Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Chris Distefano

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Our sweetie pie from NYC is back on the show! It's always a blast with Chris Distefano. Just two buddies having a blast. Sit back and enjoy! #andrewsantino #chrisdistefano #whiskeyginger #podcast ================================================ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey GREEN CHEF Get our best deal of the year! $250 OFF YOUR ORDER https://greenchef.com/whiskey250 ROCKET MONEY Cancel unused subscriptions and save hundreds! http://rocketmoney/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome to the show. Hey, like the show, subscribe to it, share it to a friend, tell everyone you know what we got going on here at the Whiskey Ginger Show. My guest is Chris Destavano. Chris E.D. is on the show today. So funny. What a goofball. What a sweet little goofball. My little overindulgent boy. When he comes into town, we always eat way too much. He always gets pancakes for the table. Such a funny dude.

Go see him live. Go to christycomedy.com. You can see him. He's on the road. Me and Bobby Lee are doing a bunch of shows for the Bad Friends Tour. We're each doing stand-up and then bits from the show

and live participation stuff. It's a two-hour show of fun and chaos and madness. Come see us out on the road. We're going to be doing Salt Lake City, and then we're doing Reno. We're doing Niagara Falls and Windsor and Sacramento and Temecula, and then we end this whole jazz over there in Las Vegas, Nevada on 420. 420, man. Come see us.

Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com. Enough rambling. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey.

Whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is

excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth to Say the Frog. My guest I'm going to meet him once again today. Way too fast this time. It's Chris Distarado. Yeah, buddy. And look at this, dude. You're wearing green.

I'm wearing a little bit of green because we're Irish. We're fucking Irish. We're Irish, mate. We're Irish, and yeah, dude, Ireland, what a country. I just met, with 20 minutes ago, I got to see, it was in the same room as Natalie Portman. Let me tell you. Natalie Portman. Portman.

She is amazing, beautiful, weightless. I sat in the same chair as her and I almost I went out I did the Jimmy Kimmel show and I was I was gonna sniff the seat I was like

should I do this as a bit but then oh I'm sorry but then is that from sniffing the seat she got ya but then I realized that you know who's gonna see that

Jasmine yeah Jasmine is so mad getting Trubby Wubby what was you doing sniffing her seat were you like white bitches? For some reason, jazz comes off to me like Rosie Perez did in White Men Can't Jump.

That is jazz all the time. Jazzman all the time. Like when you come, she's like, what are you doing, Billy? Yeah. Come on, Chris. Stop playing around with me. Studying for Jeopardy. What would jazz be studying for?

In this version of you, it'd be White Men Can't Joke. Yes. And it would be you trying to get on Netflix. Yeah. And she's studying to get on what TV show? What is she trying to do? And she's studying to get on Wheel of Fortune. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, she's studying to get on Family Feud. She's like, I love Steve Harvey. You know I love the feud. You know I love the feud. She'll always say, Steve Harvey looks just like my father. And I'm like, your father was a small Puerto Rican man steve harvey's a giant black man but did they both have mustaches yep fair as fair they both fuck your mom dude i love steve harvey he let me tell you something watching family feud yeah if you go ahead and just put in youtube steve harvey family

feud reactions you will laugh harder than any special ever then And he goes like this. Man, you crazy for that one. That ain't going to be up there. No way. No how. Show me. Chinchbug. He is the fucking. Dude, he's so funny, man.

He gets. Would you ever do that shit? Oh, my God. Would you host a show like that? Yes. But then you're. Because you know once you're locked into that, that's a long road. Well, he says, too, when I was watching the other night, like the Def Comedy Jam

25th anniversary show and Steve Harvey, like everybody's talking, saying whatever, and Steve Harvey's like, I ain't fucking with my money. I ain't up here around all this cussing. I ain't messing with my money. So I ain't gonna say none. I'm gonna read the prompter. Cat Williams called him out. Okay, I have not listened to a

second of the Cat Williams, Shannon Sharpe. You're the only guy. I think it's got 90 million views on YouTube. I keep planning on listening, but I just haven't done it yet. Did you listen to the whole thing? Whole thing. And were you, like, stitches laughing? Mesmerized. It was amazing.

Were you laughing, though? Yeah, of course. I have points. But other stuff was just, like, wild to watch him just call out everybody. What's the wildest one he said? Because I'm off the internet completely. It's not wild in the sense of, like, shocking. He doesn't like Ricky Smiley. I'll tell you that my good god he doesn't like it he he was going

after cedric was going after steve i mean he kind of shot at everybody but saying what like they're hacks kevin hart really doesn't like kevin hart but what but what was he saying is the problem that he was having with them i mean he doesn't a very convoluted he almost kanye-esque in the way right it's like where he's like add all over the place calling everybody out for all sorts of stuff and he hates this guy for this reason and thinks he got in the way, right? It's like where he's like ADD all over the place, calling everybody out for all sorts of stuff. And he hates this guy for this reason and thinks he got in the business because of this. And he ain't even putting in the work and all this shit. And you're like, I don't know.

I feel like he's got a lot of personal gripes with people and that we would never even see like the true depth of it without getting both sides of the story. Right. But he does a lot of like, you know, he gets somewhat into like the Illuminati of Hollywood, like blessing people in, saying that like they make all black comics and entertainers wear dresses at some point in their career. I agree. Or try to.

And they should, by the way. And they should. If you want to be progressive in this business and you want to grow your career, you should be wearing a dress. We are going to wear a dress on the next show that we do. A hundred percent. I literally, that's what, I don't understand what people want. It's like, do you want to be, do you want to be inclusive? And do you like want to support the feminist movement?

That's right. Then get your black ass out there in a dress. Dude, it's such an insane, when they're like, they've tried to make us look like fools in dresses. Now, listen, the issue that black entertainers would have with Hollywood and the way that they're treated— Black people shouldn't be complaining about shit. Uh-oh. Imagine. Imagine.

What do they want? Slavery was 200 years ago. That's what you hear people say. It was 200 years ago. Yeah. People go nuts. Come on, man. That was so long ago. Yeah. People go nuts. Come on, man. That wasn't so long ago.

Yeah. Hey, I don't got nothing to do with it. That ain't me. It wasn't me. My family got here from Ireland. But the fact that they always tease about the dress thing is like, yeah, beyond like maybe black comics have always felt like taken advantage of by the business maybe. But the other side of it is is dude uh they make all comics wear

dresses we're fucking clowns yes they make us do the dumbest version of whatever the fuck the thing is whatever the thing is they're gonna go and then get this guy to look like the biggest fucking idiot yes that's oh so that's the thing is being a comic it's being you you signed up to do that they would never make a black actor wear a dress if he or she. And they should. Yeah. But I get it. I get it. But I got to listen to that. It's great.

I just think there's points like that where you're like, look, dude, the business is wonky and unfair and weird and creepy anyway. Trying to connect all these dots that aren't really there sometimes. You're like, no, man, we're just. Look. I know I'm not going to be Glenn Powell. Do you know what I mean? Like, what are we talking about?

How ripped it, could you, dude. So hot. So it's like, yeah, when they're like, hey, Santino, will you look goofy in this scene? It's like, that's what I'm for. Dude, that movie with Glenn Powell and Sidney Sweeney. I would let both of them at the same time shit in my mouth. I'm not interested in her at all. He's way hotter than her.

She's just a girl, dude. I heard that his girlfriend dumped her. He got dumped because of these Sidney Sweeney fucking... I mean, they're beautiful together. I joke, but my God,

are they both like... Those are kind of people that if you saw them in high school, man, you'd be so jealous of everything about them. Would I be the perfect person if I took Glenn Powell's

dick and abs and put it on Sidney Sweeney? Then I'd be the perfect woman. So her boobs with his dick and abs? Yep. Yummy, yummy in my tummy on Sidney Sweeney. Then I'd be a perfect woman. So her boobs with his dick and abs? Yep. Yummy, yummy in my tummy. Sidney Powell.

Glenn Sweeney sounds better. Yes. Glenn Sweeney kind of sounds like a porn star. Yes. Starring Glenn Sweeney. Glenn Sweeney. Remember Boing Boing Boing? Remember that?

Yeah. What was that? Or Schwing? Whatever happened to that? Schwing. Schwing. Man, whatever happened to those kind of phrases? I know.

We should bring them back. What's all the stuff that we said when we were a kid like that? Duh, duh Whatever happened to that? Schwing. Man, whatever happened to those kind of phrases? I know. We should bring them back. What's other stuff that we said when we were a kid like that? Duh, duh. I miss duh. Schwing. I mean, dude, there's so many things that kids just say now that were iconic movies from our childhood, like MILF.

Oh, yeah. MILF is us. MILF was from American Pie. Yep. All the ones from Sharded from Along Came Polly. I farted a little bit, shit came out. That's Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly.

