Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

Santino sits down with the potato famine prince himself Greg Fitzsimmons to chat about pushing the limits of writing for TV and stage, joke thievery and how you must learn to read the room and so much other stuff that's its hard to encompass in this description...just listen to the 2 hour jam fest between these two Mc's. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com GO TO www.andrewsantino.com FOR ALL THINGS CHEETO Listen to Greg's podcasts...all 40 of them https://gregfitzsimmons.com SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SHADY RAYS - Get amazing polarized sunglasses at a great price and if they get damaged or lost they'll replace for FREE go to https://shadyrays.com and enter promo code WHISKEY for 50% off two or more pairs 😎 Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining us, please subscribe to the show. Tell a friend. Help us out, okay? We're just trying to spread the word of this wonderful show today. My guest is Greg Fitzsimmons. I love this dude to death. He is a beautiful, sweet little man who I can fit in my back pocket. Tiny in stature, huge in status in the comedy community. We love him so very much. And he was super fun to riff with. As far as myself goes, can't tell you guys what's going on with touring. It's really tough right now.

We're figuring out dates. We're reconfiguring the entire schedule. As you know, we can't help it. But good news, we got that merch, baby. We got that brand new merch. This Whiskey Ginger shirt, amongst other Whiskey Ginger shirts and hat and whiskey highball glass with my mug on

it is available now at andrewsantinostore.com so go to andrewsantinostore.com and support your boy and also the whiskey ginger team and crew that helps put together this wonderful show for you so go there check it out also go to andrewsantino.com if you want any other piece of information about me including our patreon which is up hot and running We're doing a bunch of solo Cheeto chats, one-on-ones with fans. It's super interactive. It's got all sorts of goodies on there. So go to the Patreon and or go to andrewsantino store.com and pick up some moich. Support the crew so we can keep supporting you with laughs.

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You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today.

It's Greg Fitzsimmons, the Fitz dog. Hey, baby. Do you say that about all your guests? Every single one of them, yeah. Well, why else would we fucking be here? You don't have to have don't guest every five years you can have if you like somebody you're gonna have them once a month yeah but i've i i've only repeated a few people i'm trying to get through slowly and carefully oh i've i don't think i've ever had someone on the show that i

actually don't enjoy i mean truthfully and i know you've had people on your show that you don't think I've ever had someone on the show that I actually don't enjoy. Truthfully. And I know you've had people on your show that you don't enjoy. Absolutely. I just had one the other day that I didn't enjoy. Can you tell me what it was? It wouldn't matter. He's a guy from England. But you didn't enjoy him in... Did not enjoy him at all, Anthony.

It was literally... I'm Andrew. Andrew. It doesn't matter. This is my... So far, we're off to a good start and i only go on podcasts of people that i really care about um he was this guy who got i got hit up by his publicist which is always a bad stuff yeah why'd you say yes because that same publicist then came to me with a fucking amazing guest later that's a given a take yeah a little given a take

all right but this guy he had a little i don't want to get too into depth about who it is because i don't want to out him we're gonna know go listen to fitz's fucking podcast we can figure it out but i mean the entitlement the lack of like let me dance a little bit give me a little dance british entitlement or just him himself? British. Right. Yeah. That comes with the territory. Hate the British.

I know. Yeah. I mean, they do this thing where even if they're dumb, they're smarter than you. Yes. That bothers me. Yeah. You're not smarter than me just because you're British. Just because I sound dumb to you doesn't mean you're smarter than me.

You having a better vocabulary is just a function of the fact that you spent less time outside playing sports and having fun. That's exactly right. With people. You didn't meet, because the more people you meet, the more you pick up dialects and you change the way you speak because you get more cultured. Right. So to me, they think we're uncultured. We're the most cultured because we sound like everything we've ever been involved in. Yeah.

They're in a bubble of, this is who I am. This is how I'll be forever. And not all Brits are that way. I've met some badass Brits. But I got to tell you, there's an attitude that comes with, ugh, an American. I won't do it anymore. Yeah, you're over it? You hate them all. For the record, I'll look in the camera and say there will never be another British person on my podcast.

Ever again. for the record i'll look in the camera and say there will never be another british person on my podcast ever again i have had one of the best british comedians known to man ricky gervais he's the worst comedian you did you mean that as a joke oh i didn't know this is good no this guy's very well respected among people i respect i I just keep naming, just naming British comedians. And, uh, and I, I, I,

at the end of it, I go, I'm sorry, man. I go, I can't use that. The whole, what do you mean the whole episode?

Yeah. And his manager was sitting right there. Why? Cause he was, cause he said, how do you think that went? And I said, not good.

I said, not good at all. Obviously not good. You were here for the whole thing, right? Couldn't have been good. Yeah. What, can you say his name or no no no but he just bombed the whole thing it wasn't that he bombed just what you were saying it's it was this entitled i'm smarter than you he kept bringing up american politics like you're gonna shit look i got a lot of problems with America. Yeah. But I can hear it from you.

Yes, yes, yes. Anthony Santino. Anthony Sartino. Sarantino. But I can't hear it from a guy who colonized the world, destroyed cultures, systematically held people, sold slaves. You know where we got our slaves? They're king slaves. They're the king of the slaves.

They want to talk to us about our slaves. Where do we buy them they're the nut they started they are the ford dealership of slaves that's right we were just a brand we're russell westbrook we're the branch off that's right i'm just selling what you gave me yeah yeah you just get you gave me yeah they they bill burr said this one time about um i don't even know, someone got announced as like a new, maybe a late night host or something. And he had said, he goes,

I, if I hear one more foreign guy telling me about my news, I'm going to fucking go nuts. Right, right. Because it was like another, like he's like, you know, like respect to,

I think John Oliver is great. Like there's a bunch of these guys that are now in, and the Daily Show, I can't, why am I drawing a blank? Trevor Noah? Yeah, exactly. It's like all these young, young guys that are now in and uh the uh daily show i can't why am i drawing a blank yeah exactly it's like all these young young guys that come in and the business loves them but there's something about when they just dumpster dive on america it's easier to hear from an american than you're just like why why do you let me come shit on south africa for a long time yeah

you like it's just a weird feeling to hear a foreigner shit on us all the time it can be funny but it's just like i like to hear it from a local yokel inside baseball is better for me yeah and when they do it from their own country that's fine sure we we get it we have a major influence on the world we're affecting your country in a shitty way yeah which is true about most countries in the world we're having a bad effect on you especially now um but you moved here but don't come here and say we and then trevor no always go we no us no no you're not you didn't no you're not even white oh shit now it comes out now the truth comes i was wait i was waiting oh i was waiting now you were late for this because you had to go pick up your hood from the dry cleaners is it completely is the set complete now well the beautiful thing about it is i sleep on it at night

people always go where do you hide your hood i sleep on it those are my sheets those are your sheets yeah fucking perfect camouflage you were trying to get some white guilt, your white guilt dose for the day, so you listen to NPR. Is that what it is? Yeah. Their slogan should be making you feel bad for being who you are. Yeah. They just want to make white people go, I'm a piece of shit. I should crash my car.

And in LA, there's three NPR stations. Oh, I know. It's egregious. Everywhere from 88.4 up to 92.1 they might be higher now they're right they're like a 93.6 now they just keep sliding up the scale well because they they they're so good at finding a thing that they know you're gonna feel bad about yeah and exploiting it till till it's fucking till nothing is left and then you'll walk out of your car and talk to someone

and it'll be on your mind the whole time yeah like what's the thing you were listening to in the car there was a woman who was um caucasian and she was explaining to white people that they need to understand that not treating a black person better than you would naturally is the same as dating a woman who had been in an abusive relationship and not understanding that certain things are going to trigger them. I'm trying to put this together. In other words, slavery. For people that go, slavery was in the past. I didn't hold you as a slave. So I'm not responsible.

Same thing as dating a woman who's in an abuse who had been in an abusive relationship and not talking about it or not i don't know acknowledging it a i halfway through the sentence i didn't catch the second half of the sentence because i turned to a van halen song and i fucking rocked out yeah dude yeah and that's what that they should cut themselves off and just switch to Van Halen's mid-interview just to help you feel a little bit better about what the fuck they're talking about.

Then jump back into it and then make you feel guilty again. There is this thing, and I've said this before, someone texted me and asked me if I was going to go to one of the marches or something or a protest or whatever in the middle of it all.

And I'm not going to say who because I'm going to like a blood but they hit me up a few times about it and i was like no uh i don't like big crowds even if it regardless of the cause i don't like that i get a little anxious i get you know overwhelmed if i get panicky when i'm around a lot of people i don't fucking like it i don't i don't go to fucking concerts i don't go to any of that it's like oh but this is for a good cause i said i don't care it's just that this isn't for me yeah good for you this isn't for me you shouldn't make me feel fucking bad about not wanting to go i don't want to fucking also in the middle of the sickness shit i don't want to be around a bunch of fucking strangers fair enough and on top of that i said but i'm having my black friend and his black kids come swim in my pool so am i good now to you

white person who i know doesn't have any black friends yeah this was the dichotomy that bothers But I'm having my black friend and his black kids come swim in my pool. So am I good now to you? White person who I know doesn't have any black friends? Yeah. This was the dichotomy that bothers me. Who is the black guy? I can't tell you his name. Okay. Because it's not my business to say. Yeah.

But his kids' names are Jamal and Jerome. Does that help? A lot of Js with the black people. Yeah, they love it. Yeah. Yeah, Jamal, Jerome. Jamequa. Jamequa. Jaquanda. Jaquanda. jerome does that help a lot of jays with the black people yeah they love it yeah yeah jamal jerome uh jamiqua jaquanda jaquanda yeah this will be our racist part no but he's i said is that cool and what i was trying to say was like a lot of people that yelled about people not going or not

participating i know don't have relationships with black people right i'm playing golf with a black guy tomorrow. Are you? Tom Wright. Call him Black Tom in the neighborhood because there's a white Tom and a black Tom. That's Black Tom? You call him Black Tom. Yeah, but I think that that's my biggest bother. So many people that I know don't have black relationships at all.

Right. At all. Even inauthentic ones. Right. Even ones where they're like no we see each other i like yeah they don't have any fucking relationship with black people working or or personal and when they get upset about this whole thing i'm like you're awfully upset about this black lives matter thing you don't have any black people in your life yeah so why are you

trying to tell me how i should be handling this whole thing yeah that bothers me and i'm not saying like i'm the i'm friends with all the black people i'm just saying that bugs the loudest whites i know have no fucking black friends yeah zero well way do you have teenagers because my kids will say things not necessarily about blacks but like just political correctness in general like well why don't you you say something and then they correct you well they're just very they're very yeah yes i'm not using the right words or the spirit of what i'm saying is not uh in line with what they've been taught at school and they have a ton of black friends they both they both go to a public public schools and so they they have a lot of black friends that was conscious right didn't we talk about that

you didn't put your kids in private schools no as a matter of fact they went to a spanish immersion program from well they're still in it so so half the kids in their school are from spanish-speaking homes from k through five because you wanted to have a real experience of life and i want help getting no no money i want not gonna... No, money. I want... And money. Yes. It's money. Just say money. Yes.

Money. And so, but like we're watching RuPaul's Drag Race, and because my daughter fucking loves it. Don't need to clarify it. You like it as well. I like it, but I like laughing at it. It's a funny premise. Well, that's why they do it.

