Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Fiona Cauley: Two red heads do a podcast | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian Fiona Cauley for a hilarious and honest conversation about stand-up, confidence on stage, and turning life’s challenges into great comedy. They talk about Fiona’s rise in the stand-up world, developing her voice as a comic, navigating the industry, and how authenticity and perspective can make jokes hit even harder. It’s a sharp, funny, comic-to-comic conversation full of laughs and insight. In this episode: • Fiona’s journey into stand-up comedy • Writing jokes that come from real life • Santino and Fiona talk touring, bombing, and building confidence • Why perspective is everything in comedy Drop a comment with your favorite moment from the episode. #whiskeyginger #AndrewSantino #FionaCauley #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #PodcastClips #Comedians Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series. Hello, Whiskinge fans. We are jumping around the country a little bit. I'm adding a few dates as I go. I'm not officially touring this year. But tomorrow night, me and Bobby Lee are going to be in Lincoln, California, which is right next door to Sacramento, doing a bad friend show at the Thunder Valley Casino. Then next weekend, I'm going to be at the Win Casino in Las Vegas.

Viva Las Vegas, baby, come out and see me at the Win Casino. Then I'm at the Lil Roady Fest in Providence, Rhode Island. and then I'm at the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey, and then finally, bad friends are playing the YouTube theater for Netflix as a joke fest

here in Los Angeles. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. That's Andrewsantino.com. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a pugil.

You won't me $5 for the whiskey horse. Ginger's our hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. Mygastay is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today.

It's Fiona Cole. Fiona! I have to say it like that. Whenever I see your name online, I think, of Shrek immediately. Yeah. Yeah, I do. And you have red hair, so you're not helping the cause. Yeah, and the worst part is I legally changed my name to Fiona at 18.

You did. Yeah. Your birth name was, let me guess, hold on. But Collie's your last name, that is right. Okay, your first, give me the letter of your first name. L. Loser. So fucking close, dude. Laura, Lauren.

Yeah, Lauren. That was good. Lauren Collie. What's wrong with Lauren Collie? Why Fiona? It's boring. It's boring. I went by Fiona at 9, though.

Wait, how did this happen? You just kind of, you were like, really Shrek? Well, no. No, no. Well, a little bit, right? It's a great movie. It's changed my life. That's my Shrek out there. That's your Shrek. Yeah. That's your husband. Yes.

Beautiful boy. He's a beautiful boy. Gorgeous baby angel. He is a gorgeous little baby angel. So Fiona was half from like your childhood influence and then half because you were like, I just can't get, this name sucks. Well, I, so I was nine. I didn't even know you could change your name. Yeah. And my parents got divorced when I was nine and it was...

We love a good divorce. Especially at nine when it really means something. Yeah. Don't do it. For parents out there at home, please don't get a divorce before the kids know what's going on. Let them be aware of it. Let it hurt. Let it shape their childhood and ruin a piece of them.

Let them feel like it is their fault. Yes. It makes for a strong character. My parents got divorced before I was one. So I have no... I don't know them together. I know I'm not as special as you. Yeah, they obviously don't care about you the way mine...

No. Cared about me. Yeah, yours care about you in a way they wanted to damage you and leave you with trauma and blame you and let you hold on to that until your adulthood. Yeah, and that trauma was so heavy, then I'm in a wheelchair. Put you in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's awful.

That's crazy. So for those at home, divorce will put you in a wheelchair. I don't know if you know that, but this is a product of that. By the way, the Internet is so gross now. I'm sure that somehow ChatGBT GBT captures this and doesn't understand the facetiousness and then something will pop up and go

divorces have been tied to being led to people. I hope we have that effect on the internet. I think we do. I got to tell you, I think it's happening live. There's so much misinformation, let's keep spreading it. Any more fake rumors that you want to push out? Not that

come to the top of mind. Well, do all that. You told me before we started rolling, she said, because people may know, and this will be out after this has already happened, but the final hostages from Gaza were released, and she goes, I think they got to get a few more back and start it all over again.

Yeah, it's a balance, you know. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years? That's amazing. You're cruising. That's awesome. I'm on autopilot. You really are. Let's do more wheelchair stuff. Yeah, no, I got them.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm turged up. Yeah, you really popped a wheelie on the business. You really did. I did notice when you were backing up. I did hear it do the backup. It's fucking rude. I hate it. Can you not turn it off? But this one, you actually can. I've had a lot you can't. Trying to leave like funerals is really awkward. Just beeping up really slowly. Yeah. But what are they going to say? What are they going to say? one day the will

slash my diars I can feel it's coming yeah you will well you get what you deserve yeah absolutely five years

and you start are you from Nashville you are yeah god that scene is unbelievable man you know we talked before about

our mutual friend Zach Townsend who I love who's not from Nashville but he's living there and has been there and all of the guys

that are down there it's pretty crazy that scene is I mean it was underrated for a long time now it's kind of getting the recognition it deserves. Yeah, I think it's

because there's only one club there. Yeah, but that's a good thing. Yeah. I think all these other cities that have like 90. Like I went to school in Arizona. When I was in school, the Tempe Improv was the only club. And then now there's downtown and there's up north.

I mean, they're all over the place. Now there's like five or six. Yeah. It's good, I guess. But I think something about a one club city it makes it super special. Like I was just in New York. They told me they're going to bring back the improv to New York because it was there for a while. And I thought,

I mean, do you need another another club? I don't know. It's kind of nice to have one that's home that you have to fist fight to get into. It makes it more special. It feels more old school, maybe. It does. Yeah, it does. And I love Zanis, man. That's like one of the best clubs in the country. And I think it's because they've made, they've worked hard on creating an environment of

like really good comics and you have to bust ass to be in there. And I think that's a good thing. Yeah. I mean, I really do. I think without that, it gets a little whatever. I don't know. I'm an old dog in comedy, so to me, it's... I liked it when it was when you really had...

Like, I had to slit a throat to become a regular at the comedy store. Literally, I had to kill a man. A comedian or... An open micrant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean... He deserved it.

Had that happened. He had one really terrible joke, and they handed me a knife, and they said, do you want your name on the wall? You got to write your name in his blood? Yeah, I did. Yeah. And so every year I have to sack. sacrifice a new open micer because the blood kind of doesn't stay.

No, that's good. That goes back to the whole balance thing. That's exactly right. That's right. So you grew up in Nashville. Yeah. Born and raised, started comedy there.

And then are you going to stay in Nashville? Are you one of these people that's going to depart and go somewhere else? I think I'll stay. Yeah. And we fly everywhere. Yeah. So it's like, I'm never where I live for that long.

Right. You know, like I'm home like five days a month. Yeah. And is your husband? and stand-up too. So is this a point of contention as well sometimes where it's like your track?

It doesn't matter. No, no, it's been good. I mean, he goes on and wrote with another comedian, but he's starting to come with me a lot, which has been awesome because... That's great. I mean, I know I'm faking it, but like we talked about keeping the looks up for this.

I need someone I trust to carry me, you know? Being this performative does get expensive, though, I will say. I just really love prop comedy. Yeah, move over carrot top There's a new redhead prop. It is so funny. Well, it's good to have, that's the hardest part about being away from someone you love.

The road gets so lonely. Even if you're with like your best friend, you know, your people that feature for me, like even if I'm with like a good friend that I love, there's those moments you're like, oh, dude, I just want to be home so bad. You have home with you, so you're good. Do you have no excuse?

