Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Santino sits down with Bryan Callen (NYPD blue, The West Wing, 7th Heaven) to talk about how Santino is a better athlete and they address the Chris Delano (D'Elia as he claims) rumors Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everything, because I have a spot tonight and everything, and I arranged it so we could do this at the right time, but... I'm really sorry. Ah! You don't give a fuck at all about me, you don't care about me. No, you don't give a fuck about me and you never have. Andrew, I care a lot. No, no. Man. Yeah, can I, are we rolling?

Whiskey and ginger. Yeah, we're good to go. Yeah, okay, good. Because you know what? I gotta tell you something. What's up? First of all, you got me, you had me come all the way up to Hollywood, from my mansion down the west side. All the way up? Your mansion on the west side? It's a manor. What do you call a house? You live in a studio apartment in Culver City.

Don't be a dick. What do you call a house with a lot of rooms? What do you call a house with a lot of rooms? Anyway, it doesn't matter. The point is this. A mansion. You like manor. It's a manor.

You like anything with man in it. That's the problem. Andrew. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is the one and only, the beautiful, the unbelievably talented, good-looking, wonderful, sweet, genius man that is Brian Callen. I love you, buddy. Thank you. You're one of my favorite people on earth. And I say that for all my guests, but I mean it for you.

I really do. I wish I could see you more. Well, you know, you could. You could just, you could text more or you could, you know. But I feel like I want, I'm really serious about creating a dinner once a week. Like, you know, just a community of guys. Dahlia and I, what's it, say his name? Dahlia?

Korean, Korean Dahlia. Yeah, Chris Delano. Yeah. We had one. Where were you? Well, Chris is who I love. But Chris is- You're a fan of his? He's a sugar brain.

Yeah, he's an idiot. He's got, yeah, he's about as smart as your average domestic chicken. Yeah, yeah. I mean, intellectually. Mm-hmm. And so I'm not going to sit with him and eat and have a conversation because that guy is not talking about anything. You and I can talk about-

I know that. Listen, I agree with you. And I hope he hears this you know he will you know that's kind of mean to say because you know he's got um he had speech issues when he was a kid i don't give a fuck does he really have speech issues people don't know this uh this is something i have privy to a lot of inside information of a lot of people around me my circle chris had chris was born with no teeth all his teeth are fake okay i don't know if this is true this is dead true chris delano was born with no teeth it's his teeth are fake. Okay, I don't know if this is true. This is dead true. Chris Delano was born with no teeth.

It's D'Elia, dude. It's Chris Delano. I know what his fucking name is. I know what his name is. You're spreading weird rumors, bro. I know who my fucking enemies are, pal. Okay? You don't want to get on the list,

do you? Why is he your enemy? Do you want to be on the list? No, but why is Chris your enemy? Chris Delano's my enemy because I got to tell you something. You have to be more specific. Because I just know,

I know his shortcomings, right? First of all, that's not his real height. That's not his real height. He's a legit 6'2". Nope. Nope. That's fake, dude.

I know the guy that makes his legs. I know the guy that makes D'Elia's legs. Dude, you're spreading vicious rumors that he's not going to bounce back from. I got to tell you something. I'm going to put it all out there. You have to be responsible. The Whiskey Ginger has a huge reach. Yeah, I know.

And you know what? Not yet, but it's going to eventually now that I'm on it. My fans know that what I say is true. And Chris Delano, his teeth were fake. Chris Delano's teeth were fake, and those legs aren't real. All right. He's just, you know how tall he is? How tall?

Peter Dinklage? Yeah. Same height. Chris Delano, same height. I know Peter. Same height. Same height. Same height.

Are you saying he wears stilts? No, he has fake legs, man. Bryce stilts. So he has no legs? No, he's got short little man legs. Tiny little man legs. Yeah, he does have short legs for his torso. That's what I'm saying.

Which is why... Have you seen him in shorts? Which is why... Yeah. Oh, no, no. It's why I beat him in every sport. I'll beat him in every sport. What sport would you beat me at?

I mean, you don't want to step in a ring or I get on a mat with me, right? You know that. We know this, right? I mean, a don't want to step in a ring or get on a mat with me, right? You know that. We know this, right? I mean, a street fight? How about a street fight? A street fight? How about just me and you outside?

What are you going to do, dude? I got nothing but heart and skills. I'm all elbows and knees. You would beat me on a mat properly on a takedown, but in a street fight, I think I would... In a street fight? Absolutely demolish you. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. What are you going to do about my feet? More importantly, your little ape feet. I got 10 feet. Don't fucking call them ape feet. Your little weird ape feet. Don't call them ape feet, dude.

That's a size 10 American foot. That's a little tiny little ape foot. I should take a 10 and a half. You have a little six and a half ape foot. Those are two boots. That's your house pavement right there I'm wearing. Now listen to me. Wait a minute.

You think those are 10s? Those are 10 and a half, bro. Lift it up. Don't laugh at my fucking... That's like a little boy's shoe. I don't like when people laugh at my... Look at your little boy's shoe. I see what you're doing right now.

Look at this full-size shoe. You're kind of breaking me down right now. Put your shoe up. Put your shoe up to mine. Let's see. No, I don't want to. Full-size shoe. No, I don't want to.

Like a man's foot. I don't want to. Do it. No, I don't want to. Do it, show off. No. Put the mic down so it's not covering up your pretty face. People at home need to see you.

Dude, you just fucking... You just beat me psychologically. You found a window open in my house. You found my back, the kitchen, one of the windows was open. You got in there. Now listen. This is what my friend says. When you play him in any sport, he'll beat you because what he'll do is he'll go,

bro, you know I'm going to find a window open. You always leave one window open. I'll probably find the window. You probably leave a small window in your kitchen open, did you? Because I can tell right now I'm going to get in there. I'll find it. Don't worry about it. You're going to sneak in?

You start playing tennis, you start playing. He'll find where you're weak. What do you think you excel at the most? Do you think tennis is the one you're the best at? No, I don't know. I was... You can't shoot... Basketball is definitely not in your repertoire.

Basketball... I'll tell you what I'm good at. Baseball, I bet you're good at shagging balls. You know when people are done hitting and they go, I can throw fairly... Right, go get all the balls. I can throw fairly well and i can feel the ball i couldn't hit the ball righty or lefty righty okay lift up your hands but i'll tell you

what i am man you don't don't fucking my i've just got to tell you i that's you know they're no they're for a normal size guy i think they're fine well that's what people when they look at a body when i you know take a shirt off and if a girl goes you have a good body when she goes up and her vocal it's not an amazing body do you think you have a good body right now

I don't know I mean for my age I could take my shirt off right now and probably awe you is that what you're asking you could take your shirt off right now and awe me I could awe you yeah

huh because you think I've never seen a body like this yeah you haven't seen what I'm you don't know what I'm working with. And I have an ass on me. You got a nice ass?

Dude, what do you want me to do? You want me to strip down? I don't want to say, I don't want to say, I mean, we could do it now, but I'd rather save it, if I'm being honest. It's kind of an end cap. Yeah. I'd rather put an end cap to the whole show. It's not a problem.

With you getting nude. I don't care. You look good, though, in this collared shirt. Yeah, I know. This is really nice. It's a big change for you. It you what do you why do you think you're wearing collared shirts now you're growing up a little bit a little bit i've been seeing you doing a lot of stuff on stage with delano and i want to tell tell you about that you and chris delano have been doing a lot of stuff together and i gotta tell you i know you guys are friends yeah and i know he knows that i

like you but he knows i don't like him at all. And it's really fucking me up as far as if I like you anymore, too. Do you feel like maybe you're the red Chris? What did you just fucking say, Brian? I'm asking a fucking question. You think I'm like Delano? Well, you built similar tall guys kind of... Time out. First of all, my teeth are real and I'm my real height.

Those are the two things I know that Chris is not, okay? I don't do that. All of his teeth are fake. He was born with no teeth and he's fake tall. That's a weird fucking rumor, bro. Yeah, it's specific, but I know. I know his family. I know his whole family.

I do too. Do you know where the Delanos emigrated from? Do you know where they emigrated from? Of course, Albania. Austria. He's Austrian. I didn't know that. Okay?

Yep. I didn't know that. That explains his white as fuck skin. You know what happens in Austria. Yeah, they fuck. They fuck, dude. Yeah, they fuck. They fuck.

