yeah it's always like the same row of shit things when you know you're in a an area that's just on its way out it's like those are the only things that stay are a dance studio a gun world you know what i mean why is that it's always like a kid's dance studio next to a gun world it also has halloween town across the street and it's and it and a cvs that's barely a cvs yeah it's not even a cvs it's a walgreens yeah it's a but it says wall on it there's nothing else left and a john's and a john yeah combo john's this is all fucking la reference bullshit people are gonna be like we can't fucking follow that's not kroger we can't

we can't we can't fucking follow your grocery store bullshit so anyway look i i'm the most uh i'm the most interested um and i was most interested in talking in deep about the desk stuff because it is wild like a lot of people now are starting podcast networks and i think it's cool that now everyone is rising up together and kind of building on top of each other and all these things are kind of like like handshaking one another a little bit it's it's wild it's like this new boom of this is like the 80s for stand up again except it's in the world of a fucking podcast right which is mind-bending to me because this is crazy i just got my hair cut and my, the guy who cuts my hair,

my barber, his kid is like 14. And I was like, what do you, what do you listen? He had headphones. I was like, what are you listening to?

And for sure, I was like some shit that I don't know, you know? And he was like, Oh, I'm listening to K Earth 101. I was like, wait,

what? He was like, K Earth 101, the radio station, it's an oldies radio station here in LA. And I was like, for real? It's like a 14 year old kid.

But then I was like, that's how it happens, right? You go so far, and then they go back again. Because we did the same shit, you know? It's like our generation loved records. And our parents were like, what? We got rid of those things fucking 30 years. I have a stack full of records that I got. We moved in a new place.

I sifted through all these records I got from my dad. And I remember being like, can I have all these records? My dad was like, yeah, I don't give a fuck about those fucking records. Like, hey, take all of them. And I took all these records. I was fascinated with it. It sounds cool because it's old. It's like, that's funny that his generation is like,

the radio's insane. Because it is. Have you tried AM yet, bro? Holy shit, dude. It did. It was almost like this weird throwback. It was also, he told me that the radio station, the oldies radio station that I used to love

when I first moved to LA, I like oldies like oldies i like motown like all that shit and it was it was 50s 60s and 70s back then 70s was like barely making it right now it's 70s 80s and 90s it's crazy 90s is old shit it's crazy yeah they're like look at this throwback band nirvana yeah from the oldies i mean that's crazy i get it right you you you i i get that we come to this age when we're like when i was your age but it's just weird to feel it sometimes when you feel it is when it's fucking absolutely it throws you for a loop it's kind of like i was installing a um uh a digital keypad door lock you know at the house and like you know the fucking one of the neighbors is like staring at me or someone just walking by is like staring at me

doing it sees me programming it and she's much older and she was like what the fuck is this tech dick coming into my fucking you know what i mean like right to us it's like yeah what do you mean this is a simple bullshit digital keypad there's nothing to it yeah you know they should all be that by the way i don't fucking why do we have keys anymore holy fuck everything should be digital digitized all that shit i'm so ready to be autonomous fuck that shit put me in the matrix dude loop me up put a chip in my forehead i don't know why people have such like people take such great care of their of the idea of like protecting themselves from that stuff it's like i want to be off the grid i want to be disconnected i was like dude connect me plug me in and fuck me off the space i take it i just got a tesla

and like that's right you did you got You got the X? The X, yeah. Yeah, the SUV. Yeah, and I had to go to San Diego. I had to kill Tony at the comedy store. And it was my first time ever going on a road trip with it. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to have the car drive me the whole way there. Fuck.

It was fucking crazy, dude. It was awesome, right? It was amazing. But that is to the next level, to the point where there's, I don't know how many, 14 cameras on the thing. And it's sending video to Tesla and sitting at back. To a fucking satellite. Yeah, to satellite. They could probably flip a switch and just control my car and drive it off a bridge and I couldn't do shit.

But I'm just like, more, please. Yeah, but I'll take it. It's so amazing. The bad thing about it, on the way home, I was just so bored because I didn't, I had no interaction with, I was just watching. What if you just put watch a movie on your iPad or something? You could, but you also have feel like that you should keep an eye on it, you know? But I was getting so tired. I mean, like within 10 minutes, I'm just like, I'm about to fall asleep, man.