Such a good, by the way, such a good scene. Oh, great. He was so good. What about Along Came Polly, the very first, second scene when he's, Philip Seymour's walking in

and he just slips on the floor? Dude, that scene, when he slips and falls on the dance floor, is so good. I know, it's like some people like fall on camera well.

He's a genius how he fell. He fell like a genius. So did he? Took his own feet out. It was incredible. But there is a map there, right? He's not just really eating it. Fuck no.

What you see, you see. You saw it. For real, he ate it on the floor. If I remember correctly, the shot is like a big wide shot. You see him fall down. You don't see him fall out of frame. You watch him hit the ground. Like you physically watch him hit the floor. It's brilliant, dude.

Dude, it is. That movie, Along Came Polly, I think is one of the most underrated comedies. It's funny from the beginning to the end. Yeah, it's such a good movie. Well, all those movies back then, and I think we're doing it now more in comedy. Comedy movies are trying to come back and be more goofy. I miss goofy.

I miss weirdo, goofy, weird. The Wedding Crashers, all those old schools. It's goofy shit. It's goofy, and that is coming back. Maybe you're in one of them. Goofy I miss Goofy I miss weirdo Goofy weird The wedding crashers All those old schools It's goofy shit It's goofy And that is coming back Maybe you're in one of them Maybe

Can't tell anyone No no When the movie comes out I hope people do find it To be fun and goofy It's stupid When's it coming out? March

March You gonna have a little premiere party? I don't know man I'm gonna be in New York Promoting And then the premiere is In New York Oh can I come?

No honestly you can't I don't want you You'll be my date Fine But you have to Man, I'm going to be in New York promoting, and then the premiere is in New York. Oh, can I come? No. Honestly, you can't. I don't want you. You'll be my date. Fine. But you have to wear a dress. I will wear a dress in blackface. You ready for this?

Yeah. I have this theory that Mike Cannon told me, our good friend Mike Cannon. He said what he believes is that when you die, so let's say it's me and you, if you die, you only died in my simulation, but you are actually going on and living in another simulation. So he thinks that that's what it is.

So you're not actually dead. But what about all the other people that I'm dead to? That they're just all died. If I die to you, I also die to my mom and my dad. What do you mean? But he said it's all part of your, it's all part of the simulation.

This like singular, like it's like. Yes. Yeah, it sounds like this guy's a little sociopathic. It's all about him. I know. It's all about me, my cannon. Mushrooms. No, I think I agree with some of that. I understand the idea that like we're all living.

The thing that I feel like is the most Sim thought to me is like, what this looks like to you looks totally different to me. But we both think... I think you see what I see because we can name things about it that look similar. Right. Like even the color blue might be... This blue is different. Yeah. It is blue to you and I because something is similar in the simulation, but I can tell that in your eyeballs doesn't look

the same to me. Right. I bet. I bet it all looks different. 100%. And then there's another theory, I've talked about this on the pods, where that we, what we actually are, is we are, this is a prison planet. We're enslaved.

We're in prison. Right. It's not aliens are up there or out there. It's they're in another dimension. They're right here, except they're in the fourth, fifth, sixth dimension. And we can't see them, but they could potentially see us and these reptilian beings. Hillary Clinton. Yes. They've kept our souls in this prison planet and they feed off our anxiety, depression, and negative emotions. And the ones who are really, really famous, like Barack Obama and Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber and people like this, they've made

deals with these reptilian beings where they said, you can feed off my soul for eternity, but... This is such insane loopy shit. You could feed off my soul for eternity, but every time I die, because time is happening all at once. The 1500s are happening as the 3000s are happening. Every time you put me back in the simulation in a prison planet,

I am famous and I have this glorified life. And that's the deal I make with you. But when we see the light at the end of our lives, that's all a trick by the 4D reptilian beings because they want your soul back in the system. And only the people can get are monks and trans.

You're still using mushrooms, huh? No, I haven't. This sounds like it. This is right from the depths of... I'm saying this is my canon. Oh, this is my canon on mushrooms, though. Yes. My canon is a mushroom.

Yeah. He's a little fun guy. I haven't eaten one thing today, Andrew. No food. I swear to God, not one goddamn thing. Well, we're going to go to dinner after this. You're going to get plumpy wumpy. Yeah, because last...

Because we're going to get Italian food. Yeah, because last night I fucking got there. Well, we're going to go to dinner after this. You're going to get plumpy wumpy. Yeah, because last- Because we're going to get Italian food. Yeah, because last night, I fucking got drunk and high. You talk about it. You went to Bill Maher and you got way too stoned. Way too stoned. And you were texting me nasty stuff. Yes, and the last 20 minutes of that show was defending January 6th for real. You were defending it.

Yes, for real. Yeah, you want to be able to do it again. To Bill Maher. And he was like, what do you mean by that? When you and I were there, you climbed faster than anybody I've ever seen before. The way you could scale a wall was impressive. That's how I hurt my Achilles. They were calling me Spider-Man.

And I go, and so I woke up this morning. I blacked out. I woke up this morning and I had Oreo brownie in my belly button. Wait, you blacked out last night? Yeah, dude. You seemed very with it. I was out of my fucking mind. I was treating you nasty.

Nasty. Things that are not okay. Not okay to say. If they saw, if somebody saw. We'll put up some of the text exchange right here in the middle of the screen so you guys can see all the stuff that he said.

That is not okay. Can you imagine if they crack open your text to your friendship circle and they put it out to the world? I'd be fucked. No, see,

I don't think you would be because we're all fucked up. I think everyone in this world says fucked up shit to their friends. We would all cancel each other out. No, we wouldn't even cancel.

Everyone would go, I guess we should just be nicer to everybody. Yeah. Yeah, instead of trying to fucking get mad at people for saying dumb shit because we all say dumb shit all the time. There's no way even the most cognizant, liberal-minded, fighting for the lesser than. I'm sure they say fucked up shit sometimes to their friends. Because we're human beings. Yeah, you have to. It's a part of it.

Otherwise, you're not present. How's your back? It's so much better. Last time I was here, your back was, you had a boobo. I'm going to physical therapy way more often. I also told my boyfriend to take it easy back there. My back is better, though. My herniation has subsided.

Okay. I still have a little bit of hip impingement, some pain, but I go to physical therapy all the time. It's been changed my life. Yeah. Literally changed my life. Are you working out again now, too? Three days a week. I can tell.

Well, sometimes four, but honestly, three. Four is like pushing it. Right. When I go the fourth day, I'm bummed that I'm there. Right. But I haven't had a little bit of booze because I'm slowing down because the holidays got me good. You were getting really sick. Have you ever felt your heartbeat in your hair?

You know what I mean by that? Yep. I did not like it. Yeah. We were just partying. Right. Partying, but it's so hard. And people know, huh?

A little rootin', tootin', footin', mootin'. I'm not bootin'. No nose beers for me. Okay. I keep it real straight and just glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick, glick. Nose beers. Do I put a couple pills in there once in a while? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I don't. That scares the shit out of me. Right. Pills scare me so much because everyone you know that ever did them died. Everyone that had fun with them died with them. Yeah.

I'd be getting fucking hammered out here, and then what I do is I go over to Dr. Drew's house and I let him light me up with some Ozempic. He got you the Oz? Yep. Well, I get hammered, and then he just fucking hits me go over to Dr. Drew's house and I let him light me up with some Ozempic. He got you the Oz? Yep. Well, I get the hammer, and then he just fucking gets it. What do we talk about Oz before the show? It's giving everyone weird cancer. That's when I'm hearing that, and diet sodas, and-

Well, I'm not going to stop drinking diet sodas. Things like that, and then something else called the V-A-C-C-I-N-E. I started making my own boosters. You did? Yeah, at the house. Yeah. Come over and get one. I want to come over and get one.

Come on over. Come on over, baby. You know what's so funny, though, is my neighbor, a guy who lives in my neighborhood, I should say, because neighbor always makes it sound like he lives next door. A guy who lives in my neighborhood went on, like, old guy. I see him sometimes. He went on a long rant.

He was like, you get boosted? And I was like, oh, yeah. You know, that's not, I don't, I talk to people about all that nonsense. He's like, why not? I don't know, man. He's like, you got to get all of them. I was like, well, they're not Pokemon, dude. You don't have to get all of them.