Ask me what I've been doing lately. What have you been doing, man? Fucking. You've been fucking? Yeah. You've been on a fuck train? That's what I like to do. What do you think your fuck number is?

My fuck number? What's your fuck number? I put up some numbers, but... What are we talking? I mean, come on. Sub 300? number is my fuck number what's your fuck number i put up some numbers but what are we talking i mean come on sub sub 300 you think you're plus or minus 300 um 100 plus you're plus 300 yeah i'm a 52 year old man and you've never won a condom in your life um because your generation didn't have condoms when you were born that didn't exist right before right around the color

television invention i think that's when— No, my generation is when AIDS, when we thought AIDS was primarily where everybody could get it. Yeah. Who could get it? Who can get it now? So the AIDS epidemic, if you remember, the AIDS epidemic actually among European, straight European people, did not become an epidemic. You mean us? You mean European Americans, right?

You and myself and stuff. Why? Why is that? Why was, when the army did their test on HIV tests, the incidents were slim to vanishing? And why was it primarily gay men who died of the epidemic? Well... Because of the government.

Not the government. The government. They couldn't figure it out, but it was primarily heterosexual disease in Africa and Southeast Asia. of the epidemic. Well... Because the government. Not the government. The government. They couldn't figure it out, but it was primarily heterosexual disease in Africa and Southeast Asia. It turns out

if you are of European descent, you have a mutation in your gene that allowed you to survive the bubonic plague. That same mutation makes you HIV resistant.

The men, the gay men that survived the epidemic, the plague, it really was a plague and it was terrible and I watched, I witnessed it.

I'm old enough to watch all these young beautiful men. I was in New York City. I watched all these young beautiful men die. It was a terrible, terrible, scary time. Tragic.

A fucking war zone. The men that survived it were the ones who were doing the fucking. Not the ones getting fucked. And so... So the lesson is be a top. The lesson is be a top.

Be a top. And the lesson is that they couldn't figure it out, but that's why all of us, you and I, don't have any friends who are straight who died of AIDS. And if you're gay, you know a lot of people. Okay, is Magic Johnson gay? Most of your friends. We don't know.

You don't think so? Remember, Magic Johnson is also of African descent Magic Johnson doesn't have that gene mutation he's he's African American

but you think he was fucking so many girls at his height that he got HIV you never know with Magic who knows with those guys that's the best part about it women throw themselves

at dudes like that but he may very well be gay but Will Chamberlain fucked a thousand women yeah if you fuck a thousand women more thanlain fucked a thousand women. Yeah. If you fuck a thousand women,

you're probably, yeah. He fucked 10,000 women. 10,000 women. You're definitely gonna get AIDS. No. Never? No, well, there are guys who did it and didn't. Look at the porn numbers.

Yeah, but. One guy got it, why? Fucked a tranny,anny sorry a transsexual oh shit a well I'm sorry a trans what is the word

a trans a transsexual it was a man who had I was transitioning into a woman a trans person how about that

a trans person that's great that works and and he got AIDS and then brought it into the community yeah

alright we gotta get off of this AIDS shit this is gonna this is gonna last too long but I am thank you for the information. I really do appreciate that. You know way too much about it

and that makes me curious about you. about a lot of stuff. All right, well, let's talk about a lot of stuff then. I can answer any of your fucking questions, bro. You can answer any question

that I have. Because you know what? School's in session. Okay. Daddy's here. Teach. So take a seat. I'm sitting down.

Take a seat. Okay, I'm sitting down. You know what I mean? Metaphorically. Wow. Mentally, spiritually, and morally. Can I tell you, I've never found you more attractive than lately. This is what I keep hearing. I'm sitting down take a seat okay I'm sitting down metaphorically wow mentally spiritually

and morally can I tell you I've never found you more attractive than lately this is what I keep hearing I think you've got this vibe you know you got fucking sharp teeth dude

you'd be a great vampire I'll bite you I'll bite you right now yeah you're and you'll meet a man halfway see look at this is how I describe you yeah

Santino will meet a man halfway wait hold on an alien came down and you yeah Santino will meet a man halfway wait hold on an alien came down and said describe Santino go he's funny guy

but you don't want to push him because he's got lines you cross the line it's going to meet you halfway that wouldn't help the alien find me in any way they ever tell you

how a special forces guy answered a question and my idiot friend asked him if he ever killed anybody? What did he say? Asked me, I'll be the special forces guy. Lieutenant Callen, just curious about whether or not you've ever killed somebody. Never stopped to look, brother. Shit.

That's like the coolest fucking answer. Never stopped to look. Here's how another tough guy yeah let's do tough a legit tough guy beat beat a real street fighter and uh ask i'm gonna be him okay boxer criminal now ask me how i do against, I don't know, find me an athlete, throw him my way. Whatever. Okay. Yeah. What's up, bro?

Hey, man. Just curious. I know you're a tough guy in the streets. I know you're a big street guy, right? I don't know. I mean, that's what I've heard. I'm not there when they talk. Really?

Uh-uh. Wow. Well, we all hear it. And we also hear that there's someone kind of gunning for you a little bit. Yeah? Who's that? Giannis Antetokounmpo of the Milwaukee Bucks.

He's about seven foot nine. He wants to fight you. Do you think you could take him? I'll keep him busy. See what I mean, dude? You understand me? You're going to keep him busy see what I mean dude you understand me you're gonna keep them busy yeah

keep them busy keep your hands up what you keep your hands up I don't know not there yet see your tough guy is so

ambiguous I don't know if he's tough or if he's just if he's actually really scared exactly bro okay I give nothing away this is my tough guy.

Yeah, go ahead. Go ask someone from your neighborhood who wants to fight me. Tell me about it. Hey, Andrew. Hey, man. Jibbs and Jazz Burke over there wants to fight you.

He does? Yeah, bro. Tell him to fucking come over here. What's his problem with me? Are you buddies with him? Are you on his team or my team? Well, we need to decide before this whole thing goes down.

So tell me, are you on my squad or his squad? I'm Switzerland in this. I'm just giving you the fucking message and guess what nobody likes fucking switzerland okay what no it's a bit you're a bitch what did i do you're a bitch you came over here with the information that must mean you were chatting with i am mountainous region either you're a pawn for him or you're with my you're with you're with my team and you're trying to give me some inside information why are you shooting the messenger i just want to

be on i'm just you know why that phrase came about? Shoot the messenger? Yeah. Because people used to fucking do it all the time. All right. So let me tell you something. What? You're either on my squad or his. Are you on Jib's team or mine? Make up your fucking mind.

See, and I fight you right now. Jesus Christ. Jib gets scared because he saw me beat the shit out of you. Yeah. I don't have to fight that guy. Oh, so you beat the fuck

out of the messenger. Fuck the messenger. Beat the shit out of him. All right. Fuck him up. You beat up the messenger, everybody sees you did that and they go fuck he can't even take a message right this guy's an asshole okay yeah it's good I've played out so

many scenarios in my head of how to beat the system like if I own a store and you're stealing from me yeah okay I caught you oh fuck um you know I was gonna pay for this stuff were you gonna pay for it yeah I was that's a lot of stuff you were gonna pay for yeah I know Were you going to pay for it? Yeah, I was. That's a lot of stuff you were going to pay for. Yeah, I know. How were you going to pay for it? Do you have money? I have it. My wallet's in my... Fucking wallet's in my car, man.

How about this? That's why I was going to go to my car and get my wallet. I want you to keep this stuff. Okay? What is that? A couple of things of Gatorade and some Snickers? Yeah. I want you to keep that.

Condoms. Magnum. You sold condoms? Magnum condoms? Yeah. Those are expensive. I got a dick on me. You got a big old horse huh yeah

why don't you keep all that stuff okay yeah but in the meantime uh huh I'm gonna make you come back every day say hello to me and give me a kiss on both cheeks

man hey you're gonna keep that stuff and have fun tonight eat your chips and your Doritos and all that shit yeah

use your Magnum yeah tomorrow morning yeah 10 a.m. when I open. I want two kisses. I don't give a fuck you tell your boss what you did. How about this? You either tell your boss you have to go pay off a debt, or I'll just fucking call the cops.