So I had to disengage from it and actually drive. But they tell you you can't fall asleep because if your eyes go away right don't no no you have to keep your hand like every minute you have to at least give the steering wheel a little tug so a lot of people just keep their hand on it and kind of like so when it turns it resists a little you know there's also tricks where you can take like a bag of quarters or a sock of quarters and tie it to the steering wheel this is this is definitely on a reddit fucking yeah yeah subreddit that was just like here's the tricks for how to make it drive itself yeah so you you love it though it's it's how many miles do you get out of one full charge best uh i think it's like 300 yes i did i had i had the i tried a three and an

s yeah uh and the three the biggest battery gets the same as the i think the biggest battery is the same for all of them i think i think the largest battery they make distance charge wise is this is the same it's only three i think it was 310 miles yeah i think the largest battery they make distance charge wise is this is the same. It's only three. I think it was three hundred ten miles. Yeah, I think the three has the biggest one right now, which is three or five or three ten or something like that. Yeah.

But the X is heavier. So that's why it gets like a little less than it. Well, right. Well, same thing with the S. It uses more energy, too. Right. Right. Three is probably the most efficient, they say.

Three is the most efficient and the cheapest. And well, it is. But it isn't right like i built starts off at 35 yeah but you get up to about 56 57 yeah yeah yeah right yeah yeah they like to say that shit right well there's it's like when you get an iphone you're not going to get a 16 gigabyte iphone you're going to go do they even make that anymore now i think they do i thought the minimum was 32 now maybe it is now 32 but they used to be like who even buys you used? You used to be able to buy an 8. They're like, what do you want? A throwaway phone? Right, right.

So I downloaded two apps, and it shut off. It's like, yeah, that was it. That's all you got out of that fucking... But you know what? That whole numbers game is a scam for them. It's basically them violently throwing you into a higher bracket of finance.

When they know damn well you have to have that thing, it's mean that they tease people on a lower financial spectrum to be able to do that. Same thing. that they tease people on a lower spec on a lower financial spectrum to be able to do that same thing i just got at&t fucking came and switched my my internet dude these guys they're like you can get it 300 600 or a thousand you know and i'm like well what's the difference in the price and all that shit here's the deal right if you get more they give you more and they also give you unlimited so they're it's like well i want

unlimited yeah i don't want to fucking tether my internet right for five more bucks or 10 more bucks right so they know it's like i wish it was more like in and out where it's just like it's a burger and fries you're like what else like that's it yeah this is what we fucking sell at&t is kind of like that like t-mobile is the way to go nowadays you like you like oh it's the best here's the only reason I like T-Mobile. I don't know if that's caught you off. The only reason that I've told this before, and I'll say this again,

if you are on a fucking Delta flight, Delta? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Delta? There's more than one. Right, there's a few. But if you get on the flight and it says for free, well, Delta gives you free Wi-Fi texting anyway,

but American will say, if you're a T-Mobile customer on our Wi-Fi, you can text for free. Here's the trick. You don't have to be a customer. You just have to find a friend who has a T-Mobile number on our Wi-Fi, you can text for free. Here's the trick. You don't have to be a customer. You just have to find a friend who has a T-Mobile number and use their number. That's it.

Yeah, I yelled at Ari Maness for that. Thanks a lot, Ari. Yeah, that's it. I'm just waiting one day to be like, you've already used it today. I told him I'm going to choke him out if that happens. Because I use Eric Griffiths. Oh, you do?

I do. Because I know that motherfucker has T-Mobile. How do I know? He's black. Anyway. What's crazy about T-Mobile is it used to suck back in the day. It was dog shit. Yeah, during the sidekick years.

Because what happened- I had a sidekick. Yeah. So the technology that Verizon and AT&T and everything had, T-Mobile had like shitty version of that because they were working on the next thing. So they built up the next thing to this huge thing you like this huge like a 4g is what they were building while they're at while 3g they sucked at 3g so when 4g came out they were like oh yeah we've been working on this for a long ass time so now t-mobile is on top way better than at&t and sprint and verizon and it's funny

everyone's trying to beat each other to the punch it's kind of like how samsung and sony and all these places are trying to pump out 5k TVs and you're like 5k, nobody fucking pumps 5k anyway. You can't even see 5k. No. Well, here's what it is, right?