You better not give me this. I'm sad shit. I'm the happy. There is nothing bad about my life. That's exactly right. As I can see. Yes. That's exactly.

You said, I've learned, because of you, I was a fan. I was like, oh, you're great. I've seen your stuff and I thought you were great. And then when I started to look into you talking about Fredericks ataxia. Friedrichs. Like the German guy. Oh, Nazi stuff. Yes, of course.

Yeah, they would do this, wouldn't they? They were like, women? No, they go, yeah. And, oh, wait, men get it too, no? They do. But not as often. Well, they colonize our disease, yeah. And they can, like, walk.

They can. Some of them. Some of them can run. But not for long. Yeah, that's right. That's a beauty of progressive diseases. Yeah, it's going to get you eventually. It's pretty cool.

It's like being chased in a dream. It's going to get you. Dude, I posted a video one time. You know those things you punch and it like calculates how strong your punch was? Yeah, the machine that you hit. Yeah. I did that and I was standing and so I'm just trying to hold my like ways to keep me up. And someone goes, she punches like I do in dreams.

Really good. Really good. What number did you get on the score? One. You got one I am number one You are number one That's what it means

Wow And that's just You know honestly It should have given you a zero It should have told the truth But you know what I'll dig it A win's a win

If you ain't first You're last That's exactly right And you're first in last So either way you look at it Right Spursed on airplanes Yeah

Travelin's got to be a fucking nightmare A nightmare It's the worst It's the worst thing in the world It sucks in general, must suck even harder for you. Well, especially at the airport, apparently there's people, you've seen people not disabled use the wheelchair.

Drives me fucking insane. They call them, what is it, like runway Jesus? Because the minute they land, they run off the fucking. Yeah. And they just, they're appropriating your culture. Nothing makes me angry. Their wheelchair face. Yeah.

It's disgusting. It makes me so fucking mad when I see that. Look, if you're old as shit... Fine. Okay. Yeah. Fine. If you're a young person who's able-bodied and I see you get in and out of that thing,

we should be able to paralyze you. Yeah. That should be the payback. And I'm not trying to be controversial. Let's do it. But being fat. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

You could use the walk down the jet bridge, you know? That's right. That's... That's funny I had a joke years ago about that And people got mad People just hated it About how I just never understood

How overweight people got to A park in a handicap parking spots I was like that's crazy The overweight parking should be at the back of the lot Yeah You shouldn't be the closest Yeah and like you get to move closer And closer with every 10 pounds

You lose some weight Then you get Then there should be skinny spots Right up front Skinny pretty people Look at you I'm so bad to you. It's a cycle because the closer they get, the feather they'll get,

now they're at the back. Balance. Balance. This show is going to be called balance. I love. Balance with Fiona. Yeah, I really love it. Yeah, it really is.

Yeah, because you have good balance in here and in here. Your comedy has great balance. Not in here. Not in there. No, not in there. Well, it's moving around. Something's happening. I'm kicking a beer, for sure.

But your comedy has good balance I'll say that I really do think you're so funny And I think most of the Most of the new world of comedy Saw you through the Kill Tony world Yeah does that make you're you annoyed by that Do you like that? No I think that's

The only thing that's like kind of annoying Is I was already doing it Doing stand up yeah And a lot of people like Oh my God her first time And I'm like uh uh no no Well as a comic we know that But I mean

that's the thing. It's kind of like someone said the other day, a buddy said to me about Gillis. He said that because we were out in New York together and he's like, that guy just came out of nowhere. I was like, no, that's, I mean, yes, yes, to America, sure, I guess. But all of us have been, you just,

America just gets to see it when something happens. Yeah. But the idea that it's like, oh, started a year or, you know, less than a year ago and now is selling out arena, it's like, that's not a real thing. Right. And if it was, we should all quit. But I guess he's open micros is a weird sense of like that

give me one year yeah that's all I need is one year that's it 10,000 hours I need 10 hours that's it and then I'm in that's it 10 hours spread out in 8 years that's right yeah yeah and then you're a superstar overnight no but you're right I do think like the beauty of kill Tony

is that you do I do get to see people pop off that deserve it which is good you know and I'm sure you know that there's people that you think don't deserve it I mean you sent me an entire email of names of people you hate. Yeah. Thank you for reading that. My editor, Joe, Joe, please put up all the names that she told us right here in the middle of all the people that she can't stand that made it.

We do want to docks you a little bit. No, and I love that. That's a quality. Like, for treating me normal. That's right. I don't want to give you special treatment. Right. You know, she made us open up the other door so she could get in. And I didn't like that. I said you should just be able to fight your way through and really get in on your own.

This is America. This is America. Yeah, dude. For now. For now. But I'm excited. Oh. I'm excited for...

Yeah, I'm excited. I want to speak Chinese. I'm excited for the takeover. Yeah. They keep threatening us and I'm like, let's do it. Yeah. And you're like, stop teasing me. Stop teasing me, China.

Really? Come get us. I don't think my fucking voice is made for Chinese. No, unfortunately, no. No, they're much more, they're quick. Their speech is quick and it's... Yeah. I don't think you could match that.

But do you know any other languages? I'm going to say no You do, don't you? No You do She's fluent in German Yeah I know Irish

You do? No That would be fucking amazing Collie is very That is really But also Lauren Yeah

So they did Lauren Collie initially Because my mom Really liked Lauren Bacall And they thought Really Do you know

who'd that? Lauren Bacall the actor? Yeah. But what she's like in love with her work and she was like, she's pretty

so that'll make my kid pretty and I was like, no, it put me in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's awful. Is Lauren Bacall in a wheelchair? Probably now.

Yeah. She dead. Is she dead? Is she dead? Oh, she's dead. I think dead people are all in wheelchairs, you know.

Yeah. And they're great. She's dead. How old, really? How, she died a long time ago? Wow. Okay.

Wow. I didn't know. Rest in peace. Fainting it like it's, yeah, oh my God, yeah. I didn't get an email that she died. That's pretty good. I wish someone notified me when she passed away. What is it, fans?

Wow. Oh, I was like, holy shit. She just died, yeah. 2014. At 90 years old. Wow. Was she hot when she died? Wow.

Yeah, she was pretty in her heyday. Yeah. In her heyday. but as she got older you can imagine yeah it got bad i was born in 2014 so i'm the reincarnation you are lauren's birth you were born in 2014

yeah i know i don't look good you don't look good for that age no that's giving 29 and it's really bad it's pretty bad my body is like 80 it's a nightmare oh is that really what it is 80 80 no this is like 65 to Okay, like a bad 65. No, like you've had, like you live, like you were touring rock and roll musician. I like people that think I'm an injured veteran.

You are. Thank you for your service, by the way. You're welcome. Yeah. And you're welcome. Well, he's from Spain. He doesn't count. He's not really, yeah. Take that back. He's gross. Spanish. Well, no, he just got citizenship, which is.

Oh, hell, yeah. That's good for him. When you did, when I, when you did say that, that joke about turning, you just turned 29. and then you put on that post about you blacking out on your birthday and him telling you not to do it. When you do black out, how much more fun is that wheelchair get?

Oh, man, real fun. You get loose on that thing. Everyone's in danger. Like, Matt will just do it himself and walk beside me and I'm like... Have you ever spilled? Have you ever crashed on that thing? Oh, my.