So you come back every day. Two kisses. Good morning. How long do I have to do that? One year. That's a long time, time dude you're a fucking harsh you're a harsh motherfucker yeah that's how i'm gonna dad i'm gonna dad that way really i'm scared of having kids i'm gonna dad just like that i'm gonna dad just like that you can't do that if my kid burns his hand on something oh oh did that hurt yep the whole time.

I'm going to fucking... Dude. Yep. You think I won't do that? I'll be that guy. But that's child abuse. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Let me tell you what my mom did to me. This is what my parents did. When I was learning how to swim, you know the wingies? You know wingies? Yeah, I know wingies. My mom goes, you're too old for wings. Ripped them off, threw me in the pool. Really?

Yeah, like a thug. Guess what? What? I learned how to fucking swim. Yeah, I woke up learning how to swim. And you developed quite the swimmer's body because I've seen your parents. They're both a couple gnomes. Hey, what?

I don't know. That's the fucking rumor. That's the rumor? That's the rumor? That's what Chris Delano says. Chris Delano was talking shit about my parents? What he fucking says. Was Chris Delano talking shit about my fucking parents?

He said your parents are a couple garden gnomes. Whoa, what? I don't know, man. Is that real? Let me check my phone. Yep, just texted it. Did he just text you that right now? I can't believe this thing is live.

Fuck, dude. Man, you're mad. I'm pissed, dude. Where's your set tonight, Jack? Comedy store. Every night, bro. I'm there almost every night. I'm not like you.

I'm having a- I can go to the store whenever I need to you gotta check out you know check out of your home or whatever the yeah and also I got I'm a TV star

there's a lot of stuff that goes on with me are you shooting the TV show right now no no so don't give me that shit you're not doing anything right now

I've had writer's block a little bit are you working on something yeah I mean I you know I shot my special apparently it's number one everything but where's your special on it's just it's the best you know i shot my special apparently it's number one everything but where's

your special on it's just it's the best you know what is it everywhere it's everywhere you know what network is it like everywhere like every where is it it's coming out march 12th yeah who's putting it out like comedy dynamics where is it going it's going to hulu it's going to Hulu. It's going to Amazon. Hulu, Amazon. Yeah. Netflix? It's not going to Netflix. Why not? They didn't apparently watch it. Really? Yeah. Netflix didn't want your special.

That's right. That kind of hurt me. It was very strange. Talk to them right there. Netflix is watching. This is a direct stream to Netflix. I didn't know that. Guys, you could have watched my special.

Yeah, it sucked. Why would they say that? That's so fucked up. Who was that? Who said that? Everybody. Yeah, it sucked. Why would they say that? That's so fucked up. Who was that? Who said that? The whole, everybody. We all hate it. Fuck you, Cullen.

They sound small. Yeah, they sound like tiny guys, but I mean, they mean it. They sound like they mean it. How about I go into that office and clean shop, start smacking dudes around with my... Oh, why don't you come over here,

you little fucking piece of shit? I will come over there. Yeah, you should. Why don't you bring some of those shitty jokes on the way? Oh, you're a big man now because I can't fucking reach you. Dude, okay. I don't want this to happen on my podcast.

Yeah, but this fucking guy's a... I know, he's an asshole, but that's how it goes. So March 12th, your special comes out? Yeah. Complicated Apes. Complicated Apes is the name? Best thing I've ever done. Are you wearing a mask or are you going to have your face on it?

What is that question, man? I'm just saying, do you want to have a sellable product or is it still going to be you yeah it's going to be fucking me bro so you come out and you go hey it's gallant you do all that stuff i don't do that that's not a fucking i see you every night do this hey it's gallant you like you like a fucking that's what you do that's what you do son of a bitch let me do one of your jokes how about this i'll do one of your jokes i don't even know your stuff all right i'll do one of your jokes Alright go ahead I don't even know your stuff Alright I'll do one I'll do one of your jokes Okay fine Here's your joke Ready Go ahead

Dude You know how You know how What's up with this girl What's up with this girl In the front row This is her hair So here's me

Man that's not me This is you That's exactly you Fuck you man This is exactly you You know what I hear You guys know when you're at the gym And you've got your dick up

And you're washing your balls I don't do that That's your joke you're joking i had you the other night i had a problem with it go ahead yeah you were like whites rule what you said that's what i heard that's one of my jokes you were like whites are the best we'll finish the joke let me make sure it was mine finish you're like whites the best nation rule that's what you said i say whites are the best yeah and no voting for anybody else that's what I heard what's the punchline though you know that's the bummer

that there wasn't any fucking punchline I gotta tell you I know that joke yeah I go whites rule no one else gets to vote yeah

and I gotta tell you something white privilege has been good yeah no but then you go like this then you said the killer that Murder. Then you say, the killer that would actually make a lot of noise, whites rule, nobody else should vote,

and I believe in white privilege, but I still like black chicks. That's the joke. Yeah. Okay, so I redeem myself. Meanwhile, you're talking about scrubbing your cock on stage all night long.

No, man, that's not what I do, Joe. Is your special called Scrubbing My Cock? No, bro, it's called American Boner. It's called American Boner it's called American Boner you know I wanted to name it that though

did you yes my first album I did with I like your engineer I can hear him laugh I know I wanted to call it

American Boner but I'm too old for that I'm just too old for it but you named your new special Complicated Apes because that's what I think human beings are I know but that's kind of

the same thing it's not American Boner is a complicated ape thing to do I don't think so but I American the same thing. It's not the same. American Boner is a complicated ape thing to do. I don't think so, but I... American Boner. Did you do a remix of that song?

American Boner. Stay away from me. Mama, stay away from me. Yeah. My first special, I wanted to call Taylor Swift, but they wouldn't let me. I wanted to be called

Andrew Santino Taylor Swift so bad. And they were like, that's illegal. You can't do that. That's a little bit of a genius. But that's perfect. I think it would be perfect. Taylor Swift. Every time I have am taylor i am andrew santino taylor swift yeah what a googleable thing i think she would have been pissed then she would have been like it's cute

you know what i mean yeah then i would have dated her what i would have dated her i've met her i've met her i would have dated her i've met her justin bieber i've met a lot of same same i've met a lot of famous people. Same, same. I've met a lot of famous people, What have you met these people? First of all, I did MTV's Punk'd years ago with those people. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You were the... You name it, I did it, dude. Darrell Rivas is a buddy, okay? Do you even know who that is? Yeah, I played with him in college. Oh, you played college football? I did. Where?

What do you mean, where? Where did you play college football, Bri? Oklahoma. You played at Oklahoma? Yeah. What position? football, Bri? Oklahoma. You played at Oklahoma? Yeah. What position? Before I played in Miami. You played at Oklahoma and the U.

You played at both of those schools. Yeah, dude, I did. Hmm. What position? Safety. Free safety? Roving safety, dude. Roaming safety or roving?

Roving safety. You're a dog or you're an athlete? A rover? I came up with my own position. How many interceptions? You want to know the truth? No, lie to me. Yes, give me the fucking truth.

What? Less than how many women I've bedded. So, I'm not going to go into numbers, dude. I'm not in the court of law. You're not a number guy? I'm not a number guy. Did you graduate college? Yeah, I did.

American University with a history degree. In D.C.? Yes. You went to that school? did american university with a history degree in dc yes you went to that school yes you're a history major right were you i'm a major in a lot of things don't do that look at me ask me anything i know what did you study in in college bro fine dining don't fucking i studied uh i studied the manipulation of guys like you. You didn't go to fucking college, did you? Yeah, I did, dude. Where'd you go, bro? An acclaimed university in Arizona called Arizona State.

Oh, boy. Top university in the country. That's not true. One of the greatest. It's a party university. Party for what? Yeah, for party. We party with books.

You did cocaine all day, which is why you got a shitty nose. Can I tell you something? And why your heart's probably going to explode. You said I have a shitty nose? I think so. I'm going to break your fucking nose right now. What? How does that sound?

I got gigs tonight. Oh, really? Where you're going to have broken nose? San Diego. You're going to have a shattered nose at your gig? Dude, I have to go to San Diego. You're going tonight? Si.

I mean, yes. Wow. What are you doing down there? I'm doing the American Comedy Club. American Comedy Company? Yeah, company. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. I'm going to call down there and cancel your company. Yeah, good for you. Yeah.