These are men dressing as women. Yeah, it's a comedy. Enough. I'm in. I'm in. I love it. I mean, and some of them are like manly men they're like they're not all like really waif they're big dudes yeah yeah and then they sit down and put on lipstick and i and i and i say and at one point i said he about somebody that was in drag and my daughter goes dad it's she

so next episode same person yeah and they show up as men at the beginning haven't put on the makeup and i go well she looks like dad it's he it's he right when they switch you have to switch i go well what's the cutoff point is there like what if you have some makeup on and then right yeah if you have a blouse on top but you have on fucking timberland boots on the work boots on the bottom if it's just the top lip but they haven't gone to the bottom lip yeah just a little half lipstick yeah right see i i'm on your side i don't know i wouldn't know what the defining line would be yeah like unless it's a person that's transitioned and done that whole thing then i know it's okay you only have to say he or she depend on the switch but if it's someone in drag

isn't it i don't know what who fucking what's that's the thing about all this stuff there is no list right that someone goes just no it's online you can read it it's like no we have to fucking just guess yeah there needs to be a machine where you can plug in you know and and also like and i oh so i said to my daughter as a joke i go i think i need a translator yeah that's not funny no no that's funny that's fun it's kind of a perfect why isn't that funny yeah like well tell me why that's not you know what's so interesting though again it's like does your daughter have any trans friends um i don't tell me why that's not. You know what's so interesting, though? Again, it's like, does your daughter have any trans friends? I don't know. See, but that's what I mean is, like, I feel like when you associate with certain groups of people more,

you tend to have a better sense of humor with those people. Right, right. So, like. I think they feel like when they're in the company of those people, they can make the jokes. But when they're not, you can't. Whereas we're Irish, we're the opposite. It's like, you don't say it in front of them. My grandfather's favorite phrase. He said, if you have nothing good to say come sit near me that was it that was like that was like let's talk shit yeah and then when we're around other people

then you're you're more inviting with the jokes because it's a communal thing i think that was a way we grew up maybe was just that's what you do like we all made jokes about every kind of race or person but then also when you're with them you tease each other yeah it was a part of a thing that maybe is a time that's long gone but it was just a good example a good friend of mine uh had a birthday party at a place called plaza i'm blowing up their spot right now they're a it's a mexican um uh transgender bar on La Brea. And you wouldn't even know it's there. And it's only open like three nights a week.

And you go and have the best fucking night of your life. You can bargain with the drinks. You know, they're like, I'm like, vodka soda. And he's like, $5.50. And I'm like, what about $3? He's like, okay, $3.75. And it's the greatest. Yeah, it's definitely run illegally

it's only cash but anyway I'm with my friend one of the performers is over and she's dancing all over me and and she's fucking huge I mean

outside of makeup she's twice my size yeah and we're laughing and joking around afterwards and I tipping her out and

and she says to me is this your first time at a tranny bar and i laugh and i go no i have a fucking membership like i'll show you my stamps and she's cracking up because she thinks i'm a newbie but i'd been there before yeah and a friend of the table was like because i had repeated it and she was like you can't say that tranny i tranny i couldn't say that because it's derogatory but i was like well she just said we were joking around together and she was like no you you don't you can't say that but that's where the confusion sets in it's like we just had a fun moment together yeah i can't say it because we're

doing it she said it i repeated it yeah it's even like with the n-word you notice that well you say that all the time you walked in here you said it to me well we weren't taping and i didn't think you'd bring it up well we we were i ever i record 24 7 dude how much could you sell that to me for like i'm just wondering off the top of my head what i would pay your n-word remix tape to to not have that put out by you because we do say some crazy shit to each other but um i i was what would it cost right now for someone to scrub your your um controversial word history of life well i said the n-word on rogan's podcast i know i've seen it it's great and if i could take that off the internet i would i'd pay eight thousand dollars to take that off the internet. Didn't he make you say it?

Isn't that the clip? Isn't he saying say it? But it's taken out of context because the context was I was saying that I've never used the N-word. I've said it, but I've never used it. Oh, that's actually smart. So in the same way that, you know,

like Huck Finn, N-word Jim, like that's not using it to say in an english class i thought the character n-word jim blah blah blah so so it was a whole discourse on that and then we went in what am i a british comic a discourse yeah this is we talked about it that guy rubbed off on you jeez look at the way i'm sitting i'm like half a fag from England. So soon as your dick's gonna be tucked between your legs in your ass, you walk out. I learned that on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Yeah, that's right. They wear bikini bottoms sometimes. They tape it. They duct tape it back. So look, I've seen, I've looked online because I was curious. Yeah. Justin Martindale one time took us to a place, there's a place called Revolver. It's like one of the most popular gay bars on that strip, you know? Yeah. Justin Martindale one time took us to a place called Revolver. It's one of the most popular gay bars on that strip, you know? Yeah.

And this guy was dancing up on me a little bit, and he rubbed his dick on my leg. No dick. And I said it to Justin Martindale. I was like, that guy was fucking... He was like, we were joking around. He's laughing. He's rubbing his dick on me. By the way, you want to talk about crossing a line of sexuality?

I know, like, everyone's getting canceled and targeted out for stuff. Go to one gay bar and get, like, sexually assaulted for about five hours. Yeah, right, right, right. He's rubbing his dick on me and I couldn't feel his dick

and he goes, yeah, he's probably tucking. And I was like, holy fuck, that much? Then I had to go online because I was like, I have to see how you can even do that.

Yeah. Because I've tucked my dick but, you know, doing the mangina. Right. But to tuck and tape and keep it away for that long yeah so i've i've looked i've learned and i'm doing it right now i was gonna say you seem more high pitched than normal usually i'm six or seven octaves much lower than this yeah um there's also a garment that you can wear that

does it there's like it pulls it back yeah yeah yeah there's like a pouch thing because i go ahead i researched it too yeah and it is weird i did i did erase my browser history afterwards but i thought about that but they've already got you yeah because last week on me and bobby show i was researching the legalities of bestiality yeah like i was just i was like is that an is it actually illegal or is it just a faux pas thing in in society yeah and only some states it's fully illegal yeah like it's not but then afterwards my computer i have to burn that fucking computer yeah but the feds already have that even if you're like clear browser they're like yeah well it's gone yeah

they got it they got it and that's another i guess this uh chinese what is it the g4 what's the oh g4 g5 towers or whatever five towers yeah that's yeah that's how they started it did and tiktok that's fake i read an article about oh good because i'm all over that shit they said tiktok tiktok in us is made by it is held information is held by different servers oh good the worry was they were holding information of tiktok servers here over there doesn't dude you're on tiktok i have seen very few comedians pop up on t here over there. Dude, you're on TikTok. I have seen very few comedians pop up on TikTok. Yeah, I'm on it.

And you're one of them. And they're good clips. They're like, must be from one of your specials. I do stand up on there and I'll put podcast clips on there. Like this will probably go on there at some point. Oh, cool. But I don't do original videos because I don't know how. Like I have a guy that helps me do it.

And I was like like do i need to try to do like the trend thing he's like no you're fucking no you're that's gross yeah he's like you can't because that's like 19 year olds do like dance he's like you're gonna look sad if you try to oh yeah but he goes just go on there and do clips like put up fucking stand-up or whatever can go viral for that can promote your shit yeah have you seen eddie pepetone's clips oh well he's yeah yeah i mean eddie is one of the funniest people on planet earth crazy his special by the way was uh better than most of this past year's actual big budget produced special yeah and i love that dude and i've always been if you get him you're gonna think he's amazing if you don't get it he's one of the

guys that i'll always sit down and watch when he goes on stage there's kindler todd glass him that are going to give you a different fucking show every time because they can't not deconstruct what they're saying as they go yeah they have to be yeah and they all have different reasons why mental illness drugs yeah mental illness again adhd they all have different depths of uh mental uh disruption that caused them to do that but those are those are good examples i think of the top of that list would be pep though pep pepitone has the most uh subversively um wild sets him and holtzman do both they do that thing where you're like, this could be a fucking car crash that I don't want to see

or a car crash that I can't wait to see the bodies come out. And Brody was like that too. He was the exact same, yeah. There was a sense with them that when they went home to their sad apartments, they were not going to sleep that night if they didn't have a great set.

And so every second on stage is a fucking knife fight in the alley yeah which is the opposite for you i mail that shit in you don't give a fuck and you go home and sleep like a baby i got a hot wife she still got a good rack i know you talk about it on stage sometimes and i visualize your wife in my head and i don't want to ruin the image of actually knowing your wife yeah because she's great upstairs in my head she's wonderful well and i maybe she just is in mine at this point because i love her so much like i really she's probably pretty hideous in real life she's probably fucking gross it's probably a four yeah in real life she's an LA negative one.

She's docked below the norm because she lives here. She's had no plastic surgery. So over the age of 40, no plastic surgery in LA. What a cool thing, by the way. Yeah. Because I'm okay. Look, I'm okay with everyone doing whatever you need to do. But for some reason, women reach a point when they're all in, and then you become a marionette. Yeah.

You become like this fake-faced person. Yeah. They all look the same. Right. Like how the kids with mental disabilities look the same. You don't get away with it. I shouldn't say this. Who knows?

But Halle Berry has not aged in 25 years. Yeah. Black people just have that ageless skin. Yeah. They don't have white, crusty. I mean. I know. Look at us.

Yeah. Well, their elbows actually do get a little crusty, but the faces. Lotion. Yeah. A lot of lotion. You don't put on any lotion, do you? I don't put on any lotion. Never.

I don't even put on sunblock. I went to the beach. I do sunblock. Five of the last six days. Look at me. Look at my face. How are you getting away with it? Where's the tan? How are you getting away with no sunblock? No, I put sunblock on my face the beach five of the last six days look at me how are you getting away with it where's the tan how are you getting away with no sun no i put sunblock on my face but not on my arms okay okay not on my body just my face and my neck and my neck it's become like a fucking

turkey it's like a turkey with cancer like a bunch of vaginas yes bunch of old vaginas yeah that's what we're that's what what do you think was going to happen what do i care you know i shave my head now that's what's happened during the pandemic my daughter you buzzes it oh buzz it no i don't pick it but i yeah she buzzes it down every couple weeks it's long now see i appreciate that keep it it looks nice nice and tight like that there's something about like um the frazzled bald look where it's like guys have lots of frazzly hair. Yeah.

Why? Yeah. Once it's... You mean like lone hair sticking up here? Yeah, up here. In the back, up here. If you've lost it in the front...

Like Eddie Pepitone. Yeah, it's like just cleaning it up. Yeah. Because that makes him look more unstable. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Maybe that's what he wants though. Yeah, but less likely to get a loan you know what i mean like we're gonna walk like if that if i own a thing and he's i'm entrusting him in anything i'm gonna go oh fuck he can't even fucking clean up the loose ones yeah i don't know man we're not gonna rent the apartment to you bud yeah and the footwear the shoes that it's like dude ross dress for less he can pick up a size size 10 clean black shoes for like 19 it's so it's not hard anymore yeah it's you you can we can get everything done at cost yeah people make very specific choices over why they don't want to do things which is

fine i'm no fashionista i wear whatever i've got yeah but it's simple it's just shirt and shoes i don't do fashion stuff right i'm not going to go out of my way to buy it if I don't need it, I don't buy it. Yeah. When someone's like, oh, it's a fucking leather jacket. I don't need a leather fucking jacket. Why would I need a leather jacket? Yeah. What time period do I live in?

I have two suits. I don't need suits. Yeah. Do you have suits? Yeah. Well, I used to wear suits on stage for a while just because I hosted a game show on MTV and I was dressed in sharkskin suits for it. Did you really?

Like 50s tight, like Mad Men sharkskin suits. Wait, what was the name of the game show? It was called Idiot Savants and it was on around like 1998. Was it your show or they cast you for it? They cast me for it. Okay. Was it fun? It was the most fun I've ever had in my life. Really? Yeah. It was just a blast. I mean, I, I, to this day, I don't think there's a better gig than hosting a game show. You know, because you just

fucking. Just everyone's got a name. I don't, I have a bad memory. I can't remember lines. You got a name tag on, I can memorize the rules and then we just have fun my whole job is to shit on people and keep the game funny that's easy and we would shoot five a day because it was mtv five a day so you're getting paid well getting paid great yeah and then i and then i had to i would do colleges for crazy money we did two seasons and by the the end, I was making crazy money. But I had met my wife just before I got the show, so I never tasted that MTV pussy. Can you imagine? I could have been like the Weezer.

Yeah. The Weezel? The Weezel, you mean. What did I say? Weezer. The Weezer, the band. Yeah. You could have been like the band, too.

