Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jim Norton

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

First time on the show we have one of NYC's best comics and radio guys Jim Norton. He's back on the road now. Check out his dates at https://jimnorton.com #andrewsantino #jimnorton #whiskeyginger #podcast ================================================ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT DISPLATE GET UP TO 33% OFF YOUR ORDER https://displate.com/whiskeyginger ROCKET MONEY Get Ride Of Useless Subscriptions! http://rocketmoney.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey LUCY.CO 20% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER + FREE SHIPPING PROMO CODE: WHISKEY https://lucy.co/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Jim Norton, baby. Thank you for coming. It felt sincere. It was real.

I bought it. It was real. I met your wife, your manager. And our camera person. And your camera person. Yes. You always bring a crew, an entourage? You're like a rapper?

Never. Never do. My wife and I are out doing some podcasts I'm doing alone, some we're doing together. And Jonathan just drives us around, my manager. And Soraya has been shooting for our YouTube channel and she's really funny and she's got great editing on the fly ability. So she's been kind of doing that for us. So she's filming us while we're out here. Yeah, she looks smart. I'm always intimidated when I can,. You know when you can feel someone, just that they look smart? Yep.

Because I've looked stupid pretty much my whole life. Sure. And even if I'm trying to be put together, you can still go, this guy's a state-educated kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no private school

in this kid whatsoever. No, it's really weird how no matter what the outfit, blithering idiocy bleeds through. I get it. It just seeps out of my fucking Were you a public school kid? Oh yeah, I dropped out of high school

I dropped out my senior year God bless, good for you What was the response when you dropped out from the family? Was it like, we saw this coming Both, disappointed and we saw this coming We saw this coming and we wished that we weren't right That we were a flop I was a flop that was a

flop i dropped out uh yeah about halfway through my senior year i went to rehab and you know just that was the end of it i thought about dropping out only because i was so bad at high school like i remember junior year people applying to colleges that became like the start of the conversation like next year it's coming up soon all this stuff and i i mean it felt like a movie like a john hughes movie where I'm like, am I the only one not interested in college? I was, I didn't know. I was like, I can't go to college. Right. They won't let me in. I'm fucking stupid. And then I got annoyed that I was like the only one not trying to go to college. And I think Arizona state's the only school that let me

in. So God bless. Yeah. Yeah. I went to one semester of community college where they took high, I didn't have my high school of community college where they took high school. I didn't have my high school. Where certain courses would give you high school and college credits. Yeah. So I took Western Civilization, Problems in Statistics, English, and one other thing. And I got three Fs and a B. I got a B in English, which was merciful because you knew I was just getting sober.

Yeah. But the Fs were everything else. It was a disaster. But you were good. See, that's the thing, though. because he knew I was just getting sober. But the Fs were everything else. It was a disaster. But you were good. See, that's the thing, though. As a comic, the thing you picked out, you're like, I'm good at English because I like language.

Everything else, I don't care at all. Yeah, and he also, I think, took mercy on me because he knew that I'd quit drinking and doing drugs. So I think he was a kind professor. It was probably a C-minus performance, but he gave me a B just to kind of give you a little encouragement. English teachers and English professors are always the most rad. Yeah. Well, there's room for error.

There's room. They can. Like a math, there's no way to spin it if you don't know how to subtract or you don't know what fucking algebra. There's no way to fix that. Yeah. But English, you can always be a little more interpretive. Right. They can do that thing where they're like well this is how he he wrote half the words

because that's how he feels about the words yeah that was my excuse always to my parents was like when I when I bailed on the work I was always like

well it's because it just didn't connect with me yeah it just really wasn't it's really because I was a stupid lazy fucking bailout I just would just

bail out of everything smells very good in here by the way what is it it's uh it's him it's McCone my little producer there.

Is that your cologne, your bag? What is that? It's just for you, Drew. I love it. It smells great. What have you doused yourself in today? I think it was just that candle. Yeah, he lit a candle for a short period of time.

Oh, man, it's a nice smell. Very cool. Yeah, we're big candle people here. It's only because this whole studio is filled with men, and there's days where it's disgusting, because it'll be like falafel, sweat. Yeah, the summers, this is not the nicest place. Right, yeah, I came at a good time of year, I think.

Well, yeah, winter's always, this is like Venice, Italy. It's like, oh, just come in the winter, that way you won't smell the trash. I'm curious to know, because, again, just met your wife for the first time, and you started a show with your wife, and you're touring now. You're back touring again. Yes. But you said before the show, I'm interested,

you've never lived with someone. Your entire, you've only lived alone. Never, never. I mean, I lived with roommates, Jim Florentine and his girlfriend, and like 2000, maybe 99 to 2002 roommates, but I've never lived with a woman ever until Nikki and that was during the pandemic. She was in Canada

because she couldn't get into the US over some stupid marijuana thing so it took us five years of immigration nightmare so I would drive up to Montreal every Thursday from New York, spend the weekend with her and drive home and go back to the radio show and my producer Travis called and goes, hey man they might close the Canadian border. So I literally spend the weekend with her and drive home and go back to the radio show and um my producer travis

called he goes hey man they might close the canadian border so i literally packed up a suitcase within an hour i was on the road i just drove to montreal and um i was there from may or march of 2020 until july of 2021 so i was in canada for 15 months during the pandemic and that was our live together experience right forced but Forced, but also promoted. You were into it anyway. It's not like, it wasn't, it was like almost, they made you do it, but you were ready for it anyway. Thank God for the pandemic.

It was a blessing. Like the pandemic is one of the best times of my life. Because even though it was awful, I got to see what it was like to live with Nikki. I got to see if I liked it, if we were compatible. And we were. You know, it was like, it worked. We didn't kill each other. It worked really well. I know i know i hate to say that but for a lot of people the pandemic

was like a blessing like i mean i also for us it was a blessing like bobby and i started bad friends the podcast together because of him getting out of rehab his dad dying he was you know it was like we knew something was coming we were getting locked down and then we were like well fuck it why don't we just make the show together test every day have the crew isolated and then that was the most fun thing we got out of it right it was like we didn't have to worry about schedules like dude you're gonna be in omaha when i'm in fucking miami and it was just like we're here we have nowhere to go and that was my living that was my first time living with an asian an asian man yes understandable i've not done that yet but if things don't work out with she and i i'm definitely looking so the pod is you two that you started separate of your own show it's just it's

you guys is it just about your relationship and your growth together and stuff what is it it's just slice of life stuff yeah um because everybody has opinions about trans people so it's just this thing like we're married and this is what our life looks like together it's not much different than most people's lives together it's kind of the point of it. You know, and I think that we're funny together. I think our chemistry and dynamics are, like, very legit and good. I'm not allowed to do a podcast because of my radio contract. Right.

So we're going to do, like, a video one. We'll see how that goes. We're going to be putting up the first, like, test episode probably next week. But it's just trial and error. And call it Jim and Nikki, yeah? Nikki and Jim, because I like the alliteration of that better. I like how that sounds better.

Jim and Nikki. I just didn't like the way that- Nikki Jim. Nikki and Jim. It's also putting her first is more important. Yeah, I didn't mind. We're not going to call the podcast that because guy-girl names are just shitty. Nikki and Jim NYC is the channel,

but it's easy to remember. Like we just did that so people would remember it, but I don't know what to call the podcast yet. What are the, what are the, that's funny when you're like, we just did that so people would remember it. But I don't know what to call the podcast yet. What are the, what are the, that's funny when you're like, if people have opinions about trans people,

you can have Chappelle come and moderate one of the episodes at some point. Yeah, Chappelle would be great. Like, I'm not bothered by anybody's opinion. Like, I don't care.

I don't give a fuck how people feel. Like, it doesn't bother me. Right. As long as they don't want to legislate that we can't do what we want in life,

they feel how you want. I don't give a shit. Fact. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. It's like we were joking yesterday in the studio about I don't know how it even got into these political opinions or whatever. Call it maybe apathy, unfortunately,

but if somebody's like, how do you feel about this? Gay marriage or whatever. I care so little about even arguing about it or whatever. And I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy that I'm like, I couldn't't care less i hope everyone gets to do everything so it's like i just i should maybe i should be more involved than caring but i just i feel that way about most shit where i'm like i don't give a fuck do whatever everybody wants to do i think it doesn't

bother me i think it's all fake like it's so funny to watch everybody thinks that they are a uh a warrior in the cultural battle and it's's just like, you embarrassing douche. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Stop trying to be more than you are. They're like, we must not relent. It's like everybody thinks that they're fighting the good fight. And it's like, go fuck yourself.

