Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Heather McMahan

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

She's back on the program! The pretty blonde with sass and class who's vibin' and thrivin' Atlanta's own HEATHER MCMAHAN! We love her energy and most of all her comedy! Check out her NETFLIX special Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had which is out now! She's on tour right now be sure to see her live! https://heatherontour.com #heathermcmahan #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast =================================================== SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: RABBIT https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey LUCY 20% OFF YOUR 1ST ORDER & FREE SHIPPING PROMO CODE: WHISKEY https://lucy.co/whiskey AURA Get $40 Off Your Order Promo Code: WHISKEY https://auraframes.com/whiskey ===================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Rabbit Hole Distillery and their one-of-a-kind Kentucky bourbon and rye whiskeys. I'm rocking that Rabbit Hole hat right now, by the way. Behind Rabbit Hole, their award-winning spirits is the story of their founder, Kaveh Zemanian. This cat lived a 20-plus year career as a psychologist. Went down the Rabbit Hole himself with a mission to craft the world's finest spirits. And that he did, my good friends. Okay, if you're looking for something truly original and unique this holiday season, Rabbit Hole is the perfect gift for yourself or for others. Share. I would recommend

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If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey. Don't say it. Heather McMahon. Heather is so unbelievably funny. She has a special out on Netflix. Son I never had.

Go check that out. Check out everything she's done. She's incredible. She's on the road all New Year next year, 2024. And so am I. Me and Robert E. Lee, a direct descendant of Robert E. Lee. Me and Bobby Lee are going to be on the road all new year next year 2024 and so am i me and robert e lee a direct descendant of robert e lee me and bobby lee are going to be on the road go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets we're going to atlantic city new jersey salt lake city reno tucson uh sacramento damacula long beach

we end the tour uh in las vegas nevada on 420 Come out and see your boys. We're also in Canada, Niagara Falls up there. Come see us, badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say it for all my guests, but I mean it once again.

Today, it's the return of Heather McMahon. You were on the show two years ago. I know. I don't remember what we talked about. I do. Okay, great. But I want to start the show by saying hi to the love of your life and the love of probably my life. Big Jeff, the Big Jay, the Juicy Jay as it were.

He's listening somewhere to this in his own home. Jerking off hard. Yanking it. It's so good to see you again. Great to see you as well. And you played the Pantages last night in Los Angeles. How fun was that? It was amazing.

It's the Wizard of Oz and you. Literally, people are like, oh, you know, I was doing press and shit this week. And they're like, so what's your show like? You know, Wicked's played there. Or like Hamilton. I'm like, not Hamilton. Not Hamilton. The opposite.

I do a little song and dance. I do dance around. I come out in glitter suits, but it's not Hamilton. How many outfit changes do you have during your show? I only have one right now. I used to do too much, and now I've paired it back. One change. One change.

Because I throw out my back, so I can't do what I used to do. I know. We talked about this. Now, what side is your sciatica in? Because we're talking, so I have L3, L4, and you're a? I'm L5, no, yeah, L5, S2. Right. Yeah, it's a right side.

My leg will just like dead leg and go numb, and I'll be like dragging it through the airport just like with all my suitcases, and I'm like, guys, your leg's out, your leg's out. You're peg-legging. I'm straight up fucking peg-legging. This is how embarrassing it is though when my back officially went out,

when I hurt myself. I was at LaGuardia, it was a Saturday. I'm on the road, I'm flying to Pittsburgh. That's why, by the way, LaGuardia. legging this is how embarrassing it is though when my leg when my back officially went out when i hurt myself yeah i was at laguardia it was a saturday i'm on the road i'm flying to pittsburgh laguardia that's laguardia fuck should have been jfk you're not gonna throw your back out of jfk i know but the new laguardia for delta because i'm delta loyal is fire yeah i agree i saw this k-pop band getting out of a mercedes sprinter van in front of me so i'm getting out of my car because i want to see who it is like i I even know, I couldn't identify anybody from a K-pop band, right? So I'm just like being nosy

and I want to like jump out to see who's there. And I literally just turn, grab my duffel, and my back goes out. I hit the deck in front of the sky cap. Literally it's sky priority. And they're like, ma'am, do you need a wheelchair? Meanwhile, all these like hot Korean dudes with security are like, what the fuck?

Thinking I'm some fan who's freaked out. Then they have to push me through LaGuardia in a wheelchair, and my back was out. And then I flew to Pittsburgh that night and did a show, and I was dying, but we did it. But how fun to get wheeled through. You're one of them. I was one of them.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Were you doing this the whole time? I was doing that, and then all my friends were videotaping me. See, I'm this. It's Heather. It's Heather. I'm waving. I'm the queen's wave. Yeah you doing this the whole time? I was doing that, and then all my friends were videotaping me. See, I'm this. It's Heather. It's Heather. I'm waving.

I'm the queen's wave. Yeah. If I ever get to that point, I just hobble through the airport. They see me hobbling through. But mine's on my left side. Okay. And I have such an awful time. My nerves are flared right now.

Oh, fuck. I have a femoral and sciatic nerve are frustrated. Oh, goddamn. Yeah, it's fun. I'm 40. I'm surprised you're not pilled out. See? This is really good. I'm fighting it god damn. Yeah, it's fun. I'm 40. I'm surprised you're not pilled out. See? This is really good.

I'm fighting it really hard because I like the sauce. Same. So I figured if I like the sauce, I shouldn't do the pills because of the bad combination. Also, the muscle relaxers don't do a lot for me. They do nothing for me. And I'm the kind of gal, you could give me half a Benadryl and I'm out. Like, I'm easy on the pills. And any sort of like painkiller just gives me the itchies

Yeah, never taken like a Lortab or an oxy. I just start itching I get I hate it and my back gets kind of like ups I get really more flary and frustrated I took I um I had a really bad ankle injury when I first moved here like three years into my LA living and I was playing basketball And I tore ligaments in my leg and they gave me Vicodin. That was the first time I ever had it. Yeah. And I was atrocious on Vicodin.

It got me more angry. I couldn't poop. Oh, the worst. I couldn't poop. It was there. Nothing worse than being in pain and also unable to shit. I can't shit. It was unbelievable.

I was like, come on. So then they're like, oh, we'll give you like a diuretic. You take along with it. It was just so much stuff in my body. I was frustrated. And then finally I said, I'm not going to take the Vicodin. Can I just dose up on Advil? And he was like, yeah, but who knows how effective.

But it actually worked. I mean, it didn't relieve all of the pain, but enough where I could get by without feeling cracked out on Vicodin. Because Vicodin is just, I don't like those. They're too much. Yeah, it's all too much for me. I love a Tylenol 800. Like, I can do that. But you really can't drink on those, right?

Because the Tylenol with the liver, it sucks. Now, I am, I'll tell you what, you give me, like, a Xanax, and I am chilling. Because I run high. Like, I'm high octane a lot. So for me, I need the stuff to take me down. Take me way down. Oh my god, take me down.

Half a Xanax, a glass of red wine, after a show, and I'm just, like, laying in the Hilton just like you don't ever uh you know what i can do a little bit of the marijuanas but i can do like a quarter of an edible i don't i don't yeah i like to get giggly but i've had too many bad edibles and i you know hate to be tropey about it but i get i get anxious on the edibles too i know isn't that the irony is that for all those years they're like it helps with anxiety hunger and then a lot of times i'm like i'm so anxious I can't eat.

And my teeth hurt for some reason. My teeth hurt and I think I'm going to vomit. I'm like, I can't tell if my body's hot because I just smoked a J. Or like, what is this feeling coming up the back of my throat? Yeah, I hate it. It didn't used to be that way when we were chilling. When we were children, it was way, I feel like I could smoke a whole joint and be fine. Fine.

If I smoke a joint, I did actually because I didn't want to take medicine for the my first like week with my leg i was like man i just want to walk around the neighborhood so in the morning i woke up in a little bit of pain i took the dog for a walk and i smoked a whole joint to myself on the walk with my dog and i was thinking this is actually going pretty i was like that's pretty well this is not bad right and then as i circled the lap the last lap of my block, that's when it was like, and I was just like, let's go home, baby girl. I was panicking way too high. And it was my own neighborhood. And I thought, man, I used to be able to smoke a joint and be totally fine.