They were also popular at that point. You could have been like Pauly Shore 2.0. What would your catchphrase have been like poly shore 2.0 what would your catch phrase have been come on down always having women above you in a different in an apartment come on down that's right i would have a basement apartment yeah come on down but your wife met you when you were were you broke before then no you were doing okay yeah i i had started making money like a couple years before because i'd got a i got a development deal for sitcom and then i had this series on usa and uh all back when montreal really meant something like i did the montreal comedy festival usa and i'm from new york but i started doing stand-up in

boston where i went to school and I started young and by the time I moved to New York I've been doing it for like seven years I was like 28 years old I've been doing it for like seven years and nobody in New York or LA had ever seen me so I go to the Montreal festival and I mean when you start in Boston yeah I started with Rogan and you know fucking Dane Cook and killers, people that were going up and we were, we were Bobby Kelly, Patrice O'Neill, Louis CK, Nick DiPaolo. And so you got good really fast and you were doing shows six nights a week. So, so by the time I go to Montreal, I was pretty solid and I just did two seven minute sets and I walked out with the biggest manager and the biggest agent a spot on letterman you cocksucker a development deal with fox and this series on uh usa you could never get that today

no you could go crush an hour right you could go out there and crush a new hour and the industry would go pretty good yep and that's all you'd get. You would get some club dates, maybe. Sure. That's it. That you were going to get maybe anyway. They just saw you now. Yeah. What a fucking weird world that that is.

People that don't know Montreal Comedy Festival is just for laughs. You get invited and back about 10, 15 years ago, even 10 years ago probably, people were still getting deals off of going and doing well. Yeah. Now it's an expectation right now you have to have some magic fucking eight ball trick in your pocket for them to go we should invest in this guy and even then what do you get on most people that are getting invested in already had investments prior to going i didn't go to montreal until i was already on television and had done stuff. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I had done a sitcom.

I had done two like guest spots on TV. Maybe, I don't know if I did, I did Conan. I think I did Conan before I went to Montreal. Yeah. So it's, it didn't fucking matter.

Right. It was like. You already had representation. Yeah. I mean, literally nothing to me. I was on a sitcom, I was on a sitcom the year, two years before that.

Yeah. So I was like, why do I fucking, this is, it almost was like a letdown. Yeah. It was like a bummer. I was like, oh, thanks for the fucking invite. I already did it. In my mind, so it was kind of like a bummer that I did well there too, because it mattered almost even less. So the second year I went back, I learned and I just did Mushrooms the whole time with Ari. Oh, that's great.

It was fucking incredible. It was incredible. That was the most fun time I've ever had. I disappeared. I missed a couple of shows. Ari, Ari is, Ari will lead you astray. I need that right now. I am so ready for some mushrooms this summer. I want to go somewhere with a cool lake and some woods. Yeah. And I want to take some mushrooms with you and Ari and maybe we'll get duncan trussell i would love i would fucking him and joe list and a bunch of guys are goofing around in the east coast right now i talk ari yeah because he was just uh him and list were together uh i imagine walking around high smoking cigars they put it up online are you a cigar guy yeah everybody's a cigar guy now yeah i feel like Burr also became the cigar guy,

and then everyone I talk to now is into this thing. I'm not like a hangout in cigar shops, but I'm a guy that like, if you want to have a cigar, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of that cigar. I won't do it. For some reason. You seem like you'd be a cigar guy. I love whiskey.

Yeah. Which pairs well, I know. But I just, I think because I quit smoking. Yeah, then you can't fuck around i can't do it yeah even the idea of a cigar makes me go why am i doing i should smoke a cigarette why am i doing this yeah like i've had it a few times the last time i had a cigar was at a buddy's uh bachelor party yeah and i couldn't care less the whole time i was like man i want a fucking cigarette right now because of this not because of the addiction just because if i'm going to be

wasting my lungs i was like let me just do it with a fucking cigarette i kind of feel like that about strip clubs like if i go to a strip club and i get an erection around a woman who's trying to turn me on yeah the likelihood that i'm going to cheat goes through the roof whereas if i just don't go like i have like But you're never going to cheat at a strip club because they don't want to fuck with you. But I mean, it leads to the cigarette. Yeah, that's the cigarette.

I think you break something with your wife when you go to a strip club because you might get titillated, you might have fun, you and your friends have some laughs, but there's a part of you that's not going to tell your wife

and now you got a little lie. See, I'm the opposite. I tell her. She couldn't care less. Right. See, i don't think my wife would be happy so i don't do it it's interesting because i think she knows i don't like it that much yeah i don't give a when people want to go i'm almost bummed yeah i'm like why it's a waste of it i'd rather go to like an otb and black out with local pieces of shit betting on right that's funnier to me right or the trend or the tranny transsexual the trans the transsexual bar yeah way more fun well that's the most fun because then you're

gonna get stories uh someone's gonna get hurt yeah lost that's a night of even if you're not getting fucking drunk i know crazy shit's gonna happen yeah i can't wait to see what goes on yeah strip clubs have always been a thing to me where um it's like a place to waste time with somebody yeah if i'm with a friend and it's to go get a drink and they want to do it and i'm in some city i will but it's pretty begrudgingly i hate to say it i've never been to one strip club where i've been like whoa how fucking amazing that was amazing actually the only one time is atlanta atlanta has some wild ass strip clubs. Atlanta is known for that. And black strip clubs make white strip clubs look like a fucking kiddie land.

They are phenomenal. A black strip club is 10 times more fun. They'll smack you in the face with a tit. They'll belittle you and demean you. It's not to make you be, yeah, daddy. It's none of that. Yeah. It's to call you a bitch, you small dick motherfucker.

Wow. It feels good to be demeaned. Really? It's just funny. Yeah. Because they're so of that. Yeah. It's to call you a bitch. You small dick motherfucker. It feels good to be demeaned. It's really, it's just funny. Yeah. Because they're so cocky that you're just like this piece of, give me money, you bitch. Right. And you're like, yes, ma'am. Yeah. That's funny to me. Yeah. I'd rather give that girl money than a sad girl who's lying to her old family about dancing. They're proud of dancing. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And it's very athletic, isn't it? The black strip club. Oh my God. Yes. I mean, naturally they're going to dancing yeah you know yeah and it's very athletic isn't it the black strip club oh my god yes i mean naturally they're gonna be more athletic some of the poles have a hoop and they they do they have dunk contests in the middle of stripping no shit really they

have dunk contests in the middle of stripping they dunk no none of this is oh that's like that's like the scene out of airplane i think remember when uh they go to an eye they get stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere and a tropical island and the aboriginal people he puts up a basketball hoop yeah and they start fucking slam dunking i to this day have never laughed so hard that's what that is easily one of the greatest comedies ever and people don't there's a lot of people comics i don't really like or know airplane yeah it's always funny to me it's a pretty it's a big gauge of what you know the history of comedy and film yeah because that to me subtle jokes uh died in comedy a long time ago in film you can can't do small jokes anymore. Right, right. It doesn't work anymore.

But that was the king of, call me Frank, call me Shirley. You know, those kind of throwaways doesn't work anymore. And while they're doing it, there's a banana in the background making a smoothie. There's eight things going on. You have to keep watching the movie. Yeah, that's the best part. I don't think

you can get away with subtle comedy anymore. I think it breaks my heart that we care so much in comedy now to be big you have to be fucking huge yeah i know i miss tiny comedy i on jeopardy the other day was a nobody knew the answer was caddyshack and it was um the clue was pretty on the nose. It was something about like, you know, they did that thing where it's like, Ramis, Gopher, Gunga Galunga, or whatever. You know, whatever the three, and nobody knew. And it reminded me how much those kind of like,

comedy old nuance films probably won't exist in the social conversation in 20 years. Yeah, my kids show me comediesies and i try to open my mind like pineapple express like yeah like i watch and i go yeah that's that's good but like let me show you fucking some like it hot let me show you a marx brothers movie let me show you you know yeah and or the the original odd couple let's get dark and be funny at the same time. Yeah. Not be one note, but actually fucking be all.

And, but my kids were raised on the Marx Brothers. We had like a six DVD collection of the Marx Brothers when they were little. No shit. And I mean, from the ages of five on, they had them in rotation. They loved it. So they have good taste. Yes. Well, I think that if you expose your kids to the right things when they're in rotation they loved it so they have good taste yes well i think that if you expose your kids to the right things when they're young they get it and they love airplane

and um you know they have they have really good taste but they also have a taste for the new shit the new shit that i try to go with like you knowZohan or whatever it is. Yeah, Sandler's the Zo-Han. The Zo-Han. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not my... It's my favorite movie.

Mm-hmm. It's also got to be a period of time in their life. Like, what was your... When you were fresh out of college, what was the movie or the thing in culture that you remember the most? Like, what was like... There was either a band or a film

or a thing that was going on that you were like... The Jerky Boys. See what I mean? Had a huge impact on my comedy. I mean, I think, arguably, the reason that I started doing voices was Jerky Boys. Yeah. Jim Carrey and Jerky Boys was why I imitated people

and did these quirky things. But I guarantee you, newer generations would be like this is my kids don't really get your well yeah because why yeah would they it doesn't have any relevance of the time comedy as we know more than anything it doesn't age well almost ever it's rare as fuck when something even a bit you watch from like a prior bit you know i know i know he's the god and we all love these guys that that have are the beginnings but there's a lot of times you'll watch old stuff and go i don't know that's not that fuck that's not that fucking funny yeah because it's not then yeah you know like there was a joke i watched of got a massive laugh it was like leno was on carson and he was doing it or no

he was on letterman and i like to watch the old tapes yeah when i was a kid i was obsessed with carson my mom loved carson oh yeah same with me and i used to fucking i used to sneak out of my bed and watch carson at night yeah and eat hot dogs in front of the in front of the tv uh-huh and uh she would be so fucking mad but she's like i couldn't i showed it to you so i couldn't be that mad at you because i loved she loved it so i'd watch old i still watch old carson's now and there was a letterman link when he was filling in and Leno was on the, on the, in the seat.

And he said, uh, he goes, Oh, I got him flying so much. And you know, these, these planes now it's like so many stopovers and,

uh, you know, it's like, I don't even know if they're stopping because we need to refuel or because the pilot wants to show the plane off to one of his buddies. And it was a, it's, it's like such a mediocre,

it murdered. Yeah. It fucking, I mean, the house was like oh shit i mean people were like fucking slit in their throats they were laughing so hard but i i was like that must have been another example of i guess it's the sign of the time yeah of why i thought monty python was funny but for some reason some of my friends didn't yeah and and their dads were like you like that right i was like yeah i was like maybe i just went through the matrix hole of liking a time period yeah when i look at some old the the stand-ups from when when stand-up was huge in the

80s early 80s when it was like richard belzer was the king and we're one of those guys that like you talk to any comic that came through new york in the 70s and 80s i mean you talk to seinfeld you talk to paul rise you talk to eddie murphy like they will tell you belzer was the guy put a gun to my head and tell me why richard belzer is funny like it just doesn't hold out click in the least right remember in scarface he was in scarface yeah yeah that's as funny as he ever got and and you and you realize the crowds were so hungry for comedy back then there was a guy and his name is John Ridley I don't know I feel like that name you know the name because I'll tell you why you know the name after the story and so he was a comic in New York at that time period and he was he was one of the guys and he was going on the road he was out making 10 grand a week he was a comic in New York at that time period and he was he was one of the guys and he

was going on the road he was out making 10 grand a week he was doing some isn't that disgusting not mediocre at best yeah at best and then I was writing on Wanda Sykes show and I would write a monologue and I was a consultant so I was I had no power so I had to hand my jokes into him and he would decide which ones Wanda got to see and I wanted to go John

John you don't judge my jokes for Wanda you know what John Ridley is famous for he wrote

12 years a slave that's how funny John Ridley is that's who that is I was like that name he wrote 12 years of- That's his sense of humor.

Yeah. Well, that movie was hilarious. I don't know. Especially the 11th year. Because you're like, no, not still. Again? Again? Now, you wrote for Wanda because, did she hire you, you think, because you're also a black lesbian?

Do you think that was part of the process? Well, I got hired by many lesbians. I worked for Ellen for a while. And judy gold had a thing on comedy central i i did you think they see something in you i don't know what it is it's the outfit i think the khakis um no i write for black people and lesbians i've written on a ton of black shows yeah it's almost like once you know this once you do one thing in this business that's the thing you do but you're also um irish people or ginger people or ginger line people like us in this thing we're given this weird flavor card we're given like a flavor card by the black community is like um you're okay because you're not a regular white right

you're just not you've suffered a little bit like there's something about us that we're not regular whites whether you're a redhead or you're just like violently You've suffered a little bit like us. There's something about us that we're not regular whites. Whether you're a redhead or you're just violently Irish, they can just feel that you're... Well, we are. The phrase was, we are the N-words of Europe. Yeah. The Irish truly were. And I'm Sicilian, which is even worse.

