Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Dan Soder

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

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What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. I am in New York for this episode with Dan Soder. Sodies! Love Dan Soder so much. So very funny, man. One of the greatest I've seen do it live. He's incredible. Go check him out on the road right now. Check my special out, Cheeseburger. It's available right now on Netflix. Tell a friend, spread the word. Everyone you know should have enjoyed a burger by now. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean him once again today. It's the return of Dan Shorter.

Thanks for being on the show, baby boy. Hattrick episode. This is the Hattrick episode. That's right. Sometimes you got to do it, baby. Hattrick episode. This is the Hattrick episode. That's right. Sometimes you got to do it, baby. Hattrick episode. Throw the octopi. What's the octopi?

Is it octopi? Yeah, that's the Red Wings. Throw the octopi. Toss them on. Which, God, dude, you work at that. You work at Joe Louis Arena or wherever they play, and they start throwing those octopi. The guy gets a Hattrick, you're like, ugh.

Come on. Or bringing an octopus in but that was my whole thing because you know like in any la game they're crazy restrictive because people have guns yeah so like you can't bring shit and you they have to have clear purses at all of our events so like if you go to the sofa is the same as dowager stadium same as staples the requirements women have to have clear bags that's a lot of places yeah oh you do do you have to do that out here yeah clear bags i think that's most stadiums well how the fuck do they get in with like an octopus and all that bullshit they don't throw it away they just let them do it i wonder if they show it to them and they're like all right don't walk through the metal detector with it you just have to be like yeah run it through the

machine here's hope i'm hoping imagine leaving with an octopus if there's no hat trick and you're like at dinner i guess at your hand you're like anyone want calamari right you're like putting your wife's purse like can you take care of this please or just putting it on her and being like this stinky bitch let's just say it's not the octopus stinky bitch by the way did you get uh coffee in there or is it just pure cream dude so i found out duncan always over creams by the way a disrespectful amount yes what is going on whenever i go kind of there's part of me that was like cheers yeah because you'll go in a busy dunkin donuts and people are just screaming at me like can i get coffee with cream and they're like i'll give you a cream then you get this and you go

fuck because when i do it on the app i'll do only two creams and it comes perfect. See, I say one all the time because it's almost two is too many still for me. I mean, dude, this is like six. Yeah. I've got it before where I've gone, come on, man. And they go, you've asked for coffee and cream? Yeah. And you're like, you know what I meant.

Yeah, you know what I meant, dude. You know I meant Halle Berry. You know I meant Halle Berry. Don't do this. Don't give me uh what's the fox correspondent what was her name uh uh oh come on what's her name the girl that's from clueless oh oh fucking uh stacy dash you gave me stacy dash don't you stacy dash don't stacy dash my coffee i don't want you to my root off my coffee i wanted holly berry so good well this coffee. I wanted Allie Berry. So good. Well, this episode will probably be out before this is dictated, but we were speaking

beforehand and go Niners for you. Go Niners. For you. For me. For you. Only because I love you so much. My team has been dead. Also, what a record this year. Three wins for the Bears. Ayo! You guys are number one pick in the draft. 100%. I'm so happy about that. But you guys will trade. Because everyone's going to want

a quarterback. But that's what I'm saying. It's still a good number because we've got our guy the dumbest trade with us years ago when you guys went and got mitch trebinski yeah you traded one spot for us i know and we got solomon thomas and then we turned around and got another first round draft pick oh no yeah but mitch was great the bears dude our best quality is fucking it up you know they're trying to fuck it up now. We talked about this before. They're trying to build a stadium out in the suburbs, and then people are still mad about it. And you're like, dude, give these guys somewhere fun to play.

That doesn't take an hour and a half to get into the game. How brutal is it to get to Soldier Field? Gun in your mouth. Really? Dude, it stinks. There's one way in, one way out. It's right on the water. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. But it's also like, give them a place where they can play that's updated and new and dope everyone's got new dope stadiums would you have you been to sofa in la no we'll fuck you up it is that nice it's well i like it because every time the 49ers go there it's a home game against the rams since the rams have a shit fan base um but it is sad dude now they're like would you be okay with the dome in chicago or do you want to be outside in the elements because a football purist would tell you yeah no dome i know i understand but also i'm not a player and i don't know what's going to help them i i don't know i

still would like to see snow in chicago during the game it's the best i think it's i think it's the way to play soldier field chicago it should. It should be cold. It should be. Yeah. When, who did outside? Was it the Vikings? Well, I mean, that's like. No, no, no. Remember when their whole thing collapsed because of the snow? Right. Oh, yes.

That's right. And then they built a stadium outside. I think Buffalo's outside. Yeah. It's great. Green Bay. Shout out to Green Bay. Even though I hate the Packers.

You've never been to Lambeau. You've been to Lambeau? It's pretty magical. I hate to admit it. it no but you know what i don't i'm old enough where i don't care anymore but it is it's done you're old enough where you can appreciate stadiums now well that's yeah when you're young you're like fuck these guys and then you go you this is actually i could beautiful i could have i could see myself having a great time coming here every week it is it. It is. It is really. It's kind of like how I felt like the first time I saw the big house in Michigan. I have no affinity for Michigan. I want to go to Ann Arbor so bad.

I want to go to Notre Dame at Michigan. That's the game I want to see. Yes. Have you been to Notre Dame? No, I haven't been to Notre Dame. Another banger. But Shane is so famous now that I think I'm like almost close to be just being like, hey, Shane, can we go to Notre Dame at Michigan? And he'll be like, be like hell yeah dude and we'll just be on the sidelines like i think we're

glad i think they're gonna let him grab the tea next year dude i'd love to see him scuttle out and grab it i went to dolphins at buffalo and was shocked at how tiny the bill stadium is yeah on tv yeah and in the stadium looks much larger when you're outside you're like what is a fucking college stadium yeah looks like a d2 stadium then you go in you're like oh okay this is but motherfucker those guys party yeah they rage we walk through the parking lot we're like and they have the i think chicago is different but they have like the midwestern that like north that western new york like they're fucking intense about football but also nice so they have like the midwestern that like north that western new york like they're fucking intense about football but also nice so they're like we're gonna fucking kill you

and you're like fuck you guys and they go wow you know okay this one lady came up to us we're all in dolphin stuff rocking it for mcdaniel because obviously i'm a 49ers fan go niners but um we're i was we're all in our dolphin shit we're walking the stadium and this lady was hammered part tailgating and she walks over and she's like are you guys gonna leave if we're beating you by 30 at halftime and we're all like no fuck that we're staying to the end and she goes oh good for you and i go are you gonna stop watching football if you lose a playoff game to skylar thompson and she goes that's just Bill's football and you're like oh you defeated bitch you sad defeated bitch she was just like

well God's gonna shit on us anyway that's why yesterday when I don't know we're watching this like at the end of January but this is the day after they just lost to the Bengals and you just know that like I think most NFL stadiums, you can hear the people screaming in their cars when you see them leaving the stadium. And in Buffalo, you could just hear them being like, well, they tried so damn hard.

Cause they're like, they just been so, a fan base, like Boston was like that before 04. Like just every time they lost, they were like, that's it dude. Fucking what do you want kid?

We fucking lose. We tried, dude. Let's go get blacked out and hit somebody. So we don't know who wins, but I was saying this to Kevin and H Foley while they're, because you just did the episode. Had the boys, yeah. Had the boys in. I said, Philadelphia isn't one of those cities where they can be the number one seed.

Right. You can't. No, you can't. They need to be an underdog you gotta be rocky yeah you have to be like no one gave us a shot right we gotta do this for the people of it's like when you're it's the way it's what happened with boston boston got too good and everyone was like we don't fuck with you anymore right you can't but you can't be you can't go from underdog champions to being the number one hot girl at the party.

Yeah. Nobody likes that. And then expect us to treat you like you're still the underdog. Nah. No. That's what happens when people get hot. You've seen someone lose a lot of weight and they get hot and then they're like, no, but I'm still the underdog.

And you're like, no, did you get a six pack? You're not the underdog. I know. You know what's so funny is I just was down in Austin and I went to go see Segura and those guys. Segura's in the best shape I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, he was never like, it was never like he was crazy out of shape, but like he knew he was out of shape.

Yeah. And then got jacked and is like super thin. You could tell he's really tight. His arms are big. And I was like, keep this up, dude. You're going to fuck a Joe Piscopo. You're going to write a Piscopo. It's a Joe Piscopo thing.

I was just saying that to Bargetzi. Because Bargetzi's in shape now and he doesn't eat sugar. And I'm like, dude, just get fucking yoked. Just get jacked. Yeah. But he doesn't eat sugar? No, he's like me. Like when you quit drinking, all you want to do is eat sugar.

Yeah. And then you get to this point where you're like, oh, this is really bad. It is. In your 40s. Yeah, but you still eat sugar. Like a motherfucker. Yeah, please. But I'm trying not to.

Look, you gave up drinking. Don't give up other fun. I have to give up enough where it won't result in me losing a motherfucker. Yeah, please. But I'm trying not to. Look, you gave up drinking. Don't give up other fun. I have to give up enough where it won't result in me losing a foot. Yeah, well, you're not pre-diabetic. Dude, I don't know. But the way I eat candy. You're a daily candy guy. Dude, I told my mom.

I give you candy for breakfast? No, no, no. Okay, you're not that insane. But here's a great example. You know those hollow chocolate Santa Clauses? Yeah. Right? My mom, for Christmas, put one in my stocking, put one in Katie's stocking.

And then we sent all the shit home. So we got a box of stuff or whatever. There's two chocolate Santas. I fucking take one down. Whole chocolate Santa. Done one night. Katie comes out to the living room. She's like, did you eat that whole fucking chocolate Santa?