He's like, you got to get all the boosters. You should get whatever they come. I said, well, you know, I don't know. Do whatever you want to do. I don't have to get all of them he's like you gotta get all the boosters you should get whatever they come i said well you know i don't know you do whatever you want to do i don't really give a shit and he was like well you ought to do it and i you know they got good stuff in there and i was like how would they trick this old man i think the old guys would be the ones that are like wouldn't want to do it yeah yeah i mean well it's you know who it is fauci what is gonna happen with 2024 now i don't know what's gonna happen i don't know we're all gonna get sick again everyone's gonna get continually sick you think yeah we're just gonna keep getting sick we're getting sick we're gonna

keep getting sick i think that yeah in 2024 i kind of feel like you know because people are like oh who's gonna be the the president and all who's going to be the president and all that? Who is going to be the president and all that? I think the president is going to be Nikki Haley. The girl that smoked weed in the thing? Yep. What was that? Beetlejuice?

A live rendition of Beetlejuice? No. What play was she at? Oh, yeah, I don't remember. I don't even know actually who she is. That's the only other name I've heard. It's a name I know, yeah. Other than't remember. I don't even know actually who she is. That's the only other name I've heard other than Donnie T-Balls. And

Ronnie DeSantis. Yeah, but it seems like he's not doing well anymore. Ron DeSantis and I, we went axe-throwing one time. We were down in, I was down in Florida. We went axe-throwing together. Yeah, was it good? He hit a couple people. That was not good. He had to get out of Dodge. Whoops. Yeah, but he goes, Hey, man, no state income tax. And then, you know,

we got out of there. People are like, alright. I'm gonna have a... I want to party with those guys once. Those lunatics, but he goes, hey, man, no state income tax. And then, you know, we got out of there. People are like, all right. I'm going to have a- I want to party with those guys once. Those lunatics, I want to party with one time. What are we going to have at Ciccone's tonight? Chicken parm? Tonight at dinner, we're going to have chicken parmigiana, veal parmigiana. Going to have a little mama lasagna.

We're going to have, I want fried artichokes. Yeah? I want calamari. Yeah. Can we eat a lot? I didn't eat lunch. What did you have for breakfast? Hanks? Can I be honest with you? No, but I do love.

I had... I wanted to be skinny in front of this meeting I had, so I just had some... I had peanut butter and bananas on toast. On toast? A blue bottle. We had peanut butter, bananas on toast. And I say,

can I have a cappuccino, please? And he goes, small or big? I go, I'm pretty small. Yeah. What was the meeting? It was at Blue Bottle.

Oh, where was it? What was it? Yeah. Some TV stuff? Yeah, kind of, if I want to do some future development. Do you ever go into

these general meetings, like I went into one today and I'm like, I have fun, but I'm like, no no you guys don't care it depends on if i click with them if they're cool has it ever turned into anything for real no but i don't take generals anymore no you just won't i'll meet with people that i already have had business with or known before or met through somebody else right but like just a random general can't do it i don't know it's just kind of tough because it's like unless unless they're like, hey, we have a thing

that we definitely need to talk to you about. Right. Because otherwise it's like, I don't know. You don't want to do it. You know, no, I don't want another water. You asked me five times. I don't want a water. What do you think?

You're going to move to New York? I'd like to if you have room. You keep saying you want to. Yeah. I mean, this year I'm going to be there a lot. Well, let's talk about my self-sabotage and how much I fucked my life. Let's do it. You want to know how I fucked up?

Please. So I fucked up because we had this beautiful house in Staten Island where you're fucking welcome and everybody's welcome as long as you do one thing and one thing only, and that's have the American flag on your car. That's what it is. The toll for the bridge is $17.76. Is that really what it is, $17.76? That's what it'll always be.

And so we lived on Staten Island, which is like over a bridge, beautiful place. I had a great house at a 3.1% mortgage rate. So beautiful. 3.1. Yeah, little, little, little. What is it now? Seven and a half? Oh, yeah.

Yuck. So I said, hmm, I have a lot of peace. I have no chaos in my life. I have a low payment. I said, let's bring on the chaos. And I sold the house and then I moved my family from a five-bedroom house

with an in-ground pool and gave them everything everyone wanted and I moved them into a two-bedroom apartment with roaches. And I swear to God. Where are you now?

You're in Brooklyn? In Queens. Oh, Queens. And I said, you know what? This is going to be good. And then Jasmine was like, this is the stupidest thing we could have ever done. Where are you now? You're in Brooklyn? In Queens. Oh, Queens. And I said, you know what? This is going to be good. And then Jasmine was like, this is the stupidest thing we could have ever done. Why are we doing this? I was like, just trust me.

We've got this beautiful apartment, and we were living in a temporary apartment that wound up having roaches, and then we were going into this other apartment, and we were going to renovate it and all that stuff, and then that fell through. And now we're living in a rented house that's kind of like you know a nice house but it's like very old and i'm paying more in rent than i was for my mortgage to have half the house with no pool you're a fucking idiot a fucking idiot wait but you sold the house you sold the house fast because because so fast yeah like did you make any money any of the money that i made i went somewhere to the renovations and everybody like the guys from

like the neighborhood in staten island who like i see still, they were like, when we saw you sold that house for that price, we were like, what the fuck are you doing? And one of the guys, he goes, let me ask you a question. Be honest. Your real estate agent was a woman? I said, yeah. He goes, that's why. That's insane. He goes, she just wanted the quick sale.

Because you know, these women, they won't last. He goes, you fucking could have sold your house for 300 grand more. Yeah, and you're stupid. Yeah. And you're a stupid. And now the guy that's in there is a you-know-what. Hey. In here, we pour whiskey.

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Do you self-sabotage, you think? Or not as much? Sometimes, yeah, for sure. For sure. But it's like with this kind of stuff, my living situation for me is like, it's like, leave me alone. I want my little thing.

I want to live humbly. I don't need a fucking house in the hills. I don't need all that shit. I don't know. I don't care about any of that stuff. You live well within your means. Yeah,

it's just a regular house. It's a, you know, a beautiful house. It's a house. Right. And so, like,

I feel good about that. Like, I never, I never was chasing the bigger box. Didn't care about that. Oh, from the beginning, from when you were a house. Right. And so, like, I feel good about that. Like, I never was chasing the bigger box. Didn't care about that. Oh, from the beginning, from when you were a wee little lad. When I was a little lad back in Ireland, and I took the boat over, I said, one day, me's gonna get

a regular house. No, but... I just, because I never, I never pined for that. Like, living in a city, the city of excess, just like Manhattan, just like New York, I just, it was never like,

dude, I gotta get the biggest fucking house. Also, it's just her and I. What the fuck do we need, you know, like, nine, I know friends that have like an eight-bedroom house. There's two people. Yeah.

There's two, where the fuck, what are you doing? What about the guys that she wants to hang out? Where do they stay? Who? The other guys.

Oh, oh, oh, the other guys that my wife is fucking? They come and they go. Okay. They don't need a room. Hey, they come and then they go. And they go.

Hey. Yeah, because I've been- I just- No, I think- I got to get- Minimalist when it comes to that stuff. I clean out shit constantly. I give away a lot of stuff if I have-

How many pairs of sneaks you got? I have more golf shoes than regular shoes. I'll tell you that. I have so many golf shoes. Yeah? Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's like a, it's my little crack addiction. What do you think of these? I told you how much I love those. I looked at them last night. With a dress sock.

Those are really cute. I'm surprised you didn't wear your suit. I'm gonna have my foot out. You're taking your suit. Oh, okay. I have my foot out. Why didn't you wear your suit to this? You wore a suit on Kimmel and you didn't want to wear it for me? You know what it is? Because number one, I... Kimmel, Whiskey Ginger. Is that what's going on? I took the suit off because I didn't want to get hit in the face with your

boner. And again, and I, because we're going to do spots tonight, so I didn't want to be on stage in a suit. And I said yes to doing spots at the comedy store, but now I don't want to do it. Ah, do it. Who cares? Because I want to just eat and hang out and not have to worry about doing

anything. Well, you could bail, but I don't like bailing. I don't want to bail. You're going to come with me. I know, but you're a late ad, so it. Who cares? Because I want to just eat and hang out and not have to worry about doing anything. Well, you could bail, but I don't like bailing. I don't want to bail. You're going to come with me. I know, but you're a laid ad, so if you did bail, it doesn't... A lad. You're a lad. I don't give a... But you're a laid ad. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

So now this place that you got in Queens, are you going to stay there for a while? Well, we have a year lease, but my girl is obviously like, we had a fucking house with roots. What are we doing? I was like, let's go back to Staten Island. She was like, we had a fucking house with roots. What are we doing? I was like, let's go back to Staten Island. She was like, are you out of your fucking mind? Can't do it. I was like, for you, babe.

Well, the thing is with kids, I want to keep moving my kids' school. I cannot keep. My daughter has moved three schools in four years. What about, have you thought about some of the tunnels in Brooklyn from the synagogues? Yes. You could live down there. Well, that's what I think. There's a lot of room down there.

