Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Daniel Sloss: Nothing Is Off Limits | WhiskeyGinger

Episode Date: July 31, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with Scottish comedy powerhouse Daniel Sloss for a conversation about stand-up, fatherhood, marriage, cancel culture, writing jokes that make audiences uncomfortable, and why the best comedy usually lives somewhere people are afraid to go. Daniel has built a career on tackling subjects most comics avoid, and somehow making them both hilarious and deeply human. The two dive into touring the world, finding the line (and crossing it), life after becoming a dad, and why audiences are still hungry for comedy that actually says something. As always, Santino keeps things loose while Daniel delivers the kind of brutally honest perspective that's made him one of the most respected stand-ups in the world. Check out Daniel's latest comedy special, CAN'T, now streaming exclusively on his website, and find dates for his worldwide BITTER tour:https://danielsloss.com Follow Daniel Sloss:https://www.instagram.com/danielsloss Follow Andrew Santino:https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger:https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #DanielSloss #ComedyPodcast =================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Bet on a match and get Bonus Bets for every goal scored in that match http://fanduel.com MARS MEN For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men https://mengotomars.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave series presented by Fandul. Hey, Whiskinge fans. I got one more show, St. Charles slash St. Louis. It's one and the same. They're right next to each other. Come out and see me, St. Louis, August 7th. That's my last show of the year. As of now, next year, I'm going to be bopping around the country.

But come out and see me St. Charles slash St. Louis, August, August, August, August. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. You know what it is. It's Andrewsantino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk. That creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Hey, Joe. Say hi to my editor Joe in that camera right there. Hi, which one? Yours.

That one. Hi, Joe. Talk about not being a Hollywood guy. I thought you got a girthy cock. He has probably the biggest cock in the editing biz. As of now, though. Yeah. Because he's going to get overtaken pretty soon.

He's older now. Yeah. The longer he's smaller? They do. Are dick's Chinese? Do you get smaller? Your dick doesn't get smaller? My dick's huge.

I have custom-made condoms. Do you really? Yes. Does Trojan do that? No, the Trojans are too small. They called you. They're like, we just can't handle this. We can't do it.

You send them a photo. They're like, look, but look, man. To get custom-made condoms, you have to, there's a website called OneFair. You have to print out a ruler, and you have to print out. and you have to get yourself wrecked and you have to measure the girth of your dick and you have to measure the length of your dick and you have to send this company the measurements

and that's how they, one fit. Is he lying? No, I'm on it right now. One fit? One condoms.com. Yep. No chance. My one condoms.

And you had to do this. I've been doing it since I was 19. Just because the girth of your, wow. And look at this. Oh, you're one of their lead sponsors. That's pretty incredible. So these are all photos of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they want me to stop. Wait, and this is like a, there's a payment plan for this. Yeah, yeah, because it's not subscription-based. This is insane. That's insane. I've never heard. Have you heard of this before?

Never heard. Never heard. Regular penis men don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. This is nothing we ever ran into our entire lives. I didn't. So my first girlfriend had never had sex before, so she'd never seen a penis before. So I didn't know that I had a big dick. I thought I had erectile dysfunction.

Because whenever I was wearing regular condoms, it was coming off the floor and I was going limp all the fucking time. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought it was... And then when me and her broke up, I banged a girl like two months later. And she went, whoa! She went awesome.

Although this is great. She was like, this is bad. And I'm like, you're just saying that. She's like, I'm not just saying that. I love Dick. Dick is so good. And this is, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what you're like?

You're like one of those hoop-dy cars that looks like shit, but the inside's phenomenal. Like, it's a white guy, But when you get inside, you're like, whoa, you decked it out. How much did you spend on the interior of this? Is that houndstooth on the seats? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome back to whiskey dinner. My guest is one of my favorite people know what I said.

The problem I guess, but I mean, once again, today it's Daniel's Flas. We were talking about custom-made condoms. We probably pulled that in. And you deserve it. Cheers for years. Sorry about the United States measurements. Apologize for all that. That's okay.

As a country, you've more to apologize for. Yeah, let's start. Tell me what we need to apologize for. Let's run down the list. First of all, look, why am I having a problem with immigration? What do they say to you at the border? Why am I? Why am I?

What are you talking about? Why am I having a problem with immigration? There's not a white speed lane? There's not like a white speed lane over there? Yeah, there should be. Like why, look, if you're going to be the most racist country in the world, number one. Can you be...

Can you at least be cool about it? Yeah, be cool about it. Follow your own book. Come on. Yeah. Come on. You're waiting. We invented you.

We invented you as a country. Let me in. Yeah, but we're messing it up. We're messing it up our way. We're doing it our way. You are like a teenager. Going against dad. Yeah, yeah, you're the youngest country in the world apart from Estonia.

Wait, timeout. We can't be the youngest anymore. No, no, you're not. There's a handful of newbies coming in. Soviet Union places. And what about a couple of the stands are new? Like, South Sudan is the youngest country. Shout out.

Shout out. Lots of places that used to be the old. empire? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. But 250 years old, you're a baby. We're a little baby. You're a little baby. But we're trying. And boy, are you making a saint? Yeah, we're really kind of scared about. You are like, somebody gave this teenager steroids, and he's, not only is he fucking his mom, he's battering his dad, and he's killing his stepdad. And we're like, wait, wait, we didn't, we didn't molest you when

you were a kid, what you do it? Well, think about it like this. You remember when Justin Bieber got like $30 million at 15 years old? And we were like, everyone was like, he's acting crazy. You're like, what would you do at 15 with $10 million? You can't blame that kid for that. America. We got it all.

You can't blame we're babies, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think we're not going to drive the Ferrari and egg our neighbor's house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got all the money. Just very quickly, you showed me a clip earlier. I was just in Singapore. one thing I envy about you

apart from how handsome and... Ditto, by the way. Two handsome boys. Is, you know, you're one of the few white men who gets the pass with accents. Yeah. When I was in Singapore, me and my wife, my two perfect children, we get picked up by a Singapore man

in a Singapore river. We saw a Ferrari on the road. And when this man said the word Ferrari, when this man said the word Ferrari in his accent my wife from mine tap me on the shoulder to just be like don't mother man he was pointing out

ramborgini he was pointing out fucking randlovers with his whole heart he loved cars he loved cars he's a car guy falali falali A, I was, I've never taped an Uber driver in cash. You know how they make films or songs for other countries with different, films with different titles?

They should do that over there. Just sell them as Falales over there. You know, you know why it's called Lulu Lemon. We talked about this on the show. I still think this is bullshit. I know this is a real story. Yeah. But it feels like bullshit, right?

That's the most American thing I've ever heard in my life. Calling it Lulu Lemon because Asians couldn't say Rue Rue Remen. Yeah, dude, that's the inventor. Don't get mad at us. The guy who started the company did that. He said it on a podcast. Oh, he's very blatant about it. It's on his Wikipedia. That's how like he's like, oh yeah, that's why I did it. But also...

That's why they called her Lucy Lou. Just a really racist dad. Yeah, but you know what? Smart, good marketing. Really good marketing. Memorable. Wait, what, you doing shows? She sounds like Scooby-Doo. You're doing shows?

in Singapore? I was. You do, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're one of the only... There's like seven international comedians. Guys that can tour and sell well everywhere. Yeah. You're one of like the seven. Oh, thank you, man. No, you are. I mean, that's serious. I don't think there's... There's only so many people that can do it. Like, American-based comedians that try.

Some of them can get away with it to a degree, but it's just not... Well, so originally, like, when I was super fucking young, the first internet comics of the world were at Pablo Francisco. Oh my God, dude. I saw him live at Tempe when I was... My college girlfriend took me to go see him live. He was... And Russell Pierce, was the two...

Before YouTube was even fucking YouTube, they... Back when Limewire, in Kaza. I love Kaza. Stole so much music from Kazaa. God, I watched the worst porn I've ever watched in my life when I was 14 years old. Some of the worst. Some of the best.

I wish there was a website where it was just all the worst part of it's in the world. And what I could do is I could go, hey, I remember masturbating to a video like this when I was 14 years old. I've never found it since. Can I have a nostalgia mind? Like if I, if I describe this video to enough perverts anonymously, one of them's going to have the video. One of them? I would say thousands of them, dude.

There has got to be a massive community of guys digging up stuff that we loved when we were kids. Heather Brooke, baby. Heather fucking Brooke. Is that one your number ones? When I was 15 years old. Yeah. Heather Brooke. You know what's so funny is Jenna Jameson was kind of like our archangel.

She was like the one. Shut up. And I've never done wine. Well, she's, you're talented. She's talented, you're talented. And you have something in common. She's not still doing it. No.

Is there like a champions tour for her? You know how they do that in the PGA? They go to like this. Like is there a Champions League for Porn stars? There should be. Give them an aftermarket. You know what I mean? Well, now this is a new trend, a very, very, very.

popular trend. Porn stars are on podcast now big time. They're all doing pods. And a lot of them are saying that they're regretting their actions and they want to be, they want all their old stuff pulled off. But it's impossible. Speaking of pulling off. Pulling off. What? She's 52 folks on a new life centered on faith, sobriety, and health living in Miami. Faith sobriety and health. Faith is gay. Everything else I'm on board with. Good for her. Wait, sobriety and health. Good. She's... In Miami. Very Christian.

From there, she doesn't believe in vaccines. I can do it right now. No, no, no. That's why I said faith and sobriety and that health. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that order. And by the way, God will cure me first. 100%.

And then doctors with degrees in science may be third. Maybe third. We'll listen to them out. When it's over, when it's over, I'll go. Do they have a disgusting gritting voice? Then I'm not listening. Also, by the way, Miami? Yeah.

