Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Chelsea Peretti

Episode Date: November 9, 2018

Santino sits with Chelsea Peretti (Brooklyn 99, Big Mouth) to chat about shitty comedy acting, being too high for too long and how annoying stand up is (also, Chelsea spilled her yogurt on the way home in her lap, check her insta) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilistic. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. You've seen her on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You've seen her on A Million Other Things. The show A Million Other Things. The Million Other Things on NBC. That's the competitive show to the new show A Million Little Pieces.

On the same network. Yeah. They have. They're really stupid for doing that. Chelsea Peretti is here. Chelsea, clap, clap, clap. Thank you for being here. Oh, you do a fake studio audience?

They're all here, but they're being quiet because they're nervous around. Right. It's good to have a leather chair. I know. It's for noise. Just don't move. There's no roof in a leather chair. Okay.

You're blowing up my spot right now? No, this is a great studio. We're getting this at a studio. We're in an office. Chelsea and I recently did a movie called Friendsgiving with some very funny people. Dionne Cole, Aisha Tyler, Jane Seymour, who's probably the funniest stand-up comic i've ever seen in my life

can you imagine jane seymour ripping uh she she has a great 20 minutes on her um jewelry line it's the funniest thing you design it and they don't know what to do um jane seymour who else was on that who else was in it with us there There was very funny people. Malin Ackerman. The star. Malin Ackerman and Kat Dennings and Malin's new husband. I don't know Jack's last name. That's actually, he changed his name to that. Malin's new husband, Jack? Yeah. Such a long name. Can I see your ID, sir? I'm Malin's new husband, Jack. And I don't know his last name. He was good. He used to be a Chippendale. Was he?

Yeah. He was playing with his nipples a lot to get them hard. And he said... He had his shirt off the whole movie. Yeah. That was the joke. So he would literally fluff his own nipples

and said that he used to be an exotic dancer. No, but he wasn't really though. I think he was. He had a great body. body he had such a night you know when guys get you know when guys who are really skinny have the um the fuck gutters yeah what are those called they're like still like the v that fuck gutters is more like if you're trash oh really yeah well i call them fuck he was He was shirtless the whole movie. And it was directed and written by Nicole Payonne, who is super funny, super cool. And everybody on it was really, was down.

Because I think it wasn't easy. We were all in a house, in one house. Like grouped together in a house the whole shoot. With rotting food always. Oh, stinky, rotty food. I still regret digging in with my fingers into some of that salad did you eat it yeah you ate some of that just like in the heat of the moment you know and you're like you know what fuck it it'll be funny and then you're like

wait i think everyone was touching this and putting it back yeah that's the problem that's the problem with comedy is that you're like i'm willing to do this thing to get the laugh but at the same time you go home sad because you're like, I'm willing to do this thing to get the laugh. But at the same time you go home sad because you're like, no, that was not, that was gross. Um,

without giving anything away in the movie, you play a, how do I, it's like a shaman. I already posted pictures of my character on Instagram. Oh yeah. It's like, it's like a guru self described shaman. I think.

Yeah. She's like, um, you know, very hippcribed shaman i think yeah she's like um you know very hippie-ish they're gonna be like why are you guys talking about the movie this isn't we did not ask you to go and like promote we're blowing up the film yeah you but at one scene just i have to talk about this i couldn't keep it together i usually am good about not breaking but you um were saying um a prayer they were going around and people who pray and you bless the peas and the carrots baby carrots and i lost my shit because you're like bless these little baby carrots these little tiny tiny baby carrots i couldn't hold it

together that one would be really fun oh it was so fun it was so fun well because what i mean let's be honest so many times you do things they're not that fun yeah it turns out a lot of stuff you think is going to be great and you go into it being like this could be really cool i know and halfway through you're like i just want to go home i have to say i'm i'm so passionate about comedy but it truly is true like there's been stuff where I do it and I'm like, this was a squandering of talent. Like people just squander funny people and like ask them to do not funny stuff and force them away from their instincts and make them do stuff that's not funny. It's like,

it actually breaks my heart. Do you have a personal one or? I mean, I can't say them. but there's got to be one you can dump on god well the only thing that's like no i don't even i can't even think of anything i'll give you a i'll give you a fun one you go um i had the this is not me talking shit i had the pleasure of working with this already sounds like you're talking no but it's funny because it'll be feel you'll get the it, it's funny. The disaster artist, the movie disaster artist,

you know? So I was in that quote unquote. Okay. But like my name is on the credits. I'm in like seven scenes. Yeah. I have no lines. What are you doing? I don't know. They cut me out of the whole movie. What were you supposed to be doing? I was supposed to be one of the actors in the movie, the room. I was around the whole thing thing i was around a whole ton but like they just i just nothing i had landed whoa so do you feel like it was your fault yeah what did you do nothing funny obviously i think i just think my character was so weird and he's like this in in the movie the room he is he's the strawberry guy that gets a blow job do you remember remember the movie at all? I don't remember it very well. That's funny.

Listen, I was so delighted to be able to do the project with those guys because they're awesome. Franco and Seth and Evan, but it was just weird. Cause when I saw the movie, I was like, I'm not,

I mean, they didn't tell you cause no one ever tells. They don't tell you. It's weird when you get kids. I've heard this before. When you get cut from a movie, people don't tell you. So you just learn it.

This is coming from someone who's never been cut out of anything. Chelsea Peretti, you guys bragging. Well, I've barely done anything. Bragging. I've heard from losers who get cut all the time. No, I've barely done anything. Do you think you've barely done anything because you're picky? I'm 58 and I'm just getting started.

You are. You are a good looking 58. Thank you. But you don't do stuff as much because why honestly well there's a combination of things like i think one is that genuine passion for comedy and i also always feel like i could write something i'd rather write something on my own and it's a little slower yeah i'm on page 70 of my script, by the way. How many is it going to, how many pages total do you think it's going to be like 300, 400?

No. Um, but anyway, but I'd rather write my own thing. And then the other part of it is that I just have a lot of anxieties. About doing the projects? Just anything. Just anxiety in general? Just about doing anything. What did you, when I first asked you to do this, you were, you initially were like, no, I'm saying I'm asking you mentally. No, because I had so much fun doing Friendsgiving with you. We had never really hung out before that. No. Have we ever even met?

I don't remember. We had met, we had met through the grapevine. Kind of like how people in comedy meet. I mean, I feel like there's a million people i know but we don't really know each other right and that's kind of how it was but like would you have off of reputation alone would you have been like she's annoying or something no if what i knew of you before i got to actually physically meet you was that you were funny and and nice and kind of in your own world like you don't really you're not really out and about and you're not a sceny person in the comedy world so like you don't you don't no one's gonna

catch you hanging at largo on a thursday well i used to yeah but that's what but now in in this present time i'm not talking about years and years ago i do love largo though it's a great place if i were to hang that's where you would hang well i also used to hang at the comedy store but it's a great place if i were to hang that's where you would hang well i also used to hang at the comedy store but it's like a lot of weird people yeah get really close to you there and that started stressing me out well what the comedy store has given i mean for me being like a regular there i love it but what it does is it's opened the doors to like everyone has access to anybody it's a little much there was this little period where i was going there i can't remember and this guy was like full-on had a video camera with a light and was trying to make videos with me after i got off stage and i'm just kind of like gross oh god you were sleep upset i was like oh man what do i

do here i don't know i'm just like on foot don't you just say go away go away i think i might have did something said hi hi you're really sweet about it hi don't do this but i don't know i mean that's where i'm always on the precipice of like the thing i do love the most about stand-up is the the camaraderie yeah i like hanging out after stand-up god my voice you know do you ever listen to stern i haven't in a while i listen to him every day do you no seriously well you know how he's always talking about uh voices like you don't have that i do you just did it on purpose no but before that when i was talking i was like i don't think i think it sounded i think you can't help it like if i try to make my voice really melodious it's's like, hi. Wait, I guess I can kind of do it.

I'm going crazy. Hi. Hi. So, yeah. You know, I love stand up and it's a great scene. It sounds so fake. It feels like it just takes a lot of effort to do. That sounds really fake.

But I feel like him and Robin are like, it's lazy to not try to make your voice sound more easy but he's but he but he also hates this stuff you know did you did you listen this whole thing where he was talking shit on podcasts no seriously you should go it's hilarious well within his right he's probably right about it well no he just you know i think he was going after i feel like ari shafir had something to do with it and he mentioned him on his show which was crazy being like some some jag off ari shafir's you know saying with it. And he mentioned him on his show, which was crazy being like some, some jag off Ari Shafir's, you know, saying podcast of the future.

I just think he's a little, he's a little, his, he's a little, he is antiquated. I just think. Careful now. No,

no. Careful now. I think he doesn't understand that this is the future. It's fine if you don't like this, but for him to be like, there's no future in podcasts. It's like, that's an,

you're insane. That's an insane idea. Also the way that satellite was like, people were like't like this. Yeah. But for him to be like, there's no future in podcasts. It's like, that's an, you're insane. That's an insane idea. Also the way that satellite was like, people were like, what? Satellite? Yeah. Now he's on it. Right. Now he owns it.

Does he talk about Trump yet? I don't know why I'm talking to you about Stern on your podcast. We're going to do the rest of the show on Howard Stern. No, but let me, let me transition back to what we were almost saying. When you change your voice there yeah do you do do you do voiceover stuff or no i do and i love it do you change your voice for that or they want you to be you all the time they frequently want me to be me yeah but isn't that so nice i'll do it yeah for sure i love it because i go in do like like doing silly voices

but i go in and they're like your voice no just anybody else Yeah. So what's your go-to? Hey! No, you know what? I had an audition one time and they were like, well, hey! No, they go, we really like what you did. Is there any way you could sound like TJ Miller? I'm not kidding. Yeah. Well, he's like always.

Can you imitate TJ Miller? No, I guess not as much lately, but like I used to like everything I did, everything I did, they'd be like, TJ was just here. And, you know, he was just so loose with it. He's just loose. I was like, well, I'm not. Loose guy. I'm stressed and tense.

Is that going to work for your format? Could you be a little more TJ? If you could be more TJ. He was just a complete loose cannon. I was like, well. He came in here, he punched an executive. He peed on my desk we loved it he killed no i i i've tried to do voiceover i think i've done a i think i've done i'm not kidding a thousand auditions i wish i went back and logged never landed anything wow i'm batting nothing i've never landed one i don't like doing vo auditions

i kind of feel like you should sort of know what i yeah you should know what you want well i do it from my just on your phone at home that's what they do they always like can you just record it i know but then it's like i'm sitting in a closet and my baby's crying in the background it's like i just feel like don't you know what my voice is sort of like i mean that's arrogant you know no but that's the same thing about auditions in general when you go out for something and they're like we love chelsea you know what's cool though i had an audition for something that i heard you know the thin walls where you can hear this is such like an industry podcast well this is an industry pod dude we're calling it industry pod we're changing the name but you could hear what the other people auditioning

for the role were doing like very well like it wasn't at all like a lot of people don't know this but like when you audition you can hear the person always and it's very stressful it's like for me the worst headspace to be in is listening to other people that's why i don't like stand up sometimes it's like i'm listening to the act before me and then i go up i'm like oh but who am i in comparison who am i when you listen to the anxiety that i get listening to another actor read the audition it's the same way i i was when i was a kid when parents would fight in a room you could you could kind of hear what's happening yeah it gives me anxiety i don't know what's going on that's what it feels like so this particular one i heard like the person doing in my my least

favorite thing about mediocre like like mediocre comedy actors, people who do like a serviceable job and they get work, but they're not genuinely very funny. Like they don't like, go ahead and name some people. Let me throw out a list of names and let's see if we can get them banned. Um, who do you think genuinely is the worst at that? There's someone that you can call out. That's very famous. That gets a lot of work. That isn't funny. No, I'm so political now. It'll never hurt your career. Everything could. That's not true. That's not true. No, but let me just finish my thought and then we'll see if someone comes to mind, but I don't, I don't know. But, um, it, the, the quintessential to me, mediocre comedy acting is when you read the line exactly how I would imagine it

on the page. Right. So it's like, whoa, how'd you get in here? As the line is like, whoa, how'd you get in here?

Yeah. And it's just like every single line is like, it's a bad example because that line isn't that funny. Yeah, but that would be written in something. Whoa, how'd you get in here? Yeah. That would would be written and it's like someone who's doing their own thing is like well like you know or whatever they're doing something different i don't know

this is a bad this is a bad no but you're saying you like no but you like the fact if someone tries something different you want to be surprised like even if it's bad even if it's jokes you don't want to see where the punchline is you want to be surprised by the punchline the element of surprise is like crucial to comedy right so if someone's doing it exactly how the writer imagined it it probably isn't that funny yeah those people probably book work because the writers are like that's just how i imagined it perfect but don't you think sometimes if the comedy writing on something isn't strong you don't have a choice oh yeah that's the hardest part that's the hardest so if you do something where it's not that funny an original stamp on something where it's just absolutely you can't

here how did you get in here hey how did you get in here all right and then you go hey how did you you hit hey i hit you but you know what that's because we're different we're different people can i can i give you this gift i want you to open it up okay i got because i want to drink this sparkling water but it feels like gulping and you're gonna burp you can burp this i got chelsea a gift um that's that's the uh tissue paper this is real this is real this is real this is real i haven't done this yet this is funny that this store is where i got one of the first little baby clothes for my son oh really i was like i can't you know you're so worried that it's not gonna the pregnancy's not gonna work out and so i was like i didn't let myself i think till i was in my second trimester buy him a second trimester i think you're good i bought

him a little listen so i got him a little shirt there and it says call my call my agent oh my god i have a little baby shirt that says call my agent and i got him a gumby because i feel like gumby is i think that's pretty imperative for youth to have a stretchy thing. See now, people don't read because this is ages three plus. I asked her and she said, it doesn't matter. She said there's no loose parts

to swallow. This is how I respond to a gift. See, people don't read. I did my due diligence. Thank you for this gift. Yeah, the woman at the store said, I just figured the call my agent shirt is so cheesy and stupid

that I loved it. That is. Call my agent. And I also wanted to get, like get a Sharpie and pen the agency names below it. Like cross out CAA. He doesn't have an agent. He does. He's at UTA now.

I heard he's at William Morris is hip pocketing your kid already. If your kid wanted to get in the business, would you be into it or no? No. So smart. Smart woman. I mean, would I try to block him with everything I have? It depends what he was saying about it but i mean no i would not want him yeah i say the same thing i hope i hope

to god my kid but but then i also think it'd be different though if we lived in like not not la and he was like i want to do theater or he was like i want to perform you know it'd be different living in la and being in the business and then like having your child. It just feels like I already think L.A. is so gross with all the like networking people do like on a daily basis. It's crazy. To involve my son in it just seems disgusting to me. Like the kids that are at those kid auditions. It makes me so sad.

And the mom is like, say, say thank you. And the kids are like, thank you. And she's like like now get in the goddamn car let's go we have to go to another it's like you're shuffling around this poor little child around town well how about too it's like i feel like people do birthday parties as networking opportunities sure they do here yeah 100 i'm just like i don't want to participate no keep them i already don't really want to go to any birthday parties adults or children me neither weddings either i'm out of those things yeah i think i did them No, keep them sheltered. I already don't really want to go to any birthday parties.

Adults or children. Me neither. Weddings either. I'm out of those things. Yeah. I think I did them. Shouldn't you have a number that you hit if you did? I think I did them all. I think I did them all.

I've wanted to do 15 weddings and I'm good. I think that's it for me. I think I've seen every kind of wedding. I think I did them all. I did them all. My best friends have all been married. Okay. So at this point, it's kind of like, you know.

Yeah. When someone's like, hey, can you come to my wedding i'm like you know yeah i used to have a joke about my dad's third wedding because your dad got married three times yeah i was just thinking like maybe you'll have to go to your friend's second marriages yeah i will i will at some point it's just that was just reminding me of that joke about my dad but it's just like the feel of a second wedding it's just such a funny thing to think about it is again my goodness oh my god forever you in love forever this one's forever yeah this is there's no doubt sheila is forever you love her where did you guys meet where did you meet oh she worked in your office divorce lawyer oh she was oh okay. Wow. Well, I guess this will work out for sure. All my friends are married once. No one I know has been married again,

but I am in that age range. I'm 35. I think this is when like it could start happening and people get divorced and get married again. Actually, if all your friends are married, that's pretty young. My best friends, I guess. Where are they all from? Chicago. All my Chicago. People out here, People out here, nobody's married out here. Now, when you were in Chicago, did you do improv? Mm-mm.

I started everything pretty much in LA. Well, I did theater in college. And I did a couple of sketch things in college, but it wasn't a big thing back then. I mean, it just wasn't available for me. And then when I moved to LA is when I started. People are like, oh, starting in LA is so dumb. I was like, if I move back to Chicago, I'll never leave because I wouldn't.

I know me. Like I'd be so close to family and it would have just been so hard to leave for me. Do you see your family a lot? I go home probably like eight times a year. Once a month. I was not expecting eight. I'm home.

Is that a lie or that's true i went home eight times this year that's crazy but here's why if i'm traveling for stand-up and i'm near chicago yeah i'll stop by that's still crazy i love my family i miss those humans so much that's sweet would any of them come here yeah well my parents if you had a kid they then they wouldn't probably move here for chunks at a time yeah yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Especially for the winter in Chicago. They keep saying that. Yeah. They're like,

you have a kid. That would be great. Well, that's their, they want to do that. They want to do summer in Chicago, winter here. But I go home just because I feel like I,

I mean, this is a very personal thing, but I, I sometimes kind of lose myself here and I feel gross. And I'm like, if I don't go home, I'm going to like maybe go mentally off the deep end. I feel like I'm going to fucking, I feel like I like i'm gonna stab someone at target like that woman that stabbed

people at target yeah i got her kitchen knife i got her listen it's so funny you mentioned that because i was very impacted by that story were you yeah it just was such a crazy at the time now this is a daily occurrence yeah not crazy like then it was like such a weird story like huh that's weird someone attacked someone in public now it's like every day you're just like every day fucked up shit happens happening i know but that hit me hard well first of all we used to live like right around the corner in the west hollywood here but from that target but i just that means nothing i used to live near it i just thought i could have been in that target that day no you couldn't have you don't think it would happen the chances were next what if i went to jersey mike's and then went up to target

then went to ulta and you were the one person she stopped no what if i saw this more likely what was that that's so mean came at your hair dude okay i'll come let me come original comedy that i let me come at your hair you wouldn't think about that. I have brown hair. I'm normal. You know what's wrong with my hair? Stand out, dude. Stand out. If you want to talk hair for a section. Let's talk hair for a chunk.

It's so dry. I don't know. Listen, can you hear this? Yeah, they can. These mics are good. They'll pick that right up. What's all that white stuff falling out? There is not for the record.

He's just being funny. You're clearing jokes for the record. That was a joke for the record. There is no gross stuff. Fake news. Fake news. Number one guy. Number one guy.

Chels. Yes. Chels. For the remainder of the year, are you doing anything else? No. Job wise or you're just chilling are you hanging i have a couple jobs i'm i'm debating tell us no i can't but like i will say

they both involve stand-up-ish type scenarios that's one thing i asked you off air that i'll ask you on air would you do another special another stand-up special i mean i would yeah i think i probably will but the question is i guess i guess my my real question is like how how uh how adamant are you to try to get it done like are you really trying to do that or is it kind of like man we'll see when it happens not right now i'm not but it's the kind of thing i do have a lot of material yeah you're you're an endless pit of material that's what we call you on the street they go chelsea endless pit of material peretti i do though and i feel like i could i feel like i maybe this is like crazy to say but i feel like i could do a bunch of stand-up for a couple months

and i feel like i could shoot a special i don't think it's crazy to say i mean i i don't know if it'll be fine-tuned at that point but it'll still be be good stuff. But you know what's annoying with stand-up? I mean, so many things are, but it's like... Let's talk about them. The more fine-tuned, you sometimes ride that wave to the other side where it's like the jokes don't hit anymore, and you're kind of over them. Do you know what I mean?

Are you kidding me? You hammer a joke through, and it's like, oh, you're one that always gets big laughs, suddenly just doesn't, and you're like, what? But you did that because of the way you... I've learned, like, the way I present a joke, like oh you're one that always gets big laughs suddenly just doesn't and you're like what but you did that because of the way you i've learned like the way i present a joke when it stops being funny because they know that you don't find it funny anymore it's i think people have a weird sense of that like i think audiences are smarter than we give them credit for and sometimes if i

do a joke that's been doing so well for so so so many like here i'll just give these pigs this you slobs. I'll just throw it on your face, the slop on your face. Here you go. Here you go. But then what about when you feel that way and then they do laugh and you're like, you fucking idiots. Idiots.

I think it's because they can tell. They can sense that you're like, I've done this before. It's almost a little bit of autopilot. Even when you're really selling a joke. I just went through that. I just killed a couple of jokes that I was bummed about because i really liked him but then i was like i overused him i think i think you ever had a joke where it's like it does really well and then you realize like i don't know months in you're like why does this do well what does this

joke even mean i don't even understand it i've multiple are you kidding me as dumb as i i'm a moron sometimes i say stuff people laugh and i go i don't even know why that's funny. It's just weird. Like I forget what I'm thinking of, but it's like, have you ever had someone tell you a joke of yours and kind of define it? And you're like, oh, I didn't even know that's why you thought it was funny. That's kind of what you're saying. Well, also there'll be jokes I try that I totally forget about. Like Eric Andre told me about some joke and he's like, yeah, this joke that you used to do is so funny and I completely have forgotten about it. And then I put it in my special. I think jokes that take shape over time sometimes kill themselves. I think when you, I think some of my favorite jokes that I've

ever told or ever, or even ever seen of other people, they were small and fresh and quick and they almost just disappeared. Like my favorite stuff is stuff that people will never do again. I know. Well, that's the thing that makes stand-up sometimes feel so meaningless to me like if i watch i'm so negative i mean that's why all this stuff doesn't matter and the world's gonna end though it is maybe no it is between the aliens and who knows not aliens as in immigrants aliens as in that probe that harvard chelsea peretti again the caravan of people coming into this country but i hope i hope aliens from space come down wouldn't be so tight first time i saw like an alien story in the news that i was like maybe they could save us

help like i i wasn't like what are they gonna do to us i was like they're gonna disrupt our lives i'm like please take us that's so funny for funny. For the first time, we're not scared. We're so anxious for them to come. Yeah. Come, come, come. Hurry, hurry, hurry. That's why Elon Musk set that car up into space. It was like, hey, more attention.

Guys, please. This would be cool. Put us in the, get us out of the thing. If there was an option, if there was an option to go live in space, if they were like, hey, man, it only costs this much money. You can actually go live in a space and we found a way to do it. Would you go do it? If they're like,

you can get off earth with your family. Things would have to get a little worse for me to be ready to. Okay. So it's not as, it's not that bad then right now. Is that what you're saying? The problem is it would get bad so fast and then you couldn't. Then you couldn't get there.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. This is kind of like a, you have to decide today. What I'm offering you today is outside. We can take you to space. Well, I need to see like a brochure of a space hotel. You want proof that it works? I just want to see the accommodations.

No, we have not a space hotel. We have a space house. We built you a space house. I want to see the house. It's a replica of your house. We got, we put it in space. It's on Mars. Who are you?

Hmm? Who's we? None of your business. That's going to be important. Let me tell you something. You don't have a choice. You're either going to, you don't, you don't have a choice. That was the whole point.

I have a choice. You don't have a choice over deciding yes or no based on who I am. What kind of hotels do you stay in on the road? Like, do you go for, I gonna treat myself for sometimes i go for the five seasons um seriously do you stay at the four seasons no no no i mean most of the cities i go to don't even have a nice i think i like to stay at like and uh hyatt branch hotels i boutique hotels are fun if i can get a boutique hotel i'll do that yeah there's a cool website named mr and mrs smith.com i know it yeah okay i know everything chelsea i've researched chelsea that has cool hotels on it i'll find stuff on that what i don't like to stay in is like a really sad old Marriott.

Like that bums me out. Oh God. It's horrible. Like I'd rather stay in like a Motel 6 or like a Red Roof Inn. I mean, I don't, but I would rather stay in that than an old sad Marriott for some reason because sad Marriotts have this like 9,000 businessmen have come through depressingly and sat like slovenly eating food in the bed that you're in. Yes. It just depresses me.

So dark. Yeah. So I'd rather stay at, in. It just makes, it just depresses me. Yeah. So I'd rather stay at, I'd rather stay at, I tried boutique hotels or Airbnb is chill thing with boutique hotels. Cause I always prefer that too. And I think it's that. Well, cause it's not as used.

First of all, they just don't have as much traffic. Yeah. You know, like, like a, like a Marriott or like a corporate hotel is like a, just like a bus.

That's all it is. It's just, it's just like sleeping on a bus, sleeping on a bus. And a boutique, bout corporate hotel is like a, just like a bus. That's all it is. It's just like sleeping on a bus. It's sleeping on a bus. And a boutique hotel is like, it's French. And when you get to a boutique hotel, it's just more like intimate. You just feel like it's more mom and poppy. I don't know.

Like bed and breakfasts are my favorite things on earth. When, you know, we were, we went to. Maybe you have to interact with the- Not true. Not true. And also it depends on where you are. We were in Italy. We went to a couple of bed and breakfast

and it was so nice because they were just- Well, that's totally different. Well, that's what I mean. I mean, you know, that's where you do bed and breakfast. You don't do it like here. I'm not going to be in Cincinnati

at a bed and breakfast. Well, that's what I thought you were saying. No. I mean, I have tried that a few times. I know. I hear you. In New York, I just sleep on the train. I sleep on the-

New York is a tough one, I think. I just sleep on the one and I just go up and down all day long. Yeah. It's actually, they got some of the greatest seats on that subway. Really nice for stretching out. There's no bar in the middle of them. Chicago has like bars. You can't.

They don't want homeless people sleeping. Is that your phone? No. It's mine? Yeah, your own phone. That's just so rude. I thought it was like a timer. Like we're done. Oh, you want to be done? I thought I wanted to get out of here. Hey, so, so you might be working on some other stuff coming at the end of the year, right? That could be fun or no, we just can't talk about it well you know i'm really focused on writing my movie yeah it's for you and i'm loving it all right so listen i want to ask you the partial premise of this podcast even though i haven't really gotten to it that much

with some of my guests because the conversation meandered was youthful stories of when you may or may not have been intoxicated and you got in trouble. So you're going to keep that up for the whole run of your podcast? It's never going to happen, but I'm trying. Okay. So I, well, I got drunk a lot as a youth. When did you first start drinking? The first time I was drunk was my freshman year of high school. And for people to know, you don't have any booze anymore.

No, no, no. No. No, no, no. But when you were 15? How old are you freshman year? I school and for people to know you don't have any booze anymore no no no no no no no but when you were 15 how old are you freshman year i think it's 15 yeah i drank a 40 of old english i'm gonna give you the pound dude hell yeah dude what's up so lame it is such a gross it's such a disgusting disgusting you know what it was like the 90s it was like every song and yeah you're just following you're just following the culture yeah yeah so anyway and then i cried i thought someone was being mean to me i cried you got wasted yeah that was sign number one that alcohol wasn't

gonna be not my friend but yeah and it was like i had just switched from public school to private school and it was like i didn't like it and i didn't feel comfortable why did you did mom and dad make you switch yeah i mean it was probably i guess it was for the best because the school was definitely very challenging but wait why do you mean the academics of it or the culture yeah the academics it was very were you cool in high school i mean in the academics of it or the culture? Yeah, the academics. It was very... Were you cool in high school? I mean, in the context of that school, it's hard to really assign that. Why?

Because it was just such a small academic school. It was like... Was it everybody that was fighting to get into a good college? Yeah. And it was like hardcore studying. I mean... Where did you go to college? I went to Barnard in new york wow

man are we on two different levels dude you're on the roof dude i'm in the basement i went to arizona state university that's supposed to be good just kidding stupid what a bad joke dude i can make the joke okay what did you major in um mixology were you on that show you What a bad joke, dude. I can make the joke. What did you major in? Mixology. Were you on that show? You asshole. Were you?

That's so funny that it came to my brain right then. I was actually good on that show. Okay, Chelsea, I was funny. What was your character in a sentence? I was the cheapest Zach Galifianakis they could buy. Like you were weird and absurd? Weird, sloppy dude. They literally were like, like Galifianakis they could buy. Like you were weird and absurd? Weird, sloppy dude. They literally were like,

Zach Galifianakis. The guys that wrote that show wrote The Hangover. Interesting. Lucas Amor. Yeah. And it was directed by... Oh my God. Larry Charles.

Do you know who Larry Charles isles is um you did borat larry david larry charles who's also larry david's good friend great did curb did borat got it he's a genius yeah that show could have been so cool and then abc was like it's about love and we were like it's a comedy about people in new york yeah but they sold it as love the mouse man abc the mouse i went to school for journalism english was my minor i was actually summa cum laude up in college player i was a good in college high school bad bad bad because i didn't like i hated going to high school classes were so stupid and this this sounds arrogant. I felt like I was just above it. I was like, I'm better than all these classes. I would get B's and not even show up.

They were just stupid and not fun and not engaging. But college was awesome because I got to do things I wanted to do. So were you wanting to be a journalist? I just wanted to get into some, I wanted to learn about broadcasting. I wanted to learn about tv and radio and film and so really like journalism was just a cover for acting i wanted to be an actor i never wanted to be an actor per se i wanted to be a comedic comedian and maybe a comedic actor but like i genuinely from the bottom of my honest heart i was like i'll never make it make it as an actor. I was like, I'm not a good looking dude. And I'm not, I don't have that thing. I never had, I never ever was. I didn't tell my parents I wanted to be an actor until I got a TV show. My mom and dad were like, what? What did they think you were doing? Stand up, just stand up. They were fine with that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What did they,

they didn't have a lot of expectations out of me. I was never like a, I was never a driven kid to be like, you know, I really want to go to college for this, or I really want to get into this thing. I just liked having a good time and creating shit. So my parents have always been like, go ahead,

go do it. Are you falling asleep? Um, no, Chelsea just fell asleep. So tired. Why? Why?

Family stuff? I haven't been sleeping that well. how many hours a night do you sleep late the last couple nights probably six hours that's good five or six I sleep six hours a night why I don't know I just I don't need that much I like to get eight but for the last you're so average dude the last year I've had like six or seven most times. I feel like that's good for a young parent. Don't you think? I'll take the young. No, I mean the baby's young.

You're old, dude. I'll take it. What's the first thing you do first thing in the morning when you wake up from your six hours of measly sleep? Well, I check what time it is. I look at the light and try to figure out what time it is, and then I look at my phone. You guess first.

I put my phone in airplane mode when I sleep because the Wi-Fi is supposed to radiate you or something. But it's cool during the day. It's great during the day. So I put the Wi-Fi, I mean, I put the airplane mode off. Yeah. Check out some news. Are you a breakfast person?

Well, I get my son up and then usually I make him toast. Oh, does he love toast? Ezekiel bread. Oh, Ezek bread. Yeah, very like Hearty Grainy Toast Do you go to Air One

No it's too far What And I'll put I put Nut butter On there Sunflower seed butter Cute cute

Today I put a couple Raisins and cinnamon On there Sprinkle sprinkle Or I'll do Avocado toast Or eggs You're living that LA life

Yeah I'm a breakfast dude i like full breakfast where do you go where's good in la uh actually salt's cure on santa monica is probably one of my favorite places in the world salt what do you get they do griddle cakes oatmeal griddle cakes and it's just like come on they're crazy they're so good but do you need a little salt with that or do you just get the pancakes the grit they're they're oatmeal griddle cakes not pancakes totally different because they're like mushy they're not like cook it's not like a fluffy pancake it's like oatmeal cake you've ever had oatmeal grill top a griddle cake you've never had that i'm gonna take you for real you'll love it it's not it's

way healthier than a pancake and i think they're way better but they put blueberries in there and then i get eggs and then i get firm fresh sausage and then I get an arugula salad on the side. And then a big cup of coffee because I like my coffee. Why do you get an arugula salad? I like arugula salad. I like some green in the morning. If I'm not smoking a green, dude, I'm eating it, doggy. Nah.

People that smoke weed first thing in the morning scare me. You need it to get through the day. Wake and bake. Wake and bakey, doggy. Why don't you just, you know know start the day and get slowly get into it i think it's weird when someone's like gotta have my weed first thing weed is slowly slowly getting into it no i think that's i think you're going from zero to a hundred to get stoned the first your body's not even like adjusting to the day yet well obviously people use weed to

self-medicate you're telling me you smoke weed every morning? Is that what this is a pitch for? I wish. Listen, I wish. I'm struggling. No, I'm kidding. I don't. I was never a daily weed smoker. Neither.

For me, the reaction to it is pretty extreme. When you would get high, you would get real high. Yeah, like with anything. My body is very responsive. So people be like, you're still high. And they think I'm like full of it. You know what I mean? But I'm like, no, I am.

Like six hours later. I don't know. But just like, it would always be like my friends had already come down. They're like, they think I'm crazy. But any drug affects me a lot. Yeah. And. What drug affected you the worst?

Like I didn't enjoy it. Yeah. Like it fucked with you the worst. Like either it made you the most sick or the more way too high. And you're like that. I did not have a fun trip. Did you ever do acid? You know, I never had success with acid. I tried it a couple of times. Didn't work. Something always went wrong. It was on a candy and I feel like I didn't get enough or this or that i was thinking about ecstasy because just the come down from ecstasy is pretty bad but then the next day is real bad off ecstasy yeah but mushrooms i never had like a bad trip or anything i loved mushrooms me too i guess not a bad trip i just mean like you know like like i i guess um

ecstasy probably was it for me unfortunately i didn't have as much fun you people like it's so I guess not a bad trip. I just mean like, you know, like, like I, I guess, um, ecstasy probably was it for me. Unfortunately, I didn't have as much fun. You'd be like, it's so pleasurable. Didn't love it. Didn't love it. Did not love it.

It's so funny. You know why? I'm not a touchy feely person and I'm not, I think I'm emotionally disconnected to stuff like that, to physical. But even when you were on it, you felt that way? Cause they used to use it.

Obviously, you know, this to couples therapy in the seventies. Yeah. For shut down motherfuckers like mdm excuse me excuse me excuse me yeah excuse me i'm trying my best i'm working out my problems okay as long as you're trying as long as you're still chipping away at it. Such motherly advice. You chipping away? I'm breaking down slowly, mom. It sounds great. Call me next Monday. I love you.

What? I love you. Bye. Okay, mom. That's how the conversations go with my mom. I go, I love you. And my dad goes, take care. Take care.

That's why you're in comedy. Take care, Chels. Be well. They're crazy. Do you get along? Did you get along with any of your dad's wives um well one was my mother she was chill one was my stepmother for much of my youth listen they're all they all have their charms and you don't have you don't have to say that i didn't like anybody my dad got with. Everyone that my dad married other than my mom or dated for a long time, not a fan. But I'm blowing up my own spot.

I know you don't want to do that. You're much more political than I am. I don't care. Well, is it even political? It's like, I don't know. You just don't want to burn family bridge. It's people. Yeah, they're just people.

Yeah. Unless they ruined a portion of your life. They're still just people. Just people. They'll ruin you, but they're just people. No, I think that's the thing. It's like from when I started stand up and all these people were like specifically guys are just like nothing's offensive. Well, things definitely can be offensive.

Yeah. Well, but when I started, that was the climate in New York of stand up. It was like all these people were like, nothing's offensive. It's just not funny if it's, you know, it's like and all this stuff. And so I feel like i've gone on this crazy journey to where now i'm like no people's feelings matter and also though i like funny shit right and it's like some there it's it's hard because i always use this example i once posted about like how selfies suck or something like how selfies suck yeah selfies like if you look at everyone's social media account i mean i do it too it's

just like selfies i feel like are so they're just kind of a bummer and some girl i mean i got so much pushback for saying i didn't like like a joke i had about selfies on twitter and then all these people are like i do selfies and they give me self-esteem and they give me and it's my me representing myself and framing myself okay oh my god it's like and maybe they're right but like it's just like it is like this weird time where i'm like i don't even know myself how to navigate how i feel about all these different things because but you don't have to that's taking on a lot of responsibility i think you i think part part part of what you said was true i and part of what that they had said was true i don't think anything is off limits in comedy but you can offend people you just have to decide whether or not you give a shit

and if it's funny well yeah i mean I certainly would not stop myself from doing jokes about selfies. But that's what I mean. Like, you can't concern yourself with what everyone feels. It was very shocking to me that people felt so passionately about them. Because I just thought, oh, everyone feels how I feel, which is it's this weird vein. You feel bad about yourself and you try to take the best picture you can of yourself. And you put it online and people are like, you're you're pretty and you're like oh thank god do people do people comment negatively on some of your stuff yes i feel like you don't have a negative fan base i

no not like some of you guys cultivate i get i get for some i get people that like me but they still say the meanest shit because they think that's what you want and i feel like i gotta say be careful with that because i've seen a lot of people cultivate that kind of fan base and it's like it's kind of poisonous yeah well no i don't i obviously don't engage in that stuff i don't i said be careful okay i don't engage so be careful okay like jessel nick posted this thing well dude talk about a guy that fishes for negativity. I know, but I'm just saying like he tried to say a joke about me with Brooklyn Nine-Nine where he was like, I heard she got fired. And he like reposted like press, you know. And then all his fans were like, good, because she's ugly and she's not funny.

And she got fat. Like all this shit. I was reading it and I was just like, oh, my God's my friend we both think each other are funny you don't even get that he's making a joke right now i'm trying to be like yeah trying to say i got fired and and i'm just like and yet that's the fan base that he has and it's like i don't know i i just think like i think it's a scary thing to be scared of your own fans that's like a weird that means something's going on in your psyche well i mean i don't know if he's scared of his fans but for me i wouldn't want that fan base i'd be scared of them because they're so like so much like rage well they're so critical but also he walks into

that fire i tweeted the other day there was a couple that died in a helicopter accident. Yeah. Literally after they left their wedding. Oh, I saw that, yeah. And I retweeted the news story, and I just wrote, go ahead, Anthony Jeselnik. I just added him, because I was like, you know it's coming. And literally 10 seconds later, he tweeted about it. What did he say?

I love a wedding with a hard out. So here's the thing, right? I knew he was going to, and then people attacked me. For encouraging him. Well, he was going to do it anyway. But my joke was almost shitting on him because I was like, this is his territory. Of course, he's going to make light of this sad tragedy. But that's the world we live in, in comedy.

And people. So here's the thing that i will say about that situation it's like why there there is something about trauma headlines like that like these headlines are fucking made for us to be like their sensationalism yeah like oh they just got married they fucking died it's like there's something are you are you orgasming is that what that is oh yeah dead couple don't you think there's something very like i don't know what the word libidin is there's something very well it's media sets it's essential it's it's like oh yeah this fucking headline it's so fucked up it's so

fucking trend it's like tmz like regular news is like 4chan you know what i mean it's like what are you guys doing like of course what is anyone supposed to do with that headline okay so this beautiful couple just got married and then they and then they're dead in a flight and what i didn't know them so i don't feel for them or their family beyond like that's fucking so sad and then your heart doesn't know what to do with it you know and it's just like there is like you know on twitter every time like there's a shooting it's like here comes the slideshow of the victims it's like what am i doing i'm paging through 40 people i've never met that just got gunned down yeah it's like it's just such a weird the whole thing is just like what is everyone's

intentions okay but don't you feel like well okay this is this is this is crazy because this brought up i just met you and this is crazy but here's my number call me baby that was call me baby by chelsea pretty we'll be right back on kwbm wxqv and you don't book vo that's incredible uh this is nuts this means this might this is so outdated i i was hitting this new point in comedy in my brain where i was starting to just back up a little bit and go i i don't know what's making me happy anymore in comedy and And I landed flying back from New York and LA and, um, the kid from fast and furious died. I can't, I'm drawing such a bad blank. Um, Paul Walker. And I landed and I saw the headline and I swear to God, this is crazy. It never hit me like this when like celebrity or someone famous died i i cried at the airport because i was like all these did you just have a rough gig i had a tough day i had a tough night i had a tough night at stand-up new york

no i cried at the fucking airport bathroom because comics were shitting all they were like must have been too fast too if you're you know people made all these cheap jokes and i don't know why some maybe something happened with my family that week something hit me so hard that i was like that's a fucking real dude right that was a real dude it fucked it fucked my head i was like that was a guy his mom and dad are you know something about it hit me and so what you're saying i'm just i'm tying these together of like, yes, I don't know, Paul. I don't know this couple that died, but like, it still gives me the creeps that we invest so much in death. Like we, the news loves tragedy.

And so then they feed it to you. And then when you have any response, but so sad, people are like, it's like a pile on. Everything you read, I feel like the human reaction for survival is like what would i have done how could i have saved myself in this situation you read it and you think what could i have done and it's like you know the same reason i think people rubberneck when there's accidents it's like you want to see wait what happened like well you know there must have been some way to not have this happen or something right i don't know but yeah i mean i think about that too it's like somewhere there's

the whole entire family of people that were at that wedding and they're like their life has forever changed yes and someone's just like well yeah one kid on the internet kids on the internet get to make fun of it idiots they deserve, they deserve it. That kind of stuff. But also it's like we are disproportionately invested in the internet. I mean, I also have so many friends that have just done some sort of fast, like are left to the internet. I've done it a few times. It feels amazing.

Right. Like if I didn't read this stuff every day, I wouldn't feel horrible every day. Yeah. This morning I woke up, got a text about that shooting up North. Yeah. My dad's company, he flies in, it's next door to that. And not like I'm trying to be one of these guys that I used to know that guy, but it is weird in your brain. It's like, Oh God, that's so close and weird. And it's just, it's gross. It sucks. Yeah. But it's so consumable because I want to know that shit.

Yeah. It sucks that I want to know it. Maybe that's it. I hate that I want to know. Well, it's just also this, it's an attempt to feel you can control it. Like, well, maybe if I read all these facts, somehow I can avoid, you know, well, there was those movie theater shootings. Now it's like, I don't even like going to the movies anymore. Yeah. And when I do, I'm always like sitting in

an aisle and then I'm like, literally I'll be like, but if they come in, I'll be the first place they would shoot. And should I sit in the back? And it's like, I mean, I'm thinking about this now in so many situations, or if it's like a big you know venue performance venue i'm like where the exit it's like i just feel like it's like it's changing um but i don't then i don't know if that's bad maybe that's good to think that way well it's good to be aware of your surroundings but i think it's bad i think it's i think it's bad to be like could i get shot at this concert? I think that fucking sucks that that's a reality. Well, that's why, you know.

Let's end this on a high note. We're going to get high? Chelsea. I am so happy that you did this. I can't be. I'm so elated. I feel like I should have had a coffee, but I just didn't have time. It doesn't matter.

Your presence was amazing anyway. Whenever I see you, it brings a a smile to my face it was the best part of doing that movie i i i saw you and i was like i love seeing you every day it makes me it made me so happy because also sometimes when you do these movies um that are indie and they're like it's also hard because and i'm not talking shit it's just there's so much so much going on and it's not a huge production so you just kind of have to like be available and show up when they might not need you and you hang around for a long time you don't really know what's going on yeah so at least we got to fuck around which is like more than half of the fun of the movie i know well i also just love like getting to know new funny people because you know when i'm reclusive hiding from every danger i think exists in the world i don't get to encounter new people as much but it's just always so exciting

to be like oh my god so fun yeah when you let me ask you this because i do this when you're alone for a long chunk of time and you're alone but you're not alone you're with family but when you are alone at your house kind of like stuck at your house for a few days do you talk to yourself ever oh god yeah i do it so but i also sing a lot okay sing do you sing talk oh sure yeah any kind of like me and my friend my friend sarai also does that and so when we hang out we both are like singing like 90 the whole conversation is it song we're like cracking up move the car move the car yeah it becomes a big i think my wife loathes when i do shit like that because i'm annoying because i'm annoying with it i know i know i've gone over the point of when i should stop and to just keep riding the lightning until

she's like it's and that's enough maybe you should take a ninth trip to your family i sing to my dog a lot yeah i make up songs for her every single day. I know. I used to do a lot with my dog too. But they're so fun to sing to because they can't do anything about it

and they just have to sit and watch. And their faces are so funny. Yeah, they just sit and watch you do it. Look at her. Look at her. She hates wearing shit.

Put her in a Cubs jersey. She's fucking livid. That looks a lot like my dog. She was a rescue. We got her downtown. How do you know her mix? DNA player. You did it?

Yeah, I did the DNA thing. I kind of want to do it, Owen. Okay, I'll tell you my dog's name is Cubby. Cubster. After the Chicago Cubs. Yeah. And so... I'm like a little boy when I talk about animals.

How's your podcast going, by the way? You're on it. You're on it. You're on it. How was Bobby Lee live? Bobby was so fun. Bobby's one of my favorite people on earth. Do you guys hang out? Yeah, sometimes, but he's hard.

Bobby's in his own world. Bobby does what Bobby wants to do. Like what? Goes to Korean spas whoa whoa whoa he does i'm not saying that like off the cuff i like how quickly you got defensive on that well you went whoa whoa no he he loves video games yeah and he loves kicking it with uh his girl his girl yeah it's like so when that consumes your life what else is there you know does she play video games i think i think no way i think no chance she's like she's like, so when that consumes your life, what else is there? You know? Does she play video games? I think, I think no way.

I think no chance. She's like, she's like very cool. I want to tell you how appreciative I am that you did this for me. I know you're a busy woman and you've got a lot going on in your, in your personal, in your public life. And I'm so happy that you came to do my podcast with no roof. Thank you. there's no roof i know one day you'll be in a space that holds sound yeah but for now for now do your do your

hey do your i'm like we talked like of so much industry shop and then we like started talking about like weird like serious stuff people want to hear shit like that what will how else could it have gone we were fun absurdist comedy oh let's be weird yeah let's get weird how about how about how about you do your your typical sign off the way you sign off everything do that and then we'll end on that i don't have that come on chelsea you know what you're doing you sign up. Chelsea Pretty, thank you for coming. Goodbye. Thanks. The ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.