You, there's there, the highest, the highest chance of getting 5k technology to your 5k television is on, is on a fucking Blu-ray or, or some form of disc that you're watching. But streaming is almost impossible because they just can't handle that bandwidth. Well, also your eyes.

Like this is, you know, a lot of people can say different things about this. Your eyes can't even see 4K. You know, like I think it's- They see the highest definition of what it is, but they can't really see true 4K. You can do 10G or 10K, and you won't,

I bet you had 10K and a 5K right next to each other, you won't be able to tell a difference. Well, our eyes wouldn't know the difference, right? Yeah, we can't see it. Until we make it just fucking our lives and we're robot eyes. Oh yeah, that's coming.

How exciting. Pop my fucking eyeballs out of my head and put it in my robot eyes. Yeah, would you do that? Yeah, black mirror the fuck out of myself. You're gonna die.

You don't wanna be the guy who died not trying that bullshit. And someone's like, what if it kills you? It's like, well, whatever. I do think that, I don't know how old you are. How old are you?

35. I'm 44. I do think that, I don't know how old you are. How old are you? 35. I'm 44. I do think, I wish I was 20 years younger because I feel like we are just getting into the good stuff to the point where we're like,

oh, you didn't download your brain yet and put it on, you know, that grow, grow your mind. My brain's in the cloud. Yeah.

My brain is up in the cloud right now. I think we're going to miss that by like just like 10 years. Totally. But our kids are going to have it and that's going to be funny when they're like, dad, you're such a fucking dork.

You don't know how to download your brain? You're like, I lost it. I don't know how to fucking, show me how to are going to have it. It's going to be funny when they're like, Dad, you're such a fucking dork. You don't know how to download your brain? You're like, I lost it. I don't know how to fucking... Show me how to download my brain, please. It's too late. Then you're just downloading this Alzheimer's brain. You're just like, oh yeah, I'm going to make myself stupid again. Some kid telling his sister,

he's like, you have a fucking dad plugged in his brain. He doesn't even do it wireless. You're like, I don't fucking know how to do it without the wire. They gave the fucking wire you lose in your mind this is a new thing that i found out tech wise any of these new fucking and these new internet servers now if you are the if you are the prime host you can boot people off or or limit their usage on your home internet with an app which is the coolest shit in the world. I love that. And someone's like, they can search, but you are basically withholding how much they can search

and how much data they can search, which just tethers their fucking phone. So when people are at your house, you can see every user that's on, and you're like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. My favorite thing, you should try this next time you're on an airplane, is I have a picture of a dolphin's vagina, because it's very beautiful. You airdrop airdrop yeah and i airdrop it to everyone on the plane and like and i aired when

i first did it what's your name of your phone though uh dr fudge packer okay yeah because you have to have a fucking fun name yeah it's not brian but it's dr fudge packer and like it literally like 30 people at one time i had it and i'm just like since then and now that 30 like 10 people accepted it you just hear people go what hey yeah what the fuck mommy what's this talia talked talia talked about doing that i think he used to do that he used to send an asian family to people one time i tried i was trying to fuck around with that when i was bored somewhere and i was trying and so i changed the name of my phone to guy right next to you oh no yeah so then they would get it and they're like what the fuck man some guy's like what the fuck i don't fucking know i don't i didn't do shit yeah i've been doing that for a while i because i used to do and i still do once in a while uh if you look at your wi-fi network

sometimes there's printers and you could just print whatever you fuck so i would print out like like honey this is jeff i you know i miss you so much like like like and just like sending it to people like like who's this letter i'm held i'm held at gunpoint. You need to send $10,000 to this address. Somebody showed me, there was a new scam online. You know, these old fucking terrible email scams. It's like, send me this and I'll give you this. Somebody posted online. Maybe Billy Bonnell posted today, something about someone said, Hey, will you accept this Venmo from me and then venmo it back to see if my account's working it's mike so-and-so's friend so what they're doing this is basically just like millennial scamming over venmo right by saying because obviously it's an inactive account so by the

time they by the time that goes through the other person's already sent the money back right which is a genius movie they'll probably fuck a lot of people over out of money. Well, I think you probably have been experiencing this also, like how many scam calls you've been getting on your phone lately. Genuinely, on my phone, if I show you, today I had like 10. Yeah, I probably had like 45. And so my girlfriend, she will talk to them and like fuck with them and stuff. It's fun sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