I'm going to call down there and cancel your gigs for you. Why would you do that? You don't have that kind of power. Oh, yeah? I'm going to do it right now. I'm going to call the American Comedy Company and tell them that they don't need to book you anymore because you're an asshole.

Come on, man. Nope. Are you auditioning for stuff right now? No, I'm waiting to see... You seem to have gotten two big jobs since I've known you. I mean, like, look at, Comedy Club,

American Comedy Co. Let's give them a ring and a ding-a-doodle and see what they say. All right. Because I've got to tell you, I don't know, let's see,

I don't know if they want a headliner like you down there. Say you want to cancel this shit. Is it tonight or tomorrow? Bri, tonight or tomorrow? It's tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday.

Talk to them. They don't even want to answer. They don't even want to answer. That's how bad they don't want you down there. They know I'm calling. They're going, I don't want him down. I don't want him down here.

You what? They don't want you down here. You don't know that, dude. That's why they're not answering. They would have answered if they thought, oh my God, Brian's here this weekend. We should answer and get... They're not fucking there right now.

They're not going to open up until the kid gets there. It's nine. Yeah, but the kid is going to get there. And when the kid gets there... Then they open up? Things open up, brother. What are you playing? You're playing the kitchen?

You're not playing the main room, right? You're playing... What are you playing? Don't make me angry, man. The angry the 100 seater i'm a fucking national headliner really yeah really because i was just in san antonio and everybody said that they were like oh i went to go see brian in austin and yeah my buddy ed patella which showed me the video you made yeah that's right hey you're fucking idiot you're fucking idiot brian is what i said you know why finger because you know what he said he goes goes, I'm going to go see Brian, but I guarantee you it's never going to be as funny or as good

as your performance. No, he was like, Santino's no Callan. I love Austin. Do you know this? No, he did say, he did say, I'm no Callan. You know why? Because he goes, you're good. Oh, I love Austin.

I love Austin. One of my favorite cities. I float in that river. You did? I float in that river. I could, really? You swim in it? Well, I floated in it.

I want to. I got high in that river and I floated in it. Really? One of my favorite days in Austin. I want to live down there. You want to move down there? I do. I want to bring my kids and everything else, but you can't.

You can't bring kids. I got my work here. I'm too famous and stuff. Do you think you're too famous right now? Yeah, I'm an international. What's the first moment that you felt fame? In like, what is it, like the 60s? 50s or the 60s?

Dude... When did you feel fame for the first time? Dude, when I got recognized... Post-war? God damn it. Right after World War II. No, in 1990... I bet you popped.

In 1996, I got recognized in Central Park. A guy wanted to take a picture because I was the guy from MADtv, okay? That's right, you were on MADtv. And yesterday, or this morning morning God, you know who was so funny on that show? Bobby Lee was so funny. He's such a funny guy.

I can't even remember anybody else that was funny. I wish Bobby would know how funny he was and write. Michael McDonald was really funny. Yeah, they're all great.

Everybody on there. Will Sasso. Will Sasso is a genius. Jordan Peele. Yeah. Those guys were all good. How come you're God, nobody

I feel like yeah no one talks about you and that class I was in the original cast I know but no one really even says anything about that man it's been a long time

so many guys were so good from that show it's been 24 years and they're incredible it's been 24 years I guess yeah Brian never really amounted to much

I don't like coming on Whiskey Ginger and getting and getting berated shagged yeah okay well

too bad. You know I do accents, right? Do you do accents? I'm a big accent guy. I did it on your show. I did accents on your show. I forgot that. That's right.

I saw you look at this. Do you know what that is? That's how cool of a family I'm from. My grandfather died. Cooney Funeral. Yeah. Look, he wrote, give to Cooney when I croak.

He put the money in there. Yeah, give to Cooney when i croak he put the money in there no yeah give to cooney when i croak wow what a cool guy cool guy huh i like that guy hey so everyone that comes on here when he died 146 yep so you have good genes oh god yeah yeah i feel you're gonna die early bry i don't know man you really think that you wish that on me no i just know that you i have these feelings and you got a couple years I know you think I'm you think I'm gonna die soon

probably you're a fuck dude did you wish that are you wishing that on the universe no I'm just saying you know why you want me to die

why cause I'm cruising right past you dude no don't don't here's you here's you on the comedy the red rocket the red rocket

you call yourself the red rocket baby I've never heard anybody call you the red rocket yeah you have here here's the red rocket right i'm right here i let you get a head start yeah i mean a big one i mean holy fucking shit like 50 years and then here's you kind of careening out you're like one of the um one of those uh uh challengers you know the the channel i'm not yeah you are this is you about to just no i I have an extra engine. And here's me. Yeah. And I'll chill for a second and go laugh at you.

Yeah, and then I go ignite, ignite extra booster engine. Cannot, cannot too crusted too old must not, cannot must nap

must nap must nap. Tell everybody you couldn't come here you were late because you took a nap. I didn't take a nap. You took a midday nap

I taught my here's why Bri was late I did take a nap because at about 4.30 he has to sit down have his tea and his crackers and he has to take a little nap with his blanket

he doesn't even take a he sits in a regular chair and he puts a blanket right up to his neckline and he just sits there and watches television until he cutely passes out and then wakes up

four hours later you don't yes you do yeah you do and you have one of the maids come in and rub your little feet. No, I do not. I've got to get back to comedy.

And your jaw is kind of starting to fall. And you put it back. I do have staph. I do have- You have a staph infection? I have servants. You have a staph infection? No, I said I have staph.

You have a staph infection? I said I have a staph. I have servants. You have servants at your home? Yes. How many? A lot of them. Go ahead and name them. I have servants. You have servants at your home? Yes. How many? A lot of them. Go ahead and name them.

I lose track. Name one of the people that works for you. So now you're thinking I'm lying. I'll name... 100%. People ask me these specific questions. Go ahead. Ask me the person that works for you.

Okay, so Jeeves, James. Jeeves and James. Jeeves, James, and Roger. Paul and... Paul. Jeeves, James, Roger, and Paul. So no women you've employed. Wow, really good, Bri.

I have. Really good. That's really good, dude. I have. Okay. Magdalena. Panell. Wow, really good, Bri. I have. Really good. That's really good, dude. I have. Okay. Magdalena, Panellope, Jeeves,

Rita, James, Roger, Paul, Magdalena, Panellope, Panellope, Rita, and Gabriela.

Capoeira, like the Brazilian dance. You hired a woman named after the Brazilian dance. Capoeira, yes. Capoeira. Because I train in Capoeira. I'm a master. You have eight people that work for you?

Yeah. How do you do that? In the main house. How do you do that? Obviously my stables, I have rooms and stuff. For someone that makes... You know I have a friend who's that rich.

I have a friend who is that rich, who has stables. Of humans? One of his four homes. No, horses, sir. Oh. Yeah, he's got 20 horses. Who is the guy?

He's a guy who could buy your fucking red life. What? On the open market. You think I'm for sale? You could buy your red ginger life on the open market and send you to some country that still believes in slavery and put you in a cage and you dance you dance for men or whoever I'll dance for whoever eating their food mm-hmm okay mm-hmm you know I'm saying so you think this guy is able to buy me he could sell you to the highest bidder in Russia or wherever bro really that's right okay

you would be extradited. Extraordinarily. Extraordinarily extradited from this country? Where did the whiskey ginger go? And I'd get a little note. Don't ask. Right? You don't have that ability to do that. I have a lot of power, bro.

Oh, you have a lot of power? Because people love me. I have a list of people that don't like you. No. I can name them. Nope, they people love me if you had one superpower I have a list of people that don't like you no I can name them no they all love me Ted Turner how do you know he doesn't like me

listen because I talked to him if you had one superpower what would it be if I had one superpower yeah so you haven't thought these things through

yeah I have it's amazing how you haven't thought your life through if I had one superpower take that stupid fucking jacket off if I had one superpower Bri yeah freeze time really freeze time if I had one superpower take that stupid fucking jacket off if I had one superpower Bri

yeah freeze time really freeze time not a bad idea cause if I froze this right now like froze

yeah freeze yeah freeze see and now I can just get up I can put my cock

on your face that's not the reason knock you out steal your money to get better at something take your car and then you're like nope

it's to do jokes on your buds superpowers to do jokes on your buds. Superpowers to do jokes on your buds. No, the idea would be to get really good at something and then, you know. Okay, what would your superpower be? You'd be great at certain languages. How fucking boring. You know what my superpower would be?

