Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Harland Williams

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Santino sits down with Harland Williams about making his own t-shirts, we talk to the devil, how much he loves pure Concord grape juice and we learn about hunchback cousins on a dew wig warm farm. COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! DRAFT KINGS 56 to 1 odds on any NFL teams Download the Draft Kings app Code WHISKEY BESPOKE POST Go to https://boxofawesome.com PROMO Code WHISKEY Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Like it, subscribe it, leave a comment down below for the Al Go Rhythm. Spread the word of the Whiskey Ginger. We've been doing it for three years now, and I'm happy to keep this train moving. I want to thank you guys for listening to every episode. If you can, it means a lot to me. Put it on in the background. If it's not somebody you know, enjoy someone you don't know.

If it's somebody you know, put it on in the background while you're washing your dog, clipping your toenails, cleaning out your your fridge fist fighting with a sibling whatever you got to do to make your life better in 2022 my guest this week is one of my favorite uh wild-brained delicious kooky strange birds uh harlan williams i love this dude so much he is a genius in the comedic world uh a brilliant man a beautiful man i love him to death he's so wild and weird and who knows what's real with this guy you don't uh this week right now hey today tonight i am in kansas city i'm in kansas city and st louis this weekend uh this weekend i'm in kansas city and st louis come out and see your boy uh see me oh i'm in st louis

tonight i'm so sorry i'm in st lou Louis tonight. I'm so sorry. I'm in St. Louis tonight. Kansas City tomorrow night. I apologize. St. Louis tonight. Kansas City tomorrow night. AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com for the tickets. I'm on the road so much more. I'm doing Chicago Theater February 5th. Huge for me. And then I'm also doing Vancouver.

I'm doing Seattle. I'm doing Portland. I'm doing Vegas. We just added Green Bay with Chrissy D Chrissy Chaos so go androsantino.com for those tickets androsantino.com

for the tickets I'm mumbling rambling too much enough from me let's go to the episode in here we pour whiskey

whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger

like vampires the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. That's just me. I do that to myself to make, you You know Just to let myself know How much I like myself You clap for yourself

Yay to me Have you ever given yourself A standing O? What's A standing orgasm? I mean I usually Am laying down Most of the time

Oh try standing Standing up for an orgasm? Yeah Cause all the blood's Rushing down You're on your feet And so it's I don't know

So the blood goes To your feet? Yeah it goes to your feet and then the heart brings it back up. So it does like kind of a roller coaster. It's like a loop. It's a loop of blood and it really enhances whatever you do.

I don't believe you orgasm. You said you did, but I don't believe that's what you do. Yes, I have. I think you do something else. What do you think? I don't know, a seizure or- I just lock up?

Well, I'm not there, but I believe that's probably what happens with you. Just looking at you, you look like more of a seizure guy than an orgasm guy. So I get an erection, I get close, and right before I ejaculate, I have a seizure. I don't think I said you get an erection. I don't know that you can. I don't get an erection? I don't know that you can uh i know what's your secret devry you went to devry yeah took a erection night school course three years got my diploma on the wall at home why not four

years pink uh i decided to tuck out i wanted to get out into the world And erect and uh You know some people stay the course And they're like I need another year and I was like I think I'm ready to get out there And be erect and just Take on the world And if you want to go it's up in Bakersfield

I don't want to go Maybe you should you ever think about having kids Or anything You're drinking a cactus cooler who are you talking to It's up in Bakersfield. I don't want to go. Maybe you should. You ever think about having kids or anything? I've got, I've got, you're drinking a cactus cooler. Who are you talking to? Excuse me? You brought a cactus cooler into my studio? Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are, Sarah Silverman? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is the notorious, the nefarious the uh negligent the nuisance the uh uh there was another n word um whoa guy what i'm just naming good ends whoa whoa i'm naming a bunch of good ends how about nostradamus one of the very first vampires the notable nostradamus Harlan Williams Thank you Thank you so much for being here Comedian

Actor Poet And a gentleman And you came up to me in the hallway Of the Comedy Store last week And what did you say to me? Well it's just It was the holidays

And I asked you If you and your wife Got the box of caramels It's caramel Well It pissed me off When you said it then It pissed me off right again

Well next year I'm sending you Chocolates So So if you're not happy With the caramels It's caramel And chocolate

It's always been that No one says chocolat You know what else I took at DeVry What A linguistics And languages course And I learned how to

Say things properly It's caramel And chocolat No What did you really Go to college Excuse you Languages course, and I learned how to say things properly. It's caramel and chocolate. No. Where did you really go to college? Excuse you? God, dude. Where did you really go to college?

Did you go to college? I did go to college. Where did you go? I went to a place called Sheridan College. Boo. Right? That's right. I studied ghosts.

Yeah. How did you know that? Sheridan College in where? Where was it? It was in Oakville, Ontario in Canada. Shout out to Canada. Just outside of Toronto. Yeah.

What a place Toronto, huh? Yeah. Unbelievable. Culture, race, what? I said unbelievable. Unbelievable. We're not going to do this the whole episode. You got to know that you got to say stuff right on my show Dude, I think we let our listeners decide

Or our viewers decide who's speaking Right here Alright, see that proves that Scam foot, okay Wait, what was that last? Well now that's right That's right Sick I know that's right. That's right.

Sick. I know that's right. Well, now that's right. I love that. That's not why. Yeah. That's right. Cajun.

That comes from Cajun. Is that Cajun? Mm-hmm. Have you ever been down to Louisiana? I sure have. New Orleans? Yeah, yeah. What'd you eat down there? I had crawdads.

Love crawdads. Peppered pumpkin flaps. Any craw moms? No, no, that's been outlawed. Oh, it's illegal now? Yeah, it's illegal to eat the mothers because they have the eggs. And it's like lobster. You can't eat female lobsters.

Got to eat the crawdads. Got to eat the crawdads. That's how my tooth got chipped by that. You see the tooth that's chipped right there? Are you cereal? What happened? I'm down in Fruit, I'm Fruit Looping. Yeah.

Are you cereal? What happened? I'm down in Fruit I'm Fruit Looping Yeah Down in New Orleans For my buddy's Bachelor

Bachelor party Yeah Yeah And I was on Psychedelics And I bit into a crawfish Shell And it cracked my tooth

I'm not kidding I'm actually being serious And then the next morning We went to go get Po' boy sandwiches. Yeah. And the dude standing there was this like super muscly, good looking black dude. And he's staring at me and I kept playing with my tooth.

Because if you ever chipped a tooth or anything, you can't stop touching or playing with it. You're like, how bad is it? Is it really bad? Does everybody see it? Yeah. And I kept touching with my my tongue and he goes i was tongue in that shit and he goes uh what's wrong with your tooth man what are you doing and i was like oh i chipped it i was on mushrooms i chipped it eating crawfish i was a

crawfish shell that was so dumb and he goes yeah that's new orleans so it validated that's what happens in new orleans yeah that's new orleans yeah that's what he said that yeah, that's New Orleans. Wow. So it validated. That's what happens in New Orleans. Yeah, that's New Orleans. That's what he said. Yeah, now that's right. That's New Orleans. Yeah, because crawdads are about yay big. They're yo big.

Yeah, they're yo big. And you'll take it to that. But I broke my lower jaw eating a lobster. They're about this big and I bit into the shell. And this is a fake right here. This is a synthetic. This part, the left part. The whole jaw snapped.

Wow. Just snapped. Like I got like punched and had to replace my jaw from, I was at Red Lobster for a crab fest. And you know, you go to celebrate something and you don't think you're going to lose a side of your mouth. You don't. And it's tough

But now you do statistically I would think I'd lose a side of my mouth Because I do know someone that's happened to You know it's kind of like somebody goes Do you know anybody that's died in a car accident For not wearing a seatbelt And you're like I don't know But if you do then you go it could happen to you I know somebody

Now I have a good friend that lost half of his jaw At a crab fest eating lobster Well I also know someone It could happen to you. Yeah. I know somebody. Now I have a good friend that lost half of his jaw. Yeah. At Crab Fest eating lobster, red lobster. Well, I also know someone that you just brought this up that lost their life because someone wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Who? Well, I was driving my dad to the pharmacy to pick up some gels and stuff and somebody else crashed, but they weren't wearing their seatbelt and they flew out their front window.