I was like, yeah. Yeah. And then last night before the Cowboys-N game i go i'm telling you right now niners win that fucking game i mean that's i mean that chocolate santa and she came out she's like dude you're fucking 40 you can't be eating chocolate but also how much longer are christmas stuff available for it's like i gotta eat that before february but man you get to the bottom of that you get to the like biting the head off you're like yeah and then you get to the bottom and you're like, I'm a piece of shit. Once you get to his ankles, you're sad.

Yeah, that is true. I get so much chocolate on my face. My dog's trying to kiss me. I'm like, ah, fuck. It is, yeah. It's eating chocolate like that is my favorite thing. That's like Easter. I get hyped for Easter now the way I used to get hyped for St. Patrick's Day.

That's so funny. It's not my, I don't, chocolate never was. Like candy and shit is always like, ah, like i have a dessert once in a while if you quit drinking i 100 percent yeah guarantee you well i'll just start smoking or something again i fucking quit drinking when i drank i was like desserts are for children yeah i'll have a nightcap and then i quit and julian mccullough i remember being on the road with julian mccullough just like 12 years ago i was still drinking he wasn't right because he's been sober for a long time yeah and he we're after the show he was like oh i'm gonna get a carrot cake and i was like a whole cake fuck you're gonna eat a slice of carrot cake who gives a shit and he's

like no that's like booze to me because you you want sugar when you quit and i was like that's fucking crazy and i wrote it off and then years sugar when you quit. And I was like, that's fucking crazy. And I wrote it off. And then years later when I quit drinking, I was like, oh, fuck, I want candy so bad. Yeah. It's so good. Katie, does Katie not drink at all? She drinks.

But when you hang out with, when you're engaged to someone that doesn't drink, it's not really, the opportunity doesn't come up a lot. Yeah, I guess. I mean, you know, well, it's also you put it away so much that it's out of sight, out of mind for you. Yeah. And I think that's how it is with her. She's like, I'm not going to get drunk around you while you're just sober. Especially during the pandemic.

She's like, what am I going to get hammered? Like, I'll go out and like get groceries and stuff. And sometimes I'd pick up a bottle of wine. And she's like, it's kind of pointless. Now she has to sneak out, go get hammered and sneak home. Yeah. Sleep on the couch. I'm like, why are you being so complimentary?

She's like, you look good. you look so good you look firm are you fucking doing push-ups again in the morning i'm like yeah maybe i am babe yeah i was fucking sick that you're looking did you guys ever work out together do you know we work out we nap do you exercise i used to you're in great shape. No, I'm not. Really? It's all smoke and mirrors? This is all clothing. Dude, I am so... I'm not like... Fat, but I'm... Because you're both in good shape, though.

We're both just skinny. Yeah. But I hide... I'm skinny fat. Ah, skinny fat. That's dangerous, actually. I know. That's why I'm like,

fuck, I know I have to start... And now that I'm turning 40 in June, I'm like, I got to fucking. But don't become gym obsessed. Those people make me sick. Yeah. The people that spend their entire life, you know, pre-portioned meals can go fuck themselves. The people that do this meal prep thing, God bless. Look, there's one.

I think that's the only way I'll be able to stay in shape. Is pre-portioned meals. I have to be fed like a zoo animal. Where they're like, here you go, have this. And I'm like, this is okay. Yeah. Because I just want to put ranch on everything and i just want to eat like i think if you if you start exercising that supplements me not feeling bad about eating bullshit do you exercise a lot not as much as i used to but i'm a couple days a week at least yeah i used to do it every day if not every other, I would get something in. I was so good at it before the pandemic.

What happened? The pandemic. It fucked you up. And then I just was like, and then everything opened back up. And I'm like, nah. Not doing that. I'm lucky. I go to a little tiny bullshit gym near the house and nobody's really there.

So it's kind of like, I don't ever feel like annoyed when I go, when I used to go to a public gym and it would be like, you know, everyone taking up space and time. And I would immediately walk in and be like, fuck this. I don't want to be here. When I had, when I was a waiter, I could only afford Planet Fitness, which is like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like back when they were doing $5 a month. And if you got there past 3 p.m., you could not get a dumbbell because all of like the

Queens high school kids, I don't know if there was like a deal for high school kids, but they would just be in there. day like three just fucking around and talking shit but using the dumbbells and you're like oh this is pointless i guess i'll go run with the housewives but yeah i i need a place that's completely when i was in college in arizona arizona state probably had great facilities yeah they did no that actually it was really, really nice. So did Arizona. And I was so insecure about working out there that I would go to the old Bear Down gym, which was in the basement of this fucking place. Yeah. It was like this grimy, gross gym.

Yeah. Because I didn't want to go to the nice one where all the hot girls. For us, it was separated. There was like legit jacked dudes that work out. And then there was a section of just like drunk guys who needed to. Oh, really? Yeah. It was like a chunk of the room that was closest to the basketball courts that was kind of for guys who were like intermediate workout.

And then there was like the other side was where you would go to like, that's where all the real free weights were. You know what I mean? It's like our weights only went to like 50 pounds yeah there started 75 there's at the university of arizona's rec center it got built like i think my freshman year so it was like brand new gorgeous nike money they had like 110 million dollar nike deal with the athletic department so they built this fucking facility that was like all out in the open all brand new equipment and then the steroid use at arizona probably at asu was the same yeah i kind of wish i did it looking back because it was just dudes just junked out of their mind just on so much gear just fucking jacked and

then there's like me with like my 35 weights being like spot spot help and then i remember being like um and then gorgeous women yeah yeah yeah just in like two tops just with abs and shit running with their blonde hair perfectly i was like dude fuck this would you ever do steroids now for like i was talking to mateo mateo is mateo is like absurdly jacked yeah and Mateo takes T and then suppressants for estrogen suppressants and then T, which is all legal. None of this is illegal. And then he takes

a supplementary human growth hormone that's not HGH, the one that's like... He takes one that's a little bit less invasive. There's part of me that he looks like you it's just so much upkeep yeah you have to keep doing it you have to work out you got to eat right

i just want to be skinny nate bargetti has the perfect joke about it well i just want to be in shape enough that you can't see my nipples through my shirt oh that's so funny that's exactly where i want to be that's my always my well it depends on how hard if my nipples sometimes get hard and they just poke through. Great. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Yeah.

You know when you can feel your shirt rest on your tits? Oh yeah. And you can like feel it go down and you're like. I want to be, I want, I just want to be in shape enough that when I run after something or jog, I don't feel my midsection moving a lot. When I feel it moving a lot, I'm like, oh no. I want to be in shape where I don't have to do this all the time. That.

You know what I noticed about Stave? I even said this and we were laughing. I said, fat guys, when they stand stand in one place they always have to have one heel lifted up off the ground like they're taking a picture on instagram once we found out about the foot point on instagram you're like damn all you bitches are lying to us they change their hips they're like look how skinny it's such bullshit dude it's it's all bull it's all smoke and mirrors it is dude it's so it's it's impressive though how far girl girls have gone to learn all the beautiful tricks you're like wow man that is science sorcery yeah it is it's magic it's sorcery you're i mean it's insane when you see someone on social media and then like

katie's much better at spotting it than i am where she's like oh that girl doesn't look like that like she's got her chin out like the angle she knows and yeah girls know that shit girls can track it where they're like they're like detectives where they touch the ground and like yeah she's got her hips smoking a cigarette it doesn't add up that bitch is fat that bitch is fat you're like what she looks thin she's like you're a rookie i clocked it the second i walked in you were staring at the cake you had your foot turned and your hips there. It's being in shape. I just want to be healthy enough where I can move around and not die. I don't need to be jacked.

Well, that's a good, I mean, because at this age, we ran out of time a little bit. Being jacked at this age is weird. Yeah, it's weird. Well, 40 is still fine, but 50, when I see like dads, you know, when I would see dads that are 50 and outrageously jacked i'm always like so weird in shape dads with a little bit of a dad bod i was they still worked out like my dad still kind of would stay in shape enough but still had a dad body yeah but it looked good enough where at a beach you were like that dad is in good shape yeah you weren't waiting to

watch your dad peel off right take that shirt off dad dad how could i lose the shirt i mean maybe i was what do you got your dad's like what's this it's right here this beef came right through ellis island yeah i i just want to be jacked enough where i can wear a t-shirt and not feel gross yeah not feel vulnerable about just not feel because i think, not feel vulnerable about it. Just not feel. Because I think guys, you're right, guys in their 50s that are jacked, it's unsettling. It's like guys that are too horny after the age of 45. What are you doing?

What are you doing? You're not supposed to be a fuck machine in your 50s. And if you are, it's because you're broken in a way. You're sad. You're very sad. Yeah. But like, this idea that's being pushed by namely frank thomas doug flutie and whoever else is in that eugenics commercial camera camera i'm trying to see those three guys that are in that flutie who are the three horsemen of the

eugenics it's flutie frank thomas and uh i feel like it's like an old pro golfer or some bullshit like that. Who is the third guy? Who is that guy? God damn it. This is going to drive me nuts. Now it's going to. I have to look it up.

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Have fun. Eugenics pro-athlete spokespeople. It is so sad It's Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and... This is so funny. The article literally says

Eugenics TV spot on the range featuring Doug Flutie, Frank Thomas and then you have to click on the article to get to the third name. I swear to God. Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie, Frank Thomas, and then you have to click on the article to get to the third name. There you go. I swear to God. Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie, and... I'm met by a man... Oh my God. It doesn't have it on here.