And now I couldn't eat breakfast because I was so baked. And I kept thinking, man, did I screw up the whole day? I'm way too high. That's the thing, too. Even when I'm drinking, the anxiety, the hangover anxiety that I have, because I know I have to be fucking productive. And then if the one day is me coming, flying

back from the road, people don't get that. The day you travel back home is actually my most stressful day. Oh, big time. Because I know I gotta jump back in, be a wife, I gotta razzle dazzle, you know what I mean? I gotta give kisses and do that shit. And then I've got two French bulldogs who have no discipline

and run my fucking life and yeah I get it there's nothing worse I do love though I have found that perfect little

that little tincture where I'll go into Mad Men or Men Men or whatever and I'll say like I want to feel like I've had two glasses

of Chardonnay and I maybe want to eat some like cheddar popcorn you know like I tell them exactly what I want and then they'll give me this one little strain and I'll take a quarter. Even if they're like, these are only five milligrams. I still panic. And I take like half a bite. You get nervous. I get so nervous. But what I love to do on my nights off, I will take a little bit. I'll take a little roadie red wine, live in a gated community

and I will fucking walk around the house, the neighborhood and I will judge all the other cunts in the neighborhood, all of their holiday decor. And that's my me time. I get out, I get my steps in and yeah, I judge. You are like a suburban mom. Oh, fuck yeah. To the max. To the max.

The red wine. Is it stemless? We're talking stemless? It's in a Stanley cup, baby. Oh yeah. I got the handle and I'm doing my thing. I got my Apple watch on. I'm getting my steps in.

Yeah. Are you big steps girl? Do you really abide by this? No, not at all. It's just, it's just when I'm doing my thing. I got my Apple Watch on. I'm getting my steps in. Yeah. Are you big steps girl? Do you really abide by this? No, not at all. It's just when I'm high. When I'm high, it becomes a competition. I'm like,

oh, we will get 40,000 steps. I'm outstepping you. Dude, I haven't charged my Apple Watch in like three months. I can't believe I have one. Why do we have them? Why do we have them?

I don't know. I've used it. I use it intermittently and then every time I go, oh, all right, I'm going to start wearing it. And then I'm like, I don't like this thing.

My husband's got the Oura ring. I'm surprised he doesn't have a butt plug just checking his'm going to start wearing it. And then I'm like, I don't like this thing. My husband's got the aura ring. I'm surprised he doesn't have a butt plug just checking his pulses at night. He does. And watch this. I can make him tickle right now. Jeff, how do you feel? How do you feel?

I mean, it is like he is tracking everything. And then I still wake up and I'm like, how'd you sleep? He's like, like shit. I feel like shit. We just got a new mattress. That's when you know you're old. We have been on a mattress fucking journey.

What do you got? Do you have do you have the uh the adjustable because those are those weigh 7 000 pounds you fall through the ceiling honestly um no we just got some uh not sponsored puffy brand but jeff literally made me do like months of market research because to make sure this is the one to make sure this is the one and he was so pissed i was on the road and i was like jeff i took the quiz online like i know this is gonna be good because my sure this is the one, and he was so pissed, I was on the road, and I was like, Jeff, I took the quiz online, like I know this is gonna be good, cause my back's fucked, his back is fucked, so I needed like firm, and then it still came in like a box,

so he was stressed, he called me, I was in like Fort Lauderdale, I was like, this shit was in a box, Heather! Cause he doesn't trust anything that like has to deflate. I think the deflate thing's so cool. It is so cool. You just slip it open and then it, and it comes out.

But they get too soft. You wear through them. Okay. And then I was literally, he's a big guy. I'm not exactly the most petite woman, so I was also looking at weight limits for these. I've done the market research. Now, I will say, two weeks in, it's lovely. But I keep getting pushed ads from the Four Seasons for their mattress, so I'm tempted to get a Four Seasons mattress.

I'm in for that. Trust mattress. I'm in for that. Trust me, I'm in for that. Once you sleep on one of those things, you're like, what are these made out of? It changes the fucking game. Little baby, like baby necks? Baby necks. It's made out of baby necks. Little, little, tiny baby necks.

Little baby necks. It is pretty incredible when you go to these really fancy hotels and you sleep in one of their beds once, you go, man, all those years I slept in the roadside inn or whatever, Man, all those years I slept in the roadside inn or whatever, the beginning of my career, and you were sleeping on an infested bug bed mattress that was dog shit. It was a prison mattress. Yeah, it was.

You sleep on one nice one, and you're like, holy shit. That's my one thing now on the road. I'm like, I work too hard. I will only stay at a Ritz and above. Fancy. If that's what I'm going to do, if that's how I'm going to spend my money, mama's going to be comfortable. What about the people that open for you? They stay in there too? Yeah and above. Fancy. If that's what I'm going to do, if that's how I'm going to spend my money, mama's going to be comfortable.

What about the people that open for you? They stay in there too? Yeah, everybody's with me. That's funny because he, they, you know, well, he doesn't open for us, but he's part of the production crew here, McCone, and we put them in probably the worst hotel that we can find. Good for you. And I mean it. But see, I'm a people pleaser.

I'm working through that. I want everybody, I want it to feel like camp. I want everyone to be happy, comfortable. I could be miserable. I could have crippling sciatica, acid reflux, and have a panic attack before a show, but if everybody else feels good, then we're happy. No way, dude. You gotta take some notes from us. We put these idiots

in the worst place we can find. We're like, is there something below a one star? That's not true, actually. That's not true, and be honest, we put you guys in some really, really nice hotels. In fact, in Washington, D.C., they stayed at the fucking nicest hotel that we stayed at, which I was shocked. Where'd you stay? We stayed at the, what's it called? The St. Regis?

Not the Broadmoor. Oh, we were at the St. Regis. Yeah, we were. My boy runs the St. Regis there. Shout out to Vadim. Yeah, that's my spot. Vadim! That is my spot.

Yeah, we put them there. Now, I actually got bumped up at that location to the presidential suite. And let me tell you. Because of Vadim? Was this all because of the dean shout out to the dean and it's literally it was like i don't know like 4 000 square feet i'm also marriott bomb boy you know yeah you talk to your loyal i'm your elite you're elite i'm titanium elite okay i've been there i've been staying in them yeah you know and so i got that nice presidential suite but that nice hotel yeah that is it that it is nice because it helps when you're on the road and you're traveling so much because look like you you've been on it how many cities did you do since last time we talked you you must have done a hundred city tour or something like

that yeah i'm doing the same i i've i've quit counting you're a lunatic i'm a lunatic slow down i know well you do have a special that's out so i guess i understand like using that momentum for two years. I'm doing the same. I've quit counting. You're a lunatic. I'm a lunatic. Slow down. I know. Well, you do have a special that's out, so I guess I understand using that momentum I know is important. And when the Netflix special

comes out, it's like, well, I gotta get out. I mean, I have to go. Well, that was the thing. All the timing has been so weird in my career. I'm like, okay,

so I just toured for the last four years, and then I shot this special last year, so now it's just come out. I'm already on a new tour. I'm shooting my next special next week so i'm like i'm just like you're off what is time and space i don't know where i am if it's work if it's humming along like that why stop yeah i mean i think if you're if it's working in that regard like i know people that

are doing it like that that are like it's it's just it's it's something's clicking uh-huh then you got to just do it you have to to like obey the universe a little bit. Yeah, we're obeying the universe. Where are you filming your special? In Atlanta. That's my hometown. So we're shooting at the Fox Theater, which is like my favorite theater.

Love. I'm really excited. It's gonna be great. But I am, you know, it's just a lot because I'm doing press right now for this last special. So I'm talking about kind of like old material. I'm on the road currently

and then I'm shooting this next one. I don't know what fucking day of the week it is. My leg is fucking numb. I have an eczema flare up. Oh, where? Just everywhere. Mostly down there. It just gets hot in those glitter suits. No, I got a deep tissue massage

this morning because that's the other thing when I spend my money on. I get massages. I like to get rubbed down when I go to different cities. I got a massage yesterday. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible. Terrible. There is nothing more... It was, you know, I want to say this,

and let's go over this. Let's talk about it. Let's go over this. Yeah. Look, anybody's allowed to do anything. Mm-hmm. Why does a guy want to be a masseuse? Here's the deal. Because here's the deal. Women want to be touched by women.'s the deal because here's the deal women want to be touched by women men would like to be touched by women i'll let anybody rub me yeah i know but hairy arms on my back i don't like and i just of course i want a female masseuse and of course my

wife wants a female masseuse because i because women are strong enough to do it so what do we need a guy for i don't need a sweaty guy dripping all over me. I didn't like it. Didn't like it. And you know what? I'm going to go out and let him say it. Let's get men out of the masseuse game. Let's get them right out.

Listen, I'm glad you stand for something. I do. I'm glad that you have this platform. Pisses me off. I got a petite guy back in Atlanta named Greg. He's a small Filipino man. And when I say he gets on me, and it is intense. Is Greg gay?

Greg is not gay, but he's not threatening either. You know what I mean? It's very consensual. A little petite Filipino man that is gay, now that's someone I'll take. But I've had big boys. I remember I was getting a massage in Denver and this man must have been 6'4". Wasn't necessarily attracted to him. You know, I remember I was getting a massage in Denver, and this man must have been 6'4",

wasn't necessarily attracted to him, you know, kind of had a busted face. But I was like, get in there. I want Big Daddy to get—I want to be broken, bruised, leave a little bloody. You like when someone hurts you. Yes, and today I was a little disappointed. I got a 90-minute deep tissue, and it wasn't deep.

