Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Dan Cummins

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

Santino sits down with Timesuck Podcast's own, Dan Cummins to chat about his new found interest in pony play, Albert Fish's obsession with putting sewing needles in his nifkin, doomsday peppers in rural Utah like sycophant Hal Lindsey and shitting on a windshield during the apocalypse. SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS!!! MANSCAPED Use the BEST tools for your Tool. Clean ya peen hair! Go to https://www.manscaped.com and enter promo WHISKEY for %20 off Check out the Timesuck Podcast: https://www.timesuckpodcast.com For all things CHEETO: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ ALL STANDUP DATES ARE CHANGING AS WE SPEAK AND GET THROUGH THIS THING. Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Buy Merch: https://shop-andrew-santino.myshopify.com Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ & https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome to the show. If this is your first time joining us, thank you for joining us during this terrible time. I hope we can bring some comedy and some fun and some chit-chat laughter to take you away from all the nonsense that's going on right now. All my tour dates are being rescheduled and moved around, so if you're looking for the Red Rocket Tour at andrewsantino.com, we're working on it, I promise. It's going to get rescheduled, going to get redone. On the website, if you want to go check out the Patreon is on there. Our merch page is on there. And we're going to be updating stuff as we go. When I know, you'll know. I'm sorry, it's not easy, but we're all going to get through it and we're going to reschedule everything. And hopefully we'll be able to reconvene our lives

when we can get through this thing. Enough of my rambling on. If you want to know anything else, go to Cheeto Santino on Instagram and Twitter and all that stuff. And Andrew Santino.com should have everything you need about the Cheeto. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey,

whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it. Once again, today is Mr. Dan Cummins. Yo! Hello. Thanks for social distancing me in there.

I appreciate it. Dude, I appreciate it. I wish you could be here with me. Cheers, by the way. Cheers. I don't know if you're drinking. I am. Yeah, there you go.

What's in there? This is, you know, normally I'm not a Jack Daniels guy, but I had a gift. The last show I did, it's kind of sad now. It shows the uh little custom thing they did last show before the before the stop down they put a little logo some distributor i guess but uh it's um single barrel select yeah just jack daniels usually i like bullet rye just for basic stuff right now i like i like bullet too bullets all right this is

this is buffalo trace inside here i'm actually having an irish coffee i like i like bullet too bullets all right this is this is buffalo trace inside here i'm actually having an irish coffee i love i probably uh drink now that the quarantine has happened i'm drinking probably like five more cups of coffee a day than i have and then i should yeah but i i don't care i want to i want to fucking rev all day if i'm going to be living in this nightmare i might as well be amped for it you know what i mean yeah so now so right now i've been doing uh i've been putting buffalo trace in my coffee around this time of day so I can have like a little pick me up in the middle of the day. Oh, that's great. I've been, I've been trying to, I was going so hard on the caffeine before all this went down. I've been trying to ease

back on the caffeine, but I've been going hard on the weed where usually I'm always like, I can't do too many gummies cause I got to take the kids to school the next morning or whatever. But now in this world, it's like, nah, fuck it. Whatever. You know, just, uh, do that's something, uh, I want to talk to you about so many different things in my mind is racing right now. Let me introduce in a more proper fashion. You are a phenomenal standup, standup comic. Uh, you have an incredible podcast called time suck. You're kind of a, um, I don't want to say veteran in the comedy world, but like you're, you're an OG, right? Is that a good way? You're like, this is your, yeah,

you have, this is about almost 20 years. That's great, man. Yeah. And you, you, uh, left Los Angeles. You got out of here and you moved to Coeur d'Alene, right? Yep. Yep. Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. You wanted to get out of, get out of the bullshit and get away from all this nonsense. Yeah. And some of it was family. I mean, I wish it was 100%. I mean, some of it was just a kid situation. I got two kids with my ex-wife. They were coming down back and forth the whole time I was in L.A.

between Spokane, Washington, which is right across the border from Coeur d'Alene, and then L.A., and it was just too hard on them. I mean, we were doing it every month, go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and they liked LA, but, but, uh, and part of it was, they were kind of liking it so much that there was, you know, they might want to like live down there all the time. I didn't want to kind of like do that to them with their social stuff. And I wasn't doing LA things. Like I had this job at playboy that I knew I was going to be done with. It was just a money grab. And I wasn't, when I first went down there, I, I was supposed to acting classes and I, and I just didn't because I just didn't want to.

And all the things that LA is really good for, I wasn't doing anyway. Like I wasn't hanging out at the store. I wasn't doing that. I was just kind of like a hermit anyway. So I'm like, why? I'm not taking advantage of anything here. Why am I doing this?

And so it just made sense to kind of, and then ironically, it helps so much because the podcast to get everything kind of going the way I've built it, there was no way I could have done it in LA because I would have been stretched too thin running around doing, you know, driving around, stuck in traffic, all those things. It allowed me just to kind of focus on only one thing. So it worked out by accident. Yeah, but that's a good accident, man. A lot of us are struggling with, uh, look, LA is a great, I've been here for long enough now that I know better. It's like, you know, when people complain about being here, it's like, well, then get out.

But you just can't complain anymore once you've lived here long enough. You're like, if you still hate it, it's your fault. No one's making you stay. So I like it just fine, but I do admire people that are able to get away. I mean, because you do so much acting and you're a great actor where it's like you can't you have to be there to be on set you have it totally it totally makes sense for your career well the goal for me though is to is hopefully i can make enough money uh doing acting shit yeah that i can move and then do comedy from wherever the fuck i want yeah that's my ultimate goal i mean like i just want to make

a ton of money and then disappear and then just do comedy from there. Wouldn't you still act? Because I know, like, once you get established to a certain degree, and I'm kind of talking out of my ass here because I'm not an actor, but just from hearing from other people, like, you've enough casting directors and things like know who you are, where at some point you could just, I mean, do put your stuff on tape from wherever and just fly out to L.A. if you were taping, right? Yeah, kind of. I mean, I feel like but it it also, like I look at it at the perspective of like,

dude, I'm not the fucking, I'm not the guy that they're thinking about when they write the handsome boyfriend. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, they're never like the handsome redheaded man sauntered in the room. You know what I mean? So I always have perspective over the fact that it's like, I feel like I'm a, I'm a, I'm a girl that works the pool in Vegas. You know, like I'm good from 18 to 24. And then after that, they're like, we got a new batch coming in. You got to get the fuck out of here. So I feel like at some point I'm going to hit that moment of like, we're good for a while.

You know what I mean? So I think like acting has always been a thing I like. Yeah. But stand up is what I love. Comedy is what I love. So I like acting. It's great. But also-up is what I love. Comedy is what I love. Okay. So I like acting. It's great. But also, you have zero control.

Right. You have zero fucking, at least with comedy, it's all my control. I have nothing but control. So that's just the difference. Well, now with podcasting, I mean, with this, I mean, similar, but where it's like, I have another one, too, that I do with my wife. It's non-comedy. It's like a horror one, but it's getting its own little following, which is nice. And then you have that one with, you know,

Bobby Lee, which is doing really well. It's like, so how nice is that to live in this world where, I mean, you have those options where acting, standup, podcasting, any of the three are legitimate careers. And, and. Yeah, no, it's, I, I, dude, I'm very thankful of all that shit. I mean, like, as are you, I look, I listen to your show. I think what you put together is phenomenal. And I just think that, like, you found a great— Is it niche or niche? I can't—it's annoying that I'm going to say it wrong. I think it's both.

People, no matter which way you say it, they're going to say you said it the wrong way. You found a good niche. You found a good niche. And it's just so great to see you delve deep into a million different topics because it's way, you're much more of an intellectual approach to podcasting. Let's put it that way. I'm a, me and Bob are just dick and fart goofball idiots. You at least divulge information, which I think is like, it's, it's great. It's like, you're like almost like a, it's like a learning podcast, like a learning comedy.