Oh, wow. You couldn't have been the more bottom of the barrel two people coming together. Like Sicilian trash and I'm ireland trash and do your ancestor dna if you're sicilian you're black too i am you've got some black yeah i do yeah no but and also uh the sicilian side uh it it's not like i like i tried to find out if maybe i had like some sort of nobility in the in the history like did anybody own anything you know like a boat you know and hopefully not people no no well they couldn't they fucking you kidding me they were owned by everybody sicily was just slave island but i was like did they maybe have like a fish

a port a fisherman's port you know no no everyone in my family in the history from as far as we can trace just shit farmers just bullshit moron farmers and all the irish too it's nothing but it's just i don't have one piece where somebody goes you know my great grandfather was a professor at yeah no right i come from gum on the shoe people you're working for it never a connection never a step up by somebody else i would like by the way that's the thing i learned when i moved to Los Angeles from Chicago was, and I learned it years later, because I thought, man, how do all these people get certain opportunities? And you learn people have connections.

Yeah. I had less than zero connections. And you learn, you're like, that guy's your uncle? It's like, yeah, my dad fucking works for Lionsgate. Yeah. For all this time, I just assumed people were just getting lucky because they were talented in the right place. You're like,

this isn't about right place, right time. It's right place, right time. Also, who's in your family? Right. Like who's your fucking father-in-law? You know, I've learned it now. I'm too late. I think it helps also just,

my father was in the business. He never helped me because he was in the radio business in New York. But it gave me the mindset that this is something you can actually make a living at. Right. my father was in the business. He never helped me because he was in the radio business in New York. But it gave me the mindset that this is something you can actually make a living at. Right. You know, I didn't have

the kind of parents that went like, no, you got to get a master's degree and you got to do, you know, my parents were very much like, look, if you show up on time, which you made a joke that I was late, I'm never late. No, you were.

No, of course you were early. You were actually early. I texted you that I was two minutes early. I know. I'm the same way. What is that it's it's feeling like you treating this like a fucking business if i'm going to take this crazy leap of thinking that i can make i don't think i'm that funny but i think i can outwork the other guy i think that i'll push my that's why i've written for tv shows a lot of comics can't write for tv shows because they're like i'm used to an hour a night i'm not working fucking 14 hours lazy shit yeah and i'm

like i'll work the 14 hour day this is a gift this is all a gift i felt like it i've been doing this 31 years and not a year goes by that i just don't look up and go i can't fucking believe i don't have a job that i yeah i get in my car to go to the comedy store at night. Have a nice dinner with my family. Love my kids. Settle in. We'll watch Little Sopranos on TV, and then I'll look at my watch.

I gotta go, and they're all like, oh, that's too bad. I'm like, yeah, it's too bad. I gotta go fucking hang out with you and Joey Diaz and fucking Rogz and fucking and Rogan and fuck off and make it and get on stage and have 150 people shower me with acceptance. Yeah.

Does your, has your wife gotten easier about it by the way, as time has gone? She never gave me a problem. That's wild. She's never once given me a problem about having to go on the road. She knew the deal. Yeah.

When I, when I told you when she met me, I was already doing it full time but i always imagine at some point there would be because mine mine is the same way yeah okay it's it's creepy that she's like never bothers her that i go to work out at night if i i got three sets yeah like you know i gotta leave early and we can't have dinner together and at some point in my mind i think well it's been you know what i you know i had 14 years or 13 years or whatever it's been that long for i've been doing for as long as i've been doing stand-up oh i thought you've been with her for 14 years well not not much less i mean yeah like we've been together for a long time and she's been there since i was in stand-up like

since i just it was already a part of the game, but I was a poor, broke nobody. So then she got to see me get, get love and stand up and start to do things and grow. And at some point I thought she's going to, at some point be like, I don't like this fucking every night going to the comedy store and going to club and club. And like when, cause so now without her even asking,

I'm like, we need date nights. We need this. I plan as hard as I can. And she doesn't, she still doesn't ask for it but in the back of my mind i'm like it's coming it's coming the day when she's like it's enough yeah but if you tell me it's good on if it's good then i think you're doing the right thing i think

if and harlan williams gave me this advice well he's divorced now but he had a good long healthy marriage and hey buddy hey buddy here's what you do buddy he came over to my house by the way there was a house on like around the corner from us that's like basically condemned because the guy is ready to die and he just won't fucking do anything yeah and he goes i see uh you got the haunted house neighborhood do you buddy i was like yeah that was a that was a big attraction in the neighborhood was the haunted house he goes it's great you don't have to you don't have to go far to take your kids trick-or-treating they get all the ghosts they need in their life right around the corner the way his brain clicks oh my god but wait he but anyway he said what he said uh uh buddy

what you want to do you have to do the voice is he said make a date night with your wife have a regular date night but then once in a while tell her you know what i get a spot tonight i get two spots tonight i'm gonna cancel them let's go out to a movie now did you have two spots no but you tell her that and it makes her feel really special that's actually very smart and i would do that sometimes you would you'd just be like oh i got all the stories would cancel i'm to do it tonight. I'm going to tell her I have four spots tonight. She knows. Yeah. Do you miss stand-up?

Yes. I didn't at first because I was in a rut. I'd been doing it for fucking, like, again, I never took off more than two weeks in my life. Yeah, it makes me feel anxious. When it was a week, I would get nervous. If I go see my parents, I'd be like. But then when this pandemic happened and i had three weeks off four weeks off i was kind of like i was feeling like i was going to be able

to come back into it in a different kind of a tone i didn't like the tone i was in i felt like i had gotten into this like rut i'd gotten into a rut i was too i was pushing instead of being centered i'd lost my balance which you always as a stand-up you're always it's like fucking playing golf it's always like you forget one fundamental and then you get it back in and go oh that's what it does that's how it works i just have to relax i gotta trust it i gotta you know it's all rhythm it's all it's like golf it's all rhythm and when you get out of your own rhythm it's not gonna work you're fucked so don't watch the guy that goes on ahead of you if I'm watching fucking Joey Diaz and then I go on stage it's it's not that I can't follow

Joey Diaz it's if I make the mistake of trying trying to follow Joey Diaz yes with his energy right you can't monkey see monkey do yeah it Yeah. It's going to fucking kill you. Right. So this helped break away, you feel. Maybe. Yeah, I've been writing a lot. See, but I'm afraid the material is going to be... See, I've been writing,

and every time I look at it, I go, I just don't know how I'm going to pair it or how it's going to feel. Yeah. Because I was in a place, I was doing an hour that I was about to shoot, and now... Oh, no shit, really?

Yeah, yeah. And I don't like almost any of it. Yeah. And the people I was about to shoot and now oh no i don't really yeah yeah and i don't like almost any of it yeah and the people i was going to do with i was they were like what are you thinking about maybe the fall or something and i said no i i said you know because i knew i was like stand-up's not going to be like they have this weird delusion that they're like you guys can get back out there by the end of the summer don't you you think? And I'm like, I doubt it. I just strongly doubt it. So for me now, I have this weird feeling that I'm going to take all this stuff that I've been writing down and it's going to supersede what I had and now it's going to be working from scratch again

because I don't even know how much of that stuff I really care about anymore. Yeah, I had an hour that I was just like had shaped it and I did it in Portland. And there was a guy, there was a local guy who said, I'll come out and shoot it for a few hundred bucks. And I said, great, I'll just get it on tape and then I can show it to Netflix or wherever. At Helium, or where'd you do it at?

Where'd you do it? At Helium. Yeah, wow. And this guy is great there. Yeah. And he just set up two cameras right near each other, but just so he can make cuts. But a good camera.

And he mic'd the fuck out of the room. He put up like five microphones. And it came out so well that I'm going like, you know what? Instead of waiting and trying to resurrect this hour in a year or two, I think I'm just going to cut it up and just start putting it out in three-minute chunks

over the next six months. I couldn't agree more. I wish I did that. In retrospect, I've talked about that endlessly. I've said that so much that I'm like, God damn, I wish I just shot it because I was about to and I thought, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait.

And I waited and I waited and I was doing my tour and I thought, I'll shoot it at the end of this little first run of my tour. And then when I get back at the end of the fall, boom, I'll have it in the can and I'll start running again. And that was my tour. Yeah. And then when I get back at the end of the fall, boom, I'll have it in the can and I'll start running again. Right.

And that was my whole fucking plan and this just was the, you know, the ripple of this just stopped everything. So now, you're lucky. I mean, I would absolutely do that. I would put it out in chunks

and just give it to the people because nobody gives a fuck. You talk to these people about the analytics. Nobody is watching a full hour when they sit down. People aren't even watching Chappelle in a full hour, okay? Half hour. He hour he put on a half hour yeah but that's what i'm

saying they they won't even watch a full hour of him so who the fuck do i think i am i know they're gonna see 15 minutes of you then go get food or go get high and then watch 15 or 20 more minutes later in the night with a friend and then two days later they're gonna show somebody else go you gotta come watch this guy fitz does this great bit then they'll probably watch the beginning again with somebody and then chunk it later and then put your good shit up front that's what they're gonna watch always seriously yeah absolutely stick around for your fucking your your grand opus like they don't give a fuck when you're like wasn't the closer great they're like what was the closer again yeah i remember the first couple of i i they there's some statistics that say different,

but I believe what I know with my friends that don't, my friends back home that aren't in the business, they'll tell you to your face. They're like, yeah, I watched the majority of it, but they really get the first fucking big chunk of it. By the end, they're like, it was good. Yeah, it was good. But they're probably cooking fucking dinner or cleaning

or putting the kids to bed. You know what I mean? It's like people are living anymore. They're not like... Sit and watch, I think, doesn't happen. There's also something about an hour of stand-up. Most stand-ups have a cadence and a rhythm that... Like Stephen Wright,

who's one of my favorite comics of all time. Love. Can't watch an hour of him. That's too much. Because it's the same format format even if he veers off and it's weird and all that you still start to see how his mind works and it gets less interesting sure as opposed to like you know if it's carlin then that's an hour well he's writing a uh an arc story there's a narrative there's a narrative yeah there's a theme and there but there's very

few people in the history of comedy that louis done hours that were worth watching the whole hour his last hour was fucking great was it i didn't see it oh i'll send it to you i have it really yeah yeah i'll pay for it no hey you don't give that guy money okay you know what he's gonna do yeah you know what he's gonna do with that fucking. Yeah, you know what he's going to do with that fucking money. He's going to jerk off on the money. Yeah, he's going to jerk off on the money. I loved it. I couldn't talk highly about it, higher about it. I just was like, there was only one joke that I would have switched its placement. Yeah.

Like as if I'm a critic. But I was just saying, I loved it front to back. I just thought there was one joke that, man, if he just put it in the other place, it would have made more sense. And you'll know right away. You'll go, oh, yeah, why didn't that go there? Because that's the same thing, really. Right really right and outside of that the only reason it didn't get talked about you know it kind of was quiet you know no no critic came forward and it was like pervert does a special you know you didn't read any of that shit because it was actually

quite um it was quite uh restrained yeah it was quite evolved for louis in terms of like he addresses some of that stuff he also talks about what's going on in his personal life and tries to get back to a place of being like am i allowed to be a human without your judgment right still be a comic or do you want to still throw stones at my forehead about right my shortcomings i like it's kind of a nice way of doing it. And I'm sure people will still, you know, people are still gonna be mad about it. But I,

man, fuck, I really, honestly, that was the first special I've watched in full in years. Yeah.

I can't, last time I watched a special in full was like, I don't know. I honestly, maybe, I mean,

I was obsessed with Geraldo for years. I used to love everything he ever did. I watched Jeselnik's last special. That was really good. Well, he's...

As good as any of his other specials. He's a funny dude, but I hate him as a human being, front to back, inside and out. I didn't know that. Yeah, piece of shit, loser. What? Yeah, you heard me. Jeselnik, you fucking turd. No, you're kidding.

No, yeah, I love him to death. No, he's fantastic. Wow, that's the first time I've heard that about Jeselnik. No, no, and you know what? He's a great guy to... He's actually low-key a great guy to drink with. People don't really know. He's wonderful. If you catch heard that and you know what he's a great guy to he's actually low key a great guy to drink with people don't really know he's wonderful if you catch him in the bar and he's rarely there

but if you can catch him hanging out and drinking he's really fun to just sit and talk shit for a long time I sat with him at the bar at the comedy store one night and I had never really sat with him like that and then that's the beauty of podcasts too I had him on my podcast and I was like dude we've talked for 10 minutes 30 times.