And the woman was a little too thin, a little too petite. And as soon as I walked in, I was like, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. And she did not come to play. Too skinny. Too thin. Well, here's the deal. So here's what we're kicking out.

We're kicking out straight men. Straight men. And thin women. Thin women. Get out. Get the fuck out. Get out of the massage cave. Get out of the massage cave.

It's a wrap. We're done with you. That's kind of how I feel. I was just bummed because I thought, I'm sure he's very good at his job But yeah, and I'm not and I'm so comfortable my sexuality. I don't give a shit that it's a guy That doesn't bother me at all man. It was just hairy arms Like rubbing on my neckline, and I was like I just don't like this. I hear you I just didn't like hairy arms on my neckline. There was something about it I was like man. I would rather just have like a big

boned not dude. Give me a big boned lady. Just a large German lady. Give me a German lady. Just like here to fuck it up. Just here to rub you down and fuck it up. You want my legs on your back now? When I went to Asia. I want a girder.

Oh, a girder. Give me a girder. Yeah, a helga. Give me a helga, yeah. Das, a helga. Get a helga, yeah. Das ist gut, ja? Das ist gut? Can you breathe? Huh? Is this where the sciatica is? Get up, pussy.

Get up, you pussy. She makes me do push-ups in the middle of my massage. Have you ever done a Thai massage? I have, and they will fucking beat the shit out of you. You like that? I love it. I was in Asia, and I would get Thai massages on the beach every day. And it's wild. There's actually a great place here in Hollywood in Tide Town. And they make you lay flat down on a mat. You're in these little outfits, right? So you're not even

really naked because they're stretching you. And all of a sudden I heard like this thing, like this clicking. And then I'm, so I'm laying down and I realized a woman is walking on my back and she's using a walker to get further up. I literally was like squeezed in between a walker I'm like I'm this is the shit I'm into you like that yeah she's got the bars on the top oh yeah they hold on and like dropping down I love it it is cool when they step on your back that I do like but I just don't like if they dig so deep that you feel muscles moving to a different place you know my muscles like ah and it goes to a separate part of your bone that I'm like relax relax are you doing physical therapy do separate part of your bone? That I'm like, relax, relax.

Are you doing physical therapy? Do you see a chiropractor? I do both, yeah. Oh, fuck. It's a nightmare. Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. I'm seeing my chiropractor. Shout out to Dr. Malucci.

He literally- Malucci! He does all the Falcons players in Atlanta. Really? And he's like, Heather, your body is fucked up. More fucked up than some of these running backs. I'm like, it's comedy. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like,

dude, I don't know. I'm going to utilize that. Next time I see an NFL player, I'm going to be like, you think your job is hard? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, dude. We train way harder than you guys do. Tell some blowjob jokes and then let me know how you feel. Yeah. In here, we pour whiskey.

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I'm doing... Physical therapy. Acupuncture. Physical therapy. I've done cupping. I do it all. Have you done dry needling? Yeah, I've done dry needling.

Yeah. That gets me hard. Well, because it goes way in there. And then you feel the needle against your bone and the nerve. It's a little weird. It's a little weird to feel it so deep. You're like, whoa, whoa. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, we're going to put a heat lamp over you now.

And you sit in there with that heat lamp on you and you have nothing but yourself to think because he says you want music. And I usually go, no music because I'd like to just let it spin. Yeah, marinate. Let it spin. Spin, spiral. And it feels really good, but there are moments where I'm like, man, this is so strange that

these things are like touching all the way through my body. Little knives. Little knives. I do panic and then I get up from the table and I immediately want to throw up. Like immediately. Yeah, I don't feel good. Yeah, I don't feel good. I went to this guy in New York.

I was really burnt out on the road and I went to this guy. He was like this voodoo witch doctor. He was like, stick out your tongue, shut in my tongue. He looked in my eyes and he literally nailed what I had. He was you've had novarian cyst rupture recently haven't you i was like yes i'm just like weeping in this guy's office my god yeah and then he did this his dry needling and acupuncture and all this shit and i was like so i'm into that i kind of seek out the crazies a little bit well because there's something about it like the eastern medicine had so many like wild uh trials where they just tried a bunch of weird shit. So I'm down to try something.

But I don't know if looking at the tongue, that was just a thing he did. Yeah, I think it was a kink, honestly. Because you wrote down on a piece of paper you had an ovarian cyst rupture. You forget you said that. He's like, show me your mouth. He's like, yeah, I see eczema from that fat tongue. Yeah, look at that tongue. Yeah, I know you're flared up behind the legs.

Yeah. So then when you fly, what do you do? You stand up and walk around a bunch or no? Oh, I've got, I mean, I could do it right. You know, I've got my little stretches right here, pulling the leg. I bring my lacrosse ball. I got my fucking bands.

I know. It is sad. Me too. It's so sad. I'm that, I'm that guy that I'm like, because I had one time I was on a flight back and I kept going like this, just kind of like to myself. And the flight attendant came over and she goes, it's sciatica?

Yeah. And I go, I do. And she goes, my husband has sciatica. And she goes, I can tell it hurts. Do you want a bag of ice? And I go, honestly, no. I'm going to ask you maybe to heat up my heat pad in the microwave. And she just kind of stared at me for a minute.

I'm like, this is more embarrassing for me than it is for you. And bitch, also, if you're not going to be friendly and help, don't ask. Yeah. Don't bring me solutions if I say, here's my bag of rice that I need you to heat up with the coffee pot. And if you're not going to help me, Cynthia,

then shut the fuck up. Help me out, bitch. Oh, I think I got this because my mom got sciatica and we went on a family vacation. We were down in the Turks and Caicos and my mom was like bent over a chaise lounge and she was just like groaning like and my whole family was like mom you're fucking embarrassing us shut the fuck up and then literally a year later i got it i was like oh this is me for bullying my mom yeah like this is this was karma you outside of la guardia

going side by side you and your mom doing that. Like daughter, like mother, baby. Truly. No, it's all the things that our parents didn't tell us that they had. If they had any sort of... It's so funny to find out all the health stuff as I've gotten older. Like my dentist was like, oh yeah, you grind your teeth sometimes. And I was like, oh yeah. So I had to get the mouth guard thing. And he goes, well, you have gum recession.

And I said, is that because of it? He's like, maybe, but also some of that's hereditary. So my mom, I was like, do you have gum problems? And she's like, oh, yeah, you don't know? Bleeding all the time. She goes, I had to get the part of my roof. They had to graft her roof to use the skin on the roof of her mouth for some of her receding gums. And she's like, yeah, that's also part of hereditary.

That good old Irish heritage, you know, these fucking health nuts. I got it, too. I had to get my dad had such a big gap in his teeth. And then I did as a kid. And they did braces, everything, and it wouldn't work. So they had to cut, my dad had such a big gap in his teeth and then I did as a kid and they did braces, everything, and it wouldn't work. So they had to cut, you know that little piece of that right there? I had to get that cut and then it finally kind of brought my teeth together.

But, oh, I have every ailment that my dad had. I mean, he died of pancreatic cancer, so God please. You don't have that, I can tell. Wait, stick out your tongue. Yeah, you don't have it. Go, go, go, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But, yeah, when you get older and you're like, oh, fuck, this is the shit my dad used to complain about. All the things that they had.

Yeah. Well, you know, like even that, like even anxiety and panic and all that stuff. I had my first anxiety attack in college because I have ocular migraine. So I lose vision in my eye. Are we the same person? Yeah, we are. I literally go blind on the right side of my face. That's so funny.

So do I. Fuck. And my mom was like, I used to have stuff like that when I was pregnant with you. And I was like, fucking fun hints. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Fun stuff to know, mom. I was like, how come you don't ever share? Your parents don't ever share stuff unless it's like, oh, yes, that's right.

I forgot to tell you. You were touched by the priest. And then it's like, well, I could be nice to know because I've repressed all that stuff. My mom can never remember whether or not I had chicken pox or my sister did. She's like, I don't remember. And I'm like, well, I need to know this. Like who had shingles, you know? Right.

Like, you know, it's important. She's like, I don't know. I was tired. What do you want from me? I started getting, if you get the really bad migraines, do the Botox. It does help. It's not just an aesthetic thing. It has changed the game.

I've heard about this. People have said this. Well, I get, cause I get, uh, yeah, I get the oculus where I can't see but then what happens is like then those what do they call them? Hemispheric ones you know and it hurts like crazy. It's like a it's almost like not even a headache It's almost like out about it. Yeah, I feel so strange get it up here I also had to do it because I would chew through my night guards. That's how fucking I went through one Yeah, my doctor was like this is insane. He's like fucking anxious I am. I went through one. Yeah. And my doctor was like, this is insane. He's like,

you, again, you do comedy. Why are we stressed? So I get Botox on my jaw and then up in like, right in my temples. So it just freezes me

from thinking about anything. Well, it helps you from gnawing down. Yeah. I can't do sandwiches. Like anything doughy, I like choke and panic. I really can't.