You know, it's, well, I had one of those things where, uh, yeah. And thank you. Um, it is just nice that I get like technology wise that there is a space for me to do what I, what I love the most, which didn't exist, you know, 15, 20 years ago where I was actually the weird kid who loves school. I loved research papers. Like I loved, like, I just, I do love to learn. Always had, you know, like, like uh when I was in school and uh

you know college my when I was in college my goal was just to figure out how do I stay in college forever you know I just I loved it I love the social aspect I love the drinking I love the learning and then time suck has kind of become all of that where when I started doing it I did think for this project as opposed to thoughts in the past of like what would sell or what would have what is my agent or manager telling me i should kind of do i listened to those voices way too much for a long time and then with this one it was just yeah but but if i could do a dream job and just get paid for it in a magical world what would it be i just love learning weird shit like i love digging into the internet and being like what's this dude about what's the story about

and finding out more. And luckily I found an audience because it is so fun to do. Like, and it has like unexpected rewards. Like we do a lot of history, do a lot of true, true crime. We have topics to get voted in now for time suck. Like the Patreon people can vote. And they voted in a topic that at first I was super annoyed. It was like the first like joke topic just to fuck with me.

They voted in and it was squirting. It was female ejaculation. And I'm like, I can't fucking talk about squirting for two hours. And you did, by the way. Somehow you did. I did. Well, I beefed it up into a sex topic in general. And it was fascinating this past week to dig into all these Kinsey stats and all these like, like what kinds of sex are people having? Why do people like kink find out the parts of the brain where it releases dopamine when you're trying weird shit. I got into a weird deep dive on fucking pony play, which I'm like, what is, how is this world out there? And how did I not know about how deep it went? Hey man, I think it's totally normal. Okay. I don't want you to judge because maybe I'm a pony

play guy, dude. You don't know. You know what what i mean i'm waiting for the emails i went a little hard on the pony players and and i and i did yeah i did take an attitude of like look i i don't care if you're pony playing your ass off in your bedroom you want to fucking put your wife in a pony costume or your husband or whatever and you want to put a saddle on them and you want to fucking ride them around the room i really don't care but when you are when you're walking your pony person in the park and i'm there yeah and then you catch me kind of smirking now i'm the dick is like no no no no no you've you've put your weird pony world into me you're pushing you're trying to force me to normalize it

and i can't like my brain right like fine not hurting anybody but it's funny to me but but don't push it it's kind of like uh when somebody pulls up next to you and they're listening to whatever kind of music doesn't really matter and it's blaring right and you're like dude i'm glad you like it yeah why do i need to hear it exactly exactly what like i i don't care that you like it but i don't need to hear that shit blaring out the fucking windows a block down the street like i never understood them just roll up your fucking windows turn on the ac right enjoy it yeah enjoy it on your own this brings me to a very interesting point i don't know if whether or not you want to talk about it but the kink stuff yeah um i got into a long conversation about sexual uh the sexual proclivities and and those that are in the public eye because i asked

my parents right about the C.K. thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you watch his special? Did you watch it? Wait, is there a brand new one? No. He just put one out. Nope, nope, I haven't seen it.

Two days ago, maybe? Oh, no, shit, I haven't seen it, yeah. So I watched it. Okay. And, you know, he talks a little bit about what happened at the very end of it. I don't want to give any spoilers. Sure, sure.

I don't want to do anything, but I talked to my parents about it because they were like, what did you do? I'm like, last night I watched the Louis C of it. I don't want to give any spoilers. I don't want to do anything, but, but, but I talked to my parents about it. Cause they were like, what did you do? I'm like, last night I watched the Louis CK special and, and I had to kind of inform my parents about all of that stuff, about what happened. And then we got into this long conversation about people's private lives become public when they're famous. And my mom, my mom was like, you just have to be prepared for your kink to be out if you're famous. And I was like, well, it's not, I don't think it's fair, but I get what she was saying is like, that's just like a part of, there's a higher chance that his shit's going to get out. Even if it's, you know, completely normalized, it's still going

to get out more so than the guy in tuscaloosa alabama who who likes punching pigs when he fucks you know what i mean like what like yeah yeah like whatever it is it's just like you're it's bound to get out um no i know you haven't seen it i'm bummed i wish you saw because it's well i think i would love to know your opinion i think i know i heard talking to other comics i didn't get to see him uh doing the act on the road but i talked to a lot of comics who saw the act he was doing. And so I'm familiar – I'm assuming with what he recorded, like the gist of it, and I know the history of what happened. And I'm one of those people that's like – I did think the public reaction to – and I might be the minority here – to part of what he did was an overreaction.

I understand on the writing staffs, it's a power thing. Like if you're above somebody as a boss and they feel career pressure to, to make you happy, that part's not cool. The, the, the power thing is not even close to cool, you know? Right. But as far as having the kink of like, Hey, I like to do this thing, you know, or, you know, you shouldn't, you shouldn't force it on people. It's like exhibitionism. You know, you can't just, um, like, I get that that's your thing to be kinky and to like flash or whatever like that. But if, but if you're flashing somebody who doesn't want to be flashed, now you're committing a crime. Now, now this is like, you've gone too far. Like with his thing. But the irony with that thing was he asked them for the cases that I know. Right. He asked their permission.

But right, you're dancing. I said to my dad, I was like, you're dipping your pen in the company ink is the problem. If it was just girls that weren't in the writing position or comics or if it was just regular women, I don't think this would have gone that way. And it shouldn't have. Civilians or whatever. Well, in industry, whatever. Like if it's somebody who's a peer, that to me, it's like, what, you can't ask now about like, what are you supposed to do? That's the best thing you're supposed to do is ask.

And I know somebody who when the story broke, she was at the Montreal Comedy Festival years ago and she didn't have a problem with this at all. Just to preface this. And I think what he did was for what it was the polite thing to do. Some people would think it was weird. I think it was the right call. They were having drinks at a bar. She's about the same age as him. They were talking business, but neither one worked for the other.

So I don't think there was any moral qualms with this. And then she just said that out of nowhere, in the conversation, they were having drinks or whatever. Very polite. Then the conversation, then we're having drinks or whatever. He very polite. He just goes, hey, would it be cool if we could go to your room and you could give me a pair of your panties to jerk off into? And he said it so casual that she thought he was joking. Like it was just absurd.

And she goes, I'm sorry, what did you say? And he just like just repeated it again. I mean, if you don't mind, if I could just have a pair of your panties to jerk off into, you know, whatever. And then she said she was shocked but not offended. And she just goes, no, no, I'm not going to do that. And he goes, okay. And then he just went right back into the conversation. And to me, that's awesome. That's awesome where it's like, that's your thing.

You have every right to ask for that thing. And if somebody doesn't want to do that thing, they have every right to say no. And then everybody fucking moves on with their lives. To me, it's not, it's not a scandal. No, because it's just what, you know,

what is it? What is it really? If we're not, if we're not being clear about what we want anymore, then the lines get even more blurred. Absolutely. All that shit, all that shit,

you know, got, I got into the deep, deep conversations with my parents about the whole thing. And I wanted to know their perspective, dude. You know what I mean? They're, you know, they got into the deep, deep conversations with my parents about the whole thing. And I wanted to know their perspective, dude. You know, I mean, they're, you know, they're boomers. They're the older, they're boomer generation. And they, you know, they're considerably conservative.

Like, it's just, and they, their perspective was different than what I thought. It was interesting. Are they Pat Robertson conservative where they think that anal sex started COVID-19? It did, by the way. And for people that think it came from a bat is just disgusting. This is because COVID happened because this is God paying us back for letting gay people get married. And that's a fact. Whether people like to hear it or not, we let gay people get married and God said that's it and and covid came out i said this isn't this crazy that i lived in west hollywood for which for people that don't know is a predominantly gay neighborhood here in los angeles i lived there for like over a decade and 10 years ago yeah people talked about hiv in the community gay friends that i had

as like a life-ending super scary thing sure and now that there's so much medication for it mentioning the word virus nowadays yeah people don't even think about hiv they're like they're like the virus and someone's like oh hiv they're like wait what no fucking no that shit's that's in the that doesn't even bother anybody anymore right that's like a that's like a that's like a that's like a little itch you kind of can't scratch. That's all that is, you know, they figured out like now. Yeah. It's crazy. The antiviral recipe, they figured it out for that one. It's two dudes, two dudes got cured. I read this other guy in London got cured a week ago of HIV completely cured out of his system. And now the new viral thing is like,

you mentioned virus. Now people are more scared of COVID than you would ever be of HIV. Wow. So they got a million years. They got his viral load so low that it's undetectable, huh? He doesn't even show up. Yeah, that's what they said. Yeah, it's crazy, crazy. You know, when you were talking about the sex stuff earlier, I didn't know if you were going to ask me about like if I was worried if anybody found out mine. I try to get ahead of those things. Not that anybody would.