Miami, that's the pick? That's the word. Interesting pick. gonna stay away from drugs, alcohol, booze, and bad habits. I'm moving to Miami. And Benito, I'm Miami. That's like one of the most like, that's one of the most like thick, dense places of like booze, drugs, partying, chaos, nightlife.

If she said she moved to like South Dakota, I'd be like, she's really gunning for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you disappear. Utah? Yeah, but brother, disappear from the thing. Where's your life end when it's over? Where do you want to be? Where do you want to sit in a cabin somewhere when, when, when, when, you're, you know,

Your kids are grown. You and your wife. It's just you two. What's that look like in your mind? Oh, it's Scotland. Scotland, 100%. I'll never leave Scotland. You can't. No, because I really like Tall Poppy Syndrome. I think it's a really important thing. Explain this because a lot of Americans don't know about this. Australians, it's a huge deal down there. It's big, it's big, I would say, in the UK, but... Huge in Scotland. It's massive in Scotland. Tall Poppy Syndrome is like if anyone from where you're from, like, does what? at all, even a little bit.

Even a little bit. Like the guy that goes from assistant general manager to general manager, they're like, take a look at this fucking yag. Oh, Billy Big Balls. It's crazy. And it doesn't exist in America because you all worship billionaires because you all think you'll all be billionaires tomorrow.

And so you want to fucking celebrate that. Scotland is very much and it's the reason why I consider myself to be even remotely a good person is Because when my ego was out of fucking check in my 20s, when things were going well, when I thought I was one of the fucking best in the world,

I would go back to Fife, Scotland, and they'd be like, hot up, cunt. Didn't we make you eat your boogers? You were the kid that ate his boogers for us for money. We used to throw jellyfish at you. What are you talking about? Like, tall Bobby syndrome is like, don't forget what you fucking came from.

Oh, yeah? For a goddamn... Because this fucking city, I don't know how you're still such a pure fucking man. I'm not. We all have egos. This city is the worst than the world. It is. This festival's the worst than the world.

Well, this has been tough. They feed you bullshit. They feed your lines. You're going to be the next fucking... The amount of times I've come to L.A., and I've swallowed happily the sugar in medicine where they told me I was going to be the fucking next big thing. So many fucking... If I lived here, I would be a monster.

Thank God every time I got given that medicine. I got to go back home to the chemotherapy. of Scotland. Cleanse. You're cleansed. You're pure again. Where they'd be like, motherfucker, what are you, what is this attitude? Well, we have, okay, so we have this in sections of America, right? Like, I'm from Chicago.

When I go home, my friends make fun of me just the same way that they did before. If you don't have that connective tissue, you are fucked. You're out in an island alone. And there's been many people. I'm not going to mention names, but I'll do it. Okay. We know many people who like didn't have a network of real

solid core, either family or friends. You don't have to have both. Some people have no family. But if you have to have people you grew up with or still keep in touch with, that kind of pull the... Go, come on, come on. People that knew you when. They knew you when. They knew you when

and they know you now. So no matter how fucking big the whispers in your ears will tell you to be, they go, shut the fuck up. Like, I'm really grateful that a lot of my close friends are people that came to like my first or second ever gig. Crazy.

Like they remember me performing to fucking four people. So they're proud of me. Yeah. And they celebrate me. And my friend Jean, my friend Ali, like, they are so proud of me. Anytime I get too big for my little fucking booties, they're like, come here, motherfucker. Lend me your ear, you piece of shit. But it levels you out in a good way.

Really good. My wife, my perfect bitch wife. She mocks you. Oh. Good. But my wife is my biggest fan. I will never have a better gig in the world than when I know my wife is in the crowd. Because I know me having a good gig makes her horny.

And I want to make her horny. And she doesn't like the fact of me having a good gig makes her horny. So there's a forbid, like, it's a real. Oh, it's the best. My wife doesn't like feeding my ego. Because she sees my ego when it's other words. And she also sees my deep insecurity. for the rest of the fucking time.

Yeah. So there's part of her that when I have a fucking good gig and she's in the crowd, she's like, she's in the crowd and she's like, that's my fucking man. That's hot. It's the hottest. See, that's funny.

There's two ways, though. Some people get very nervous when friends and family and wives and, you know, partners are in the crowd. I get, I'm 50-50. Certain shows I really want, my wife there, I want good friends there. Certain shows, I'm like, I just don't.

But I don't want to let, my attitude getting the way, because occasionally you get off stage and you're like, it didn't go the way I want. It was still a great show, but there's things that miss, and then I don't want to do that thing. I can have a fucking great gig,

and I'll walk off stage, and my wife will be like, you hate that, and I'll be like, yep. Yeah, I know, they know. Because my wife is the only person in the world that part of me who has seen me do 400 fucking gigs.

So when I have a good gig that I fucking hate, audience is like, I thought it was great. I was like, cool. You've seen one of 5,000 shows I've done. I've seen 5,000 shows that I've fucking done, and this is in the bottom

fucking 50, and I know it went well, and I know people laugh, and I know people laugh, blah, blah, blah. But it's in the bottom fucking 50. My wife is the only person that has that understanding really of me. Of what the real story is. She's seen me come off stage to standing ovations and be like, you hate every second. I was like, I hate every second.

What is that about us? Why do we have that bug inside? What is that thing? Perfectionism? We've got perfectionism. Neil Brennan had a fucking great term yesterday, which I'm going to forget it, watch his podcast. It's a different type of narcissism, which is like hating yourself is a different type of narcissism.

It's not loving yourself, it's hating yourself in such a pure way that you want the fucking basis. The second he said it, I was like, oh my God, you've diagnosed me. Well, he does this all the time. We talked about, Neil says, drop nuggets all the time. We'll be on the phone. We were on the phone a couple days ago for like an hour and a half about. He talks about, he finds something scientific and then

brings it to our world. Like, he talked about lectin. Lectin, I think, is what it's called. Lectin is the chemical in your stomach that tells you you're full. And how like, evolutionary, because of evolution, we have surpassed, right? Isn't that it? We've suppressed lectin, especially as gorging American gluttons or whatever because we have food access. So we eat, neat, neat, neat, neat, neat, neat, neat, and eat. And we eat. And we've we've decided how big the plates get. And that's how big my meal is. But we've kind of like suppressed lectin.

And he's like the funny thing is some people in our business, it's like they have no lectin anywhere in their body. They don't know what's enough or when is it good or if it's just, there is no signaling. Because if you suppress lectin when you're eating, right, you overeat, it's, it can't handle all that weight. So then you'll start to gain weight and you're eating too much. And then that won't even satisfy you. And he's like, that's the same trick we play with our whole body.

because comics, performers, entertainers don't really sit in it slowly? You're as fast as you can? We sit in our failures way longer than we sit in our successes. Fuck, yeah. Successes, you've got to go home. I've got to get out of here. Yeah, you have a fucking good... I have a good gig. I go home. Sometimes I'll, like,

if it's specific if it's new material, I'll listen to the new material when I'm driving home in the car. Just like, fucking... Doesn't that give you anxiety? No. Oh, see, if I listen to it right, if I listen to it right away, I have to wait a couple days and then I'll listen to the set. No, the longer I wait,

the more I hate myself. Oh, that's interesting. So, like, the fresh when I listen to it, I'm like, fucking, you know what, man? Well done. Like, you went out there, you did it all.

I would, the saddest my wife has ever seen me, and I'll never fucking forget this. It was during fucking COVID, like, I'm learning about the fucking algorithm and how the game's fucking changed. My wife is outside, and she comes.

comes in and she's like, what are you watching? I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, I've never seen you angrier. Like your resting face was so filled with rage that like I assumed you're watching the Holocaust. Right, right, which we do pop on once in a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to check the numbers.

I want to count them. By the way, autistic kids who love trains, I mean, the Holocaust is a big, it's a big, big deal for those. Is that a B-1465? Yeah. Why are 60% of Jews autistic? Who can know? What were you watching?

Me. Oh my God, that's amazing. I was watching, I was watching my own special to try and find clips to foot over the life. And she was like, it makes me so sad that that's what was filling you with your own fucking rage. Yeah. I can't watch myself.

But while he's sitting on a thing, we haven't cut up. the old special at all and I he's sitting on it for months and months and I'm just waiting I know he's waiting for me but it's hard I just it's hard to go back to it to look at it because you're like look at you you just let me do it I don't get a idiot you dumb piece of shit now on the on the contrary what do you know you're going to watch it's going to make you feel good like what is the thing we did this with O'Connor last night I go what's going to make you feel good at the end of the day if you're like I want to watch something it's going to make me laugh incessantly yeah or just take me out of this machine and first of all I like I like

sappy shit I can be a little I can be a little I can be a little I say this with all. I'm the gayest man in the world. Brother, don't even get me started. All I want, I make sure that my Instagram reels are just children asking their stepfathers to adopt them. Fuck. Deaf kids being given hearing. Cochlear implants for the first time.

That's one of my favorite videos that ever exist. That's what I said last night. In chroma glasses. Oh my God. Color blind fucking big, strong man being given color for the fucking first time. It's so they can be racist to the, the fully stand in the wall. I don't like that color at all.

I thought y'all were the same. Literally, I was over the road just having a fucking coffee, and I watched a four-minute video, and I'm crying in this cafe across the fucking road. Kids buying their fathers, their dream car? Oh, yeah, come on. My God. And the way that the dad does it, too, the way the dad's like,

what is this, Mark? Mark, what is this? It's your car, dad. Come on, what do you come on. And it's the son of a boomer, so they don't know how to express their feelings. No. They're the most traumatized generation in the world

because they're like, my dad never hugged me. And you're like, that's awful. It's really sad that that's true. Don't, don't, that's not the rule for life. Right, right. Parents should love their children and they should celebrate them all together. I'm really sorry that your dad never told you.