I just like, kind of, you know, I just like, kind of slurp on a salad. Has Jeff been blending all of your meals lately yeah and that's what by the way my uh my cousin who's living with me is he's he's you know getting in shape and losing some weight so he's cutting out and he's doing the smoothie thing oh and i feel bad because every time he does it i'm eating like a nice plate of food and he and i can he's watching me eat and it's and i can see how sad he looks in his face

and there's something about when you have to go through this i know sometimes you have to cut shit out to get healthier there's moments in life where i've done it too but it's so fucking not fun to eat healthy foods it's like it's fucking miserable it's a miserable way to go through life i know we all have to do it but fuck me when i see that he i'm like what did you have this morning he's like i had toast and coffee. I'm like, fucking shoot me in the face. Life is too short. After I lost my dad, I was like, fuck this. I'm not going to live this life. I spent my entire childhood yo-yo dieting. I was a chubby kid. I'm like, listen, I've got great fucking legs. I got great tits and a beautiful face. Whatever. I'm just going to

fucking lean in. I don't give a shit anymore. But the funny thing is I always lose weight. I gain weight when I'm on the road because I'm not sleeping. I'm stressed. Because with women, it's a lot about our hormones. My cortisol is always high, high, high. I went on my honeymoon and I was in Italy for 30 days. I drank two bottles of wine before breakfast every day by myself. Ate 65,000 calories.

Hadn't seen a leafy green in 30 days. And I lost like 15 pounds. It's because I was fucking relaxed. Yeah, that's right. I go on vacation and I thrive. Most people go on vacation and pork up. I come back and people are like, you're glowing. Like, I need the fucking time off.

Yeah, well, because your stress levels are low. That's what's funny when somebody goes, how come I went to Italy or how come I went to Spain? And we lost weight. Americans always go, because the food is better. You're like, yes, I know. But you're also not fucking worried when you're over there I'm filled with joy I'm not dead inside right yeah we're here every every every chance you get you're like well I should stop doing everything because I suck and I hate myself and fuck me it's it's so funny it's just because when

you're gone you don't have to think about the bullshit you don't have to think about the bullshit you don't have to think about what the next move is who's telling you no and like we both act, right? So that's my thing. My husband gets so frustrated because, you know, when I would like self-tape and then like do these producer callbacks and you just like never hear. And he would just get so frustrated for me. He's like, they should at least fucking call you and tell you that they, you know, thought

you should have the fucking decency to say something. Say something. Yeah. We didn't like you because you are a woman. I don't give a fuck. Tell me whatever you want. Right. You know, I just be honest with me. I'd rather know than not something. Yeah. We didn't like you because you are a woman. Fine. I don't give a fuck. Tell me whatever you want. Right. You know, just be honest with me.

Let me know. I'd rather know than not know. Yeah. I always hated not know. The not knowing felt somehow more offensive. Yeah. I'd rather than be like, dude, you fucked that read up. That was bad.

I'd be like, that's good. You're a terrible actor. You should never be in this business. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you much. It's better than doing the read kind of well and then um them just being like bye see ya and then you never hear again yeah i always fucking hated that

bothered me the most well that's why later in my career more recently like i've just um i'm more picky about what i decide to like even try for yeah because i at when i was young i shot so many i shot at everything and now i'm like they know and i know that i'm not right for that they just enjoy your this so they're like i'd love to see her read but you're like you don't want me in that fucking thing and if you did and i say no well then maybe you'll come back and go we got to have you read for the thing because they really like it's okay fine but at face value now if i know immediately i'm like this isn't for fucking me i just say no this specifically says like petite asian woman like why am i reading this isn't for fucking me. I just say no this specifically says like petite Asian woman

That's for me Yeah I add this theory that all the self tapes and all the audition tapes that I've done over the years like I'd never was actually Auditioning for anything and these are in a vault somewhere and then at my funeral they're gonna play it and they're like the Truman Show Like joke was on her and that's gonna be the cruelest thing anybody will ever do. Look at this moron. Look at this fucking twat. Hi, it's me.

It's Heather, side profile. Heather McMahon, 5'9", Atlanta, Georgia, reading for the hooker. Yeah, every day of my life. It is hard on your ego, for sure. When somebody says like, you know that old Hollywood adage of like, you get a thousand no's before you get a blah, blah, blah. You don't even get a no.

You get nothing. It's a thousand no's before you get a... Right. You don't even get a no. You get nothing. It's a thousand fucking nothings. Crickets, nothing. And then finally you go on vacation and then they call you, hey, we're shooting tomorrow. You booked it. And I'm like, I'm in fucking Mallorca. Yeah, I can't do it. Suck my dick.

Yeah. I'm out of office. I am 10 pounds down. I am drunk as fuck right now. Eating paella. Leave me alone. Hell yeah. Yeah.

That's how I live. I like drinking in the morning, by the way. And vacation drinking in the morning is so okay it's so okay yeah here i feel weird and guilty about it but like there i posted a picture on my instagram when we first got to bora bora for my birthday yeah i fuck they left a bottle of rosé in the room as like a hey welcome to vacation and i was like i don't really like rosé that i finished the whole fucking thing they're naked on my was it whispering angel like the best of the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is nothing better to me than breakfast wine, specifically in Italy, because no one judges you, right?

Well, they're having it. I have cappuccinos, macchiatos. I'll have 65 pastries. And then I open a nice glass of Gavi, which is like my Italian wine. That's your shit. That's my shit. Oh, look at you. Yeah, there's me drunk on rosé.

Good for you, as you should. Yeah. Really drunk. Oh, my God. In fact, I was real drunk, caught a little bit of a sunburn. Yeah. Well, I imagine you catch a sunburn in the shade. There was six seconds I was in.

That was a six-second photo shoot. Yeah. No, I literally was like— Look at that little hiney. I fell asleep. So cute. Well, I fell asleep. That was a really bad idea.

I don't know if Jeff's going to be mad that you're staring at my butt right now, but— He's got a great butt, too. Love you, honey. He does. He does. In fact, send more pics.. He does. Send more pics. Send more pics. Send more pics, Jeff.

Yeah. No, but you know, you need that just as much as you need to be the workhorse that you kind of have in your blood. Last time we talked,

I think we talked about that. It's as important to take the breaks because, you know, like we went on tour with bad friends and we got overwhelmed and we had like a little,

I had a mental break. Yeah. Big time. Had a big mental break. And so now we kind of sectioned it out a little, I had a mental break. Yeah. Big time, had a big mental break. And so now we kind of sectioned it out a little bit easier but it will get to you

when you're touring with people. Touring alone or on your solo tour, it's a little bit easier but balancing a whole crew of fucking idiots, it's personalities is tough. That's why I see,

I understand why bands break up. I get it. 100%. I fucking get it. Because it is so much personality. I mean, even touring with other comedians. And all my best friends work with me. So there are days where I'm like, guys, I don't want to see any of y'all for at least 48 hours.

And then I'll see you in Omaha this weekend, but everybody better behave. I'm kind of the den mother. And I mostly travel with dudes, which is like, I got to switch that up. No but no no i say leave it there yeah do you have the same people that open for you or no yeah it's just my buddy it's people in my life it's not even my buddy ray's opening for me right now and i used to never bring an opener i used to open for myself as a character because that's like what my audience loved and then i realized i was doing too much thea literally was like why are you doing this yeah that's a lot yeah so now now I've relinquished some of that. So your buddy does time up front, then you still do an hour. But you shift?

You don't do any more character shifts in and out? No, no, no. It's just me doing stand-up, just letting it rip, having fun. You don't need the pressure, honestly. That's a big... We change a lot on our show, as the Bad Friends show is, and it's heavy, man. I think it's more work than people know, when you like when you've got a lot of things moving like moving pieces that's why when they said they were you know people would be like it's got to be so much fun you guys together

it's like it is really fun it's also way easier to do a solo show because you're like all i have to do is do the thing that i'm doing and then not think about what's coming next i only have to rely on myself yeah relying on other people is the bane of my existence because i know how hard i work and then when people are like when i have friends who like don't they'll say like i just don't really want to work that hard you know they're like i could be successful but i don't really want to work that hard i'm like i just want to choke them you know like mommy's tired but i'm so glad we're enjoying the saint reaches you know that's why i tell them that's why i stick them in the fucking the red roof in yeah honestly that's going to build character okay that's going to build character yeah you're young yeah he's 24 oh fuck you yeah you should be at the red roof that's what i'm saying by the highway that's what i'm saying not

the nice one by the top golf the one by the sketchy part of the highway the highway yeah and the view of the off-ramp too one of the saddest parts of the highway you see people slowly getting off exiting at night sad that's what I want you to see. Yeah, a lot of sadness underneath the bridge, a lot of methamphetamines. That's what you need to be absorbing in your youth so that you shape up. Shape up, shithead. Shape up, shithead. Did you have any wild shit happen on the road on this tour? Oh, God.