Wait, it's not just them. It's a third guy. There is a third guy. This has just them two right now, but why do I feel... Well, T.O. did an ad with them. Do you know this? T.O. doesn't count. T.O. is jacked. count yes jack to is jacked this honestly to knock that guy out in that street fight what some guy like was outside with to and he fucking just smoked him yeah just put him down wait really is this recently yeah this is just like within

two months and the second he hit him i was like that's my that's my wide receiver i love him i love him so much look pro golfer uh eugenics it's them two it's someone else no that's flutie and frank i guess the other guy i think we think is going to be famous is not he's not a famous guy this is just like another guy that comes and says hello damn so it's just the duo the eugenics duo the eugenics killer duo also it's new genix new gen itugenics duo? The eugenics killer duo. Also... It's eugenics. It's funny to call it eugenics. Like Joseph Gerbel. Yeah. You guys killing twins? We're trying to

create the best version of an ex-pro athlete. We've met Doug Flutie. Sexually aroused into his 60s. I met the Big Hurt. I got to meet the Big Hurt. And as a Cubs fan, still was impressive. Didn't care. Was the man. I also... Because he sucks the man. I also secretly loved so many players. Tim the Rock Reigns.

Love those guys. I mean, Big Hurt. Shout out to the Reeboks, the Big Hurts. Awesome. Because those of us that couldn't afford Ken Griffey Jr. You got yourself some box. You went to famous footwear, got yourself some Big Hurt Reeboks. Some Big Hurt box.

I saw him. What's funny is my ex-girlfriend moved to california years ago this is like 10 years ago yeah and she was like being an actress christy brinkley right that's who it was yeah she's doing some bullshit in the acting world national lampoons you guys might have seen her driving next to the chevy chase but she was an actress and she got a job at a as at a bar at like the four seasons or something and she was like yeah this one guy is like i don't know he's like super aggressive he always tells me how much he loves my ass and like he's like trying to fuck me he's like a baseball player and i was like and i'm the boyfriend in new york and i'm like oh yeah who is it she's like frank thomas i remember

being like fuck dude not the big hurt let him have it i know let him have it well now you're his he picks the phone he goes i own her now yeah i know can you send me a bucket of eugenics so i could stay sexually active into my 50s he was the man dude that dude i saw him spilling out of a golf cart his celebrity golf tournament the guy goes you know who that is behind us so who he goes frank? He goes, Frank Thomas. I goes, the fuck he is. I was like 12 or 13. He's like, I promise.

As fast as I possibly could, ran home, because it was at a course near my parents' house. And I ran home, biked home, and I grabbed the Frank Thomas card. Obviously, it didn't have a rookie card. Yeah, but you had a Frank Thomas card. I've got to believe I had a bunch of them. And I made him sign it. Did you go into it? We chased him down two more holes, because he was gone by the time i got back when you went to

the house where you're like it's fucking here you know like when they're looking for something in a movie it's that moment everything around my mom is like cleaning counter she's like babe and i'm gone before she can even see me ryan sandberg get the fuck out of here andrew dawson get the fuck out of here and it's an old 80s music like taking it to the street taking it to my little sister gets in the way i fall on her yeah i've heard nothing but great And then you got it. Yeah, you're like, Frank, bigger! My little sister gets in the way, I fall on her. Yeah, I've heard nothing but great things. He was very, very nice.

He was super nice. And he told me, he goes, years later, you will speak to one of your friends. I will have hit on his girlfriend inappropriately. And yeah, it was almost like he was a soothsayer. I didn't get it at the time, but he goes, I bet you one of your boys, girls, is going your boys girls gonna have a fat ass let him know that ass was mine and i went oh i was working at san antonio and i had that feeling it was so funny he was smoking a cigar and even then the cigar looked big so i i as a kid i thought how big was that fucking cigar cartoon it was a baseball bat he was just smoking a bat it looked like if me and you were just smoking just a giant fucking thing.

Like if they handed us it, we'd go, here you go, kid. Thanks, man. He just tosses the cigar. Yeah, he was smoking a big stoke and he held it like this. So it was really thick. And he had no problem signing, chatted with us. I even told him I was a Cubs fan and he laughed. He said, I'm sorry, which I thought was pretty cool.

Yeah. But I got to meet at that golf tournament because of that. sorry, which I thought was pretty cool. Yeah. But I met, I got to meet at that, at that golf tournament because of that, I got to meet like a good amount of cool, you know, celebrities and grab autograph of LT. LT was there. Dude, how fun. He signed with a Bic pen.

He refused to sign a card with a Sharpie. He grabbed a Bic pen out of his thing and signed it. And I was like, oh, thanks. It was so weird. Cause he had to push so hard. He like ruined the card. Yeah. You're like, cool.

You poked through. Thanks LT. How fun it must have been to be an athlete pre- internet. Oh my, come on. A pro athlete? I mean Jordan, Jordan got away. If Jordan was alive today. They would have gotten away with half the shit.

They would have ripped him. But having kids that you never had to talk to as a pro athlete in the 80s. Yeah. You're like, oh, I got a kid in Sacramento. Oh, yeah, we were playing the Kings. I'll swing by. I think I remember that.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And now it's like, he's got seven kids that he doesn't talk to. Sean Kemp was like, I'm never going to get in trouble for this. No, I know. He came out and he was like, son of a bitch. That was our interleague basketball team for the comedy store, the comedy league. We were called Sean Kemp's kids. That's great.

Because I played with three Seattle guys, so it was Sean Kemp's kids. Got to. The one that always makes me laugh about the most kids is Scott Skiles. Scott Skiles had a bunch of kids? Look it up, dude. What? He's up there with Kemp. No way! Scott Skiles is up thereiles had a bunch of kids? Look it up, dude. What? He's up there with Kemp. No way. Scott Skiles is up there just busting loads of ladies in different towns. He definitely did not seem like a guy that had too many kids.

Dude, Scott Skiles, I'm going to look it up. I think it's something like five kids. What? Scott Skiles? Dude, Scott. Illegitimate, too. He's not with any of them. He just pumped them out, left them in the city he came to.

Yeah, dude. He's a coach. Well, who was it? What was it? Cromartie had like 30 kids or whatever. Yeah. How many kids did that guy have? He couldn't name all of them he forgot who they were maybe it is with his wife i don't know uh scotty skiles was running around he was just impregnating his wife we're

we're just making fun of the guy for having a big nice family because i'm mormon what do you want me to do yeah well that's uh what's his name uh um what's his name mormon quarterback Oh, uh, what's wrong with me? Well, Philip Rivers is Christian. Oh, he is Christian, not Mormon, but he's got a fuckload of kids. Yo, he signed a deal with the chargers where he like, they gave him a sprinter van. That was like part of his deal to, to be able to get his family around. Swear to God. He's like, give me a Mercedes Benz sprinter van.

It's kind of a clutch deal. Yeah. And they're like, all right, fine. He's like, I got a lot of fucking kids. Yeah. It's kind of a clutch deal. Yeah. And they're like, all right, fine. He's like, I got a lot of fucking kids. Yeah. Because at some point that you have to take two cars everywhere. That must be so annoying. When you get to two cars amount of kids.

Gross. If you're not successful, stop. Yeah. Please stop. Cut it out. If you can't afford the car to take your kids around. Yeah. Stop.

Or build a good family business and make them work for you. You know? God, that's exactly what I would do. Yeah, put those kids to work. Buy a farm. Buy a farm and put those fucking kids to work. If you could have a farm, if you were a guy that quit from comedy, you could have a farm. Don't push me.

I'll do it. I fucking fantasize. What farm would you have? What kind? What are we talking? Almonds, avocados, grapes? I feel like I would want- Grapes are up north. Grapes. I could do grapes in Northern California. That'd be tight. I could, Sonoma Valleyrapes are up north. Grapes. I could do grapes in Northern California. That'd be tight. I could.

Sonoma Valley, but that's packed. No, what do you mean? But you could be, but soda wine. Have you guys had, have you had the soda? Have you had the 2000? Should I do, should I do- You have a 2023 soda? Like Heineken 00. Should I do sodas, non-alcoholic wine?

I go, it's just grape juice. Yeah, it's just grape juice. I put it in a nice bottle. You could though. People do drink this a lot now. You know this, right? This is a big market. There's a store in la i went to all spiritless spirits i don't remember the name of it was on the east side i know i know what you're gonna do i love non-alcoholic beer but

that's spiritless spirits are shit what the fuck are you doing i know it tastes bad i tried it we tried it we bought a bottle just because i was curious i was like i'd like to know what it tastes like uh it tastes like a candle you know it's a candle. You know, it's got too, it's like fragrant. It's got too much, there's too much, too much going on. Because what they're trying to do is distract you from the fact that there's nothing really there. Yeah, the warmth. Right. That unlocks the real you.