My God. Back when I was a younger wheelchair user, I would get pretty drunk and I'm like, no, I think I can do it. And I try to jump curbs. No. You can't. You cannot. No. I have given myself two different black eyes. From face first? Oh my God. Brick my glasses. You're lucky to knock your teeth out. Oh, I've done that. You have? How many are fake? Only one, the front one. This one? Yeah. Oh, mine's almost all the... This will be all fake at some point. I cracked it in half, and so that's going to go.

Doing what? Kissing a boy. You just can't... Kissing his wiener. Yeah, I was kissing his wiener. Sharp hard weiner. Yeah, dude. He goes, get on that thing.

No, it's stupid. I chipped it. So, I chipped it once playing basketball. Somebody's head hit it, and then I chipped it even worse. So it was just like a little cat or a bond. And then I chipped it even worse in New Orleans. high on mushrooms. Ugh.

As you do. Did you leave it for a while? Oh, I was in New Orleans for three more days. I had to have the chip before I returned home. But it is weird when you're on drugs and you feel your chip teeth because it's a mental. Because when I felt it, I thought my tooth is gone, the whole tooth. Yeah. It's not as bad as I thought it was.

Like it was a sliver, but I was pretty high and I thought, well, this is the worst. It's me now. This is me. I'm a chip tooth guy. That's like when Stabros lost his tooth You know Stavros the comic I haven't met him big fan When he had his tooth gone

I thought that was the fine I was like leave that out man Yeah Keep it If you can get laid Without a front tooth What's stopping you in life I mean

If someone's like I'll still hook up with you If that's the case And everything bad in that person's life Is their fault It is that's true That is true Everything bad in that person's life

is truly they're taking. Yeah, it's just something I like to say. A little wisdom, you know. Going backwards, I do hate the name Friedrich's a taxi. I hate it. It's bad. We can't get a new one? No, I've been petitioning, and no one's listening.

They can't read my handwriting. Yeah, it's just a little wobbling. It's a real back camera with my hands. I can't imagine. I can't even sign a check. Like, I was going to sign a check for someone, and I get nervous about signing. checks this must be that's hell on earth for you typing texting is hard so a voice text but it never

understands me so it's does it screw it up every time hey i just replied to a club being like hey we would need like a video or whatever i was like yeah today later i'll send you i was trying to say a shout out video but it auto corrected and i sent it and it said a shower video Did you send it? I mean, I had to. Yeah, you don't have a choice. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what the club needs.

Yeah. Coming to Funny Bone this summer, check out Fiona Cawley. Just you in the shower. It's way sadder than you'd think it'd be there. Matt washing my arms and I'm like... It's a good comedy video. Yeah. It's actually really good.

People love it. Yeah. No, you know what? Shows are sad for everybody. I was talking about... When you get out of the, I have a mirror that right as I get out of my shower. Like it's at you. And it really fucks me up every time.

Because just I don't, you know, I'm 42. My body is bad now. And my little red penis and it's wet. And it's just, it's really sad. It bums me out. And I said, I was like, man, I wish we didn't have that mirror there. And my wife was like, what are you going to fucking rip down the take off the mirror? It's glued to the wall.

I was like, I think I might want to. Because every time I step out, I see it. And I go, yuck. gross it's a bad way to start my day yeah to see your naked body wet wet naked body i don't know where that got in the in the social zeitgeist of like it's sexy when someone's wet no it's not shower is no one likes that uh-uh no it's gross oh you sending that shower video finally yeah yeah it finally i blotted sorry okay actually let me see let's experiment let me see you let's see you voice text me and let's see what it says give me a hard one

say Sally sells seashells down by the seashore Let's see what it does And don't change it after it says it By the way, I saved your contact and it's you And look it's you and then it's a little wheelchair afterwards Isn't that sweet? I love that

Yeah, just a little wheelchair It's like when you meet someone at a bar And you're like, chicken sandwich Because that's what they got I love that Let's see Sally sells seashells by the sea short. Send it.

Let's see what it said. Here we go. I actually kind of crush that. This is nuts. This is crazy. You guys are not going to believe what her auto-corrected, too. That's nuts, dude. Charlie Kirk was a sci-op for the government?

What is that? What is that? It says Sally is a cell, seashells, by the seashore, pretty close. Pretty close. I'll just send it most of the time around me. They'll figure it out. Yeah, they'll figure it out. It's like how moms do.

Oh, dude. My dad calls him, my dad's from the South. And sometimes his accent comes out. He's from North Carolina. But he's all but put it away because he's lived in Chicago for 40-some-odd years. But he can't say text. He'll say Texas, like texts, Texas. So he's like, well, I read all those texts that you guys sent.

I'm like, Texas? Texts. He's like, yeah, Texas said Texas that you sent. He can't get it out. Let me hear you say, you're from the South. Say text. Texts. Say texts, like plural.

Texts. See, you guys can't do it. No, the hardest edited. Edited. Edited. Edited. Let's make up a new word for edited. Yeah, that's an hate crime.

That is. That word. Yeah. Yeah, edited. I'm glad we're talking about it. Let's talk about more hate crimes. Yeah. Let's get these things moving along.

I love it. Don't use handicaps off. Don't use them. I'll get real mad. Never understood it. Also, well, this is a guy thing, but I get very bothered. When there's a two bathroom, it'll be a toilet and a urinal, and a man will lock that door. We should be able to pee at the same time.

But this is a guy thing. You know what I'm talking about. There will be a, it'll be a bathroom and it'll be a toilet. And then, you know, around the wall to the side is a urinal. We should be able to pee at the same time if you're comfortable with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal. And if you see mine and I see yours, so what? We're bonded.

Then we have something to talk about. Otherwise, we're just passing through time, you know? It's really what's ripping this kind of part. It's part of it. It's definitely part of it. Yeah. Yeah. I had a dream.

I had a stream. I had a stream. That one day two men could pee simultaneously together in heart. Harmony. Cute. One sitting down one between their legs. Oh, just pee right on them. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Some people like that stuff. Some people like that stuff. I are pretty mad and met my husband yesterday. Because he closes the door to the bathroom even when he's just being. And I feel like we're not married. Yeah, what is he doing in there? I don't know. So I'll ram the door.

Yeah, open it up. When he closed it even when he's peeing. Is that a risk? What do you hide? But is he being respectful? Is that like him? He said he thought it was gross, and I was like, I peeped the door open and he was like... It's gross, right.

No, I think what he's saying is he's like the lady in the relationship. He doesn't want to fart in front of you or you don't want to see... No, he does fart in front of me. That's why I'm like, what a boundary. Yeah. What a line. Pee with the door closed, but rip ass in bed. He's peeing with sitting down on bed and he's trying to hide it from me.

I think more men than you think sit down to pee. I get it. Standing up, why? Well, in the middle of the night. When you go pee in the middle of the night, you sit down. Yeah, you have to. I'm tired. Also, it's nice. Yeah.

It's really nice. I'm sorry, but it is just nice. I will say sitting and peeing was like the one thing women had over men and now y'all are taking that. Once again, the white straight man wins. Again. Yeah. You know, a black guy can't do it. No, they don't.

Because when it's going to touch the watch. Well, it goes into the, it goes into the hole. Yeah. And if you accidentally flush. Oh god, I hate it right off. It's like an automatic toilet. Can't get away from that. I hate that.

