Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Johnny Pemberton

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

On the show for the first time it's Johnny Pemberton! He's such a funny guy. It was a great hang! Check him out on the new Amazon series Fallout and his new live show: Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Bag. 🤣 https://www.johnnypemberton.dog/ #johnnypemberton #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino ================================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey LUCY 20% OFF YOUR 1ST ORDER PROMO CODE: WHISKEY https://lucy.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I like gingers. It's like... It's British. I don't appreciate it as much as I probably should, I guess. Yeah, because think about how bad... His last name is Corkery. Corkery, yeah. Oh, Corkery's here. There it is. No, it's Corkery. Oh! Oh, there's Corkery over there.

Oh, there's fucking Corkery. There's Corkery. Oh, there's fucking Corkery. It's a Scottish guy. It's a Scottish... I got made fun of on a live show this past weekend by a Scottish guy. Just coming at me. Wait, a Scottish person made fun of you? Uh guy. Just coming at me.

Wait, a Scottish person made fun of you? Uh-huh. Coming at me like full speed. That's all the Scots do is make fun of people. It's kind of fun. Yeah. Because they're not intimidating people. Yeah.

Like Bobby can get away with being mean to people because he's short and round. Same with me. Yeah, well, you're not short. You're just skinny. I'm small. You're skinny. I don't weigh a lot. How much do you weigh?

Oh, wait. you're not short. You're just skinny. I'm small. You're skinny. I don't weigh a lot. How much do you weigh? Oh, wait. Give me your hand. 148. 145, but that's close enough. Yeah, no, you're a little bit heavier this morning for some reason. Yeah. Maybe I am. I didn't weigh.

I didn't weigh myself. I think 148. If you go home. I was supposed to weigh myself before I came in here? Yeah, that's why the scale is out in the lobby. It doesn't matter. Oh, shit. Okay. But that's why we scale is out in the lobby. It doesn't matter, but that's why we put it out there. I thought that was like a thing for packages or something like that. It's so big.

Yeah, I mean, you're the package on the show. This is the whole show. I hope this works. That chair's been broken twice, by the way. Really? Trixie Mattel broke it. Do you know Trixie? Yes. Yeah, Trixie broke this chair and was very upset about it. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing to break a chair. It was, and we all booed. Trixie? Yes. Yeah, Trixie broke this chair and was very upset about it. Oh, my God. That's, like, so embarrassing to break a chair.

It was. And we all booed. Trixie's not huge. No. No, we booed when she did it. Oh, God. I was like, boo, bitch. These are vintage chairs.

These aren't vintage. These are vintage Ikea, right? No, these are vintage. This is 1976 these chairs are from. No way. Yeah, these are beautiful chairs. They've been restored twice. The poing, you know the Ikea Poing, the one that everyone had?

I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure this is like, they stole it from this probably. From this kind of design? Yeah, it feels like it. Here's how you know these are vintage. When you lift up the cushions and all this stuff and you see- Smells good. Well, it smells like, you remember in the 80s and 90s, the smell of cigarettes on cloth?

Oh, yeah. That's what these smell like. Like a good bar? Yeah. Like how a bar is supposed to smell? Yeah. Why don't bars smell like that anymore? Because you can't smoke in them.

Yeah, but even the old bars you could smoke in, it's almost like they got rid of the smell somehow instead of leaving it gross. There's a couple. Yeah. Culver City's got some. We went to a couple. There's a dive bar in Culver City called The Cozy Inn.

It's next door to a gun store. I don't know that one. You could get a gun and get a beer, and they give you kind of a discount on Wednesdaynesdays you have to do gun beer okay yeah you can't do beer gun i would think it would be the other way around you get more i guess it's bad either way right because you have a gun you're getting drunk or if you're drunk and you get a gun probably yeah it's definitely worse to get drunk and then get a gun yeah you can't do beer gun you can do gun beer because i feel like with the gun then you buy it and you realize when you hold it in your sober hands, the physical and social weight of what's going on.

Yeah, you get cut off. Right. And then you get fucked up. You go next door and get a gun. I got cut off for the first time ever. What? First time in my entire life I got cut off. Give me the-

You've been cut off before? I've been- By a bartender? Denied. They just see you're there but they don't serve you that is kind of a similar not actively

no never been like you've had enough oh my god what's the story it's the most embarrassing that was at renaissance fair renaissance festival and I got cut off

wait were you dressed up oh yeah you have to I always do wait you're getting cut off dressed up as what though oh I just it's like a weird I wore like some some vintage, like some 70s pants. I have like a, you know, one of those tops has like a piece of leather instead of buttons.

Correct, yeah. I have like a weird, funky hat on. Does it tie in the front, the shirt? It ties, but I keep it loose, you know, I got to air out. I'm wearing like a bunch of pouches and stuff. A bunch of satchels. I'm carrying a giant leaf, like a giant leaf. Yeah, it's been working on it for a while.

It's a good costume. It's sort of like this weird, I call it the funky woodsman or something like that. Ooh, funky woodsman. Because I'm very, very high. I'm very high and I'm drinking. But yeah, I got cut off at the bar. The last bar before you leave,

she... This is in Orange County, right? Isn't that where they do it? This is in Irwindale it's like 40 minutes east of here okay okay in Lindia the Irwindale Recreation Dam

that's where they have it they've had it there every year at the dam at the dam where that belongs it is nice though it is nice is it?

it's kind of secluded okay yeah you're down this little valley but I go up to the bar and I was you know I was in character because I was super high I've been walking around

being like oh what we've got here. Could I get myself a cart of mangoes, please? I'll take your finest mango cart out. Something like that, you know? Yeah. Are they playing along, the servers, or no? They usually do. Yeah.

They love to play along. That's the whole thing. Right, I would imagine. Because that's the whole point of the festival is that you get to be like not be yourself for a couple hours you can say whatever you want you can get away with like you know being a weird you can scream you can say like what we are just fought it you know no one cares it's like a funny thing there's like little kids walking around trying to like is this a potion or is this a is this a uh a health potion you're like this one is like no that's the you know it's like all these little people.

It's all playtime. It's total playtime. So I'm doing that to this lady, ordering a beer, my final beer. I've already had like a couple, couple beers at this point. And like,

they're fucking huge, right? And I just, they do the Steins of beer? Yeah. No, they don't do Steins. It's,

you know what? It's kind of like, and every year has been taken over a bit by, corporate. It's just less. This and every year has been taken over a bit by, Corporate. It's just less. This year, they had a fucking bus in the back

that was doing like tattoos. And we saw that, like that really, ugh, it just fucking ruined it. Tattoos at Renfair? Yeah, like a huge orange bus

that's parked by where the joust is and they have like a, the bus is running and they're giving like tattoos and stuff like that there. Are you sure anyone didn't go to an ICP concert? I think that might have been where you were.

They're starting to merge. They're starting to become the same thing, I think. It is funny to think how even those things are so innocent, can also be corrupted by the thing. Everything's corruptible now. It's too easy. It's like you can't do a thing legally

without it being like well Anheuser-Busch would love to help you out with that city permits then you gotta pay for this and that you have to have a sponsor

so you go up to this person you ask for a beer right and I ask for a beer in that parlance the parlance of the fair like sort of like that was the parlance

I was using this year because it came to me nicely like you know sort of like the old like a cockney dude kind of thing. And there's a sign that says if you appear

under 30, we will card you, right? Yeah, and you've appeared under 30 since I've known you. Exactly. But I have my ID out, ready to go. I'm saying something to her about that and she's like, no, I can't serve you. And then I stop the thing

I'm like oh I was just I was just joking with you I would like to order a beer and she's like oh did you not

hear what I said I said I won't serve you like what the look at my friend Andy's right next to me he just ordered a water like what is going

like are you serious like I definitely was not wasted what's her reasoning, do you think? Because you were fucking around too much? I think because I was fucking around too much. And maybe she could see something that I didn't feel necessarily.

Maybe, like, how I felt. Like, oh, I'm just having a good time. And I can, like, turn on. Because I'm the guy who people never think is drunk. Like, I can be really wasted and be like, oh, wow, I'm very wasted right now. Like, I just don't like this and show up. Yeah. That's because you're a.

A sociopath. Yeah. Right. Exactly. It's that. It's a touch of that. Touch of the path. Yeah.

A little bit of pay. And something else. I don't know. But maybe my eyes are super bloodshot or something. But I definitely was very surprised, especially once I stopped doing the accent thing. I was just like, no, I'm sorry. I just like like a beer yeah

just one beer yeah and she was like you're gonna be you're gonna be glad I did this you're gonna be glad I'm like okay

now I'm gonna be talking about this on a podcast in a couple of weeks exactly I'll be blowing up I'm talking about it now I wonder if she's watching she's probably not

she really is she probably doesn't have a TV well we're on the internet so that's the good news she could be on anything like a piece of leather she looks at a piece of leather she she stares at leather and makes up her

own scenarios maybe my favorite show look at my favorite show i don't think she was doing the accent either she wasn't even having fun no see that's like i i think if you're gonna go in i'm gonna go full in on those things right like we took the nieces to um um, the girls to, uh, to Disney. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, man, play it.

You gotta play along. You gotta go deep. You gotta do the thing. You gotta pretend. Yeah. When we were in Harry Potter land or whatever at Universal, we did, I did the thing.

What'd you do? I put on a cape and I was like pretending like, yeah, I pretended like I was, uh, a sorcerer. Did you have a wand? Yeah,

we got, everybody got a wand. Nice. Yeah. I went, I actually took some, which by the way are like 500 that's the thing like i was like this one has chosen you little one the price of those places is one of those things where you're like i'm sorry did you just like move a decimal point or something like that yeah there's stuff where you have to get the vip or the front of the line pass otherwise you're gonna be waiting for two and a half hours at least yeah i'm to be waiting for two and a half hours. At least, yeah, at least.

I'm not going to wait for two and a half hours in the heat. So you pay the extra. You're like, I just paid you $500 on top of- Yeah, what I already paid to get here, to park. Like, what the fuck? I don't understand how people have kids have a full family and take them to those places without spending a couple grand on nothing. So, hope you enjoy this because this is going to be the next five years.

This is it. This is it. Yeah, this is it. Do you want shoes for when you grow or do you want to go see Harry Potter World one time in the next five years? It's great to think of these kids in school with no shoes and someone's like, why don't you have shoes? Like, we went to Disneyland this summer.