What? To make anybody I want fall in love with me. Oh, that's something I already have. And then I would use it. That's something I already have. I would use it. Well, that's something I already, that's then I would use it. That's something I already have. I would use it. Well, that's something I already,

that's not a superpower, that's me. Go ahead. Ready? Yeah. What? I met you at a bar. Hey, how you doing?

Hi. How are you? What's your name? I'm Brian Callen. Andrew Santino. Nice to meet you, man. Nice to meet you. Italian.

I just noticed a, I love that shirt, man. Not to be weird or something like that. I just love that shirt. See, everybody thinks, I was told that it looks too. No, no, you look good. Like a substitute teacher, but I thought it was a nice color.

Yeah. Like a substitute at a collegiate level. Like someone that pops in for a little bit, does a little bit of work, and then goes back on vacation to do some more research. Thank you. Thank you. What are you drinking? You know what?

I'm actually drinking Knob 10. We're going to have two more of those. I really shouldn't. No, you should. What, you got something to do? Well, I did have to wake up kind of early. Where do you live? Close?

Yeah. You know, I'm in from out of town, and I have a hotel here. Well, I own this hotel. You own a hotel? Yeah, well, a few of them. I own one of the hotels here in this town. Yeah. Must be nice.

Yeah. You know the Puglia? It's my favorite hotel. The Puglia a few of them. I own one of the hotels here in this town. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Must be nice. Yeah. You know the Pugalo? It's my favorite hotel. The Pugalo's mine. That's your hotel? That's mine, yeah. You're kidding me. Well, if I was kidding you, I would tell you that you're ugly. Oh. Because then I'd be kidding because you're beautiful. That's crazy.

I'm on the top four of the Pugalo, and I have a 360 view of the city, and I don't know, just, look, I'm going to be honest. Yeah. Everybody I know died recently. What? Yeah.

My friends, my family, everybody. Everybody? Everybody I know. How? Did you try to reject for all of them? No, it was a volcanic explosion on one of my islands. Everybody died. I was the only one that got out.

How? A helicopter. I called a helicopter and I grabbed the rope and nobody else had the forearm strength to hold onto the rope. Your arms are painfully large. Yeah, so I just... Look.

Are you an athlete? What do you do? You're insanely vascular. I don't say this often, but I'm just going to say it. I feel safe around you. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassing

myself right now no my i feel embarrassed i'm the one spilling out all my beans probably go i don't know what i thank you brian yeah i want you to come see the place i want your opinion you know i'm i don't get a lot of opinions from everybody i just people tell me it's good it's great i want someone to tell me the truth. I'm married. I'm a straight man. I have children. Oh my God, come on. What's a couple of drinks with a buddy over the Puglia?

Come on. I mean, I guess a couple of drinks. A couple of drinks. A couple of drinks. You got a great voice. Do you do voiceovers? Oh yeah. I'm gay.

You just turned me gay. I just fucked you. That was really good. And I would have fucked you. And that night, I would have fucked you. That was fucking'm gay. You just turned me gay. I just fucked you. That was really good. And I would have fucked you. Yeah, that's good. I would have fucked you. That was fucking really good. But you know what?

I would have fucked you with dignity and respect. No, no, I know. While I pounded you. But then when I'm done, get the fuck out. See, now we're just, oh, look. After I just, look, it's over. Now I just came. Get ready.

Okay, we're done now. Now go ahead. Did you have a good time? Yeah, it was amazing. Yeah, it was great. Thank you. Yeah. So you live close, right're done now. Now go ahead. Did you have a good time? Yeah, it was amazing. Yeah, it was great. Thank you. Yeah. So you live close, right?

I do. You mind if I lie on your chest? No, no, no. You have to get the fuck out. What? You're just another piece of dick for me, dude. Oh my God. Yeah.

Oh my God. You think you're special or unique? The shirt line? That shirt's ridiculous. What is that, H&M? Get the fuck out of my house. You're lucky you're big and strong, or I'd fucking really let you have it the fuck out of my house you're lucky you're big and strong or I'd fucking really

that's exactly right I am lucky I'm big and strong and you're unlucky that you're so weak and tiny you son of a bitch I called you a lift pool so go downstairs and get your lift pool

with five other people that are going near your neighborhood you son of a bitch that's what you get pal that's good dude you're welcome for the jizz that's what I would yell out you're welcome for the jizz

as you get in your lift pool you're such an awful guy you'd be a good bad guy yeah you'd be a good i'd be a good bad guy you'd be a good sadist you'd be a bad good guy you're a bad good guy yeah because i don't believe it i'm a good guy yeah but you're a bad good guy i give till it hurts. Do you? Yeah. What's your biggest weakness? Giving. That's your biggest weakness, giving? Yeah.

What's your biggest strength? I guess in a lot of ways my biggest strength is realizing that I'm here to serve. You're a man of the people. Yeah, and I'm able to give until it hurts more than most people could bear. Will you address a rumor that's been going around? Sure. A lot of people say that not only are you uncircumcised, you've got a sleeve,

but even when it does come out. You've got a sleeve. But even when it does come out, it's just a head. The rumor on the street is that even when it does come out of the sleeve, it's just a head. So it's just a head crest

that comes out. Look, man. That's what I've heard. I have enormous balls and I have my cock. It is small. Very. And it does drip. Very. It is small. Very. And it does drip.

Very. It drips? I have a chronic drip. Do you think that's because of your age? The leakage thing? Do you wear diapers? I wear diapers. You do?

I'm wearing diapers right now. Are they thin, thin? No, they're thick. You wear thick ones? I mash them down. You do? Yeah. And I punch my dick in his face sometimes.

I'm so angry. What? Because he's small so he looks like a mushroom oh i know i have a mushroom cap but i have a great personality you do it makes up for a lot of your shortcomings do you like this whiskey walking around with a piece yeah i got a little bit of something are you regular no i got something i got a little something yeah something to share for the kids yeah yeah not bad it's nice uh they would write about it on a train do you know what i mean Like it'd be written on the wall of a train.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Like on the L train in New York. Yeah? Oh yeah. That would make its way out to Brooklyn. All right.

Me too, by the way. What do you mean? There's just a couple of people that. I got a dick, bro. You do? Yeah. Why don't you name your special that? I got a dick.

I got a dick. I want to call it, I got a dick. D-I-H-H-dash. Be good. Do you remember the first time you got liquored up? Yeah, I was in seventh grade. Give it to me. I got so sick.

Seventh grade? I got so sick. How old were you in seventh grade? I didn't even know where I was. That was terrible. Do you know how old you are in seventh grade? I don't know. I'm not good at that.

13? I was probably 12. I don't drink. I'm not a drinker. You just drank that 13 i was probably 12 i i don't drink i'm not a drinker you just drank some of this yeah a little bit but i'm not a drinker why not that doesn't i don't like alcohol much why not i like good wine but is it because you used to get hit no as i get older no as i get older your parents used to drink and hit you no no no man because that's what my parents don't drink either chris told me that your dad used to drink no my parents don't drink either. Chris told me that your dad used to drink and hit you. No, my parents don't drink either, but they hit me. Who hit you harder, your mom or your dad? They used to do it together.

At the same time? Yep, let's fucking hit him. Fuck. That's where I learned how to duck. Why do you never drink? That's where I learned how to duck, weave, and roll. Just chemically, it doesn't make me feel as good as some people. But you said you liked it.

I like it, but everybody has their vice. I'm lucky that I don't have to... what's your vice bry giving too much you think you're an overt giver i don't know bro what's your vice i want to be being so fucking funny my vice is being so fucking funny it's a curse i'm a comic i'm so goddamn funny that's my advice you're a good comic I'm a great comic okay man and here I am stooping really low hanging with you because a lot of people

in the community say you know your podcast is about to a lot of people say blow up now a lot of people say the red rocket is so funny but he's fucking around

with guys like Byron Callen Brian Callen dude I mean it's not gonna matter anymore when the Voyager dude I have a fucking step class I have to get to. You're not going to leave.