I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. I'm not offended by it. It's not upsetting. I just find it boring. and I just think it's predictable and it's just banal, I just can't stand it. Like when people start to really get angry that their opinions aren't being,

I just, ugh, I'm just bored with them. I think the reason people do it is because it gives people something to do. You know, it's almost like why people love gossip, it's because it's something to pass through time. Yeah. Because if they're not really satisfied with whatever the fuck that's got going on in their life, if you're satisfied in what you're doing, you probably have little time to give a fuck

about other people's shit. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't care. I want to do my thing. It's hard for me to hear what someone else is up to and to be like, what do you think about that? It's like, I don't fucking care.

I'm sorry, but I don't care. Yeah. It's a little self-involved, but I'd rather just do my own shit. Yeah, or I have opinions on things, but I don't care if you agree with them. I'm okay with people not agreeing with my opinions. I don't need you to agree. If other people don't agree with them, I can still like them.

Sure, yeah. I don't give a fuck. People are like, are you friends with that guy? He's racist. I don't give a shit. I'm not. I don't care what he is. Fucking yell at him. Right. This divide happened solely because of, I think, the Trump division of America was like, you cannot be friends with this other person if they think differently than you.

Yeah. Although we were like that before. I think it became worse. I think the 24-hour news cycle really fucked everybody because that's what everybody just started noticing and becoming obsessed with the story and you couldn't get away from the story. But yeah, Trump definitely, that was like, that made it worse.

Yeah. I should have polarized everything. It became so glaring that it was like, that's how you feel. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. And then they tell all their friends,

like, I remember there were comics that we know I'm not going to say, but like guys that like on their page were like, if you, if you are even remotely associated with this Trump thing or whatever, it's like, I'm blocking you, deleting you. It's like, what? Who cares?

Why do you care what other people are up to? It's embarrassing. Because, again, everybody has to, everyone's identity is wrapped up in all this shit. Like, you know, Trump is way more, there's a lot of hardcore right-wingers. I can't stand the religious shit. But I'm friends with Don Jr. He was always great to me. I've interviewed Trump for UFC

not too long ago. He couldn't have been nicer. We talked all sports because it was a sports podcast. We talked all about boxing and people were like, how could you interview him? I was delighted. And if Obama wants to sit down or Biden, I would give them the same amount of respect and adoration

as a former president, as a current president. I would be delighted the same amount of respect and adoration as a former president, as a current president. I would be delighted to talk to any of them. Yeah, of course. If Putin wants to come in and talk about fucking Sean Strickland, I'd be happy to sit down with Putin. I don't give a fuck.

I think his Red Cross is weak. Yeah, exactly. I'm happy to talk to any of these guys. It's like this whole thing where, like they're all mad at Tucker because he interviewed Putin. How many other journalists have interviewed Putin before? Fucking, they've interviewed Bin Laden when he was in a cave years ago.

Who the fuck are you to tell someone not to talk to the former president of the United States? Shut up. And the interview in the cave, by the way, it was like so sweet and heartfelt. It felt like it was like, so how are you doing? It was almost like an Oprah interview. Well, you don't want to say the wrong thing either. You just got to agree. He's like, how am I?

Yeah, you see a stump and a sword next to it. You're like, that's where my head goes if I ask the wrong question. That's a pressure. That's where you kiss the ass of the person you're talking to

a little bit. You're kissing the ring a little bit. A little bit. Yeah, they have home field advantage for sure. Yeah, please, the skyline is much better without those stupid buildings.

You were right. You know, we didn't like that plane anyway. Those were bad. American Airlines is just not for me, man. Absolutely. Almost as bad as the Max, which will be coming shortly. Dude, now I can't get that out of my head as much as we travel. Like, jokingly, we were coming back from Reno,

and we were trying to fly out. It was a crazy fucking storm a couple days ago. Oh, yeah. We were afraid we weren't going to get out, and they kind of were like, look, we're going to de-ice, but we might have to just go back, because fuck it out it was crazy fucking storm a couple days ago oh yeah we couldn't we were afraid we weren't going to get out and they kind of were like look we're going to de-ice but we might have to just go back because fuck it it's wild and the whole time i'm like oh god is this like one of those moments where they go we can't believe the door ripped off yeah like also we're flying through a storm because it was wobbly bobbly dude getting out was sideways and i thought is this where the wing just falls off am i in that because i don't ever mind

flying we fly so much but when it's storm weather i'm always like god this is it huh how bumpy was it fucking pretty bad on the way up was bad bad after that we were fine right but i mean the way up was to take out because being from chicago i remember flying out as a kid all the time in storm and yeah so you you got kind of used to it. But whenever you take off and it's sideways, then I get fucked up. Yeah, that sucks. How far is a drive? Because I am... Oh, wow, it looks like it's going to be cloudy. Rent a car

and drive. I'm so fucking stupid. I almost... I was in Austin not too long ago and a part of me wanted to drive back because the weather was going to be bad. I'm like, you pussy, just get on a plane. To New York? I didn't do it. That is a forever drive. The fact that the thought was there, I should be executed. How long of a drive would Reno have been?

Seven and a half, I think it said. Seven and a half or eight. Oh, I would have been a fucking car renting. Really? Yeah, for seven and a half. Buffalo, Toronto to New York, 100%. Because I did Montreal every weekend. So it's like, that's six hours each way.

I would do radio, be done by 11, drive right up, see her, drive home Sunday morning. Yeah, but you were going for love. We were just coming home. I was actually going to make sure she didn't fuck any French Canadians while I was paying the rent. Jim, you're here so early. Is she fluent in French? She hates French, as do I. People or the language?

Or both? The language. The annoyance of them doing it in a pharmacy and pretending. We would go to St. Savoie and other places. In the pandemic, we went everywhere just to get out of Montreal. When they don't speak English an hour

from upstate New York, it's hateable. It's infuriating. Every time I went to do JFL, every time I ever went up there, all the comics, particularly West Coast guys, because we're so far removed from that, everyone's like, it's like we're in Europe, man.

It's like, no, it's fucking not, dude. It's weird Canada. This is goofy Canada. That's all it is. You're not almost in Europe. You drive an hour from now, you're in a Toronto in a ghetto. You're not in a fucking Europe. But look, I love Canada. I love the people of Canada. That's all it is. You're not almost in Europe. You drive an hour from now, you're in a Toronto in a ghetto. You're not in a fucking Europe. But I love

Canada. I love the people of Canada. They were very, very good to us. They allowed her to come over and stay and they gave her a visa to stay and they gave me a visa. As an American, you just keep re-upping it, but the Canadians could not have been nicer. So my life today is possible because the Canadians

were so generous to us so I fucking love Canada. Except for this weed charge that you were talking about. That is a big deal. She's from Norway so that was in Norwegian. They didn't stop her

from going into Canada but the U.S. put us through ringers for five years. She was rejected five times. It was a nightmare. Can you imagine 250 years from now,

200 years from now when there is a joke about getting busted for weed at the border, they'll be like, that was honestly a thing? No, she got busted. She signed a ticket in Norway because she had sent a text message about it to

somebody, and then the police arrested her friend on an unrelated thing and looked through her phone and found this text. It's fucking insane. It was a ticket that was signed. There was never possession. That's like PSYOP shit. That's crazy. It was so hard because you can't prove amount. You can't prove that it was below the amount that you need to

get a waiver. It's the immigration lesson I got in five years. I mean you become like a pseudo expert on immigration and what's wrong with it. But I also get why people sneak in. Like I used to drive in when she was in Canada and think like I gotta put her in the trunk and she'd be in the country. Which I wouldn't

she wouldn't but they probably have things that look in the trunk. Right. But that was a fetish of yours was having a woman in the trunk, and she'd be in the country. Which she wouldn't, but they probably have things that look in the trunk. Right, but that was a fetish of yours, was having a woman in the trunk. Well, there have been so many before. I'm like, why not your wife? Future wife. She'll actually enjoy it.

She's like, I don't think we need to be in the trunk. You're like, I think we do. I can't get hard without the trunk. I'm not going to come unless you're crawling out of the trunk when I pull into my truck. If there's not a metal roof over our head, my dick won't function. But it was frustrating so now but now that happiness has ensued now you're together in new york and everything is all good what what is it are you

still in this newlywed phase of like learning the things that piss you off when you live together we've been married for two years and we didn't be engaged since 2019 uh so I mean, we know each other very well. We argue annoyingly. You know what I mean? She annoys me when we argue, and fucking she cries a lot when we argue. She just gets emotional. You know, it's like that shit that annoys every couple.