Yeah. But we've never talked for an hour with no interruptions. Yeah, that's true. That's the greatest thing about podcasts. I should have someone just pop in here and go, Fitz, you're up in five, just to fuck this whole thing up. Since you know. Or somebody walk up to you and go,

hey, you don't remember me, but I did a guest spot for you in Cleveland in the 90s. Oh, fuck. Hey, what's up? What's up, man? Yeah. The hardest thing that people do to you as a comedian is when they say that phrase,

when they say, hey, man, you probably don't remember me, which is basically them saying, I know you don't remember me. I'm going to make you remember me and kind of feel bad that you don't really remember the situation. And then you're going to have to pretend like you remember. And it's going to be weird for five minutes. And you're going to walk away and I'm

going to walk away. And it's going to be just a little bump in our road when I could have just kept walking. Or you could have gone up and said, hey man, there's no way you remember me. You could have gone up and said, hey, man, there's no way you remember me. Yeah. But it meant something to me when we met years ago at. Yes. In this year. Yes.

And we said this. Yep. And then we're all up to speed. Instead of making me fish and making me feel bad about fishing when I'm like. What about just, hey. Hey. You don't remember me? Well, that is a function of you as much as me right if you had been more interesting

when we met i would remember you i will you at the front of my mind but there also are people that i knew i had a relationship with many years ago that i may have worked with on a short stint and we probably had a great time yeah and they're like what's been going on and i'm like i don't know so much since i don't know you like i don't have guys that regularly open for me and i can't remember their names sometimes i keep a document on my computer that lists the people and this is who opens for you oh my god erica rhodes you know erica yes yes yes yeah she opens for me a lot yeah danielle stewart yeah i like bringing women on the road you're smart smart yeah smart smart be so you can abuse them uh mentally because i know you're a big you're everybody knows

and let it be the record fits emotionally abuses his his openers regardless of gender but he especially to women he'll go you're funny for a girl i guess and he lets that sit in their head for hours don't you and i say it with double irony where you you're playing it with irony but they're going he's being ironic about the irony he fucking means he means yeah and they have to sit with it and they have to sit with it and then when i talk to them i stare at their genitals and then i say dirty shit in their tape recorder when they're taping their set is it true you make your openers i've heard that you make your opener sleep in the lobby of the hotel in the lobby of the hotel yeah because well they give me money as a per diem for the

but i feel like that's that's your money that's my money right you deserve that money have you been to a holiday inn have you seen the couches they have? Mm-mm. No, they're fucking great. Oh, they're nice? They're fantastic. I don't know. I usually stay in a Four Seasons, and I'll make my feature, I'll make my opener. Typically, I'll make them rent a... Motel 6?

No, no, a car. I'll make them rent a car off of Turo or whatever, and they have to live in it for the whole week out front of the club. Passing out flyers? Dude, there's this guy... You know there's stories like that that's real, by the way. much as i joke i know stories about guys that are like craig shoemaker tortures his opening why they have to go up there's a script that they have to read why would

you do that they have to say the intro is like a fucking five minute a and e's biography of craig shoemaker and then when he and then they have to promote his merch throughout their set. Why? And then at the end, they do a whole QVC sales pitch. Right. If you want a good set,

get a shirt, get a hat, get a mug. Then they got to stand at the merch table and do the actual selling of the merch. They have to pack it up. And take it home. They have to travel with it. No. Yeah. It's not worth it i would say if this

is news to any opener and young and comedy if if if paying your dues uh means doing all of that stuff then don't pay your dues in that regard do it and find a different way to pay your dues because that's just not how it works i that you don't need to do all this like i'm not going to say who told me because he didn't it's not my business to say his name but i can say paulie but paulie had an opener that we knew paulie has had a new opener years ago that we know and that's the guy told me the story and he used to make them go when they would go get lunch right like when you take your fucking opener for lunch or whatever you buy him a fucking lunch because they're probably not making any money yeah and just do the right thing take him to fucking lunch don't be like whatever but he would take them he would

take them paulie would take the opener to lunch yes yes yes that's what i'm saying as a headliner it's like pay for their fucking lunch it's like a it's a rule but it's also what is lunch you know what i mean like let him get a fucking chicken sandwich some big deal he would make sure they would only go to subway and he'd make him get a foot long and it's like he used to go eat you eat six inches now and you eat six inches later so he would make them have lunch and dinner from subway that was his rule you if i'm buying this sub you eat six now if the club doesn't have food you better have that sandwich buddy he's his mother's son meanwhile he's making fucking 15 grand 20 grand well what was mitzi making at the store when she wasn't paying anything i heard a hundred grand a week at at the height

a hundred grand a week was was the rumor and i did the math on this because i'm obsessed with the the inflation calculator it's like one of my i don't know why for years i've been obsessed with finding out what things were then so in 1979 when, when the strike was going on, they said 100 grand a week was like what they averaged it. And that's about $340,000 to $365,000 a week in today's money. Damn. That's about anywhere from $16 to $18 million. So $15 million a year. Yeah, depending on how accurate those numbers are.

And back then, 95% cash, which means they claimed about a third of that. Yeah, to the government. They're like, 95% cash, which means they claimed about a third of that. Yeah. To the government, they're like, you're only making 40 grand a year? Yeah.

She's like, mm-hmm. That's right. Yeah. And by the way, that's also back then, a house in the hills maybe was a half a million.

Right. A half a million. A mansion, I mean. Like a mega mansion that they had. Right, right. Probably three or 400,000. Yeah, right.

For a fucking nine bedroom, because they lived in a famous person's house. I can't remember who it was. Oh, really? They bought somebody famous's house. Tori Spelling? No, no, no, no. It was like an old film star, Tori Spelling.

It was an old film star. I'm trying to remember who it was now. God damn it. Rock Hudson? No, I don't remember who it was. You know it i don't rock hudson no i don't remember who it was you know he didn't even die of aids do you know that i thought he died of aids faked his death no shit faked his death faked his death he moved to omaha nebraska was into corn got into corn barley farming then opened up some of the biggest bourbon distilleries

had moved to kentucky took all this corn land research yeah it's all a lie you're kidding right yep not gay rock hudson rock hudson not gay not gay so he was in the closet but kidding about being in the closet he really was not he was yeah he was not he wasn't he wasn't not not gay was it not he wasn't not not gay he wasn't not not gay yeah that's funny that's like uh my buddy's uncle i'll never forget he says um when magic got aids got hiv uh you know this like south side chicago guy my buddy's uncle was like he goes he's fucking gay dude and me and my buddy are like he's not gay dude he's got a wife he's got kids what are you talking about you know and he goes oh yeah how many straight guys you know got aids and that sat with me as a kid for

years i was like none i don't i don't know and he goes yeah he's gay that's like it was this just thing that hit home that like in my mind i was like that's not that can't be true who's who are his best friends cindy o'hall who is if you've seen him lately his feet don't touch the ground he's so gay he's with two best friends eddie murphy yeah who was picked up with a transvestite transsexual transsexual i don't know i don't know which one of this yeah i don't know what i don't know the right terminology but yeah um and uh yeah and i heard i did a radio show in indianapolis and uh afterwards one of the there was another guest on and she was one of these uh one of heidi fleiss's and she told me and she told me and i believe this was in her book so this i'm not putting out

she said she was hired and she went with two other prostitutes to a hotel room and it was magic eddie murphy and arsenio hall and they were on a bed and they were paid to do cheers and while they were doing the cheer those three guys were blowing each other and the cheer was suck his dick suck his dick blow him blow him this is what she said this is what she said to me and we're at breakfast in indianapolis and i i'm wiping tears from my eyes i'm like this is the greatest story i've ever heard blow him because b l o w him i see all these high school cheers blow him blow go go go blow blow blow dude honestly though you hear these stories and you go oh god this is fucking just people

but at some point you gotta go i don't know like may they got something's got to be true there something has to be true there well if i if you have that kind of money and you've had sex with every kind of woman in every position you get tired of pussy you try some new you i don't i don't believe that's it i don't think you get tired of pussy i think it no i don't mean the going gay i mean the hiring the cheerleaders oh right right they were already yes that's true well that's like the whole uh well what always fascinated me about magic was his wife what was her name uh cookie or whatever what's her whatever she never got hiv oh and that was a tip that was another thing pointed out by my buddy's outside uncle he was like you know he was

like he was like plus his wife ain't got no hiv how did how are you just gonna explain that yeah you know like i was like well you know i don't know maybe you know i don't i don't i don't know i don't know and obviously what he's saying Maybe, you know, I don't know. I don't know. And obviously what he's saying is, and as a kid I didn't know, he's not having sex with his wife. Not to mention, if he was having sex with her, because it's all about tearing the tissue on the inside.

I know. Picture his shot. Me and you know that well. Yes. I'm not tearing any tissue. No, not with me you're not. That's why we're good. Right. That's why when you fuck me, we're fine.

I never bleed when you and I have sex. i could be riddled with aids and fuck you and still be fine yeah yeah i go get tested and they're like your partner have aids i'm like oh my god he's his red blood cells are through the roof or whatever like well you're totally fine it's very interesting let's investigate his penis sir you're never gonna give someone aids with this penis it's you're fine you can fuck everybody you you know but save money on the condoms you don't need put that away yeah you don't need that yeah i think that must have it must well you've i've heard all these other rumors that you hear and i don't know how like tom cruise that's an old they're like tom cruise is gay and i had a friend of a friend of a friend who was like yeah he used to be a a personal trainer because he wanted to live krav maga and he would only do

krav maga training and and jujitsu mat training in um underwear and speedos he refused to wear clothes and made the trainer and they would get into positions for hours and hours and wrestle and then it would turn eventually into something sexual advances and and it always like i wonder if these are just wonderful rumors because we'd like to tell them wrestle and then it would turn eventually into something sexual advances and and you're always like i wonder if these are just wonderful rumors because we like to tell them or if they or if at some point they're real well part of it is the dianetics thing because there is sort of a pattern there i mean with john travolta they who is gay obviously by the way rest in peace his wife how sad his wife oh yeah yeah she just died yeah Oh, yeah, yeah. She just died.

Yeah, and that's the second wife that's died on him. He dated a much older woman. Really? When he was young. Oh, really? When he was on, like, Welcome Back, Cotter, he had a wife who was, like, 40. What? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know that stuff. Which, again, hallmark gay move. Yeah, for a young man to be dating, for, like, a 23-year-old to be dating a 40, or married to a 45-year-old woman. Red flag. Right, right flag that's so obvious and uh and so the the dianetics thing of pairing you up with a wife right the katie holmes thing right and they're dianetics is a publicity firm they put out an image of you and they protect it right they sue the fuck out of anybody that will try to out you. We're getting sued right now. I just got a lawsuit.

I just felt it. I bet you, if they see it. Yeah, they'll sue it. Yeah. They're going to take this sweltering 103 degree studio. I know. It's hot because the fucking, this AC didn't kick on until later. But I want to keep it hot for you because i like to see you in your element of

warmth this is great i actually i actually fucking love i love hot but why do you live here and here's what i never understand about people yeah you know we live in los angeles we have these beautiful beaches that people fly from around the world to visit yeah yeah and if you live near them you just go like i go year round. I play paddle tennis on the court. We play volleyball every Sunday, me and a bunch of comics.

You just said why I don't live there at the very beginning of that statement. The paddle tennis? No. Going to the beach? Millions of people

come here to be there. No, but it's not crowded. But no one's coming up here. Nobody comes anywhere near up here. That's like saying, yeah, nobody goes to fucking Rancho Cucamonga.

Nobody wants to be there. That's too far. Yeah. I live close. I live in a nice little nook. up here that's like saying yeah nobody goes to fucking uh no one goes rancho cucamong nobody wants to be there that's too far yeah i live close i live in a nice little nook no one bothers me i got famous people in my fucking i say hi to andy garcia every other day okay i live around dignitaries mexicans in the neighborhood gross gross gross of course by By the way, this is insane to me. We were late night ordering food, and I go, oh, my favorite taco place is closed. And my buddy goes, there's a bomb-ass taco place right up the street called Daniel's, about three miles, four miles up the road. And I said, Daniel's is not going to be a good fucking taco place.