That's what I like about alcohol. Yeah. You take that first shot and you go like, whoo, he's coming. He's here. He's on his way. He's in the room yeah yeah yeah yeah but non-alcoholic beer connie drinks that stuff all the time the nas he loves those love them you like them love them love a heineken zero don't like budweiser's don't like coors the stuff they put

out behind it can zeroes probably the perfect non-alcoholic beer because it just tastes exactly like a honey tastes exactly like a heineken where you're like oh shit that's a heineken right for the first time i when the work and then one time years ago in calgary i met up with burt burt was at the other comedy club he does not drink he doesn't drink doesn't like booze doesn't like but he was at a bar with his fans and he was like he was in calgary he's like i was at the laugh shop he was at yuck yucks he's like come out the worst names by the way these come but why did canada fuck it up so bad yeah they're like oh knee slappers oh you're gonna come out to have a laugh have a laugh in alberta but they come come on over to tickle your insides yeah to he he's oh it's toronto he he's in toronto but they burt was like come out to the bar we're hanging out

and i was like yeah dude i'm gonna tell you I got a very low shelf life yeah I like I can hang out at a bar for maybe like 30 minutes and then I want to if you're not drinking everybody's annoying yeah you Katie said it best she goes oh you stay the same and everyone gets dumber and you're like yeah that's so good it sucks but I went and Burt

was like Burt's the the best host yeah he really is like him hosting anything and he was like no no the the best host yeah he really is like him hosting anything and he was like no no I'm gonna talk to the bartender and he went talk to bartender he's like do you have anything that's non-alcoholic this guy was like we got the best clow house dirt or some shit and he went and found it imported in a pint glass and it was so good it was so good that I was like halfway through I was like hey Bert are you sure that this is non-alcoholic good that i was like halfway through i was like hey burt are you sure that this is non-alcoholic yeah and he was like yeah and i was like that and he goes come here and he

brought me to the bar he's like show him the bottle and the guy like showed me the and then i had like a hundred of them yeah yeah i was just like oh load up another one because it felt like they're getting better yeah it's like anything else we're figuring out the science of making it's it's anything anything that we had when we were a kid that they were like oh if you're just figuring it out now they're getting so much better at all that shit you're like oh okay fast forwarding tv yeah i remember as a kid being like could you mention if you fast forward through commercials yeah now you're like yeah that's what you do so for me it was rewinding i'm watching movies with my best friend sean as a kid in my in my mom's basement like we would

watch dumb and dumber and a part that we would love we would we'd rewind it over and over and over and over again so if we liked anything that was on tv we would tape it just so i could see the laugh again i was obsessed with watching a scene because i wanted to mimic the movements of their face so that's how I learned how to do anything. Like in acting world, anything I learned was because I would just, I watched it thousands of times and I became obsessed with how they got the comedy beat out. Like obsessed. It was like a little gross. Like the jokes. Yeah. You don't know that you're watching the jokes. You're just watching the funny part. Right. You're like, I want to watch the funny part again. But

like in your mind, you're like, oh, that's the part again but like in your mind you're like oh that's the punch line right that's the joke that's what's crazy i think about comedy right now is it's so um profitable that people are getting into it that weren't like that yeah that people would watch ace ventura and be like yeah whatever it's funny and then years later they're like i loved it i loved it you're like no but there was there's moments you're supposed to go to the bits yeah they're bits the bits the bits but i mean we Like, I loved it. I loved it. You're like, no, but there's moments. You're supposed to go to the bits. Yeah, they're bits, the bits, the bits. But I mean, we were obsessed with it when we were kids.

And now also, I'm a little devoid. It's not old fogey syndrome, but I'm a little devoid of those things in film. Now when I watch a movie, I'm like, man, they're just storming through the parts where you could like really zone in on making it so fucking funny. I haven't seen a funny movie in so long. When you finally see a funny movie. Yeah. It was like, remember how great eastbound and down was like just Danny McBride coming out.

You're like, Oh my God. Yeah. Like that kind of guy that just gives you a feeling of like, I want to watch everything. What was the last movie you saw that made you laugh? In here. We pull a whistle. Hey boys out there, I'm talking to you.

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I want to watch everything. What was the last movie you saw that made you laugh? That was like really funny. Yeah. I can't remember, but there's been a couple where I was like, that bums me out. I feel like I should have,

when I was a kid, every year there was a few movies I was so excited to see. Now it's been years since I've seen a movie where like I seem like there's movies that have great subtle moments of comedy in them. Yeah. Like that triangle of sadness had some really funny beats, but then also it was very dark. Did you see that?

No. Oh, bro. So good. The guy that did force my joy force my joy is also a great movie. Go see it. This like Swedish director. We tried to do that movie here with Will Ferrell and,

and a Julie Louis-Dreyfus and it bombed like it should. It was fucking bad. You can't take their sense of humor and make it ours. No, it's just, you can't, it's just, it's not ours.

Yeah. It doesn't work. It's gotta be our, it's like, it's gotta be our cultural humor it doesn't work. It's got to be our, it's like. It's got to be our cultural humor. When they tried to do really like British humor is so specific that we. Well, The Office worked.

It did, but they made, we made it, we really made it ours. Yeah. Because Michael Scott is such an American boss. Yeah. Right. Whereas Ricky Gervais did a perfect job of just being an asshole yeah british guy but i mean michael scott was a guy that literally everybody worked for that's why that show was so successful because every human on earth has worked for that guy it's also translated that's the reason that it's one of the most translated shows in every other like there's

like right an office brazil there's an office like did you work for a dickhead like that ever in your life like an office job like that oh i mean yeah i mean i worked in retail and fucking the service industry so those guys are more there's more of those guys than that than there are in the office there's like a lot of yeah but like you get psychopaths in retail and in the service industry what retail job i worked at bed bath and beyond what's up shout out shipping and receiving that was you just shipping and receiving dude i was so bad at working on the floor that they put me in the back they were like you just unload trucks and i was like they're coming hungover yeah i worked at the radio station at night i worked

10 p.m to 3 a.m at the radio station so i'd come in tired and bed bath and beyond there apparently it sucks now, but this is like 20 years ago. They would do a thing where you were like, you had to say hello to everybody that you saw in the store. You had to be like, hi, can I help you? I don't know. But I didn't play that game. And I had my shirt on tucked all the time and my name tag. And I remember one time this lady was like, do you work here? And I was i was like no i just like name tags and she goes oh okay and then she went and told my boss and then they're like you can't you gotta talk to everybody and so then i they just put me in the back and i started unloading trucks and that was way better yeah by far scanning stuff stealing it i worked at gap

you worked at gap my first year home from college oh i never went back after that i stayed in arizona for the next three years but I went home for the summer, and I got a job through Banana Republic was hiring, and they took one look at me and was like, you're not banana material. That was when Banana Republic was, because we're talking like, we're the same age. It's 20 years ago.

Yeah, like, oh, two. Yeah, so they threw me home immediately. They're like, go to the Gap. They're like, you're a Gap kid. You disgusting piece of shit. Yeah. They were like, do you even know what khakis are? i was like no they're like you know what three dollar jeans are i'm like you better believe it it's like we i'd send you the old navy but we can't we're full

there yeah it uh working at bed bath and beyond was shitty to the point that i would get caught sleeping in the pillow room yeah where he kept all kept all, I would, I was the worst employee, but they just needed people. Yeah. And it was, this one guy was like Michael Scott, where he was like, he thought everyone cared, which is the dumbest. Nobody cares. He was like, guys, it's back to school. Let's get excited.

I was like looking around. It's just like a bunch of old ladies and me. Yeah. And then like. But they were excited, weren't they though? Dude, they were so pumped weren't they though dude they were so pumped like we're gonna get the backpack display in the front and i was like catch me in the middle eating candy bars because in the middle where they have everything i just sit on a ladder and eat candy bars and i just try to take as many cigarette breaks oh i got caught sneaking out to smoke a cigarette next to jason's deli there's a

jason's deli in the a jason's deli in the park jason's deli baby yeah that was lunch for sure every day yeah for sure and i knew the guys yeah so i could go to their break area i could sneak out the side go to the break area next to their garbage next to their dumpsters yeah and i knew the jason's deli people so they'd be like they were the homie hey what's up dude and they'd be like- They were the homie. Hey, what's up, dude? And I'd be like, nothing. Just walking up, lighting a cigarette. Just ripping grits on my break. Yeah.

And then they'd come back and be like, Dan, we got two carts full of down comforters that need to be stocked. And I'd be like, oh shit, my bad. Because I'd have to climb the ladder and put them all up top. Yeah. I hated it. Oh, dude, you know what's so funny? I did work for a little stint at Old Navy too. Really?

Yeah. Like when you said that i was like you served dude i served yeah stolen valor dog served an old imagine i showed up in fucking uh in like in camouflage in full thing full sailor suit i'm here when do we when do we port yeah that's that's not even the right word i worked the starboard part of the of the store yeah retail retail was retail was really tough folding and doing all that shit i like because all i want to do is have fun yeah and fuck off and so if you met a homie or two that worked there was like kind of nice to just like goof with your friends how excited was it when you had a work friend oh bro my first my first one of my first jobs was at skolnick's bagels

shout out they closed down probably because of us yeah me and my boy sean we would just fucking get stoned and i'd eat bagels and never ever ever make anything for anybody i would toast your shit and put butter on it but if you were like can i have a bagel sandwich with bubba fuck that i'd hand it off to some other dickhead i loved it i'm never making it pudge brothers pizza in high school pudge bros pizza are they still open by the way i think there's i think there's a location or two still left in colorado but the one in aurora me and my friends worked at yeah at the time it was like me mcdaniel worked there did he yeah mcdaniel was a delivery driver for a little bit at pudge brothers but we got good at making the pizzas and it was like right in high school we were smoking

an ungodly amount of pot i mean yeah we got we bought it from our manager josh it had sticks and stems but we'd roll it up do you get so high and then i ran this scheme where i would answer the phones and i'd be like pudge brothers pizza and they'd like make an order and if it was something i knew how to make they're like uh let me get a large pepperoni to make they're like uh let me get a large pepperoni and uh garlic knots and a two liter of pepsi i'd be like our credit card machine is down right now and the guy would be like yeah i got cash and so i would write it on a ticket i would make it and then i would put it with the deliveries and then i would just keep the cash that's that i love that shit like one in every like five deliveries i was just pocketing that That's what I did for Valet.

By an eighth, a chronic from the guy that went up to Boulder. When he'd come back, he'd be like, dude, I'm going to get that good weed. Yeah, I got cash. I never like had money. I just immediately spent it on weed. It's true. That's what I mean. I did the same thing.

I stole from Valet. When I was in college at ASU, I valeted. And we did Bucca di Beppo. So it would always come in groups. Cars would come in three, you know, for a party. Because it was a 25-table party. So I'd rip one ticket for four cars and i'd keep the rest of the money brilliant yeah i stole so much money from american valet shout out american valet you're probably not in existence anymore thanks for funding i fucking robbed you blind look what

you made look at the amount of times i stole money from you guys and spent it on booze and drugs every time i got cash from them that night, I would call up all my boys and immediately be like, let's go. I was so excited, dude. The best part of capitalism is ripping off your boss. Yeah, dude, 100%. And that's why when I see these bankers get in trouble, I'm like,

dude, they're just doing it at a level. They're just doing it at a level. If you have a job, steal. If you work for somebody, take from them. Please do. Because they're taking from you. Yeah. So you take from them.

Everyone's stealing from somebody. Why not you? It's the best thing America does is stealing. Steal. I mean, we stole the land. Right. We stole the people. We've been stealing since this interview.

We're stealing everything. Everything. Take, take, take, take, take, take, take. Not my fault. Not my fault. I'm just an employee. Take, take stealing everything everything take take take take take take take not my fault not my fault just an employee take take take take take take not my fault dude i every job i had i would fucking steal from bed bath and beyond i had egyptian cotton 800 thread count sheets on a dog shit mattress on the floor with no bed frame no maybe a box spring maybe and it just you would think i was in an r&b video in the fucking in the sheets i'm sleeping i stole from every job now that you say that i've stole from every job i've worked at i've never not stolen restaurant

i'm gonna steal oh bro please my first job was 15 at mcdonald's we got fired because we gave away and stole too much shit actually chris my buddy chris the him and i see his fucking face ah you know you see your boy's face but i know chris i remember chris i can't say his last name i was about to say chris and chris and billy billy chris and billy they got they got in trouble for actually stealing from the cash from mcdonald's they got fucked they got so here's the thing about stealing from your work yeah there are unspoken rules right don't actually steal from the register cancel from they did that's math yeah you're gonna get busted you're gonna get busted you have to steal product baby product i lived with a weed dealer at arizona yeah i would he would leave pounds yeah i've been i've been with this guy. And I would, let's say, I don't know, a new CD came out, because this is how long ago it was.

Let's say a new, let's say Speakerboxx The Love Below comes out. And I want to go buy it, but I don't have any money. I'm a broke college student, but my roommate is moving weight. And I work at a radio station, and people need weed at a radio station. A couple of grams here and there. So I go way out a gram. Maybe I weigh out an eighth. Maybe even a quarter if times are tough.

And I fucking flip it for a hundo. Yeah. Pack a couple packs of camels in that speaker box below. And I have, it's steel. It's steel. Guys, everyone at home, please steal. You must, you must, you must. And also right into the show, tell me what you stole.

Oh, I want to know. Because there's so many good schemes. Yeah, there are. People have such good schemes because jobs suck. Jobs suck. So you need to steal. You got to steal. Keep your soul alive.

Yeah, because also you got to think about it like this. The bosses, the big dogs, they're stealing from you. They're stealing your pride, your time. They're treating you poorly. Usually if they're not treating you that bad, but usually they're fucking you over. They they're treating you poorly usually if they're not treating you that bad but usually they're fucking you over they don't give you health care they do like you got to get even a little bit and also be morally just in your theft yeah of whom you take from brand new business yeah and they're really trying and they're good to you yeah don't maybe lay off until or steal less steal less steal a little steal a snack little snackies mom and pop shops i feel are tougher to jack from yeah because you might

know if you work for a corporation bleed them you have no excuse believe you have no excuse not to steal from a corporation when i um years ago this fan uh when i was on you know what dude with bobby kelly this fan like emailed me because i was talking about Hertz and how much the fucking rental car charged, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This guy emails me. He goes, listen, dude, I work for Honeywell. Use this code and you can get an enterprise rental car for fucking nothing. $20 a day. What?

Fully insured. Still got that code? He does. I gave that code to most comics in new york yeah everyone was using it the laguardia thought that the whole honeywell home office was here because we would go to laguardia get around hard you're like i got a fucking full size for fucking three days for 60 bucks yeah so i would use it, use it, use it. And then pandemic hits and I go to rent a enterprise and I use the code and I show up and they go, we need your Honeywell badge.

And I was like, what's up? Who's carrying their badge these days, boys? Come on. When you're white, you have a speed where you go like, excuse me? Yeah. I've actually used this location several times. That's immediately our superpower right is you're like i think this is a problem that's a little rude of you to ask for

my badge so this guy just kept one guy let me and then the next guy was like hey man so i'm just gonna tell you enterprise is on to it they caught five they caught every i guess nationally this was a problem this wasn't just a me thing this was like everybody was spreading that fucking well sure once it's out what was it it was like i think i remember it was like 24 xlj or something you type in the code you know what it is it's in the front of your head i see it it's it's x z 24 h o n yeah or reverse that it's X Z 24 H O N. Yeah. Or reverse that. It's one of those, but that was pretty much it.

Try to use it out there. Somebody at home. And finally I was like, I needed a car for a week and it was going to be like fucking $700. It's pretty expensive for a week. A hundred. And I was like, dude. And this guy was like, I can't let you unless you work.

And I go, do you, is your you unless you work and I go do you is your last name enterprise right why do you care yeah and the guy was like I get it I just I'm gonna get in trouble I was like I ain't trying to get you in trouble yeah that's the other thing I I understand that guy's plight because he's also like look dude I'm this I'm doing this just so I can do my other thing yeah I'm stealing in a different way and you're fucking this up for me. Because I got to help you steal. We both can't be stealing, dude. I go, no, help me steal.

Help, yeah, dude, it is. I used to give people burgers at McDonald's. If a homie came through, we'd joke around and then he'd be like, oh, I'll take one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He would buy like one meal, you know, like for $5.99. And I would just go to the, you know, go to our sliding spot.

Because a lot of times, I don't know if they do this, but back in the day at McDonald's, we would just have guys on the line during busy hours, just make, make, make, make, make. They're not accounting for it. Because you always would see the slide coming in. Yeah, they're not accounting for each one. It's just going to sit there.

But back when it was, if it's not busy, harder to get away with. Yeah. If it's busy, slide and slide. So I'd put four or five burgers in a bag for the crew, but they would have to pay for one. Well, they'd have to pay for at least one little thing but usually i would get my manager if it was a friend lie and be like dude i fucked up i'm really sorry and they'd be like what are you doing and i'm like i i fuck up they came back these people came back

and blah blah so they have to give them like a refund so usually boys would get away with paying like you know 98 cents or something like that for like a bag filled with food. Dude, I fucked that up. I fucked up a scheme. My buddy Joel's brother worked at a hardware store, a big one. I won't say which. And he worked at the lumber. He worked in the lumber department.

Okay. And. Ace is the place, baby. Joel was like, dude, we can go in in fill a shopping cart filled with whatever you want oh my god and then go through the lumber section oh just and dip out oh yeah and his brother andy would be there pretending to be pretending and then you could get out and i was like fuck yes i was about to move to college so i was like i need this i was i bought a waterproof safe did not need it like i need a handsaw dude i bought they bought it they bought a power they got a power washer

that was like one of the most expensive power i came went over one day he was just power washing his driveway and i was like where did you get that he's. He's like, just take it out of the thing. But I filled the whole, I remember this clear as day. I filled the whole shopping cart, like to the brim. Overflowing. Overflowing. And then I had batteries in like the small, where you put your kid or whatever. I had like small tchotchkes and one of them was the batteries. And so then you're supposed to pay cash.

That was the thing. It's like, bring cash. Right. You have to bring cash. This can't be traceable. And I was like, yeah, I don't even have a bank card. So I'm like, I'm there and I'm scared. Dude, it's me and my buddy, Mike, and we have a full shopping cart.

And my buddy's brother, Andy, is like, hello, sir. And he's like, fake scanning it, you know? And then he scans like a couple batteries he's making the sound he's like poop yeah and then he he types something in the computer and he goes that'll be 8.99 and i go i don't have any money and i remember andy's face goes what and i go i didn't bring any money and he's like an idiot that's the whole point and then mike you like jumped up with a ten dollar bill and i was like uh and then dude i got home and i got a call from joel and he's like what the fuck yeah how did you fuck that up i didn't know i don't know why i didn't think that

you're the guy that just shot somebody in heat you know he just like shoots that guy you're like why did you do that he looked at me weird yeah were going to get away with it until you shot the guy. I was wango. I was absolutely wango of that fucking heist. Yeah, why did you do that? I just remember Andy looking at me being like, you didn't bring money? The only thing you needed to do.

That's it. All you needed to do was bring the fucking cash. Oh, I love heists. I know, I kind of want to do it. It'd be so nice. I thought about stuff like that. Like, if comedy just goes away at some point, it's like, yeah, it's not working out. I definitely would rob definitely would rob a bank it's coming i'm gonna rob a bank too well

right now yeah yeah dinner's gonna run out dinner's running out well i want i want to rob a bank so if you're in i would love to rob a bank but i want to do it i want to do it to a bank that's fucked people over like wells fargo remember when they got in trouble for fucking everybody over yes come on man can we clip them i would love to rob a bank. I have the voice for it, dude. You do have a bank robber's voice. Everybody gets the fuck down on the ground. You don't know who we are. You don't know what we're capable of.

Amazing. Don't look at me, motherfucker. I'll end you. Everyone put your phones out. Put them on the ground. But I'll be holding up a sign that says, hey, we used to be comics. We're definitely not going to hurt anybody.

You don't say that. You don't say that. Because then at one point, I'm going to go, hey, Andrew, is this funny? Like laying on the ground is cool. You're working out a bit. We're doing bits. Shut up on the fucking ground, you stupid bitch. Is it funny if I go like, laying on the ground is cool when you're having sex.

You know what? Never mind. Never mind. Go to the safe. I'll work that out later. that's what we both be doing it was like is it funnier if i put them in the safe yeah or if i make them get naked because it was funny i don't know what so to stop talking i'm like i think most i think most uh criminals when they leave their their their mark or whatever it is always them trying to get a laugh you know when they

always do like a little thing with like yeah this is what do. It's always them trying to get one little bit and that they think is funny. So the cop, because they want one cop that's like, this is awful. And then one guy's like. They stuck a screwdriver

up the manager's ass? Yeah, it's kind of funny. And told him to get screwed? Yeah, it's kind of funny. That's a good wordplay. Chief, they took a bunch of Xerox copies of their balls and asshole.

He goes, let me see these. Good Lord. And then just, the guy behind him's like. One guy. Can you see his asshole? xerox copies of their balls an asshole he goes let me see these good lord and then just a guy behind him's like one guy's asshole he's like yeah chief we're on him they left a big note that said everybody can get fucked it was very funny i be funny if you're gonna rob a bank please be funny about it don't hurt anybody nah don't be an asshole pistol whip one guy

possibly the man and you know who it is you see when he... It's the guy that denies all the black people loans. That's right. That's who you fucking... Pistol whip that guy. You give him a little right on the head. I'm sorry, but that neighborhood is not going to like people like you. Yeah. I'm sorry.

That small business loan didn't even... Pow. I'm going to fucking blow my nose. I'm going to get the fuck down on the ground. This is not a fucking game. You just got to hit the one guy. So all those people out there, by the way, it's such illegal influence we have right now. Everyone out there that's doing some kind of scam or scheme.

Right in. Right in. Just let us know. Let us know what you are up to because it would be nice to know. I love it. I love watching a good scheme. Yeah, well, a good scam is always kind of, you give reward. It is funny.

When I watch those documentaries about like great thieves, whether it like you know like great drug heists it's just it's so fascinating to like oh we on the on the plane i said to the pilot i said how long you've been flying he's like 38 years i've been flying small planes of all sizes he's like i've done propeller planes to you know to g550s and all this stuff and i said you know have you ever did you ever come across long time ago, guys asking for, you know, a little bit of space on the plane? He's like, oh yeah, all the time. I was like, really? He's like, oh yeah, brother. Like he goes in, in, in the, in the eighties, he's like, you would constantly get a friend of a friend who you'd meet at a party who was like, how long have you been a pilot? You know, and you'd be like two,

three years. And he's like, does it pay well? Like, not really. I mean, it's a couple bucks, you know, it's okay. It's not good yet. And they're like, well, how do you like supplementing income and putting a couple more bags on the plane? And he's like, multiple times he got asked for people to, all his job was, was when they loaded luggage on these planes.

And by the way, the porters are doing this. They all work for, it's not him. Pilots are doing checkdowns. He's totally ignorant to all that stuff. So he's like, if the bag can get there from a third party and you didn't see any of it, you know, his whole thing was, if I don't have, I don't touch it,

I don't know what's on the plane loaded by a porter. How do I know how it got there? So he was like, they would just coordinate with a porter that they knew that could put it in the butt of the plane because those go in physically right behind you. And he's like, you know, and I i was like did you do any of that stuff he's like i'm not sure that's great yeah what a good answer he didn't know what a good answer i didn't know it was back there i had a couple good christmases um there was how

do you think i my wife's ring huh yeah i don't know you think my son went to upenn because he's smart um my half uncle i don't really call him my uncle, but he's my dad's half-brother. Super into cocaine in the 80s. Yeah, it was good at it. Big fucking problem. Went to helicopter school, learned how to repair helicopters. That's cool. Lived in Aspen. Oh, that's very cool. We just fly cocaine to Aspen. That's so cool.ived in Aspen. Oh, that's very cool.

We just fly cocaine to Aspen. That's so cool. In a helicopter, in small planes. Did you ever get busted? No. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing that some people have those stories. They're like, yeah, I did it for like eight years, never got busted.

Yeah. Just lived a good life. Yeah. And then that's why podcasts and documentaries are getting them all in trouble now. They're like, fuck. No, I know, but it is that it was such a common thing to give it a whirl because the security was so low. I mean,

when you fly into one of these small airports, it is shocking how little security exists. Even today, that you're like, fucking, I'm good to go. Well, it's rich people. Rich people don't have security. Poor people have a lot of security. You see a regular line at the airport? They're like, we're going to make you go through every security checkpoint yeah possible we're gonna we're

gonna take off your shoes and your socks but like you're talking about like i've never flown private but people that fly private like you show up you i remember it's crazy to what to be to even be lucky enough to have done it once it's absurd it just doesn't make sense someone i know was like this is like a couple of years ago, came back from LA and they're like, well, I brought weed and they'd flown private back from LA. And I was like,

you brought weed back from LA? This was before it was legal. Right. And they were like, yeah, I flew private. Yeah. You do whatever you want.

And I was like, oh, but now you went to security, like fuck LaGuardia and got on a private plane. I didn't realize there was just a plane there. The way you had to get away with getting away withia and got on a private plane. I didn't realize there was just a plane there. The way you had to get away with traveling with weed years ago, it was such an operation. They would sell canisters online to try to hide it in old shampoo bottles and all that stuff.

I was so scared. The most I ever took back in the day was like a dime bag. I would take a little bullshit bag and I would hide it somewhere underneath inside 50 other things. And you know what's so funny is you realize years later they weren't looking for it or didn't care at all they're looking for knives and bombs you know who opened my eyes that ari shafir oh well that's absolutely the guy that would open somebody's fear immediately was like what do you mean they don't fucking care why would they and i was like oh yeah well they probably don't since then

i've comfortably flown with a lead. Well, now, no, but it literally doesn't matter. I mean, you know, Los Angeles, you can leave with up to an ounce of marijuana. Which is on the website. Yeah. It's on LAX's website. You can fly. I remember when it made the papers, it said one ounce of marijuana can depart from Los Angeles.

However. It depends on where you're going. If you are going to a location where it's illegal, that's on you there. It doesn't reflect, like, doesn't matter. What if you ever had a bag checked when you land doesn't exist but if they have a drug sniffing dog and it's in some weird you know you know like i went to uh where was i i was in uh i'm trying to scan my brain i was in a place where pot was still like crazy illegal and i was walking around smoking a joint and people were like some dude was like are you smoking weed and i was like yeah and i was going into a bar and he was like i mean the cops i mean the cops kind of patrol these bar

this bar area and i was like what okay i thought nothing i was like i'm just taking a couple hits off a joint it's like if you went back in time when you're on your phone yeah like what are you doing you're like i'm on my phone and they're like what what do you you're not supposed to be on your phone are you a wizard yeah how's your phone out of your house oh you see people like that where you're like oh you don't understand that weed is just it's not a thing and no one's ever gonna and by the way no one did say anything to me but his reaction was like dude that's so pretty illegal here which is nuts like i talked to my buddy who went to he worked in south korea for a while and pot

is big time no no there drugs in general well we land yourself in fucking prison that's what we when we went down to we went to a wedding recently in guatemala oh boy they were like don't do that the second you land the airport they're like if you have weed and we catch you you will go to fucking jail and i was like damn meanwhile they're like beautiful here and there's so many volcanoes they're like we're okay with like sexual assault and all that other stuff but you better not smoke pot here you can move humans all you want but you have a joint on you we'll fuck your shit up we're gonna bury you but it almost dare i say added because i brought like a couple edibles with me and i'd eat an edible and i'd be like i'm a bad boy i'm so bad oh look at me i'm so bad but yes flying with weed i got when i lived with amir

when he was selling weed i'd get aggressive about it because it was you're just going through um metal detectors yeah so i would just put it in a plastic bag in my pocket i'd take everything out of my pocket and it wouldn't smell because and then i just walked through a metal detector and be like oh i got a half ounce on me and go back to Colorado. But when Colorado legalized it first, it was weird because my mom lives there so I'd go there

and it was like the opposite of what we're talking about where I'd be like, hey, you know where I can get me weed? And they'd be like, you have the dispensary

right there. And you're like, oh. Do I have to whisper there as well? Yeah, because you show up and at first, Colorado tried to be like,

okay, we take this seriously. Where's your ID? remember line that line up me and sean patton went yeah sean patton was at denver he was at um comedy works i was at comedy works and he was doing like a private show or something or reverse i was maybe there for a private and he was doing comedy works and we went to a dispensary and bought weed and we were and they called the guy the bud tender that made me upset oh it's so stupid it's like your bud tenders ready i was like busy fucking dork but now it is it's so commonplace when you go places that are still have it illegal you're like you fucking nerds it's so out of touch though it's also like dude bank from this the state's making a lot of money and at least you know in california they make fucking bank because they're just robbing these guys they're giving everybody small business loans because

they're like hey we'll give you a business loan to start this bullshit in la we're going to tax the fuck out of you and what they all learned was they're not making as much money as they used to the state's making bank because they're robbing these guys to open up you know what's so funny as i said there's all these brick and mortars to legitimize their business i couldn't believe there wasn't just like weed carts i was like how is there not like how there's all these brick and mortars to legitimize their business. I couldn't believe there wasn't just like weed carts. I was like, how is there not like how there's food trucks? How come there's not a weed truck? Just pull up like a Mr. Softy.

Right. Just fucking hit the song. I was like, how is there not that version? Because we jumped to brick and mortar so fast. That would be great though, to have like a weed truck and it plays Mary Jane on like that, like. On loop. Mary Jane.

But the ice cream version of it. So it's like. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. You just hear the song and version of it. So it's like ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. You just hear the song. You're like,

weed man's coming. Weed man. Mom, mom, give me 10 bucks, please. I want my alley. I want my alley.

Can I have one alley? Can I have golden goat and a little bit of OG Kush? Yeah. Cause like what's crazy about New York is it's so corrupt here. There's so much bullshit that now they just opened a dispensary at Astor Place, but the other ones won't get open because they want to squeeze every penny out of you. I know. That's like when you talk to someone that has a restaurant or a bar or anything here.

It sounds miserable as shit. They're going to fuck you. Yeah, you can't get it done. Dude, watching the stand try to get their liquor license at first. Yeah. And they're like, ah, we got to do this. Ah, we got to do this. And everything was about liquor license you're like oh shit yeah that's it's a big racket it's a great racket the less you drink the more you see that stuff i'm sure

that you're like wow there's so much of a racket between even i've seen it where i'm like man the alcohol control that the government has on people and this country is fucking pretty impressive i mean like sporting events completely solely based around how how quickly can i get you to get drunk and go pee like how can i organize these stadiums not so that you can have the best viewing experience but how can you get the most concessions in your body yeah it's very interesting to watch someone come to your seat right it's genius don't leave don't leave don't leave drink this yeah drink this i'm surprised they don't have pissers at your seat in stadiums now it's coming yeah it is right like like uh you know on the space station or whatever yeah but it just sucks your piss you just put it on your fucking dick zero gravity fuck it you're like

go bills and then you fucking take it off it's wild dude it's it's coming um by the way there'll be an ad in 20 years that's like did you or someone you know catch a disease from a piss sucker at bill's stadium did you was your urethra stained from a fucking browns game but it is uh i mean you just see like like we're talking about stealing and thieving and shit that's why whenever there's documentaries come out about like wells fargo or whatever you're like oh yeah i would imagine if you got high enough up that you're like well i've been stealing from every job i've had why wouldn't i stop why would i stop now that is true why stop if you're at the top they steal the most they're the best at it yeah they're by far the best i think it was kurt metzger used to have the best fucking bit about i think it was

maybe someone else the bit about playing monopoly and being the bank and stealing from it and he's like so imagine in real life if you're a banker yeah of course you're fucking right right he's like monopoly taught me that of course bankers steal in real life you have it right next to you yeah just take it she's like i'll take 500 and another also the best part is or you or you i saw guys do this that were clever enough if when you're giving money to someone else you palm it yeah they pay it out and they keep it in their hand and then if you keep it in your hand you just pick up your stack i've seen this multiple times where i'm like how'd you get that fucking money you're good at stealing but it's with sleight of hand you should get less of a punishment right if you got if you did it slyly yeah your punishment should be this

that was good which is basically what like the fbi did to guys like that catch me if you can guy yeah they literally give them jobs they were like all right you want to work for us they do that with hackers all the time for sure well hackers are like they're like ah you fucking stole all that sony stuff what are you doing yeah what are you up to for the next six to eight months oh you're in jail you work for us why don't you work for us we'll fucking have a lot of money when you get out of jail i would 100 do that if i was a hacker yeah just go hack something and be like want to know how i did that yeah pay me pay me put me in your version of jail which is like you know house arrest that's what most of them get i always thought

that was so cool in movies in the 90s they used to do that all the time with like i'm not allowed to go on the internet because i'm a hacker yeah hackers was such a great idea but then you you saw like the the then you would see like boards online being like that's not actually what hacking is it's actually very much more difficult writing code shit but dude have you ever been hacked you know my boy bobby lee is hacked right now his twitter got hacked and they're selling laptops wait so that wasn't him no that's crazy people think that dude he fucking can't get it back i don't know bobby well enough but i follow bobby we can't get it back be like four more laptops i'm like bobby what's going on no dude it's hacked we can't get rid of it and we've tried every we tried multiple ways to get

it unhacked we cannot get it done that was just twitter yeah it's still right today it's still i mean by the time this episode comes out it might have fixed it but that makes me feel so much better for bobby We've been trying. Because I was like, damn, dude, what are you going through, bud? Yeah. Because he'd be like, three more. Three more MacBooks. It's really sad, dude.

Somebody hacked his shit and we cannot get it back. And he's brazen about it, too. This guy is fucking brazen. He keeps being like, sending people DMs where people are like, you're not Bobby Lee. You're going to get got. Someone's going to get you. And the guy's like, fuck you. But he does not care.

He'll DM people back underneath. People have posted it. It's it's fucking insane wait he'll be like suck my dick i'm bobby lee now yeah look at me look at me i am the bobby now he is dude the balls on this guy is fucking wow but also they're so good at this these guys that do this they'll never get he'll never get gone but sadly they can fight they're fighting children yep they're fighting people that can't throw a punch no and also i think he's actually convinced a few people to buy that buy which is really fucking sad yeah we people are like you're not bobby lee's like i'm not but do you want to deal on a macbook and they go fine how much ram yeah but these people are like i haven't gotten i've never got my macbook and they've hit they've tagged me even me i'm like what do you want me to do are you buying you're buying a macbook from a hacker online well like by the way best place to

buy your macbook in the fucking mac store yeah go through apple why are you trying to get it on twitter years ago this is fucking like when we were all on guy code when all the new york guys were i remember all you guys were on that shit everybody Everybody. I mean, Schultz and DiStefano were the stars. But Gabrus, me, a couple of us, Jermaine Fowler, Kevin Barnett, we would kind of pop up and have jokes. So many dudes on that show, I forget. It was crazy.

It was crazy. I mean, they had Charlemagne, Lil Duvall, Pete Davidson. They had like... Everybody. It was crazy. So they wanted us to tweet live tweet episodes. Right.

I did not. Right. Well, they didn't pay you for it. Yeah, but they were like, you got it. It was a good look. And everyone followed suit except me. I was like, dude, I can't do this. Because it just wasn't my energy.

Right. I wasn't like, if a bitch gives you problems, do you know what you do? I was like this. It's probably your fault. Right, right right right chances are high that you did it which they used i think they used me in that way of being like well this guy's not cool what's this guy's advice this is for all the real nerds watching right but they were like finally i did two seasons of guy code and on the second season they were like it was in the contract they were like he has to live tweet an episode yeah and i was like all right i'll do it and i was doing it and melanie iglesias was on the show and she responded to one of my tweets and i responded back like as a joke

and then this guy was like fuck you you suck like to me or whatever and i was like thanks man oh yeah bro joking around being like oh yeah bro let's take it outside or whatever and i was like thanks man oh yeah bro joking around being like oh yeah bro let's take it outside or whatever and he came back with my address phone number like in one screenshot and was like do you want me to keep going and i just wrote back no i'm sorry i was trying to joke around and then he deleted it and i was like bro and dude i remember the feeling it gave me on my couch i was was like, oh, I got the pants. I was like, I got, it felt like I got the pants. Yeah, in front of the whole, a whole recess.

Saw your little dick. Whole school, dude. Yeah. At a whole prep rally. Fucking, I mean, fired back immediately. Like, oh, is this where you live in Queens? Jesus Christ. And I was like, ah, it is.

Ah. And then I was like, dude, I don't fuck with hackers. So if anyone's like, I'm a hacker, I'm like, dude, you could beat the shit out of me. Speaking of which, I did pants with my good friend, Matt Mitchell, years and years ago in front of the entire music class. And he was mad for a long time. Really? Well, class just got out.

We were all leaving. And I smoked him. You got undies too? Yeah, I got undies too. That was really tough because I sweat pants in undies. But I don't think I did it this time, but I i had a move i could unstring you and get it i could take you know the tie string the santino one two santino one two punch i could string you and hit you and really work you good dude but i got matt so bad and his beautiful little penis poked out and i would say five ace of the class

saw it and man it fucked him up pretty bad fucked him up for a while if you're not having a good penis day you're fucked dude oh my god you're just your little hood sticking out dude he's like no no no no no no no no yeah i got were you friends after yeah but that took some repair for sure that took a while that was high school is it no no this was a middle school yeah yeah it was tough junior high tough tough real tough to this day i regret it i'm not gonna lie because i got i mean i even did it to the point when like i was behind him and like even the faces looking up at the faces as i was doing it people were like like they felt i saw the sorrow in their eyes because they were like this is gonna affect

him the pantsing dude it was dope it was so funny it was it was how come chicks didn't depends other chicks or top they didn't top any other chicks because they're going through enough yeah i know they're dealing with us i know they're dealing with us they're dealing with our little penises out oh my god dude, dude. How, when someone caught one, the pantsing in middle school is like cancer in your forties. People are like, yeah, did you hear about Mike? He got the pants.

Oh my God. Did he go home? He's by himself. He's shown signs of it. Yeah. When you got, when you get the pants, dude. Is he going to be okay?

You're like, it's going to take a lot, but we're going to try. He's going to fight. He's going to fight it. He's going to fight. He's strong. He's going to fight it.

But man, oh man, dude, because we had this giant hallway at my high school called Activities Hallway. And it was like freshman bench, sophomore bench, junior, senior bench. And if you caught someone in that hallway getting to pants. Heartbreaking. Oh, if someone just ran by, I was like, and just fucking got you. It'll change your. Especially if you were going to gyms.

You were already ready to get work oh we had a guy we had a guy that we had like volleyball in gym class mr gebbie and uh i was showing off i was i was showing off uh i knew how to jump serve i just learned how to jump serve. And dude, this is out of a John Hughes movie. He was so pissed off. Cause we weren't, no one was listening to him that day. And he had glasses and he kind of walked with like a, he had like a slouch to his walk.

He was hunchy and forward and kind of like lumbery. And I'm not kidding, dude. He, Gabby was walking across. We were supposed to be done hitting balls and get sitting down. He's talking to people to sit down i fucking jumps her dude as my hand did the lead to crawl over i remember smoking it and thinking damn that's right on gabby's line and he's walking and talking to people

and it's end over ending and i smoked him in the fucking face so hard his glasses i mean it was like cartoonish they end over ended and i landed and started laughing like an idiot oh dude he immediately ping yeah and everybody everyone was like whoa you fucking asshole he was also our JV basketball coach. So he hated me already. I smoked him so fucking hard. It just brought an image in my head. When you were talking about Jim, it just brought an image of like, I remember how hard I hit that guy.

And honestly, the next day his face was telling, it had a fucking red mark on it. Did you, I mean, he hated you the rest of the time. He hated me before. He hated me before because,

because it was a basketball player. i had i had gotten um bumped up varsity but i also rode bench when i was younger because made when you make varsity as a younger one you're you're not getting on don't matter you got the unis i know if you're a freshman or sophomore and you got those varsity unis that's hot but i thought i was hot shit a little bit. I was probably fucking, you know, sports for some reason, you always get your attitude up when you're like, I'm better than this and this and this. And you're not. You suck. But also, he just didn't like me. We didn't get along.

One of the hardest laughs at someone getting hit to this day I've ever had in my life was we, my senior year, I got university of arizona i'd never been it was fall break i think it was fall break you went inside on scene huh you bought yeah dude i went inside i was like it's warm it's good yeah we gotta go i'm going my it was either fall break or spring break i convinced my friends it was spring break because our baseball team was playing right our my high school baseball team our senior year year, one state, we were fucking sick. I didn't play baseball, but one of our best friends, Joey, was on it. And they were playing in this big national tournament in Phoenix.

And we were like, let's drive for spring break. Let's drive Denver to Tucson. My friend's parents were in Tucson at spring training spring training for the rockies yeah cool so we'll go to a bunch of spring training games we'll see the university of arizona and then we'll go to this tournament game in phoenix and then we'll drive home so we'll do like a loop right it'll be like and we'll be back in denver by like thursday or friday of spring break so we'll spend four or five days so we're driving down there we bring an ounce of weed it's in an astro van it's like an old school 80s astro van we're fucking smoking so much weed we get down to this place it's still in tucson called the candlelight in candlelight suites

sounds it sounds high end shithole one of those ones with the doors open outside but there was a pool and my friend's parents were staying there and so we got two rooms we're loud we got fake ids we're drinking we're being a fucking problem and we're swimming one day it's like the it's like tuesday morning and we're out at the pool and we all were just taking bong hits in the fucking room and we're all laying and i'm laying by the pool and my buddies are there's like seven of us and we're all laying and i'm laying by the pool and my buddies are there's like seven of us and we're playing with a tennis ball yeah we're like fucking throwing it to each other my friends byron and dennis are playing and they're like they're

turning two that's what everyone's doing turn two and they're like flicking it up and someone's throwing it fucking whipping it right so everyone's whipping it and this indian family owned the hotel right and the indian guy did not like us yeah just did not want to run us the room didn't want us there he's right by the way 100 that guy's on the right he was he was absolutely the victim and so we're playing we're fucking playing and i am high as fuck just laid up on this lounge chair i don't even think i'm in swimsuit i think i'm just like shorts and a t-shirt just being like yeah just high as fuck just laid up on this lounge chair i don't even think i'm in swimsuit i think i'm just like shorts and a t-shirt just being like yeah just high as fuck and dennis and byron are turning to and it the ball hits the water so it's in the water and dennis goes byron turn two and like

lifts it up and flips it byron catches it and throws it and the throw is off and it hits the metal pole of the pool and then ricochets off and hits the guy who owns the hotel's wife's ass perfectly i mean santino the wow perfectly right at her asshole like where her asshole would be and she's like going in the linen closet it just gets smoked by this wet tennis ball and i go and i can't stop laughing because there's a wet mark right where her asshole is and everyone's like shut the fuck up and i'm like i'm like burt laughing i'm like i'm like in a fetal position trying to hide my face dude i laughed so hard it got us kicked out of the hotel. Oh, shit. She goes back to the thing and the guy comes back and he's like, what did you do to my wife?

What did you do? He's like, what did you do to my wife? What did you, why did you do that? And I was like, dude, we were just. We're just turning two, dog. We're just turning two, dude. Standard double play. Chill out.

It's a standard 6-4 double play. And we're like, dude. Pujols just couldn't get the catch, dude. So it hit someone else. Get on your first basement. Dude, he kicked us out. He's like, get the fuck out of the hotel. You have an hour to get out of the hotel.

He's right again, this guy. Two for two. He was 100% right. This guy knew what he was doing. We go upstairs. We pack our bags. We load up the Astrovan. We drive to Phoenix.

We watch the game and we're like fuck it game's over one of our friends his parents was out of town in denver let's drive back through the night and we'll sure make the drive but the thing was is a buddy of ours was still down in tucson so we had to drive tucson oh what the fuck i don't know And then swoop back up and then, you know, I-10 to I-25. We're on I-10 right before Tucson. Fucking engine blows in the Astro van. That's what you get. So we have to sleep in the parking lot of the candlelight suites.

We got to the hotel where our buddy was staying with his parents. Oh, yeah, sleep in the parking lot. And then his parents snuck us in so we could sleep inside because we all couldn't fit in the van. And then we had to go hat in hand to this guy and be like- Real shy. Were you pleased I stayed here while we- Sorry about your wife's asshole. While we get the car looked at.

And he was like, no, you can't stay. But then finally he was like, fine, you can stay here. And everyone took off except three of us. So three of us stayed with the van while I got fixed. You owe this guy. Dude. You know what you should do at this point in your life and career? Send something nice to the hotel at the Candlelight Suites.

That's a good idea. And be like, dude, and just write, I'm sorry about your wife's asshole all those years ago. Sorry for turning two. That's all I'm going to write. Sorry for turning two. That's all I'm going to write. Sorry for turning two. Dude, he, I actually am going to look that up. I really would.

Truly, I really would. Who sent flowers? Because they were next to a sex shop. Oh, well, okay. This is what I remember. Okay. Because we were stuck there. I bet you he owns both, by the way.

So immediately, three of our friends took off. Immediately, McDaniel and Dennis, gone. They're gone. They're out of there. They got plane tickets home from Tucson. They got futures. The rest of us are staying there. We're like, we're going to stay with Mike.

His van's broke. And then we're like, oh, it's... And also also we were broke we like couldn't fly home right and uh there was a yokohama rice bowl in the parking lot and then this and then this fucking sex store yeah and i remember we all had fake ids so we go into the sex store or whatever and we're and there was a fake pussy like one of those ones that's like who bought it dude we didn't have enough money you just used it in the store so we were like who's gonna smash and grab this fake who's gonna steal this fake pussy and who gets to use it first well and then those who steal right philosophical argument became well who gets to fuck it and then we we turned on each other yeah

the heist never happened this is the problem with heist guys at home when we talk about heist and stealing this whole episode if you're going to steal lay out these grounders before you get to the location you need to know what the split is you need to know who's need to know who gets to fuck the fake vagina first that's i guess the goal dude we were at dinner at yokohama rice bowl and we're like like sharing rice bowls and we're like okay so here's the reason i should fuck it first sodas the tallest they'll see him on the aisle yeah they're like but we just gotta get someone aggressive to grab that fake pussy right and then bring it on over to the candle you can't steal you're too tall to steal too tall i would have

got caught and we ended up just not we ended up bailing on the whole idea so then we get the van fixed for four days it was a blown piston piston blew blue inside the thing we're like fuck it all right let's go home and we're driving back to denver we break down in santa fe shut up we break the engine kicks again and then everyone's like i'm gonna go walk to get help and there was from the ounce of weed i remember this is the shittiest friend move i've ever done in the ounce of weed the bag that the weed isn't there was just enough for a corner and they left and the second they left i twisted off the corner and i put it in the bong and took a hit and they came back and they were like shoulder and my eyes were cast and i was like nothing i smelled the rest of the weed

they were i i watched mike chad who else was with us i watched my friend byron i watched my friends get legitimately be like you're a shitty dude. You're a bad dude, man. And I was like, but I'm high as fuck. And the car's broke again. You should have let me hit that. You should have let me steal that pussy, dude. That would have been good to have on the way home.

Just a dried, just with all of our dried cum on it. Oh, fuck. Soti, are you touring right now? Yes. You want to plug some Dotties? Yeah, I'm in Sacramento. I'm in Sacramento at the Punchlinebruary 2nd through the 4th uh and then i will be in vancouver lovely vancouver the 24th and 25th um as part of just for laughs and then salt lake city wise guys

dance soda.com love salt lake city i have so much fun every time i go out there man go to dance soda.com go see the boy live i love you thank you for doing the show we end the show the exact same way you look into your camera which is uh that one right there uh and you're gonna say one word or one phrase to end the episode cemented in history forever in that camera number three whenever you're ready oh no and number two and number two whenever you're ready, go ahead. Heist. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.