Not that I'm like anywhere near Louis C.K. kind of level of notoriety or, you know, the public public knowing who I am. But I'm actually so open about that stuff. Weird shit. No, not actually a little bondage, little dress up. And that's about as that's about as far as I go. And my wife is so open. She does. She does.

She does. She the one that initiated the conversation about bondage or was you? Yeah, she was happy to talk about it and stuff like it's like her thing more than my thing. But it doesn't bother me but it's like but but i do feel lucky though too where right i felt when the when the louis ck thing happened i felt bad for him in the sense that like you know our brains we don't know why they're wired the way they are we don't know why we like what we like i feel lucky that like mine are pretty acceptable like catholic school girl outfit you know some latex, that leather. I like that look.

The heels, the fishnet. That's your shit? That's my shit. I like that kind of dress up. And then what does she wear when you wear all that stuff? What does your wife wear? She just kind of like a business suit, like a nice business suit. And then she sits behind a desk and I kind of jiggle.

Like old pads? I jiggle my ass. Yeah. Yeah, she has the big shoulder cushions and she just is working on accounting and i'm like i'm like come on come on whip it and then she just tries to ignore me as our fantasy i just i have a vision a vision of you dressing up like britney spears in that uh hit me baby one more time video and her coming in as like a 1980s executive with a calculator and a i do the full and an old huge cell phone very specific. I do like the full choreography to that.

And then at the end, she just like, no, that's not going to work for us. I'm sorry, but we already have somebody for that position. Thanks for coming in. And then I just fucking leave. She passes. She passes. And then I go to the bathroom and jerk off. And just, I come so hard after that rejection.

Tell me this. You said that you, so you like weed more than you like the booze? No, no, no. I like booze more. I like booze more. But lately, I've been doing more weed than normal. Do you guys get high together? Yeah, she'll just have a very small amount, but she likes a little bit of weed.

Yeah. Yeah, but she likes to have a drink. We both like to have a few drinks at night when we're watching shows. She's like a vodka soda, and I usually go back and forth between whiskey and gin. Do you find that it helps your sexual life or hurts it when you get, when you're drinking or when you're getting high? I think, I think it, um, it adds to it a little bit cause we don't, we don't get like, uh, blitzed, you know, we might get like a strong buzz or whatever like that, but we're not getting

sloshed at home. That would, that would affect it negatively for me. I think now, cause then I would just probably just want to go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. To me, it's a 50-50. Sometimes we're partying, we're having such a good time. Yeah. And then I know we're never going to make it to the fuck town because we're going to brush our teeth and go to bed.

Right. You know what I mean? Right. We're going to be stumbling around eating, you know, chips and digging through the fridge and then passing out on the couch. Yeah, it's funny. It's like the delicate. That's why I do like late night smoking a joint on the patio and maybe having like a finger of whiskey, one little finger.

Yeah, yeah. Because then I feel like I'm more down to perform then. Then if I get too high or too buzzed, I'm just like, I don't know if I got... But meanwhile, 20 years ago, you know, that's when I would want to fuck like a rabbit. You know what I mean? When you're young, you're just like get wasted. You're like, all I want to do is put my dick inside of that fucking anything. Well, yeah.

And it's so different too, when you're young and single or like, like on the prowl or whatever. And that was most of my stuff too, was just getting fucking hammered. And then, you know, at the end of the night, you know, you, you fall into a good situation and that's like a huge win where, where now it's like, you know, at the end of the night, you know, you fall into a good situation and that's like a huge win where where now it's like, you know, we've been together for a while. I'm not chasing anybody. I know that whiskey dick is real. I know that I'm not going to have anything to give if I go to a certain level. It has to be a little bit more, I guess, kind of thought out, you know? Yeah, I mean, I yeah i mean i feel bad i

feel bad for my dick when i get too drunk because i know it's trying to get hard you know like i like i know he's he's think he's trying to tell me like why this is your fault like in it and i'm trying to do my job but you're not letting me do my job i'm just like a very restrictive over-controlling boss when i get drunk and my dick is like it's one of my employees that's like dude i'm just trying to do them a fucking job right And you keep getting in the way, you know, you're fucking up my shit. So I quit. And then he just goes to sleep and I'm done. And then I tuck it in my ass, like all of us do, right? We all just tuck it in our ass. You feel like you push the head in the ass and that's how you know it's sleep time. You don't have a choice. So tell me this, the most interesting topic you think you've had on Time Suck that

actually was a real life Time Suck that kind of like, has anything taken over your life a little bit in a kind of a creepy way where you're like, we indulge too much and we research too much? Because I've listened to a good portion of them and I always wonder if you get too deep almost, you know what I mean? Yeah, there's some that they get in your head more than others. I mean, it's weird. I've done all these serial killers for like a portion of the episodes. And a lot of times they don't bother me. Not that I think like, oh, well, whatever.

I don't care what he did. I mean, you know that what he did is horrible, but it doesn't like weigh me down or bum me out. But then I did one for a guy who, who killed some kids that were from around here that went to the school, maybe two blocks from where I record, where I ran into people around town who knew the, the, the people that were killed. Like it was a big thing for this little area. And that one,

and it was such a brutal, brutal torture and killing. And, and, and just knowing like I'm seeing the same things i went to the denny's where they you know got the girl finally back after she'd been held hostage for you know three months and i went i drove by the campground where the little boy was shot and killed after being raped for it's like my god that one really sunk and just like it just the local it just made it so

much more real this isn't just something i'm reading about this is like someone's life um and then others have just have just hung on in a way where it's so bizarre i just it's just so hard to like forget about like albert fish is one of the weirdest stories i've ever come across where he was a serial killer at the beginning of the the 20th century and he was such a deranged pervert and he did so many horrible things but they were so over the top it's just like i just want to laugh even though i know they're horrific right like i know like i know when it's so dark it's almost funny it's yeah he crosses i've learned that with like the true crime where it's like this thing where it's like oh horrible uh oh my god so much worse so

much but then if they add like a an element weirdness, it becomes so over the top fucked up that it's just like funny. Like Albert Fish. I mean, he was a he was a monster. He ate a kid. He literally ate a kid. But then he was so crazy. He wrote that kid's parents a letter saying, don't worry. I know.

Like basically it was this tone of like, listen, I know you're upset that I ate your kid and I get that that's not cool, but I want you to know that she was. But. But. Listen, hold on. She was never molested. She did die a virgin and I thought you would want to know that I never touched her sexually and I feel good about that. But he wrote it as if they were going to write him back being like, hey, Al, I'm still pretty pissed about you eating my kid. As if they were going to write him back being like, hey, Al, I'm still pretty pissed about you eating my kid.

But I just I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, the bottom of my heart for not fucking my kid. I really appreciate the effort you put in there. It didn't go unnoticed. And he he would do these long cons, which I still think about sometimes. It's one of the again, I say it's one of the funniest things. I know it's super fucked up, but he was a sadomasochist. And he would get people. He would torture them.

But he also wanted to be tortured by them. It was the weirdest thing. Like, he would make them, like, literally eat his shit. Like, literally. But then he would want to eat their shit. Like, he— Because it was his shit coming out of their shit. It was so crazy. He wanted to eat his shit through their shit is what it was, his layers.

That's how self-indulgent he was. Yeah, exactly. Very meta. That's crazy, man. That's so crazy. It's so crazy. He was really into being whipped and, like, beaten. Like, he wanted to be beaten.

He wanted to beat. He wanted to cut. He wanted to be cut. And he was into, like, all this crazy stuff in, like, the 1920s, the 1920s the 19 teens it's not like it was uh he could go to the sex store and grab things he would have to get like right just actual like tools like farming tools to beat with you know to like be beaten with and his craziest thing he would do is he wouldn't always kill he he would do these long cons and back in like the early 20th century when you know a lot of people died way younger than they do now and when women – when their husband would die, a common thing if they owned a home was for them to rent out bedrooms of their home to boarders to make some income.

So there would be like the equivalent of like the classified ads, the Craigslist. They'd put out these lists in the paper for like, hey, room for rent, you know, contact so-and-so whatever he would send letters. He would comb through these things and he would basically like a, almost like an email spam. He would send a bunch of letters, kind of fishing, seeing who would bite. And initially the letter would be that he has an adult son who, um, needs to be watched over. His adult son is 18 years old. He had a head injury. He has some brain damage. He needs somebody to take care of him. Could you watch him for a little bit?