That'll grab you. Has he ever peed on you? Not on berber. In the shower. Yeah. Yeah, see, I do it to my wife sometimes for fun. You guys hate it. Yeah, but I can't get it away.

Neither can she. I'm in front of the door. It's a small little shower. Where are you going to go? Where are you going to go? It is very fun. I don't know what it is about peeing on your significant other. that's very fun. It's in the shower.

It's going to come off. You're fine. I wish I could pee on him. Well, you could throw it. Create something to bounce it off there. Do you pee in the shower? Do women pee in the shower? I mean, I have, yeah. We have to. It's nature for men.

But I change the disability thing. I change when I'm sitting on the toilet. It's just easier. Yeah. And so when I shower, I always sit in the toilet first to take my clothes off. Sure. Yeah. Well, that's...

Peeing there. Yeah, that's right. You already... But doesn't the water kick it in again? Sometimes even if I already peed, I get in the hot water, I'm like, I have to pee again. Mm-hmm. No? Mm-mm.

I'm drinking a lot of water. Yeah. Speeding. Here. You want this? Yeah. Too bad. Fuck.

There's that ego again, man. They're bribing a wheelchair and they do water. That's so funny. I was like, do you want this? You're like yeah, no, you can't have it. Too bad. Too bad. That's too damn bad. Have you ever had someone go to, like if you're at a bar and they're like, I can't serve you. Have you ever had this? That's insane. I have a friend who's handicapped that has had this before and they're like...

What kind of handicap? Like, in a walk? In a wheelchair. In a wheelchair. A spinal cord injury? Car accident. I don't know what that, I don't know what do you... Is there a term? Peripelagic? I don't think it's... Yeah, maybe. Is it paralyzed?

Can he stand sometimes? A little bit. Okay. He's a... He's a phony? Yeah, he's a faker. You look down on those people. Oh, we have a word for that, yeah.

It's called bullshit. Yeah. But he's had that where a bartender's been like, no, I can't. And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. I can't. I'm sorry, man. I...

That happened to me a lot before the wheelchair, because my... voices like this because of this, right? Because your tongue is a muscle. Yeah. When I walked with nothing, I remember on my 21st birthday, I could walk, but it was real wobbly. And I was so stoked to, like, buy a drink illegally. And I walked up to the bar, and immediately, it was like, we're not serving you. And I was like, oh, totally good.

I have this disease. I explain it a little bit. And he goes, yeah, I've heard. heard that one. Like from fucking who. Okay. I gotta tell you, I'm gonna use that next time I'm out. You're like, oh, I have very drugs, a taxi.

Someone's like, I think you're hammered. It's like, I don't think you understand what's really going on. The stair, the down stairways. I don't think you really know what's going on. I have features a taxi. My name was Fiona. I changed it to Andrew when I was a child. That's funny.

So you, because you change your name, now do you still love it or no? I'm glad I did. Could you imagine? Lauren? Yeah. We wouldn't have had you on the show. I know. Yeah, I don't really. Lauren's are...

Lauren's mean. Dude, it's so funny you say that because I was thinking I just had a moment flashback of like girls I knew when I was young named Lauren. And I knew one lovely one, but she was hiding something. And the other ones were just... Lauren is kind of... Lauren's hot and Lauren's a little mean because... she's hot. But hot in like a sport way. Like she plays soccer.

Soccer. Yeah, of course she plays soccer. Yeah, Lauren does. I played soccer for six years. Did you, what position were you? Oh, I was a child, so. Carwheels, mostly. Carwheels, yeah. Carwheels and flower picking? Yeah. Yeah. No, soccer is

Lauren's sport and she's, and Lauren's little loud in every room, and she's kind of brash about it. But she's, the truth really is her uncle touched her when she was young and then she's holding on to this. She didn't know how to talk about it yet. She can't talk about it. She's not ready. She's definitely not ready.

She's definitely not ready. No. Your parents' divorce is the most traumatic thing that happened to you, huh? Yeah. Yeah. By far the worst. Yeah. Do you still get along with both of your parents? No. Not at all. I get along with my mom. Lovely mom. Yeah. And your mom's first letter is? A.

Angel. Yep. Got it. she's an angel and your dad you don't talk no gone dead no not dead a sad face not dead

not yet no it is funny how you always got to pick one during a divorce you just have to yeah you really do I mean the courts just died most of the time

yeah they big day after nay they pick the angel yeah they pick the other one is your mom in Nashville yeah she'll never leave no

Loves it down there. She's born and raised there too? No. She's from Pittsburgh. Steeler is... Yikes. Oh, no. Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh is a... Pittsburgh is a beautiful place. And by the way, now you're like, and I'll be there at the Pittsburgh Improv. Oh, yeah. No, you know, Pittsburgh is a... It's a tough city because it's Western PA, which is like... Eastern Midwest, it's like basically Ohio to us because I'm a Chicago guy. And for some reason, every time we've played Pittsburgh, something weird has happened.

Like something, like the show, the last time I was there was Chris O'Connor, the mics went out. We did, we had a bad show. Bad friends had a bad show out there. I don't know what it is. Pittsburgh's got a looming cloud over it. It needs its angel back. That's the problem. She left.

She got out of there. And when she left, everything went south. Everything went to shit. Yeah, and that was in like 89. That's when it started, yeah. Yeah, that is actually exactly when I started. And Matt's from Nashville? No, he's from Alabama.

Oh, he's from Alabama? No. Tuscaloosa? Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Tuscaloosa. Yeah.

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You haven't talked to him enough. Yeah, I don't want to. I wouldn't. No, that's, yeah. Well, after I heard about the show, peeing closed door thing. I'm like, I'm out on this guy. I first thought he was a yes, issues.

Yeah. And I married him because I'm like, I can face you. Yeah, you can. He's like, you gotta pay yourself first. And I'm like, I'm not a doctor, you know. But it'll get, it's eventually it'll iron itself out. Yeah, it is what it is. I don't care. No. Who gives

your shit? Yeah, you got what you need. You got that rock and you're moving forward. Yeah. That's all you really wanted. How long have you been married? Uh, three months. Oh, this is fresh, fresh. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So this is still, this is still the, but you've known each other for a long time or no? Three years. That's pretty quick. Yeah. That's good. Which is, it's weird when you do that and you've dated other people for like five years before, you know. It speaks volumes about those other people. Yeah.

That they're worthless trash. Yep, that's right. My track record ain't very good. Well, you dated a lot. What kind of guy was you? you were you a sucker for it was it the asshole or was it the what were you what was the mistakes before oh god i think it was like the unemployed drug addict i was really into love those guys me fucking do i've done more for that community then yeah you really you really lifted them up

well my grown up the dynamic in the household was always the woman made the money Always, because your mom was a, like, a workforce. Yeah. Did she have multiple jobs? Well, so when my dad left her, she got fired from her job and was like, oh, my God, I have three kids. What the fuck am I going to do? No money and no help, you know. Wow.

And she started a company, and that was like 15, 16 years ago, and she's very well off now. That's awesome. It's crazy. That's so cool to hear. Yeah. Because your dad was like, I'm not going to help. No alimony, no child support, nothing. Well, my mom made most of the money.