Well, here's the thing. So my audience is largely female. These women don't give a fuck. So when I come off stage, I immediately get out of my costume. I like to wear a show suit. I'm not just a jeans and t-shirt gal on the road. So I get hot in that thing. So I run back to my dressing room and I strip down.

Ten seconds after I've stripped down, this woman is in my dressing room. And she's about this close to my face. And she just goes, I found you. Oh my God. And I said, you sure did. And she's in full cheetah print and glitter. And I said, hold on. So I grab my clothes, throw something on. And she's like,

don't worry. Oh my God. I'm not going to touch you. I'm like, well, now that you just said that, you've doubled down on the... I won't touch you. I might touch you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's insane. So my buddy Chrisris who produces for me on the road he hears this he comes around the corner he's like what the fuck is going on and this girl you know she's drunk and she's in her little outfit and she's like no no we're cool we're cool she's like i just want to say hi we have a party bus the show is incredible do you want to

hop on our party bus tonight i'm like let me just put on a dry thong okay and so i ask her i'm like i'm gonna walk her out so i walk her out security meanwhile the reason security let her back it's because i had bought a bunch of like chick-fil-a party platters full of nuggets because i'm too nice so all the security is hovered over these party platters i'm like guys i'm feeding the crew or whatever and um so they just let this woman back she's like yeah i just told them like hey i'm here for heather i told my name was lane and the next thing you know like i'm in your dressing room you know smelling your underwear i'm like tight security tight security real tight security this is my fault i didn't say like hey wait you know 30 minutes till after the show and then you guys

can go home right i'm like here's snacks yeah i have i i am the problem we had a guy do no we had a guy break in in dallas what happened huge venue by the way that fucking place was huge had like 90 million security guards what was it called I don't even remember the name was it the really fancy one the majest the yeah but it was like and it was like a fucking amphitheater it was absurd I don't even I don't remember the name of it but it was you know what I have to tell you just cuz I want yeah cuz you might you might know I basically played the stockyards in Fort Worth, which is also insane. It was just one of those places where I knew...

It was just so overwhelmingly large, like I thought, well, of course someone could break into here because, you know what I mean? Like, here it's called... Oh, wow. What was that called, dude? I can't find it. Yeah, what is it?

Oh, fuck. It was huge. It was massive. It was massive. No, the Majestic is a great venue. I've done that one But anyway I can't find where we were So what happens

So this guy I don't even know how we got back I don't even know where we were when he was back there But he basically comes running up And I thought he was maybe part of the crew He's like a little skinny kind of like tiny little Asian guy And I was like oh is he working with us And he goes hey I, I broke in.

Just right out the gate. I broke in. No, seriously. And then he goes, I snuck in. I snuck into the, I didn't even have a ticket. I broke into the venue and snuck backstage. And immediately we were like, uh, get somebody? And one of the security guards.

Carl? You just start calling for a guy named Carl. Carl? Well, there was always a Carl. Always a Carl always a Carl in security what do you want come on break

and the security came like come running over and they accost him and I was like whoa whoa you don't have to hurt him he's not gonna do anything he just

I was like but this is not good you guys he broke into the venue and snuck back somehow and they were like what the fuck is this all about

and then he says I do this like this is what I do that's his sht And then he says, I do this, like, this is what I do. That's his shtick. Yes, he breaks into venues for live shows that he likes and tries to get back. I know, dude. He goes, I do this all the time.

And I was like, why? And he's like, it's fun. I want to see how many concerts I can break into without a ticket and get backstage. And I was like, does this work? He goes, it's never not worked. And then as they're like, not arresting him, but like physically getting him out, it's never not worked. And then as they're like, not arresting him, but like, like squirting him out, physically

getting him out. I like took a lot out of me, but I was like, it's good to meet you, man. It was impressive as shit. I was like, fuck. I mean, I don't want to encourage it, but I was, I was shocked he was able to get into that venue because it was so heavily secured. I mean, it was like every single corner. It looked like an, like if it looked like where they would do an athletic event and their security at every single fucking yeah nook and cranny and

this this dude didn't even have a ticket and broke in i was like that's pretty impressive women can get away with a lot more i always thought oh yeah they did in practical jokers but with women how much more extreme it could be because i mean really practical though but the shit that i could get away with i I mean, I see these women, they just can sweet talk their way through anything. I'm like, they could get away with fucking murder. Well, if I'm a security guard and you come up to me and you say, hey, I'm Heather's cousin, and I would most likely go, yeah, I believe that. You look well put together. But a guy that's like, can I go back there?

You're like, get the fuck out of here. I know them. Guys can never sell it. You know what I mean back there. You're like, get the fuck out of here. I know them. Like, you know, like guys can never sell it. You know what I mean? Right. Because every guy that wants to actually get backstage is this always like ornery weirdo. But yeah, a woman who knows that she has like the, just that confidence to get away with it.

Yeah. I would let her go. I'd be like, go ahead. Go ahead. You know, Heather. My first year on tour, I basically started this, like every woman who's coming to my show started a charcuterie board business because people are like, what do you like on your ride? I'm like, honestly, I like like a, you know, a nice charcuterie board business because people are like what do you like on your right i'm like honestly i like like a you know a nice charcuterie

board some cheese some meat some salam whatever that's what i munch on backstage so women would just show up with their homemade charcuterie boards and venues would be like we have 40 women outside with charcuterie boards and they would like make little business cards on vista print like ann marie charcuterie and they all just started a business like that night. And that's how they thought they would get backstage. Yeah, but good for these girls. You gotta keep trying. Keep swinging. Smart. What is your rider now? Is it charcuterie board? I still like a charcuterie.

We do meat and cheese. We do meat and cheese and fruit. We always have fruit that nobody touches. Nobody touches it. We have a veggie tray with a shitty hummus. Yeah, we do that. I do have a specific,

like a nice Willamette Valley Oregon Pinot Noir. Ooh. And I do the Mountain Valley water. That's my jam. Listen, spring water

and a glass bottle. Give it. Oh my God, my nips are hard. That is fresh. Elvis loved it, so I love it. You know,

he had these for every show. Of course he did. Yeah, that was his thing. He wanted it. And so, by way of for every show. Of course he did. Yeah, that was his thing. He wanted it. And so by way of me saying I like Mountain Valley, our tour manager, this is very sweet of her, though. She always has it in my hotel, too. Oh. Which is really rad.

She shows up early. It's, like, very nice because I'm always like, I like bottled water, but I like glass bottle. I don't like bottles. Yeah. And I was like, it's not a big deal. And I kind of wrote it off like, it doesn't bother me. I couldn't care less. I'll drink whatever. You're not going to be a dick about it. No, I don't care. But she's like, she loves it. She's like, I like it, it's not a big deal and I kind of wrote it off like, it doesn't bother me I couldn't care less, I'll drink whatever

You're not going to be a dick about it No, I don't care, but she loves it She's like, I like it, it's specific and it's not expensive, it's not like I want something absurd, because our backstage is pretty bare minimum Bobby's sober, there's not a lot of drinking or anything There's nothing going on

So we get mean cheese, Mountain Valley water and then, I always like popcorn I'm like a child I love popcorn. I'm like a child. I love popcorn too. I always like popcorn. My favorite thing at the holidays is when you get the tin drum, and you know,

it's just chock full of chemicals, and I take my little finger, and I go from the cheese to the butter to the caramel, and I put it all in my mouth, and I just, ooh. Yeah, a little chipmunk.

Yeah. A little cheese and caramel chipmunk. I love sweet and savory. Now, are you crazy enough to pull out the middle divider and let them mix, or do you keep them separated? Yes, yeah, I mix them. Well, you're from Chicago. That's right, baby. And y'all savory. Now, are you crazy enough to pull out the middle divider and let them mix? Absolutely. Or do you keep them separated?

Yes, I mix them. Well, you're from Chicago. That's right, baby. And y'all got that real- Garrett's, baby. Garrett's. The best. At the airport.

I mean, sometimes they'll do the white chocolate drizzle, and I'm just like, y'all are crazy. Drizzle me, baby. Drizzle me. I always pull out. My mom used to yell at me. She hated that. But I didn't like the divider. I said, let them mix.

