Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Bryan Callen 2.0

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

Santino sits down with the oldest living comedian today Bryan Callen TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com/ FOLLOW ME ON INSTA https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER PODCAST ON INSTA https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ FOLLOW BRYAN ON INSTA: https://www.instagram.com/bryancallen/?hl=en GO SEE BRYAN LIVE: https://www.bryancallen.com WATCH THE FIGHTER AND THE KID: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6AbsTfBMQ_dHjtipwh3bZg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I literally show up, I think, Wednesday night, and I'm there till Monday, dude. 18th to the 23 23rd go on andrewsantino.com to get tickets or go to JFL 42 I'm one of the 42 it's going to be fucking incredible I can't wait to do it and then I'm off until November but in November I'm going to Nashville Tennessee T-E-N-N-E-S-S-E, baby, November 8th and 9th. Then I'm in Cobbs and San Francisco the 15th and the 16th of November. Then I'm in Indianapolis the 21st, 22nd, 23rd. And then I am going to be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California, December 6th and the 7th.

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Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Well, good. You know, I had to fight through traffic,

and I got to wake up really early in the morning. You got to fight through traffic, and why got to wake up really early in the morning. You got to fight through traffic, and you got to... Why don't you eat the mic a little bit so we can get you... I had to fight through traffic to get here, and the plus side is my sister's here. I don't have time to see her. I've got to go back, wake up early, because I'm a working actor.

You're a working actor. Yeah. I never stopped working. What are you working on right now? Schooled on ABC. It doesn't matter. Yeah, no, it doesn't, because no one's going see it ladies and gentlemen welcome back to whiskey jigger my guest today is one of my favorite people on earth i say that for all my guests but i mean it once again

it is mr brian callan brian callan is it good to meet you it's our first time meeting in the real world usually we've dm'd on on the internet and brian has dm me and said you're a babe you're a good actor i wish i could be like you can you train me and i said i guess you know it's a couple grand an hour and and you said whatever you need i want your talent train me as an actor yeah what would you say to me uh quit i would tell you to quit if i was you actually it's funny i've helped um here's some why don't you pour yourself some blantons we're drinking blantons today because beautiful whiskey Callan saw it and wanted it. I've helped some comics who are not actors.

I've helped some athletes who are not actors. And it's very difficult unless you've kind of trained, right? You studied theater, right? I study the world and I study me. I study me. I understand that, Andrew Santino, but you've also studied acting. I'm the best actor that you know. End of discussion.

Well, all right. I'm the best actor that you've ever met, ever. Okay, so. And you could use a couple of my notes. Note one. Okay, so let's see what you do. I'll give you a line. Go ahead.

Let's see you act. Look at me and say, Diane ain't much of a living boy. I'll give you a line. Go ahead. Let's see you act. Look at me and say, Diane ain't much of a living boy. Do I have to say it with that douchey southern accent that you just... What was that? Was that... Is that what... Do I have to sound like...

That's not... My southern accent is amazing. Diane ain't much of a living boy. That's pretty good, dude. Is that your accent? Diane ain't much... Diane ain't much of a living boy. That's really...

That's absolutely terrible. No one in the South sounds like that. Well. Here we go, ready? That's from the outskirts of Niles. No, a real Southern accent is, dying, dying ain't much of a living, boy. You want me to end this fucking podcast right now, because that was so goddamn good? Dude.

Dying. I like, I like playing characters that sound like they're shouting in the wind. Yeah, that's... You know what I'm saying? That's not real. That's not a good character. I've been out here a long time. Already have been out here a long time.

What is that? It's a choice I make. It's a bad choice. No, I'm a good actor. Rye, first of all, thank you for coming. I really love you. I'm happy to see you again. You look as good as you usually do.

You look really fit um i i'm surprised that you've kind of managed to stay so well you joke but it pulled together at 52 i uh i don't mention age this is not about age for me well i wake up in my fuck you know what's different about me for real like as i get older yeah my waking up is is my body is literally in wet cement. I've got to warm my goddamn feet up. What? If I'm playing tennis or boxing, doing the shit I do, I'm great when I'm warmed up.

And then the next day, man, it takes me a long time to get the motor going. Really? Fuck yes. What do you think that is? It's just what your body ages. You're getting closer to death. Yeah, i'm dying

which is why i'm i want to get on met forum on i want to do all of it i want to do what's the thing you need to do before you die that you haven't done what's the one thing you haven't that you haven't done uh you've checked a lot of boxes i have checked a lot of successful been on television. You've got little people that you've made. You've had wild nights in West Hollywood, out at the manhole. You've had weird nights. What did you say?

You've had wild nights at the manhole. Guys, I haven't had man sex. No, yes, you have. We talked about it before. This is unprecedented. You talked to me. You said, I've been to the manhole a couple of times in my life. I needed the money when I was younger, and I don't remember a lot of it. Okay.

So you were a cute little busboy. A lot of that's a blur. You had to do some favors. Here's what I want to do. Yeah. I would like to become semi-fluent in the art of salsa. And I would like to go to España and I would like to

fucking dance. And I would like to go to Argentina, Chile, Uruguay. What was the last one? Uruguay. Which, by the way, I consider, I think, the safest and best place to visit in

South America, rated by Conde Nast or something. But I want to go there and I want to dance in South America, rated by Condé Nast or something. But I want to go there and I want to dance. And I'm not kidding. Why? I don't know. I want to dance. You feel like that's what you need?

I think we all need more dancing. Yeah. Are you going to participate in this Bert Kreischer dancing thing that he's got going on then? Is this going to be up your alley? I'll win. You think you'll outdance him? He's not a bad athlete.

I saw his, first of all, he can dance. Second of all, I saw his golf swing. I said, you got a golf swing. I think Bert might be heavy, but Bert's an athlete. He's thick. He's thick, but he's a good athlete. Yeah, yes, I mean, I guess. But, I mean, at some point, you know, this thing, he's carrying around weight.

I don't know if it's just booze. I think it's also stress. I think it's pressure and stress. Yeah, he's sensitive. He's a sensitive guy. He takes it all in, all of it. Food, booze, emotions, and it all sits. That's why I think he's a dedicated, funny comedian because he cares.

What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of? Yeah. Like when you – so we all – I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with anxiety. Do you do that? Do you ever wake up like that? I wake up like that a lot.

Do you wake up sweaty? No, only if I eat red meat and drink fucking red wine. Then I wake up in the middle of the night sweaty. I can't do it. As you get older, I have to be very careful. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of dying before I've accomplished what I want to accomplish. That's a great answer.

I'm afraid of dying before I'm ready. Because people talk about they're not afraid to die. You're afraid to die, aren't you? We all are. A lot of people don't really care. A lot of people are ready to go. Some people are suicidal and some people don't have purpose. No, no, I'm just saying a lot of people just don't care.

Yeah. Think about it like this. There's got to be a good amount of people that are doing jobs they don't really like. They may be with someone they're not a fan of. Things aren't going right. And they're like, it's fine if I get out of here. But I get so frustrated with, dude, I have people that reach out to me and they have something going on, something wrong.