He would see how many would come back to that. Out of those people, then he would escalate in the next letter. He's like, hey, thank you for offering to board my son. Now, we found a new treatment that's been working in Europe where people spank him on his bare bottom and it gets some of the brain stuff moving around. And it really shows that it helps kind of like clear their heads up and they've shown a lot of progress.

It's the rage in Europe. If you could just agree to spank his bare ass with a with a firm palm like, you know, three times a week, he would see who would go for that. three times a week. He would see who would go for that. So then some of those people would come back. He had a whole thing and they found his letter. So you can read the original letters that the police found. Because this is partly how he was caught was one of these people like they turned the police on to this guy sending these, you know, obscene letters.

So then if they agreed, he would say, hey, I'm so glad that you're open to this. You know, it's, it's a very effective thing. I just want, I can't emphasize enough. You can go real hard on him. You can, um, there's a paddle, there's a cat of nine tails. Uh, the harder you whip him, you know, his bare ass, if you really get into it, it's really going to help his brain. And I feel guilty because I'm part of the reason he got hurt. It was an accident I was involved in. You're just saint for doing this. Thank you so much. If they bought on that, then the next step was he was like, listen, I feel so guilty about being involved with my son's accident that if you,

if I were to come over, would you be willing to also beat my bare ass to alleviate the guilt that I feel for my son? So now he's setting up a scenario where he's getting this woman to agree to beat the shit out of him. And he still would take it further. There was this one lady who the police got involved and they were like, you got to keep this going. You got to keep feeding him. And so he went further and further.

And by the end, he said that he was a Hollywood producer. And he said that the major motion picture stars of the day, that Humphrey Bogart, all the people, whatever, Clark Gable, whoever was fucking huge at this point. He's like, they're all getting their asses just beat and whipped and they're pissing in each other's mouths and they're eating each other's shit. And that's how they do it in Hollywood. It's the latest thing. By the way, that's true. It's true today.

he would try to get this lady to agree to beat the shit out of him let him beat her a little bit to shit in his mouth like everything possibly depraved and then he would come to their house because he knows this person's willing to do what i need their game yeah their game there's a weird wild there's a crazy story of him online where there's an x-ray photo you can find before the electrocuted he ended up getting put in the chair and, you know, death sentence for a bunch of horrible things. I can't remember the exact number, but I want to say it was 47, 49. He had these long sewing needles in his groin area. He would push needles into his balls and into his taint. Oh, my God. balls and under his taint. And when he died, this x-ray, there was just like 50 of these sizable needles all inside

of him still. Like he was a crazy masochist. In here, we pour whiskey. Support for Whiskey Ginger comes from Manscaped, the best in below the belt grooming for men. Dudes out there, if you're still trimming your peen hair or your ball hair with scissors or one of those archaic trimmers that has the blades that your hairs get caught and it pulls on them and it hurts a lot, you're a loser. You need to step your game up, dude. Manscaped is incredible. I've been using it since the day that they started with

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What state did this take place in that he got the death penalty? New York. In New York. Yeah, yeah. Do they still have, you're up, like, I don't know the rules of Idaho. Yeah. Is it very religious up there or no? Yeah, Idaho is very red.

We live right near the border of Washington, which is, you know, eastern Washington is pretty red, western Washington is very blue. Technically, Washington is a blue state. And then Idaho is, I think, one of the reddest states. It's very conservative. Is it Mormonism up there too or no? Some. Southern Idaho, we would call it northern Utah growing up because I grew up in central Idaho.

Southern Idaho is very heavily Mormon. And then northern Idaho is very heavily – even southern Idaho will make fun of Northern Idaho for having it. They always try to say it in a nice way. Like, uh, we have a, there's a lot of independent minded people up there. A lot of people with a strong independent streak, anti-government lunatics. There's the biggest, there's real estate agents that specialize in, uh, properties with, uh, doomsday bunkers in this area. Like this is like prepper central, like, like when everything got weird lately um and i admit like you know it's different here than there i have some guns and i was got

some new ones to go like kind of target shoot and when i went up to this area where they were gonna like go shooting it was a vibe of like um like red dawn wolverines it was a vibe of like we fucking waited for this like we're ready oh my whole life is waiting for this moment this is what and i told you margie this is what the fuck we do that's why we prepare exactly so good exactly that's i mean dude look i thought about that when this first started happening because we have a lot of family that live in, well, a lot of family in Colorado, but also family in Utah. So I'm versed with that area of the, that western part of the country, not a lot of people are familiar with. They think of Colorado, they just know Denver.

They think of Utah and they know nothing about Salt Lake, but they've heard of Salt Lake. And Idaho is kind of the same way. People kind of have this idea of what they might think. And then you go and you're like, wow, to me, I see this unbelievable gap between, like when we go to Salt Lake, when we go up to Midway, when we go up to the mountains and all that stuff and up by Park city and all that stuff where we have family, you see like an extremism with like very Mormon. It's, it's very heavy. It's very thick. And then you see the polar opposite, which is like, so anti, anti everything, anti religion, anti family, anti fucking humanity, like people that are lone wolves that want nothing to do with anybody and they coexist in this space.

And it's really wild to see. Like, it's one of those things that I'm fascinated with because I've never lived in that world. I was in Chicago, in the city, then I went to the suburbs in high school, then I moved out to California. So, like, I've only known major metro-ish areas. Yeah, yeah. known major metro ish areas. Yeah. Until I got to go there, it's just a wild thing to see because I guess my, the transition I wanted to talk about was this guy on the news the other day for, for Palm Sunday had, uh, 1800 people gather together for this fucking, you know, he still wanted to praise God. And I was like, people people are it's easy to make fun of these people

but also people who've never met these kind of people don't understand this is not this is not a choice that they're making right it's like it's it's inundated it's been like such a part of their life you cannot wrap your head around how religion takes precedent over you could get sick and die they're like no what do you mean? There's no fucking way. Oh yeah, we have- There's just no fucking way. We have churches that are open around here like that.

There was on the news the other day, and it was Southern Idaho was kind of having a reaction, like the news down there of like, what are you guys doing? But it was several state senators or state congressmen in Northern Idaho, one of whom is also a pastor, is just like, nope, you're not arresting me.

We're still gonna gather. We're still going to gather. We're still going to do it. And basically, but as opposed, he wasn't saying like, this is against God or you're trying to stop, you know, our religion. He was like, first amendment rights. It was all about like government. There's just this extreme paranoia around here of the government trying to take away your rights.

And this recent pandemic feeds into that where all of a sudden the government's telling people like, you got to stay home. And it's very much an attitude, like a knee jerk reaction of like, you don't fucking tell me what to do. You know, like, and I grew up, I mean, right. Oh my God. When Y2K was about to hit, like where I grew up, I mean, I got let out of high school. I grew up in a town of 400 people. My class graduating class had 23 kids. Like I grew up super rural, 23 kids, 23 kids 23 kids my last that's smaller than one classroom that i had oh yeah oh yeah my last couple years of high school i lived 15 miles

outside of this little town and my sister and i were joking about it was like rural poverty we essentially lived in a fucking shed like i have been in sheds nicer than like the rooms we had out there. And it was this crazy mentality where, excuse me, we got let out of high school once to have a militia meeting before Y2K. My English teacher told me that the best investment you could make was to get as many guns as you can get your hands on and bury them in your yard. For a while, my dad was burying gold or hiding gold in the walls of the house. What? Oh, yeah. It was like, it was this whole belief system that the Illuminati, that the New World Order was going to, there was this big United Nations conspiracy, and any day they were going to

come down from Canada, and they're black helicopters, and they were going to roll in with their tanks, and they were going to take everything you've ever had. It was like this insane. So I grew up like Ruby Ridge was an episode we did recently that, um, I probably get a little more emotional than some. And people were surprised I went so hard against this guy, but I'm like, I grew up with this guy. I, I, I, I went to school with this guy's, you know, essentially this guy's not him literally,

but like people like him went to school with their kids. And it's, and it's such a bummer where they get so paranoid and they're waiting for the world to end via either like some religious kind of second coming or some man-made just kind of Armageddon situation. And then you see it's so sad where they devote their whole life to that. So they don't go to college. They don't focus on their career. They don't focus on any sense of future. And then eventually they're 60 years old and they have no money and they have no property and they have and they're just angry and bitter and crazy because their whole life was built on this big ending that never came. And so like there was this insane preacher, Hal Lindsey, who's a doomsday preacher.

