Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

Santino sits down with Jim Jeffries to chat about getting off the sauce, our time in Cancun together, genius moments from his son, his filthy mouth and the best losing your virginity story we've ever heard. COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SIMPLISAFE Keep your house safe 20% off your entire system and your 1st month of service is FREE https://simplisafe.com/whiskey BETTERHELP Its not a crisis line or self help, it's professional counseling done securly online https://betterhelp.com/whiskey GET 10% OFF your fist month SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Happy New Year. Welcome back to the show. Glad to have you back with me. Hey man, if you're new to the show, like it, subscribe it, leave a comment down below for the Al Go rhythm. I appreciate it. We post every single Friday. I haven't missed in over three years. And I really do appreciate you guys. I hope taking me into the new year, I'm going to bring you a lot of new guests. A lot of fun people you never heard of before. some people you have heard of before, some repeat guests, maybe a couple of residencies this year. We're going to mix it up and have a good time here on the Whiskey Ginger Podcast.

This week, my guest is Mr. Jim Jeffries, the Aussie God, the man from Down Under. I love this dude. He's so funny, so smart, and such a cool dude. He's off the sauce, so we didn't get to taste any today, but he's cleaning up his life, which is good for Jim. Of course, I'm going to keep having some because he's off the sauce so we didn't get to taste any today but he's cleaning up his life which is good for jim of course i'm gonna keep having some because papa like at the south um i am uh i'm on tour i'm still on tour baby we're making it happen it's the new year we're running around i think i got 10 12 cities left uh kansas city st louis uh chicago come on baby come on out man chicago albany foxwoods uh atlanta dc vancouver seattle

portland vegas we're all over the place go to andrew santino.com for the tickets andrew santino.com for those tickets come see me it's the new year spend that holiday money the right way on the old ginger live at andrew santino.com enough rambling from the moron let's go to the episode in here we pour whiskey whiskey whiskey you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey with Ginger.

My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is Mr. Jim Jeffries. Hello. Jim, thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. You were just telling me before we officially started how much you despise and loathe America and think it's the, and you said death to America. You chanted it over and over, all fair. Death to America it's me all over no i like america i'm american citizen man i i

fought i fought to stay in this country so you know but it's funny when you have this accent if you if you do any i the gun control routine or something like that you criticize anything you you seem to be unpatriotic or why you're here or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, every country's got their pluses and their minuses and stuff. I'm very proud Australian, very proud American. I want to go to Australia. I've never been.

I have fans that are down that have said, come down. I just have, I had one offer to go and it just, the date didn't match. I was like, can I have another date? And they're like, we got to send you one in a couple of months. You can just go. I was talking to Jay Leno once and he was just like, he was like, yeah, I'd like to We got to send you one in a couple of months. You can just go. And just do shows? I was talking to Jay Leno once and he was just like, he was like, yeah, I'd like to go to Australia.

He goes, I just don't know if I'd sell that many tickets. And I was like, you can just- Jay Leno? Yeah, you can just go, man. Yeah, you just go. You'll be fine. Just take your wife and go on a holiday, mate. You'll be fine.

That's what I do want to do. I do want to just go on vacation. But then a piece of me is like, shouldn't I go down there and work I've never worked down there Well I You know I don't know what your following is

Or the podcast reach in Australia 16 or 17 people Are listening to me consistently Right Week to week Right Well That'd come

Yeah You know So but there's There's There's theaters and stuff you can play Or there's comedy clubs you can play I would want to do a small little theater out there Yeah

You could definitely do that Didn't What's his name Move down there Because he was so successful Arj Barker Arj yeah right Arj Barker He's Canadian isn't he I think he's from San Francisco

Is he I believe Oh wow I'm not I'm not sure of this But he moved down there Because he did so well He was doing very well

He still does very well In Australia He moved down there It's so wild There's a few British people Who moved there as well And you know He become you know

A big fish in a small pond Top of everything It's not a bad career move No no It's so wild There's a few British people Who moved there as well And you know He'd become You know A big fish in a small pond Top of everything It's Yeah It's not a bad career move No no It's not bad at all We're not having any whiskey today

Because Jim's off the sauce I don't drink anymore You told me that When we were in Cancun together Yeah What a trip we had Huh

Oh that was wonderful We did a podcast Where we couldn't hear each other Couldn't hear anything That's always sweet Very sweet I was just I imagine that's how

Like people lip reading Give it a go You just give an answer Yeah You think may happen You said something to me like So how's the career going I go yeah the baby's well

You know what I mean It lines up anyway Yeah I was just like I don't have any dogs Yeah I don't have a dog It's like no We had to keep moving

The best we could Would you go back If they asked you to do it again? Cancun? Yeah. Yeah, I would. Yeah, yeah. The festival's all right.

The festival's fine. I'm a big fan of Just for Laughs. And I took, I didn't know this, but I took my son and my ex, actually, to Cancun. That's right. You said that. And my wife was home with a new baby, so I took my son and my ex over to Cancun. And it was a nice little family trip for my boy because, you know, we've been locked up in, uh, in, in doors for a couple of years.

Um, but when I got there, I found out there was a, there was a adult side of the resort and the family side. So I was miles away from everybody else. Oh, you, uh, you were in the family side? I was in the family side. Good for you. No, no, no. I like it.

And then, uh, and then there was like a shooting next door in the family side? I was in the family side. Good for you. No, no, no, I liked it. And then there was like a shooting next door in the resort next door. Yeah. There was a shooting and everyone's like, oh, there's a shooting. And I got the text message sent to me and I was dining with my eight-year-old. I was just like, oh, hey. I looked at it and I went, oh, my God, an active shooter type of thing. But it's a cartel thing, wasn't it? Yeah.

So, yeah, it's all right. They're not after us. They're not after me. I'm not cartelly. That is how I feel about those kind of things when tragedies happen. You're like, oh, that's not after me. That's fine. Well, I had many years ago, when I was doing the gun thing, I had an active sort of threat that there was going to be a shooting in one of my gigs in Texas. Somebody said, come to Texas, we'll shoot you. Yeah, well, we cancelled the gig once

because there was a guy who was a pretty good threat that he might come and shoot the place up, right? What city? I don't want to make the people who went there feel bad, but it was Dallas. Oh. It was many years ago. Dallas, thank you for coming to the last few shows, right?

They got a good shooting pass there, JFK. Oh, yeah JFK. That was one of the best shootings of all time. What is it with the fucking book depository? This just shows how cheap real estate was back in the day. Prime real estate in the middle. Well, we use this high-rise tower maybe to use some corporation can move in there, expensive housing, or we could just keep books. Lots of books. But couldn't that be in a warehouse on the outskirts of town? Why would we do that?

We'll have a lonely book depository in the fucking center. Anyway. That was made for assassinations. So we canceled the show once, and then we went back. The threat wasn't as big, and they think they figured it out, lots of stuff. But then I sort of rang the cops, and I said, hey, look, I'm still not feeling super safe here because, you know,

the threats still keep coming in. They go, we don't think it's a real thing. I wouldn't worry about it. I go, yeah, but could you, you know, just have a- They said that to OJ's wife. Yeah, could you just have a presence? You know what I mean? And then they said to me, oh, you can pay for some uniformed cops, right?

So with my own money, I bought 14 uniformed cops. What? Yeah, yeah. How much does that cost? It was a lot of money. It was just for a few hours. Say it, just so we know. Oh, I don't know.

I can't remember the figure, but it was enough to bother you. Anyway, so we had a cop at each door and then we had four cops on the edge of the stage, right? Anyway, so before the show starts, I'm sitting in my dressing room and next door, all the cops are being briefed in another dressing room. Right. And there's like, whatever their Sergeant is, they call it Sergeant in America. Sure. Yeah.

I think so. So, so the Sergeant goes, as he goes, okay, we're going to need a carpet each door and we're going to need four along the edge of the stage. Pretty good. Right. And then one of the cops went, excuse me, Sarge, why are we even here? And then he goes, well, this particular comedian has been getting death threats.

And he goes, what's he been getting death threats for? Well, he does a routine on gun control. And then another cop goes, maybe you should learn to shut his fucking mouth then. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is nice. The cops are going to shoot you now. These are the ones that are going to protect me.

And they weren't even like great cops. They were like fucking highway patrol cops with like the boots outside, the pants, those type of things. Highway patrol guys. Yeah, yeah. Staties or whatever they call them. Those guys hated you the most because they love to use those guns. They love them.

You really pissed off the wrong crew of people. Texas is just not for you, maybe. I know. I do all right in Texas, man. The Texas crowds always show up for me. I always used to think that people used to go, because of your comedy, you won't sell well in this market, that market, whatever.

There's always people everywhere you go. Sure. Sometimes the market you least expect. Well, I did so much anti-religion stuff that I never thought I could do, say, Salt Lake City. You know what I mean? Because I thought, oh, the Mormons. And then people show up.

Yeah. Just not the Mormons. For every culture, there's a counterculture. And even if that counterculture, the smaller they are, the more rebellious they seem to be. Sure. And the more they want to show up. Yeah, they want to show up and support. Because they're fighting against all the shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you call this? Would you call this before we started Mexican Coke? Mexican Coke? Very racist. We did an episode on my podcast. I don't know about that, but we talk about different topics. We did one on on my podcast I don't know about that But we talk about different topics We did one on Coca-Cola

The Mexicans drink more Coca-Cola Than any people on earth Do they? They do Is that why they work so hard? They got all that sugar They burn it off You know what I mean?

So they're all skinny No, they love the Coca-Cola I love Mexican Coke If I'm going to drink Coke That's why we have those In the fridge of the studio I'll only drink I don't drink cans

I think the taste of Say the. I'll only drink, I don't drink cans. I think the taste of, say the word. Aluminium. Aluminium. You say aluminum. It is aluminum, for sure.

My friend, my friend. It tastes terrible. My friend, Ed Byrne does a joke about that, about Americans. He goes, Americans, aluminum,

aluminum, aluminum. We all know it's pronounced tin. That's good. Wait, who's that? Ed. Ed Byrne. Ed Byrne. Is he an Australian We all know it's pronounced tin. That's good. Wait, who's that? Ed? Ed Byrne. Ed Byrne.