Depression. They're broke. Or they have very bad psoriasis. And I'll say to them, the first thing I say is, how are you living your life? And I've had a couple of people ask me for money, more than a couple.

And you always give money. And if anybody's looking for money, Brian will give you money. Just DM Brian Callen. You've always given people money. I do give a lot of money. A lot of money. A lot of money.

I do. You gave $5,000 to a kid you've never met because he DM'd you and said this is my problem and I really need it I think that's a really noble thing that's not true

you should continue to do that Brian go ahead you're spreading fucking rumors no I'm not no I'm not yes I am Robin Hood but still yes you've done a lot of good

and you're going to continue to which is what I like about you $5,000 is five cents you saw me I just got a huge deal you did get a huge deal can you come do our movie for a month for $5 million?

And I went, call me when you're serious, you piece of shite. And I hung up. Did you say that to them? Yeah. That sounds like a bad move. Yeah, you know what? What would your dream role be? Because it's obviously not what you're doing right now.

I'm going to finish this thought, then I'm going to tell you. Mm-hmm. So people ask you money. When you ask them some questions, you start to realize that they are ensuring their own failure. That they are doing everything to make sure that they stay in a position where they're desperate and need money or where they're just, you know,

this one guy asked me about what doctors would help with psoriasis. Then I find out he drinks and eats all day long and i'm like well my my favorite is my friend is a director um and successful one he goes how do you have so much energy and he's smoking and i go well i just you know eat well exercise and he goes i know but i'm just tired and i go you want me to help you and he goes yeah yeah i want that's what I'm asking. I want you to teach me what to do. And so I said, well, you got to stop fucking smoking.

Let's start there. And he goes, no, I can't. I can't do that. I go, okay. I don't know where to go from here. But maybe smoking is what he needs to live. It's killing him, but it might be what it is. Like for you, you need affirmation to live right

yeah because if you don't get affirmation you would die you need people to go good job brian you did good that's very funny i i need to be doing comedy and i need to feel that that affirmation you we all every comedian needs someone to go that's great this is good or we do wither away and die yeah you die yeah um so so that's like my buddy's brother is a gambler and he's a doorman in in new york city and he's always broke and i said but you but he's broke but he's he gambles but he's he makes a lot of money you make a lot of money as a doorman because you're in the union he goes yeah i know and he spends it all he's always running i go you know what why does he gamble for christ's sake and you know he said he goes because if he didn't gamble he'd be he'd just be a doorman that's right and i went

he needs the juice he needs it dude that that fuels him that's one of those this is what people forget i talked to somebody on this podcast about why they don't drink anymore and they were like oh it's just people use it to like get rid of sadness. And I was like, yeah, sure. People need a vice of some kind to get rid of how sad yours is. Martial arts, I guess. You know, I protect the weak. You like working out. I give to the poor and I protect the weak.

You like working out. I train. You like working out. You say train all the time and it drives me fucking nuts. You don't train. You're not training for shit. No, I train. You work out. And train all the time and it drives me fucking nuts you don't train you're not training for shit no I train you work out and I've seen some of the videos

it's not it's just I practice my hands are stupid fast and I've told you this before and I mean this wholeheartedly like friend to friend yeah

I would pay an insane amount of money to street fight you I want to street fight you so bad what are you going to do about my angles what are you going to do about bad. What are you going to do about my angles? What are you going to do about my anger? What happens when I drop a level and I knock that beard off your face?

Here's what's going to happen. You knock me down and you're like, I won. I'm up again. I'm like in casino when he's like, you come at him with a bet, he'll come back with a gun. You hit him with a gun, he'll keep coming and coming and coming. So you better fucking kill him. So you better fucking me otherwise i'm gonna come back and come back and

come back i am the cat who has all of the lives i am mario with the fucking game genie you're never gonna kill me well i'm gonna come back i know who teaches knife fighting and uh he's he really is a knife guy and he goes well i'll just unzip you that's scared that's guy. And he goes, well, I'll just unzip you. That's scary. That's scary. He goes, I open your arm up and you'll lose hydraulics in eight seconds. Yeah, you're gone. And I was like, oh my.

Have you been stabbed? A lot. You've never been stabbed? No. Have you ever been robbed? No. You've never been robbed? Not a gun point or a knife point.

What about just tough point? What if a guy's like, give me your fucking wallet? I'm going to fight. You're going to fucking fight Not a gun point or a knife point. What about just tough point? What if a guy's like, give me your fucking wallet? I'm going to fight. You're going to fucking fight. I'm going to get low. I'm going to bear down. Yeah. And I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. Uh-oh. Yeah. If you said that to a man, I would die laughing. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Rockabye.

Rockabye. Baby. Is that'm going to go. Rockabye. Rockabye. Baby. Is that what you... Baby. Rockabye. And that's peppering him. Rockabye. Bay. And even Bay is... That's three quarter shot. Baby. Yeah. Skilled and talented. Tell me what's

going on with Schooled. It's a good time. We have this wonderful woman named Hanifa. I don't know her last name. I'm an asshole for not. She's a new. She's new to the show. And she's so funny.

She was in Rent. She was the soloist in there in 525. She was in Avenue Q. She's one of those actresses, like, she comes in and I just go, oh, the reading. I'm like, oh. And I recognized her from, I was like, I knew she was a theater actress from New York and I was like, you are,

and I tried to think, she's done every Broadway thing, but she's just so fucking, those New York actors who spend, who cut their teeth on the stage. Well, they're better than anybody in LA. They're better than anybody. Yeah, they're better than anybody in LA. And she's so funny. So I love. Do you feel outacted often

on the show? Yeah, with a person like that, you do. Although I will, I'm going to tout my own horn for a second. Toot my own horn. I like tout. They had to come in on me and I had to be teary-eyed. Oh, and did you do it? And there were three takes and

they said so we'll blow the eucalyptus in your eyes and I went what they said we'll blow some eucalyptus and I said oh that's adorable I'm an actor I'm such a dick

I go I'm an actor so roll you didn't get it in the first take and let's just put it this way I go, I'm an actor, so roll. No. Yeah. You didn't get it in the first take. And let's just put it this way. People came up and said, that was, I mean, three times in a row. And I went.

Fuck you. I went. Yeah. Shut up. I went, I went. Yeah. No, you didn't. And then I did a take today. I'm really obnoxious.

I did a take today. And they go, very quiet, please. We had to do that take again. And I went, yeah, guys, please hold the work. Obviously, for me, it wouldn't matter if you were building a house right next to me. I have an endless reservoir of this stuff, and I can churn it out constantly at a level 10. But for the other actors, they're just not as experienced. That's the kind of shit I pull on my set.