I fucking hate this guy. He, um, uh, he was kind of tied into this, the people who, the weavers who are part of this Ruby Ridge thing, they were big believers in his books and his message. And he was a guy who preached for years in the seventies that the world would not last beyond 1984. And he sold millions of books based on that. And it didn't, by the way, that is when it all ended. And we're all in 1984 is when everything kind of stopped everything stopped moving and but like it's crazy that like so you'd think in 1985 his career would be over like oh no no no all the people who just wasted opportunities because the world was going to end they're

fucked but then he writes a new book saying the world's going to end in 1989 or wherever and he sells a million more copies and he's still alive. He's in his nineties. He's still doing this shit. Wow. And, and, and I asked my dad, I'm like, my dad, my grandpa, his, his dad was a, was a pastor and was a doomsday pastor. And I'm like, did you know about Hal Lindsey? And he was like, Oh my God. He goes, we had all his books. Uh, you know, his dad, my grandpa believed my dad didn't go to college specifically because he was convinced the world was going to end in 1984. Like he's that's insane and it's yeah so i've lived around that mentality and it's just it's so sad where i'm like god damn it you guys like you're just but i will say this a part of me a part of me wants them to be right so bad i would like to see the end yeah like a part of me

is so not i don't believe in it so much but i also i'm happy about people's belief systems like i think it's great there's conspiracy theorists i like i like that people have their own sense of belief of everything i think it's nice that we have all these different perspectives it's good that we don't all believe the same thing sure but a piece of me a piece of me who is a non-believer of that kind of shit sure wants wants to be wrong a little bit because i would go well they're fucking that's they were right like a piece of me wants to go the crazy guy was right yeah it'd be fucking wild to see even though i don't want it to happen true true i just i just think that that's like i don't have anybody in my direct circle that was ever a

prepper or any of that stuff but i have have, I have friends that are, are extreme conspiracy theorists and they, they teeter sometimes on the idea of being like, you know, no, dude, I said, dude, I said friends, but I, uh, no, I love Sam. He's no, he, he, he just gets into the, he gets into that world. The problem I think exists with Sam is a good example of many people that I've met over the years is like, I know Sam as a guy. Yeah. He's a great dude. He's a good dude. Yeah. He's a good dude. I know he believes in a lot of that stuff, but sometimes people believe in it to a degree that makes even them get scared. Like I'll give you a good example. This is crazy.

The movie The Joker. Oh, yeah. Did you watch it? No, keep me to do it. Oh, my God. I know. I have to see it. I've heard it's great.

It's so rich with emotion. And I will say this. When you watch regular movies, shoot-up movies and gun movies and death movies, there's a score to it. There's a soundtrack and music does something to death that it desensitizes it to us. Right. You know, but when you watch violence in, in, with indefinite silence, it, it affects you in a very different way. It hits you harder. It's more vivid. It's more like, it's like it's lucid it's creepy it's like this it's

dreamlike you're like oh my god is this real is this fake and after i watched the joker yeah i know shit got remember walking to the car we were walking to the car and i turn i i turned to my wife and i was like i feel like i'm like i lost my mind a little bit during the movie like i i got so in depth into it. It scared me a little bit. Okay. And I kept, because my brain was running wild with thoughts over like,

wow, I have ever, do I know people like this? Do I associate with people like this? Do I, is it so based in a root of reality? The movie for the first time in a long time, superhero movies tend to have such a sense of fantasy.

Sure. This one had so much reality that it hits, it hits, you got to fucking watch it. But I think about, I think about people like that, that are conspiracy theorists or a little bit disturbed or, or bunker,

bunker banditos and all these people that are like, sometimes I think, well, they've probably scared themselves into that reality. Sometimes, you know what I mean? Like prepping made them go all the way. It was like they were close.

Now a few things like COVID pushed them right over the edge. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now it's a fact. Now it's a fact. God, what a weird way. Can you still buy guns by you, by the way? Yeah.

Yeah, you can. You can up by you? Yeah. So they tried to ban it in california in southern california oh during there's a gun store yeah there's a gun store not far from my house yeah and um there was a line of like 60 people yeah and they put the cops put the kibosh on it because they were like these are there's too many people gathering in one place waiting to buy guns right um so now you can go but you have to make an appointment. And it's a one person is allowed in

and no one's allowed to wait outside. You have to be in your car or whatever. Okay. So for the, yeah. It's wild, man. Yeah. Cause I run by it every day. I run in this big loop in my neighborhood

and I pass by it. Yeah. And I watched it take place and I talked to one of the security guards and he basically was like, yeah. He's like, we've sold more guns in the past month than we've sold in a year. Wow. I was like, whoa. I mean, I buy it. I believe it. I get it. I mean, I believe it. I get it. I'm a, I'm a little bit part of that where it's like, and I grew up shooting and stuff like that. And I do like, there's a gun club up

the street that I want to like, I'm not a member of now, but, but I do think it would be fun. Like I enjoyed target practice growing up, but it is just fun. Like whatever a target or just going out in the wood with soda cans or whatever and just you know yeah just uh shooting them off a log it's just there's something just simple and fun about it and uh but i did get in this mentality of you know we had like i had a hunting rival whatever but i did think that like in the area that i live in if if shit goes crazy i know that my neighbors are going to be armed to the teeth and I don't want to be the one guy guys let's just talk about some stuff for a second

come on let's all just calm down and breathe for a bit they would take my shit so fast I'm like I gotta have something does anybody have any extra guns that they could loan us nobody wants to give us a gun make it a fair fight

yeah we have a lot of food and money but we have no guns if anyone you're showing them they're like this is a bag filled with money right uh but we just would like a gun does anybody have a gun they could give it yeah very worried about protecting our much we have a lot of food deep freezer we have a lot of this money no way to protect it please and and kids who could also work uh strong hands they're really they're they're good workers these young ones so we'll sell them to you if you'd like we just need one gun guys i have a sexy wife she's into bondage i've talked about it publicly i cannot protect her. Please. Yeah. By the way,

an image of you selling your wife in bondage already is very funny to me. Like putting her out on the front lines in bondage. You're like, show them what you've got. Show them what you've got. We got to get some guns. They're not going to give us the guns unless they know we're serious. You got to.

This reminds me of a, this is like, this is like uh this is a terrible story that i shouldn't tell but i don't really care well it doesn't matter i'm not mentioning names uh a girl that i dated in college we were doing this we were this is this is like uh what you're okay with then and now you know what i mean like i didn't know we hadn't met yet this is the first day i ever met this girl and in arizona you do this thing called floating the salt river where you buy you you rent in two inner and you, they, a bus takes you up to the top

of this mountain and you float this river all the way down. It's a, it's an awesome party, right? People in Arizona and Phoenix love it. And, um, you buy one inner tube for your cooler, a beer and one for yourself and you just chain together everybody and you just float together and you know, you get drunk, you piss in the water, people end up fucking on a bank somewhere there's a rock that someone's bound to break an arm junk jumping off of you know yeah yeah yeah um but we hit like a little baby riptide and uh i don't know why this what you're the bonus thing made me think of it but it was like all of our beer spilled out of this um this makeshift cooler one of those bullshit styrofoam coolers

that you can buy from. And because the guy that we were with wasn't paying attention. And so beers are spilling out down the river. So we're losing our fucking beers. We're panicking. And I had just met this girl, by the way. I've never met this girl before in my life, but very attractive. And she was so fun.

And she's like, well, how the fuck are we going to get beer? And I was like, well, I guess we gonna get beer and i was like well we could i guess we could just try to buy some from these other people floating around us and she's like fuck that and she she whips out her tits yes and she starts going and she starts going brouhahs for tatas she starts saying that she's like oh my god give us beer i'll show you my tits and she's like flashing a half a nipple and people at first i was like don't don't don't don't show these psychos you're you know like sure i was also kind of crushing on her a little bit but i was also like don't fucking show these weirdo you never know these dudes these

dudes are all creepy weirdo fuck off sure but then after we started getting beers i was like come on all right you'll get two tits for two beers i'm i'm like selling her to everybody. We ended up dating by the way. Great girl. Great girl. Became my girlfriend. Great girl. Great girl. You immediately go to just pimp. She was wonderful. Just like immediately. Yeah. I was a pimp right away. Yeah. I was selling her right away. Yeah. I was like, she'll show her butthole for a case. Butthole for a case. What an amazing talent. I've thought about that so much where, and I know guys talk about it a lot, so I know women have some idea of it, but I i don't i still don't think a lot of women truly understand the power

of just tits and a vagina like the instinctual magnetic pull it has over guys uh of almost any age but especially the more hormones flow when you're younger where it's amazing what guys will do just to see titty or just to have a girl touch their dick. Not even sex necessarily. It's crazy. We have no equivalent. What a crazy thing where that exact scenario

and you switch it and you're whipping your dick out like, dick for beer, come on! Balls for beer. You're a fucking monster. people are calling the police you're a weird if i'm windmilling i'm windmilling my cock i'm just like come on man someone throw me a beer please yeah no it's funny that it's funny that that's it's it's an interesting thing that for some reason yeah women visually are so appealing to both men and women.