Is he an Australian guy? He's an Irish guy. They say tin foil. Tin. Tin foil. Yeah, the tin. Or like when they, I actually think we should adopt some of those old English. I think rubbish is great for trash.

Yeah, well, I say people are rubbish. I say that's rubbish. People are garbage. Yeah, something rubbish. Or if someone's talking garbage, you're talking rubbish. The loo is a great one too, I always liked that when I was over there. Australia uses the term dunny, but that's a bit of an old term. Dunny is a toilet? Dunny is a toilet, yeah. And then your toilet brush would be a dunny brush. Ah, your dunny brush, yeah, that sounds a little weird to me.

I don't use that one anymore. But sometimes when you move overseas, you become more like the nation you're from. Like you thicken it up and you go back and you're like, oh, no one's saying this anymore. It's like when you're in Spain and you visit a British person's house, there's always a picture of the fucking queen on the wall. And you never see that in anyone's house in England, just a picture of the queen on the fucking wall. But all of a sudden they're like, yeah, her majesty. May she live and reign for long. No, that is true. Here in the States, it's the same way. I'm from Chicago. Everyone's from somewhere else in California. So then sometimes I'll

be heavier Chicago, especially if I'm around Chicago people, just because it feels, yeah, you miss home. I think that's what it is. You see them all, like all the actors and stuff from here go back home for Christmas, and then in January they're all saying y'all for a month. Hey, y'all. We're back, man. Yeah, with a thick accent. So wait, tell me.

You put down the sauce. You put away the sauce because you were like, it's time. Daddy needs a break. I'm an old dad. I just had another baby. I'm an old father. The hangovers weren't what they were, and I woke up with so much regret all the time.

And I'll say this, I don't believe, and probably there's people who are better trained at this than I, but I don't believe that I was an alcoholic. I believe I'm a drunk. I have, which is probably a form of alcoholism, but I could go a couple of weeks without drinking. But if I was to drink, I was to drink to get obliterated. I have no interest in one or two drinks. I've never had an interest. I don't get people who do that.

Like I'll have a glass of wine with dinner. Like what the fuck are you doing? I had one last night. I'm a weirdo, I guess. Yeah, I know that people, that seems to be the sensible way to go. You should be commended. It's like, it's like people buy, like my parents had a liquor cabinet that just seemed to be there my whole childhood. I never see them pull a bottle in and then every now and again at Christmas,

I'm going to have a Kahlua. And you're just like, what the fuck? This thing never goes up or down. It's like if I bought a bottle of vodka, I'd open it and then I drank it until it was done. Was that your choice, vodka? Yeah, towards the end. Only because of calories.

Oh, sad. You know what I mean? That's when you have a problem. Yeah. When you only drink certain things because you know, like you won't get fat. When people have vodka tonics,

it makes me sad. I know they don't like it. No. They're doing that to stay thin. No, I was tequila and vodka towards the end. I love tequila though. Yeah, tequila was a,

growing up in Australia, tequila was bad. El Toro was the only only brand remember that one with the little red hat on it little plastic red hat and it was it's fucking cooking tequila everywhere else in the world and that was like you had and then like i remember quavo came in and we were like fuck have you tried this it's gold it's gold tequila we were like losing it i'm sure it's bad i'm sure they have Patron and stuff there now Sure But they didn't before

But that was the hot stuff Back then Cuervo was hot shit Oh Cuervo was We never seen gold tequila We only seen the clear Type of stuff Blanco yeah

That's so funny And it's pretty shit Oh it's dog shit It's shit yeah It's dog shit I worked in a Mexican restaurant Which was the only Mexican restaurant in Sydney

When I was sort of 18, 19 as a waiter How many Mexicans Are in Sydney? Six? Seven? I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure if I ever met one in Australia when I was growing up. Not one. I can't imagine. How would they get there? I met some South Americans. You might have thought, but I'm not sure if I ever met a Mexican.

Australia, I'm ignorant. It's almost all white and indigenous people. That's it. No, no, you're way out. Are there black people there? There's black people now. They weren't black people for a very long time. And someone's going to ring up and get very upset about this. I'm black and I'm Australian.

No, there's plenty of black people living there now. When I was growing up, there wasn't, apart from aboriginals. But Australia had a policy called the White Australia Policy. This was our government policy right up until, I want to say, the late 1950s. It might even be later. That's why I'm saying someone's going to correct me right now. Sure. They always do. But it was, we had immigrants. So the most sort of diverse immigrants we used to have when I was a child were Italian and Greek people. And we thought they were like, whoa, fucking look at that fella. He looks a lot Italian bloke.

Oh. But then, so my school was 60% Asian. Maybe Sydney's got as many Asian people as you'd say Latino people are in California. Southern California. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got to think how close we are to Asia. Yeah, you are.

That's right. You know, so we have a huge Asian population as well. But no black kids growing up. You never saw a black kid growing up. We had one kid in my school. One kid, he was mixed race. But now there's a lot. Yeah, sure.

In rural areas, you'd see a lot of aboriginals and stuff like that. But now there's a lot of, you know, they used to have a thing in the, see this is why I hate doing podcasts. I know I'm about to get in trouble with everything I'm about to say. Yeah, that's what we of, you know, they used to have a thing in the, this is why I hate doing podcasts. I know I'm about to get in trouble with everything I'm about to say. Yeah, that's what we're doing. Yeah, yeah. They used to have a thing in the Australian Basketball League, which was so that the league wasn't just a whole lot of imported kids who didn't do well after college here. You know, didn't make the NBA, they go play in Australia or China or whatever.

Yeah. The rule was that your team could only have two imported players, right? Two black guys per team. Yeah, so basically every team had two black guys. You can't have more than two blacks. Yeah, but that was just so they would nourish the Australian talent and you would keep the Australian talent. It sounds more like they didn't want an advantage for one team

for the other. But what would happen is as soon as they started dating like an Australian bird, the team would be like, you should get married to her because as soon as they became a citizen, they could bring another one over. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you're like Catholic schools here in the United States. That's what they do here. Catholic schools in like the high school game,

public school for basketball or football or whatever, it's the best of the community that lives near the school. Right. Catholic schools, private schools, they're allowed to draft kids. They can literally bring kids in. So some of the best high school sporting teams tend to be these Catholic schools and private schools because they literally get to have a draft. I mean, it's illegal to do that.

They do it. Right. They get to convince a kid to come to St. Peter and Paul because they can do that. They can pick people out. Well, that's how Ben Simmons came about. His father was an African-American basketball player who came out to play in Australia, married an Australian bird.

And then, you know, we have Ben Simmons. Oh, you have Ben Simmons. And the thing is, we have a great team now. We got the bronze in the Olympics. Good for you, by the way. No, it's pretty amazing. It is. It's a small country.

Yeah. You know, pretty amazing. All our starters are in the NBA. When I was growing up, it was just Luke Longley. That was it. So, you know, I'm a Chicago Bulls fan. So, you know. Did you see that he wasn't in the documentary?

Yeah, I noticed that. It was noticeable, right? It was deliberate, for sure. I believe that he really, really, i actually have a friend of a friend so i i've got a little bit of him fight side information on this but i might be incorrect but i believe that he disliked jordan so much that he did not want to be on the documentary i don't think that's a mystery i think a lot of people know that yeah jordan had a lot of enemies in his own camp well you saw through the documentaries he was quite patronizing to luke longley he was like yeah good game luke bitch yeah yeah and he well he also used to he used to bully a lot of those guys

because he thought it was bringing the best player out of them but also i think it made them resent the shit out of him yeah because he was a superstar he got away with anything he wanted if social media was around he'd be in deep shit yeah yeah those guys all would have been clipped you know what i mean now you think about how diligent LeBron or any of these pro athletes have to be because every second of every day is eyes on them. Yeah. Jordan, those guys, he was sneaking away to Atlantic City, gambling all night long, partying with chicks in hotel rooms.

Yeah. He got away with all that stuff. You could never do that shit today. Yeah, someone would post something. Yeah, you would get clipped. Or something. Hey, Jordan's at the fucking poker tip. Right on someone's Instagram.

I mean, you'd be all over. Even in the private world, if you try to go get private tables in Hyrule, they'd still get you. Someone, a dealer would get you. It's the same way where, like, when you see celebrities land at certain cities and you're like, how do these people fucking know where their hotel is? Someone's ratting to a buddy, yo, you won't believe who's standing at the hotel.

I just remembered a story. So I was at a blackjack table once, and I was in, like, one of the shitty casinos in Vegas. I was, like, circus circus or something. I was just walking through, and I thought I was in like one of the shitty casinos in Vegas. I was like circus circus or something. It was walking through and I thought I'd stopped for a second at the table. And, uh, and someone came up and asked for a photo with me and then they were like, no cameras, casino, blah, blah, blah. And then the lady, the blackjack table was like this, she goes, are you famous?

And I said, oh, only if you know me, you know, which is how it works. And I went only if you know me, you know, which is how fame works. And I went, only if you know me. And then she went, she goes, I was famous for a while. Oh. And I was like, and then it spiked my interest. I went, oh, this is like, so this is how confidential people keep it. This is one of the dealers. And I said, how are you famous?

And she just goes, I sent nudes to Anthony Weiner. She was one of the Anthony Weiner girls. And she sold all the texts and everything. She was one of the blokes that got in trouble I was like I better watch what I'm saying in front of you You seem very proud of your Bringing down of a person You slowly put away those dick pics

You're like yeah I guess I can't show her any of these That's so wild And she's real The fact that she's voicing it Is proof why a lot of that stuff is just They just People want the attention Yeah yeah That's a big get for them Oh yeah yeah And she's real. The fact that she's voicing it is proof why a lot of that stuff is just, they just, people want the attention. Yeah, yeah.

That's a big get for them. Oh, yeah, yeah. And she got a big payout. I'm sure she got- I'm sure she got paid something for, if not from him, from newspapers that bought the story. Yeah. You know, somebody would pay something.

Yeah. Do you get harassed by any of those paparazzi? Any of that stuff? Does it ever bother you? Did it get you? I have had things written about me and stuff like that. And some of it true, some of it not. Some of it completely fabricated.

I've stopped looking. I've just stopped looking. I don't worry about it. I know people who are much more famous than me, and that seems to be what they do. So that must be the way forward. I'm not a big social media person. I just find it to be, it's just bragging, isn't it?

Yeah. Everything's just bragging. Yeah. Look what I'm doing. Yeah. Here I am. Like, like every time, like, let's say you're on a private jet or something, which I do not very regularly in this sense.

I'm on the jet. I'm on private jets all the time. Very, very regularly. Every week I'm on one. Whatever friends or other comedians you bring with you They all insta story And I always think to myself Who's watching that and going

I'm so happy for Dave This is good That's really made my day That's picked up my spirits He's flying there in style Meanwhile this person is working three jobs Your fans are working two or three jobs just to feed a couple of kids.

I know, I never understood it. I do that very rarely, by the way, to my fans. It's not a common thing. He private jetted to here from one part of LA. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, you got a great idea and you want to turn it into a beautiful website. Squarespace is the place.

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Hey here's a slice of my life because now I'm like hey man here's stuff that you can Engage with career wise and come see me at a show or yeah I it's very good for that Yeah but it's like so for example I just had a baby And what did you name it Charlie Charlie's a great name Boy or girl a little boy but we were gonna call it Charlie if Charlie's a great name Boy or girl? A little boy But we were going to call it Charlie If it was a girl Right could have been both

I'll tell you a funny little story So my son Wrote a letter for school And My son is nine And he's Just so happy to have a brother He's been an only child forever

And So he had to You know Type this letter out They teach them You know young with the fucking Typing at nine? Yeah yeah yeah Holy fuck I learned like five years ago Exactly He had to, you know, type this letter out. They teach them, you know, young with the fucking computer. Typing at nine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy fuck. I learned like five years ago. Exactly. I just played a computer hacker in an episode of SWAT, right? I just fucking. Just hunting and pecking. They're like, Jim.

I haven't opened a computer for years. I didn't really check what the scene. I didn't read the full script. I'm not sure if my character was a goodie or a baddie. And I had four lines. And one of the lines was, all right, I'm breaking through the mainframe like i think you can see me just going but anyway just on the mouse like jim i don't think that's how you crack into the main no no this is it if i click enough windows i'm in the main i'm not a computer guy and i just

i was just doing that with me hands you know so anyway, my son had to write a letter about what's his favorite thing. And he said, my favorite thing is my brother Chuck. And he said, Chuck does this and Chuck does that. And Chuck wears this clothes and Chuck does this thing and Chuck does that thing. And it was a lovely, sweet little letter. And I said, Hank, that was wonderful. I love that. Thank you so much.

What a lovely letter to write about your brother. And I said, I didn't know you called him Chuck. And then my son looks at me, he sort of looks both ways like he's going to tell a bad joke. And he goes, yeah, dad, I didn't know how to spell Charlie, so I did a workaround. A smart kid. He didn't want to ask the teacher how to spell it because the teacher would be like, it's your fucking brother, you idiot. So he just sort of went, oh, Chuck. It's a C-H in front of a fuck.

Chuck sounds nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sure he hears fuck all. Are you cussing in front of the kids? Come on. Not a lot. But my son doesn't swear. He just doesn't swear.

And he goes, yeah, not yet, not yet. But he's nine. So you'd think you'd hear one or two of them. And then he'd come to me and say, such and such a school said a bad word. And you'd be like, yeah, not yet, not yet, but he's nine. You know, and so you'd think you'd hear one or two of them. And then he'd come to me and say, such and such a school said a bad word. And you'd be like, ooh, like that. But it's very hard for me being as sweary as I am. And he's going to be watching my stuff soonish, whether I like it or not. So I do swear in front of him, I guess, you know, just day-to-day swearing,

but I try not to. I heard it so much. I got so used to to it it became a part of my language yeah it's just it's hard to grow up with it and not get into it my family's good swearers we're good swearers there's nothing worse than hearing someone who's bad at swearing and we're we're we do it very you know we slip we slip the word in and it's it's not like just we're not just people who hit ourselves with a hammer on our thumb and go fuck we use the use the word fucking to explain, you know what I mean? That's what I do, yeah. One of these fucking things and another fucking thing.

But then if you do that so much, it almost goes away. People don't even notice it. They don't even notice it, yeah. Yeah, like people have said that at a show before. They're like, a woman said to me one time, the guy in front of you was quite dirty. Yeah. And he wasn't at all, the guy that went before me. And I was like, that's because you're not, the way i speak is just uh you don't you don't notice that i'm saying is there anything worse than a comic who isn't

particularly good trying to do offensive humor dying on their ass and then saying something like all right so it's that you're that type of crowd are you and you're like dude you're just not charming yeah it was you it has nothing to do with them yeah you upset them right it's like you know look i say cunt a lot. I've become slightly synonymous with saying cunt, and it's something that I lean into now. Should be the name of your next special. They won't let me.

The people at Netflix. Won't sell well. They won't let me do it. You can cunt on it. But I was saying it last night. I was doing a gig, and I was doing a joke about 69, and I was just going, you're licking her cunt, and her cunt's doing it. And even me, I went, geez, I'm saying this a bit much. And it's like, because I think that's what the audience

want from me, you know. They do a little bit though, right? A little bit, yeah. They expect that. People do like, before they come to gigs, they do the gambling pool on how many times I'll say it. People are doing counts. Is in Vegas, can you bet on Jim's cunt count? People always write to me and like they say hey i'm in a betting pool with my friends i've said 46 times can you try to get it around there i'm gonna win some money people write to me you do that all the time and it's like and then at the end it it's not as much as you think it's like over the course of an hour it's maybe 19 times or something that's a lot that's still a lot you say like yeah but people think it's gonna be like 80 times or something an hour, it's maybe 19 times or something. That's a lot. That's still a lot.

You say it like it's- Yeah, but people think it's going to be like 80 times or something. It's not. You should have a cunt counter on stage. Well, my first special with HBO, when I first came out to America, they saw my set. They'd researched me so much that they made me do sets in front of them. They followed me around through gigs because I wasn't known in America. And then the only note they gave me, you know, do sets in front of them. They followed me around, do gigs because, you know, I wasn't known in America. And then the only note they gave me is they said, look,

we want you to do well. We want people to stay tuned in. And our ratings work in 15-minute blocks. It's not just your ratings. It's your attention after 15 minutes. Sure. So can you not say cunt for the first 15 minutes? Can you?

And I was like, no problem. I was like, no problem. I got it. And if you watch my special at like 15 minutes and four seconds, because I had a cunt light at the back. Right. That was like the light shined on. That was like, you can go back to saying cunt.

It was like that bit in Rocky, switch back to South Park. Yeah, yeah. Go back. And so then I think the first line was,'t panned as a bunch of cunts. It was the most innocuous little slipping of the word. But it's perfect. It was, it was off and running.

Gets you right back into where you belong. So, so that was, that was the thing. But back then, if you remember like 10 years ago, comedians say it now, but 10 years ago,

it was still banned in a lot of comedy clubs. Wait, seriously? Yeah, cunt was banned in a lot of, they said, you can say anything, just don't say cunt. Yeah. There was a few. I mean, I know it was a, it was kind banned in a lot of comedy clubs. Wait, seriously? Yeah, cunt was banned in a lot of clubs. They said you can say anything, just don't say cunt. Yeah, there was a few. I mean, I know it was kind of a thing,

but people could just get away with it. Not in all comedy clubs, but there were a few where they were like, our fans, you know, they think that their audience is different from the rest of the countries. It's not. Here at the Chuckle Banana Club,

where, you know. Love the Chuckle Banana Club, by the way. I was about to say the Chuckle Hut And then I thought fucking hell There'll be somewhere called the Chuckle Hut And I know there's a place called Bananas Another one called Coconuts Something called Ha Ha

The Laugh Hut What have you replaced booze with? You gotta I'm a big weed head man Are you smoking a lot of weed? No I just eat edibles Five days a week You don't like to smoke Because of the

Inhalation in the lungs Yeah I just I like edibles Because it's such a simple thing And also you don't smell like smoke You take them in the morning? No no no I take them now

Well at the moment I take them after my baby's gone to bed And I chill out and play I play you know Call of Duty with my brother Until like one in the morning Because he's in Australia. Yeah, me and my brother, we were never not close, but we'd talk every two weeks for five

minutes, a pretty basic old conversation. That sounds like brother-sister, brother-brother stuff. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, how are you doing? You're good. Good to hear, whatever. And since COVID, we started playing Call of Duty with each other about, you know, four or five nights a week.

And you just chat so freely because you're like, oh, there's a guy behind there. There's a guy behind there. So how's the kids? Oh, yeah. Oh, she's finishing school. Oh, I just got shot. But you get more across that way because it's real chit chat. It's like you're in a car talking to each other. Yeah. That's actually interesting. That's the way to bond brothers in the world. Yeah. And so me and him had never been closer. What's the age separation? He's four and a half years older than me. Okay.

And so me and him play Call of Duty every night. I don't know how, what was I talking about before? I get high. You get high, shit. I get high and play Call of Duty. I got high last night. I went to the improv party. I didn't, you know, I don't drink, but I like the weed.

The weed, the problem with the weed is when I gave up drinking, I thought I'd lose weight because of all the booze. But then I- You haven't lost? No. I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I normally am on TV. If I'm on TV, I like to be 10 pounds lighter. I have a TV weight in my head that no one else-

You're so Hollywood. That no one else knows that I know. Yeah. That's your dirty little secret. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, before I do a special, I starve myself. I lose 10 pounds in two weeks what do you do you just don't eat food at all 500 calories a day get a colonic yeah 500

calories a day and i just do that you ever got a colon you ever got the booty i have done it once but i got such bad hemorrhoids everyone can just leave that the fuck alone now well i've i've retired my asshole like like if i was a gay fella i'd have to become a top even if i was a bottom just go my bottom days are over. You show him and he's like, oh, the store is closed. Oh, I believe my asshole looks so horrific that if I was ever in prison, I think I'd be safe. I think they'd go for it and then they'd look at it and I'd go, is this what you want? But my self-esteem, I'm such a fucking weak-minded fool.

I'd feel the rejection after they didn't do it to me You don't want me? I'd go, what's wrong with me? I could clean it up a little bit What's wrong? Make it nice It's just a large flap of skin that's engorged We've had hemorrhoids your whole life

Have you had them your whole life? Since early 20s, yeah Why? What for? You're pushing too much, man? Let it flow I've had a lot of different theories on this I've had doctors say you're pushing too much You have some metamucil

I've done it all Now I just think it's my lot in life and I just don't even worry with the preparation. I just fucking do it. You just deal with it? Yeah, push it back in and move on with my fucking day. I'm a tough guy. I don't treat my hemorrhoids, pal. My hemorrhoids, they're toughened up as well. They've calloused over and they're just in for the long haul. They don't care. The weed, so the weed is taking over for you

because me, I quit weed. That's funny. I all but put it away. I'll smoke a joint every once in a while with a good friend, but it's hard for me now, man,

because if I get too stoned, I just feel so disconnected that I'm like, oh man, I can't be functioning around humans. If I get too high, like how much do you know

to take the perfect amount anymore? Yeah, 20 milligrams is what I use. that's the good number i found right 10 between 10 and 20 is kind of sweet yeah 10 sometimes you don't even feel it or you feel it very little and 20 will get you a nice high and then 30 will get me very high but occasionally i'll do the whole or i'm doing 60 just to fucking see just to push the boat out there and see what happens. Um, but, uh, yeah, I went to a party the other day and I thought I went by myself. It was a friend of mine's birthday and I went by myself to this party and I, I could have done with having my wife or a friend there, you know what I mean?

But I thought I'm not drunk. I won't make a fool of myself, but I was high and i bored the shit out of some people like bored the fucking shit out of them with mundane fucking subjects yeah it's like i got a like as i said on the podcast we do a different topic each podcast right that's the whole thing and so uh some lady went uh she goes i was talking she goes oh i like your accent she goes you sound like a pirate and i went well I don't really know. I can see, I can hear a bit of Jack Sparrow in me a little bit. Yeah, that's because he's like an amalgamation

of every country around the world. Exactly. But because I've done a podcast recently on pirates, I went like this. Well, actually, the pirate accent comes from Cornwall. That's why you have musicals like the Pirates of Penzance If you go down there The people of Cornwall definitely go

They make that noise And then I kept on going on And then someone walked up and went Hey how are you guys doing And this girl went wonderful I'm learning so much I was like oh god

Just loading the bullets in her gun No no no it's great keep telling that story about pirates that's what happens when you get too high though you get in the middle of the conversation and then you're stoned and then i can hear myself go fuck this isn't going anywhere i gotta get out of this how do i get out of this yeah and you gotta go so i gotta go to the bathroom that's my exit i always gotta go to the bathroom if i need to get out of something i go i'll be right back i gotta piss you're a smarter man than i go to the bathroom. If I need to get out of something, I go, I'll be right back. I got to piss. You're a smarter man than I. Go to the bathroom. It's the best way to get out of stuff.

And also, bathroom is the best way to leave a party. Irish goodbye, every party I've ever been to. Yeah, I don't say goodbye. Can't. You can never get out. And what are you saying goodbye for? When I talk to you and I see you and then we talk, when that's done, it's over. Yeah, yeah.

I don't need to come back and go, I wanted to say goodbye before I go. I'm gone. Yeah, yeah. Also, my last memory, I hope, was a good one when we last spoke. So you don't want to have a weird goodbye, and then that's what they're thinking about when they think about you again. Also, the goodbye can be so loaded. There's so much of, do I swap numbers with this person?

We mentioned golf earlier. Do I dare say we should golf together? You're not going to do it. You know what I mean? Or do I just leave and go, it's nice talking to to you I'll see you again in six years maybe you know I don't or buy and say something nice about me when I die do you golf by the way I picked it up in COVID ah yeah you picked my interest I'm a big golfer I love it I love it I'm obsessed I hit around 105 but I'm getting better I used to hit like 120.

That's good. I can now use the driver. I couldn't use it for the first six months. What would you use? Three wheel? No, I would persist with it, but I couldn't get any elevation. I would persist, but I was hopeless. Right. And I was, you know, now I can, you know, every time I play,

I get three pars or something like that. Not bad. Occasionally I get it, but, you know, I do stuff. Okay. You know, I hit a 45 on the front nine the other day and I was really chuffed with myself and then I fucked it up and ended at 100. But I can see, I do like every golfer, I do those two or three shots that keep you coming back every fucking time. Yeah. That are just like, that's as good as anyone

could do that shot. That's a pro shot. Right. Because you're new enough to golf. This is how many years have you played now? Getting on to two years all the time. Yeah, that's so new. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been playing

for 20 years, something like that. On and off and on and on. What's your handicap? My index is like a four. I'm like a. Oh, you're a very good golfer. Pretty good.

Yeah. I, you know, at the place I usually play at, I'm like, I'm a seven at that club. My index is a four across the board of all the USGA, whatever that, people that don't know who don't care. But yeah, I usually shoot in the 70s, in the high 70s.

And who do you golf with? I just had Alfonso Ribeiro on here. Do you know who that is? No. No, I golf with him a lot. He played Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Him and I golf a lot. Of course I know who he is. You know Tom Dreesen? Do you know who that is? No No I golf with him a lot He played Carlton On Fresh Prince of Bel- Oh yes yes yes Him and I golf a lot

Of course I know who he is You know Tom Dreesen Do you know who that is? No I don't know anyone Well he's a You do know him Even if you don't He did the Tonight Show

More than any comic in history He was like buddies with Sinatra He was part of that group He kicks around LA still But he does He's a corporate guy at this point He's not doing He's not at the improv

On a Wednesday Right But he's a great golfer And he's always around there There's actually a lot of comics At golf We Bert Kreischer

Talked about starting a golf Comedy thing And it fell through Because of COVID It was literally The beginning of COVID We had joked about Let's do a tournament

Get together thing And all these guys responded Who golfed And there was a lot of comics At golf Yeah Chris Port I mean there's a ton of dudes

Brad Williams But Brad Williams is an excellent golfer He's a really good golfer Yeah Yeah Do you play with him? I played golfer. He's a really good golfer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You play with him?

I played once with him. He's very good. Yeah. There was probably 20, 25 golfers. Nate Bargatze is a huge golfer. He's obsessed. Nate's meant to be excellent. Yeah.

He's obsessed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. with a couple of friends who had also started. So we're all sort of at the same level. Like all kind of. But were you an athlete when you were a kid? No. No. Yeah, I was the, I'm one of the most uncoordinated people in the world, but I'm also one of the most competitive people in the world, which is not a great combo.

Terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like if you're as uncoordinated as me, you want to be a bit sort of like a bit more casual about winning. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like if you're as uncoordinated as me, you want to be a bit sort of like, uh, a bit more casual about winning. Yeah. Um, yeah, I have Jordan's competitiveness with, uh, fucking my skill. Yeah.

With your skillset. Against Jordan. I know. So Forrest, Forrest plays. Is he good? Yeah. Yeah. Forrest is a little, slightly better than me.

He's been playing a little, yeah, he plays with me. Yeah. He's, uh, he might, he looks like he might've played football when he was a kid. Yeah. Uh, uh, yeah. uh oh yeah yeah i uh wrote crew i used to be a lot trimmer i wrote crew that's actually that's very good i spent a lot of you're around him all the time yeah he opens for me and we do the podcast together so how long has he been open for you for years yeah he was one of those guys when i first moved to america before i was doing theaters or anything i i just i went and gigged and i did like marco island captain brian's i did off the hook i was there i did that fucking club and he opened for me and then i and then i did like the one in coconut grove the

improv there i think it's an improv and then i just i i just had a couple of weekends where he just showed up and then i just started requesting him and And then ever since I've just, you know, he's been opening for me and we've been, he worked on my TV show. He's a great guy. Yeah. No, he's a good dude. Yeah. Very funny guy. Um, the, the captain Brian's, I'll tell you my captain Brian's story, right?

I had a couple of captain Brian's story. One where it just, there was like four people showed up when I first got to America. Oh dude. And then I said, let's just fucking have dinner together to the audience i said let's all just sit down and we'll all order the fucking lobster or whatever they're fucking doing and i'll tell you a few stories like we're at a dinner party i think that might be better was probably better it was better it was better experience for everyone better for me better for them it was better for everyone and then another time i went there and it was, um, it was Thanksgiving weekend.

And I believe that, uh, Megan Fox comes from that area. Really? She does. She's a Marco Island girl. Yeah. She was back there for Thanksgiving and she was there with Brian Austin Green. At your show. Yeah.

But this is 12 years ago or something like that. Like, like this is like her in the beginning of Transformers type of time. Right. So the hottest woman on earth or whatever. And she was in a baseball cap and she had a hair tied back and she was with her sister and her brother-in-law and her brother-in-law seemed to be some guy in construction or something.

And, uh, uh, so the four of them were sitting there and I didn't sort of recognize, I recognized him, but I didn't really recognize her. Then afterwards. Says a lot about you, by I didn't really recognize her. Then afterwards. Says a lot about you, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, it does. Yeah.

Oh, Brian. Well, I grew up watching 90210. I knew who he was. I know. Anyway, so. Eyes are glued to Brian. So then afterwards I figured out, I went, oh God, that's Megan Fox. He's married to Megan Fox.

Fucking hell, that's Megan Fox. And so after the show, there was maybe 12 people in the audience in this little tiny thing. They were just trying to find something to do with their night before Thanksgiving, you know, go out with the family. Anyway, so I'm standing outside. I'm probably smoking. Oh, I was. And Brian Austin Green walks up to me and he goes, hey, you got a light on you? And I was like, yeah, gave him the light and then he said so uh what gigs you've been doing are you traveling around or whatever i like your show

whatever you've been very nice like that and then megan fox walked up to brian austin green and goes uh goes have you got the lighter on your hun and then he pulled the lighter out of his pocket and i was like yeah you just wanted to talk to. You already had a fucking lighter and you knew it. Yeah. Brian Austin Green is a fan, dude. And he was like, yeah, you got me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, right?

You got me. Anyway, so then I sat and I drank with Brian and Megan for a couple of hours, right? Wow. And so we're drinking. And then word got out in this little tiny, you know, island, Marco Island, that Megan Fox was in this bar, in this corner.

People just showed up and just started staring through the window at her, you know what I mean, in the bar. And person after person would come up to her and go, hi, can I have a photo? And she would go, look, and understandably so, she was regarded as still the best looking woman in the world at that stage. Sure. And so she wasn't done up, her hair wasn't done, her makeup wasn't done,

she was wearing a ball cap and they're like, can I have a photo? And she's like, I don't do photos but I'll sign anything you want. That's nice, that's a good exchange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they were like this. And so one afternoon I was like, hey, it's so nice to see you and I don't do photos but I will sign anything you want, over and over and over again. And then this big sort of fat guy who looked like the comic book guy from The Simpsons walks up. And he's from England.

And he walks up and goes, can I have a photo? And remember, I just played in front of like 12 people. Can I have a photo? Megan Fox goes, I don't do photos. I will sign anything you want. And he goes goes jim i've been watching you for years i watched you in the comedy store like 10 years ago in london and all that type of stuff and i was like i do do photos and megan fox took the camera and took the photo and that guy would have never known that megan fox didn't give a shit no he didn't even know it was her oh it, it's brilliant. Oh my god. So he got a photo taken by Megan Fox

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Ginger. I like gingers. How fucking amazing. He probably didn't care. He wouldn't give a fuck. No, he didn't care. He came to see you. Yeah, he came to see me.

I can't believe she's... I didn't know she was from that. I lost my virginity on that island. Well, I'm not going to say for sure she's from that island or maybe her sister's from that island, but she was definitely doing Thanksgiving with her family there.

Okay, I just stomped on your story. You just said you lost your virginity on that island. And I just acted like you said nothing. Yeah, no, no, no. I've said it on the show before. They know. I've talked about it.

That's where I lost my, Marco Island was the place of magic. Condom broke too, first go. Oh, good. Yeah, real good. Bit of fun. Yeah, a lot of fun. A lot of fun. A lot of freak out, a lot of fun. Condom broke. I always say that about like... I'm doing a routine at the moment about how the gays of short course, you have the AIDS thing and that's... But that's all... What is that?

Yeah. The AIDS thing? Yeah, like the gays have the AIDS thing, you see. The HIV and the AIDS thing. What is it? Oh, it's an immune have the AIDS thing, you see The HIV and the AIDS thing Oh, it's an immune disorder Go on That goes through blood, right? But you know what's scarier?

Having a baby Having a baby That leaves you with more A broken condom When you're a teenager Will leave you with much more fear Right Than gay anal sex

Right Like gay anal sex You go, at least I'm not going to be a dad Right So the condom broke Did you come inside it? Sure did Sure did

Let it sit Yeah How old were you? It felt so good 16 Yeah Perfect timing Captain Morgan's

We traded a bottle of Captain Morgan For a hotel room Because we were staying with family So a guy had An older dude had a hotel room And I gave him a bottle of Captain Morgan's For his hotel room I was like Can I have it for a couple hours we were there for six minutes five five and a half minutes came right back out real sad real depressed real sad

it was miserable as shit she hated every second of it and it was seconds and then condom broke and i panicked for the next you know i i four months i lost my virginity in, okay. So I lost my virginity in this place in Sydney. That was, um, just a, you know, a little apartment above some shops in a thing where the girl lived. How old were you? I was, I was, I was January. You were January years old? No, it was, it was in January and I was 15. My birthday's in February.

Ah, so you're about to be 16. I was about to be 16. So 15 is a bit of a bullshit to January and I was 15. My birthday's in February. So you were about to be 16. I was about to be 16. So 15's a bit of a bullshit to go, I was 15. I was deep into my 15. And I hadn't kissed a girl until I was 14. So it all really ramped up pretty quick. Kiss fuck? Yeah, kiss fuck.

That's it. Straight in. I went, kiss finger. Fuck. Pretty quick, the dominoes fell. You hit a button and got a home run immediately after That's good That's good man

And then But what I do is now to this day It's on a fairly main road A fairly main road in Roseville in Sydney And you have to drive this If you're coming from the city to my parents house You have to drive along this road And every time I drive along the road

When I'm back in Australia I do the same joke. I point at the window and I go, there it is, everyone. They haven't put the statue up and not even a plaque or anything. You feel like this is some historical spot of significance. I do this same joke all the time. It's a dad, such a dad joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I point it out to every new girl I've ever brought to Australia. I go, there it is. That's where the magic started but never ended. Anyway, so I do all that. I've done this joke for so many years that my sister-in-law rear-ended a car as she was driving by because she had that natural reaction to look up at the window because I always do. She had to look up, give a little acknowledgement,

and smoked another car. That's family, though, man. At least she knows And recognizes your history And your past I know where it is That molded who you are Where's that girl today? Well

Okay so I Don't use my last name I use my middle name As a stage name Sure My last name is Nugent What? Like Ted Nugent

Really? Yeah my real last name is Nugent That's why the gun thing Doesn't go over well I know Isn't it amazing That I could have been The other famous Nugent

That's the anti-gun guy Like Nugent versus Nugent. They would have, things would have gone down. Yeah, man, you'd be way more famous. Wait, why did Nugent go away? Ah, just Jeffrey sounds better. Jim Jeffrey's Jim Nugent. I guess Nugent isn't a nice sounding name.

Yeah, I was brought on stage the first time, and Jeffrey Nugent, someone called me Godfrey Nugent or something. It's just like Godfrey Nugent me godfrey nugget or something it's just like godfrey i'd like godfrey godfrey nugget godfrey nugget's hilarious mr nugget yeah yeah so nugent's tough it also can be mispronounced so often like when you were a kid in school were they saying it's more common in america than it is in australia i i never met another nugent in australia i'm sure there are some but i never met any british is british it's i don't never met them in in england there's loads of them i meet them in america huh um so uh what was i talking about no you switch you took

out your life so they got the last name so i was telling a story or something like that about you know a girl i had sex with or losing my virginity or something like that and the girl i lost my virginity's to sister was in the audience, but she didn't know because I'd changed my name. Because she remembered me that I had changed my name from the thing. So that's quite interesting. That's wild. Yeah, yeah.

She was in the crowd. She was in the crowd. And she's just like, what the fuck? That's my sister. That's Godfrey Nugget. I love you, Godfrey Nugget. You should actually do a tour as Godfrey Nugget. I love you, Godfrey Nugget. You should actually do a tour as Godfrey Nugget, your alter ego, this other personality you get to create.

Are you making a special right now? Are you working on an hour? Well, I have a new sort of hour and a half that I'm doing on tour at the moment. And I record the special. I don't want to do it too quickly because then I'll burn the material. I want to, you know, this material's got a little bit more touring time before I record it.

So maybe 10 months, 11 months, and then release it in a few months after that. So there should be a special, you know, in a year or so. Are you going to go back to Netflix or do it somewhere else? I have another one with Netflix that I'm going to do. So you have a deal with them, yeah. Well, it's over after this special, but I have another one with Netflix. I don't think I'm going to do any more specials.

I think this is me done for specials, at least for a period of time, for a few years. Your boy Leno never did one. He never did one? It was a great interview I read. It was Rolling Stone maybe. They were like, why do you choose not to do one? All your peers are doing them over the years.

Some guys who never did one or haven't done one, like Romano put out a new one on Netflix a couple couple years ago he was like i just love live comedy so much i'm passionate about doing performing live come see me i want you to come see me live enough people already know me that if i'm there they'll see me live i kind of like that idea i don't know if that's the answer for everybody but i like it might mean that everyone goes away if i don't do specials but for him it's like people will still come and see that's what i mean mean. I think it doesn't work for everyone, but I like the idea was like, yeah, he doesn't need it. It's cool to just keep that secret of like, oh, you want to see it?

You got to go see it live. Seinfeld didn't really put out a ton of specials either. I mean, there's not a lot of guys that- He put out one special, which was retiring his material. I don't want to shit on Seinfeld. No, no, no, go ahead. One of them was like, I'm telling you for the last time. That was the thing.

These jokes, you'll never hear them again. Yeah. Right? You get in a car, you get on a bus. It started with a funeral. People throwing the jokes into a coffin. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, this is the end of these jokes. You'll never hear them again. Then he did a documentary called Comedian, maybe a decade later, that was all about him writing a new set. It's like, can you believe it? Twelve years later. Yeah. And then he did another special that went over all of his jokes

where he re-did half the ones, but he sold you for the last one. I know. And then he did another. So he's really got two specials. Yeah, two. But he's one of those guys that believes in the whole theory that it should be you don't throw away a good bit, you keep it going. And I'm sort of in either, I don't know,

because I'm thinking of after this tour doing a greatest hits tour. That's kind of fun. Because people go, oh, why don't you do the gun thing, the muscular dystrophy thing. I have some big set pieces, you know, and I feel like if I just choose five of them and just go, all right, these are my most requested bits, and people go in with the knowledge. No one can go, oh, stale material that I've heard before. It'll be easy for me. I think the crowd will like it. Maybe it won't work. And I'll be able to tell quite quickly within

a few shows if people don't dig it people want the hits man yeah yeah they do at some point when you've created a library or you've cultivated such a big fan base that loves and appreciate those you can also do what rock stars do when they return into a fucking reunion tour they sprinkle in some new shit but then they play a bunch of those hits yeah yeah you've you've had enough to i feel the same way though that is weird thing that like we're expected to pump out so much fucking material where great artists made some of the same art all the fucking time well this is part of the reason why i think this next special will be my ninth right so many fucking specials and it's like and some of them went for like an hour 20 it's it's almost 10 hours

of stand-up right when you add it all together It's too much And you're like 10 hours of stand-up It's like And then people go It's not It's not his best special And you're like What the fuck do you want I thought it was good

I put all my heart and soul into it You know what I mean Yeah And then It's like I feel a bit like Billy Joel Just told

After the River of Dreams Fucking album Told us all to fuck off In about 1992. Yeah, it was great. And he was bringing album, album, album. He goes, people stopped listening to it.

People still went and saw him. But it's like, name me the last five Paul McCartney albums. Fuck. You know what I mean? The man's arguably the greatest songwriter, living songwriter on earth. Statistically, he is. Yeah, sure. You can't argue with that.

Hits wise, no. Statistically, he is. And no one gives a fuck When he brings out A new album No one gives He still sells the concerts Yeah But it's like

There comes like a shelf life Even I think of like comedians And I won't say who But comedians that I really like And then I've gotten fatigued I've just like Haven't seen their last Couple of specials

Yeah but that happens With everybody at some point And also Paul is probably Putting out albums the way that other people do, just the same way that fucking McDonald's has commercials. You're like, I don't need to see a fucking... I know McDonald's. Everyone knows McDonald's. You have to kind of show face to keep it in the zeitgeist of people's brain.

A guy like Paul McCartney, if he's not writing songs, what's he doing? You know what I mean? That's all he needs. Did you watch the documentary? I did, I loved it It's funny, a lot of people said they loved it I'm torn because parts of it were so overlapped That there was so much talking, talking, talking I'm super into the Beatles

Yeah, I like it So I loved it, right? But if you're a casual Beatle fan I imagine it would be boring as fuck I mean, no, what I loved the most was watching Paul, what was the most impressive, and if you haven't seen it, too fucking bad, but watching Paul hum a tune and find the words. It's wild to watch that happen for him to go,

and then he keeps doing it over and over until you hear him physically find get back, get back, get back. That to me, you watch somebody fucking painting. It's like watching when you finally see a painting come to life. You're like, holy fuck. Now I see what they're creating. That's hard to capture. I can't believe they got some of that stuff. I enjoyed watching how clearly threatened they were by George Harrison.

Yeah, they kicked him the fuck out. It was so funny. Well, he left. He left, but it's also like he's just like this. I've got this other song. He's like doing something and all this type of stuff, right? And they're just like, yeah, it's good. You got a song there.

Go play it in the corner. Yeah, yeah, but it's like they knew how good he'd gotten. Well, that's why they threatened him with Clapton all the time. I think it was so weird to have Clapton's name thrown around. Like, well, you know, go get fucking Eric. He'll play it. It was such a rude way of saying like, well, you know, we could just get a great guitarist to replace you.

Well, that's basically what George Harrison's wife did. Replaced him with Clapton. I know. That's so fucked up. That's so fucked up. George Harrison must have just walked around all the time, fucking Clapton Piece of shit

He did kind of He became that Looming thing They held over his head Which was so not fair And when he You know When Harrison

When Harrison Continually threatened To quit You could feel That they were Calling his bluff They were like You know

Oh come on You're not gonna Fucking quit It was such a Bully mentality To watch those two guys Push him right out And Ringo the whole time Was also you got to remember that like so i think john was four years older than correct yeah they met when they were like 14 and 15 16 or 17 or something

he was no it was like 14 17 yeah 13 and 17 or something like that and when you're 17 hanging out with 13 year olds you're like all right all right, dude. It's a little kid. Yeah. It's a little kid. It's a little kid. And that never goes away from you. My brother is, I have two brothers. My eldest brother, who's, who's seven years older than me.

I'm 44 year old, man. Talks to me like I'm a child all the time. It'll never leave him because I'm in his eyes. I'm a child. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's just like, I don't think it ever left them. And at that stage, they were in their 30s, and he was like 27 or something.

And they were just like this fucking guy. Oh, fucking rat. Yeah. Well, that's the same. My sister's a grown woman, but she's my little baby sister. It's impossible to look, especially when you grow up together. They literally grew up as kids together. It's hard to give any respect because you're the older brother the whole time.

Oh, when they went to Hamburg, you've got to think think about it so they go to hamburg and they're playing like eight hour shifts and they're they're in the red light district all their girlfriends were like hookers and strippers and shit like that harrison was 17 fucking hell man that would have been an eye-opening fucking trip i know i would have well i would have gotten lost in the sauce there's no way i would have made it out alive of that i have just been hookered out for like fucking a month straight staying in there at 17 and rich. It's insane. 17 in a rock band? Oh no, this is when they were poor in a rock band. Oh yeah, that's right. This is when they played in Hamburg before they made it type of thing. And it's like that, fuck like

he would have been able to do it, but my mother never would have let me. I don't care. I remember once when I was a kid, I was in, when I was a kid, when I was in my twenties or late teens or whatever like that, I was in a shopping mall in Australia and I saw two of the members of Silverchair with their parents walking around the mall shopping for clothes. They were like 14 when they brought out Frogstomp Frogstomp was I think 16 is what I remember

Oh okay something They were very young It was when that album Just came out And they were with their mum Shopping for clothes It was insane And you're like

But that's what you do Your mum fucking goes out And takes you out You gotta get new school pants Alright You gotta get new band pants all right you gotta get new band pants we need pants for the next show you guys are playing it is funny you would imagine the parents had no idea how unbelievably globally popular that album became until they probably

you know like you know when you started to do stuff and your family would be like are you playing a little show and you're like yeah it's 3 000 people yeah i'm doing a little i i had a god i don't want to get in trouble but i had to get in trouble i had a mother-in-law of one of my brothers let's put it that way and i don't know if she ever she doesn't dislike me as such but she's always she's known me since i was a little boy and so she thinks i'm a moron which anyone who's known me since they're a child is pretty safe checks outed out, yeah. Yeah. And so we were at Christmas and she goes to me, she goes, so you're still doing comedy like that? And I was like, yeah, I did Carnegie Hall this year.

Right? I just went, yeah, I did Carnegie Hall this year. And she went, I don't think that happened. Good for her. Well, it did. My dad just looks at me like, what are you farting about here, man? But then you look stupid no matter what you say. She's like, it didn't.

And you're like, yes, it did. So defensive. I'll prove it. Look at my tour schedule. Look. It's so funny because we still, because of our career and what we've chosen, even though you're so successful, we're still a joke to people who do job jobs. They're like, well, they're fucking. No, no, no.

There's people in your family who think you fell ass backwards into a career. Right. Like it's pure luck and you didn't do anything to get there. You fucking old Godfrey over there did nothing. You just fucking. You know what I mean? Like, it's it's um yeah yeah both my brothers i think like i've got one brother who thinks that i think he thinks he's funnier than

me of course which in many ways he was the funnier one when we were growing up he was the funnier one yeah look as in wittier or quicker louder i think yeah just louder just soaked up the room yeah i feel like i feel like he was uh he he just kept on giving lines until one of them hit. I feel like I waited for my moment and then went in there and then ducked in and out. That's where you get the bigger laughs. I think I had more quality over quantity, but we can't prove this. There's no recordings. It was the 90s.

No one was recording anything. Right, right. But still, though, you know you would wait and attack when the moment was right. But he's a big supporter of me doing stand-up. So he's – my family, my – I'll give this up for my mum and dad that for all that they really didn't want me to do it, but then when I made a go of it and all that type of stuff,

they never – my mother was a very strict woman. And, you know, I told some horrible jokes about my parents, real, where they came off quite racist. I said some nasty shit about my parents. I talked about my mother's weight. I did some really pretty hard stuff on them. They never complained once. I think that was the best gift they ever got me.

They just was like, as long as he's not asking us for our money. Right, right If this is the way he makes money It's okay They never complained They never had to apologize They probably were smart enough to know That behind all that was

Part of the That's part of the act That's part of the show I couldn't perform with my mother in the room She came to a few shows And I just I was sweating I was that fear sweat

That smells worse What is it? Do you think it's like Think she'll call out a piece of a joke that she knows is embellished or hyperbolized yeah there's a bit of that but also like i never did that yeah yeah if you keep looking at him you know like you know when there's like a family member you tell a joke and then you look at him or if there's someone like really i remember once i was at the improv and paul mccartney was at the improv and i couldn't focus and i i never met him he was just remember once I was at the improv and Paul McCartney was at the improv and I couldn't focus.

And I never met him. He was just sitting in the corner of the improv, right? And they said, Paul's here, right? And I was like, what the fuck? I was just going down to do five minutes. And I was doing like an anal sex joke and I kept checking, kept checking. Is it okay with Paul? And then you think, Paul laughed at the anal sex joke. Paul's probably had anal sex. And that's the same thing.

I don't want my mom laughing at the fucking anal sex joke. That's going to make it awkward for me. If she does laugh, she doesn't laugh. She's disappointed in me. It's a no-win situation. You don't want to do anal sex jokes in front of your mom. It's just that's an easy standard. In front of your dad, different story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad brings his mates Right And then like his mates Get all fucking They all get like

So these are all old blokes Who when I was a kid Were you know Younger than I am now Right You know what I mean They were just the men That lived in the

35 year old men That lived in the street Right And you know I knew them as Mr. Peterson And Mr. Stevens And Mr.

You know what I mean And now they all Fucking get in their fucking station wagon. They go, all right, Jim, we're all going to come and see your show. And they're all fucking 80-year-old cunts like that, right? And because they're coming to see a dirty show, they just let it rip in the car. Oh, this fucking chick, she had some big fucking tits on her. They're talking about some girl that worked at a bar,

and I'm like, boys, calm down. Behave. Please. It's dirty to you. Yeah. Your fucking filth buckets closed. Slow it down.

They're all talking about, because they're all old and none of them can use the internet, right? These old blokes, they don't even know

how to use porn. Right. How do they get porn? They don't, like, what do they, do they even know? They all started

talking about it. They was like, oh, this fucking, you know, that Katy Perry on that California song where she's got the cream coming out. Oh, my God.

And I was just like, that's what they'll fucking pour Katy Perry. They're jerking off to stills, to image stills. I'll tell you a funny story. So my mother passes away. Hilarious. That's the funniest part. Yeah, my mother passes away. So my father, who has never had a phone, inherits my mother's phone.

Never had a cell phone. Never had a cell phone his whole life. And so now it's like there's all these texts from my mother, like right before she died, very sweet, loving texts. And then it's just like the next text is like, call me, Gary. Right? Like he puts his name at the end of texts, right? In case you don't know. Yeah, yeah.

And so anyway, so he also inherited my mother's apps. And so my mother had an Instagram account. And what she followed on Instagram was all of her grandchildren, me, and some arts and crafts sites. And that's all she followed. And I followed my mother back. And she'd put up pictures of her with the grandchildren or something. and I followed my mother back, you know, and she'd put up pictures of her with the grandchildren or something, yeah.

Anyway, so my father, so it's like my mother was talking from the grave because about six months ago out of nowhere, my mother started following a lot of porn stars. I think my dad didn't know that people could see who you followed. So my mother, the last like post of her is like a whole lot of people writing, didn't know that people could see who you're following. So my mother, the last post of her is like a whole lot of people writing, Carolyn, you'll be missed. Oh, this is such a sad day. I can't believe she's gone.

And then she's following like 60 or 70 posters. Wait till he starts commenting on their pages. They're going to be like, Carolyn? Love the jugs in this pic So I was looking through comments This is like a year before I don't look at any of them anymore But I was looking through comments And

There was like people There's people who are I don't find this guy funny This guy's a hack The mundane You know things Who gives a fuck Right

But then there was like Someone's like I hope this guy gets fucking shot at one of his gigs and he gets aids and his fucking kids die like a real aids and get shot yeah like yeah but like nasty why don't these there was two messages that was so fucking nasty yeah i'm like all right well i gotta block these people yeah right and i gotta block them and someone liked both of the messages and I'm like Well I'm gonna fucking Block this cunt as well Who fucking liked them

Right And I go to hit on the like It's me fucking mum Me mum liked it Right Of course And she goes I thought I was flagging it

Yeah Doesn't a heart mean flag Doesn't the like mean If I heart it I'm flagging it How powerful Would it have been Like I hope this fucking guy dies.

Oh, his mom's like this. Yeah, but that's the thing. Half of the time, those dudes fucking love you. That's just the troll to get your attention anyway. Most of the time, the guy that's like, fuck you the most, he likes you. The guy that just is like, fuck this guy and unfollows you, that's who actually doesn't like you. The guy that follows you all the time, there's a comedian, Gabby Lamb. Do you know who that is? No, I don't. She does a great post. was about to go oh gabby yeah she does great stuff on on her dad's her dad's facebook page she'll screenshot

it and then she'll put it up and talk about it right and it's him commenting on like chicks pages and liking a photo he thinks no one can see she's been like you know we we all see it when you put that up and there's like a hot young chick and he'll be like show a little more next time dot dot dot she's like i we fucking see it we all see it he still thinks he's mad he's like i'm messaging the girls directly the scary thing about my parents disconnect from social is that they neither are on it my mom has one just to look at my page but so often i wish i could filter what my mom sees through mine because i'll put shit up that i'm like i don't want her to fucking see this yeah it's fine with some of it but some of it i'm like

i don't want to fucking see this boss it's it's uh it's a little like if i put a picture of you and me up and i'm like you know new guy i've been fucking yeah she doesn't need to see that doesn't need to see it yeah she knows it she doesn't need to see that. She doesn't need to see it. Yeah, she knows it. She doesn't need to see it. No, no, no, no, no. And then I'll put something up on my page with a bit of cum on my face. Just did the podcast. Had a good time.

Eyes closed. Shut together. Oh, I had a fan put up. Okay, so I used to have this joke. I made a national holiday, April 18th, which was anal sex day, which was the counteract Valentine's Day, which is awful. That was the core of the routine.

Right. So a lot of people show up to my shows with April 18th T-shirts because you've got to be in the know. That's like something they do. I don't sell them, but they just make them themselves. Someone had Jim Jefferies, April 18th, written above their asshole, their tattoo. No. Right?

And I was like, that's you really. You posted that, have you? Yeah. Anal sex. Like, you must be an orphan, surely. Right, right. No family, no family, no family. Please.

A full tattoo of anal 18th. April 18th. Anal 18th, for sure. It got a bit of momentum for a while, April 18th April 18th Anal 18th For sure It got a bit of momentum For a while April 18th With Pornhub We're only putting up

Anal clips for that day On the front page Right And I was like Wow I've made it Is this official If I google it right now Will it say

I don't know if it'll be official But you If you put April 18th anal Yeah I know Well yeah If I do that for any date It'll come up

If I do March 14th anal, it'll go here's a bunch of anal stories from March 14th. April 18th. Let's just see first a couple of things that pop up. I've never Googled it, but let's see. This is no, this is a bunch of historic famous birthdays. Kourtney Kardashian and Conan O'Brien.

Two famous anal connoisseurs. Yeah, yeah, true that. Rose Huntington Whitley. No, there is no, today in history, how about this? Let's do this. Let me give you, oh, Jim Jefferies. There it is. There it is.

So it did come up. Yeah. In this day in history, by the way, hey, 1983, April 18th, 63 people, including 17 Americans, were killed at the U.S. Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon by a suicide bomber. What a day.

I've never understood that, including 17 Americans. Well, we have to stand out. No, but you know when you have like a plane crashes and you go, and everyone died on the plane. There was two Americans aboard. Oh, that makes it a real tragedy. Oh, I didn't know you had two of them. And every country does it. They do it in Australia.

Four Australians. Right. Our own. I remember when 9-11 happened. I've got a great memory Yeah And I just remember it Where were you? Which tower were you in? I'll tell you where I was

I was packing my suitcase To move to England the next day On my big adventure That was the last time I lived in Australia The last day I lived in Australia No shit Was the day before that Wow

But in Australia we call it 11-9 Because the month goes after the date Right You do it your way We do it our way Yeah But so I

What was I thinking 9-11 9-11 9-11 9-11 But I had something Oh that's right So at that stage

I was watching it from the news in Australia At that stage The Australian Prime Minister I think was meeting for some summit Or meeting the Prime Minister the next day, the President the next day or something. So the Australian Prime Minister was in Washington, right? And then they hit the Pentagon. And the news was like this. And I remember thinking, oh, come on now, Australia. They were like this.

We've just had reports. We've just had reports. The Australian Prime Minister has been moved into a bunker. He is secure. The terrorists don't know that the Australian bloke's there. And plus, we will do it on this day, because that is when the Australian Prime Minister is in town. Death to Australia! So it's funny how we all think we're the center of the fucking world

Of course And the Australians are like Oh thank god he's secure Who is that by the way? Who is the Australian Prime Minister? At that stage it was a guy called John Howard Was the Prime Minister What a boring fucking name

Yeah John Howard He was Prime Minister for maybe like 10, 12 years or something You should run for Prime Minister under Godfrey Nuggets. I was doing a right, because I'm about to tour Australia again in June, July. I saw you post that because you had to repost from the COVID shit. The COVID thing. Yeah. So I'm going to New Zealand again.

And so I did some press. I did a New Zealand radio show. And one of the radio DJs goes to me like, so Jom, have you been keeping up with Kiwi politics? Oh God. Like this, right? What? And I'm like, Kiwi, they call themselves Kiwi. No, I know, but why? Kiwi politics. And I went, mate, I haven't kept up with Australian politics. What are you talking about? Have I kept up with the politics of a country of 3 million people? No. It's like that's less than half of LA. It's santa monica

as much as i've kept up with fiji politics right you know what i mean like i don't fucking know what you do know a lot about ironically enough the water the dancing the poolery type thing they've got it all going on in fiji i i i so jack my assistant there isn't sitting in the corner staring jack is here with us although we've pushed him away in the corner, and he's just nodding away with his dick out. So Jack comes over to me like this. He goes, you got some New Zealand radio tonight, right? And I was like, all right, I'll do New Zealand radio. So he goes, I'll come over and set it up for you.

He goes, they want to do it via Zoom. It's just radio, but they get a better signal on Zoom. No problem. So I got the newborn baby, and the baby just vomited on my fucking chest. Now I wear a hat on podcast because I've got shit hair and I don't feel like doing it. I can do it to look nice, but otherwise I just, you can see my scalp and all that type of stuff. And I just fucking wear a hat. You know what I mean?

So my hair wasn't done. I had fucking vomit on my fucking shirt and everything to do this radio. And then I get in the Zoom, I put the headphones on. They go, okay, welcome to the project. You'll be on air in five. I was on fucking TV. Oh, fuck. I was doing a live feed to one of their fucking.

Is that his fault? It's his fault, yeah. You little piece of shit. You didn't tell him, huh? And so I'm just sitting there with vomit and fucking me hair like this. And also with radio, you're doing a five-minute radio in New Zealand. You don't prepare anything. You hope that it's just a chat like this.

Easy. With TV, you've got to have something ready to go, some idea of what you might, some story you might tell. I was just like this, oh, come to the show. Yeah. Like, thanks, Jim. Bye. Bye.

Thanks. And they're like this, you're with Max, Sicko and Mark. Oh, hey guys. Like New Zealand comics I've never heard of. Hey boys. And they're like this You're with Max Sicko and Mark Oh hey guys And I'm like Like some New Zealand comics I've never heard of Hey boys And they're your biggest They love you

Oh no New Zealand I'm not I do alright in Australia I sell very well in Australia You don't do well in New Zealand? I do okay in New Zealand I do okay

I still Yeah I still do fine But I don't do as well As I do in Australia That's wild Do you think there'd be more support? No I've slagged off New Zealand A lot throughout my career

So what? If anything I really need to apologise I've said a lot of nasty things about the New Zealand people. Let's add something else to the fire. They're okay. I went and did a tour there and they've got some nice places and they've got some other places that aren't as fun. I'm trying to be diplomatic here. That's a sweet way of saying fuck that place. We'll go see them if you're down there. By the way, I'm trying to be diplomatic here. That's a sweet way of saying fuck that place. I still haven't sold out the tickets. No, no. Well, go see him if you're down there. By the way, I want to tell you, I didn't, we skipped fast, but I got to tell you, this anal April 18th is huge.

1775, April 18th is Paul Revere began this famous ride from Charlestown to Mass. So, seriously. With a strap on on his saddle, bouncing up and down as he went. We have to add an anal part to all this. I'm coming. I'm coming! I'm coming! Who? The British, I mean.

1923, the first game was played at Yankee Stadium. How far? How far? That's the first game of Yankee Stadium in anal 18.

In the new Yankee Stadium or the old Yankee Stadium? The original. Oh, the original. And they give out that night. It was anal bead night. That's how they invented the bobble head.

That's right. Because you go like this when they pull them out. In 1938, Superman, Man of Steel, made his debut as the first issue of Action Comics on April 18th. Dude, this date is actually extremely important in history. I just threw that day out there just as a random day when I was on stage. I went, fine, that's as good as any fucking day. I didn't know it was so jam-packed with history. Packed.

I mean, seriously. It's like the as any fucking day. I didn't know it was so jam-packed with history. I mean, seriously. It's like the anal sex just fades into the background. And in, oh, look at this. 10 years ago on April 18th, anal 18th, President Barack Obama, you know him? Yeah, I remember him. He offered a spirit of cooperation

to America's hemispheric neighbors at the summit, at the summit port of Spain in Trinidad. Look at this, dude. What do you reckon he does now does he still do i think he's got a netflix deal for 400 million dollars and he's gonna make some netflix shows i think they have shows i think i think him and michelle obama got like a netflix overall deal to do docu-series narrative television who fucking gives a shit they got all the money in the world i think he's just hanging out i think he being a president must be the most miserable bullshit on earth.

And finally you get to be a human again. To a degree. Why would you want to do it? I don't understand. That's why I feel like anyone who becomes president, anyone, even, they're all there for the wrong reasons. Of course. Because who the fuck would want to, you have to be a narcissist on some level.

Like us. To think, I want to be in charge of everything. Sure. And then fight through it. Fight tooth and nail to fucking become the person who's in charge of fucking everything. To get paid fuck all and get criticized nonstop. And you might get assassinated. Why the fuck would you want to do that?

Maybe the assassination is kind of part of the gig. I would like that. Shoot at them more. We got to start shooting at him more is what jim is saying i don't want to get in trouble for that i bet you're getting arrested for that no i think you know what's so funny i do think that like i would assume that a good portion of people that get into high-end politics like that to the top not local politics but i i assume most of them actually give a fuck i do believe it in my heart but at some point you can't give a fuck anymore it gets diluted there's too much bureaucracy how would you go for an election when they're going to dig up every bit of dirt of every stupid

thing you've ever said in your entire life they're going to question your relatives the thing and go that's something i'd still like to go through yeah a nightmare fuck but wouldn't you feel more comforted if more of these people We could dig up more dirt from them To me The more dirt we have The more dirt that comes out of people I go alright they're human That makes me feel a little bit more comforted

Look in When they have zero dirt I get really weird In 20 years We're gonna have a female president No That we've seen Not on my watch Jim

You'll be dead by then Yeah That we've seen Loads of their nudes. They'll just be like, because that's what everyone's done. They've sent them to somebody. Yeah, someone's got them. And there won't be a girl 20 years from now who hasn't sent a nude.

They've all sent a nude. And same with men and whatever. They've done some stupid. Every president will have had a dick pic for sure. Yeah. Yeah, dick pic press. Yeah, and we'll just say it. We'll just go, all right, day one of the election. You know what we don't get the dick pic for sure Yeah Yeah dick pic pres Yeah and we'll just say it We'll just go Alright day one of the election

You know what we don't get the dick pic about Until the two month mark Well if it's a really nice dick Yeah yeah Then you really want to vote for the guy What if they just put a picture of their dicks To vote in the booth Which president do you reckon had the nicest dick?

In the history of our country Yeah Or recently I would say I would probably I said I bet you Clinton's got a hog I bet you he's got a can I reckon he's got a nice one He's got a big old fucking Coke can cock said I bet you Clinton's got a hog I bet you he's got a can

I bet you he's got a nice one He's got a big old Fucking Coke can cock Yeah I bet you George Bush Senior Had a long skinny dick

Yeah I reckon George Bush Senior Had a big flaccid dick But maybe not a big hard dick But he was one of those guys That walked around Long skinny dick And dangled around

Yeah Who had What president had the smallest dick? Oh You know Don't go easy Don't go the easy route No I think

Nixon looks like a small dick type of guy He does He does Because he's very like Creepy He looks like a penis a little bit A little scrouchy Cold penis

I reckon I reckon Gerald Ford Might have had a hog on him You think Ford had a big dick? Yeah What about Here's something controversial I reckon Kennedy

Had an average dick Yeah he looks like's something controversial I reckon Kennedy Had an average dick Yeah he looks like A normal cock kind of guy Yeah yeah Irish Irish Massachusetts Rich Yeah

Connecticut or whatever All that All that over there Is small dick stuff Half of these people Listening are like Fuck you That's their whole heritage

You know You know what you are Yeah you know what you are I did an outdoor gig The other day Like yesterday And it was freezing Fucking cold

I went to the urinal My dick was a fucking center. It had curled up like a turtle head. Like this? Yeah. I'm circumcised, and it was underneath the foreskin that was left. It was just like, ah, it was so cold. Well, it has to pull it over itself to get warm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's instinct. No, no, in the cold, it does that. My dick gets smaller before I go on stage. There's something about fear dick. Me too. Fear dick. My dick goes small right before I step on stage.

Yeah. But then, as the act starts, my dick starts to drop back into its original spot. Correct. By the time I get off stage, my dick's back to normal. But right before I go on stage, my dick's small. Me too. I have fear dick. We have fear dick, you and I. A couple of fear dicks over here. And it's like, that's why I don't feel like I'm nervous. I don't feel like I'm worried. But my dick does the same thing every time. There must be something in my subconscious. There's a correlation between anxiety and excitement. because I'm not nervous. My dick gets small because I'm so excited to get out, and then I think

the dick doesn't know if we're going to war. I think your dick's got to be close to your body if you're fighting at war. That's what I think it is. Your dick's popped in so in case someone goes to punch you there, he's saved himself. He's ducking a punch. He's ducking and diving. I don't reckon anyone before they go into a boxing meet is flopping around, are they? No chance. Or UFC. Their dick's shrinking up.

Unless you're a thick enough dick kind of guy where it's never going to change. I imagine Mike Tyson's dick was always as big as it was going to be. Yeah. I don't think he ever got a fear dick. I know that high-pitched voice. I imagine he had little balls. I know that's not exactly You know, not an exact thing But I feel like he's a small testicle fella

You heard it here first, Mike Tyson You're getting called out by Jim Jeffers Yeah man I'll fucking fight you man, come on I would pay all the money in the world to see that I'm a terrible athlete, as I've said But what I do is I am better than some people

At certain stages in life. So right after the car accident, I was officially a better golfer than Tiger Woods. There was a window where I was a better golfer than Tiger Woods. Short amount of time. Towards the end of Muhammad Ali's life, I was a better boxer. I just was. There was no argument that right towards the end, I was a better boxer than Muhammad Ali. When he was on the bed in a ventilator.

When he was there burning his arm at the fucking Olympics Holding the torch I could have beat the shit out of that guy That's so incredible We are better than some people at one point in the lifespan The last couple of weeks of Maradona's life I probably would Actually we still would have been a better soccer player

There's no way Are you a big football fan by the way? I like football I do yeah I like the Premier League Who's your team? They're not in there right now But Fulham they'll be back up Are you a big football fan, by the way? I like football. I do, yeah. I like the Premier League, yeah. Who's your team? They're not in there right now, but Fulham, they'll be back up. Well, I think we talked about this.

They go up, go down. Look, there's something you should know about me. I'm not anymore, but I'm cheap. A little cheap, I am. A little tiny bit cheap. When I was poor and I moved to England, I was living near the Chelsea area, and Fulham is just the same suburb as Chelsea. They're right next door to each other.

And Fulham were about 20 pounds to go see a game, where Chelsea was like 90 pounds to see a game. Fulham it is. So Fulham it is. I had no money. When I first came to America, I had no money. That's why I'm a Clippers fan. That's so funny.

I did the same thing. I used to go to those $20 games, $25 games. Yeah. Exactly. That's so funny. So if you give me the Bargain basement ticket You've got me for life

That's good though At least you're still loyal You didn't switch Just because you got money No no no I stayed with the shitty team Don't switch when you get rich Go see Jim on tour

Thank you guys for coming I appreciate it I'm happy you came I'm not happy you came By the way Yeah he was Yeah taking up space And time over there

Thanks for having me With your fucking USC hat I enjoyed this Good Good I appreciate you Coming a lot Go see Jim on tour

Are you doing Anything in the states Or are you only I'm on the states right now When does this podcast Come out We're in the new year Happy new year

Happy new year We're January 7th today I think it is I'm about to be in Columbus, Ohio Kansas City I'm about to be in Des Moines, Iowa

Go to JimJeffries.com Go to JimJeffries.com To to be in Des Moines, Iowa. Go to jimjeffries.com. Go to jimjeffries.com to go see him. Des Moines, Iowa, Kansas City, and all those dates. Myself as well. I'm on tour. AndrewSantino.com. Jim, we end the show the same way every time.

Look inside that camera, your single, and say one word or one phrase to end the episode when you're ready. One word or one phrase? You can pick. I used to do one word, but people got so nervous I had a word. Can't. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.