They don't fire you. I would fire you so fast. The backbone. You're in the back. You're in the background of shit I pull on my set. They don't fire you? I would fire you so fast. The backbone. You're in the back. You're in the background of the poster, of the ads. You're in the back. I'm a broad actor. I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm a lazy actor. Do you think you'll ever star in your own show? I don't know. I don't want the responsibility. Right now, it's me and Tim Meadows, but Tim Meadows is number one. Are you like seven or eight? But it's such an ensemble cast that I'm not.

What are you on the call sheet? Be real. Two. Really? But I'm older. Tim Meadows and then you? As well it should be. Really?

Tim's been working for 34. No, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm saying Tim should be one and you should be just. I mean, I feel like a couple of notches down. No, don't say that, dude.

Six, seven, maybe eight. No, because it was. Maybe eight AB or something like that where it's a transition thing. No, but it was a spin off of my character. I mean, I feel like a couple of notches down. No, don't say that, dude. Six, seven, maybe eight. No, because it was. Maybe eight AB or something like that where it's a transition thing. No, but it was a spin-off of my character. I know, but you know. What's the girl's name? What's the lead girl? AJ Machalka.

AJ Machalka. 28. Machalka. 29. Talented. Sings. She'll have such a long career. She's never, she's been working from.

She'll have such a long career. The girl's been working since. Yeah. She was eight. AJ and Allie. And then. Yeah, you know AJ and Allie. Of course, man. she's never she's been working she'll have such a long career the girl's been working since yeah she was AJ and Ally and then yeah you know AJ and Ally of course man

both easy on the eyes and think about gross they were children no no now they're grown women I know but when they were on the show they were fucking kids Brian

look Brian I wasn't talking about that yes you were you said AJ and Ally easy on the eyes you were referring to the show to the Disney show I sure was that's repulsive

that is repulsive was that the name of the show AJ and Ally I'm woefully ignorant AJ and Ally I easy on the eyes. You're referring to the show, to the Disney show? I sure was. That's repulsive. Was that the name of the show? AJ and Ali. I'm woefully ignorant. Ali and AJ. I don't watch those kinds of shows. And there were like nine on that show. Good God. And you liked how they looked.

I did a movie with her, a small independent movie, and she played my assistant. And she was so good. And I remember going, who are you? How are you this good? And, of course, these are people who've been working these are people these are real actors they've been working forever so you don't know you you don't forever it's amazing how i can hold a tune that's a that's not good forever and that's forever so get out of my fucking house.

Andrew, please let me stay. No, dude. When I out sing you, first of all, you were throwing eyes at my old lady and I didn't fucking like it. I fed you in my home. You came into my house and you said, I'm hungry. So, I gave you a bowl. Gave me corn and that wonderful pozole. A chote chicken. What's it called?

A chote chicken. You have a good accent. You speak Spanish too. A chote chicken. And you looked at my old lady. I like that one. When motorcycle gang guys, they call them old bags. You looked at my old bag and you threw those cute eyes.

Do the thing to the camera. Do the eyes that you did. I don't want to do that to them. Son of a bitch. I'm not going to do that. And I said, if you do that again, I'm going to crack you upside the fucking head. Listen, dude. Sometimes I pull out the artillery.

Because I'm walking around with a six shooter, as you know, fucking head. Listen, dude, sometimes I pull out the artillery because I'm walking around with a six-shooter, as you know, as always, but when I pull out the artillery... I want to know how you feel as a real person, Bri.

Put the comedy down. I really want to know how you feel, okay? Let's talk about some pertinent issues. Okay. Some real shit. Hit me.

Odell Beckham Jr. wears a quarter of a million dollar watch when he plays football. What do you really feel about that? When he plays, he wears that? He wore it.

Yeah. He wore a $250,000 watch. Maybe $300,000. A Richard Mille. Do you know what that is? I do. He wore it on the field while he played football.

How do you feel about that? Give me the real answer, not the comedy answer. It bothers me, and I can't articulate why. Yeah. So there are certain things that are so silly flashy. But also impressive. It's the – but again, if you're that good... See, nowadays, he's smart enough to know that we're talking about it.

Yeah. So in a lot of ways, it's a genius move. It worked. So as I think about it, he knows as a football player, he's got a small window, as gifted as he is. Sure, I guess. They all do. And whatever that cost him will pay him... You know, he just made 100 times that in a lot of ways over the course of his life because that's a classic badass move.

Because he's so untouchable, he can wear a quarter million dollar watch. On his wrist while he plays football. That's astonishing. Is this a marketing scam from Richard Mille, you think? Of course it is. Yeah. And that's the world we live in. And that I appreciate because I'm a capitalist.

Yep. I like the marketplace. You're a staunch capitalist. Well, I don't know how I'm a staunch. I love Richard Taibbi's wonderful, he said, with my family, I'm a communist. With my friends, I'm a socialist. With my town, I'm a Democrat.

And with the outer world, I'm a Republican. I my and the outer world i'm a republican i mean you know in other words i i like a marketplace but i'm i i want to be generous on my own terms i get that to a degree yeah do you think we should do you think you did you see elizabeth warren had the redistribution of wealth chart that they they threw up uh and it said like all those billionaires bill gates all guys, they would lose half of their worth. Do you think we should be taking away billionaires' billions? Well, so here's my question.

There are a couple things about that. They became billionaires because they came up with a product all of us use and need and want. They became billionaires because they made something much easier for all of us. Everyone uses Amazon.

Did it kill a lot of jobs? Yes. So did every new technological innovation in history. And so now the question becomes, okay, it is true that there's an imbalance of income. It's also true that there has been a bigger balance of consumption. So most of the people you know, even if they're in a lower economic bracket, own a laptop, own an iPhone or at least something similar

that gives them access to the people they want to talk to, information. So you're saying the poor people have what they deserve. Own a working car a lot of times that's not going to break down the way they did in the 70s. There is a housing shortage. There are issues. It's never been any different. But equality of consumption, you could make the arguments,

it's never been bigger. But let's go back to the billionaires. So Elizabeth Warren has decided, and Bill bill de blasio and kamala harris have all decided in their infinite wisdom none of them have ever had to make a payroll none of them have ever had to turn a profit none of them have any idea what it's like to compete in the marketplace like you and i do nobody's there to bail me out nobody's there you and I either get people to laugh at us, get butts in the seat, or we don't make our mortgage.

No, we're fine. I've been living that for 25 years. And I've also lived in a business where there's no second place. So let's get that out of the way right now. So what we're really saying is, I guess Elizabeth Warren knows what to do with his money.

The guy who figured out a way to game the system and make money to create a product all of us want. But I guess she's going to take the money for herself. The U.S. government somehow can take 70 or 80 percent of that income and I guess redistribute it to engineer equality. And fix all the problems they see. There you go. and I guess redistribute it to engineer equality. And fix all the problems they see. There you go.