It's like, oh, that's cool. I wish. I wish. I'm jealous. And she doesn't have socks either. It's like, yeah, we went to Disney World and Disneyland. We got both. So layers of clothes come off no matter how depending on how many

vacations you took like dad didn't pay for bail it's like all right I can get out of prison or you guys can go to Disneyland did you guys take family vacations when you were a kid a little bit not really though we barely ever did that shit we did it one time I remember being just miserable like we take a van oh yeah you drove oh we drove from like minnesota to did we drive to florida everyone from the west drove to florida at least once that's what i was saying i did i do a joke on stage about that that most of us growing up in that time period you drove to vacation flying was it was like no we're not gonna fly i don't know why though, people. I mean, cause I think it was so cheap to drive. It was because back then you bought a car. Yeah. You didn't finance a fancy car back then. You bought the car you could literally afford, right? So my

dad's car was most definitely paid off or whatever. What was it? Well, I mean, back then was, uh, we had a, uh, a Buick LeSabre. Oh my God. That's such a classic car, the LeSabre. Yeah, and then he had a Cutlass. We had a Cutlass. A Cutlass, a Cutlass Sierra? Yeah, a Cutlass Sierra, yeah. That's a Chevy or is that Oldsmobile? Oldsmobile Cutlass, yeah. These are all cars that I grew up around,

like was taught to hate. The Buick LeSabre, by the way, was such a, God, I fucking hated that car. I fucking hated it. It was such an ugly, but I mean, no one back then had... We maybe know a few people that had really nice, fancy, brand new cars, but pretty rare. Most people drove regular, down the middle of the road, car, car.

Either your dad had a truck or a big fucking suburban SUV, or the dad just drove those, like a shitty sedan. My dad used to drive a lot of different cars. He'd go through them. Was your dad a car guy? Yeah, he was a car guy. See, funny, I'm a car guy. My dad used to drive a lot of different cars. He'd go through them. Was your dad a car guy? Yeah, he was a car guy. See, it's funny. I'm a car guy.

My father never was. Really? That's why I think I love it so much. My dad worked in the automotive industry and didn't give a fuck about cars.

Really? Well, he worked in aftermarket automotive. Oh, okay. So, he's a grease monkey? 100%, yeah. Was he really a grease monkey? Well, we say grease ape.

We can't say it. We didn't say grease ape. Oh, a grease person a person of slippery persuasion a man that's difficult to pin down physically that's right he slips and slides what did your dad

what was his car's did he have a collection of cars? he liked Saabs you're like Jerry Seinfeld he'd always have one car at a time. But then he'd flip them off. Yeah, he'd flip them. He had a Scout for a while. It had holes in the floor.

Whoa. Like a Scout International. Yeah, where you could see the road beneath your feet. Yeah, that thing was cool. He had a Mercedes for a little bit, I think. And a BMW, a little like a tiny BMW. Like a 3 Series. Yeah, a 325 iX.

That was the best car. Love. Love. Oh, my God. Oh, it was 89, 91. I had a 1985 325E. That was the best car love love oh my god was it 89? 91 I had a 1985 325e that was like my favorite that car was

rear wheel drive manual huh? manual right? yeah rear wheel drive and the and you had to put

50 pound sandbags over the rear wheels just to get in the winter yeah so we got traction yeah this one was

my dad was like I'm not we're not putting on different tires on your car for the for the winter that's, so we got traction. Yeah. My dad was like, we're not putting on different tires on your car for the winter. That's insane. Did he have a thick

Chicago accent? No, my dad dad. My stepdad did not really. My stepdad's from North Carolina. He's a mountain man. I just love that Chicago accent, man.

Yeah, my dad. Yeah, Andrew. We're not doing that. When my dad calls, hey, Ian, just got out of the hospital. He called me two days ago my dad went to the hospital again and i said why he goes oh i i he went to my aunt's uh funeral and he goes

uh yeah afterwards uh we're eating and uh everybody goes home and gets sick so i got food poison here's the funniest part about my dad he couldn't figure out what possibly gave him food poisoning. I go, name the things that people brought to the funeral. He goes, there was hot dogs, hamburgers. I'm like, no, no. He goes, there was potato salad. I go, ding, ding, ding. He goes, you think it was potato salad? I was like, what?

Yeah. The easiest thing to get sick from is mayo in the sun. It's the middle of, was it sunny though? It's the winter. No, it's actually not that bad in Chicago right now. Yeah. It's kind of nice. Yeah, I still eat potato salad.

But it doesn't matter. It's like potato salad out in a room temperature for a few hours. I had that drilled into me forever. I was so scared to eat potato salad for the longest time because the news have like four people died at a family picnic because of potato salad oh what the fuck is going on with this stuff i mean i i'm lucky because i hated it i hate i don't i love it now i don't like mayo based like potato salad chicken salad egg salad i'm always like i don't like i don't love it yeah i'm a mailman you're a mailman i'm a mailman my brother's like a crazy my brother like adds mayo to stuff no no it's like the whitest thing ever yeah mayo is white yeah i'm the opposite i like uh spice i like spice too but i'm saying like i like spice

too no nice try man no no i like both nice you can like both i like mayo and spice call me when you're not lying about spicy spicy mayo oh i'll take like out like like uh mustard yeah give me the spiciest mustard spiciest mustard that's me Give me... The spiciest mustard? Spiciest mustard. That's me. My favorite. That's me. Regular mustard is gone.

I go to... You've been to Philips? Love French dip. Philips French dip. You ever go down there and... You go down there to Philips and get yourself an old French dip. Give me a soaking wet extra beef. I'm going to sit upstairs in the cafeteria.

The Chicago guys, do they say sweetheart or is that just Southerners? We don't really say sweetheart. Yeah, maybe sweetheart. Sweetheart, give me a double dip there like Al would do. Hey, how you doing, sweetheart? Give me two burgers, fries. What do you guys want? Cheese fries! They're always yelling backwards. Hey! You guys want cheese fries?

No, put the dog down! No, don't do that. Don't grab it by the tail. That's why he bites you. That's my favorite thing to do on a call, like a phone call. That thing where you're like talking to someone. She said it's going to be 15 minutes. I don't know. My wife is waiting.

She's waiting for a package, so we're going to have to wait around. I don't know. Like so loud, just screaming. No. Is your wife actually home when you do that? Does she play along? She's usually home alone. Yeah, this is when you're by yourself.

Yeah, by myself. Would your wife play along with that or no? No. She will not be implicated in anything like that. She's like shy away. She's like, don't do that to us, please. No. Well, you know what I like to do?

If we go to a restaurant and you walk in and they do that thing where you're like, it's going to be an hour and an hour and a half wait. I always go like this. I go, oh, all right, give me one second. And then we leave and we never come back. Oh, yeah. So I want them hoping that maybe I'm going to put my name down at some point. But they know.

I'm not there. No, I don't know. You think they think they think of it? I go, can you give us one second? We walk outside. That's it. We never come back. I know at the end of the night she goes, what happened to that ginger man that came in?

What happened to that guy? Maybe he died. Maybe he went outside, stepped off the curb and end of the night she goes what happened to that ginger man that came in that guy maybe he died maybe he went outside stepped off the curb and died that ginger man what happened to that ginger man you're a mayo man i'm a ginger man i'm a man you're a ginger man you've always been a mayo man i kind of i've kind of got mayo in the blood yeah got mayo in the blood i know in the blood bit of mayo wait let's go backwards when you took this car ride to do you remember it going down to flor from Minnesota? Barely. I just remember like- He's Minnesota trash too, by the way. Oh, you are?

Yeah. Oh, shit. Scum. Scum, scum, scum. What part? I'm from like in between St. Cloud- In between. That's all I got to know.

In between. Up north. Up north. Up north. Say the name of the town. Otsego. Otsego, Minnesota. By Elk River and Rogers.

Wow. You know Rogers up there? Yeah, we went up there a couple times. Yeahsego, Minnesota. By Elk River and Rogers. Wow. You know Rogers up there? Yeah, we went up there a couple times. Yeah, oh yeah. My aunt lives up around there. We had to visit her. She's sick. Oh, she's quite sick, eh?

She ate a bunch of potatoes that had green on them, the next thing you know. But it was a couple years ago. She's hanging on. She's slowly hanging on. She's hanging on. She lost her arm. Well, we can't bathe her. That's why.

We can't bathe her, but you know what? It's actually sped her up. She moves hanging on. She lost her arm. Well, we can't bathe her. That's why. We can't bathe her, but you know what? It's actually sped her up. She moves faster now. It was kind of dead weight, honestly. I'm from Rochester. Rochester. JM. Yeah, this is all making me feel like, oh, God.

No. The place you left forever ago. But you're not ashamed of it. You love home, don't you? I'm not ashamed of it you love home I'm not ashamed it's more just like I don't love it oh see cause I

cause I love Chicago but Chicago is like a fucking Chicago is Paris of the Midwest you know what I mean you said it Rochester Minnesota

is just the Mayo Clinic and that is it that's all it is that's why you're into Mayo that much yeah it is the greatest place for cancer research

on the planet it is well so that's pretty huge. You know what I mean? I guess so. I mean, also, all that stuff is arguable, you know,

but it's up there with... Yeah. It's the place now. It used to be WebMD. Now when someone's like, I got this weird rash. I think it's this. MayoClinic.com says it's...

says it's syphilis. You know, it's always MayoClinic.com and not WebMD. That's pretty cool to take over, though. It is. It's like to be the Wikipedia of medical issues. Yeah, the Wikipedia of symptoms. Yeah. I's always MedPrint.com and not WebMD. That's pretty cool to take over though. It is. That's like to be the Wikipedia of medical issues. Yeah, the Wikipedia of symptoms.

Yeah. I don't do it anymore. I can't even look. I've never done it. I'm anti. The issue is then I go to a doctor now and they don't know it. The biggest thing I feel the most, I used to like it when doctors lied to us when we were young and they would just get wrong, be it wrong.

Yeah. I'd rather that than when they go, we're not really sure what it is. I had a back issue that I've had for a couple of years. I had a herniated disc. Have you read the book? Sarno? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay.

I've read them all. But I mean, I went to like all these different guys, went to orthos and all these guys. And dude, I've gone through so much experimental medicine. It's crazy. And then it takes like one other doctor to be like, I'm pretty sure this is from a hip impingement. Really?

And I'm like, so this is not my, and they're like, yeah, let's do, let's give you some x-rays. And you see it and you're like, was everybody wrong or lying or what was it that they just didn't, that they see it and they go, I don't know. We don't know. Fuck it. I feel like that's one of those things where, because I've been in and out of the hospital a lot because I had really bad, you know, bowel disease. You have IBS? I had IBD. Crohn's?