So it's just this person who's like, they've broken that generation of thought. Finally. They've said it to get. but they still don't know how to be loved. Yeah, it's hard. Seeing a 65-year-old man who never ever was told I love you by anyone,

be told I love you in a physical fucking way, and their inability to process it makes me fucking wait. It is magical. But I love you. I tell my dad, I love my boys, I love them. I say I love you a lot. I say I love you when I hang up every time. Yeah, I think it's so important.

Well, because you got to, yeah. Also, I do. Like when someone says, I love you, it's like, I feel for you more than I feel for the random person on the street. It's not that I have no care for everyone that walks the road, but when you have any sort of connection, you're like, you know, I do love you. Like, there is a thing that is going to always, you know? Like, the lack of you would make my life worse. It'd be a bummer. And I would, and I don't know, maybe I wouldn't feel it every day.

But there would be moments where profoundly I would mess you, not necessarily being in my company, but being in the world. The idea that you exist. The idea that I get to exist in the same timeline as you, and we get to beat this together. Incredible. Buddy, I love you. Yes, see, beauty.

That's beauty. Yeah. And sometimes it does pop into your head. I texted Mark Merrin yesterday just to say hello. I said, I was thinking about you. I haven't seen him around in a while. He's been on the road. And his response was perfect.

It was just to go fuck yourself, which I loved, dear. I said, man, I miss seeing you around, hope you're well, and it's a big, go fuck yourself. Then a five minute pause and then a, hey, buddy, I'm in Salt Lake, da-da-da-da-da. That's the love that I, that's the love that I love that I love. Especially like that, with comics, when you know comics for a while and you don't see people, because you're very successful, man. You tour all the time, you're on the run,

and if it's not that, you're with your family. So you just see each other less and less and less and less and less and less, and it kind of fades away. And you forget, you don't realize how much you fucking miss it. Like, I really like being a, After my daughter was born, I took a year off, and I was just like, I'm just going to be in normal doubts. I'm just going to fucking hang out with other parents,

and live a normal life and being like just Scotland and just exists as a human being. And it was really fulfilling, and it was really great. And it was really good to just fucking befriend normal people who don't hate themselves, who don't drink themselves today. Who are also, they are also really funny, but they don't have the narcissism in their funniness

to think that it deserves to be the center of attention. They're fulfilled. They don't need the other thing. Martin, some of the funniest people in my life are non-coms. Oh, my funniest friends are 100% would know. Non-coms. Yeah, and they would. Because why would they?

No, they feel good. Getting to exist in a world of like, just for me, other parents, because nobody wants to talk about your kids as much as other parents when I talk about their kids. So sometimes all I want to do is hang out with other parents. So we can just love our children in front. of each other, I miss racism. When you're with comics, the game is,

how can I shock the unshackable? And I don't mean anything. None of it's real, but how can I say the worst thing that's gonna make a professional comic of 20 years ago, I beg a pardon? What did you say? What did you say? Fucking, how did you put two hours in it?

I like fucking with comics I went to one of those Netflix things my favorite thing to do of a comic I know is very insecure and we all are but my favorite thing to do is to look at someone and scan their body a bunch and go you look like you look like you're healthy

you look like you're filling out you look good and then they go what do you mean no no like you're like you're all there like you look really good and I know they walk away going what is that is that like a fat thing

what is that like a fat thing? What did you talk about? And they just, it like ruins their afternoon. And I did it a few times. And I could see people's face like, what does that? What do you mean? Adam Devine, I think I tagged him good. I go, you look healthy, dude.

You look pretty, you look like you're like a dad now. And he was like, what? My favorite one, you're in a green room. Somebody goes on and objectively smashes. Like, it's undeniable they smash. They come back into the green room and you go, how do you think it went? Oh, my God, dude. That's so fucked up.

Did you like that? Was that good? Did you like that? Did you record it? Are you going to listen to it? Fucking with comics. No, shattering someone's reality. It's like,

they're like, do I know? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. It's good for you. Yeah, I just meant like you, that's, I don't know what your standard is or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have different standards.

I expect better of myself, but if that was good for you, then great. That's good. The phrase good set. My favorite thing is to just say set when someone comes off and go, sat. Oh, it hurts. Sat, dude. You did it.

Stings. And then you're thinking about it. You're in your notepad being like, what is that? Fuck that. That was good, right? What is he nuts? Stays with you all night long. You can't get away.

Wait, you said you took a year off for one kid. You'd take it for the other one or no? The other one didn't get the year. So with my son, when he was born, I needed money for him to fucking live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though he was eating from my wife, I was like, She needs to eat women. And very quickly,

I love my job. I'm very grateful for my fucking job. There's no way to do this job without travel. And I really felt like with my son, like I was never away for like weeks at a time. But like even just the weekends or like the five days away, it felt like I was coming back to his different kids.

And I felt like I was missing. Like, look, when he's fucking 13 and she's fucking 11 and they have. hate me, who gives a fuck? I'll tour for a year. Fine, yeah, that's good. Because I can explain to them. Hey, do you like your fucking awesome house? Yeah. It's because daddy's good at what daddy

does. But when I talk to parents, the thing they say is like these are the years that you never get back. The young ones, yeah. And these are the formative years, these are the ones where it's like it's not necessarily the most

fulfilling because I think all of parenthood is deeply fulfilling, but this is the ones where, you know, you plan a seed and you see it grow, and you see it grow so quickly, and you see these parts of your children that, you know, things about yourself that you fucking hate when your kids exhibit them, you love it because it makes them unique and different.

And having kids teaches you to love yourself in a way that a therapist has never successfully done for me. Never, ever. So with my daughter, I was like, I want to, you know, I took my wife on tour when she was six months pre, pregnant around America on a tour bus with a two-month

two-year-old kid it was the greatest time of our life you tell a two-year-old that he's going to live on a bus for two months Stubbed amp.

Buddy. Yeah. The run of the mill dude, how fun. Cocaine would have been less or two months. Right, right. It would have fucking...

Cocaine would have bummed America without fucking reality. My wife at the time of my life we got to really actually be in America as opposed to

touring is waking up at 7 a.m. getting to an airport, fucking layovers, whatever. You don't see any part of the world. No. In a tour bus? You see it all. They drive you through the night.

We got to be in America. Now, I will criticize this country until the ends of this earth. Yeah. I love this country. Yeah, of course. I love this country. Yes, we need criticism, though. That's a good thing.

You don't criticize things you don't love. No, no, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this country so very much. I love all of that. I love all the different parts of it. I like experiencing. My wife loves it.

Like when we get to share this country with our son, do you know how good as a nation you guys are at, like, science museums? For a country that doesn't believe in science. Like, to get to, like, experience this country fully with my kids. When I'm touring in October and November, I'm doing a tour bus with both of my fucking kids again. Wow. Because I want them to, you know,

I want them to understand that America is not what you see on the news. It's not what you see in the voting boots. America is a continent that thinks it's a country. That's right. Yeah. But we're actually... You're not a country. We're 50 countries.

The biggest line... Probably more than 50 countries. The biggest lie in America is the first line of your country. United? Yeah. What are you talking about? Not even a little bit. What are you talking about?

No, we hate each other. You've not even been united since the start. Yeah. You're the states of America. Because you're all in a fucking state. Right, right. There's, what are you talking about? No, it's true.

We have not, we, you've never been united. Well, we hate each other within our own states. Like, there's a battle. San Francisco doesn't like L.A. I talk about that all the time. They make fun of us incessantly. Like, different parts of one state don't even like each other. We just have different opinions, views.

Like, what am I saying? L.A. to Orange County has got to be, what, 40 miles? These are two completely different worlds. West side to the east side of L.A., but this is still an L.A. thing. We still have that. I still love the LA core of LA. It still is two different sides. I do. I've been here for 20 is my 20th year. I love so much about Los Angeles. I dislike a lot of it as well. I think I think Israel's doing a genocide in the wrong city.

Bring it over here. Get over here. Boys, get over here. I love the people in this place. Yes. Well, the people are why we're probably still here. I would nuke this fucking city off the face of the planet. Well, where would the center point be though? I need to know that. Oh, nukes are big now. I can do, oh, that's a good point. Okay, where am I?

Where's the eye of the story? Yeah, where are the most Asians? No. In this studio most days? Oh, the biggest, like, as a Scott growing up in like American culture and then coming out and experiencing LA, and just the conscious shock of what we've been sold in movies, what it is. Two big six.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame. Oh, God, yeah. The start, when I tell you, I grew up thinking, like, that street was Michelin Star Restaurant. Paved in gold. Like, it's the state. The stars are wandering through. The stars are walking over the wrong fucking name. Right, right.

I saw a black Spider-Man jerking off. Oh, we know him. That's Marcus. We love that guy. Good friend. Friend of the show. Within, within 10 minutes of being on this. And your kid is like, is he spinning a web? You're like, he is actually. He's spinning a web right now. Spitting a web of truth and lies. Yeah, that's the most disgusting part of Los Angeles by far. Hollywood. Because I thought, because when we from outside of America, even outside of L.A. think of the whole of, whenever we're seeing these photos, it's celebrities, with the fucking star.

You think it's the most start, the fucking China Theater, wherever the fuck is. Chinese theater, yeah. Like, you think this is where the red carpet is. So surely during the day, it's just

Scarley Hanson is fricking herself at the side of the fucking roads. After having a beautiful fucking meal. Snoop dogs just fucking smoking, and hanging out. No. Nothing of the start. No, it's the saddest place.

It's the saddest. It's the saddest place I've ever been. And all those stars avoid that place now. Now there is no pride in going to these old Hollywood nooks. They don't even exist. A lot of them don't even exist anymore. You know, they've torn them all down or they're now or now they're all like production studios and buildings have all changed. I mean, they sold, all the studios are for sale. I think we're going to buy a studio, right? Do we have the money? Yeah, they're like 10 bucks. Ten bucks? Take it out a loan. Yeah, it's changed. It's not the same.