I annoy her because I go into lecture mode. It's the stuff that annoys every couple, but no, I'm happy. I'm so grateful she's here that even when I'm mad at her, I'm like, if they told you five years ago this is what it would be, you'd just be sitting at home with nothing to do and she's bitching about wanting a new sofa you would have signed up for this in a second i would have in a second said

i'll take it i would be she's here we're allowed to travel together and live together as it's all i wanted so i'm happy that's fucking phenomenal yeah i'm really happy and you're now you're now you're is she gonna come with you on the road because the road because you have a bunch of tour dates this year? She comes, yeah. She gets bored on the road. And again, Norwegians are very stoic, fucking weird people, so they don't get jokes. She's very literal as a person, which drives me

nuts. There's no subtlety or nuance. No nuance? Yeah. Two Jews walk into a bar. Why didn't they order a drink? Alright, it's just not... That's the logic I like, though. It's that. She's like, why are these Jews in that bar? But you know what I mean?

It's like that level of literal thinking, which hurts, you know. Yeah. But yeah, she comes on the road with me, and she gets very bored. Very bored. Well, I mean, so do we sometimes. Even if I try to pack our days with stuff when we're on the road together, there are those moments in the hotel where you're like, oh, God, I fucking want to be home. Are you married?

Yeah. Oh, so do you bring your wife sometimes? Pretty rarely because she doesn't want to go. Right. You know, like if it's a city where we know somebody or we have family or friends, if she's like, oh, you're going to, I want to go there because I can see so-and-so and so-and-so

and then there'll be things to do. But if I'm like, do you want to go to Lincoln, Nebraska? She's like like get the fuck out of here no i don't i'm not going no yeah unless there's a targeted thing to do or someone you know then she won't go something to see an event but for me i like to bring my wife because i really don't cheat on her which is crazy because i mean i was such a shit partner my whole life yeah and with her i've actually been like a really honest good husband like i don't fuck around because i i'm afraid that if I do it and get away with it, I'll do it again. I just don't want to wreck my marriage. But that's another reason to have her on the road, too.

You know what I mean? Because it's hard not to look at, you know, go online. To look at everything. Oh, see, it's funny because I really enjoy nothing more than after the show, going back to the hotel and being very sad and eating. That's my coming. I like that, too. That's my coming. But I do that also.

They're not mutually exclusive. I don't jerk off and then go to the gym. I fucking, I arc one on myself. I wipe it off with a sock and then order a cheeseburger. That was a fucking

very unhealthy day. I order the cheeseburger right as I'm coming. I just want to call down. I can't come unless I'm looking at it. Smell of fries in the room. I had one time, this is where, I don't know up because I'm looking at it. Smell of fries in the room. I had one time,

this is where, I don't know where we were, but a guy that came into the room, you know these old, there's always like the porno joke of like the cleaning lady that comes in. It's like,

oh, you know this fucking. I had a guy come in. I think we were in Philly. I think we were in Philly and the guy, we ordered room service. We had been traveling. I just wanted to shove my face and then nap before the show.

And this guy came in and he was young, good looking guy, foreign, and he dropped off my food and I signed the thing. We were chatting just for a second, it was really nice. And then he was kind of hanging around. And I was like, all right man, I'm just gonna eat up. And he's like, do you need anything else? I was like, no, no, I have everything I need. He's like, nothing at all. And then for a second, I was like,

do I have to fuck this guy? Oh no. Do I have to fuck this guy? And I didn't because he wasn't my style, but I was like, do I just have to play into the part that he wants me to play into? Were you wearing snug underpants? Maybe he read the wrong message. No, it's like whenever they do come to the, though, I'm always overly conscious because I'm always, I'm usually naked in my hotel room. Sure, sure. I'm almost never clothed. For some reason, I always believe the moment you walk into a hotel room, get naked. Yeah.

Why else are you, do you have this little cute private room? I'm leaving my asshole print on every bit of furniture. Yeah, yeah. That's why whenever you look at a chair, someone's like, can I sit there? I'm like, you can. I won't. I will not. They haven't flipped that fucking cushion enough.

But I always get naked in the hotel room, and I sleep naked. That was a point of contention. I asked my wife, I was like, should I not be sleeping naked? She's like, no, they clean the sheets. But then I think, how much gross shit was in this hotel? Yeah, plus your head's on the pillow. So if your dick and thighs touch it, who cares? Your fucking head is touching it.

Well, and sometimes I put the pillows between my legs. Oh, yeah. I don't touching it. Well, and sometimes I put the pillows between my legs. Oh, yeah. I don't do that. No, I do. That's bad. Now that I think, my cock and my balls and my asshole are on most of those pillows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you know they're not clean in those cases. They're like, yeah, no, we'll flip them. I hope not if you're hearing that. No, they just put them from

one room into the other room. That's all they do. They just keep switching them out and moving them around. Do you think the guy wanted a tip? Did you tip? Oh, of course I tipped, yeah. Oh, my God. I said, maybe he's like the fucking doorman in the Jeffers a tip did you tip oh of course I tipped yeah oh my god maybe he's like the fucking maybe he's like the doorman in the

Jeffersons remember that guy would always show up and just keep his hand out keep his hand out maybe he wanted to fuck you

might have been a thing he might have got a vibe from you should have done it did gay guys hit on you a lot like maybe he thought you were like

nah I don't I don't exude exude any I don't think gay guys think that there's an opening there but I do think sometimes I'll be

uh friendly enough where maybe they'll go maybe i could fuck this guy yeah he's on the road maybe he wants a blowjob yeah sure exactly which i heard the other day from uh dan st germain had a great bit about that he's like i got my cock sucked by some guy in college but that wasn't even close to being the gayest thing i've ever done he's like i was in joseph and the amazing technical dream he's like that's the gayest fucking thing i've ever done. He's like, I was in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's like, that's the gayest fucking thing I've ever done. He's hilarious. Yeah, he's such a fucking funny dude.

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Or am I reading this totally wrong? Yeah. Like how many you've had over the course of your life? Myself, about 40,000. Yeah, all of them. Yeah. A ton of them. And they all were.

But I've heard you say, someone asked you, someone said, are you gay said are you gay and you say no no i'm not and you said but i'm not afraid of dicks yeah i mean like i don't claim to be straight either like that's the thing people don't hear they're like he's married to somebody trans and he's delusional he's not gay i didn't say i was straight right i don't think if you're married to somebody and there's a dick in play that you're straight i mean sorry i, sorry, I don't know why that's a fucking newsflash for people. But some people will disagree, like, you're 100% hetero. I'm like, really? Is that what your fucking gender studies professor told you?

I don't agree. And if it's changing shape so much anyway, it's weird that they... The irony is people are like, people can be fluid now. And then if somebody does claim something, they're like, well, you can't do that. Well, this is what progressives are interested in. They are so obsessed with saying, no, you're totally hetero. And it's like you think you're progressive, but you're literally married to the idea of 1950s where the only right answer is hetero. Right.

Like that to you is the answer that everyone should be striving for. And it's just silly. It's weird. I saw a clip on TikTok the other day of people going back and forth about a girl. She went to a lesbian bar, straight girl, went to a lesbian bar. And she was like, you know, my straight guy friend came in to drop something off to just say hi and then leave. And a woman walked up to him and was like, you're not supposed to be here. And she was like, are straight people not allowed in gay bars?

And then, of course, there was half of the gay contingency online was like, yeah, of course not. You're not allowed to be there. and the other half was like nobody gives a fuck and i was like this is america in a nutshell yeah there is no nobody can agree on anything anyway so don't be a dick and just do your own thing it's kind of the consensus of all these opinions because everyone's got such a polarizing opinion about it and you're like i don't think it fucking matters in fact justin martindale great comic i don't know if you know him but he used to drag me to gay bars in west hollywood when i lived in west hollywood constantly and i was always like are

people gonna care that i'm here he's like not even a little bit why would they fucking give a shit yeah i think if you're cool with me and you're not being an asshole sure yeah as long as you're not rude like i don't uh i don't know if i believe i believe you're stupid i don't even know if i believe the guy that's that sounds like one of those anecdotal things like a woman joking goes hey what the hell you doing? And then all of a sudden he's like, and they told me not to come. They made me leave. And now it's a story. It sounds like at a rally.

It's like, and you know what they did to me? Yeah, what? They made me leave. Who's that? Who's that? Open up. Let's see who it is. It was like a surprise. Oh, yeah. Hey, man. Is Matt not there?

You can just drop it there. He can sign for you. Oh, is that the delivery? That's funny. It's funny. House Fetter. All right. Thanks, man.

That's hilarious. It'd be funny to say, what are they delivering? A funny guest and then a better comic comes in, I believe. Thanks for your time, Jim. Yeah. No, that's, you know, what's they delivering? A funny guest, and then a better comic comes in, I believe. Thanks for your time, Jim, yeah. No, that's, you know what's so funny is that guy and the other guy, the one time he goes, package, and I go, yeah, you just leave it there, and then he threw it against our outside door, and I was like, all right, right on.