No. Across the intersection, came in the window, hit my dad and killed him. And killed your father? Killed my dad. They flew right across the whole intersection. And if they had been wearing their seatbelt, my father would be alive today.

But did your dad, was he wearing a seatbelt? He was. So seatbelts kill people, see? That's the problem. If your dad wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he probably could have avoided it. Well, I think there's an element you're missing though. It's not seatbelts kill people, antlers kill people. This idiot who flew through the air had, for some reason, had antlers.

Oh, well, this is up in Canada. Yeah, like elk and the antlers went right through my, this is up in Canada. Yeah, like elk. And the antlers went right through my, if it was just the guy with the normal head. It would have been fine. Would have been okay, but the antlers are what really pinned them right through the seat. What kind of car? Ironically, a Mustang, which is a hoofed animal. I know it. And so are reindeer and elk and moose.

But you mentioned crawdads and po-boys. And I'm getting a real like male running theme here. Like is there anything with the word girl in it you might have put in your mouth? Or it's always boy or dad? Most things I put in my mouth are boy related. How was growing up in Canada? It was tough. It was tough.

I went to a boarding school, and I didn't know if I'd make it through. It was a tough environment. Were you a smartass? I was a bit of a smartass, yeah. When the teachers would be like, Harlan, cut it out. Would you hear that a lot? Not really, because I was a sneaky smartass. I wasn't the class clown that broadcasted my humor.

I'd wait till the teacher turned around or I'd shoot something under my breath. And so I was kind of the covert clown. Do you remember the first time that you like ripped a room when you were young that you made a bunch of people laugh? I do. What was it? It was at a movie theater i was in high school and we went to see this movie called have you checked the children or stranger in the house have you ever seen that movie the two remarkably different titles sorry

it's it's it have you checked the children line from the movie have you checked the children the the movie's called stranger in the House or something. Or maybe it is called Check the... But anyways. Let me find out why you're saying this. Yeah. I think it's called Stranger in the House. Sounds like it's more of a film name.

But it was a movie that came out in the 70s when I was in high school. Okay. And we went to the Saturday night matinee And it was packed It was sold out Slammed Stranger in the house Stranger in the house And it was slammed

It was like sold out And that was 70s People went to the movies You know we didn't have all this stuff we have now And it was packed And I was with about 15 of my high school Like buddies, girls, guys A whole group of us went And we were all sitting together I was with about 15 of my high school buddies, girls, guys.

A whole group of us went, and we were all sitting together. And sitting surrounded by them, I felt empowered. So here's this horror movie, and every time someone was just about to go through a door or someone was about to jump out, I'd yell out a line thinking, oh, the crowd's going to hate me. I'm ruining. And the first time I did it, the whole theater just blew up laughing. Like I don't even remember what I did, but I remember feeling, I just made 300 people laugh in unison and it filled me up with this kind of power and this energy.

And so I kind of kept doing it throughout the whole movie and, and it just, every single line just destroyed. And I turned this scary movie into like one of the best comedies of the season and nobody got mad. Like, I think they got to the point where I could feel they're almost waiting for me to yell a comment. And, and they weren't just, they were somehow perfectly timed and they fit. And so that was the first time I really felt empowered by the power of laughter. Do you know the kind of stuff you were saying back then? Do you remember at all what it was? I don't remember.

It was a running commentary on what I was seeing on the screen. You were the original Mystery Science Theater. That could be right. That stole it from you. Maybe. And those are Canadian guys, weren't they, that started it? I don't know. Was that not an SCTV guy's thing?

No. No, no. But that was guys just kind of sitting there talking. I was yelling out. I was screaming. Yeah. Like I had to project. We were kind of three quarters of the way up,

so I needed the whole, so I would yell it out and I was nervous as hell. But when they went with me, I was just like, wow. And then I started thinking, if I can make a dark theater full of complete strangers break up laughing, I think that's when the seed started to happen. Yeah.

What's your very first gig? I want to know. Stand up gig? happen. Yeah. What's your very first gig? I want to know. Stand-up gig? Yeah. Wow. Well, first of all, before I answer, I'm going to say I don't appreciate what's happening here, the ambush journalism. I'm not doing a journalistic thing. I don't know.

I feel like you're ambushing me. Well, this is pointed and named, by the way. Everything here is very angled, so there's a reason for all of it. I know, but I really feel a little bit violated and ambushed, but I'm going to answer. Mm-hmm. You wanted it that way. Mm-hmm.

Player, please. My first gig ever was in Toronto, Canada, at the only comedy club in the city. Yuck Yucks. Yuck Yucks in the early 80s. And it was one of these things where you had to go on amateur night on Monday night. You got to do five minutes.

And the way they did it is to get on stage, you had to phone. And this is back in the days of rotary phones where there was no redial button. I love those. Right. So it was like. So you'd, there'd be like all kinds of people phoning in the first 15 people through would get five minutes on stage

what a nightmare so for the first four months i wanted to do it and by the time i you know i'd be on the phone for it i'd literally have a sore finger. And at the end of it, I'd finally, after like an hour and a half, they'd, hello, yuck, yucks. I go, yeah, no, we're all, we've already got 15. So it took me four months to finally like get them to, I got them to pick up on time. And I got my first, my first like amateur night thing. And I went down and I was nervous as hell, but I was as excited as hell and

they put me up first. I was the first guy. Oh my God. Cold? Cold. No, they had an MC. Oh, they have an MC. Who was like one of the seasoned, at this time there was only about 12 guys in all of

Canada who were, you know, top level headliners because there's nowhere to work. So it was a very obscure career. Yeah. When I got in, I thought I would be a real anomaly, like a real, who the hell does this? I thought it'd be, you know, one of 12 people in Canada doing this job. And so I had to go up first.

I was terrified, but I remember I was, I was so pumped up full of energy and adrenaline that I just walked up to the mic and I grabbed it and I just went like that. Like, and the people in the front row and like that, I didn't realize how loud, cause I'd never been on a mic before. Right. And then, uh, I went to kind of calm down and then I did my, I did my five minute, five minutes of fat mother jokes. Was your mom fat? Yeah. I had to tell her.

I had to phone her and say, hey, listen, I'm doing this thing. I need you to know I'm not taking a jab at you, but my whole theory was everyone understood fat mother jokes and they're pretty easy to write. Yeah. And my methodology was just get up there do funny quick fat mother jokes but use your first year just to learn how to be on the stage right learn how to feel the lights learn how to feel the audience learn how to feel the energy so i really wasn't up there the first year

trying to be a comedian i was but it was more of a deeper plan to try and learn how it felt. To be the comedian. To be the comedian and know what to give and take doing a show was. Give me a fat mother joke. Oh, God, I used to do a joke where I'd say, my mother was so fat she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Which is not true. Is that true? Well, I don't know.

Did she ever do that? Maybe. How big ever do that? Maybe. How big was your mom? She wasn't like a monster, but she was. It's funny because my mom was like stunning as a young woman. She was just beautiful. Like looked like Marilyn Monroe, but with dark hair. Like just gorgeous.

So not Marilyn Monroe. No, no. And then as she got older, she had five kids, and then she put on a little weight, but she's still a beautiful woman. But she got a little heavier. So I had to tell her, I had to take her aside and say, hey, this isn't aimed at you. I'm just using this as a vessel to kind of get to my ultimate. What did she say? She understood.

She was cool. I think she was a little bit hurt who wouldn't be yeah it's a little mean what you would do is make fun of someone that isn't fat and call them fat not someone that is kind of fat yeah i know well you learn later like was your dad fat no see then then you would have been like my dad is so fucking fat then it's funny again i know but fat mothers always seem to get bigger laughs yeah it is because it's very like a because like you know like if um someone said like the old cow you know what i mean yeah yeah and back then in the 70s it was a staple of like late night talks like johnny

carson there'd always be a few jokes about shelly winters or whoever the fat actress was at the time right they'd always get two or three of them in every monologue. So I'd smack around a couple of fat actors. A couple of chubbies had to get flabbed around. And so, you know, it's just like. That was kind of this, that was just the times. But once you figured out the rhythm of standup and all that stuff, because now I want to say as much fun as we have,

you and I joking around when you are on stage and you are playing around, I know a lot of your stuff does come from improvisational stuff. Did you learn that quick or did that come way later? Uh, it came. Cause I would say you're a great joke writer, but you, I see you do fun improv shit all the time.