I think it's L.A.'s focus on cloud versus culture now. Cloud over culture. Yeah. Culture. But L.A., to defend it. has so much rich depth. You're just seeing one little piece of it. There's so much great culture here. Yeah, but the depth is mostly rape. Historical, sexual. In Hollywood.

Yes. But you go outside of it and you're good. Okay, okay. You go to the east side is great. You know, like all these Mexican communities that like takes so much pride in this city that L.A. doesn't show or care about. And if they do, they give it a heartbeat of a chance in Hollywood

and they throw it in the trash. I'll never understand, like, the Americans racism towards the Mexicans I would love to share a border with Mexico you're bringing me that foot at 3 a.m. Come on over. I think Scottish Indians

and I say this is a white man so I could be very wrong I think Scottish Indians received less racism than English Indians because the Scots were just so grateful that they bought us curry it two in the morning and really like We were just like, what do you mean you're flavoring meat? Spices?

What do you mean? What is this? Like, Mexican food, specifically in this fucking city, is the best here. It's so unbelievably good at any time of the fucking day. And I'm like, you hate these people? The reason Scottish people hate Polish people is, what do you mean you brought us cabbage?

Where he had? Piggled cabbage? We had it. Fucking finish the driveway and fuck off. What are you talking about? You're not bringing any cold. you're here, your songs are stupid, your women are perfect, thank you very much.

They're too religious, but by the bye. But you're not bringing over fucking the worst dumplings in the world are from Poland. Would you mean you bring this over fucking here? You have these people that come

and make you the freshest, spiciest, the best fucking food. Delicious. And you hate them? We love them. But some people hate them. I'll never understand it. Well, we love them. I think it's because people,

inherently all over the world, people are afraid of what they don't know. And America has this thing. And America doesn't know anything. We don't know anything. We don't know almost nothing. You know the least of any kind of in the fucking world. You guys listen to the world news?

We don't listen to our news. No. Isn't that crazy? Also, your biggest news channel legally is not a news channel. Fox News is legally classified as entertainment. The reason Tucker Carlson got away with all of the bilious lies that he fucking sputes.

It's not journalism. Because it's not journalism. In a court of law, his lawyer was like anyone who believed what this man said on the news is an idiot. Because it's not the news, it's entertainment. That's crazy.

It also helped blur the lines. Well, it's insane. It blurred the lines now that all entertainment is journalism and all journalism is entertainment. There is now that helped everyone blur. So now you don't even know. Now there's people that lie say their journalism. journalists go to like a hotbed of like a protest or or anything that's politically charged

and they claim their journalists. Yeah. But nobody can say you're not. You know what I mean? It's like saying like there is no way to prove it so they go they're a journalist. No, they're just harassing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't matter anymore.

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Do you like that? I would. That's hilarious. I told you, I go, when is he going to notice? I go, I'm going to pour him and kill Tony. for you, just for fun. Fucking... Dude, sometimes I do little tiny bits throughout the day.

My nose isn't long enough to look down enough at him. You hate everything about that world, huh? Despise it. Yeah. Despise it. No, you give no credit to it finding young comics? No, because it corrupts young comics. What about Cam Patterson?

Okay, let's talk about the guys that come off. Okay, okay, okay. There's some hits. Excellent point. And I've spoken to Cam's, because I think his... You don't talk to black people you told me. I... Oh, my nose.

It's brewed some wonderful things. It has. And Cam Patterson's journey into S&A, I watched him, I got to watch him, like, so genuinely fucking crushed. Because I think I had very ignorant opinions on him. Sure. Because he came from the pit. Right?

I fucking hate it. You hate it. Because I, and I have friends that have done Kiltoni and it's changed their careers. It does. It does. It's big and it's popular. It is. It's fucking, you know, it's a cancer in this country, but that's fine.

We love cancer here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because insurance is hard to get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's more money for everyone. Yeah, baby. When I saw Cam doing the Kiltoni spots, I certainly, I thought he was great. But I was like, oh, he's going to just be in this world, which is this huge echo chamber.

where certain stuff is reinforced and other stuff is discouraged and what is discouraged is creativity and being genuine and being actually funny. He hates it so much. And then I saw his S&L stuff and then I saw him at the fucking seller I was just I was there in fucking November

buddy when I tell you he killed. He's a star. He's unbelievable. When he came on this show when he was a star. And you know what? Because he's shaken off. Yeah. He got the stank off of him. Well he was, he's just an independent comedian.

He just wanted someone to show his ability. Yes. So this is where I'm playing devil's advocate, right? I don't hate it the way you hate it. I think it's very funny that you hate it. I love it. I love a lot of things about what those things find. I hate a lot of things about... Arir Mati... Fantastic. Ari Mati, I knew when he... He was just the biggest comedian in Estonia. Yeah. And he was learning to comedy in English. Ari is one of my oldest friends in the world. He's fantastic. I love that fucking boy. When I saw that clip come up with him smashing it and

fucking kill Tony. I was so tough for him. him. Because my boy is doing the hardest thing in the world, which is to be a foreign comedian succeeding in America. This is the hardest nut to fucking crack. When we talk about stand-up, this country invented it. This is the country of stand-up. It invented it, it perfected it. 90% of the greatest stand-ups that have ever lived come from this country. 90% of the greatest comedians in the world from this fucking country. You are the country of stand-up. And it's one of the Few good things you've done. Apart from, you know, bombing Japan out of imperialism.

Like, I, to, even as somebody who is marginally successful in this country. You're very successful. The biggest goodos to me. To succeed here will always be the biggest thing to me. Like, I cannot believe that I sell out there. It was here. Like, this country where Staling was born and fucking made is, like, man, it's cool to fucking be a celebrity in India. Like, I love that. I'd want to be a Bollywood star.

Yeah, yeah, that's all. Like, I like being famous in fucking India. I, you know, I like sailing tickets to 5,000 people in fucking Moscow. That's a really cool fucking thing. Very. To sail out a theater here and to be able to tour this country is like, uh, uh, for Ari to blow up and you fucking, I want that. So that's why I find the good in the other side of it. That's my devil's advocacy is like, that show does do wonderful things. I get. I get your point of contention.

I know what you don't like. Yeah. I do like so much about it. But I do hate stand up in general now a little bit because it's because it's been and it's not that show. It's more my bother comes from. People see that show, young comics, and they emulate it and they want to be on it and try to do what it is.

And I'm like, we used to just try to figure it out on your own. You kind of, it was like Rubik's cubing where you're like, dude, don't watch a tutorial. Try to figure it out on your own. Kill Tony is for stand-up comedy what porn was for us, when we're 13, which is like, oh, girls like their face being cummed on. Because in every porn I watch,

girls like their face being come down. And then you have sex with women. And they're like, what do that. Don't do that. That's what Kill Tony is. No, woman wants their face come down. Well, they definitely don't. They don't.

They never want it. My wife loves me. My wife loves my cum. I gave her two great kids. Right. She doesn't want to come on her face. No, she has to use her face. That's her face.

Yeah, that's insane. Yeah. And why would I cover her beautiful face? No, and also, if somebody touches my face, somebody touches my face, I have a panic attack. I don't want to come on it. If I touch my, the, I consider myself, look, I'm straight, but I can acknowledge when men are fucking attractive. I've kissed men in my life just to check.

Have you? Yeah. Just to test. Yeah. Putting your toe in the water? How do you know you don't like broccoli if you haven't eaten broccoli? Mm. I think.

Well, I tell you what? Broccoli is a trick, because it does look like shit, but you're like, this is pretty good. Man, regularly throughout my 20s, I would say every two years, I would intentionally... Kiss a guy every two years. Just to see... Because I... Man, I like a fucking digger out of the arse.

I'm close. Sure. No, that's not... That's... A digit in the ass is actually... It's our secret. What do we say? That's like when you find the flute in Super Mario Brothers? Whoa!

I can't believe it. That's there. Like, look, look, I've always loved women. I've always been in fucking attracted to women, but I'm like, you've got to check. Right. You got to check. Every time I've kissed a man, it's been the worst experience in my life.

Yeah, men are disgusting. Oh, their tongues are so musly. Well, they're just... Kissing a woman is so soft and gentle. Yeah. Kissing a man. So, yeah, see, I'm remarkably unattracted to men. I wouldn't even...

It's all, buddy. Because I'm a guy, and I know what I look like when I get out of the shower. Yeah. And when I look at, I said this before, when I look, when I have that mirror that faces my shower, I get out, I turn to the right, there's a mirror right there.

And I see my little shower penis and my gross body. And I think I could never see this every day. That would gross me out. In fact, I don't want my wife to come near the bathroom when I shower. When I find men attractive, it's never their dick. I like their jaw. I like their fucking arms. It's a feature.

It's a feature. Straight men are the worst. What straight men think attractive men are is so incorrect. What is that? What is it? Two of my friends who I think, are objectively the ugliest people that have ever lived. I bully them about being ugly and bald and disgusting.

Women find them super hot. Yeah. Because when I, as a straight man, I'm like, what's, and it's, what would I like to look like? Reps, chiseled, nice fucking hair, all put about, women like a bit of rough. Yeah, they don't want, right, they don't want this clean, perfect. No.

No, they like, the thing that you go, ooh, that's kind of gross. Girls are like, ooh, that's why girls like popping pimples on your back. Girls like the nitty and nasty of a guy because otherwise they'd be into women. If they liked clean, they'd be into women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not lesbians. No, no, no, no.

That's a whole different story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. Gay, I mean, I've got so many fucking gay friends. And it's where I learned it's like... If you want a $3,000 a month payday for life, what would you feel free to do? Maybe take a long weekend, every weekend,

or try a bunch of new hobbies? Would you feel free to upgrade? and listen ad-free? Don't worry. We get it. Every $20 ticket could win you $3,000 a month for life and supports life-saving cancer research at the Princess Margaret. Feel free to buy your payday-for-life ticket today. Raffle number 155-2194. Please play responsibly. Visit BetMGM casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have Questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you.