I think L.A. delivery guys, they have it too good. They don't have to face any of the elements. It's always sunny. Like, they never have a fucking There's no hiccups It's like my The mail carrier in our neighborhood He's the meanest motherfucker on earth

He's so mean and I love him Because he's an asshole Like I'll go hey man can you mail this out He's like no put it in the box I don't touch And he'll make me wait a day To come grab it And I think it's because

He's sunshine living Yeah they're really shit, the employees of the post office. They really are. I had one recently who was kind of, he was kind of cunty twice to me and Nikki.

And so I filed a report against him. And the post office just drags their feet on it, but I wanted this guy executed. I fucking, I wanted to hear like, what happened? Yes, we took your case.

We went to his house. We burned it while him and his family were asleep. I was fucking livid. We murdered everybody that he knows we stole from him you now own his estate whatever he used to have is now your property what happened what was you just being an ass just a jerk awfully scolding everybody just a nobody an emasculated fucking nothing just a lump you know you just see him sitting there with his mask on his little fucking shit head uh but you know what it is?

The problem is these postal guys now ring cameras and porch cameras are fucking them up and they can't do what they want. So when you tell a guy, just leave it, he's like, now I can throw it. That's his chance to act up and do what he wants to do. That's his fuck you to me, exactly. And he's allowed to because you told him to leave it there.

I did too. Yeah, that's also true. We've also been porch pirated a few times. We got jacked when we were gone this is so insane of all the things to steal off of our porch like of all the bullshit packages that are just like paper towels or whatever it was a family ring for my wife ah i know my tax returns which is insane crazy and then a box of like gifting stuff of like uh for the for the show and so i didn't care about anything but the family ring.

I was like, man, what a fucking, but also what a gamble for that person that got it. Of all the shit that they steal, you know, that they steal, throw it away, steal, throw it away. I was like, man, that motherfucker came up. Good for that bitch. And she looked right at our camera and we gave it to the police. The police were like, we're not doing anything with this. We couldn't care less.

They don't care. Like we're the LAPD. We don't fucking, this means literally nothing. I hit a guy with my car and cops never came. I hit a man years ago with my car. Yeah, he's dead for sure. Sure. There's no doubt in my mind.

Yeah. But I hit him, called the cops. They'll come soon. Called him 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later, 40 minutes. Never came. Yeah. The guy left. He walked away.

Yeah. Good for you. I mean, he was, I mean, you know. He's hurt. Yeah. Wasn't straight. Sure. But he gives a shit. He's gone. Do you take your insurance papers away. Yeah, good for you. I mean, he was, I mean, you know. He's hurt. Yeah, wasn't straight, but he gives a shit. Yeah. But he's gone.

Do you take your insurance papers? You know, it's okay. I've told this story, too, but he, they were acting so shady, and I kept being like, give me your number. And his buddies were like, let's get the fuck out of here. They were being weird. So I thought, one of these guys doesn't want to see the cops for some reason. Yeah.

I had a guy, I was leaving the Lincoln Tunnel, or the Holland Tunnel in New York on my way to a gig, and this guy said I scraped his fender. I was with Karen Feehan and she's like, no you didn't. So I'm like, oh this jerk off is trying to scam. So I wanted to go through the tunnel and have him do it in Jersey because the traffic was so bad but he flagged down the traffic cop and they made us pull over.

He goes, wait for the police. And I'm like, this is going to be, I'm going to miss the gig and there's a lot of money and he's trying to fuck me to pay him. But I wound up just getting his number or whatever. And nothing ever came of it. We traded information. But it's like, they fuck you like that to try to get you just to hand them cash.

Sure. Well, that happens all the time, though, too. There was a girl, a friend of mine, Brianne. She was parked out front of our old neighborhood. We ran into her. We were walking to get coffee. And we watched this old Russian guy just slam right into her car. And I mean, like, we were watching it happen in slow motion.

I was like, what the fuck, dude? And he gets out and he's like, no, you're a parko volai. And I was like, no, she's in the, you pulled into the spot. And then me and him are arguing. I'm like fighting for her. You know, you get caught up in something. You're like, I don't even want to be doing this right now. How did I get stuck in?

I'm yelling at this guy. And then at some point he goes, what do you want? What do you want? And I go, it's not my fucking car. You give her your information. You fucking hit her, you dickhead, because he was trying to walk away. And so then he grabs his wallet, pulls it out, and it's, you know, Costanza style. It's like a fucking novel.

And he just grabs a ton of cash. He's like, good. And I go, yes, very good. Do you know how much it was? I mean, honestly, if I'm not exaggerating, stack of hundreds. So maybe, I don't know. He's like, good. And I go, yes, very good. Do you know how much it was? It was, I mean, honestly, if I'm not exaggerating, stack of hundreds, so maybe, I don't know, I don't even know, maybe like $1,200, $1,300. I mean, it was

like this. He didn't want any problems. Yeah. Obviously, he didn't want to see the police at all. But I handed it, I was right to her. I was like, okay, that's pretty fucking great. That's nice. Yeah. Also, I almost wanted to be like, do I get some negotiation kickback for that? Yeah, exactly. How about a percentage? She gave you nothing? No.

Well, I don't know. I think she needed it more than I did at the time, which is funny. Now she's on a huge Netflix show called Genie in Georgia. Do you know what that is? I don't. When I met her, she was an actress doing a guest star on an old show I did called I'm Dying Up Here about the comedy store. Oh, I remember that show. She guest starred on it

and then now she's more famous than anybody from our show. When I did Lucky Louie, there was a scene, there was an episode where Louie's, Mike Haggerty played, I think it was Mike Haggerty and Laura Kettlinger played a couple and

they had like a niece or something staying with them and she was really bratty and she hits on Louis. It was really funny and it was Emma Stone. So you see it years later and it's like, wow, who knew? That little scene. That's not what made her. No, I think that did. I think that was the thing. It was just that one scene.

She's always nice to me since then, which is so polite. I'm a nothing. She was always very nice after that, which she didn't care. Yeah. But that's nice to, it's, it's nice to know that, uh, I give more people the benefit of the doubt than you hear. Like you were just talking about before about Don jr and all that stuff. I think people's assumptions of who people are dynamically changes. If you spend six seconds with them, you go, ah, yes, you may amplify your character for the sale of whatever you're

doing in the entertainment world you probably aren't that person that people most people think you are and so it's nice to know that you know like she's probably still as humble as she ever has been yeah even though she's super famous i think i meet more people in our business in the entertainment world that aren't assholes that people might think are than are. Yeah. I think most people I've met were fine. You know what I mean? They're fine.

I interviewed Weinstein years ago and he was very nice. I mean, he was in our studio, so I didn't actually see the other side of him, but he couldn't have been more pleasant. Right. So I guess if you have an interaction with somebody and it's tolerable, your view of that person changes because they were nice to you. Well, yeah, it's like, you know, we tried to get Epstein on the show years ago,

and we just couldn't. He was just so busy. I know, I know. His flight schedule. Glamour's always an easier booking, I know. His flight schedule was fucking insane, this guy. It was nonstop. Now, have you gotten, since you're a New Yorker,

have you gotten a chance to go in the tunnels in Brooklyn that they dug underneath the... No. We've got to get you down there, dude. No, you mean the Hasidic Jews up there? Yeah, you got to get down there. I don't know how anybody knew they were Jews. That's the fascinating part to me,

is that somebody is listening and going, there's Jews under there. Yeah. It's like, how do you know they're Jews? They sound like Jews. As they tap their fingers. They're down there. I know they're down there.

Yeah. Validating all the QAnon blogs, like, fucking immediately. Like, told you. Yeah. I fucking told you they live underground why don't you go back to New York with your Jew tunnels

alright good yeah I don't know what that was it was weird but I didn't find it what were they doing was it like a doomsday prep thing I don't know anything about it

I think part of the truth that we heard was that it was to get from place to place during COVID because they weren't supposed to

oh go out yeah they dug tunnels? Yeah. I mean, it sounds like something fun to do. You know what I mean? It's almost like someone's going to dig a tunnel and you're like, that's not fucking fun.

I'm kind of bored. I might dig a tunnel. Well, you just take the ticket. Isn't that easier? Yeah. Let them give you a ticket. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, just take the ticket.

Take the ticket. Pay the ticket. Or dig the tunnel and have an adventure with your friends. That's their goonies. I guess so. But how do you dig in New York City? It seems insane. There obviously was something,

well, you know, like half of New York is buried underground anyway, so I'm sure there was stuff already built out that they were like, holy shit, if we remove this thing, look at all the shit that we saw. Right, right, right. We can't dig in LA.