Let it mix. And you know what? That's why I'm a liberal and you're a Democrat ma i don't know you're a republican i fucked it up no it is true i always like to let them uh mix together because i hated the separation especially if it's like with sisters or siblings or friends one side would always get you know overtaken and it's usually the butter popcorn that nobody wants to touch nobody wants nobody wants it's a cheddar i want it to be so like electric neon that I can't get the dust off. Make it glow. I want to glow. Make it glow. Yeah. That's kind of

like why I used to eat 7-Eleven nacho cheese because it really did glow back in the day. When I used to get it, when I used to live in West Hollywood and that was like my meals at night, I'd go get nachos or chicken wings. I always really loved how glowy it was. And only till I became an adult did I realize it's not real and it's definitely killing you. It's 100% killing you. Actually, I will say if somebody's like, what is your biggest fear? My biggest fear is fake cheese, but not the powdery. I don't know why on the popcorn I can handle it.

Powder's fine. But the nacho ballpark cheese, literally, I can't even think about it right now. I'm not well. But my biggest fear is Kraft Singles. Kraft Singles, American cheese in the plastic. Swear to God. Andrew, I swear to God. One of my girlfriends really fucked me up once in my sorority.

She put a bunch of Kraft Singles, unwrapped them, and put them underneath my pillow. So when I went to lay down at night, I just felt them. I can't handle it. It's like my buddy Nick has a big aversion to mayonnaise. It physically makes him ill. The smell of it makes him ill. So when we were working together, it was so mean. We would take mayonnaise from the kitchen

and we'd spread some inside of his backpack or on the underside of his computer case. It was so fucking mean. So then he'd pull it out and be like, in the writer's room and he'd be like, what the fuck? And it'd be all over his fingers it was so fucking mean but i was like i didn't know anyone that freaked out about mayonnaise that much but he would have panic attacks about mayo and we'd spread it on the corners of his plate and he would fucking lose his mind i i that's i

don't have anything like that that gets me gaggy except for like when i was a kid my mom used to make liver and onions and the smell of liver yeah I can't fuck with that that fucks me up if the smell of liver really makes me gag I worked in a lot of fine dining in New York and so I can't do like a foie gras like everybody loves that shit or a pate

I can't handle it because I used to serve that shit all the time and it just reminds me of like being verbally abused by a lesbian chef somewhere in Hell's Kitchen and you know what I mean because I wouldn, it just reminds me of like being verbally abused by a lesbian chef somewhere in Hell's Kitchen. And you know what I mean? Because I wouldn't date her. And I'm like, I'm not into women. She's like, you're gay. You're gay. With those shoulders, Heather, you are fucking gay. And no, I did work at one restaurant and I worked in, you know, Boys Town in Hell's Kitchen. And we had one of the first gay weddings receptions in New York

this back in like 2009. And all the other gay guys that worked in the restaurant told this gay couple that worked there that I was trans. And so the couple, they came. It was like months later that nobody had told me that the whole restaurant told this couple that had their wedding at our restaurant that I was trans. And so one of the guys was sitting at the bar.

He's like, I just want you to know, it's really incredible to see what you've done. And I was like, what? Stop. Tyler, what are you talking about? He's like, well, we know. You know, Chris and Dom told us. And I was like, what? And they're like, your work's just really good. Because I have a deep voice, broad shoulders, right? And big tits. And they just, he just, I was like,

I am not. I was like, I am 100% estrogen. Okay, who's your doctor? Exactly, exactly. And then when you double down, when you try and, like, say, no, I am woman. Look at this pussy. They're like, okay. 100% estrogen. Okay, who's your doctor? Exactly, exactly. Who's your doctor? And then when you double down, when you try and say, no, I am woman, look at this pussy, they're like, okay. All right, sweetheart. And then they look at it,

they're like, yeah, that is really good. That is nice. That's some of the best work I've ever seen. Yes. In here, we pour whiskey. Lucy! Who am I, Desi Arnaz? Come on, baby.

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Upload. Terms and conditions apply. Ginger. I like gingers. I, I, uh, I, that kind of pranking people, like, with that kind of shit, where you don't know that they're fucking with you behind your back and you find out a long time later, big payoffs like that are really smooth. The best. I really like that.

I also, you know Grindr? For gay men, of course you know Grindr. Do you know Grindr? I'm not on Grindr. I'm not on Grindr. I'm not on it. The big red rocket 4216. Yeah, cum dumpster 69 right here. I became addicted to Grindr. And these other gay guys that I worked with were finally,

because, okay, when Grindr came out, it was in the beta phase when I was living in Hell's Kitchen in New York. This was back in 09. This is probably why they got back. They did this to me because I got addicted to Grindr. So I download the app and all these guys that would come in, I would be on the app, they didn't know. I used a Ralph Lauren model as my avatar. And so these guys, my customers,

it'd be like Big Dick Daddy 43, it would show you the distance, they're like it's three feet away. So I was having, fucking around with these guys, I just wanted free dick pics. You know what I mean? Yeah, why not? And a gay penis is always nice, smooth, trimmed, all that.

Clean for sure. And I would lay in my apartment and I would just talk to these guys all the time and then finally got around my coworkers were like, Heather, you can't be on this app. Like this is for gay men.

We're like testing this app out. So they had an intervention and I had like five of my gay besties sit me down. They're like, you're addicted to Grindr and you need to stop. So then finally I had to let everybody know it was me

and I sent photos of my tits to everyone. Yeah, but that's a nice exchange. Nice exchange. You pay them back a little bit. Yeah, I did. You got a lot of nice dick pics though. I got a lot of nice dick pics. Did you save any of them?

Yes, I have, for sure. Yeah, you got a couple of them. They're on an old iPad that I don't know how to turn on, but I'll find them. And so Jeff can't find them. They're titled something like a nail polish uh nail polish colors i love yeah do you yeah actually i have a secret folder of like uh nudes that my wife sent me and i and i forgot what i named it it was on a drive and then i opened the drive

like tax documents it just said baseball stuff which is so fucking dumb because i wasn't hiding it from her because she sent them to me. Right. But I was hiding it because I was like, I don't want someone to find this drive and then find it somehow. But I titled it Baseball Stuff, which I thought, if I'm a guy, I'm clicking on baseball stuff. As one would. Yeah, what the fuck? That's who I don't want to have find it. So baseball stuff is where I'd be like, what kind of baseball stuff is this guy looking at?

So I had to remove them, put them on something else. But those old photos that you get from your loved one, what can you do with them at some point? I got all my nudes on Jeff's iPad the other day, and immediately when I first started to look through it, and I don't care if he looks at porn or whatever, I started to, I got pissed, because I was like, who the fuck is this? And then I looked, and I was like, okay, yeah, I know them all.

That's me, that's me. He's like, they're you, Heather. I was like, but also, you just leave your iPad in your golf locker at the fucking country club and shit. As one does, I was like, they're you, Heather. I was like, but also you just leave your iPad like in your golf locker at the fucking country club and shit. Yeah. Like as one does. I was like, let the boys see it. They're not in a folder.

What I'm trying to say is, honey, mine aren't in a folder. You need to lock it down. Okay. Jeff, I want to see baseball stuff on an iPad folder for you very soon. And just write Heather's baseball stuff. I am one of those people though. I look way better just fully naked than like if'm trying to send you a lingerie shot. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just looked good. I am a renaissance woman. I just need to be laying out, just titties up. Yeah. Pay me like one of your French girls. Exactly. Well, that's funny you say that because I watched that show, The Nude, The Naked Attraction

or whatever it's called, where they start naked. Obsessed with it. Well, you know what's insane? What? Some of these people, I mean, a lot of these people have very nice bodies and all different kinds of bodies. But the fascinating thing is they show you them with clothes on at the end and they don't pay a lot of, they don't give it a lot of time.

I'm more interested in that because a lot of them, they were so beautiful naked and then with clothes on, you're like, yeah, terrible fucking fashion. They look like shit. I was like, that would deter me so much. I had no idea how beautiful your nudity was because the fashion was dog shit terrible

like 2002 yeah it's so weird it's out there it's a brand new show but you see some of the outfits you're like what the fuck that's what that

but then you think who is willing to get butt naked on TV like that not somebody a Maxinista you know what I mean not somebody who's crushing

a Saks Fifth Avenue in the latest or hitting supreme with the latest streamwear. That's what I thought. They're like, what am I getting paid for this show? $100? I show my wiener? All right, I'm in.

You got it. You got it. Well, there was one guy. This guy had such a nice pipe, and he had elephant ears and elephant tusks. I picked that guy. So I just watched this with Jeff the other night, and I was like, I'm not into, that's not my vibe. I already knew he was going to be kind of like the tribal tack guy. Sure.

I knew he was going to have the dreads. Like, I just already knew. Right. But I said, at least you give me a little, you know, something to talk about. It's fun. I wanted to go with the elephant Titus penis man. I liked it. Yeah.