Like I know that you're fucking around. Yeah. I don't know if they know. Yeah. But I can tell. Yeah. But I love it so much. But I'm like, is that, is that a thing you learned later in life?

Or did you knew that when you were young? I knew I wanted to do that when I started. Cause some guys are to the book. You know, we know guys that never deviate. Never deviate. Ever, ever, ever. And you like to fucking play, but it feels like you've been doing it for a long time. I have.

That was always my plan. As I said, I went up initially to learn how to manipulate the stage and the crowd and the energy. the energy because I knew in the long run, I wanted to be a guy that could walk out, not do my act and just talk to a room full of strangers off out of the cuff, like out of nowhere and see if I can make them laugh. To me personally, that was the true test of pure funny. Yeah. Because there's no net, there's no pre-written stuff, there's no formulated thought. It's just like, here we go, open the door and- Jump out.

You're on. And it's like, you got to land on your feet. So I liked pushing myself like that. But for the first few years, I couldn't even look at the crowd. I would walk out and literally stare into the lights and try and blind myself and just do my material. It was scary, but- I used to do that. I used to black out at the comedy store. I would look at the lights and try and blind myself and just do my material it was scary but i used to do that i used to black out at the comedy store i would look at the lights as long as i could

to not look down at their faces yeah but the store was always so daunting the open mics and stuff there were so mean because they were they well because those people knew they were going to get a real show later oh yeah so they they wrote you off before you even if you could be funny they didn't give a fuck they didn't want to hear your bullshit because they got tickets and they got there early for the mic but they knew that the showcase is coming in a couple of comics oh wait so you grew up in la no no no in chicago but when i started out here oh you did i wanted to sink or swim baby and look at me i'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean oh yeah nice try corky corky don't sink corky does corky corky float corky float yeah when you said you used to dial like that do you remember did you ever dial radio stations or no

no you never did that i used to call for tickets for stuff all the concert tickets i used to love i couldn't be bothered you were never a teenage girl? I was a teenage girl for a couple of years. No, I never did that, man. Give me the most embarrassing band that you listen to, because I'll tell you mine right now. I've been listening to it a lot. Like, band that I listen to now? Yeah, what do you listen to now that you kind of don't like that people would know,

but you're like, fuck, I love it, but it's not good. It's funny. I don't have any shame like that like i i listened to wham last christmas i gave you my heart all year long like like i'll be wailing down hollywood boulevard going to the gym and i'll blast it on purpose just uh because it's such a catchy tune it is good last christmas i gave you my heart. And the very next day, you took it away. Or gave it away? Gave it away. Gave it away.

I'm sorry. I fucked that up. Well, thanks for wrecking my song. Sorry, Wham. Yeah. I've been listening to Dave Matthews' band again. Oh, yeah. It's not embarrassing.

I just don't, I never really fell in love with that stuff, that kind of music. Yeah. And then a song came on the other day, and I was a little down. It really was sweet. It was just a sweet song. Yeah, I don't know one thing about him. I just knew he was huge. To the sound of an old hand.

It all sounds like that a little bit. It does? Yeah. You got to hear that old song, and you got to do it in your hand. Yeah. It kind of has this like, I don't know, not country, but like, yeah, maybe like an old- Indie country. Indie country bluegrass vibe.

Yeah. Vibey thing. So I didn't know anything about this guy. Dave. Dave Matthews. And then I shot a movie called Becoming Winn-Dixie, which we shot in New Orleans. New Orleans. Caramel.

Go ahead. And so I've done all these movies. My sisters, I have four sisters, blah, blah, whatever. And when I told them I was doing a movie with Dave Matthews, it's the only time one of my sisters said, oh, will you get an autograph? And then he took me on his tour bus. Oh, wow.

Did you get an autograph for one of your sisters? I did. He even did a little doodle for her. What is it? What did he doodle? He did a little like stick man type of thing. Yeah. He went above and beyond.

Probably like his symbol. They have like a little symbol, a fire dancer thing. That's like their symbol, I think. No, it wasn't satanic. It was really sweet and nice. No, it's a fire dancer. Is there a symbol? That's Satan stuff. Well, so what?

What are you, Christian? What's wrong with you? No, I just don't want to come in and do an interview and have someone throw their demon seed all over me. I'm not a Satanist. I just think he's got some good ideas. I feel there's evil here all of a sudden. You do?

Yeah. And the way you're looking at me, I sense demon seed. You do? See? What? That's my regular face. I'm alive. That's what a demon seed does.

Is that what your demon sounds like? I'm alive. Why is he alive? Well, there was an old movie in the 70s called Demon Seed. Really? It was about these people that make love and create a baby a devil baby and the only line it has in the old movie it goes i'm alive and then the movie's over oh i love that line yeah who has a better demon voice let's hear yours give give me a good

line not i'm alive give me a good demon. Okay. How sweet. Fresh meat. Fuck, that's really good. Let me see if I can top that. In here, we pour whiskey. The NFL playoffs are here, baby. I'm so excited. And DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner in the NFL, is kicking things off with a huge offer. Counting down to Super Bowl 56, new customers can get 56 to 1 odds.

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Get yourself fixed up. Download that sportsbook app, DraftKings, right now. Ginger. I like gingers. Do you have any extra bags? We forgot to bring our own.

That's a demon that like Trader Joe's that forgot to bring his bags. It sounded a little Shakespearean. That's a demon at like Trader Joe's that forgot to bring its bags. It sounded a little Shakespearean. There's a little British lilt on it, and that really takes the horror out of it. So if there's demons in purgatory, but you did not make it down to the lower strata. You were nowhere near the fiery brimstone. That is going to be me, right in purgatory. Yeah.

This is my impression. At best, you're a purgatory demon. This is my impression of a demon who just won't valet. He just won't. Because he's just, it's not money. It's principle. Okay. You know what I mean?

Yeah. He should, but he's like, I don't want someone driving my car. And we can find a spot. Okay? Yeah. Here we go. No. We can find a spot. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. No, we're going to keep circulating the block until someone leaves. Oh, are you, are you leaving?

No. Son of a bitch. How was that? Well, when you play this back, you're going to see, and you have to play it back backwards, as you know. Yeah. You said circulating the block. Yeah. back you're gonna see and you have to play it back backwards as you know yeah you said circulating the block yeah what you wanted to say was circling we're gonna keep circling the block no circulating no circulating means circulation you see satan's at work right now throwing you

off the devil the demon seed in this room made you say it wrong i think so to fry is waiting for you imagine if they had demon commercials that came on late at night do you believe in the devil you look like a hundred percent yeah how could? I know. If you believe in something good, you got to have something bad down there. Without darkness, there can be no light. And without light, you need light. Without light, you need. There would be no General Electric. And without General Electric, there would be no rice.

Rice. Why do we have rice? Because it's brown and white. Why not black? Why isn't there black rice? There is. Have you ever had wild rice? There's some black pieces in there, but it's mostly...

And what are the black pieces? They're rice. So what does that make them? It's not dominatory black. Black rice. Why do you want to cut out the blacks? I don't. I like black rice.

Whoa, bro. I like black rice. Yeah, but now you're saying there's no black rice? There's not enough. Okay, that's... As far as my money's concerned, there should be way more black rice on the market. Everybody says you want brown or white.

It's like, what about black? Okay. What about black rice? the market everybody says you want brown or white it's like what about black okay what about black rice black rice you know where wild rice comes from i'm guessing you don't just looking in your googly eyes over there thailand no where a lot of it comes from north america from the marshes of North America. Lie. The natives go along in their canoes and they actually bash it. And it grows out of the water in shallow marshes. And they bash it right into the basin of the canoe. They hit it so hard.

What's that for? That knocks it out of its husk. And I know you know that word, husk. Yeah. And they collect it in the canoes. And that's why it's a little more expensive. It's a bit precarious to harvest, if you know what those two words are.

I don't. Okay. But I'm guessing it's hard to get, is what you were trying to say. Bingo. Yeah, that makes sense. This movie with Dave Matthews, he was in it as a musician or in it as an actor?