Peace contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. What I thought gay guys would be into was poofs. Like, just like chiseled fucking thing. The gay guys I know are like, I want to fuck men. Yeah. I want to fuck straight men.

sweaty, stinky men. Stinky, awful. Women are, and gays will hate me saying this, women are super close to gays. Ah. They, look, they hate each other because they're both horrible people. But they love, you know,

there's nothing gayer than a straight man's opinion of what an attractive man is. Yeah, that's true. Because it's so wrong. It's wrong, yeah. Women want a little, they want genuineness. They want a bit of fucking rough. They want a bit of fucking dirt under the fucking fingernails.

Yeah. A little pooch. They like the little, they like the slobiness is kind of nice. Only men. Only men like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Oh, you don't, you think women don't like that at all. No. No.

Buddy, I've been going to the gym for like a year and like I, my arms have gone a little bit bigger. Kids look good. I'm so sensitive about this. But like I'm, when I go back from LA on Monday, I'm going to do. do a fucking strip for three weeks. I'm going to her friends, 50 birthday, because I want to arms. My wife is uninterested.

Doesn't matter to her. It wouldn't do anything for her. No, no, no. What my wife likes is when I pick up both of my children and I take them away from her. But that's where you're going to the gym so you can scoop these children up

and walk away with them arm and arm. Yeah, yeah. And also, like, my wife's out of my league in so many aspects. She has to be. She must be. So like the reason I go to the gym is because I'm so sick of disgracing her in public. People go, this is, you guys are.

There was a photo of us in San Francisco when she was seven months pregnant, feeling the worst she's ever fucking felt. There's a picture of us in San Francisco where she looks like my lawyer for a frat sexual assault that I did. And I was, and it was how I dressed, and it was how I was. I was like, I can't make this woman, because she loves me for who I am on the inside. Yeah. I can't make her hang her with a bag.

Yeah, no, no, no. It's bad for her image. It's disrespectful. Yeah, quite frankly, it's bad. It's really disrespectful, and not even disrespectful in the way that she likes, but it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful.

Yeah. It's funny because there are cultures, there are cultures, there are cultures, where the men are deliberate slabs, and the women love it. Really? Oh, brother. Right here. Don't name the cultures, but do the accents.

Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. These men are almost always bald. They're always got big, big, big bellies, slick back hair, uh, glasses. And it's all designer, always designer. And the women stunning. And the guys always are slops. Am I wrong?

You know what the fuck I'm saying. Yeah. Go to the Glendale Galleria and tell me I'm wrong. Go and walk around. by a Versace store. Just say Armenia. You will see a slovenly man with a stunning woman

who, by the way, goes to the gym five days a week. He is not interested in going near a fucking cardio machine. The only reason he would go to the gym is to throw out slurts. He's paying the 20 fee to 20 entrance fee every day.

And he's like, just so he can go off. And smoke. And go out front, smoke, go back inside and talk shit. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I had a fag outside, and there's more in here. That is a cultural thing, but they like slovenly looking.

It's not a... The younger generation, different story now. The smarter generation. The smarter generation, yes. The younger kids are different. But the older guys, the older guys I see in the neighborhood, brother, these women are stunning, and the men are how in the fuck. But, of course, you've out kicked your coverage, right?

You have to. Yeah. You have to. You're going up. Women settle down. Ask me how I met my wife. She's my ex-girlfriend's younger sister. Shut the fuck up.

Really? So your sister-in-law is your ex? My sister-in-law is the aunt of my children. And she's a wonderful aunt. And how did that get, how did that get sorted? How did you? What is this conversation like? I'm in love with your younger sister?

No, no, no. So, so, the caveats and the fucking asterix. My ex-girlfriend, we dated for three months when we were 21. Oh, that's not a real thing. When you said X, I thought you meant like it's a long term. Three months, 21. Kids, kids dating is not a... No, no, no.

That's fine. We liked each other and made the healthiest breakup I've ever had in my life because we really liked each other, but we really realized that we were just very different people who wanted different things for life. Sure, you're 21. And then afterwards, she got into a relationship. She was with a guy for like five years.

The reason I know this was because she's a very caring person. And she would check in on me. She was really proud of my career. She was worried about it. my mental help. She was just a good person, so we stayed in contact maybe twice a year during that time. And then I do a show at the Edinburgh French Festival in 2016, five years after we break up. And in the front row is the most beautiful

woman I've ever seen in my life. And it really, you've got to understand how ugly my audience is. I don't know what you get. my audience my audience is i'm very proud of the audience i have my audience is 66% women i think it's really good for like any type the reason why michel wolf is such an impressive comic is because michel wolf rips to men yeah right michel wolf is one of the greatest comics because going across to the other side is really tough it's very hard it's unbelievable i love the fact that most my audience are women i'm proud of that i love that uh uh A lot of neurodivergent mantares.

A lot of people who were beautiful on the insights. Yes. Empathetic kind. So when I walk out on stage and there's just this northern slut. This 10 out of 10 fucking smoke show in the front. And I recognize there is my exes younger sister. I've met her before. You never thought anything of it prior.

No, no, no, no, no. because when I was 21, 22 dating my ex, Kara, my beautiful and perfect wife, was 19. I'm not looking at a fucking 19. Also... Well, you're 21, she's 19. That's not insane.

No, no, no, but you have to... It's quite close. The thing my father-in-law, who I love so... I love my father-in-law. I, if I could spend a week with him on a holiday, I would. Does he have a fear you might date his wife? Because, I mean, you're moving down the line.

thing he said. Buddy, buddy, right, right, right, right. Is you're trying to hit all the girls in the family? When, so me and Kana, my wife, we date in secret for like a year. We were just fuck buddies. We fall in love during this time. And then I'm like, come to New York. We've never spent more than a day in each other's company with clothes on.

Right. Come to New York for a week and let's find out if we actually like each other. Sure. My wife comes over to New York within 18 hours. I tell her I love her because I felt it in. just being with her, she tells her parents that we've been doing this. I then have to go back and re-meet my in-law.

I go to my wife's childhood home, which I'd been in before. Yeah, you've been there, yeah. You know where the bathroom is, you're like, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mother-in-law opens the door, and for the first time in my life, I have nothing to say.

I don't know enough words for sorry. I don't know how to explain myself. The blood drains from my fucking face. And my mother-in-law laughs. She grabs me. She brings me into a hug. And she whispers in my ear. It's lovely to see you again.

And I'm so grateful that she made a joke. Yes. That she was the first person to break the fucking tension. That, like, I really hugged her. My father, and this is 100% fucking true. My father-in-law comes in, separates us and says, you're not getting the hat

trick. That is a home run. That's incredible. You're not getting the hat trick, pal. You're not getting the hat trick, no chance. And he was wrong because I fucked him. Yeah, you did. I was going to say, that was him being like, but I'm... Look, the goal of dating both of his daughter was just call him

daddy one day. That's all I hit like him. Like a good son-in-law. Daddy? You want me to carve the turkey, daddy? Now, are they from your hometown? No, no, no. My wife is scum. She's, she's, like, I rest, I taught her English.

I taught her cutlery. I rescued her from Aberdeen. Numbers, everything, really, from the start. She's from, like, the countryside? No, worse, Aberdeen. Oh, Aberdeen. So, like, Aberdeen used to be the oil capital of, like, the fucking UK.

So in, like, the 80s and 90s, big time. I don't know if you know this, but, like, oil's unlimited. Yeah, that's a lot of that. So in the 2000s, Aberdeen died a little bit. It's called, it's the saddest city in the world. It's all great. It's called the Granite City.

My wife is the happiest and most joyful person. I'd say this next thing with love. My wife is unburgeoned with an inner monologue, right? Really? Doesn't. When I come back from Thenipine and I talk to my wife about how I feel about myself and like my really vicious, critical. in her monologue.

She's like, that sounds stuff. And I'm like, what do you talk to yourself about, like, during the day? She's like, I don't talk to myself. Yeah, no, I'm busy. I'm doing stuff. She's like, if nothing's happening and I'm not thinking about anything.

Wow. I'm like, what do you mean? How does she get there? Is she very intelligent? No, it's the opposite. No, emotionally, absolutely. Yeah. Academically, we're both dumb.

Academically, me, in my wife, we're both. You're not a dumb guy. I'm not, I'm not. You weren't good. in school. That's also because school wasn't good for you. That's what I like to say. School wasn't right for some people. I was atrocious in school.

It's not because I was dumb. It's because it was completely very uninteresting. My wife is the most emotionally intelligent person I've ever met in my entire life. Her intelligence is her ability to absorb information and apply it to the future which is what real intelligence is. All the humans are supposed to do.

Knowledge-wise, she's the thickest... Can I tell you, my favorite thing, my dumb wife has ever said. This is dirty Nate Bargazzi? During COVID, I get the, you know, the changeable weights? Like, you put them down. Yeah, you stack them there.

Yeah, exactly. And you rotate it. And it goes from... I can't even get the name of those fucking things. But it's like, it goes from three kilos to 25 kilos. Yeah. I buy two of those dumbbells. They come to the house and I say to my wife, I'm going to move them out to the office

and her old houses out in the fucking cars. I'm going to move out there. That's where the gym is. can you open the doors for me, because I'm just gonna carry these two boxes myself. My wife, my beautiful, perfect wife, goes, why don't you just turn the weights down? Oh, wow.

Genius. And so, you know when somebody says something so stupid that you're not even gonna insult them, you just wanna let them exist in this stupidity, so you can study it? And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, well, why don't you just turn, the weight's down to a lower weight to take them over.