Anyway, she made it anyway. That's fucking crazy. Wow. I like that strong single mom shit. Yeah, so I was like, yeah, it's normal dad to pay for everything. Sure. Yeah. That's a part of it.

So then you'd meet a drug addict, loser with no job, and you'd go, listen to you. That's my dad. This is dad. Found him. You have no connection to your father anymore. He's not, he's, I'm, uh, no, I don't really. Good. Talk to him.

I was kind of, it's not like he, like, hit me or, you know what I mean? He did this? It kind of in a way. Yeah, genetically. Genetics, yeah. That's why he ran away. Yeah? Like a bitch.

He didn't run away. He just ran upstairs and I haven't seen himself. Yeah, you can't get up there, can you? Well, you got to get one of those wee, the thing from the, the chair from the, yeah. Those are great. My father wants one of those. And he's not, he's able. He just doesn't want to go upstairs.

He goes, can I make sure it look too fun. You do make it look fun. Like, look at that. Things are orange, and you did that. She painted this just for the show. For listeners, you should tune in to YouTube and see because she painted orange for me, which is sweet. How natural is this color?

Let's be real. You're not really one of us. I know you're not. Why? I can tell. How? We know. There's a thing inside.

Yeah, I've always lied about. about it. I've been read for 15 years. Yeah, and before it was just a, it was like a strawberry blonde. Yeah, I know. I can feel it.

I hate you for that. I planned on, I planned online to you. I was like, I'm gonna get his ass. No, you can't. No, because we know our own kind. What gave it away? I'm so pale.

I just think we know, no, you are very pale, but your facial structure is not a red-headed facial structure. I'm sorry to tell you. Thank you. It's a compliment. We can really see our own.

I mean, I kind of don't look like a usual redhead because I have dark eyes. Most redheads have lighter like you. I know, but they don't look like you. They don't. This is a compliment. I know. I got the arm thing going on for sure. Yeah.

That you do. That is true. But honestly, I just, we can feel it. Yeah, you're not going to get away with it. Not with me, pal. But it is a thing where pale girls who do, do it, have gotten away with it for a long time. And it stops today

on whiskey ginger. I've never been called out like this. Because you just roll around town, I'm hot shit. Friedrich de Tanksia. Look at me, look at me. You're a fake redhead. Honestly, I want to be mad, but you're so brave for calling

me out. Well, I have to. I don't have a choice. I didn't know this was a got your show. That's a camera, that's a camera, that's a camera. he's not even Spanish No but you You do it well I'll say that We accept you and we love you very much

I try really hard Well it was a torturous thing as a child My buddy asked me the other day Devontre Coleman who Who goes on the road with me He said Did you get bullied for having red hair And I said no I got bullied for other stuff

It wasn't really there It was more that I was loud obnoxious And I thought I was I just wanted to be the life of the part because your mental state from home, you know, I had a single mother for a while when I was a kid. My parents split and then, you know, that's why I said that single mom stuff. I do mean it. I've talked about on the show a lot that like I think single mom, it's such a badass thing

when a mom just takes control and stuff because my mom never wanted anything from my father because then she would have owed him a piece of me. Right. So it was a great, it was almost motivation to be like, fuck you. I'm not going to give you my, you don't get to see your kid then. I'm going to own the kid I'm going to take care of them and then there's no like

oh can I come you know it's like when people break up and they're like split the dog you're like no that's not you gotta let the dog go do you talk to him now we do years later now yeah now that I'm grown we speak yeah

but it's different because we're men you know what I mean like we're just what's odd is like what I mean by that is we're too grown I'm a grown man he's a grown man it's like I didn't know him like kids do when they know their

parents growing up through divorce. I didn't really know him. I know pieces of them for sure, but like it's different. And my life, I moved here when I was, I left when I was 18 and went to Arizona and then moved here. So I don't, I didn't have that, you know, those formidable years with him. But my mom and my stepdad, great guy, you know, they, really good people. But she was a, she was a dog. I said her one time, did you ever have panic attacks? Because I used to get panic attacks. and she was like oh yeah when I first split with your dad I'd stay up all fucking night long

sweating thinking about like I'm not gonna be able to pay rent like what am I gonna do? Where am I gonna go? But she is a gangster She did she's a bad bitch My mom's a bad at Mo Money Moms are fucking insane

Yeah they're insane Yeah it's the best thing in the world I couldn't do it Yeah fuck men Say it yeah fuck men Pigs Fuck the pigmen Yeah that's right

Not Matt. Not, no, Matt's great. No, Matt is great. Keep the door open. Keep the door open, you fucking weirdo. What are we doing? I don't know.

Well, how about this? Do you guys have, like, I'm at a point, we've been together so long that like, if it's a show that she wants to watch

that I don't want to watch, I used to just go, all right, I'll just watch it. Now I'm honest. Now I'm like, I don't like this shit. I don't want to watch it together.

I'm sorry. Like, we'll do other things together, but will you do this or you'll just put up you'll put up with it? I will never pretend I want to watch something

I don't want from day one You're like no I'm not doing that shit I'll leave I'll do something else But he'll be like yeah it's fun And then he'll get it on his phone Right

And play TikTok's out loud While I'm trying to watch This murder doc, you know Well you're trying to collect information On how to kill him He should be paying attention I really like murder dogs Because it just like

Reminds me It could be worse You know It's a good Yeah Appreciation Kind of It could be way worse

I just saw a news article About that About a guy Who concocted this plan To kill his wife So he could be with his Opaire Their nanny

It's the same thing Isn't it? What's a difference A fancy Overse or a live-in Nanny? It's a live-in nanny Right

Which is fucking I don't like These French words Entering our No Just say live-in nanny Yeah House bitch.

Oh, Perra. I can't even house bitch. Just be house bitch. But he was going to kill his wife to be with this girl, you know, obviously half his age or whatever. Oh, yeah. And then she caught him. And it's just like, what? She caught him planning?

Yeah, she caught him mid-plan. You know, there is something beautiful, though, about, like, a man being able to make a plan. That is kind of sexy. I can't appreciate that. Well, that's why you guys like serial killers and these crazy men because they really, they really planned it out. Yeah. Like the guy that builds a bomb in the woods,

women couldn't find him any sexier because you're like, you did that? Oh my God. You like ran errands and stuff? Multiple times in a row. You made a list. You made a fucking list. And you checked it?

Twice. That's why women are horny for Santa, too. Same thing. Yeah. Incredible. I got I want to sit on his lab. We get a big. barb, you know.

Santa has been sexualized. It's way too much. Yeah, and we don't talk about it. Yeah, because he's got daddy vibes. He's overweight. He's the ultimate Papa. He is the ultimate Papa. Papa Bear, a big daddy bear.

Yeah. Now, see, you know, I think it's time we stop sexualizing these fantasy creatures. I mean, the tooth fairy. I used to get off to the tooth fairy. She's stealing my teeth. Sexy. What a nasty little bit? nasty bitch

Have we ever seen an image of the tooth fairy? I don't even think I... Do you even have the tooth fairy in Spain? You guys don't do that, do you? I kind of imagine it would be a really scary thing. She wears the teeth around her neck or some shit. Yeah, like what does the tooth fairy look like in our mind? Like, if an actress played the tooth fairy, who would it be?

What actress would play the tooth fairy? I already got it. Emma Stone. Emma Stone. she'd be a really good tooth fairy. I have it. I know exactly who would be perfect. Helena Bottom Carter. And Tim Burton would direct it. Do you know who that is?