He was in it as an actor, but there's a scene where he sang us a song, too. It's a really charming movie. Have you seen it? Absolutely not. when dixie it's based on a really um famous children's book and the other woman in it which was amazing i forget her name and i feel horrible but she was the co-star the beautiful woman co-star to marlon brando on on the waterfront oh my god uh um the blonde lady she she was she was obviously a senior by this time but but that that's the closest the six degrees of separation i think that's the closest i've been to do you have six degrees of kevin bacon could you do it somebody did it for me once because you've been in enough movies where i

think we could do it i did it someone did it for me once six degrees you've been in enough movies where I think we could do it. I did it someone did it for me once Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon to see if there was any connection and by the time they finished I woke up in the Motel 6 in Bakersfield and he was laying beside me. Yeah that's what the game is. I know and I was like totally surprised. I don't know that I'll ever play the game

again. You want to play it right now? I really don't. I don't I didn't like waking up beside him uh his hair was spiked up he looked like eddie from iron maiden i you know the lights were low normally the hotel sex leaves the light on for you but i guess we had some wiring issues and kevin bacon in the moonlight with that hair and those sunken in cheeks. It looked like Eddie from the cover of Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden. Iron.

Wow. It's not iron. How could it be? How even could it be iron? One of us in this room, Demon Seed, took four years of linguistics and language. It's me. You took three, first of all. I took four because there was a freshen up course.

You son of a. I took four because there was a freshen up course. You wake up in Kevin Bacon's porky arms. Doesn't he look like Eddie from Iron Maiden though? Iron Maiden. God damn it. Yeah, he does look like Eddie from Iron Maiden. That is what Kevin Bacon, that's who Kevin Bacon really is. Yeah. His daughter's a famous actress now too.

Are you doing what? Are you serious? Saucy Bacon. Pork Chop Sally? Saucy Bacon. Saucy Bacon. Saucy Bacon. Saucy Bacon.

Saucy Bacon. If she went to Taiwan, she'd be eaten alive. Saucy Bacon. She'd be cannibalized. Bacon, Bacon. Oh, look at the Saucy Bacon. They just, you ever see a school of piranha? She came off the plane, they just like.

They'd eat her alive. Eat her, you'd just see it. By the time she got to the terminal, it'd be a human skeleton just walking. What is that? I was acting. Why can't I act? Is this how you act? When's it my turn to act?

I mean, I want you to. Are you doing acting right now? Okay, say rah, say rah. Uh-uh. I'm not telling. Are you doing acting right now? Que sera, sera. Uh-uh. I'm not telling. I do have something coming up. Do you really? Yeah.

You have something coming out or something you're going to film? Something coming out. What's the worst thing you ever did, acting-wise? Because I can tell you. Oh, really? I'd like to hear what you think. No, I have no idea. Oh. Because I can tell you Oh really? I'd like to hear what you think No, I have no idea Oh

The worst thing I did Acting wise No disrespect to the people Who put it together Because it's a lot of work Whether you're doing an indie movie Or a 20 million dollar budget movie Just say it

I did a movie that didn't come out real well Called Surf School Surf School Who was in it? movie just say it i did a movie that didn't come out real well called surf school surf school who was in it i i was probably i wasn't the lead but i was probably had the most notoriety out of anyone in it surf school i want to look it up and uh it was basically one of these teen rom-com movies where it was a bunch of kids on a beach going to school and yeah i was the i was the old grizzled ex-surf champion who lived in a hut on the beach and all the kids at surf school looked up to me as the kind of surfer guru that's awesome well it was awesome because here's where they got me. We shot in Costa Rica on a beach with all kinds of beautiful girls in bikinis.

Yeah. It was fun. It was a great time, but unfortunately it was a low budget movie. It didn't come out great. So that was probably. What do you think it got on Metacritic score out of 10? Does Metacritic go all the way down into Satan's hell?

It sure does Then I'm going to say minus 3,251,000,000 This says 2.2 out of 10, not bad No, that 2.2 is not good That's good Yeah I'll tell you who was in this Cisco

Cisco, the thong song guy That thong, the thong, thong, thong Did you hang out with Cisco? I did a little, yeah Is he cool? Yeah, he was a nice guy. That thong, the thong, thong, thong. Did you hang out with Cisco? I did a little, yeah. Is he cool? Yeah, he was a nice guy, definitely. Good actor? You know, for standing on a beach and going, hey, there's a wave.

Yeah, he was fine. Everyone was fine. Did Cisco surf in the movie? No. There were a couple of guys that actually surfed, which was cool. You don't know how to surf, do you? I've done it a few times, but no, I'm not a qualified surfer. I'm really horrible.

Another standup comic that was in this. Yeah, Taylor Negron. Tyler Negron. Taylor Negron. It's Negron. Negron. He was the pizza delivery guy in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He passed away.

I know. I remember that. That was a big deal. Yeah, he was the pizza delivery guy in Mr. Hand's class, correct? That's right. He brought the pizza to the door. He brought the pizza into Sean Penn.

Yeah. Mr. Hand. Yeah. Well, if this is your time and this is my time, doesn't that make it our time? It's a great fucking movie. So that was the worst thing you did.

I mean, technically, it probably came was the worst thing you did I mean technically It probably came out the worst I think Well Joel Silverman who wrote it I'm going to tell him that you didn't enjoy working with him on his picture He directed it too He was super nice

He was a great guy It was rushed Some things don't come together Some things don't come together They Yeah, it just didn't come together great. Some things don't come together. They're making a How I Met Your Father. You know the show How I Met Your Mother? They're making How I Met Your Father.

I did the original pilot for CBS. It was so fucking bad. They buried it. I mean, it's all over the internet now, but that was the worst thing I've ever done. Oh, wow. It was so bad. But it never got seen by anybody. Oh, it got seen by a lot of people.

It got leaked and people saw it, but I mean, went to air okay so that's what we talked so badly about it because it was so bad it was but now they're doing it again with like hillary duff hillary duff isn't she like 50 now isn't it hillary duff yeah hillary duff hillary hillary duff no no thanks she's young i think she's young. I thought she was old. Wasn't she like pre like Miley Cyrus? The child, I think they start them so young that you think they're older now, but they're not. Paris Hilton's only 19.

Are you serial? Yeah, she got famous when she was like five. Holy God. That's hot. When she was doing that, she was like seven. She looked older for sure, because you know they do that. They age you up in Hollywood. Paris Hilton.

I wonder if there's like a Carol Motel 6 anywhere. Like imagine if you were born into that family. Yeah. Like Paris Hilton Hotel, you know. Huge. She's an heiress to the Hilton Hotel chains. Well, you know the comic. You know Stephen Marriott.

You know who that is, don't you? Stephen Marriott. That's his dad is. Are you serious? Mark Marriott, yeah. Oh my God. don't you? Stephen Marriott. That's his dad. Are you serious? Mark Marriott, yeah. Oh, my God, because one of my best buddies is Donnie Ramada Inn, and we like, I don't care if you're going to laugh at my friends. You add the inn.

It's just Donnie Ramada. No, his name is Donnie Ramada Inn. Oh, are you serious? It's like Anthony Michael Hall or William H. Macy. It's, wow, bro, laughing at my friends. I'm sorry, bro. I think Donnie Ramada is a good guy. Ramada Inn is his full name.

I only say first and middles. Oh, God. Harlan Michael. Wow. What is your middle name? What is it, you son of a bitch? Don't. It's very, you've probably never heard it

Felch No Harland Felch Williams No It's Reeser R-E-E-S-O-R Fuck off No thanks I'm busy

Alright we'll come back and fuck off later What time? Seven or eight I can do an eight o'clock fuck off Reeser? What is that even What is that? What's that from?

It's actually a family name It's It goes through like my it's my dad's it's my grandfather's it went through a whole line of uh they're a bunch of early settlers up in ohio and pennsylvania and uh southern ontario farmers and stuff the research the research there's a big clan of them yeah don't say clan but she said you don't want to be's a big clan of them, yeah. Don't say clan. That's what she said. You don't want to be associated with a clan of white people. No, I don't mean it like that. Good night, Nelly Furtado. When did you get out of the white nationalist party?

Oh, God. That would probably be. You were in it for so long. Yeah, 73. 73. Is it weird that January 6th Just passed The insurrection The anniversary Because I know you were there

With a bunch of buds What's the insurrection Mm-hmm I don't even Bang dom I honestly You stormed the Capitol I saw you all over

The fucking news Oh that thing Yeah yeah Oh god yeah That was wild Nuts huh Well I don't know It's that's

I don't know what that was You guys were nuts When you That's nuts that you did that That I did that yeah Well, I don't know. I don't know what that was. You guys were nuts when you, that's that you did that. I did that, yeah. Didn't they, weren't they wearing like, I didn't actually see it, but weren't they wearing Viking hats? One guy was wearing like Viking bullhorn and had an American flag. He was genuinely the cartoon that you wish was doing that. That's why he was so internetable because it didn't look like a real guy. It looked like just a fake costume.