And I'm like, do you think if that technology existed, NASA wouldn't be using it to get to the moon? You reckon with this technology where you can turn the weight of something? They're wasting it on weights. You dumb, fuck. And finally, Klegman, she was like,

I feel like that was stupid. And I'm like, bitch. Bitch Apart from Lumping May it's the dumbest thing you've ever done Turn the weights down And you let them sit in it Don't say anything Don't be mean

When somebody says something stupid You let David Attenborough Voice the do that You know like And the idiot sits alone Allow that stupidity to grow Let it thrive Let's see what other new directions

It can go Because if you do say something You're starting a fight and you're starting a fight that you don't want to have because you're because you become self-righteous asshole like you know everything huh yeah you gotta hold the time

when if my wife and I are doing a thing and she says something I'll just go okay and then she'll go what what okay and she'll start to slowly go well okay

you know what yeah that's it becomes it becomes this divergence you're like oh Swat it away. Get it away. Now when you go home, you have to be super dad because you're gone. Yes. Right? Do you do the things where you're like, I'm cooking, I'm cleaning,

I'm supplementing all the things that I've been gone for, or no? It's hard. I'm really blessed in I'm a feminist man who marries a non-feminist woman, which is the dream. Yeah, it's the dream. So when I My wife was Her job prior was

She was just a personal assistant A big corporation She was offered for promotions She was like nope I like what I am Limited responsibility Love being at home When I gave her the option

To be like hey I earn enough for both of us If you want to be a stay at home She was like yep Didn't even finish it Yeah yes Yes She was like, yeah.

I'm really blessed to have a wife. When I went out to Australia for three and a half weeks, which was really tough for me. Like I really, I hate being away from home. And that's a long fucking way from home. It's a long fucking time. Before I go out there, my wife sits me down and she goes, I could not do what you're about to do.

I could not leave our children for three and a half weeks. And the fact that you're willing to do it for us as a family makes me, super proud of you. Yeah. And I'm really grateful. And I'm just like, oh my God, thank God I upgraded the iPhone because your sister wasn't like that. I got I got I got the best wife in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's good. There's nothing wrong with this world. This is the problem is like these roles that we express in our own private personal relationships have been co-opted by other people's opinions of what people should do. Like, you know, this trad wife thing

that people do on the internet now, but it's so funny it's like they're selling that as if the only version of that is that. And you're like, no, no, no, people can negotiate their own fucking terms and stop pretending like, if someone does want to stay at home, that's bad. Or if someone does want to have a dual working household. That's stupid.

That bothered me forever. Well, I grew up with both of my parents worked, my whole life, right? My stepdad had a really good job. And when he married my mom, you know, She, well, had to keep working. It's not like my dad was, she probably at some point maybe could have if she wanted, but she loved it.

And it was never even a conversation. So I only grew up knowing women who work, because all her friends were women who work. And so in my adult life, I always sought women who didn't have to have like a super deep passion, but enjoyed working in some kind of a thing that they like. And there's nothing wrong with the other,

but I just was always attracted to it because it was what I grew up with. It's what I saw. Like, my mom, I never came home to fresh-baked cookies. Like, when I would go to those kids' houses, that was fucking your house. Yes. If they weren't working. Yes, yeah, but that was your house.

Your mom is a very Midwest mom. Yeah, but she's a teacher. Like, I never came home. Where you from? Minnesota. Minnesota. Oh, she always. Cookies out there. His dad and I have hung out a few times.

Much more than your mom and I. Your dad and I are bad boys together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've said this guy's parents get hammered. Yeah, of course. I got smoked. with his parents. Smoke with these guys.

The worst and most incorrect stereotype that the Brits have about Americans is that we think you cannot drink. I know. Go ahead. When you go back,

tell those motherfuckers what happened to you the other night. There's been four times in my life I've been blackout drunk and all four of them were in this goddamn country.

We did it, baby. Like there is you guys. We do. do it. My favorite time in the world comes from Australia, Sinking Piss. Sinking Piss. That's amazing. You guys sink piss. Oh yeah. In a way that is confronting. Thank you. In a way that is concerning. God bless. In a way that is so like, because like, look, I'm Scottish. I pride myself in fucking drinking whiskey. We can, we can sink shit. Yeah. Pretty well.

you guys drink to a level that is like oh my God you all hate your country do you want to tell you told the story

about your other day before we were rolling Oh yeah before we rolled Tell the story About Thursday Yeah Yeah Because here's why

By the way And let me tell you exactly why we drink this way Here Particularly it's a regional thing Yeah Right so same thing This is the United States

joke. In the Midwest where we come from, in Chicago, in Minneapolis, we drink heavily because it's terrible fucking weather, and when it's the worst weather, which you guys, your weather's bad, you can't fuck with our winters.

It's absurd. Chicago winters are, they annihilate you as a person. They fuck up your psyche. It ruins you. And you drink for community and you drink for family happiness and warmth.

You really do. You're like, I want to get drunk with my friends because it can make me feel good up here. It's giving me my body feel good. And then the summer comes and you're like, we got to go outside and get fucking hammered. The summer's here. So we don't have, we don't have a balance. Taps half

weather? You know, taps half? No. In Scotland, I'm going to need you to Google Fahrenheit here, buddy. Do 20 degrees Celsius into Fahrenheit. I think it's like seven. No. It's a disgusting low number. It's like 67, I think. Yeah. 68.

68. Ah, it was close. That's good. So 60s. I'm worldly. I leave it on Celsius when I go overseas just so I can. Also, with your hair and skin, I know you know temperatures. This kind of understands UV in every country. It's the first thing I look at on the weather out.

I go sunscreen till four, got it. Before time difference. In Scotland, there is a national problem of the second it gets above 20 degrees. Right. It is 68 power night. It's taps half weather. Taps is tops. Yeah. Taps off. Yeah. Taps off.

Yeah. Taps off. Let's go. The more people phone in sick when it's 20 degrees in Scotland than they did during COVID. Businesses just in Scotland. Close. Everything just... They have to. Yeah, they don't have a choice.

They're like, oh, everyone, unfortunately, Originally today, got the cold on the hottest day. When it's 20 fucking degrees in Scotland, when it's 6'8 fucking fire night, nobody goes to work. We all find it. Because there's only seven days a bit during Scott.

You're only getting... You get a week and a half, maybe two. Do you know the longest he ever in Scotland? Huh? Six days. Oh my God. That's insane. It's awful.

And the tops you get, or the highest you get would be like 22, 23? No, no, no. No, we do get to 26 times. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's the peak of the summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the hottest it could ever be. We've burned some oil, baby. Let's go. Let's fucking... Open it up! Let's go see that ozone layer. Open it up. Let's fucking, yeah.

Finger that fucking thing. Wind it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, we don't mind global warming in the UK. This is a Frankie-Boyle joke, but it's true. Scottish people love global warming because one day we'll get to watch the English drown. when sea levels rise

we're watching races gargled themselves to fucking death while we're in the highlands so you hate the English my closest friends my cousins you know what I mean

the best I would without hesitation slit the throat of any English man if I knew there was no consequence but you're like us that's like the Irish yeah that's like and I love England yeah of course I love going there Of course.

I love... My friends, my closest friends, I'd kill every one of them. I'd kill every fucking one of those pieces of shit in a heartbeat. Because even though they're not all racist, they're all racist. Yeah, of course. What do you mean?

Yes, they are. They're all the worst people in the world. They fucking started it. They fucking started it. I can't believe we never toured in Glasgow, by the way. Buddy, buddy. The thing... We couldn't.

It bummed me out. It didn't fit our timeline. They didn't have a theater for us. You guys suck so much of like when you come to the UK, you're like, We'll go to Manchester, Newcastle. I'm like, buddy, Edinburgh and Glasgow. You have to do both.

I know. Because Edinburgh's better than Glasgow, and Glasgow doesn't want to admit that. They just love. Glasgow's a better audience. Glasgow's a much better audience. Why? Just because it's... Because they're not posh cunts.

Right, right. Glasgow know they're scum. And that's the best kind of people, dude. They're the best. That's why those cities that here are the best. Edinburgh, we know, we know without exception. We are the top five great capital cities in the world. So you're up your ass about it a little bit.

Absolutely. You want to talk about the beauty of a city? You want to talk about a real city? My favorite law in the world exists in Edinburgh. No building in Edinburgh is allowed to be built higher than the height of the castle. So there's no skyscrapers? Yeah, no, I do notice that when I'm there. And it's because the highest point.

in Edinburgh is always going to be the fucking castle. It's doesn't matter where you are in the fucking city. You can see it. The castle's on the fucking hill. History. History is Edinburgh. History is Edinburgh. That's great. And it's real old history. Glasgow's history is the 1700s. It's, you know,

like they were the grafters. They were the iron workers. Yeah, the blue collar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The working class come from Glasgow. So Glasgow's proud and beautiful history. And that's a great. Yeah.

Probably the best crowd. They're the best crowd. Yeah. They're the best crowd in the world. Because they're people, people, people. They're, to their core, they go deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why those working class cities in this country, by far the best.

And if you turn up there as a fucking red nugget with that accent, they're gonna be like, when did we plant that seat? How did this, how did this tree flourish in another? Well, you got lucky, by the way, because you got a little, you got a little taste of the handsome bug, and it It doesn't really, the handsome book didn't really move around Scotland too much. I think that's very kind of going to consider myself to be a very ugly man. Well, no, you're better looking than a lot of those guys. Scots aren't known for being international models.

No. No, they're not. And I'm not saying anything bad at Scotland. I love you so much, but it's hard to find. It's a nation of munards. It's hard to find a hottie. All of them, though. Britain and Ireland, too.

No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Ireland's the most beautiful people in the world. No, no, no, no. Stop it now. I'm kidding. Clearly I'm kidding. They are disgusting.