But today there was one talking there from the police like you know like looking for donations and like can we you know can we the cops are always calling you yeah yeah i know but what's crazy is that they were like how about this you know if you could just one dollar we just need your checking account number and just you know one dollar you know just router checking you know and just like and so it's just like, they're getting your router, the routing number and your checking account number. They're saying they're only doing a dollar,

but you know, they're going to be like, oh, here's $100, you know. More. I mean, once they have those two numbers, you're fucked forever. I had to do like a business transaction with this woman and she was so fucking out of touch that she was like,

can you just send me your routing? And this is a business that I'm getting a check from. You just send me this information over email. I was i'm gonna encrypt it right i'm not gonna fucking type it in the fucking like are you out of your mind yeah like they have my name and it was just so like out of sight out of mind to her and it made me think this woman probably does that shit all the time and that means her numbers are fucking floating in space she's like yeah just put it in the body of the email i was like no i'm gonna give you the fucking routing and checking number account in the body of the email you have my name there someone can easily find anything else they want it's pretty fun it's getting scary like there's a

i have a credit card that i have never used once and i got it and i put it in my sock drawer and i closed it i locked it like like capital one lets you lock your card so yeah so like i'm like i'm not going to use this card unless emergencies today i got this thing like hey you know this was declined because your card's locked i'm like i've never ever used this once right and it was just a place in like van nuys like some like bakery or something and i'm like how is that even possible right i'd like to think you know how sometimes they say there's a criminal there's criminal activity on your card and you know sometimes it's like they always test it at gas stations or small mom and pop shops

75 75 but it'd be really funny if a criminal really did take it and they really did just go to a bakery that they're like I just want a cupcake a couple croissants

I just want a fucking croissant dude okay yeah which is funny because like I'm a giving person you know and I see a fucking

a guy that looks like he needs a couple of bucks I'll give him a couple of bucks you do that a couple it depends who like there's a guy on the street you'll give him money i don't do that anymore it depends it really depends it depends on what they look like it's like a white guy you know it looks like he's down nice clothes on i'm always like come on you got nice clothes on i don't know what it is i'm like raggedy it up for me even if you go change around the corner just just go do that make me feel worse about my situation yeah but

it's hard to pull up in like a nice car you pull up in a fucking tesla when a guy's on the side of the highway with a sign that's like for kids veteran right you know yeah don't you feel a little bit bad now no i'm like sorry i don't keep coins i'm too rich i just use cards you take cards he's like dude i got the square app dog yeah he probably see i stopped doing it because i used to do it all the time he used to do a lot and uh when i lived in ohio so you used to have a heart when you were in the midwest yeah yeah when i lived in ohio but then one day i noticed one guy that i always saw on the street get into a car that he parked in front of my house smart and this was like a nice fucking car and then i noticed that car every day and he

would just come in park and that was his job he just sat in front of this fucking store and he probably made like 300 a day got back in his nicer car than me and i'm like i've been giving this guy money you gotta appreciate the hustle yeah he's doing it there was a guy in chicago off of oh i want to say 94 um and he used to sell peanuts bagged peanuts. Chicago people know what the fuck I'm talking about. He used to sell bags of peanuts on the side of the road and everybody would buy one because it was like a dollar for a bag of peanuts on the way home from work.

And the off ramp was always fucking backed up. So people sitting and waiting, it's like, fine, I'll get a bag of peanuts and chew it while I'm fucking sitting in traffic getting off the freeway. And they call them highways there because they're not fucking free. But there was a rumor,

this is like a very street jokey rumor, but like that he retired because he made a couple of million dollars selling peanuts and how we would get him as he went to these big peanut plants and all the rejected peanuts he'd bag them up take them down to the fucking freeway how smart because they're not bad here's the thing food companies throw away tons of fucking food right penis don't they didn't go bad right they just they had imperfections so they can't bag them because they can't sell them for aesthetics purposes because people are like i don't want to eat a fucking lopsided peanut. So they would throw it away.

Dollar Store. Here's a great example. Dollar Store has produce and food. I don't know if you know that. I don't. They do. I've never been. Yeah, never would have thought that.

So there's one of my favorite shows, Good Mythical Morning. It's the show on YouTube. They took Whole Foods food and Dollar Store food, and they cooked the same meal on both of them. They blindfolded, ate, and picked which one. Almost all of them, they picked the dollar store one. Wow. And they were like— What do you think that is?

They were like, $32 per meal on this one, $4 on this one. What the fuck do you think that's from? My guess would be there's probably more sugar and salt in their produce. Oh, it's probably like— There's got to be something in their produce to keep it fresh longer yeah because it's obviously there because it's been rejected down the line right they have to do something to keep it right a little bit more stable and fresh because it's obviously about to go right mafia meat mafia meat maybe government cheese what's the name of that fucking show uh good mythical morning plug that shit i want to

watch i love it my favorite if you go on youtube and just type in Good Mythical Morning, look at their top 10 favorites. They're like one of those guys that they'll blindfold and do things or eat things. Yeah, I like that shit. I like all that shit. It's crap. My YouTube page consists of the best of sports clips of some of my favorite athletes, people blowing shit up in slow motion, like eating, smoking, drinking, taste testy type of shit.

That's what they are. They're the kings of those. I love that shit. And then I also love kids falling on their face. Oh. Kids falling, kids getting hurt is probably the coolest. Kids getting hurt's great. That's my favorite.

That's my favorite shit on earth. I love that. I can always watch a kid get hurt. Me too. No matter how I'm feeling that day. The younger, the better in my opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I watch one today.

I watch one today where a kid, my favorite is when a dad is holding the camera and he's 15, 20 feet away. And you know, this kid is going to go off this bike ramp that is a three and a half, four foot bike ramp. And he's going to fucking get hurt. Hey dad, obviously. Right.

And you watch the dad hold it. The kid eats shit face first. And the dad goes, you okay? But he's still holding the fucking, yeah dude he bit his fucking mouth i love watching that shit because it's always sent in by dads that are just who gives a you'll be fine you'll be fine you never have one that's like oh my god it's always like you good bud it's always dads being super chill about a kid almost dying if you ever get a chance to go fucking lose about an hour and a half go in a rabbit hole of kids getting hurt that's maybe

my favorite that's one of my favorite pages awesome yeah yeah what's your what is your go-to on youtube shit youtube is good mythical morning uh what's your guilty pleasure guilty pleasure either tv or youtube you i mean we know your other guilty pleasure is getting tugged off at fucking rub mapsaps.com. There's a few, man. I have a few. Like, there's a tow truck YouTube channel from Austin, Dallas, Texas. And it's just this web design company.

And their back parking lot is downtown next to a club. And they constantly have people parking in their spots. And, like, clients can't park there because they take all the parking spot so they put all these cameras up and they that shit's just getting towed all the time and it's just people getting towed yeah it's tow videos does that get you off no but how they edit it and they make like storylines of people like like there'll be people getting out of their car and they're like i'm just gonna take a picture out here you know oh they they they talk they they edit it they edit it and make it fun uh i

also like like kids eating shit videos like uh they have these kids that are like three years old and they're just like all right we're gonna try a different breakfast from every country in the world and these like little kids are like what's this and they're like eating and like well that's uh pig blood uh eggs and like i don't know. You like watching kids get really hurt. I love little kid videos. I like physically watching them get hurt for some reason.

I don't know if I want to watch them eat weird shit. I like mental shit with kids too. Like fucking with kids is hilarious. It's a good thing you don't have any kids too, right? Yeah.

I would. Would you have kids? I think so. I think once I can move, I will. Like right now I can't because I've lived in my place like 13 years.