Yeah, well, he looks like somebody built him to go do that. He doesn't look like a real idiot renegade. He looked kind of like a cartoon version of someone you'd draw that would storm the Capitol online. He looked to me like if I wore a rabbit costume to bed and took a boat to the island of where the wild things are, he'd be standing there. The first guy you'd see. He'd be one of the wild things.

Yeah. Did you ever dream like that about the wild things when you were a kid? I didn't dream like that, but that was my first children's book. Where the wild things are. Where the wild things are. I remember reading that and wishing I could go to that location. Which was funny because as a kid, you'd think you'd be scared of those big animals, even though they were friendly. Yeah.

But for some reason, it tricked you into thinking, that's the safest place on earth. Yeah. I actually was a little bit intimidated. They were a bit scary. I liked them, but I don't know if I trusted them. That's exactly the whole nature of the film and the books that's what it's all about because as a kid you you kind of intrinsically are wired in your dna to not necessarily trust something with big dripping fangs and big yellow eyes and claws and yeah that's why i have a thing about armenians still today are you cereal yeah

because the hairy thing when i was a, I didn't like hairy things. I see Armenian guys in my neighborhood. It's so hairy. Oh, I just carried a pick in my hair. I kept a pick in my hair. And if I got attacked, I would just, you know, brush them out. Oh, you'd brush them out. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah. Well, you know, to each their own. Yeah. As it were. Oh, cute. The way you say that, cute are you doing touring are you touring you're not touring are you uh yeah i'm just starting up i'm gonna be starting up are you

really gonna go on the road yeah i'm gonna do a little yeah it's not as much as it used to be because of covid but um i got a few dates the omicron tour yeah I got a few dates on the books. You didn't get COVID, did you? No, did you? Yeah. No. I did. How? Where? Why?

I play tackle football at Pan Pacific Park. Skins and skins. Are you choking up, bro? Mm-hmm. I know COVID's emotional. Take a minute, bro. I'm sorry. I play tackle football at Pan Pacific Park. Skins and skins.

Oh, so no shirt on? No shirt, no pants. Skins versus Skins v. Skins. You got to wear undies. And every time we tackle, we have to do what's called a latent scrum. Okay. Which means you have to lay there and roll around with whoever tackled you for about five or seven minutes. Oh, my God.

Then whoever is tired first has to kiss the other one on the, on the lips and then you get back up and you're back in the game. That's probably how I got it. You know, is your, is this stadium up on the top of Brokeback Mountain by any chance? I think it's, I think so. I think it's on the, I think it's on the other

side. So probably on the backside of Brokeback Mountain to be honest with you. Wow, that's like almost like Pink Floyd's the dark side of the moon. Did you ever watch that with The Wizard of Oz? Did you ever do that bullshit? No. Do you know what I'm talking about, right?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I did it in high school. Did it make sense? Oh, you were stoned. For people that don't know what we're talking about, people used to do this thing where you'd watch Wizard of Oz and they'd queue it up with Pink Floyd, and apparently it would be perfectly timed the

soundtrack would be perfectly timed to the film but you're so stoned you're looking for it to be timed well yeah so i think rhythmically because a film is cut kind of in the way that music is composed right there's a rhythm to it is you're right so i think you're looking for it. I did. I used to watch Bambi to Black Sabbath's Paranoid album. Oh, such a good album. Yeah, and it really kind of popped the movie to life. Did it sink? It synced real well. It synced real well.

I used to watch Terminator, and I would turn off the volume on Terminator, but just turn on Iron Maiden albums the whole time. Oh, sweet. Because I love Iron Maiden. Oh, what a dream treat. I watched Philadelphia to Barry Manilow's Copacabana album once. So good. Yeah.

So good. One time I watched Schindler's List. Okay. And I turned it off and I just turned on B-52's entire album. Oh, God. What a dream treat. There he is. Oh, go get the juice. Yeah, that's. Whoa, God. What a dream treat. There he is! Go get the juice!

Whoa! Listen to you! That's exactly how he sounds. Wow. In here, we pour whiskey. The winter is here. The winter is here, my friends. You've got to upgrade your daily routine with Bespoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of must-have

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That's boxofawesome.com. That code WHISKEY for 20% off your first monthly box. Ginger. I like gingers. That guy was so... god not to i don't want to be mean to him but boy oh boy did i fucking hate those songs when i heard them for some reason you did i hated that my mom loved 80s music yeah like loved it my dad loves soul which is where i got into soul and and that's why i liked hip-hop a lot because they stole all the samples i would listen in hip-hop i was like this is from albums my dad has yeah it was so

weird like listen to it hear it and go oh that's a sample from a song i know from a soul music artist what kind of soul like marvin gaye and well yeah yeah yeah but do you know carolina beach music is no but i mean No But I mean you do The same kind of takings were passed through To like Sam Cooke And You know like Sam Cooke you sat up real abrupt No no I just was

Taken aback Carolina Beach music hit me Carolina Beach music is kind of like Yeah it's got The same kind of touchings of soul and a little bit of funk in it. But my dad loved that shit, like was obsessed with it. Like James Brown is like the greatest. My dad thinks James Brown is like the greatest thing of all time.

My dad thinks James Brown's like the greatest thing of all time. But I would listen to that stuff and I loved it. And I never connected with my mom on most stuff until she got into like, like I like Clapton and stuff like that. Like she got into that stuff later. Yeah. But when she liked 80s music. Yeah.

Boy, oh boy, did I hate 80s music. B-52s were terrible. Stuff like that was just like. Did it cause a rift between you and your mother? If it was like poppy and it was like, we're the love jags. I didn't like that. Right, right. Yeah, my parents used to fist fight,

Saturday night fist fight at the Santino house. Are you serial? Yeah, and whoever won got to play music for the rest of the night. Was your mom a good fighter? Undefeated. Oh, wow. We never got to hear soul at the house.

Wow. Had to listen to in the garage wow wow your mom irish irish yeah irish my dad was my dad my my biological father's italian yeah that's why your mom won sicilian yeah yeah yeah that's why your mom won well yeah he had her killed years later he put a hit on her How? Well This is You're not gonna believe this but I will

He was driving in a car In In uh In Ontario, Canada Oddly enough Oh boy I don't like where this is going But keep going

I And he asked her to not wear Seatbelts Oh And he purposely careened into Opposite traffic Sending my mother And himself through the front windshield. What was on your father's, or your mother's, your father's head?

Or whoever died, what were they? Well, they both did. They both went through. Were they wearing anything on their head, like any kind of hat or headgear? Yeah, it had antlers on it. Why? How do you know that? Are you shitting me, bro?

Remember earlier I told you my dad was killed in ontario canada what he was wearing a seat belt and he can there was a car accident yeah and someone flew through their front window through the air they happen to be wearing a rack of antlers a nice rack yeah elk or deer or something. Boom. Double D rack. Right through the chest. Wow. This was your. That was my parents. Murder, suicide.

Are you serial? This can't be. Let's say the year at the exact same time. So let's find out. Ready? One, two, three. 1973. Holy shit.

Holy clambake. That's nuts. Wow. That's peanuts and Linus. Wow. That's it. That's it, Snoopy snoopy we found it wow honey glaze my ham bro wow there's a uh there's an old irish saying that i want to bestow to you. Good. I like, I'm Irish.

I'm Irish. Yeah. But how much? My mother's name was O'Donnell, maiden name. Oh man. What's, wait,

but what's, what was your dad? That's just English. Williams, Welsh. Oh, so you're, you're that kind of British.

Yeah. My dad, well, my dad's side's like Welsh, German, Swedish, all that mix. And my mother's French,

Canadian, and Irish. Oh, French, Canadian. Yeah. When somebody says Welch on a bet, meaning you all that mix. And my mother's French, Canadian, and Irish. Oh, French, Canadian. Yeah. When somebody says Welch on a bet, meaning you've. Right. Is that because of the Welsh?

No, it's because of Welch's grape juice. They make a hundred percent pure grape juice with Concord grapes. Love it. And it's concentrated. It's really delicious, but that comes from that, from that. When somebody says you Welched on a bet, they're referring to grape juice. Grape juice, yeah. Not the people from Wales.