We tried diligently, but it's just bedrock, man. We can't get down there. It is, right? Sad, yeah. We can't get down there. Yeah. Until the big one shakes us off the fucking planet. We had't get down there. It is, right? Sad. Yeah, we can't get down there. Yeah. Until the big one shakes us off the fucking planet. We had three

days of rain and half of the city is shut down. I've been here all three days. I love the weather. And I brought the rain with me. Thank God. God bless. Fun little cute jokes I bring. But yeah, it's weird. I've spent a decent amount of time here. I don't think I've

ever seen it like this before. I've seen rain, but never three horrible days in a row. Yeah, people lose their minds. And that becomes like a joke in and of itself. People don't know how to live in the rain in LA. Yeah, but they literally built this place out of paper mache. Everyone I know's roof is falling in. Yeah. I mean, we did not build anything correctly.

We built it as cheap and fast as possible because people are like, what's going to get to it? Like, I remember when I first came out here and my mother came and visited and was like, I had slat windows. So they don't physically close all the way. They just layer. Yeah.

And my mom was like, what about heat and cold leaking out? I'm like, there's nothing to get out, really. It doesn't matter. It doesn't get out. I know. You don't need to be sealed. Let it go. But she was like, that's like for the beach. I'm like, yeah, I know.'s not, you don't need to be sealed. Let it go. But she was like,

that's like for the beach. I'm like, yeah, I know, it's fucking, it's not a real place. Slats suck by the way. Whenever I go to a hotel and they only have blinds

or slats, I want to fucking throw a rock through the window because I need to pitch black to sleep. Me too. And when you go to a hotel, any hotel that doesn't have

room darkening, blackout, pitch black curtains is a shithole. Yeah. I can't stand it. I like the ones that have a shade, a thick curtain, and another one. Yeah.

These guys. And Elvis' road crew to come in and put tinfoil on the windows. He used to put tinfoil on the windows. Yeah. Like, you tinfoil the windows so that there's no light getting in. Nothing's coming in. Yeah, because apparently Elvis would be up all night exercising. He was, right?

He was a very fit man. Yes, he was, doing judo. He loved breathing exercises. He would put stuff up his nose to breathe, right? Yes, and clean a mirror at the same time. But yeah, they said Elvis' people would put tinfoil in the windows to block any and all light, and I just love that. That's sexy as shit.

Yeah, isn't that great? Well, every hotel should have at least one floor of of recluse rooms where it's like there's no windows it's totally but i wouldn't mind no window i don't i don't i close them off anyway like i just spent a week in new york and i don't think i fucking opened the blinds once in the hotel room that's not what it's for i'm there to go to bed and that's the end of how is your view though if you have a nice view of the park or downtown or whatever,

nothing, huh? Just shit? Just some more bullshit. What hotel? Some old guy. The One? Yeah. I don't know.

It's up by, it was uptown because we were doing a press thing. It was like 58th and 7th or some shit like that. Oh, okay.

Just below the park. So there wasn't a view of the park. You could like see the hotels facing the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right off of it. Which, you know. No, it was fine. It was a nice hotel but for me, just below the park so there wasn't a view of the park you could like see the hotels facing the park yeah you're right off of it which you know

no it was fine it was a nice hotel but for me hotels especially when I'm on the road I have no interest in like enjoying the room I want to I want to like

put food in my body jerk off on myself sure fall asleep yep immediately yes a nice comfortable bed

blackout curtains a good air conditioner Courtyard-hmm courtyard Marriott's rule. Yeah, I literally have left I won't stay in Weston's because they itch there's this sheets itch. I have very delicate skin So I like a good courtyard Marriott. That's all I need to be happy. They do they have itchy sheets. I never noticed Yeah, yeah I don't like the detergent the believe I had my road manager like he did a deep dive on the fuck all the companies that Are owned by this parent company use this detergent. It's a fucking nightmare. I'm difficult Wow Believe me, I had my road manager. He did a deep dive on all the companies that are owned by this parent company. Use this detergent. It's a fucking nightmare.

I'm difficult. Wow. Yeah, I'm a cunt. I never knew. Who would have known? Well, what do you find? Do you find the highest end hotels? Do they satisfy you or no?

Some do, some don't. Courtyard by Marriott is the best hotel. I'm so comfortable in their bedding. And the air conditioner is so potent. It's really just an awesome sleep experience. This is interesting to go down which ones are good and bad. Yeah, some are great. Sometimes you don't know.

I don't like W's. I don't like Westin's because, again, they have that itchy, whatever their laundry detergent is. I don't like a stiff sheet. I don't like a shit boutique hotel. Give me a Gentleman's Old school, a fucking Four Seasons. I love stuff like that, like a real, a Ritz, a gentleman's establishment. Right.

Well, those are fancy ones. The Courtyard Marriott's half the price. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's also- Double the value. Yeah. Anywhere my dad stayed while he was a traveling salesman, I was like, those are the hotels. He did a lot of courtyards, a whole bunch of courtyards.

They're great, man. They're so comfy. But I don't like five stars if they're itchy. I just don't. Anything that's boutique or hipsterish, I despise. Yeah, because the hipster thing is just a high-end, cheapy version of what they, like they're trying to make it look like a barn

or some shit like that. Exactly. Yeah, it's funny you say that. I did New Year's Eve in Poughkeepsie two years ago, and they had one of those boutique hotels, and the bathroom door was on a giant track above it, and it was a big heavy barn door. I'm like, what the fuck? Stop with the cowhide shit seats. Nobody likes that.

It's fucking uncomfortable. Yeah, I fuck it. I don't like that. Just give me the old school shit, man. Comfy chair. Give me the old school. You lay back. You fucking put your feet up. It's fucking uncomfortable. Yeah, I don't like that. Just give me the old school shit, man. Comfy chair. Give me the old school. Like this. You lay back.

You fucking put your feet up. It's great. How about casinos? We're on a casino run. Do you like casinos or no? I do. I don't stay in them often enough. I haven't been on the road in a while.

I'm going back out now. The Wynn in Vegas is probably the best casino hotel bed I've ever stayed in. I think I've stayed there once or twice. Their buffet is awesome. Yeah, it is. I'm a big fan of the Wynn. I just don't have any reason to go out there. But when I am and I go there, I love that hotel.

We were out at the Wynn. We loved it. Isn't it great? I fucking enjoy it, man. What a comfy bed and what a delicious buffet in the morning. I love a good breakfast buffet. And I'm also a nerd golfer and the golf course is out the back door. So for me, it's like, oh, I can have breakfast at a delicious restaurant and then walk 50 feet and go outside and go play golf in the morning.

That, to me, is like my little slice of fucking heaven. That's the old Vegas that I think of. Right. It's like the Sinatra days. It's like, that's what I would love. Go golf. Go have a nice breakfast. Have a couple cups of coffee.

Go upstairs. Right. That's what I would love. Go golf. Go have a nice breakfast. Have a couple cups of coffee. Go upstairs. Write. I actually, I've come accustomed to getting used to liking casinos a little bit. Something to the buzz of them is a little weird. It's beautiful. You just get a bigger collection of lunatics. It's pure addiction. You're watching.

It's literally like if they were all computer monitors and there was just a bunch of people edging, looking at porn. It's the same thing. What if it was a bunch of fat people gorging on doughnuts? You're watching addicts purely awash in their addiction. It's a really interesting place. I don't fucking gamble at all because I don't trust it. I'm scared of it. Well, you're sober.

Yes, and I'm compulsive. And also the gambling thing, if you do that, you think it'll trigger other stuff No I just know that I will Enjoy the high of it And I could see myself wasting my life In a casino I'm not saying I would drink or do drugs

But I would lose a lot of money I've watched guys do it Like guys I know Like I've heard the Norm stories That he lost a lot of fucking money I didn't know Norm like that I knew him but not Like we never went on the road together. I never worked with him like that.

But I heard he was a big gambler. Yeah, I lost a lot of money. It scares me enough to just stay far away from it. What's the thing that gets you high then? What gets you the most high? Food or porn. Yeah. Like just jerking off.

Love it. What about food porn? No. I don't like watching fucking Mukbang or any of that stuff. Yeah. Like just jerking off. Love it. What about food porn? No, I don't like watching like fucking mukbang or any of that stuff. Yeah. Or some fucking, some person from Korea eating live squid. No, it doesn't do it. Or just watching

some slobby 2000 Big Macs does nothing for me. Yeah. I just want to see them grab their chest and fall face first into the food. Just have a heart attack live? Oh. Yeah, I would love it. Oh, just, oh. I pray for that. Stroke out.

Faces falling. Yeah. There was a guy that we had on that show. Who's the guy that passed away? He would eat old shit. Remember that? We put him on the other show. You guys?

No, there was a guy that was... Old shit, like what? He would eat stuff from like 30 years ago. Yeah, he passed away, sadly. From that? No, from something else. But it was like he would open up a box from like 45 years ago. So the thing we laughed about the most was his reactions were amazing.