So I would like to ask you if you could tell me of one socialist country, and if you say Scandinavia, you don't know Scandinavia. I don't know Scandinavia. If you say Sweden and Norway, what you better know about Sweden is they are not, they have very high tax rates to the poor and the middle class, which is the dirty secret, but for the most part, they are a market economy. Yes, they have public health care they also have a shitload of private clinics i think the biggest hospital in stockholm is privately owned so sweden has what went through their socialist 90 tax rates whatever in the 70s

destroyed the economy and came roaring back with lower tax rates in some ways that Americans do. So please don't use Scandinavia. But I would like to ask you right now if you could show me a socialist country that is on par with a capitalist country in terms of its wealth creation and standard of living. Don't tell me that all these socialist countries don't do it right. You've got to compare like with like. They're both messy systems. And you can't find it for me.

Well, yeah. I mean, other than... Because what happens... In Eastern Europe, there's a country called Gogurt. Do you know Gogurt? No. And Gogurt has the exact same amount of people as us. 350 million people.

You know Gogurt for kids' yogurt? They're the makers of Gogurt. And they are a socialistgurt and they are doing they are socialist country and they're doing better than us right now fantastic the country of gogurt's doing very well there you go they're killing it so you asked for it and i gave it to you so only gogurt is the only exception gogurt's doing phenomenal but the other thing is that when you create so if you so if you have elizabeth warren she says we want 70 of your money yeah what's going to happen is you're giving power to people like Elizabeth Warren,

who are, I'm sure, well-intentioned. So now what you've done is the government has a lot of power to confiscate 70% of your wealth. Why would I ever spend 70% of my day working for somebody else? Because I'm a good person? Because I trust the U.S. government to distribute it properly. That's the biggest issue. And what happens is you create an economy of influence. When you make government that powerful,

you create incentives for people to get close to decision makers like Elizabeth Warren, and you get what's called an economy of influence, not an economy of merit, not an economy where you can turn a profit. So there are problems with our current capitalist system. I understand Bernie Sanders when he talks about the fact that there's a lot of money, a lot of imbalance. Part of that is the way technology has evolved. And it is a problem. And I am worried about it.

And I do think that we do have a lot of people that are being left behind. But the way to deal with that, let's be creative about it. Let's all be creative about it and figure out a way for the economy to, for people to adapt, come up with new ways to make money. I mean, look, we have already. People make money, and now I'm going to quote Yuval. No, I can't remember the guy who did Rogan's podcast, but forgive me, everybody.

Yuval? I can't remember his name. He was an Indian guy, very smart guy, and one of the early investors in Twitter and stuff. But I'm going to quote him for a second. He said, when technology changes exponentially the way it does, people, their new jobs are created. People make money designing video games,

watching video games, playing video games. Watching people play video games. Podcasting. Yep. Which we never thought was possible. Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera. So new markets emerge.

New markets emerge. So new jobs come about. Yes. So let new markets emerge. And you already taxed me. You and I pay. I pay at least half my money goes away. I don't pay taxes.

Okay, well. I've never paid taxes. Don't say that out loud. Never pay taxes. Come after me. Come after me. Come on and get me. I'll fight you tooth and nail.

You'll never be able to get me. I've never paid taxes and I won't pay taxes. I know what you mean. I know what you're saying. So it's not about a left or a right thing. I'm never be able to get me. I've never paid taxes and I won't pay taxes. I know what you mean. I know what you're saying. So it's not about a left or a right thing. I'm not trying to be right wing. I'm not trying to be left wing. I'm trying to solve problems. And my question always to people is not if you're left wing

and social socialist. How much of the government, how much money do you want to give a centralized power that has the ability to pass laws and confiscate your money and redistribute it. Those are coercive acts. So if you're going to give anyone power like that, any government entity, please, please realize that it can be abused so quickly. And I don't know any left-wing or right-wing people who want that. i think that a lot of left-wing people

i'm using that word and i'm sorry for anybody who those people but let's say elizabeth warren and alexandro acacia and bill de blasio i i think these are these are generally compassionate good people who want a better world and are trying to figure out a way to deal with these inequalities. God bless them. I just think that they could be more creative in their thinking and so could I. And we all need to be more creative with it. The marketplace, though, you better be careful with how you trifle with the marketplace. Because it's going to fuck you.

I get very nervous when the government comes in and says, I'm going gonna take 70 or 80 percent of your well here i'll put it like this uh in chicago they said tolls on the highways were gonna last i don't know like a decade and 40 years later they still got tolls 30 years yeah so and are the roads better no it just there's a new way to spend new money so the the idea of helping out those that have less than you makes sense i understand that as somebody who is has empathy for other humans i i get the fact that it's like i do want to help people that have less than me the problem is do you trust the big machine

to do it that's crazy let me ask you a question did the jews and the ethnic okay i'm gonna this is where i'm gonna cut it off the jews that's it that's it for's it. That's it for me, you guys. That's it for me. That's our time. Did the Jews and the ethnic Chinese suffer discrimination? Yes. Yes. You pick up a history book, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about in this country, never mind Europe or in Malaysia. Sure.

Did the Igbo of Nigeria suffer a great deal of discrimination from the Yoruba and Osa? Thank you. I just want to the Yoruba and Osa. Thank you. I just want to say Yoruba and Osa. You'd be the worst hitter, Dietrich. You'd get fired day one. But yes, the answer is yes. Yes. How come those three groups I've mentioned have excelled to the degree that they have,

to the degree in many cases where, especially, let's just take, Jews were not considered white. They were not considered white by the status quo. This is all Brian, by the way. They were killed en masse because they were considered not, they were not white according to many Christian countries or expelled, right? So there's a long history of that. The ethnic Chinese suffered their own pogroms.

The Armenians suffered a genocide at the hands of the Turks. Why have they done so well? What's going on? Explain that to me. Why does the average Iranian that I meet here, despite a lot of the prejudice they've dealt with, why do they have five degrees? Please explain if you could. I'm just curious.

Why are they not in a position where they need help? Why do West Indians, people who come from the West Indies, from Jamaica, why do they a lot of times come and really, their children have a very similar immigration experience as do many other, like the Armenians. Why? I don't know. You tell me. I have no fucking

idea. Could it be culture? Could it be certain behaviors? Culture probably has a lot to do with it. Yeah. Why is it that hillbilly culture, if you ever read hillbilly elegy, why is it that there are very poor stretches of white America and many of them in the Appal handed down are not as effective in the 21st century in amassing wealth and building security as some other cultures are. Sure. Frugality, education, those things that are put at a premium, hard work, self-responsibility. You know, Syrians, when they come to countries, usually do very well because they have this

crazy entrepreneurial spirit. So it's embedded in their DNA. It's embedded in their culture and their practices. In their DNA. It's in their blood. But if you ever had anybody talk that way, God forbid you said that anybody who wasn't doing as well. Yeah.

you said that anybody who wasn't doing as well hillbilly culture or certain parts of the ghetto God forbid you said that maybe the reason they're not doing well has to do with them you gotta have

everybody's gotta be a victim because it'd be very politically incorrect to suggest otherwise which is why Thomas Sowell, black scholar out of Harvard got to be a victim because it'd be very politically incorrect to suggest otherwise which is why thomas sowell black scholar out of harvard a towering intellect is a persona non grata on a lot of college campuses and stuff yeah so there's there's a real lack of creativity and in thought with the hard left and with the hard right don't you think there's a million factors that go into things like that really done what don't you think there's a million factors that go into things like that? The hard right's fucking really done. What?