The elephant trunk was, because some of the other guys have just regular cool penises. And it's a big fucking deal. You got to have some, if I went on that show, I would shave my pubes in some kind of fun fashion. Yeah. That at least gives someone, they're already fucking. To say hello. Well, they're already orange. Right. Which to me, I guess that's a big fucking deal. If I went on that show, I would shave my pubes in some kind of fun fashion that at least gives someone... To say hello. Well, they're already orange, which to me, I guess that's a trigger. But honestly, I'd do it in the thing that gave you...

That's the guy with the elephant penis. And he's beautiful. Look at those piercing blue eyes. Great eyes. I mean, this guy was so great. And they ended up linking up. But that's it. Look at it.

He had elephant ears and tusks. She had a great body, too. She had great teeth. Yeah. I mean, see, that's the thing. They all do. They all have great teeth. See, that's the thing. They all do. I haven't seen too many of not-so-good bodies. Because you've got to have a lot of balls to get on that fucking show anyway.

Yeah, it's so awkward, though, when they get rejected. She's like, all right, I'm going to cancel blue, right? So the guy comes out, and then she sees her face, and then they just kind of awkwardly hug. It is so fucking bizarre. They shouldn't hug. They should not hug. They should never hug. It is really sad to see one guy i paid attention to a little bit too close and this is weird of me but i don't care i'm ready for it his penis got smaller as the

time went on because i'm sure his insecurity was like yeah it was like i'm sure he was getting more like nervous or uncomfortable and so like at the beginning he had he had a hanger and then it got smaller and by the time he got rejected it was like comical i was like that's beginning, he had a hanger and then it got smaller. And by the time he got rejected, it was like comical. I was like, that's so weird. He got so tense and fucked up about, you know, her getting to see his face that his dick, you know, went back, recoiled into his body. But also think about it. In that studio, it's probably freezing too. I would be just tugging on it just to try to get some blood to it.

I was wondering about that. I was wondering what the guys had to do to prep. Well, you've got to do something. Also, I would say keep it a little bit warmer because colder you get, the harder it is for us to keep any sort of blood down there. But, yeah, I'd be smacking it. Just slapping your dick? Yeah, when they go to break, I'd just be holding onto the head and just banjoing that thing. There was a famous strip club.

It recently closed, rest in peace. It's called Swingin' Richards in Atlanta, and it was an all-male strip club. R.I.P. recently closed, rest in peace. It's called Swingin' Richards in Atlanta and it was an all-male strip club. R.I.P. And you would walk in and the first thing you'd see

is this guy named The Hammer and he would just be doing the fucking helicopter. Biggest cock you've ever seen in your life. And my sister, she's a criminal defense attorney so she represented a lot of the dancers because they get DUIs or whatever. So we would go in there on a Wednesday

and she's meeting with a client or whatever and I'm in there and I'm just literally like, she's talking business with this guy who's just fucking hog'm in there and I'm just literally like, she's like talking business with this guy who's just fucking hog is out. And all the other women would get so jealous because like, how are you getting like attention? She's like, no, no, no, I'm his attorney. Like, let me relax.

But I would then get drunk and you know, I'd somehow get their number. So my sister told one of these guys, she's like, hey, why don't you run security for my sister? Like, you know, she's on the road. You're a big dude. Yeah, we need it. You got a big dick. We need security need security yeah and then i ended up cash

apping this guy once 50 because nobody believed me how big this dick was and i literally meant like i'm in italy with my husband at dinner i'm like jeff you don't understand this guy's dick was so big okay other so i ended up texting the guy and i was like 50 bucks cash send me your i sent him a cash app and then i yeah just like what are you doing we're on vacation i'm just proving to you how big his dick was. I'm letting you know that this man will probably run security for me. That's his resume? That's his resume.

Just send a picture of your cock. We'll decide how tough you are from there. But see, I would say maybe you want a guy with a small penis. He probably has a lot to prove. He does have a lot to prove. Small dick security feels like he's ready to fight everybody. Big dick, he's comfortable in his own skin. Big dick security is letting the fucking girl go

backstage. Go ahead, I got a big dick, I'm eating Chick-fil-A. There was one guy that would come out and his whole shtick that he was a Georgia Tech student and he would just come out and like, you know, literally these like granddad new balances and he'd take his jeans off and he had the tiniest penis ever and the whole audience was just like,

aww, yay! And would just clap. His whole shtick was that he was like a Sigma Chi from Georgia Tech. And he would just in his new balances and like take off his Patagonia. Little tiny. Little tiny. But everyone gave him so much money. I was like, he knew what he was doing. See, that is the thing.

That's one of those tricks where you see, you go to a male strip club, everyone has to be well endowed to even want to work there. The little penis guy is actually the genius. So smart. Yeah, because that's a- Entrepreneur. That's a good trick. That's a great trick. Right, that's a great trick. I haven't seen that one before, right? And honestly, women, like

a really big dick, skinny gal, it's too big. It's too big. Yeah, it's absurd, huh? It's absurd. Medium dick. But have you ever had a micro penis? Have you ever experienced that? I have. You really have? Yeah, I did. It was in college once, and I was very drunk. What did you do? You pat them on the head? I didn't. You know, it's kind of one of those things where you're like, you're not really paying

attention to what's going on and then you're like, oh, it's in and it's not in. And you're just like, oh, I'm just getting dry humped. But it's like sophomore year. You've never experienced this. It must be nice. For the guy, you can't do anything about it. If anybody has a really tiny dick, they always say,

don't worry, I'm going to get you off. And you're like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm going to get off. I'm going to go. I'm just going to go, I'm going to get you off. And you're like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm going to get off. I'm going to go. I'm just going to go. I'm going to get a hot dog on the way home and just go. I'm just hungry now. I've got to get out of here.

I'll eat half that hot dog, throw the other half inside of me, and I'll be fine. Exactly. I'm going to get back to the house, pal. Yeah. You know, I've never been to an all-male strip club. We did get invited, though. Oh, they're fine. We got invited to go to Thunder Down Under. We got a VIP invitation from...

I don't even know if that's real nude. Are they fully nude? I don't know. I have no idea. But one of the dancers is a big fan and invited us to go. He's like, I'll give you the... So when we go to Vegas, apparently we're supposed to go to this. But maybe it's not.

I thought it was a fully nude... It may be. One of the tricks that one of the guys had at this place in Atlanta, he would, I mean, this guy had a huge penis. He would like walk down the runway, if you will. And then he would take a woman's drink, right? Like with a straw. This woman had like a Diet Coke, like a Bacardi Diet Coke.

And he would take his penis and then he would like release the straw. So the straw is full of Diet Coke and he would release it down his penis. And she would just sit there at the end with her mouth open. That was the shtick. And I remember sitting there on like a Wednesday at 2 p.m Because my sister's doing work and I was like we what the fuck is happening? Like I I don't get it I don't get horny for male strippers. I don't I don't they see I don't anytime I look at this Thunder Down Under They do not however reveal their male private parts. Oh, then what are we doing? I want to see Dong. Yeah, that's bullshit. We'll go to a real strip club over down there. But also, growing up in Atlanta, like everything. Yeah, you're the strip club hub.

We got it. We got Magic City, the Claremont Lounge. We're doing it. I thrive in a strip club because I always get a lot of attention from the dancers because they always come up to me. They'll always come up to me. I have a very familiar face. Even if they don't know me in comedy. They're always like, do we work together? I come up to me. I have a very familiar face, even if they don't know me in comedy. And they're always like, do we work together?

I don't know why. Like, I just, I get treated very well by the dancers at club clubs. You have an inviting presence. Such an inviting presence. Yeah, you're blonde. You have this pretty face.

People kind of, and as a woman wants to see another woman, that's a familiar thing. Instead of a creepy dude, you know what I mean? Yeah. That thing they have, that's work.

This is fun. It is always. We used to work together, you know? mean that's that thing they had that's that's work but this is this is fun it is always we used to work together you know and then i'm like i show my name plate necklace i'm like no no just another heather who's got a smoky voice you know did you used to dj here you're the dj i sure was i've been to a bunch of a bunch over the years and uh they're just i i don't get out of it what I think everybody does. I don't love it. I just like to go have a drink, be with people that are there. Yeah.

But I'm usually the first one to be like, I just, it's not as fun for me. I don't know what it is. I just don't care. My husband also doesn't like them. And I know a bunch of guys are like, okay, yeah, I'm sure he doesn't like it. But he's like, why would I just spend a bunch of money to go home with a half job? He's like, I don't get it. It's a little weird.

It's a little weird. I'm good. There's something that's fun with the group of people that's cool we're partying we're having a laugh you know we're drinking great it's like you and one other person it's weirdly sad like you look over at your buddy who's like too drunk and like thumbing through 20s you're like i gotta get the fuck out of here what are we doing let's just go back to the casino like that's how i always feel i'm like let's go back to the other thing. At least there it's less embarrassing. We can get chicken titters. Yeah, we can snack. At least there we can snack.