Right. Like it's just such a visual, beautiful appearance. Yeah. That seeing the thing that you've already seen before, you already have fucking seen it. Yeah. You felt it. You've touched it. You've licked it.

You fucked it. Right. You still, when you see a new one, you're still like, whoa, dude, it's a little different. It's just a little different. I like it. The power of boobs. I worked at Playboy for two years. I think I was done like three years ago, but I hosted this morning show.

It's the crazy. It was the craziest show where it was like a morning TV show on their pay-per-view channel. And it was four days a week. I think you had an hour a day. And it was me, my co-host, who was a former Playboy model. And then it would be three or four playboy models would come in for our games and then we'd have a few guests one or two guests who would be like you know a reality show comic whatever pitching whatever they're pitching

and and the games were essentially designed just to have the girls get naked well like like your co-host uh the show your dave uh little dicky he was again he was a guest and oh yeah so we had him judge i think some rap contests and then the girls you know the winner had to get naked whatever it's always an excuse to get naked sure and so i'm seeing playboy model tits three to four sets different ones four times a week and you would think you would just be all right i get it you know fucking you're just inundated with tits and you would get desensitized to their boobs but then i would go is at the empire center in burbank right there um yeah uh yeah yeah like uh not too far from costco and all that right and where we kind of filmed and then i would leave

and i would go to that starbucks in the empire center um and i would be standing in line and some lady would bend over in a blouse to get like a fucking ethos water bottle. And I would see her bra and I'm like, fuck, yeah. Oh, man. Look at that. I almost saw that titty. Like, I've just left a world of titties. And I'm just like, more, more nipple.

More titties. It's because it's a different titty. It's so appealing because it's a different titty it's so appealing because it's a different titty it's also why i think when women send nudes um it's just even if it's in like even if a girl has a bad body yeah it's it's still the idea is so sexualized and when men send a dick pic i don't care how much the woman likes the man this is my theory. I think no women like dick pics. I believe that nobody likes dick pics. I think it's a, I think it's a, I think they like you.

Yeah. That's why they like to see your penis. Yeah. Sometimes they'll tolerate it. They'll tolerate it. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

Where men, it's not about the girl. They want to see the pussy or the tits. But like, I think a woman is like your wife. She loves you. So she likes your cock because it's you. Right.

It's not the cock. Right. Like versus for a guy, any picture of tits or pussy is like, Oh no, wife she loves you so she likes your cock because it's you right it's not the cock right like right versus for a guy any picture of tits or pussy is like oh i want to look yeah like i have to look oh yeah but like a random dick to a random girl is most likely going to make her go ew fucking i don't want to see that weird dick i know i don't know whose dick that is no totally i've heard so many girls complain like to my like my wife's single friends or whatever or just girls complain about or female comics or whatever about like just like getting dick pics and just being like god damn it like fucking so enough stop who what who these creeps think they are kind of thing i've never heard a single dude ever like a straight dude talk about getting like

pussy pics and being like oh what the fuck bitches, they just keep sending me this pussy and I'm just, enough. You know, I get it. So annoying. So gross. Yeah, I've seen it. Big fucking deal. Yeah, you got a pussy, whatever.

Fucking, God. Well, it's also because, it's also because our penis, a limp penis, is so ugly and it has to transform. It has to get blood in it to make it look viable and worth it.

Yeah. Where it's not like a vagina has to get to a thing to make it look better. It's going to look the same as always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like a dick has to have, it has to be in a certain mode to even look nice. Do you know what I mean? I'm just picturing like what a funny concept of limp dick pics. Like nobody's sending those.

But like a limp dick. Yeah, I do. I send to my wife, I send limp dick pics and I text her, I say, work for it. I say, work for it. Are you serious? Are you serious?

No. Oh, I love that so much. It's so funny. Oh my God. Work for it, bitch. You're not getting a boner off the jump, lady. Let's go.

Get it up. What do you got to give me back? I just love the- No, the concept is insane of sending a limp dick pic. Because it's so sad. More men should do it. Oh, it's just so funny to me the, the concept is, is insane of sending a limp dick pic. Cause it's so sad. More men should do it. Oh,

it's just so funny to me. We're just like, they just end like a limp dick and like a frowny face and just, just like, I'm sad. It's a hard day today. I wonder, and this is out of our realm,

obviously, but I wonder, I wonder like if in the gay community, if gay guys send each other, what kind of fun stuff they send each other because you know a straight dude isn't sending a girl anything really creative other than hey here's my car oh yeah you know what I mean like the sixth take you got the angle just right you're just you're pushing the shaft like you're pushing you're going so far to try and get that

extra half inch and get some perspective yeah yeah it's not just a casual uh-uh no the push and so funny the push anytime anytime any guy has ever taken any picture of his penis right the amount of effort you have to put in to make it look like a good penis it should remind you that it's not worth it right right that's the one time well this isn't real that straight guys like i feel like most straight guys like when i take pictures after the show whatever like little meet and greet as you know almost no straight dudes are ever like hey man can we take that again compared to like a lot like women are like this is my good side okay can you the camera a little bit higher a lot of angles the one time straight guys seem to really care about fucking lighting and angles is dick pics. Just got to get that shot. Got to fucking nail it.

They have led panels at home, never for a selfie, but only for a dick pic. When you meet people, when you meet people after shows, when you do, you do meet and greet. I do that too. I love doing that. Do you have any rules as far as like, um, uh, do you, do you shake everyone's hand or do you do like, do you have one of those things where you're like, I don't shake everyone's hand. I just, I'll take a picture. And then, uh, I do hand sanitizer at the table and I do shake hands. It was weird there right before the tour went away when it was like, I was like, ah, I,

I thought about not doing the meet and greet, but I felt bad. I know we get like weird gifts because of the podcast, which I'm, I know that some people have like, you know, they've invested a lot in this meeting and they want to and I don't want to like let them down. And so what I did is I started I offered like Corona pics where I would say like, OK, you guys take the selfie. I'll be a weird Corona creeper in the background. So I'll be like back behind. And I try to get creative. But yeah, yeah. No, it's hard. Yeah. I because I shake everyone's hand and I was in Philly was my last show, um, that I got to do.

I was actually in Chicago back home about to do my like last, last show before they was going to get shut down and it did get shut down, but I was in Philly and I, I took all the pictures and it was right when it was starting. It was like right when it was the rumblings of it. And you know, I do, I shake everyone's hand and I say hi. And a lot of people people a lot of fans were surprisingly like hey i get it if you don't want to stand next to me and i was like oh that's good i mean like people becoming more conscious and i wonder i wonder what that's going to be

like when this is over because i was i was i was watching a news report yeah about how china's reopening and wuhan is like trying to function now and reintegrate into society. But you still see that there's plastic on a lot of stuff. Everyone has gloves and masks still like there's still that, you know, that that that that nervousness about what's going to exist. So I wonder at our shows, is it still going to be that kind of weird discomfort with going to shows? I think it will be like I don't want to sit in a fucking room. Yeah, I think it's going to I think it will be like i don't want to sit in a fucking room yeah i think it's gonna i think it will be for a little while like what i like i'm looking forward to is looking forward to like turning on tv and seeing a a baseball park full of people on a bright summer day that's when to me i'm like okay we're back if everybody's willing to go fill up the ballpark

and enjoy some baseball you know and be around that many people then i'm not going to be worried about stand-up shows. Cause I know that like, we'll be good with that. But, uh, but I, it is weird to think about like when it's going to come back. I don't know. I don't think it's, I don't know. Hopefully it'll be normal by the time, like the end of the summer. But then I think like, well, fuck, what if the virus kind of spikes again? The frustrating thing with all this is that nobody knows.