You can't put us on a magazine. You could punch an Irish man in the mouth and give him better teeth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. But now the worst of all the Brits, let's be honest. Except the British, they're morphing, they're growing, they're learning. They're doing this trick online that I see with a lot of like young British men and women. They're westernizing the fuck out of it. They're stealing like American style, but it's doing.

doing it wrong. It looks like it was like... We invented your country. You only exist because you wanted to spite us. Right. The only reason your country exists is because you wanted to spit in the face of the breast. And that's why we're hot. That's why we're sexy fucking people.

Because we were like sit on it. But never forget, never fucking forget, you exist because we fucked you. Yeah. Yes. Well, especially us, Vikings got us. Right. The Vikings really got us good. Slosh.

Sankan name is Norwegian for a fight. Is it? Yeah. Sloss means fight. Sloss means fight, which if you've ever seen me in real life, I've never thrown a punch in my life. You've never, wait a minute, you've never gotten to a bar fight. No one ever tried to slug you? I've been, I've been hit because I'm a cunt.

There it is, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been assaulted. You ran your fucking mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've rightfully been being up. Right. I've never won a fight. I've never thrown a punch.

Getting hit in the fucking head is the, we talked out one time. Glasgow Kiss. The old Glasgow Kiss. The old Glasgow Kiss. The old Glasgow kiss? That's when you punch, yeah. No, no, Glasgow. Glasgow.

Glasgow is. Somebody squares up to you. Forehead to the nose. I'd rather you punch me. Please punch me. Do you know about the Glasgow smile? That's the, that's the knife, right? Worse.

It's what the Joker's scars are based on. Glasgow drug dealers, if they cut your mouth with just a razor blade, they could sew that up and you would have no scar. So what they did is they put two razor

razor blades on the side of a credit card so that two razor blades had a millimeter. A parallel cut. Yeah. Because if you cut someone's mouth like that, when you stitch it together, you leave a scar forever. Oh my God. This is some prison shit.

This is some fucking, this is prison rule shit. And they cut, they grab your mouth and they cut your face like this. Fuck, it's crazy. Just get guns, you guys. My God, just shoot each other like normal adults. No, we're more creative. Yeah, you really are.

We're more creative. You really are. Well, our prison system is the most creative with weapons. see the way that i watched that show i was watching that um uh uh a document around like our our most dangerous prisons yeah and the way that these guys come up with creative ways to hurt each other and find you like wield weapons out of out of like nothing i mean it all starts with like a toothbrush yeah they get a plastic toothbrush and they just grind it on the ground they shave it till it comes to a sharp point so they brush in the you know they're in the in the

bathroom area they brush and then stab someone right in the face imagine you just getting up brushing your teeth toothbrush to the neck with a soft end oh my one friend in this prison something that'll never hurt me something that's good really heavy my buddy my buddy Steve

oh Steve slash slash yeah you guys do get creative but you are I will say this the love I have for Scotland is because is because your attitude about Scotland

feels like an American city, like Chicago, Philly. You guys have this like pride, this like overarching pride that many other places don't have in Western Europe. They do, but you guys, you guys kind of are... Well, look, look. A little fully yourself. No, no Scottish person in the world

thinks that Scotland is the greatest country in the world. No, but you love it like crazy. It's our fucking country. Yeah, see what I, yeah. A lot of other people are like, that's fine, take it to leave it. insult my country. Yeah. If you insult my country, I'll fucking kill your kid in front of your other kids. And we don't mind that you come here and insult America. Do you know why?

The accent? No, because you got to come over here to do it. Yeah. See that? Because you can't don't come over to where we are. No need to. You come. You come to my house. Yeah, you did. Every single one of you fuckers is just like, I've got Scottish heritage. And I'm like, do you? No. If you have American heritage, you don't have this skin, buddy. You want. You won't. You want. You. You want. have Scottish and Irish heritage because the Highland clearance is when the Scots were forced out of their fucking land and forced to move across to America to kill those dirty name Indians who were feeding the land. Yeah. Living

off the earth. Yeah. Gross. Living in harm. Yuck. Yuck. What are you? Idiot. What are you doing? Idiot. What are you doing? Kill each other. Kill each other. One of you has to be better than the other one So find out who's stronger than the other one You cubs have never heard of colonialism War, war, war, war Do you kill each other, you fucking losers

And we introduced war Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And then, and to be fair You became the best cheaters at it The best, nobody's better, no one's better Vietnam, arguably Did an okay job I feel like you didn't win that one

Maybe. That's only because we stopped. That's an American thing. Name a war in a desert you've won. We're still working on one right now. You're working on the fourth. That is the most American thing to go. It's like we make up our own rules

halfway through the game. We're like, no, no, we're done. We're out. We didn't lose because we left. You've started 10 wars in the last 50 years, and you haven't finished a war since 1944. Don't feel like when we don't want to. Because you...

I'm bored. I'm bored. We gotta go home. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'll just take my controller then. It's like, don't do that, dude. Someone wants to...

No, I'll leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're selfish little brats. Look, you... Look, you... You... ...bombed Japan into anime. We did.

Thank you. We made Tokyo amazing. You, a country with a god emperor. You knucked that faith out of them. You fucking... It really did. You changed. culture. Well, hey man.

They snuck us first. This is a wild thing to me. My favorite thing about the atomic bombs is what, you know why there was two? No, I don't. America worked out and realized if you drop one atomic bomb, then Japan

goes, oh, they only got one of those things. You drop two? Japan goes, fuck, how many of these things do you have? That's why there was two. And they copied us in 9-11? That's why they did two planes instead of just one. That's why they did two.

They go, how many times do these guys got? And I've always, people blame the Jews, people believe the Muslims. I think it was the Japs. I think it was the Japs that did 9-11. Hirohito. Yeah, those were sneaky, sneaky. Sorry, 9-11. Nine of Raven.

Osama bin Rodden. Osama bin Rodden. He was at the helm. He was at the helm. No, you know what? I thank you for all the love that you've been given me. You want some more? Yeah.

You want Weller? What do you want? Have you ever had this? Have you ever had RIP? No. Oh, wow, this is funny. This is funny. Because I'm really just especially racist about American whiskey.

Because the Japs are so much better at you than whiskey. You're, okay. Now I draw the line. American Bourbon. Shut your fucking better than Jap whiskey? Oh, yeah, buddy. In fact, let me tell you why we're better. Are you?

We're so good at Bourbon. At bourbon. Yeah, because you had to invent. and whiskey because you're not good at whiskey. We're so good at Bourbon. Because you have to invent, this is American football. You had to invent a new sport. It's better. Because you're not good at any of the other sport.

No, because we're stronger and we love brutality. You guys love soft and friendliness. We love hard break, core. Murder! Have some of this. Every rugby player in the world could be every American football. A couple of them come over here and we fuck them up too. Only a few of them have lasted, by the way.

You say that, but a couple of rugby players do come over here and play. It's a different sport. I'm not saying play. I mean, fisticuffs. Fist fighting is a whole different thing, because I know small guys can fuck up big guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know tiny little men they can beat the shit out of a big guy. Oh, I got a little helmets because they get concussion. Grow up.

Grow up. Dude, you're crazy. CTE is a myth created by... By big pharma. That is a big pharma. We are trying to interject more pharmaceuticals. I respect rugby. I love rugby.

I love it. American football. I love American football. It's so fantastic. I'm going to give you a hard time of American football because that's my job. You have to. Yeah, you came over here. I...

But do you like football, football? Do you like soccer? Real football? Soccer. I'm going to... Donald Trump could be a Venezuelan pregnant woman to death in front of me, and I'm still going to Scotland's First World Cup since 1998. I have to.

Boycotting the American World Cup is a job for the English. Right. I've been in every World Cup since forever. Let them do it. This is Scotland's first World Cup. since 1998. Our opening game is against Haiti and thankfully because your president won't allow

any Haitians into this country, that stadium is just going to be made a bunch of drunk scots. It's going to be our potential first World Cup wins since 1990s since I was born. Holy shit. That's a bad Scotland's football. I'm not boycalling this World Cup. No, let this happen. I'm

coming over. And then you're going to go to, he's going to go to the White House and see the UFC fight on the lawn, right? You're going to that one right after. Wait a minute. You guys haven't since 1990? 1998. 1988 was the last time we qualified for a World Cup. We didn't win any of the matches.

We drew against Brazil, which was big. Brazil's huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very tough. The last time we won a game was 1992 won against Sweden. That was the last time Scotland before, oh no, literally before I was born, that was the last time Scotland won a World Cup game. So when they were like Haiti, I'm like...

Come on, baby. Give you that Donald Trump name, baby. Bring it on, baby. That is crazy to think about that. That's been that long for you, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Early American football and soccer actually were standardized at around the same time.

There was actually only a six-year difference between them. When football was invented, what American football was invented? It says soccer, Association Football was codified in 1863 in England, to Statener and Angeles and separating it from rugby. Yeah, codified. Like, it became like an... But like, these games have existed for thousands and thousands of years. Well, yes, if we're being genuine, 1863. People were playing games like this.

In other forms, you like that kid? Versus 1869. You know what you're drinking, baby boy? Yeah, I'll talk that talk. Now go ahead and talk that fucking talk. Yeah, see? Oh, I hate being wrong. This is very good sauce.

This is our famous old rip. It's 10-year. And by the way, this isn't even their best shit. This isn't even their best shit. I mean, don't even their best shit. I mean, don't be wrong. It is, it is, it is barbony. Like I think whiskey in its original form and its Scottish form,

Fucky Ireland. Scotch, you mean scotch. It's drinking whiskey is the Scottish experience in 10 seconds, which is you go, oh, I hate this. Oh, this is the worst thing in the entire world. I wish it. You know what, it's fine actually. That's what being Scottish is.

Yeah, that is. That is the move. Bourbon, American whiskey, because you're a soft. Nation. You need that sweetness. You can't handle. No, because sweetness represents his entire nation.