You were late to this fucking podcast and you're not going anywhere. Brian? Look at me right now. Brian? Put that the fuck... Dude, you're testing my patience right now. Dude, man, you're straight to shit. Turn around. You see that plant?

That was my last guest Yeah That's right You fuck around That's impressive Yeah I turn you into a plant Alright man Take it easy

Squirt your fucking body And turn you into Chlorophyll dog Alright Hey bro Let's talk about things of substance Okay let's I do

There's some stuff I really want to talk to you about Genuinely Okay Go ahead Rumors I want to talk to you about. Genuinely. Okay? Go ahead. Rumors. I want to address rumors. Go ahead.

Because a lot of people say a lot of stuff about you. Sure. There's a ton of people in the comedy community that are saying, I don't know if this is. A lot of people are saying you're stealing D'Elia's jokes. Dude. A lot of people are saying that you're stealing all of his jokes. That is not what a lot of people are saying. I've heard from five sources

I need names now That you're next special Give me names Names? Yeah Fine I'll give you the best Okay

You want all the guys that said it? Yeah I want their fucking names You want all of them? Yeah Okay Are you ready? Yeah Jay Leno

Dave Dave Chappelle Fuck these guys are powerful Dave Attell Fuck these guys are Dave Letterman These guys are big time powerful Gallagher Well, these guys are powerful. Dave Letterman. These guys are big time powerful.

Gallagher. Well, what the fuck do I do now that Gallagher's gone bad? And Gallagher's brother. God damn it. They said you're thieving. I'm just saying, they say, oh, you know what Cal is doing? He's stealing jokes from Delano. Did you start that rumor and feed it to them? Yep.

Yeah, why did you do that? Because it's true. Because you like to just sit there and watch shit burn. That's right. Man, you're a sick son of a bitch. You're a building I burn. That's right. Man, you're a sick son of a bitch. You're a building I want to watch burn to the ground. You're a sick son of a bitch. I put a lot of work and I got kids to feed.

Yeah, but you know what? I've been paying attention to you. I watch your show. Yeah. With the big guy. Brendan Schaub. Hey, names don't matter to me that much. You knew his fucking name.

I don't know who the fuck that guy is. Man, you're a bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. You probably do crime. Oh, yeah. How do you think we got in this building? You ever do crime?

I broke into this fucking place. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Have I ever committed a crime? Yeah. Yeah. I used to steal CDs when I was in high school. Yeah.

Bad motherfucker. Well, that's not being a bad motherfucker. I'm cold as ice. You know what else I used to do? What? I would help an old lady across the street, and'd halfway through I'd push her to the ground. Man, that's mean, bro. I'd grab her cane

and I'd crack it. Man, that's mean. Throw it right at her fucking head. Oh, why? I'd go stand across you old bag of shit. I don't like your old smell.

Yeah, you old mothball stinking bitch. I do stuff like that all the time. Dude, you're so fucking you're such a bad person. You know what I'm having someone do to you right now?

What? Someone's slowly letting air out of your tires. Man, I could fucking spin off the fucking, although it's a Tesla, so they'll probably fucking send a signal to Elon. Small stuff, dude. Small stuff like that.

Like I go to a Shakey's Pizza, you know? Yeah. And I'll open up the Coca-Cola tank where the syrup is. Yeah. I spit right in it. So everyone that gets a little soda drinks some of my fucking spit. You know what I do?

I go to countries where the rule of law isn't that strong. Like the Philippines? Yeah, all those places. I rent a helicopter and I get my Russian mafia buddies. They hook me up and I get a machine gun and I just mow villagers down. You kill people overseas? I know, I mow villagers down. You kill people overseas? I know. I mow them down.

That's not okay. It's fucking terrible. Brian. I mow them down. You just kill people? Yeah. And when I go to Africa, you know elephants and rhinos? No.

What are those? And leopards and cheetahs. What are those? And leones. What are those? You know cheetahs, right? Oh, cheetahs. Oh, cheetahs.

Cheetahs and elephants and giraffes. I get in a helicopter and I mow them down. You murder wild animals? And then I sell the ivory on the fucking black market. And I keep the rhino horns for myself. You do? Yep. Why?

Because it keeps my fucking boners real and true. So fuck you, Santino. Oh, you fucking bitch. Yeah's hot though i know i like criminal shit yep that's what i do that is hot that's what i do so you just go overseas just to hurt stuff yep and i i want to start i want to start fucking dropping weed killer and botanical gardens wait what yeah you want to kill weeds nah i just want to kill botanical gardens. Wait, what? Yeah. You want to kill weeds? Nah, I just want to kill botanical gardens. Oh, you don't like... Those big old trees, the ones that have been around a long time since Christ.

So you want to... I want to vandalize them. Wow. Yeah. Like an old willow tree? I want to drop aphids. I want to drop genetically engineered aphids that kill trees hard and bad. What's the point of this, by the way?

I'm just a bad guy. Yeah, you bad guy. Yeah. I'm a cop. You know what you should be worried about? Hey, I'm a cop. Yeah. And I just busted you vandalizing a tree.

Ready? Yeah. Get your fucking hands up. What were you doing? Goosh, goosh, goosh. You just killed me. Yeah, with a silencer. You're a cop killer?

Well, I'm with a silencer. I'm an international. That sounded loud. I'm an international... That sounded loud. I'm an international villain. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I kill anybody in my way. How many countries are you wanted in? Huh?

How many countries are you wanted in? Well, I poison the water source of a lot of countries. You do. And I hold them for ransom, yeah. Can you name any of them? No. You don't want to do that? No, fuck off, Santinoino You fucking small fried chump

Wow Yeah Sorry bro You're a tough guy Thanks man Like I'm I'm a little bit proud Did you

Alright well let's talk Let's talk a little bit Of current news right now Okay You ready Cause I know you guys Like to do current topics On your fucking bullshit show

That I do sometimes Don't say that Your show Your show by the way Yeah It should just be me I've done that show is it good

with you two sure yeah but now that the the MMA guy what's his name again Shan man his name is

fucking Brandon Schaub you gotta be Morris okay so Brickle Schaub god damn it is now doing a bunch of show with the one eyed southern guy yeah

you know what's his Thanos Thanos Van yeah he's fine i like him yeah and actually i like shan i like shab shab good too shab brickle shab is good yeah i just feel like they don't need you anymore over there and i i called shab and i said bud i need to replace byron and he said come on over. Easy.

We don't even want him anymore. I said, really? He said, Chin, Cat, nobody likes you over there anymore. Why? That's what they said. Why? They're mean. It's just what they said, dude.

Well, now I have to get in a helicopter and mow them down. You're going to murder the people that you love? I'm going to mow them down. Fuck. Yeah. So that's what you get when you fuck around. When people fuck with you, they get murdered. With the Black Viper viper yeah you're calling yourself the black viper they call me the black viper i heard that you got the name the kid yeah because of um because you were on one of those like uh megan's law websites because you were touching children i don't fucking age that's

what it was called that's what no they call me they call me the kid because i don't age dude but are you sure don't spread vicious rumors. No, for real. Or I'll fucking mow you down. The internet has told me multiple times, they go, he's called the kid because of his contact with children. All right, so anybody who says that is going to get mowed down. Okay.

I hope every comment to this video is, yup, it's true, Brian's a kid molester. Because that's the only thing I've ever heard. And I don't know why you don't do it on stage, because that could be a funny bit. No, there's nothing funny about it. You know when a fat kid's running away from you you snag him right away and you kiss him

and you play with his little jiggly ass no that's your bit that's a good bit for you that's not my bit that's your bit dude no it's not

and you grab his fat ass you hug him and you pump him oh man shut up you fucking racist pedophile that's your bit no that's not my bit

man why do you have a boner right now? Because I'm getting hard on fucking with you, Bri. That's why. Santino. Brian, your special comes out

March 12th and your show right now is on TV. Do you feel on top of the world? Yeah. Because I got to tell you. I've gotten everything I wanted.