Oh, they filled them up already? Yes. And that's what I was saying. I was like, why did you not give me an opportunity to fucking not at least take a look and see if that's something that would be nice down there for us? It'd be kind of nice. Nice and cool. Hasidic Jews.

They have them in pretty much just New York and LA. Yeah. I've never seen a Hasidic Jew outside of New York or Los Angeles personally. This is or los angeles personally this is the spot a shoe like that yeah leave it really nice and relaxed do you yeah i i um i feel like um jewish people are uh-oh right no this is his kanye moment i feel like jewish people right now are you know they're know, they're getting beat up a little bit because the last thing you ever want to do is fuck with my army, the Palestinian army. You dropped out of Hamas years ago. Years ago.

But you were into, dude, I imagine like it's a band. I was into Hamas before all this hubbub was going on. I mean, I was a Hamas guy a long time before. Hamas, just another thing made by the United States. Just like ISIS. That's what people say. Well, you actually knew a couple ISIS cats. We used to have a bowling league, and we used to bowl with some ISIS cats.

Yeah, Jihadi John. Remember him? I knew him. He was a good friend. Jihadi John. Jihadi John was a good kid. Kid had a stroke on him, dude. I think he was 255 average.

Kid could roll a stone. You know I've never bowled in my life. Fuck you. Or played golf. Let's go bowling, you fuckhead. You want to play golf? Yeah. I love bowling.

I don't want to take you golfing. It's way too hard. Right. If you've never played, it's going to fuck you up. Bowling, any idiot can try and do. We'll get you bumpers anyway. Is even starting golf right now too late? I'm 39. If I've never

tried, it's going to be stupid. Never too late to start. Never too late to start, but that being said, it's going to frustrate you because you're a competitive guy. You're an athlete. So it's going to be hard on you because you're going to think, how come I'm not better than this? Because it takes so long to get good at golf, right? No, you have athletic ability. You'll get good fast, but

it's definitely a process. Right. Dude, it's really lame. It's stand-up. Once you find it, like you know you're good. But before that, you're like, how come I can't? How long have you been playing golf? For real, for real.

When I was a kid, I was taught, my dad taught me when I was a kid how to do it. And then we would go to a driving range once in a while. And then I played like, I don't know, not really. We weren't country club people, so I didn't have any money to go play golf. And municipal courses, you can only play on the weekends, obviously. So it's like we didn't play a lot, and then I was broke for so long. You still broke. Come on, girl.

I was broke for so long, I never could afford to do that. That was fucking nuts. So in my 30s, I kind of started up again, I would say. By the time I was 32, 33 is when I was like I could afford to go play. Golf is what you do now. Golf is your life. When you go on the road, you're looking for golf courses. You want to go to see as many golf courses as you can.

I like them. Yeah. Well, you know what it is if I'm being real? At this moment in my life as a 40-year-old man, for now, I like the peace it brings me. I like clearing my head. I don't think about much. I have fun with my friends. It actually is kind of a way to escape and not, the world doesn't exist.

You get to just go away for three and a half, four hours. Because you're deep in that course. Yeah, but you're just talking shit. You're having fun with friends. It's great to have a drink. It's great to have a good meal. Yeah, not you though. No more drinking.

Well, maybe. We'll see. No, I will be drinking. It's great to have a drink. It's great to have a good meal. Not you, though. No more drinking. Well, maybe. We'll see. No, I will be drinking. I'm just not drinking right now. How long do you think you'll go no drinking? Two more hours at dinner. I'm having wine. You might have one at Ciccone's? No, I can't, dude. I gotta be a good boy. No, I'll probably have one. At Ciccone's, for real? Yeah, I'll probably have one. Smoke a little crack?

Can you imagine? I'm like, dude, I'm not drinking for a while. Cut to me just smoking rocks. I'm smoking fucking crack. So you might have a little crack. Can you imagine? I'm like, dude, I'm not drinking for a while. Cut to me just smoking rocks. I'm smoking fucking crack. So you might have a drink at Ciccone's. Yeah, with you. All right, fine. But I don't want to force you to do it.

You don't have to do it. I just want you to eat pasta. Well, you know, I'm going to eat as much pasta as I can possibly because I'm a little fatty patty sometimes. Are you fatty now? You look good. No, I'm okay. But when I eat with you, you you and i get little fat boy syndrome when i was putting on my suit today um i'm staying at don de peda's house uh and he goes uh he was like when i was you know putting it on i had no shirt and he goes are you are you still uh working out

and i was like what he was like you're still working out and i was like and i'm like right before i'm about to go on kimmel i was like yeah he was like oh he's like it's the winter you know we just pack it on sometimes i was like was like, I felt good about my body. I wasn't thinking like, why? I didn't ask you. What was that about? I don't know. He's insecure about his body. That's what it is. Yeah, he's fat. Because he's a little fatty patty too. Is he fatty? He's not fatty, is he?

No, no, no. He's junky wonky. You never get fat. That's the thing about you. I've never been fat. I've been out of shape for sure. And I'm not in the best shape. I'm in okay shape now. But what does that mean to you, out of shape, if your body doesn't change in the mirror? Like, what is out of shape? Your breathing?

Because normally I breathe like this. And then when I'm out of shape, I breathe like this. Does Jazz snore at night, by the way? No. I do, though. Bad. Fucking she snores. My daughter sn No. I do, though. Bad. Fucking she snores. My daughter snores. My God, dude.

Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. What do you do? Well, I get the pillow thing. I get why people strangle people with pillows. Yeah. It's snoring.

That's what it's based on. Well, she should go get, they have these things called snore balls. You put them under your head, and it keeps your head pitch and eye, and they're called snore balls. Hey, I'm the only pair of balls in that bed that's going to get anywhere near her head. You understand what I mean? No, I told her we got to get her a different pillow so she changes her lie angle or whatever. Yeah.

Doesn't want to hear it. I teabagged Jazz the other day when she was sleeping. Get real. I didn't even tell her until now. Just dropped them off, and then I went and got an Uber. A little bit of Cosby tea? Yeah. Kaboom.

Bang. Do you guys, when you guys hook up, do you hook up in the morning or at night? If we're going to hook up, to be honest with you, because of the kids, we usually have to do it sometime in the mid, like late morning, early afternoon when they're all at school. Yeah. But a lot of times it's like, it's like, hey, like, you know, can we have sex tonight today? And she's like, it's Wednesday. You know, I don't have sex with you on Wednesdays.

Right. That's my day. Exactly. Yep. That's when she comes out to LA. So, yes, she comes out for the day. But we do it, if we're going to do it, we're doing it in the afternoon.

Which is, it's nice for us because we have the kids and we have to, you know, obviously be careful with kids. But when they're not there, it's like we're like teenagers. Like in the open house. That's so fun. Holy shit. Because you can't, you know, with the kids, like you can't. Most fun room outside of the bedroom to have sex?

Most fun, I like in the living room on the couch where everybody sits. Oh, right. So when your kids are watching a movie, they're just smiling. Yeah, we're just looking out. Comfy? When our family comes over, we're like, ha ha. Please, sit. Sit.

Yeah. What about you? Where do you like to have sex outside the bedroom? Outside the bedroom, I think the best room, I would say, I mean, I do like the living room. Like, that is kind of nice. But big backyard fan. You have outdoor sex?

Mm-hmm. Love, dude. My favorite. But can people see it, or you got the trees where they can't see in? Privacy. I mean, I'm flying a drone over most days that I'm outside, so I'm recording it myself. Right. Go to my OnlyFans right now, Backyard Bumpin'.

OnlyFans.com slash Backyard Bumpin'. Yes. That's my site. And it's pretty cheap. It's only $12.99 per month to join to watch me poke in the back. Yeah! Not bad. Better than Patreon.

No, we have protection where you can't see into our yard. I mean, one house could see. One neighbor could see. But he's cool. He's chill as fuck. He don't give a fuck. No, he's probably up there pulling on his he don't give a fuck no he's probably up there pulling on his pod would you care would you honestly care if he had film of you having sex with

your wife as long as he used it for just himself i wouldn't care you honestly wouldn't care if it's like this won't get out you'd be like fine he was like i've been capturing you yes but i was like just don't let it leak dude there's a lot of fucking perverts out there yeah in in i was in the mall that's such a fucking broad there's a lot of perverts out there I was in the mall. That's such a fucking broad play. There's a lot of perverts out there. Dude, I was in the mall and some guy. So first of all, let me tell this. So I had a friend who worked. He was like a NYPD sex crime cop.

Oh, wow. Dude, he would say, dude, he said, first of all, he was like, as a tourist, when you go to Rockefeller Center and you're wearing like you know like big jackets and stuff like that it goes like every day multiple times a day when he was working there i would have to walk up to a woman and take her out of the crowd with her family and let her know that a man ejaculated on the back of her jacket he said guys would just walk around and jerk off on the back of women's jackets. That is awful. It's so funny because it's insane.

People would just do that? Do that. And then he was like, you know, we'd have to catch them, arrest them. Cumcoats. Gotta get the cumcoats. But he's like, but then you know, there's no like date. Like, we can't do anything. Like, it's a crime, but we would have to let the woman know. But sometimes he was like, I feel bad. I'm like, letting these women know. How would they catch the guy?

They would like, they would have teams. So they would like look for it. Because he said, you would look. He said, what happened? He was like, I know who this is. Yeah. He said, you see a guy like in a big bubble jacket and you would know that you could tell like his arms weren't in his jacket, but he would put his arms in his pocket.

That is crazy. But he's really just jerking off. How can you jerk off to fully clothed people in traffic? It's all their, like, kind of forbidden thing. So they would do it. That's fucking weirdo shit, dude. Then he would have this guy. He said they had this guy.

They were watching him, whatever, and they were looking at him. It was like, this guy looks fucking weird. This is like in the summertime. They said, this guy looks weird. He's a walker. He's got these big boots on. And they were like, you know. And then he's like, you know, NYPD, we're always kind of watching. And like, we'll just track you. So he was tracking this guy looks like weird he's a walker he's got these big boots on and they were like you know and then they like he's like you know nypd like we're always kind of

watching and like we'll just track you it's like so i was tracking this guy through time screen i'm like what the he keeps like stopping at the intersection and then he like does something with his boots and he and he flicks these buttons and he like runs away and we're like what is he fucking doing so they couldn't figure out so like keep going watch and watch it and they found out he had cameras on on the tops of his shoes. And he would walk up to a girl. Up skirts. Up the skirt.

And he would click it. And he had all these pictures. So he said, we found this guy. We nailed him. He had thousands of pictures of women's vaginas. But he's like, but we can't match anything to the women. All right, whose vagina is this? Yeah.

Come claim your vagina. Then he said there was another guy who would run up and down 7th Avenue with like these little short booty shorts and would just finger his asshole all day and run up and down.

He said every time they would arrest him, the guy, like they would go to arrest him and he would pull his fingers out of his asshole and try to push them

on the cops. That's called doing the DeRosa. That's what that is. Doing the Joey D. And so he was like that guy, but he's like,

I was like, guys like that that you would arrest, would you just like laugh? He's like, I was like, guys like that that you would arrest, would you just like laugh? He's like, we actually like would look forward to arrest him because he'd be hilarious

in the back of the cop car. But he smelled like pure ass. Like he had his ass was open like and spread and dirty. He was like, it was disgusting. He goes and he would smear it all. Yeah.

He was like, that's just gross. But he's like, we have to deal with it. That's what they got to deal with all the time. That's what cops have to deal with all the time. Every day. Watching some guy run up seventh half fingering his butt. That's what cops have to deal with all the time. Every day. Watching some guy run up 7th Ave fingering his butt.

He's like, so you think I'm not going to one day then all of a sudden shoot an unarmed citizen? Of course I am. You know how much poop I've had smeared on my car? Wouldn't you? Chaconis! Wouldn't you do it? Wouldn't you do it? Yeah.

You know what I want to get too for Chaconis? I want to get a pizza for the table. Come on, man. You always do that. And that's when it gets hard. When you get for the tables. Because every time we have breakfast, you get pancakes for the table. But I didn't eat anything today.

But you think I look good. You don't think I look fat. No, you look very good. Did you do good on camel? To be honest, I think so. I felt like this is my second time they did it. And the second time I've done it, the first time I felt like I did a bit better, but today was still good. I feel like I was telling long, drawn-out stories today, and at the punchline would get a laugh, but not like a big laugh. How about the crowd?

The crowd was great. That's the problem. The crowd was so great, and that's all you kept hearing is this is the hottest crowd they've had all year. And then I went in and I was like, it felt like I put up a stinker. And Natalie Portman went before you then she got up because she didn't want

to be on camera with you sitting next to her so then she left. Why don't they do that? Why don't they have the guests sit next to each other anymore? I would have loved to talk to Natalie Portman.

Like the old days? Yeah. I think they don't do that because it's almost like why is the guest just sitting there watching you be interviewed again? It's also she's an A-list celebrity

why does she care I want to talk to me? And you're not even on the list. No. She's A-list you're I don't even see a list to me and you're not even on the list no she's A-list you're I don't even see a list on there I know nothing

I'm on Epstein's list no but I get it it's like they would do that if I was on there too same thing it's like they're like look she's got to go she doesn't want to be

sitting next to you unless we had met one time or done something together then maybe they'll probably sit there to chat it up with you yeah I love my boys they're like hey just FYI

she's divorced I'm like so you think that gives me a chance that's an in dude lean in so I'm like, so you think that gives me a chance? That's an in. Dude, lean in. So I'm like, what am I going to do? Introduce Natalie Portman to Jasmine and my children?

Like, why did you even text me that? My group chat is so dumb. Like, hey, we just read this article. She's divorced. Did she get divorced? Yeah. So I'm like, again, even if I was single, what is she going to, what am I going to say to her? What would you fucking even say to her? I would love it if her people reach out next week and are like, hey, she wasn't able to say hi to Chris, but she really loved watching him from backstage and was too shy to ask, but she kind of was interested in him.

Yeah, it would change her whole life. I would tell Jazz. Well, you'd tell Jazz you'd leave her and the kids. Yeah. You'd move back to the city. Mm-hmm. You'd be living in Manhattan. Yeah.

Living your good life. That's it. And you're married to Natalie the city. You'd be living in Manhattan. Yeah. Living your good life. That's it. And you're married to Natalie Portman. That's it. And I would say, hey, you know, I got some cash for you, jazzing the kids, but- And you'd have to convert. You'd have to convert to Judaism. To Judaism?

Because she wouldn't mess with you if you were playing this Christian card, pal. Well, I'm Muslim. Oh, you're Muslim again. I'm Muslim. You keep going back and forth. I know. I'd like to try them all. Well, joke's on you.

I put bacon in that seat. You did? back and forth. I know. I like to try them all. Well, joke's on you. I put bacon in that seat. You did? Yeah. Bacon. It's made of ham. That whole thing's made of ham. Right, because I'm Muslim. Can't eat bacon. And a Jewish can't eat bacon and cheese. Unless it's been blessed or some shit. Unless it's kosher, right? Bless us all.

No, no, no. They can't touch, right? Isn't that what it is? They can touch kids. They did in that tunnel. Dude, that's the Catholics. Oh, that's right. Nobody's better. Nobody does it better. Who fucking touched more kids than us?

Than the Catholics. Yeah, number one. Gotta be definitely nobody. Nobody. I'm going, you ready for this? Nobody does it better. I've been going back to church. Dude, this is funny you say this.

I thought about going back to church. Dude, this is funny you say this. I thought about going back to church. What is... So things like this happen in, like, the zeitgeist or whatever, where, like, people start doing... All of a sudden, is it because we're seeing a lot of... Patterns. I think we see the same patterns. Right. And in the patterns, we go, how can I fix this pattern?

Yeah, so I've been going. It's nice. What are you going to? What are you talking? Church. Catholic church. Which one? What are you talking? Church. Catholic church. Which one? What are we talking? Oh, St. Matthias. St. Matthias. You know who St. Matthias was? Was he a good

saint? What did he do? No, you know who St. Matthias was? St. Matthias was the apostle that stepped in when Judas killed himself. St. Matthias slid right in. He was the alternate apostle. So when Judas goes, I got it. Yeah. Matthias said, you know what? I'll step in. I'm a good guy.

And he was. St. Matty, St. Matthias. St. Matty was a good man. St. Matthias. Are you staying for long? The whole service? I stay for 50 minutes. I get the communion. And you know, like people go, I do that. I get on my knees like this. And then, yeah. So I do that. What if he put out a community?

Could you imagine it like that? Or could you imagine he put it out and I sucked his finger? I was like, um. Just once, I want to take the wine, the blood of Christ, and just pour it on my face in front of everybody. Yeah, I just fucking poured it all over my head. What would they do? They couldn't do anything. No, I'd tell you, go sit down. No. Please go sit down. You made a mess. Yeah, it just fucking poured it all over my head. What would they do? They couldn't do anything. No, I'd tell you to go sit down.

No. Please go sit down. You made a mess. Yeah, it doesn't matter. And then I remember one time I was in church. I was a little kid. And this woman came in late for church. She wanted to get the body and blood of Christ.

And she was like a little frail old lady walking one inch. And the priest was standing at the, at the altar, like waiting. And she was, it took her like 10 minutes to get to me. Could have easily just walked up and left his place and just given to him. He was like, no, you fucking crawl here. He doesn't move. You come to, this is body of Christ. You come to the body, baby.