Here, that's what people do eat at strip clubs in California because they have to serve food if they serve booze at the topless places. Yeah, you can't go. There's no alcohol at the places that are fully bottomless. Bottomless you can't. Too many rules in California. It's silly. It's silly. I know for you guys it's no rules.

No rules. Too many rules in California. It's silly. It's silly. I know for you guys, it's no rules. No rules. You're pussy popping in a handstand while eating a rack of ribs and Gucci Mane's behind you. And we're just like, it's like Easter. It's a party.

It's a party. It's a party. I love that shit. It is more wild in the South because there's a, it's a cultural thing though too. LA is very conscious of everything. So even the strip clubs here are very like yeah feel very regulated and rule heavy it they're shit and people are just insecure and it like i mean the claremont lounge is like one of the most famous strip clubs in atlanta it's like

where strippers go to die right there's somebody always pregnant who comes out and dances to like nine and jill's like i wanna fuck you like an animal and you're just smoking cigs in there drinking out of like little medicine cups that they serve you like an animal. And you're just smoking cigs in there, drinking out of like little medicine cups that they serve you like Jagermeister in. You're just like, I'm like, I'm home baby. Like that's where,

that's what I like. I like the show. You're willing to spend your money on that. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm shooting the special in Atlanta next week. Everyone who's coming in,

they're like, are you taking us to Claremont lounge? I'm like, yeah, we're shutting the place down. You should rent it out. We're doing it. Yeah.

That's the move. And then they got a great hot dog situation outside. That's where I come alive. You know, I am an old Broadway kind of gal, but I also love a little pregnant stripper and a little Jaeger.

You know? It's fun. I'm versatile. When you shoot your special, is this going to be another Netflix special? What are you doing? Are you doing something

secretive with it? Can I be honest with you? I don't actually really know how it works because I did it with Netflix. I'm self-producing it but I think like contractually I think they get to like have eyes on it first. Sure, sure, yeah, yeah. They get the first look. So but I'm just doing it on my own. I didn't want to wait around and I'm just, let's fucking go. You should have. That's good for you. Shoot your shot. I just feel like now

everyone should own their own shit anyway. True. License it to them and then you know then move forward. You know, like I think it's all changing so much. Like Bargatze was, did a, you know, he's been with Netflix for three, four specials or whatever. Then he went over to Amazon. Right. And because it's like, it's a new world. If they're all changing, you know, if this all, this fucking studios, all this stuff, if they're changing the way they're doing things, both financially and, and, uh, program wise,

well, we should have, we should have be able to do our shit our way, too. Totally agree. Yeah, because for a long time, we couldn't. Thank God for stand-up, too, right? Like, well, obviously, I'm in all the unions, so respect that. Yeah. But it's so nice to be, I'm like,

I've been in developmental deals forever with networks for, because I'm, you know, writing sitcoms and all this shit, and it's so nice to just be able to get out, put some asses, put some pussies in some seats, and do what the fuck I want to do. Yeah, it's fun. I am so sick of waiting on these executives. And they're like, well, we're waiting on Susan to read a script.

I'm like, well, who the fuck is Susan? Where does she live? She's either in rehab. She's in the Maldives. She's in the Maldives. I'm like, well, I'll be in the Maldives. Because I'm trying to thrive. Susan, read the fucking script.

Exactly. Read the fucking script, Susan. Yeah, they don't. Well, that's the thing is a part of them keeping their jobs is largely balancing schedules. So they don't want to make sure they're thumbing through something quickly because then it looks like they're not doing anything. So if they can kind of have, you know, it's almost like if you've ever seen those video games or those like iPhone games, it's almost like whack-a-mole. Yeah. those like iPhone games, it's almost like whack-a-mole.

Yeah. Where if they can make a plate just in enough time to serve the next person, it's easier than to do that, than to focus energy, try to make something and then move on. I found that that process is never, never ending. It's exhausting. And then of course, so I'm touring, doing the press for the special and shooting the next one next week. And now all of a sudden it's like, we need a script in two days. And I said, you guys can fucking wait.

Yeah, go fuck off. I am tired. I'm going to go do what I got to do that I i know is guaranteed and then you'll get it right and also are you writing it all by yourself i have a writing partner for television yeah yeah well it's like that's the harder thing too when they're like uh can you get this turned around quickly you're like you didn't do anything quickly why do i have to fucking turn it i've been waiting around for three years and now all of a sudden it's like it's hot because my face is on netflix like okay but that is what it is they see you of a sudden it's like it's hot because my face is on Netflix. Like, okay. But that is what it is.

They see you on there. That's all that movement stuff that they're like, she's hot right now. It's like, well, she's been good. Yeah. But you just see her more, so now you're. Now my tits are in your face. Yeah. On the home screen, which I'll take.

Which is the name of your new special, My Tits Are In Your Face. It is, Tits Are In Your Face. And it is, I'm doing a topless, and I'm very excited about it. I'm doing mine bottomless. Oh, my God, fun. Yeah, but I have to do this the whole time. about it. I'm doing mine bottomless. Oh my God, fun. Yeah. But I have to do this the whole time. Just the whole time.

That's why I threw up my back practicing the windmill. You're like, let's talk about Biden. Yeah. And let me say something about Sleepy Joe. You have a name for the new special or you don't know yet? I do. It's right now, working title is Breadwinner. Breadwinner.

Yeah. Oh, very good. And my, you know, because I love a costume. I like to get on stage and feel like I'm ready to go. Yeah. It's showtime. Yeah. So the vibe for that is Cardi B meets Dolly Parton.

Mm. And a little Eddie Murphy Raw. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Wow. I'm excited. Wait, no, not Raw. Delirious.

Delirious. We went and played in D.C. That's where we did, where he did Delirious. We did that at in D.C. That's where he did Delirious. We did that at the Constitutional Hall. Daughters of the Revolution. Yes. It felt so weird being in that theater. When you play those theaters that these other people that you love have done,

you're like, wow, that's fucking, it's something about it. It's so fascinating. Yeah. That you're like, I can't believe we're up here doing our bullshit. Bobby showing his asshole where, you know, Eddie Murphy did Delirious. It's one of those things where it's like well it's a it's it's one of those things where it uh it's beautiful to be there but it also it's kind of surreal do you know what I mean we're here that's fucking nuts I did Radio City this summer and

it was the most out of body like I literally was like what the fuck I was walking in place sold out I'm like this is the biggest moment I've dreamed about this as a kid and I was like I should not be here I literally my husband had to shake me and he was like, what the fuck? I was walking in. Place sold out. I'm like, this is the biggest moment. I've dreamed about this as a kid. And I was like, I should not be here. I literally, my husband had to shake me. And he was like, you're going to be great. He's like, put on that fucking glitter suit. Hit me in the twat. And I was like, well, please welcome Heather McMahon.

And I was like, I just got punched in the pussy. Let's go tell some jokes. A little tap tap. A little tap tap. That encourages you to get up, get out there and have some fun. Yeah. But it was, it wasn't until like three weeks later, I was like, I woke up in bed, and I looked at him, I was like, did that happen?

He's like, yeah. Did you black out? I was like, yes, I absolutely blacked out. It is hard to, you try your best, but it's hard. Dude, that's so cool. Yeah, revolution. It is hard to, and Bobby, just kissing little Filipino men. That's our show.

That's it. The breadwinner, I'm sure, is going to be amazing, But also, for the fans out there that haven't seen your special, it's available already right now on Netflix. Who knows where the next one will be? Yeah. Watch that one right now. It may just be streaming at the local strip club. Like, I don't know.

Probably playing somewhere. Somewhere. Yeah. Son I Never Had. Son I Never Had. Yeah, Son I Never Had. And the breadwinner may be coming out soon. Who the fuck knows?

And you're going to keep touring until you die. Yep. And I will be at your funeral playing tapes of you doing self-tapes for roles that you never got i can't wait and then i will be you know haunt you for the rest of your life if you pull these videos out of the archive i will fucking haunt you and i will take a shit on you i would dump on your chest every day it metaphorically i'm into shiza stuff so be careful i knew you were go see Heather live right now yep one of my

favorite people to talk to you're so fucking funny I'm so hungover today I hope this is okay no you killed what do you mean I'm sorry I'm like out of it

I think it was so good good but we learned a bunch of lessons today and most importantly Jeff hide those nudes my guy

hide those nudes you really gotta hide those nudes and also send more videos of you jerking off to Andrew. Yeah, please. Because I got to do something during my fucking shitty day. When I'm in physical therapy, I do look at your stuff, Jeff. His golf shit. It helps me get through.

Yeah. It helps me get through. What's your website? It's HeatherOnTour.com. HeatherOnTour.com. Yeah. Go see her live. We end the episode the same way.

You look into that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase whenever you're ready. Take your time if you need it. Go ahead. One word or one phrase. Be the you today you want to be tomorrow. But don't be a cunt. In here we pour whiskey.

Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.