This might be it for you. Probably. What do you mean? This is the tip top. You're not going anywhere else. What are they going to give you I've gotten everything I wanted this might be it for you probably what do you mean this is the tip top you're not going anywhere else what are they going to give you I meditate dude so I don't really consider this to be

I consider it all the time because we've been taking tallies this is an illusion the world what do you want in 10 years for real I want to be so

popular in comedy that you are my host okay asshole but what do you want ladies and gentlemen this next comic boy he is incredible I used to be something again that's my time I'm Brian Callen

this next comic is amazing he is opening up for of course our headliner Andrew Santino who is like the god this next guy is someone I've always looked up to Chris Delano ladies and gentlemen and Chris comes. And Chris comes out. And Chris comes out and does his bit. His bit.

Right. You know, where he's like, ugh, I'm Chris. I don't even know what he does. Yeah. And then you do what? And I come out and I just light everyone on fucking fire. That's what I... Bombs going off under their fucking seats. I'm lighting their heads fucking fire. That's what I, bombs going off

under their fucking seats. I'm lighting their heads on fire. I'm spraying them. With your comedy? With my comedy cum. Oh God, that's gross, dude. Oh, we can't breathe. I kill my fans

and I just get more and more fans. I kill them. You're so greedy, dude. You're like a vacuum cleaner. And you know how much my tickets are gonna be? How much?

$800 million. Nobody's going to be able to afford it. Good. Good. Yeah. Good. I'm rich. Are you?

Yeah. What's your definition of rich, though? No, I know you're a rich boy. I know your mommy and daddy are rich. Don't call me that. I know your mommy and daddy. I just have money, dude. Mommy, daddy, will you loan me some more money? That's you. No, call me that. I know your mommy and daddy. I just have money. Mommy, daddy,

will you loan me some more money? No, that's not what I said. Mommy, daddy, will you loan me some money so I can get through the day? So I can pay for my car and bills? No, bring my helicopter,

mommy. Mommy, bring my helicopter. So I can mow down the ginger. Mommy, I like tennis. That's you. Mommy, I like tennis. Can you buy me more balls? When I hit a tennis ball,

I come off the ground. You do? Yeah. You lift your feet? When I hit a tennis ball, I come off the ground. You do? Yeah. You lift your feet up when you hit a ball? Yeah. You do? I come off the ground. What's your serve speed?

You know you're not returning my serve. Please, what's your serve speed? Well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'm not going to put a number on it. 64. But if you pay me, if you play me in California, Clay, grass? You've got to return it from somewhere. Easy 64. If you play me in California, you gotta return it. Clay? Grass?

You gotta return it from somewhere in fucking Kentucky. Oh, fuck you. Let's go. You understand me? Let's go. By the way, I crushed you at tennis. What sport, what was your sport? Basketball? What was my sport, dude? Yeah, would you play basketball? It's plural. What were my sports?

You played baseball. Basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, football, badminton, looge, track, swimming. I don't think It's plural. What were my sports? You played baseball. Right. Basketball. Baseball. Hockey. Soccer. Football. Badminton. Loose. Track. I don't think that's true.

What did you do in track? Fist fighting in the street out front of the school before and after school. Yeah. Dominoes. Dice. Yeah. And fucking. Poker.

Fucking. Stealing. Parkour. Parkour. Yeah. And shoe trading. All right. That's when you go up to someone and you go,

give me those fucking shoes. No, and then you beat the shit out of them. I walk away with their shoes. Yeah. And then they get my old shitty ones. I like that. I had a bunch of different sports, Bri. Who did this fucking... Do you like that?

Yeah, it's all right. Yeah. Oh, it's not as good as you'd like it to be? Who did it? A gentleman off the internet. All right. A gentleman off the internet. Why'd you choose this?

You live around here? I live in here. You live in this building? I live in this room right now. This is where I live. Oh, no. Why? Is that bad?

Yeah. I'm going through a tough time. Oh, fuck, bro. Will you loan me some money? No way. Please. You're a lost cause. Please. You are not going to be successful. that bad yeah i'm going through a tough time oh fuck will you loan me some money no way please you're a lost cause please you are not going to be successful i know you mean that um i'll break this glass in my hand right in front of your face intuitive work so you think you're superstitious

you're one of these guys are superstitious yeah when i played when i played baseball yeah you know some guys don't wash their socks or their jockstraps? I would wash everybody else's just to make sure everybody else's was clean, but I wouldn't wear socks or a jockstrap. That was my superstition in baseball. Did you play in college? No. Did I play

in college? Yeah. Sure. What do you mean, sure, bro? I got a bunch of offers to go play in college. Different sports. And I said no to all of them. Yeah? Yeah. Kansas said, do you want to come, bro? I got a bunch of offers to go play in college. Different sports. And I said no to all of them. Yeah? Yeah. Kansas said, do you want to come play basketball?

I said, get the fuck out of my face. I don't know if that's true. It is. Clemson said, do you want to come play football? I go, Clemson? You think I'm going to go play at Clemson? What position? Quarterback.

And, and wide receiver and kicker. I don't know. Just because I got a leg. Look at this. I don't think so, bro. Yeah. They said, do you want to play all of them? I said, sure. I don't give a fuck. I'll play them all Just because I got a leg. Look at this. I don't think so, bro. Yeah, they said, do you want to play all of them? I said, sure.

I don't give a fuck. I'll play them all. But I go, not for Clemson. Yeah. They go, wow. Who's red in your family? My grandmother. My grandmother's red.

I'm the only one that got the gene mutation. Really? That's why I'm so beautiful. A shining star. Your eyes are getting old. How old are you now? You think I'm looking old

you got heavy eyes i have heavy eyes yeah do you know how many people say we look alike i know they go oh you they go you look like callan's youngest brother well and they say that you look like the red callan i look like an accident of your family like they had you they had all the kids you're the one they keep in the fucking attic now listen and. And you know why? Why? Because I'm a watchdog. I'm up there peeping everyone that comes and goes. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm fucking reliable. And you kill people.

Meanwhile, they keep you, they keep you in the garage converted. No, they don't. Yeah, you're a converted garage guy. I am fucking not. You're a converted garage guy and there's no shower in there either. Where am I? Mom, I need more toilet paper. Half sink.

Yeah, a little half sink. That's what you have to brush your teeth in. A little bowl half sink. That's depressing. You're a garage guy and you fucking know it. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I little half sink. That's what you have to brush your teeth in. A little bowl half sink. That's depressing. You're a garage guy and you fucking know it. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

I'm successful. Bri, wake up. That's you. Oh, what's up, man? That's you, garage guy. I'm on my nap. I'm taking my nap. I'm scoping upstairs.

People that I need to fuck shit up because I'm protecting the house. You ever been in a street fight? A few. I've lost more than I've won. Am I ashamed? No. Because that's what you do. Where'd you grow up, bro? Chicago, Illinois. Yeah. I'm lost more than I've won. Am I ashamed? No. Because that's what you do. Where'd you grow up, bro?

Chicago, Illinois. Yeah. I'm not like you, dude. Chicago. I'm not like you, dude. And you played baseball, bro? Baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer, football. You, meanwhile,

you grew up in Beaumont, Montana. Everybody knows. I've never been there, you son of a bitch. You grew up in Montana. Man, I don't fucking come from Montana. Yeah, you do. I've shot deer in Montana because I'm a man. Oh, you shoot things with a gun?

I was in the Missouri Bricks. I kill animals with my hands. Well. Like you? Yeah. I'll kill you with my hands. You're an animal. How about that guy who killed that mountain lion?

He strangled him out. Do you know that mountain lion was between 20 and 60 pounds? And he choked it out? He was like three or four months old. So it wasn't that big of a deal? No, that's not a year. Yeah, I mean, if it was a 200-pound male lion, I'm not a lion. I saw Rogan retweeted it, and I thought, I wonder how tough the lion was.

Nah, it was a small one. Do you do that? Do you do what he does? Do you go hiking and shit? I love hiking, but I've been hunting with him three times. Knife? Gun. I use a gun.

Why are you so tired? I thought you got a nap today. I know, but I'm getting older. I use a gun. Why are you so tired? I thought you got a nap today. I know, but I'm getting older. He uses a board. He uses a... What did you just say? Sorry, dude. That just popped out.

You're bored right now? No, man. Come on. Take it easy. Are you bored right now? No. What would you like me to do to make this more fun for you, Bri? No, this is good.

No, this was good. I'm telling you... This was good. I'm telling you about my hunting. Dude, you couldn't handle hunting, huh? Really? Yeah, he'd good. I'm telling you about my... This was good. I'm telling you about my hunting. Dude, you couldn't handle hunting, huh? Really? Yeah, you'd panic. I have a 12 and a 20 gauge.