You do know her. She's in every Tim Burton movie of all time. She's also, well, not every Tim Burton movie. Yeah, every Tim Burton movie. You've seen this woman before. I'm going to show you her and you're going to go, this woman could play the tooth fairy. What's her most famous role? Her woman, I was, I mean. She's in Harry Potter. Yeah, you tell me that's not the tooth fairy? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. But she's always been kind of this fantastical actress who, I think this is a rude statement that I'm about to say, but I mean it. The juice, no. She's like, she is in real life what I think, what's her name from Stranger Things? What's the mom? Billy Bobby. No, no, no, the mom.

What's wrong with her? Winona Ryder. She's, I think, what Winona Ryder. wants to be. But Helen Bottom Carner is just better at living it. But Nona Ryder kind of like

performatively does it? After Beetleju she was like it's got to be me. It's got to be me. I'm the strange girl. I get it. Why Nona Ryder

is super pretty though. She is. Well, it's not a pretty thing. It's more like a unique look. Right. She's got a funky look. Like you, you don't have a funky look. It's unfortunate.

Not even a redhead look. No, you're not really castable. Still thinking about that. They're like, how about that pretty fake red-headed girl and they're like, no, I don't really like that girl at all. Everyone vomits a little bit in their mouth

did they swallow it to be polite? Well, what was breakfast? You know? Put it right back in there. Round two, maybe. Do you want to get into that world? Do you want to act or do any of that bullshit? Yeah, I would love to. You do?

Maybe, maybe I'll try to put you. Well, we're working on a non-scripted bad game show which me and Bobby are doing a game show. that's like an adult game show basically. Yeah, so maybe you can play a little around a little... I mean, I would not say no. To a fellow redhead.

A fellow, yes, to one of my fellow brethren. And you're Chinese, right? Yes. He's Korean, but still. I'm privately, but... Right, right. There's a lot of people that are Asian at home, but white in public. Yeah.

There is an obsession with, like, the youth culture of, especially Korean films now are so hot and Japanese, K-pop stuff. anime? Yeah. I never got that. Never got into it. No.

Do you have any obscure things like that that you like that you're embarrassed about? Come on, give it to me. Give me one. What do you really like that you're kind of ashamed of? I hate, like, you know the phrase hate watching? I think it's annoying because you're not hating. You're watching you like it. Like when somebody goes, I hate watch reality shows.

Like, you just like it. Just say you fucking like it. No, I love reality. But I know when people say I hate watch, like they hate watch the Kardashians. You're like, no, you don't. You like it. Because if you hate it, I hate

I hate jump scare films so I just won't watch them I hate like um God bobs that shit ridiculousness

Oh with Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah Rob Deirdick Yeah just like people falling and shit I do not find funny No because when it happens to you it's not funny It's not funny No it's not funny

I'm like ah I don't like that nut kicking the penis stuff yeah that's yeah I'm not really huge fan it's so like child you're a sophomoreic yeah I mean I get the

like the jackass of it all sometimes is fun but it's also like I just don't no not for you at all even the originals wow see I liked it when I was young but when I get older when I got older I just kind of

did like to see men get kicked in the penis it bummed me out yeah especially because you know I don't have any kids and I was like well this guy can have kids he still gets kicked in the cock That bothers the shit on

I feel about people on Jagas I'm like you can walk You're taping yourself to the ground Within a bull ring Like whatever the fuck they're doing It's like peanut butter on their dick I don't know Yeah it's very strange

Stuff like that it's been a while since No you got it It's kind of it It's peanut butter on the penis And a tarantula running it's that Yeah Same stuff Yeah yeah

But it is funny I think they're doing another one right They're gonna make their final one they said and what's even more interesting to me is like John and Axel's got to be like late 50s, is that right? He looks good though. He does, yeah, he's a hot guy.

He's a handsome mother boy. He is a hot guy. Do you have a celebrity crush? Right now? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Fettywop.

Fettiewap. He's your guy, huh? Yeah, he could get it, dude, in my whole path. And he looks kind of like your husband. That's what I'm your saying. Keep in the fan. Yeah, you got to keep it.

Yeah, you have to. You have to have a theme to going. Fettywop is your guy, huh? Yeah. He's hot. Yeah. Think about a wop, you know? Yeah.

You get it? Yeah, I got it. Who would you think my celebrity crush would be? Your wife is white. She's white, yeah. Oh, my. Hey. Poo!

Yeah, she's a white lady. Kristen Bell. No, but that's really good. white lady. That's good. That's good. Because she's fucking super talented. She's like cute. She's adorable. Yeah, she's adorable. But she's not like big boobs. Yeah, not like

right. Yeah, that's pretty good. I think right now my celebrity crush is who's the chick from Wicked? Ariana Grande. No, the other one. Cynthia Revo. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Interesting.

I'd say that for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're pretty similar, her and I. We're like really, we're elusive and odd and quirky. He just want to hold her a little finger. I want to hold her finger on a broadcast.

Yeah, I get it. Everyone wants to. You're not alone. That relationship they have is very strange. Very. It grosses me out. It really makes me sad. It makes me a nazy.

And she's very talented. Shout out to you, Cynthia Rivo, like you'd ever fucking know this happened. But genuinely, it bums me out. Because I see that and I go, this is the trappings of actual you drank the Kool-Aid of Hollywood. Yeah. Like, you really did. Like, because there's no way that's a real personality. The way laws and the codependence or something so strange.

That's the kind of stuff that America jokes about when they go, Hollywood's fucked up. And we're like, not all of it. And then you see that and you go, okay. Fair. We can't help ourselves when that stuff happens. You go, right, yes, you're right. I can't even defend that because it's so odd. It makes me feel like I'm not even part of.

the entertainment industry you're not you're not it's totally fair yeah you're not I came here to find out thank you for being honest you're not a redhead you're not in the biz fuck no I I that that stuff has slowly turned me off as years have gone on

because all I wanted to do is be a stand-up comic who did comedic acting gigs and then now I just don't really understand what any of it is anymore anyway so now I'm like you're very good by the way I'm okay I'm not bad. I watched a Dave when it came out.

Thank you, yeah. It was a fun show. That was fun. The problem is they don't do those things anymore. You're like, can we make something fun again? And Hollywood's like, no fucking way, dude. Yeah. It's got to be a...

Have you seen the free Bert thing? No. Really funny. What is that? It's Bert Croucher made a... Oh, Bert's new show. Yes. What am I saying?

Dude, I don't know. I've never met him. The show is so good. It's really good. And I'm really good. And I'm... very judgmental. Yeah, I was just going to say, you don't seem like someone who lies. I won't bring it up, yeah. Yeah, well, let me tell you something. We're going to call

Albert right now because I want, honestly, because I'm not going to lie to him. I haven't seen the show. I helped, I posted about it because I'm proud of my buddy. Hey, you're on my podcast right now and I'm here with Fiona Collie, who's fucking hysterical. And she just said on the show how much she loves your new show. She goes, it's so fucking funny and so good. And for a second, I was going to lie and say I saw it, but I haven't seen it. But now I'm gonna. Well, you're the man. We love you. And Fiona says it's fantastic.

And anything else you want to say? That's really powerful? No, that's it. That's it. All right. I love you, buddy. Bye, dude. Look at that. We just made his day.