Also, what would you age liquor in when your country doesn't have any age? Wow. What a dirty little boy. You're a bad little fucking boy, dude. We age it. An all-American fucking oath, baby. And we lit it.

Trees that are 100 years old, you fucking loser. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. walk in. We take advantage of the land. We put whiskey in barrels that we brewed whiskey in 200 years ago. We're doing it now.

We age our whiskey and age whiskey casks. That will come. Let us sit. No, you're not going to be a jealous of Japanese. You're not going to be a country in 20 years. You know how, we won't. Thank God.

You're not going to be a dry country. Thank God. If everything goes right, that rock's going to speed up and fucking kill us. What? Do you guys know where the oldest tree on earth is up? We're talking about oldest trees. Give it to me.

oldest street in arts in California. The Great Basin Bristol Cone Pine named Methasula is over 4,850 years old. Each shit. In the California White Mountains. Each shit, European. And the Appalachians are like the oldest mountain range that is a world.

Appalachians are the oldest mountain range that we know. That's the most American thing I've ever experienced. Taking credit for something you had nothing to do is that's America. That's what the fuck we do. Uh-huh. That's what the fuck we do.

Okay. Let's credit the things that we did do. Yeah. Music. Yeah. I mean, yeah, music and movies. Comedy, music, and film. You created comedy.

Film, absolutely. Film, comedy, and music, we... You can't touch modern art as regards to America. There's just so much diverse voice. Even, like, you have, like, Bessie Smith and old blues artists whose parents were, like, slaves in the early night. By the way, I went last night and made him jealous to go see Mostef, Talib Kuali,

And Buster Rhymes come on stage, and I thought, this is America. This is a country. Well, the last one's the most American. Yeah, dude. And then Kanye showed up. You are, without a doubt, the greatest nation in the world at holidays. Oh, nobody can touch us. Nobody does Halloween like you do.

The first time I was in America was before I was doing my first Conan spot. It was 2012. You see this card? Isn't that fun? That's the only card I kept. Yeah. It's the one I love the most. Because it's the most important. Because he was, I say there's larger respect to the other ones.

I agree. Conan's the funny. He was the best, dude. He was so fucking fun. By a mile. Fun too. Yeah. Fun.

It was fun. It felt fun. His hot ones is the single greatest hot ones that's ever. It's so funny. There's no, there's no in the world like Conan. I'm going out to America before I do my first fucking Conan spot. Denver comedy works Love

One of the greatest Comedy Works I'm kind enough To like book me as a fucking headliner before I'm anyone For this fucking weekend It's in November I get on a Wednesday

I do the show in the Wednesday There's about fucking 70, 80 people in I have a good night The staff of the Denver comedy works They're like hey really fucking good What are you doing tomorrow And I'm like the show They're like there's no show tomorrow

It's the third Thursday in November So it's Thanksgiving And I'm like, oh, obviously we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK. So they're like, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm like, I'll just fucking smoke weed in a hotel room and jerk myself off. Perfect. Into like dehydration. Which is also our Thanksgiving.

And the staff of the day for comedy works were like, no, you are not doing Thanksgiving by yourself. That's right. You're coming over. I do the British thing I buy a bottle of fucking fireball before I go over because I'm like if we're going to go over and do fucking shots

it's not a family that's out there it's just but it's family in a way it's not a related family right it's just the staff at the Denver comedy works and all their fucking friends bring me over to their house it cook one of the greatest meals I've ever had in my life

they smoke weed from the second I'm there until the second I leave they drink in a way that I'm like I'm wrong about Americans and we sat down for this and everyone's cooking a different thing somebody's doing fucking sweet potato with marshmallows on yeah I'm like you're the fattest country on earth you fucking yeah and then I try them and I'm like I'll shut my mouth forever yeah like I'm so wrong about this thing the turkey's perfect the food is perfect and with with

real sincerity something that I would the fucking inner me would be like get We're going to sit down and be thankful about something. Gay, gay, gay, I'm thankful of becoming my ass. What you mean we're going to be children and be, we're going to show gratitude in front of other people? Yeah, gross. I'm Scottish. I'd rather kill myself in front of my children. And that's what they would be grateful for.

Yeah. Is that I fucking took myself out the world. They sit down and like all of their gratitude is just like, I'm grateful for this, my life. I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful the people around me. And I'm the most stoned I've ever been. And the most drunk I've ever been. I'm the hungriest I've ever been.

And like I really got to just be like, I am genuinely grateful that I got to have. I didn't know this was what Thanksgiving was. I didn't know. Like, when I think of Thanksgiving, I think of you fucking flag waving cunts and you fucking celebrating all this dumbful. I didn't know this is what.

That's what it really is. I didn't, but I didn't know that. And, like, the graduate I felt that day was like, thank you for, don't be wrong. Every time a bit of my racism towards America dies, I hate myself. It was all I want to do is hate you. That was a day where I was like, this was another time where I was wrong about this country. That's right. You guys do holidays like no one else.

Special. Valentine's Day, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving. you black history we made it our shortest month let's get through that real fast boys let's go yeah yeah yeah we are there's not that much history we're the king of the holiday

you're the best and you heard it here for you hear it here for forced you heard it forced forced you heard it forced forced sloss admitted on the show nobody does holidays like America he thinks American bourbon is better than any form of scotch whiskey or Japanese whiskey whatsoever I will fucking kill you right now in real life

that is not that Yeah, it's true. But he did change his opinion about it. Pause. That's fine. Let it sit. Let it sit. I don't like being held accountable. You're American!

That's the most American thing. All right, so hey, I want to wrap this show up because I love you. I don't want to keep you any longer. I can't because the kids are going to come soon, right? Fancy's coming. All right, so listen. You're one of the greatest living community. comedians.

Wrong, but okay. You are. You're phenomenal. I want everyone to please see you until you decide that you're sick of it. Which, because who knows when that will be? And you're touring the world endlessly. And especially this fall, you're going to be on the bus in America.

Do you have a name for this tour? Better. Perfect. We're not going to plug dates. We'll just say, go to the website and go see it. You're probably going to how many cities? A bunch. It is like 40 cities or something absurd like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, man, I don't know. I got a new social media team last year who just... Do you like this or hate this? Love it. Okay, good. Because I hate social media. I'm not good at it.

Yeah, it sucks. I got this fucking young gay guy who's just the... Has the hunger that I had in my 20s. That's what you need, McCone. I have the young gay guy, but he's not hungry. That's a problem. You got to get a young gay who is hunger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you know what? Beds and boomer over there? Yeah, exactly. He is Pop-Tarts. Just eat, you loser. All right, go to, I imagine, it's got to be your name.com. Yeah, Danielsauk.com. It's the, I cannot believe, thanks to my own social, it's the best my tour is ever selling.

I saw more tickets in advance of this tour. Amazing. And I've ever sell on any previous. We'll sell him the fuck out. Everyone, all of our fans, please, please, please, sell him out immediately. It will be a show that you will not regret. Also, watch, I cannot stress it.

Watch my stuff for it. I am. I'm abrasive. I'm obnoxious. I'm disgustingly arrogant. And if you don't understand, please watch my previous stuff. I'm jarring. If you didn't get that from this whole episode,

you're not going to get it then. Women often, my favorite type of audience member is a woman who's been in a relationship for three months and her test for her new boyfriend. Is to bring to your show? That's fucking awesome. It's my favorite thing, and I watch men fail the test every time. Because you know what?

I'm a sexist feminist. A sexist feminist. A name of your next special. Yeah, I'm a sexist feminist. The women, when I'm... I've walked the walk. I'm proudly a feminist. And I know in America, America's done to the word feminism,

what they did to the word socialism, which is nobody can explain it. Yeah, nobody knows. it. Feminism as a man is do you love the women in your life? Do you want them to be safe? Yeah. You're a feminist.

Right. Ignore third wave, ignore second wave. You know, there's all the other. If you want the women in your life to have the same opportunities as you do and be verbally abused in the same way that you are, congratulations, you're a feminist. Yeah.

You are a feminist. I know that sucks to say. I know that sucks to hear. Buddy, you're a feminist. You're a sexist feminist. You're a sexist. Buddy, who do you say the N word around more?

You're black friends or your white friends? Well, I don't have any black friends, so it's always white friends. My most homophobic comments are in front of my fucking gay friends. 100%. Always, always, always, always, always. This idea that, like,

that being a feminist means that you cannot be really mean to women? No. It's antithetical. It's like saying you're not included, but we want you to feel included. Yeah. You think super oppressed people can't take a joke? That's sexist.

Yeah, that's right. That's the most sexist. You think women can't take a fucking joke? That's sexist. That's more sexist than any joke you were ever going to fucking tell them. I mean, I made an entire career making fun of an Asian guy to his face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's been the best thing I've ever done.

And people are like, how can you say that to him? I'm like, because I'm in love with him. Because he's the ban. Yeah, well, because I would kiss him on the mouth. What are you talking about? Because he means the world to me. Yeah. Yeah. And I love you and you mean the world to me.

Buddy, I cannot believe that this is the first time we've met. It's crazy. In a different world, you and I are lovers. And we really, truly, we are. Who's the top? Who's the top? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You're probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've spoken so much on the internet. My dick would ruin you. I would, responsibility-wise, I'd have to be the world. Brother, brother, brother. I'm going to give you some good push and push, all right? I'm going to give some good push and bush. I mean, it's not going to be the girth that hurts, the push and bush.

It's going to be... It's going to be the repetitiveness that hurts. It's not the size. It's that I keep on moving. Go to Danielslaus.com. Go see him live. He is a brilliant, wonderful man. We end the show the same way.

Look at that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Some people want to impart a phrase of wisdom. Some people just want to throw away one singular word. But either way, you will end up in the Smithsonian when this is all said and done. So make sure that it counts. One phrase or one phrase or one. one word to end the episode when you're ready.

America. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell now.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.