Hey, hey, bro. I'm not talking about hunting duck or forest fowl. I like shooting birds. I'm talking about fighting. I'm talking about hunting. I like shooting birds. I'm talking about hunting Bengal tigers and pandas. I know.

We hunt and... You think I haven't shot an elephant before? Dude. It's one of the first things I ever did. Why? That's a noble reason. When I was nine, I shot an elephant. Because I like the ears. You ever seen a movie called White Hunter Blackheart? Do I need to watch it?

It plays John Houston. John Houston? John Houston killed an elephant in Africa. I need to watch it? Dennis Wood plays John Huston. John Huston? Yeah. John Huston killed an elephant in Africa. I need to watch that? I think so. Okay.

Are you a, what's your favorite? Cinephile? Yeah. I just watched Nutty Professor the other day. It was one of the funniest movies I remember seeing my whole life. Really? Oh, my God. What's your favorite?

Do you have favorite movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite movie? Yeah. By far? Yeah. By a landslide? Yeah. what's your favorite do you have a do you have favorite movies yeah yeah yeah my favorite movie yeah by far yeah by a landslide yeah couldn't even come close to any other film

Crocodile Dundee really no no fucking way what are your what's your favorite movies is like there's too many of them

Raising Bull what were the seminal movies that changed you? Hoosiers. Really? Loved it. Great movie. Jim Hackman. What changed my life as a kid?

Dumb and Dumber. Really? Yeah, it was just one of the best comedies ever written. Hoosiers. The Godfather. Yeah. Hoosiers, The Godfather. Hoosiers, I've got to see that again.

Such a good, beyond a good movie. Yeah. Such good, so many good sub-stories too. Yeah. Alcoholism. Yeah. Violence, race, class issues. Yes.

When they touch all those things, you got me sunk. Yep. And what was another seminar a big tom hanks is big great movie probably the best movie that penny marshall ever made i agree i agree with that what do you what movie moved you what movies changed your life i mean you know when i saw taxi driver and raging bull i didn't even know what to do with myself deer hunter that russian roulette scene there's certain and then i you know the pulp fiction man when i saw pulp fiction when i saw that true romance true romance with christopher walken there were certain like actors that kind of like was like what the fuck like walken uh king of new york did that make you want to be an actor yes yes do you

think you'll ever make it as an actor do you think there'll be a day when you go man i make it as an actor? Do you think there'll be a day when you go, man, I made it as an actor? Dude, I'm on TV. Do you know that? A hit show called Schooled. When? Tonight. It was tonight at 8.30. Oh, wait, oh, wait, oh, wait, oh, wait. The girl, the young girl

from Nickelodeon? Maybe. She's so good. I know she is. Everybody on that cast is so good. I saw the preview for that show Schooled and it looked so good

AJ Meshaka and she can sing Ali Michalka AJ Meshaka Michalka and Tim Meadows could you imagine if they took you

out of that it would be just as good no that's one of those things where like Tim Meadows is so strong she's so strong

if they took you out of it no that's not true it wouldn't even matter that's not true Andrew if they kicked you off the show, it wouldn't even matter. If they kicked you off the show. If you don't fucking watch your tone, I'm not going to get you a guest star on it. You think I can't get a

fucking guest star on it? Really? Dude. I'll make a phone call now and get one. You can't get a guest star on it. Yeah, no, you're right because they go, he's a lead. He's not like a Callan. He's like a lead. Come on, dude. You're such a mean guy, dude. You're a fucking mean guy.

You're a mean guy. Yeah. You read books? Answered no. Can't read. You can't read. No, I never learned how. Is that mean?

You don't read, huh? Oh, look. I don't know what that says. You don't read. What do you read? You read books? I just read a book. What'd you read?

Glass. What? I just read Glass. Who wrote that fucking book? Window. Bob Window. You? I just read Glass. Who wrote that fucking book? Window. Bob Window. You're a liar. Yeah. Yeah. And that's how I've lived my life.

Okay, Bri? I don't need to tell you my ins and outs. Alright, well you don't read. I don't read. You know what I do? You're gonna die soon. No! I don't know. That's what I hear. From who? I saw your medical records. You sick fuck.

When you squint, hey, when you squint, I can see your soul. Do it again. Look at that. I can see all the medication you're on. I want to analyze you. Break me down.

Yeah. I'm here to build you up. Let's talk about your parents, the garden gnomes. You say that one more time I'm gonna break this over your fucking head hey dude I'm just fucking

yeah you better be all I'm doing you fucking better be Bri don't shoot the messenger I'm gonna shoot the messenger that's the name of this episode is gonna be called shoot the messenger

shoot the messenger shoot him kill him fuck him up and then show everyone in town what you did Bri so this weekend this is gonna come out

in a couple of days this weekend you're in San Diego yeah so go see Brian Callen if there are any tickets left that aren't scalped yeah bry so this weekend this is going to come out in a couple of days this weekend you're in San Diego yeah so go see Brian Callen if there are any tickets left that aren't scalped yeah it's going to be hard

because you are hilarious the American comedy company you know I love you and I respect you and I'm so happy that you came thanks buddy I'm happy to have been you're like one of my favorite

um actors turned comedian turned actor turned kind of like business retiree. You're my favorite. I'm also an athlete, dude.

Un-hyphenate hyphenate. I'm an athlete. Why don't we play some fucking sports? You're affable, but you're not an athlete. I'll beat you in anything you fucking want. What? Anything you fucking want. How about this?

Everybody below, comment what sport you'd like to see Brian and I play, and we will go one on one and whatever you want and god damn is that gonna be I just thought about how fun that's gonna be

in my head yeah beating you at every fucking sport really golf tennis football

baseball basketball frisbee tennis fighting golf fucking fighting

tennis fucking green thumbing dude I'll grow a better garden than you no you won't fucking A

I will dude I can grow a garden dude I grow my own food which is why I'm so healthy You know truffles? I can grow truffles They're so hard to grow You know how they find white truffles? Pigs Pigs and dogs

You think I'm not cultured? You do some reading Brian Callen Most going to be... Most populous country in Africa? Most populous country? Yeah. Most populated country in Africa. Most populous country in Africa.

That's how we would say it. Educated people. Sorry. It's Egypt. Close. Not bad. It's Egypt. It's not.

It's Egypt. Just because you say it... Hey, it's Egypt. It's on the west side of Africa. That's a hint. Nigeria. Wow. Do you see how I got that?

Do you see how smart I am? I don't know if you got that. I got it. All right. Most populous city in the United States. Ready? Yeah. On the count of three, say it.

One. Populous. The most populous city in the United States. On the count of three, say it. One, two, three. Los Angeles. Dude, not even close. No? No. The most populous city in the United States. I thought you said in Los Angeles. The most populous city in Los Angeles is Los Angeles? How could that, what is that? I don't know. The most populous city in Los Angeles. In the United States that what is that I don't know the most populous city in Los Angeles in the United States might be New York City no not even Boston no Atlanta nope what is it I don't know Andrew Brian Callen is a beautiful man and a lover and a sweetheart he'll

be at the American Comedy Company tonight and tomorrow go fucking see him go to Brian Callen is a beautiful man and a lover and a sweetheart. He'll be at the American Comedy Company tonight and tomorrow. Go fucking see him. Go to briancallen.com if you want to look at some of his nudes. Send him emails. Comment below what sports you want to see me beat the shit out of Brian in. Talk negative stuff online to Brian. Tweet at him, at Brian Callen. Go on the Fighter and the Kids YouTube page and just all over.

No, don't do that. No, don't do that, man. All over it. I'll have Whiskey Ginger canceled. Okay, do it. I double dog dare you. I triple dog dare you. I could text right now.

Do it. Text, text, text the podcast guy. You asked for it, sunshine. I'm going to be in Boise at the end of the month. Go to androsantino.com and check that the fuck out. I'm so happy that Brian came. I really do appreciate it, dude. Anytime, bro.

Hey, look at me look at me i can't come up to your room you're coming up to my fucking room you're hey but i'm busy bry yeah you're coming up to my room i have so much all right perfect thanks guys Perfect. Thanks guys.