I mean, it was more that he was like a – it was like food comedy. I didn't care about him eating it. I just wanted to see him be like – and like gag over like the smell of it because it was – what was his name? It was repulsive. Did he get sick, obviously be like, gag over the smell of it, because it was what was his name? It was repulsive, man. Did he get sick, obviously? Yeah, multiple times he got sick. Did it just make your mouth feel numb? Yeah.

He would eat army rations from fucking Vietnam and shit. It was wild. Was he the one, the MREs, yeah, there was a guy who did that. He ate all those sealed military meals. Some of those might be okay, though. They have a long shelf life. Yeah, it's impressive to think that you could still put that in your body.

That must mean it's not good for you. That's fucking crazy. So food and porn are the two break points for you. But it's mostly, that's why I've gotten fatter. I'm not obese, but I know I'm a fucking... You're not fat. I am. I'm a fucking frog-necked idiot.

You're fat to you? Yeah, I despise my body right now. Side blubber tits. How much do you weigh? Don't know. I won't weigh myself. My wife likes me like this. She really does. She's so fucking nuts. She's like, I think you look great. Don't change at all. But I'm like, you just want me to have a

fucking stroke so you can decorate the way you want. That's what she wants. She wants me to be fucking shut down in the bed so she can take my fucking vintage kiss posters off the wall. put up shit Marilyn Monroe pictures do you think she's got this like

like we'll get off on seeing you slowly fail away like pushing you in a wheelchair would make her happy no cause she would not the whole me

in the wheelchair she wouldn't care but the whole pushing part she would hate right well we'll get you the fucking auto one we'll hire someone

to push you yeah no she's just happy with me like this, but I'm not. I want to lose like 20 pounds. Are you, have you always been this way

about your body? I had lost a lot. Yes, my vision has always worked. I've always been accurate. When I look good, I know I look good. But I was too skinny

years ago. I was in like 2016, 2017. I was really fucking AIDS-y. Like when I look at old pictures of myself, smiling, I had that fucking, oh, he's too skinny.

Like I look back and I'm like, nah, you look like shit. Like a beautiful meth head. A very funny meth head. Yeah, and it's where some would say the Times amusing meth head. Right, right. They would find a moderately amusing, peaked in 2007 meth head.

Yeah, but like those army rations, you got a good shelf life, baby. You're still fucking humming along. No, but I still make people's mouths numb. I have a nauseating effect. You can get the crackers down, but that's all I got left. The crackers are edible, but the rest of it's garbage. You're a beautiful cracker.

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and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Ginger. I like gingers. How many dates are you doing on the new tour? I don't know. We just added some, actually.

I got 30 or 40. I'm going to keep adding, I think. Maybe 20 at this point. But we just added some now that went on sale. I don't remember where. I mean, maybe Tampa and a few other places. Is this to cohesively put together an hour or no? I have the hour.

I just don't know. Like, I've been working on, I do every Wednesday at the Fat Black Pussycat at the Comedy Cellar. So I do an hour that way. Like I'm talking about like my relationship and I want to make sure that it's really good before I release it.

Like I don't want to just rush to it. There's dick jokes in it, which are fine, but I don't want it to just be about that. Like, so I want to flush the material out a little bit more and maybe after the tour I will yeah it's been a while since I shot anything so maybe at the end of this tour I'll shoot at the you know Village Underground the city what's your you have it your way which you can now because of your you know who you are what's your favorite run of is it clubs or or theaters? Or like, what's the preferred way

to go about when you're building? Well, the preferred way would be the theaters that I certainly can't sell out. Yeah, you can sell theaters.

Some I can, some I can't. You know, my ticket sales are always last minute anyway. But I'm doing a small theater run now. It's all I want.

Small theaters, thousand seat maximum, like nothing crazy. I think small theaters are fucking beautiful they're amazing and a few clubs like I'll do

you know like do the DC Improv or the Comedy Works in Denver or Tampa like clubs that I love yeah but I prefer that

I mean like you talk David Telly just loves clubs like I'm a club comic like he could sell theaters he could do the Beacon but he loves doing clubs he'd rather rather just add shows. Well, see, and it's honest, as I've gotten older in my career, I also have found that like doing the big rooms is fun. Uh,

but even I kind of get lost in it where I'm like, I don't know if I like saying it in this size of a room. Sometimes I like this joke when it's smaller in a smaller room. That's the tough thing is that, I mean, look, it's a blessing to smaller room that's the tough thing is that I mean look it's a blessing to be able to sell more tickets as you go along sometimes but I do respect guys like Dave because then it's just all about the work it's all about the minutia instead of like putting on a big fucking show

because putting on a show gets tiring you know like Bobby and I are doing big big fucking rooms and we do two hours and sometimes it fucking gets tiring. Do you go on together? Yeah, so what we do is we have our, Jessie Johnson, who's a great comic,

she opens the show. And then Bob and I each do 20, 25, 30 each. You know, and then we switch off who does what. And then we all come out as a family and as a crew and we do bits from the show that we do. Oh, okay. We interact with the audience, so it's getting them involved

because the fans are, you know, such a big piece of that show but yeah we're doing a bunch of stand up up front which gives me the opportunity to work out a little bit on the road but also it's tough because they want the show too so you have to balance it's like this duality for me

because I'm not really like a I'm not huge when I do stand up and Bob is so it's tough for me to go from kind of my rhythm to then the bigger rhythm. So you, it sounds like you'll fucking cry me a river, but it's exhausting.

Two hours of it is fucking exhausting. When you see a guy like Schultz, like you see clips of Andrew in big rooms. He works well in a big room. Dane worked well in big rooms. Yeah. You know, like you see Louie,

and he'll do a big room, and he's just the same as he is in a club, and it works. You know what I mean? see Louis And he'll do a big room And he's just the same As he is in a club And it works Like you know what I mean That's I mean yeah He doesn't change his energy at all

Like he'll just be Louis And he just does what he does In his t-shirt And fucking destroys Right So like you know what I mean Like for me I don't have the confidence

To do that You know I would have to muscle it And I just I wouldn't trust myself In a big room To not be a disgusting hank Yeah Like the guys

Who can be themselves are perfect for that but I am afraid that my cowardice would lead me into doing something that every comedian would just be ashamed to know. Yeah I'll sell I know I'll sell myself up the river fuck it. Well I've done arenas with Bert. I did them with

Rogan and yeah you find yourself just like doing what they want you to do a little bit bigger because you're in that fucking, you have to fill this weird space. Yes, and I'm afraid, accurately so, that my words and thoughts won't do it. And they don't.

So it's like run around, you fucking 30-year chimp. And they do. More bananas, more bananas. Yeah. That is how, but there are times too when you just, you do have, I think a part of the reservation of the preservation of your career is also acknowledging sometimes you are tap dancing a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, do you still take corporates or no? No, they don't want me. I'm too dirty. There's a lot of dirt. There's companies now that like that kind of stuff, right? They do, but they'll say, like, their idea, just say whatever you want. Maybe you say shit in front of the CEO, but they have no idea the material. Oh, great, the Sandusky hunk.

They don't want that. So I had corporates, colleges. They don't ask for me, and I don't offer to do them. I never got colleges. I think I did, like, two in my whole career. And one time I did that NACA thing. Did you ever do the NACA thing? I did.

Less than successful, some would say. Yeah, I did. Less than successful. I don't think they even let me fucking, I don't think they wanted me even remotely near it to even try to get colleges. I did very poorly there, yeah. Yeah, it just wasn't for me. And also I just realized I wasn't, not only was I too dirty for them, as time went on, I was getting further and further away from college age where I was like,

I don't even know why they'd want to see me anyway. Yeah, and a lot of them, it's like, not only do I see things differently than you, but I find your thought process to be boring and I don't respect the way you think. Right, I can't stand you. And it reads. Yeah, right.

It reads. I can't hide it. I don't know how to hide it. I can't hide it, and you're not going to like, you know what I mean? When I say, look, I don't hate Trump, you're going to boo me. Like you're not gonna like You know what I mean When I say look I don't hate Trump You're gonna boo me Like I know that

So why would I put myself In that position You should just do a tour Where you bring out Don Jr. With you to colleges Playing colleges All over the country Yeah with Don Jr.

He's a very good talker too So you know His memes are very funny Like I don't know If he does them all Or someone's helping him But he's very His Instagram has some

Really funny caustic show Well that's the thing Trump may be one of the Funniest motherfuckers on the internet i've ever seen he's like almost undefeated he put up that post he put up that last post about biden and it's just like i don't know how even biden doesn't want to retweet it because of how funny it is sometimes it's like it would no it's just it's him it's just him doing like uh mocking like his walking and all that shit, his stumbling through everything. It just kind of feels like Biden could win to me if he just also was like, yeah, fuck it. That is me.