You can read a million news articles. Nobody knows. Nobody fucking knows. I just, the only thing I do know is, uh, there are people out there that don't believe in it. is it nobody knows you can read a million news articles nobody knows nobody fucking knows i just the only thing i do know is uh there are people out there that don't believe in it that think this is like literally a government hoax i know it's just that it's just totally made up yeah and that people actually aren't dying there are people that are saying people are not dying and that this is completely fabric oh yeah i mean we do yeah. I mean, we do a lot of conspiracies.

We do a lot of conspiracies on time suck and stuff. And so I'm familiar with that like mentality. And once you go to that place, the only thing that would convince a certain person like that, that it's real, they would have to have an immediate family member or close friend, get it, have it be very serious,

have them die or almost die, be told. And then they'd be like, oh shit. Like it would take that much for it to sink in. Like, like that, that whole conspiracy mentality. I'll never forget. There was this, um, we talked about flat earth once and I got kind of like into, um, just trying to figure out the flat earth mentality on the, on the little Patreon podcast we do, we go to conspiracies more often.

So it's like, uh, we'll just kind of do like little analyze one video or whatever and there was this thing called behind the curve it was a flat earth documentary oh i watched it okay so you so you know the mentality where this one guy was like they even said like if we took you up into space and with your own eyes let you see the curve would you then believe the world is round? And he said, no. He's like, if that happened, I would be convinced that this was all an experiment. I'd been drugged and that I was not actually in space. Like that guy, you cannot convince. Yeah, no, you can't. Right.

I mean, yeah, it's just it's just it's also I think a part of it is, you know, a part of it is they want to they want to be so against the norm that even if internally they might not believe it, they just want to feel like, fuck you, you don't get to tell me. Right. You don't get to tell me that I'm wrong. It's more of that. It's like that defiance that like, no, I get to think this way. And you're like, yeah, but that's wrong. Literally it's proven wrong. And they're like, no, you don't get to tell because your proof is fake science that I think is, is all made up anyway.

Oh, that's a crazy place they've got in their head where it's like, you can't, there's this weird mentality that goes to a lot of conspiracies online where they've, they've gone to this place in their head where they think that formal education is nothing is, They've gone to this place in their head where they think that formal education is just akin to brainwashing. Basically, like the more degrees you have, the dumber you are because you weren't able to figure out in all of that schooling that the system is a lie and it's all a joke. And so that actually invalidates you. Oh, you have two doctorates? Fuck you.

I dropped out in eighth grade because I saw what the score was. Like, so I'm fucking woke and you're the idiot. It's like, you can't reason with that person. No, but again, like I said before, I almost want that person to be right. Like, I almost want them to be the, I almost want them to come out on top so we can all go, holy fucking shit. Like, in the same regard that,

in the same regard that like, I was raised a Catholic kid and then my mom got a divorce and then you they kick you out of the fucking church yeah and so i'm not anti-religion by any means i'm not religious by any means i don't care if people don't i don't give a fuck what you like it's just i don't like i don't fuck with it but it's it's it's fascinating to me how many people have gotten so deep within that world that you can't you can't tell them you can't tell them shit nope that because their belief in that is stronger than outside shit that seems to be more obvious and in that same regard it's like i don't believe in heaven and hell right personally

but i know people that physically do that believe so deeply that it's a real place yeah that i almost want them to be right i almost want to die and get to heaven and go fuck they were right and then and then of course get immediately removed to be like you didn't believe it you're out fuck i should have believed like, I almost want that to be true, you know? I do this horror podcast with my wife, scared to death. And the fun of it for me is Time Suck is so analytical and so skeptical. And I'm so constantly looking for hard evidence and scientific proof. And then when I would do like a cryptid or some kind of, you know, supposed possession, my brain is like, well, but this person doesn't seem credible. And, well, this was never replicated in a lab and blah, blah, then i do these other horror stories and it's kind of fun just to think

what if they're right please let one of them be right because if this little monster thing is real that means that aliens are probably real that means that this uh who knows and it would be a much more exciting magical world because that would be super fun i mean i think that part of the reason like these uh people want to see that kind of the end of the world is what a great fucking show that would be that would the best that would be the best show that any generation of humans have ever seen if we got to be the one generation they got to see shit fall apart in a way it never had in a mythical way that's fucking insanely exciting horrible it's also because we we would rather all die together

oh yeah dying alone is sad and scary but if you told me that an asteroid was going to hit us in a week it would be celebratory because you're like we're all going to go out like nobody gets to win it's not like i died on a tuesday and you get to still live it's like oh if we all die what a fucking what a show it would be to be like, we're going to all die at the same big thing. I mean, there's something very fascinating about the quote unquote end of the world. What a crazy week that would be. The amount of orgies would just spike.

Like all the weird decisions everyone would make. Like, you know. By the way, we're coming up to your house. If that does happen, I'm coming. I want to try the bondage thing for the first time. So I'm coming up there if that starts. You come up here, we're going up to your house. If that does happen, I'm coming. I want to try the bondage thing for the first time. So I'm coming up there if that starts. You come up here. We're going to get some pony play gear.

I was making fun of it. But if it's the last week. You and your wife just fuck the shit out of me. All right? That's it. You guys just pound me for an entire week. Deal. Beat me.

Beat me. Kill me. Do all the things that you need to do to me to take it all. Yeah, I think that one week of freedom, of complete chaos would be wild to watch. It would be the most exciting week in the history of the world. What would be the first thing you would do? What would you do first if you knew,

okay, look, today's Monday. If they tell you next Monday, you're dead, what are you doing for a week? Well, I'm going to get my hands on all the hard drugs that I wanted to do that never got around to doing. So heroin, I'm wanted to do that never got around to doing so heroin i'm gonna do heroin um uh speed balls i want to mix some heroin with some coke you know never did that i want crack i want to try crack i want to try crack yeah i would try i want to smoke smoke some crack definitely gonna punch a stranger in the face i'm gonna go to the store i'm gonna find

some smug douchebag who i just feel like deserves it for whatever reason and just just randomly just at random like hey what's up man and then when they look just as hard as i can just right in the face and then i'm not even gonna explain it i'm just gonna fucking just keep on walking just walk away yeah yeah just just chaos there's some i'm gonna kick somebody in the nuts um god i wonder i wonder what do. I would steal, I would steal a car for sure. And not even, not even a nice car. I just want to steal somebody's car. Yeah. Well, I want to like Grand Theft Auto.

I want to kick someone out of a car. You know, I want to grab them out. You know, like you want to carjack somebody. I want to carjack. Yeah. I want to carjack somebody. I want to crash that car in, into something else and then run away. Like, you know, like, like I'm in a movie, like I'm in a fucking film.

I want to, to um go into a bank with a gun yes and not actually steal the money because it's meaningless but i want to i want to have the feeling of a robbery you know i want to be like everybody on the fucking ground and everybody gets on the ground and i want to shoot twice into the air and just leave and just get the fuck out of there maybe just get something like give me those fucking pens or something just something like i took something give me those fucking pens or something. Just something. I took something. Give me those fucking deposit slips. Give me a book of deposit slips right fucking now. See that pen with the little kind of chain to the desk?

You fucking break that chain. You give it to me now. Now that's my pen. Give me the chain. Just to take. I would do small shit like that that's meaningless just to like feel what that kind of scenario feels like. You know what I mean? I'd want to blow something up. I just want to know what it's like i want to blow something up

uh you know if i could have some explosive yeah like a building like the gas station across the street like why not just fucking blow it up how fun would that be um and i want to this is i don't know what this says about me i don't know why this popped in my head but i want to just i want to just jerk off in the middle of the street and uh yeah yeah i don't even know why i don't know why that just floated in my brain but i just want to like just like almost like not even sexual just an act of defiance be like who fucking cares that's funny because i'm the i want to poop in public i just want everyone to watch me shit oh yeah yeah i want to squat and i want to look right into somebody's eyes while i'm shitting and start smiling oh man as they see me shitting in the street that That I would like. I was picturing traffic

because I had a friend in high school who was an anarchist kind of kid and he did this, not when they were in the car, but he shit on somebody's car. He walked up on top of the car and took a shit on top of the car. And I thought that was amazing.

I was picturing you like in traffic and like, you know, grinded to a halt and kind of like falling down Michael Douglas. But like you just get out and just a random car and just right on their windshield just so they have to see it. grinded to a halt and kind of like falling down Michael Douglas, but like you just get out and just a random car and just right on their windshield, just so they have to see it. Just shit on their windshield. They have to look right up into my asshole. They have a POV right

into my asshole. They really get to see the whole thing. Yeah. I like, dude, that, that I like, I feel like I would just do things that are small. I would do things that are small. They're not going to be that big of a deal. Right. But just like tiny stuff that I need to like, you know, I really, I've never like punctured someone's tire or broken someone's window. Okay. And there's a woman that lives up the street.