Yeah. It's weird that they, I don't like, I never liked that phrase as a kid when I heard that. The body of Christ. Blood of Christ, body of Christ. When I was a kid, I guess. No, it's not. My dad has that wine at home. Yeah, I guess because when I was a kid, too, like, the crucifix,

like... I didn't like that. It was, like, naked, like, kind of bloody body. It would, like, gross me out, right? I never liked it. I wouldn't be able to, like, eat my lunch. It always felt, um, it always felt like it was supposed to scare me. That's what it always felt like it was supposed to be scary. It wasn't, but as a kid, I was like, that's... Supposed to be. That's interesting. It's, like, supposed to scare me. It always felt like it was supposed to be scary. It wasn't, but as a kid I was like,

that's supposed to make you think about the gloom of death and how you need to be a better Christian. I'm reading a book called The Case for Christ and I do believe in Christ now. What's the case? Who's on the case? I'm only about halfway through it.

That means you're less than halfway through. I'm getting into it. It's like you case. I'm only about halfway through it. Yeah. That means you're less than halfway through. Somebody goes, I'm getting into it. It's like you're five pages in. Well, I bought it at the airport yesterday. And that's what I mean. And I read the synopsis. And they're just saying that there's overwhelming evidence for Christ's existence and that his miracles.

So, sorry, bitch. I'm sure he was a real dude, bro. He was a real dude. I'm sure he was a real dude, bro. He was a real dude. I'm sure he was a real cat. I just choose to believe. You know what it is, Tresha? A lot of people existed. I'm sure he did.

It's meditation for me. It's like I'm not looking at my phone. I'm meditating. It's the only thing I can do. If I tell Jess, hey, I'm leaving. I'm going to church. It's the only thing. Well, she's like, you know, it's like, all right, I'll just stay here.

You go alone. Sometimes, yeah. You don't want to go with her and the kids. Well, I do, but my two-year-old. Because they don't speak Spanish. They're not going to understand a word that's coming out of his mouth. They're like, Iglesia. They don't know.

They feel, you know, my two-year-old is just too nuts right now to bring her to church. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's tough. Because then you can't really go to the church. She's not going to be running around and throwing Bibles at people. She's going to be running around putting her fingers in her ass like a bum on 7th Ave. And then, you know, I don't like, you know, she fucking... Come on, will ya? Then she yells, you know,

fucking, you know, she'll walk up to people and she'll go, you're on Epstein's list. She'll go, Epstein, Epstein. And so I don't like having her, you know, she's not... She yells at Epstein. That's because of you, though. Right. You think Jeffrey Epstein is still alive he is he's kicking around

yeah yeah no he's definitely kicking around there's no doubt he killed himself show us right now if if some billionaire was like i'll fly you two out there gonna give you real money to go do a private show we would both do it in a heartbeat and then even if he's epstein's island yeah or any island any billionaire's island i would go to right now and do the show with knowing in the back of my head that they probably molest kids, I would say, I don't care. Okay. Right? Hey.

Knowing full well. Yeah. Not surprised. You're not surprised. No. You're going there without surprise. If you make a billion dollars, there's an assumption that you probably, you know, had a fucking kid. Right? Do you think that? No. You're going there without surprise. If you make a billion dollars, there's an assumption that you probably, you know, had a fucking kid.

Right? Do you think that? No. A billion dollars? That's not even that much anymore. Yeah. Dude, I got a billion. Yes.

A billion. Yeah. You think every, well, what's that? This is like everybody says, do you think every billionaire is a bad person? No. Yeah. I think they're mostly good people. I mean, I don't know. There's this old assumption

that you had to get to a billion on the backs of somebody else somehow, so people assume that they're bad people. I think there's more good people who are billionaires, and I think the people who are the most amount of bad people are poor people.

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Yeah, you don't like that. Let me read you the list of billionaires. Let me see if American billionaires, because there's way more non-American. There's way more billionaires that aren't American. Steve Cohen is one. He's a great guy. LeBron James is a billionaire. Tiger Woods, Dr. Dre.

Elon Musk. What? Who's that? Jeff Bezos, Larry Ellison, Warren Buffett. Yeah. Larry? Who's that? Jeff Bezos. Larry Ellison. Warren Buffett. Yeah. Larry Ellison's an African-American gentleman. No, he's not.

Oh. Who was? Bill Gates. Michael Bloomberg. Bill Gates. Steve Ballmer from Microsoft. Okay. Sergey Brin from Google. Zuck.

The Zuck Dog. Charles Koch. The Koch Brothers. Uh-oh. Careful now, Montanto. Yeah. Jim Wal Coke, the Coke Brothers. Uh-oh. Careful now, Montanto. Jim Walton, Rob Walton, the Walmart Kids. Alice Walton, Walmart. Michael Dell from Dell Computers.

You know, I never knew that was a real guy. Me either. I know. I thought it was just a company name. I wish Microsoft was, his name was Mike Microsoft. Yeah. Mike Microsoft. Phil Knight, Nike, billionaire. $45 Mike Microsoft. Phil Knight, Nike billionaire.

$45 billion. For Phil Knight? That's what it says. Steve Cohen's on there, right? I don't like that. I don't see him. The Mars company, no Mars bars? Yeah.

Ken Griffin, just hedge funds. There's one guy that's just on here from just investing in hedge funds. A hedge fund guy, $35 billion. With a B. Yeah. With a B. What do you do with all all the money this is my thing about all this shit what are you going to do with all that because you could just take a billion and just put it in like and let it get you know interest and then just live off that like you can just do that yeah a billion dollars on interest i mean what are you going to get five percent or something like that no i don't think

it's that high it can't be that high well it depends if you put it like you know fucking in like cd or goldman sachs or something it's gonna be five all those guys are like big finance guys yeah yeah they know what they're doing yeah their money's making so much money give it away have some fun with it yeah right what are you doing with it i saw i read the story once where there were the two german two richest men in Germany. Careful now. Yep. And it's not who you think. It's not Adolf.

It was these German guys. They, one guy. We invented Legos. You're like, oh, wow. Yeah. One guy, he started to give his money away, like philanthropy, like just give it away. And he died almost penniless. He gave his kids some money, but he died almost penniless. He was happy to give it away. And he died almost penniless. His kids, he gave his kids some money,

but he died almost penniless. He was happy, like to give it away. And then the second richest guy who was like, you know, worth 500 million francs, he became the third richest guy. Some other guy came above him and only beat him by like $100,000 a year. And he killed himself with all that money. Because he's like, I'm not number

two. I cannot be live anymore. I cannot be live anymore. That's not good. I must kill myself. And Germans kill themselves so dramatically. They do. Germans and Japanese kill themselves so much. Axis powers. The Japanese kill themselves a lot

because their whole identity becomes their job. So when they retire, they feel like they have nothing else to live for, and then they sword. That's terrible. And they do a lot of the way, they still go old school samurai. They stab themselves in the abdomen with a machete. Oh, God. People in the ER must be like, oh, my God.

Again, we got to fucking get the sword out of this guy. I don't want to do this. You push on his chest, and I'm going to pull his arm. Yeah, you know how hard it is to pull a sword out of a human body with chopsticks? Just put a little bit of ginger on it when they're done? I'm using chopsticks tonight at Ciccone's. Imagine? I'm going to be like, give me chopsticks.

No, bring your own. I think we should start bringing our own chopsticks to places. Remember when I tried to use chopsticks eating ramen? Funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. We got you eating fucking ramen with chopsticks, and I never, I don't think I've laughed so hard. You couldn't get one noodle to stick. I couldn't get one. I started eating it with my hands.

Yeah, you're just scooping it in your mouth. I'm an asshole. Have you eaten ramen since then? No. You don't like ramen? No. Man, it's so good. You didn't eat it when you were in college or nothing like that?

No, nothing. I would always eat pizza and pasta. That's what I would do. Pizza and pasta. Like a red-blooded American man. I'd put pasta on my pizza. You think I'm eating some communist noodles? No thanks. Last I checked, if you're an enemy of the

United States, you're always an enemy of the United States. I don't even eat French fries. I eat freedom fries, baby. You know I'm eating freedom fries. America's number one. You think we're going to war? Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah.

You going to go? I'm going. I got my ticket. No, dude. We go to war. I'm going to Hawaii. I'm disappearing. If we do go to war, if the United States goes to war, I would drop into the war zone and

do comedy for the troops. Because I feel like such- I would do that. I don't feel like a man at all. And I feel like, well, how can I help at all? And I'd be like, keep these boys loose. And if I got a fluff, I got do that. I don't feel like a man at all. And I feel like, well, how can I help at all? And I keep these boys loose. And if I got a fluff, I got a fluff. I wouldn't.