IBS is like irritable bowel syndrome. That's when you just sort of like, you know, have stress or allergies, but IBD is inflammatory bowel disease. So I had colitis. Oh yeah, colitis. But I had my colon removed about 20 years ago at the Mayo Clinic. So do you have a... Colostomy bag? Yeah. I had one for a couple months, but I don't have one it's a two part surgery which I mean this is like it's like a lot to talk about I talk about it I do a show now

it's a one man show where I talk all about this stuff because it's like it's a lot of information honestly is it called talking shit? it's called Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Bag

actually I would call it talking shit but I feel like they wouldn't be able to put it on a marquee that's right we got to remove your colon it's all

everyone's Jamaican at the Mayo Clinic. It would be fucking great. Amazing. It's about like my obsession with reggae, but it's like, it's the, you know, it's like the whole story and things. But yeah, I did have a colostomy bag for about three months between these two surgeries. Yeah. I was going to say, never when I knew you, did you have one though?

No. Because it was quick. Yeah. Yeah. You would know. I would be talking about it or I would just be like hiding away all the time. So what happens when they remove it? Then what do you, then everything is, you're one though? Because it was quick. Yeah. You would know. I would be talking about it or I would just be like hiding away all the time. So what happens when they remove it? Then everything is, you're okay now?

Basically how it works is that- You can live without it. You can live without a colon. Yeah. It's different, but it's better than living with a bad colon. So I'm very, very ignorant. Okay. What's the change that needs to happen now that you do not have the colon?

Well, there's no change. So what happens is they, okay, so the surgery works like this. There's two parts. The first surgery, they go in, they remove your entire large intestine, your colon. Insane. And they hook up the end of your small intestine to the colostomy bag. That's like in front of your abdomen here. Got it.

That's what the colostomy bag is. Because they make sort of like a new rectum slash colon out of the ending of your small bowel, your small intestine. Wow. It's called the J pouch in my case. There's different types of them. But they make that and they connect it to your anus. So it becomes your new rectum thing.

But that is not ready to be used yet. Because it needs to. It has to heal up. Yeah. So for those two or three months you have while it's healing up, you shit out of a colostomy bag. Great. And so you have that. And then once everything is healed up in there, you have another surgery.

It's not as intense, only a few days recovery. And they reconnect everything. And then after that surgery, you will shit out of your asshole once again. Rock and roll. So that's where I have been since, yeah, over 20 years now. That's nuts. I'm really lucky, though, because there's people who have had that surgery who, like, have major complications and they have to reverse the surgery.

There's all kinds of stuff. Like, I'm super lucky. When do you have to go get it done again? Do you have to? Hopefully never. So this is it for life? Yeah. It's not like, you know, when they do, like...

Like a valve replacement? Yeah, like, hearts you have to do every, like, 15 or 20 years or something? I don't know. I think a lot of times they don't think you're gonna last that long for certain things because it's like if you get 10 extra years with a heart you're probably like oh i'm gonna use these years baby i'm gonna fucking use them yeah throwing away all your statins you're like i'm gonna ruin this thing as fast as i can yeah i've been super lucky i don't think they have to do any upkeep at all i do have to go in in and get a colonoscopy once a year.

I have to just make sure it's still sealed up and everything. But I think I would know if it was broken. I go get a colonoscopy every month. Every month? Just for fun. You have a punch card? Yeah. Who's your doctor?

We'll talk about it off the pot, obviously. Dr. Anoush. Oh, Dr. Anoush. Yeah. Barbara Gadouk Anoush. Barbara Gadouk Anoush. You know that guy? Barbara Gadouk Anoush? Yeah, I see his brother. Oh, you do Anoush. Yeah. Barbara Gadouk Anoush. Barbara Gadouk Anoush. I see... You know that guy?

Barbara Gadouk Anoush? Yeah, I see his brother. Oh, you do? Baba G. Oh, Baba G is great. Yeah. He's a mayo guy. Yeah, he loves mayo.

He just loves mayo. Yeah, it's insane. He just puts it... He uses that for lube. Yeah, lube. That's his lube. His mayo. From his sandwiches.

I mean, it's great. It's natural. Yeah. You know, you use the excess. It's great. It's great, baby. I had to go get a bunch of, we're in the medical world. I had to go get a bunch of prostate exams because I had prostatitis.

Do you know prostatitis? It sounds like it's the inflammation of the prostate. He got it. So it's just generic inflammation. But it's so weird. It's like there is no, they can point it to a million things over why you get it. But sometimes it's an infection. Sometimes it's it's like there is no they can point it to a million things over why you get it but sometimes it's an infection sometimes it's the body's reaction but it hurts like fucking crazy when you pee it would hurt like in my taint when i would sometimes when i pee sometimes and i would drop the kids off at the pool like it depended on when i would what time of year it

was or how bad it was it was like enlarged yeah or well it's it's it's it's um inflamed inflamed just because it's responding to something else weird dude it hurt like crazy yeah so when people like how was the prostate was the prostate exams crazy like that pales in comparison to the pain you feel yeah he could have stuffed a fucking you know a hoagie up my ass i wouldn't have cared i the pain from that was insane sometimes at night in the middle of the night how they treat it there's a bunch of different you can take a bunch of different pills they try they give you a bunch of different stuff to see what you took oh god i don't know i took maybe 10 different things but it's gone it hasn't been around in a long time but but now if it comes back it's almost

like a panic attack where i know it's coming did you when did you read that john sarno book wearing your back issues two or three months after I herniated my disc originally. Right. So you put any credence into that book at all? Yeah. Yeah. But you still kept seeing all these specialists for it though. Yeah, because...

It was painful. Because I was in extreme pain. Yeah. I was in quite, quite debilitating pain. The first thing they ask you when you go to see a certain orthos and specialist, they say like... Have you read the book? Yeah. Have you read the book? Do you want to leave and go read the book at the parking lot? So do you know about the secret? They say do you do you have suicidal tendencies or thoughts? Are you serious? A high amount of people that are in nerve pain is

Quick to go to the darkest depths of the because it's not like I broke my arm right nerve pain iserve pain is. It's different. People that know, know it's, I can't even describe. It does something to your brain where you think I could give up. I could give up because it's so painful. Nothing fixes it. Right. Like,

dude, I was, I was, what did you say to the doctor though? What, how'd you answer? What have I, did you say yes?

No, I said there was, I said there are days when I am, uh, there's days when I just don't want to leave the house because i'm so fucking frustrated and mad damn and i'll just lay down on the floor to try to give some sort of relief yeah but i haven't it didn't get dark like that never got that dark but you've never had that in general i feel like all can be suicidal thoughts yeah not suicidal thoughts but but a grave depression i mean i have depression anxiety

but that's, you know, standard. That's what I mean. I mean, like I've, but I've never had the thought of like, I gotta get,

I'm going to get out of here. But you've never thought about it. Like, um, like I wouldn't do it, but I'm going to think about how I would, if I would, but I'm not going to,

I couldn't do it. Never even thought about it. Like the process. I thought about you thinking about it. So I guess that's kind of one in the same. I thought about me killing you. Yeah. I thought about you murdering me no i've never thought i've never thought uh no and by the way i know me if i was gonna go out like if i found out that like i only have a certain amount of time left i know me it's it's i'm gonna go on a boat

somewhere i'm gonna get sauced up every day and just slip till i'm not around anymore yeah because you got to get the life insurance for the family. That's right. We can cut that. All states listening in. All right, he tipped us off to what he's going to do. Okay, so you've got to do something else than that. Yeah, I'll do something else. See that book, I don't know. For me, that John Sarno book, it changed my life

because I had really bad back pain for a long time. And now I just have migrating pain. Now it moves. Yeah, I just have migrating pain. No, it moves. Yeah. I mean, cause that's definitely a thing. Like all bowel diseases are stress related, like deeply related to stress, like almost direct line to where if you're relaxed, your bowels relax. They even say that. So it's the kind of thing where so much stuff feels like you just, if you're, if you feel confident about your doctor, then you're going to, you're going to feel better.

Yeah. That's funny. Cause I don't. You don't? No. You got to find another doctor then. Give me all your doctors. I got them.

I share them. Cause it took me a while to find them. You can share doctors. You can't share therapists. Do you feel that way? Do you have a therapist? Yeah. And I got them from a share.

See, I don't, I'm afraid of a share. Yeah, me too. Because I know one night at a dinner party, they're like, you know what pemberton sent to me today i don't believe that they don't tell anybody i've always said oh they absolutely talk about it drives me nuts i mean like on the sopranos right like they're talking about it they're leaking it for sure they're leaking it to somebody definitely especially if you're someone that they know and they'd like they like your work or they know who you are dude they're talking to somebody about it i found out about five sessions in with my therapist he was like okay i have to tell you i um i've seen i know your work oh great i'm like oh i'm leaving immediately i thought the opposite so it's

kind of like oh really no you're sometimes there's the ego taken over totally but also it's the kind of thing where in a way i, I feel like that is good therapy, is when you tell someone your problems and they sort of laugh at how you said it. It's like, well, I guess it's not so bad, is it? Sure. I guess that does temper it down. I just want someone who's anti-comedy, who they're not interested in this world even a little bit. So they're like, you do podcasting and stand-up stuff? What's it called?

A pop cap? Pop cap? Is it pop cap? A pop cap? My daughter listens to pop caps. So you're doing these pop caps. Is this a, what is this? Is this an audio thing? I'm listening to a hub cap right now. It's actually quite good. So Andrew, last time we talked about you were stressed about your hub caps. Now, have you always had a problem with your cars? Yeah, well, they all fall off. That's the problem. Now, your dad was a car guy. Is this having to do with the hubcap? Yeah, maybe this all goes back to the...

The pubcap? The pubcup cap? Does your therapist stutter? Andrew, tell me how you feel. I want to ask you, has your mom... This daughter of a therapist is so good.

Oh, my God. Does it hurt your feelings? Okay, I'm better. I'm good. I'm actually great. That'd be like the thing I used to tickle kids in the ER to see if they're really hurt. Wait, who did this?

That's like an old doctor trick. My dad's a doctor, so it's like, I know. Is he a pediatrician? No, he's a surgeon, actually. People just tickle kids? Yeah, they do. They all do it. They go in for surgery.

They try to, like, if a kid comes into the ER, they're like, oh, you try to tickle them because you see if how much they're, how they're actually really. Ah, their scale of their pain. Yeah, that's smart. It's not just like they're acting like, oh, good, who knew? That's really... That's actually very smart. Yeah.

What do they say? Like yelling louder than a kid is crying sometimes. Have you ever seen those videos on the internet? A kid will be crying, and the dad will just be going, and the kid will just immediately be shocked at the father's yelling, and then they'll stop,

and they'll find out if the crying is actually from pain induced or they're just trying to get your attention. You ever do that? I yell at everybody in here all the time but I don't think

that has anything to do with anything. I just like to yell as loud as I can. Okay. Yeah. That's just my way of communicating I love you.

Do you do like a low yell or a high yell? That's sort of a wave. That's sort of a middle. It's wailing. Well, that's as high as you can go. Well, I can do

a bank breaker. Let's hear it. you want to hear it for real here we go this is kind of signature yeah oh my god that's insane oh my god it's very loud isn't it that is your that was that's about seven though i can do a 10 but let's not do it that's not you gotta pay me for a 10 i'll take seven in here we pour whiskey this episode whiskey ginger is brought to you by squarespace hey when i first started making websites for my comedy touring uh i use these wonky whack out of date, thanks to technology, we have something like Squarespace that can make beautiful, seamless, gorgeous, engaging websites no matter what you're putting out to the world.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Ginger. I like gingers. Did you go watch the sun? Did you go look at the eclipse today? No, because we don't get to see it here. Yeah, no.

It's happening. Yeah, but it wasn't happening. It's not totality. If it's not totality... I went and looked at it. It was kind of neat. Really? Yeah, one of the girls gave me glasses by the coffee shop, and she was like, you want to look?

And I looked up, and it was neat. I don't know. I want that totality. I am legitimately pissed that I... I was going to go. I was going to fly to Texas. To where? Texas, yeah.

But I have something to do tomorrow that I can't miss. So I was like, am I going to fly back the day of the eclipse? But you know what? It's just going to be absolute mayhem. I'm not going to make it back in time. I was in Niagara Falls yesterday, where it literally passes through. And we didn't stay. Why didn't you stay?

Because I needed to get back and see you. Yeah, that's true. I'm here with you. You could have rescheduled. You've been like, Johnny, the eclipse. But also, I wanted to get home. And I'm moving. So it's true i'm here with you you could have rescheduled you've been like johnny no the eclipse but also i wanted to get home and i'm moving so it's like yeah like yeah and also another day to kill just to see that to be like all right now i gotta go home but i hear it's life-changing i don't think so you don't think so in what way it's happening right now nothing's

happening well i'm talking like the total now i'm fucking stuttering the totality when you're the path of the totality it becomes completely and totally dark in the middle of the day for two or three minutes and you're around all these people and all the animals and all the plants it's a thing that is significant that you can't just like laugh off

yeah no I saw I watched this video this morning in bed of this native gentleman talking about it represents the total death and the rebirth of the sun. So those that are present for it get to die and be reborn in that moment. I need to do that. I need to die and be reborn. Well, you could also just do ayahuasca and that'll be kind of your eclipse.

I've done ketamine. You've done ketamine therapy ever? Ketamine is kind of like a lunar eclipse, not a solar eclipse. I've done ketamine. You done ketamine therapy ever? Ketamine is kind of like a lunar eclipse, not a solar eclipse. I mean, I died. I died a couple times. You did? Oh, I was like, oh, I'm dying now.

I felt it for real. It was like... It was the most intense experience I've ever had in my entire life. Now, have you done ayahuasca? No. That's the one they say will push you right over the edge and bring you right back.

Really? Yeah, it's almost like you're hanging on and it shows you everything and then you come right back. I'm scared for the diarrhea aspect of it. For you, yeah, that'd be bad. Yeah, because I have friends who have decent bowels. Right. And they're like, oh, I've got a couple, you know, got the ayahuasca shits for a couple days. Yeah, but that's okay.

Who cares? Yeah, but me having the ayahuasca shits, it might be like, oh, I've got to take tons of Imodium and like, I don't know. It might be really bad. Did you ever throw up

when you did mushrooms? You know those guys that throw up every time they do mushrooms? I know people that throw up every time. I have a weird thing where,

because my digestive tract is so short, that I will, if I can make it through a queasy, about 50 minutes of queasy, I just have diarrhea like two hours later. Really?

For real, yeah. So you're ripped on mushrooms and you shit? I'll shit, yeah. In the mid-trip. Mid-trip shit. Yeah, but I know a lot of people who do have the thing where they have to throw up on mushrooms. Yeah, a lot of people I know do that for some reason. Have you done it? A mid-trip shit.

I never threw up on mushrooms ever. But you've done psychedelics. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, I love them very much. Yeah. You should try ketamine therapy then. I don't think so.

I don't think so. Why? I don't know why, but ketamine to me, maybe because of high school. Oh, really? You had it back then? Yeah. Oh, we didn't have that shit, no. I didn't even know about it until a couple years ago, really.

K-Holan? Yeah, I mean, I heard about it, but I did a whole lot. And everybody I knew that did it, it was like so intense. Yeah. And I knew a couple of people from back then that did acid, that I would do acid with a couple of guys. So you've done acid? Yeah, I don't enjoy it, though. Really?

I think I did it maybe three times, two or three times, and I got to tell you, not for me. Time to do it again at the Ren Faire. No, see, mushrooms at the Ren Faire, for sure. Yeah. Were you just stoned or were you on something? Just high on edibles and having a few beers. See, Eddie's for me is, nah, I want to smoke a joint, have a couple drinks, and then I feel perfect.

After a joint and a couple of drinks, for some reason, is like the perfect marriage to me of chemicals. Totally. It's really good. But edibles are so like, here I go. I know. I couldn't sleep that night. Yes, yes.

Because I don't like that. I was so, I woke up because the booze were off and then I'm like in bed just, hey, what do I want to do?

What do I want to do? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm just so high and it's so dark. Can you take heavy milligrams? Are you one of these guys that can do like a-

No, no, no. I never do. I'm like the guy who like, no. You take a little baby dose and you're fine. A little bit. I'm like,

ugh. Like I've hung out with these guys that take like 500 milligrams. It's because they have tolerances through the roof. That's what it is. That's crazy. Yeah, I think it's the same as- That's like 10 joints. It is, but their tolerance is so high.

Yeah, so what does that do to your body? I wonder. At some point, you are kind of like, what does it- I would love to know the science behind when it slows down. I don't know. Like when your body sees the tetrahydrocannabinol and it goes, we're going to bank this. It doesn't do anything. We're going to bank this Delta 9.

Yeah, we're going to put the fat in your brain. It's weird to think like it can literally go, we'll bank this. We won't utilize this. Well, it must process it and push it away. What else could it do with it? Because the tolerance just means like it's not's not it's not like because if you flood yourself with more milligrams it's not like uh it's just like used to this it's obviously doing something with it yeah because it knows it so it puts it somewhere right maybe you just can't it can't convert it it's run out of

chemicals to convert or convert so fast it doesn't even affect you this is like two guys who just don't know no idea making something we know a little bit about into negative knowledge. I'm pretty sure like the chemicals that- It's basically like every podcast ever. Yeah, every podcast. It started with this much knowledge and then we just went, whoa, because we're like, oh, yeah. Actually, yeah, I heard that if you do the chemical, it's a triboxylene. Oh, triboxylene.

Yeah, triboxylene. Which is very good pasta as well. Which is really good for your feet oftentimes because- Just your arch. Right, because back when the Romans were running against the Greeks, that's why they called them Greeks because it's the- Well, it actually turned into an epithet. Yeah.

Fucking baccalinis. That's why you can't say that in a bar now. You're not supposed to. You're not. Well, I found out the hard way. Oh, you did? You called someone a Bacallini? I called him Bacallini.

Downtown. Downtown? That was downtown. It's always downtown. We were downtown. I called a guy Bacallini and started a fight. It was terrible. Hey, Bacallini.

Look at this fucking Bacallini over there. Hey, look at this. Learn how to tie your shoes, Bacallini. Hey, chooch. Is that a chooch? You're a chooch? You fucking chooch. There was this Italian guitar teacher

I used to know who called people chooch. Like, hey, chooch. Hey, look at this chooch over here. It's not even offensive, but it is. It's like a... Sounds bad, chooch.

It sounds bad. Hey, freaking chooch over here. Oh, there's fucking... Let's get another fake insult. What's another fake insult? But that one's real, isn't it? A chooch? What is a chooch? I have no idea. A chooch? I. Oh, there's fucking, let's get another fake insult. What's another fake insult? But that one's real, isn't it? A chooch? What is a chooch?

I have no idea. A chooch? I gotta tell you. This was a guy named, like, long, curly hair. You know, big old, like a guy from the 80s. Like Anthony.

His name was John. Johnny. I'm not gonna say his last name, but it started with an I. Ended with an I. But he would call people chooch as an insult? Hey, chooch.

Oh, donkey. So ass. I'm just waiting for everything to come back around and be like, oh, shouldn't say that. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's so funny that everything goes back to donkey. That would be very funny. Donkey. Everything goes right back to donkey.

Yeah. The donkey is the original butt of the joke. The ass. The ass of the joke butt of the joke. The ass. The ass of the joke. Fucking chooch. Chooch. Chooch sounds. What's another word?

Ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. Dope. I like dope. Dope. Dope's good. You fucking dope.

Hey, you maroon. Maroon. That's what Bugs Bunny used to say, right? He's calling people colors. What a maroon. Look at this fucking teal over here. Teal. There's someone I used to think was bad.

I can't think what it is. Oh, what? I say a bad one? Yeah, maroon is bad. There you go. What does maroon mean? Let's just not, let's not know.

No, we're going to find out. If we know. If we know it's bad. If I know, then. Yeah, maroon. Who's it again? Well, let me, I would say people of color.

Yeah, probably. Probably is. Okay. Bugs Bunny, for Christ's sake. Jesus. What a maroon. It's crazy that Bugs Bunny would call people that.

Bugs Bunny. Yeah. But maybe it meant something different back then? You doubt it. I thought it meant that back then. Yeah, no. Back then it meant that.

Now we can say it. It means something else. I got marooned on an island. Right. So is that related at all, you suppose? I hope not. How about marooned? Find that out.

That's got to be different. God, I hope that really is. There's someone I was wondering about. Can you say dink? You can say... I think dink is in reference to a... Like a dumb person? Yeah, because I think it's...

I think it's derived from what? Maroon is derived from the term maroon, a word for a fugitive slave. Jesus Christ! We can't say that either. Everything is just... Marooned is offensive? Because we say that all the time. I mean, not all the time, but people would say they were marooned on an island.

That was the original name of that movie with Tom Hanks. Marooned. It's called Marooned. That's right. Yeah. It's a corruption of the Spanish Cimarron. Cimarron. It's a household animal or slave.

But Cimarron, it's a Cimarron. That's you. Yeah. You're like the boxer, the Mexican boxer. Canelo. Cimarron. Cimarron. Cimarron means like, does that mean cinnamon?

Yeah, cinnamon. Yeah. Cimarron. Cimarron. So it's a bad, does that mean cinnamon? Yeah, cinnamon. Yeah. Cimarron. Cimarron. So it's a bad, you know about, you know about buckaroo? Tell me this one's bad too.

No, it's not bad. Buckaroo comes from the Spanish word vaquero. Vaquero. And you say vaquero so fast, it sounds like buckaroo. Vaquero. Vaquero. Vaquero.

Vaquero. Vaquero. But it's vaquero with a V. Vaquero, right? Vaquero. But V and B in Spanish are often pronounced. I know, they're one and the same. Yeah.

Vaquero. Vaquero. Hey, what's up, vaquero with a V. Vaquero, right? Vaquero. But V and B in Spanish are often pronounced. I know. They're one of those things. Yeah. Vaquero. Vaquero. Hey, what's up, Vaquero? We got a Vaquero over here. Well, wouldn't you know, I'm just a good old Vaquero. Vaquero. Vaquero. Hey, you hear him calling me Vaquero?

Hey, you call me a Vaquero, baby. I love the Southern accent. Oh, my God. When you do the Southern accent on your IG, by the way, when you see... Oh, oh right that's a different one that's like sort of a different there's like the there's the george that's the george w bush right one like the one that's like hi babe hi babe hey you like wings yeah you like wings hey baby oh man you like wings yeah i'll tell you we're going to titty bar you want to go to titty bar titty bar what don't don't they stop don't ask us don't they stop last chicas titates now what's your other deep south

what's the deep south deep south is like gotta be more like um well we went looking for them we drove all over there all over

we drove all over there and there's just bunch of old oil rigs around there and I saw a guy I saw him but then we came back and ran and

he's dead but we didn't kill him or nothing we never do that's that one my dad's my i imitate my dad's friend from north carolina they have all the north carolina well he's got a real deep voice and he says andrew andrew andrew i'll give you 20 you can do 20 push-ups boy that's what he would say dollars dollars i'll give you $20. You can do 20 push-ups, boy. That's what he would say. Dollars. Dollars. I'll give you $20, boy. Get your ass out on the pool. Go ahead, run down there and back. If you can do it in 10 minutes, I'll give you a $20 bill. That's a good sound check.

My dad's buddy used to bet me I could. You hit three shots from over there, boy. I'll give you a $10 bill right now. And I'd be like, really? Go in and get it. Go show it to me. Isn't that like a thick kid Chicago accent? Yeah, go inside and get it. I'll bet your dollars when you come back. I'll bet your dollar you can't do it. Go show it to me. Is that like a thick kid Chicago accent? Yeah, go inside and get it. I'll bet your dollars when you come back.

I'll bet your dollar you can't do it. I'll see you on Diversion Whacker if you get it. Yeah. What are you doing putting mustard on that dog? No, ketchup on that dog. You put ketchup on that dog? Get it out of here.

I'll put ketchup on it. I can't do of here. I'll put ketchup on my own head. I can't do it. But the deep, but the deep, the deep one's different. Well, it's funny, the deep south, it ends in North Florida,

then it just transitions somewhere around, somewhere around like, Orlando? No, no, Orlando's way far south. The accent kind of dies around like the

Clearwater, Tampa level of Florida. I mean, it kind of does. Clearwater, that's Redneck country. I know, but right, that's what I'm saying Florida. I mean, it kind of does. And Clearwater, that's redneck country. I know, but that's what I'm saying. Right below that, it kind of shifts into weird, vague, middle Florida whites.

Yeah. But there's still country bumpkin down there. I was down there for a while in September, and I feel like I didn't hear any. Country? Yeah. I was in Tampa, in St. Pete. That's I didn't hear any. Country? Yeah. I was in Tampa and St. Pete. It was probably like all,

that's all like white retirees too. So it's just like, it's probably like, oh, how you doing, sweetheart? Yeah, sweetheart. Well, it's mostly probably from the East Coast. Yeah.

People from Jersey. The Jersey accent's taken over Tampa. Jersey, well, Tampa and Jersey, similar. Really? Yeah, similar. There's a pipeline

from Jersey to Tampa. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's underground. Oh, underground pipeline. That's what that big old steakhouse I didn't know that yeah it's just it's underground oh underground pipeline that's what I have that big old steakhouse that's what that steakhouse is for

it's to cover the portal correct have you been to that steakhouse Burns Burns Steakhouse have you been there yeah I've never been there

why not because I just didn't have a chance to I guess because you should have gone I know we were busy when you go

when you go on tour right do you make sure that you explore the city or you don't give a shit I try to do as much as I can explore the city or you don't give a shit? I try to do as much as I can, but I do less now because it's like, I feel like I have only so much energy. Yeah, I understand. And sometimes, like, ooh, do I want to do that?

Like, do I want to have to get up? Because a lot of times if I'm touring at all or if I'm working in the city, like a movie or something like that, it's like my job, I feel like, is to sleep. Is to get rested. Yeah, I have to force myself to sleep even though I really want to go. I want to go to a bunch of record stores and stuff. I used to all the time. I would go to every record store in a city.

I would go there for hours and stuff. I would get drunk there. I love those days. Oof, I just can't. The hangover thing for me now is- Different. Yeah. I think it's a non-starter almost.

I know. But those days I do remember in my mind. One of my favorite days on earth was I walked around Queen Anne, the neighborhood in Seattle, and I met up with my buddy Brandon. Dude. One of my best days in Seattle too. Seattle. I had a crab cake.

It was the best crab cake I've ever had in my entire life with... What's that really cold vegetable? What the fuck is it called it grows like in the winter watercress oh watercress on a crab cake get real you went i went to a brewery in seattle sat at a table by myself ingratiated myself to a table of four people i said uh hey can i can i join your table and they were like yeah sure and then i said can i buy you a round of drinks and then you know they were like oh yeah, sure. And then I said, can I buy you a round of drinks? And then, you know, they were like, oh, you don't have to do that.

You can sit and hang with us. And I bought a couple rounds and having a good time. I went out back, smoked a joint with this guy. Damn. Then I just walked down the water, met up with my buddy Brandon,

had phenomenal seafood. Yeah. And then we went paddle boarding out at Alki Beach. And I said, as I sat on the paddleboard, I said, this is one of the greatest days

of my fucking life. This is pre-pandemic. This is years ago. This has got to be seven or eight years ago now. But I was like, this is one of the greatest days of my fucking life.

Like it felt like, you know on a day you're like, is everything perfect? Like everything kind of lined up time-wise. Like you did so much stuff. How did I do all this stuff? But it didn't like kill me.

It weren't like, we weren't racing to get anywhere. It was kind of fluid and easy and everything felt like it kind of was like... Natural. Yeah, we're like, hey, at 3.30, I think we're going to meet there. I'm like, it's in an hour. That's great. I had an hour to get there.

It's only 10 minutes away. It was kind of like the timing of it. And then they were like, oh, and then this guy's going to pick us up. He's going to take us back to their house. It's right next to your hotel. I'm like, Jesus Christ. It's almost like some days the universe is like, I'm going to give you something to remember. I had a very similar thing in Seattle where it was like just things kept, I saw some friend

of mine from Minnesota walking on the street because they stopped because they had a huge layover. So they just went down to the, what's it called, the fish market area there for a couple hours. I kind of think of the name of that fucking market. Yeah. Some lady who was staying at the same hotel as Duncan and I. She gave me a ride down there. Awesome.

And I walked back up. Just like all these weird little coincidences and stuff. I like that stuff falls like that. With Duncan Trussell? Yeah. Love the dunk. We were there for a comedy. Missed that guy, huh?

He's an Austin man now. I know. All people... Would you ever move down there? I thought about it, but you know, I don't know. I mean, it's... How about you? What do you think about it?

No. No, no, no. I mean, I... No. about you? What do you think about it? No, no, no, no. I mean, I. Never? No, no. But why? Um, why is it? Why is it?

You know me. I mean, you're set up here. Everything's good. No, I like life here. I don't. Right. I'm not going to stay in LA forever. No chance.

I mean, that's just because. Well, there's a lot of, I mean, there's a ton. Ton of spots. Back to Chicago? Maybe, but Colorado's big on the meter. We love Colorado. Colorado's pretty nice. I fucking love it.

Yeah, or not proper, but outside, yeah. Somewhere outside. Utah, I actually fucking love Utah. Me too. I mean, Boise is, honestly, I'm not moving there, but it's one of the most underrated cities. You gotta wait a little bit, though. Huh?

You gotta wait a little bit. What is why? What's going on up there? There was like a huge influx of people who moved there. Yeah, and they're kind of like, get the fuck out of here, you know? But it is one of the most underrated cities I've been to in a long time. Never been there. Oh, Boise's great.

They have wolverines there. Yeah, that's why I want to go. And grizzlies. Yeah, have you eaten them? They're delicious. Grizzlies? No, wolverine. I haven't, no.

I haven't had a chance. Ooh, a little wolverine, a little cracked black pepper, a little fucking extra virgin olive oil surrounded on some truffle black mashed potatoes. I can't imagine. That's probably the least edible animal that has ever existed. It's got to be. It's got to be. It's got to be so tough.

The hardest to find. Yeah. There's people who study wolverines for decades. They see one in their whole life. Yeah, I saw one once. Yeah. You were in that documentary, Chasing the Phantom. No.

It's the greatest documentary ever. This is about wolverine hunting? Yes. It is so fucking cool. You get high, watch this. Write that down, Chasing the Phantom? No. It's the greatest documentary ever. This is about Wolverine hunting? Yes. It is so fucking cool. You get high, watch this. Write that down, Chasing the Phantom. For years, my answer machine message was a clip from that where it's some guy from Michigan being like, Wolverine's going to climb what he wanted to climb, bite who he's going to

bite, do what he wants to do, and go where he wants to go. These guys are obsessed with them. Well, because they're tiny, right, too? They're going to bite, do what he wants to do, and go where he wants to go. These guys are obsessed with them. Well, because they're tiny, right, too? They're little tiny things, and they're evasive. And they have trackers on them. Like, oh, it just went over a 12,000-foot mountain. What? Just to eat a bone.

And then come back. Like, they're fucking psychos. They eat bones. That's how they set traps for them. They put up a bone, something that nothing else wants to eat, and this thing's going to climb up and eat the goddamn bone. Well, because they're really, and they're also, are they close to going extinct? They were going to die out at one point.

They were trying to make it so they weren't going to die out because they weren't plentiful or breeding. They're good? They're least concerned. Good. Thank God. Least concerned. I don't have a t- concerned. Good. Thank God. Least concerned. I don't have a t-shirt that says that about me.

Least concerned. Johnny Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton. I like to stay in the realm of least concerned. We all should have a spread like that. Instead of the endangered thing, it's like, where do you fall in terms of society's feelings about you? Probably way down here. Least concerned.

Yeah. I want to stay in least concerned. They were recently protected. I told you that. Probably way down here. Least concern. Yeah. I want to stay in least concern. They were recently protected. I told you that. That's some... Okay. I feel like I read something that said...

Habitat loss? Well, they were... A lot of genetic diversity. Yeah, something about they were... That's probably because of habitat loss. Yeah.

Everything's habitat loss. Yeah, we're fucking all their shit up. I had a guy... By the way, climate change too. They said, yeah, they keep moving around.

They keep finding new places to live and they're not suitable for them so they die why do I know this about wolverines this is another thing I just learned the other day that I from a podcast called

I don't know that'd be a cool name for a podcast yeah I don't know I don't know I'm changing my name to mind that honestly I don't know

yeah well like it's the kind of thing we gotta you want me to say it yeah it's called I don't know. It's the kind of thing where you gotta... You want me to say it? Yeah. It's called...

I don't know. Everyone's like, is your buddy okay? How do you spell that? I'm gonna cut you off, sir. That's it, yeah. That's why I got cut off? Yeah.

I was trying to whistle my name. I don't know. Thank you. What are those? What were you saying, though, about the wolf? Oh, this is wild. I learned that

if the sun were relatable in time to human years, like if it was a human, it would be middle-aged. It's almost halfway through its life. Look up how old the sun is.

This is wild and it did a whole thing about if it was basically going through life, it'd be middle-aged. And of course, so much of corny middle-aged jokes

came to my mind about the son. Like a bunch of like reading cards. Well, the son just bought a Corvette. You know that? Yeah. Son just bought a Corvette. Yeah, he got a divorce again. Son's late for his life.

He's now living in a studio apartment in Van Nuys. It's $4.6 billion. Billion, yeah. $4.6 billion. So they said it has another 5 billion years left before she go bye-bye. So we got some time. But it's halfway through its life. Isn't that crazy to think we we're experiencing it's half life

yeah but some say this is the best years I would argue he's probably more settled in his you know spirituality

I bet you the son has a good grip on who he likes who he doesn't want to hang out with anymore has some savings a couple of bucks he's got a 401k

he's probably not going out as much as he used to not going out as much you know knows who he is there was a great comic who had and I don't remember who it was.

Maybe this will ring a bell to you. He had a great joke about how the sun is the worst, the worst, the worst thing on earth because it's like evil and trying to hurt you and it's not fun to be around. Right. But he said that like the moon is like this sensual brilliant calling genius who's like come get fucked up with me I'll let you be out

like a long time I won't like threaten you I won't shine a light on anything that you're doing do you know who this is? God it was a long good bit too I'm the worst though I remember the joke

but never who says it so I'm always like I always get in trouble where I will repeat a joke and I just have no idea who to credit it to and someone's like who is he? Like, I forget.

But he did this whole dance about how the moon is this beautiful best friend that always wants to go like, you know, hey, let's go. He's like, I can't. Isn't it late? It's like, no, no, no. That makes sense. Because I always feel like that. You know, when you're in college, like partying a ton, I felt like I had like two, there's

two people. There's the part, it's not at night. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Yeah. Where they never meet, but they're always fucking each other up. Yeah. there's two people there's the part inside at night and there's it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde yeah where they they never meet but they're always fucking each other up

yeah and I hated I was always a night guy I don't like day drinking I'm not a big day drinker it's hard for me yeah I'm ready to nap

I like it now see I'm a big night I can cruise to the night I can I would rather sit on my patio with a couple of friends drink and smoke a joint, and drink

and talk until way early in the morning. Yeah. There's something about it that's sexy that it's like- I like that too, I guess. Because day drinking, I get drunk in the sun. Okay. See, I don't like day drinking in the beach. I'm not a beach.

I don't drink at the beach. No. The beach, I'm like, I'm so dehydrated already. I don't even go into the beach. Look at this. I'm not going to the beach. No, I don't do the beach. No. The beach, I'm like, I'm so dehydrated already. I don't even go into the beach. Look at this. I'm not going to the beach. No, I don't do the beach. No.

It's two suns. So instead of, you have the one sun, you have the other sun that's reflecting off the water. Yeah, it hurts. You're in a place with zero shade. Yeah, I don't like it. I need shade. If they had big, like giant boulders on a beach that had a lot of shade, I would be interested in that.

Rocky Beach, yeah. Rocky Beach is nice. Like a massive boulder the size of a small apartment. You could like hide in for a couple hours. Yeah. Then I would be okay with that. Rocky Beach, yeah. Rocky Beach is nice. Like a massive boulder the size of a small apartment. You can hide in for a couple hours. Yeah. Then I would be okay with beach. That's fine. Outside of that,

you're not going to the fucking beach. No, I'll do it once. I'll do it a couple times a year. Someone said that the other day. They were like, California's great. You guys have the ocean. You have the mountains.

I said, I haven't been to the beach in... No. I honestly don't remember. And the beach traffic is... Forget about it. At one time, I was so pissed that I literally ripped off a button-up shirt. I was so pissed that I literally ripped off a button up shirt

that I had on I was so hot I was like fuck and I just ripped it off in the car I'm like we've been in the car

for a fucking hour at this point I just ripped it off like Bruce Banner or some shit I just can't stand that shit what now at your

for people I actually didn't even give any contact Johnny and I have known each other probably almost 20 years yeah maybe something like that 17 or 18 years something like that yeah Now at your, for people, I actually didn't even give any contact. Johnny and I have known each other probably. Almost 20 years. Yeah, maybe something like that.

17 or 18 years, something like that. Yeah. And it's so funny how much the scene has changed in stand up. It has changed so significantly. Yeah, it's all different now. That I feel like it's gone through like different, every two, someone told me years ago that it changes, everything changes in Hollywood every two years. Yeah.

Which is kind of true. So if you can wait out a wave, something will something will be different try to catch one of those waves that applies to you right totally but i feel like now we've had like a cycle of you know it's like a like a double turnover not even just it's changed so significantly but you know it's it's just it's well it's cool to watch everyone's career that like we started with people that have taken different shape and like you know where people have gone it's kind of interesting to like see yeah how people go because when you're young i think we all have this idea of where we're going to end up in this game you want to do everything yeah and then you realize that uh

you'll probably do almost nothing you'll do something very specific to you and then that's it because that's all you can really do you know like i didn't think i would get into acting like this at all i I really didn't. Yeah, you act so much more than I ever. When we were young, you were always so, I mean, have always been so like creative and funny. And when you started getting into acting, I was like, oh, that's kind of a, it's almost like a perfect marriage of your comedy and your ability. But I didn't know you were going to be an actor. I didn't think you wanted to be an actor.

I didn't know either. Yeah, you just did it. Yeah. I remember years ago when I first started comedy, there was someone I was in a sketch group with and he was a really attractive guy and he got like, you know, some casting director saw him at a, at a coffee shop and she asked me, are you an actor? And he says, no, I'm a comedian. Like, no, no, no, I'm not an actor like no denied it like it was

gross yeah like how could you even think that it's like she said you are you a wart yeah are you a wart it's like no i'm a i'm a i'm a growth i'm a boil i'm not a wart i'm a i'm a mole it is like that there's a part of me that still feels there feels something about that that's kind of like... It's dirty. It's dirty. It just doesn't have the same level of nuance or... I don't know. It's a different world. I understand this.

Well, because we're in LA, too. All the New York guys are like, was that a sneeze? That was. Jesus Christ. Hold it in, dude. Let it go. Don't hold it in. You're going to end up with a no colon.

Yeah, that's how I got it. He held in a sneeze too long. That's after the surgery. They just make you sneeze and it goes, shoots out. The rest of the four hours of them just partying.

They're like, wow, did you see that? Pretty sick, dude. But you're under, you have no idea. They just throw a rager. They just put some weird powder in my nose.

I'm under anesthesia. Oh, wow. Just shot right out. No. No, I just think it's this thing where like new york comics all you know for years it was like well you're an actor you're not a stand-up dude i started as stand-up that's why we started i started as a stand-up yeah we got into the other but there's so many people who were like you know that's how they see me and they're kind of in the way they're right because i definitely don't do as much stand-up as people who are, like, hardcore stand-ups. Who cares, though?

Yeah, I mean, I care sometimes, because it's, you know, time spent is time spent. I know, but that's all a pride thing when they say something that you know the truth about. Right. It doesn't really matter. At some point, we're getting older, where you're like, okay, whatever you say,

I don't give a shit. It's not going to affect me. I'm going to keep doing it the way I want to do it and the time balance of it again we said this before we started the show it's like as you get a little bit older in this business you start to learn what you actually don't give a fuck about you just don't have time you're like i'm not doing that shit anymore there's just no time yeah that's the thing i realized more is i just don't like sometimes like i'm going to do some pilot here next week. I have to cancel a bunch of stuff.

You shouldn't have, a network TV pilot or a cable pilot? A cable pilot. Nice, dude. Yeah. I mean, what is network now? There's like three channels. Technically, but- We're going back to the days when there was just three channels and there was two shows on those three channels.

But some of these premium streamers, it's like they have a bigger footprint than networks do now. It's weird. But are they paying you any money now? Because last time I did a thing for Netflix, I think they gave me

lunch and a hug. I think I got lunch and a hug on the way out. It all depends because now if you do have a show on network, you're not getting any residuals.

It's not like it used to be. No. Not like those old guys that were getting... I read an article today that said, is Terrence Howardard suing he's suing someone because when he was on empire right uh it was competing numbers with big bang theory and they were getting like five times what he made and he's like suing saying that this is who is he suing i bet

oh he's suing his agency yeah terrence howard is a he's suing his agency. Oh, but Terrence Howard is a strange one. Is he? Yeah, I know nothing about the guy. Oh, he has his own kind of math. What? Yeah. I love the guy. He is a brilliant actor, but he is a... Do I not know any of this shit? What do you mean? He has his own number system? It's one of those things where oh, you're an actor.

You know what I mean? This is not a comedian. This is an actor. Oh, you're an actor. Oh, you're an actor. Okay. Oh, you're an actor. So you've come up with this idea that the number system we're currently using, it's not quite for you, is it? So what is it, like two plus six?

One times one equals two. He posted like five pages on Twitter. Yeah. One times one is two. One times one is two. Okay. Well, because one times one, there's two of us. Good job, Terrence Howard.

I mean, it's- I agree with the guy. I love it. You know what? I'm adopting his number system. Fuck all this traditional bullshit. I don't- Maybe it helps.

Maybe I should do it too. Maybe it's what I need. It's a little bit of gas. Are you a T. Howard guy now? Are we in? I've always liked the guy. Yeah. He's got a great presence.

But I like a guy who sues an agency. That's fucking rad. That is the most bossy thing you can possibly do. Fuck yeah, dude most fuck yeah dude sue a whole sue an entire company sue one of the big ones sue one of the big big old ones go ahead go ahead t how just sue one of the big old boys the idea of suing such a massive controlling company in our business is fucking rad it's like andrew santino sues mgm i mean that would be like you know what i mean like i do like it though if you be like, you know what I mean? Like, I do like it though. If you're going to go after somebody, what is it? Why did it say again? Did it say because of the payment?

Yeah, it was because of the payment. Saying that he wasn't making as much as other competing shows were making at the time? It was. Oh, right, right. Because they rep the same people. That's what it was. Who knows? It's all so, so slimy. They can't just leave him out there like that, man. You can't just maroon him.

All right. And you know what? It was right there. And I had to. You got it. Fucking so dumb. You're chooch over here. Hey, come on. Look at me.

Who am I? I'm Mr. Chooch. Look at me. I'm Mr. Chooch. I'm just jazzing you. All right. I'm just jazzing you. I'm just.

I'm just jazzing all over you. I'm just jazzing you off. What about where does joshing you come from? Is joshing you? Where do you think that when someone goes, I'm just joshing. I don't like joshing. I don't like it. I What do you think when someone goes, I'm just Joshin. I don't like Joshin. I don't like the name.

No, that makes me feel like, that's when people say like amazeballs or when someone says- Oh, that's so funny. You know what the worst is? Is shits and giggles. Just for shits and giggles? I can't handle that. Well, that's because of the-

That's probably because of that. That's probably because anything related to shits. Anything shits, you're like, all right, that's enough. I shit enough. I shit enough for- I did the math the other day, actually, related to shits anything shits you're like alright that's enough I shit enough I shit enough for I did the math the other day actually how many shits

I've taken in my life I think I've taken enough shits to be like 500 years old whoa because you're supposed to take how many shits a day three

I think maybe two two's about average one to two is my number depends on the day yeah let's say 1.5 yeah one and a half yeah so I've definitely lived like many many lifetimes in the bathroom, which is interesting to think about.

I have to do the math because this is blowing my mind right now. 365 days of the year. I'm 40 years old. Right. So I've lived for 14,000 days. Okay. So 14,600 days times 1.5 shits. I should have shat 21,000 times.

But also you got to think about baby years when you probably shat a lot more. No, my mother told me I only shat once a day when I was a baby. Yeah.5 shits. I should have shat 21,000 times. But also, you got to think about baby years when you probably shat a lot more. No, my mother told me I only shat once a day when I was a baby. Oh, really? That's good discipline.

We recorded it. Damn. On my bedroom wall, I have notches on the wall, you know, every time I shit. Oh my God. You have to do that

if you haven't had a kid. Just shit, just do notches on every time you... What a gift that would be to your kid. Like this piece of oak that's got like

son this is every taking a shit and you're like oh someone will think it's a Banksy they're like

that's a Banksy do you know that that poop table that's a Banksy poop table and the therapist is like this is a this is a this is a

this is a I don't I don't did you did you did you did you did you

did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you

did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you did you I don't... Did you... Shits? The stuttering therapist is such a great character. It's like an SNL character. Stuttering therapist. Your brother killed himself. Yes, yes, yes. You're so terrible.

What does joshing mean? Did you figure it out? What is it? Joshin? 1800s. I'm going to go from... Is that right? Damn. I'm going to go from... Is that right? Damn.

I was going to say way after that. I do like an 1800s one. When a young man named Josh Tatum noticed the nickels minted in 1883 were almost the same as the $5 gold pieces in terms of size and design, he and a friend began to electroplate those coins and pass them off as $5 pieces, eventually assuming a small fortune before being conned. My man! So Joshin is actually conning. Not kidding. It's conning.

Wow. Are you joshing me? So now I like the phrase. If it's used correctly, you're conning someone. It's like, oh, he was joshing everybody all over town. He joshed the shit out of the... He took Walmart for $5 million, Josh. Damn.

So he was minting coins because they imitated other worth. That's genius, by the way. Good for million, Josh. Damn. So he was minting coins because they imitated other worth. That's genius, by the way. Good for you, Josh Tatum. Josh Tatum. Josh, where was this? Hold on. Let's guess.

Missouri. What was the year? 18 what? The coins were minted in 1883. Oh, I'm going to say this has got to be in like- East of the Mississippi. Well, of course. But I'm guessing- I'd like to think that this was somewhere in the Virginia

I was going to say that but I'm thinking I was thinking North Carolina maybe like you know what I'm going to say D.C. area okay that's close to me

from Boston to New York fucking Massachusetts I thought Massachusetts I'm closer technically yes technically yeah but Virginia, DC, DC, Virginia I think we're one and the same

DC is Virginia but isn't it closer to up there we're one and the same I have to look on a map because I'm stupid but I'm pretty sure so we tied yeah we tied but you know my instinct was

here let me see map wise Virginia yeah I mean I guess alright I'll give it to you thank you what do i what do i get what does he get give it to him blanton give him a thing blanton's 25 you're aged yeah you can take one of those home if you want i will i guess he was a deaf mute i think the story is fake no we're gonna go with it though i like it are you i'm sorry no wikipedia or like it. Are you on Wikipedia? I'm sorry. Are you on Mayo Clinic? This makes sense, though. Coinweek.com. Oh, Coinweek.

That's a very valid publication. I keep all my back issues. I used to have the magazines, but they stopped making them for some reason. Yeah, I got joshed. Turned out it was Time Magazine with the Coinweek on the cover. I got joshed from them. That makes sense. He's a deaf guy because it's like, you know.

Well, yeah, a deaf mute con artist. Yeah, so like your visual acuity has been, you get little bonus points, right? Because you're not as, you're not hearing, you're not distracted by sounds. You're like, you know, I'll do the voice. Do it. Go ahead.

I can't do it. I can't. Honestly, it's one of the verses I can't do. A deaf voice? Yeah. These coins are worth more than you think. That's Josh in here. These are worth more than you imagine.

I do love me a good deaf voice. And you know what? I'm not making fun of it. I'm not making fun of it. Yeah? I'm just imitating it. I am Hank Azaria. I'm doing a poo.

That's all it is. How is he doing with that? What's his whole deal? I don't remember what it is, but that was such a big fucking to do oh my god what a to do

well here's the deal I understand people being like ah you should have an Indian guy voice an Indian character yeah

sure I get it yeah 30 fucking years ago they were like that's how it started and now it's gone so far that they're like I think is it now still voiced by him

or is it voiced by somebody else? Oh, he's not doing it. I don't know. I think he kept doing it for quite a while after that. I don't. He publicly apologized. He shouldn't have to apologize. I like how Matt Groening didn't have to fucking do it.

He didn't have to. He doesn't care at all. I think he's like insulated from everything, probably. Yeah, he's one of those guys that's so rich and successful, but you never hear anything about him. Yeah, I think he doesn't. He probably just like stays low. He doesn't want to.

If you got to that level in your career, where do you go and what is your life now? I don't know. Cause I like to, I like to be out and about, you know, you want to be in the mix. You don't want to be isolated. Yeah. I mean, I like going to Renfair. Right. But that's even, you know, I don't know.

It's, uh, so you don't have like a dream destination that you would like live out your remaining years. If you retired in 20 years and you're like, I'm done and I did it. Hawaii. That's great. Yeah. Any island in particular? Probably the Big Island. Love the Big Island.

Yeah. You know why? I've never been actually. What? Yeah, I've only been to the other islands. Big Island's my favorite. I know it's going to be my favorite. Because it's the least touristy.

Exactly. There's almost no tourists there. It's the biggest. It exactly there's almost no tourists there it's the biggest it's the biggest that's all that's probably that's trump's reason it's the biggest island the biggest one we like the biggest ones uh it's the least touristy and it's um and it's uh beef the microclimates are crazy oh right yeah so on one side of the island it's like always raining on the other side almost never rains i mean they get some rains but it's just not as it's crazy the island, it's like always raining on the other side. Almost never rains. I mean, they get some rains, but it's just not as it's crazy. They'll be like, oh, it's raining on the other side of the island today, right now. And you look at me like that's what do you mean? Yeah, it doesn't look like it at all. I went there three years in a row for an event for like this event. Comedy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. For a golf charity event.

Nice. And it was great. And then now they've moved it. But we loved going there because it was like, it's not like Honolulu. Yeah, Honolulu. Chaos, chaos, chaos. I mean, it's nice in a sense, but it's not like, it's just so, it's a city. It's cool, but it's just so busy that you're like, is this vacation or am I just near home? It feels like LA adjacent where you you're like so many fucking people.

What do you what did you look up? Oh, I thought you were just looking that up. Well, we've been looking at the Josh and thing. Did you find out that's real? That's what I was. Why would it not be real? I just said on the bottom of that, it's like kind of an urban legend type thing. The first.

Well, we'll take it, though. We'll take it. I don't want I don't want to discredit it. I'd rather just keep it like that. I don't want it to feel, you know. There should be a Twain dictionary, like a Mark Twain dictionary, where everything's kind of like, allegedly. Yeah, so we think.

Well, it's all just, you know. So they say. So they say. So Mark Twain says that. There is something beautiful about, that's what we've all thought for so long. And it's fine. Then it's fine. Because collective thought counts.

Because it works. Because It's not hurting anybody. If that story is not hurting anybody. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I mean, he was a con man. And by the way, wasn't he just tricking the government or tricking? Well, technically, he's tricking whoever he's passing that off as unless he's turned. They don't get hurt by it.

Only the minting the mint does. Right. I don't know. I mean, kind of it's one of those things I haven't done yet. Well, let's do it. I was thinking about it. What establishment would you rob if you could rob one? Oh.

If you were a thief. Like not a bank? Yeah, if it's not a bank. A bank's too easy. Man. What do you rob now? What do you rob now? Who's got the most cash on hand?

That's what's hard. No one has cash anymore. That's why. Dollar General. Dollar General. Yeah, because they're bad. Yeah, I keep hearing this. That's so funny general yeah because they're bad yeah i keep hearing this that's so funny they're like special bad yeah they're like uniquely awful for people yeah well not just that yeah so they're like baby walmarts they're ripping off the people who have the least

money in the world right because they think they're getting a deal but then they go and then they spend more money than they would if they went because they change the prices it's like talk about it's like robbing from children or something like that like what of all the people getting a deal, but then they go in there and they spend more money than they would if they went somewhere. Because they change the prices. It's genius. That's like robbing from children or something like that. Right. Of all the people, you're going to, you know,

what's that scene in, what is it, Christmas Vacation? Remember the cop shows up, he's like, I should beat you with a rubber hose. Yeah.

That's the best line. Mr. Of all the low down dirty. Yeah, that's such a good line if I had a rubber hose I'm in state reinstating the bonuses by the way

such an underrated actor Brian Donovan Brian Donovan oh my god I got to work with him one time really on Children's Hospital

he's the best did you ever do that show no I love Children's Hospital you remember it though right yeah absolutely I did a scene

where I was a I was a figment of their imagination. I was a leprechaun who was dying in bed. A leprechaun, huh? For you? Yeah. It was going to me or Bobby Lee. Right. But I'm dying in bed like Seamus O'Baggy Pants or something.

And Brian Dolmori was in this. And I was very young in the group and i was so fucking nervous man yeah and he walked by and uh he said how you doing kid and i was like oh pretty good i'm from chicago it was like the first like yeah you know what i mean because i was like i wanted some sort of he's like oh man cubs guy i say yeah and he goes wonderful and then he walked away and for me i was like that's good we're best friends that's all i need yeah best friends yeah me and uh bdm we're just homies now yeah he's a he's a great actor he's got like that thing where he just does small things but he does them very well there's some scene i think it's a vacation or one of the vacations where he's playing like a guy who works at some sort of like a rv

park or something he's eating a watermelon oh yeah yeah yeah and I watch that scene over and over again because it's just his physical the way he's physicalizing like yeah putting out the seeds yeah just like what the fuck

even him in Caddyshack people don't even know that that was him that was Lou in the caddy room because he looks so different yeah he's Lou

that's the I haven't watched that movie in a long time oh my god it's so good but it's so funny to think how like that to me

is where I always dreamed one day I could get to where you can pop in and do small cool roles yeah where you get to you know

where you get to do good character stuff I get to I feel pretty lucky with that well you're good at it so it's worth it so you're shooting now no touring

I got some dates in the distance plug them right now yeah I think I'll be in New York doing Minnesota Reggae Colostomy bag I think July

17th at the Soho Playhouse ooh beautiful yeah and then I got some dates in the Midwest in September like Minneapolis

Milwaukee I think in maybe Eau Claire I'm not really sure where those are but those are far away you can all find them

on the website though or on Instagram. Johnny Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton dot dog. Dot D-O-G. Yeah. I really love Minnesota. Shout out to Minnesota.

Last time we were there, we had a great time. And some of the, I thought taping my next special, that might be one of the cities. I put it in my rotation of one of the, what was the theater

we played in Minnesota? Parkway? State Theater. State Theater. Loved it. You know what? I feel the same way about Chicago.

I love Chicago too. It's just such a big fucking market. That, it. You know what? I feel the same way about Chicago. I love Chicago, too. It's just such a big fucking market. That, I don't know. Something about Minnesota feels pretty good. Well, I think it's probably because it's close to what you know, but it's not the same. Correct. That's why I truly love Chicago. I tried to live there after college.

I wanted so badly to move there. Where'd you go to college, by the way? I went to Florida State. You're a Knoll dude. I'm a Knoll. You're a Knolly dude. I wanted so badly to move there. What did you do in college, by the way? I went to Florida State. You're an old dude. I'm an old. You're an only dude. I'm an only. I'm an older. Go Noles, baby. Go Noles. I did not know you were a Florida State guy. You and Bert Kreischer. Yeah.

Well, he's how old? He's older than me. You wouldn't cross over, although he was there for nine years. He was, but I don't think I think we just probably just miss each other. Yeah, 42. I think he's like 53, 54. How old is he now? 51. 51.

He put him in close, though. Yeah, but I think we miss. I don't know. I think you said seven years. I think that's what it said. Yeah. Something like that. It's a long time.

So an old guy, then you try to live in Chicago. I wanted to because I wanted to take classes at Second City. Yeah. That's what I wanted to do. I had a plan for it and everything. I was playing in a band. They all moved to Chicago. So I was really into indie rock back then.

No band life anymore? No. Never again? I would do it. I don't know. What did you play in the band? I played bass. Actually, I played drums in this band.

I played drums in this band, but I played bass. Damn, multi-talented. Johnny Pemberton. I know bass way better than drums. My drumming is competent. I can just do basic rock drums, but I played bass damn multi talented Johnny Pemberton I know bass way better than drums my drumming is like competent like I can just do basic rock drums

but I played bass for a long time like I was like do you still play today for fun at the house no why not cause I just don't

cause it's like playing bass by yourself is not fun who cares no what do you mean of course it is I'm you know what

the garage is getting remodeled do it baby I'm gonna get everything I'm getting blowing all the dust off the records you can do Seinfeld theme all day i could do that yeah or maybe more like um

some like slap bass stuff i guess whenever i heard the seinfeld theme it annoyed me by the way love the show it is terrible hated the thing it's super annoying i was always like shut up it's also a keyboard it's not a real's not a real thing. Yeah, he did it on a keyboard. I remember watching. It's disappointing. PBS, I think, one time did the behind the scenes of it. They did? Yeah, they made it seem like it was so like...

Seinfeld, America's beloved comedy show. Yeah. I love the voice they use for that. It's always like the guy from 60 Minutes talking to someone funny, but it's like, it's been delighting audiences for decades. Now we're going gonna take a peek in

billy crystal's real life this is the car that billy drives the set every day and then it comes to them talking he goes i don't drive this every day but i drive it most of the day they always like contradict what they're talking about in the setup billy they're always so soft on them yeah you see katie couric interview a little way remember that years ago was such a big deal so she's just like dating him basically she's so into him like so what's going on wheezy what's going on how's life they are the tension is so thick you know well you think they clip you think katie couric and little wayne would be a couple i think she definitely hit that well that was like a for a short period of time uh uh um 50 cent dated uh what's wrong i don't know about this yeah 50 cent dated shriver no come on dude uh chelsea handler he did yes you're not dude that is cool you know

what that is right there that is both of them thinking like this is gonna work for me good pr move yeah because he's a genius like he's a genius marketer guy oh yeah he's a business man she is too yeah they're both didn't they date that was 2011 you don't remember this no weekly 12 years later she named 50 cent that's her favorite act 50 cent and chelsea handler a very unlikely couple i bet they just sat around like talk okay so um strategizing yeah seriously i bet there was no fucking was just like talking about bills and stuff yeah that is so by the way 50 cent right now it's all over my all over my fyp what do you do he's talking well because he's been talking shit about diddy for years and now

that diddy's getting caught up i mean you can see the number of videos where 50 cent calls him out insane but diddy's like for real call that right did he's like no he's in deep shit he's going yeah yeah they're i mean they're trying to extradite him from wherever they can't find him right isn't he gone no way he's lost yeah he's well yeah he's on the show lost they're redoing lost and it's fine diddy that's the new it's called what did he do what did he do where did he go what did he do to you jv smooth hosts what did he do about the show called what did he do i just have a joke about the fuck what did he do yeah but 50 cents been calling his ass out for so long saying like there was one clip that circulated was so fucking funny where he's like did he's like when the fuck are

we gonna hang out and 50's like whenever man i don't know whatever and he's like come on man i want to go shopping let's go shopping what and he goes he's like uh i don't know man yeah i mean i don't know and he goes i'll pay and then's like, this motherfucker just asked me out on a date. He's going to take me shopping. But he's been calling him out on radio shows, on TV shows for like 10 years. Then he was like, yo, he's like, yo,

so yo, when we go and get the chance to, you know, to kick it, like we can just hang out. Nigga, we got to kick it. Paul, he telling me we got to kick it and shit. And he's like, yo, why don't we like go shopping or some shit? I mean, like I pay for it. And I was like, what the fuck this nigga just saying?

I got the fuck away from him. Because I was like, this nigga, what the fuck are you waiting for? This nigga just telling me he take me shopping. Diddy. Diddy, they're going to get you, Diddy. What did Diddy do? I had a joke about Diddy years ago. Give it.

Can we hear it? Oh, no. It's like a, I would basically do like an impression of him, like rapping. they're gonna get you Diddy what did Diddy do? I had a joke about Diddy years ago give it can we hear it? oh no it's like a I would basically do like an impression of him like rapping yeah that's what I did in Montreal

I'm pretty sure that was your new faces? yeah my new faces was doing this rap bit where I'd actually literally tell the DJ in the back to restart the CD

and I would just be freestyling over a beat doing like pretending to be P. Diddy because I was making fun of him because I thought he was stupid because his lyrics were like you know

motorcycles big cars tons of money yeah dog Lamborghinis and shit we doing it uh uh okay start over

yo okay money a huge a hot tub made out of money yo yo a hot tub made out of gold with money inside

start over the most a car that's a hot tub made of money gold with money inside start it over you know the most time a car that's a hot tub made of money with money inside bitches and stuff that's

they would just do that so you just kept going back starting it over every time that's so good cause I just make cause his lyrics are just like so they're just so dumb it's just about

ice money hose clothes shoes my nose is bloody coke

hose damn yeah I can hear that you gotta go back to hose. Ice. My nose. Clothes.

Shoes. Dirty. Buddy. Got that money. Got a dirty butthole. And it's Phil Will coming. Ooh, ah. You got to have, what's his name?

Mace go. Ooh. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Yeah, that was always inserted in the rap like that. Ah. Ah.

Uh-huh. Every cutie with a booty got a coochie. Ah. That's the classic. That's the classic. That's the best. Just 25 years old. That is the best. That's 25 years old, right? That line? Yeah, we're getting older now.

Every cutie with a booty got a coochie. That's Mace, right, in the background? Yeah, 100%. Or maybe we find out it was one of Diddy's concubines. Oh, yeah. They're going to use that in court. Mr. Diddy, can you listen to this clip and tell me who that is in the background? Ladies and gentlemen out there, please go see Johnny P's show.

Say it again so I remember it. Reggae? Oh, Minnesota Reggae Colossomy Bag. Minnesota Reggae Colossomy Bag. Go see it. Go to johnnypemberton.dog to get those tickets. We'll put the link in the description below. I appreciate you coming.

Look at that camera right there. You're single. And we end the show with one word or one phrase. That's going to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, you go ahead. Chooch. In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.