I want to slash her tire so bad. I just, I, she fucking fucking you know why this lady fucking sucks dude they paved my street they paved our street they told everybody they gave they gave everyone like weeks and weeks in advance like we're paving the streets please park um on the other street if you need your car because we need it a day to dry okay this fucking cunt pulls out of her driveway while it's wet mind you lives closest to the other end of the street but drives all the way down so now in the middle of our street are fucking her um escalade tire marks down the whole fucking street one day she just couldn't sacrifice for one day and you know

what the worst part is it's not like who did that the the tracks lead to her fucking driveway and instead of if i was her if she had any decency yeah she would go door to door because my block isn't that big and just go hey i'm sorry i i want to apologize i needed to get my kid out of school or whatever fucking thing it was if she had a legitimate excuse no she didn't give a fuck she didn't give a fuck she didn't care even a little bit i mean it's just that that kind of woman i don't want to hurt her physically because it's not going to do me any good you just knock on the door knock on her door wait for her to answer it and then you could take your shit just right on her doorstep just eye contact and just like yeah right yeah actually you know what i'd have

my i'd have my cock out and i'd be looking at her in the face just pissing right on her just pissing right on her legs that would be a nice aggressive but for somebody don't really like just the actual just like stare at them while peeing on them that'd be so sad pissing right on her just pissing right on her legs that would be a nice aggressive but for somebody you don't really like just the actual just like stare at them while peeing on them that'd be so sad pissing on somebody is so do you ever do you did you and your wife take showers together yeah we have yeah yeah never never ever the piano she'd be so mad at me she she would find out on her oh that's hilarious does she know i pee every time yeah i pee every time she doesn't care she gets mad yeah she gets very very mad. But it's so fun. The little boy in you is like, I'm peeing on you and it's so fun.

It's in the shower. It's washing away. We wash it away. She gets very angry about it. But I will do it every time I'm in the shower. My wife hates- Every time we're in the shower together. She hates that I blow my nose in the shower and she thinks it is the most disgusting thing ever. She's like, why can't you just-

I'm like, why waste tissue? I can just snot right into the drain. I'm in the shower. Do you piss in the shower when I'm like, why waste tissue? I can just snot right into the drain. I'm in the shot. I'm in the shower. Right. Right. Do you know, do you piss in the shower when you normally get in? Yeah. When you first get into UP. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I am blown. I have friends that are like, ew, really? And they have to pee before they get in the shower and they won't pee in it. That's insane to me. It's more satisfying for me to pee in the shower. Like it just feels better for some reason reason it's the first thing i do when i get in right but do you pee but do you pee down the drain or do you just pee on the floor of the shower it's you aim for the drain uh if i'm home i aim for the drain just to be

i probably this probably makes me a dirt bag if i'm in a hotel i get a little bit more cavalier i get you'll point it up you'll piss right on the walls wherever just have fun with it piss on the show soap dish i try not to do the soap dish but yeah but i'll but i'll but You'll piss right on the walls. It's fucking wherever. Just have fun with it. Piss on the soap dish. I try not to do the soap dish, but yeah, but I'll go all around the place. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll be a little reckless. When I'm in a hotel, when you're on the road, it is, you do treat the bathroom like you'll never, you treat it as if it was made just for you and then no one else

will have to suffer how gross you're going to make it. You know what I mean? Yes. You're like, oh, this goes away, right? This disappears when I'm done. No one has to deal with this.

The gremlins come in. The little cleaning gremlins come in and they just fucking make it all better. No one has to deal with it. No real humans have to deal with this. No, this is the proof. I've said this before. This is why when everybody gets up in arms about issues like global warming and all these things, it's like we all leave things so gross right how could you be surprised that we're going to leave the planet nice it's like go to one hotel room

at any given time if someone's staying in it look at how they operate in a fucking bathroom and how they leave it when they check out nobody gives a fuck about how they leave a hotel room you know because they just go someone else will do it my wife is the one person who does. And that's what, and she makes me feel terrible because she, uh, puts, she's actually the person who puts things in the drawers when she comes on the road, like uses the drawers, uses the closet. When we go, it's a whole thing. She, she takes everything away, throws away all of our garbage. When I'm by myself, like I literally, like I unzip my suitcase. I throw my suitcase on the bed. I unzip it. Sometimes I push it suitcase on the bed. I unzip it. Sometimes I push it off of the bed.

Just let things fly out. I don't care. Within 12 hours, it's a war zone. Like I just, all my dirty clothes, I literally just throw it. Like when I used to drink more on the road in just a drunken idiocy after shows in the hotel, I'm just literally just throwing clothes. I just don't fucking care about any of it. But she's the one.

No, dude, she yeah but she's the one no dude i she's she's organized i'm i'm i am i'm somewhat organized but in the sense of i just put i take out the clothes and i put it like on the chair or the couch so i know where it is yeah because i've been to a i've been to enough hotels on the road like you have that at some point sometimes i'll have such a mess that i won't be able to find something i brought that i'm like oh where the fuck did i put the thing and i'll leave stuff i've left i've left shit over the years so now now i'm smart now i'm like put it on the couch that way i know it's all on the couch or the chair or whatever and just so i just so i have some semblance of like togetherness in my mind and i hope i hope to get back to that point

i hope we can all all go back on the road and get back out and fucking touring, man. Oh yeah, I keep forgetting too, I have a special coming out. I forgot to mention it this month. I should probably mention that.

Oh, seriously? Yeah. Where's it coming out? Let's talk about it. It's Comedy Dynamics. It's Get Out of Here Devil, April 28th is when it shows up on Amazon

and every place, but Netflix essentially. And then it's on Pandora now. That's why I wanted to mention it. They're doing like a sneak peek. What's the name of it again? Say it. Get Out of Here Devil.

Get Out of Here Devil. April 28th, it releases on- Like Amazon and- Amazon and all the buying platforms you can find online. Yeah, yeah. Like it's like Brian Callen, their last ones were on the same distribution thing where it's like-

Okay, cool. I can't remember all of them. It's like cable on demand. But yours will be don't don't mention him yours will be so much better than his bullshit because callan is a turd no yeah but but but that's uh that's awesome that yeah that you're putting out did you do it you first and then comedy dynamics bought it from you or you do do it with them oh did it with them so they they shot it okay in um pontiac michigan just outside of detroit at a little rock club it was nice dude yeah yeah that's fucking awesome by the way go ahead sorry oh no no i don't even

know what i was gonna say what were you saying i was gonna say uh the the michigan detroit is underrated as fuck for comedy like yeah yeah yeah it's a such a great place for people there's so many places that don't have a lot of comedy venues right like michigan yeah it's a such a great place for people there's so many places that don't have a lot of comedy venues right like michigan doesn't have a lot of comedy venues yeah and it is such a right place for comedy and they want comics to go it's so nice when you go to those places and you're like well there's a fucking hardcore fans out here but just because they don't have the readiness of five different comedy clubs in their major cities you know what i mean yeah i i think like a surprising when when people ask me what one of my favorite markets is,

they're always surprised. Salt Lake City is, I feel like not on the radar nationally. Really? It is the best comedy fans. Like they're so dedicated there. And I feel like people will think of conservative culture, Mormonism. And yeah, of course there's that, but a lot of Mormons will come to the shows. And then also all of the kids who grew up in Utah, who that wasn't for them, and it was too conservative and broke away. They end up in Salt Lake city and they want all that shit. They're going to show up with two, you know, sleeve tattoos and, and all that stuff. And they're going to be ready for whatever you want to throw it, throw their way. It's awesome.

That's awesome, dude. Well, um, I hope we can, uh, I hope we reconvene this, uh, this touring cause, uh, people need, uh, people need to see a good comedy again, especially you. You're a great comic. I hope people watch the special April 28th, man. Um, it'll be available everywhere. We'll put the link in the description. And before I go with you, here's how we end every single episode. I walk away off camera, and then you have to say one word or one phrase into camera yourself. That's going to end the episode. This is going to be a pretty defying moment for you. So one word or phrase.

Go ahead. Okay. Pony play. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires

the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy five dollars for the horse

gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger I like gingers