While you're telling jokes. Yeah. I would 100% go perform for the troops. 100%. We should go. Let's go. Let's start another war. You heard it here.

Hey, come on, Biden. Start that war. Let's go. Start that war. Start bombing. I know. I would do it because I just feel like I gotta help this country somehow and I'm not doing enough

to help. You're taking away more than you're giving, that's for sure. Yes. You're definitely taking away from the country. Do you volunteer? You ever just volunteer? Like at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter or something? Yeah, I have in the past. The thing I like to do the most is like, I told you, we adopt the family over the holidays. We like to do that.

And give them things that they need and want. We adopt the family. Take my wife. Take, please, my wife. We'll adopt the family and we'll give them gifts and all that stuff and whatever they need for the holidays. What'd you do this year? Who'd you adopt?

Well, they don't know. You don't really know, unfortunately. Oh, it's like just a service. Yeah, you know that it's- Ew, get away from me. Yeah, I don't want you anywhere near me. But I'll send you gifts over there. No, they like it.

They don't want them to feel bad or guilty or weird, so they keep the people separate. Well, you know what? Which I understand, because they don't want this like... Yeah. And also, I don't need the attention from them. I know just doing the deed exists. So helping out a family, I don't care that they don't know who did it or put a name to the...

Or face the name. You know who you helped? My family this year. Did I really? We got the gifts. Did you really? Yeah. We got the gifts.

Jasmine, you know, Puerto Ricans got the gifts. Oh my God. And they knew, we knew that, I knew that it was you because the gifts you sent

was just the Red Rocket posters that you didn't sell out of. Well, those, well, they were signed at the very least. You guys could put those up on eBay. We got those.

We got those. We got a bunch of golf clubs. We got season two of the Lil Dicky show. Oh, Dave. Yeah, season two of Dave. Yeah, we got... They gave us... Somebody signed a mixology, some show.

They signed a portrait for mixology. And I was like, what the hell? And then Giles was like, do you think this is... Could this be... Is it... And I was like, I don't know why he would just say that. Totally random. I think it's accidental.

Yeah? Yeah, I think it's accidental Yeah Yeah I think it's totally accidental Yeah Are you going to do any more TV? You're not going to do anything like that I want to Oh you do? I will do it

I don't get Because the last thing you did Any pot The last thing you did Was tough Was tough on you Because you didn't want to be All the way over here

Filming something Yeah and then And I still You know I just want to say How much I love that show And Backyard Bar Wars La la how much I love that show. Backyard Bar Wars.

La, la, la. Yes, I love Backyard Bar Wars. Great people, great show. That's what it was called, right? That was what it was called. Yeah. But you did complain to me, not about the show, but about the fact that you're away from your family. You didn't like it.

So I want to do something, but in New York. Because I love doing the pods and all that and stand up. But I want to try to do something else now. So I'm trying. I got a show that I'm trying to create. And you know how this shit goes. Maybe it'll go. Maybe it won't.

But I'm trying. And that's what life's about. Control your output, not your outcome. Control your effort. Wow. You like that? And what about your input? What's being put in you?

Anything? Uh-huh. I think a little tortellini, if you know what I mean. Hey, we'll make a little tortellini tonight. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. No? Are you going to eat healthier? Can we eat like pigs. Hey, we'll make up tortellini tonight. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. No? Are you going to eat healthier? Can we eat like pigs? No, we can eat like big old stupid pigs.

I think that's kind of the move. And dessert. I got to get dessert and I want a coffee after dessert so I can clean house. Yeah. And then we're going to go to the comedy store. Then we'll tell a couple of jokes, I guess. Fuck comedy. I mean, you will.

Are you going to go up to the comedy store or are you just going to chill? I think I'm going to maybe just chill in the back and judge your shit. It was nice last night, too, because you went up and crushed. Don and Steve were talking about how much your new material is great. I got a lot of different new stuff. Because you just purged the old stuff and now you're excited about the new stuff. I'm having more fun. That's for sure.

I'm having way more fun than I did before. Because it was tough when you're starting out after you get rid of an hour and you're like, I got nothing. You have stuff. Did you feel like you couldn't even start writing your new hour until the old hour was taped and done? Kind of, yeah.

You feel like you just can't. You gotta purge it. I'm not good at that. I know people that already... Neil Brennan's ass, he had already a half an hour ready when the hour was being taped. Fucking nerd. Dork. Take some time off.

It fucks me up that people can do that like discipline he's great like justin like same way his discipline is unbelievable he's just got great discipline you know but also comedy is life right and for me comedy is my first love but i have other things that i enjoy doing too right so it's like for some people like taylor tomlinson for example yeah you know shout her out she's she she is a uh uh joke machine machine yeah yeah she's she's constantly going and to her credit it's because she focused solely on stand-up so much it was you know for me i was like i wish i could be that way but i know other things tickle my fancy right i like to do other stuff too it's just not to say I would be writing more. I'm just saying it's a lot easier when it's your main. Sam Morrell.

Right. Well, how are you going to? Sam Morrell, Norman. Yeah. These guys are fucking machines. They're so much stronger. Well, you're one of those guys. It's like how are you going to focus on stand-up,

but what those guys aren't doing that you are doing is you're also standing up for Ukraine, and they're not as much. You're going around spending a lot of time standing up for Ukraine, getting out there, putting up flags, putting out flyers, doing your part to aid in Ukraine. And that takes time away from stand-up. Every time I get a check in the mail residual from a TV show I did, send it over to Ukraine. Ukraine.

Why not care package? Care package. Here it is. Whatever they want. I add it up. Care package. Care package. In New York, what I've been doing is I've been taking down the Ukrainian flags and putting up the Palestinian ones.

Well, you've got to switch them out at some point. That's what you've got to do. Right. Only way to do it. Now, are they half-masked or they're fully up top? I go fully up top. I go all the way. For me, I go hard or go home.

So I've got Ukrainian flags, Palestinian flags out there. No American flags. No, no, no. Ew! American flags are gonna be like baseball cards they're gonna be worth something they're like dude

you have a fucking you have a 96 American flag whoa now when you were growing up did you have an American flag on your front lawn oh yeah yeah

we were big my grandfather used to fly an Irish flag at his house and then I think somebody told him one time that if it's on a flagpole the American flag has to be above the Irish right but if it somebody told him one time that if it's on a flagpole, the American flag

has to be above the others. Right. But if it's not on a flagpole, if it's on like, if it's just displayed, you can display other countries' flags. But on a flagpole, it has to be American at the very top. Yeah. Do you see less and less American flags now? Now you see a lot of American.

Lose the L. Yeah, you don't see him as much anymore. I'm going to get my special taken away right away. Yeah, come on. Come on. Everything we're saying is a joke. Relax. Hey, I might have a special coming out on Shmulu.

Shh, don't say it. Don't give it away. Well, no, it's not Hulu. It's Shmulu. It's Shmulu. I'm doing it live from the tunnels under the synagogue in Brooklyn. Shmulu. Live from under the tunnels in the synagogues in Brooklyn. It's Shmulu. It's the, from the, I'm doing it live from the tunnels under the synagogue in Brooklyn. Shmulu. Live from under the tunnels in the synagogues in Brooklyn.

It's Shmulu. Shmulu. Shmulu to be. Dude, that would be so much fun to do a special like that, though. That would be really fucking sick. To do it, yeah. You're like, Chris Rock did three different venues. DeStefano did three different tunnels.

Is anybody in here, in here, in here, in here, in here? I want to do a special from like my, like, it'd be fun to do like. Well, Bamford did one from her living room. Did you ever see that? In front of her mom and dad? Maria Bamford? I'm almost positive she did. Really?

Didn't she do that? Am I crazy? And like, Phil, and that was her special. For real. Yeah. That's an awesome idea. Wait, wait. Now I'm like, am I, I think it was her special, for real. Yeah. That's an awesome idea. Wait, wait. Now I'm like, am I?

I think it was her special from. That's an amazing idea. Wait, Living Room. I have to find out because I'm like, live from her parents' living room. Yeah, it was Bamford. In 2020. And it was just her and her two parents. And she did an hour.