Give your address by the way to the fans so they can all come over to your house. right now, I can't. Because I've lived in my place, like, 13 years. Give your address, by the way, to the fans so they can all come over to your house. But I don't know what's underneath my couch. You know, I can't have a baby. It, like, syringes all over his head. Yeah, that's true. You've been doing heroin for a long time. You know me. Heroin Ryan. Actually, Heroin Ryan is your alter ego.

Heroin Ryan. Yeah, I forgot about that. That's who you really are. Yeah. Alright, well, look. plug some Kill Tony shit. Even though people, it's sold the fuck out, they should still try to get tickets if they can. Yeah, go to deathsquad.tv, click on tour dates. We have like 30 cities. Also, if you live in Los Angeles, every first and third Friday,

we do the Ice House Chronicles, which is at the Ice House in Pasadena. Great comedy show. We also do a podcast at the same time in my studio dope yeah so check it out deathsquad.tv go to deathsquad.tv I'll put all that shit

where in the fucking description for the 80th fucking time for me I'm in Las Vegas next weekend at Jimmy Kimmel's

new club oh you're doing that I'm doing that it's open I'm like the third guy that's gone and done it wow I can't wait to go

check that out I think Harlan is there first weekend oh that's awesome it's open I'm like the third guy that's gone and done it wow I can't wait to go I think Harlan is there first weekend oh that's awesome it's supposed to be cool in Las Vegas go to andrewsantino.com I'll put it in the

fucking and my other tour dates are at the end of the month I'm going to Raleigh and then I go to Connecticut I go to

I heard I heard I heard about Pete Davidson and all that shit. Don't talk about it. I'm going to go now. It was so weird to read about it. It was so weird. For people that don't know, Pete Davidson walked out of the middle of a club

run by this guy named Vinnie Brand who owns a couple of clubs. Vinnie sometimes gets on stage and he fucks around. He warms up the audience and then he gives them the lay of the land don't use your phone don't do this whatever some comics fucking hate it some comics like it whatever the point is Pete was there doing a show at the stress factory and

he specifically told Vinny not to talk about his exes no he said kick anybody out that talks about Ariana Grande or whatever and then he gets up there and he says don't talks about Ariana Grande or whatever. Whatever, yeah. And then he gets up there and he says, don't talk about Ariana Grande or Kate Bagansdale. And then he probably made a joke about it, right?

Right. Because he's a fucking, it's a comedy club. Right, it's a comedy club. Relax. And he was helping them out because you know that. Whatever the case may be, it's a comedy club. Right. If you take yourself that fucking serious,

and I know Pete well. I like Pete. Yeah. But that's one of those things where it's like, we don know the real story we weren't there yeah and i don't know but all i do know is you know dude fucking whatever i don't know you know what he should have done the coolest move to me would have been gone on stage i did this when i went and did stress factory i joked about vinny i shit all over him about whatever he said he's a he took it he know how to took it he runs a comedy fucking club and so i shit all over him for a while. I shit all over him about whatever he said. He took it. He knows how to took it. He runs a comedy fucking club.

And so I shit all over him for a while, and I shit all over somebody else, and this other thing about the thing. It was funny, dude. So what he should've done, what Pete should've done, and you know, I'm sitting on my fucking podcast, you know, whatever, but I'm just saying it would've been cooler if Pete shit all over the club and shit all over him and made

it funny. And was like, yeah, dude, I fuck supermodels. Who do you fuck, you fucking moron? You know, like, he should have just wiped the floor with him. He needs to go with it anyways. You know, like when I broke up with Cindy Crawford, I never cared. I made jokes about it. She broke up with you first time. Don't fucking, don't placate.

You're trying to be cute. Maybe. She dumped you, dude. Maybe. Maybe I was a little too rough in bed. That was right after she fucking sheen. You got age! Go to little too rough in bed. That was right after she was fucking Sheen. Yeah. You got age. Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. Next weekend, Vegas, end of the month, I go to fucking Raleigh, North Carolina, Connecticut,

and then I go Comedy Store, La Jolla, at the end of June. You got to come see me. Come do that shit. Thank you for coming. I love you. Thank you, buddy. You're the best, mate. You're the best.

In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.