No, they're Welsh. Welching is if somebody doesn't pay you on a bet because they were drinking grape juice, but if someone Welsh is on a bet, then it's a Welsh person jipped you out of your winnings if you were making a bet. There's all kinds. That makes sense. Yeah. Then it's a Welsh person jipped you out of your winnings if you were making a bet. There's all kinds.

That makes sense. Yeah. Are you cereal right now? Are you at the store tonight? No, tomorrow. No, Friday. I like how you guys say tomorrow. Friday.

Friday. I say tomorrow. How did I say it? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah, and guys say tomorrow. Friday. Friday. I say tomorrow. How did I say it? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah, and I say tomorrow. With an A. Yeah, morrow.

Tomorrow. Get over there tomorrow, and you say tomorrow. You guys' accent on O's is beautiful. Well, morrow. Oat. Yeah, over. Morrow is, it brings us back to Twilight Zone But Marrow Love that show

Brings us back to It really makes me picture you Laying in a park late at night With a zebra or giraffe femur Cracking it open with your Fucking creepy crayfish teeth And eating the marrow out of it When you know when people get bone marrow at a restaurant

Yeah And they're like it's really good for you But it doesn't taste that good You've had it? You've never had bone marrow before? Are you crazy guy? Come to a steakhouse with me We'll get it together

What am I? Jeffrey Dahmer's grand sister? It's Jeffrey Dahmer Boy you have trouble with words guy I'm You should think about going back to school I'm an English minor Give me any word I can spell it

Okay How about conundrum Seriously Are you serial Conundrum Use it in a sentence Your teeth were cracked by a crayfish conundrum What's the root of origin please

Alex Haley He wrote the book Roots were cracked by a crayfish conundrum. What's the root of origin, please? Alex Haley. He wrote the book Roots. Conundrum. K. Anundrum. K, okay. Nice.

You're welcome. Pretty good. I thought I had you, but. No. Way to go. Can I give you a potato? Way to go, guy. Potato're welcome. Pretty good. I thought I had you, but. No. Way to go. Can I give you a potato? Way to go, guy. Potato, buddy.

That's a potato. Nux potato. Oh, are we taking a drink? Cilantro. Cheers to your conundrum. Well, we're not drinking today on the show. We're not drinking any of the brown liquid. I need to dry out a little bit too. You do?

Oh wait, do you drink every show? No, not every show Oh A lot of people that come on are sober I didn't know that I was kind of ruining a tradition You've done that multiple times I have You're not sober

What do you mean? As in you don't drink, you drink sometimes I drink every now and then But I've never never i haven't had much real hard alcohol ever scary i've had beers i've had wines and i had my first tequila three years ago and i've there's most hard liquors i've never even put in my mouth like rye and scotch and whiskey what was was the tequila? Did you like it? I didn't want it, but a friend of mine, I was

having a pool party and this guy just kept persisting. He's like, have one. And he'd been trying to get me to drink it for years. And I kept saying, no, no, no. And he just kept kind of, I said, give me a damn. And I finally had one and I actually kind of

enjoyed it. Was it just a shot of it? Was it? No, he made me like a glass. He made a margarita. Oh, margarita. And I actually was like, gee, this is actually kind of enjoyed it. Was it just a shot of it? No, he made me like a glass, he made a margarita. Oh, margarita. And I actually was like, gee, this is actually kind of fun. That's what you're missing out on. So now every now and then I'll have a margarita.

What could you have a specific kind of tequila that he gave you that he wanted you to try so bad? I don't remember, but I don't know anything about tequila. When I order one, I just say to the bartender, whatever's good. I don't know anything about tequila. I know how it's manufactured and made, but I don't know. How is it manufactured and made? Smarty pants.

It's from the guava plant. No. Yeah. Nope. Stuff I drink is. Oh, you get guava tequila? Yeah. With granola and mustard seed.

Brown mustard? Yellow. Only yellow, huh? Yeah. Same stuff stuff they make by the way uh cyanide and agent orange with so it has a kick mine has a kick it's got a jump on it it's got it gives you a kick like if you're feeling out of three this brings you up to about a four and a half 14 oh my god it rides you high that's way higher than thought. Daddy rides high when he's on the, yeah. Daddy rides high. You smoke marijuana?

You know, I'm not going to be a victim of ambush journalism. You smoke marijuana? And I'm not going to be pressured into these conversations or ambush journalism. I told myself when I came in, I'm not going to be manipulated by the big three. You smoke marijuana? Spell that in a sentence. Can you spell that first of all? Because I'm not going to talk about it.

SMOK marijuana. No. See, I won't have an ambush journalism conversation if you can't even spell it. I can spell it. It's laborious. L-A-B-O-R-O-U-S. Laborious. Laborious.

You know what laborious means? Yeah. It's to labor at something. Labor intensive. Yeah. Yeah. Something is laborious, right? Like let's name's to and labor it's something labor intensive yeah yeah something is laborious right like let's name stuff that's laborious uh lifting my fat mother lifting your fat mother is laborious by the way and this is she alive by the way no she passed all right p to your fat mom yeah yeah so i'm gonna switch it to Fat girl I had a one night stand with a fat girl

Are you being serious? Did you really? This is for real I'm serial And it was so bizarre Like this girl liked to eat When I peeled her underpants off Have you heard of the term

You've got ants in your pants? Yeah This girl had Aunt Jemima in her pants She liked to eat so much I peeled her underpants off A stack of buttermilk pancakes dropped out onto the floor Were they warm? Yeah

And buttered Fresh butter? Fresh butter I mean She had Aunt Jemima in her pants Well that's That sounds like a positive to me Doesn't it?

I mean Well what's not positive I said what's going on with you health wise in her pants. Well, that sounds like a positive to me, doesn't it? I mean. Well, what's not positive, I said, what's going on with you health-wise? And she was like, have you heard of Lyme disease? And I said, I sure have. And she said, well, I've got key Lyme pie disease. I was like, wow, Chubby, that's. You called her Chubby.

Yeah, I'm into pillow talk. I get that. I mean, I'm not I'm into pillow talk. I get that. I mean, I'm not gonna do pillow talk with Thunder Lumps. Thunder Lumps, was that a, is that like a surname? It's a pet, you know, sex thing, sex play. Sex play? You ever do, you ever heard of romance there, guy? Uh-uh. Okay, you might want to ratchet it up there, nacho.

I'm not gonna Well welcome to the Thunderdome Tina Turner She never played the Thunderdome Are you serial? Never she couldn't make it Now that's 80s music I think I liked Tina Turner All the men come in these places

She was great She was seductive And her hair was so big and beautiful. Oh, it was like a lioness. And she would kind of stumble when she wore heels. She was very like, but I really liked it. I thought she almost might fall all the time. Yeah.

I was into that. Yeah. I liked it. I like when a performer is almost going to get hurt all the time. Yeah, it's trouble walking. Yeah. You would have loved to date. I know you're married, but you would have loved

dating the, uh, the, the creature from Jeepers Creepers. Cause he had sort of trouble walking. Yeah. He's more of a flyer, but I mean, you would have If you could marry a character from television or film, not the actress. Right.

The character. You already know the answer. Go for it. Be witched, be witched. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Actress. Right. The character. You already know the answer. Go for it. Bewitched. Bewitched. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

But it was two different actresses, by the way, too. Elizabeth Montgomery plays. You want to go for the- Hottie. First of all, a hottie. Yeah. Gorge. Yeah.

And could wiggle her nose. And hey, honey, do we have the new Tesla yet? Ding, ding, ding, ding. We do now. She could get it. Hey, honey, can Farrah Fawcett join us in the bedroom tonight? Dink, dink, dink, dink. Then you get Farrah Fawcett.

Yeah, but Farrah Fawcett don't know no magic, player. No, yeah, she does. No, she don't. You spend 10 minutes with that woman, you can tell she knows magic. Up close magic, by the way. She does great sleight of hand tricks. Yeah, but that and seven buckets of crawdads will get you a one-way ticket to Fun Fun Street. And tooth chipped. Yeah.

You can get yourself a tooth chipping. What's mine? What's my character from TV? Yeah, and don't say Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk. Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk. Fuck you. What is it? Don't let, no.