Get the fuck out. That's a white guy taco place. Sure enough, I go there, and I'm like, no, no, this is, Daniel is just the name that's a white guy taco place sure enough i go there and i'm like no no this is daniel is just the name that they use yeah this is the og like the real shit yeah yeah and i had it i was like that's so funny how you're quick to judge that you're like how mexican is it yeah if it's a white guy mexican place i'm not gonna like it i don't like these white guy mexican taco places they're phony bullshit they're like they try to be like uh what it would like artisanal tacos get the

fuck out i know give me the old school food truck man yes that's best mexican food by far or what about street meat they have that up here yeah dude but street meat to me i've gotten sick have you yeah when i first moved here i only ate street because i could only afford street meat yeah and i got sick twice in hollywood i learned my lesson, I was like, what can I get for less than $3? Can I have as much of that as I can? And I was living on, I don't know, $20 a week for food. So I was like, how can I divvy up the week so I can get through the fucking entire week? So I would eat only street meat and ramen saved my life when I first moved out here.

Were you poor when you moved here or no? No, I didn't come out here right away. I didn't come out until 2000, I guess. So I'd been doing comedy for like 10 years. Well, okay,

when you went Boston to New York, were you broke in New York? Yes. Dead broke. What a fucking nightmare. It was and it was

absolutely the best times too. It was like the time when you get the closest to your friends. You're just, you know, I lived in a six floor walk up in little italy so i took a fucking six flights of stairs and there was mice and the floors were bent because it was an old tenement that had like settled you dropped an apple on the ground it would like roll to the wall somebody else's apple

now that's right yeah don't drop a fucking piece of somebody else's food and uh plus it was in little italy with all those scumbag italians you those fucking pieces of shit i can say that you can't i can those are my people the italians and the irish really we fucking hate each other but yet we get married and we have kids yeah that's me i'm i'm of those yeah i'm i'm precisely the well it's no it's no mystery when someone's like santino i've talked about it's annoying oh you read that name santino it's like yeah have you ever been to um philly the bronx boston the low rent neighborhoods guess who's living there irish and fucking italian people because they're like this is the only place that we can afford and we're with these pieces of shit and they'll fight relentlessly

over you know who's the king what is it somebody tweeted this was really funny somebody tweeted and sent it to me they go this is perfect for you some kid from the bronx goes i'll fight any fucking irish person in the united states i'll pay for your plane ticket to prove that italians are better than irish some italian give her the bronx like i'll fight any fucking irish kid in the u.s to prove that we're better i had i had two guineas on my podcast this afternoon i had michael imperioli and steve sciarippo oh yeah they're moving around a bunch doing a bunch of shows yeah well they're promoting this um sopranos podcast that they're doing i think we were gonna have them on this show

but i said i don't want some fucking wop pigs on my show you know i don't want some guinea fucking noodle pigs on my show take your spaghetti fuck I don't want some Guinea fucking noodle pigs on my show. Take your spaghetti, fuck off. Well, and this heat, can you imagine how fucking, Italians, the women, the sweat just drips from the armpits. Yeah, yeah.

Because they're hairy and they're oily. They drink olive oil as a bottle. Yeah. They just fucking. This clip will be removed out of context. Fitz and Santino hate on Italians. Yeah, Italy Daily will be removed out of context as it yeah fitz and santino hate on italian yeah italy daily will be fucking tweeting about us but i was thinking when i was talking to them about these were the guys i fucking hated growing up because i was born in the bronx and

i lived there till i was about nine and it was all italians as my parents italians italians yeah and then we moved to tarrytown which was like uh every type of person and uh to this day when i talk to irish people like my friend mary i can't say her last name but she's like oh she's like they're dumb she's like they're just fucking dumb they're dumber gallagher ohulahan uh uh it starts with fits oh does it my here's my three best friends in in la are gubbins gibbons fitz gibbons mike and fitzsimmons yeah and mike yeah yeah yeah that's that is so fun that's so insane and then mike i should show you my speed dial on my phone it's fitzgerald it's dugan it's uh malloy donovan malone any maloney's and o'neill right no maloney's and those really are my best friends

yeah but i look more like those people than they probably yes you do it's so funny when whenever i go anywhere to any predominantly irish place they look at me like i'm the i'm the representation in some way. Because I have the fucking map of Ireland on my face. Meanwhile, most of my family doesn't look... They don't look like... There's a handful that kind of look very Irish. The Irish face, the pug nose,

the tiny little... I think you carry yourself more like an Italian, though. You have more attitude. More self-confidence. More of the asshole thing got from the the the lightheartedness joke about everything make fun of sadness that's that's the irish thing right but the italian is like any sense of cockiness by the way comes from the italians are the cockiest motherfuckers on earth yeah just uh unfounded oh yeah dude they're both and they like peacocking you know like showing off yeah peacocking is inherently an italian thing they fucking love

showing off it's such a big deal to be like i am the thing yeah and meanwhile irish are embarrassed you're not you're not supposed to be there you should be embarrassed that they let you in and you should be quiet and hide away until you get approval. And even then, belittle the fact that they even let you in. Look at where we go. Look at where we drink. Right. Irish people, dark bars. Dark, black, yeah, yeah.

You sit at the bar in the corner. Quiet. And you listen to fucking sad music. And then Italians, discotheques, mirrored balls spinning with lights flashing. Showing them themselves. Yeah. Mirrors of themselves everywhere. They could see themselves

at all times. Right, right. That is true. It just became a, I think, so I stole the confident thing from my dad's side because I had to

for comedy, for stand-up. And I'm lucky that I got that because you have that though. You have this, if you don't, if you have, if you're really funny

but don't have enough confidence, you'll literally never make it. Yeah. Yeah yeah there's guys i know that are hysterical they just lacks the thing of like believing in it and it's the one thing that they'll that'll hold them back yeah i have a really good friend i don't want to say his name who i think is arguably one of the funniest people at the comedy club in any given time of anybody who's there yeah he's got this weird confidence thing where he is confident, but it doesn't feel genuine. Yeah.

It feels like it's only because he knows he's good. Sometimes, though, I think the confidence thing at the store has become so primary. Like that overtakes jokes? Yes. Sure. I feel like the bravado on stage has almost become bigger than the joke writing

and the subtlety that you see in other places. And yet, I do think it's the best place to do comedy in LA. Yeah. You know, the crowds that show up there,

I don't know why, but they're there for the ride. They show up to fucking laugh. And you don't see that in the other clubs as much. No. Well, you don't see that in the other clubs as much no well you don't see that in almost anything as much and i think it's also because of the namesake people know the history they know that they're going to get a mixed bag of nuts yeah i think they're excited about that right i think that's hard to sell somebody who doesn't have a familiarity

with what the history of the place is yeah they would just go like why is this so strange like you know when you know like there's comment cards at certain comedy clubs and they'll complain about a feature or something. Yeah. And it's like, we only came to see the headline. Right. Are you that much of a cunt that you can't sit through someone that I think is also talented?

Yeah. Like you just don't want to invest your time in anybody else. Like that's how spoiled we are as consumers of entertainment. You know, it's, it goes, it just goes to show. We talked about like,

can't watch an hour of standup anymore either. Cause we're like i don't need to yeah i'll fucking watch six minutes and i'm good right give me what you've gotten this little thing you know although quibi quibi proved to not be the model i think they thought that that was going to be the thing and who knew that people weren't going to pay anything for the internet it's literally where it's like just what do they say two bucks give us two bucks a month and we will program the biggest stars yeah with million dollar budgets people like nah not even do that no i think the biggest problem with it is that um it wasn't authentic it's not it's not organic right people are cool with paying as long as they feel like it's organic that's true this sounds like a bunch of old white guys we're in which it is we're like we got we have to make a youtube for the phone

but with famous people yeah and they can and young kids are smart like your kids are fucking so smart it's unbelievable that they even associate with you anymore yeah you know because you know your level of intelligence it's fine But your kids are really intelligent. I try so hard. I swear to God, I really do. But you know how smart they are. And you know that they know your bullshit. So, like, I guess maybe I was dumber. We didn't see through as much shit.

And now that they're so privy and informed, kids go, nah, that's fucking phony. They knew it before it launched i remember talking to them about quibi and they're like dad it's gonna last two fucking eating cereal on his phone i got dad yeah it's gonna last two weeks because they because they've been they've grown up in a time when um the curtain is exposed you know like they always see uh the man behind the curtain do you know what i mean like our generation i mean my generation i didn't really see it as much there wasn't as much behind the scenes we Do you know what I mean? Like our generation, I mean, my generation, I didn't really see it as much. There wasn't as much behind the scenes.

We didn't get it yet. Yeah. But their generation is pure. Like here's everything. That's how the machine works. Yeah. They see how the sausage is made now, but someone still got to pay for the machine.

And that's the thing about the internet is like, we could use it to tour and make money, but now that we're not touring and we may not this year i don't i think until next year yeah then how do you monetize well podcasting you can monetize but for a lot of other comics that aren't podcasting you know it's very hard to figure out how you're gonna you know i think a lot of people are gonna move home yeah a lot of people gonna move home or uh sex work is big i know you have an OnlyFans page where you do a feet show every Tuesdays and Thursdays. Is that what it is?

Yeah. And what I do is one of my feet I don't groom because some of the guys are into the dirty shit. Right. Yeah. So I paint them so they look like Joey Diaz's feet with all the fungus. And the other one, I buff the fuck out of it. Shine it up.

Like a Thai woman. I stay on top of that shit. I get the cuticles nice and rounded. Yeah. Pluck the hairs on the knuckles. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Well, if you want to go see it, it's Fitz Baby Boy.

Fitz Baby Boy's Feet at OnlyFans.com. And that exists, I'm sure. Somebody's already got that one. Yeah, you know what that is. Let me ask you one thing. I love doing your show. I did your show. I had a great time on your show i'm interested because your rhythm as a comedian is so different than it is as when you

podcast are there people that can't that you think are gonna play well with you on there that don't at all oh yeah you know what i mean by that like because your rhythm was a stand-up and as a guy is significantly different than what you do on your show. Are there people that you get that think that they know what they're getting into, but they just can't hang? I had a really bad incident with Rob Corddry's brother. Is he in entertainment as well? Yeah, he's on sitcoms. He's really big.

Oh, okay. And he came on the podcast because I'm i'm friends with his brother yeah rob's funny and i reached out to rob is beyond funny he's fucking great and the greatest guy and i i don't know if i reached out to him or his brother reached out to me but he came on he came on the show and because it was rob's brother i just assumed because rob is a huge ball buster yeah i go right in on him and on the air i start going after him and he looks at me like i just called his mother a cunt i was like what the fuck and then we kind of like i we talk i go are you all right and he was like no that was really not and so we kind of went back and forth and then you know when you you put a band-aid on it but it ain't healed it's hemorrhaging blood on the side of the band-aid for

45 minutes there is blood dripping off the band-aid and we finally finished and i'm like all right go get this thing cauterized because and and and then he like tweeted some shit about it afterwards oh like he was like a fucking fuck you a little bit oh wow yeah he just couldn't take the hit couldn't he just but it was just i shouldn't say he couldn't take the hit he didn't get the tone i don't i think he's got a very and i've talked to people that know him and he's a different personality than his brother sure but i mean yeah but that's my other thing listen to my podcast yep do me do me this if you're gonna come on my podcast and i'm gonna promote your shit or whatever yeah give me 10 minutes you don't have to listen the whole hour

just get a sense of what understand the kind of vibe yeah rhythm yeah the rhythm well then it's also like comics just also we often assume that people are going to get they're going to get this the rhythm to things of our comedy go of course i'm kidding of course i'm kidding you need to say it every two seconds but some people don't and look i'm going to tell somebody else's story but it just made me think of it i can't say his name because i don't want to i don't want to bury him i can't wait for this to be over so we can like yeah yeah notes i know i know i know other names yeah uh he was at a party um at a house party in East Idaho, in East LA. And a very progressive group of people who are extremely left-leaning,

you know, and it's very woke. It's a very woke group of people, right? And he's moderate in that sense. Like, he's not overly, but he's, like, very conscious of it. But he's like, you know, I'm there with, like,

and he's gay, and he's like, I'm there with a bunch of lesbians and gay people and, you know, kind of, like, loose sense of humor. You know what I mean? Like, we're all talking shit and joking around. I'm there with like, and he's gay. And he's like, I'm there with a bunch of lesbians and gay people and, you know, kind of like loose sense of humor. You know what I mean? Like we're all talking shit and joking around. I'm thinking everything's a joke. The people that live there have two adopted daughters. And one of the daughters is running around the backyard naked, you know, young, young little girl. She's running around naked and they're running the

sprinklers and everyone's laughing. It's like a picnic, a barbecue. And he turns to one of the people at the barbecue and goes, she's a little young to be shaving, don't you think? And the people, and they couldn't do it. They were like the record. Everyone was like, what did you just say? Oh, he didn't just say it to one person. He said it aloud to the-

Well, it was like to a mini part of the party. Yeah. Like three or four people. Oh, shit. And they, hey, what did you just say? Oh, he didn't just say it to one person. He said it aloud to the- Well, it was like to a mini part of the party. Yeah. Like three or four people. Oh, shit. And they kicked him out, and they never asked him to come. He never talked to these people ever again. And who owned the house? I'll tell you afterwards who it is.