And just fed into the beast a little bit. But he can't. And it's just so funny how, I forgot, lost my thought. You were talking about Biden and Trump. Yeah. Oh, I don't remember what I was going to say. I'm saying it would be kind of funny to watch Biden retweet a Trump tweet about him. Yeah.

Oh, here's what I was going to say. The thing with Trump, like calling people names and all that stuff, people go, it's childish. But the accuracy, the way he redefines people in the public's eye, or the way he says things that you didn't know you felt, like, ugh. Like Chris Christie tried it. Chris Christie, who's an uncharismatic man. Yeah, yeah. He's unpleasant to look at.

Yes. And he said, because Donald didn't want to debate, he goes, I'm going to call him Donald Duck because he's ducking. And everybody's like, oh, shut up, fatso. Nobody fucking,

everybody just wanted to hug him come here shut up and Trump's just like he's a disgusting slob yeah and it worked like immediately

yeah exactly have a sandwich die on the beach I really went right for it didn't he yeah like that but the thing is it's not just the name calling

it has to it has who has it said that the audience if you're okay with it they're okay with it like you can't sell it hoping they're okay with it like you can't sell it hoping they're okay with it you have to be who you are and the crowds can feel that so when trump

says shit like that people understand he means it like it's coming from that place whereas chris christie's like oh you're just trying to do somebody else's thing yeah and it's it doesn't work well it's like the definitive difference when you see a comic who's really found what they what they are or the cliche of what their voice is because man some comics you see

you know they're working out brand new whatever shit but even though it doesn't really work it still works yeah because you're like nah it's theirs anyway

it doesn't really matter that it's going through the machine you know what I mean you're still you can still tell it's a good product somewhere in there. That's why I loathe Ron DeSantis so much

because I think he reminds me of the kid who said something that the cool kids liked and went, that's pretty cool you said that. Now he can't shut up about it. Right. He just, he woke, not broke, broke, not woke. He just keeps saying the same things. But there's something in since,

even though I think he's very conservative, he believes what he says, there's something about him that I'm like, nah, he's a fucking poser. He's wearing heels and his boots. So happy they fucking caught him traipsing around. That was so funny, man. And they're right.

He's walking on the front of his feet. I've never been happier. I couldn't believe they dissected that. The internet is so fucking amazing. When they showed the diagram of the heels, I was like, holy fuck, that has to be real. Especially when they show the stills of him getting up out of a chair. And walking. He

steps on the front. He's stepping on the ball of his feet, not the fucking, the back. See, we'd give him more props if he just walked in heels. Just get fucking cool heels. I probably would have asked for his number at one point. You want to be Norton's type? Yeah. DeSantis, just get some fucking heels, you pussy.

Yeah, exactly. Just get some platforms and go to town. Stop traipsing around like that and being taller because you read that once, you asshole. Fucking liar. Yeah. Fucking big fruit. Just be who you are. Be who you are.

By the way, it would be kind of rad if all this goes away and nothing, you know, once he disappears, if he's like, I've been wanting to wear, here's my my whole fucking career this is all i've actually really wanted yeah it hurt me in the debates because my dick was hard the whole time i just stood up there with a pounding erection feeling pretty but hey who hasn't put panties on once in a while you know you want to try to be dirty i've never done it i've never put on panties it is fun huh I don't wear I'm not a cross dresser Like I don't wear them now But I've done it in a few things Like one girl would come over

And I'd put on thigh highs And she would just blow me It was so dirty It was just perverse It felt great How fun is that It was fun yeah How did you learn to break that

How did you learn to have the balls To just do it Stop giving a shit Yeah I wouldn't necessarily Take that chance It depends on what turns the woman on Like if a woman is dirty enough To enjoy that

But if a woman's dirty enough to enjoy that, but if a woman's like, like, oh, then it wouldn't do it. Right. Like I would be like, yeah,

you don't want to do that. But there was one woman I knew who used to like to dress guys up and humiliate them. That turned me on a lot. Like, cause you like it. It's so fucking dirty. It's like the dom sub thing or whatever. Yeah.

That was her vibe. And if it was her vibe, it turned me on. You never did the thing where it was like get kicked in the balls and all that shit? No. It stepped on your nuts or anything? I like dominatrixes, and I've dated one, but no. It was more like smothering and sensual domination, like the attitude of being dominated, cuck stuff, but never pain.

Never kicked in the balls. Right. I wouldn't mind my nipples twisted a little. And we tried strap-on, but it was just not happening. Yeah. Not happening. The beat the shit out of me thing on, but it was just not happening. Yeah. Not happening. The beat the shit out of me thing, I never could wrap my head around. No.

I was like, I don't want to be fucking hit. But the people that get hard from getting hit, that's a psychological, that is a wild, deep dive into your psyche. It sure is. I envy them. How easy would that be? If I take jujitsu now, what a great high that would be. Just to roll around on a rod. I imagine some people are taking jujitsu for that.

They like the contact, yeah. They go home and jerk off. Pain never did it for me, ever. I don't like inflicting pain. I don't like getting it. Yeah, like the choke me thing. That feels good. I've done that.

If somebody likes it, I've done it. But it doesn't express power to me. It was just a feeling of being choked when you come. I have an adamant fear of sure something bad will happen oh yeah yeah yeah and the explanation the cops you're like it was a mutual we were both into it she likes it i promise yeah and it's like sir you know this human's half your size yeah why how hard it's like the embarrassing part. Imagine calling the fucking family. I choked your daughter to death.

Yeah. A whatever argument. No, we were enjoying each other. We were fucking, it was beautiful. It was wonderful. And they say, why would you do that to your sister? No, but I mean, come on. Who isn't a, there's no bigger hero than David Carradine.

I mean, come on. Yeah. Fuck it. They said he died jerking off and ah, but who rules? King. Yeah, that's king shit. King.

That's king shit. That's king shit right there, man. That's king. Do I have time to piss? I know we're in the middle of it. I don't want to stop, but I'm going to piss my pants. Is that okay?

Yeah, take him to pee. Yeah, I don't want to. Take him. Well, it could be both. These are chairs. These are vintage chairs from, I don't even know. How long have you had them?

Seven or eight years. Oh, they still smell. Oh, yeah. What is that? What is on it? I can picture that. They've got a website on it. Interesting.

I like the long wick. It's a wood wick. That's a thick wick, yeah. Yeah, you know me. I like a thick wick, baby. Hell, yeah. I'm thick wicking all day. Thick black wick. Thick, I like a thick wick, baby. Hell yeah. I'm thick wicking all day. Thick black wick.

Thick, big, thick black wick. Yeah, let me huff that black wick right there. Yeah, fuck yeah. You like that better than white wicks, don't you? Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah. You like that thick black wick, don't you? No, I think it's because these chairs,

well, these chairs I bought from a vintage shop because I loved them so much and they were overpriced. And that one got broken by a famous drag queen, Trixie Mattel, broke that. I don't know Trixie. Yeah, her and Katya have a great, they have a big, she. Who's Katya? Another famous drag queen in that space.

But she broke that chair and she was like, oh, that's great. Now I feel fucking fat. I was like, no, no, no, it's a vintage chair. She's like, no, no, no, but how many guests have been in this? And I was like, a lot. 150. It was like one of those moments where she's like, fuck you, man. Yeah.

I was like, I'm so sorry. And we've also had Ralphie May. Yeah. Yeah. And he actually stood on this fuck. He jumped on this thing a few times. He swung down onto it, yeah. Were you close with him? I was friends with him, yeah. And he actually stood on this fuck. He jumped on this thing a few times. Yeah, he swung down onto it, yeah. Were you close with him?

I was friends with him, yeah. Last time I saw him, he came to see me in Nashville. I was doing the club, and Ralphie came by to say hello. And he looked bad, like really bad. And we were talking, and I wanted to take a picture with him. He said I didn't see him in a while, but I'm like, no, I don't want him to think that I'm doing it because he's fucked up. I found a picture of, it's from when the Opie and Anthony show was touring and doing gigs, like the ONA traveling virus.

And there's a picture of us broadcasting in Vegas poolside. And I think Anthony's in the pic and I am. I might be off to the side. And it's Patrice, Otto, and Ralphie. And it's like, fuck, all those guys are dead. Wow. Ten years later, it's crazy. That is fucking nuts.

I know. I don't know if you knew Otto and George, but Otto was a really, very underrated guy. Very funny guy. As a comedian? Yeah. As a person, hilarious. Yeah.

But yeah, very, very funny guy. He was a ventriloquist. We normally, you know, comics are usually shitty with ventriloquists. But he was brilliantly funny. Comics are shitty about fucking everything. They really are.

Yeah, fuck, it turns out we're dickheads about fucking everything. Yeah, exactly. Maybe we should just focus on our own fucking dreck. Well, that's what happened. I think the thing that happens

with comics is there is inherently this judgmental thing that comes along with like the purity and whatever the fuck that even means because if you look back

to the beginnings of all this anyway uh comedy or live performance it all comes from like these vaudevillian uh multi-layered uh variety acts anyway so what's the purity in saying like you can't use this or you can't do that or the idea that we just have to be just us with a microphone saying one thing, doing it a type of way, it's all fucking bullshit. Whatever's going to make your audience enjoy you and your performance, I couldn't fucking care less. Yeah, a thousand years ago, you would have put on Curly Q shoes

with a bell on them, you fucking middle. You would have ran around dancing, chugging the king. So they don't cut your fucking head off. Yeah, with a fun hat, a five-pointed hat with bells. Gesturing would be so much. I would have loved to be a jester. That's like, fucking sign me up, dude. The pressure of that.

Yeah. The pressure. The pressure would be so great. You're not feeling it. Yeah, you think Madison Square Garden is hard? Dave Chappelle? Yeah. Try being a fucking jester.

Try King Edward IV. Yeah, or Henry VIII. Yeah, Henry VIII. Just tapping his foot. Yeah. Just staring his foot. Yeah. Just staring at you, not laughing. And you catch him just glancing at his axe off to the side. Pointing at it.

It's a new axe. That's what corporate gigs feel like. Yeah. Yeah, you feel like you're a fucking jester waiting for them to make the decision whether or not they're going to kill you or cut you off early. Would they kill the jester? I don't know if they would or would he just get fired? What was being fired for a court jester? I think did get i think they got murdered i feel like they did get

fucking murdered maybe if you were offensive but what if you just weren't good like would the king ever go next would there be a rotating you know you know what it's like uh they got rid they took care of you so who knows you know that's one of those like they banish you probably down to a place where you you're you Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the shit ravines. You know they had those old tunnels where, because all the toilets would go down to one shit ravine that would pool out. Yeah, I mean, no sewer system whatsoever. And maybe they just throw you in the shit ravine and let you hang out for a little while.

Head first. Dip you in. Yeah. Dip you down. Dip you in the ravine. That's where Dairy Queen got that whole idea from, of dipping you down. Yeah, pulling a jester out of a shit ravine. That looks delicious.

This looks pretty good. Yeah, I think I never get bothered by... I used to think that there was some sort of purity to it, and then you see enough different kinds of acts where it's like, oh, I just... Like, I like a Colin Quinn because of his style, and then I like a bigger, more boisterous comic because of their...

I just... I don't know, it doesn't really... Like, to me, it's actually more interesting to find younger comics who are super unique and don't do anything like I've ever seen before. I get interested in it immediately because I'm like, oh, this is cool. I've never seen this guy.

Like we talked about that kid the other day, that Morgan Jay kid. He's very interactive with the audience and he's a phenomenal singing voice. And he does all this different shit and it's like, I think it's cool to see something different. Yeah, and as long as you're true to who you are, what makes you funny as a person,

that's the only thing you need to worry about. Because comedians, again, will have opinions and this fake attachment to what they consider making it art. And it's like, just do what you do. Who gives a fuck who else does? Mind your business. That's why comedians getting angry at other comedians for jokes. Fucking eat shit. Eat shit. Who cares?

I don't care. You're a platform. Oh, shut up. Do what you want with your fucking platform. I don't care. Speaking of platform, Ron DeSantis, we're going to say it one more time. Please put on platform shoes. Absolutely. Just wear a skirt already. Stop trying to be Alfie, you fucking little

Nancy. Just get out there and traipse and then talk about how much you hate gays. I like that, Nancy. Ninny. Ninny was a good one. Was that for gays? No, you little Ninny. Yeah, you never heard that one?

No, Panty Boy. Panty Boy. I saw one video of this woman used to fuck guys and make her husband just suck her toes. And she's like, that's it, Panty Boy. And I fucking, I think my cum hit the ceiling. her husband just like suck her toes and she's like that's it panty boy and i fucking i think my cum hit the ceiling i was like it's it's so dirty because they seem like a real couple yeah and she's like that's it panty boy and she slapped him i was like oh he must love that being called panty boy he's sucking her fucking feet yeah yeah she was taking a real cock so demeaning yeah i

used to have this beautiful woman would talk to me about that we never had a threesome but she was telling me how like when she got fucked by a guy with a bigger dick, I was just going to have to suck her toes. Wow. That was a source of great pleasure. But I never did it, because I was like, I just didn't.

No cuckery for you at all? I've tried a little bit, sure, but not in my current marriage or my relationship now. But I've done a couple, and I've tried most of it, and it was okay. You've got to respect the boundaries and draw the lines, but talking about a lot of that stuff is much better. I'm a talker it, and it was okay. You gotta respect the boundaries and draw the lines, but talking about a lot of that stuff

is much better. I'm a talker. You talk it out. Talk it out, text it out. I have a ferocious appetite for that, but as far as doing it, make sure you're ready. Let's make sure we're ready.

One girl I tried cuck stuff with, I watched her blow guys a couple times. It was hot, but it was two and a half years into a relationship where we both knew it was okay. Right, right, right. And then we broke up right after. Who finds the guy? She did. We would look on, this was back when Craigslist

was on. And she used to talk dirty to them on the phone while I fucked her. It was hot. Being on the phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She would look at guys who had sent her pictures and she thought they had a big dick or she liked them. Like, I would just either fuck her or go down on her while she was on the phone with them and they didn't know. That's fucking wild. Yeah, it was fun.

We turned her on a lot and we did it from home. There was no one else involved. Comfort of your own house. Just in the bedroom. They guys don't know on the other line. No, that was the fun part. Yeah, that is really. That was the fun part. You were like the guy that created all those great categories of porn that we now enjoy today.

You're the godfather of all that stuff. Yeah, eating it while she talks to the movie. Was there any of those videos? Yeah. Right. Yeah, the cuckery thing, I don't know. For me, it'd be so tough. It'd be so tough.

Oh, sure. For most guys, understandable. Yeah. Ego shit, I guess. That's really what it is. Yeah. If you ego death yourself, then you just get over it and probably just stop giving it up. Yeah.

Maybe I came to the conclusion that I'm a nothing. So I think once you get to that point, I'm a nothing and she deserves something. She deserves the world and she deserves a big black wick. Yeah. At some point. Yeah. Or a white one or whatever color she wants. Whatever hurts more than mine does.

God bless her. God bless her. That hit the walls. You never felt that before, did you? People at home, please check out. Now, it can't be the pod. It has to be a video installation, right? Well, these are actual videos.

We taped something that was like this, but it can't be released as audio only. But it's in the infancy. It's not worked out yet. Our background is not worked out, but we haven't put that up yet. The videos we have now, it's just like our first anniversary and just little pieces of our live. Most of them are like 10 minutes, 12 minutes. They're not long. But you're still going to keep building that as a video show or a pod show,

whatever you want to call it. On YouTube, whatever it is. I love it, man. I'm enjoying doing it. It's what we want to. She and i are both really happy with it so there's no one telling us don't say that or don't so it's like you know i mean like if it sucks people don't like it well then it's our fault right we can't blame anyone but ourselves well it's probably not gonna suck and then also fans at home uh go go check out jim on tour uh what's the website? Jim Norton.com for my, my dates. The tour picture is fucking awful. I was fat when he took it. My head is pale and,

uh, you swollen in it. I'm swollen. And I like have to see it. Nikki and Jim NYC is the YouTube page. Yeah. Yeah. The,

uh, the picture you'll see, I like it was, it wasn't like literally he was just snapping photos that she was trying to fix my shirt, but it was a shirt. She likes me, but I was too fat for it. And I hate this tour picture.

It's not good. It's not catchy. It stinks. It's jimnorton.com, right? Yeah. The tour picture when it goes to tour, look at it on a phone especially. What a fucking egg-headed nothing. It's a terrible photo.

It's a terrible fucking photo. But wait, you still have it up on there. Because it honestly was the least awful photo taken me that day. I looked so fat. This doesn't look anything like you. I'm much fatter there than I am now, and that's saying something. That's probably about two months ago. Can I see it again while you hold it up?

Yeah, hold on. Let me look it up. Yeah, I'm just a pig, a fucking fat pig. This doesn't really look like you at all. It's washed out. It's shit. People are going to go to this and go, that's not the Jim Norton that I think I know. Yeah, I'm going to get a new one taken. We'll get you a new one

soon. Yeah, I have to very soon. We'll go to JimNorton.com Check out the tour dates. I appreciate you coming very much. Look into that camera right there. That's yours and say, we end the episode the same way. One word or one phrase. Whatever comes to mind to end the episode whenever you're ready. Silly goose! In here, we pour

whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk You're that creature in the ginger beard Sturdy and ginger Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse Gingers are beautiful You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse Gingers are hell no This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.