That's so sweet. He needs it right now. He's going through something. Very, very bad. Yeah, he's going through a bottle of vodka right now. Yeah. And it is not these. Spence of God.

It's a real bad. Pop off, baby. Bottom shelf. He's actually taking a break from drinking. He's got a little, he's told me he's taking a little sabbatical, which I think is, we all need it. I'm doing the opposite.

Me too. Everyone did the dry January, and I just couldn't do it. I'm more for mama. That's what the reason. What's your drink of choice? Well, hold on, let me guess. You're not a beer girl, no chance.

No, you're too fit to be a beer girl. because beer girls well I grew up with beer girls I grew up in the Midwest Beer girls are just They're a little bit more staunch They're stocky Which I do love about

Midwest girls They take off their jacket And they're fucking jacked And you're like I'm not going to hurt you No no Just gonna hug you son You are a

Maybe tequila No Is it like a vodka soda thing It is that bum me out I also love bourbon You do Like so much. If it wasn't so early, we'd be drinking, but you also have to do three other shows today.

I love bourbon. It doesn't love me. What do you mean by that? Matt, I'm only allowed to drink it at home. Well, because you get no fights in public. I just love it. It's so good. It's real potent.

So real quick, I'm like, oh, fuck. I know. I had some last night at the house, and then my wife and I played cards, and I got upset because she beat me every time. What kind of cards? We played, we played 31, and then we were, we're, we're, we're, you know what's so funny is like, we have to, I have to do two things at once. So we were planning flights for my sister's wedding and planning all the bullshit. And I was like, can we do something while we're doing this? Because it gives me anxiety.

That's smart. I don't like, oh, I'm so bad at like, I'm, Mr. Last Minute too. Like, I just don't, it gives me anxiety to be like, okay, if this flight's here into that hotel and then we're going to go to your parents' house and then I was like, can we play cards while we're looking up flight stuff? So we played 31, then we played golf. You ever played golf? Golf's fun. Wanda? No, not the real thing. Golf the card game.

You get six cards, you're allowed to flip over two. You have to pair and match with them, and you get to draw from the top. And whoever is the lowest at the end. It's a stupid little. It's a mindless game that we play that she beats me every time. But I'm not smart, so it does. So it almost like she should let me win. It's a little offensive.

It is. She's like, won again. It's like, yeah. It's starting to hurt. It's cool that she's not scared about, like, you hitting her. Well, I mean, not after the police have been called. I mean, my God. You know, like, you call somebody now, I'm right?

No, you know, she's more scared of, she's more scared of me going to get another cocktail after I've lost so many times. I'm like, well, I'm just going to drink again then because I keep losing at the card game. And it's your fault. Is that what you say when you get up to, yeah? I go, and I'm doing this because of you. and then I'll pour it down my mouth The worst is when I want another one I can't like lift a heavy bottle and pour it

it and I'll be like you don't need another one I'm like please pour me another one And then I'll be like no And I'll be like that's fucked up to use my disability Against me and I'm like oh my God That is fucked up though Who does he think he is? Right You don't own me

You know what? Close the door bitch You close the door bitch You close the door and you pee sitting down. And I got cameras in there, Matt. Guess what? They're all over the place. You will never find them.

That is fucked up if he does. Well, what's your limit? Would you know when you hit your limit? Are you someone that's like, fuck it. I just got to party. I do know, but it depends if I'm like celebrating something or no. Yeah. Yeah, if you're doing like a bit, if something big is upon us, we must.

Yeah. Well, you're in town because you're going down to San Diego to do shows. Is that right? Um, yes, and I've showed the store. Store, you gotta show at the store. Where in San Diego are you playing? Mic drop. Oh, mic drop, right, right, right, right, right, right.

I've never been, but I know it. I know of it. Their menu fucks. It's so good. Really? It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, San Diego, another place that had a million clubs pop up over.

I mean, we were La Jolla guys, the comedy store, because if you started the store up here, it was just, that's where you had to play. Yeah. You could do other ones, but they really frowned on it. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a big, back in the day, Mitsy, would, yeah, the fear of Mitzie for us at the store was like, yeah, the new generations don't have that, which it's great for you guys, but it did instill this like, you better not upset the house.

I wish I had that. It's cool. Well, you're not scared to anybody. No, no, you're scared of curbs. Yeah. Yeah, those things. Male or female. A one step?

One step? Good night, yeah. I mean, it's like... One step is worse than a bunch. Oh, big time. Because you think you can do it. Now you're on the ground. Yeah, dude.

One step. Four steps is like, oh, okay, I'm not going to go over there. Yeah, I'm going to throw them. Right. You're not going to cross the street. You know what I mean? You're going to stay in line. Yeah.

But one step, you go, I'll challenge. Yeah. Why if I'm American? I can do this. You can do it. Yeah, you can. No, I think the world of you guys not having those threats is a good thing. Honestly, like, I think the community is a guy.

gotten better and stand up. We were, it was like, you know, like the world of, of like, when Tony was out here and stuff like that, like the store was a dark, dark place, man. People were fucking mean. It was like there was no, it wasn't like, we're all buddies. It was like, fuck you. I'll kill you for stage time. Yeah, you guys not, your generation, it's like everyone's a friend. It's the weirdest thing. It's great. But it's not always real. And that's stressful. Yeah, that's true. Like trying to navigate, like, is this my friend? Or can I not trust this person?

Well, you can't trust them, but they might still be your friend. Only time we'll tell. Yeah. With comics especially in our business, it's like you do see, especially when you continue to be successful, good luck. I can't wait for people to start hating you. I'm so excited. You're only to the Barty, my friend. Well, then I want to join.

Whoever's out there hating on her, please send me all the hate so I can read. it privately behind her back I really would love that nobody hates you you're a liar no chance there is one person that we both know that hates you very very much a lot you want to say it out loud we can say it right now

I think you should say it you want me to you have a little more Bobbera Jay Leno he invited you in a car once and you said I don't know if it's gonna work out and he was so offended and he was like I don't really like that girl he loosened all my

bolts when I wasn't looking. He's a car guy. He knows how to fix and break that thing at the same time. He really is diabolical J-Lano. People don't really know that about him, that he's been picking on the disabled for years. Oh my God, he's a breeze threat. Yeah. He sees a ramp make stairs. That mother fun.

Why should make more stairs around town? I don't think we need more ramps. No more ramps. Ramp people. What do you need ramps for? What do they need ramps for? Do you? Rell around you. You're going to ride. Why? Why did I bring up Jay Leno? He was at the store the other night. That's why I just got in my head.

He's a very nice guy. He's a sweet guy. Who was your North Star when you started comedy? Who do you think was like your... Who's your favorite? When I started definitely Josh Blue. Josh Blue. Yeah.

Phenomenal comic. Yeah, I met him once. Yeah? Before, way before I was a comedian. And I was in a wheelchair at that time. I went to a show at Zanis, and I got shitface at the show. And there was like a mean greet he was doing on your way out, and I just, like, was like, you know, you're working.

But I was talking too much. I was being complimentary, but I was being drunk. You were fanning out. Yeah. Yeah. And his sister was so nice. I was like, hey, girl, let's keep moving. That is so.

It was. And I've never. met him again. Well, let's meet him again. No. Bring him in. Josh! He's very funny. And also, I'm sure he'd love to meet you again. In this state, now that you're in?

Sober. Yeah. Sober and a successful comedian? That's huge. You were like, I met you when I was a bumbling idiot. Yeah. And now... Maybe you thought I was disabled and not drunk. That's what I got away. It's a good sell. No one's ever

really going to know. I don't really know. Yeah, I do think you did smell a little like vodka when you walked out. Whoa, you're smelling ladies now? Yeah, I got it. That's part of the show. We'll cut to the smelling lady clip right now where I sniff the ladies. No, he's, that's a good one. Who's like, who's your favorite of all time? God, that's so hard.

I don't want to glaze anyone. Oh, who gives it? They're not going to fucking. No one cares. Nobody cares. Um, the greatest of all time. It's tough, huh? You think there's too many of them? Yeah. That's the problem, right? I mean, Shankillis is very funny. He might be your greatest. Yeah, but I don't want it. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. I always say a dead guy. Oh, that's good. Then it's no skin. Uh, fucking mid-Tedberg. Yeah.

phenomenal. See, that's great. No one can get mad when you say the dead guy's the greatest. Like Norm. Yeah. For me, it's like Norm or Geraldo? Greg Gerardo. Did you know who that was? Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. He was awesome. He was fucking. I mean, you wouldn't have, I mean, he died a while ago, sadly. He was so, I think he's, look him up and you'll go, right away, you'll go, ah, yes, I get this. This guy's brilliant.

Ralphie Mae, very funny. Yeah, very funny. Not dead. What? No, he came back. Oh. You just made me sweat. No, no, no. I was like, oh my God. He was so fucking funny, too. Or let's name dead people that weren't funny.

Here we go. Oh, fine. One, two, three. We'll say it at the same time. No, I get that, though. You are right to say that it is kind of hard to name someone right now because you're like, well, I don't know. If you know them, it is hard. But it does feel good if you create a relationship with someone that you, like I grew up loving Chappelle.

And then to have a relationship with him as an adult is weird. Yeah. It's fucking amazing, but I'm like, that's so crazy. It's weird to be like, you idolize someone and then you're like, oh, like parts of the person annoy me, like a normal friend. Sure, yeah, they have to. Well, then you know you actually really like them. Yeah. Because if it was the other version of it, you'd be like, well, this is all fake.

Everything is good about them. No chance. No. I was a really big fan of Sam Morrell. Yeah, love Sam. I love Sam. Yeah, he's the best. I got to do him in Mark's first.

We might be drunk. Yeah. And you got drunk. And I got real drunk. Would they feed you bourbon? Those guys love bourbon. Baga soda. Oh.

Because they got, we got bodega cat here. We have their booze here. Yeah, they sent us home with one and it's all gone. Ooh. I wish I could send you home with some good bourbon from here, but the problem is, well, you've got to, you're flying back. Yeah. So it's a waste, huh? Yeah.

Oh, you can put in your bag, but if it breaks. We do. Yeah. Nah. I know. I've done that once. I took home a nice bottle and broke. because I didn't wrap it properly

and so my suitcase was booze. It was just all my clothes. I had booze jeans for a while. Booze jeans. And you can't get, I don't know, man, if you know about denim, my God, I don't care how many times you wash it, it stays. Yeah.

Booze jeans stays. Good to know. Yeah. Well, Japanese denim should take note about that. Make jeans that are unboozable. Also, don't pack it in your bag like an idiot. Are you, so you're on the road and then are you in this mental space

of maybe doing a special at some point? Yeah, but I don't want to Take your time Don't do it Jump the gun Yeah, don't do it Yeah, so they suck anyway They're fucking, it's a nightmare

Recording stuff sucks Letting go of my first Like full out And I change it I throw shit out of it But new stuff in constantly Yeah Like it never is the same hour

Like Three months later I panic I don't know Yeah but that's healthy I think if you're not changing it Your stagnancy is terrible So if you're not changing it

that's but that's why it's hard to record something because you're like I like I like it more now than I did then or sometimes you're like I didn't even like it the way I thought I liked it at the time yeah it's so hard I mean maybe in like one or two years but like truthfully I'm so new in comedy I don't think I like deserve to have a special yet like I need to earn the time yeah but yeah you need your stripes um like just like when you were in the service just just like when you Thank you for me. Yeah, I forgot. Your Marine is what, that's what it was?

Can you imagine if you did like Stolen Valor, who would say anything? That would be a great video on YouTube. It's actually when I used a walker to get around. I didn't know it was a Veterans Day. And I was wearing my friends a whole day that's a U.S. Marine on it. I went to a Mexican restaurant with my friends. and someone paid her a tab and came up and said,

thank you for your service. Oh, my God. I panicked and all I could say was, oh my God, any time. But do you, okay, they pay the tab. Now, to make up for that, just tip well. No.

No. You're right. No, those people don't deserve a good tip. You are absolutely right. Good for you. Actually, that bothered me at the airport the other day. They say, when they board and they say,

people who need help getting on board or active duty military why do they have to be fucking active I think it should just be anyone that's it's a weird thing to differentiate to go hey no no you got to be active right now

it's like if you did the military fucking let them on the let him go in the military chunk it's really strange I don't like it it bothers me and then they do the thing that actually bothers me the most is when they do

they'll do like people with disability people that need help getting on board active to do the military and then they'll do families of small children no you don't even deserve to get on fuck you guys no you know what drive get off the plane

drive you pig people he's got a little kid I can't stand that I could tell yeah you can smell it on him yeah it's really bad he's got a beautiful little child a gorgeous little child and she's bilingual already well because he's Spanish

How old is she? She's extremely cute. It's obnoxious. The problem is, as mediocre looking as he is, the woman he married is stunning. She's fucking beautiful. And so they made a beautiful little girl, and it bothers me because of how low on the totem pole of looks he is. Because usually it goes, two ugly people make a pretty person. And two pretty people make a mediocre person.

but a pretty woman and a mediocre man it's a wild gamble and he won and that's another thing that makes me mad about working with him and employing him and pisses me off. That's totally fair. I'd be furious. I'm pissed. I'm pissed off. And people at home don't know it's not McCone this week.

It's Fancy B, it's Andres. That's so funny because we don't have a camera on him. So people don't know. People think I'm maybe talking about McCone. But McCone is stuck on the East Coast and we hope he gets stuck forever. At least fancy does. Look, we're going to end the show because I'm really, really pissed off right now.

And me. Yeah. No, it's honestly been a pleasure and I genuinely mean this. I think you're very funny and I can't wait to see what you do next. And I do hope those murder charges get dropped for you because I don't think you deserve that. Thank you. It was an accident. It was an accident, dude.

Things happen. Yeah. And you're on the road. Fiona collie.com is probably what it is. It's got to be, right? Christ it. Yeah. go see her live, please.

She's probably going to be touring for the next few months. And then she summers in Greece, as we all know on a boat. We've seen the photos. Yep. I'm good on a boat. You are good on a boat.

It kind of balances it out. I know I've got my lane legs, so it's good to be out there, you know. Go see her live. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera and you say one word, or one phrase to end the episode.

So it used to be a word, and then I said, oh, if you have a phrase or something of wisdom to impart, or just a word, if you want to leave it at that, you can do it whenever you're ready into that camera. Okay. I'm scared.

Sizzle. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a good. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's all hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. I like gingers.