Oh, that's fucking great. But that's the idea. He's a comic. He's a writer. And- The worst part is, when we think it, we can't not say it. To at least one person, the thought has to come out. Oh, well, he had said in retrospect, as he was saying it, he thought,

do I know them well enough to make this fucking joke? Yeah. Because as a comic. And is the joke good enough? I think that's a, who wouldn't laugh? I mean, holy fuck. It doesn't get any better than that joke. Well, it's not gross.

It's not sexualizing. It's making an off-colored, slighted joke. I mean, it's like your kid's running around butt naked. It's like such a throwaway joke. But they were so offended by it that they were like, they never talked again. And he was like, he had seen one of their friends down the road somewhere, and they ignored him. As if it was like, you're like the most disgusting, evil. Because we've all made an off-color joke thinking

it's harmless yeah i don't mean anything by the thing but i've had people take things wrong that you're like oh boy and it fucks up the whole night yeah or fucks up the whole podcast i was at a party one time and i told you my kids went to the spanish immersion school so we're at a party with parents and i'm talking about a crowd. I'm talking to a couple guys I know. And I said, they were better behaved than a Mexican family at a bus stop. And this guy jumps in. And he goes, hey, that's really fucking racist.

I go, what are you talking about? I go, Mexican kids are way better behaved yeah that's a compliment than white kids i go that's a compliment he goes you can't generalize i go yeah you actually can because they're here a lot of them are here and they're trying to make their way in this country a lot of them are undocumented they're not trying to cause a lot of uh cause a stir yeah cause a stir and so they tend to be better behaved and they also they come from intact catholic families where there's as respect for your elders they're just better fucking yeah they're good kids and this guy was a judge he's

a judge on the west side and we got into it and it turns out later this guy's a complete fucking asshole i could tell i'm sure he's listening to this and uh and to this day he and i afford a party together it's like fuck you yeah it's a fuck you but i take that as a badge of honor yeah there's certain times in those socials i walk away going like i can back that up yeah because you were right it's a funny joke about a true thing right also is he a white guy he is a liberal okay so again this goes back to my original point the people that get the most mad at these things typically aren't the things that you're joking the people that you would laugh the most with are the people that you're talking about yeah i said on a podcast because i had said an old joke is you my my dad has more wives than

ex-wives and my black friends have shoes and And any black friend I know is like, yeah, that's hilarious. But I've had a white comic friend be like, I don't know, man. I don't know how you can say that. It's like, no, I can't. Do you have black friends? No. That's why you don't get the joke because there's no application to you. Right, right.

You can't personalize it. You can't run that through the filter of how you would have felt with your black friends. Right, because you don't have it. So if it doesn't exist, it's like saying when you say that joke, more behave than a Mexican kid at a bus stop. In his mind, he's going he hears Mexican kid, Mexican kid. Yeah, that's the only target that the trigger word. It's not. Are you listening to what I just fucking said? Right. I mean, I have a joke that I do in my set. Are you listening to what I just fucking said? Right. I mean, I have a joke that I do in my set that's about, I talk about a handicapped girl,

a story about a handicapped girl. And without giving it away, I had a woman just lose it on me. And I said, do you have a handicapped child? Because if you listen to the joke, it actually is, it's talking about how misrepresented handicapped people are and how people just view them and think about them as less than. That's what the joke is, actually making fun of society. Right. And she says, no, but I'm offended by it.

She has no relevance to handicapped people. Yeah. So after the show, two guys come up to me. Two dads, probably, you know, like late 40s, early 50s. And they waited forever. They come up to me and the one guy says, hey, man, we are, you know,

we live in the same neighborhood. We both have handicapped kids. And I was like like get my seat belt out like i'm like these guys want to what are they gonna fight me outside after you know and they were like we fucking love that shit because he was like we it was just so honest and funny and also what a comment about what's about society's view of handicapped people yeah and i and i wish i could have fucking ate taken their words out of their mouth and thrown it at that idiot. Yeah. But it was like, that's the world we live in.

She has no context. That's the problem with comedy's cancel culture is it's mostly people that don't have any relation to the thing they're the most mad about. Yeah. They feel like they're supposed to be mad for these people. Right. Which inherently is racist.

That's like this white savior like, I'll protect the mexicans for the mexicans like who the fuck are you yeah i had a woman open it for me it wasn't ah i just said the name of the person i was trying to protect yeah it wasn't erica rose or somebody else i can i still tell this story we can bleep i? We can bleep, I'll bleep the name. Okay. I'll bleep the name. And I did a joke about rape in my act, and it wasn't, again, it was about rape. It wasn't attacking the victim of rape.

Right. You're talking about the subject of rape. Yes. Right, okay. About how I was walking down a hallway in a hotel and like I got in an elevator late at night and there was a woman already on and I went to push five

and she had already pushed five. And so we wait, the door opens, we get out and she goes left and I'm going left also. And now we're like walking down this long hallway. It's one in the morning. This is happening to everybody, by the way. Right, and I start to feel like this is what it must feel like to be a rapist, you know?

And then I just start saying to myself, don't do it. And so it's like a pretty harmless joke, and it's about a real thing. And so this woman comes up to me afterwards, and she's in the lobby. That's a fucked up joke. People have been raped, and that's triggering, whatever. And the woman who was open for me looked at the woman and she goes, I've been raped

and I think it's a hilarious joke. Oh, that's great. And I went, thank you so much. That was so fucking cool. Yeah, because also, again, it's a trigger word that triggered her. Now, whether she had been sexually assaulted

at some point in her life, that's not the point. She didn't hear the rest of the joke. Yeah. You weren't saying, and it's okay to you know you weren't validating something evil you're talking about something because we have if we can't talk about fucked up shit yeah and talk about the world within it we're then we're out of then we're never going to have any sort of social talk ever and i talked to a tell a lot about this and he's upset he's always obsessed with how like

things are getting so PC and he doesn't think he's going to be able to tour anymore. And I'm like, that's not true. Dave, it's the opposite. Yes. It's the opposite. There's so many people that need a relief from this

that want to go to a comedy club and hear you say things that they can't say that they used to be able to say. Or they still talk about, but they only talk about it at home or with one friend. Right. Yeah, I don't believe in that rhetoric of like, what can you say anymore?

It's like anything you fucking want. If it's funny, that was like Patrice's oldest rule. It was like, you can say fucking anything. Yeah. If you're funny and you believe in it, you could say it.

Yeah. It doesn't mean everyone's going to like it. Yeah. But you can say it. There is no one going, you can't say it. It's like, yes, you fucking can. Yeah. It's just, how are you saying it? but it's you can do you can say there is no one going you can't say it's like yes you fucking can yeah it's just how are you saying it and what are you really saying

like that joke is a fucking great joke because you're like in your mind we've many men have gone down that hallway yeah and you want to go ma'am i'm not gonna do anything i just this is a coincidence you know you're saying. Right, right. Yeah. What's that, sweetheart? I'm on my way home. You know. Yeah, right. Yeah, you want to justify the idea of like, this is what creepiness is, and I'm not trying to be creepy.

And it's about how society makes you feel creepy. Creepy. It's like, I have a hard time being around little kids. Well, that's because of your past. That's because of your past. That is long past. My libido is so much lower now. Why?

Because when you're around kids, you think societally, you're like... Yeah, I feel like I can't play with a strange kid in a park. I'm not even kidding. I know what you mean. We go to Central Park in the summer. We go back to New York every year for a couple weeks, and we go to Central Park every fucking day with the kids, when they were little. And I would always play with little kids and I play with my son and kids that he met and can't do that I don't fuck with anybody's kids anymore dude it's so funny

when I when I take the dog to the dog park or just to any park kids always want to play with my dog and I'm so reluctant yeah to let them because I don't want to have the conversation with the parent that's like come come on, Steven. Come on, Timmy. You know, like, give me this weird, like, why are you talking to my kid? Right. Because the innocence just has gone. They assume right away because I'm talking to the kid because they're talking to the dog.

Because I'll go, what's your name? You know, and Mikey. Oh, Mikey. Do you guys have a dog at your house? Immediately to a parent, they're like, what are you trying to get in my kid's head, perf? You know, it's like, oh, no, I just want. So so now i'm reluctant to i don't say hi to any of the kids they don't i don't let kids pet the dog anymore because parents have this weird protective when opposite of when we were a kid my parents were like see you in a couple hours you know

yeah we could go out and be like this man talked to me in a van and my dad's like okay all right good night got some candy out of the deal. My dad used to wrestle with my friends. Yeah. He used to fucking wrestle and we're like, you know,

seven, eight years old and we'd be a sleepover and we'd have the pile on. Throw kids over the couch and shit. Yeah. Beat the shit out of us. No, you can't do that now.

You do that with your, you do that with your friend, your kid's friends, you're going to fucking prison. You can barely do it to your own kids. Right. Well, you can, you just have to make sure they know how to shut up. If you're going to hit your kids friends you're going to fucking prison you can barely do it to your own kids right well you can you just have to make sure they know how to shut up if you're gonna hit your kids you

gotta make them shut the fuck up i'm i like that's the one thing you're gonna you can hit your kids but it has to be a learned thing where it's like i hit you but you don't talk about me hitting you yeah that's what they need to learn they don't know naturally no no you talk they're fucking talkers you gotta got to change that. You're going to hit them. You got to hit them in a silence. All right. We end every episode the same way.

Wait, there's something I wanted to ask you. Six one. Six and a half inches. Have you measured your dick? And if you do, is it from where the stomach hits the base of the shaft? Because some guys will cheat and they'll try to go from the underside. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a cheat.

That's a big cheat. Yeah, no, you can't cheat. No, it's got to be. And I haven't done it in a long time. But high school, that was probably the biggest. High school or college is when that became. It's when you become aware that other people have penises of many different sizes. Yeah.

Because you're either in sports or, you know what I mean? Like when you see roommates, you're like, shit. Or you're like, okay, I'm good. I'm fine. Yeah. It becomes this weird duality meter of like so much confidence or so much, or a lack of confidence because your friends are just beasts and you're like, oh, you know. Like I played high school basketball.

Yeah. I mean. Everybody was big. I mean, mean i showered at home that knocked out my ego bad yeah i mean there were there were dudes two of them became pro football players by the way i played with two pro athletes no shit yeah it was embarrassing it was disgusting yeah it was disgusting as a freshman uh to make varsity and be near that is it's these guys are men they're men and i'm a little penis boy that's why you got to play like badminton more of an asian game swimming swimming i was on the math team we never showered you gotta be on chest you gotta get to these asian games that you're good yeah no i that that was etched into my brain forever. Seeing penises when you play sports will forever... It actually shapes you as a man.

It gives you like a... Okay, I feel good in this category. I'm not... That guy's much smaller than me. Yeah. That guy's about my size. These guys are fucking athletes. They're pro...

I'm never going to compete. Those are the guys that don't even look down. They don't even know. You see them from the time they unzip to the time they take them off to the time they walk. They don't look down once. One of the kids in my high school. I'm fucking fluffing. I'm looking.