That's it? What is it? Mega Babe. Probably Jessica Rabbit. Oh, okay. Ba-ba-boom. Why? Probably her tits and her ass, I think.

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. I'm just drawn that way. But it's weird because she's not real. We just said someone that isn't real. I said a character from TV or film. But Bewitched was a real lady. She wasn't, my friend.

She was. It's okay if you feel that way, but you're wrong, buddy. Did you ever see her in the Twilight Zone episode she did? Elizabeth Montgomery? Yeah. No. She did one episode with Charles Bronson. Seriously?

Yeah. It's really cool. Wait, Charles Bronson? My cold, dead hands, Charles Bronson? Isn? Yeah, it's really cool. Wait, Charles Bronson, from My Cold Dead Hands, Charles Bronson? Isn't that him? No, that's Charlton Heston. Charles Bronson was like Death Wish guy.

Oh, yes. He was a cool old badass, but it's a really cool Twilight Zone episode where they're the last two people alive. One of them's American. He's American and she's Russian. Is she Russian in real life? I don't have to answer that.

I'm not going to partake in ambush journalism. Why? I thought I came in here to talk. Okay, go ahead. Well, just I feel ambushed again. She did the video. Who did? Exactly. See, you set me up to fail.

Every time. It's so easy. I tried to do a story. Who drew the shirt? Is that Blues Traveler? I drew it. Did you really? I drew this this morning. That looks awesome. Thank you.

Oh my God. It does say Hanana. You know the Blues Traveler cat? That kind of looks like that. I draw my own shirts. All of them? A lot of them. What kind of, talk into the mic so people can hear you.

Oh. What kind of stuff do you, what do you use? So I draw. Sharpie? With Sharpie on shirts. And then I sell them. The original, the original art. It's like wearing a painting or a drawing. Like you'll sell that shirt?

Yeah. Yeah. How much? Not much. I sell them for between like 65 and 120 bucks. I'll buy it. I wouldn't make you buy. I'll draw you one if you want one.

Take it off. No. Take it off. Are you cereal? I want 100 and how much? I have $100. 300. $100 bill for that shirt.

Asshole. Thank you Now that's a good exchange What a great shirt Are you cereal? You want it? I love this I just drew that this morning, I swear to God I wake up, that's my morning therapy I don't meditate, I don't

I just got up And i kind of start my day drawing and it uh it is really beautiful for people that didn't get to see you buddy thank you really cool you know what it's called what what is this titled yeah yeah curly whiskers skull cat because see his whiskers are curly and he's got a skull On his head there This is Curly Whiskers Skullcat? Yeah and now he's yours Gotta be honest It's not a creative name

It's what? Are you dabbing off your sweat with the $100 bill? Well I'm not making paper Airplanes out of it guys This is wealth in America ladies and gentlemen Do you want to put your shirt back on? Because I feel bad you're going to have to have your shirt off now for the rest of the show, unless you really want to.

What are you, an Indian giver? I'll sell you this shirt for $100. It's Harlan Williams' original art piece. $50. $200. How about you give me another $100 for staring at my areolies there, bro? I can see. You got yourself a deal.

You don't think I can feel it? You got yourself a deal. I got two areolies and I think $50 each. All right. I'm going to sell you this shirt right now for $200. Take it or leave it. This is an original piece of art. I'm going to leave it.

I want you to have it. $ is an original piece of art. I'm going to leave it. I want you to have it. $200 for this piece of art. Come on. You'd drive a mean deal, bro-sephiosh. That's an original Harlan Williams. Can I wear it? Sure can. Put it on.

You can wear it out of here if you'd like. Are you cereal? Mm-hmm. how good of a shirt is that wow this is exciting my buddy harlan williams hand drawn this morning using sharpie no less and if i do this slow it's not because i'm trying to prolong my areola is being exposed i don't want people to want to see them. Oh, it's so tight. I can't get it on. Oh, stuck. Can you imagine you being a sex symbol as much as you are?

Did you ever know you were going to be this much of a sex symbol or no? Do you mind if I have this moment with my areola eyes? I mean, the audience, this is going to get flagged by YouTube because there's too much sex. Watch how I slowly bring the shirt down over one And then the other milk passage gets covered You can't milk Can you milk you think? I can lactate Wow

On demand You know some actors can cry on demand Oh If those got wet If you got wet They're wet alright Wait I really have a real question This is very cool by the way

Thank you You do this every day? I do it almost every day. I started a new website called, my name's Harlan, so I have a site called harbling.com. Harbling. Harbling.com. H-A-R-B-L-I-N-G.com. Yeah, and it's got like tons of my shirts on there that are hand-drawn.

You being facetious right now? I'm being for real. Harbling.com. Harbling.com. How long have you been putting shirts up there for? I just, you're the first person to hear about it. I actually launched the website like two days ago. Seriously?

Yeah. Harbling.com. Harbling.com. Because, you know, I want- This is really great. Harlem original art. Yeah. I was sick of people always wearing brand names and logos.

Gucci. That are meaningless, like Nike. And I thought people should wear something that nobody else has. This is very cool. Something original. So I loved to draw and I thought, I want people to have something original. Will you draw me a custom one? I will.

I was actually, do you really want this one or I can do it? I want a new one from you. I'll do, okay, I'll me a custom one? I will I was actually Do you really want this one? Or I can do it I want a new one from you I'll do Okay I'll do a custom one But I want one that I haven't seen Because I don't want to know what it is Okay I'd love to

Okay I want a custom Harlan White I gotta know what your size is though Large Do you like V-neck or do you like Crew neck Regular neck Regular neck

Okay Large Large Okay you got it. Hey. What was that you just did? Nothing. Ow.

Oh, you know what? Maybe I can't draw you one. My arthritis just, ow. Are you all right? It was weird. Just as you winked, my tendons kind of seized up and maybe- The good news is you're a left-handy, not a right-handy. Not for drawing, I'm not. Really? Yeah. But you're a lefty fory, not a right-handy. Not for drawing, I'm not. Really?

Yeah. But you're a lefty for everything else. I'm a lefty for everything else. You hold a spoon when you're eating cereal. Where is it? Right hand, left hand? Everything's left. But what's interesting is I, for DeVry, I'm taking velociraptor classes.

Yeah. And we do, normally I do this on Thursdays and Monday nights. We do velociraptor exercises And normally I'm okay with it But this one seized right up And I guess I won't be drawing for I look at that I'm thinking 9-10 years I'm out probably

That's such a long time So maybe I can draw something for you soon I'll wait You wait 9 years I mean the Jeepers Creepers monster Waits every 23 years he eats. So if I draw every nine years, I can get you a shirt, and by then you'll probably be a 3X, and it'll be great.

You think I'm going to get fat? Probably. Have you ever heard the saying, he's got ants in his pants? Sure. Well, when you're a little older, when you pull down your underpants, a stack of hot buttermilk pancakes will drop out with butter on them. A good buddy of mine slept with a chick who was a little portly. Portly?

Is that exactly- Natalie Portly? Natalie Portly. Okay, and what happened? That same thing happened to him. Are you cereal? Mm-hmm. The buttermilk pancakes flew out.

Yeah. Well, this chick, it was bizarre because she also had, I thought she had a tattoo on her abdomen. I said, what? You know, she was fat as hell. And I go, why do you have a tattoo on your stomach of the Monster Energy Drink logo of all things. That seems strange.

And she gets all fired up. She goes, those are my stretch marks, asshole. And luckily she still wanted to make love after that, but it was tough. She had to settle her down with a Bundt cake and some Pepperidge Farm muffins. And then. You got to buy her some snacks. Got to get her some snacks. And we got her a lasagna and she settled right down, but-

Like Garfield. Pardon me? Like Garfield. Remember how much he loved lasagna? Garfield the cat? Loved lasagna. That was the whole thing. It's lasanga.

Oh, I am saying it wrong. He loved lasanga. I roll. Is that the emoji you use the most? Actually, no. The one I use is, it's the little smiley face eating a human limb, the Dahmer emoji. It's like, hey, had a great time on our date. Maybe next time I can eat you alive type of, you know, fun, playful, cannibal type stuff.

Yeah. I have the, my favorite emoji is the, uh, uh, cross-eyed, crooked smile with the, uh,

um, Charles Manson. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The, the fucknard.

Yeah. I love that. I use that the most. Those are so fun. I'm like, I miss you grandma. And then I sent her that, the fucknard.