Don't you think there's a million factors that go into those things, though? It's so hard to account for where... There are always a million factors. Too many factors to even count. I don't even know. You can't really explain. Why were you born lucky enough to become a successful comedian? That's a very good question. Okay.

And I never forget about that. Well, there is no answer. I didn't pick my parents. Didn't pick my genetics. Didn't pick my jawline. That's my point. Didn't pick my beautiful eyes. I didn't pick my...

You had an extremely small window of chance of being born in the united states the time that you did in the place that you did to give you the opportunity that you did some things are pure chance some things i agree are pure chance i'm not taking credit for my success and some things are luck i'm not taking credit for my success i just said that to my father i go i don't take credit for my success and he said oh you worked hard you didn't i worked hard whatever you didn't i i there are a lot of things that could have gone wrong so many people have worked so much harder than you that that that deserve it more than you do i agree with you and and i mean you specifically no i'm a hard worker and i know that what i've earned which is which is not a lot

but it is it's it's a wonderful amount and i'm appreciative of every single step someone like you on the other hand who's been given given given given opportunity opportunity after failure after failure after failure and steve's bouncing back is what's so odd to me you've never really earned almost anything you texted me one time and you said my shells are sold out before the plane hits the ground. And I couldn't believe people bought tickets to come see you because I thought, wait to see how disappointed they're going to be when they see you. No, no, dude.

Oh, yeah. I'm considered, I'm quote, I'm quote the best comedian of my generation. Really? You think you're the best? That's what Comedy Magazine said. I didn't say that. What generation are you?

Comedy Magazine was, argue with them. They're the, and International Comics Association. So of all the baby boomers, you're probably the top? You're the top guy of all the baby boomers? Post-World War II comedians, you're probably the strongest one that I know. Well. Without a doubt. So the international experts on comedy council, that council.

I-E-O-C? I-E-O-C. The IOC unequivocally came out and said Brian Callen Is the LeBron James of comedy They said that about you That's what they said The International Comics Association Of professionals

Of comedy Said this guy If Mozart had been a Comedian There he is That's what they said. I read one review of your last tour, and it said, go to bed, old man. And I thought that was the most honest, real, go to bed, old man.

And it says so much and so little. Go to bed, old man. Five words. I'm going to take my money, and I'm going to buy this nice house that you just bought. Guess what? Because you'll buy it at a premium because I won't sell it to you for any less than triple what I paid for. No, I'm going to. That's right.

You're going to buy my house for way more. What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy the houses next to you and I'm going to move up a couple, a bunch of crackheads in there. And yeah, I am. Yeah. In fact, I'm going to set up meth labs. Okay. So that this house, this house's value plummets. And then I'm going to set up meth labs so that this house's value plummets. And then I'm going to fire sale you. I'm going to fire sale you.

Are you? Yeah. Put you in debt. Okay. Buy it. Where are you going to come up with this money? You'll give me the money. You'll give me what I offer.

Okay. And then I'm going to demolish it, and I'm going to pour salt on the ground. You see what I'm doing right now? What, man? You're upset, huh? Nah, you're good, dude. In here, we pour whiskey. My loyal Whiskey Ginger fans, do you think that no one is spying on you,

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Protect yourself. Ginger. I like gingers. You check me like that at my fucking house, and I'm going to... You're inches away from really being hurt. I mean it. What?

And the fans know. And the fans know. You can play this little cute game with Brandon. Hold on, hold on. You and Brandon can do this game back at your studio. It doesn't even matter what the fuck it is, dude. You can play that fucking game with that Ferrari-driving weirdo. You can't play that fucking game with me. I'm a real-life guy. Look at me in You can play that fucking game with that Ferrari-driving weirdo. You can't play that fucking game with me.

I'm a real-life guy. Look at me in the face. Yeah, he is a Ferrari-driving weirdo. You can look me in the fucking face. I'm a real-life guy, dude. I'm a real-life fucking dude. I don't know what that means. You know what it fucking means.

Are you a golfer, bro? Do you want me to? Yeah. I'm going golfing with my dad. I would never play with you. I play with high-end. Okay, hold on. You a good golfer?

I'm a good golfer. I bet you are. I got clubs in the room. What did I compliment you on? Athletic ability. I didn't. Looks. Intelligence. And comics. I said you got some legs on you. I got some nice legs.

You have long legs. Strong legs. Strong legs. You hit a ball a country mile? You do, don't you? Yeah. You can hit a ball a country mile. I can clear 300 easy is that true on the fly yeah i believe you i swear to god the farthest i hit the last time i golfed was 284 that's with a laser 284 yeah so i was eight i was eight miles up i was in i was in uh park city which elevation so so you probably did 262 probably 250 at the most you know what i you know what i hit

about 272 my three would at sea level okay you fucking bitch dude i will fucking dude my fucking two iron is further than your driver baby i break out playing have you been playing? I've been playing since the game was invented. How's your short game? Oh, it's really good because everything else on me is so long and tall. I'm surprised I'm so good at that. It'd be weird if you were a vampire and you just flew in and killed me right now. I just fucked you up.

I would love to play golf with you. I didn't know you were a golfer. Wherever I want for the most part. It's so funny. My buddy who who plays he's a real golfer and he said what did you shoot I said like a 92 no I said something like a 90 and he goes cool that's good

I'm going to ask this question again and you're going to be honest with me fuck I go like 105 really? well I mean you know with the short game my dad who's 79 who I'm so impressed with, from the age of 78 to 79, he's improved. He's gotten better at almost 80?

Dude, that's how hard he works at golf. Your dad is 80? Yeah, he'll be 80 in that. And we're going to Israel. What did he have you when he was 12? Dude, he had me when he was 24, man. God damn it. Fucking bitch.

You're going to Israel? I think for his 80th birthday. I've never been. Your father's not Jewish, is he? No, I'm not Jewish. My dad's Irish. Yeah, why Israel? Because the motherland is important.

I think he just wants to go and see it. I think he's been there, but I'd like to go see it. The family, Tel Aviv. It's where Christ walked the earth, all that stuff.'t know that's what i'm saying yeah well some say i have holy ghost power so i want to see what happens when i get there you're not religious though no but on your dying respect religion on your dying days you think you'll ask for god's forgiveness and freedom yeah i respect religion more and more as I get older. Yeah. Because I think that hope, love, hope and love,

yeah, hope and love and wonder. Shut up. These are religious ideas. And charity and giving to the less fortunate and being generous. I don't think those are qualities that were addressed sufficiently by our great philosophers,

our great devotees to reason and rationality. You think you should be giving more to the fellow man, but then you just rejected the idea of redistribution of wealth. I want to do it on my terms, and I don't think... Yeah, but you're never going to do it if it's on your terms. So that great saying, the poor don't need bread.

They need inspiration. I teach a man how to fish, right? Teach a man to fish, right? Yeah. I like those. I like those.

I think there's a lot of truth to those kinds of things. You do? Yeah. And I, I think, um, I do give to charity, by the way,

I probably give more than anybody, you know? Okay. So, so I'm being serious. I really want, I'm being genuine. I want want, I'm being genuine. I want all the fans to please DM Brian and write on his page.

In fact, write on his last post. Write on Brian's last post and write why you think you deserve because I think in this episode we're going to make it a thing. I'll do this with you. We together are going to give away $1,000 of Brian's money to anybody who posts a reasonable story on his last Instagram that says, here's why I need the $1,000. I think it's a good thing to do.

The problem is I don't believe those people. No, you do. I tell you this. If it's a good story. I do cameo, which you should do. No, you do cameo. And I give the money to charity. All that money goes to charity.

Okay, that's the one. I would do that. I would do that. I would do that. Do you do public charity, things like that, often without people knowing? All the time. Give me another example of what people don't know that you do. Because people know often a lot about you because you expose a lot.

Yeah. But they don't know. I don't like talking about it. I can't believe I'm even talking about charity. Let's talk about charity. Because I do it very strategically and I do it, you know. If it's write-offable. No.

Yeah. You won't really lose money unless it's. I do it because I do it to people who I do it for things and people that are worth it I really mean that white people what does that mean you've told me before how racist you are one time Byron said

whatever one time he said to me he goes I would never help someone who is darker than my skin tone and I was like that is so fucked up because as white as you are he goes, I would never help someone who is darker than my skin tone. And I was like, that is so fucked up because as white as you are that is insane that you would do that. There are lies, damn lies

and statistics. That's worse than a statistic. Do you know who said that? No. Damn lies and statistics. People like cite statistics. It's always like tricky. Who is that? I believe that was Benjamin Disraeli. You're just making shit up.

Did you make that up? Benjamin Israeli? Disraeli. Disraeli? Disraeli. He was prime minister of the UK. You have this ability to... You're not smart enough to fool me, but you're good enough to trick me. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Your intellect is not heavier than mine where you could actually fool me. Like, I would never look like a fool with you. Just because... My intellect would toy with you. Just on basis alone. My intellect would toy with your intellect like a baton.

You know that, right? No, it's not a big deal, but I'm the marching girl at the front of the parade. You are the marching girl. That's my intellect, and your intellect is her baton, right? You know that, right? Let me tell you something. Ain't that the case?

If your next album isn't called The Marching Girl, you should be. You know what? You are the marching girl, and I'm the man playing the drums. Bop, bop, keeping the beat. No, you can't just say and I'm the man playing the drums keeping the beat you can't just say that you can't just and here you are dancing around

in a little skirt and I'm twirling a baton and I'm Byron that's a derogatory way to refer to a woman oh sorry about that I'm Byron and I'm twirling a baton

and that's you no cause she's in a skirt the baton girl is always in a fucking skirt does she ever wear jeans no no

and I'm the drum guy if you could play an instrument what would it be? I played drums when I was a kid my mother took the drums away from me and now I can't because I was not a good kid

and now I can't go back and play drums because Bill Burr does and I think it's enough parallel with me and him anyway I'm angry and I'm a redhead

people already annoyingly are like oh yeah fucking Bill Burr I'm nothing like Bill Burr we're nothing alike except for the fact that we're both extremely funny,

good-looking, red-haired men. You're the bus and truck version of him, right? I'm the what? You're the bus and truck version. Like, he's varsity, and you're JV. You're out of your fucking head.

Take it easy. We're two different sports, first of all. No, but I just say you're JV. We're both athletes. And he's varsity. Ain't that the way it is? You fucking piece of shit, dude. Let me tell you something. Ain't you high school, and he's in the pros?

You're good high school. This is bait, by the way. This is bait for me to talk shit, because clearly I love Bill Burr. We're two different comics. We're two different comedians. I love Bill Burr. We're two different comics. Yeah.

We're two different comedians. Uh-huh. Just like, okay, I am to Bill Burr as far as parallel talent goes. Like, he is an unbelievably successful, literally one of the people that I look up to. Yeah. But I am to Bill Burr, my relationship with him, success-wise, of how much more successful he is than to me is i am to bill burr as you are to gallagher do you understand what i'm saying like it's that that is that is almost a perfect parallel on my saliva when you said that you you take that back

i'm to bill burr you are to gallagher and that's and that's a fact take that and that's a literal fact take that back right now we are paralleleded men, Bill and I, different worlds. I love him so much. I'm my own comic. It's like what you are to Gallagher. Take it back. You're both trash. Andrew.

You're both trash. You've been thrown out of comedy game years and years and years ago. No, take it back. You know I could fucking have you banned. Oh, you'd be banned from where? From where? From the comedy? From the phone calls. From the comedy. Can I tell you something? What baton?

I'm gonna... You fucking bitch. I'm gonna call the comedy store and I'm gonna talk to my good buddy over there, Adam, and make him not give you spots. And it'll be easy for him to do. He'll go, why would I give Brian spots anyway?

He doesn't deserve spots. He doesn't draw. Nobody buys tickets to come see him anyway. I saw the numbers last time that you were on the main room and they asked people, who are you buying tickets for? And it was literally almost all of them were for Leah and the rest were for Shab and you had two two people said they came to see you no

i swear dude it said two dudes were like we're here to see byron and you know what shab all of them to leah all the tickets and people were like i can't wait to see job i can't wait to see chris their favorite comedians and then you're kind of like you know like you're like sprinkles people like oh yeah you know like okay yeah i'll Sprinkles. People are like, oh, yeah. You know, like, okay, yeah, I'll take the ice cream or Sprinkles. Without it, it doesn't matter. You should start smoking. I really love you, Bri.

And you know why I love you? People say we're very similar. Yeah. In the fact that, like, we're both fun-loving goofball guys. Life is too short to be serious. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Hey, it doesn't matter.

I agree. And you're one of my biggest – I hate to say this, and this is going to sound embarrassing, but honestly you are one of my most loyal and biggest fans that I think I've ever had, and I've always appreciated your fanship and your support because you're one of the guys that has always said to me how much you look up to me, how much you respect me.

No, I don't say that, Andrew. This is not true. No, listen, it's a cool thing that you do that I really do like. It's a cool thing you do that I like. I saw your ass today, though. You exposed yourself to it. I exposed myself to you in my own home. That's totally legal to do. I don't feel comfortable with that, dude.

Do you think I can get in trouble for something like that? If Bobby Lee can show his penis on the patio of the comedy store, I can show my own butt in my own home. Hey, how's he doing? We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it after the show. I love him.

He is... God, is he funny. He is unbelievably funny. Who's the funniest person right now that nobody knows? That's a good question. You see how that threw you? You don't get good questions

with the shot. People know him, but they don't know how much of a genius he is. It's Will Sasso. Yeah, I think a lot of people do know. Will Sasso's a fucking genius. He's a beast.

He's a genius. Yeah. That motherfucker can do anything better than everybody. His acting, he's coming out in a movie with Frank Grillo, Naomi Watts, Mel Gibson. Wait till you see him. This motherfucker can do it all. Mel Gibson is back. He's back.

He's very back. Do you think Mel Gibson came back because times have changed so much that now what he did wasn't that bad in comparison? Mel Gibson took a seat for 10 years. But do you know what I mean by that? I said to him, you're going to take a seat for 10 years. But do you know what I mean by that? Yeah. I think Mel Gibson is back because he's so undeniably good at what he does.

What did he say to that police officer? There was some... He said sugar tits, right? No, there was some drunk anti-Semitic rantings. Right. He said something about her being Jewish and then something about sugar tits. Yeah. And Hollywood said, hey hey cool it out but now

people are doing such fucked up shit they're like you're good well come on back they let him right back in he's he's as you think he's one of the best actors of our generation he's one of the best filmmakers of our generation i'll tell you that much why what films straight up movie star but what films what films has he done that are your favorite? I mean, what are we talking about? Brave Heart? Never seen it. You have never seen Brave Heart? Go down the list.

Do you see Apocalypto? Never even heard of it. Go on. I'm not going to do this with you, son of a bitch. Keep giving me all of them. No, I won't. Give me all of them. And Heartbreak.

Heartbreak Hotel? No, no. What was the movie he got nominated for an Oscar for? Passion of the Christ? He did that, but there was one he was nominated for an Oscar for. Fuck was it? Die Hard. No.

It was two years ago. The war movie. What about with the puppet that talks? I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember. But, I mean, he's prodigious. You're a big Mel fan.

Well, he's as good as it gets. Look at me. His movies it gets. Look at me. His movies are phenomenal. Look at me. Have you had dinner with him? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I have.

I know you have. I can smell it on you. Look, I run with a pretty influential group, which is one of the reasons I don't see you a lot. How come you haven't popped a little bit more, then, if you feel like you have so many of these famous friends? Why do you think you haven't ascended a little bit higher? Because I don't want to. You don't want to get any bigger?

You want to be ninth lead? Everybody goes check out Byron's new special, your stand-up special, Complicated Apes, because it's maybe the only thing that's worth watching of you. God damn it. It's definitely not your performances on television. Those are fucking dog shit. Take that back right now. I mean every single second of it. No, man.

But your special is actually worth watching because you're funny. I didn't come on this podcast to be fucking abused. You came here because I told you to get on this podcast. No. And you said, I'll do whatever you want, Papa. Come see me in Tampa at the Tampa Improv, by the way, September 27th and 28th. I want everyone that goes. I want the antid goes to fucking delete

I mean to Santino, same thing what did you just say? what did you just say? I want everyone to go to the Tampa shows to see Byron Brian, Brian, to go see Mr. Callen and be respectful and be nice

but at the end of the show when he closes his set with whatever hack fart dog shit joke that he's closing with these days, I'm sure it's something it's, I'm sure it's a sound. No, it's good. Whatever it is.

I want no one to clap. And I mean that wholeheartedly. I want everyone to sit in silence and go like this power. Yes. Listen, you know what bothers me? Watch how many people are going to do it. Yeah.

You know what? Why I'm dying a little bit. You got a much longer femur bone my spread is big you got little boy hips don't you you got yeah you have a you sit look at your legs you sit like a little kid on a little bench little tiny boy like short i got thick legs but they're short and shitty it bothers me all right let's real. Two things you can change about yourself, go. Physically? Anything, dude. I mean, I could tell you what I should change about you physically.

I'd like to have longer legs and bigger arms. What do you mean bigger? Stronger? Yeah, I'd like to be 215. But don't you think at this point your muscle has deteriorated? You're not going to build more muscle at this age. I'm going to go on fucking testosterone. You're going to take it?

I might go on human. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm being dead serious. There's a chance I go on DHE, Metforum, human growth, testosterone. Ready? Maybe some Anivar. I don't give a fuck. That's five things, you piece of shit.

Do it. Yeah. And then don't be surprised. Don't be fucking surprised if Alry doesn't get his lids his lids tucked snipped i'll get my eyelids snipped and if i want i'll get my face tightened wow do you think you need it i'm doing it before i need it you motherfucker i was gonna say your face looks really good for a 52-year-old. Not even age, just for you. For you. For a guy who inherently

doesn't have any sexy features. I put my face in ice in the morning because I get swollen. And I can't believe I just drank some whiskey because tomorrow I've got to shoot at 6 a.m. I've got to get the fuck out of here. No, you're not going anywhere. We're going to be here for another 3-4 hours. This is Joe Rogan shit.

Please, man. No. You're not. Have you studied your lines? I got to wake up early. I got to go to bed. Do you have you? Have you studied your lines?

Yeah. You did? I have a photographic memory. Well, because you have like three lines, right? They cut to you and you're like, hey, no running. I'm number two on the call sheet. Please take that back. And I'm very heavy.

They go, hey, no running. And then another scene. I'm going to be amazing tomorrow. You think so? I boxed today. I got dropped. Give me a line. Give They go, hey, no running. And then another scene. I'm going to be amazing tomorrow. You think so? I boxed today. I got dropped. Give me a lot. Give me one of your lines for tomorrow.

You'll have to watch. Didn't study his lines. Didn't study his lines. Bullshit. Bullshit. Fuck. Give me. Fuck.

I know you did it. Fuck. You didn't, did you? No. I got to go back and study him. You do. bullshit fuck give me fuck I know you did it fuck you didn't did you no I gotta go back and study you do tonight

yeah I got work to do but I came all the way here to do your podcast yeah you did yeah I love you are you proud of yourself over what you did

no tonight you divulged a lot of shit about Elizabeth Warren and the stance of politics you gave us some history lessons yeah I think a lot of shit about Elizabeth Warren and the stance of politics. You gave us some history lessons. Yeah.

I think a lot of that stuff was really solid. Thank you. Good podcast. It was good. It could have been stronger. I mean, you could have delivered a little bit more, but that hasn't... What the fuck, man?

It doesn't matter. What does that mean? Well, it just means like your presence could have been more dominant. You got very thin fingers, huh? I got regular hands. Let me see your fucking hand. Put your hands up.

I got hands of bear. My hands are built of bear now. I can throw a pot. I'll throw a pot. Do you know how many people send me clips of you stuttering on your show? It's the funniest thing

on the planet. Who does that? All my fans. You motherfuckers. Because you do this because you go... It fucking kills me. I do me I do

how do you get so tongue tied with Brendan why do you get tongue tied with him is he an intimidating force to you he hurts you he hits me afterwards really

the other day he did grab me we were about to go on stage and he was just I've never seen him do this very rarely and he grabbed me in a single leg and he goes

what do you do Brian and I put him in a whizzer and I go I'm gonna push your head back and it doesn't work with him no he's big it doesn't work with him. No, he's big. It doesn't work with him. It doesn't.

Give me one thing, one bit of truth. Are you upset that Shab and Theo's podcast is exponentially more successful than yours and his? And that's just an honest question. That's a goddamn lie. It's a fact. That's a goddamn lie. The numbers are in. Andrew, that's a lie.

The numbers are in. Andrew, I'm going to ask you to take that back right now. The numbers are in. I'm going to ask you to take that back. So their show is so much stronger than your show with him. It's so much more palatable. So what do you think? How do you really feel about it?

I'm quitting the business. You are? Yeah, I'm going to get back into the business of giving. So like we said, everyone comment on Brian's page where the $1,000 should go. I'm being serious. You have to donate $1,000 for this thing. This is like an important thing for me. I want you to donate $1,000 to someone who has the best story.

Give me a good charity. Give a good charity. He'll donate $1,000 to it. We're being serious. It's got to be something worthwhile. It can't be something goofy like, I need more weed. It's got to be $1,000, and he will donate i need more weed um it's got to be a thousand dollars and he will donate it you've got his word you've got my word i'll make sure that he does it and because that's my thing i want to make sure that other people are doing what they promise podcast cost me a thousand

dollars maybe more motherfucker you should see what they did to your car outside why yeah man oh no it's on cinder blocks bitch oh god you just cost me this podcast cost me a thousand dollars a thousand dollars yeah plus plus whatever the tesla damages are they they just beat my tesla up they just steal the tires and they take off the center console they take out that big ipad out of there nice yeah it cost you a thousand dollars to come do my podcast that you're welcome for the Blantons. That's fair. Tell people where you're going to be soon.

Tampa. Tampa Bay. Improv. September 27, 28. Tampa Bay? I mean, Tampa. Tampa Improv, yeah. Wait.

The Tampa Improv in Ybor City. Ybor City. Good room. Never going to go back. Why? I told the story one time. I got hurt there. This.

Look at that. You see that scar? Yeah, what happened? Yeah, that's Ybor City. What happened? I've actually had someone reach out to me. They were like, I'm so sorry. I heard on the podcast you wouldn't come back.

It's not that I wouldn't come back. I'm making a joke. But the last time I was there, this happened. A fight broke out. People were getting pushed out of the one exit door that people can go out of. And I got pushed into an umbrella stand. Cut my leg.

If there are any fights, I will be so far away from that shit. It's like when you come out of a bar and it's two in the morning or one in the morning and everybody's on the street milling about. Girls and guys, I get the fuck. I can't get away from that. That is nothing good happens.

Yeah, but wait. This is after the show. Well, after the show, I find a way to... This is because a guy was yelling at the security guard. He called him a term that you shouldn't use about his race. Was not a good move. He was getting choked. People started getting pushed.

I got pushed into. A woman was falling. I kind of grabbed her to help i moved out of the way as i'm shifting towards the door there's an umbrella stand boom up my leg i'm bleeding through my leg oh yeah and ybor city by the way it's kind of an isolated place for people that don't know the hospital is not right there it's where you can get tetanus that's where you get to i got tetanus in ybor But, fun town. You can still smoke inside there. I might come back.

It's just this accident. It fucked me up. What can I say? It fucked me up. It soured you. It soured me a little bit. And the Tampa Bay Lightning are there, and I'm a Blackhawks fan. And it was also during the run of fucking Tampa Bay.

And I was like, Jesus Christ, a Florida fucking hockey team. It's hard to hear Florida has a Stanley Cup prone hockey team. Right. That's a tough thing to swallow. That's something that you don't know about because you don't care about actual sports. No. But for the most part, it's just tough for me. I train and cut out the...

You don't train. You just work out. You work out. If you say train again, I'm going to fucking throw this bottle of Blantons at your forehead. Say train one more time. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Go see Mr. Callen. He's one of the funniest, sweetest, most wonderful people

that I've ever known in my entire life. I did time in front of him at his Montreal show. You did very well. And God damn, did we have a good time. People afterwards were like, what a fucking show. You guys could have done 10 hours apiece, and I would have stayed. And I said, we can't. We have other fucking gigs. People afterwards were like, what a fucking show. You guys could have done 10 hours apiece and I would have stayed. And I said, we can't. We have other fucking gigs.

Yep. But I'm happy. And by the way, for the first time in my life, I'm doing Just for Laughs Toronto, JFL. You're going to love it. Next week, come see me. JFL Toronto 42.

Tickets are fucking going fast because I'm me. You know what I mean? Yeah, because I'm hot. Toronto 42 tickets are fucking going fast because I'm me you know what I mean yeah because I'm I'm hot I'm a hot one baby I got the hot pepper sauce

Toronto come to Toronto to see me I have a bunch of shows go see I'm gonna hook you up with my boy Joel Gerson who's that

he's the mayor of that town Joel Gerson he's not the physical mayor is he he may as well be well who's the real mayor of Toronto my boy Joel Gerson

is the guy who I'm for real is he gonna He may as well be. Well, who's the real mayor of Toronto? My boy, Joel Gerson. Okay. For real. Is he going to pump me around town? He's the best. I got some people in Toronto. How? I just, you know, from years of being there in places. Years and years and years and years and years.

Celebrity and stuff, you know? Yeah. Celebrity? I'm going to hook you up in Toronto. And you're welcome. Please. And you're already welcome where do you think you're the biggest celebrity what city i don't know but when i go to canada i do get recognized a lot you do yeah not here though vancouver not here like in la people don't

say what's up do they all the time they do yeah i'm big deal what do they know you from like ah you know brian and that redheaded guy tell him to shut the fuck up do they know you from? They're like, ah, you know, Brian, that redheaded guy. Tell him to shut the fuck up. Do they say that shit? About you, yeah. Oh, that's cool because they know me more. Nope. They go, that guy's the shit, dude. Dude, if you changed your hair color, you would be a bigger player.

I get a lot of work because I'm a redhead. How about that? How about that? How about that? How about I'm killing it right now because I'm a redhead? They go, this guy's the shit. You have been working a lot. Too much.

Too much. Don't say that because it makes me angry. I been working so much it's don't say it seriously i get so many phone calls from high-end executives directors and they go and they go hey man out of this whole group of like whack garbage guys that come through on the podcast circuit and they're naming guys like you and like i mean yeah that's the only I remember you was the only one and they go you are the fucking top dog yeah well listen

this has been no you don't say goodbye I say goodbye I know you gotta go you did me a favor by coming here so late I appreciate it

I was at the iPhone store it was a whole ordeal and I do love you for coming so late I love you you're a sweet man you're a good human being thank you buddy

you should get home safe I will and I'm gonna walk up there and turn off the camera and I want you to say coming so late. And I love you. You're a sweet man. You're a good human being. Thank you, buddy. You should get home safe. I will. And I'm going to walk up there and turn off the camera and I want you to say one important thing into the microphone before we go, okay? All right. Learn what not to think about, all right? And do something nice for somebody.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. Oh, that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.