I'm looking around. Smacking it, trying to get it juiced up. This guy used to sit naked on the bench. He'd put his towel on the bench, and he would sit and have conversations with guys as they were getting changed. Yeah. But it wasn't because he was like look at my big dick it's just because when you have one it doesn't matter if they see it yeah he wasn't like showing it off but he was just like we were we'd be telling jokes and laughing yeah but i'd be doing the hide the towel hide the penis you know what i mean like rupaul drag race

yeah i'd be doing the rupaul drag race talk you hold this tape i'd make him tuck you hold the tape for me thanks bud dude can someone tape me up that honestly it was the way i learned about like uh that gave it gives you a little bit of confidence when you go okay i'm fine yeah i'm a normal penis guy. Because the fear is like, if you're the smallest guy in the locker room, it's just... You're going to get a nickname. Yes.

You're going to get a nickname. You know what I mean? The turtle. We call this guy the turtle. Cigar butt. Cigar butt. Because it would just bury itself in the nutsack. And you're like, that poor guy.

What was your nickname? Were you Cig you cigar butt did you have a nickname i now i had actually other than here's the thing is i have a big penis and i'm not saying that in a way this is i've read that i've seen the reddit thread have you no no no but this is something that comics talk about because i slept with a few female comics and they all talked about it and then one in particular i dated and broke up with me because it hurt too much wow yeah that's great and so colin quinn heard about it so i went on tough crowd one time and i was with patrice and i was with colin and uh somebody else i'll tell you after the show okay another woman and uh colin called me on it he goes i keep hearing these rumors fitzsimmons let's see it and so i didn't miss a beat i unzipped my pants on the show i pulled no no backstage okay okay i whip it out and you know it's a decent size when you say

whip yeah whip is yeah you don't you don't say like pull it out means you got to look for it you gotta sneak it out yeah yeah i shuffled it out i shoveled it out i coerced it out. Pull means you gotta look for it. You gotta pull it. Sneak it out. Yeah. I shuffled it out. I shoveled it out. I coerced it out of its home. So I unleash it, and Colin goes, holy shit, that's for real. And there was a black woman in the room, and she nodded, and Colin went,

that's all I need to see. She gave you a verification. And then he brought it up on the show, and every time I did the show after that, he would bring it up. And now that woman, that comic, is going to sue you. But when I was a kid, we were swimming in the Tarrytown Lake in the spring. And I got out, and it was small. And they called me Cigar Butt.

Shut up. It didn't last forever, but for a couple of years, I was Cigar Butt. Shut up. Yeah. It didn't last forever, but for a couple years, I was Cigar Butt. That one hurts. That hurt. I was Opie. Yeah. All the black kids called me Opie.

Yeah. They go, Opie Taylor right there. That's what they'd say all the time. Hey, hey, they go, Opie right there. And that didn't hurt my feelings,

but it did. I just couldn't believe that many black guys watched Andy Griffith. Yeah. I was like, really? They knew Andy Griffith's show? Like, fucking, it's such a white nerd show.

Right. If I had comedy chops back then, I would have made fun of them for that. Like, what are you watching old white guy bullshit shows for? Because Opie was such a specific reference. Yeah, like Wu-Tang had some songs that were, like, quoting white, I can't remember what the quotes were, but I just remember they always had, like, things you got, like, when did the fucking Wuu-tang clan watch you know the brady bunch right yeah well then because you realize that like uh even if dudes are cool everyone has a nerd element in

them yeah where they all hide it you know so you find out that some of the most like i'm too cool guys have such nerdy shit that they're in love with but they just don't talk about it because they're embarrassed you'll find out that they're a normal dork like everybody right yeah opie was the only one that stuck with me that i like uh that it was annoying to me almost that i was like what what a lame it's not even an insult yeah it's just like the redhead which is a compliment if it's not a hard insult i know but it was almost so it's like a lazy yeah like Carrot Top was it's so lazy yeah

it was like oh that's so lazy right what the goofy comic that you see that also has a color like hit me with something hard like give me the thing

if you're gonna hit me with like insults to me if you were making fun of somebody it's like really fuck them up alright let's come up with nicknames

for each other okay that will really hurt okay do it bad breath johnson okay because you have really bad breath okay um old pussy neck fit simmons you don't have bad breath i couldn't think anything i know Old pussy neck fit Simmons. You don't have bad breath. I couldn't think of anything.

I know. I said the pussy neck because you said it. I was going to say something about your eyebrows, but I couldn't think of anything. They're bushy. They're really bushy. Yeah. Yeah. Cunt face.

Old cunt face? Old cunt face. What about old... Did you ever get... I kick a football through them teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah. But your gap isn't really big. It's actually perfect.

It's enough where when they do a caricature of you, a fan sends you some art, it gives them something to work with. That's like a butt chin. You have kind of a butt chin, but you have a slight enough where it's got the man element, and the gap teeth is the man element. When somebody has too much of a butt or too big of a gap, then it's embarrassing and funny. Then you paul sheer right yeah that's exactly right

yeah then it becomes a joke bit then it's then that then you have to be a goofball yeah otherwise people are like i can't you can't take you so you have a fucking you have an ass on your face i can still be a leading man in um like say like a 60 to $75 movie. That'd be the budget. You could be a leading guy. You could still be a lead in something. Why not? Wow.

Why can't the fuck, like, don't you think we're going to come back to this place of like, people are tired of seeing who they think they're supposed to see on film and not just- I think so. Yes. Like, don't you want to see people that look like fucking humans anymore? Yeah. Like, how many women look like Gal humans anymore? Yeah. Like how many women look like Gal Gadot?

Two? She's not a real fucking person. I know. I watched a sitcom on ABC last year. I can't remember the name, but like the leads were in bed and they thought they heard something downstairs.

So they both got up out of bed to go run downstairs with like a broom and something. And they're wearing underwear and he's got on tighty-whities. of bed to go run downstairs with like a broom and something and they're wearing underwear and he's got on tighty whities he is fucking ripped and tan and gorgeous and she looks like a victoria secret mount i'm like what was the casting session like for this comedy show yeah were these the funniest people that came in that day dude or was eddie pepitone in the lobby right ready to

fucking destroy the lines right and they just were like yeah there's a nude scene in the first act yeah we just can't yeah i just think people are tired of seeing people that don't look like people anymore yeah you should look like a human it should be yeah like if we're gonna embrace this whole culture with women of like this feminist push to be like uh uh all body sizes are are beautiful and it's like okay great then let fucking normal looking people in hollywood then great because who wants to fucking looking at beautiful people is good for certain things i get it but don't you want to feel like those are real things that you're looking at anymore because at some point i don't you see a movie it takes you out i said this

i said this before i watched will ferrell's new movie eurovision and uh i love will i've always loved him but it's gotten to the point where all i see is will now i don't see the person he's trying to play yeah which i think is a tough breaking point for me for characters of like you got to get someone new and you got to get someone different doesn't it i'm not saying like someone get the young class in there it It's like, there's a million other people that I wanna look at them and not see Will Ferrell. You know,

like I just, I was watching it trying and I was like, it's Will Ferrell. It's Will Ferrell. I kept looping Will Ferrell in my head. You can't escape anymore. I feel like the more shows come out

with new people, the more I'm excited. Because I'm like, oh fuck, I've never seen this person. They may be big in Britain or whatever or like have had one or two sitcoms here. But I just rather invest in the new.

Who's the guy that gets roles that you want to be getting or who you know you're competing with? Honestly, no, I don't. I used to joke me and Ian Edwards would go out for the same stuff. That's how little they did. I swear to God.

It would be like three black guys and me. Really? Yes. I swear all the time I'd get, I used to joke, me and Ian Edwards would go out for the same stuff. That's how little they did. I swear to God, it would be like three black guys and me. Really? Yes, I swear, all the time I'd get, fuck, I'd be put in this class of like non-white, because Hollywood pretended to not be racist. They were so racist. They'd be like, bring in the blacks and the ne'er-do-wells, whatever they categorize.

So it would be like me, a guy who has like an ear down here and like one black guy and a Puerto Rican kid. I was in this group of nonsense guys for years until they finally were like, oh my God, we are racist. And they overcorrected their mistake and realized that they're even more racist now than they ever were. But that's a whole other discussion. But I never, there was never a guy that I always went up against. I never had like one guy that was, I mean uh who gets roles that i like a lot i don't know i mean maybe um i feel like that miles teller kid gets a lot of cool stuff

who's that he was in that he was in the um in the drum movie with uh that he was in the um in the drum movie with uh jk simmons why oh yeah yeah yeah right why can't i think of his fucking anyway he's kind of like a young cool kid that i'm like i could do some of those cool roles i could do something near that i don't know i've never why did you have you have someone that stole a role from talent i every time i'd go to an audition really every pilot season so much funnier than that guy. It wasn't talent then. It was just a... It was...

He'd be signed in. Yeah. And I could hear laughing in the room. And then the door would open. Arm around one of them. Mm-hmm. Kisses another one on the cheek. Yeah.

Sexually harassing everybody. And, you know, with a fucking half a bulge sticking out that, you know, he's got a sock in there. Yeah, yeah. Well, he has the pump. He's got a pump. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. And I would just be like, all right, do you validate parking? Because I'm not even going in. I'm going home. No, I never had one guy that like, that stole rolls,

but I did. This is bad, but I did. And not talking bad about him, but the guy that they put me up against for when I did I'm Dying Up Here, this is awful. They put me up against this guy knowing that I think they were going to pick me,

which was a really weird move. Like they had been kind of candid with my team about being like, Well, because they probably need to negotiate against you. Yeah, but it was, but,

you know, in retrospect, I was like, that was fucked up for this guy. He flew out from New was but you know in retrospect i was like that was fucked up for this guy he flew out from new york you know really and he's a good actor he's a good dude yeah and then um halfway through the first season i had gotten a talk from um when they were doing uh uh this is us and uh i'd known the showrunner and i know some people over there and they were like hey they want you to do this one role um there's one other guy up for it and it was the same fucking kid no shit and i got that over him too so he fucking hey he probably sees me and is like fuck that guy yeah fuck that guy because we interacted a few times he was like hey man and

i was like oh fuck yeah and can i say this this is mean but i knew i was going to get it over him as well like it was just a well now you know every time because there's an alpha status well it sucked but i could feel it when it was him i was like oh fuck i'm gonna beat you for this he's gonna want to murder me yeah and he probably does hate my fucking guy he probably sees me anytime he sees me on anything he's probably a lot of people hate me yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You are the organizer of that list. Why do you keep passing that around? That's I don't like that. I'm BCC.

I've tried to get off the list. Well, come on, dude, please. Can you stop? It's got a life of its own now. I mean,

every comedy community is in it. Like Austin comics. Yeah. Houston comics. Fucking. I heard in Spain, and this is weird because I didn't know there was stand-up in Spain. There's a good scene there now.

They fucking hate you. What? Hate you. Fuck. Yeah. All right, well, you know, it is what it is. I mean, you know, at the end of the day, I'll keep working and being funny and trying my best,

and one day I can be like you. That's right. Turkey neck McGee. All right, look in the camera and we end the episode with one word. Can I plug my... No.

Your shit is meaningless. Yeah, of course. I got a new podcast that... You mentioned Mike Gibbons before. Yes. And, you know, having guests is great, but like we've been best friends

since college. Yeah. And if you don't know Mike Gibbons, he's a guy who created a lot of shows. He created Tosh.0. Very smart. Very talented. The Showbiz Show with David Spade.

And he's worked with everybody. All the Between Two Ferns. Yeah. So we do every Sunday, we tape it on Saturday. We get the Sunday paper early and we rip through it and we do each section of the news.

And it makes this look tame the shit we say about race yeah and women you just let it go well because we've known each other so long

we just forget we're even taping anything right and uh it's your get me cancelled project exactly yeah and it's called Sunday Papers

and it's been it's been growing really fast and I'm psyched to come on here because I know you have a lot of great listeners and uh so check it out sunday papers and you're still doing you're still doing fits you're still dog radios out there and then childish is my other podcast with allison rosen that one doesn't matter at all i'm not we're gonna bleep that one out i don't know allison i'm so sorry i tried she'll give me shit if i don't no no but those three listen to them but especially

the new one because that sounds phenomenal. Yeah. Sunday Paper. Sunday Paper. Listen to it. Are you filming it or no? Yeah, it's on YouTube also. All right, great.

I'll mention it up top, so if people didn't get this far, they'll hear it at the beginning as well. Look in the camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode as soon as I get off camera here. One word or one phrase. Apocalypse. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.