Oh, what am I saying? Not 2020. No, it was a long time ago. 2012. Sorry about that. Maria Bamford's new special where her parents are the only audience members is available now. Yeah, she just did it literally for my parents and it's just

them two. Does she live out here, Maria Bamford? I don't know. She's a great comic. Did you ever meet her? Fucking genius. No. I never met her either. Maybe I have, but in one of those moments where you're like, hey, hi, hi. I think I probably met her at like Montreal Comedy Festival, but I like... But that whole time I'm like Putin! I want to go to Montreal

If you go to Montreal this year I'm gone I haven't been in a long time and I don't think I'm ever going to go back But if I went you'd go No What? No because you know I don't know Take your wife It's nice

Take your wife How about that? Take my wife Please I don't know I don't know if I Please. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever... I don't know about festivals. I just feel like... You gonna do this Netflix one out here

in LA? No. No. I'm not a part of it. They told me they didn't want me. They very loudly said, we don't want you here. No whites. Go home. Go back to your country club. Yeah, go back to your country club. Club. Go back to where you belong Yeah, go back to your country club Club They go back to where you belong, pal

Jersey Mike's Oh So I went and had a sub above Dude, I love Jersey Mike's, but I also love Quiznos A lot of people don't talk about Quiznos enough They toast the sub I like Quiznos, but I think I'm more of a potbelly guy Which I don't know if you even have those

They have them in New York, but I almost never go in Man, I love me a good potbelly Remember Blimpies? Loved, used to love Blimpies? Loved. Rest in peace. I love Blimpies. You guys have firehouse subs? Yes, but not really.

It's in Long Island, not in the city. I know, but all the money goes to firefighters, so you should do it. Does it? Something like that. It goes like a percentage of them goes to firefighters. I love the firefighters. Yeah. I love the FDNY, the NYPD, the DSNY, the Port Authority Police.

You all got my vote. The Port Authority. Those are my guys. Yeah. That's what I, the DSNY, the Port Authority Police. You all got my vote. The Port Authority. Those are my guys. Yeah. That's what I would want to be is a Port Authority cop. Port Authority cop, yeah. Kind of easy, right? Yeah, I mean, you just like-

Stare at cars coming in and out? Cars or like you're on the train or on the bus making sure- Does anything really happen? Do they have to do anything ever? I'm sure they do, but I don't know what they would have to do. I guess, yeah, I mean, well, they protect the tunnels, which they didn't do a good job in the synagogues. Imagine there's a Port Authority guy who's like,

you were on the tunnels. He's like, I know, my apologies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, these fucking guys, they're slippery, these fucking Jews. Fall asleep at the wheel. That would be the Port Authority guy. Yeah, dude, they had a, did you see the, they had the camera on, like, the hole, and then a Jewish guy, like, dude. They had a... Did you see the camera on the hole?

And then a Jewish guy came out. Came out of the grate. And he tried to push the camera away and he just ran away. It was fucking dope. I liked that they rioted and shit. I thought that was hilarious. That was fucking great. Have you ever been to that part of Williamsburg?

Only once. Only once did I ever go. It's crazy. Yeah. Well, I went one time with a friend. We were going somewhere else. We were walking Greenpoint, right? Well, that where, where like the Williamsburg, like, you know, when you hear of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, you think like trendy, like, you know, cafe and it is, but the part of

Williamsburg, that is where that synagogue was like that the Hasidic Jews is like for a, I think it's like a 20 block radius. it is only Hasidic Jewish people, only Hasidic. And what will happen is, is you'll like, in certain times of the day, like with traffic, if Hasidic Jewish people will just go out and stand on the corner, and then other Hasidic Jewish cars, they don't know each other, will just stop and you get in their car. They all like do that, or like school buses, like will stop, and Hasidic Jewish people just get on and off the bus, but they just stand on the corner and wait to school buses will stop and Hasidic Jewish people just get on and off the bus, but they just stand on the corner and wait

to be picked up by other Hasidic Jewish people. Where are they going? Somewhere else. The tunnels. I don't know where they're going, but it's a crazy part of Brooklyn that a lot of people don't ever see. I used to drive through it for college or whatever just being around New York, but it's like

literally everywhere you look, there's nothing's even in English. Everything's in Hebrew. And you can't be over there. And you couldn't rent a place there if you tried. They don't. They would never let you in. Never. And then all the apartments, because they have so many children, all the apartments

have big cages on the outside. They put their kids in cages? Yeah. See, you think it's just fucking, you know, you think it's just down on the border? No, because people, like kids, like so so many instances of kids on the balconies would fall over, fall out, and die. So they're all enclosed. Holy shit. They have that many kids falling out of windows?

Yeah, because they have so many children. I thought that was just Clapton. Yeah, I know. Sad. Eric Clapton. Sorry about that. They have, because these kids you know like tears in heaven would you know

my name if I saw you in heaven beautiful voice would you be the same that's how Clapton kind of sounds

yeah if I saw you in heaven is he still with us Eric Clapton I think he's dead I don't know you know these are the kind of guys I don. If I saw you in heaven. Is he still with us, Eric Clapton? I think he's dead. I don't know. You know, these are the kind of guys I don't know if they're gone or not.

Omega Clap. Hello, is everybody... Like, honestly... Omega Clap. Omega Clap. Is Clapton dead? Yeah, he's dead. He's gotta be dead, because he's one of those guys I wanted to see.

He's alive. Whoa, there you go. You know what it is? Is, uh... Yeah, no, he's alive, and he's kicking it. He's still in England. He's in Ripley in the UK. Hello, my name's Everett Clapton.

Thank you. That song wouldn't have worked with a British accent. No. If he was like, if I saw you in heaven, would you know my name? Oi, if I fucking saw your ass. If I fucking saw your arse in heaven. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, your arse. Your arse in heaven.

Your arse in heaven. Let me say this. What? No. Go ahead. All right, go. I was going to ask you something else. Go ahead.

No, no, go. I don't have anything to say. You already heard it out? You already heard it? So do it. Fuck, marry, kill. Ready for this? FMK.

Fuck, marryry, Kill. Ready for this? FMK. Fuck, Marry, Kill. Sam Bankman Freed. Kill. From FTX. Kill. What? The way I play is you say a name, I say it already. I have to go on instinct.

That's from FTX. Sam Bankman Freed. Yeah. Kill. Kill. Okay, so you've lost your kill. Sammy Davis Jr. Kill. Okay, so you've lost your kill. Sammy Davis Jr. Fuck.

Okay. Sam, Samantha, Suzanne Summers. Mary. See how that worked out? Yeah. All right, I'll do fuck, marry, kill with you. Ready? Yeah.

And I have to say it right away. Yeah, you do. Okay. Prince Andrew. Mary. Andrew, you do. Okay. Prince Andrew. Mary. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Kill. And.

Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd. Fuck. There it is, dude. You got to fuck Christopher Lloyd, my friend. And you got to marry Prince Andrew. I want to be a little royalty. I want to be royalty.

You think you fuck kids on F? All right. Yeah. What are you saying that? YouTube's going to kill us now. Oh, really? Get it out. When you say F kids on YouTube.

Jeff. Joe, get it out. Jeff, Joe, get it out. Joe, get it out. Joe, get it out. Jeff, Joe. I'm hungry. I want to go eat my food. But we don't got our resins until 6, 7, 45. Joe, get it out. Jeff, Joe, get it out. Jeff, Joe. I'm hungry. I want to go eat my food.

But we don't got our resins until 6, 745. You made it so late. Can we go early? Yeah, we can go early. We can go early, right? You know the people in there like that? Because you told me 745. Yeah, but it's going to take us a long time to get over there.

You know that, right? It's in West Hollywood. How far is that? Three and a half hours away. Oh, come on. No, no. We're going to go early. I just made it that time just in case, but they'll let us in.

Oh, but it is far from... We'll take a minute to get over there. Yeah, it'll take 30 minutes. 30 minutes. It's easy. Yeah, but there's no way they won't let us in there early. They have to. Especially if I'm with you.

Is it going to be packed? It'll be bumping. Yeah? It'll be bumping. They've got a Cicconi's in New York, in Brooklyn. Is it bad? No, it's good. And then I went to a Cicconi's in New York, in Brooklyn. Is it bad? No, it's good. And then I went to a Cicconi's in England at the Soho House.

Well, well, well. Yeah, good pizza. Good right-o pizza. Right-o. Well, chaps, would you like a pizza? Right-o. Let's go eat. I love you.

Okay. Go watch Christopher on tour. You know he's out and about. Go to christycomedy.com. He is in every single city around this country. Although I might be off the road by the time this comes out. When is this coming out? When's your last show?

February 8th at the Grand— February 9th at the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno, Nevada. I have February 2nd. I have— I'm in the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. February 3rd, Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. Love Warner, yeah. And then February 9th, Grand Sierra Resort in Reno, Nevada.

And then I'm going to film my special in Atlanta, but I don't know when. Well, we'll make sure that it comes out before February 8th. I. Okay. I. Actually, you know what? How about this? How about this?

This episode will come out on February 2nd. How do you like that? So I'm in Nashville. So go to Nashville. Go to Nashville. I'm here. Go see the young lad. We end the show the same way.

I love you so much. Looking at that camera and with one word or one phrase whenever you're ready, go ahead. Epstein's innocent. In here, we pour whisk,

whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.