Oh, great. My grandma's 91 years old right the fucking hard yeah yeah oh great my grandma's 91 years old right now are you cereal yeah she's doing good wow is she still like i call her i call her all the time really what's going on i called her on this show i've called her on this show a bunch and is she still lucid yeah like you could she knows who you're like no dementia or anything like that i mean i don't know i think everyone kind of slows down a little bit. Well, I just would wonder maybe if you were my grandson, if I might want to have a little dementia so I wouldn't kind of have to deal with you.

Do you have any grandparents left? Maybe I'd fake a little of them so then when you came over, I could get you out the door. Do you have any grandparents left? Look, I'm not going to you don't i'm not gonna and you're jealous and this is why you're being mean i don't want ambush journalism on my watch how tall are you what the fuck guy how tall are you six two how much do you weigh as much as my grandpap see this is what you do you fucking twist people around you get the answers you want shoe size my grandparent fuck you bro i'm good i don't want to talk about my grandparents yeah you

do yeah you do what the f i'm this close to walking guy you can't walk out of here. Well, I didn't say out of here. I thought I might just stand up and walk around and get the blood moving in case of an erection. Mm-mm. You keep that in your pants, buddy. Okay. What about my grandparents? They alive? No.

Knew it. How'd you know? Had a hunch. Oh, you'd look great in a hunch I have one look at this I haven't had this hunch for quite a long time at this point I actually have cousins who have hunchbacks I had two cousins Where'd you keep them?

This is for real No They owned a dew worm farm Dew worm farm So in the morning they would collect the dew worms No they had a building where they would harvest them They had like a whole thing No I'm not kidding

You're fucking me Wait a minute Two hunchback cousins owned a dew worm farm Is that an old song Two hunchback cousins had a dew wig farm Dew wig farm Two hunchback cousins had a dew wig farm Dew wig farm

Not dew wig dew worm Yeah but wig sounds fun or do-wig farm. Two hunchback cousins had a do-wig farm. Do-wig farm or do-wig farm. Not do-wig. Do-worm. Yeah, but wig sounds fun. Yeah, but if Chris... Two hunchback cousins had a do-worm farm. Do-worm farm or do-worm farm.

Two hunchback cousins had a do-worm farm. A do-worm farm in the morning. There it is. That's the Irish limerick. Yeah. They go out

and get themselves some do-worms and they put them between their teeth. They floss their teeth with the dew and then they'd stomp their feet. They'd have a good old morning and then they'd sell some dew worms and go to the store and sell them to the people in the parking lot and then they have money to eat

and do wood farming to do we do worm farm you just got yourself a shirt bro you just got yourself a free fucking shirt wow what a song this is the dew worm farm what a song you have to finish the story they had a dew worm farm and how much do you sell dew worms for i don't know but all i remember is i was in the dew worm hut with him no and for some reason i don't remember why but he pulled out his wallet and much like how you had a $100 bill. I was like a kid and he had a $100 bill in his wallet. And I was just like, wait, you have a $100 bill? And he goes, yeah, I carry them all the time.

And it just blew my mind because at that age of my life, I hadn't even seen a $100 bill. blew my mind because at that age in my life, I hadn't even seen a $100 bill. So here I'm in this musty old dark hut with these dew worm tables with my hunchback cousin and he pulls out a hundred, and I was just like, it was the weirdest thing. How much do you sell dew worms for? And what are they for?

Is it for fishing? Yeah. They lived up in fishing country in Northern Ontario. Was this a lucrative business? No, they were the poorest people I've ever met to this point in my life. Yeah. And to this point in my life, the most generous, wonderful, beautiful people. We went to their house and they were so poor, they didn't have matching plates or cutlery

and they didn't have screens on their windows. And they put out all the food, ice cream. They were the nicest people I've met my whole life. What were their names? The O'Donnells. They're from my mother's side. The Hunchback O'Donnells. Yeah.

The Hunchback of O'Donnells. Yeah. The Hunchback of O'Donnells. Yeah. Sweet Dew Worm people. And they even had a street named after them in their small town, a dirt road. What was the street name? John O'Donnell Drive or Road. Will you draw me a Dew Worm shirt? Yeah, if that's what you want.

You said you wanted custom. But I want a I want a I want a dew worm farm shirt And I'm looking at dew worms To make sure I'm not lost in the sauce here They're just earthworms Yeah dew worm yeah

No Up north they call them dew worms No they call them earthworms They call them dew worms Because they come out When the grass starts to dew At night Or when it rains.

No, dew and rain are different things. Rain drops come from the sky. Nope. Dew drops come from the grass from below. That's not true. Well, ask Satan. Let me tell you. Dew drops.

Dew drops from the sky. Come from below, not from the sky. Kind of like lightning. They think lightning comes from the clouds. It comes from the ground. A lot of it does. they think lightning comes from the clouds It comes from the ground A lot of it does there's two types of lightning Comes from the ground There's both

Lightning comes from the ground Nope only from the ground Well you know what maybe I want my shirt back then Really Well if you're going to bullshit me about the lightning Where are you going on tour So we can tell the people to come see you You're not going to bullshit me about the lightning. Where are you going on tour so we can tell the people to come see you? I am not going to sit here with no shirt on and be ambushed. If I'm going to stare at this body.

At what part? You know where I'm looking. The areola. I'm looking right at the crux of your chest. Right here, the concave crux of your chest, between your breasts. I think I'm turning Japanese. I think I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

Aerial I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so What shows are you playing, baby? Hang on, can I please cover my aerial eyes? I'm gonna get your Areolas removed at some point On this show I should put a little

Harlan's faces right over them Shouldn't Chef Boyardee have Areola eyes? They have ravioli Yeah but you're not gonna eat areolas How about a nice can of Tomato paste areolas Areolas

Would you buy that? Why would I? I already have two. Yeah, but once you're done with those two, you're going to have to have more. Get a nice hot can of areolas. Hey, have some areolas.

Mr. Chef, I bought your dish. What do I cook for you tonight? Stuffed areolas. Hey, silver dollar size areolas. It's going to be filled with a little bit of almond milk. A little bit of almond milk. We put some fucking tomato sauce on your areoles. It's going to be filled with a little bit of almond milk. A little bit of almond milk. We put some fucking tomato sauce on your areole.

That's a really good impression of Chef Boyardee. It is? It's about as close as I've ever heard. Yeah. Well, you heard about him, right? He's up at Rikers Island right now. Well, first of all, let's not do rumors. Chef Boyardee has been accused of some stuff But he's never been convicted

But he is serving his time In the interim And I'm team Boyardee For the record I don't think what he did, they said he did Funny the word boy in his name You sound like you're doing that You were po-boying it

And you were crod-dadding it And now you got Chef Boyardee What's going on, Jared? You know what's going on, pal. Oh, God. Team Boyardee for life. I am doing some shows. Where am I?

You'd have to go to my website, harlanwilliams.com. Go to that. And then you can see- I'm going to go. You know what? I'm going to go. Stand-up tour. Because I think people need to come see you live.

If you've never seen Harlan live- Thank you. He is genuinely one of the funniest jugglers I've ever seen. Jugglers. Yeah. Stand-up tour. Dania Beach, Florida at the end of February. Oh, yeah.

The improv. The Drafthouse in Arlington in February These dates are out of order But that would be how you would organize your website Corpus Christi in March And Houston and Dallas in May And I just got today I just got the American Comedy Co

In San Diego in March In March, go see him there Southern California Arlington Drafthouse, man I love doing Arlington Drafthouse I've never been there, this might be my first time Is it good? In March, go see him there in Southern California. Arlington Draft House. Man, I love doing Arlington Draft House. I've never been there. This might be my first time. Is it good?

It's an old movie theater. Oh, really? Yeah, you're going to love it. Yeah, the Draft House is great. And it's like the people there are, it's great, man. Wow. It's really great. Thank you.

I'm excited. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. Can I blow a kiss uh give me a kiss can i blow a kiss yeah oh too high right over my head god look into that camera and you're gonna say one word or one phrase to end the episode um one word or one phrase okay that's how we're going to take this out that's how we're going to close this out it's been a pleasure i love you you're one of the most talented people i've ever um had the pleasure of calling a friend and um cactus cooler or not deep v or not i want

you to look in that camera and say one word or one phrase to end this episode when you're ready live life don't let life live you. Harbling.com In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey.

Whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse ginger's

oh hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers